The weekend before Madeline got sick, I got crazy motivated and decided I was going to get organized. While Mike played with Maddie before we went to a birthday party, I pulled out all the clothes that were in the closet she and I shared. Maddie had just had a big growth spurt, and suddenly things weren’t fitting her anymore. So I made piles of the clothes to pack away, piles of the clothes that still fit, and piles of laundry. I also made piles of my own clothes. Everything was in neat stacks on the floor in her room, next to a brand new pack of diapers in a bigger size.
When we got home from the hospital on April 7th, I walked into her room and remembered the organizing I’d been doing only days before. I realized people would be coming to my house, and I took the stacks of clothes and threw them into our shared closet. And there, for the next five months, my clothes and hers lay intermingled on the floor.
Yesterday, my mom and I finally went into the closet. We pulled out my shirts and dresses, her onesies and pants. I came across some of her laundry, and it still smelled like her. I remembered the pears she’d joyfully smeared on one of her shirts. She loved pears.
My mom carefully built new piles of clothes, hers and mine. We hung up dresses and shirts, hers and mine. Our clothes are sorted, but nothing else is.
If Binky is in fact a girl, will we use Maddie’s clothes? The answer is no, and maybe. There are some outfits that are so “Iconic Maddie” that I can’t imagine anyone else wearing them. When I’m ready, I’ll put them somewhere special. The other clothes will be taken on a case by case, moment by moment basis.
If Binky is a boy, I know everything has to be packed up. And that will be even harder. To have to pack up my daughter’s things to make room for a new baby feels like such a betrayal, even though my brain tells me it isn’t. Maddie and her sibling would have been sharing a room, but since Maddie isn’t here, it doesn’t seem right to have her stuff taking up tons of space in a room that soon won’t be hers.
Mike and I struggle with what to do with Maddie’s things once the new baby is here. We want to do what’s right for the baby, but we have to do what’s right for us, too. Until then, Madeline’s things will be in neat stacks, waiting.
Noelle says:
I don’t have answers or advice. Just hugs and prayers to send your way.
.-= Noelle´s last blog ..If you can’t say anything nice… =-.
mindy says:
They can stay in their piles for now. One day you’ll know what to do with all of her things.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of your family. We all share a tiny part of your grief and will always hold it in our hearts. Sending love to your family.
Sharon says:
There is no right or wrong… you just need to do for you.
Be well..
Sharon
tiff says:
I gave most of Will’s things away, even though Noah came along just 18 months after he died I just couldn’t use them. I kept a couple of things but most things, including blankets and bedding, I gave away.
You have to do what is right for you. There is no text book way to do this.
Thinking of you.
Kelly says:
It SO isn’t a betrayal. Maddie knows that Binky is her brother or sister, not her replacement. It would be more of a betrayal to turn her room into a shrine and spend your whole lives doting on what could have been to the detriment of any happiness that you can find. Maddie was such a happy baby, she would want happiness for you. For Mike. For Binky.
I know it is easier said than done, but please don’t feel like you are betraying Maddie. The whole world can see that you have loved Maddie so much more in the short time between her conception and now than some people get to experience in a lifetime. I believe that you still love her more and more each day.
Hugs to you all.
Laura says:
Very well said. I second that. Maddie would want her new baby to experience all the love and devotion that she got from you guys.
Laura says:
I just re-read my comment and I hope it didn’t come out wrong- OF COURSE I know you will be completely devoted and in love with your new daughter (or son), I just meant I wish I could take away any feelings of betrayal or guilt that you have because you are so not betraying your darling Maddie in any way. Anyone who has ever known your family or can read your blog knows you two are the best parents that any baby could ever hope to get. (((Hugs))))
Patty says:
I feel like I couldn’t have put it into words any better! U would never betray maddie and she knows that! She’s watching, loving, and waiting patiently until u r reunited. I truly do believe this! Also, I am so very happy that you did this and it still had her smell! That is so special!
.-= Patty´s last blog ..Here I am, thanks to Legolas! =-.
Young Momma says:
You will do what is right for you… but I would maybe consider donating what you are willing to part with. Donate to a battered womans shelter, or somewhere where there are needy little girls??
You’ll do what is right for you and Mike though. My thoughts are with you.
.-= Young Momma´s last blog ..The Question =-.
Susan (woo222) says:
I agree with the other commenters. There is no right or wrong, no shoulds or shouldn’ts, no definitely yes or definitely no. Do what you want and need when you need to and know we all love you. ~Susan
.-= Susan (woo222)´s last blog ..Mason =-.
kathygee1 says:
Keep doing what you are doing…taking things one day at a time. You will work it all out when you are ready. Sending a big hug to you, and keeping you in my thoughts.
.-= kathygee1´s last blog ..First Day of Preschool =-.
annie says:
one of my friend’s moms took a bunch of our college t-shirts and used the front “logos” to make a quilt. that way, we always had the memories, but not the piles of tees we never wore anymore. maybe someone could help you make a quilt using all of maddie’s favorite outfits, that way, they’d always be near to you.
if you don’t know someone who could do that, and you feel you could trust me, i’d be honored to make it happen.
you and mike are in my prayers!
.-= annie´s last blog ..Party Time! Excellent! =-.
Amy says:
When my cousin passed away after an accident at the age of three, my aunt and uncle had a quilt made with her favorite clothes. It is beautiful.
