A year is ending…a decade…an era.

A lot of people have asked me if I’m glad 2009 is ending, and yes, I am. But, 2009 is the last year that had my Madeline. I can’t help but have mixed feelings.

Putting 2009 behind me feels like putting Madeline behind me, and I will never ever do that.

When 2007 became 2008, Mike and I were sitting in the NICU with our baby girl, confident that the new year would be bringing her home to us. We were happy to leave 2007 behind.

When 2008 became 2009, things were so much better. Maddie was with Gramma and Bampa and Mike and I were out with friends. I have guilt that we weren’t with her, but I’m glad she was with two of her favorite people. 2008 was a good year, trying at times, but we were confident 2009 would be the best yet.

And until April 6th, it was.

It’s hard to start new things without my girl. It’s hard to watch the world keep spinning without her. It’s hard to balance my longing and grief for what I had with my anticipation for what is coming.

2009 had Madeline. 2010 won’t. 2010 has Binky. 2009 doesn’t.

My heart is always going to be in two places, with two little girls that I love so much, two little girls that mean the world to me, two little girls who will never meet.

I live for the past, but I live for the future, too. I have to hope that 2010 will be better.

It has to be.

coming soon