I walked down the stairs at my parents’ house and turned into the family room. My mom and her two sisters were there, trying on shoes. I grabbed some shoes and joined in.
My Aunt Terry and I started teasing my mom and Aunt Kathy about their wide feet. Terry and I can buy shoes without trying them on, but Kathy and my mom had to spend hours finding a comfortable pair.
Kathy said, “No, shoes fit me just fine now.” She and her sisters laughed.
I left the family room and walked down the hall, turning right into a bedroom. My grandma was there, sitting in her rocking chair, working on a quilt.
“What do you think?” She asked, holding it up for me. It was the Grandmother’s Fan pattern, like the one she’d made for me many years ago, but this one was all in shades of purple. “It’s beautiful Grammy,” I said, hugging her.
“The girls are waking up,” my grandma said. I looked over, and two little girls were stirring on the bed. One had brown curly hair, the other blond curls.
“Hi babies!” I said. “Hi mama!” said the blond one with blue-green eyes. “Mama!” said the one with blue-gray eyes and brown hair. I helped them each off the bed, and they walked off down the hall together holding hands, the blond one taller than her sister.
I opened my eyes in my own bed. I’d dreamed of them all.
I felt so alone.
Jenn says:
I’m sorry you felt all alone but I am happy you were able to see your aunt, grammy & Maddie in your dreams. And I’m glad they all seemed so happy…..I just wished you did.
Difficult month….I know. Sending you a warm hug, Lots of Love & endless friendship. And Heather….if I could….if I really could….I would bring them ALL back to you!!!! I’m just so sorry I can’t.
edenland says:
Heather I love you so much. So much. I keep looking at the calender, waiting. Wondering how you are doing. I have bought so many things for Annabel that I am now flat broke … true story. I have to wait til tomorrow to get paid so I can afford the frickin postage, over to La La Land.
I’d give you the world, if I could. I have been reading your blog for a long time now … and have watched it and you change and grow and evolve. I am so proud of you.
I miss Maddie.
I always tell Max before he goes to bed .. “I’ll meet you in dreamland, sweetheart.” And even though I can’t remember it, I’m sure we do meet up, our two Souls floating around together for a while.
XOXOXOX
InDueTime says:
Those dreams are amazing when we’re in the moment, but it sure sucks the life out of them when we wake up and realize that it was, just a dream.
I wish they were all here for you, in living breathing bodies and not just in spirit.
Love you Heather. Hang in there. xoxo
debi says:
Oh my, they were all there, came to see you. I know they visit us in our dreams. They know this is a hard time for you right now. They came for a reason. I may sound crazy but really, I believe this to be true. So many of us who don’t know you in the real world want to be there for you but we cannot. Your beloved ones can and did. Sending you big hugs Heather.
karen says:
My thoughts exactly Debi!
All the people you miss the most visited you to show that they are still with you, looking after you and caring for you.
When my Grandfather first died I would often see him out of the corner of my eye. I mentioned this to my husband who said he’d known he was there but hadnt wanted to say anything to me about it. As time has gone on I see him less and less, I think this is because he knows I’m ok with him having died. But every now and again, when things are really tough, I feel his hand on my shoulder telling me I’m not alone. I know that hand will be there for me for the rest of my life.
The people that visited you in you dream are showing you that they are still there for you, loving you, and will be forever.
Tam says:
Sometimes dreams make reality hurt even more.
Thinking of you.
Mijke says:
That must have been a dream you NEVER wanted to wake up from. I’m so sorry you did. Wait, that sounds wrong. I’m glad you woke up of course. Just so sorry there’s so many important people you can only still meet in dreams and memories…
That would have been such a wonderful sight, those two precious girls holding hands together. I’m sure Maddie visits Annie in HER dreams too. To take her by the hand and show her all the wonders of the world and beyond!
*HUG*
Lisa says:
Oh, Heather, I’m so glad you got to see them in your dreams, spend time with them in your dreams.
Love and hugs.
Mommy says:
Me too. I am so glad you got to spend time with them- even if it was not enough. It will never be enough.
Love to you, Mama Spohr!
HeatherMarie says:
Thinking of you.
sarah says:
Hugs. My heart hurts for you. I do love the dreams where our Hayley comes to visit. I often am left wondering what she would be like.