Chrissie says:
There is actually a company that you can send the clothes to, and they will make a blanket out of them. Mckmama did a give a way with the company. Im sure she would remember the name if thats what you decided you wanted to do.
Kate says:
Here’s a site for the memory blanket, although I know there are many more out there.
http://www.mapleberrydesigns.com/index.php?/memory-blankets.html
Laura says:
What a lovely idea!
Ann says:
Great idea! When my grandfather passed away we made a lap blanket with all his old ties on them. It turned out beautifully and it was a great way to remember him and have his things close.
Marti from Michigan says:
THAT is a fabulous idea! I second that thought. I kept many of my adult daughter’s baby clothes in boxes that I still have. She is now 34 years old and right now, I am sorting through many of her cute little outfits and clothes she had later in her life, her teen years, etc. I am going to buy a Queen size sheet and start pinning those items to the sheet and then sewing them on. Then I will get some quilting from the fabric store and sew that on the back of the memory sheet. Voila, a memory quilt!
Della says:
This is what I was going to suggest, too.
(I’m glad I read through the comments first before posting, so I could just say “yep, that’s a good one” instead of posting it as if I was the only one with the idea!!)
This kind of quilt would work both for using as a comfort item, and for hanging on the wall as a tribute (tapestry). Or, you could use the front logo parts for a wall hanging, and make a second quilt with the back pieces to use as a lovey for you.
debi says:
I love the quilt idea. it could be a real “comforter”.
Monique says:
I like Annie’s idea. You could then pick your favorite outfits, ones you definitely want to save and snuggle with them anytime. As long as whoever puts it together doesn’t wash them so it preserves her smell. If not then I would preserve them in a chest. Or donate them to friends of maddie babies. Follow your heart and take it one day at a time. Hugs & prayers always.
Amy says:
This post really touched me. It must have been very difficult to face that closet, those clothes. It took me a very long time to open the box of boy clothes meant for my son Owen, who died at 2 days of age. Once I did, YEARS after his death, I knew there were some things that would be forever HIS and that I needed to keep – the few outfits he wore in his short life, and the outfit I bought to bring him home in….and a few things I knew he would want to share with his little sister. The rest we donated or gave to a close family friend. It sounds like you’re on the road to knowing, too – Maddie will understand the choices you make!
All my best,
Amy
Erica says:
O dear sweet Heather, I took today off work to organise my house including my daughter’s clothes (she’s just turned one and has just outgrown her 6-9 month clothes), in fact I’m just taking a break now from sorting piles in her bedroom. I have tears in my eyes as I read your words. My heart continues to ache for you every day. Its just not fair. Your precious Maddie should be with you. Of course you and Mike must do what is right for you both with Maddie’s clothes. What ever it is you do decide to do, your special Binky bean will always understand. A part of Maddie will always be in Maddie’s room. There will be so many precious memories and photos of the Wolrd Famous Maddie to share with her little Binky, Maddie will never, ever be forgotten. The World Famous Maddie has such a special place in my heart, as do her amazing parents and the Binky Bean.
One day at a time dear sweet Heather, you are such a strong and courageous lady. Sending you a great big hug from afar and a hand to hold.
With love
your friend, Erica in Luxemebourg
Jenny says:
Ugh… their stuff is so hard… impossible… It hurts to see it, but it hurts to have it too far away…
When our first daughter died, a friend of mine suggested we have some of our favorites of her clothes made into a quilt. I loved the idea b/c I hated the idea of her clothes being packed away and me never seeing them, but the thought of pulling it out to go through her clothes broke my heart too… So I went through her clothes and pulled out all my favorites… which was a mighty big pile of clothes. There wasn’t room for all of them on the quilt, but tons of my favorites made it in… My favorite first out fit is sewn in the shape of a bear w/ the Gap bear from it made into a pocket on the bear… The logos from my favorites of her T-shirts (mostly organizations that were important to us in her battle against cancer) were all cut out and sewn into their own special square. My favorite square is green checked back from a dress, w/ a couple of frogs from that dress (she loved frogs) strategically placed, and a part of my fave bathing suit of hers that looked like a pot holding a flower sewn in the middle and a couple of butterflies from a favorite nightgown sewn on too.
I don’t tell you all this b/c I think it really matters to anybody else what on our Catie quilt, but just to show how very much the quilt reminds me of her. When I’m covered up in it (like I am right now), I feel like I’m wrapped up in her. We keep it hanging across the rocking chair in our great room and we all cover up in it at various times.
We’ve also tossed around having a Catie quilt made for the 2 children we’ve had since then (one was born a week after she died, another 2 years later). We haven’t done it yet, but I hope to one day. If you want I can send you pictures of some of the squares to give you an idea of what our quilt looks likes. Just shoot me an e-mail if you want.
Thinking of you guys as you continue to weather rough days… There’s nothing easy about it, but it does eventually quit getting harder and you do find your new normal…
Hugs,
Jenny
.-= Jenny´s last blog ..A Good Day =-.
Kathleen says:
What a beautiful thing to do.
Katrina says:
Such a wonderful way to wrap your child around you, daily if need be…. with a big quilt made of her clothing.
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..End of Summer =-.
charlane says:
There is no wrong thing to do. It would not be a betrayal of Maddie or her memory to use the clothes for Binky, or to give them to another child in need. It would not be wrong to keep then boxed, or to sew them into a quilt. It would not be wrong to never move them from where they are. It would be right for you to do with them whatever feels right to you.
