They say there are seven stages of grief, and that you’re supposed to go from one stage to another.
I go through most of the stages every day.
Shock – I was in shock watching the doctors and nurses give my daughter chest compressions, shock when the doctors stopped trying to save her, and shock when I wake up every morning and she isn’t snuggled next to me.
Denial – I denied that she was in danger of leaving me, even as I watched her heart completely stop beating – multiple times. My brain denies that the last ten weeks have even happened.
Bargaining – When Madeline laid on the hospital bed with dozens of medical personnel around her, I started bargaining, begging anyone and anything to help her, save her. Every night, when I lay my head on her hard, cool urn, I tell her that I would do anything to get her back. And I mean that. Anything.
Guilt – I feel guilty that Maddie got sick. I feel guilty that she died in front of me, and I wasn’t holding her or kissing her during her final moments. I feel guilty every moment of every day that I live, and she does not.
Anger – I was furious when the attending doctor came to Mike and me and said they were “only going to try for ten more minutes.” I am furious they couldn’t save her. I am furious at the universe for taking my daughter. I am furious at my body for not being able to carry her to full-term.
Depression – The depression hits me like a sonic boom. My ears and eyes fill, I can hardly breathe, and my body lights on fire. I feel sick, the seconds stretch out like eons in front of me. I feel hopeless, empty, broken.
Acceptance – I will never, ever accept that my daughter is gone. Never.
They say that all seven stages must be completed for healing to occur. I guess I’ll never be healed.
kymberli q. says:
It is because of Maddie that I take more time loving on my little girl, not knowing if I’ll ever get another chance. I hope that doesn’t make you feel bad. I want you to know that you remind me to do that. I think of that sometimes during the day and I wanted you to know that you/Maddie make me remember to not take anything for granted. So…in my eyes…Maddie still lives on…just in a different way. I wish for big blessings to you and your family.
.-= kymberli q.´s last blog ..Joelle – Naples Plaza SNEAK PEEK =-.
Mindy says:
WOW! You took the words right out of my mouth! I check everyday for a post. It’s sad, but sometimes I hang onto every word. Especially when I am sleep deprived and have not an ounce of happy in me to share. Thank you both for sharing!!
Min
.-= Mindy´s last blog ..Hormones please! =-.
Andrea says:
Said perfectly, Kymberli. Since Maddie died, I hold my baby girl tighter, longer and I treasure her more.
Heather, words can be so empty, but from the bottom of my heart — I thank you for sharing your story with us. Maddie’s life was not in vain.
.-= Andrea´s last blog ..Eleven-Month-You =-.
Amy Garcia says:
So well said, Kymberli. I feel the same and have thought of Heather, Mike and Maddie so many times and have used their profound loss to try to be a better, more patient mom. Heather, Mike and Maddie, you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
Tanya says:
I gave birth to my first child, a baby boy at 25 weeks after a difficult pregnancy. Before this pregnancy, I did yoga 3 times a week. I had good feelings about my body.
It took me a long time to do yoga again. More than a year and I am still ambivalent about it. I was afraid to be alone with my body. I was very angry at my body and terrified about what would happen if I was alone with it.
I pray for you Heather. As far as healing goes, it helps me to connect with the suffering of all women which is why I pray to the virgin mary. I also pray to my ancestors. Women through the ages are so strong and you are strong.
Debbie in Memphis says:
Wishing that for just one moment I could take some of your pain away. I’m so sorry that I can’t. Sending you and Mike love and prayers every moment of every day.
Noelle says:
Oh dear Heather, I think of you every day, hoping and praying that you will find some peace and wishing this had never happened to your family.
You are so right about simultaneously feeling each stage of grief. It’s torture. There are days I stop in the middle of what I’m doing–four years after the fact–and think to myself, how the hell does someone die from a broken ankle IN.THE.21ST.CENTURY?! Some things you can just never wrap your brain around.
Don’t think of the “stages of grief” like a 12-step program, where you move on to one after the other until you feel whole again. I think the stages are more like guidelines, to let you know that you are not alone in your grieving process, even when you feel alone in your grief. There are no magic words, no magic wands, just time and tears and whatever you need to get through each day.
(((Hugs)))
.-= Noelle´s last blog ..Unsupervised =-.
Sheila says:
I also wish I could take some of your pain away.
Joanne says:
I only found your blog today, but I couldn’t stop reading until I reached the beginning. I want you to know that reading your words, your journey, maybe especially because it was backwards, has changed my perspective on life. I’m not a mother, I can’t possibly understand what you and your husband are going through. But I can see how much you love her, how wanted she was, and is, and always will be. And, although it can never approach what you feel for her, I want you to know I love her too, for the beautiful happy baby she is in your stories of your life together.
Krystal says:
Heather,
You are healing by sharing.
You may never fully recover form her loss, but my love you are healing.
I love you Heather. And although I can never take your pain away. God, broke our hearts to prove to us he only takes the best.
.-= Krystal´s last blog ..We Are "The Cullens", and You’re the Bitch! =-.
catherine lucas says:
I am not sure whether “knowing” the stages of grief actually helps to cope with the grief.
I wished I could promise you that one day, you will have healed, yet I can’t.
You have a big blue bruise on your soul, and those are the hardest kind to get over. Once more I wished that I could help you and Mike out here, but i don’t have the magic wand needed for that.
Grief is pouring salt on an open wound. It hurts like hell, and nobody knows when the hurt will stop. I wished I could make the hurt stop.
.-= catherine lucas´s last blog ..Scrapbooks and rabbits =-.
Joe @ Irrational Dad says:
Yeah, I don’t know how one could get to/through the acceptance “stage”. It’d be nice to say that you will, that everyone does. But who comes up with this stuff? A person sitting in a cozy chair that has never gone what you’ve gone through?
Make your own stages, Heather, and leave out acceptance. Heal on your own time, on your own terms.
.-= Joe @ Irrational Dad´s last blog ..It happened last night =-.
Sally says:
“I feel guilty every moment of every day that I live, and she does not.”
I know exactly what you mean. You are going to ride these “stages of grief” like a rollercoaster for the rest of your life I’d say. So will I.
Lots of love to you Mama.
.-= Sally´s last blog ..Grand plans unfulfilled =-.
amanda says:
Heather, I wish I could say something to help in times like these. I wish I knew you in real life, so I could give you a big hug – it wouldn’t solve a thing, but maybe it would take away a second of pain. But all I can do is just hope with everything I’ve got that this gets easier for you.
With love,
Amanda from CT
.-= amanda´s last blog ..vacation, so far =-.
Lindsay from Florida says:
Of course I understand that me saying not to feel guilty over certain things means nothing at all … every feeling you have in all this is valid because it is your own. But I so wish I could take away the guilt that you feel (and the anger you feel at yourself). Because you just don’t deserve it. You gave ALL of yourself to your daughter, you’re one of the best mothers I’ve EVER “known.” And it’s just not fair or right (not that anything in this situation is) that you feel anything but proud of anything and everything you did as a mom.
Kathryn says:
Your pain is like the strength of a hurricane right now and I know there’s nothing I can do or say to take that away…although I wish I could. I sooo wish I could! I just hope that one day it feels more like a breeze to you, rather than the hurricane. It’s painful for me to read your words, so I can’t even imagine the real pain.
But like Kimberli wrote above, reading your blog has changed me. I no longer shoo my daughter away in the middle of the night when she wants to sleep by me. I’ll gladly deal with the loss of sleep and the elbows in my face and feet in my ribs since tomorrow is not a given.
I know there’s no way to ever replace Madeline, but I hope you’re blessed with an easier pregnancy one day and another baby to hold and snuggle with. I think that might be the only thing to help ease your pain.
Sending you many many hugs!
