This last weekend Mike, my parents, and I drove up to San Francisco. Saturday was a big day for my Jackie!.
For those of you that are new here, Jackie! is one of my best friends in the world. Last June 23, she was diagnosed with a brain tumor on her frontal lobe. She had brain surgery to remove most of it. The tests came back as an aggressive stage three. She’s undergone radiation and now has a week of chemo every month…somewhat indefinitely.
Yeah, Jackie! and I “joke” all the time about how she, Mike, and I won the “worst things that could ever happen to you” lottery.
Right after she was diagnosed, Jackie! named her tumor “Turk The Jerk.”
On Saturday, my family and I joined over 80 other Jackie! lovers to participate in the Bay Area Brain Tumor Walk.
Our team name? “Turk is Toast.” Jackie! and her dad made toast-shaped head gear for all to wear.
I wore the head-bobbers, Mike wore the big toast, and the little toast…it was for Maddie. You see, Maddie, Mike and I had been planning to attend the walk, and then Maddie and I were going to stay in the city a few extra days to hang with Jackie!.
Maddie was supposed to be there. She was supposed to grab the toast hat off her head and throw it to the ground, making me pick it up over and over again. She was supposed to be in her stroller, or in a baby bjorn, or passed from person to person. She was supposed to be taking a few of her own steps in the walk. She was supposed to take her second airplane flight. She was supposed to be exploring San Francisco with me right now.
Her toast hat is so little. I couldn’t wear it on my head, so I tied the purple ribbon Jackie! gave me around me neck, and I wore her hat like a necklace.
The walk went great. A ton of money was earned in Jackie!’s name. “Turk is Toast” won the team spirit award.
Maddie would have been the most spirited one out there. She’s supposed to be here.
Louise says:
If God had a wallet, your picture would be in there for your courage and bravery. Like most people leaving comments, there are no words to help you. I ran across your blog and read it every day. Your strength amazes us all.
Krissa says:
I am so, so sorry that Maddie didn’t get to wear her little toast hat. … My heartfelt thoughts are with you, your family and your wonderful friends. Hugs and love to you all.
Katie says:
My heart continues to break for you all. I am so sorry that Maddie wasn’t able to be there with you and wear her toast hat. Everyone there would have fallen in absolute love with her. Continuing to think of you all daily.
Kelly says:
My heart breaks for you every time I read your blog Heather. The pain & suffering you have is unimaginable. If each of us could take a part of it we would, but yet it probably wouldn’t do anything to diminish the fact that the light of your life is gone.
Praying & thinking of you,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..I wonded!
Amy says:
I found your blog after reading Matt Logelin’s. I have read it everyday and I am amazed by your strength, courage, openness and honesty! From reading your blog, I have learned to cherish every moment with my children and family. Your daughter has a spirit that is living on in you!
Megan says:
She is supposed to be here.
JRo in NYC says:
You are right. She is supposed to be here. I get so angry at how unfair this is for you and Mike. I don’t know what else to say except I am so sorry that you are facing this unimaginable sadness. When I had a few people in my life pass away in a short time period – I always felt bad telling people how I felt, I didn’t want to make them sad also. I mention this because your blog and your writing is doing just the opposite for me. Of course I am sad, but each time I see that you have posted, I am happy to be reading and maybe in some miniscule way supporting you through this time. Keep writing, keep telling us whatever you need to tell us, and we will keep reading and supporting you however you need us to.
jacquelyn geertsema says:
Keep On Keeping On
jacquelyn geertsema’s last blog post..
Kelly says:
She was there with you. She’ll always be there with you. Just not how she was meant to be…
Huge hugs.
Kelly’s last blog post..Poor, sick, tired baby
Susan says:
She certainly is suppose to be here!!! And it sucks the worst that she is not. I ditto the first blogger response in that what you are going through, your bravery shows. We simply cannot get what you are going through but we care. {hugs from a cyper reader}.
AMomTwoBoys says:
She IS supposed to be here. And Jackie! isn’t supposed to have a brain tumor.
None of it is fair. All of it sucks.
I love you guys. I’m here for you. In any way you need me to be.
xoxoxo
Just Jiff says:
Maddie was there, just not in the way she was supposed to be.
*HUGS*
Just Jiff’s last blog post..Playdate with Aunt Corkiney.
Jill says:
Yes she is. And my heart and arms ache on your behalf almost daily. When Lisa at Clusterfook died earlier this year, I said something like “it must be like learning to walk all over again” in reference to her husband and kids. But there you are walking. And you’ve got a world of people to boost you up if you stumble. Just keep walking…
Jill’s last blog post..Second-Hand Jill
Jennifer says:
Yes–Maddie is supposed to be here. I don’t understand it at all.
