Mike and I have been in therapy for a few weeks now. It’s not something I really wanted to do. I’ve always resisted therapy. First, it’s because I grew up in LA, where everyone has a friggin shrink, and I just hate being like everyone else. Second because I think I’m very impatient and therapy takes a while to work (or so I’ve been told). And third, because I really work through a lot of my feelings through writing here. Maybe I should just give my doc the link to my blog. I think she might be the only person I know that DOESN’T read it. Unless she looked me up on Facebook. Heh.
I’m giving therapy a chance, don’t worry. But I really hate having to talk about some of the things she asks me. I don’t like reliving those last three hours of Madeline’s life. The code, the IVs that went directly into her shin bones, the chest compressions, I flash back to them multiple times a day. Why would I want to talk about those things on purpose?
I don’t feel better after therapy. Maybe I started it too soon. As my partner in complete suck pointed out, it’s not like the day after your child passes away you make an appointment with a therapist. There’s a process. I probably rushed it. But I’m just so desperate to feel better. It’s so exhausting to be sad. I can’t imagine NOT being sad. But everyone says that day will come.
Mike will be seeing a therapist regularly. He DOES feel better after therapy, and for that I am grateful.
We haven’t started group grief counseling. Maybe we will, maybe we won’t. Maybe Mike will go. It’s honestly not something that appeals to me. I have some people that I talk to on the phone and via email that help me. They’ve been down this road, or they’re walking down it with me. My fear with group therapy is that I’d take on everyone else’s grief. Actually, I know I would. And right now that’s just NOT a good idea for me. I have to protect myself.
It’s one thing to read words of pain and hear the hurt in someone’s voice. It’s quite another to see pain with your own eyes. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror.
Bee says:
In all honesty, the constant conversation that occurs on this blog is worth millions of dollars of therapy on its own. The fact that you continue to write, to pour out, and choose on a daily basis literally to keep being alive is a sign that some part of you is already healing. I’m in therapy, and while I hate that sometimes, it is necessary for me to be functional at this point in my life. You and Mike are incredibly strong even in your weakest moments because you are reaching out for help instead of internalizing, running, hiding, or dying. My heart goes out to you and to your husband, my prayers are with you, and there will always be an outpouring of love for you both from Dallas, Texas.
Kelly says:
Do what YOU need. You know you better than anybody. And we will all still be here to send you love and support, no matter what path you choose to walk
Kelly’s last blog post..It is 2am, and somebody should be sleeping!!
CK says:
Heather — I have been a dedicated reader of your blog for months and am truly grieving for your loss. I have not posted because I didn’t know what to say.
I still have no words of wisdom, but wanted to let you know that you, Mike and Maddie are all in my prayers and that I am sending you good thoughts.
Cee says:
I had the same experience with therapy. I didn’t WANT to rehash all the horrible things in my life, I didn’t want to explain everything to my therapist a million times and relive all the bad parts. Each appointment I grew more and more depressed…ironic considering the therapy was supposed to help with my depression. Finally I stopped going and started feeling better.
But this is just my experience. I hope it helps you, or you find whatever particular help you need.
Krissa says:
Maybe you can just tell her that there are some things you don’t want to talk about during your appointments and that if/when you are ready to talk about them, you will. I’m glad you’re not going to go to group if you don’t want to. You are right, you have to protect yourself. … Keeping you all in my thoughts and in my heart. ((Hugs)).
Kristen McD says:
I suppose though, by starting maybe before you’re ready, is that when you ARE… the groundwork will already be there.
There’s the possibility too that this isn’t the right therapist for you. Don’t be afraid to shop around.
catherine lucas says:
Therapy only helps if you really want it. If you don’t feel like it, don’t do it. I too believe that your blog is possibly more therapy then going to a therapist. I am sad to read that Mike has a drinking problem, at least, that is what I read in your words. Correct if I am wrong.
We all know that drinking does not help, nor heals, nor makes you feel better, it’s a fake moment of forgetting that will haunt double when the blur is gone.
But it’s all too understandable that you both want to escape the hurt, boy, would I run from hurt like that… Except you two can’t… You can’t hurry love and you can’t hurry grieving for your little girl. The only thing that will be in your favor is time. Only time will layer healing, and part of you will never heal. Loosing a child is not healable. Having said that, as layers of healing are applied by time, you will find a way to cope with the loss, to frame the loss in who you both are. Maddie was here for a short while, and she put her mark on a lot of people. If she puts her mark on me, while I am 3000 miles from you guys, what must it be to have lived with her, talking to her, seeing her big smile…
There are no simple cures for the pain you both feel, only one thing is sure:
you will hit rock bottom, and that is the ugliest place on earth, but it is also the place where you will start rebuild both of your lives and personalities.
Guess all my blabla does not really help taking your pain away, which is what I really want to do… if only I could.
catherine lucas’s last blog post..Officially crazy…
Blue rain says:
One step at a day Heather. Give yourself time. Shrink or no shrink, I know you will feel better one day, I dont know if it will stop hurting. But things will be little better…
Hugs and love to Mike and you
Blue rain’s last blog post..The road being travelled 3
eden says:
Sweetheart, I hope you don’t think you have to talk about things in therapy that you don’t want to, just yet. I don’t think there is rules, for this.
My continued love, tears and support to you and Mike. Holding you up, from Australia.
I think you BOTH are magnificent, amazing people, Heather. Maddie was truly blessed to have such parents.
XOXOXOXO
eden’s last blog post..Won.
Maddie says:
OKAAAY – why is she making you re-live the worst thing that has happened to you over again? If you are anything like me (which from what you have written on here, you are), you have a running commentary of babble in your head or film reel going behind your eyes all the friggin’ time. What is the point in saying it out loud, it won’t change anything, all it does is re-enforce how horrible and how helpless you felt, and all you are doing is watching over and over again, while you try and get the words out, which you say you are doing anyway – because let’s face it you are not going to get that out of your head in a hurry.
I don’t get it. I never have got the point in ‘working through’ things by talking about them, and about them, and about them. You are not there anymore, wherever ‘there’ may be and each person is different; you can’t change anything by talking about a situation, around a situation or through a situation. It has happened. You are here, now, reading this and breathing. All you can do is just leave it there, where it happened. Easier said than done when it is the death of a beloved child, but I hope you get the jist of what I am saying. I am not saying don’t switch off the babble and the film reel, your mind will do that when it is good and ready, but what I am *trying* to say is banging on about the worst three hours of your life over and over again is not going to help. On the couch or no.
I am sorry, but I am so cross for you, therapy is supposed to help you. Not make you feel worse, for whose gratification is telling her about Madeline’s passing is it, because it certainly isn’t yours!? Cheryl Richardson put on Twitter today:-
For coaches: Listen deeply. Your value lies in your presence far more than your knowledge.
