Dear Maddie,
So here I am…three years after I last held you. Three years. It’s mind-blowing. You’ve been gone for more than twice as long as you were here.
Georgie and Meghan, your two buddies, are both fun, wonderful four year olds now. When I see them, I like to pretend I know what you’d be like. But really…I don’t know. Kids change so quickly, likes and dislikes are picked up and dropped daily. You’re never going to get a chance to form opinions, or have favorite things. Every day I realize new things you were robbed of.
The other day I wrote about my fear of forgetting you. I didn’t do a great job of articulating myself – I know I will never forget you. But I am forgetting the things that made you uniquely you. The way your breath felt on my skin, the weight of your body in my arms, your scent, the way your legs clung to my hip. These are things I can’t hold onto forever, no matter how hard I am trying. A picture or video can’t ever duplicate you in my arms. I’m never going to have that again, and my memory is failing me.
Your little sister is really obsessed with you right now. She asks to see your pictures and watch your videos constantly. It’s as if somehow she sensed that this week was significant, and she wanted to feel you. She wants to know you, in her special two-year-old way. She is endlessly entertained by you, and even imitates you in her favorite videos.
I have to tell you something, something I’ve carried with me since April 6th of 2009, something I’ve only told a few people. The day you arrived in the ER, there was someone wailing behind a curtain. I don’t know if the person he/she was there to see had passed away or what. But her wailing struck me in a way it never had before – I’d heard wailing like this in our NICU days, and it always left me sad. But this made me uneasy, and I was never able to shake the feeling. That was the first time EVER that I even considered something bad might happen to you. I’d always been afraid something bad might happen, but I naively assumed you’d always pull through. And then that night in the PICU I was so scared. I feel like part of me sort of knew, the whole time, that this was different. Even when I thought you were getting better, I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling. And I have so much doubt, and guilt, because what if it was my instincts telling me something, and I didn’t tell the doctors? I am so scared I failed you, Maddie. What if I did? Please, please forgive me.
Here I am, on the eve of another April 7th. Three years ago was the last night I held you close, sang you to sleep, kissed your warm lips. If I had known it would be the last night, I would have stayed awake all night, breathing you in. I feel like I should be better at this grief thing by now, but it seems to hurt more every year. I wish I knew what to write to make it different. I wish I knew what to say to bring you back. I know my love and tears would bring you back, if only they could.
I love you forever, Madeline Alice, my sweet girl. Please come see me in my dreams.
Love, Mommy
Karen says:
http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f77/teflonundies/maddiemoo.jpg
Thinking of you all.
J in eire says:
Wow, that’s beauiful Karen
Auntie_M says:
Lovely…
J in eire says:
Heather the love that Maddie was just wrapped up in is so evident, even her straight confident pose in your arms in that photo, she was loved she knew it, she felt it, she lived it. I am so very very sorry for your loss, there is no measure to grief, she’s your baby girl and every mother in the world can feel your love and loss of precious Maddie. She really is something special. Thinking of you, Mike and Annie through these rough days, and all the days, thank you for sharing Maddie.
Aubrey says:
I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. Something I could do to make your hurt stop. I wish I could bring your Maddiemoo back to you. My heart hurts for your family. I will be thinking of all of you today and tomorrow just as I do every day. I know there are no words or actions that can do that. So I will just keep your family in my heart this week. (((hugs))
Suzie says:
Thinking of you Heather, you’re always in my thoughts and I read here all the time but don’t often comment.
Thinking of you and Mike over the weekend and keep you in my prayers. Xx
Katrina @ They All Call Me Mom says:
Thinking of you on this heartbreaking 3rd anniversary.
((hugs))
Kelly says:
Sending you love and remembering your wonderful Madeline.
Lisa says:
Sending you, Mike & Annie love and strength & remembering your beautiful little girl.
LilianCali says:
Thinking of you during this sad time.
Hugs !!!
electricdaisy says:
The picture at the end is so gorgeous. Thinking of your family and the importance of Maddie, especially this week.
Nadinsche says:
You didn’t fail Maddie. Never ever. You und Mike are the best parents a child could ask for. I am hoping Maddie visits you in your dreams.
Ms. A says:
My grandson’s birthday is April 7th. While thanking the Lord for him, I will say a little prayer for Maddie and your family… a prayer for peace.
Kirsty says:
I never had the chance to meet Maddie, but your posts about her always make tears well up. My eldest daughter died before she was born, at almost 6 months, and although our stories are clearly different, I do understand your pain. Your post the other day touched me in particular – because my daughter never “lived” (not my choice of words…), only one person – my best friend in England – even seems to remember she existed. It breaks my heart, still, even now, almost 12 years later…
I’m thinking of you, and Mike and Annie (and Rigby…!) today, and sending you love and best wishes from a miserably cold and rainy south of France.
Leslie K says:
I cannot find words… You have my tears and my thoughts and my prayers.
Momma Lioness Michele says:
Heather, my thoughts are with you and your family. I remember your daughter everyday through the tributes you and Mike write for her. You are extraordinary parents. I truly believe Maddie is with you always and feels your constant love. I hope your family can feel the love being sent your way, this week and always.
