Today I waked through a door, and for just a moment I got a whiff of Jackie’s perfume. I took another breath through my nose, but the scent was gone.
Jackie is completely unresponsive now. It’s impossible to imagine. Impossible.
Over the last few days, Jackie’s Facebook page has been flooded with photos of her from people who have known her from all stages of her life. There are pictures from her elementary school days all the way up to snaps from just a few weeks ago. It’s amazingly powerful to scroll through the messages of love and support mixed in with the pictures of Jackie’s smiling face. It’s a huge testament to her…the pictures keep coming, the notes keep being written. She is loved by so many.
I uploaded dozens of photos of Jackie to Facebook. Between picking out photos of her, and looking at the ones our friends have chosen, I’ve remembered tons of great stories. I can’t help but smile.
But as Jackie slips away, it’s getting harder for me to look at them…to know that sparkle in her eyes and smile is gone….knowing that soon, she will be, too.
KaraB says:
My heart hurts for you. I know Jackie is in a lot of peoples thoughts and prayers tonight.
Jenn says:
Hi Heather,
I too have visited Jackie’s page (she friended me on F/B) and looked at all her pictures. Although the pictures vary, one thing ALWAYS remains the same…..Her Smile……Her BEAUTIFUL SMILE!!!! It litterally lights up the room. I’m glad to hear you are able to smile while you look at the pictures and remember the stories. I don’t know Jackie well but with the contact I have had with her and then witnessing how many people love and adore her, I know Jackie would want you to SMILE while you remember the times you’ve shared together.
It is hard to believe someone so full of life can be slipping away but, I know she is. It’s not fair but as you know all too well unfortunately, life can be cruel sometimes. I am happy to read she is a peace and isn’t suffering.
Looking at the pictures and seeing all you two have done together, all the great times you shared makes me smile. I’m really happy you had Jackie in your life for so many yrs and I have no doubt you will continue to carry her with you many more yrs to come. A friendship as close as yours never dies Heather. Just as I truly believe Maddie is never far from you and Mike, I feel like Jackie will be the same way.
As the days pass I wish you peace and comfort. The grieving process is never an easy one so please be kind to yourself and do whatever makes you feel better. As this journey continues, please remember….You are an amazing person Heather….Jackie is lucky to know and love you like she does. A love like that never dies….even when the person slips away.
Sending you much love, support and friendship. xoxo
Lilian says:
No words, just support, and letting you know we are all here! xx
Becca_Masters says:
Much love and hugs x
Lisa says:
I’m so sorry, Heather…
Sue says:
My heart aches for you, Jackie, and your families, Heather. My thoughts are with you all……………………………………………
Siobhan says:
Heather,
My thoughts are with you, Jackie, and your families. I swear I smell my mom’s perfume and flowers in small spots for the briefest of moments. Thinking of you
edenland says:
I’m here. I’m so here, and I understand.
Sweetheart Heather. XXXXX
Beth Mariel says:
Keeping you and Jackie in my heart, always.
Megan says:
I don’t have words to adequately express how sorry I am so just know that I am sending thoughts and prayers.
J+1 says:
She will always be with you. I am keeping her in my thoughts every day.
My mom keeps a bottle of my grandmother’s perfume in the bathroom. Every so often, she sprays it into the air while she’s getting ready for the day, and she says it feels like her mom is there with her for a little while. I think, maybe, that she is.
Elizabeth says:
Thinking of you……
TamaraL says:
Her sparkle will live on through you…I’m so sorry you and her family are having to endure this…will continue to keep you all in my thoughts…
Mommy Boots says:
I have been thinking about you all a lot. My heart is with you.
Lisa says:
Love and hugs Heather. Keeping Jackie and you and all those who love her in my heart and in my thoughts.
Sara says:
Hugs and prayers. Thinking of Jackie and all those who love her.
Becca says:
Continuing to send love and support to you & Mike.
This is impossible to comprehend.