I immediately thought of you Heather, and this was before I knew you were in counselling, at the moment you need someone to just be there. Fully there with you. So you have someone independent from all of this, to lean on, to gain strength from and to listen to you. Not to ask you questions about it all, to get all the gory details, which from what you described is what she is doing, but to let you talk about what you need to talk about. Like finding hairs in a hairbrush and slowly clearing her toys away.
I hope through this muddled rant and ‘grrr-ness’ you understand what I am saying, if you are not comfortable with your therapy – quit and find something you are comfortable with. Even feeding those baby ducks.
Be strong both of you, I’m lighting my candle again now.
tiff says:
Hi Heather,
I share your loathing for the 7th and the 14th. I’m five years ahead of you to the day.
The first year is so hard.
I can tell you things will get better. I can tell you the pain changes but you are not there yet and there is no point in me saying these things. In fact, just writing them myself brings up angry feelings from when people used to say those very things to me.
This will take time and tears and wishes and wonders. It will hurt so badly that you think that you will never ever be happy again. Be gentle and patient with yourself, if you want to try some things do it, if it’s not right then stop. You and Mike will find a way.
I am wishing you strength as you take this journey.
tiff’s last blog post..The good things…
Jamie S says:
I completely agree with you about the therapeutic value of writing vs. talking in person. Many times whenever I need to express my feelings, thoughts or fears verbally, I fumble and forget the important things. When I write, things are clearer and I am able to pour things at ease. I do not have to worry about searching for the ‘appropriate’ words. It just comes out. I praise you both for attempting the therapy sessions. It is hard what you are going through. I continue to pray for you both.
Rebecca says:
Heather from my experiences of losing a baby, having therapy and writing I say that sometimes therapy sucks, and sometimes it is great. It does take time (damn I’m impatient!!). And writing is awesome. The combination, over time, is probably the best solution. It doesn’t mean now is the right time for you but you are probably dealing with as much as you can right now. Grief like therapy takes time.
I am thinking of you both.
Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba) says:
Therapy TOTALLY sucks. Totally. But, I’m finding it to be worth it.
Much love…
Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba)’s last blog post..THIS is the American Idol finale night…
Maria says:
Maybe it’s not therapy itself but this therapist? Asking you to rehash those events seems insensitive and kind of weird. It’s not like you’ve forgotten them or will ever forget them.
I’m glad Mike is going to counseling though, since he seems to be getting something out of it. I hope you can both find something that works. I think there’d be some value in going to someone together, but it needs to be someone who makes you feel comfortable (as comfortable as possible) about going…
amanda says:
Heather, I have not had much luck with therapy myself – but of course I was recommending you and Mike go in Mike’s last post here. It just seems like such a tremendous amount of grief for two people to handle alone – although I know with your family and friends, you are not really alone- but I thought it might help with someone who is not directly impacted by Maddie’s passing. I can only imagine how much you just want to FEEL BETTER – you are so right when you say grief is so exhausting. Maybe in a few months going to a therapist will help you – once this shock period has worn off – or maybe it won’t. You’re giving everything a shot, and that’s all that matters. The shittiest thing about sadness is the only real balm is time.
xo from CT,
Amanda
amanda’s last blog post..temptation
Krysti says:
I wish I had some words of wisdom that would help, but I don’t. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain. You need to do what’s right for you now. Maybe it’s therapy, maybe at that this point, it’s not what you need. I do hope that Mike will continue his treatment, although he’s handling his grief the same way so many do. He was trying anything he could to squelch the pain. You are both in my prayers today and everyday.
Christy says:
I know that in the therapy I’ve been to for issues in my past (at the time) opened up a lot of things that I felt might have been better to remain closed…it was kind of like the old saying, ‘it gets worse before it gets better.’ I remember that it was so painful at the time, but until I was willing to really look at it and describe how I felt, those feelings came out in ways that were self destructive and detrimental to my relationships. Once I worked through it, those things that happened in the past lost their power over me–they still were a part of me, but they were more like details in the fabric of who I was rather than the cause of my unraveling. I don’t know that it’s exactly the same as when you lose someone…I think the writing you do here probably is it’s own therapy session in a way, and if it helps you in any way, I say do it. It’s still so early–so soon after Maddie’s death, I think it’s normal that you would still be feeling so sad. If anyone is telling you differently, I think they’re crazy. I’m certain you WILL feel better down the road–but it will be (and should be) on your OWN time table.
Christy’s last blog post..I’m On To You
Tricia (irishsamom) says:
I totally understand your aversion to therapy. I think it depends very much on who you see and how they respect who you are and how YOU process your grief. I think that asking you to re-visit the pain that you are not ready for, is not healthy. You know your own instincts, follow them. Do what is comfortable for you. People are always feeling that things have to be rushed, fixed and you need time, more than anything else. I can so understand your fear of group therapy and taking on others’ pain. You are one of those caring, loving individuals that more than likely would. Listen to your own needs. Your own voice. You have more wisdom than anyone else outside of you. I wish you love strength on this difficult path. I hold you in my heart and thoughts every day and wish there was something that I could say or do to help your pain. You are amazing.
Tricia (irishsamom)’s last blog post..Taking the Road Less Travelled
Amelia Sprout says:
I’ll echo what others have said here. It only works if you want it to. It is something so personal that finding a therapist you like is less about what kind of a clinician they are, and how much you like them. I benefit from therapy, but only if it is some one I like. In 16 years of off and on therapy, I’ve found two.
The one that helped me the most was an art therapist. Within the language of my art, I could talk more about how I felt. I am the last person to have advice on how to deal with the stuff you have gone through, but maybe finding a less “traditional” therapist would help you more. Someone you could show your photography to, and use that to help you work through something some unimaginable.
Amelia Sprout’s last blog post..The 32 Square Foot Garden
charlane says:
Ah therapy, the place where they dredge up every last bad feeling mull over it and put it back for you to chew on for a couple more hours. Therapy despite feeling cruel, is really about having you focus on the problem, in your situation your huge loss, and coming to terms with it, not fixing, just dealing in a better way. It takes a really really really long time but it will work. Maybe you are not so crazy about the Therapist her or himself? Shop around a bit, because although it is like torture the right therapist can help you over the course of some time. As always you Mike and Maddie are my first htought and last prayer of each day…I must admit that I forget Rigby quite often but sometimes he sneeks in there too.
charlane’s last blog post..So Grateful!
Jodi says:
I found your blog through Matt Logelin’s blog and for the first two days, I did nothing but read…even many posts back from the beginning.
While I can’t even begin to imagine your pain, I felt compelled to comment on this one because I definitely can relate to the flashbacks and also to the way you feel that writing is very therapeutic. I do a lot of writing to help me work through the myriad of emotions I’ve experienced as the result of losing my husband. Some of my writing I make public, much of it is private.