Sarah @ { rad: renovations are dirty } says:
Thinking about you and your family this weekend. You never failed Maddie. Never.
Randi says:
There is no “getting better” with grief – it ebbs and flows like the tide. Don’t be ashamed to mire in it for awhile, Heather. You’re an amazing person, wonderful wife and amazing mother and you deserve time to grieve whenever your body feels necessary. As a good friend told me, “Wallow in it. Then, when it’s time to come out of your grief for a time, you can with a much lighter heart.” Thinking of you, Mike, Annie, and, of course, sweet Maddie.
mccgoods says:
Randi
You are the 2nd person to compare grief like the tide, thank you !
I think it gives people permission to feel saddness even when they think they shouldn’t. Sometimes I get so discouraged that I still get sad over my miscarriage but then I remember that phrase. I am glad there are people out there like you!
Nellie says:
Heartbreakingly beautiful. Sending lots of love, prayers and solace your way.
I don’t know you but every year in April and November I think of you and your family and am drawn inexplicably to all things purple whether it be for myself or on my daughter.
The pain and saddness are so deep and so hard and I just hope you know that we are all here for you to lift you up in any way we possibly can.
Nancy says:
I think of Maddie often and she and you will definitely be in my thoughts throughout today. Failed Maddie? No way, you did everything possible for her.
Shelby says:
xo
Vicky says:
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family through these most difficult days. I wish there was a way to ease your pain.
Vicky says:
You never failed her.
carrielu says:
Another reader that has never met you, but has been so profoundly affected by your story. Strength, love, and peace to you, Heather and Mike. Maddie’s story will never be forgotten, she makes me want to be a better Mom to my boys.
J+1 says:
You never, ever, ever failed Maddie. Hang on to that, and the love you have for her, and your family.
Ann says:
I read your blog daily and every day I am inspired and amazed by your strength and ability to share your emotions. My heart is especially heavy for you and your family around this “anniversary”. Stay strong and hold tight to those memories.
Wendy says:
Thinking of you and your family this week.
mel says:
always in my thoughts, heather. all of you.
Amy says:
Still thinking about you and your family, especially this week.
nicol says:
I agree, you didn’t fail her. I am so so sorry. Thinking of you all this week and EVERY week. Much love to you and yours.
Emily says:
Sending you love and prayers always, especially this weekend.
Megan says:
You’re a beautiful writer, Heather. I’m crying and hurting for you, wishing I could take your pain away. She is so unbelievably beautiful. It makes no sense that she’s not here.
angela says:
I am thinking and praying for you this week. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it is for your family and I won’t even pretend to know.
You have so much love pouring in this week from us who have followed along the entire journey, grab onto it tight, hold that love it, use it as your crutch when you can’t stand.
Kyle says:
Thinking of you all and your sweet, beautiful Maddie.
Monica says:
I’ve been following your blog since 2009. I love your writing and your videos. I’ve even had you and Mike in my dreams!! (Must be the videos You’ve touched and inspired me in so many ways.
My heart breaks for you both. Big “Squeeeeezy” Hugs (as my daughters call them) to you~
TonyaM says:
Sending up prayers for healing and peace for your sweet family.
Kate says:
Thinking of all the incredible Spohrs today. We miss you Maddie. Even those of us that have only known you through the unending love of your parents.
kristen says:
This is just a quick note to tell you that I am thinking of your family today.
Dawn @What's Around the Next Bend? says:
Heather, I have a little girl in my class this year named Maddy. She looks SOO much like your daughter. Every morning when I see her, I think of you and your family.
My heart and prayers are especially with you this weekend.
Lisa says:
Thinking about you and surrounding you with love and peace this weekend (and always). I’ll be remembering your sweet Maddie tomorrow and my whole family will be sporting purple in her honor. Love and hugs to all of you.
Kelly says:
Always thinking of all of you and your sweet Maddie.
Krissa says:
I hope she visits you in your dreams. I hope that for you so much.
Trisha says:
I hope she visits you in your dreams tonight. Sending you much love and strength in these coming days and please remember you did not fail Maddie; that hurt my heart to read so I can only imagine how hard it was for you to write.
You are such a champion for your girls and a wonderful Mom and part of grief is always wondering if there is something you could have done different to change what happened. It’s the worlds’ cruel way of making us feel even worse if that’s possible when we lose someone we love.
I’ve seen my Mom live it for the past 7 years that if she would have just told my Dad he could stay home from work like she almost did, he’d still be here today. It sucks to see her beat herself up and it sucks to see you beat yourself up too.
I wish things were different and you still had your Maddie here with you.
Always thinking of you guys and we will light a candle tomorrow for Maddie and will be thinking if you all. Much love from Florida!
Sylvie says:
Thinking of you all, I wish Maddie were still here with us.
Susan says:
Thinking of all of you today (like everyday, but especially today).
Thank you for sharing this sweet, beautiful girl with us.