Lanie says:
Sending you and Jackie hugs and peace. I am so glad that you can look at the pictures and smile. xoxo
Jessie says:
Love and support coming your way and hers — lots of hugs too. I’ve smelled roses when there’s no flowers in sight and know my aunt is around, at first it was heartbreaking — now comforting.
Kelly says:
Heather, I am just so sorry. I am praying for your comfort and peace.
Pattie says:
Keeping you, Mike, Jackie!, and her family in my thoughts and prayers.
discountchica says:
Nothing Ic ould say could make this any better AT ALL… I just wanted to drop a note to say I am thinking of you.
Courtney says:
I can only imagine how much you must be hurting right now. I’m so sorry.
Madeleine says:
My heart is breaking. Praying for Jackie and all her family and friends.
Laura says:
I`m so so so sorry. That`s not enough to say, but I don`t know what words I could possibly add.
HeidiLee says:
Your blog is the first I read in the morning…anxiously I checked this morning and my first thought on reading it was that she was checking on you. Jackie! was letting you know that SHE is fine……Life is so unfair at times…hugs to all..
nicol says:
Couldn’t have said it better HeidiLee.
Please know that I’m thinking about you, Jackie!, her friends and family. Much love to you.
gwen says:
I thought the same thing that Heidi did. You, Mike, Jackie! and her family are in my thoughts.
Jamie says:
There's nothing else to say.
Skye says:
Jackie!’s sparkle will live on through you and everyone whose lives she touched dearly. But that is not enough. I am so sorry.
Mindy says:
thinking of you & wishing i had the right words….
Susan says:
Heather, I am so so sorry for you, Mike, Jackie! and her family and friends. What an amazing life to impact people so profoundly. She is very blessed to have such supportive energy carrying her through her journey. Hugs to you.
sara says:
My thoughts and prayers to you in the coming days, Heather. I’m so sorry. Jackie sounds like such a bright light and it’s wonderful all the sweet memories you and so many others have with and of her. Much love to you.
Lindsay says:
The sparkle in her earthly eyes and smile is gone, yes. Her body will let go soon too. But I just can’t bring myself to believe that the sparkle of Jackie’s incredible spirit will ever be gone. It will live on in her family who writes so beautifully about her; in her amazing friends, like you, who hold her memory. Jackie’s sparkle will be seen in the eyes and smiles and lives of those who someday beat this horrible disease because of all the outrageously inspiring fund-raising she did to spur more research for a cure. She’ll still sparkle. She will.
It doesn’t make this any easier to bear. But I believe that will all my heart.
Stacey says:
You are such a strong woman!
Julie says:
Sweetie, she is gone already. Her spirit has moved on, her soul is free. Just her body is still here, until it lets go. Know that she is already pain free, and soaring….
Nicole says:
So, so sorry for this, Heather. How one person can be expected to bear so much is beyond me. Please take good care of yourself.
Veronica says:
I too check this blog every morning first thing. and every morning I am yet again so amazed at how strong you are Heather. I am so impressed with how you are able to express your grief. Anticipatory grief is real, it is what you are experiencing. As a member of the healthcare community actively involved in end of life care, Jackie’s! comment to you about not dying slowly is very common, yet for you to say she is now non-responsive tells me that there is someone she needs to hear from, someone she needs to hear say that they will be alright without her. Someone in her life needs to give her permission to move onto the next life, but only she knows who that person is. It sounds so crazy, but it truly is what many people wait for – that one last visit/conversation.
You are beyond lucky to have spent time with her, to say goodbye. While it is the single hardest act when losing such an amazing friend, you will be alright, she will be there with you along this journey. You may not see her, but she is there with you.
Shannon says:
I am so, so sorry. I lost my maid of honor and dear, dear friend to cancer at age 28 two years ago, in a situation somewhat like you are experiencing now. It was awful, but also miraculous to have been able to see her and to exchange our love for each other before she passed. Her smile, laughter, and the sound of her voie still ring in my ears and give me courage to do things that I might otherwise be able to do. But still. None of this is fair. It’s awful and horrible that such incredible, loving, amazing people have to leave us before we are ready for them to go. Sending you love from Colorado.
