I can feel myself sinking a bit. I was almost anticipating it – the unending lethargy, tearing up over ridiculous things (I seriously burst into tears because Mike ate my leftovers), and the grip on my chest that tightens when I least expect it.
Today is the last day of a five day vacation to Arizona for Spring Training baseball. Once we got the all-clear to bring Annie, I felt like I would be able to really relax and enjoy myself. And I have enjoyed myself, truly. Annie has been a riot on this trip, playing with her cousins, trying new foods, and exploring new places. But the night before we left for Scottsdale, I had the first panic attack I’d had in MONTHS…and I’ve had one every day since.
Just writing about this, I can feel my panic rising, my chest filling with lumps, my throat constricting. We are staying with Mike’s family in the same resort they’ve stayed at for the last twenty years. The last time we were here was two years ago, with Maddie. Our hotel room this time is laid out exactly like the one we had two years ago. This isn’t the kind of resort where the rooms are similar…but somehow, I knew this would happen.
Both girls made a beeline to the exact same spot.
It’s impossible to be here and not imagine what it would be like if Maddie was here, too. Of course, I wonder that every day. It’s lovely to see the cousins playing. The older boys dote on Annie – especially my nephew Spencer, who Maddie thought hung the moon.
I think Annie thinks he’s a goof
In three weeks it will be two years since my Maddie died. It hurts just as much. My body aches, I can’t breathe. My heart is squeezed. It hurts to breathe. Every day I get up and am the best mommy to Annabel. But I am feeling the need to mother Maddie more than ever. I need rest. I need the attacks to stop, the depression to go away.
I don’t think they ever will.
Lisa says:
I’m sorry, I know nothing anybody says will ever make you feel 100% whole again, but please know you have thousands of friends who are here to help pick you up when you need it. (((hugs)))
Elle says:
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I have panic attacks and know how awful they are. I feel like a prisoner in my own body. And while I haven’t experienced the loss of a child, I’m pretty sure it makes you feel the same way as a panic attack except you have to deal with that feeling 24/7. My thoughts are with you.
Jennifer says:
I’ve sat here for half an hour trying to find the words to write. But every letter seems so insignificant compared to the pain that you release with your words. No one will ever be able to vanish the pain that you have and continue to go through daily. But I feel like I have to say that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed by the reminders. It’s more than okay to have that lump in your throat. Depression is so unkind and always rears its ugliness when you’d much rather forget that its there. Speaking from experience, the anxiety attacks do seem to get worse as the days near closer to the “anniversary dates”, not the proper term I know but is there a name for these things? And as those hard dates edge away, the attacks diminish. The depression will unfortunately always be there, lying under the surface… waiting for another reminder of the unfair circumstances. It’s not fair, not even close.
You and your family are in my thoughts always and it was an absolute honor to donate to your March for Maddie team!
Tamara says:
Heather, I’m so sorry you have to live this nightmare every day. You don’t deserve it. I’m just so, so sorry.
Kim says:
Heather-It has only been 2 years which is nothing when you are dealing with such a huge loss. Going back to familiar places sometimes makes the pain even more acute; especially, so close to an anniversary date. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m thinking of you.
Katie says:
Thinking of you today.
edenland says:
Oh my sweetheart. Oh my first instinct is just to run to you, make it all better, make all the badness go away. So helpless.
Those photos are unbelievable. The back of Maddies head, with her cute little hair all smooshed. She is so beautiful and precious. My heart aches for you, and I can’t believe it’s been two years.
Check your mailbox next week. For something purple and handmade – just for you, from Bali.
Be gentle on yourself sweetheart XOXOXOX
PS If Dave ate my leftovers I would cry too.
Susannah says:
Oh Heather, my heart aches for you. I think you are working hard on your healing here with your raw honesty. I admire that so much in you. Hugs.
Jenny Greene says:
Sending you love, hugs, and prayers for a heart at peace.
Also? Annie’s polka-dot dress slays me. Do those come in adult sizes?
