I open my mouth to scream, but no sound comes out.
It happens again.
And again.
And again.
My eyes burn.
There’s a lump in my throat.
I feel out of focus.
My stomach churns and I struggle to not vomit.
I can’t be alone, but I don’t want to talk.
How has it been two years since she was last at home?
How has it been almost two years since she looked me in the eyes and smiled?
Even when she was sick she smiled at me, my sweet precious girl.
I’m not OK
I’m not OK
I’m really not OK.
It’s harder than last year, and “the day” isn’t until tomorrow.
How are we supposed to live without her?
How can ANYONE live without her?
I am greater because she was here, and I am less
because she is gone.
I am not OK
I am not OK
I am really
not OK.
Amanda says:
weeping for you.
praying for you.
Melissa says:
You are a wonderful mother two two beautiful little girls. Maddie never wanted for anything in her short, precious life. You gave her everything, INCLUDING life. Annie and Maddie are so lucky to have a mommy like you and a dad like Mike.
You are not living without Madeline. Madeline lives inside you.
Gemini-Girl says:
I adore this comment… so so heartbreakingly true.
AJ says:
You are not living without Madeline. Madeline lives inside you.
This is beautiful Melissa.
Jamie says:
I love Melissa’s comment too. She lives inside you and you breathe her every day.
Stacy says:
Melissa has said it perfectly. Hugs, tears and prayers for you, Mike and Annie.
Rachel says:
perfectly said. Love and Hugs to you, Mike, and Annie.
AngieM. says:
with tears streaming down my face.
melissa what you said is SO true…and so beautiful!
vickie says:
that was a lovely way to put it.
Nancy Smego says:
I could not agree more with with what Melissa said. One foot in front of the other…and I wish I could just hug you.
Nicole says:
Yes, this is exactly the sentiment I would say if I were better with words.
You are loved.
Mommy says:
Cried when I read this post; cried again when I read this comment… and all the others. Your family, and your gorgeous Maddie, are so, so loved.
Lifting you up in prayer, Mama Spohr.
Nicole says:
My heart breaks over and over for you, Heather. Praying for all of you.
Melissa, that comment is beautiful, and so completely true. Thank you for saying it in a way I wouldn’t have been able to.
Lisa says:
What I know for sure: the world was a better place because Madeline was in it…
Sending love & prayers to you & your family.
Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
Sending lots of love and hugs, and holding you in my heart, as always.
Lise says:
Thinking of you this week. Such a tough, tough anniversary.
Amy Collen says:
It has been awhile since I said this but I am still in that marathon with you, Heather.
Lynnette says:
Breathe. Just breathe. Know that there are readers, friends really, the world over that are sending you and your family virtual hugs to get through today, tomorrow, and each and every day. If you can just breathe this week you can get past the anniversary dates. We love you all!
Lindsey says:
Well said, Lynnette! All of us who read your blog are hurting with you, remembering Maddy with you and for you. She won’t be forgotten. Her sweet life was and is an inspiration for all of us! And so is your love and devotion to Mike and Annabelle and your dear sweet Maddy!
Noelle says:
Sending you all the strength and love imaginable to get through this unimaginable day. Love.
debi says:
Oh Heather, This post more than any gives me a feeling of what it’s like in your shoes. I can hear and feel your silent screams. I lost my little guy April 26 1971. But what you went through and are going through is so much worse. There are no words cuz if there were one of us would have said them to you by now. So many love your sweet Maddie. I never knew her yet almost daily something happens to remind me of her. One of my favorites is the Beyonce video “Put a Ring On It” I think is the name. My daughter and I just call it Maddies song. She always makes me smile. Even though crying may usually follow, her cute little personality makes so many smile. I thought of you so much today knowing what is coming. I don’t know how you will get through that day but you will have a million people sending love you prayers to you and Mike. Heather thank you so much for sharing your sweet little girls with us. love to you all,
Rike says:
Dear Heather,
hang in there… and like Lynette said: breathe! I hope that all our thoughts and virtual hugs will help you and Mike through this week and the tough times ahead. You are not alone in this!
k says:
Sending Maddie’s Mama, Daddy, little Sister, Uncles, Aunties, Grandparents, Dear Friends all my love. She is not, never can be forgotten your shining girl with the golden curls. Hold each other tight.
just jen says:
no, i doubt you’ll ever be at a level you once defined as “ok.” you’re changed by a grief no one should ever endure. but you are here. and you bear witness to all that she was here. and that matters. because she matters. and for as long as you can, for as long as your allowed, you will continue to bear witness to the awe and wonder that is Maddy, her doll of a sister, her proud papa, and her amazing mama.
so hold fast to the shore, sweet one. the undertow has threatened to pull you out before. you always make it to land, tho a bit battered and tender for the thrashing. but you always find your legs are stronger than you thought they’d be.
edenland says:
Lighting a candle for you sweetheart. Sending my love and thoughts and prayers and everything.
I want to hold your grief for a while, for you.
Everything I want to write feels so inadequate. I want to light up the world for you. I would do anything to make you feel better. xoxox
Jenn says:
My eyes are red and swollen from weeping.
My heart is heavy and sad and the sound of it’s beating rings in my ear.
Life can be down right cruel and unforgiving at times.
A beautiful baby girl who had her mother’s gorgeous blue eyes is suddenly gone.
So is the sound of her beautiful voice and laughter that use to fill the air around her with such innocent joy….total BLISS for those lucky enough to witness her glory!!
She is loved as equally as she is missed by the world.
The world…once filled with bright, wonderful colours as Spring begins to bloom, is now dull, flat and cold….even the sun has lost it’s glow.
My friend is hurting…the most profound sorrow pours from her very being.
My beautiful friend…She is Not Okay….
As I read her words and feel her profound grief, I am unable to breathe as tears silently fall from my face.
My beautiful friend is NOT Okay
and so…either am I.
Liz says:
Beautiful words Jenn!
Dana says:
Praying for you Heather and thinking of you on this sad day =(
Penbleth says:
Thinking of you all.
InDueTime says:
I wish I could bring Maddie back for you. She is NOT forgotten, nor will she ever be. And no, it’s not okay she’s not here.
We love you Heather, Mike, and Annie.
Jackie S. says:
Thinking of you, Mike and your family today and everyday. I don’t know your pain- I can’t even come close to imagining it. Still, you and your family are honestly loved by me- a stranger. I laugh with you on better days, and I truly cry at the pain in your posts on the bad ones.
I can’t wish your pain away- that would be lessening who Maddie was to you. So, I want you to know that even though you feel isolated within your grief, you are NOT alone. Along with the hundreds of others who read your posts, I root for you guys daily. I know it’s small comfort, but please remember how loved you all are and know that Maddie will NEVER be forgotten. Never.