I’m glad the walk went well though. The toast headgear was great!
Jennifer’s last blog post..My New Obsession…
Midwest Mommy says:
I do love the head gear. I am glad the walk went well and Jackie is still doing great.
Mom24@4evermom says:
It’s terribly unfair that she wasn’t there. I’m so, so sorry.
Dina says:
You and Mike are amazing friends and wonderful parents. You are right, it is so, so unfair!
Your writing and honesty are beautiful. I wish I had more words to express how moved I have been by the news of Maddie’s passing.
Please keep writing. So many people care about you, Mike, and Maddie.
san says:
Hi, I’ve been reading your blog for a while… I came here, like almost everybody else, when I heard of the bad news about Maddie. It deeply saddened me.
Now this post touches another nerve with me… I have the same story: my best friend (in Germany) was diagnosed with a brain tumor on her frontal lobe last year. She had surgery and has a week of chemo now every month.
I feel as lost as you do about this… but my friend keeps saying: we get burdened so much more than other people because we are strong enough to see it through.
I hope she’s right.
Carrie Montag says:
Heather,
I just recently started reading your blog, and I must say, you are a very special woman. Maddie was a beautiful little girl, and her spirit and smile was so special. I cant look at her without smiling. Those eyes and her personality warms my heart. As a mom of a 2-year with special health needs ( CP, Epilepsy,etc due to a birthing accident), I know the feeling of waiting for the other “shoe to drop.” I feel for you Heather. My heart breaks for you and your husband. Maddie is looking down on you from heaven and is so happy to have had you as her mommy. You did the best you could for her, and then some. May her beautiful spirit live on forever.
Take Care,
Carrie
Oconomowoc, WI
Amazing Greis says:
Glad to hear the walk went well. Maddie was there, just not the way she was supposed to be. I’m sure she was looking down on you all, wearing a toast hat, smiling her BIG Maddie smile, walking for Jackie.
Sending lots of love from deep in the heart of Texas.
XOXO
Amazing Greis’s last blog post..I &hearts Faces – Week 17
Margie says:
I’m so sorry about your loss, truly I am. However, I totally get your humor. Can I join your club? I’m a 32 year-old diabetic with a brother who has chronic leukemia and we laugh at how 2008 & 2009 were the “best” years ever. We have our own Diseases Rock club. Turk sounds like a true jerk.
denise says:
Just hugs, no words. (hugs)
Becky says:
She is supposed to be here. I’m fucking pissed that she’s not.
(p.s. DOWN WITH TURK!!)
Becky’s last blog post..Only Mildly Abnormal
cindy w says:
I would like to amend that: Maddie wasn’t supposed to be there, because Jackie! wasn’t supposed to get a f’ing brain tumor in the first damn place. This is all so unfair. I’m so, so sorry.
cindy w’s last blog post..fun aunt Tracy
Sue says:
I don’t know you but I’ve been following your blog since I first read about your horrific loss. I wanted to tell you how truly sorry I am for you and your family and how brave I think you are. Thank you for continuing to write, you are an inspiration.
Amy says:
I agree… she is supposed to be here… wearing her piece of toast on her head. I feel happy that you and your family were able to be there for your friend. I can only imagine how strong the pull is to sit and do nothing day in and day out. Kudos to you and Mike (and your folks too) for putting one foot in front of the other… taking steps each day to keep getting up and getting going. Continuing to think happy thoughts for you in Massachusetts. The weeping cherry tree in our front yard is starting to lose its petals. Small pink/purplish petals are raining down in to the yard… it makes me think of Maddie.
Amy says:
I’m so, so sorry. I there was something more I could say…
Amy’s last blog post..Sizzle… ssszzzz… breathe
kristen says:
“the greatest gift you’ll ever earn
Is just to love
And be loved in return”
You and Mike and Maddie shared this precious gift with one another for an amazing 17+ months. While it was far, far too short, the gift was yours—given and received daily—and you loved each other openly, adoringly, and selflessly. Nobody can ever take that away from you. And that loving never ends.
xxoo
Domestic Extraordinaire says:
This totally sucks-I have no words-just ((((hugs))))
Domestic Extraordinaire’s last blog post..My goals for May
Stefanie says:
Keep breathing, babe.
Stefanie’s last blog post..Mama Bear
Melissa says:
I am so sad for you and Mike and don’t know how you get out of bed- your courage is amazing and inspirational and I’m sure you don’t feel like you are, but YOU ARE. I saw your blog from Matt and have read it every day, crying after reading how you wrapped Maddie in blankets at the hospital and kissing her cool forehead. You are amazing to keep living life and honoring your daughter every day. I love your honesty and your thoughts.
