She was the first nurse we had the first time Madeline was re-admitted to the hospital after the NICU. She was the closest nurse in age to me, so I felt comfortable with her. She had a big easy smile, a quick laugh, and a gentle touch. Maddie loved her, and I did too.
The second and third times Maddie was admitted to the hospital, I would wait anxiously every morning, hoping she would be our nurse. ALL the nurses on the pediatric floor were great, but I clicked with her. She was our favorite.
When Maddie was admitted to the PICU for her fourth hospital stay, I was bummed when I realized the nurses were different than the ones we knew from the pediatric floor. They didn’t know us, we didn’t know them. The PICU nurses were GREAT. But it’s hard to be in the hospital, let alone intensive care, when you don’t have familiarity with the people helping you care for your sick child.
Maddie knocked out a couple of IVs and the PICU nurses and I were all frustrated. Someone mentioned calling a nurse on the peds floor to see if someone else would have better luck placing a line. I asked if our favorite nurse was there. She was, and she came down. Maddie’s eyes lit up when she saw her. Mine did, too. Our nurse got a line in right away. Unfortunately, Maddie knocked it out again a few hours later. Our nurse came back but this time it was much harder to find a spot to insert a new line. We decided to give Maddie a break from needle sticks and try again after a few minutes. Our nurse left. And then the doctors decided to intubate.
I was alone. My mom had run back to my house to take care of a few things, and Mike had to drive back to the hospital from his office. I stood there and I clutched my stupid blackberry and I fretted while the doctors worked on my baby. And then, a social worker came to stand with me, so I wouldn’t be alone. She was great, but she didn’t know us. She couldn’t explain the medical terms to me. I didn’t know what was happening and things were getting frantic. Then our nurse came back.
She came right to me, and held my hand. She narrated what was happening, and explained the new things like intraosseous ivs and epinephrine. When I would shake and cry and panic because Maddie’s heart was slowing down and her blood gas was dropping, she would calm me and say that Maddie was strong and a fighter, and this was nothing she couldn’t beat. It wasn’t a line – she believed it. When I would mutter and pray and beg and plead, she did too. We begged and plead and prayed and clutched hands for the worst three hours of my life. And when the doctors told us there was nothing more they could do, she helped pick me up off the ground when I collapsed.
I looked in her face and I said, “why, why Maddie, why my baby?” And she said, “I don’t know why it was our girl.” And she cried and cried with us.
We were pulled apart, and she was pulled back to her job to care for the kids on the pediatric floor, and I didn’t see her after that. For some reason, I have forgotten her name, which upsets me more than I can express. I want to write a letter to the hospital and tell them about her. Tell them how much she meant to me, and my daughter. I always knew my daughter would get the best care when she was around. She always made my daughter smile. And, she stood with me and cared for me when she absolutely didn’t have to.
She held my hand for those three hours, and even though I somehow forgot her name, I will never, EVER forget her.
pamela says:
Ok I’m crying. Maybe one day you will run into each other
.-= pamela´s last blog ..Here, There, and Everywhere =-.
Steph says:
I am sure she has never forgotten you. I didn’t know Maddie personally and your stories touch me greatly.
.-= Steph´s last blog ..Social Media Tools Are Dirty =-.
Bec says:
I hope you can find her Heather, there aren’t enough nurses like her in the world.
(just a thought, I know you’re probably not ready to read them, but her name should be in Maddy’s files).
.-= Bec´s last blog ..I was gone =-.
laura says:
you can call her “Laura” if you want to….seriously, i am saving this post to encourage me because as much as i love my job, what i do and the lives i am honored to touch, sometimes i need to know that i am making a difference.
you!
.-= laura´s last blog ..deflowered =-.
Kelly says:
PICU nurses are amazing. You and Maddie deserved such a strong ally at the hospital at such a deeply painful and frightening time. I often try to imagine where your courage comes from Heather. It is awesome. I know, despite how painful it must be to write about, your memories of all the events of Maddie’s life, of the life of your family are so meaningful to so many people. And I am grateful that there are professionals who are willing and skilled to stand beside us when we most need them. Their courage lighting our darkest moments. I do hope you find each other again one day.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Oh Poor Me… =-.
Cinthia says:
I would imagine you could call the NICU nurses’ station at that hospital and they might help you figure out who she is by description. Especially when you tell them you are calling to thank her and/or the hospital for her kindness.
OR you could stop in to see if you run into her or one of the other NICU nurses that might know her, I bet she’d be thrilled to see you again and to know that you have Binky in your tummy and to receive your thanks.
My only other idea is to like, lay down, and close your eyes, and visualize her in your mind. Then start thinking about women’s names from A-Z. This has worked for me in the past, except I used it to try and remember the name of some hot dude I liked. (dorky, I know). Good luck, Heather!
catherine lucas says:
I would go back to that hospital and find out. This is the person you shared a horrific lifes moment with, I am pretty sure it would be good for the two of you to touch each other again. She was put on your path with a reason. She cared for your family.
Go back and find her…
.-= catherine lucas´s last blog ..Belgian Rolls for breakfast… =-.
DYSFUNCTIONAL MOM says:
A fantastic, compassionate nurse is a wonderful thing, and sometimes hard to come by, unfortunately. I hope you get to thank “your” nurse personally eventually.
Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
I hope you find her, or she finds you. I hope she gets to hear what a difference she made on that terrible day. And I hope that other nurses read this too and realise what a wonderful thing it is that they do, caring for people every day. Because the best nurses do care.
Hugs!
.-= Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last blog ..Kisses =-.
amanda says:
Maybe she reads your blog – I hope so, because what a wonderful tribute.
Lucky nurse, to get to work with Maddie.
xo from CT,
Amanda
.-= amanda´s last blog ..project small joys: candy corn =-.
Lisa says:
Helen……that was my NICU nurse.
She was my blanket of warmth on some very cold days and nights.
This post brought back the lump in my throat remembering.
I offer you hugs and strength.
Ashley says:
I just wanted to share my story with you. It’s related to yours in a way.
Yesterday, my cousin Anna turned 7 years old. On Wednesday, it will be 8 years since her older sister, Sarah, passed away. Sarah died because of an almost SIDS-like accident (hard to explain) at 7 months old. I will never forget my aunt holding her tiny hand as she was laying in her casket before the funeral. As a family, we were hurt, but I cannot imagine how she felt as a mother losing her child.
She wanted a baby right away. She said if she could have another one that week, she would. Not to replace Sarah — not at all — but because as a mother that’s what she wanted. Needed. Her baby was taken from her too soon, and it wasn’t what she had expected. It is awesome to me that Anna was born almost a year after Sarah’s death. They would have been best friends. My aunt would have her two daughters. Anna would have a big sister.
I’m now a mom myself, and I can’t imagine losing my child. Reading your blog reminds me so much of the strength my aunt had. Maddie and Binky are the luckiest girls to have such great parents as you two. To turn your situation into good deeds to help and try to prevent it from to others, and to share your story every day to inspire others is truly selfless.
Everyday I think of you guys at some point and hope for the best. You deserve it. Best of luck on the pregnancy; I hope you feel better soon. (sorry for the rambling!:))
maya says:
Ashley- this was beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Sometimes you need to know that someone else has been through it and has come out the other side.
.-= maya´s last blog ..Because Sometimes.. you just have to dance. =-.
Tina says:
Yes that was wonderful. Thank you for sharing. I hope Heather and Mike are comforted by your family’s experience.
Kelly says:
Ashley, your story of your Aunt is much like my own. My first born son passed away 1 day shy of his 3rd month of life. His brother was born 18 months later, not because I wanted to replace Nicolas but because I felt incomplete… I was a mother but did not have a child to hug, kiss and tell him every day how much I loved him…
Heather, your story made me cry… I know that this post is from years ago and I hope that you have found the wonderful nurse that was there for you on that extremely sad day.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Oh, Heather, today’s post made me cry. I hope you are able to tell your wonderful nurse someday in person about how much she meant to you and Maddie.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..I’m going to get lice. =-.
charlane says:
I do hope that you one day are able to speak to her in person and thank her for her kindness. I am sure that she would really be touched to know that she made such an impact on you, and that she was a light in your darkest moment.
.-= charlane´s last blog ..Gord and Me =-.
Scary Mommy says:
Nurses are the closest thing to angels that I can think of. Hoping that you one day see her again.
.-= Scary Mommy´s last blog ..The Search for a Scary Mommy =-.