And the flashbacks to those final hours are what I would imagine is some sort of post traumatic stress (if you are one to put a label on things). It’s been just over 6 months for me (he passed away on your Maddie’s birthday) and, for me, those terrible images have started to fade a little. I know I will never forget but I’m starting to be able to push those memories into the background and allow happier ones to float to the surface.
I wish I had advice but all of the advice in the world won’t heal your pain. The only thing I can strongly recommend is that you must be selfish in your grief journey. You must do what is right for you. I have not pushed myself to do anything until I felt completely comfortable with it, whether it be sleeping in our bed or something as simple as throwing away a food item that only he would have eaten. Waiting until it felt right made it much less painful.
I wish both you and Mike strength, hope, love and healing in the weeks, months and years to come.
kristen says:
heather – your ability to share your inner most feelings through pictures and written words is incredible and inspiring…so if your desire to share these same things through spoken words is just not there, then so be it. maybe it will come, maybe it won’t. in either case – you are certainly finding your own way to work through your pain and sadness. like so many have said before – continue to be kind to yourself…there’s so many of us who are here to listen and help in any way we can.
xxoo
kristen
Casey says:
Who among us knows, WHO KNOWS what will help? What will bring you and Mike some peace, some rest, some healing. I’m glad that you’re willing to try (just about) anything. Most of all, though, be easy on yourselves. This is a living nightmare for you…how can anyone be expected to make the right moves after that and understand which is the best path at any given moment. Keep writing, keep reaching out, and keep talking. You are finding the way even as you feel that it is all a crap shoot. Thinking of you.
Casey’s last blog post..Thrilling Third Thursdays
NoL says:
I just linked to your “partner in complete suck”‘s blog. The world boggles my mind. ((hugs)) to all of you going through this hell.
The pure light that I felt reading C’s version of how she chooses to remember her family; in the happy moments is truly beautiful. I hope she can retain that. I hope you and Mike can some day achieve that. I guess the front and the back of her drawing will always be linked.
((hugs)) again from Maine.
Lindsay from Florida says:
I spent most of yesterday catching up on the “happy times” in your blog (I unfortunately only came here from Matt Logelin’s after the horrible news had been shared online), and I am shattered by what I can only think of as a fairy tale with the wrong ending. I’m wearing purple today for Maddie.
Do whatever you feel is right for you, Heather. I’m so sorry.
Rose says:
My daughter died on 3/31/09. My path is the same but my footsteps are different.
Unknown………
I did not know that words could be so hollow
Until you could no longer hear me say I love you.
I did not know that days could be so long
Until night came without you on my pillow.
I did not know songs could sound so harsh
Until your voice was forever silenced.
I did not know tears could burn so brutally
Until I could not stop crying for you.
I did not know pain could hurt so continually
Until I realized that you are no more.
I did not realize the nature of your being
Until I saw the world stop at your death.
I did not know life could be so empty
Until your smile was torn from my heart.
I did not know that I could love so deeply
Until that which I loved was taken away.
annie says:
When one of my very best friends lost her son, she and her husband went to therapy. She said that it was always hard at the time of the appointment and immediately after but within a day or two she felt some relief. As time passed, the relief came sooner but it was always difficult to go. I guess my point is that it helped eventually so it was worthwhile but the healing took time.
Kim Wencl says:
Everyone is different when it comes to therapy. My daughter died on 9-20-03 and I handled my life the best way I could. I didn’t feel the need for therapy … until last September when the stress of losing her and being without her for five entire years, along with a very stressful job in customer service, sent me over the edge. I saw a therapist and it was very helpful. I was out of work for a month as well. Both of those were helpful … oh and my doctor put me on prozac … that helped as well. You need to do whatever you need to do to feel better.
Kim Wencl’s last blog post..Photo Shoot
Jamie says:
I’m glad you’re giving therapy a shot. It’s not for everyone but I know it helped me during my bad times. I really hope the same for you.
Jamie’s last blog post..Baby Thug.
Lisa says:
I think you’re right, I think you are using this blog and all of us readers as your own personal therapy. And, maybe that’s enough, but maybe it isn’t. Giving real therapy a try is probably a good idea. When I lost my father to suicide 10 years ago I didn’t try therapy. I wish now that I had. I don’t know when exactly I would have been ready to talk to someone (heck maybe I should even try now).
Remember to just take it one step, one day, one minute at a time. Much love and many hugs.
Lisa’s last blog post..Appointment with the Allergist
robyn says:
My mom’s sister lost her daughter (my cousin) two years ago. My mom says when she talks to my aunt after her grief counseling sessions, my aunt always sounds *worse*. So, I would go with your instincts on this one, and not jump into group grief counseling sessions if you think they would not be helpful.
robyn’s last blog post..Projects
Deborah says:
You must do what is best for you and Mike. I’m glad that you are getting some therapy, even if it is exhausting and sad and you don’t feel that it’s worth it right now. And of course, you have us as your therapists all over the world, always listening and nodding our heads and saying “Mmm-hmm.” You are loved.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
I actually tried group counseling…once. This particular group of women were intent on complaining about how their life stunk, but they weren’t willing to DO anything to make things better.
But, that was THAT particular group of women. Some groups are probably really supportive and helpful. I found that working with a behavior therapist worked best for me. It was painful, but I’m so glad I did the work.
At the risk of being repetitive, I’m thinking about you and Mike all the time. Sending invisible hugs…
Lynn from For Love or Funny’s last blog post..Bad Mail
chatty cricket says:
Don’t be too hard on yourself Heather, you’re doing the best you can given the craplot you were handed. Take your time, heal your way. No one can tell you how to do that, grief is so personal, but I do think that working with a therapist will help in time.
Like Deborah said, you are loved. Mike is loved. Maddie is loved.
chatty cricket’s last blog post..Too nice out for an actual wordy post
Amazing Greis says:
Still thinking of you daily.
Still praying for you and your family.
Still wishing I could do more.
Amazing Greis’s last blog post..Weigh-In Wednesday Week 19
Karen says:
Therapy is a type of rehabilitation. Therapy is also a lot of work and it will only be effective when you’re ready. Think about it this way, if someone is in a massive car accident and suffers horrible injuries, they can’t begin their physiotherapy until their wounds and broken bones have healed. You need time to heal. (Mike’s situation is a little different of course. Mike reached a breaking point and needed intervention, which is far different than therapy…)
There are no rules for grieving. I think the most important thing to remember though, is that your grief is just that; yours. How you get through it will be designed (and should be designed) by you. For now? Do whatever makes you feel comfortable (if that’s even a reasonable word to use). If talking to a therapist helps then that’s great, but if it makes you feel better to write and to talk to people you know and trust then that’s great too. Be in the moment. Be gentle with yourself and focus on feeling better for just *this* moment. Not the past, not next week, just right now.
