A year is ending…a decade…an era.
A lot of people have asked me if I’m glad 2009 is ending, and yes, I am. But, 2009 is the last year that had my Madeline. I can’t help but have mixed feelings.
Putting 2009 behind me feels like putting Madeline behind me, and I will never ever do that.
When 2007 became 2008, Mike and I were sitting in the NICU with our baby girl, confident that the new year would be bringing her home to us. We were happy to leave 2007 behind.
When 2008 became 2009, things were so much better. Maddie was with Gramma and Bampa and Mike and I were out with friends. I have guilt that we weren’t with her, but I’m glad she was with two of her favorite people. 2008 was a good year, trying at times, but we were confident 2009 would be the best yet.
And until April 6th, it was.
It’s hard to start new things without my girl. It’s hard to watch the world keep spinning without her. It’s hard to balance my longing and grief for what I had with my anticipation for what is coming.
2009 had Madeline. 2010 won’t. 2010 has Binky. 2009 doesn’t.
My heart is always going to be in two places, with two little girls that I love so much, two little girls that mean the world to me, two little girls who will never meet.
I live for the past, but I live for the future, too. I have to hope that 2010 will be better.
It has to be.
That is the best New Years greeting E-V-E-R. Love to you, Mike & Binky as we enter a new year, with Maddie in our hearts, always.
.-= Maura´s last blog ..Hat In Hand, Doing A Little Begging =-.
May each year be what it is. God bless 2009 and what it took and God bless 2010 and what it will bring. And, sweetie, bless you…you’ve been an amazing role model for me, for women everywhere this year and always. Grace is my favorite intangible and you show it constantly. Thanks for being you.
.-= EmmieJ´s last blog ..‘Twas the Night before Christmas: On Giving =-.
J in eire says:
Well said !!! Grace = Heather….. Will be thinking of you as the clock strikes 12 in Ireland tonight. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing, you have no idea how much reading your blog each day has helped me be the mother my children deserve. Happy New Year to you and yours. Thank you and God Bless.
Jen L. says:
Well said, Emmie! Heather and Mike, you are incredible.
.-= Jen L.´s last blog ..Before she was your mom =-.
Well I can’t top this either, happy new year from Australia. You have touched my heart and affected the mother that I am.
.-= Amy´s last blog ..Farewell ye decade that was =-.
Wow it was said so well. So I just want to add Happy New Year to all. Thanks for sharing you life with us.
Really like this: “May each year be what it is.” I hate saying “Happy New Year” as each year holds both joy & tragedy. Having just gone thru a tragedy, the “Happy New Year’s” greetings I’ve received have rung false.
.-= Mary´s last blog ..Uninspired? =-.
I don’t really know what to say.
Happy new year, I hope 2010 brings you many good things.
Big (((hugs))) and lots of love to you and your family. Best wishes for the coming new year.
May 2010 bring you back some of the joy that was lost in 2009. I think about your family often and wish you only the best with Binky’s arrival this year. You are an amazing couple and Maddie’s life will always be remembered and honored because of you two. Thank you for sharing her with us all. Happy New Year!
well said, Lynette. i think about and pray for the Spohr family daily and Miss Maddie will never be forgotten.
L.A. SIngle Mama says:
A lovely, touching post. Wishing you all the best for the new year.
.-= L.A. SIngle Mama´s last blog ..Anxiety Before My Son Returns… =-.
I find peace in knowing that I will be able to see my baby in heaven and that I am able to spend time with his brother and sister on earth. It gives me something to look forward to when I pass and something to enjoy while I’m alive.
Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
I love that photo! Best wishes and love for the coming year, may you know as much joy in this year as you have sadness in the one past.
.-= Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last blog ..Sick chicky =-.
catherine lucas says:
How weird… Before going to sleep last night, I was just wondering about that. About how you would feel to leave this year behind and entering a new one. I saw the exact two things that you talk about: the year of leaving behind and the year of a new beginning.
Let’s assume that a lighter future is ahead, there has to be. And nobody will ever forget Madeline… How could we?
.-= catherine lucas´s last blog ..A pouting squirrel =-.