Mary C says:
Her name will come to you, when your not trying to remember! It always works that way.
Leslie says:
I’m literally sobbing reading this post. I’m so glad you had that wonderful nurse there by your side. I’m sure someday you will be able to remember her name and hopefully you will be able to thank her in person.
Rebecca says:
*scooping you up into my arms*
This was such a hard post to read, and I imagine a very hard post to write. You two will find each other again, I’m sure of it. Somebody else mentioned it, but I also agree that a call to the hospital could help.
She probably has not forgotten you either.
Cass says:
We had a nurse like that when Lexi was in the NICU. Every night that Lexi stayed overnight that I couldn’t be there with her this nurse changed her schedule to stay with my girl. I will never be able to communicate how grateful I am for her.
.-= Cass´s last blog ..bigkid4 =-.
Kristen McD says:
I hope she reads this. What a wonderful person.
Liz says:
Oh, the tears. I wonder if nurses ever truly know how much they help. Glad you had her when it mattered most.
.-= Liz´s last blog ..Today =-.
Amanda says:
One other thought….
I would bet that if you contact Adminstration at UCLA they could find out and pass your information on to her. I’m sure that she would be honored and happy to call you back.
Then again I hope she reads your blog and sees how much she meant you. Beautiful post Heather.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Follow Friday Edition =-.
Karen says:
The right nurse can make all the difference between a terrible appointment and a good one. Having had to take my girl to the hospital for lab work and the nurses not being able to find a vein and not being reassuring as she screamed and I cried while holding her down makes for a terrible experience. I hope you can remember her name because I’m sure your kind words would make a big difference.
((hugs))
.-= Karen´s last blog ..First Steps =-.
Maria says:
She has to know.
You have such a somber but beautiful way of sharing these things with all of us.
.-= Maria´s last blog ..after a long, weird weekend =-.
Denise says:
This was such a wonderful post recognizing the other people in our lives. I read all of your posts, rarely responding, but this one touched my heart. It truly represented what a wonderful caring mom you are, and how your child is going to be just as wonderful and caring as you. They do model us.
God bless & I pray for your family.
Jen @ lifelove'n'wine says:
That was a hard one to read what with all the tears. What a wonderful person she is. I’m sure she remembers Maddie.
.-= Jen @ lifelove’n’wine´s last blog ..Fun, Cuteness, and 2 Blowouts =-.
Karen says:
Call the PICU, they will have record of those days, and will be happy to figure out who that wonderful Nurse was for you. I did the very same thing, giving our Nurse the good news about my daughter many months after our horrible ordeal…and she cried. She hung our notes of thanks on the walls of the nurses station, along with our Daughter’s picture.
.-= Karen´s last blog ..Window treatment =-.
Lolla says:
i am 100% sure she won’t forget you either. Some nurses and doctors are really like angels in our darkest hours. I am happy that you had her around looking after you in such a hard moment. *HUGS*
Jen says:
Thank you for sharing that. And I agree with the others in saying that I’m sure she hasn’t forgotten you either.
What an incredibly touching post. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, but glad that she was there for you.
((Hugs))
.-= Jen´s last blog ..bent =-.
Jenn says:
An Earth Angel….of course you will never forget her as these people are unforgetable. But take solace my dear one….I bet she knows how grateful you are because truth be told….I bet she is as equally grateful to have met and had you and Maddie in her life….even if it was just for a little while. She, like you will always hold a very special place in her heart for a family she came to love and then mourn with on April 7th and I’m 100% sure, just like you….she will NEVER, EVER forget you or Maddie!
Meg...CT says:
It is so heartbreaking to read…I am so sorry you have to live it.
Meg...CT says:
But I am so glad you had an angel by your side in the worst moments of your life.
kristen says:
“our girl”…lovely that this nurse saw your maddie that way…lovely that your maddie made everyone she met fall for her…lovely that so many more of us who never met her love her, too.
i hope today is good.
xo,
kristen
Nellie - New York says:
That moved me beyond tears.
Though you may not remember the nurse’s name, trust me – you and Maddie will forever be a part of her life as much as she is a part of yours.
Sending lots of hugs and comfort your way!
Deborah says:
I don’t know what to say.
((((hugs))))
.-= Deborah´s last blog ..A Very Bad Picture of a Very Fast Sketch =-.
Krista B says:
One of my friends is a pediatric nurse. I know she loves everyone of her patients dearly. It’s a hard job and she is a strong women for it, but she loves it and I couldn’t see her doing anything else.
I am happy you and Maddie had this special nurse to give you comfort and made you feel cared for.
Beautiful story.
Thank you-
Krista
.-= Krista B´s last blog ..Woo weeee cork the champagne =-.
jessica says:
this is exactly the kind of women who should be nurses. i am so grateful she was there for you.
Robyn says:
I have read your blog since the post on SOAM about you loosing your girl. As you know better than any one and so many others have said there is something so special about Maddie and her wonder in life, and yours for her, that I have been compelled to follow your story, even though Iām not much of a blog reader. Despite your terrible loss your relationship with her seams to remain joyful, though I have cried over your posts on more than one occasion, as I found my self doing today. I have never commented before -I am sure you have many other āsilent friendsā- lost for the right words that seem so better put by others, but today I felt I must.
My daughter is about Maddie’s age, and LOVES her on the videos I have shown her. She says ābabyā and copies Maddieās infectious laugh (she also learnt that āoneā trick from her). I hope you are pleased that your girl is still out there making friends! Reading your Blog reminds me to have joy in and grateful for every moment of every second of my girlās life whatever is happening. Thank you for that, and for sharing your amazing daughter.
Congratulations on Binky, Robyn & Aurora
P.S. I think forgetting the nurses name sounds like a classic reaction to the intensely shocking and awful experience you went through with her. Iām sure if you contacted the hospital they would help track her down.
tina says:
Love you
Ms. Moon says:
Nurses can be the closest things to angels I know. You had your own angel. She couldn’t change anything for Maddie, but she held your hand which is sometimes the most precious gift which can be given.
.-= Ms. Moon´s last blog .. =-.
KathyL says:
I love your family. Everyone does.
The day before she was due to deliver her daughter, my sister found out that the baby had died. She had to go through labor, and when Cassie was born I was allowed to be there. After some time, the doctor had asked us to give him some time to clean up my sister so her husband and I stepped out the door for a few minutes. When we walked out in the hall we were immediately surrounded by nurses– crying angels. The opened their arms and held us and cried with us. And these nurses were from other parts of the hospital. There wen’t that many nurses on L&D and in the nursery, but they came and held us. I’ll never forget that.
Laura says:
Kathy L,
Wow. That was very moving.
The amazing nurses are so wonderful and helpful- like everyone else said, they are angels.
I honestly don’t know how they do it.
((Hugs to your family))
KathyL says:
Laura– Thanks for the hugs.
Christy says:
Both my sisters had still borns this year.
What a sad time for us all, and yet they compliment the care they were given and for that we are so grateful to nurses.
KathyL says:
Oh Christy, I’m sorry your precious babies aren’t with your family right now, and hope the healing has begun. It takes so long. It also breaks my heart that my sister told me later that she was crying during the middle of the night, and that one of the nurses came in and just sat with her, didn’t talk, but just sat with her. I wish I’d have been there for her, but will be forever grateful for that sweet nurse that held her that night.
Christy says:
Thanks Kathy.
I feel the same way. I wish I could be there for my sisters everytime they cry but it is just not possible. In those moments I know God sends them an angel
Thank you again
sam {temptingmama} says:
Oh Heather! I hope you find her….
.-= sam {temptingmama}´s last blog ..The Wind =-.
Nikki says:
You’ll find your way back to each other when the time is right.
Keep fighting! I hope today is good as well.
Hugs,
Nikki
Megan says:
Oh Heather. I am so glad that someone in that hospital was there for you, after you described how insensitive the physicians were. I’m also grateful that the hospital was able to let the nurse be with you for those three hours — I work in an academic hospital with a PICU and NICU as well, and I don’t see a nurse ever being able to get away from her patients for that amount of time.
I think you should write that letter anyway. Describe the nurse as best you can and tell them about the difference she made. I bet if it got forwarded to the NICU manager or HUC, they could figure out who it was and get it to her. I’m sure she would love to hear from you and would be especially happy to hear about Binky.
cjrymommy says:
No words right now, just tears. You’ll find her Heather, you’ll find her.