Melissa’s last blog post..The most wonderful Sunday!
Melissa says:
I am so sad for you and Mike and don’t know how you get out of bed- your courage is amazing and inspirational and I’m sure you don’t feel like you are, but YOU ARE. I saw your blog from Matt and have read it every day, crying after reading how you wrapped Maddie in blankets at the hospital and kissing her cool forehead. You are amazing to keep living life and honoring your daughter every day. I love your honesty and your thoughts.
Amanda (@mom23greatgirls) says:
Everyday when I read I think the same thing..
This is just not the way that it’s suppose to be…this is not the order of life.
Keep on going Heather – you have lots of people pulling for you and Mike.
Amy in Oregon says:
Oh I just know that little beam of joy Maddie was smiling down on you, Mike, and Jackie! during the walk! She was supposed to be there in all her glory for the walk, she is supposed to be here now. I am sorry she isn’t. I wish she were.
Tricia (irishsamom) says:
She definitely would have been the most spirited one out there, if her pictures are anything to go by. She was a true light. I wish I could say words that would help you through this, but there really are none. I am just praying for you and your husband and sending love and hugs over cyberspace, which feels like nothing at all. Your daughter cheering you on at that walk, I know she was….
With love,
Tricia and family x
Tricia (irishsamom)’s last blog post..Hope for Spring
april says:
How inspiring that even in the midst of grieving… you walked for your friend. Maddie was there… right beside you guys… you just couldn’t see her. She’s always there and I’m sure she loved the toast around your neck. I’m so so so so sorry Heather… why do bad things happen to good people? Just not fair.
Hugs from NJ.
JoAnn says:
I have been avoiding posting. I’ve been wanting to say “I’m sorry”- but even that doesn’t do justice to what I feel.
I’ve never met you, but I have been emotionally and physically affected by your situation. I am so angry. I’m SO F*CKING ANGRY that this has happened to you. It is cruel, and it is unfair, and it is just unfathomable to me that two loving, committed, selfless parents have to suffer through this pain, this deep and unabiding loss. I want to scream out WHY?? WHY??? How can this be??!
I cannot begin to tell you how absolutely beautiful your baby is. Aside from her outer beauty, she is one of those children that simply shines a light for all to see. As much as it must ring hollow for you and your husband right now, it is moving to see just how profound an effect she has had on the world. There is so much to be said about this child who can reach out and touch so many… She got that character and those qualities from the two of you. And I so admire you both your courage, your strength…
I find myself thinking of the three of you- of your beautiful, beautiful girl- so often. I hurt for you. And if there was any small wish that could be granted to you, I would wish even the smallest measure of peace…
And I am so sorry. So, so sorry.
Lisa says:
She is supposed to be here. I could say I’m sorry a million times and I don’t know that it makes a difference. Life sucks sometimes. I’m glad you wore her little toast hat around your neck because you know she was there in spirit to support her aunt Jackie! and her mom and dad.
I’m thinking of you and sending ((hugs)) you’re way.
memphislis says:
Once again I just don’t even know what to say. We ALL miss Maddie but I still can’t wrap my mind around your agony. One foot in front of the other. Tears and prayers form Memphis.
wn says:
The three things I love most about this post are:
1 – the name of the tumor (funny, morbid and funny)
2 – the toast headware (funny, morbid and funny)
3 – the very first comment made by Louise referring to God’s wallet. Not funny at all….but well said.
She would have been the life of the walk, you are right. I have a feeling though that you had several cheerleaders somewhere up there.
much love
wn’s last blog post..Quick snaps from a Sunday morning Coffee-Run…
Danes says:
Yes, she IS supposed to be here, and ALL of this is totally unfair – Maddie, Jax, all of it. I just keep loving all of you, hoping it’s enough but knowing it can never be enough. Love you.
Tami says:
I am also sorry that Maddie couldnt of been here to wear her toast hat. She would of been so cute in it. I to am mad that she was taken from her parents so soon. It is not fair and my heart breaks for you both. I am glad Jackie is doing better, she is such a beautful Lady. My thoughts and tears are with you daily.
hugs,
Dina says:
I too have been following your blog since you lost your precious little girl. I cannot stop thinking about her and about what you are going through. It is all so unfair.
You have changed my life. I no longer let the little things in life aggravate me. I appreciate every second of every day with my children. I have a 4 year old son and a 19 month old daughter who has a full head of curls. I tell them over and over again how very much I love them.
Thank you for sharing your precious memories of Maddie with us. She should have been at that walk and she would have been the most spirited by far.
God Bless you. I am so, so sorry.
Alison says:
Maddie’s toast hat reminds me SO MUCH of Maddie in her “I’m Brave” shirt and the picture of Jackie! with the “I’m Brave” shirt. I guess it’s the connection of facing such obstacles and smiling despite (and sometimes because) of them.