.-= charlane´s last blog ..A Few Things That The Cake Has Taught Me =-.
AmazingGreis says:
In time, your own time, you will know what to do with Maddie’s things. Until then there is no wrong or right answer. Cherish the memories that you do have!
XOXO
P.S. I really like the quilt idea!!
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..Randomness because I’ve been lazy busy… =-.
Cindy says:
I hope you read this because I want you to know what a difference you have made in my life. I have no idea what you are going through or what you are feeling…. but I want to say thank you for sharing your story, YOU HAVE MADE ME A BETTER MOTHER. This “job” seems like it is too much until the possibility of it being taken away comes. I don’t usually comment but I want you to know heather that I am silently rooting for you over here in my little corner. YOu inspire me every day to love and live and for that I thank you a million times agian!!!
.-= Cindy´s last blog .. =-.
Lacey says:
My sons dirty laundry still hasn’t been touched and it will be 3yrs this November that he’s been gone. His room is also untouched, even though his brother is here & we only have two bedrooms. Eventually, when our second son is old enough to have his own room then it will be considered “their” room. And have some things of both of theirs in it. So don’t feel like you have to pack up everything if you don’t want to. Our new son has also worn some of Landan’s clothes. But that was my choice & we also have certain things that he won’t wear because they were Landans.
Hugs & good luck with your decisions.
.-= Lacey´s last blog ..Don’t ever not feel good please! =-.
Vic says:
It’s case by case, moment by moment, day by day. You’ll never know till you get there.
.-= Vic´s last blog ..Girl Talk Thursday: List of Five =-.
jen says:
you’ll figure it out … only you can decide what is right for you guys …
to jump on the quilt bandwagon … another idea? my mother in law has made teddy bears from her mom’s clothing for family members … maybe that would be a nice gift for binky from maddie?
.-= jen´s last blog ..i {heart} faces … back to school challenge! =-.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
This sounds like a good plan. I remember reading somewhere that the sense of smell elicits the strongest memories. It’s no wonder that you and Mike are reluctant to put away the clothes that still smell of your beautiful Maddie.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Movin’ on =-.
Kate in NZ says:
No words for you today. Hugs. Just hugs.
.-= Kate in NZ´s last blog ..Spring =-.
Kristen McD says:
You’ll know… when the time comes. Thinking of you.
Kim says:
When my friend’s husband died, she had a quilt made. (Just seconding the idea.) it’s not their favorite…her son loves his dad’s blanket that he actually used; still, it’s really neat to have something made out of his clothing.
I think you made a great point. You have to do what is best for Maddie, but also, what is best for Binky. I think that will be easier and more clear when Binky arrives…just a thought. It might not. But I have a feeling it will.
Bec says:
Oh Heather, I never even thought about where the new baby would sleep.
.-= Bec´s last blog ..1 thing you should know about Twitter =-.
Tracy Y. says:
May I share an idea? Do you know anyone who quilts? I know it would be hard to cut her clothes, but you could cut a square from each of her outfits, and perhaps some sheets and blankets of hers, and have someone sew them into a “Maddie quilt.” Perhaps a throw sized quilt for your bed?
Tracy Y. says:
Haha – I guess I should have read the comments before posting my idea. My Mother-In-Law also had each of my children’s pajamas made into a teddy bear, which is also super cute and would look wonderful on a shelf in Binky’s room!
Meg...CT says:
I have no idea what I would do in this situation…but what about making a quilt out of her clothes and special blankets? (either for you or her new brother or sister)
Just a thought.
When it is time and it is right, you will know what to do.
Peace.
Meg...CT says:
I am sorry…should have read responses before I made my suggestion. It must be annoying to read the same thing over and over…
Kelly says:
I think it shows how good an idea it is
For everyone who has suggested it, I salute you. Beautiful idea.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Noodles! =-.
Shannon Kieta says:
Heather…
Let me start by saying that Maddie LOVES her baby brother or sister, and wants him/her to have the best of everything, that is why she gave him/her to you. She would be absolutely thriled to have Bnky share or take her room. I know it seems hard, but this is something you almost HAVE to do, because of space issues. Maddie would be honored to have baby Bink sleep in her room. I can see the clothes part. I am funny about some things with my kids, I believe each child should have some things to call their own! Use your own judgement Heather, you know whats best for you and Mike, and what you both can and cannot handle. May God bless you and guide you in the right direction. Auntie SHannon
eden says:
Heather there is something about you, and the way you write … that’s so utterly fucking powerful. You just cut through everything with a few words. Not many people can do that.
It must have been so hard, to do that yesterday. I think of you often. Heaps, actually.
xo
.-= eden´s last blog ..The Long Way Home =-.
Serena says:
It will get easier, it will get easier. To decide what to do, and to go on without her. It hurts now, a lot. But it will get easier. Not easy, but easier.
Trisha says:
There’s nothing wrong with taking it moment by moment.
(((HUGS))) from your friend in Florida
Jenn says:
Just do what’s in your heart….you’ll both know the right answer when the time comes and your new daughter/son is here.
Someone once said “Time Heal’s All Wounds”!! That person never met Maddie.
((HUGS))
Take Care,
Jenn
Deborah says:
Whatever you and Mike choose to do with Maddie’s clothes will be the right thing.
((((hugs and love))))
.-= Deborah´s last blog ..Blast from the Past =-.
g~ says:
When my husband’s twin brother died at the age of 28, we kept a few pieces of his clothes that still smelled like him and stored them so that whenever he wanted, my husband could open that bag and smell his brother. Which, typing it out sounds really strange, but it means something to him to know that he has a little piece of his brother accessible. To my knowledge, he’s never done it (6 years later) but he knows it’s there.
.-= g~´s last blog ..Where I really get my inspiration =-.
JennK says:
It was almost a year before I could go through my son’s things. I started by saving everything. And then, when my nephew was born, I went through it all. I saved things that were “Will” and passed on the rest, only asking that I never, ever get it back.
My husbands things are still in totes. I can’t do it. I don’t know if I ever will. And it’s been two years.
You just have to do what feels right, when it feels right. Binky won’t know for a long, long time if there are piles and stacks in a closet.
.-= JennK´s last blog ..Crave. =-.
Krissa says:
You mentioned that if Binky is a boy that all Maddie’s stuff has to be packed away. I’m not sure how much space you have, but maybe you can go to IKEA or someplace like that and get a light wardrobe. You’ve probably been to IKEA so I don’t have to tell you they have gazillions of different things and I know they make a lot of clothes racks that have little shelves and stuff you can add. They are lightweight and don’t take up much space and don’t look half bad. You could keep it in your own bedroom,too. If you don’t want to pack her clothes away, don’t. And if you feel like you need to make space (and obviously you want to keep things neat) maybe something like that would work? I think they might have stuff like that even at Lowe’s and Home Depot now a days, but I’ve been out of the country a long time so I might be wrong about that. … Thinking of you guys. (((Hugs)))
Keyona says:
If it doesn’t feel right, it’s not right. When the time comes you will figure out EXACTLY what to do with her precious things. Until then, it’s just fine where it is. *HUGS*
.-= Keyona´s last blog ..I Promise =-.
Vera says:
I can’t even imagine having to make these choices. I am so sorry.
.-= Vera´s last blog ..GO HOGS! =-.
nic @mybottlesup says:
i love you.
.-= nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..magoo and a water bottle =-.
Alli says:
When the time comes, you will know. As the old saying goes “cross that bridge when you get there”. But it is good to have the choices already lined out.
~Hugs from TX
.-= Alli´s last blog ..Friend Makin’ Monday =-.
Erica fr Dallas, TX says:
Sweet Heather-you do what works and what you and Mike need to do. Nothing you do will ever be a betrayal-Maddie knows how much you love her and miss her. Always always in my thoughts and prayers.xoxo
Veronica says:
When I told my husband about how reading your blog breaks my heart he asked me “why do you read it then”. I told him I read it because in some strange way I feel like I am supporting you. I know the pain will never go away but I hope that time will help it be a little more bearable for you.
Liz B. says:
I have no advice, because I can’t imagine such a choice. But I know you’ll find the right thing. The answer is there, to be found gradually, just as you’ve been doing.
Karen says:
Take your time, there are no golden rules on this. You do with her stuff what you feel like when the time is right for you and Mike. Binky will be happy to share his or her space with Maddie’s treasures.
((Hugs))
.-= Karen´s last blog ..When I’m President =-.
anne says:
tear. praying for your family. i wanted to suggest, maybe in the future buying a special peice of furniture, like an armoir to keep all of her special clothes and items in?
.-= anne´s last blog ..|elmo| =-.
Ms. Moon says:
As hard as it is to believe, nothing you could do with Maddie’s clothes will ever constitute any sort of betrayal to her.
Ever.
.-= Ms. Moon´s last blog ..Cleanliness =-.
Krissy says:
Heather,
I read your blog every day, but have never made a comment. I want you to know that not a single day goes by that I don’t think of you and your family. Not a single day goes by that I don’t share in your sadness. Every single day I’m reminded to hold a little longer and squeeze a little tighter. I pray for you and your family that someday, somehow, things will become a little easier.
Bless you and your family!
Courtney says:
What a tough decision, I will be praying for you all. God Bless.
.-= Courtney´s last blog ..About Time =-.
Lisa says:
You’ll figure out as you go, what else can you do. I think once Binky is here you’ll find a happy balance between doing what is right for her (or him) and what is right for you guys (and Maddie).
My mother-in-law’s father just passed away about a month ago. She is making pillows and a big quilt out of his favorite shirts. You could always think of doing something like that with some of Maddie’s clothes.
Hugs.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Time… =-.
Maggie says:
I’m sure you’ve thought of this and plenty of people have already suggested it…but what about having a bear (or other animal) and/or quilt made out of some of her clothes? Then you are freeing up space, but not “getting rid of” them…and she will always be close to you and Mike and Binky…I understand, of course, if you’re not even ready for this step. And I think that’s totally ok. Binky won’t know that it’s her/his room for a few years anyway, so I think you have plenty of time to take your time with Madeline’s things. Anyway, Binky should start learning how to share early on!
Casey says:
I haven’t stopped by in a while, but I’ve been thinking about you a lot. There are no words from me that can help you with these monumental life moments, other than to say that you are not betraying Maddie. You both are still wonderful, loving, compassionate parents to her, and to Binky. Every day, and with every post you write, it is so clear that you are amazing people who have had the most awful thing happen, and yet continue to show such grace and love. You have let your love guide you through this, and if you continue to do so, you can only make decisions that are the best for you, Maddie, Binky…
Much love.
