Mike and I have been in therapy for a few weeks now. It’s not something I really wanted to do. I’ve always resisted therapy. First, it’s because I grew up in LA, where everyone has a friggin shrink, and I just hate being like everyone else. Second because I think I’m very impatient and therapy takes a while to work (or so I’ve been told). And third, because I really work through a lot of my feelings through writing here. Maybe I should just give my doc the link to my blog. I think she might be the only person I know that DOESN’T read it. Unless she looked me up on Facebook. Heh.

I’m giving therapy a chance, don’t worry. But I really hate having to talk about some of the things she asks me. I don’t like reliving those last three hours of Madeline’s life. The code, the IVs that went directly into her shin bones, the chest compressions, I flash back to them multiple times a day. Why would I want to talk about those things on purpose?

I don’t feel better after therapy. Maybe I started it too soon. As my partner in complete suck pointed out, it’s not like the day after your child passes away you make an appointment with a therapist. There’s a process. I probably rushed it. But I’m just so desperate to feel better. It’s so exhausting to be sad. I can’t imagine NOT being sad. But everyone says that day will come.

Mike will be seeing a therapist regularly. He DOES feel better after therapy, and for that I am grateful.

We haven’t started group grief counseling. Maybe we will, maybe we won’t. Maybe Mike will go. It’s honestly not something that appeals to me. I have some people that I talk to on the phone and via email that help me. They’ve been down this road, or they’re walking down it with me. My fear with group therapy is that I’d take on everyone else’s grief. Actually, I know I would. And right now that’s just NOT a good idea for me. I have to protect myself.

It’s one thing to read words of pain and hear the hurt in someone’s voice. It’s quite another to see pain with your own eyes. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror.