Insomnia is a wicked evil thing to suffer from when you have an almost-nine month old. Back in my pre-kid days, I’d toss back a unisom and be in dream land twenty minutes later. I can’t do that anymore. Not only do I sleep too heavily to wake in case of emergency, I feel awful the next day – terribly tired and lethargic. Which is, ironically, how I will feel in the morning anyway.
When I was in college and I had insomnia, there was always someone up to talk to. Or, I’d just get on my computer and surf the internet, late-90’s style. There was always something in particular keeping me up – a paper that needed to be written, or my impending graduation and joblessness. Nothing that a little work couldn’t handle.
Now that I’m older and have big-girl problems, it’s harder to trick my body into sleeping. And the thought of “OMG I HAVE TO GO TO SLEEP BECAUSE ANNABEL WILL BE AWAKE IN THREE HOURS AAAAAAHHH” only makes it worse.
Watching TV doesn’t help.
Reading doesn’t help.
Cleaning CERTAINLY doesn’t help.
And so, I lay in bed. Staring at the ceiling. Listening to Mike sleep. I walk around. I watch Annie sleep. Even my reliable companion Rigby sleeps, although she usually lifts her head as if to say, “why are you UP?”
I’m up because…I ache for Madeline. Holding her memory just won’t do. I need to wrap my arms around her.
Alice says:
I ache for your ache. I think your readers would move heaven and earth to get you just one night snuggling with your little girl.
Nikki says:
ABSOLUTELY!! I 1000% agree.
((Hugs)), Heather. I’ll send some extra love your way today.
XOXO from GA,
Nikki
Terri says:
Wonderfully put Alice. Ditto.
Erin W says:
Could not have been better put! I would do anything to give your Madeline back to you, Heather. She has touched us all.
Megan says:
I ditto the ditto – a really lovely thought and it would be happily and gladly given.
Prayers and hugs coming your way. Wish we could do more.
ldoo says:
What Alice said. I wish so much that you could have your child back. My heart breaks for your loss.
Leah says:
That was exactly my thought. Oh that our collective will could bend time for you Heather. We would do it.
Jen says:
ditto, ditto, ditto…a thousand times and again.
Kristine says:
Late night belongs to the grieving mother. (And, oh yes, the college student, miss those days). I wish so much she was in your arms, too.
Rebecca says:
Oh love. That is a hard place to be. What a beautiful shot of you & maddie sleeping so soundly.
edenland says:
Oh sweetheart. Oh.
Beautiful photo – I never realised that you and Madeline have the same nose, so delicate and slightly upturned.
Love and love to you. And more. Always. XOX
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
I like what Alice said (above): “I ache for your ache.” Thinking of you…
Noelle says:
Hugs, Heather.
Insomnia is the worst. But even crueler to moms.
Kim says:
I’m so sorry, Heather. I wish I could give you one more night with your little one.
Vicky says:
I’m up and at work at 4:30 am this morning because I couldn’t sleep and figured, what the heck, get the day started and hopefully get out early this afternoon. I know that in no way compared to the insomnia you suffer. I too wish I could give you just one more night to snuggle up with Maddie.
Vicky says:
*compares not compared
ugh, I don’t know why I never re-read before I hit enter.
Sue says:
What a beautiful, beautiful, photo of you & Maddie, Heather. It breaks my heart, and at times like this; I try to put myself in your place, and it would be the most devastating thing that I could imagine,,,,,,,,,,,,,Love to all of you
Dee Dee says:
Hugs Heather! I can’t imagine your pain but I can offer you a cyber hug. I love that photo!
Sally says:
I’m with Kristine. Late nights are hell for a grieving mother.
xo
karen says:
Night time is when all the burdens, all the sorrows find you.. alone. I’m sorry, I sure wish you didn’t have the burdens and the sorrows that you do. I remember this photo when originally posted and I thought.. how blissful.
Kim Wencl says:
Try taking Melatonin and/or Tylenol PM (or a generic form thereof). They are not as strong as Unisom but still give you sleep. When my daughter died in 2003 I started to take them and I still do … works like a charm and you don’t feel groggy the next day.
Heather says:
Melatonin can actually increase depression symptoms in people taking anxiety or depression meds… really should be discussed with a doctor or naturaopathich doc before starting anything like that
Kim says:
Really? Wow — I did not know that – and I’ve been on Prozac for about 3 years now!
Anna Marie says:
(That pic has always been a favorite of mine.) I would give anything to have Maddie back in your arms. It is just so unfair that she isn’t. Hugs.
Heather says:
I know it’s not the same, but I remember how much it hurt when I left my exhusband and at the same time had to leave my stepson as well. We had sole custody, so I’d raised little man for 5 years. There were nights when I’d wake up and I’d miss him so much my chest would feel like it was collapsing in on itself. It was this physical pain that I’d never expected… I’ve only seen him twice in the last 5 1/2 years since I left and now most of that ache is for my daughters who desperately miss their big brother.
I wish I had advice for you, instead I can only wish you best thoughts.
Alexandra :) says:
Awh even though your post was sad and I wish I could make you feel better, I couldn't help but notice how alike you and Madeline look. I've always thought Maddie looks like you and Annie looks like Mike (except for them both having your eyes and his Spohrhead), but there…she REALLY looked like you.
Deborah says:
That is such a beautiful picture. Thinking about you today and always!
(((hugs)))
Nicole says:
Heather..I’m so sad for all you have had to endure. Maybe the night is when you need to let it out more since everyone is asleep? I’m sure your bottling it up during the day to take care of miss Annie. You’re an amazing Mom and person and I wish you rest in the near future. Your photo makes me smile..thankfully someone captured that moment. Pictures are priceless. xo
Lisa says:
That has always been one of my favorite photos of the two of you. I wish I could give you that sweet girl to wrap your arms around so you could sleep, peacefully, restfully, happily.
Love and hugs.
Veronika says:
I love that pic of you and Maddie. There is just something so sweet about a sleeping baby’s face. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I wish I could do something to make it better. {{ hugs }}
Magdalena says:
I had terrible chronic insomnia… finally I went to see a sleep psychologist who pointed out I was doing everything the opposite of what I should do! Her rules were:
– DO NOT stay in bed after 20 minutes if you are not asleep – this was the biggest trigger for me. The body has to be trained to think bed = sleep, not bed = lying-awake-for-hours-of-frustration. Even if it’s just getting up and sitting on the floor (better to leave the room and sit at the kitchen table or something) just don’t stay in bed too long!
– As soon as you have a sleep related thought, analyze it for accuracy. If you find yourself thinking “oh I have to fall asleep NOW or I won’t get enough sleep and will feel terrible tomorrow” break it apart. Do you really have to fall asleep NOW or would it be OK to fall asleep an hour or so later? If you don’t get enough sleep, is the feeling of tiredness so bad that you can’t function?
None of this can take away from the grief and the memory of what you’ve lost. But sleep is so important for healing . Don’t let yourself be robbed of it.
Cara says:
Heather–I wish I could shoulder some of the ache for you. Thinking of you.
debi says:
I had to look at this photo for about 5 minutes…. I know you can almost smell her sweet hair and hear her breathing when you look at it. She was one of a kind Heather, and you where chosen to be her Mommy even for a short time. You must be amazing to have had that privilege.
One thing for sure is, you have the best photos of Maddie…. you’ve captured her so perfectly we all feel like we’ve met her… and have all loved her.
My heart aches when I look at this photo… I know with every breath you miss that baby.
Praying for you…..
jules says:
Beautiful words to offer comfort, These are the words I wanted to write for Heather, you’ve said exactly what I was thinking… I hope your words bring comfort to Heather, she is an amazing girl, Maddies mom forever in time. What we would give to be able to place that little girl back in her mommas arms, for Heather to breathe her in, and sleep.
Kristin says:
Oh I am so sorry, I know what a bitch insomnia is. But I don’t have it for the same reasons. I wish I could make your ache better. All I can offer is hugs.
amanda says:
What a sweet picture… xoxoxo
Mindy says:
What a sweet picture Heather! I have not seen that photo before. I miss seeing that beautiful face.
Nanette says:
I love that pic, and apparently Em does, too. She saw Maddie, looked and me, put one finger to her mouth and said, “Shhh…baby sleeping.”
Lots of hugs coming your way, hon.
Beth says:
Of all your amazing photos, that one is by far my favorite. It says so much with no words.
Have you tried yoga? It is hard to find the time, but it helps me sleep and really has helped my anxiety as well.
xoxoxo
Shalini says:
I wanted to second the recommendation for yoga, and if you are open to it, meditation as well.
You will relax and strengthen your body, and in the process, will center you in a way that’s hard to describe.
I started a Mindfulness Meditation class once a week, and while there have been frustrating moments trying to do it, I can’t tell you how much it’s added not only to my peace of mind, but also my self awareness.
None of these will remove the ache you feel for beautiful Maddie, but I do believe je peace it will bring might make sleep a little easier to come by.
Jenn says:
As a stranger friend, I mourn the loss of Maddie – I can only imagine the despair you must feel – this makes me even sadder. Sometimes when I look a pics or video’s of Maddie, tears flow down my face and I feel so full pf sorrow yet grateful you share her with us in the first place.
As badly as I feel, I know you feel worse. As one mother to another and one who has loss 5 babies and 1 foster child to the courts, I can tell you, I cry for you. I cry for Maddie and I cry for what should have been but never will.
Someone once said “Time Heals All Wounds”….but Heather….sometimes, it just doesn’t.
Love to you my dear friend! May God and all of us bring you comfort and remind you, you are NOT alone…..not ever!
Love,
Jenn
Kathy says:
Heather – Madeline was such a special little girl to all of us that didnt even get the opportunity to meet her. I have a hard time believing it was her time – she had overcame so much. She was “going” places – it would have been a PLEASURE to watch her grow up. I am so sorry for your loss and totally understand why you can’t sleep. She was precious.
Take care of yourself….Maybe its time to add a 3rd baby to the family??
Ashley Monts says:
Oh Heather, what a beautiful picture. I second what someone above me said. I bet you can almost breathe her in when you look at it.
I’m sorry you’re unable to sleep. With an almost 8 month old, I know what you’re up against. …
meg...Ct says:
heartbreaking…hoping peace finds your broken heart
VHMPrincess says:
that is the sweetest picture i’ve ever seen.
Terri says:
Just saw this quote on my friends fb page, she lost her little daughter only a couple months ago. I thought it was beautiful.
They say that time in heaven is compared
to ‘the blink of an eye’ for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to
think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what
she is doing, that by the time she turns around to see if I’m behind he…r
. . . I will be…. ~ Judy Bruner
Kristi says:
That is such a sweet picture. I wish you could hold her in your arms again…
Dora says:
Oh, Heather. If only wishes could make it so. Such a gorgeous photo.
Nicole says:
Oh my heart aches for you Heather. I so wish you had your Maddie here with you to snuggle up to, it’s just not fair.
Lisa says:
what a beautiful picture. It’s a good thing someone couldn’t sleep when they took it!
Jeannine says:
Sending so much love your way.
Elizabeth says:
I agree with Alice and probably couldn’t of put it better myself.
Dayna says:
Reading that makes my heart ache for you. I wish that it wasn’t this way.
This is going to sound dumb, but do you have a DS? Something about playing a mindless game, like Solitare, makes me very sleepy. Also, I am not focusing on what’s keeping me up, and I allow my mind to just play.
giselle says:
That’s a good idea. I got a DS for my mom almost three years ago and it’s the best ever. She plays a game that’s all card games and board games, mainly bridge, blackjack, stuff like that, and it helps take her mind off of whatever’s keeping her up and then she can go to sleep.
Trisha Vargas says:
I wish you’d never had to experience this ache. My heart hurts for you.
(((((HUGS))))) from Florida
Kelly says:
There are certain times of the year when the insomnia just hits me. This is one of them. I was up nearly all night last night, just tossing and turning. Our foster son that we had, came on Halloween 5 years ago. Around this time, his birthday, and every April around the time when he went home, my mind is so consumed with thoughts, I just can’t turn off.
Insomnia is not a friend.
Chrissie says:
You should have every night to snuggle with Maddie Its just not right.
((HUGS))
J+1 says:
I wish you could hold her again. And if you could sleep, maybe you could at least hold her in your dreams.
Marnie * says:
*BIG HUGS*
Missy K says:
I so wish I could fix it.
((hugs))
Elle says:
I wish I had words of comfort but when I try to type out a comment it just doesn’t sound right so I’ll tell you this. In the pictures I’ve seen of Maddie and the stories you tell, she was loved beyond belief and it shows. I know she has left an imprint on everyone’s heart, even those who never knew her, including me.
Tami says:
I have tears in my eyes when I look at the photo of you and Maddie..
Life is sooo unfair. I wish I could bring her back and place her where she belongs, with you and Mike. It makes me angry that she was taken away. I wish I could ease your pain, but I cant. Hugs Heather!! You are in my heart and prayers!!
Marti from Michigan says:
I don’t know what to say Heather, other than I wish I could bring Maddie back to you. It’s just plain not fair! I wonder if cuddling with the Maddie Monster might help a little?
Big Hugs from Michigan today!!
lauren says:
Hugs.
Maddie knew how much you loved her.
Michelle says:
First, the photo of you and your Maddie, as so many before me have remarked, is a gorgeous heartbreaker and sets forth such a pure and peaceful image of what you were able to share with your Moo during her much much much too-short time in this realm — where, after all, does a little one find more unlimited & unconditional peace than in the soft crook of Mom’s shoulder? And where does Mom find more bliss than when her infant daughter is settled there? So much perfect trust and tranquility caught in that moment…
Second (and far less poignant, but just needed to share), you said this:
“OMG I HAVE TO GO TO SLEEP BECAUSE ANNABEL WILL BE AWAKE IN THREE HOURS AAAAAAHHH”
Ohhhhhh let me rant the ways in which I can relate!!!! I have three cherubs myself, though admittedly SOME of their more cherubic attributes occasionally need to be viewed through a bit more of a mother’s sideslanty squint now that they are 17, 15 & 15 (and unless they are running 105 degree fevers, no longer want much of ANYTHING to do with the haven found (and forever available) in the crook of my shoulder), but I suffer often STILL with terminal insomnia… I fall asleep with next-to-no difficulty standing up, while brushing my teeth, finishing off the last of the day’s dishes, trying to rip through at LEAST the first section of the current LA Times before it becomes obsolete at 5 the following morning — but when I wake at 3am after crashing?? FORGET falling back into slumber! The panic of OHMYGAWSH I GOTTA BE AWAKE IN TWO HOURS TO MAKE SURE THE SHOWER-CYCLE STARTS ON TIME and the breakfast of cold pizza & Coco Puffs get properly devoured and the homework assignments are all safely back-packed and track-practice is made on time and and and… So I lay on my back listening to my husband snore all soft and oblivious and slowly panic that I’ll miss the alarm when it goes off, though with my mother’s-hearing, I haven’t missed an alarm (or a housecreak or a muffled sneeze or a mid-dream whimper) in almost 18 years.
The more things change, the more they stay the same, know what I mean?
Kathryn in Berlin says:
I wish I were one of those sixth sense people who could talk to Maddie and bring her back to you. The picture you posted is one of my all time favs. I so wish she were here too and in your arms….she should be. She should be.
Melissa says:
Beautiful photograph.
Wendy says:
I also have a hard time sleeping and worry about taking anything because if I took a tylonal PM, I would sleep to deep and feel weird in the morning. So, now i take half or 1/3 of a tylonal PM and it is just enough to help me fall asleep but still hear the baby if she wakes and feel great in the morning.
Hope you get some good sleep soon!
Adrianne says:
I wish you could sleep if only so that Maddie could come visit you in your dreams. I’m so glad that you have so many pictures of the precious moments you shared with your sweet girl. I know they aren’t enough and will never be enough…but I’m glad they’re there…as I know you are.
gemini-Girl says:
i adore this picture. i adore you.
Christina Cox says:
Oh that picture!! Those cheeks, that pouty baby mouth, those lashes, that round forehead – of course you ache for little Maddie!! Lovely to see that beautiful little girl sleeping in her mama’s arms.
Tears shed on behalf of both of you!!
katrina says:
That is such a sweet photo of the two of you! She looks so warm and content next to her mama. And you look the exact same way.
Ahhhh…my heart hurts for you, because I know you miss her so much. I wish I could change things for you. I wish.
Jannette says:
Me too
Truewell says:
For what it’s worth, here’s my technique…
I use visualization (which is really funny, because I never use visualization, meditation, yoga, etc.) A really detailed visualization takes up all your brain power and it prevents you from thinking/worrying about other things. It’s a bit difficult at first, as you need to develop a “story” — sort of like filming a movie that you replay in your mind when you go to sleep. My favorite visualization takes me flying over the ocean, right along the coast.
As sleep comes, the visualization turns into a dream. It’s kind of fun.
I also refuse to worry/think/etc. If I catch myself falling into the worry trap, I’ll catch myself and say, “Nope, not dealing with this right now. Worrying/thinking/etc. about this right now isn’t going to help. There’s plenty of time to think/worry/etc. later.” And I’m back to the visualization. (You do need to pick a visualization that’s not going to trigger your worries — if you and Maddie spent lots of time at the beach, then flying over the beach/ocean probably isn’t a good idea. I’d fly over the mountains or swim in a lake like a dolphin or something.)
It’s never really failed for me. I’ve done this since I was a kid (in some form or another. When I was a kid, I didn’t fly; I’d bounce around the neighborhood, with each jump taking me up over the rooftops.)
Sounds strange, but it really works. And if all else fails, there’s always medication… Seriously.
I also find it helpful to listen to a familiar movie (unfamiliar movies don’t work, as you’ll get caught up in the story. A familiar movie works since you know what happens, so you’re not as mentally engaged.) I avoid music, as it’s strongly attached to memories for me, whereas movies aren’t. I like Harry Potter, Twilight and Lord of the Rings (the background music is great in these films and they have no real rooting in reality, so.)
I’ve found that the film will occupy my mind slightly — not too occupied so that it’s keeping me awake, but it’s not silence so my mind doesn’t run away with itself.
It can also help to extend your day. Instead of living a 24-hour day, live a 30 or 36-hour day or whatever your body feels is right, so you’re really tired when it’s time to go to bed. Some people’s body clocks just aren’t set to 24 hours; many people find that insomnia isn’t a problem when they listen to their body.
Not sure how well that would work with Annie, but it’s worth a try. (This really only works if you have a flexible schedule. I’ve done it while working at home pre-kids. Obviously, this won’t work if you have a “real” job or your baby won’t cooperate/you don’t have anyone to take over when it’s time to sleep.)
That’s all I got.
-Truewell
lark + linen says:
you should try taking Melatonin. It’s something that occurs naturally in the brain that helps keep your bodys circadian rhythm. Apparently as you age, melatonin levels decrease (hence why kids can fall asleep in a snap – they’ve got lots of this bad boy). You can purchase melatonin at health food stores. It’s natural, it doesn’t taste that bad, and it works! (apparently a glass of warm milk releases melatonin as well). Anyway, it’s worth a shot!
MommyNamedApril says:
i’m so sorry. ((HUGS))
Jessica says:
More than anything, I hope you can get some sleep tonight, and meet Maddie in your dreams.
Kristin says:
Oh Heather…I never had the pleasure of meeting your Madeline but, like someone said earlier, I ache for you. I am so very sorry.
eliza says:
I always wish I could bring Maddie back but when I looked at this I wished I could bring that version of you back. I bet you hardly recognize that (relatively) worry free mama.
Christine says:
Beautiful photo of you and your Maddie.
Have you tried melatonin?
I have been unable to sleep lately myself. I started taking liquid melatnonin and it really helps shut me down and fall asleep.
Try that.
Christine says:
Heather, I haven’t read anything that other people have wrote here but what works for me (who has a whole family of insomniacs) is excercise. Seriously, either get your 10 000 steps in a day or go to the gym. By the time it’s 10 pm, I feel physically and mentally exhausted. It’s amazing what a difference exercise has done for me.
Christine says:
Heather, I haven’t read anything that other people have wrote here but what works for me (who has a whole family of insomniacs) is exercise. Seriously, either get your 10 000 steps in a day or go to the gym. By the time it’s 10 pm, I feel physically and mentally exhausted. It’s amazing what a difference exercise has done for me.
lindsay says:
cute ringlets on that one. well, cute everything really.
Angie Stanley says:
Heather,
Words just suck sometimes…because they seem completely empty when trying to convey such strong emotion…I just really, really wish with all my heart that you and your sweet Maddie were back together again. It is just so wrong that you are apart from each other. Just so wrong.
Just know that a mama up in canada is crying for you and your horrific loss tonight…and wishing that Maddie was still with you, in your arms, where she should be.
Angie
pillarr1 says:
I know all about trying to sleep when you KNOW the baby will wake up in a few hours! I am so glad to be past that stage. Now if kids could only sleep until a reasonable hour in the morning instead of getting up a 7:30 am. When Rachel was Annie’s age, I would take her into her bedroom at 8 pm and turn off the lights and rock her or play music. I did it for 4 days and then she just started falling asleep at 8 pm no matter where she was. The only way I could get some sleep was to have her on a schedule. Those night feedings can be brutal. Hang in there!
Jen Hinton says:
((((HUGS))))) You are a sweet mommy and Maddie loves you.
Jess says:
There was one person in my life who really got me. who knew the real me. Who understood my dreams, my thoughts, never judged me. While my mom is my mom, that person was my grandma. When she died 7 years ago my whole world fell apart. I almost failed my junior year of college because of the depression I went into. My senior year of college I just didn’t care. Until I drank so heavily I was sexually assaulted in a bar and that almost turned into a rape that was thankfully stopped by a friend. That was my wake up call.
Some nights I lie awake and stare at the ceiling. I can’t wander my halls because my parents would wake up and ask what’s wrong. (Still live at home, damn economy!!!) I’ll surf the internet, sometimes play games, read a bit. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep because I know I need the one thing that would help me go to sleep. A conversation with my gram. I just need to talk to her and hear her tell me it will all work out. Everything will be ok. We all have bad days (years). That it may be really bad right now but she promises it will get better. And I really really could use a hug. Ever since she died I don’t get hugs. Maybe people think it’s taboo I don’t know. Plus she was one of the only family members to hug. And sometimes I just need a hug. I’ve really needed one these last few years.
I understand the sad insomniac. The brain that won’t shut off. And I too would give anything for just one more conversation. One more hug. One more I love you. And you know what? As much as I miss my gram, if it meant giving your Maddie back to you, I’d give that up so you could have her back.
Childwoman says:
I have trouble sleeping too. I lie awake thinking about my mother who died from cancer this year. I lie awake thinking about the one boy I truly loved, and lost. I am awake feeling sad, and crying for the people I ache for to touch and see.
darcie says:
I have had an awful emotional two days (less serious…all over a stupid cat we had to get rid of!) but your post made me sob.
I’m so sorry.
Michelle W says:
It takes my breath away, the enormity of your pain and loss, the beauty and light that radiates from Maddie and the all consuming love you all have for each other. I wish……I have said those words in my head thousands of times for you and your family, it is still incomprehensible to me.
“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.” –Washington Irving
So many tears and boundless love for all of you. I hope peaceful sleep finds you, if not tonight, then soon
Laurie SL says:
That photo of you and Maddie is precious, I think I remember the story of that photo. Such a beautiful photo. I’m sorry you’re not sleeping well, special thoughts go out to you today!
Lisa from WV says:
Love that picture. Life has been so unfair to you. I hurt for you. Hugs.
Mama Fuss says:
My heart breaks in reading this and seeing that picture. I wish you could hold your Maddie again.
Brenda says:
Such a lovely picture. I physically ache for you looking at the picture and reading of your pain. I wish there was a better way to say it ~ just want you to know how much I feel for you and love to read the memories of your precious Madeline. What Alice wrote in the first post is so very, very true.
Take care, Heather.
~B~
Molly says:
Oh, what a lovely photo. And I am so sorry. I hope you can see Maddie in your dreams (while you are sleeping) again soon.
Nikki says:
If you ever need someone to talk to in the middle of the night, I’m on the east coast and I work at night… my trusty computer is always at my side. You can e-mail me at life911saver@yahoo.com or at NLJomidad@harfordpublicsafety.org and I’ll always be right there to chat! Or bore you back to sleep with one of my stories… LoL