Anne says:
Oh Heather… I am so sad for you….My heart aches for the pain you must be feeling. Wish I could say or do something to make you feel better, but know nothing will work. Hope you know how special you and your family are to so many people, and how your sweet blog makes so many smile. I am thinking of you, and praying you have the peace you so deserve! XOXO Anne
Heather says:
I can’t give you advice, or words of wisdom. I still miss my Olivia and she wasn’t even born alive. I lost her before I knew her, I can’t imagine how much more this would weigh on me if I had.
I’m thinking of the four of you in the coming weeks.
Jana A says:
Oh, Heather. (((hugs))) I wish I could tell you with 100% certainty that the pain and anxiety would just magically disappear and it wouldn’t hurt so bad. But I can tell you that not this year, maybe not next year or the next, the anxiety and pain will lessen. I’m starting to get fluttery in my chest coming up on Charlie’s 8th birthday and 8th Angel Day. It’s not as debilitating, though, thank goodness. Sending you love and thoughts and prayers. You are doing such wonderful things sharing Maddie with the world. xoxo
cj says:
i’m so sorry. thinking of you.
Tara D. says:
Prayers for you to cope the pain. But i know the memories still in your heart.. be strong.
Suz says:
I am so sorry… I think about you and Maddie all the time. I hope…. For something for you, I’m just not sure what it is. Hugs.
Deborah says:
I wish I had something much more profound to say other than “I’m sorry” and “I’m thinking about you,” but I don’t. I can’t imagine what it is like for you every day, but especially on days like the ones you described above. I think about you and your family every day, and I will be praying that you can find some moments of peace. Perhaps you can visit your doctor to get some meds to dial down the panic attacks a bit?
((((hugs))))
Mary says:
BIG ((hugs)).
AmazingGreis says:
Hoping you get the rest that you so desperately need/deserve. Sorry that I can’t take some of the pain away for you. I would if I could. Just know I’m here if you need anything!! (((hugs)))
XOXO
kristen says:
I love teh picture of Maddie’s crazy hair! And the way Annie’s legs are posed cracks me up. I love her chubby legs and dainty little feet! I am glad you got to get away for a vacation, but sorry it brings back such sadness. I came across a blog about grief. I don’t know if it helps to read but I felt like I had to share it. I hope the panic attacks subside soon.
http://freshwidow.blogspot.com/
Erica says:
Thinking of you, today, as I do every day, dearest Heather. And not a day goes by when I don’t think of your precious Maddie. You are such a wonderful Mummy to your gorgeous girls.
Take care of yourself.
Sending you a great big hug
Erica
Jessica says:
I’m sorry, Heather.
My heart aches for you.
Jenny says:
Heather, wishing you much peace. Madeline and Annabel are lucky to have you as their Mama.
Barnmaven says:
Thinking of you, Mike and your girls.
J+1 says:
I’m so sorry. I wish someone could make it all OK for you, and that’s just impossible.
Take it minute by minute, if you have to. You are strong.
Debbie S. says:
No magic words can I think of to take your pain away…..just know that this stranger is sending comforting thoughts and prayers your way!
Kelly says:
This time of year has just got to be especially hard. I am thinking of you often.
Nicole says:
I am so sorry that this has to be your reality. I wish there were something I, or anyone, could do to help. You and Mike continue to impress me with your combined strength and vulnerability. Wishing peace for you both–and no more panic attacks!
Sue says:
Thinking of you, Heather…………………………………….
Chrysalis says:
Reading this make my heart hurt and my chest tighten for you. You are living a nightmare and two years is not that long. Of course you are still grieving! I am so sorry for you and your family that this kind of tragedy ever touched your life.
Many hugs to you, Mike and Annie.
Alexandria says:
My prayers are with you always.
Kristin says:
I found your blog about a month ago, through Casey’s blog. I am a postpartum depression and anxiety survivor and found her blog through some other PPD resources. Just yesterday, I finally finished reading your blog from the beginning. I have cried more than I have in years. Sobbed is more like it. I think my husband feared I was going back “there”, and I think I wondered it myself. I have never been so moved and affected. I have never met your beautiful family, and yet the pain I have felt for you is so intense, like I have known you all of my life. I’ve told my family and friends about your little Maddie. I’ve looked through all of her pictures and videos. I have felt compelled to do something for your family. Maybe it’s because of my own pain still so close to the surface, or because my daughter is about to turn two on April 2nd. Or because she is named after my wonderful Grandmother and has a head full of golden curls and an unbelievable spirit. Or because her daddy plays guitar and sings to her all the time and she lights up like you wouldn’t believe. All of those things I’m sure, but I believe it is the beautiful way in which you write about your family and your precious Madeline that touches me the most. I can feel the unbelievable love and pain through your words, as if it were my own. I say all of this to tell you how much you have touched my life and so many others. Not that you would have ever wanted to. And how much perspective I now have on my own painful journey. The hell that I thought I had experienced, pales in comparison to what you must endure on a daily basis. I now what it’s like to be shocked upon waking up. That I somehow survived another day with such a severely broken heart. But I was grieving the loss of myself, my life as I knew it, not my beautiful daughter. And my pain was temporary. I can’t believe how much I have taken from your story, but I am so sorry that it is your story. Sorry doesn’t even come close. Madeline will never ever be forgotten. I think of her daily. I pray for you, Mike and Annie all the time. You are such a wonderful mama and beautiful person. I am so, so sorry for your heartache and pain.
Today, we are gathering as a family to have a memorial service for my Grandma Eve, the wonderful Grandma that I named my daughter after. She passed away on Friday in Glendale AZ. My Mom just called to tell us to wear purple, her favorite color. I thought of you and Madeline. I know where my Grandma is now, without a shadow of a doubt. And I know she’s found your Madeline. Children were her greatest joy in life. Sadly she never had the chance to meet my Evie, but I know she sees her now. She sent me a message yesterday, to let me know that’s true. It took my breath away.
Much love from a stranger in Ohio,
Kristin
Amy Collen says:
Loved that, Kristen! Just want you to know a stranger in California is thinking of you as well :).
Debi says:
Heather, I lost my nephew over 30 years ago. We were just 5 years apart so we were more like brother and sister. The pain never goes away, but every day it gets just a little bit easier to get through each day. His memory is always with me and the what ifs are there too. But then I look at the blessings I have in my life and know how proud he would be of them and me and that makes it just a little easier to get through that day. Hug Annie, tell her about her big sister and cherish each and every memory. I promise, it will get easier.
Nikki says:
Heather, I hate this for you soooo much. No mother should ever go through the horror you have. My heart aches for you. Keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers, and wishing strength for you, especially as the next few weeks go by.
XOXO from GA,
Nikki
mt says:
Heather, I cannot imagine your grief , but I so admire your strength. You have gone through hell and are fighting back and WINNING. Never doubt that. Don’t beat yourself up about having epidsodes like you are feeling. I don’t think it would be normal ifyou didn’t. You don’t deny them and you are honest with your feelings. You will get through it. Maddie is rooting for you every day.
Marnie * says:
Keeping you in my thoughts.
MinNYC says:
You’re all in my thoughts. ((hugs from NY))
Susan says:
I pray you get better for Annabel.
Diana says:
Susan: what on earth would possess you to write something like this? You obviously are totally clueless. I am sorry, Heather, but her stupidity enrages me.
Rach says:
I would guess that Susan hasn’t faced much loss in her life. Piling guilt on a grieving mother is an effective way to further her pain. Please think about what you post before you post it. That’s probably not too much to ask.
TRY to imagine what it’s like to parent a living child while grieving for a dead one. Instead of thinking, “Oh, I couldn’t imagine; she should get better and be thankful for the one she HAS,” THINK for a minute what it would be like to have your world torn in two and to live the rest of your life with your heart ripped in half. TRY to imagine it. TRY for a day and you’re probably imagining about 1/10000000th of that kind of pain.
Once again, Heather, love you for your honesty.
Don’t stop it.
Kelly M says:
Buspar, girlfriend! I am normally not an advocate for medicating the pain but it has been a godsend to my life and helps so much to take the anxious edge away. The mind is a funny, independent creature…taking us back to places and times we oftentimes feel would be better left unremembered. But the memories are part of the journey and your memories of Maddie will soften in time to become just a beautiful watercolor of all she was…a beautiful blessing.
Take care of you (and try the drugs).
Kim says:
Thinking of you today and every day. So sorry you are having to go thru this…
Hugs from Oklahoma
Elizabeth says:
I wish there were words I could say to make the pain and hurt go away. Big hugs coming your way.
leslie says:
so, so, so sorry!
just remember how many months you didn’t have any attacks! be proud!
and eat lots of comfy-food, ok?!
and feel very loved by many people all over the world!
Camie says:
Thinking of you, so much, and sending so many wishes and hopes. So much joy and grief here together. Please be gentle with yourself.
Jenn says:
My dear Heather,
How I wish I had the words to adequetly tell you how much I also miss Maddie and just how much I wish I could bring her back to you.
Too be honest, the first thing I noticed when you shared the latest Maddie video with us, was the sound of YOUR laughter and delight!! I cried instantly when I heard it and from one mommy to another, my heart shattered. I cried b/c I know from the moment they “called” Maddie and there was nothing else they could do, that was also the moment that fun loving, adoring mommy on the video also left.
The sounds of laughter and delight gave away to sounds of sobs and utter despair. It’s so not fair and I am so so SOOOOO Sorry Heather. I wish I could take you in my arms and comfort you yet, I know all the hugs, support and good intentions one has in the world will never take away your sorrow and that does and always will suck!
Know I am thinking of you and supporting you from here and if there is ANYTHING I can do please let me know.
With Friendship & Love,
Jenn
wa2344 says:
Hi Heather,
I never met Maddie, you or Mike. But I think of her this time of year. And I feel sad and tears fall down my cheeks when I see picturse and movies of her. You are a pillar of strength. Thank you again for sharing her life with us.
So many prayers and hugs for you.
Kendra Webster says:
Heather… I have commented a couple times on your blog before. I have followed you since right after Maddie passed almost 2 years ago. I hold you very close to my heart. You are amazing and I admire all you have done these past almost 2 years. The same year Maddie passed my Makenzie passed in December. You have been in the back of my mind daily. You are a huge reason im still here and breathing. I think about how much you still talk about Maddie. How you remind me that 2 years is NOT a long time. That is still SOOO new! SOOO fresh. You remind me that its okay that im crazy and that ill be crazy for the rest of my life because its NOT common to go through this. This hurt. I just wanted to say thank you for being you. For being like me. I love Maddie. I think about her all the time. I say her name because she has changed my life. She is in our house everyday. She is still so much there in our family and I want to thank you for sharing. Your Annie is sooooo stinkin cute. I cant get over those chub cheeks. Im thinking about you extra these next few weeks. These next few weeks that should be….. I love You.
Pattie says:
Much love being sent your way.
Rachel says:
I wish I knew how to comfort you, but I don’t. Words just seem inadequate.
Barbara says:
I have followed your blog for almost two years but have never commented, I have never experienced the loss you have and pray I never will live the horror you have lived, but I have had panic attacks for 25 years now, now before you say holy crap will that happen to me? no it won’t everyone is different mine are also do to loss and p.t.d but I also have a medical condition which have prolonged mine so please don’t think in 25 years you will still be having them
With that said may I offer some advice as an old Vet at these horrible things, I used to fight them, I used to wish and pray them away, I used to lose it everytime I felt the beginning of one, when one day I said to myself for now this is a part of my life and accepted them and went with them as horrible as they were and are, I lived easier with far less attacks, I had to stop fighting them, fighting them was adding to them, and giving them power over myself, accepting them was learning to live with them and once I learned to live with them they weren’t near so frightening. The next time you feel one coming on try saying to yourself, okay panic come get me and hurry up and move on and get lost…
I hope this makes sense and helps you as it has helped me
xo
Kristin (MamaKK922) says:
OH Heather, my heart breaks for you. I live with Panic everyday, I know that feeling but I know it’s not the same. It is so draining. I wish I could take it all away for you. I wish I could give you real hugs instead of ones over a computer. I wish I could bring Maddie back. My heart aches for her every time I read your words, so I can’t even imagine how your heart aches. You are in my thoughts always but more so these next three weeks. Hugs and love.
rebecca says:
Connect with as many real life in the flesh people as you can. Hang out with them, drinking tea, coffee, wine,…whatever, and talk about things that make you happy.
k says:
Dear Heather- I hold you and Mike and your beautiful daughters close in my heart always. I hope it comforts you in some small way to know that so many people hold each of you dear. We honor how well you mother your babies and we wish with you that Maddie was right there with Annie where you could wrap both of your girls in your arms.
Please know that Maddie is remembered with such love and that same love flows to you and Mike and Annie. I hope it can lift you up just a bit when you feel the ground beneath you giving way.
kbreints says:
(((hugs)))
Dawn @ What's Around the Next Bend? says:
I know anything I say would pale in comparison to what your heart desires.
((HUGS))
Amelia says:
I’m so sorry.
Leslie says:
Hi honey,
Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you. I hate knowing you are hurting. I am here for you always.
I love you.
Jeanie says:
I’m so sorry for you, Heather. I know I would feel the same if I was in your position. I hope someday (soon) the grief gets a little easier for you to bear. I love your blog, your wit, your Annie, your Rigby, and, of course your Mike and Maddie. Bless you.
Penbleth says:
I’m just so sorry. Both Your girls are so lovely and you deserve to have them both with you. Love to you all.
Lynn
Lisa says:
Oh, Heather, great big giant hugs to you. I wish I could do or say more to take some of your pain away.
Love and hugs sweet friend.
Jess says:
It doesn’t just go away. It gets easier. But not immediately. One day at a time. March 12 would’ve been my brother’s 33rd birthday. My mom was quiet. Sad. Thoughtful. In 33 years it hasn’t become something she’s thought in a passing glance. She thinks often what it would’ve been like for me to have that older brother. I’m the second child like Annie. Sometimes I think too what it would’ve been like to have him. Would he be helping me now in my boy dilema even though I’m going to be 29? Or would he be checking this guy out, embarrassing me?
Also, on March 27 it will have been 8 years since my grandma, who was my best friend ever, died. Around this time of year I cry myself to sleep I miss her so bad. I thought I’d be…better this far out. I don’t hurt as bad. In the beginning I hurt so bad I’d have horrible panic attacks like you, I’d cry at the craziest things. Like a car hitting a squirrel. Mom telling me to load the dishwasher. Having to take a shower. It was ridiculous. I didn’t think I could go to my senior year of college. But I did. I still miss her. I wish she were here. I could use her advice.
It takes time. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make the pain go away. But I can’t. What I can tell you, from my parents experience, is that in time, it gets easier to breathe. Day by day, you can breathe a little better. But you’ll never stop thinking of her, or wondering.
Lisa says:
Heather,
I wish I could hug you and love you and squeeze all the hurt out of you. I know that can’t happen, but I do with it. Both of your daughters are beautiful and both are loved as they deserve to be. Be as kind to yourself as possible.
Thinking of you.
Rach says:
Sometimes grief takes it all out of us, so much so that all we can do is “just show up”, go through the motions, wake up another day. Sounds like you’re at that point right now. This too shall pass, and I, like everyone else, want only the best for you.
Love your honesty.