.-= Casey´s last blog ..Knock it off =-.
Danielle says:
Everytime I read what you write I go through a ton of emotions. (non of which compare to what you go through) But I smile and cry and try not to have to imagine what you must go through on a daily bases.
All I can say is that my prayers are with you every single day.
.-= Danielle´s last blog ..Take it at Facebook value =-.
Gillian says:
No advice.
Just – I’m glad you’re giving yourself plenty of time. There’s no hurry.
Grief and Joy, so tightly intermingled – how exhausted you must be, to feel so deeply all the time.
XOXO from all of us.
.-= Gillian´s last blog ..Ouch =-.
cindy w says:
I also love the quilt idea, but you do whatever feels right. Like you said, take it on a case by case, moment by moment basis.
.-= cindy w´s last blog ..Mississippi-bound =-.
Tina says:
Thinking of you Heather. Always thinking of you.
Brittany says:
I love you all so much. Maybe when the time comes, you’ll just know what to do. Maybe you won’t. It’s the love that counts, and you two give sooo much of it to your children, everything else will just tumble into place, or something similar to in place.
.-= Brittany´s last blog ..Carrie, if you are reading this? I am sorry. And also, your husband sounds totally hot. =-.
Haley-O (Cheaty) says:
When you’re ready, or when the time comes, you’ll know. Maybe try to remember that these are just things. They’re not *Maddie* herself. Maddie herself will always have her special place. Maddie herself will never be replaced. (I hope that helps…). Hugs.
.-= Haley-O (Cheaty)´s last blog ..“SO FINE”: So You Think You Can Dance Canada =-.
Cristie says:
I stumbled on your blog and now have to read it every day. I am continually impressed by you but have been afraid to comment for fear of saying the wrong thing. Now, I just have to speak from my heart and tell you how incredible you are. You are handling possibly life’s most difficult situation with such grace that it is nothing short of inspirational. The fact that you allow us to share in it is even more mind boggling. I love reading about Maddie. I love hearing about Binky and I am so in awe of you being an incredible mother to both. Thank you-for sharing your life with us. We are better because we read about and learn from you and your family.
I think about you daily and hope for joy.
BakerGirl says:
Just take your time. There is no such thing as right and wrong in these situations. It’s all about how you and your husband feel.
Take care.
.-= BakerGirl´s last blog ..New Bedroom =-.
Sara Joy says:
We’ve had this conversation, and we have come to virtually the same conclusion. Some things are Joel’s, they were given/bought/made just for him and they are and will only be his forever. Others we probably would have shared with all our kids even if Joel was still here, and others….well, there’s a lot we just don’t know about yet and so we will wing it.
But Heather? It’s all hard, and you brave. There’s a ton I haven’t touched. {{HUGS}}
.-= Sara Joy´s last blog ..How We Met Part IV =-.
Jamie says:
i haven’t read any of the comments so i might be stating something that you already know but you could take your favorite maddie onesies/blankets/keepsakes and turn them in to a really cool quilt of sorts. you just need to find a really good seamstress that you know and he/she should be able to make you a fabulous quilt you can snuggle up to in order to be close to maddie whenever you want.
here is something similar with old t-shirts…
http://11springstreet.blogspot.com/2007/08/t-shirt-blanket.html
sending hugs your way.
jamie
.-= Jamie ´s last blog ..let’s go already =-.
LD says:
Whatever you decide to do with the clothes, you’ll want to take them somewhere to be professionally cleaned. You need to have them de-sugared, the way they do when they preserve wedding gowns. Otherwise, in just a few years, invisible stains will appear brown.
Good luck sorting it all out– You’ll know what to do when it’s time.
Sherry says:
Whatever you decide to do is right!!!
Never would anything be a betrayal. You have so much love for your children you do what is best for you and Mike.
What a brave thing to do in cleaning out the closet. I know that was hard.
Leave the stacks till you feel comfortable in what to do.
No one has walked your path but you, and no one will be judemental.
May God bless you and keep you healthy.
Maddie’s sibling will learn all about her and love her too!!!
AMomTwoBoys says:
It all just sucks. SUCKS.
Dammit.
.-= AMomTwoBoys´s last blog ..In Which I Talk Politics (AGAIN) and Possibly End My Relationship With Some Of You =-.
themaggers says:
Follow your heart sweet Heather. You and Mike will know what’s right when the time comes. Love you,Love Maddie.
.-= themaggers´s last blog ..Thank You =-.
Chrissie says:
I love the quilt idea, but I don’t know how I would feel if it came down to having to have the clothes cut up. Im sure I would be torn about it.
As far as packing her things up, I can’t say I could do that either. I think I would have to leave some of her things out, like it should have been, with Maddie and Binky sharing the room. Thats how it was supposed to be after all.
Hugs to you and Mike.
Anne says:
What everybody else has said.
mama2addie says:
Heather, you are so strong! It must be so hard to face the realities of life…life going the opposite way you had imagined. You keep doing what you are doing! Only you and Mike know what’s best for you. There is no timeline for grief…it’s a very complicated dance.
I think the quilt idea is awesome…and something that you will always have to cherish your amazing little Madeline!
Sending hugs and love your way!
.-= mama2addie´s last blog ..{la zoo} =-.