Susan says:
I’m so sorry. Remember, there is no prescribed way to grieve, it is unique to everyone. That’s why no one should ever say “I know how you feel” because even if they too have lost a child, they don’t know exactly how you feel. The stages of grieve are not supposed to be experienced in any particular order, many people repeat through them again and again and however you grieve is okay. Be patient and gentle with yourself. Maddie would want you to be as loving to yourself as you were to her. Thinking of you, S
Mary C says:
I wish I had something to say to you that for one second could take the pain away. If I knew you in real life, you could have my shoulder to cry on and if there were no tissue you could have my sleeve.
You’re a wonderful mama. Dance slow today.
Lots of hugs with love.
charlane says:
Who could ever be expected to accept that their child is not with them. TIme will never heal such a wond, but it will help to dull the pain. today is not a good day, but tomorrow you may remember a funny story about Madeline that will not bring tears and despair, but rather a smile knowing that she brought so much joy to everyone she met. I will pray for your safe today and happier tomorrow.
.-= charlane´s last blog ..The Cake is Awake! =-.
Jessi says:
I come here everyday to see if you posted something.
This is your way of healing.
You arent giving up any memories, no you are sharing them with the world and thats your way fo healing. Of course it is painful and it will take time and it wont ever stop completly, but I think you are doing everything you can.. Dont give up on yourself.
I wish I could take some pain away from you. Just remember there are so many people praying for you and your family!!
I am sending my love!!
.-= Jessi´s last blog ..Nikon or Canon? =-.
kristen says:
heather,
your openness and tenderness in this post is at once heartbreaking and inspiring. i believe that being so in touch with your emotions, even the really bad ones, is a rare and precious gift, and i truly believe it will serve you well on this journey through grief, one that belongs to you and that nobody can ever define. i think it was this same ability of yours to love maddie so openly that gave her such a happy, bright life. i wish more than anything she were stil here with you. i wish you didn’t feel any more guilt. i wish you feelings of love and peaceful moments in the midst of this great sorrow.
you and mike and maddie are always in my heart. xxoo
pgoodness says:
“They” don’t know everything. And no, healed is probably the wrong word – you’re surviving, you’re sharing; you’re not alone. xoxo
eden says:
Heather, you’re right. You probably won’t be “healed”. But I have faith that you will pick up all of your broken pieces, somehow put them together, and go on.
The very instant you realised your beloved, precious Maddie was gone, Heather … your Spirit started to plot its own survival.
I am angry for you, too. It’s not fair, a million times over.
I’m raining love on you right now. XOXOXOX
.-= eden´s last blog ..Colourful, Swirly Skulls =-.
Sarah says:
I am not sure anyone can ever been healed after the death of a loved one. The definition if I remember is to make whole, to restore to its original state. After living through this kind of loss you can’t help to be a different person. I lost the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with 15 years ago. We spent seven wonderful years together and I could not wait for the day we married. He died only moths before that day. I will never be the same and I still think of him daily. It hurts less but it still hurts and I still long for him. I still wonder what if… and I still imagine what our lives would have been like. Your Maddie changed my life. Your words changed the way I live. I had become hardened and realized I just wanted to make it through each day. Everything was a chore. I did not want to be bothered by another question from a curious little girl but now, now I push my computer away and I wrap my arms around her. I welcome her any time she feels the desire because I know, I remember now how these moments could end at any moment and I must absorb them. Thank you for that. Thanks to Maddie for that. And thank you for sharing her with us.
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..Life gets in the way… =-.
Sarah says:
*sob* *sob* *sob*
No advice, just love.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Hi Heather,
I agree with Sarah… Just sending my love and hugs.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..My latest power struggle =-.
Lori says:
My heart aches for you and your loss…..I have no words, just prayers and a stranger walking beside you as you navigate a road that no one should ever have to travel…..
Krissa says:
I can’t find the words my heart wants to say. So again, all I have are (((Hugs))).
Janeen says:
I echo what Amanda C, Susan, and Mary C write above, so this is hardly an original helpful thought.
I do wish I knew you in real life, but all that I do know and have read tells me you ARE the most wonderful mother who, never for an instant, failed her daughter- during her pre-natal life or other. This blog is your therapy and whether you know it or not, you’re doing so much already to help yourself.. maybe even all “pushed” by Maddie herself @ this point in time. Through your words and outreach, thousands (if not more) of other parents and [virtual] friends cry daily with you, and have come to know and love her. She is every much a part of your life and future as we want to believe she is; you’ll be re-joined in heaven. Until then, she’s laughing and playing in perfect health as your guardian angel, every moment she does share with you.
Leigh Anne says:
It has been 4 years and 2 months. I guess I will never heal either because I will never accept that he is gone.
I have read all that stuff about grief and healing. You get to a place where you can survive and somewhat move one. You never accept. I guess the way I get through it is that I imagine that he has gone away on an adventure and some day I will be on that adventure with him.
No, never acceptance. And, for the record, you may go through one of the steps of grief but you can go through it again. Still at this point I go through it all again on his birthday (which really is the worst), the deathiversary (never call it the anniversary because anniversaries are to be celebrated), and other days of significance. Remember, you do get to the place where you do not cry all the time or do not cry every day. You will go through all the stages for the rest of your life but at different degrees.
Most of all, remember that the way the you go through the process is unique to you and unique to Mike. Both are fine. I told my other kids after Micah left that it was alright to scream, cry, and be angry. It was not alright to take it out on each other or someone else. That is the only rule.
Megan says:
You love Maddie with your entire being. How could you ever think that you in some way failed her? I wish that I could take some of your pain away today.
.-= Megan´s last blog ..Putting it back together. =-.
Valerie says:
What is someone supposed to say to make things better? Is there really anything to be said? My heart breaks for you. Seems like you’ve been posting on here more lately…hopefully this is the therapy you need in order to heal. I am, again, so sorry for your loss.
Therese says:
I am sorry you are going through so much pain, I think about your family everyday. I remember when I was younger I was told to get over a guy you were dating you had to give it the amount of time you were together, maybe a bad analogy. But with that said if that is the case I can’t imagine the time it would take to get past loosing a child, or if that time ever comes, maybe it just lessens. I am not sure where the 7 steps come from, but not sure you can put steps like this to loosing a child, I can imagine it would take a lot more than that. I do wish with everything inside of me that you will start to heal, that the pain will lessen.
.-= Therese´s last blog ..Launching New Website =-.
Trudi says:
I have been reading your blog for weeks – got it from the Matt and Maddy site and every day I read it and feel so sad. Having kids – I can only imagine how I would feel but would never say I would know how you feel. Just that it’s OK that you feel the way you feel!!! Thanks for letting us come into your life and share your thoughts. Know that there are lots and lots of people praying for you!!
Deborah says:
I just don’t know what to say. Nothing will make it better. Time may take off some of the edge, but that doesn’t make you feel better now. You and your husband are going through the worst thing possible in the whole world, and I can’t imagine what it is like to live in such a daily hell. We are all here listening to you, though, and we all care about you, even if we don’t know you personally.
Ellen says:
Marking my morning by thinking of you & Mike and beautiful Madeline.
Jennifer says:
I never agreed with the 7 stages of grief. Most people think this means the stages are linear. But the truth is that it is fluid; meaning that instead of moving in a straight line, you are, rather, all over the place, hopping back and forth between the stages.
I prefer John Schneider’s (a psychologist and professor at the Department of Psychiatry, Michigan State University) explanation of the “phases” of grief. I think they are easier to recognize and understand. They also are more realistic in recognizing that you will never “get over” your loss.