Audra says:
Thinking of you.
Lisa says:
I, too, believe that those we love visit us in our dreams. I think their spirits are always around us, but when we dream our minds open up and let them in. When my dad was in the hospital, I had a dream that we were having a party and he walked in! He said he just decided he was done with being in the hospital so he came home. I was so happy! The second I woke up, I knew he had died. I just knew it. But he came to me in a dream to let me know that it was ok and we should celebrate. That was such a powerful transforming moment.
Separation is so hard. But for me believing we WILL all be together again some day makes it easier to bear. My heart is heavy for you and Mike. But knowing you have your family – all of them! – with you, lifting you up when you are sad brings peace.
Sweet dreams…
Heather says:
It was a horrible night for dreams all around. Mine were filled with terror and memories of the exhusband. Almost always happens when I’ve talked or written about him the day before.
I’m sorry you woke up feeling so alone, it’s hard to know if seeing her in your dreams is a blessing or curse I guess.
Leigh Elliott says:
What a beautiful and heart wrenching dream. I am thinking of you all so much this week especially. Take comfort in Mike and Annie and hold each other tight. {{hugs}}
Julia says:
Heather….I believe you just had a real visit with your loves.
Momma Lioness Michele says:
I thought this was a beautiful dream, and truly a sign from your loved ones. I’m sorry you felt so much pain when you woke. I am thinking of you and your family during this terribly difficult week. I hope your loved ones , especially your Maddie, continue to send you signs and messages that bring you comfort.
AmazingGreis says:
(((hugs))) Love you!
Maya says:
You know these dreams are not dreams after all. You saw them. You heard them.. you felt them.
I wish I could be there this week. I wish I were with you.
I love you so so much.
The pain will always be so raw.
I pray for this week to pass. for the pain to subside even if only an ounce.
Love you.
Jenn says:
Heather, I can only hope that in the moment of the dream, you felt a measure of comfort. I can only imagine how earth-shatteringly awful you felt upon waking. I believe they visited you, knowing you needed every bit of strength and knowledge that they are all fine. I’m praying for you and Mike.
Samantha says:
i wish i had something useful or helpful to say, but i just don’t. i’m just very sorry….that’s all i can say.
so many people love you and your girls and Maddie’s life has affected so many that never even knew her. you daughter changed and continues to change people’s lives…an accomplishment that many parents may never have the joy of experiencing. what an amazing little girl. you should be one proud mama.
Jessica says:
Oh, Heather. My heart is breaking for you. I pray for you and your family every night. I wish I could give you a hug! Just know that many people think and pray about your family. Maddie’s life touched SO many people. Lots of love today, and always.
Nikki says:
? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Thinking of you and your family always, but especially this week.
XOXO from GA,
Nikki
Nikki says:
Sorry, those were supposed to be hearts!!
Joanna says:
I thinking of you, Mike, Annie, and the rest of your family this week. I hope this dream at least brought you some comfort.
I’ve always told my close friends and family that if they didn’t believe in themselves or feel strong enough it was okay because I would believe in them/be strong enough for them.
I know I don’t know you, but I will be strong for you if you need it.
amourningmom says:
What a beautiful dream and post. I have had dreams of my sons. Waking up and figuring out it was all just a dream is like a sucker punch. I just want to stay asleep.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all. I wish I had magic words I could write to ease your pain. Take care.
J+1 says:
They were visiting you and showing you their love. I believe that with all my heart.
giselle says:
I’m so sorry Heather
I hope that it’s a small comfort to think that wherever they are, they are together. They too love and miss you.
Kim says:
i know, i know, i know.
love you.
SJ says:
I read everyday, but very very rarely comment.
But my first thought after reading this? You got to see heaven, a little, last night. That’s exactly it. I believe it; I really do.
Chantel says:
Savor those dreams, honey. Your head is giving you what your heart desperately needs; the ability to watch your girls interact and grow up together, surrounded by their family. Oh, it’s not the same (of course it’s not!), but it can still be treasured. I hope that these dreams will eventually leave you feeling like you’ve been given a gift instead of more grief.