Love to you all-
Stranger/friend in the STL
Tami says:
The tears in my eyes. I cant imagine how scary that moment was for you and to have some one other then your family be such comfort. This post just breaks my heart all over again. I bet someone at the hospital would be able to tell you her name. Or go to the person ahead of the hospital, they are usually so helpful. Sending you hugs!!
Krissa says:
Maybe she will read this or has already read it. I think it’s a nice idea you have to write to the hospital about her. They would be able to figure out who she is. She sounds like a wonderful person. I’m glad she was there for you guys. (((Hugs))).
deej says:
Oh God Heather – My Katie had a nurse like that too.
They know and they remember. If you can, you should try to reach her.
.-= deej´s last blog ..Donāt Look Back =-.
Karen says:
I’m so glad she was there for you when you needed her most. I hope you one day get the chance to see her again to let her know just how appreciated she is.
Hugs. xo
.-= Karen´s last blog ..The Six Degrees Between Junior High, Duran Duran, and Blogging Fiction =-.
Babbalou says:
Oh Heather I’m crying into my coffee cup. Thanks for sharing your memories with all your online friends! I’m not so traditionally religious, but I believe that nurse was meant to be there with you and Maddie on that terrible day. Thank God for wonderful, compassionate nurses like yours, I can’t imagine how they do it day after day. Some days must take such an emotional toll on them, I hope they know how much their love and care can mean to patients and families. I’m one of the many online friends sending you love and strength Heather, can you feel it?
Lisa says:
The power of a good nurse. I’m glad you had one around you when you needed her most. I’m sure she thinks about you guys often (maybe even reads your blog).
I bet her name is in the medical records, maybe Dr. Risky or Dr. Looove could look into for you and get her name for you.
Love and hugs.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Common First Trimester Complaints =-.
Midwest Mommy says:
Tears. What a great person. She sounds like an angel.
.-= Midwest Mommy´s last blog ..So I got an email… =-.
ali (adil320) says:
Oh Heather.
I worked on PEDs for a night this past weekend and the nurses there are truly angels. What a job they have.
I am so thankful that you had that support during that time, but so pissed you had to go through it at all.
Much love mama,
xoxoxo
ali
.-= ali (adil320)´s last blog ..Silly Little Man =-.
Manda says:
Tears, and Hugs
from Minnesota
Andrea K. says:
I am a nurse and I can tell you for sure she has not forgotten you. Helping someone through such a horrific experience is not something you can forget. Write the letter and send it to the Peds unit, she will know who she is, and most likely her coworkers will too. It will mean the world to her.
Alisha says:
It’s always wonderful when you find a nurse that cares so much.
.-= Alisha´s last blog ..Our Change =-.
Anna Marie Hinnant says:
Lisa was our PICU Nurse Angel. She took care of all of us while Thomas was on the oscillating vent and his numbers were bonging all over the place. She explained what all the numbers meant, she would report his new blood gas numbers every 15 minutes, she would hug me when I cried, she would frown at the doctors when they said something thoughtless or uncaring. I have lost track of her but I will never forget her.
I feel certain your nurse will read this or somehow find you. People like that never truly leave our lives.
Hugs.
suzanne says:
oh my god oh my god oh my god. This is so hard.
Heather says:
People like that make the world a good place to be. Hearing stories of such selflessness makes up for so much bad in the world.
I’m praying that Binky does NOT have the occasion to have a favorite nurse!
.-= Heather´s last blog ..24 Hours- Iām OK and youāre OK =-.
Adrienne says:
This one brought the tears….
Im so glad you and Maddie had her. And Im sure she will never forget you, or your sweet baby girl, either!
Abby says:
I am in school to get my RN and I can only hope and pray to be that kind of nurse to all of my patients. She certainly was an angel…and I’m so glad you had her with you….
Alexandra says:
Oh, Heather: I am so grateful you had an angel on earth during that time, until others could get to you.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world: those that make the world better, and those that don’t. Your nurse made a huge difference in the biggest moment of your life. Thank you, to her, for making the world better.
Davezwife says:
I became a nurse when I was in my 30’s. It’s just something I always had dreamed of doing.
Stories like this are the reason why.
.-= Davezwife´s last blog ..Davez. =-.
Krystle says:
Nurses really make such a huge impact. Your experiences there can be completely different depending on the nurse you have. It’s unreal that this nurse can be there in the most terrifying moment of your life, to lend a hand and a shoulder and then just go back to her job, just like that. What an incredible woman. It would be nice for you to find her one day again.
.-= Krystle´s last blog ..Life lately in point form. =-.
Adventures In Babywearing says:
I imagine you will see her again and it will bring you back to the comforting moments, and not the bad. I ran into one of Noah’s nurses at the grocery store and didn’t remember her at first but just had my head filled with flashbacks and feelings as soon as I saw her face, before I realized who she really was. It was strange, yet exciting.
Thinking of you.
Steph
.-= Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..She pointed to his picture and said this is my baby brother. =-.
Em says:
She sounds like an amazing nurse – and it’s wonderful that both you and Maddie were able to make a connection with her and had someone to trust in the hospital. I hope that you can reconnect(in a NON hospital setting – hear that Binky?!)
Trisha Vargas says:
Sitting at my desk with goosebumps and lots of tears…….Oh, how my heart hurts for you.
(((HUGS))) from your friend in Florida
Tammy says:
Please write that letter. My best friend is a nurse and I know a letter like that would mean the world to her. You may not remember her name but maybe there’s a way they could locate her. I am so glad you had someone so familiar with you at a moment when you needed her and I’m sure she was sent from above to be with you. My prayers are with you.
J says:
Nurses are angels. There’s no doubt about it.
RWBGrandma says:
The tears are flowing. I pray that you will find her soon. Praying for you, Mike, and Binky. And for the grandparents.
pgoodness says:
She will never forget your or Maddie. I am so glad she came back when you needed her most.
xo
.-= pgoodness´s last blog ..Answering questions =-.
Jennifer says:
She was an angel that you needed that day. Thank goodness she was there for you. Maybe you could go to the hospital to try and find her.
mandy says:
She was your angel. Sent to you in a time of need. Someone upstairs knew what was happening and what was going to happen in those 3 hours, and she was sent to you.
I don’t cry easily, at least I didn’t think I did.
I’m crying in my coffee.
Jennifer says:
Oh Heather. I’m crying over my coffee reading this.
I truly believe nurses are the unsung heroes of the medical community. This young woman sounds like one of those special ones who takes one of her most important roles seriously – taking care of the little ones AND their Moms. I am so glad she was there for you and I’m quite certain she hasn’t forgotten you or Maddie either.
Reading your post reminded me of when I had my second D&C procedure. It was actually my third miscarriage so by that point, I was feeling pretty worn down, emotionally fragile, and physically not as strong. While I had survived my first D&C pretty well (I had them both completely awake with a bit of drugs in the doctor’s office) the second one was harder on me. I recall there was a nurse assisting my doctor and she could see that I was struggling. After watching me for a few seconds, she put a warm compress on my belly and then grabbed my hand and held it firmly throughout the rest of the procedure. She certainly didn’t have to do that. My husband was on the left side of me also holding my hand, but, it was like she could see my pain – inside and out – and reached out to me.
I have never forgotten her. I saw her a few times after this and one time when we happened to end up alone in the hallway at the medical office, I stopped her and told her how much her small gesture had helped me that day. She seemed to really appreciate it — although, honestly, I’ll never know if she really remembered me or not.
If you could track your angel nurse down somehow, I bet she’d appreciate knowing how much her caring and attention meant to you and Maddie.
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Saying goodbye⦠=-.
Suzie says:
Oh Heather, call and get her name,. I am a nurse and she would absolutely love to reconnect with you!! As a nurse, I love when my patient’s families contact me. It is such a wonderful feeling to know that you have touched someone’s life. Your Maddie is an Angel and her hurse was delivered to you to help you through this tragedy. Take care. Hugs.
Megan says:
It’s heartwarming to hear about such wonderful people. I hope you can remember her name soon.
.-= Megan´s last blog ..Etsy Love =-.
AJ says:
As a nurse I can tell you these are the moments, the patients, the families we remember for the rest of our lives. The rare ones you click with and feel so close to even though they are in your live for such a short time. And later all you can hope is that you were a comfort to the loved ones. And the grief of the loss is one we feel so strongly.
.-= AJ´s last blog ..-2= -7 total =-.