I know that you know that we all wish, with all our hearts, that Maddie had been there to wear her little toast hat. We do, we do, we do. And I’m sorry that will never be enough.
xoxo
Alison’s last blog post..School is Occasionally Useful
Anna Marie Hinnant says:
Maddie would have been the brightest smile on the walk. Hugs.
amy says:
You’re right. It is just not fair. Try, if you can, to find a teeny-tiny bit of solace in knowing that many of us are thinking of you each day, Heather.
Jackie says:
Heath, I love you!
Cameron says:
I’ve never met you or Maddie, and I didn’t even know about her until after she’d passed, but I miss her.
linzandkenzsmommy says:
I love the creative toast head gear…and the purple bow on Maddie’s was priceless. The purple bow prompted me to buy a purple travel coffee cup today at the Coffee Bean…I saw the purple, thought of Maddie and couldn’t resist. I now think of her and your family each time I see something purple…which is a lot!
I have had some time to view all the pictures of your sweet girl on Flicker…and she truly was a beauty! You captured so many special moments. There was something about the look in her eye that made me see she was well beyond her years…her smile was and still is infectious. The one thing that really amazes me is how HAPPY she looks…all the time…that can only be attributed to what you and Mike brought to her life…she was a gift to you but you were such a gift to her.
Keep writing Heather…though your entries often bring me to tears…I am grateful that you are willing and able to share what you are experiencing.. it puts things in perspective for me each day, in so many ways!
My thoughts are with you.
Michelle
linzandkenzsmommy’s last blog post..Kendal 13 Months
linzandkenzsmommy says:
I love the creative toast head gear…and the purple bow on Maddie’s was priceless. The purple bow prompted me to buy a purple travel coffee cup today at the Coffee Bean…I saw the purple, thought of Maddie and couldn’t resist. I now think of her and your family each time I see something purple…which is a lot!
I have had some time to view all the pictures of your sweet girl on Flicker…and she truly was a beauty! You captured so many special moments. There was something about the look in her eye that made me see she was well beyond her years…her smile was and still is infectious. The one thing that really amazes me is how HAPPY she looks…all the time…that can only be attributed to what you and Mike brought to her life…she was a gift to you but you were such a gift to her.
Keep writing Heather…though your entries often bring me to tears…I am grateful that you are willing and able to share what you are experiencing.. it puts things in perspective for me each day, in so many ways!
My thoughts are with you.
Michelle
Katie says:
I would give anything to see a picture of Maddie in that toast hat. I am so sorry she isn’t with you.
I have an etsy shop where I embroider mostly children’s items, but other things too. I made a little something in memory of Maddie and I would love to sell it and donate any proceeds to the March of Dimes. I’ve been wracking my brain for a way to help. I would like to get your permission first, so if you could please email me if you get the chance. If not, that’s okay too
Manic Mommy says:
I am praying for your friend Jackie! now too. I’m sorry. For all that has been laid upon your shoulders.
Manic Mommy’s last blog post..iF THiS iSN’T a TyPiCaL MoNDay!
sam {temptingmama} says:
I want to undo everything of this past month. I wish more than ANYTHING I could do that. I wish I could bear your pain so you don’t have to. I wish I could find the right words each and every time we talk.
I am so very sorry friend. You’re absolutely right. Maddie should be here. God, I wish Maddie was here. I hate seeing you and Mike hurting. HATE IT.
I’m always here for you!
Michele says:
It’s incredible to me that, in the midst of your pain, you pulled through for your girlfriend and went to San Fran and walked. I believe your daughter was there with you, smiling joyously at the silly toast bobbers and hats, and for the purple ribbon her Mommy wore to honor her. Madeline, you and Mike are in my thoughts everyday. I continue to say a prayer in Maddie’s name for every purple anything I see, and wish you peace. I also wish and pray for your girlfriend to be cancer-free. Thank you for your posts – thinking of you and what you are going through now has truly affected my parenting – I’m paying more attention to the little things and truly enjoying each moment with my 2 year old son. Thank you.
Take care, Michele in Staten Island NY
Manic Mommy says:
OK, I just went and read all the Jackie! posts, and I want to know how she is doing? She is a beautiful woman! Am praying for her now as well. How can I not!?!? xo
Manic Mommy’s last blog post..iF THiS iSN’T a TyPiCaL MoNDay!