Melissa says:
You did not fail Maddie. You were her wonderful parents for her way too short stay here with you. She will always be with you in your heart. And I know it breaks your heart that you cant hold her in your arms. I hope she comes to see you in your dreams too.
sister sister says:
I can only say I understand on a level of someone who has never lost a child, but who is scared to death of that possibility. I wish I knew what to say to you, and others, who are in this position. I don’t know you personally, but I do think of you. I do still look back on your pictures of Maddie from time to time because I read that you want someone to remember her as you do, and to think of her. It’s all I know to do. Please know that during this week there will be someone across the country in Fl. thinking of you and your family, and your sweet Maddie.
Pattie says:
Sending you and your family so much love this weekend …
connie says:
i never met her, but through your words i remember her. I am so sorry.
Mary says:
I’m wearing purple today and I will wear it tomorrow.
xoxo
Natalie says:
Love to the Spohr family. I think of you & Maddie often.
Lora says:
Prayers for your hearts. We can’t even imagine.
Mary says:
Thinking of you this week-end. Sending prayers your way…
kakali says:
Heather and Mike,
Every time you write about Maddie I cry a lot! Your pain is unbearable. I can relate your pain because I lost my dad fifteen years ago and I was very young that time and I constantly think what happens the night before. I also wish to stay awake whole night or talk to him about the days when my dad was little. I remember he loved to talk about his childhood days all the time. He died in his sleep, very painful. He had cancer but the night before he was fine like other days but in the morning everything is finished. Maddie is very fortunate to have both of you as her parents. You did so much for her and still you are giving her endless love. How many kids have the opportunity to get so much love and care? She is with you always, only you can’t see,hear or touch her.There are some accidents happen without any explanation. You did every possible thing for Maddie but you also knew her lungs were not very strong and it was not anybody’s fault. Please don’t feel guilty. You both are very special parents to your children and we love your family.
Jamie says:
You did every single thing you could for Maddie, Heather. Please don’t let yourself be plagued by doubts. I know that’s easy for me to say, but don’t.
You and Mike did everything you could to give Maddie her best chance. Believe that because it’s the absolute truth.
Jackie says:
Thinking of you, Mike and Annie during this tough time of the year (and the rest of the year too). I think it is wonderful that you talk about Maddie so regularly…THAT keeps her memory alive. Your love for her grows even through the sadness.
red pen mama says:
Oh, dear. My thoughts are with you and your lovely family. I completely understand way too much about this post — something I could have done different, the feeling that I would have been more present. Sending hugs and good thoughts. The heart does take time to heal. Lots and lots of it.
Marnie* says:
Sending all my thoughts to you and your family.
Skye says:
You have a beautiful way with words, Heather. You couldn’t have done more, of course, but the what-ifs must be so hard. I’m so, so sorry. Like so many people, I am thinking of your family even more than usual this week. Maddie is so very loved.
Jenny says:
Sending comforting thoughts your way during this rough time of year for you and your entire family. There’s a whole community helping keep Maddie’s memory alive and here to support the entire Spohr family.
Another Casey says:
You are in my heart and on my mind, today and everyday.
Nikki says:
Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers today, and every day.
XOXO from GA.
Jenn says:
Nothing but love to your family Heather.
I read your blog every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I know that I don’t know you. But Maddie matters. She matters so much to so many people all throughout the world.
Nothing but love.
Rachel says:
I am so sorry. I think of you and Maddie often. I truly believe that Maddie’s spirit is still with you. It almost seems terrible to say this to you because I know how your physical arms ache for her, but I believe that she is still there, loving you and being loved right back.
Lydia says:
I hate tears at work but I couldn’t hold them back this time. I’ve been thinking about and praying for you & Mike all week. My parents lost a daughter and my sister lost a daughter and while I grieved and still grieve terribly for my sister and my niece, I know it doesn’t come close to what a parent goes through. Watching my parents and my sister and brother in law helps me at least imagine what you and Mike experience. I do know that I don’t really know, however, if that makes sense.
You never failed Maddie. Never. She knows that, too.
Lisa says:
I hear you questioning yourself. Please please don’t. You did not fail Maddie at all. I hope you find peace in that. Not in losing her but in yourself. I hope that makes sense.
Glenda says:
You didn’t fail Maddie!
Thinking of you during this difficult weekend!
XO
Mommy says:
There is no way you could have failed that precious little girl. Not ever. You were an amazing mommy to her and you still are. You keep her memory alive, you enable her to make such a difference in the world and you make sure she will never be forgotten. Your Maddie has touched so many hearts and lives. We are all better for knowing her and her family. Thank you for sharing Maddie with us!
So much love being sent to you all this weekend, and always. I am praying that you see your Maddie Moo tonight in your dreams.
xoxo
mccgoods says:
What else can I say besides I am thinking of you
Nancy at Spinning My Plates says:
Sending warm and comforting thoughts and hugs your way. Her short life touched so many.
tara says:
sending you love and hugs through this awful time. i haven’t commented in a while but i read your blog every day and think of you all every day. every day. i am still a stranger to you, but your lives – maddie’s life – matters to me. in NO way shape or form did you fail anyone. you loved your child more than anything and that is the best gift you can give your children. xoxo
Michelle says:
Hugs to you, Mike and Annie!
I think of you often…..and I know words don’t bring sweet Maddie back but I hope they bring you some sort of comfort.