Tara. says:
Tears streaming down my face. I’m so sorry Heather. Those words sound so empty. I grieve for you and feel your hurt all the time. I’m so happy that nurse was there. I hope someday, you will be able to reconnect with her and see her warm smile again. I know she would love to know how much she means to you. What a giver, what an open loving heart she has.
.-= Tara.´s last blog ..All Work and No Play. =-.
Kathryn says:
As a nurse, as a mother, as a person…this post touched me so much. I’m so glad she was with you and made a difference to you and Maddie.
Sarah says:
Heather,
I recently started reading this website. I had, through other blogs I read, learned a little bit about Maddie, but I would avoid coming here for fear it would break my heart. But one day I couldn’t any more- so I visited and although my heart breaks for you every time… I find that your writing and expression and love for your family is so elegant and lovely. I am always wishing you and Mike the best with your 2nd child!
I am a nurse in an ICU – not pediatric. But just the same, I thought this was so beautiful! And it makes me proud of my profession when I hear that some nurse out there had meant so much to you at a time like that. I worry sometimes that nurses like her are not always easy to find. But in my opinion, it’s moments like that where they matter the most.
Lots of warm wishes and love to you and your family!
Michelle Pixie says:
My heart breaks for you and any parent that has to live this.
{{{HUGS}}}
.-= Michelle Pixie´s last blog ..Hope =-.
binkytowne says:
I’m absolutely sure she will never forget you and Mike and know, just like everyone else that she will never forget Maddie. I’m sure it’s not easy for you to relive these moments and tell us these stories but I’m glad you did.
.-= binkytowne´s last blog ..As You Were =-.
Chrissie says:
We were in the checkout line at a store last week and we ran into one of Taylor’s NICU nurse’s. She was in line right in front of us. I hope that you run into her again.
(((((HUGS))))))
Jennifer says:
That post is amazing. Touching. I am crying with empathy for you. Also for the nurse. It’s so hard, to watch someone you care about go through such unimaginable pain. I know she had to care about your family, just as much as you did her. Some patients are just special like that, like Maddie.
Elizabeth says:
Wow. This post touched me so much. I work with nurses and they truly are heroes. I am sure your nurse remembers you and Isincerely hope that you are able to find her. Lots of love.
Karen says:
Barbara and Sharon
Barbara was the nurse who helped me find my place as Cassie’s mom in the NICU – I can still hear her saying “This is YOUR child – we’re only here to help”. She helped me find my confidence again and was my guide during the 3-1/2 months we were there. She picked me up off the floor more times than I can count and then was there to hold my hand when we ended up PICU only one week after we finally made it home.
Sharon was a different kind of lifeline – she was Cassies night nurse and my eyes and ears when I couldn’t be there with Cassie. Caring for my daughter was her job. Taking my calls and talking and with me at all hours of the night and early morning, leaving letters and pictures of things that happened while I wasn’t there, the genuine LOVE that she gave my daughter – that wasn’t part of the job description…
They will both always have a special place in my heart and I will make sure that Cassie grows up knowing what a gift these wonderful women gave her.
I hope with all my heart that you are able to find and connect with your special nurse.
Meredith says:
Heather,
Believe me, that nurse definitely remembers Maddie, you and Mike. My second child was in the NICU for 8 days after he was born. A few months ago, we accidentally ran into Nurse Jane and she recognized/remembered us. My son is now about to turn 10 years old and we haven’t seen her since he was 6 months old. Nurses are wonderful, especially NICU/PICU nurses and there are ones like our Jane that you make a connection with.
I hope you get to talk to your special angel nurse soon and share…
All my best.
Meredith in Colorado
Molly says:
Oh, that is so moving. I want to read it again but my vision is too blurred with tears.
I am so sorry you had to go through this. And I am so glad she was there for you. Would you recognize her name if you saw it? Maybe you could check the hospital’s website or something (I’m sure you’ve already thought of that but maybe somebody else will have a more creative suggestion!).
Joie says:
I just read this letter on a CaringBridge website…
A Letter from Above
Dear Mom,
I know this is a rough time for you. So I will be as gentle as I can be. First of all, thank you for so many tears, particularly those shared with another that you love. They are a gift to me, a precious tribute to your investment in me. As you do your mourning, do it at your pace only. Don’t let anybody suggest that you do your grief work on their timetable. Do whatever it takes to face directly the reality of what has happened, even though you may need to pause frequently and yearn for my return. Do this with courage and my blessings.
Know that sometimes inertia is the only movement possible. Give your best to keeping a balance between remembering me and renewing your commitments to life. It’s O.K. with me if you go through minutes, hours and even days not thinking about me. I know that you’ll never forget. Loosening me and grabbing hold of a new meaning is a delicate art. I’m not sure if one comes before the other or not, maybe it’s a combination.
Be with people who accept you as you are. Mention my name out loud, and if they don’t make a hasty retreat, they’re probably excellent candidates for friendship. If, by a remote possibility, you think that there is anything that you could have done for me and didn’t, I forgive you, as my Lord does. Resentment does not abide here, only love. You know how people sometimes ask you how many children you have? Well, I’m still yours and you are still my Mom. Always acknowledge that with tenderness, unless to do so would fall on insensitive ears or would be painful to you. I know how you feel inside. To be included as your child honors me. Read, even though your tears anoint the page. There is an immense library here and I have a card. In Henri Nowens’ “Out of Solitude”, he writes, “The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair and confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” Mom, I don’t know where you are spiritually now, but rest assured that our God is not gone. The still small voice you hear in your heart is HIS voice. The warmth that sometimes enfolds you is HIM. The tears that tremble just beneath your heartbeat is HIM. HE is in you, as I am. I want you to know that I am O.K. I have sent you messages to ease your pain, they come in the form of flowers that bloom out of season, birds singing, voices and visions and sometimes through your friends and even strangers who volunteer as angels. Stay open but don’t expect the overly dramatic. You will get what you need and it may be simply an internal peace. You are not crazy, you have been comforted. Please seek out people bereaved longer than you. They are tellers of truth, and if they have done their work, are an inspiration and a beacon of hope whose pain lessened dramatically. And one more wisdom before I close. There are still funny happenings in our world. It delights me to no end when I hear your spontaneous, uncontrolled laughter. That, too, will come in due time. Today, I light a candle for you. Joined with your candle, let their light shine above the darkness.
Affectionately,
Your Angel Child
Alison says:
This story is beautiful.
xoxo
.-= Alison´s last blog ..Numbers =-.
layla says:
praying you will find her.
love from oklahoma
layla
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] says:
You’re so fortunate to have had her in your life at a time when you needed her the most.
I hope you never have to cross paths with her again in the hospital.
ali says:
There are truly some special, special people in this world. It’s obvious that this nurse is one of them. I hope you find her.
.-= ali´s last blog ..I told them that I was king of the where the wild things are. They just didnāt want to listen. =-.
Jen says:
What an amazing person that nurse was and is. I am so thankful for those types of people within the PICU.
I was in a somewhat similar situation and there was one particular nurse I gravitated toward. The doctor was freaking out and sternly barking orders (I felt we may have lost our daughter in that moment) I used the nurse as my barometer, I looked to him to see if I should be panicked or if our daughter was going to be ok.
I am so happy you had that nurse at that time! I am so happy that in those moments you had someone who cared SO much for you and Madeline!!
I am so very sad for everything you have had to endure, no one should ever have to see and hear the things you have.
We spent 3 months in the hospital and the things I saw and heard on a daily basis are permanently etched in my mind forever. We spent one month in UCD Trauma 1 and I will never be able to shake those memories from my mind.
Take care of yourself! I am always thinking of you and your family : )
Jen
Laura says:
This was so beautifully written, Heather. What a moving, wonderful tribute to your angel-nurse. I wish you could have met her in far different circumstances, but I am so glad you had her to hold your hand in your darkest hours. It is amazing what a difference some people can make.
Like everyone else said, you could track her down through the hospital. Or let someone else do it, if you think that would be too hard on that heart of yours. I’m sure all anyone would have to do would be to bring a picture of that angel Maddie to the NICU nurses’ station, and “your” nurse would make herself known. Though she was so wonderful to you, she is the lucky one to have known that amazing baby girl, even for a little while.
We are ALL better for having Maddie touch our lives.
((Hugs to you always))
Laura says:
I am so, so glad that you found her!!!!
Danielle says:
Wow, I think she was an angel. I am glad that someone was there for you.
*hugs*
.-= Danielle´s last blog .. =-.
Katie says:
This is so touching… And this just goes to show what a wonderful person you are. Thank you again for sharing this with us. I would definately write that letter! And I am also sure she remembers your family too. Thank you, Heather.