Jackie
Lisa says:
Holding you so tight in my heart. Sending you thoughts of peace and love as you struggle to get through this week. Remember that she is not forgotten. She could never be forgotten. We are out here loving her, remembering and holding you up.
So much love and many, many hugs.
Alison says:
Thinking of you xxxxxxxxx
ally says:
I love you Lou Lou.
Brittany says:
I wish I could carry this weight for you all.
I love you so much.
Kristen says:
To Heather and Mike. I’ve never met you guys and probably never will but I have to say how I admire you both. I am thinking and raying for you this week. I know nothing can take away the pain but just know that you have loads of people, near and far that are thinking of you. Hugs.
Vicky says:
All we can do is try to hold you and Mike up while you walk this terrible path. I’m so sorry.
Meg says:
I am so sorry.
Wishing your heart peace during your most difficult days.
anotherheatherfromcanada says:
Oh Heather, I cry for you and Mike and your family. There aren’t even any words, just know that you always have our love and prayers, today and everyday.
Jenny says:
This is beautiful. I know it is not enough but I wish you sweet dreams and memories of your Maddie.
Tori says:
I cannot begin to imagine your grief or your life without Maddie. I am so sorry that you have to face such a sad anniversary. Sending thoughts and prayers to you Heather, and Mike, and Annie, and the rest of your extended family today all the way from New Zealand.
Sherri says:
Hugs. Just Hugs.
Sue says:
Oh, Heather…………………………………….if only all of us, or even just one of us, could take your pain away………………………..
Gertie says:
A million Moms’ hearts break for you…. mine included.
LisaJ says:
Heather,
It is certainly not ok.
I wish so much that this had not happened to your family.
Weeping anew for all of you.
Katie says:
Thinking of you.
Lisa says:
Praying for your heart.
Paige says:
Heather, I am holding you in my heart. I cannot imagine the pain you must feel. I am so very sorry that you have to endure this terrible terrible loss. So many hugs and so much love sent to you.
Love, Paige
Alexandra :) says:
So sorry Heather! Wish I could just give you a big hug right now. Or that I could give you your Maddie back. But I can’t
amy says:
It is NOT ok that Maddie is not here and it never will be. So very sorry for your pain. She will be forever remembered.
Tara-Lynn says:
Oh Heather….this post breaks my heart. You have gone through the worst thing a Mommy could ever face….losing her beautiful and precious child. The way you have shared your ups and downs with all of us has made sure that Maddie’s memory will live forever for her family and to literally millions of people who have never met her.
The pictures of her with those sweet curls and beautiful smile will stay in all of our hearts.
There are no words to take away your pain, but I hope it gives you a teeny tiny bit of comfort just knowing how many of us out here are standing at your side, praying, and sending hugs your way.
I love Melissa’s comment about how Maddie lives inside of you. It is so true…especially the way you are making sure Annie knows all about her amazing bis sister.
Lots of Love to you and your family…xoxo
Karen says:
There aren’t words and yet we still try. I wrote this for another family who lost their little girl, in honour of my amazingly strong parents who lost their firstborn the year before I was born. From the link in the chain over here in Australia, I wish you all the strength and love you need to get you through this impossible anniversary.
Look, Mommy, I Can Fly!
Do you remember the first time I said hello, Mommy?
The little butterfly flutters as I started to grow.
Do you remember what you told me then, Mommy?
How much you loved me and all your hopes and dreams for me.
Do you remember the first time you saw me, Mommy?
My cries were my first song of praise, but not my last.
Do you remember what you told me then, Mommy?
That you would look after me forever and never let any harm come to me.
Do you remember the good times, Mommy?
Learning to crawl, to walk, to talk, to hug.
Do you remember the fun and laughter, Mommy?
Making friends and learning new things, you were always so proud of me.
Do you remember my smile, Mommy?
Do you remember my voice?
Do you remember my favourite food?
Do you remember my face?
Do you remember my fears?
Do you remember the sad times?
Do you remember my pain?
Does it make you feel sad, Mommy?
Then there’s something you should know.
Look, Mommy, I can fly!
For so long, you held me up so high I could almost touch the sky,
But when you let go of me, Mommy, I soared.
And you didn’t let me down, Mommy, you did just as you said you would.
You showed me the path to take, and I followed it without fear.
I’m not lonely up here, Mommy, I see you every day.
It doesn’t hurt anymore, Mommy.
It doesn’t hurt.
So, remember the good times, Mommy.
Remember my smile.
Remember the fun we had, and the things we learnt,
Remember the time we shared.
But most of all, Mommy, remember that I am only a short lifetime away.
I have your place saved beside me, and I’ve so much I want to show you.
Remember the gentle grace that guides us all,
And remember, Mommy, that God and I are always right beside you.
Do you remember, Mommy, how much I love you?
Linda says:
Very beautiful!!
Deborah says:
Crying with you. Mourning with you. Loving you.
(((hugs)))
Lora says:
Thinking of you, sending care and concern.
kalen says:
We are heart-broken and remembering her along with you.
kbreints says:
(((hugs))) You are in my thoughts ans prayers…
Anna Marie says:
I don’t know how you live without Maddie, but you are doing so with grace and love. I can’t believe she’s been gone for nearly 2 years and my heart breaks each time I see her picture, every time you mention her name. I know your pain is unbearable. I’m sorry. I’m just so sorry you have to endure it.
Candy says:
Thinking of you all, I wish I could do more than send a big hug across the miles.
Momma Lioness Michele says:
I’m so sorry for your grief, I’m so sorry your Maddie isn’t here with you as she should be, I’m so sorry for your pain, I’m just so damn sorry, Heather and Mike. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
jessica says:
I am a regular reader of your blog (an occasional commenter) and my heart is with you this week and pretty much always…you and your family are living a parents very worst nightmare and I only pray you find peace in knowing that Maddie is okay and safe and never going to hurt again! I think you are a role model to parents…take care of yourself this week!
Jenny Greene says:
Thinking of you and your sweet Maddie in the coming days. Know that she lives on — through you, Mike and Annie, and the countless others whose lives she touched. It’s sort of strange, I guess, but I find myself thinking about her often and I’ve never met any of you. But those big, beautiful eyes and infectious smile aren’t to be forgotten.
Prayers for peaceful hearts.
Mary says:
Although it does nothing to ease your pain, please know that you are surrounded by love and support. And we will all help pick you up when you’re ready.
Marianne says:
I still remember this day so clearly. You and your family and most, most of all sweet Maddie are in my thoughts on this and every day.
Editdebs says:
Holding you in my heart today and tomorrow.