Love,
Michelle – Herculaneum, MO
Kirsten says:
Tears. I’m so praying for your family right now – you articulate yourself so well. I try and imagine how you feel, but I know my imagination can’t even touch how it REALLY feels. I’m so sorry…you have to endure that pain. I hope Maddie really does come see you in your dreams and helps you feel at peace.
Jessica Ortega says:
Though I never new Maddie she has touched my heart in so many ways. Maddie will forever live in my heart. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Alyssa says:
You didn’t fail Maddie, but even as many times as people say this you still might feel that way. It’s hard because those stupid “what if’s and I should have’s” get in the way and make us think that maybe, just maybe it would/could have changed what happened and it sucks to feel that. I look at those pictures and videos of that sweet, smiley baby and I can tell that you didn’t fail. Her face tells a story of how much she is loved by you and your family and the amount of love you all showed her is so very far from failing. While I can never pretend to know the pain of losing a child, I can understand the pain of “forgetting” a loved one. Not remembering how a person smelled or felt against your body, (to me) is almost like loosing them all over again and if I knew how to make the forgetting stop I would tell you both in an instant. My thoughts, prayers and love go out to you, Mike, Annie and the rest of the family, more then ever this week.
Leah says:
Praying for you and your family. My heart hurts for your loss. She is a beautful precious girl. You never failed her.
Catherine Vu says:
*hugz* *hugz* *hugz*
ldoo says:
My heart aches for you. I wouldn’t wish this kind of pain and guilt on my worst enemy. I’m so sorry your Maddie was taken from you. She was a precious child who had the love of her family. That’s all she could have ever needed, and you gave it to her. You still do, every day. My heart is with you during this especially difficult time. I will think of Maddie tomorrow as I kiss my sweet girls and remember to never take a moment for granted.
Tamela says:
You, Mike and your family are my thoughts.
LIbby says:
Thinking of you all. Maddie matters to me too and I think of her often. I’m thinking of you during this painful weekend. Take care.
Courtney says:
You and your family are in my thoughts, I know this is a difficult time for you. Maddie has touched so many lives, mine included. She will never truly be gone as long as her spirit is carried on. Sending you virtual hugs.
Jackie says:
Sending love, support and prayers your way today and every day. Tomorrow my children and I will be planting some purple flowers for Maddie.
Karen says:
I am a stranger to you. And yet I cry today for you. But I also smile and am thankful for the all too short time you had with your precious daughter. Please know she has touched so many.
LT says:
I am not sure that hearts of bereaved parents ever heal. I have guilt about my sons’ deaths too perhaps – I wish that neither of us had to live with guilt in addition to everything else.
I hope that Maddie visits you in your dreams. Sending you all hugs and peace. Take care.
Brooke says:
Much love to you all this weekend.
Cathy K. says:
Thinking of you and sending hugs and prayers this anniversary.
Jeanne says:
I’m just sending prayers for you and your family in this hard time. I know that it doesn’t compare but I’ve had some of the same sensations and worries about losing my mother. I try to remind myself that I did the best I could at the time, and that’s really all we can do. Love and peace to you all.
Jana (@jana0926) says:
Oh how I feel your pain in your words. YOu didn’t fail her. If anything, I think you’ve probably made her proud of the way you used her way-too-short life to help others. I choose to feel that way about my Charlie.
I hope you’ll take a second and read this post I wrote last week about Henry being visited by Charlie. I pray that Annie has the same type of experiences and knows her sister the way Henry “knows” Charlie.
http://janasthinkingplace.com/2012/03/brotherly-love/
Sending love to your family this weekend. May Maddie visit you in your dreams and wrap her tiny arms around you and Mike and Annie.
Stephanie says:
I don’t have the words to formulate an appropriate response to this, so I will just say that I am so so sorry. You are all in my thoughts. Maddie is missed by so many. I’ve never met you or your sweet girls, and yet your stories have had such an effect on my life. Sending you all hugs and good thoughts during this horrible time.
suzanne says:
When you say that you worry about whether you failed Maddie, I take it to mean that somehow, even though you rushed her to the doctor and then rushed her to the hospital and begged, pleaded and advocated for her, you worry that maybe you could have done something differently.
When I lost a pregnancy last year after years of trying, I got a taste of grief that is in no way, shape or form comparable to yours, but man it hurt. I then learned the loss was due to a very treatable medical condition, and felt angry at myself for not recognizing the symptoms and asking more questions. I’m slowly grasping that all the things I “could” have done were only doable in hindsight, but sometimes I still play the what-if game.
There’s not much I can say here that you don’t, on some level, already know. But I’ll say it anyway: you didn’t fail her. That’s just a true fact, although it may be hard to convince your grieving heart.
She had your love, and she reflected it back to the world with her beautiful smile. Maddie smiled with her eyes, ya know? I love it when people smile with their eyes. I obviously never met her, but it’s right there in all the pictures. That kid was so, so loved and cared for. Thinking of you guys, and of Madeline.
giselle says:
That was beautiful and, as usua,l brought me to tears. I hope in your heart you know that you didn’t fail her. You love her with everything you have and no one could ever ask for more.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] says:
So much love to you guys.
Pgoodness says:
Never failed, my friend. Never. Sending so much love and hugs to you guys!