Molly says:
Dear Heather,
I can only imagine how hard that must be. I hope the answers become easier with time.
Love,
Molly
Jenn says:
It’s all been said above, but….
In time, you will know what to do with Maddie’s clothes and things. Love the idea of the quilt, that way you can wrap yourself up with her when you need to.
Love, Jenn in CA
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..Giving the Bird =-.
Issa says:
I’m glad you found some more clothes that smelled like her. I know how that has comforted you in a small way.
I think you take it day by day, piece by piece. And if Binky is a girl and you want her to have all new everything, there is nothing wrong with that.
I do like the quilt idea, although I’d bet there is someone local who would do it for you, so you wouldn’t have to send Maddie’s clothes anywhere.
.-= Issa´s last blog ..How about a little Tuesday random? =-.
Mrs. Wilson says:
I cannot even imagine. Having never gone through this, everything you write is new to me, things I never would have thought of.
I’m so sorry that you have to deal with all these things, but I’m so happy that you’ll soon have a new little person to love, who will never take Maddie’s place, but rather be the recipient of more love than any child could ever imagine.
.-= Mrs. Wilson´s last blog ..Run for the Cure =-.
Katrina says:
There’s no right or wrong way — just your way. And you will know what it is in time.
Not one day passes when I don’t think of you guys, of your Maddie. Not one single day.
((((Heather))))
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..End of Summer =-.
Alison says:
This must be so, so difficult to even have to contemplate and confront but like the others before me have said, you will know what feels right for you and Mike, Maddie and Binky when the time comes.
I read you every day without fail and sometimes comment but please believe me when I say you are truly inspiring. I know that must feel like little solace.
The amount of love you have for Maddie just radiates off the page and shines out from every video and photo. You are both the best, best parents a baby could wish for.
The fact that you have turned your grief to help others with the March of Dimes and now Friends Of Maddie is a testament to the power of your beautiful little girl.
Kymmi says:
I can only imagine that there are things of Maddie’s that can never be anything but Maddie’s. She was larger than life, and another baby – no matter how special and delightful in its own right – will never really fill it.
My only advice to you is to not do anything until you are ready. If you need room for the new baby’s clothes, then pack Maddie’s up but put them somewhere else. Somewhere you can go to when you need to if you want to look at them and remember. I love the idea of a quilt, but only you and Mike can decide the best way to deal with her things.
Thinking of you.
Amanda says:
Heather –
Nothing to add other than to say that I’m thinking about you and Mike and of all the difficult decisions/changes that you are making right now.
Hugs to all of you right now.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Okay…So Today Really Was Hard =-.
Marilyn says:
Heather & Mike:
I have been reading your blog for sometime and this one prompted me to write. First of all, let me say how sorry I am for your loss.
I am a widow and could not even fathom giving my husband’s t-shirts and clothes away. I recently had a memory quilt made of his t-shirts. It is so comforting to me. I know that our loss is so different but yet we are both grieving. I just wanted you to know about this option.
Funsize says:
My son’s things are packed up into big plastic rubbermaid bins, sitting in the room that will eventually turn into the nursery. It was so hard to do, to take down the changing table and crib, and pack up his clothes. When we have a new baby, his clothes will probably be moved into the closet in our room, to make room exclusively for that baby. It’s a hard rope to balance on, looking forward to a baby that probably wouldn’t be here if our firstborn children hadn’t died.
sending you lots of love
xoxo
.-= Funsize´s last blog ..Celebrating my Birthday =-.
Glenda says:
One day at at time! I love the idea of the quilt. I’m sure when the time comes, you’ll know what to do with the clothes (if Binky is a boy) and if Binky is a girl if you want her to wear any of it. If not, I’d definitely donate to a shelter or less fortunate kids. I’m sure Maddie wants you, Mike and Binky to be as happy as she was in her life. Sending you hugs and thinking of you. XX
tara says:
you will know what feels right for you, WHEN it feels right for you. sending you so many hugs. xoxo
MBKimmy says:
I have seen several sites and my mom can do it too … where you can take their favoriteclothes and make a blanket/quilt for you … you cut out pieces of the favorite fabric and make a quilt … just a thought … then she would/could ALWAYS be with you … on the couch, at the beach, in your bed, with her brother or sister …
however in time you will find/see what you should do – and until then the piles can be piles and it wont hurt the baby at all!
Love you guys, thinking of you every day!
.-= MBKimmy´s last blog ..Look for a CHANGE =-.
Aunt Becky says:
That’s exactly where it should be, if it can’t be on my sweet Maddie. Miss her so much.
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Thirty Plus One =-.
Kim says:
The day Emma died, she had pulled books off the bookshelf and clothes out of a basket and threw them all over the family room floor. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law, trying to help, cleaned these things up…it killed me.
I had diapers to wash, they were the only things of hers I could wash.
We moved a month after she died, so I had to pack up all of her things. There were a few things that smelled like her that I put into a ziplock bag, just to keep the smell as long as possible.
I’ve had 2 more girls since Emma, and they have worn some of her clothes, but some I just couldn’t do. Your heart will tell you what Binky can and can’t wear. I think that taking it on a case by case basis is a very smart thing to do.
We also have a curio cabinet with some of her special toys in it. Things that I didn’t want to share with the other kids. That’s another idea too.
Thinking of you my love. xoxo
.-= Kim´s last blog ..Then and Now =-.