Elaina says:
Wow. This gave me chills. What a wonderful nurse. Thank you for sharing this.
.-= Elaina´s last blog ..Fall Colors Part Deux =-.
april in NJ says:
I think you should definitely write the letter. Even if it doesn’t get to Maddie’s nurse… the fact that the other nurses will maybe read it will touch something in them… make them remember how important their job is, how much they are needed during those difficult times, and maybe give them back a spark that some have lost. love and hugs from NJ.
Lisa says:
Beautifully written…definitely crying. People like the nurse make a world of difference don’t they?
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..What’s Your Profession? =-.
Susan A says:
Beautiful post. Sending love, hugs and kisses.
Katie in WI says:
I’m so glad she was there with you.
Brie says:
I’m so sorry for your loss. Cliched words, but earnestly felt. I have a 1-year-old, and posts like these (all your posts, really) remind me how lucky I am. I’m looking forward to Binky’s entrance in 2010.
Incidentally, I’m not usually one to follow the blogs of strangers, but Maddie’s story sucked me in. Thank you for sharing.
Mama Cas says:
I can imagine how healing it would be for you to contact her again. I would absolutely encourage you to call the hospital or visit there. If neither of those tactics work, maybe you could write a detailed letter to the head nurse of that department and she can either help you or deliver the letter to the nurse you’re looking for. Good luck to you. I know from firsthand experience that a great nurse can make all the difference in the world.
Amy in Oregon says:
Like everyone else, crying. This is such a touching, moving post. I hope that you find her and when the time is right, I am sure you will. I am sure she would love to know how much of a difference she made in yours and Maddie’s lives. I am also, quite certain, that she’ll never forget you guys or Maddie, much like the rest of us who have met you won’t.
Stephanie Stearns Dulli says:
Oh that made me cry. What a beautiful testament to a woman who has obviously chosen the right field to work in. I am so sorry that you had to experience any of that. But grateful you had her with you.
Dawn says:
My mother was a nurse. When she passed away, many people came to her funeral to tell us of stories where she had been there for them and their families. I wished my mom could have been there to hear those wonderful things that meant so much.
I know it may not be easy, but I encourage you to find out that nurse’s name and let her know.
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..From the H-S Nazi =-.
Jenny @ http://motherlawyercrazywoman.blogspot.com/ says:
In tears. Your story breaks my heart. I am glad there was someone there to hold your hand.
.-= Jenny @ http://motherlawyercrazywoman.blogspot.com/´s last blog ..Open Letters =-.
Elizabeth says:
It’s wonderful that you received the level of care that you did, which can make all the difference. But I’m so sorry you had to be in need of that care in the first place.
I came across your blog recently and haven’t known what to say but wanted to say something. My son is 9 1/2 months old and I try to put myself in your shoes but I can’t even imagine what you’ve been going through. My heart goes out to you and your family.
Congratulations on Binky – I am sending positive vibes that she stays in till she’s fully baked! She is going to be such a source of light in your life.
Take care.
.-= Elizabeth´s last blog ..As a side note, it’s Emma Dilemma’s 12th birthday today! Happy Birthday to my no. 1 B&W Springer Spaniel =-.
Holly says:
Request the medical records. Any charting she did would at a minimum have her last name on them. You could track her down that way. I know how special nurses can be. Especially when dealing with your child. You remember the bad ones but the good ones stand out like an angel. Go find her!
Heather says:
Oh, how this post has touched me today. I am crying. The “our girl” line… oh man.
I hope that you have the opportunity to meet face to face with that nurse again some day. I know it’s probably more than you can handle at this point, as it’ll probably open up wounds, but some day.
Thoughts are with you always.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..In the Pool =-.
cindy w says:
And, I’m crying. I’m so glad you had that nurse there to help you. I just hate that you ever had to meet her in the first place.
Odd that you’d write about this today, I just mentioned to my husband this morning that the world be a much better place if nurses ran everything. (Based on a couple of recent doctor visits – nothing major, just noticed how amazingly kind, efficient, and generally kickass they all were.)
.-= cindy w´s last blog ..vaccineād up =-.
Courtney says:
That’s a beautiful thing to be able to have that one nurse, I wish all patients had that ONE nurse! Maybe you will find her one day! God bless.
.-= Courtney´s last blog ..Stand Still =-.
Michele Wallace says:
I can totally relate to your post, there were several nurses at UCLA that I got close with in the 10 weeks Macey was there, and as you say a few I will NEVER forgot. I love reading your blog and do feel your pain. I hope your pregnancy is going well I don’t know you however I do think of you often and check you blog as part of my daily routine.
(((hugs to you)))
Love,
Michele Wallace
Christiana says:
I am crying as i read this. I am so glad she was with you. I hope that somehow she has the opportunity to read this and know how much her help and support meant to you that day and the days previous.
Just a fan says:
you’ll find her. with one phone call, you’ll find her. there’s no forgetting you and absolutely no forgetting Maddie. to hold all the world and all of those memories — good and ever so heartbreaking — together is a tremendous task and i like so many stand in awe. you’ll find her.
Kim says:
Oh Heather, I love this post. I have often thought of the nurses, doctors and EMT’s who worked on Emma. I have wondered if they remember us, if they remember her. I don’t think I would recognize any of them if I ever saw them again, but I do remember how gracious they were. How they gave me a wash cloth, a warm one, to clean Emma up with. How they suggested I cut a bit of her hair. How they cried with Jeremy and I as I sang to her one last time, how they held her so lovingly when I couldn’t anymore and had to leave. I wouldn’t recognize them, but am so grateful for the service they rendered that day.
I am sure if you called the hospital and described her they could tell you who it was.
I am so glad you had someone with you who understood what was going on and loved you and Maddie so very much.
.-= Kim´s last blog ..Psst… =-.
Shannon Kieta says:
Heather…
There are few people that stand out in my mind. I am sure she NEVER forgot you either. God bless you. Shannon
Aunt Becky says:
I know she never forgot you either. I bet you she reads your blog. I’d bet you a zillion dollars she’s reading this.
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Sweater Kittens! Chesticles! Boobs! OH MY. =-.
Haley says:
This touched me very deeply.
Hoping that maybe you will see her after you deliver a healthy Binky.
.-= Haley´s last blog ..Halloween Layout for Deni =-.
Lindsey Claassen says:
From one mother who has felt the pain of losing a child to another…
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%253A%252F%252Fwww.youtube.com%252Fwatch%253Fv%253DZ9JTwJ_1lzE&h=0278ae14f3cd10178a71cdf5f0cf3b26&ref=nf
Adelas says:
Crying with gratefulness that God gave you her to lean on.
Kelly says:
I had to wait until this afternoon, to post a comment. I was crying to hard to type this morning, the nurse is an angel. I think she is probably reading here too.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Annuder kiss and huggy… =-.
Elizabeth says:
I am glad that you had such a wonderful nurse. I hope that she gets to read your post someday.
Marti from Michigan says:
Heather – go to that pediatrics floor and ask about this nurse. A similar thing happened when my dad was in Hospice. When dad was drawing his final breaths, “our” nurse was there for us. She came to dad’s viewing, to his funeral. Working in a Hospice Unit is very difficult work, but she was shining through for us.
It would not be strange to go up to that floor and ask about this nurse. In fact, you could even call that floor and describe the nurse to them and I bet they would know who she is. Then you can either visit her or thank her in a note.
I don’t know why it was Maddie either, but Heaven is a goal to reach for while going through this life, and Maddie is already there and waiting for you.
Jenn says:
Your blog is always the first thing I read in the morning with my fuzzy sleepy eyes, but almost always, it takes me all day to digest what you have written and respond coherently.
Your Maddie was the most awesome kid ever! I am a complete stranger to your family and fell deeply in love with her. Her infectious smile and bright soul and like I said, I am a stranger. Your Nurse was not a stranger to you and your family and I guarantee you that Maddie’s passing was devastating to her like it is to us strangers out here, but ten fold! I know that Maddie will always hold a very special place in her heart.
There are angels that walk this earth and your Nurse was obviously one of them.
You have been given lots of advice on how to find her and knowing your tenacity, you will know her name by the end of the day
I am soo glad that she was there for you in your darkest hour.
Love, jenn in CA
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..Potty Training for Dummies =-.
Issa says:
There is a line I read in a book once. I’ve long since forgtten where however. It was: some people are brought into your life, for a season, a reason or for life.