I know you just want to stop being sad and in pain. Everyone wants that for you. What you need now is to feel and be loved, supported and cared for by your friends and your family. Figuring out how to be normal again can wait.
Karen’s last blog post..Did you keep your receipt?
wn says:
I guess I could say the same thing as everyone else…do what feels right, but you are a smart girl and I suspect that you already know that.
Just know that whatever you choose, your internet tribe is behind you. I think it it evident that we all just want what is best for you and what best helps you deal with the darkness right now in your life.
For what it is worth, I have been in therapy on and off this year too, after a horrendous year (medical negligence during my son’s delivery which left *damage*, Mom with 2 types of cancer, marital problems, etc…) and while I don’t pretend that our two situations look ANYTHING alike or even compare, I have found that therapy has helped me in strange, difficult and also good ways. It has made me less anxious, less emotional and generally more focused and has brought me to a place that I didn’t imagine I could be at this point last year.
I think the advice on going with your instincts is good because in the end, you are the ONLY one who really knows what is going on inside of your heart and mind.
Deidre says:
I think you should give group therapy a try. I certainly did not feel that I took on people’s grief, I was so egocentric with my grief…But you do feel good to know that you are not the only one feeling the way you do. You do make friends and there is this instant connection no matter the age of the person you are talking too. I think it helps to hang out with people that are going through your same type of pain. Just try it once, and it is not like you have to speak either. Some like to talk, others just listen in the group. Happy Day my new friend.
Deidre’s last blog post..Home Funerals
Katelyn says:
Another Angel Mom stated on her blog once: “I am not just dealing with grief, I am dealing with trauma as well.” From what you’ve gleaned in this post I wouldn’t be surprised if both you and Mike were suffering from some degree of PTSD. I’m not a therapist, I don’t know how to properly advise you in that area, but maybe the therapists can help with that. I ache for you both. I sincerely hope you can pick up the pieces and enjoy life again one day. Take care of yourselves, and each other.
Katelyn’s last blog post.."Family Photo"
Susan says:
I have done group therapy with other parents who lost a child. I have a love/hate relationship with it. I always dread going, I always feel wrung through the wringer afterwards but sometimes it is a relief to talk about the things. We once had a laughter filled discussion about our children’s ashes and the absurdity of trying to figure out what to do with them. No where else could that discussion EVER have taken place.
I am one to keep things in, or blog, not talk. I have enough flashbacks to my son’s last breath and horrible last weeks that I don’t want to talk about them and I would be upset to be made to discuss them when I didn’t want to. I am thinking the individual therapy will come in the future still and I am 2 years out.
I think only time helps you feel different (and not better per say). I am getting USED to my life without my son, but it still hurts like hell and I still cry a little every day.
Susan’s last blog post..Thanks for the reminder….
2Forgetful says:
I think finding the right therapist is key. There are different styles that therapists use. I was 10 years old when my mother committed suicide while my brother and I were the only ones home. I struggled with this for years and attempted counseling from time to time. It wasn’t until recently that I found a therapist that I really liked and was finally able to “finish” therapy. She used the CBT approach which was more about giving me coping tools versus “talk therapy” aka the Psychoanalytic approach. I would leave sessions feeling tired/exhausted/emotional but in the end it was worth it.
That said, do what’s best for you and keep blogging/talking to friends/doing whatever helps.
Jennifer says:
Hi Heather–You will know what’s right and what works for you-if you feel uneasy about the group therapy then it’s not time yet. Maybe someday you’ll you’ll try it and see. I agree w/ the others that say to maybe check out a different therapist? I’m sure therapy can be a huge help–but it must depend so much on the personality/approach of the therapist?
Anyway, continuing to think of you and Mike!
Jennifer’s last blog post..Weird Stuff
Domestic Extraordinaire says:
I have a hard time with therapy. Now some people have gone to therapy with great results, but because I have to take my mood stabilizing drugs my HMO requires me to talk with the therapist every 6 months or so. I hate it, it brings me such anxiety. I am not one to go on and on about myself, I know I have a blog, but in some ways that is different. Blogger isn’t asking me questions, asking me to relive crap in my life that I have tucked away neatly in a little box in the corner of my mind. I think that most of them don’t really understand the pain that they are treating and don’t understand what they are asking of you or I to relive things that you really couldn’t handle the first time around.
I could go on and on (as today is my day for epic long comments-just ask Anissa)-so i will cut this short and tell you that my heart is with you guys. Much love. xoxo
Domestic Extraordinaire’s last blog post..Giggles circa 1980something
Susan says:
So many great comments above. You will do what you need to do. I agree with the very first comment that you are showing healing just by blogging… it is good to hear that you and your husband are trying to get the help you need even if you are not sure what it all is yet. Keep trying….
moosh in indy. says:
and how do you feel about that?
moosh in indy.’s last blog post..Expanding my muffin in the name of charity.
Jenni says:
Sending hugs from Ohio. I really don’t know what else to say except that I pray for you and Mike daily.
Meg says:
Everyone heals in their own way…Do what feels right for YOU. It may not be what helps someone else, or Mike for that matter. Unfortunately, even though you are on the path together, you need to heal yourselves first. Wish I could wave my magic wand for both of you. Both of your pain is so raw. Be gentle with yourself and eachother.
Peace
Tammy says:
You seem to be dealing with the loss of Maddy in a healthy way – you talk, you write. Maybe therapy can just be another port in this storm. I’m so glad you have so much support. Prayers coming.
Andrea says:
You are an awesome writer! These words are therapeutic to me and it wasn’t *me* the loss happened to. I don’t have any words of wisdom regarding therapy, my husband is in it and as a spouse dealing with that. I don’t know how to react to him sometimes with what he is dealing with…I just always try to listen to him and I’ll do the same for your words here too. I am still praying for you and Mike.
Cute~Ella says:
You might not love therapy or the idea of it, but you’re trying to heal and that’s the important part. When I was in therapy and Dr. B would ask about something I didn’t want to or wasn’t ready to talk about yet, I would tell her “I’m not talking about that right now.” and that was that. Sometimes there were long silences in our sessions, but you know in your heart what’s right and I think that the most beneficial part of therapy is that it gives you the tools to help heal yourself… Also, she just might not be the right therapist for you. Keep trying. That’s the important part. HUGHUGHUG
Cute~Ella’s last blog post..Happy Birthday RugRat
Annie says:
If you don’t feel like you’re getting anything out of it, maybe it is too soon or maybe the therapist is not a good fit. My son had to get therapy and it was night and day when we went from a therapist that was not a good fit to one that was.
Although, to be honest, I dont think therapy is going to take away your pain. I think it might help you cope if you are having trouble functioning, but it’s just so soon after the worst loss imaginable for you to expect to feel better. I am so sorry, that probably was not helpful. I am praying for you and Mike.