O Heather today’s post had brought tears to my eyes (as so many of your posts do). Your words are always so beautifully written with such meaning and feeling. The love you have for your precious Maddie and the special Binky can always be felt so greatly through your words. You are an amazing Mama and an amazing lady. As someone else has written above, you are indeed a role model for women everywhere, just as you are an amazing role model for your Maddie and will be just an amazing role model for your Binky.
Thank you for continuing to share your story and for sharing so many stories of your precious girl. I love to hear about your Maddie and to see the photos and videos of her. She continues to be a ray of sunshine and as you continue to tell her story, you keep her spirit alive and remind all of us of this wonderful little being. I think of your darling girl every, single day, just as I think of you and Mike, the amazing parents. You are all such wonderful people and you continue to inspire me every day.
Happy New Year Heather, Mike, Maddie, Binky and Rigby. 2010 is going to be a very exciting year for you as you finally get to meet your Binky Bean and 2009 will be a year never to be forgotten, by any of us.
Sending you lots of love from afar.
P.S. I just love the 2010 Binky belly, you have such a beautiful pregnant belly with not a single stretch mark, amazing!!
Lots of love, Erica xxx
Heather, you epitomize grace, and I can’t thank you enough for sharing Madeline with us. I’ve read every word you’ve written this year and Maddie has been indelibly etched into my heart. As you turn the corner to 2010, may you leave behind the pain but never the memories. Love to you, Mike, Maddie, Binky, & Rigby.
.-= Noelle´s last blog ..Merry Christmas. Really! =-.
You know, I never knew how devastatingly sad and joyously happy (and all these other mixed feelings) I could be for people I had never met in Real Life until I started to read your blog.
I don’t think anyone will ever “get over” Madeline (and whoever suggested that needs to stop eating crack), and though it is very sad that her sister won’t meet her in this life, I feel sure she will always feel Maddie’s presence in her life and eventually meet her in heaven.
I hope, from the very bottom, top and every other side of my heart, that 2010 is an amazing year for the Spohrs (and friends and family), that Binky is born perfectly healthy and happy and that you never have to go through the heartbreak that you faced this year ever again.
Many blessings to everyone!
Oh mate I cried reading that.
I was thinking it must be bittersweet for you, leaving 2009 behind.
I had a dream about you last night – you were asleep, over there in fancy-pants L.A. …. and while you were sleeping, I was pregnant with Binky for you, minding her for you. I put a dance track on and was dancing around with her in my tummy, until you woke up.
The internets have kind of minded you, held you up when you couldn’t bear to walk on.
Your innocence was so shattered this year Heather, in pretty much the worst possible way. And you and Mike are slowly rebuilding, piecing it all together. I don’t think you will ever be whole – but when you are broken you find new ways to move forward.
Soz for the epic comment.
There’s gonna be some kick-arse fireworks soon down here on the Harbour Bridge, and every bit of the purple I will think of Madeline.
.-= edenland´s last blog ..Punching Sandcrabs, and Other Christmas Tales =-.
Best comment ever! What she said
.-= Amy´s last blog ..Farewell ye decade that was =-.
i hope this new year & decade bring you & your family some more joyous occaisions to compliment the happy memories you have of your beautiful madeline.
i can understand where you & mike are coming from in your latest posts having lost a child & had other family trauma in the last two years.
all my best wishes for you all. x
Have no fear, Miss Maddie has met Binky in heaven and has given her stamp of approval. 2010 is going to be great. Because you deserve it. Happy New year! Love to you, Mike, Binky, Rigby and as always the Mighty Madeline.
And remember, 2009 was the year that Maddie became such a force around the world – and she will continue to be in 2010 and beyond- we all love her and you guys and wish so much that 2010 is a fantastic year for your family. Can’t wait to meet Binky – but we will never, EVER forget Maddie.
xo from CT,
.-= amanda´s last blog ..a decade in very short review. =-.
We know that you will never, ever, leave Maddie behind. Someday Binky will hear all about her beautiful, big, sister,,,,,,,how wonderful she was, and how much they would love each other!!
Have a very safe and Happy New Year, Heather & Mike!!
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
I really wish little Maddie could be here to ring in the new year with you.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..The New Years Lie =-.