Trisha Vargas says:
Some times, I love it when my Dad visits me in my dreams and I can see him and hug just once more and at other times, it just makes it that much harder. It leaves me empty once I wake up and realize it was just a dream.
I can’t imagine how hard this week is going to be on you and Mike. I’d like to think what everyone else has said above, that they were visiting you to bring you extra strength and comfort during these difficult coming days.
I know these are just words, but I am thinking of you all so much and sending lot of hugs your way.
(((HUGS))) from Florida
Jenny says:
I’ve always been told that when you dream of someone who has passed away, they are actually there, visiting you. You are really talking to them! It’s comforting, and heartbreaking, all at the same time.
Sending you lots of hugs today.
Kristi says:
Tears for you and sadness…but I’m so glad you got to see Maddie (and your Aunt and Grandma) in your dream.
I know this is a hard week for you. Sending you hugs…
Meg...ct says:
Wishing you peace
red pen mama says:
Oh, honey, I know. My heart breaks for you. I dream of a big brother for my kids sometimes, too. I know.
nicol says:
(((HUGS)))
Vanessa says:
I’ve been reading your blog since Maddie was in NICU however I rarely comment. I just want you to know that people EVERYWHERE are thinking of your Maddie Moo this week and always. She is never far from my mind and when I have hard days with my kids – I think of her and have dreamt of her too on occasion.
We will be wearing purple on Thurs for Maddie.
Prayers from Newfoundland, Canada
gq says:
*hugs* i don’t know what to say…but do know that we’ll always be here for you and the entire Spohr family!
Katy says:
But what a beautiful dream! To be with all of them at once.
At least you can know that even when you aren’t in there with them, they are all together. Your grandma, your aunt, and Maddie are all taking good care of each other, loving each other, and loving you.
–Katy
Elizabeth says:
I believe highly that people who are no longer with us come visit us in our dreams, I’m glad to hear they are all happy it seems Maddie is well taken care of! I know this is a very hard week, month for you so I’m sending you and your family big hugs.
Katrina @ They All Call Me Mom says:
Sounds like a wonderful dream. I just wish it weren’t only a dream
My grandmother passed away 4 years ago and I dream of her about…. oh, maybe once every other month. I look forward to those dreams. I love those dreams. But every single time when I wake up and realize it was only a dream…it stabs me right in the heart.
I can only imagine how for you, dreaming of Maddie would be 10x worse, when waking up, and realizing it was only a dream. Beautiful in the moment, but oh, so hard when you wake up.
amanda says:
Love you.
Claire says:
Such a powerful post and dream. I’m thinking of you this week.
Meg says:
Add me to the chorus of replies who believe our departed loved ones show up in our dreams. Every once in a while, my dad shows up. We don’t have much to say to each other but it’s like oh, good, I know you’re here, and it’s so good to see you. He died in 1982, when I was only 14.
Mommy says:
I got chills reading this… I so wish you could have all those wonderful girls together in one room.
Love and hugs and prayers, always.
marlene says:
i can’t stop reading this post over and over again.
Penbleth says:
Oh Heather, I’m so sorry. I wish there was something more I could say. Hugs.
Anna says:
It must have seemed so real; I know you were sad and disappointed when you woke up. But I’m so happy that you got to see your loved ones again, if only in a dream. It must be their special way of sending you love and letting you know they’re still with you.
Rumour Miller says:
What a beautiful dream it was though. I am sorry it left you feeling alone.
Ms. A says:
I miss my dreams, I know I still have them, but rarely remember. How fortunate that your loved ones are able to remain in contact with you, in dreamland. I long for that.
Pattie says:
What a beautiful, heartbreaking dream. I like to think they were visiting you to make sure you were okay, and to let you know they were okay. I know that’s what I like to think when I dream of my grandmother.
Deborah says:
~*~endless hugs~*~
Carrie says:
Oh, Heather, I wish I could make your dream be reality. What a beautiful, heartbreaking post. I’m praying for you and sending virtual hugs your way.
Lisa says:
My mother lost my brother almost three years ago, granted he was a young adult, it was still a traumatic loss for her (as well as me). This is her most haunting type of dream and it always rocks her to her core. I’m sorry that you had one of those dreams because it is so hard to wake up from. I know this month will be hard, and I’ll keep thinking about you and wishing you comfort.