Kristen says:
I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it must be to loose a child. Please know that I am sending positve thoughts your way. I am thinking alot about your family this week.
marcia says:
I have no adequate words…just sending much love and many prayers. I am wearing my Maddie bracelet just for her today. The kids and I will also make special donations to our local ‘toybox’ for children in need. We started doing it last year because the kids thought it would be a nice way to honor the little girl they came to know through your blog. I hope it comforts you to know how inspiring that beautiful girl has been! Her spirit continues to enlighten so many. xoxo
Tricia (irishsamom) says:
Heather, if I could take away your pain for one minute in time, I would. I so wish you didn’t have to carry this. I so wish that your beautiful girl was here, with you and Mike and Annie where she belongs.
Myheart hurts and aches today for you all. I wish I could do more. say more. All I have is love and support and holding you in our hearts from afar. My children talk about Maddie all the time. She touched so many in her short life and she had an impact that will never, ever leave any of us.
But you, her mother, I can’t imagine. All I can do is say we love your family from afar and we will be here.
Love, love to you and Mike andAnnie,
Tricia xxx
Nellie says:
I can’t imagine the infinite and intense loss you and Mike will always feel but I’m crying for the pain and loss and hope you know that you are in my thoughts and in my aching heart.
There are three songs that have and always will remind me of your daughter and your family, no matter where I am or what I’m doing: “So Small” by Carrie Underwood, “Hallelujah” by the Canadian Tenors and “I won’t let go” by Rascal Flatts.
Arianne says:
My heart is crying with yours.
For a little girl was here for such a short time, she accomplished a lot; she saw a lot of places, had a lot of love and laughter, and endured a lot of difficulty. And, though she is gone, she is still having such a profound effect on this world.
Since she’s been gone, she has inspired you to change lives through friends of Maddie; She has helped to raise tens of thousands of dollars for the March of Dimes, hopefully saving many more babies.
And, she made a lot of us better mothers. When my little ones are driving me to distraction, and I don’t think I have anymore in me to give, I often think of you, and of Maddie, and I find some more patience, some more kindness, some more willingness to have a plastic zeebra stuffed in my mouth for the seven thousandth time since dinner. My kids are loved better because of Maddie.
Your grace in raising her, and in losing her, have inspired so many of us. If I manage to accomplish as much as Madeline in my life, I will feel lucky.
Lidna says:
Same here… Because of you I have a lot more patience. Cleaning -dirty dishes- toys on the floor none of it matters anymore, just spending time with my baby boys.
All those people that say I think about your daughter and cry for you guys I know how they feel. Because I do the same. On my way to work when I look up in the sky I think about Maddie. When the sky is purple and pink I think about her. When I wear the color purple I smile and think about her. When you post that you miss her I miss her right there with you and wish with all my heart she could come back to you. When I see her picture I smile and wonder how a little girl help me be the mom I am today. Today and always wish you nothing more the peace.
MissyK says:
I SO wish I had magical powers where I could blink or wiggle my nose & make everything all better. Just know that you are not alone. We can’t fix it, but we can try to be the strong pillars that can help hold you up when you don’t think you can do it on your own any longer, even if they are just cyber pillars. ((hugs))
Lisa says:
I started reading your blog just over 2 years ago when the momma interwebs exploded with news of your horrible, horrible tragedy. My heart breaks for you now, just like it did then. But I’ve also been immeasurably moved by you and Mike in the last two years–the amazing strength and grace that you’ve kept living with. The beauty you brought into this world with Annie. I so wish there were words that could ease your pain, but I know there aren’t. No one can imagine, I’m sure. But we’re all here, holding you up with our thoughts and prayers.
mel says:
I just stare here thinking for comforting words to say, but I can’t begin to think. I’m sorry. It’s not fair. I love you all. xo
Kim says:
It is not fair that life continues when our children die. It is not fair that our children die. It is not fair, it is not fair, it is not fair.
I know the silent scream, I do it a lot.
I have told you and will tell you again, the 2nd anniversary was SO much harder than the 1st for me. None of them are easy though. They all hurt, they all suck, they all are unfair. Every day you have without her is just not right, I know that.
Breathe, slow down, and do what feels right for you. If that means silently screaming, do it.
Remember you are not alone. There are many of us who have walked this path and are here to hold you up when you are not ok.
xoxo
JoAnn says:
I have no words…. I only have my heart, which is with you and Mike, with Annie… with your whole family. I send out my heart to you.
AmazingGreis says:
My heart aches for you…for Mike…for Maddie.
I wish I could be there with you today, tomorrow and beyond…sending great big hugs and lots of LOVE from the many miles away. XOXO
3 weeks…
Lora says:
Thoughts and prayers are with all of you all the time, but most especially at this time. I came across your blog shortly after Maddie’s death, and read the story backwards. I remember crying and crying for your loss, and for the loss of such a beautiful light in the world. I hope in some small way you feel the love and support from all of us who don’t know you in person, but who still grieve Maddie’s passing.
Suze says:
My prayers are with you, Mike and Maddie. Your words every day are a reminder to hug our kids and appreciate them for every day we are together. First time commenter, but have been reading for a few months, and could not let this week go without letting you know how much your family’s story has touched my heart and affected me as a mom. Maddie is such an inspiration, and while I was not lucky enough to know her in person, your words and stories make me feel like I did. Thank you for sharing her with the world.
Eileen says:
Thinking of all of you. I’m so sorry for your pain.
Jenn R. says:
sending you love and hugs and wishes that I could ease your pain.
nic @mybottlesup says:
i wish there was more that this community could do for you, lift this pain a bit… i know i’m not alone in wishing that for you and mike.
please know you are surrounded with love and care, both near and far.
Tara says:
I have no words that will heal, but I hope you find comfort in knowing that one more person is thinking of you, Mike, Maddie and Annie. I hope you and Mike are able to get as much peace as possible.
J+1 says:
There’s nothing anyone can say. You’re all in my prayers. Take it one minute (or one second) at a time.
Jamie says:
You’re not okay because it’s not okay. How can it ever be okay?
Two years just seems so long. It’s easier to say “Last year we did this” or “last March we went there”. Two years seems so long. It seems more than double.
Christy says:
I’m so sorry. Life is too hard some days without these sweet babies who were here not nearly long enough. I can identify with your silent screams, your burning eyes and the perpetual lump in your throat. Sometimes I don’t know why I even bother putting on mascara. It seeems that music speaks to you and Mike in much the same way it does me. I thought you might like this song by Ingrid Michaelson. Sending love your way, and saying a prayer right now.
Warmly,
Christy
Be OK
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
CHORUS:
Open me up and you will see
I’m a gallery of broken hearts
I’m beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts
I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
CHORUS
Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Jenni Williams says:
Heather,
None of us are the same since Maddie passed away. I think of her all the time. She changed the way I think as a parent. She is missed terribly. Your family is in my prayers today, tomorrow and everyday.
daisybv2 says:
HUGS!