I pray that 2010 will bring you some peace. Hope it’s a better year for you and your family.
Alexandra :) says:
Happy New Year, Heather.
Happy new year to you, Mike & Binky, & to angel Maddie!
.-= Lindsay´s last blog ..Birthday Presents & A Big Shopping List =-.
2010 is going to be great for you and your family Heather, I just know it! Happy New Year!
.-= charlane´s last blog ..My Christmas Baby =-.
Katie C. says:
God bless and best wishes for a joyous new year!!!!
Nellie - New York says:
So beautifully, poignantly written. Brought tears to my eyes and an ache in my heart.
Wishing you and your family a love-filled, laughter-filled and peace-filled New Year!!
Happy New Year! I hope 2010 brings you peace and joy. Maddie will always be carried in our hearts. ITB
Kristen McD says:
Happy New Year to you all.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Help name the puppy! =-.
What a beautiful belly you have. Holding your future. Happy 2010 to you and Mike. What a journey you have been on, thank you for being so open about sharing it with all of us. Dee.
.-= Dee´s last blog ..Stuff. =-.
Happy New Year!
(((HUGS))) from Florida
I’m so glad you wrote this post. I was just asking a friend the other day who lost a best friend in March if she was glad to leave the year behind. I told her about your blog and Madeline, and that I was wondering if the same applied to you. Now I have my answer!
Though I’m sad at how 2009 turned out for your family, I’m confident that you will all have blessings galore in 2010. I think of you every day and I always wish the best for you. I hope that you have an uneventful next few week as Binky’s arrival gets closer and closer. I know that Maddie is smiling on all 4 of you.
Have a happy New Year Spohrs! Love you much!
Michele (Momma Lioness) says:
I thought of you and your family when May 1st came, how you might be relieved to put April behind you but also how you might feel to move into another month without your Maddie. I can understand that you and your family are facing mixed emotions about this year ending. I believe, however, that Maddie and Binky have met, and are certainly connected. I hope 2010 brings you and your family nothing but joy, good health and happiness. I look forward to “meeting” your Binky (but not until it’s the right time!) and send you, Mike, Binky, Rigby, and your sweet Madeline wishes for a Happy New Year!
~ Michele in Staten Island, NY
.-= Michele (Momma Lioness)´s last blog ..Baked =-.
I belive that Maddie and Binky have met. Praying for a safe and healthy New Year for you.
My only sister died (premature birth complications) before I was born. While I never met her, I still feel some connection to her. A place of my heart belongs to her, as strange as that may sound. I just wanted you to know that. I hope 2010 has many wonderful things in store for you.
Megan J in Ohio says:
What a lovely and loving thing to share with Heather and Mike, and those of us who have grieved for maddie in some way alongside them…
.-= Megan J in Ohio´s last blog ..I’m Still Learning =-.
Mary Ann says:
What a great picture. Keeping you, Mike, Maddie, Rigby, and Binky in my thoughts and wishing you all the best in the upcoming year.
I imagine that is very true, feeling torn about the year ending. You’ll always have Maddie in you, no matter the year. I, for one, am happy 2009 is ending and am looking forward to a much better 2010.
Happy New Year, Heather.
.-= pgoodness´s last blog ..On my iPhone =-.
Your grace and strength amaze me.
I wish you all the happiest 2010.
It will be.
That’s my fervent wish for you all.
A happy, joyful 2010!
cindy w says:
You will not be leaving Maddie behind in 2009, and neither will any of the rest of us who’ve been touched by her life. We will *all* take her with us into 2010, and every year.
Here’s hoping 2010 brings you nothing but joy, my friend. Love to you, Mike, Binky & Rigby. xoxo
.-= cindy w´s last blog ..not how I envisioned ending 2009 =-.
I can only imagine the mixed feelings you have right now. I’ve been following you for quite some time and watching your raw emotions has been such a humbling experience for me (and I mean that as graciously as possible. After everything you went through, you put things into perspective on a level that even therapy can’t) I can only hope that while Binky will obviously not replace Maddie, she will help you heal on whatever level she can. I hope that you have a great 2010.
.-= statia´s last blog ..Attempting. =-.