Phase I: Discovering what is lost. The task of this first phase is to discover how bad the loss really is. What is its extent? In how many ways is it affecting us? We spend time discovering what we have lost, what isn’t there now or what’s no longer possible. With time, this painful discovery process gives us a picture of just how extensive this loss is, as best we can know.
Phase II: Discovering what is left. When we’ve found out the extent of our loss and then go on, a process of healing begins. We find out what keeps us going, the sources of support and nurturance which helped us make it through the darkest times. Even though we’ll still revisit and extend our awareness of the loss, in this second phase we turn our energies toward finding out what we have left to live for. We find ways to remember what we’ve lost and restore what we can.
Phase III: Discovering what is possible. The tasks of this third phase are to discover life’s potentials, having accepted the reality of the loss and the limits on what one has left.
Noelle says:
Thank you for sharing this, Jennifer. It makes so much sense.
.-= Noelle´s last blog ..When God was giving out heads… =-.
Ms. Moon says:
I keep wanting to leave you a comment, to tell you that we are all out here, following your path, still mourning for you. But I never have any words to offer. Your grief is like a bright fire and there is nothing, I’m afraid, that I can say to calm those flames.
I can only say that you are allowed to burn as brightly as you need to for as long as you need to. Or must.
.-= Ms. Moon´s last blog ..Fever Dreams =-.
Jenni says:
Heather,
I sit at my desk every morning and check in on you. I cry over your words and I feel so lucky and privileged that you share all of your thoughts and emotions with me as I read your entries. I love hearing every little detail about Maddie, and I hope you continue to share everything that you can.
You and Mike are in my prayers every day, and I do believe that you both are going to help each other get through each hour. Please know that I think of your family every day, even though I don’t comment much.
Pamela says:
I’ started reading you blog several months ago. I too was in shock when Maddie died. I don’t think anyone ever heals completely when they lose a child. You’ll always have a piece of you missing and it never grows back. You might as well be missing an arm or a leg, just no one can see tha tit’s missing and there is no prosthesis for it. You just learn to survive, to go on, to live your life like any other amputee. It’ll take time… lots and lots of time.
You are in our prayers.
Pamela
.-= Pamela´s last blog ..Just a couple of new pictures… =-.
nic @mybottlesup says:
no, my love… i fear you will never heal… and my guess is that no parent ever heals after their child has passed away.
how could you? how could you possibly?
you are brave though you may not feel like it. you are strong though my guess is that you feel weak and tired.
you are loved. through every stage, however many times you experience these stages… forever.
you are loved.
.-= nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..well done. =-.
MG @ MommyGeekology says:
Nic said it so well. You are certainly loved. Maddie is loved. I believe that she can see all of this, see how her life has and still is making ripples across the world.
Perhaps you won’t find acceptance in the way that you would expect – no mother can simply accept and move on – perhaps acceptance needs a new definition here. Perhaps acceptance is simply the stage where you finally, eventually, find some peace in your life. I haven’t lost a child… but I hope that you have a chance for peace.
.-= MG @ MommyGeekology´s last blog ..Brutally Honest. =-.
Chris in NY says:
Keep writing…every day. It might not feel, right now, as if it’s helping. But one day, you might look back and think, “Thank heaven I’m not carrying all of that around in my soul. I poured it out into my blog so it wouldn’t poison me.”
I’ve never lost a child, so I don’t know even a fraction of the pain you’re feeling. I lost my father to cancer in 2005 and I can tell you that whoever coined the term “Time heals all wounds” was a moron. I’ve never healed from his passing…I’ve simply learned to live with it. Instead of crying every.single.day for him, I might cry once a month. Instead of replaying his illness and subsequent treatment/torture, I replay the funny things he used to do and say.
My thoughts are with you every day. I check your blog in the morning AND evening because I don’t want to miss anything. Somehow, I feel compelled to share this grief with you and Mike.
Hugs to you all.
Heather says:
I wish that you and your husband, will some day be able to find Peace. For now, use the memories of your daughter and the times you shared to guide you to that peace.
.-= Heather ´s last blog ..Stolen Idea: Friend Makin Monday! =-.
Suzanne says:
I suspect you know all this but I will say it anyway. You were the best mother for Madeline. She was happy. She thrived. She overcame incredible challenges. There was nothing, NOTHING that you did wrong…and so there is no reason — NONE — to feel guilty.
I see the pictures and videos and this much I know: you did a tremendous job at loving and caring for her. I may not know how to ease your pain. I may not know why the universe did this to you, Mike and Maddie. But I do know that she was the happiest, most loved, and most cared for little girl. And I know that if only all children could be so happy, loved, and cared for, many of this world’s problems would be solved.
Thank you for your blog. One other thing I know — you are helping your thousands of readers face their grief, their tragedies, and the challenges in their lives.
Alli says:
I wish I could bargain to take your pain away, even for just a day. You may not have been holding Maddie when she passed, but she knew everyday amazing day of her life that she had imense love from her parents and many others.
Never question your feelings. Allow yourself to scream, cry, be angry, and also laugh. Maddie is all around you and will always be your special angel.
Kelly says:
Oh honey….
This is so very fucked up… Couldn’t be moreso if it tried… Your beautiful Maddie should be in your arms right now.
I would do or give anything (short of losing my own baby girl – but certainly anything else) to give your Maddie back to you… Nobody should have to go through this.
And what nic @mybottlesup said. All of it. And a whole lot of what most others have said…
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..New office chair =-.
Lisa says:
I don’t know what to say today, not that I ever really know what to say. Reading your words made me mad at the universe, cry for you, and cry for Maddie. I wish I could take some of your pain away, but I can’t. I wish that I could tell you that one day it will get better, but I don’t know that. So I’ll just send you tons of love and many hugs.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..19 Months, Where Does the Time Go? =-.
Kim Wencl says:
Life is always about choices. You can choose to always live in the pain of Maddie’s death if you wish to … or when you choose to, you can choose to be grateful for the time you had with her. You can choose to look at life differently, and each time you smile, you laugh, or you do something nice for someone else you can choose to do it in honor of your daughter.
It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
.-= Kim Wencl´s last blog ..The Countdown Begins =-.
Alexandra says:
I think you are doing it all so perfectly, absolutely led by Maddie, just like your mothering.
When I think of all of us out here that you help with these words.
I need you to tell us only a bit at a time, all of it at once would’ve been too much.
You are pacing it perfectly, and letting it go oh so slowly.
I can see Maddie leading you, in letting us know little by little.
I dont know how you can even put 3 words together…wait, yes,I do. Maddie. For the love of Maddie.
Jennifer says:
I can’t imagine ever accepting–it doesn’t make sense. I hope that someday the pain lessens a little for you and Mike.
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Pretty in Peony =-.
Gillian says:
Hey sweet mommy. I have nothing to help you. So, I’m going to do the only thing I know to do. A feeble attempt . . . it’s a pirate joke. Pirate jokes are my go-to device when nothing else will work. Here goes.
Q: What was wrong with the pirate’s blind date?
A: Arrrgh, she be havin’ a sunken chest and no booty, arrrgh.
Courtney says:
I wish so deeply that I could take your pain and suffering away! God Bless!
Courtney in New York
.-= Courtney´s last blog ..Long Awaited…Movie Review! =-.
anymommy says:
You said it all. People are not books or stages or case studies. You are living it, with such courage. Love to you.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..Maybe Baby =-.
Aggie says:
I don’t think anyone expects you to ever fully recover from your loss. Maddie was a part of not only your life, but she was a part of your soul and a part of your heart. Nothing will replace that. I wish I had some great words of wisdom that I could give you to help take some of your pain away. Unfortunately I’ve known many people who have lost a child and I know from talking to them that the pain and longing don’t subside with time – it simply gets easier to bear it. You get used to the pain and you learn to live with it.
I only hope that you and Mike can eventually move on and find some happiness in life. I know you will always hurt for your beautiful Maddie – I also know that she would want her amazing parents to honor her life by living theirs. Just give yourselves time. Nobody is expecting you to be ok anytime soon. Hopefully, in time, you can feel some happiness again.
Many, many (((hugs))) to you and Mike. I think of you daily.
Molly says:
It’s an understatement to say that it sucks to be you right now. I hope that this won’t always be true.
Rah says:
If you find those “stages” helpful, that’s fine. However, the truth about grief is that it is very indivdual. Truly, you are not necessarily “supposed” to go through any particular thing or stage, and whtever you personally go through is your grief. My heart just aches for you. Know that you and your family are in the thoughts and prayers of many.
Michelle Pixie says:
{{{{HUGS}}}}
I hope for you that with time your loss becomes bearable.
Meg...CT says:
heart-breaking….peace, friend.
Jenn says:
OOhhh Sweetheart….your words today….so honest, so raw. I wish the love and compassion each of us feel for you could be made into a blanket that could hold you tight…shelter you for the hurt and pain and bring you solace and love.
I can’t blame you for never accepting the loss of Maddie. Even as a stranger, I too struggle with that.
I know this to be true…YOU Heather are an amazing mom and I’m sure Maddie knew you and Mike were ALWAYS right there with her. The strength you have is incredilbe – whether you realize it or not.
One small step at a time my friend. Remember to breathe and never, ever forget the impact not only Maddie has had on our lives, but also you have. I am honoured to know you and I would be blessed to be your friend.
I think of you daily, weep for you often, pray for you constantly, and cherish the memories, pictures and video’s you so generously share of Maddie. Thank You.
With much love and respect,
Your Stranger Friend,
Jenn
Lori says:
Grief is like a river as it ebbs and flows. Time passes and eventually the waters may calm, just to send a wave crashing into you without warning. This cycle of grief is continous. Do not hold yourself to stages in order to be “completely healed”. Just stand in the river and let the water flow.
AmazingGreis says:
I have no words.
Just know that I’m thankful for your stories, your pictures, for Maddie’s beautiful smile!!!
XOXO
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..Confirmation… =-.
Notesfromthegrove says:
I would do ANYTHING to take away your pain, sweetie. I really would. I think almost everybody who comments you would. Just know how much love and support you have. I know that probably doesn’t help. Why is life SO unfair?
.-= Notesfromthegrove´s last blog ..Brent’s Going Away Party =-.
Sunny says:
Popping in as a counselor again… you do NOT need to go through all stages of grief in order… you do NOT “solve” one and move on to the next… and you may NEVER stop revisiting some of those stages.
Grieving is not a linear process. You may swirl around in various stages for a long time… and after the horror of losing your child, probably forever.
But on a more hopeful note, healing is when living life gets easier. You will never forget her, you will never be fine with what happened, but you will find yourself more willing to get out of bed, put one foot in front of the other, and greet the world.
What I was taught is that there is no wrong way to grieve. It’s about working through the pain, which is very personal… and it’s more important to focus on getting to be a functioning person again, not to obsess over stages or worry about grieving “correctly.”
You will grieve, but you are a strong woman and you will feel better, slowly. You can — and will — live a good life with the memory of Maddie always in your heart, every day, every minute.
I am praying for your peace and comfort.
.-= Sunny´s last blog ..I’m back (and better than ever) =-.
Jamie says:
I know it’s been said a million times, but things will get easier. It won’t be so crushing every day and as a far as acceptance? I don’t think you’ll ever accept what happened. I think what acceptance really means is that you learn to live in new place you’ve been forced to come to.
.-= Jamie´s last blog ..Menu plan Monday =-.
Amy says:
I think the last stage – acceptance – is the hardest one to even fathom. How can you accept the loss of a little girl so loved and cherished? I don’t think anyone expects that of you dear Heather. I wish there was something I could do…
holding you and Mike in my thoughts… as always..
Summer says:
Just sending you a hug.
.-= Summer´s last blog ..Preserving our memories =-.
Kelly says:
Healed? Never. How do you ever heal this? I think maybe the word should be cope. I think, in time you find a way to cope. I saw my Grandmother go through this. Her baby died at 19. If I look at pics of her before my FIL died and I look at pics after he died, and she was never the same. It’s as if she had to re-learn everything all the way from waking up in the morning to actually smiling and enjoying a moment again. She said when she was able to function again, minus the guilt and fear of judgement from others, it was freeing. But there was always a piece of her missing. She hated it, but she accepted that it was the way her life was now. She never completely healed, my friends who lost their baby at 13 will never heal either. But they are muddling through.
SC says:
Brilliant post. I think you put into words so vividly what any mother who loses her child would feel.
The seven stages of grief may always be present in your life, but we have to believe that in time our pain from losing a loved one will heal.
You are a remarkable woman and writer. Maddie would be so proud of you for helping others through your writing. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with your readers.
.-= SC´s last blog ..Swinging Weekend! =-.
Kerri says:
Heather, I have been reading your posts for the last 10 weeks. I cry for you and Maddie. She was so beautiful.
I work part time for the MOD… I am also the mom of two former preemies.
I pray for you and your family. I hug my children close to me everyday, so thankful to have them… even more so since reading your blog and “getting to know” your family. My heart hurts for you. I get angry when I think of this happening… I wish I could do or say something to make the pain go away. I know that you are probably sick of hearing this… but Maddie has touched so many lives and she does live on… I know that does not help and you might want to punch people who say that to you right about now… but it is true.
Just run with your feelings. There is not right or wrong in this whole process. Know that so many of us are holding you up and will continue to do so…. even from across the country.
Kelly says:
sorry…hit enter by accident. I think that people who are looking in at your world will have a way of making you feel like it is time to be healed…but you need to take the time to be able to cope. It’s too soon to see improvement in your everyday feelings. It takes years and lots and lots of ups and downs. You will get there, but you have to allow yourself years, not months. Its a frustrating and maddening process and I think its unfair for anyone to have to go through this. Those doctors seemed cold, but they knew they only had a limited amount of time before it was fruitless. It would be have been nice for them to explain that in a kinder way, but I can imagine when you are faced with losing a baby more than once, their exterior gets a little rigid. Thanks for sharing, it is healing to everyone who cares so deeply about you, Mike and Maddie.
patois says:
Of course, there’s nothing I can say to help. I will continue to hold you all in my prayers.
.-= patois´s last blog ..Haiku: Walls =-.
MMG says:
I’m a “new stranger” but I’ve been reading for a few weeks or so, and I cannot begin to say how much I am praying for your strength, peace, hope and love, as well as for those who care deeply about Maddie and her family.
This Friday I am taking the first step of my US Medical Licensing Exam. My dream is to become a pediatrician — and more specifically either a neonatologist or pediatric intensivist. I will be thinking of Maddie on Friday.
Jackie says:
Love you
mrs. chicken says:
Loving you from afar and taking your words to my heart. Wishing I could soak up some of your pain.
.-= mrs. chicken´s last blog ..The Voyeur In Me (And You) =-.
perksofbeingme says:
please know that I too would do anything to bring Maddie back. I love you so so much.
.-= perksofbeingme´s last blog ..Moments of Devin =-.
Miss Grace says:
.-= Miss Grace´s last blog ..SHINY HAPPY THINGS =-.
Casey says:
I think it is entirely possible, probable even, that you will never be healed. I mean this in the way that when we have a deep cut, we do mend back together, but there is always a scar there, a memento of our injury. You will always have this injury. How could anyone expect differently?
That doesn’t mean you won’t also find room for things like joy and peace. They will just share space inside you with this loss. It will be a new you, a new Mike, made up of what you have experienced and what has been taken from you.