If you want to find her, I’m sure you can. But maybe she was one of the reason people? She was brought into your life for that one reason.
Hugs Heather.
.-= Issa´s last blog ..Taking back blogging =-.
Jen says:
Heather,
I am an ER social worker. Over a year ago, I was with young parents as their 17 month old daughter died unexpectedly. I can tell you without a doubt that I will never forget that night, that child or her family. Some time later, I received a phone call from the baby’s grandfather. He was calling to thank me for my help that night. While that was wonderful and I appreciated it and will never forget it, I also loved that I was able to tell this man that we talk about his granddaughter a lot at work, that we won’t forget her, and that I was able to ask how the family was doing. I hope you can get in touch with Maddie’s nurse. Hugs to your family.
tara says:
so beautifully written heather. you’ll find her again…and it will be for happy reasons. so many hugs to you..xo
nina says:
Heather, you should send this post to the hospital. To every hospital. Everyone in the medical community should read this. Sending you love.
Mangopuppy says:
I agree — or maybe we could forward it as a chain email — you KNOW how those things make their way around to EVERYONE.
Sherry says:
I am so glad you had someone like that with you!!!!
maybe if you went to the hospital you could ask about her. Although that may be too painful.
I am so sorry for your pain.
I am even more sorry your prayers were not answered for maddie to come out of it.
I lost a close friend recently and she was not supposed to have any trouble with her surgery but she passed.
I prayed and even though your loss is millions more tragic my prayers were not answered either.
However, I still do pray and thank God for all I do have and I am thankful for your little Binkie!!
She will be wonderful.
Thank you for sharing the hard times and for your example of strength. I am amazed by you.
Take care.
Thanks for the beautiful pictures the other day
Thank you for letting so many share in Maddie’s wonderful life!!!!.
Laney says:
Heather, I read each of your posts multiple times. Yours is the only blog I can say that about.
Her saying “our girl” just slayed me. Even if you never remember her name or never get the opportunity to thank her, I’m absolutely positive that she’ll never forget you or Maddie either.
Kristi says:
The tears were flowing as I read this post Heather. I can’t help but wonder if that nurse has been reading your blog all along and will see this post. I am also hoping that someone will forward it to her in that 6 degrees of separation kind of way. But if neither of those scenarios plays out I hope you will print a copy and mail it to the unit director at the hospital. She is the kind of nurse we would all like to have at our side in our dark uncertain hours. This post reminds me of one of my favorite songs “Angels Among Us” by Alabama.
Thank you for sharing this story of a beautiful person being at your side amidst such an unfathomable moment.
Ray says:
You should definitely get in contact with the hospital. I’m sure you’ll be able to find her. She sounds like an angel. I’m glad she was there for you in those three hours.
Stefanie says:
Just listening.
.-= Stefanie´s last blog ..The Happy Report =-.
Jessika says:
Ok, I’m crying too. I’m so grateful you had someone to be there for you, though.
Amanda says:
In all of your posts I think this one may have made me cry more than most. It is amazing how the right person can make such a difference and I am so glad she was there for you in the worst moment of your life.
I do hope you get to talk again, and in much better circumstances.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..BAA – Book Addicts Anonymous =-.
ruth says:
Thanks again for sharing your lives with us.
.-= ruth´s last blog ..Autumn in NJ =-.
Erin says:
this brough tears to my eyes. I am so sorry you dont remember her name, but how blessed we are sometimes when such amazing people come into our lives, later to help us through some hard times!
.-= Erin´s last blog ..Thinking Back =-.
Porscha is says:
Your post made me cry at work this morning. Again.
On an unrelated note, though, I just saw that you won in the blog contest that ended very recently. Congratulations! I enjoy your blog and voted for you a number of times.
Mary Ann says:
How wonderful for Maddie to have such a special angel in her life. How comforting it must have been to have her with Maddie in those last hours. Wonderful nurses should be praised they are angels on earth, but even if you never meet again, I’m sure she knows how you feel. Sending you hugs – and prayers for Binky.
AMomTwoBoys says:
I’m so glad someone like her was there to hold your hand.
I love you.
.-= AMomTwoBoys´s last blog ..The YUCK =-.
Josie says:
I popped over from the contest where I was suposed to be voting for baby makin machine, and I saw all your votes and decided to see what you were all about. I have spent my entire afternoon reading about your family, your sweet girls and you. You are such a strong and amazing woman and those girls are lucky to have a mom like you! Thank you for keeping your spirit up, I know it must be SO hard! I will for sure be back many times to come and hope you will pop over once in a while and say hello to me! best wishes-
With Love
Josie
.-= Josie´s last blog ..Crunchy Tuesday =-.
JAR says:
I’ll bet that sweet nurse will never forget you or Maddie, either. I hope you can remember her name.
Take care,
Jenny
Heather says:
Wow. I am always amazed at the people that do such difficult jobs like that nurse. I can’t imagine doing it for a day, let alone a career. I hope she gets every accolade she deserves for being there for you.
And thanks for helping put my day in perspective. Again.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Home again, Home again, jiggity jig =-.
Twwly says:
What a beautiful and sad post.
Amyinbc says:
I hope she has just read that beautiful tribute as I have. You should track her down, let her know how much she meant to you all. I am sure it would mean the world to her to know how much she helped.
Heather says:
I hope you guys find each other!
.-= Heather´s last blog ..a single leaf =-.
tabitha says:
find her and hold on to her.
Farial says:
im currently a nursing student and if theres anything im sure about, it’s that patient care is my passion…im over here tearing up because of this story. it warms my heart whenever i know that theres a nurse out there making a difference because i LIVE to serve my patients. it sounds kinda weird but i care so much about them, because think about it these are people who a week ago had lives just like u but life threw them a fastball and they didnt catch it in time and now have to pay for it…how can you NOT do all that you can to make sure theyre prepped and ready when the time comes to hit that ball out of the park??
Kel says:
This touched me. I had a nurse similar to this when I was going through problems with my pregnancy with my oldest. Although I too have forgotten her name I will never ever forget her. I, too, believe that she has not forgotten you or Maddie. Sometimes people come into our lives and touch us in ways we cannot explain. Beautifully written.
.-= Kel´s last blog ..Sometimesā¦. =-.
Patty says:
I am so grateful to that beautiful nurse for helping you as much as she did. I think that when the time is right and you are ready, you will either remember her name or you will be able to walk into that hospital and find out her name and maybe even be able to give her a big hug. I really wish I could give you a big hug right now. I truly love you and your family. Love from AZ, Patty
.-= Patty´s last blog ..I Am =-.
Jenna says:
As a nurse and dedicated reader (first time commenter) I am so touched by your post… I think about you and your family daily. Thank you so much for having the courage to write for so many of us to read.
āWhen you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.ā ā Kahlil Gibran
Katrina says:
I love that quote. So true, so true.
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..Fourteen Months =-.
Kristin says:
You write amazing blogs. I have been reading for awhile, and your story has really touched my heart. You have strength that I admire and are truly an inspiration.
Ann says:
Isn’t it funny how someone so involved in such a major part of your life leaves your life as quickly as they entered? As a former NICU nurse of 6 years that happened to me a lot. I’ve kept in touch with some families of NICU survivors and also with families who lost their angels. Let me tell you first hand, we don’t forget you either. Your name may escape us, even the child’s name may leave our memory over time. But never the face, never the tears of the parents. It means so much to me when parents tell me that I made the worst day of their lives just a tiny bit bearable. I’m sure you and Maddie are two faces THE NURSE has in her mind and heart forever.
Denise Jones says:
Someday, when your mind is more receptive and not trying too hard, her name WILL pop right up. What a blessing to have such an angel with you at such an awful, traumatic time. You have renewed my faith in the medical profession! God bless you all….
Alicia @ bethsix says:
I’m certain she knows what she meant to you, and I’m certain Maddie (and her momma and daddy) meant a lot to her too. I bet you’ll reconnect with her someday.
.-= Alicia @ bethsix´s last blog ..This Parenting Deal? Difficult. =-.
mythoughtsonthat says:
Faith….Hope….Love….Peace.
.-= mythoughtsonthat´s last blog ..I Wish I Knew =-.
Lea Summers says:
GO LOOK FOR HER! YOU’LL FIND HER!
Thanks for this post! It just shows me that everything I do at work for my patients is actually appreciated!
Debby says:
It is amazing how someone we really don’t know can actually be the person who gets us through the hardest of times. I am so glad that you had her. God is good.