Kristin says:
I had to come back after I saw this quote in my email today:
“…You find a way, somehow to get through the most horrible things, things you think would kill you. You find a way and you move through the days, one by one, in shock, in despair, but you move. The days pass, one after the other, and you go along with them – occasionally stunned, and not entirely relieved, to find that you are still alive.” ~ Michelle Richmond
I feel that this quote captures not only what I went through, but what you are going through still, and I am so, so sorry that it does. I will continue to pray for comfort and peace for your lovely family.
We released 4 purple balloons today in honor of my Grandma and your Maddie. We all cried as we watched them sail into the distance.
Much love,
Kristin
Alicia says:
This just kills me for you. I’m so sorry. No words.
Amanda says:
I’ve been reading your words long enough, that I also think about Maddy and her parents this time of year in a very solemn way. Usually I just remember her smile, but this time is a steep hill of grief for you guys.
I’m so sorry.
Alison says:
S0, so, so sorry. Sending you love and strength.
xoxo
Heather in MN says:
Oh, Heather… I have panic attacks, too, and I can only imagine the attacks you must be having. I am not in any way belittling your crushing loss, but have you talked to Dr. Looove about taking some meds for those attacks?
I am praying that you’ll have peace tonight, dear.
Another Heather
pamela says:
cannot imagine the heartache your family is going through., Heather.
Sending hugs from halfway across the States. XOXO
Elle P. says:
Heather,
I know that nothing any of us can say, will take away the pain you, Mike and your family feel every minute of everyday. I can’t imagine how profound your sense of loss is… I can only hope that knowing how much we all care, will somehow bring you some peace and comfort during your darkest times.
Elle P.
Glenda says:
Heather… sending you hugs and strength!!! xo
Tricia says:
Heather – my heart is breaking for yours and Mike’s and Annie’s. I don’t have any words that will change the pain you feel, all I have is huge hugs, love and strength being sent that might hold you up during this time. You are so loved and so brave and so amazing. Be gentle with yourselves.
Love, Tricia xxx
Veronika says:
{{ hugs }}
I can’t believe it’s almost 2 years. My heart is breaking all over. {{ hugs }}
Stacie says:
Heather, I have been reading your blog for a couple of years now but never commented. I think about you and Mike all the time. There is a song by Alan Jackson called “Sissy’s Song”. I’m pretty sure country music isn’t your “type”, but it makes me think of you guys every time I hear it. Take care and remember to breathe and just try and get through each minute at a time.
elizabeth says:
I did not lose a child, but I lost my dad so unexpectedly that it feels like my world has fallen apart..and its been four years in June. I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but I cannot. I am still so very horribly broken so I know how you feel. It’s almost as if you want the world to stop while you heal, but it just keeps going so you have to keep trucking along day in and day out. I am so sorry for your loss hun, maddie is such a beautiful baby and Annie is too!
I wish I could say something to help you…but half the time I can’t even help myself. Godbless you all hun, many hugs
Libby says:
I am so sorry. I will keep you in my prayers. I hope Annie’s hugs help a little.
Staci says:
I will never have the right words. But, you have my love and prayers.
Nina says:
My heart hurts for you. I’m so, so sorry.
Molly says:
Oh, Heather, I am so sorry. Nearly two years later, I still think of you guys every day (even if I don’t always comment anymore bc I am usually reading on my iPhone while attached to an infant). I hope you know you are not alone.
Miss says:
Maddie lives on in her sister’s beautiful smile and shining eyes, in your words, in all our hearts.
You may forget sometimes, but your strength soars Heather. With every single time you get out of bed for Annie and you be the best mother you are to her and her sister.
Love to you.
GingerB says:
Just more hugs here, Heather.
Mommy says:
I wish I could take your pain away. I wish I could bring your daughter back. It is not right, it is not fair. I wish your heart wasn’t broken.
Love and hugs, always.