Heather says:
If Maddie were still alive, I think you would still feel the same about the “iconic” outfits.
Sarah says:
I happened upon your blog several months ago through an ad for best mommy blogs. I have been following ever since….I have no words for your pain…but I wanted to tell you I pray for you everyday.
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..Whit and the Wiggles 3 =-.
Momma Uncensored says:
i’ve been wondering about this.
my heart aches.
i have a dresser drawer full of clothes that my beloved grandmother wore. never washed. never to be worn. just to be held.
.-= Momma Uncensored´s last blog ..kitten =-.
Loralee says:
You don’t do ONE THING with ONE ITEM until both of you are absolutely ready.
It will still be hard, but like the closet…you’ll know when it’s time.
I love you munchkin.
.-= Loralee´s last blog ..Closure. =-.
Rachel says:
Keep them. When you are ready, preserve them in vacuum sealed bags so they take less space, but are preserved. The vacuum bags are great because they keep out mold, moths, water, bugs, etc.
Definitely keep them.
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..Appetite: Back On =-.
amanda says:
I would just make sure not to listen to a word anyone is telling you about what the “right” thing to do is – just listen to your hearts and take as much time as you need. I’m sure it was so unbelievably hard to even sort through everything. xo xo from CT,
Amanda
.-= amanda´s last blog ..speak into my good ear =-.
Jodi says:
Heather, I haven’t commented before because I’ve never felt I had anything to add. But here’s my experience: I’m the second daughter, and granddaughter, born to parents and grandparents who lost their first one. I always knew I wasn’t the first, even when I was very small. But I never felt less important than my sister who passed away. I think it’s because everyone in my family still treated me as precious, and also as the oldest, rather than as “number two.”
.-= Jodi´s last blog ..What I Made for Dinner: September 7, 2009 =-.
Andrea's Sweet Life says:
You guys just take your time. Binky doesn’t need a bedroom just yet. Even once she (or he) gets here, she’ll need, what, a 2X4 area to sleep? Binky will never know the difference, but *you* will. One step at a time, and don’t push yourself to do anything you aren’t ready to do.
.-= Andrea’s Sweet Life´s last blog ..My New Home =-.
Tauni says:
I read often, comment rarely…
Even without having lost a child, there was still certain outfits that my one daughter worn that I kept as just hers and my second daughter never wore. That outfit wasn’t a sharing one…it was Katy’s.
I know for the outfit that was definitely a set child’s outfit, we found a doll (one day I hope to have a porcelin (sp?) doll made that looks like they did as a baby and place that outfit on that doll.
I don’t know if that is something that would be good for you or make it worse, but it is a thought.
i honestly think of you and Mike often even though you don’t know me! I think you are very brave and what you have been through is mind boggling to me!
.-= Tauni´s last blog ..A new place =-.
Amanda says:
All I can think is how the only thing in life that is neat is the finality of things out of our control. I wish you all the joy you deserve and the grace to be able to not feel awful about having it.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Is that you? =-.
Julia says:
I suspect if Maddie was still here, you would still feel guilty about packing up her room or things for Binky to come along. It must be so hard to be grieving while expecting another baby. I hope you don’t let the guilt get to you much longer. Perhaps get a couple of large storage boxes for Maddie’s keepsakes…favorite toys, outfits, cups and plates. And then give the rest away. Start fresh with Binky.
I nursed my 45 year old cousin to his death from pancreatic cancer. He didn’t have much….just a one bedroom apartment. But still, his brothers and I had to go through his things and decide what to keep, give away or throw away. It made me look at my things differently knowing that someday someone (most likely a loved one) would have to sort through it all. Our things are just earthly possessions. They don’t go with us. Any of us.
Maddie is not betrayed by you deciding to get your closet in order. She is in your heart and your head and your soul…..and in this blog.
.-= Julia´s last blog ..We Met The Boy =-.
Alexandra says:
Heather,
I think that if Binky is a girl and you let her wear Maddie’s old clothes (that aren’t iconic Maddie), it would be really sweet. I think Maddie would have found that amusing. But of course, ultimately it’s about what you and Mike are comfortable with.
Miriam says:
My mother died nine years ago this month. It has only been in the last 18 months that I have been able to touch, sort, throw away or give away much of anything. Emotionally I couldn’t do very much at any one time at all before that.
When it is time, you will be able to do what you need to do.
Deidre says:
You will know the right thing to do and it will be your decision and yours alone. We will all support you. You don’t have to do anything. Just relax and be.
Laurie says:
As I was thinking about this post today at work, it hit me you have only had five months to deal with so much. You don’t need to know what to do now.
One day, something will feel right–for you, for Mike, for Binky, and for Maddie. It will.
.-= Laurie´s last blog ..Lydia’s New Favorites =-.
Anonymous says:
Hmm, don’t think you could betray Maddie if you tried. Keep listening to your brain that tells you you aren’t.
Do what’s best for you guys. I wonder though if Binky one day saw a pic of herself(maybe herself) wearing one of Maddie’s old shirts, and saw a pic of Maddie in the same shirt if it would make her feel connected to her big sis in some way?
I hope I’m not being insensitive – don’t mean to imply something like a shared tshirt in anyway compensates for the loss you’ve endured.