Elizabeth says:
I believe that those dreams are your loved ones visiting you from beyond. I am not some crazy kook I’ve just had those dreams too and it settles my heart to think that they are visiting me.
Jamie says:
I believe this too.
Glenda says:
Heather, what a beautiful dream. I’m sure they are telling you it’s okay we are right there with you. Thinking of you, Mike, Annie and the rest of your family this week. Sending you hugs!!!
Molly says:
That is a beautiful dream.
After my sister died, after my nephew died, and after my father died, each time I had dreams like this which made me feel, when I woke up, like they had died all over again. It was horrible. I would have a tremendously sad day that day, and it seemed impossible to explain to people that because of my vivid dream, my loved one(s) had died all over again that morning. It sounded crazy.
Anyway, I feel so much for you for the horrible feeling of waking up to reality.
Nanette says:
It’s so bittersweet to have those moments with our loved ones who are no longer with us.
Much love to you, hon.
aimee says:
I love that you had such a wonderful and beautiful dream, some people may not think of it as a gift but after loosing both my mom and daughter within a year and half of each other, i find that those types of dreams are gifts from above:) hugs to you.
Holli (B's Mom) says:
It’s been three years and I still have dreams about my daughter every once in awhile. A few times they have been so jolting that I have that “feeling” all day. It sucks. I’ve never had a good dream about her.
Amy says:
You are not ever alone. Those you love that are gone from here are always with you. I know it’s not the same… Or good enough… How could it ever be? But you’re never alone.
Lisa says:
First time commenting… found your blog last summer via Brittany’s. I just had to say something because I know just how this type of dream feels. My dad passed away just about 3 years ago from colon cancer (just 2 weeks between his diagnosis and his passing), and I’ll still occasionally have very vivid, realistic dreams of him, where he’s still alive and we’re interacting in some way. In one, I was making him a sandwich. In another, we’re hugging. Even though they’re simple, they feel so real that it takes me a few moments after I wake up to “remember” that he’s gone. I cannot begin to express how excruciating those moments are.
But, I too believe that he visits me in these dreams, as they typically occur when I’m having a particularly hard time dealing with it, and so I try to focus on the simple joy I feel in these dreams, and that my dad is still taking care of me to this day. And I feel the same with you and your loved ones, especially Maddie. You took wonderful care of her while you could, and now she’s taking care of you.
Alexandra :) says:
Awh, Heather, that was so…bittersweet. I’m happy that you got to see Maddie in your dream but sad for you that you had to wake up.
Elizabeth says:
My younger brother past away at 3 months old, he was just 1 year younger than me and 3 years younger than my older brother. I dont have any actually memories of him but I dream about him every so often. Its like I have watched him grow up in my dreams as every time he appears he looks like the approximate age he would be. As a family we share when we dream about him and eerily enough when we describe what he looks like my older brother and my descriptions always match. We insist that he is with us all the time and I enjoy watching him grow up.
Donna says:
I’ve “stalked” your blog for a while now…from the beginning. I usually don’t post but my heart aches for you…just want you to know I pray for you and your family every night.
With Love,
Domma
LisaJ says:
I wish so much that I could give you back what you have lost.
I have only been reading your blog since November of last year, but you have had such a profound impact on my life and my parenting.
Thank you so much.
Laura says:
Just found you through Mamapundit. What a bittersweet dream. Wishing you peace.
Molly says:
My son’s birthday will be on Thursday…and it is a happy time for me that also leave me with such a sadness for you. I remember reading about your sweet girl and I cannot imagine how tough this week is for you and your family…
I’m glad you saw your girls together in your dream and I am so, so sorry that you don’t get to hear the, “Hi, Mama” from the taller one with blond hair. ((hugs))
Ray says:
“Ohmygod,” is what I said when I read this. Wow. What a dream. Was this recent…? I wish that Maddie & Grammy were here with you, Annie and Mike. <3<3<3<3<3
Dawn @ What's Around the Next Bend? says:
That just shows you they are ALWAYS with you… EVERY single one of them… because you carry them with you in your heart.
pgoodness says:
Heather, thinking of you and Maddie and Annie always. Dreams like that are so lovely…until you wake up. I’m sorry it was just a dream. xo