I am moving, moving, moving. Five days here, three days there, six days somewhere else. It certainly wasn’t the intended effect, but all this travel has kept me from going to the one place I really want to go: inside my head.
I’m a tired insomniac who is depressed and grieving. It’s the time of year when, instead of being happy that I was so busy I made it through another day, I’m annoyed because it means I’m one day closer to the anniversary of my worst day. I want to be distracted from the pain but on my own terms – laying under a blanket, watching Annie dance, observing the way the clouds move outside my bedroom window.
It’s late (or early) and I’m awake. I’m sitting in the green chair in Annie’s room because, in her sleep, she called out for me. And then, as I reached her door, she called out for Maddie. And then she asked for birthday cake. I talk in my sleep, too (you know, when I am actually sleeping). I wonder what she’s dreaming about. For a minute, I let myself imagine that we’re all at a birthday party. Me and my girls.
I can’t let myself do this often…the what-if game is dangerous for me. Plus, in my daydreams Maddie is still 16 months old, and Annie is two years old. I can’t picture what Maddie would look like. She’d be almost four and a half. She’d be so different, in every way.
I want some peace. I want to sleep, and feel rested. I want Maddie to hold her sister’s hand when she calls out for her. I want things to get easier. I want what I can’t have.
Don’t we all.
InDueTime says:
Hugs to you my friend. There are no words I can say that will ease this kind of pain, but we’re here for you.
xoxo
Sue says:
If only THIS was a dream, Heather………………………………..
Huge hugs to you,,,,,,,,,,
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
I’d like to echo InDueTime’s comment above. We’re here for you…
Lauren says:
I’m not sure what to say except yes… we’re here for you… we’re reading and you’re not alone.
Gwen says:
I’m awake too. It always seems that longing is worse at night, when I can’t sleep, when all I want to do is be asleep to escape thinking for a few hours. Hugs from another haunted insomniac.
LilianCali says:
I can only agree with Lauren, that we’re here for you and we’re reading!
xxxxx
Lilian xx
Jenny says:
My son’s close friend died when they were 4. He never mentioned dreams about her before she died but he still occasionally does now. It gives me comfort to think of visits from our sweet girl.
Wishing you peace and comfort at your house, for all of you. And, especially, wishing you sweet dreams.
Sara says:
I have a friend that passed away in high school and sometimes I have dreams that we’re hanging out and talking. I like to think she just wanted to come catch up and hang out. Maybe this is Maddie’s way of hanging out with her sister, in dreams.
Linda Campbell says:
We all want what we can’t have. All I want is my Dad back so he can play with my son, and be my Dad that I need so much!
None of it is fair, none of it is right.
Kim says:
Oh I know it. It is like we talked about, we can’t think of the “if she were here” scenarios. It is just too hard. But, our souls miss our girls so much and we just want to feel whole and complete again.
Thinking of you as rough days (and nights) are inevitable and come faster than you ever can imagine.
Lisa says:
Everyone wants what they cant have, such an unfair after effect of being alive. I think it is a good thing for you to think of them together and playing, holding hands, etc. Because they will always be sisters no matter what. Maddie came here for a purpose, and I know she was meant to brighten your lives and for her to enjoy hers for the short time she was here. She has touched SO many with her bright sunshiney smile and we all remember her and always will. And that is because of her awesome parents!! Maddie means as much as Annie does, and Annie seems to really get that. Even at the early age of just TWO!
And you need some Trazadone girl! Or some Sominex, Benadryl etc.
I cannot function or be happy when I am sleep deprived. Here’s to hoping your days and nights get more peaceful!!
Melissa says:
Ahh, be careful with the Trazadone. I take it occasionally and it does work very well. TOO well. You wont be able to wake up in the night, and when you do wake, you will still have the side effects for HOURS!
suzanne says:
The what-if game is dangerous for anyone. When you’ve experienced loss, especially a preventable loss, the what-if game can take over your brain, your life. The more tired you are, the more emotionally vulnerable and depressed you become, the harder it is to turn off the what-if thoughts; you cannot break free from their exhausting grip. I have not walked in your shoes, but I have played that game. I wish you peace, and I am with you in spirit, pushing away the what-ifs.
suzanne says:
Just to clarify, when I say “preventable” I meant in the sense that if you could walk back in time and relive your life with 20/20 hindsight and knowing then all the information that you know now, which is of course impossible. I do NOT mean it in sense that there was any different course of action available at the time. Just wanted to clarify that HUGE distinction, and apologize for the lack of clarity in my comment. The fallacy of the what if game (at least for me when I play it), is that I should have controlled the uncontrollable. Ugh, I’m going to stop writing and just hope you get my drift, which is meant to be supportive.