Best wishes for a wonderful New Year. Not that you don’t know, but Maddie will never ever be forgotten.
Great joy and great sadness, I suppose they balance our lives in a way. May you have a year full of happiness and blessings as you greet your new little girl.
Beautiful, sad and poignant. 2009 will be behind you but Maddie never will, she will remain with you, in your heart, through all the years. I hope that 2010 will bring you nothing but happiness, the beginning of a fabulous life with Binky and the pleasure of many wonderful memories of Maddie to warm your heart.
Love and hugs friend, you are always in my heart and in my thoughts.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Pregnant Over the Holidays =-.
april in NJ says:
Aww Heather. I can’t imagine what you’re thinking and feeling but from this post, sounds like a mixed bag of emotions. 2010 will be great b/c of Binky but then not great b/c Maddie’s not here… here’s to wishing that 2010 brings you and your family peace and joy and lots of love… and a very healthy and safe labor for Binky! I’m so looking forward to reading about her arrival! sending lots of love and hugs from NJ!
Sarah R says:
Here’s to 2010! I can’t wait to see your Binky. She will always have Maddie as her guardian angel.
.-= Sarah R´s last blog ..Sorry I have been MIA! =-.
Happy New Year, Heather and Mike! We miss Maddie along with you and look forward to meeting Binky soon, but not too soon!
All our love from WI!
.-= jen´s last blog ..wrap it up =-.
Happy New Years! I hope 2010 brings you so much happiness!
Very well said! I do wish the best for you and Mike in 2010. And…love the picture!
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Olympic Torch Relay Comes to Town =-.
DesignHER Momma says:
2010 will be better, because it has to be. And your belly, it’s so smooth. Why doesn’t it look like a cougar attacked it like mine?
.-= DesignHER Momma´s last blog ..2009 – it’s in the Book(case). =-.
Wishing you and your family a wonderful 2010. Thanks for sharing your story with us. I miss Maddie tremendously and love hearing all of your stories about her. You inspire me everyday. I can’t wait to meet Binky.
My wish for you in 2010…
I wish you continued unconditional love,,,the kind you have with Mike, your family, Maddie and Binky (oopss Rigby too).
I wish you tears running down your cheeks, just about to pee your pants, right from the soul laughter.
I wish you solace. So you may close your eyes at night and fall into a deep, wonderful sleep without sorrow or worries….
I wish you continued friendships and I hope time and energy allows you to really befriend some “stranger friends” on this blog as I believe there are some truly beautiful souls here.
I wish for you Good Health…with NO needles, NO meds, NO more Dr’s appointment (except the normal ones), No more bad news and No more awful memories.
Finally, I wish for you Freedom…Freedom to love your new baby without fears, Freedom of the mounts of medical bills you are force to somehow pay, Freedom to be happy and feel deep joy without also feeling deep sorrow. And, Freedom and Power in the knowledge that no matter what life throws at you, you will continue to face it will the courage and grace that you HAVE been facing it it and with the knowledge you are NEVER alone…not only is Maddie always with you….but..so are we!!
Happy 2010 Mama. So many wishes for you. I wish for you every one and many more not yet written.
I will continue to hold you and yours in my heart, and wish nothing but the VERY BEST for you and your family.
Love from Snowy Canada,
I am so happy that Binky will be a 2010 baby, just soooo happy. 2010 will be a good year for you and your family, I just know it. Maddie will never be forgotten Heather, she is so loved by so many. I hope this New Year gives you peace and hope. Love you Wheels. xo
Your belly is perfect!!!! Not a stretch mark to be found. I hope you and Mike enjoy New Years. I know the holidays are rough. You both are incredible. I feel like I know you. You seem to be the best parents. Maddie was one lucky girl and so is little Binky.
Happy New Year Heather and Mike! I hope 2010 brings you blessing, happiness (with Binky), and peace of mind.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..New Year’s Lunacy =-.
Happy New Year Mike and Heather! This year will be a new journey. New beginnings with a new person. You have to go on, but it doesn’t mean you will ever leave Maddie behind or forget her. Just keep that thing in mind you mentioned a while ago. Because of Maddie, Binky is still tucked away safely inside your belly. They might never meet, but Maddie helped Binky have an amazing start to life. Maddie will always be with you-in Binky’s heart especially.