Jasmin says:
I can’t begin to imagine the pain you are going through. I’m extremely sorry for your loss. Every entry I read leaves me with a huge lump in my throat. I’ve cried several times thinking about how unfair this is.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about your family. I wish I could do more.
annie says:
heather~ i think of you daily. no matter what words may come to me, nothing seems appropriate enough to say.
i pray that you will keep writing…..i think many of us who read your entries will agree that it makes us look at things a little differently. it makes me more humble in the light of your pain and keeps me focused on what is really important.
i wish SO much that maddie could have been there-that day and so many others.
annie’s last blog post..New Emerson Video!
Della says:
jRo (at top) and annie (just before me) really said it for me, so I’m just posting this comment to underline theirs, and sign my name to it.
Della’s last blog post..A Whole New Use for Pancakes
Jodee says:
Just the biggest (((((HUG HUG HUG)))))) ever…wish I could do more…
Jodee’s last blog post..Chickens and posting
tara says:
heather – she IS supposed to be here. it’ so unfair. i think of you, mike and maddie every. single. day. purple has taken on a new meaning for me – i never really noticed it, but now i **see** it all the time. and each time, i think of your beautiful maddie. sending you all my love and hugs.
Funsize says:
She’s supposed to be here, enjoying life. And although she wasn’t there physically, she was there with you spiritually. My family is still thinking of you, and sending you virtual hugs.
Funsize’s last blog post..Protected: Shut the Front Door
Amy says:
It’s just not fair. Your sweet Maddie is supposed to be here, doing normal toddler things, my heart aches for you each and every day. Sending you lots and lots of (((hugs)))
Amy’s last blog post..My Latest Works of Art
Stefanie says:
Just commenting so that you know I’m here reading. You are going through way more right now than anyone should ever have to. You know things that no one should have to know. It’s just f-ed up is what it is. Thinking of you and Mike every day. Multiple times a day. xxoo
Stefanie’s last blog post..Acceptance
Cat says:
So unfair. Baby toast should have been there. I’m so sorry.
Cat’s last blog post..I Have GOT To Stop Eating Feces
Chris says:
Heather, you, Mike, Jackie! and all your friends and family continue to be awe inspiring to me. I am so geuninely thrilled you have this kind of support (and Jackie as well). As someone who has spent her entire adult life battling a rare illness I’ve seen more than my share of “friends” disappaer when the going gets tough. To see this amount of love and support for one another does the heart good. And I’m sending more nameless, faceless, thoughts wishes and such to you all now, again as I do with each post I read and tear I cry. Your little girl has touched so many lives I’m just truly in awe.
Jamie says:
I started commenting on Mike’s blog, but I think it got erased so I’ll have to go back (long story about a hospital and stupid gall bladder). My Mom died two years ago. Today. The “supposed tos” are just always there. They don’t stop, they just don’t come as often and they don’t make you want to ugly cry every time your brain comes across them. They’re so bitter at first. They hurt. Physcially. Like they’re crushing your ribs or squeezing your heart until it wants to pop. Sometimes now, two years after, it doesn’t feel that bad. I still ache sometimes, but sometimes those “supposed tos” make me smile too.
I know it’s not the same, but in the future they won’t be as big or hurt as much.
Jamie’s last blog post..Friday Link Love
Libby says:
Oh man, the toast gear is cute and I’m glad you guys still went and were able to support your friend. Yep…Maddie should’ve been there and you shouldn’t be writing this. You are such a good mom and you did a great job honoring your daughter and Jackie in San Fran. Take care. Sending you lots of support and prayers from Illinois.
Bec says:
Love you darlin’.
Glenda says:
You amaze me! I love your honesty and writing style. You are doing great by honoring Maddie and you’re the best of friend to Jackie. You are an inspiration. Take care of yourself and hoping that Jackie continues to do well. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers. XO P.S. the toast gear is super cute!
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
I’m thinking that if there is such a thing as a fairy godmother, we should trade in yours for another, because it just isn’t right that sweet Maddie is gone AND now one of your best friends has been diagnosed with Turk the Jerk.
Keep us posted. Still thinking of you every day and sending so many virtual hugs your way.
Lynn from For Love or Funny’s last blog post..Allow me to pinch her, just a little bit
Raging Dad says:
Indeed. So sorry for your loss. The purple tie around the neck is a nice touch.
Raging Dad’s last blog post..F@ck swine flu; I want the Rage Virus
Debby Watson says:
I began following your blog when it was posted on LizLogans blog regarding Maddies death. I would like to say that my heart hurts for you and your husband. I am writing today because I had the strangest thing happen today and you were part of it. I live in East Texas twenty miles from Longview Texas. While having my car worked on I picked up the Longview News Journal and there was an article on Twittering. Your last twitter before Maddie passed was referenced in the article along with the annoucement of her passing. What a very small world we live in.