Rachael says:
I hold my breath every time I read your blog. I don’t know how you do it
Susan from PA says:
How about a quilt made with your favorite of her clothes? I have my dad’s in a bag to do just the same thing…my favorite clothes that I look at and am instantly taken back to when I still had him here with me. I am sure you could get someone to do this, or I do have a friend that sent it to some site…could find that out if you are interested…until then, I still pray and understand your very mixed feelings.
Leiah says:
De-lurking here. My daughter introduced me to your story. In fact it is because of your story she has changed her major to nursing — specifically PICU/NICU. In all her years I’ve never seen her so driven/motivated/inspired. Maddie touched her life and never even knew, but I wanted you to know. Just tonight she was talking to me me about everything going on in her life and she didn’t know how to deal with it all. I asked her if she knew how to eat an elephant — one bite at a time. I hope I don’t offend or cause you to think I’m making light of your situation, but I think that we all need to remember that. There’s no right way or wrong way. There’s only your way — defined by you in your own time.
Tricia says:
There is def. no right or wrong answer or way to handle this friend….only the way that works for you guys.
I love you and can’t wait to buy you a big ass cheery slurpee or whatever else you want since those give you heartburn. big, big hugs.
xoxoxoxo,
Tricia
Mama Kat says:
I have a favorite shop in Etsy where a lady takes your most favorite items and creates beautiful memory blankets…take a look:
http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6323051
.-= Mama Kat´s last blog ..Dear Ellen (letter 10) =-.
CJ's mom says:
I haven’t commented in a while but I read every day. I echo what those above have said in term of doing what feels right in your own time. I just wanted you to know that we’re still reading, still cheering you on, and still (always) missing Maddie. my little boy still kisses his Maddie monster every day. Much love to you- Cristy
Tracy Summers says:
Just wanted you to know that your blog is the last thing that I visit before I go to bed each night. When I do go to sleep I am like many other parents who read your message reminded of how grateful I need to be..and why. My kids are 6 and 9 and I can not imagine life without them. You keep me inspired, motivated, moved and impressed. I remember your words and how you struggle everyday. I remember each night when I lay down to be a little less selfish and more thankful of what I do have just down the hall. Thank you for sharing you life, your Maddie, and Binky with us. I think I speak for everyone reading…THANK YOU HEATHER for all that you unknowingly give back to us! Praying from you and your family in Deep East Texas..
dysfunctional mom says:
I think that you have to do whatever you feel is best for you, and nobody should ever judge you for that.
.-= dysfunctional mom´s last blog ..The Sun & the sand & a Diet Pepsi in my hand =-.
gorillabuns says:
struggling with the same thought. i’m thinking Maddie and Binky can share. but not the same things.:)
.-= gorillabuns´s last blog ..hoarding the ironic shit – literally =-.
jensboys says:
I parented a baby girl from the age of 6 weeks of age until 13 months old, at which time she was unexpectedly sent to live with her grandmother. We loved that baby girl with our entire heart and soul. She was our daughter in every way that ever mattered to us, and to our sons.
Its now 3 years later and I have two little girls again to love on. I had kept many favorite items of that first baby girl, treasured outfits and clothes that I thought I would once again love to put on another.
Simply, I cant. And the times my husband has kindly thought I would love to see new baby girl in our former baby girls outift, I have had to change her. I just cant do it. Those items are to intrinsically tied to HER.
My suggestion, start over completely with new things, new clothes, new memories. Box, frame or bag what you need to keep. Keep more than you think you will want and as time passes, you will be able to let some things go.
Thinking of you …
.-= jensboys´s last blog ..Back in the Swing of Things =-.
mythoughtsonthat says:
You’ll know what to do when the time comes.
Faith….Hope….Love….Peace.
.-= mythoughtsonthat´s last blog ..Things I Am Tired Of =-.
Maria Delgado says:
I am praying that you’ll find peace in whatever decision u make.
Alicia says:
This post breaks my heart. I can’t imagine this. I’m so sorry you have to live it. Do what you need to do to stay sane and keep yourself and Binky healthy.
.-= Alicia´s last blog ..The Lambs Are Screaming =-.
Denise Jones says:
Heather, why don’t you make a quilt using Maddie’s clothing? That way, whether you have a boy or girl, Maddie can be a part of the new baby’s life. Once the quilt is no longer needed, it would make a great wall hanging, sort of like Maddie watching over her little sibling. Just a thought. Sending hugs your way….
Dana says:
I am liking this quilt/blanket idea Heather. Maybe you could make it big enough to go on your bed and you could cuddle up in it, nice way to remember Maddie. I also agree there is no right or wrong, maybe keep a small box of a few of maddie’s iconic outfits and a few special toys put it somewhere safe but where you can access it should you want to touch, see, and remember. Then make a pile of Maddie’s clothes and toys that you’d like to share with Binky if Binky is a girl, and donate the rest. I think maybe giving some of Maddie’s things to Binky is a small way of having Maddie in Binky’s life. I can see her looking at a photo one day and saying “here I am when I was smaller wearing one of my big sister’s dresses” and being proud to say that. Sending my love and prayers from NJ
Al_Pal says:
I hope that you’ll know when the time comes.
I wish you well, with this project and with the journey overall.
I feel like many others: you could never betray Maddie!
melissa says:
I totally say make a nice big quilt with her clothing. Something that you can wrap around yourself completely. King sized, backed with something soft and cuddly. Perfect for those especially hard days.