Noelle says:
Thinking of you and holding your family close in my prayers.
heatherjamieson says:
hi heather, another heather here too. i’ve been reading your blog for quite awhile, but haven’t commented before. just wanting you to know that this mummy in australia is thinking of you very much & honours your maddie in her heart (i have little girls, too) every single day & loves seeing annie’s adventures with her fantastic parents and sidekick rigby :). wishing you and mike much comfort and love, heather j xx
amanda says:
I have been thinking about you a lot lately, because I know the anniversary is coming. Love to you.
Amanda says:
Heather –
I have been thinking of you a lot lately. March has always been my ‘bad time’ because of my loss but honestly, it’s taken a back seat to March moving into April timeframe. I also have thought about Maddie so many times over the last two years and it still makes me sad when I realize that your time is coming just like the tide and nothing will help.
Perhaps it’s because my dad passed away in December and my mom has been diagnosed with terminal stage IV lung cancer but I’m feeling much like you are right now – like I’m treading water.
((Hugs today))
Amanda
Rach says:
I would guess that Susan hasn’t faced much loss in her life. Piling guilt on a grieving mother is an effective way to further her pain. Please think about what you post before you post it. That’s probably not too much to ask.
TRY to imagine what it’s like to parent a living child while grieving for a dead one. Instead of thinking, “Oh, I couldn’t imagine; she should get better and be thankful for the one she HAS,” THINK for a minute what it would be like to have your world torn in two and to live the rest of your life with your heart ripped in half. TRY to imagine it. TRY for a day and you’re probably imagining about 1/10000000th of that kind of pain.
Once again, Heather, love you for your honesty.
Don’t stop it.
Cbrisie says:
((((HUGS))))
Gemini-Girl says:
You know just how much I adore you.
I love Maddie so so much and think about her and you on a daily basis.
I cannot believe it’s been 2 years.. and yet, I can. She is missed every.single. day.
I am always here.
Always.
Kristi F says:
We never get over the loss of someone we love. I am sorry your heart is aching extra hard right now.
Michelle says:
I am so sorry. I know that losing a child is not something that you could ever get over. I haven’t lost a child but I do have a daughter and even the mere thought gives me the tiniest iota of an idea of what you’re going through. It has to be a continuous, living nightmare. I just ache for you, that you had to see that and have to live with it every day. I wish I could find the right words to help take away your pain, but I don’t think those words exist. I don’t know you in person but I do love your blog and it makes me feel like I know you and I would just do anything I possibly could to take this pain away for you. Being in the same type of room at the same resort like that must’ve been so painful. You’re doing it perfectly right by just loving Annie as much as possible every moment. Unfortunately you know what it’s like to lose what you love the most so you, more than anyone, know to live every moment like it could be the last. I really admire how you get through each day. You’re doing a great job and no one has the right to criticize you or tell you to get over it. People that say things like that must not have children, because you don’t “get over” them. It would never be possible. Hugs, hugs, and more hugs to you and Mike!!!
VDog says:
Love to you, Maddie, Mike & Annie.
Jen says:
Warm, loving hugs for you all. My thoughts are always with you.
Neeroc says:
I’m so, so sorry for all your hurt.
Meri says:
I’m so sorry you are going through this. You have to remember this is the normal grieving process. I saw some people mentioned ” I hope you get better for Annabel’s sake”. DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM. That’s totally crazy. Annabel is lucky to have you as her Mom. I think with the loss of Maddie, you might have a stronger relationship with Annie. You hug her a little tighter, you don’t take any minute for granite. Take it one day at a time. And know this grieving is normal. Let yourself grieve. You can’t hold it in. As my 6 year old says ” Just Keep Swimming”
Katie says:
I can’t even fathom what you & Mike have, are and will go through in your grief. I am a long time reader and I always include you all in my prayers- even though we’ve never met. I think you ARE being a good mother to Maddie by sharing her story, and all your memories of her, with the world. She has touched thousands of people (if not more) and you are respobsible for that. You should be proud. You know you’ve got the internet world here whenever you need to vent, cry, etc….don’t listen to those ugly people- they don’t matter.