.-= Tara.´s last blog ..Things I Love. =-.
Thank you for yet another beautiful post, Heather. Don’t think of the new year as leaving your babygirl behind, she will always be moving forward in all of our hearts. This coming year will only bring more opportunites to help so many familes with “Friends of Maddie” and all the other work you do to raise awareness for the children of this world. Wishing and praying that you, Mike, Binky, and Rigby have a fabulous and healthy 2010. And as always, sending much love Madeline’s way.
Oh Heather…. Maddie and Binky WILL meetm and one day your entire family WILL be together, forever.
God Bless you and Mike and your families. Thank you for opening your hearts to us.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
I thought of you this morning when I woke up today, the last day of 2009. I know it is difficult to say good bye to this year and say hello to a new year when you have lost someone.
Maddie is going to continue to light up people’s lives in the new year and the years to come, through your posts, Mike’s posts, Friends of Maddie, and the love of Maddie’s family, friends, and fans. And, of course, through Binky, her little sister we all are so excited to meet.
Happy New Year!
.-= Alison´s last blog ..Sunny and 60 is NOT Conducive for Sleigh Rides =-.
It will be better.
.-= mythoughtsonthat´s last blog ..Christmas Morning =-.
I felt the same way when I lost my Mom, Heather. I didn’t want to go to sleep the night she died. I have this funny thing where it’s still today until I go to sleep. Even when the clock ticks over from Midnight. As long as I stayed awake it was still May 5 and my Mom had lived that day. NYE was bittersweet for me. It was sch a bad year and I wanted a fresh start so badly, 2008 meant leaving my Mom behind. It was hard. When the clock struck midnight on NYE it was the first year my Mom had never seen and I hated it.
I think of you and Mike and Maddie and Binky often. We’re strangers, but you four stay in my heart and my mind. I wish you some MUCH deserved happiness in 2010.
.-= Jamie´s last blog ..Goodbye Aughts =-.
Your post reminds me of one of my closest friends. She has two oldest brothers and always assumed that she was the youngest of three kids. Then she found out that there had been another baby before any of them existed. There were no pictures of this baby in their house growing up. They don’t know if it was a boy or a girl. Their parents neve talked about the baby and never wanted to tell them anything. I understand that it must be hard for her parents but it breaks my heart to know that a baby is being forgotten.
I truly hope and believe that Binky will grow up knowing her sister. Just because Madeline isn’t here anymore doesn’t mean she isn’t part of the family, right?
Happy New Year Mike, Heather, Madeline, Binky, and Rigby!
Thank you for sharing, blessings to you and your family.
Happy New Year.
Praying for you and yours to have a wonderful and healthy 2010
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..A Mothers Sickness =-.
Praying for you at all times. Knowing that Binky will bring you joy and Maddie will be forever in your hearts. Your story has changed my life.
If you see my recent posts on both of my blog it is because of your Maddie that God came into my heart in the blog world. Thank you.
.-= Debby´s last blog ..MY HEART IS HEAVY WITH EMOTION =-.
Your life is such a dramatic microcosm of life in general – painful and achingly beautiful. Happy New Year to you all.
Wishing and praying that your family has a wonderful 2010, full of as much peace as a house with a newborn can have! Your precious Maddie’s spirit can be seen here on this blog, as she continues to touch so many people every day. Thank you for sharing your life with us and happy new year to you and your family!
.-= Jennie´s last blog ..Ups and downs =-.
Jessica Ortega says:
I never knew Maddie but not a week goes by that she is not in my thoughts and Heart. Your story has changed the way I view life in so many ways. Maddie will live in my heart forever. May you have a blessed 2010.
Even though Binky and Maddie will never meet here on earth, they have already met! Maddie is totally with Binky as she gets stronger, and she grows longer, and telling her all these amazing stories about how wonderful you and Mike are as Parents!
I’ve followed your blog since April, and this is the first time that I’ve commented. Many blessings to you and yours in 2010.