Thinking of you, and getting ready to send a package (so check your mail!)
.-= Casey´s last blog ..Banana Split =-.
cindy w says:
I think acceptance is a horrible name for the final stage of grief. You don’t have to accept it, I don’t think anyone expects you to. But I hope you do find peace someday.
Love & hugs to you and Mike.
.-= cindy w´s last blog ..weekend recap, pink hair edition =-.
binkytowne says:
Sweet Heather.
Please know that so many of us have our virtual arms around you (and Mike), hanging on to you tightly to help keep you steady during those sonic booms.
I wish for you today and everyday, a little bit of peace.
.-= binkytowne´s last blog ..Portrait of Almost Toddler in Multiple Acts =-.
Della says:
Been speechless a lot lately. I think part of it is that I’m logging in later in the day, and I don’t have anything to add that hasn’t already been said half a dozen times.
That’s not to say that I’m not processing what you’re writing, or aching for you, or wishing that I had an uplifting word.
But since I’m having a hard time gathering my words, I’ll just leave it for now – again – with a note that I think of you daily, here online and just in my car or during my regular day. You own a little part of me and it stays with you even as I go about my life.
.-= Della´s last blog ..Not Me! Monday, Tornado Edition =-.
Jennifer says:
Heather,
I’m just so sorry. It’s so unfair.
Love, Jenn in CA
tara says:
heather, my heart aches for you every day and i am so so so so so sorry. it’s so unfair. all i can do is say that i am wrapping you (and mike) in hugs and sending you so much love. xoxoxo
Becky says:
I don’t think you’ll ever be the same person. How could you be?
The grief I’ve known isn’t anywhere as horrifying as yours so I won’t bother telling you about what I went through after Joey the Mean Hamster died (relief, primarily. He hated me).
And shit, Heather, I’m about as up-lifting as a fart joke. I love you, I love Maddie, and I love Mike. T-minus 3 days?
.-= Becky´s last blog ..Come Fly The Unfriendly Skies =-.
Vicky says:
Not much to say. I think about you and Mike and Maddie EVERY single day. Maddie has made me realize that every single day is a precious gift.
Lots of Love, hugs and prayers from AZ
.-= Vicky´s last blog ..Temper =-.
AMomTwoBoys says:
Love you. xoxo
.-= AMomTwoBoys´s last blog ..Lessons Learned from Weekends Past =-.
Alison says:
As we drove through LA yesterday, we could see the church for a bit. It hit me again.
I can see how you and Mike, with Maddie at the center of your world (and Maddie had you two at the center of hers), live through that all.the.time. And I hate that it is this way and that Maddie is not there with you guys.
xoxo
.-= Alison´s last blog ..In Honor of Finals Week… =-.
Meg says:
So so sorry for you. I visit your site daily and it helps me be a better mom. I think of you and your family daily and I hope that someday the pain will lessen for you. You did not deserve this. Your daughter is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story.
Tami says:
If I was in your shoes I dont think I would ever heal either.. I am sorry Heather and I wish I could make God give her back. It wasnt fair he took her. You dont know how many time I question my Faith. It was so unfair what you and Mike had to go threw. My heart aches for you both evey day and I shed my tears for you every time I read your blogs. It just isnt RIGHT!!
Love and hugs.
Randi says:
Oh Heather – you have accepted that she’s gone. When my husbands father passed away he didn’t accept it and actually still talked like he was going to come into the room. He never visited his grave site or ever “talked” to him. He really believed that his father was still alive.
You’ve accepted her passing in my eyes and are absolutely and thoroughly pissed about it. Accepting doesn’t mean you’ve “gotten over” it – no parent should EVER get over the death of their child. It’s not natural and it’s not right.
You can, however, be supremely pissed about it because it’s NOT natural and it’s NOT right.
I agree with some other commenters – what’s happened with Maddy has made me even more aware that I need to cherish every day with my children because you never know what can happen, so thank you for that, and for continuing to let us into your lives.
.-= Randi´s last blog ..A Virtual Scarlet A =-.
Katrina says:
The space in your heart right now is full of Grief. One day Joy will enter your heart, and it will share that space with Grief. Grief will fight for dominace, and will win most of the time. Then in time more Joy will enter your heart, and in more time yet more Joy, etc…and one day Grief will only have a small corner of your heart to live in. It will always live there, but it won’t dominate the space. It won’t be able too, because Joy will outnumber it.
Is this what they mean by acceptance? I don’t know. I suppose acceptance isn’t accepting that your loved one is gone, but perhaps accepting that there will always be Grief living in one corner of your heart. You just get used to Grief living there, and the best that you can do is fill your heart with more Joy than Grief.
And that…takes time. I wish I could speed that up for you, but no one can do that. And that sucks.
Your post made me tear up
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..Avery’s First Holy Communion =-.
Beth says:
Just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you and your gorgeous little Madeline. I love reading all your posts. Her smile lights up my computer screen each time. It seems to me that she touched more lives in 17 months than most people do in 80+ years.
You are all in my thoughts.
april in NJ says:
I haven’t posted lately b/c it seems everyone has said it before. But this post tore me up Heather… I’ve never had to grieve for anyone, but I grieve for your Maddie. I hope that, as others have said, it does get easier as time passes… I think it has to, I hope hope hope it does for you and Mike. Sending lots and lots and lots of love and hugs from NJ.
Kristy says:
I’m so sorry Heather. I will be hitting the one year anniversary of my sons death in just a few weeks and I feel like I can’t breathe. I wish I could hug you…mainly because I could use a hug from someone who understands and who wouldn’t judge me right now.
Love and hugs!!!
.-= Kristy´s last blog ..Does it ever stop? =-.
Erin says:
I cry for you…i miss Maddie….and i wish so hard there was something…anything i could do. Maddie will always be in my thoughts….
Pamela says:
oh mama, it’s going to be okay, it’s going to be okay, it will, it has too, it’s going to be okay…………..
Michelle says:
Dear Heather,
I have assured my boys they will “get through” the grief of losing their dad but we will NEVER get over the fact he is gone. Taking one day at a time is the best advice I can give….or hour, or minute – depending on the “weight” of the day.
Everyone does deal with things differently – be gentle and kind to yourself and your spirit. You love freely and openly and your wound is the deepest of deep…just like your love for sweet Maddie.
I hope you are finding some relief by sharing with us….sometimes getting thoughts “outside” of your head eases the load (at least for me).
Please know, you are truly an inspiration. Although, I know you’d prefer not to be given the devastating circumstance….
Hugs to you!
Michelle in Herculaneum
Amanda/Baby A says:
O Heather.
I’m not sure how many times I have already told you this, but I will keep telling you. So here it goes again:
I think of you, Mike, and Maddie everyday.
My heart hurts so much for you.
You’re an amazing woman for bringing Maddie here and for sharing her and for now surviving through this soul-crushing tragedy and being willing to write about it.
Sending love
Lady Lemon says:
Maybe losing a child is one of those things you never really heal from. You move on, it gets easier, but that hole is still always right there.
You’re taking it day by day. Right now I think that is all you can do.
But, you have us. Here to listen and love you, for what it’s worth.
.-= Lady Lemon´s last blog ..Good Shit, Bad Shit =-.
Andrea's Sweet Life says:
Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry.
.-= Andrea’s Sweet Life´s last blog ..Future Mothers-in-Law =-.
Jen says:
I’m so very very sorry. It’s just impossible to try to understand life sometimes. So f’ing unfair.
Peace and hugs.
.-= Jen´s last blog ..A Day With The Carnies =-.