Notesfromthegrove says:
I think your writing is probably incredibly theraputic for you. Back when I was going through some hard times of my own, I suddenly began writing poetry and songs…whether they were any good remains to be seen, lol, but it helped me to feel better all the same. I remember the night before I moved out of my boyfriend’s and my apartment (back in 2005), I sat on the couch with a big, black sharpie and wrote a lot of poems containing very colorful words…I don’t know why but it felt great. I know breaking up with someone and losing a child are worlds apart, but I think it’s great that you know what feels good for you, yet you’re remaining open to other things as well.
I’m always thinking of you, sending you love and cyber-hugs from a couple of states away…(((((Heather))))).
-Brittany
Notesfromthegrove’s last blog post..Project B29-365
always home and uncool says:
Give a shot for a while. It could only help and help couldn’t hurt. Send my best to MIke. K
always home and uncool’s last blog post..How Dorothy Parker Got Started
Sarah says:
Just sending lots of love and positive thoughts your way, cause that is all I know to do.
Sarah’s last blog post..Horse Stuff
Jenn says:
My Mike resisted therapy when we found out Jude had a stroke in utero. To me it was important to go talk about what this may do to us as a couple. He felt better once we went, but I totally see why you would have an issue. He never went back either, just went the once.
I think your writing is therapy, and I am glad you are expressing your emotions here. I also understand Mike wanting to drink……..it numbs the pain, but I am glad he is getting some help.
Again, thoughts and prayers as always.
Jenn’s last blog post..A tummy virus, and softball games
Bellamomma says:
Every time I left therapy I felt like a wrung out sponge ~ exhausted, drained, emotionally f’d up. I had to take that night & just be alone. I needed to recharge from the emotional dump I had taken in their office.
She wanted me to rehash the hardest day of my life, over and over (as if it wasn’t on a constant loop in my head driving me bat-crap-crazy – thus the shrink appointment!). When I asked her why she said I needed to take it apart, look at it in bits & deal with the tiny bits one moment at a time – I was trying to deal with the WHOLE situation & I was overwhelmed. Dealing with one tiny bit at a time, working through that one moment – that really did help me survive in the long run. Yeah, the long run takes a long, long freakin time – but it does come.
Ask your shrink what their plan of action is for you: why the constant rehash, what milestones are they looking for? Maybe if you know where the line of questioning is meant to lead, it won’t feel so alien for you ….
Then again, you lost your baby. This is never supposed to happen, this is all alien territory.
((((HUGS)))) Keeping you & Mike in my prayers.
(My journey to the shrink’s couch led me through alcohol too – I’m so glad Mike got help so quickly.)
Bellamomma’s last blog post..It’s time for all good girls to learn to sleep
Trisha says:
Still thinking of you daily and praying for you every night!
(((HUGS)))
Susan says:
Therapy can really be horrible but I’ve always found it beneficial eventually. I think of you and Mike often. You remain in my prayers.
Susan’s last blog post..Everybody Wang Chung Tonight
Michele says:
Thinking of you and Mike, and Maddie, today and everyday. I wish I could do more.
Take care of yourselves any way that works. I am so goddamn sorry for the pain you are in.
I truly hope glimmers of happiness of your time with your amazing daughter begin to shine through the darkness you are in now.
~ Michele in Staten Island, NY
Jessica Harrison says:
Dear Sweet Heather: I just can’t even imagine what you are going through, but I think it speaks volumes that you can come on here and share your pain, sadness and sorrow with thousands of people. We are all pulling for you Heather. You and Mike. Just one second at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. I think I can speak for most people in saying that we don’t know you, but we love you and wish we could each take a peice of your pain. Keep writing…it is theraputic. I’m glad Mike is seeing some one about his drinking. That also speaks volumes. We love you both and are pulling for you. Lots of love from Missouri!
Dawn says:
That’s why we look at you – to try and help.
Dawn’s last blog post..Mommy Blogging Marketing
Christiana says:
I hope therapy helps you. But I also think that writing this blog and getting out your grief is probably a big help, and a help for “right now.”
I think the more you TRY to feel better the more you will, with time.
My heart and prayers are with you and Mike.
Christiana’s last blog post..Clean up and Looking on the Bright Side
Courtney says:
It’s better to realize that you would take on everyone elses pain and not go, then to go and be brought down even deeper by others who are unintentional in doing so. Glad to hear therapy is helping Mike, and I hope that writing here for you is like his therapy! God Bless, you all are always in my thoughts and prayers!
Courtney in New York
Courtney’s last blog post..Movie Reviews
Debby says:
I think your on the right path. Yes it is a slow process with therapy but I would reach for all the help that is available.
Debby’s last blog post..I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY
Betsy says:
I wish I could just snap my fingers and all of this would go away! Listen to your spirit and if it’s telling you that now is not the time, then focus on that! Right now, you’ve got to take it moment by moment and what may work one may not work the next….in the meantime, I’m still praying!
Betsy’s last blog post..The Simplicity of today…
Alexandra :)(? says:
That’s a choice that everyone has to make for themselves. I can totally relate to the “I just hate being like everybody else”. And everyone having a therapist. One guy I met spent twenty grand in therapy because he was trying to get over the girl he dumped. It’s great that it’s helping Mike, though.
Connie says:
The first person isn’t always the right person. And the person right for Mike likely won’t be right for you.
Do talk to your therapist about how you’re feeling about your relationship with him/her and he/she will help you find someone who is a better match or change what he/she is doing with you to get to what will make you more comfortable with the process.
That’s all therapy is, working through a process. Take meds if you need to to help with the process and while writing is helpful, we’re not going to be able to get you focused on working through your emotions.
I really hope you’ll give it some time and work with your therapist to find what’s right for you. Therapy saved my life so I guess I’m a pretty strong advocate, but I also went through two “bad” therapists before I found the one that was perfect for me and changed my life.
Hugs and love always and please take care of yourself.
Connie
Jenn says:
Therapy is hard. I have been in therapy for nearly a year now and I will tell you that at first it was so incredibly painful I almost couldn’t breathe when I walked out the door from a session. It hurts so much at first because you HAVE to finally acknowledge and confront all of the hurt, the horrible things that happened, the anger, etc. after pushing it down and trying to ignore it. I don’t think you can go too early, honestly. It just hurts more if you go sooner because all of it is raw. But I do think that going will help you more to keep going now and work through it sooner rather than later. It really does help to have someone outside the situation as a sort of sounding board.
I’m so incredibly sorry for what you have been through. No one should ever have to endure losing a child.
wendy thomas says:
A good therapist is worth their weight in gold. A bad therapist is simply a waste of time. Go but listen to your heart and brain. If things aren’t working out (after you have given it the ol college try) then find someone or something else.