Christine says:
I lost my grandmother in a similar way a few months ago. It was terrible to slowly watch the woman that I knew and loved slip away slowly. Closer to the end, she didn’t even realize that she was sick. She thought she was on some sort of vacation. I was somewhat thankful for that. I’ll be thinking and you and Jackie in the next few days.
Veronica says:
Heath,
I know positivity isn’t what you hear during times like these…BUT the same way that God blessed you with Annie when he called Maddie to join his Legion of Angels, he will bless you when he chooses to call Jackie! Everything in this world is about balance. The flames that burn the brightest are also the ones that burn the fastest, as was the case with Maddie and Jackie!
When the time comes, I think the name Jackie! (exclamation and all) would be most fitting. Hun, you’ve got yourself two of the most beautiful, radiant, joyful guardian angels this world (and those beyond) has ever seen. The whole Spohr clan is in for a wonderfully guided and protected future. Please stay strong…hard as it may be/as much as it sucks to lose her in her terrestrial form.
Gamanda says:
Continuing to think of and pray for you and Jackie! Wishing something could make this easier.
Tami says:
Im So Sorry Heather. The news about Jackie is heart breaking.My prayers are with you and all her family.
Nasrene says:
I’m so so sorry. So very sorry to hear this news. Prayers for her family and all of those who love her. Another life ended too soon. I can’t help but think that now she will be on the other side with Maddie, and together they’ll both be watching and loving you from above. HUGS.
marslo says:
I’m thinking of you and Jackie! a lot these days, Heather. I have no words, except to say that I wish things were different. I wish peace for Jackie! and all those who love her.
Susan says:
Its the waiting game that is the hardest..Ive been through it with my parents and my sister. It never gets easier. May GOD bless her soul…………
Gopali says:
Hey heather, love and prayers for you all and Jackie!
Shannon says:
Thinking of you and sending hugs.
Kate Ross says:
May we all be blessed enough to love and be loved like Jackie. Praying for you Heather and Mike.
Melissa says:
There really are no words. Sending lots of love and hugs to you all.
Amelia says:
Light and love to all of you. I think of you often.
A says:
Sending lots of love and hugs to you.
Lisa F. says:
The sparkle in her eyes and her smile will never be gone while she has people who will love and remember her after her spirit has left this earth.
So sorry for your loss.
Terri says:
I’ve never had such a close friend before, so I can only imagine how much it would hurt to lose one. I’m so sorry you have to experience loss again. Keeping you and Jackie! and her family in my thoughts. I bet it was her this morning, just checking on you.
Erin says:
So sorry to hear that Jackie! is not doing well. May you find comfort and peace in the memories you have shared with your dear friend. You have had to endure more in a few short years than most people will their entire lives. You are in my prayers.
MJ says:
Having lost too many friends to various causes, I can tell you this-someday you will be able to look at those pictures and remember the good times. And sometimes you won’t even cry. Hugs and love to you and Jackie and her family.
Auntie_M says:
Sending you much love…may you be surrounded by love that will wrap you in comfort & safety & hold you tight while you grieve your precious friend.
Tricia says:
I watched my papa die like this. It seems insane to think that what you are watching and waiting for is happening to a person you love so much. It’s not fair. It sucks. It is heart breakingly and gut wrenchingly horrible. Love to you. So much love to you, mike, her friends and her family. She’s beautiful, she’s special and I am so sorry that you are all losing her, especially like this, right now. Xo
sarah says:
sending you, jackie and her family prayers. My heart breaks for all.
Jess says:
I’m so sorry Heather. I say a prayer every night before bed and every morning when I wake for Jackie. I know it’s hard and man it sucks. I lost my gram 10 years ago to cancer and we were very close. Her birthday is August 16. I’m feeling the pressure in my chest as the day gets close. But remember we love you, Jackie loves you, and she knows you love her. And she knows she has a world of people out there who love her and are praying for her, and we’ve never met her. We just know she’s special.