Natalie says:
I’m so sorry. My thoughts have wandered to sweet Maddie many times this week as the day approaches. So many love and miss your beautiful little girl. You aren’t alone. (hugs)
susanmig says:
heather,
thinking of you, mike & annie during these days….
peace,
susan in co
Michelle H says:
Two years later and still thinking of Maddie every day. She will never be forgotten.
Hugs and prayers for peace and happy memories for your family.
Joy says:
I know nothing I say will make the pain go away, but do know you have this huge extended family that is thinking of you guys and I hope that all of our words will help you get through the hard days that lie ahead.
Liz says:
Heather,
You and your family are in my thoughts each and every day. As I write, tears stream down my face as I can’t even begin to imagine to immense pain and sadness you and Mike must feel today and every day. My heart aches for you.
Sending hugs your way!!
~Liz
Melina E. says:
Everything I want to say is woefully inadequate. So I just sent you strength and love.
Kate says:
So much love is being sent to your whole family today, and even though it won’t take away the pain, I hope it will get you through it. Two years and though I have never met any of you, I think of Maddie everyday.
Jessica says:
You are all in my thoughts & prayers.
Kelly says:
I think we are all greater because of sweet Maddie.
It doesn’t make it any easier that she is gone, and it is not OK.
Love you guys.
Elizabeth says:
I don’t even know what to say. Sending love and comfort to you and your family.
Saily says:
Hold on to Annie and Mike this week and all the beautiful memories of Maddie. We are all here to support you.
Lisa_in_WI says:
I’m so sorry you’re all going through this. You, Mike and Annabel are in my thoughts.
designhermomma says:
Heather, my heart has been broken for you for the last 2 years. This week, it’s been on my mind constantly.
Please please please surround yourself with support. You have an amazing group of friends, both in real life and through this blog.
Love you so much. Take care of yourself, and when you can’t, let others carry you.
xoxox
~emily
Minnyc says:
Heather, you’re in my thoughts…all of you are. I can’t I gain how unbearable this is. hugs from NY!
Molly says:
One minute, one second at a time. Just get through one minute at a time.
You do not have to be okay. You just have to get through each minute today, that’s all, and that’s enough, and that’s enormous.
Gale says:
Molly is absolutely right. Just get through this moment. Then the next. Then the next. That’s all you can ask of yourself. We’re all thinking of you this week.
Meagan Francis says:
(((Heather))) I rarely comment here but often read and have had you in my thoughts nearly constantly for the last two years. It’s just not fair, and I wouldn’t expect you to “be ok.” I hope you take some small solace in all the people who are thinking of you and Maddie and holding you up.
maresi says:
God, I’m SO, so sorry. Much love.
Trisha Vargas says:
I started reading your blog on April 8th, 2009 and I haven’t been the same since. I am a better person and mother because of Madeline and her story. And though that is little consolation for not having her here with you and Mike, please know that I will never forget her for as long as I live. Your sweet little girl with such a huge spirit moved me into a new direction and her sparkle will never diminish.
That same twinkle Maddie had in her eyes, Annie has in hers. They are both so lucky to have you and Mike. The love you both show them takes my breath away.
((((HUGS)))) from Florida
Marnie * says:
Thinking of you and your family.
Daisy says:
I know I can’t make it better – not in the slightest- but I hope you know how many people are offering their support, physically and mentally. Sending your whole family nothing but love this week and always.
bessie.viola says:
My heart is breaking reading this. I have been wearing a lot of purple this week and have been thinking of your sweet Madeline. Sending love, and prayers.
Lish says:
Oh god, Heather. I don’t know what to say. I am just so so sorry. You are SO STRONG. I think about you and Mike always. Sending you big hugs today and always. xoxox
Roxanna (miguelina) says:
Heather,
It’s not OK. Thank you so much for sharing your family with all of us. I feel lucky to have read about Maddie’s wonderful life — you and Mike are so lucky to be her parents and she was lucky to have you.
A hug to all of you, and to your other beautiful little girl Annie.
Kate says:
Heather,
I’m so, so sorry. Like others, I wish we could all carry this weight for you. I wish Madeline were still here. It’s not ok that she’s not.
Please know that (although we’ve never met) Maddie is in my thoughts every day, especially this week. I find myself alternating between crying and just being so damn mad she’s not here. It’s not fair.
Sending some East Coast love to you, Mike, Annie and the rest of your family.
Devan @ Unspoken Grief™ says:
I am sending you so much love today. xxo
Rachel says:
I’ve read this post 20 times now, and every time I read it I want it to end differently. For the past two years I have reread posts over and over again praying for a different ending. Just know that I am thinking of Maddie, and you, and mike and Annie. Know that you are not alone and that I am sending my love from across the country today and every day.
Issa says:
I have no helpful words. Just wanted you to know I was here, thinking about you, sending tons of love and hugs your way.
Erin W says:
There are no words…just know there are hugs from all the way in KY.
Jessica Harrison says:
My heart aches for you, Mike and your families. You are a wonderful mother. I wish somehow you could hold her again, and kiss her, and be with her. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this most difficult time. Sending much LOVE from MO.
amy turn sharp says:
I have had you in my mind for weeks. I want you to know that so many people are focused on sending u love right now. It’s amazing all the love that lives around you. Prayers and strength xo
natalie says:
I am heartbroken for you all over again. I’m so sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl.
Brittany {Mommy Words} says:
Heather, it is okay to not be okay and to scream. Silently or right out loud, it is okay. I wish we could all do more to help you. Just know that your family is in my prayers. Sending you love and kisses to your little girls too.
Nanette says:
Heather, we love your beautiful family so much. Thinking of you all this week and always.
xoxo
nicol says:
Couldn’t have said it better. (((HUGS)))
Karen Hartzell, Graco says:
Reading this my heart breaks. No one forgets. We all remember and your friends are there for you. Reach out to them. Let them hold you up so you can make it through the dark.
Prayers for finding peace through the tears.
Ally says:
And that’s totally OK not to feel OK.
You and your family are in our thoughts.
Chantel says:
Praying for you and Mike. I don’t have words Heather. Just know that we are all here for you holding you up. xoxo
Meli says:
Oh Heather, I am so so sorry
Megan says:
Oh, Heather. We all love you, and if we could each take a piece of your pain until you were totally free of that burden, and carry it for you, we would. I’m so sorry. I am crying for you, hoping for you, thinking of your Maddie on an hourly basis.
Pamela Gold says:
Not a soul expects you to be OK. You’re in control. I pray for you and yours.
Amanda says:
You may thinking you are slient but I hear you.
I have nothing to say that I am so sorry and wish so much that Maddie was here.