Recognize also that your mind is going to throw every conceivable obstacle in your way. It may be fearing that if you give up the pain, you’ll have to face some truths that you would rather not.
wendy thomas’s last blog post..The Great Hamburger Experiment Meal 11 – Mother’s Day Faux-Hamburger Helper – 41.5 pounds to go
Lauren says:
The ONLY thing that started to drag me out of the sadness after Ella died was talking to someone about it. Someone who had been through the same thing. Not my mom or my husband (he too was broken), but a stranger. Trust me, I didn’t seek it out – rather a friend of mine gave HER friend my story and contact info. At first I was furious. The “friend” contacted me via e-mail. She was blunt, asking me specific questions about the details of the night my water broke, what the doctor said, and what happened when Ella died. I thought, “how dare she?!” It took me two weeks and a gazillion versions of my e-mail – afterall, I didn’t know her and she didn’t know me. I kept thinking “Do I share? How much? She can’t possibly understand. She doesn’t deserve to understand”…etc. But I wrote her back and we still communicate daily – it’s been 19 months.
I think once I started talking to her and she listened and shared on a daily basis, things started to get better. Don’t get me wrong, it has been a long road and a lot of things have contributed to the “fixing of me” – but THIS is what got me started on the road to BETTER. I never thought it would, but it did.
I think about you and Mike everyday. I pray the days will go fast during your healing process. You will both become whole again…you’ll be you – just with a different perspective.
Many hugs.
Lauren
Trish says:
Therapy isn’t for everyone. If you find it helpful, great. If it’s not helpful, you’ll find something else that is. I wouldn’t want to relive or discuss those three hours either. I’d rather remember the good times; it’s better for me.
I think you guys seem to be doing amazingly well, given the circumstances. Much love and strength to you. We all support and love you.
Trish’s last blog post..Chuck E Cheese is not …
Tami says:
Therapy works for some people, but it didnt work for me. I now look back and think of all that money I spent on nothing. You do what works for you. If you find comfort threw e-mails, or threw your blog, you are the one that has to be at peace with it. You are in my thoughts and prayers..
Hugs
Chris says:
There are so many wonderful comments above. The first time I went for PTSD, and maybe it helped maybe it didn’t. The second time I went for grief and my experience was more like yours. I felt all she wanted me to do was relive the pain, the fear the actual experience of watching death. I felt worse everytime I went and everytime I left. I finally stopped going because it wasn’t for me. So, I think it’s different for everyone and different at different times of life. Just know whatever you do you have lots and lots of love and support out here.
Molly says:
I (obviously) have no useful advice re: therapy but just wanted to remind you of the lovely words you wrote for Maddie’s service and for the MOD. I think often about what you said about having no regrets, and just how lovely that is. Just wanted you to know. Someday this won’t be quite so hard.
Insta-Mom says:
My dad and I were really close. He died suddenly and the things I saw as it happened are things I see regularly, but don’t like to remember. I went to three therapy sessions afterward at the encouragement of my mother, who was benefitting greatly from therapy. I did not. I hated it. Every moment of it.
Do what works for you. Be open to everything, but only do what feels right to you. Because from everything I know (which is admittedly very little) that’s the only way to come out on the other side.
Insta-Mom’s last blog post..Someday…
Molly says:
I guess I do have some advice re: therapy (but not grief): I agree with the others that it is important to find somebody that you absolutely click with and feel comfortable with from the beginning. Sometimes I have had better luck with MSWs than PhDs (this is an over-generalization to be sure) b/c they can be less “by the book” and more willing to let the conversation meander a bit rather than directing it. Maybe you can get a good recommendation from a friend or even Dr Looove?
Becky says:
I *hear* therapy is really good for some people. Others, like me, I don’t know, are able to deflect whatever the shrink is saying and put on a show. Which tricks the shrink and wastes both my time and money.
Hopefully, you’re better at talking about your feelings than I am, and if you’re not, well, I hear my hotel has some sort of chocolate tasting thingy. And vodka. Always with the vodka.
Love you, Heather.
Becky’s last blog post..Now THAT Was Awkward
Kristin @ Contented Me says:
I think that whatever route you take to work through your grief is yours to take… if writing this blog and talking with others who have been down the same path help, then keep doing it. If it takes talking to a professional or working with a group, then do that. I don’t think any of this will be easy and i’m just so sorry that you even have to deal with it. I hope that some day you are able to get out of the shadow of all that sadness… it will come but I guess it just takes time.
Kristin @ Contented Me’s last blog post..design inspiration: kid’s playroom
gorillabuns says:
Damn, too many words for me to read in the comments. All I have to say is, I’m making the t-shirt so, shoot me your address. ONLY, if you want to that is.
gorillabuns’s last blog post..Facebook isn’t all bad
badassdad05 says:
You’ve got to find your own way through the thicket of grief and change and pain and sorrow and recovery and moving on and never forgetting and finding the right distance and becoming who you are now after all of this. There’s no magic pill. Will it feel better eventually? I guess that depends how you define better. It definitely fades with time, which is good and bad. Mostly good, since dissolving into a crying heap on a regular basis makes grocery shopping really complicated. And I say this having never lost a child, but having a lost a sibling, and having my own experience with that as well as watching what my parents went through. So it’s not the same. But it’s related, I think. Anyway, it looks to me like you guys are doing the things you need to do, and there’s no perfect way to do it, and it just won’t be easy or smooth, but you will come out the other side. We’ll help if we can.
badassdad05’s last blog post..sublime, ridiculous
Must Be Motherhood says:
Hmm. Maybe just go to couple’s therapy to continue learning how to support one another and keep communication alive…and leave Mike to his own personal therapist while you go about it your own way?
Must Be Motherhood’s last blog post..10 Years Gone By Now: A Highly Important Poll
Therese says:
I use to hate therapy, I was a foster child and I think I felt like I was forced to go, but when I made the choice on my own to go years later it did help. The therapist actually did not have to talk at all, just having a third party that did not know me or nothing about me, and me being able to talk through everything helped me figure things out.
However, this is different, a different situation, a different type of counselor, maybe it is too soon, it is so hard to tell what the right thing to do is. I know with myself, there are days I honestly try to not to come here, because the sadness is just too much at times, so with that said, I really cannot begin to imagine what you are going through, hopefully since the counseling is helping Mike, maybe that will allow him to figure out how to help you get through it, I don’t know the answer but I wish I did.
Gina G says:
I think like everyone has said, do what feels right. I personally could never go to a therapist. The first time she ask “and how does that make you feel” or “how do you feel about that.” (Mooshy in Indy made me laugh) I would not be responsible for what I did next. I had a friend who had some therapy sessions and felt she was a therapist after she completed her sessions. Drove me crazy!!
Most important thing is to do what makes you feel OK. It may be writing in your
blog on one day. or the next day talking to your friends. or some days it may be
seeing a therapist. Know that each day is a new day and what felt good yesterday
may not feel good today. I guess what I am trying to say is One Day At A Time
Heather. Just know you have a whole lot of people behind you and Mike. People
you don’t even know and will never know, but we are out here and we are behind
you no matter what.