ZPAwoman says:
Past few posts have brought me to tears. I have been reading your blog for years & when I found out Maddie had passed I was shocked & saddend. I just wanted to let you know that you, Mike & Annie are in my thoughts & prayers, especially now.
Lynn says:
What an anguishing post. Please don’t beat yourself up. We cannot ever truly know the moment when another person will leave us. I lost my Dad somewhat suddenly last summer; my last (phone) interaction with him was a difficult one…and my first thought when I heard he died was ‘it’s my fault’. And, ‘I should have seen then certain signs that should have made me understand i was going to lose him.’ But it is really impossible to know, and only possible in hindsight, when we can do no more. So please, be at peace about this.
I’ll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers this weekend.
Becca says:
I just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you – all 4 of you.
Meg...ct says:
xoxo
anca says:
Thinking of you guys!
Rita says:
Thinking if you all today.
Lori says:
Thinking of you and your family on this sad three yr. anniversary. Your strength is amazing. I hope you are surrounded by loving friends and family this weekend.
Mary Ann says:
I hope she visits you in your dreams too. Don’t beat yourself up with those if only’s… You are a wonderful Mom, Mike is a wonderful Dad, Maddie was blessed to have you in her life. You can see how happy, carefree, and loved she was in her videos. I wish things could be different and that people we love would never leave us, it isn’t fair. Just know that there is no time limit on greif – I learned that on Dec 29, 2004 at 3:41 pm – and I still feel it every single day . Wishing you peace and sending hugs at this difficult time. Hold each other close and know that you are loved by many.
Sherry says:
My heart swelled up reading this, I simply have no words of comfort that everyone else hasn’t already said to you. If only Maddie could write you a letter telling you that she’s missing you like mad too, and that she’s ok wherever she is (I like to believe she’s in heaven, being patient until she gets to cling her lil’ legs to your hips again and let you ).
Much much love to the entire Spohr family,
Sherry from KS
Sherry says:
**let you feel her sweet breath on your skin again** (somehow left that out of my comment).
Holly says:
You break my heart. Sometimes, when I visit your site, I think, “this is too sad. Too hard.” But then I think that if you have to live it, the least I can do is witness it. I hope it helps. And thank you for sharing. You’ve changed the way I see the world.
Marta says:
Oh Heather, I am so eternally sorry for the immense sadness that follows you. For the terrible tragedy of Maddie. I am sorry for all the could have, should have, would have, didn’t have. There are no words I could say, there is no way I could understand. But I am so sorry and thinking of you and your family.
Becky Mochaface says:
Heather, Mike and Annie…
I am so sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you always are this time of year.
Tiffany says:
Hi Heather,
I started following your journey when my daughter was growing. She is three now (Nov. ) Your loss is so profound. Maddie is an importnt part of my life and of so many around you and her! Please know that my deepest thoughts go put to you in this very difficult time.
Tiffany says:
Out not put
aubrey says:
You must have had a keyboard filled with tears as you wrote that.
Alex says:
I have been trying all day since I read your post of what I could right. But as you know all too well there is nothing I can say, do, think, pray or feel that will take your pain away and help heal your heart. I am so so sorry and wish there was something I could do. I have been reading your website for about the past 4 months but quickly started to adore your girls. I also adore they way you parent and love and treasure every moment you have with them. I had a great childhood and I know my parents would do anything for me but the words, thoughts, picture and videos you share and take the time to record are so special and wonderful.
I am in the midst of my first year of law school right now (I know- what the heck do we have in common!)..25..unmarried…but your family helps me dream of my future. I know how silly that sounds, you have been through such tragedy, yet the love is so evident and your strength and pure will to continue is inspirational. Yes your heart needs time to heal, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t putting patches of strength on my heart everyday for the future when I may need it. When we all hit the deepest lows that life throws are ways and need to remember our strength, and the love and life that is in front of us. But, your strength in admitting that the past will not fade, be forgotten or blur…is also inspirational. People want to hear that you are okay, that you have continued on, are doing well. Well, F*&! that. Your ability to say how you feel, and what you need demonstrates your strength and commitment to your family. It is easy to say “I’m okay” it isn’t easy to say “I still need you some”..it is against our nature and I think that may be why people have faded as the years since Maddies passing continue. It is simply lack of strength to face it that it isn’t a year passed..it is a year missing.
I hope you find comfort knowing that Maddie is thought of often and that your strength, and everlasting love is so present and real to those who don’t even know you.
I am not religious, but I do think that everlasting love has a place–it just has to. There is no way that my loved ones that i think of every day and Maddie could not know how we feel for them, for if that was the case the pain, hurt, and focus we feel everyday when we think of them wouldn’t be so profound, so necessary and vital.
I am not trying to say I understand your pain in any way shape or form b/c I don’t- no one, even those that have lost a child will understand your loss. Again, After all these paragraphs I am left wishing and aching to say something to make the pain ease..but nothing will. So Goodnight- and my thoughts and my actions in loving those that are here and have passed are with you and your family.
Nicole Singleton says:
I know I don’t know you IRL, but my heart breaks for you and you’re in my thoughts tonight and this weekend.