Nicole says:
I don’t think the term ‘acceptance’ means you have to accept that she’s gone and not coming back. I think it’s that you RECOGNIZE that she’s gone and you can find some peace in that she’s in a better place. It’s that you RECOGNIZE the good times and the bad times. It’s that you RECOGNIZE she is and always be your little girl. Acceptance means you will always miss her and want her back, and you’re ok with that feeling. She will never disappear or be forgotten and you can accept and recognize that and be ok.
Angelique says:
I lost my sister just over 4 years ago when she was 24 and I was 27. I was with her when she died as the paramedics were giving her CPR. She had been sick, but no one thought she would die. I was the only one home with her at the time of her death, and I also feel guilty for not holding her hand as she died. I don’t know that I’ve accepted her death, but I can now realize what her life and death have given me, as selfish as that sounds and feels. I have two children and cannot fathom the pain of losing a child, because losing a sister was bad enough. Your daughter is beautiful, and I hope you keep writing.
mama2addie says:
Heather, (((HUGS))) to you.
Kymberli said it the best. I no longer take moments (be it cuddles, scream fests, etc.) with my daugher for granted. Every moment is a blessing.
Please know that Maddie lives on in my heart.
Keep writing.
.-= mama2addie´s last blog ..Fashionista in Training =-.
Maria says:
I think of your beautiful family every. single. day.
I can’t imagine anything healing the Madeline-shaped hole in the world.
.-= Maria´s last blog ..give it away now =-.
Deb says:
Heather –
Nothing I say will make it better. Nothing anyone says will make it better.
Lost my daugher seven years ago and, while I have some peace, I do not have “acceptance”. I know it happened, of course. But I don’t have to “accept” it. I’ve learned that just because I haven’t accepted the fact….sadly – the fact still remains. She’s not here. And I wish everyday that she was.
Know that we all care about you and Mike and your family and many, many friends. There is much love out here for you. I only wish that love would make it better.
Glenda says:
Maddy will live forever! thanks for sharing her with all of us! I am sending you hugs! XO
Erica says:
Dear Heather,
So many wise, wise words above, I don’t feel that I can offer much but I have to tell you yet again what an amazing Mum you are and also what an amazing lady you are. Your precious Maddie’s life made such a difference not only in the hearts and lives of all the people who knew her but also in so many others she didn’t know. The World Famous Maddie will never, ever be forgotten.
A few years ago I read the very moving book Hannah’s Gift by Maria Houdson, since learning about your Maddie I re-read the book and want to share a part with you on ‘compasion’; Maria Houdson writes “compassion does not feel sorry in the face of suffereing; it knows that all suffering is its own. When we recognise this connection between us and everyone else, we know that we belong to each other; we do not suffer alone”. Heather, please know that you and Mike are not suffering alone. There are so many people all over the world who would do anything to ease your suffering and your grief. Please know we are all here for you.
Thinking of you, dear Heather.
With love
your stranger friend, Erica in Luxemboug
Bec says:
I have no idea what you’re going through Heather, but I honestly don’t think you ever really heal. You might move forward, but how can you ever move on?
All my love.
.-= Bec´s last blog ..The one that proves I’m a sucker =-.
Cat says:
I come here every day to read, to watch, to “sit” with you and try (unsuccessfully) somwhow to absorb some of your pain through the screen of my monitor. Usually I’m at a total loss for words, like today, but I always take from YOUR words a sense of urgency. I call my parents. I tell my family what they mean to me. I offer to help a friend. Because I know, from your pain, that I won’t always have those chances. They could disappear in an instant.
.-= Cat´s last blog ..Longfellow Deeds =-.
Ninabi says:
I wish I could sit with you in person, listening to you.
You, who did everything right and possible and wonderful as a parent alongside your spouse who was a good parent, you have been placed in the most unacceptable place in the universe in the loss of sweet, wonderful Maddie. It was so wrong and so unfair and it is so very sad that good people such as yourselves lost so much.
There was a recent article in the Guardian UK about parents who have lost children. One mother remarked that if you lose a spouse you are a widow, if you lose your parents you are an orphan, but if you lose your child- there is no title for that, as if that position was so terrible people could not even bring themselves to give it a name.
You loved your little girl so much. Please know I am thinking about you every single day. I’ve shared your story with other friends and relatives, those without computers and they wish to extend their sympathies as well.
Angie says:
The comments on guilt really made me weepy for you. As a fellow mom, I know that there is no such thing as unraveling the love we have for our children. We are interwoven with our children, no matter how old they are, we are, and regardless of who birthed them. Of course I pray that God will shoulder your pain.
Trisha says:
Thinking and praying for you every day as always.
Tina Hosko says:
Oh Heather. I just hate, hate, hate that this happened and that you are forced to live your life without your perfectly amazing daughter. It is just so, so unfair and it makes me so damn sick and angry. Try to keep breathing Heather. I love you.
Dawn Taulli says:
I am so sorry for your loss. Maddie was truly a gift from God and I don’t know how or when but you will get through this because God never gives us more than we can handle. You and your family will never be the same because Maddie touched and changed your heart!
Although my current situation is slightly different believe me when I say I understand your pain, I pray all day long that my baby makes it out of the hospital almost 3 months after his birth.
Hang in there and have faith….sometimes thats all we need or have!
Deidre says:
All I can say is I am right with you in your thoughts. I agree with you completely.
.-= Deidre´s last blog ..Home Funerals =-.
jana says:
I hear you Heather and I hold your words in my heart and wish I could take a bit of the pain away. I can tell you that I care, and so so many people do. I promise to send that to you, every single chance that I get—sending it again, sending it in spades. We’ve never met, but your path and your words and your journey matters to me.
.-= jana´s last blog ..Frolic on Friday =-.
Sara says:
It’s hard to know what to say without without sounding like a flake or an asshole.. But I’ve had experiences that have forced me to believe there’s more to life than passing on and the end of the physical body.
When it comes to the passing of a child, I don’t think we ever heal. Over time, they seamlessly become a part of us and we never let them go.
Nancy says:
My heart literally goes out to you. I have been and still grieve for my daughter. You said so much of how I felt when I lost her almost 4 years ago to brain cancer. I wish I could hug you and I know you are a stranger.
My condolences to you and your family.
S. Renfrow says:
My thoughts are not original, as most of them are reflected to me by what some of the others have already said; however, I still feel compelled to comment…to let you know I care deeply. I feel so much pain and sadness when I read your posts. They are so real and so raw. Thank you sooo much for sharing your story and for sharing Maddie. I am a better person because of it.
I believe wholeheartedly that the pyscho-babble of the grief stages is just that…babble. How could one ever accept the loss of their child?! That’s just plain impossible! My heart hurts that you would feel even an ounce of guilt. You were an AMAZING Mommy to Maddie- it is so obvious! You two went together like peanut butter and jelly and she was so lucky to have you. Really.
Can I just say that losing Maddie is so unfair and I can’t accept it either?! I’m sorry, Heather.
Julie says:
Your pain actually makes me cry just to read about- I can’t imagine how devastating it must be for you. I am so sorry. I think we all just ache for you.
avasmommy says:
I read each entry you write. I cry at all of them. My stomach aches and I feel nauseated thinking about what you have been through, and continue to go through. I cannot begin to fathom what you deal with on a daily basis.
All I know is I hurt for you. I hug Ava tighter because you can’t hug Maddie. And I want you to be able to so desperately.
Hugs, Hugs, and more HUGS.
.-= avasmommy´s last blog ..Rufus =-.
avasmommy says:
Heather,
I read every post you write. I cry at each of them. I hope you are finding some healing by writing them, and telling Maddie’s stories.
I hug Ava tighter because of Maddie. She was, and is an amazing little girl.
HUGS, HUGS and More HUGS to you.
.-= avasmommy´s last blog ..Rufus =-.