Marjorie Steele says:
Not a day goes by without the thought of your beautiful Maddie.
It is Ok for you to be not OK. I know I would feel the same.
Just remember that she is living through each and every one of us and that is something that will last forever.
Lots of hugs and prayers sent to you and your entire family.
Marjorie
Ontario,Canada
Jessica says:
Heather- thinking about you. We all love your family. It breaks my heart to look at the pictures of Madeline. She is so beautiful.
pgoodness says:
I can’t imagine you would be OK. I certainly wouldn’t expect it. We’re all here, screaming with you. Take care of you, Heather. xo
Managed Chaos says:
My prayers go out for your broken heart. Thinking of you and Mike, today and always.
Beth says:
Praying for you right now. May your heart find healing and comfort.
punkinmama says:
Wish there was something to say or do to make you feel better. My heart continues to break for you. You are very much loved.
Barb says:
Of course you’re not okay – and that’s okay. But you’re also not alone. Just think of all the lurkers like me whose lives you and your family have touched. We are all, in some way, with you.
robin says:
Sending love and prayers to you this week. My heart breaks for you and your family. Thank you for sharing Maddie with us…I am a different person for having known her through you.
Sara says:
I’m sending you all the positive thoughts and strength I can from across the country today. I know we have never met, and all I know of you is from this blog/Twitter but I know the love of your family and friends for you, Mike, Maddie and Annie will carry you through this time, and all the other hard times in the future.
Susan A says:
Send out your silent screams and I will send back harder HUGS. ((((((HUGS)))))) You, Mike, Annie and your families are in my thoughts and prayers.
Page says:
We’re all out here in a giant, warm web.
You are loved. Thinking of you today.
CoffeePlease says:
Sending prayers your way … I know some days suck more than others … she will be with you always ….
m says:
You are not alone. We are all here, and you don’t have to talk, but I’m so thankful that you do. Dear god, I wish there was something poignant I could say. Or comforting.
Thinking of you.
~A says:
Sending much love to you, this week and always.
MJ says:
I am crying with you. And I agree whole-heartedly with the first comment. I also believe in my heart that you WILL be able to finish raising your baby girl, that although she is gone from you now and it SUCKS, that she will be restored with you. You might or might not believe it, but I will believe it for you.
Love you guys.
Jamie says:
I am so, so sorry.
Farrar says:
My heart breaks, and my prayers go out to you! Hugs to you and Mike, and Annie and Maddie!
Rumour Miller says:
Lean on those around you. We all need support to make it through our darkest days. You are not alone.
Praying for you and your precious little family.
Stephanie says:
There are no words. I am just so incredibly sorry. Maddie touhed (and contiues to influence) so many lives. What an amazing little girl. It’s not fair that she’s not here.
Kim says:
My heart breaks for you and your family.. Just know that you have many people thinking about your family and wishing we were there in person to help you thru this time..
Sending Love and hugs to you all…
Jacqueline says:
Thinking of you and praying for you this week.
Amanda says:
Your pain and the loss is everywhere. I am so sorry.
AngieM. says:
i wish for at least ONE day, to take the pain away.
i can’t even imagine what you feel..but i really do hope you feel the love that surrounds you in not only your family but in all of us here.
thinking of you more than usual.
xoxo
Jenny Grace says:
I’m sorry.
I love you.
Kacey says:
Sending you love and light.
Glenda says:
My heart aches for you. Thinking of you, Mike, Maddie and Annie this week. Stay strong and breathe!!! Maddie will forever be a part of your lives. Sending you all hugssss xx
Tricia says:
I love you guys so much and you are all in my thoughts more often than not, especially this week. Of course you aren’t ok and you know what? I’m glad that you say it. Say it as much as you need because what happened, is NOT ok. Maddie lit up a room and it is a darker place without those eyes and that smile. I’m not ok and she wasn’t mine so I can’t even imagine the pain that you, mike and the rest of your family has to struggle with every day. Sending you guys all the love I have and then some today, tomorrow and forever. Please take care of yourselves and I know I speak for everyone when I say we are with you guys, loving, hugging, crying and wishing we could make it better. No, make it right. She should be here. The strength you all possess is inspiring even when you think you are not., you are. I hope I made some damn sense. xoxoxo
Jen says:
My heart aches for you Heather. More than anything I think you should know that you ARE OK. Maddie and Annie are so so so blessed to have you and Mike as parents.
Skye says:
I wish we could all do the one thing we want: bring your Maddie back to you. I’m sorry that all we can do is tell you how much this sucks and how sorry we are. I’m sorry you’re not ok. Sending my love.
Marty Sisk says:
Heather and Mike: I am so sorry. These words are a comfort to me – I hope they can bring a tiny drop of comfort to you as well.
I whisper your name…. to myself
I whisper….. I miss, and I love you.
I whisper… I’m thinking of you.
I whisper…. goodnight until we meet again.
I whisper…. take care and hope your angel ears
can hear my whispers here on earth.
I whisper… because I am afraid that if I speak
too loud, my heart will hear and break
again….
So i just whisper…..
author unknown
Sherry Carr-Smith says:
Sending many warm thoughts to you all.
Kim says:
Xoxo. Love you.
Melissa says:
It’s just not ok. Its not fair and it fucking sucks. And I am so sorry that you and Mike have to go through this. I wish there was a way that we could take up some of that weight for you. Be like the pool of water you float in feeling no weight.
Caroline says:
Of course you’re not okay, how could you be? How could this be anything but awful, and painful, and heartbreaking? You love Maddie, and you love Annie, and the world will never be right with out them both with you. It simply can’t be.
The only words I have for you come from one of my favorite books, Tuesdays with Morrie. I’m sure you’ve read it or heard about it, but the line that stuck with me was “Death ends a life, not a relationship.” It doesn’t erase the pain but perhaps it does help to know that Maddie is inside of you, of all of us, of Annie and little Rigby, in the flowers and trees, the way the sun shines through your window in early afternoon, in the newborn babies taking their first breath of air. She is here, in this world, forever kept by an indescribable amount of love.
Thinking of you,
Caroline
Michelle says:
My heart aches for you. I’m so sorry for your loss.
leel says:
I don’t know what to say except I hear you and I can’t imagine how this must feel for you. I send you my love and strength and thoughts of peace.
Rachel says:
Words seem inadequate. I have tears for you and wish I could take the pain away.
Marty says:
I’m sorry – I can’t believe I posted that with a word missing… here it is again.
I whisper your name…. to myself
I whisper….. I miss you, and I love you.
I whisper… I’m thinking of you.
I whisper…. goodnight until we meet again.
I whisper…. take care and hope your angel ears
can hear my whispers here on earth.