Glenda says:
Thinking of you, Jackie! Her family and friends. Peace and comfort during this difficult time!!
Amy says:
Much love to all that love Jackie! now and in the future. So sorry you are losing such a great friend.
JustAMom says:
Your friendship reminds me of that saying (and I usually hate the way it’s used!) Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. While it’s usually some line delivered when someone breaks up, in this case I can’t help but think if you and Jackie! Of course it’s stupid to say don’t cry, but it just fills my heart (and makes me a bit envious!) that you and Jackie! have such an amazing friendship. What a blessing it is, and I it’s so obvious how much you cherish and appreciate it. You two are SO lucky to have each other. I hope it brings you a small amount of comfort to know she’ll be with your Gram, your Aunt, and your precious Maddie. So many wonderful people in your life, but they were taken way too soon. Thank you for continuing to share your life with us and for reminding us daily, whether you intend to or not, to count our blessings.
Auntie_M says:
Heather,
Just saw the sad news regarding Jackie! (on her CaringBridge page) and her final battle…my thoughts, love, and prayers are with you now more than ever. I know to say this is a “difficult time” is to understate it dramatically. I am so, so dreadfully sorry for the loss of your dear friend.
Through you, your words & pictures, I was introduced to an incredibly brave, intelligent, beautiful,and joyful woman–and I know what we saw via your blog was just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to Jackie!. My heart breaks for your loss. Please know you are not alone, but surrounded by those who care for you and are holding you up in prayer & love even while you may feel alone & lost.
My deepest sympathies are with you and Mike and little Annie who will one day recognize what she has missed in not having her honorary auntie around her longer than her 2+ years of age. And of course my heart goes out to Jackie!’s family as well.
Much love, my dear…
Nikki says:
Hi Heather,
There are no words adequate enough to describe how sorry I am for your loss. No words adequate enough to describe how beautiful of a woman Jackie! seemed to be, and how she touched so many lives. Please know that someone is thinking of you and holding you up in my thoughts and prayers from the other side of the US.
XOXO from GA,
Nikki
Sirena says:
Heather, that’s such beautiful writing. I hope that Jackie’s sparkle never really leaves your life – that it’s what we get to leave behind, our impact on the lives we touch. I’m sorry about all you have lost so far in life, and I’m so sorry you are losing your best friend. I can’t even imagine. Good luck to you and her family and my thoughts are with you.
Mrs. O says:
Heather, Mike and to all of Jackie’s family and friends, I am so sorry for your loss. I really don’t know what to say, I only hope that you can find some peace in the wonderful memories you had with Jackie.
Cristy says:
I’m so sorry to hear of Jackie’s passing. Thank you for sharing her with us. I don’t know if I believe in heaven or not but it makes me smile to think that if heaven is real, Maddie was there to welcome Jackie into her new home. Thinking of you all.
Barbara says:
I spent some time today looking at your pictures of Jackie on FaceBook this morning. What an amazing personality shining through every picture. I’m so sorry for your loss. You, Mike, and Jackie!’s family are in my thoughts.
Karen says:
Jackie, I am sorry. Heather and Mike, I am so sorry. I don’t recall what brought you to mind exactly, but along my drive home from work yesterday evening something made me think of your dear friend and of you.
Sara says:
My heart breaks for you, and I just pray that someday, you can find peace of mind.
Dawn says:
I’m just a lurker and do not know either one of you but your words just made me sob. I’m sure the pain you are going in is unbearable.
Mary says:
One more person here to tell you that you are all in my thoughts…
I can’t imagine all that you have gone through. I just can’t. You have had to endure more loss than anyone should, and the death of someone so clearly wonderful is cruel in every way. But your love for Jackie, and hers for you, doesn’t end now. It will always be there and always flow both ways.
Her story, along with Maddie’s, sticks with me and with many others. I hope that is some small comfort.
Her life had purpose and meaning, and she was loved. Thank you for sharing her story with all of us.