Debbie K. says:
Those seven stages of grief have been mentioned so many times in brochures, websites, etc. You are right, the acceptance part would be almost impossible. I lost a brother at a young age and I don’t think my parents ever got to the “acceptance” part. I have a friend who just lost her 28 year old daughter to a drunk driver. Here is her blog address: http://tuggingonmyheartstrings.blogspot.com. She is, also, reading your blog. She is having an extremely tough time. Maybe something she writes will help you get by if only for one day. Maddie is a beautiful little girl and she brought so much joy to all. Mary, although older, was the same way.
God Bless and email me if you cannot get the blog to work for you. I think about you everyday. Love, Debbie K.
.-= Debbie K.´s last blog ..Our Little Princess =-.
Jen says:
Grief is an odd thing. We, as a society, know it exists but we don’t really ever expect it to happen to us. I recall one of your previous blogs in which you wrote that you were not prepared. The kind of loss that you and Mike have experienced is something that no person can ever be prepared for. So for anyone to expect you to fit the “grief mould”, it’s just insane. There is no right or wrong way to mourn; it is only what you can do to make it through each day the best way that you know how.
Maddie was and still is such a life force. You and Mike were her biggest advocates. I can understand why you are feeling guilty about her passing but it really was not your fault. You did everything you could for your little girl. And it may seem like a crazy idea but maybe once all the fog clears, you will see that you can use your experiences with difficult pregnancy, NICU stay, and hospital visits to be an advocate for other premature babies.
The last stage of grief almost seems like a joke. How could you ever accept that you are to live the rest of your life without your daughter? But maybe acceptance for doesn’t mean having to accept Maddie’s gone. Maybe it means understanding that what happened is unacceptable and unnecessary. Maybe one day, as it says on your March of Dimes link, one day all babies will be born healthy so that this pain won’t ever have to be felt again.
susie says:
I come to your blog to check in on you and mike regularly and am so sad and heartbroken for you each time.
I can only offer my thoughts and prayers for your family.
Krysti says:
Acceptance…wow. I can’t imagine being able to accept losing your child.
I continue to think of you daily, Heather.
kay says:
the grieving process is way different for everyone – faster for some than others, slower for some than others, and sometimes people process it the rest of their lives. though incredibly dark, there is nothing more beautiful than the process of human grieving – it is a reminder that science is yet to figure out true love, a reminder that our species is inherently good & full of kindness for our offspring.
your story inspires thousands – thank you for sharing it with us.
and i’m so sorry, still.
.-= kay´s last blog ..Daughter by Nicole Blackman =-.
April says:
Wow! Your words are so powerful and so very true. Maddy is so lucky to have a family who will never ever let her legacy fade. Thank you for sharing your daughter with all of us and for being so honest about your feelings.
jayne says:
my heart aches for you.
i wouldn’t either.
.-= jayne´s last blog ..supergirl =-.
Amy says:
I am so sad for what you witnessed that night and for what you have to remember every day. Thinking of you in Oregon, Amy
amy says:
I have to agree with the others, you may ‘heal’ to some degree but you will carry the scars of this very sad situation forever.
But there is hope.
My parents lost my brother to suicide some 19 years ago and I never thought they would LIVE again. They were completely shattered for a long time.. But they did start living again; they have never ‘gotten over’ the loss of their son but they are doing their best to enjoy life after all these years.
Having just lost Maddie it is so understandable and heartbreaking hearing what you are going through. Of course you are grieving and it is hellishly hard. I am so sorry.
Keep writing and getting it out, it has to be helping somewhat I hope, if only to get it out of your mind for a moment.
Mary @ Holy Mackerel says:
I think you are so right. I don’t think a parent can ever heal from losing a child. Ever.
.-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..Llamas and Alpacas, Oh My! =-.
Becki says:
How can anyone ever accepting losing a child. It is unfathomable.
Patty says:
Oh sweetie you are healing. Every day that you are alive, every day that you are writing, every day that you love your beautiful sweet little girl, you are healing. What you wont ever do is forget, and why would you want to forget the sweet angel that graced your life for a glorious months? I know it is in NO WAY, shape, or form an easy process, but you are on a journey. Your sweet girl is still with you, always will be with you, patiently waiting for the day that you will see and hold her again, and I do believe that you will be with her again when it is time. Always love here for you and Mike from Arizona!
.-= Patty´s last blog ..Sunny days! =-.
kathy says:
*hugs*
Mary from WA says:
Oh sweet girl…words cannot express. You remain in my prayers.
“There’s no tragedy in life like the death of a child. Things never get back to the way they were.” President Dwight Eisenhower.
.-= Mary from WA´s last blog ..Doesn’t Everyone… =-.
Traci says:
Who the hell came up with those stages? I almost lost my little girl at 2 months old. She suffered from apnea due to prematurity and although I didn’t lose her, I still feel guilty for how much she struggles with everyday tasks. I would need to be put in a padded room if anything were to happen to either of my babies. You are my Hero for the strength you possess and for sharing your feelings with us strangers.
.-= Traci´s last blog ..Sitting Outside… =-.
Jackie in Detroit says:
My heart breaks for you each time I read your blog. I think of Maddie often even though I am a complete stranger (directed to your blog by Matt Logelin and an acquaintance of Nanette P.) Your loss and your story obviously touch many people. Thank you for giving us a humbling glimps of your happy times with Maddie and the struggle that lead your family to this tragic loss. I hope this blog serves as an outlet to help you deal with your grief. You are not alone.
Childwoman says:
This hurts so much…and I am so helpless..I wish I could lessen your pain in any way..Heather..I really wish..
Jo-Anne Goyder says:
Well, I lost my “baby” at age 18 , seventeen years ago.
I think those stages are meaningless, and certainly not linear. I went through a long stage of looking for help, or hope or answers from reading these things and that is utterly a normal thing to do- there is such a huge hole that needs to be filled doing SOMETHING having to do with the child you lost.
Things do….resolve….become a new sort of normal…a stasis of grief is reached but it is a long time down the road. The new you will be different but you will feel normal to yourself after a long time. Yet, it can always jump out at any moment, as if it happened yesterday, but here is the difference- those times are almost welcomed- they are like a little connection to him -of COURSE i will always miss him. Does any of this add up?
I guess to say that where you are now, in a year, in 5, in 10, in 17 will be exactly where you need to be at that time.
I am so so so so sorry that you have joined this ….ghastly club….. of Moms who have lost children-I wish I could say something helpful-knowing that, really nothing helps but love and time. She was so so beautiful.
(Now a happy Gramma, still a grieving Mama)
mythoughtsonthat says:
My sister’s baby died nearly 13 years ago and I know she relives moments with her baby like she was just here yesterday. The cut heals but there will always be a scar. Faith….Hope….Love….Peace.
.-= mythoughtsonthat´s last blog ..Nine =-.
mrhc says:
The journey of grief is different for each of us. That is the healing part of it. Time will help even it doesn’t seem like it right now.
Love and hugs to you as well as prayers that all will become as you need it to become. We miss Maddie too.
Jacquie says:
I’ve been reading of Maddie for the last 10 weeks. I’ve never commented as I just don’t know what to say.
This post touched my heart and I’m sorry that you and any other parent has had to write it.
Lacey says:
I could have written this post myself, just changing slight things to apply it to my situation. But don’t focus on doing things how you read that they are “supposed” to be done. You’ll never, ever get over what has happened. How could anyone? I know I’m in denial every, single day that Landan will never be with us this lifetime, etc. It’s no fair. Takes losing a child to realize that life … really isn’t fair at all.
-Lacey-
.-= Lacey´s last blog ..3 Cases of Bacterial Meningitis in Ohio =-.
moosh in indy. says:
You forgot the eighth stage.
Shopping.