I whisper… because I am afraid that if I speak
too loud, my heart will hear and break
again….
So i just whisper…..
author unknown
Robin says:
I really don’t know what to say, but I wanted to let you know of another blog follower who wishes you didn’t have to suffer this pain. Your family is in my thoughts.
Em says:
I wish I knew the right words that would help you find comfort in these dark days. Just know that there is a whole world out there who loves and supports you. When you go outside, face the sun and tilt your head up to it. When you feel the sun warm your skin, know that its Maddie, gently touching your face. If its raining, feel the drops against your skin, its her splashing you in the bathtub. She’s all around you and she’s in you. She’s in Mike and she’s in Annie.
Lots of love.
Molly says:
I feel sick and I am so sorry.
Just remember that it’s only been two years. That is NO time at all. Give yourself a break.
I wish you guys peace during this terrible week.
Erin says:
Hugs. Wishing I could do more than cry with you. But hugs.
Only in Louisiana ~ documenting the adventures of life! says:
One foot in front of the other…..keep going forward. You WILL get there and we are all behind you, cheering you on….praying for you and willing things to get better for you. Just get through the day and know thousands if not a million people are thinking of you, Mike and Annie.
Colleen says:
I’m so, so sorry. My heart aches for you. It’s not fair that you’re not holding her right now. Her sweet smile has affected so many of us, and so many of us carry her in our hearts, too.
PattyB says:
Melissa’s comment above said it perfectly. I am, again, so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find some comfort in the fact that Maddie did so much in her short life. Not just the things she accomplished and the experiences she had, but the impact she had on the lives of others. It is because she existed that Friends of Maddie is a reality. It is because she existed and what she went through that your group in the March of Dimes walk has raised so much money year after year. Without having had her, you would not be involved in either of these wonderful causes, helping to change the lives of others that are in the position you were once in yourself. I am in awe of you, and of Maddie. If only half the world’s population could accomplish what Maddie and your family has, the world would be a much less suffereing place. My heart aches for you this week. You, Mike, Maddie and Annie are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sara says:
a million hugs for you and your family. i can’t even imagine going through what you are. i wish there was more that someone, anyone could do for you.
Karen says:
thinking of you all
MB says:
It’s OK to not be OK. You’re doing the right thing in alerting people that you need their support and comments and voices right now. Hold Annie, Mike and Rigby extra tight over the next few days and remember Maddie as the happy vivacious girl she was. She’s remembered by so many because of you. She will always be with you and so many others through your words. I am sure she misses all of you too.
Cathryn says:
HUGS! I am keeping all of you in my thoughts!
vickie says:
sending hugs – i know you are not ok – and that’s ok – i don’t think anyone expects you and your family to not still be grieving for her.
i started reading this blog shortly before maddie passed – our girls are about the same age. you & mike have made me a better, more appreciative mother. she reminds me that life is short & love the best i can.
Tracey P says:
It’s not okay. It never WILL be okay. You don’t have to come to some kind of acceptance that it will be someday.
I found your blog through Matt Logelin’s link and I have followed your family’s journey for the last two years, but rarely commented. Your pain makes my heart hurt, and I have no adequate words. Nothing anyone can say will ever make it right.
We are with you. We cry with you. We cry for you. We hurt for you.
We love you.
Lydia says:
This year is worse because last year you were still in a type of shock. At least, I’m willing to bet that’s what you’re dealing with. My mom said the 2nd year was worse when my sister died and my sister said the same thing in regards to the 2nd anniversary of my niece’s death. I type those words and it is still like a punch in the gut. My sister has been gone for 22 years and my niece over 3.
I pray for you, Mike, and your family all the time. I can’t imagine your pain. I wish I could do more.
Jana says:
Thinking of your family through these hard days and sending you love. You will be OK because you have daughters that depend on you to be. Keep fighting…
Elinor says:
oh nothing about this is ok… I’m sending hugs and lots of love and peace to you guys…
Kymmi says:
It will never, ever, ever be OK. I wish there were words that could offer you some sort of peace. I can only say that I am thinking of you and Maddie and your entire family.
Amy @ Binkytowne says:
Heather, I’m just one of your hundreds of readers who are here for you and holding you up this week. It’s not fair and none of this is OK. Sending love and light to you this week and every week.
Brittany says:
Sending you guys hugs and prayers as tomorrow draws closer. We’re all better because we “knew” Maddie through your words and remembrances of her.
amanda says:
Everyone is here for you. Strangers, friends, family. Here for you. It is so OK not to be OK. And it’s probably harder for you because now it feels so LONG since you’ve seen her. She is with you. She is everywhere. But I know you probably don’t give a crap about that – you just want her in your arms. We all wish that for you.
Love to you and Mike.
Jen l. says:
You’ve been popping into my mind all day since I read this post this morning. Know that you and your family are surrounded by a million loving thoughts and prayers.
Barb in Michigan says:
There is absolutely nothing that I can think of to say that will bring you comfort on any day , let alone at this terrible time of year. I remember the fantastic photos of Maddie at the party that Saturday. They’re etched in my brain forever. There are so many who have laughed with Maddie’s videos and antics. I really believe she is honored and remembered every day by so many , many people all over the World.I hope that brings a tiny bit of comfort to you , Mike , your family and friends.
I plan on remembering Maddie for you , Mike and your family by making a donation to your March of Dimes site tomorrow.
Love to you all , always.
Laura says:
Sending love and strength.
MelissaG says:
Lia says:
Just another internet stranger lady here whose heart is hurting for you and your Maddie. She should be here. She’s SUPPOSED TO BE HERE. The cruelty of her not being here will never be ok. Wishing you some semblance of peace in the storm.
Pattie says:
Oh, Heather. Every day you make it through without her is a testament to your love for Maddie and her legacy. If only that made it easier somehow …
Stacey says:
I’m so very sorry.
bejewell says:
hugs. xoxoxo
Adrienne says:
SO much love for you
Michelle says:
You are in my thoughts today !
debi says:
Tomorrow you hug Annie and tell her stories about her big sister. You remember your beautiful Maddie and how she is watching over you. She will never leave you, just like your memories of her will never leave you. Every day it gets a little easier to live your life. Missing your baby will never go away.
Sarah R says:
You’re right, it’s not okay. I hate that you, Mike, and Annabel have suffered such a horrendous loss. I hate that the world will not be able to watch your sweet daughter grow up.
I’m a lurker and have been following your story for the past couple years. It’s amazing how many hearts your little Maddie touched. Even people like me, that never had the honor of meeting her, will always remember her. I hug my son even harder because I know now how fragile and beautiful life is. Maddie continues to live on.
Laney says:
I have been thinking about you & Maddie & this post all day.