Trisha says:
No words, just tears! Here for you from across the map, listening and trying to carry some of your grief for you, if that’s even possible.
HUGS
Amanda says:
I think of Maddie often. Like others said, it’s nice to think of Maddie is visiting Annie in her dreams. Hugs.
Cynthia says:
Heather,
I am an insomniac as well, so I can’t even begin to imagine trying to get some gosh darn, much-needed sleep on top of the horror & heartbreak you and Mike must endure, trying to find a way to live without your Beautiful Maddie, aching for both of your girls to be able to grow up together physically with all of you as a family.
It is amazing that Annie literally calls out her sister’s name in her sleep! Yes, saw the pics and wondered, but with this, I would like to think that Maddie is right there with her Sis Annie and with all of you in your hearts, the best combination of Guardian Angel, beloved daughter and sister ever!
Again, Heather, I think this way only with the best of intentions, never trying to say or imply that this would/should take the place of, or at least soften the gut punch of not having your Maddie with you physically. I know there are truly no words or actions that can even begin to help you and my heart aches for you & your family that you have had to endure what must be sheer torture. I can only remind you that you are not alone. I (surely along with many others as well) am keeping you and your family in my prayers and thoughts and I am going to make a donation to Friends of Maddie right now, the only other way I can think of to showing my support tangibly (is that even a real word, or should USC refund my tuition from 20 years ago?).
Sending lots of hugs, love and good vibes your family’s way…
Tami says:
Im so sorry Heather.. Why is it that night time is always lonley and thats the time we we seem to grieve the most for our loved ones. My dad has been gone for 25 years and you know what is so sad , that I have only had a few dreams of him in the 25 years that he has been gone. I ache to fall asleep in hopes to dream about my dad becasue I miss him and want to see him so bad. I feel your pain in wanting to see and touch Maddie. Life is so unfair at times. My heart goes out to you, it really does.
Glenda says:
Thinking of you, Mike, Annie and the rest of your families during this difficult time.
xo
peace & strength
TonyaM says:
Prayers of peace and healing for you……
Jackie says:
I’m so sorry Heather, I wish that you could have your sweet girl back too.
Lisa says:
I want that dream for you, with all my heart. Love and hugs.
Lanie says:
I wish the dream was not impossible. Sending you hugs and peace.
Molly says:
It just sucks and it’s not fair and it doesn’t make any sense. I wish you peace and a warm blanket and fluffy clouds to gaze at during these hard, hard few weeks. I clicked through and saw pictures of Maddie in her yellow dress–I always think of her in that dress, even though I never met her. She is remembered.
Paula says:
I dreamed of my two (unborn) babies the other night. I never saw them or held them, they were both early losses. How much more of a grief for you and Mike, having held and loved Maddie for so long…and yet not nearly long enough. I think Maddie will be like a guardian angel for your Annie. Get some help with the insomnia though – you need the rest. A toddler is hard hard hard work when you are worn out.
Hugs
Megan@TrueDaughter says:
I’m sorry Heather…I often have dreams of those who have passed, it’s like they are coming for a visit. Perhaps that is precisely what is happening…Maddie decided to pay her baby sister a visit. When I have those dreams, when I wake up, I keep my eyes closed and just savor the closeness of the person I love who has passed. I will pray you find sleep, and Maddie in your dreams. Blessings and Love to you, Annie, Maddie and Mike.
Kirsten says:
Tears.
I like to think that maybe when Annie calls out in her sleep – that Maddie IS there….and slips her sweet little hand into Annie’s to calm her. A guardian angel.
Hugs and sleep to you!
Auntie_M says:
Oh sweetie. Sending love, hugs & support.
Alexandra says:
Thinking of you, Heather I wish there was something I could say or do. I wish there was something anyone could say or do.
Christy says:
Yes, we do.
Hugs,
Christy
Tricia says:
CRAP!! I was hoping you would tell me it gets easier! This is the one year anniversary of losing my eleven year old beloved Ailish and it is hell on wheels. I was hoping you would say something like the anniversary is coming and I’m ok. I can think about Maddie and not want to vomit knowing she is not here. I am waiting for the day with anticipation and dread. I want to think of Ailish and have all warm fuzzy memories (fuzzy as in sweet you know, not unclear ones as the word fuzzy might imply!) but yet I want her impact to still had the same punch as if she was still here. I worry if not having guttural reactions to her pictures and thoughts of her means she is slipping away from me. Oy vey! Grief is confusing, tiring and lonely even when you are surrounded by love. Thinking of you as you hit your angelversary. (I heard the term, trying it out, seeing if I like it )
Erin says:
In her dreams, Maddie is holding her hand.