Maile says:
I keep writing a comment and then deleting it. It’s hard to put my thoughts into words. I’ve been so moved by your story and haven’t stopped thinking about you and your family. You and your husband are such obviously good people and such wonderful parents. You never complained or even thought to complain about Maddie’s health problems. You always realized how blessed you were to have her. When our son was diagnosed with autism, my husband and I spent so much time in despair over the diagnosis. I feel foolish when I look at how easily and gracefully you took on parenthood even though your child had difficulties. It is so unfair that such exemplary parents should have to cope with losing a child. You have shown me, through your loss as well as through your whole story with Maddie, how to be a better mother to my child, how to be more the mother that he deserves. I’m learning that in all kinds of ways, but thank you for being one of them by sharing your story. I’m so sorry that this has happened and my thoughts will remain with you as I continue to follow your blog and wish you well.
Maile’s last blog post..Coffee
Marti from Michigan says:
I fully agree with Just Jiff up above……..Maddie WAS there, just not in human form.
Please know that death is simply a vapor away. You CAN talk to Maddie and she CAN hear you! I witnessed my mom’s death (March 2007), and it was beautiful. She had been in a full coma and had been unresponsive for many days. It was hard on all of us as we are a very close family. Just moments before her last breath, she opened her eyes and lifted her head and shoulders up off the pillow. She looked at all 4 of her daughters sitting around her bed, and she smiled at us. Then she gently laid her head back down and breathed her last. Moments later, the room filled with a soft warm glow. It was very early in the morning and the sun had not yet come up. God was definitely in my mom’s Hospice room, taking her home to be with Him.
My mom was a loving great-grandmother (and dad, a loving great-grandfather) and I know they are both having fun in heaven with all the kids and babies that are there, including little Maddie, my little Joey and my nephew Stevie who died at 3 months of age from a crib death.
mosey along says:
I couldn’t make it to the Brain Tumour walk this year (a friend died of GBM a few years ago), but wish I could have seen you in your Toast hats, and felt like I was really walking with you, rather than just walking virtually alongside in the blogosphere. But countless hearts, mine included, are filled with love for you and Mike and Maddie. I hope you feel it.
mosey along’s last blog post..Universal Truths
Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com says:
*hugs*
Millions and millions of hugs.
Alexandra says:
You’re so right…she is supposed to be here. I know you’re going to have so many many more moments like this…where Maddie is supposed to be here. What happened to your family is so unreal and unnatural and out of the order of things. I can’t believe you are making it day by day, breath by breath. When I think of you, tears just spring to my eyes faster than I can stop them.
rachel cortest says:
yes, she is supposed to be here and it will never be right or make sense that she is not here. hugs always, Rachel
Barbara Howard says:
Heather, Thanks to your ability to share your pain, Maddie was not only there with you and Jackie! in San Francisco, but she was here in my heart, and in my daughter’s heart, and in so many other hearts in this internet-connected universe! I have wept for you and Mike, and I have come to understand somewhat better what it must have been like for my parents when my younger brother died in his sleep (probably SIDS) at the age of 3 1/2 months. (He had just recovered from a cold, and had seen his doctor the day before his death.) I was the oldest of what would be seven children, only 18 months old when my baby brother died, but I was eight when mom lost her seventh child prior to birth and then carried her for several weeks with the certain knowledge that she was no longer living. Two months after that, our dad, an Air Force pilot, was killed in a midair collision. Sharing your grief as you have has allowed me to cherish my Mom even more, if that’s possible. I cannot imagine how you (and she) even survive…much less continue to live and give to others as you and she have done. Mama died last year, and I ache for her, but she, and you, and Mike, and Maddie, and now Jackie!, are in my heart forever. Thank you Heather!
Ginger says:
If there is anything we can do, you’ll tell us, right? When you are ready to laugh, will you ask us to try to to help you? Please? Despite how we don’t know each other, I think of you every day and I would love to help you carry your load. This burden is so much bigger than any mom should have to carry. I’m glad you have the others who loved Maddie to help you. Whatever you think you need, you deserve to have – so please ask for help to heal as your needs dictate. We all love you.
Ginger’s last blog post..The Belgian Waffle Meme
Charlane says:
I am sorry that Maddie could not be there with you, but she is always there with you. I am blown away by your ability to continue on with posting and letting everyone share in your grief, loss, and in your love for your beautiful daughter. The whole world is here praying for you, watching out for you, and wishing they could take just a little of your pain, carry just a bit of your load. Keelyn and I say a prayer for your family every night (well, I pray and she squeals but her heart is in it). You are always in our thoughts and prayers.
Charlane’s last blog post..I Miss My Kid
misfithausfrau says:
I am sorry that Maddie wasn’t there to wear her hat. She would have looked MIGHTY fine in it.