Peace Be With You Both!
nic @mybottlesup says:
whatever works for you, heather… and right now, maybe nothing works for you. and that’s ok. life is just not working for you right now. which blows. completely.
but whatever it is that gives you the strength to put one foot in front of the other… do that… for maddie. and i know you are. you’re trying so hard to find a way to put one foot in front of the other and i commend you for that.
nic @mybottlesup’s last blog post..sex, continued…
Issa says:
I think therapy can be good, if you are getting something out of it. But your grief is your grief and you have to deal with it in your way. If it helps Mike and not you, then maybe you don’t need to do it, or maybe only for a bit. Either way, no one can tell you when you won’t feel sad all the time.
I am with you, writing and emailing people is always more helpful to me than talking to some shrink. To each his own, I guess.
Just know, we’re here to listen, whenever you need it. Hugs.
Issa’s last blog post..Guest Post: Where real and imaginary blend together
Danes says:
I’m not even going to pretend to know what to say about all of this because I have no clue. Just know that I love you and Mike and I’ll always be there for you both. We are on our 6th grade class trip and I ran up to the rickety old Mac with sticky keys to tell you I love you. I’m always thinking and praying for you both. I love you.
FunnyGal KAT says:
It IS exhausting to be sad and it does eventually end. I know because it did for me. I don’t know exactly when, but just last night I was taking the dogs for a walk, looked at the beautiful sunset and thought about my mom without that gut-wrenching, tears-instantly-in-my-eyes feeling. I still get sad, but less often and perhaps not as sad as before.
Hang in there!
FunnyGal KAT’s last blog post..sj needs — well not really but i bought them anyway- a new pair of shoes
feefifoto says:
Therapy can be helpful and useful to almost anyone. You can unload your grief on someone whose only interest is your welfare, who hasn’t participated directly in the events that cause your sadness. Group therapy, on the other hand can be more annoying than useful. Do whatever you have to do to heal. Best of luck.
feefifoto’s last blog post..Sign Here Please: In Which Cupcake Braves A Lightning Storm To Meet The Author Of The Lightning Thief
Tricia says:
Do what YOU need to do. If you think that the therapy is helping, go…if you say fuck therapy then fuck it. Sorry about the language lol Love you guys and in a way (I think ) we are your group therapy, this blog is your therapy and I hope and pray that in some, small way, it will help you through the dark times. Always thinking of you guys and wish you both any peace and unsad moment that you can scrounge up. I know you both don’t think so but you are so strong and you have so many people who are inspired by that strength. *HUGS*
Kristen says:
Whatever works for you, whatever heals your pain, whatever your path leads you to seek is all ok. Let people make their suggestions and then do as you have been: protect Mike, and protect yourself. Whatever happens as the long days wear on, know we are loving you through it, every moment of every day, and that we will love the people you will be when you begin to emerge from the darkness, endlessly.
Kristen Gunther
Yo says:
hugs and hugs. it’s all i can say.
Yo’s last blog post..The Big Red Slide
Lady Lemon says:
I’m glad that you are trying out the therapy, at least. Maybe it’s not the right outlet for you, but maybe it will be helpful to Mike and then he can be more helpful to you in going through this.
And if you do find that therapy isn’t helpful, at least you will know you gave it a shot.
So, so, sorry you are dealing with this. But it really does sound like you are making good progress.
And you are totally right about sadness being exhausting. I hope you can find a small break from it today some time.
Lady Lemon’s last blog post..In the Garden
Funsize says:
I’m glad you two are going to therapy- it’s something I wish my husband would do, I think it would be good for him. I tried going to therapy, and the therapist that I seem like I have “normal” depression (whatever that means), that I’m not a risk so she doesn’t feel like she needs to see me every week, but on a when-I-feel-the-need-to basis. She suggested group therapy, but like you, the idea doesn’t appeal to me, because I don’t want to go relive everything in front of people.
Do whatever feels right with you, at your own pace. There’s no time restriction in grief, you go through it on your own terms. Don’t apologize (to yourself or to others) for being constantly sad. It takes a long time to accept it and allow it to be part of you, because you’re forever changed, and it’s always going to stick with you. It’s just a matter of accepting it and learning how to allow it to come out when you want it to. I’m still working on it myself.
xoxo
Funsize’s last blog post..This is only typical with parents of children. I am a freak and I know it.
Lindsey says:
I’ve only been reading your for a few days, but in those few days I have acquired a broken heart for your family and your struggle. I just want you to know that one more person is praying for you and Mike and one more person is amazed at your little girl, her life, and her impact already on the lives of so many. You’ll continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
Anne says:
As I laid in bed @ 3 am with my little guy (he’s 14 months) I couldn’t help but think of you and Mike. I can’t imagine what either one of you is going through and I know that there is nothing that can be said to make instantly better. Anyways, I was laying in bed with my little guy (who refuses to let me sleep this week) we were all snuggled up and I kept kissing the top of his head and that’s when you popped into my head and I decided that I am going to share my hugs and kisses with you! No….that doesn’t mean I’m going to show up at your door to smother you with hugs and kisses. What it means is I will kiss and hug my little guy 3 times as much as normal and love him 3 times as much as I already do! Reading all of your posts this last month has opened my eyes and taught me to love more and I thank you for that! You are in our thought’s and prayers everyday!
Anne’s last blog post..In LOVE with BabyMe Boutique
Ginger says:
More hugs here. Be you. You do know yourself really well Heather, so listen to your heart.
Ginger’s last blog post..Tell it like it is
Sunny says:
Personally, I don’t think you should be reliving those last hours in therapy if you are not ready. You are still in the immediate acute trauma stage, and you should be working on ways to cope on a VERY basic level, not mining all those horrors and processing them.
Someday, but not yet.
(Speaking as a counselor myself.)
Sunny’s last blog post..Okay insurance company, I’ll play your twisted game…
melissa says:
I personally believe that therapy works when your ready and you find the right person for the both of you. Go with your gut, do what feels right. Keep writing if that’s what is working right now. There is no right time or right way. When you and Mike “find” the time , place and method that works best for you both – you will feel it. You won’t question it. I’m here listening with everyone else.
Midwest Mommy says:
I have often told people blogs are like therapy without being rushed to get all your thoughts out in a timed 30 minute session.
Midwest Mommy’s last blog post..Summer Fun!
April says:
Therapy isn’t about making you feel better after a 50-minute session, but a process. I’m glad that you’re both seeing someone. I just hope that it’s someone you really comfortable with. If not, feel free to shop around until you feel that click. (I’m not a therapist or anything; I just know how much therapy helped me through my divorce and transition into single motherhood. I still go when things get too much for me to handle.)
Julie says:
I’m with you on group therapy and completely understand your reasons for not wanting to do it.