I hope that knowing that all of us are out here, thinking warm thoughts about your beautiful girl, brings you even the smallest modicum of comfort during such a dark time.
Tracey says:
I don’t have magic words either, but I wanted to let you know that you and Mike and Annie are being thought of today and I am sending you virtual hugs and lots of prayers.
It is ok to not be ok today. But you will be ok again. It will always look different, but you will still be ok.
Hugs
Bella says:
Oh Heather. There is nothing that can be said to heal, other than we are here. We are with you. We love you.
Maddies lives still. She lives in all of us that she touched. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of you, and of her. She lives, still, in my heart.
She taught us all so much about love and the beauty of life. She taught us all to better love our children. To treasure and to hold on.
It is a wrenching pain that her physical body is no longer. I cannot imagine your pain. I can only tell you, she will never ever ever be forgotten. Her life taught us to live and love more fully.
I cry with you, Heather. I wish I could make it better.
Jennifer says:
I’m so sorry. My heart breaks for you. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through.
Camie says:
Remembering Maddie this week and always. I will always think of her whenever I see a little girl. . . sending my love out to you and Mike and Annie.
leslie says:
praying
crying
not helping….
so, so, so sorry!!
as many hugs as needed going your way!
Dora says:
Oh, Heather! Of course you’re not okay. I just wanted to say that I hear you, even though the screams are silent.
em says:
I wore my purple today. I will tomorrow. I recently bought a pair of tie dye purple TOMs. If I have a choice between purple and another color, purple is always the winner.
I live across the country from you. I have never met Maddie. I only adored her giggles and curls through your blog updates. Still, I think about her every single day, and often many times a day. I think about how unfair life is. I think about how hard every single day is for you.
You have my deepest, most sincere sympathies.
Shana says:
sometimes I think the anticipatory grief is worse than the grief on the actual day. sometimes, though, it still gets worse on the actual day, and I find myself wishing to go back just one day, because it wasn’t as bad then. It will never be ok. There are no rules for this, no book to follow, and there are no judgements here.
emily k says:
thinking about you and your family.
Amelia says:
I’m so, so sorry.
Jana A says:
Oh, how this brought back all those feelings. I’m sending you so much love today, tomorrow, and always. xoxo
Kristin says:
I wish I could hug you. I know I can’t make it better, but I just want to hug you.
Amanda says:
All I can say right now is that I am sending love.
Nikki says:
Hugs and love x infinity.
XOXO from GA,
Nikki
Liz says:
Sending hugs and prayers to you.
mommymae says:
thinking of you, darling girl.
Jeanie says:
I’m so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to make the pain go away.
katie says:
Holding your family in my heart. Sending strength, comfort, peace.
Sam says:
Sending tons of love and warm wishes over the next day… know it will be rough, but remember how much Maddie was loved and what a beautiful life she lived with you & Mike as her parents – and how lucky Annie is! XOXOXOXO
Meyli says:
Maddie is loved. By you, by Mike, by Annie. By all her family. And by us; her friends and fans.
You and Mike are also loved. For your senses of humor, and for your admirable devotion to your children.
Always know that we (your online fans who may not even comment regularly) will always be there for you.
Lots and lots of hugs and comfort to you all today (and every day!)
ashise says:
hugs for you and your family.
We are thinking of you.
When I see the picture of you, Mike and Annie in the someone-elses-lens from Gina Lee I can see Maddie, were the sun shines looking down at you smiling.
kelly says:
Thinking of you, Mike and your beautiful daughters as I often do, but especially this week, today, tomorrow – just like I did last year and the year before…
Mommy says:
I wish I had words of comfort. I wish I could take it all away. I wish your baby was back in your arms where she belongs.
Love and hugs and prayers for you and your entire family.
Your precious Maddie girl will live on in the hearts of so, so many. We will never forget her.
amourningmom says:
My thoughts and prayers are with you, Mike, Maddie and Annie. All the days are tough but some days are just tougher. I miss Jake and Sawyer every day but their birthdays and the anniversaries of their deaths always seem to be more diffcult. Sending peace and hugs. Take care.
Kim Menefee says:
We are just over 4 months apart in our grief. My Son died 12.8.08. I am now where near as put together as you and I get You… I just want you to know that I will be thinking of you tomorrow, as I have thought of you and your family everyday. This past anniversary…I went into my backyard…. and SCREAMED! I screamed until my voice was hoarse…..I then sat down in my backyard at 12:19am, his time and talked to him… it helped me (I did however wake up in my backyard at the dawn :() This day is about you and Mike , Maddie, Rigby, and Annie… do what feels right for you! and if NOTHING is right…Your love for her and hers for you will be.. and that is all that matters!
Jaime says:
(((HUGS)))
Jen says:
Praying for you. No other words will do justice. Hang in there.
Michelle says:
Holding you and your entire family up in my thoughts and prayers.
Elle says:
Heather,
As someone else said, you are not okay because what happened to Maddie is not okay and never will be. Despite the fact that many of us don’t know you in person, we are all feeling your pain through your words. I never met Maddie but when I look at her pictures, it makes me sick to know she is no longer here. I can’t imagine how your heart aches or how deep your pain is…I’ll be thinking of you all tomorrow and will wear purple in sweet Maddie’s honor.
Reese says:
Oh Heather…my “day” is April 25th and I spend most of the time leading up to it feeling angry, ripped off and so incredibly sad. This year is 5 years for me. While I always appreciate the wonderful things people say to me about my son, it’s not the same as having him with me. I pray you just get through the day. I have found that the time leading up to THE DAY is often worse than the actual day (although, as you well know, THE DAY is also bad). With every year that passes, I always have trouble coming to terms with the new number….1 year, 2 years, 3 years, 4 years, 5 years. They just keep coming. It feels like just a week or a month ago that he died and a thousand years since he was with me. I have always been so touched by the way you and Mike have chosen to honor Maddie’s beautiful life; I use it as an example of the amazing things that can come of the terrible loss in our lives. I have one year left of my nursing program; I want to be a NICU nurse and have the chance to honor my son and make a positive difference on the world. Just take deep breaths and get through it.
Mary Ann says:
Maddie accomplished more in her short life than most people do in a lifetime. She lives on in the hearts of everyone who love her – and we do – I do – love her, and I will never forget her. I wish I could bring her back and take away the pain. I hope it helps in some small way that you are all in my thoughts – sending hugs, love, and prayers that you will find comfort in knowing that I will light a candle for your angel tomorrow. xoxox
Mommy Boots says:
There are no words. All my love to you and your family.
Kristin says:
thinking about you and your family……you’re all in my heart
Kim says:
Just imagining what you are going through takes my breath away and causes tears to pour down my face. My heart breaks for you and your family. I wish I had the words to comfort you but I don’t. Just know that I, and many others, are here for you, thinking of you, and praying for you. No mother should have to go through this.