I’ve been wondering how Jackie! is doing.
misfithausfrau’s last blog post..An April Morning In Tennessee
Misty says:
I came across your site by a chance. I cry everytime I read yor postings. My daughter, Emma, was a premmie. Everytime I read, I cry because I know that I could be walking in your shoes. I am touch by you and your family everyday. May God keep giving the strenght that you need. Always in my prayers
Sarah says:
Hang in there. Keep breathing. \
amanda says:
I love Maddie’s toast hat, and I hate the fact that she didn’t get to wear it.
xo from CT,
amanda
amanda’s last blog post..why I am an ass (5/4/09 edition)
Kellie says:
You amaze me!
Thinking of you and Mike and the rest of the family.
Kellie’s last blog post..In Which I Do Something I HATE…
Kristen says:
I so wish she could have been there to wear it…
Haley-O says:
She was there in spirit…. Always with you in spirit….
Congratulations on doing the walk! ((hugs))
Haley-O’s last blog post..Busy Day, Birthday Parties, and “Depleting the Inventory”
pgoodness says:
Yes, she should have been and it sucks that she wasn’t there. But I know she was with you – Maddie would never have missed Jackie!’s walk. HUGS
pgoodness’s last blog post..Deep thoughts
Therese says:
I can picture her in the hat, she would have looked so cute. It is a great thing you have done for your friend, and even now when you have to be hurting so bad to still be there for your friend is awesome.
Although I do not believe in an organized religion, I do believe in a higher power and I could not go through life believing that there is not a special awesome place where Maddie is right now, where she can look and see everything that is going on. There has got to be one hell of a place for someone as special as Maddie.
amy says:
You are a very dear friend to have gone and supported the cause considering the situation. Good for you for making the effort and showing your friend how very dear she is to you. The toast hats and bobbies are so creative. Know Maddie was with you, as she will always be, in your hearts.
Amy
Jayme Q. says:
Maddie would have been the talk of the walk, with her little toast hat on. I’m so sorry that she wasn’t… but I’m so proud of you for being there, with both toast hats on, walking not only for Jackie! but for Maddie too. It’s the best possible thing you could have done for your daughter… it’s the gift you give her every day, when you live your life and do the things that she cannot. ((hugs))
Trish says:
You’re right; she is supposed to be there. And it sucks that she’s not. But I’m glad that you were there. And I hope Jackie! is doing okay.
Trish’s last blog post..It’s all fun and games until the dinosaur tackles you and rips out your throat
anymommy says:
She absolutely is. It’s that simple. The walk sounds amazing, I’m glad it went so well.
amy says:
I can’t read your posts without crying. She IS supposed to be there. You are NOT supposed to not have her in your arms. I’ve been reading along for a spell, and there isn’t a day that goes by, really, that I don’t think of you and have a stab of pain in my heart for you. What a beautiful girl, and I’m just so so sorry. I don’t know how you heal from this, it has to feel like an appendage…no, your heart itself…was ripped off/out of you. How do you heal? I don’t know, but I pray that you can, with time.
She’ll always be your little girl, she’s always going to be carried around in your heart.
amy’s last blog post..Guess what? I’m still pretty fricking lazy…
Molly says:
Jackie! is so lucky to have you. And so was Maddie. How I wish she could have been there too. It sounds like she would have loved it.
My tribute to her is in the link below. Another tribute from a total stranger–it must be so weird for you guys–but I hope it helps, just a little.
Molly’s last blog post..Maddie
Lucia says:
I love how Jackie! has that exclamation point! Kick that turk’s ass!
Great headgear. Still sending prayers to your family.
Lucia’s last blog post..My Mom Logic
susan m says:
I am so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you. May you find a little peace in knowing that she is in heaven and just as alive as ever, just not here with you right now.
http://www.prayforjoseph.blogspot.com/
Sarah says:
I love those toast hats! The flash of Maddie-Purple is so sweet and so heartbreaking, all at once. I love that you write about her so (seemingly) freely. I like to think all her Sweetness of Spirit is fighting that worthless Turk in ways we’re not able to here in this plane of existence. Fighting to keep Jackie! here with you, for you, where *yes*, they both should be.
Sarah’s last blog post..I Want My Mamma!
ZDub says:
I am gutted every time I read your posts. My son’s birthday is 11/12/07 and I can’t even imagine what you are going through, almost more than a person can take I imagine. I think about you guys every day (even though I don’t know you) and Maddie was a gorgeous baby girl. You could see it her eyes how much she was loved.
ZDub’s last blog post..The Lime Is For Cinco De Mayo
Elizabeth says:
I am sorry she couldn’t wear her hat. She would have been spectacularly cute. Thinking of you.