.-= Debby´s last blog ..I AM SO BLESSED TO CALL HER MY FRIEND =-.
Michelle W says:
That nurse, what a brave soul, what an amazing person. I know I wouldn’t have it in me and the world really needs people capable of being in the moment like that. It’s not that I don’t posses the compassion but my fears get in the way and I just wouldn’t have that kind of strength. I’m so glad she was there for you and Maddie, thank you for sharing this. I have no doubt you communicated without words how much you appreciated her. Once again you managed to catch me off guard
Heidi says:
Hugs.
.-= Heidi´s last blog ..Single White Female =-.
Lesley O says:
Heather and Mike
I having been reading your blog for some time but this is my first time commenting and so I apologize in advance for the length. First I would like to thank you personally. I don’t know how I stumbled upon your blog, but it was while I was expecting my first child and very shortly after you had lost your Maddie. As luck would have it our son would arrive 7 weeks early and although he arrived in pretty good shape and was only in the NICU for 4 weeks, it was reading your blog during my pregnancy that would unknowingly prepare me for our time in the NICU. Your courage and honesty to write about your loss and the difficult times helped keep things in perspective for me.
I too understand the bond you form with that one special/favourite nurse. I canāt seem to thank the wonderful nurses enough for the love and support they gave to us and the other families in the NICU during such difficult times. We try to return to the NICU at least once a month to say hello and deliver coffee or treats to whomever should be on shift and we have kept in personal contact with several of the aunties (as they refer to themselves)ā¦especially our favourite. These wonderful nurses have become an extension of our family in some strange way.
Finally, I am so pleased that you and Mike are expecting your Binky ā¦and on Valentines day no less (I am a Valentines baby too). It seems an appropriate day for such a loved child to join such a loving family. Your Binky is so very luck to have such loving, strong, courageous parents and such a beautiful sister in Maddie. Thinking of you all every day with much love.
Melissa says:
What a wonderful post. As a pedi/picu/nicu nurse, I sometimes wonder if holding a hand is enough and this made me feel like it sometimes is. Thank you.
I’m certain she remembers you, she always will. You should send her a copy of this post for her to read.
Liz says:
“oh i believe there are angels among us
sent down to us, from somewhere up above
they come to you and me
in our darkest hour
to show us how to give
to teach us how to live
to guide us with a light of love
they wear so many faces, show up in the strangest places
to grace us with their mercy, in our time of need”
~”Angels Among Us” Alabama
Liz says:
Heather,
I cannot find words to express the sadness I feel for you and your family. Your words have left me in tears. I’m so sorry.
Liz
Mary says:
Just beautiful. You will find her. And I’m sure all of you touched her and she is changed in some small way from meeting you.
Lindsay from Florida says:
What an amazing person that nurse was. I very much believe you will find each other again one day under completely different circumstances.
Thinking of you today, Heather and praying that all is well … we worry about you when we don’t hear your words each morning.
Laura says:
I get worried when there is no post too!!! I am praying that everything is fine and you were just so busy celebrating your blog award that you didn’t have time to post!!!
Lots of love to you both!!! And Maddie and Binky OF COURSE!!
xoxoxoxo
Jenn says:
Me too!! It is always the first thing I look for in the morning and get so worried when I don’t see a new post.
But hopefully like you said, she is busy getting all of her NICU packs ready
Congrats on the win! I voted as much as I could!
Love, Jenn in CA
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..Potty Training for Dummies =-.
Gale says:
Another concerned reader. I hope all is well with each of you and Binky.
Jennifer says:
Yeah! Congrats – Heather won!!
Laura says:
Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go team Maddie!!!!
Krystle says:
You have to go back to vote for the finalist round so Friends of Maddie can win the $1000! There’s another round of voting!
.-= Krystle´s last blog ..Life lately in point form. =-.
Laura says:
Heather is not winning Round 2!!!!!!!! Go vote everyone!!!! Friends of Maddie needs us!!!!!!!!
Donna Alzona says:
I think of you and your family every day and wish I could some how make your pain go away, even for a minute. You’ll remember her name. You’re pregnant and pregnancy makes you forget an awful lot
Julie says:
I read your blog daily, but have never commented. If you get a chance, I thought you might look at the following blog…
ramerbunch.blogspot.com
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Amanda says:
My husband is a physician, not a nurse, but he has never forgotten the baby and the one special family he met and had the pleasure of helping on his PICU rotation as a medical student. He told and retold their story to me while he was caring for them and when the little girl lost her fight during one of his shifts, he called me sobbing. He’s now an attending in radiology and years away from this experience and we’re parents now ourselves. He still talks about this one family and that one special little girl.
I think that nurse remembers you, remembers Maddie and has shared her own late night stories about your family with those she loves. She would LOVE to hear from you at some point and to see that you are still here, still parenting, still making it. My husband would love to see his “family” again, and even though this is not possible, I secretly hope that someday they will know how much they impacted his life and changed who he is as a physician, father, human being.
Laura says:
Amanda, that was beautifully written. Hugs to your family and husband! It is touching and encouraging to hear that the doctors and nurses DO care and love their little patients so much. And really, how could they not?
Love you Spohrs!!!!!!!
Vera says:
What a heartbreaking post… I had a nurse who took care of my daughter in the PICU who was wonderful too, and when I left I kicked myself for not remembering her name… I just asked the hospital for a copy of her nursing notes from the time that I knew that nurse took care of her, and from that I was able to get her name – I wrote her a letter and wrote to the hospital telling them how great she was. A year later when we were back at the same hospital having problems but on a different floor, she also came to be with us. People like that really are angels on earth!
Dina says:
Another daily reader hoping that everything is great and you are just busy/tired, etc.
Please post or tweet something when you have a moment!
There are SO many thinking positive, healthy, wonderful thoughts for you, Binky, Mike and of course Maddie (and Rigby too)
Krystle says:
Hi Mike & Heather,
I just noticed that you are now in the finalist round for the blogging award, you should make a post now asking people to go back and vote again to win the $1000 prize!
Go here to vote until the 26th of October!
http://pregnant.thebump.com/extras/mommy-blog-awards/articles/best-overall-blog-mommy-blog-awards.aspx
.-= Krystle´s last blog ..Life lately in point form. =-.
Rebecca says:
I know how terrible that can be. Watching the nurses poke and poke over and over again trying to find a microscopic vein to start an IV. My son was in the hospital for a terrible infection at 8 months old. One IV sort of dried up??, and the other one, he pulled out. The last one they put in him during that stay was in his head. I knew when they took him away they were going to do it in his head, but nothing prepared me for actually seeing the IV tubes going out of his sweet little head. God I cried and cried when I saw that.
It’s also heartbreaking to see a baby after surgery, with all the heart monitors, oxygen sensor, and whatever else they have those poor kids hooked up to.
Alissa says:
Oh Heather, you have me in tears! I don’t think I’ve posted before but I’ve followed your story since shortly after precious Maddie passed. This post just touched me like no other. I am nearly finished with medical school at the moment to be a nurse and it is stories like this that make me certain I chose the right field. I am so happy that you had someone there for you that you felt comfortable with, during the hardest time in your life.
While of course I would never wish loss upon ANYONE, I hope that I am able to comfort someone someday in almost the same manner. God bless you, your new little one on the way, Mike, and of course your angel Maddie.
Sarcastica says:
I really hope that her name comes to randomly, perhaps when you’re watching TV and something jogs your memory, or maybe while looking back on some old blog posts about her ~ but even if it doesn’t, you still remember HER which is the really important part.
Any nurse that will shed tears over a patient is a fantastic one, it means they truly care. xoxo
.-= Sarcastica´s last blog ..Wordless Wednessday =-.
Danny says:
Beautiful. I still weep when I think of a few of the NICU nurses who had a special relationship with our son and who were there so compassionately when our other son died. Some of those folks are just amazing human beings.
Jen says:
As a pediatric nurse I was so touched by your post about this great nurse that cared for not only Maddie, but also for you!! Call the peds department head and find out her name, most hospitals have programs that recognize outstanding nurses and she for sure needs to be recognized!! Thank you for the window into your life, i read everyday and am a better nurse because of it!
Laura says:
We need to go vote again!! Heather won for best baby journal blog, but to win the prize money she needs to win the overall best blog award. There are a couple of blogs that are ahead of hers right now!!
Go vote everyone!!! Friends of Maddie needs us!! Let’s get all those support packs out to the NICU families!!!!!