Tricia says:
Not too many words – just tears, for you and your beautiful girl. She couldn't have better parents. Love from all of us. x0x0x
Megan says:
I’ve followed your blog for years…since before that fateful April 7th. Please know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I think of Maddie (& Annie) daily. I admire your strength & courage. Please know that her life has impacted mine & feel comfort during this difficult time.
Emily in NY says:
Just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you and Mike, especially today. Maddie’s story has touched my life… Sending out thoughts of strength, hope, and love.
Nicole says:
I am thinking of you, Maddie and your amazing, loving family. xoxo
Mumtaz says:
Thinking of you all this weekend and sending you much love and strength. I think of your sweet Maddie often and her beautiful, contagious, smile and Mika’s face lighting up when she first smiled at him. xxoo
Mandy says:
I’ve been reading your blog for 4 years now and Maddie still feels present in some ways. As a mother who has also lost a child (October 29, 2008), I know some of your heartache.
Thinking of you, Mike and your family.
Auntie_M says:
Weeping for and with you. One thought jumps to mind: you didn’t fail her. You couldn’t. Love like yours never fails. And Maddie was/is loved beyond belief.
Thinking of you & Mike, of Annie & Rigby, of your extended family tonight and tomorrow and through the coming week with all the other “anniversaries” no parent should have to observe.
And thinking of Maddie~those bright eyes and beautiful smile that warm so many hearts still.
~Mary
Kristin says:
Abiding with you and wishing I could take away just a little bit of your pain.
You did not fail your beautiful girl. I don’t know anyone who would ever say that.
Michelle says:
Heather,
I am think you and your family.
Amanda says:
I think of Maddie and your family often. It still breaks my heart I never met her and you. Instead I drove to say good bye to her and meet you.
leslie says:
hugs
Courtney says:
I am thinking of you and your sweet Maddie. She is never forgotten.
Kelly says:
I.. ache for you Heather. I just can’t even imagine what each day is like for you and Mike. ((hugs))
evsmarie says:
Thinking of you all today.
Molly says:
Thinking of you guys and sweet Maddie Moo all day today.
TonyaM says:
Thoughts and prayers today and always…..
Krissy says:
Not a day goes by without me thinking of you and your girls. Their lives and story has touched so many. Thinking of you even more today and sending hugs.
Abby Leviss says:
Dear Mike and Heather,
I woke up thinking about beautiful Maddie today. I have been up for an hour hoping that you are finding the strength to get through this day without breaking entirely. I have felt how much this third anniversary hurts you both. It probably feels like a whole lifetime since you last felt her. I wanted to let you know how much your little girl has touched my life. How precious of a gift you have given us by inviting us into your lives with her. I, too, have lost a child..more recently than you. Your words help me daily. I also wanted to mention my favorite Maddie video (Annie isn’t the only one who has got one!). It is embedded in a post about how she didn’t like to nap…because she didn’t want to miss anything. She is drinking that bottle and falling asleep and then waking up and sucking on the bottle only to fall back asleep again. It is the most adorable thing I have ever seen. So indicative of the little personality (or should I say HUGE personality) that you guys describe. I am thinking about Maddie today.
Love to you both,
Abby
ldoo says:
Thinking of you all today. May you have peace in your hearts knowing what wonderful, loving parents you were to your dear Maddie.
Tammy C says:
Love and hugs from Berkeley today and always. xo
Dianne says:
You all are in my thoughts and prayers today. Sending you lots of love.
RzDrms says:
Every day that you see my IP show up in your web stats, know that I came by first and foremost to see if you wrote about Maddie. I miss her and think of her every day; I even stop by on Sundays.
Michell DuBose says:
Today I wear purple in honor of your precious daughter that was taken from you way too soon. Thinking of your beautiful Maddie today and know that you did not fail her.
Denise says:
Heather, you are an amazing woman. Sending love from Colorado.
Lesley says:
Maddie, Annie, you and Mike, and your extended family are all in my thoughts today. I wish you all a peaceful day, and pride for your two beautiful daughters.
-Lesley
anymommy says:
We all love her Heather, and we all love you. Holding you in my thoughts today.
Lisa says:
Thinking of you today. Wearing purple, and sending all the love and cyber hugs I possess. Maddie matters to me.
chrissi says:
So much love being sent your way..
As a Momma who has lived this journey of grief — my heart is with you..today and every day.
Melli says:
Been thinking of you guys since last night. Don’t know what to say. Just know my heart hearts for you. Hugs from NYC.
Liz says:
Thinking of you today on this sad anniversary.
Deborah says:
Heather, I thought about you and Mike and Maddie last night as I went to sleep, and I said a little prayer for all of you. I hope you can find a few moments of peace today.
Love,
Deborah
NatalieJanette says:
xoxoxo
Madi says:
I wish there was something that I could do or say to make this better for you.
I lost my beloved dog 2 days after Maddie passed away — 4-9-2009. It’s so crazy how quickly time has passed. And like you, I’m starting to forget those little qualities that made Charlie unique — his smell, the way his fur felt when I kissed his forehead and so on. I miss him every day and he was a dog — not my child (though we sure treated him as such! LOL) I know you must be feeling grief that’s magnified many, many times what I’m feeling. And that just plain sucks.