Jenny @ http://motherlawyercrazywoman.blogspot.com/ says:
Joy and happiness in the New Year! Happy almost 2010!
.-= Jenny @ http://motherlawyercrazywoman.blogspot.com/´s last blog ..Snow "Pees" =-.
You had my tears spilling within the first 2 lines. I’ve never met you, and yet your story, and Maddie’s, has completely touched my heart. As I read this post, I had such a strong impression that Maddie is there with Binky right now. Helping her prepare to come into your amazing family. I hope that 2010 is filled with peace, happiness, and joy in remembering the past & living in the present.
Michele Wallace says:
I understand your feelings of leaving 2009 behind, a whole new stage in your life will be occuring when 2010 comes! Thinking of you always and a beautiful post as always. Happy New Year to you!
every time the girls see that picture on my fridge, they say “baby belly” and pick up their shirts and expose their bellies. cant wait until they all meet this summer. love you always.
.-= Gemini-Girl´s last blog ..OBSESSED =-.
Happy New Year Heather, Mike, and Binky.
2010 here we come
Wishing you Peace, Joy and Hope.
Aunt Becky says:
Maddie is always in our hearts. I wish she were here with us.
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..What Tender Days We Had No Secrets Hid Away, Now It Seems About 100 Years Ago =-.
Michelle Pixie says:
Happy New Year!
You are an amazing and very creative photographer!
Peace & Love
.-= Michelle Pixie´s last blog ..Christmas 2009 =-.
You are beautiful Heather. I think that Maddie and Binky have met. I think Maddie sent Binky here to you, to take care of you and Mike and Rigby.
Happy New Year!
.-= Colleen´s last blog ..Merry Christmas =-.
i just know 2010 will be full of new beginnings and lots of happiness. of course, the loss of your baby girl will still be there, with you. you can do it though. you can still miss and love maddie and love and welcome binky in 2010. you can. and you will do whatever it is you need to do when the time comes. have faith in that.
try not to worry and fortune tell ( coming from someone who does do that…) just take it day by day. we are all thinking of you both. hugs
There are so many of us that will always be carrying both Maddie and Binky in our hearts. Wishing you much love and beautifuly things this coming year.
.-= Kellee´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday Diptych #3: Winter =-.
Kittay Skeezah says:
Can’t wait to see Binky! Happy New Year, Spohrs!
.-= Kittay Skeezah´s last blog ..Hotties of the Decade!! =-.
Sara in MN says:
Binky WILL get to meet Maddie. Hopefully not for a very very very long time, but she will. And you all will be together one day. I truly believe that. Hold that in your heart. Believe it. I do.
I love you. Happy New Year. While you leave 2009 behind you, know that Maddie is never far away, always in your heart.
.-= Kim´s last blog ..2009 =-.
“My heart is always going to be in two places, with two little girls that I love so much, two little girls that mean the world to me, two little girls who will never meet.”
That made me emotional and tear a little.
What a wonderful photo of “2010” on your belly. Binky who will be your future and Maddie who will ALWAYS be with you (time can never erase that). I hope you have a great year ahead of you, with finally meeting Binky and enjoying the first year of her life together, with you and Mike.
Take, care and God bless your family!
Mama Kat says:
I will never understand why this happens to mothers. Never. But you articulate so well what you are feeling…I absolutely can imagine myself working through those same emotions.
This year I look forward to “meeting” Binky…and though I know things will never be the same in your life and Maddy will always be loved and missed beyond understanding…I want to see a baby in those arms again. You will be amazing.
.-= Mama Kat´s last blog ..Writer’s Workshop: SPEECH!!! =-.
Love you, Heather, Binky, Mike, Maddie, and Rigby. I hope that 2010 is a good year for you, even though it will always been tinged with pain. There is a song by the Weepies called “The World Spins Madly On” that reminds me of your post today. I am always thinking of you guys.
.-= Deborah´s last blog ..New Drawing =-.
Here’s to taking the sweet memories of Madeline with you into 2010, and to welcoming Binky into your (and our) world. Your blog and your daughter’s life have touched me more than you will ever know – I carry her smile around in my mind every day.
Happy New Year to you, Mike, Rigby, Binky, and your families.