Vote as much as you can- just use the refresh button so you can vote often and quickly!!!
http://pregnant.thebump.com/extras/mommy-blog-awards/articles/best-overall-blog-mommy-blog-awards.aspx
Hope all is well, Mama Spohr!!!!!!
Kris says:
*crying*
I’m sure she will never ever forget you or your sweet little Maddie. What a wonderful gift to have someone who cared so much for you and your beautiful girl, and to stand beside you during the worst of times.
Love to all of you, and your earthbound angel.
Lauren says:
I have a similar nurse-angel (though I was the patient in my case) who I’d like to thank — I can’t remember her name either. Frustrating — she was so vitally important to me, but that time was so hectic and traumatic that the name’s been blocked out. I hope she knows I appreciated deeply who she was for me.
Thinking of, supporting, and pulling for you and your family today as always.
Dixie says:
I live in Northern California and after reading that post, I would come and scour every hospital in Southern California to find her for you. If I made that positive of an impact on someone, I’d want to know. How many times does a person get the chance to mean that much to someone else? I think she was very lucky to be there for and with you that day and I know you were lucky to have her next to you.
Shannon says:
Beautiful. As a pediatric nurse, this is a true testament to what we all hope to provide for a family while caring for their loved one. Thank you for sharing.
Becky says:
Thank you for this post. I am a nurse and can honestly tell you that personal notes from my patients are some of the most precious thing in the world. It is amazing to see the difference I can make. I know without a doubt that your nurse remembers you. May God bless you and your family.
Becky says:
I am an RN and worked in a Surgical Intensive Care Unit. I had that one special patient that I gave every bit of being to keep him alive. Day after Day after Day for 5 weeks I gave my heart. If i don’t ever work anouth day as a nurse i truly am fulfilled from this one pt. I was there for those moments with is family. I think you should try to find Maddies nurse. i have recently re connected with my pt.s family… through facebook. and it was a healing moment for both of us. I as nurse for a brief moment in their life have now enjoyed seeing their little girls and how his wife is doing and putting her life back together. If your nurse was special enough to work in a Critical Care unit she is a very special person. From a nurse… Please try to find her. I’m sure she would be thrilled to know of your pregnancy and I’m sure you are on her mind as well. she deserves to get that hug from you and to know that you have a special place for her. We as nurses endure some of the most amazing moments in ones life as well as truly share in the hearthache. In the unit we don’t only take care of the patients, we take care of the families as well. There aren’t many other jobs out there that you have the opportunity to spend virtually around the clock hours with a family.
What a special little gift you have. The spirit of Maddie is touching those across the country. What an amazing little being.
Tracy I says:
I can’t stop crying. What a lovely tribute to Maddies nurse…I hope she somehow reads this post.
Kristin says:
When I had to say goodbye to my baby, Morgan I had a nurse like this. She was there with me through delivery, and through the goodbye almost 3 years ago. Her name was Jill. I didn’t remember it at the time, but I asked everyone I came across in that hospital until I found it out. I wrote her a letter that wasn’t anything like I wanted to express. How can you thank a person for comforting you when are losing a child?
I came face to face with my super nurse just 4 weeks ago in the delivery room yet again. I was getting a spinal and in major labor and when she walked in the room I swear time stopped. She started crying before I did.
It made me realize that although nurses and medical professionals go through things every day there are still those ones. Those ones who remember, who actually do love, and actually do care about their patients and people around them in a professional environment.
I found mine again, I hope you find yours.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..Ready for a birth story? =-.
Kathy D says:
I’m sitting with tear streaked cheeks, because I forgot. Because I hid those memories in order to cope. Because I’ve been there, like you watching my premature son be poked and prodded, on oxygen and an IV in his head, under the billy lights with super hero goggles on. I stood in shock and shook.
I just found your blog today. Thank you for helping me remember all the wonderful nurses.
Allyson says:
For the rest of my life, I will remember the women who cared for my baby, who loved my baby, when I wasn’t there. The women who held me up, handed me tissues, and helped me understand. The women who hoped as hard as I did because their hearts hurt as much as my own. They are precious gifts to us.
Al_Pal says:
Gah. Beautiful, touching, poignant, story.
I, too, imagine The Nurse would want to hug you and hear about Binky… but certainly that can wait if it is too stressful right now!
xox
monica says:
what a heartwarming story. Hope you can reconnect with your nurse- angel. I am a nurse as well and stories like this make it all worth it.
Two Makes Four says:
There always seems to be one amazing, life-changing nurse. I’m glad you had her then. I hope you find her again.
.-= Two Makes Four´s last blog ..The Effing Pumpkin Patch =-.
Paige says:
As a nurse, this brought tears to my eyes. It’s nice to be reminded of the long-term impact attentive and compassionate care can have on a family. I shared this post with several of my nurse friends. Thank you for this. And I hope you can be reunited with this nurse. I’m sure she would be touched to read this.
Krista says:
Well, Heather, your streak of making me cry every time I read your site continues unbroken. I’m so glad that you had someone like this nurse with you at such an awful time. As a health care provider, I can promise you that she remembers Maddie and those horrible hours vividly and wishes she could have changed the outcome for you and your beautiful daughter.
A possibility for finding your nurse: call the floor where she works, explain that you want to write a letter of thanks, and describe her. Someone is bound to be able to help.
I think of you often and have my fingers crossed that you and Binky enjoy a healthy full-term pregnancy and a good birth.
Alex says:
Wow…every time I come across your story I find myself in tears. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find your nurse. It’s people who don’t even realise that they’re helping you that deserve the most thanks.
.-= Alex´s last blog ..Oh well, here goes… =-.
deanna says:
i know this is old and maybe you wont see this comment, but as a pediatric icu nurse might i say that i am incredibly proud to consider this wonderful nurse as one of my colleagues. ours is a difficult job, but nowhere near as difficult as it is to be a parent of a child in the picu. i cant believe to begin to understand what is going on in the hearts and heads of my patient’s parents, but i can only hope that i’ve been able to be *that nurse* for some of my patients and their families when they’ve needed it. thank you for posting this, for the reminder that as a bedside nurse we are appreciated. i hope you’ve been able to find *your nurse,* but if not know that there is a picu nurse in nyc that is incredibly grateful to you for sharing this difficult memory. it’s helped to remind my why my job, even on the most difficult of days, is truly my calling.
Carrie says:
I believe people are placed in our lives just when we need them – seems to be what happened with this woman. You needed her to help you through the worst imaginable time, and she was there. I’m sure she thinks of you often. How wonderful would it be to see her again and tell her what she means to you. I sure hope you’ll be able to write about that happening some day!
mjoy says:
Hi Heather,
I know this is years too late and I don’t know if you will see this but I couldn’t help myself. My best friend who has been reading your blog for years recently sent me a link to Mike’s post “On the Wings of a Nightingale”. I am a NICU nurse and I cannot express how much I love my job. After reading Mike’s beautiful words I went back and started reading your story from the beginning during the few minutes of calm that periodically arise during a night shift (needless to say it took me weeks to get through Maddie’s time in the NICU!).
It took all of a split second for me to fall hopelessly in love with you, Mike and Maddie. Despite the fact that I am meeting your incredible family years after these posts were written and I knew from the beginning that your time with Maddie was far too short, her passing was still shocking to me and I have to admit that I have spent the past few days sobbing as I work through your grief with you.
I’m certain that three years later you know this already, and I hope that as I continue to read your moving words I will find a post that details your reconnection with your nurse, but I need to be sure that you know this: your angels are our angels and they change our lives as they change yours. Your nurse has never, and will never, forget Maddie. We remember every smile, every tear. The giggles and the snuggles are imprinted on our hearts and we cherish them as you do.
Last year I had the privilege of caring for a little man that wasn’t as lucky as Maddie. He lived only three months and never got to leave the hospital. Most importantly, he didn’t have amazing parents like you and Mike. As a result I spent more time with him than anyone else in the world. He became my life and he changed me irrevocably. Tomorrow would have been his first birthday. I have thought of him and sent up a prayer for him every one of the last 364 days. I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt, your nurse thinks of Maddie, and of you, all the time and is thankful that she was able to be with you when you needed her so terribly.
Jenna says:
I was linked to this post from the Mike’s post of “On the Wings of a Nightingale”.
Today is my daughter’s first birthday and reading this story has made me hold her all that much tighter. I wish Maddie were still here with you. I cannot imagine the pain you feel. My heart is hurting and I don’t even know you.