(and possibly ninth. Eating.)
xoxo
Kate S says:
I read an article last year saying that recent studies show that you don’t move through those stages in linear fashion. You can go back and forth or skip some stages altogether. This certainly has been true in my experience with grief, and mine is nowhere near as devastating as yours.
I don’t think you will ever be healed. It’s not something you get over. How *can* one be “healed” from losing a child, the complete and unconditional love of your life?
I am so sorry, Heather. I cry every time I come here. I also smile at Maddie’s beautiful face and the stories of her life that you so eloquently share with us. I think of Maddie every day. She has affected my life more I ever imagined a person I never met could.
lisa wood says:
Heather, how can you go through all seven stages? I am not sure how you are coping as well as you are.
Because of Maddie and your brave stories I now take more pleasure with life….More photos of my kids, more hugs and kisses and more time.
Life can get in the way and its the little things that matter.
Because of your sweet Maddie I am trying every day to be a better Mum, so thanks for her precious smile, laughs, and her gorgeous eyes
She will never be forgotten, and your stories help us to remember what is important in life.
Wish i could take your pain away…..
Love you guys
from a distance
xxx
.-= lisa wood´s last blog ..Arthritis =-.
karen says:
You’re in my prayer box. I’m so sorry for your heartached. We’re praying for you.
My mother lost a baby. My nephew and his wife lost their 2 children ages 5 and 2 in a tragic car accident.
We know heartache…not that this help but know we’re all praying that God give you comfort and rest from the hurt.
Amy in Oregon says:
Heartbreaking…..
There is a whole world who would do anything to bring Maddie back to you and Mike….
Leslie says:
I am angry too. I miss Maddie.
Nina says:
all of you are in my prayers.
.-= Nina´s last blog ..Fresh Basil…… =-.
lesley says:
it’s okay….really…I think you are doing amazing….I read your posts…and feel like if it were me…I think I would be in a dark room…or i would just die right along with her….
I think the saying…you never get over it….you just get through it….is how I feel it really goes….that you learn how to get through each day….where you can actually maybe smile….breathe a little easier….and maybe not feel like you will never be happy again….
you’ll grieve the way you need to…I don’t think there should ever be a right way to do it….
as usual…my thoughts are with you
.-= lesley´s last blog ..The Beginning….and hopefully the end =-.
amy burger says:
Your pain is my pain. I read your blog, cry, feel guilty for being a voyeur to someone else’s pain and agony, promise myself not to read anymore, then come back hoping and praying that you have found some glimmer of healing. I wish there was something I could do to relieve your pain.
A total stranger,
Amy Burger
Keri says:
Oh goodness, I hear you. I am five years into the loss of a loved one, and I certainly haven’t moved permanently through those 7 stages of grief, and I doubt I ever will. I have found that grief is not an entirely forward motion, it’s back and forth and all over the place. The only two things I know with some certainty are that grief is a great equalizer (in a way I didn’t understand before, I realize who and what are truly, truly important in my life; petty stuff just doesn’t matter at all anymore) and, while the pain never leaves , time does seem to dull its sharp edges.
My thoughts are with you and your family.
LDW says:
I have custody of two beautiful children that, prior to being with me, never experienced even one day comparable to the ones you gave Maddie EVERY day. Sweetie, you are the best mom any child could wish to have. How blessed your little girl was to feel security in your arms, love from your heart, and amazed by the awe in your eyes. I can’t begin to imagine your pain but I do know that your family has touched so many. I am sad that your great loss is what led me to you but I thank you for sharing all that you do. I pray you find some peace.
.-= LDW´s last blog ..Greatest Mom Award =-.
Shellie says:
I’ve read for weeks but never commented- every time I log on, I just feel like I refuse to accept that your little girl is really gone. It seems like it can’t really be true. I see her pictures and hear your stories and I think it must all be a mistake and you will surely tell us tomorrow that it was all a mistake. But every day, your posts end the same way, and I just keep thinking it can’t really be true and it doesn’t make any sense and it isn’t fair and it isn’t right and it shouldn’t have happened and I don’t understand and I can’t even imagine being you right now. I am so sorry.
My daughter was stillborn five years ago. Her twin sister was born at 26 weeks, but she survived – it took a long, hard road, but she survived. A couple of years after my daughter was stillborn, I read a book about grief called Surviving Grief… and Learning to Live Again, by Catherine Sanders. Okay, somewhat dramatic title, but she has a good concept, I think. She offers five stages of grief –
shock, awareness of loss, conservation and the need to withdraw, healing, and renewal. She writes that we can cycle back and forth between the stages of grief and not necessarily finish one and progress to the next. Although I don’t believe my loss to be as profound as yours, I found the book to be helpful at a very difficult time. I am sorrier than I can even say.
Venti Vixen says:
(((HUGS))) I think of you guys and Maddie every day.
.-= Venti Vixen´s last blog ..An Open Letter to that Unfit Mother in Safeway =-.
Laura says:
You don’t have to accept the loss of your daughter. Not ever. You were dealt a shi*tty hand and it is not fair. You WILL survive it, you WILL experience joy and happiness again. And that is what Maddie would want for her Mommy. But you don’t have to accept it. And you don’t have to heal completely from it because how can you, really? What you can do is live a life that she would be proud of, and fill your time with love, laughter and memories until you get reunited with your precious little angel. Sending you hugs and prayers as always. xoxo
Mama Kat says:
My heart hurts for you. And I mean that truly. No parent should have to experience this…I can’t even fathom. Thank you for writing. You’re a beautiful writer.
.-= Mama Kat´s last blog ..Writer’s Workshop: Say Goodnight! =-.
Mama Kat says:
I wonder how many of us leave comments and regret not turning the “comment luv” off…some of them seem so inappropriate.
tiff says:
Heather,
It is the hardest journey of your life that you are on.
For me, the anger has almost gone but there are still flickers some days.
There are still days of absolute sadness.
The bargaining and the shock are gone
The guilt for me has never gone away and I still find it hard to accept that I will never see my son grow up and I am five years along.
You are right, I think. You never really heal from losing your baby.
Karen says:
Acceptance does not have to mean accepting her having gone.
Just the acceptance that you could have done no more, loved no more nor prayed no more for your beautiful daughter. Accepting that may just make the next few hours easier.
After that find something else that you can accept about your life.
Little steps on a long, long road to peace
Tina says:
Sorry just doesn’t cut it, I know.
I am so painfully sorry for what you have been through, are going through, and will continue to go through.
I think Maddie was the most loved little girl in the world.
You are great parents!
Joie says:
I can’t put into words how much I think it SUCKS that Maddie is not down here with you…And I agree with so many of the comments on here – I SO wish that I could just take an ounce, a drop, a anything away from you for just one day. But…I can’t. I pray for you to eventually find peace within yourself to forgive yourself…but that is much easier for me to say from where I sit, isn’t it? Remember – Maddie loves you and SHE doesn’t blame you. Plain and simple. You are her mommy. You may never accept that she isn’t here on earth any longer, and that’s understandable. I can’t imagine I would either…I just hope you eventually find a way to only grieve her not being here physically and stop blaming yourself for things you have had no control over. Loss of control sucks too…but if Love alone could have kept her here…well, she wouldn’t be up there with her angel wings. You will see her again. Her and her beautiful smile. And the hugs and snuggles you give each other will be more than you ever could have dreamed.
Talon says:
I apologize if I’m bothering you, replying to old posts.
But I found this poem, early on and felt that it adequately described how I felt about the death of my child, and even the death of my grandparents who died the same year. (bolding mine, if html works)
Dirge without Music
Edna St. Vincent Millay
I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.
Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains, — but the best is lost.
The answers quick & keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love,
They are gone. They have gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.
Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.