Amygg says:
My heart, thoughts & prayers go out to you & Mike has this difficult time comes upon you. Huge HUGS!
Molly says:
My heart breaks for you….I’m just so so so so sorry. How could you ever be ok? I don’t know…but you’ve been doing it..for Maddie and for Annie. ((hugs)) prayers for you.
Leslie K says:
No, there is absolutely nothing ok about life without Maddie in it. I am so very sorry, and I wish there was some way to ease your pain.
Andrea says:
My heart, along with so many other mothers who read your blog, is with you this week. My day is 12/31, it’s never easy. Hugs and prayers.
Anna says:
Just reading that took my breath away. I can’t even imagine what you’re feeling. Thinking of and praying for you!
Amanda says:
Scream out loud or silently. We will all hear you.
Erin B. says:
I wish I had something profound to say…. something that would take away even a tiny amount of your pain…
…but I know words are so horribly inadequate… All I can offer is my love and a promise that I’ll be thinking and praying for your beautiful family.
suzanne says:
Oh Heather, my heart pounds and my mouth gets dry just reading this. All I can do is read and cry with you. I think of her sweet face so often, and remind myself of all that is good and right in the world, and to seek it out and be grateful for it. Madeline’s gift to me.
Thinking of you every step of the way tonight, and through tomorrow.
QuatroMama says:
Heather, I have no words, but LOTS of prayers for you today and in the days ahead.
xoxo
You are so very loved.
Beth says:
Thinking of you and your beautiful little Madeline… xoxo
Rachel says:
Oh, Heather. I have been thinking of you off and on all day today and will tomorrow as well. Wishing you peace and strength—there are just no words. That beautiful baby girl does indeed live on inside you, and in all of us who have been blessed to know her story; see her face; her laugh; hear her voice calling you.
Kayla says:
If I could take even a minute fraction of your pain away and shoulder it on myself, Heather, I would do it in a heartbeat. Without thinking.
I can’t though. All I can do is offer my sympathy, my shoulder, and bow my head and cry with you both.
I am reminded of a scene in The Bucket List, where Jack Nicholson’s character is discussing the egyptian’s version of death and afterlife, and how they believed that when you die and reach the gate of heaven, you are asked two things;
Did you have joy in your life?
Did you bring joy to others?
It goes without saying Madeline brought more joy into your and Mike’s lives than anyone knew was possible, and it goes without saying that you both brought more joy into that little girl’s life than she probably even knew what to do with.
I love you.
“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief… and unspeakable love.” ~ Washington Irving.
Amanda says:
We are here.. holding you up… thinking of you
Rebecca Bohannon says:
Heartbreaking.
Megan says:
I’ve never met your family… But just remember that as terrible as this world is without Maddie, it is a better place because she was in it. I’ll be thinking of you guys tomorrow!
Jess says:
Wiping tears at the computer.
I hold my girls tighter because of Maddie. I try harder than anything to never ever take one moment for granted in her memory. My life is richer, fuller, and more beautiful because of you and your precious daughters. Thank you.
Hugs and tears and prayers for you and yours.
Mary says:
Thinking of you all. Much good it does, but still doing so.
amanda79 says:
My thoughts are always with you and your family. I can’t believe it’s been 2 years as well. I found your blog through Matt’s blog and have never left. Hugs to you
Elaine says:
Your sweet little angel girl has touched so very many lives. I can only imagine your heartache though. I’m so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and keeping you all in my prayers at this especially difficult time.
Kelly says:
Adding my voice to the chorus here. I am thinking of you today and tomorrow, as I have many many times before and will again.
Holding you and your family up and sending all good things to you…
pamela says:
I started reading your blog around two years and three weeks ago. I wept when I read the post Meghan wrote here that day and I wept the year after and today. Maddie is always with you.
Sending you all the hugs and love today and always.
Jennie B says:
Thinking of you and your family. No one should have to bear what you are going through. I hope the support of so many people will help carry you through.
Karyn says:
Thinking of you today, tomorrow … and every day.
Ray says:
We are all better for knowing Madeline. Even if it’s only through this blog (which is how I’ve come to know her. Through you, Heather).
I wanted to share this song with you (it’s become my absolute favorite): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLdp2OSFEys . It’s not happy by any means, but I still wanted to share it. Hope you aren’t offended by it.
And 259 comments in, you probably won’t see this. But that’s okay. As long as some of these comments reach into your heart, and touch you. Hold the pain for just a millisecond…? That’s all that matters.
I cannot imagine what you are going through. And as naïve and stupid as it sounds (because I know you wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone): I wish I could feel some of your pain. To better understand. To relinquish some of it from your and mike’s sorrowful hearts.
I wish the defense factor would skid to a halt. So I could feel an ounce of the ripping of a heart. Because being blindfolded doesn’t mean that you’re free. It’s just means protection.
I ache for you loss, of course. For, Madeline. It’s of course in an entirely different way than you.
You…you were her MOTHER.
Nonetheless: Your family will forever be in my thoughts. In my heart.
Even though I’ll never meet you guys.
<3<3<3<3
Annie says:
I have thought of you all daily since April 1st. Simply dreading April 7th for you. I came to to know your blog 5 days after Maddie left you, and have been a faithful follower since. You shouldn’t HAVE to be ok. You shouldn’t HAVE to learn to live without her. NO ONE SHOULD EVER HAVE TO BURY A CHILD. As a Christian and a spiritual person, but not a religious person, this is the ONE thing I have major issues with when it comes to God. WHY WHY WHY did this happen? WHY WHY WHY did this precious baby have to suffer and leave her family who loved her so much? WHY WHY WHY do you and Mike have to live with this pain and such horrible memories of her last hours for the rest of your lives? And WHY WHY WHY will Annie never feel her big sister’s curls between her chubby fingers? Please don’t say “it happened for a reason…God has a plan”. Maybe…but I honestly don’t think those particular words provide much comfort for parents with empty arms.
“It was the day the world went wrong.”
“We wait with hope…
And we ache with hope…
We hold on with hope…
We let go with hope.”
words by SCC
Hope…and praying that you truly know one day you will hold Her again. I’m so sorry for you pain. It’s so unfair.
Lisa from WV says:
Thinking of you. Hugs.
Your stranger friend-Lisa
Sharon says:
Thinking of you all today.
J in Eire says:
“Come away, O human child: To the waters and the wild with a fairy, hand in hand, For the world’s more full of weeping than you can understand.” William Butler Yeats
Remembering Maddie your sunshine girl today.
Ania says:
Crying with you…
Cecily says:
Heart bleeds for you, honey. It really does.
GingerB says:
Sending you hugs. It is OK that you are not OK.