P.S. LOVE the belly picture!!
.-= Susan´s last blog ..Got something on your mind? Say it. No worries. =-.
Praying for a wonderful 2010, with memories of the past lingering on and on.
.-= Corinne´s last blog ..~2009~ =-.
Your writing is magic. Know that so many people who don’t even know you are thinking of your 2009 and it has made us all more aware of this precious life. Tonight as I light my New Year’s Eve candles, I light one for you and Mike and both of your daughters.
May 2010 bring you love, happiness, laughter, and joy. May it bring you health and good tidings.
I hope you go into 2010 knowing that you have touched so many people’s lives. And for me, you have opened my heart and made me a better person, even if we only know each other via the internet.
I have learned so much from you this year, Heather. I have learned to hold my son a little closer.
I pray that 2010 will bring nothing but joy to you and Mike. Go with faith!
.-= damaris´s last blog ..A Year in Review =-.
Alicia @bethsix says:
They’ll never meet, but Binky will love her big sister like nobody’s business. Maddie will be in the hearts of many, many people forever.
.-= Alicia @bethsix´s last blog ..Decade the Next =-.
Marti from Michigan says:
LOTS of tears were spilling as I was reading your post. It is now 2010 as I type this. You will never, ever, ever leave Maddie behind. It has been 36 years since I lost my preemie son, and though I miss him, it’s different now. I know where he is and I know I will see him again some day. I have an adult daughter and 4 grandkids. Somehow, the years flew by. He has a tiny grave close by to his grandparents (my parents).
Maddie will ALWAYS be near.
I pray good and wonderful things for the Spohr family in 2010 and beyond.
Keep cooking Binky, and keep kicking the Incredible Hulk “doll” off the belly!
Shannon Kieta says:
It will be better… How could it NOT be? New Baby! Healthy Baby! How could that not be a good start? All my love goes out to you and Mike for all you have been through with Maddie. Now it’s time to look ahead and be happy with Binky and Maddie, oh and Rigby too! How is the little bugger? Feeling better I hope! Take care and have a good holiday!
Expat Mom says:
Yes, this year has to be better. You’ve been through the worst thing a parent can be through and you’ve survived. It’s going to take time, but Binky is going to be a huge help. Here’s to finding new joys in 2010.
Maria Delgado says:
I pray your New Year is filled with peace, joy and blessings.
I discovered your blog when Maddie passed, and I’ve followed ever since. Even though I didn’t know Maddie, she truly touched my heart. My daughter and I released balloons for her, and we purchased “Maddie’s Monster” which she will not go to sleep without each night. Words cannot express how my heart breaks for you.
As you enter 2010, I know that Maddie will continue to live in your heart. I’ll be praying for for full term delivery for Binky, and praying that this year brings you much joy and happiness.
.-= Ames´s last blog ..2009 Year in Pictures =-.
You have such a way with words, Heather. I feel like you give us a window into your mind.
I am sorry to see 2009 go and yet so hopeful for 2010.
Happy New Year!
Heather and Mike, wishing you an incredible 2010, you are an inspiration to us all, thank you!!
You can never leave Maddie behind. None of us can. She is everywhere. She’s in the trees (especially when the morning sun comes shining through the branches), she’s in my morning coffee (and yours too once Binky is born), she’s in the moon (so you don’t have to feel lonely at night) and you’ll see her every time Binky smiles. I have a feeling she planned it that way. She’s wily like that.
Time may move forward but don’t for one minute think anyone can forget about your sweet Madeline. We all love you guys so much! Just look at all of these freaking comments!
.-= Stefanie´s last blog ..Happy New Year Booze Hounds =-.
Happy New Year!
Lots of love always!
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..keeping it clean =-.
Dee Dee says:
LOVE THE PHOTO! One of the best I have ever seen!
Marti from Michigan says:
As an afterthought, this was printed on the back of my mother’s “funeral” cards, and it was a poem she liked as well. It’s definitely Maddie, after reading Stefanie’s post above:
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
I am the song that will never end.
I am the love of family and friend.
I am the child who has come to rest
In the arms of the Father who knows him best.
When you see the sunset fair,
I am the scented evening air.
I am the joy of a task well done.