I don’t know whether this would help or hurt, but there are artists out there who do age progression photo work. They use photos of the person, and the person’s siblings, parents, etc. to create a photo of what the person would look like at an older age.
My sister passed away before I was born; my mom had three of these done (at 3 different ages) and she just treasures them. I know it has helped her a lot.
We used this guy; he currently charges $99:
http://www.phojoe.com/forensic_compositing.html
Perhaps it would hurt more than it would help. I think it depends on the individual and where you are in the grieving process. But I just wanted to mention this, just in case you would enjoy this.
Best,
Madi
Zoe says:
Nothing can make you feel better, but I hope it helps at least a bit that there are so many people thinking of you today. This isn’t the only day out of the year that I think of you and your Maddie; there are many days when I read your posts about her and cry, or see something that reminds me of her. But of course, this day is different. This is an incredibly difficult day for you and yours, and that’s why I’m clumsily trying to commit my thoughts and actions into writing, and posting it here. I wanted you to know that I haven’t forgotten her, that even three years down the line, your story still breaks my heart every day.
Today, I will look over pictures and videos of her that you have posted. I will try to capture the essence of her laugh, her smile, her beautiful eyes. I will grieve with you, in some small way. I will remember your beautiful Maddie, and I will think of you, Mike, and Annie, and hope that the storm clouds will grow lighter tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day. Your pain may be eternal, but I can still hope that it will become less all-consuming as this terrible day becomes another thing of the past.
Norma says:
Your beautiful, precious Maddie is in my heart and prayers today and always.
Lauren says:
I’ve been thinking of you, Mike and Maddie over the last few days – today, especially. And I am wearing purple today in her honor.
Alison B says:
Oh, this broke my heart. I understand your fears Momma, I don’t ever want to forget the things that make my little baby uniquely him.
Katherine says:
My heart is breaking for you as I think of you and your family at this very difficult time.
–Someone you don’t know whom you’ve touched far away
jen says:
Thinking of you and your family today.
Lindsay from Boston says:
Thinking often of the Spohr family during this most difficult of weekends. I don’t pretend to know the pain, but I send love to Heather, Mike, Annie, Rigby, and to both extended families. I’m wearing purple today in Maddie’s honor and remembering her smile, her laugh, and all the good that has been done and will continue to be done in her name. She has touched so, so many lives, including mine. Thank you for sharing your daughter with us.
Susan says:
Read daily; never comment. But want you to know that I am thinking of you today.
Jen says:
Thinking of you all today.
Tracy says:
Thinking of you all today & holding you in our hearts.
Heather says:
I’ve been thinking of you guys today, and holding my own girl a little closer.
Kristen says:
I started the day with Maddie’s radiant smile on my mind. You are always in my thoughts. I hope you have a peaceful day.
Love from NC
Jess says:
Thinking of you guys today.
PAULA says:
I always read your blog, but almost never comment. I just wanted you to know that a lot of people are thinking of you all today, and remembering Maddie.
Love from Brazil.
Karen says:
Not sure what to say, but wanted to let you know another one of your readers is thinking of you. Maddie made a difference to a lot of people, including me, thru your blog alone as well as in so many other ways. She’s missed.
Amy says:
Thinking of you and your family today and everyday.
ST says:
I read your blog almost every day and I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you and your family today, Heather. Maddie won’t ever be forgotten because you won’t let her be.
Caroline says:
Thinking of you all today!!! Lots and lots of love. I taught my son, Henry, who shares Maddie’s Birthday, how to say Wooooooooow today. I thought of your sweet Maddie and those videos of her often, prayed for you over and over. Hugs!!!
Monica says:
My thoughts have been with you all today!! I can’t even begin to imagine how hard today and everyday must be for you and your family? xoxo
Shelley says:
Every time I had to write down the date today at work, my heart gave a little “pang” for you and Mike.
Thinking of you in Saskatchewan
Carrie says:
Sending extra prayers up for you all today.
mary c says:
Oh Heather, Don’t we as parents doubt what we have done, are going to do and what we haven’t done? Your babies turned out perfect. Don’t doubt yourself for a second, You are the best mom they could ask for! Don’t forget that, even on a day like this. Your a strong mama! Lots of hugs with love to you and yours.
Liz says:
That feeling of dread you wrote about – I’ve had that feeling before. I’m an internal medicine physician and when I’m taking care of patients in the ICU I have had that feeling several times. It felt like there was something I couldn’t put my finger on – I couldn’t see it on the X-rays or the lab tests or the vital signs – the consultants and subspecialists couldn’t tell me either. It was a nagging doubt, the feeling that I had missed something, and it has kept me up at night. I’ve even dreamed about my sickest patients. In a few cases they died, and I felt like my horrible premonition had come true. It was awful because I KNEW THEY WERE SICK and I was supposed to fix them! I have millions of dollars of machines, labs tests, expert specialists at my fingertips in the ICU and it didn’t matter. I guess I’m telling you this to try to reassure you that you did everything in your power to help your daughter. And I bet the doctors and nurses did too. Sometimes the universe is a sick place and terrible things happen to wonderful people. I’m not religious or even spiritual…but I can’t explain this “feeling” I’ve had in the ICU, and I wonder if it’s the same “feeling” you wrote about. I’ve had patients tell me they have a feeling of doom as well…and they were right.