Connie says:
You’re so right and it is so unfair. I wish it were different. As Mother’s Day nears, I’m thinking of you and sending hugs. The bracelet I sent you is from Maddie for Mother’s Day.
((((HUGS))))
COnnie
Elaina Avalos says:
Thinking of you and Mike right now.
Shannon Kieta says:
Oh Heather, Now I am hook on yet another heartbreak of story…Jackie! Your life sounds alot like mine. One fuckin’ trauma afer another. Sometimes you wonder…What next? You have a far better out look than I do. Just loosing my sister to lung cancer in Jan. after only being diagnosed in Sept. was a big blow. I’m still angry she didn’t fight harder. I get so sad it hurts. My family aand my kids make me very happy. I feel for you so deeply in your loss. We (fellow bloggers) feel so close to you, you may not realize just how many friends you do have. Nothing or no one will ever take the place of your daughter, but sometimes serenity is comforting. Take care of yourself.
Karen says:
Maddie should still be here. Five words surrounded by bitter injustice and a realization that leaves you feeling helpless and empty. She wasn’t mine and *I* feel that. She’s yours and Mike’s and your emptiness must feel… bottomless. Yet through the grief, you are being a hero for your friend; a champion for yet another valiant cause. You my friend, are an incredible person.
Karen’s last blog post..This is what I get for staying on top of housework.
Bonnie says:
Maddie would have burnt Turk up!
Bonnie’s last blog post..Sometimes you just know…
Suzanne says:
You guys have the most incredible friends. They are a living testimony to the kind of people you both are. I am so, so sorry that Maddie could not be there to help you support your amazing friend Jackie!. She and Jackie! seem like kindred spirits, with courage and charisma to spare and megawatt smiles.
Playground for Parents says:
“She’s supposed to be here.” I’ve said the same thing about my brother so many times. He died in 2001, when I was pregnant with my baby girl. And eight years later, I still feel that he’s SUPPOSED to be here. Supposed to be an uncle, a brother, a son, a friend. That it’s not fair. That I’m not sure what to do with my grief, and I stay angry and confused about the untimely passing of my only sibling. You have found such a great outlet in your blog. And in return you have hopefully received tremendous love and support. Your posts are often as funny as they are tragic. I read them, I watch the videos, and I ache and I want to run and put a toast hat on our new baby girl. I appreciate your vulnerability, your honesty, your generosity. I wish you moments of peace, darlin’.
Debra Knapp says:
YES!!! She is supposed to be here! ………….and she is. But I know it is not the same………………………
Alison says:
She should be here, it’s so true. I say that every time I read your blog. Love you guys.
Sarah says:
Just wanted you to know that your story has touched me deeply.
Danielle @ ExtraordinaryMommy says:
I have to agree with Louise…she said it best:
If God had a wallet, your picture would be in there for your courage and bravery. Like most people leaving comments, there are no words to help you. I ran across your blog and read it every day. Your strength amazes us all.
Truly. You are loved.
Linda Duncan says:
Heather, I continue to be amazed by your writing. Seriously you need to write a book for grieving parents. I’ll bet you got good grades in English – I know the grade you get for loving Maddie.
I love that you made the toast necklace, I love that you’re supporting your friend even while your heart is breaking over and over each day. I love that you keep writing and sharing your saddness, anger and grief with us.
I never met you or Maddie but I feel like I know you. I pray for you, daily. Hugs, Linda from RR
Linda Duncan’s last blog post..Gathering my Girls!
Jenn says:
Hi Heather,
Thank you for your blog. Although we have never met, as I watch your video’s of you and Maddie – I always smile with tears in my eyes and I almost feel like I do know you (I love your sense of humour). I so wish things were different for you and your husband. You’re right, Maddie should have been there and, I am so very sorry she wasn’t in person but, I really do think she was in spirit. I find your blogging to be profoundly raw with emotion, so much so, every time I read one of your posts, I so want to reach out and just hug you! Or, call you on the phone to tell you, somehow, in some way, it will be Okay. I know I can’t though….not so much b/c I am a stranger to you, but b/c I know, no words I could ever say to you will ever make your hurt subside. No hug or warm wishes will mend your broken heart. I feel so badly and so sad b/c of that but, I do understand it as last August, I suddenly lost my 10 month old God-daughter. We also have the March of Dimes up here in Canada. If it’s alright with you, I would love to make a donation in Maddie’s name. I am so glad they were there for you and offered you the support you needed in your time of need. As always, thank you for continuing to share your daughter with the world. It’s funny, isn’t it? How you can fall in love and miss a beautiful baby girl you have never met. I will continue to pray for you and your family. Take Care Heather. Your “Stranger Friend”, Jenn from Canada