I am the glow of the setting sun.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die.
May Our God continue to bless your entire family in 2010 and beyond.
This is beautiful.
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..Christmas =-.
I feel similarly. 2009 is a beast for taking my child, but in my case, 2009 also gave me my child and the best 5 days of my life. Can’t know exactly how you feel, but can relate to having mixed emotions to see the year and decade go.
.-= Kristine´s last blog ..Cora’s story =-.
Marti from Michigan says:
I read about your nightmare too Kristine. I am so sorry. I will keep you in my prayers too.
Wishing you peace and joy in the New Year
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..Christmas =-.
Michelle W says:
I for one am excited to read the adventures of Binky in 2010 and will never forget Maddie’s adventures and beautiful life. It is amazing to me how much a family and precious little girl I’ve never met can me so much to me.
I never know what to say. So I guess that means I shouldn’t post? But after reading this, I feel the need to write, the need to express how moving your words are. I’m sitting here in Missouri, miles and miles from you. My daughter is napping. She is 4 days short of 18 months. When she turned 17 months-old, I could not help but think about you often — how much I relish my daughter, how much I’ve come to love the person she is. When Madeline died, my daughter (Greta) was 10 months old. Seventeen months seemed so foreign to me… I’m waiting for my daughter to wake up from her nap because I want to squeeze her and hold her and smell her and feel blessed for being able to do those things. Maddie’s death will never have a reason/explanation/purpose, but I do want to thank you for opening your soul. Like many of your other readers/commenters, I feel like your words have inspired me to be a better mother. Thank you for that.
.-= Andrea´s last blog ..1/365 =-.
To the new and the cherished.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..If you only listen =-.
Happy New Year Heather! Wishing you all the best that 2010 has to offer!!! XOXO
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..Blogger Football League – Week 16 =-.
Your words hit close to home for me as well. Part of me feels like leaving 2009 behind means leaving Connor behind as well. It’s definitely difficult to face.
I hope you and your family have a wonderful new year and that 2010 is a great year of remembering Maddie as well as welcoming Binky!
.-= Stacey´s last blog ..Goodbye 2009 =-.
Wow! This post describes the exact feelings that swept over me unexpectedly once all the cheering and kissing was over. I wanted to take my husband into the other room and cry for a moment, but everyone else was celebrating and I didn’t want to spoil it for them. 2009 was spent anticipating and loving and preparing for Demetri. It is the only year he was alive, though unborn. I know it can’t be 2009 forever, but I’m not ready to move on.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Oh my sweet sister: you could have left the room! Frankly, I was having a hard time that night too~I didn’t want to celebrate 2009 or toast 2010: life is too uncertain and to say “Happy New Year” just seems to offer to false hope. The distractions of the evening were good but the sorrow in my heart was practically overflowing. I wasn’t smoking as much as you may have thought: I was outside crying. We would have all cried with you that night! Mom went to bed early because she couldn’t keep from crying.. It’s not just the loss of Demetri: it’s knowing the pain you’re going thru. I hate it all and wish is wasn’t like this. T&M cried that night too. You aren’t alone in this, baby girl.
We love you & J and miss Demetri oh so much too.
.-= Mary´s last blog ..Uninspired? =-.
I understand completely about not wanting to leave the year because it’s where she was. For every new thing that happens,I yearn for my nephew and how far away the last time I saw him was, and how he’s never seen our new house, or his baby sisters, or his cousins getting older. For the rest of our lives, everything will be sweetness tinged with sadness at what could have been. The only thing that has made it better is that I’m used to that feeling now, so it’s easier to deal with and still be able to enjoy the moment. I pray that you will reach that point as well, although it’s going to be so hard.
As Cindy said, none of us will leave Maddie behind — she will live on in our hearts. I’m wearing my purple hoodie and thinking of you and your family!
Mary Ann says:
Who doesn’t love pants on Dr. appointments! So happy to hear that Binky is doing so well. I love, love, love reading your blog and have been praying for Maddie, your family, and a healthy full term Binky. Even though we have never met, I am so excited for you and so looking forward to Binky’s birthday! You’ll be holding her in your arms before you know it. Congratulations