I hope you and your family find some peace this week.
Kim says:
Heather and family,
You’re in my thoughts and prayers today! I wish there were something I could say to ease the hurt even a little bit. Just know that Maddie will always be remembered and loved.
Many hugs xoxo
Kim
michele wallace says:
Thinking of you guys, I am sure these past few days or weeks have been extremely hard. (((Hugs))) to you.
Love,
Michele Wallace
Colleen says:
You did not fail her.
I’m thinking of you guys today.
Krista says:
Thinking of you and your family today. Many hugs and sending strength from the East Coast.
Stacey says:
I am thinking of you, your family, and your Maddie today.
Janette says:
Thank you so, so much for sharing Maddie with us. She was so beautiful and sweet, but of course you don’t need me to tell you that. I am thinking of you and your babies today. I’ll also send you imaginary computer hugs. Take care.
Meg says:
Sending love to you all.
Lissa says:
I am thinking about Maddie today and her amazing family and hundreds of friends in spirit throughout the world.
And I will think about you tomorrow and next week and month and year.
We love you all as if you were our own.
Kayla says:
We love you Maddie.
We miss you Maddie.
Love and peace to the Spohr family, always, and especially today.
m says:
Heather & Mike,
If your losing Maddie (someone I’ve never met) feels like a nightmare to me, I can only imagine what it feels like to you. You are the most wonderful parents. You gave her the best life. She was the happiest child because of you.
A million hugs and prayers.
Stacy in the MN says:
Oh Heather, you never failed Maddie. She was so loved and it’s obvious by the happiness on her face in the beautiful pictures that she knew she was loved. Continuing to think of you, Mike, Maddie and Annie…
Jane says:
I wish Maddie were still here.
Joanna says:
Thinking of you all year long and especially now. I’m so sorry that you have to live without your precious, funny, beautiful daughter.
Staci says:
Praying for a peace that transcends all understanding today and every day for you and your family. Just like the title of your post states, “The heart takes time to heal.” There are no restrictions on just how long and sometimes, its not about healing but changing to account for what’s been lost.
oana79 says:
Oh, my heart went still when I read this. Very still as if it couldn’t comprehend how another heart could hold so much grief in. I can express what I feel and saying sorry your baby isn’t here anymore seems so little…I pray your grief will one day pass. Hugs from my heart.
sherri says:
Thinking of your whole family, Heather. Hugs!
NYCrystal says:
I’ll be keeping you and your family in my prayers. (((HUGS)))
kp says:
hi heather, mike & annie,
i’m a frequent reader (though an infrequent commenter), but I wanted to leave my note of love and support on the day after what was a difficult day for your family. please know that people all over the country and world, those you know and those who only know your story, join in mourning your sweet maddie and her short but important life. we’ve learned how to be better parents, children, partners, siblings and friends. we’ve take life more and less seriously and tried to live every day to the fullest. we think of maddie when we see purple things, or hear a commercial for the march of dimes. and always, but these days especially, we are sending you our love.
kp
new york
Mrs. Wilson says:
She was so perfectly beautiful. I thought of you guys yesterday, even though I do not know you. I saw April 7th on the bottom of my computer screen and knew it was a significant, devastating day. Thinking of you as you mourn your little girl.
Noelle says:
Even though I have your site bookmarked, I almost always type in remembermaddie.com to get to your blog. I always will.
Sending prayers of support and love your way to help you bear these very difficult days.
Susan A says:
Hi Heather-
I’m sorry. Truly, deeply. If I could, I would bring Maddie back to your family. Please don’t feel guilty. YOU are not at fault here. You were the BEST mother you could be at that moment and always. You couldn’t have changed this outcome. Don’t play that game. Please don’t beat yourself up. Sending you and yours much love and hugs this day and always.
Mermanda says:
Heather, I’ve been thinking of you, as I do each spring. I am sending you love and prayers.
Mommy Boots says:
Your writing has always touched my heart and soul in such a raw, powerful way. I admire you so much for sharing such personal, painful things here for everyone to see. Your Annie reminds me so much of my Nellie, so in a strange way I feel connected to you and your family (totally not in a stalker way, promise) and my soul aches for the pain you are feeling right now – the pain you carry with you always. I think about you guys often. Sending you love and hugs and hopes for as much peace as can be found right now.
Meyli says:
Here in New England, just a couple weeks ago the flowers began to bloom. There are gorgeous tiny purple flowers, and big bushes full of them, almost everywhere I look. All the flowers and sunshine remind me of Maddie and all the stories of her you’ve shared.
Spring is here – it makes me happy (and yet so sad) to think about her when I see the new life.
lia dominique andress says:
i’m a complete stranger who happened upon your blog by chance, maybe not chance at all though. i’ve read several of your posts to dear maddie and i feel the weight of your words. they are raw. the smile and joy in your eyes carrying her. i’m deeply sorry. i’ve got a daughter of my own. what you write matters. as a mother, it matters.