Alexandra says:
I know what you mean, the rush “to feel better” soon. THe pain is so great, how do we come back? How do we keep on living? I know I would’ve run to a therapist, too, screaming “HELP ME!! THis is beyond what I ever thought would happen in my life.” Who imagines that they would lose a child??? Who?
Keep doing what works for you, and Mike can do what works for him. We are all so different inside. Bless you both. You have all my tears..
Glenda says:
Thinking of you and Mike. May you both fine some peace and comfort some day. XO
Chris in NY says:
Aside from everything else, do you LIKE the therapist? Does he/she seem to be knowledgeable and helpful? If so, maybe you could take a break from the therapy and come back in 6 months to see how you’re progressing. I think half the battle is finding someone you can mesh with…if you’ve done that, hold onto her number and come back to her when you’re feeling up to it.
Also, therapy can be a painfully long process. With or without therapy, your grief and suffering aren’t going to end quickly. Speaking with a professional might simply keep you from bottling things up until your soul breaks.
Thinking of you always. Many hugs to you.
ali says:
Thoughts and prayers with you.
I have found, at least for me, therapy will really, truly only work when you are ready for it. When you’re ready to let yourself be there. Don’t push it, don’t force it and when you know in your heart you’re ready, don’t resist it.
You’ll know when you’re ready to be open to it.
tara says:
it IS exhausting to be sad. it just is. you will find what works for you. you, mike and maddie are in my thoughts every day. i wish there was something i could do to just take away a tiny bit of your pain. i am here, though, reading and sending you so much love and so many hugs. xo
Jennifer says:
Writing is therapy and should not be underestimated. There are some practitioners who suggest writing as a way of healing.
You should only do what works for you right now. It’s possible there isn’t a connection with this particular therapist and a new one may be able to give you more of what you need. Or, perhaps you just don’t want to do it right now and that’s OK too.
Be gentle with yourself, Heather.
Amanda says:
I just read your last three posts and wow, what a terrible ordeal for you both. I hope that you both find the right way to hold each other up and get through these dark days. Again, so sorry for everything that you are having to go through right now. I can’t imagine.
Debi Powell says:
Hi Heather!
If you were a stranger, reading your blog… you’d be so heartbroken for the Mommy and Daddy who lost their most beautiful daughter so tragically. That is how I (we all) feel. And from the outside looking in, it seems like you’re rushing yourself… trying to get thru the pain quickly and you dont feel ready yet. Take your time….. feel what you need to feel…. and know there will be a day you will dance again, laugh again, and feel hopeful again. Maddie has only been gone not even 7 weeks (I know it seems like yesterday in some ways, and in other seems like a lifetime ago) This is your season of mourning, of sadness. There are more seasons than the one you’re in right now so have hope that this is not forever. Keep sharing your pain because it must help having us along to help carry your burden. SO many love you and Mike… and wish we could transfer you into a new season, but it will come when its supposed to. This is a verse in the bible to give you hope that it will come…. He says it will. I dont mean to be your bible thumpin’ blog reader!! But this is what I believe with my whole heart… and I want to share this with you!
Much love to you and Mike!
xoxoxoxo
Debi
<>
American King James Version
——————————————————————————–
1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
Kate says:
Therapy kind of helps me but writing it out on my blog is easier. Still, I’ve been doing therapy for a while now and I have noticed it does get better. The key is to find a good therapist. Like people, you have chemistry with some more than others. If you don’t find help in the one you’re seeing after a few tries, you may want to try someone new.
**hugs**
Kate’s last blog post..Reading “Waiting For Daisy”
cj says:
praying for your family……..
Susan says:
I’ve been in therapy for years, started with a loss as the catalyst that lead to depression and anxiety that I didn’t want to deal with but eventually had to. I am a very impatient person too. I say to my psychiatrist and my therapist all the time: “I want to feel better. Why can’t I?” Plus, Healing the mind-body connection is like a thousand times harder than the body. We get sick, we take medicine, we’re cured. Emotional hurts, losses, memories, grief, it doesn’t work that way. Makes things even worse because we’re conditioned to believe that modern medicine makes us better–and it doesn’t take three fucking years. Or ten years. Whatever. But I don’t know a single person in therapy, group or otherwise, who doesn’t want to feel better TODAY. It sucks. It really sucks that it has to be a “process.” Does time heal because we remember, or because we forget? I ask myself that question every day.
JustAMom says:
I agree with everyone who says it may be the therapist, therapy helps some, not others…. but most importantly, those who say keep writing and reaching out to those who are further along the path than you.
I am in a horrible (though not nearly as horrible as you – my baby is here and alive and well, and when I get overwhelmed I remind myself of that) situation right now that very, very few understand. People – my family and friends, want to help, but they just don’t know how and really just piss me off sometimes. I have a mentally ill and extremely abusive ex and because we share a child, I cannot escape him. I never, ever, in a million years could have imagined that he would do the things he does. I see a therapist, and the therapist has done wonders as far as helping me understand the LOGIC, the illness and helps me realize I’m not crazy. BUT – she learned this by going to school. She’s never lived what I am living. So – while I am grateful for her help – and it has really helped to understand he is ILL (in addition to just being an asshole) But – it’s the support group I’ve found, women who have LIVED what I am living, that has truly saved my sanity. So yeah, your therapist can explain the textbook story to you – these are the stages of grief, blah, blah, blah…. reaching out and accepting help from those who have walked in your shoes is really the best thing you can do, IMHO.
God Bless you and Mike. This just fucking sucks.
Rachael says:
I’m so glad that you have your own supports. Therapy can be good, but there is nothing like having a solid support system in place for yourself. I just wanted to say that whatever helps you start healing is right. I think about you all the time, and pray for your peace.
Rachael’s last blog post..The Fates Have Spoken: Were Your Faves Renewed?
Amy says:
Reading about your Maddie has helped to heal my own heart over my pregnancy loss-something about the way she LIVED, the way she left her mark on your world (and on thousands of other hearts), is so beautiful, and I am so grateful for the time you had her.
I’m so sorry that all I can repay you with is empathy for what you and your husband are now going through. I’ve hospitalized my own husband for suicide attempts; it’s another situation no one understands until they’ve been there, but my heart goes out to you. I’m glad you are there for each other and that therapy seems to be helping him.
Sending much love to you, your hubby, and Maddie.
BabyFavorite says:
I have been catching up on your blog (I’m a newbie), and I just don’t know what to say. I have so much to say, yet it seems so insignificant, too. My heart aches for you. Because I have lost so many immediate family members (not my children, however), I am always doing the “what ifs” (my mother always said I tended to “die a million deaths” with all my worrying) and am afraid to not savor every, single moment with my children. I know how fast life can be taken away. Anyway, know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I won’t forget your story ever. God bless you both.
BabyFavorite’s last blog post..Real quick!
Bonnie says:
There’s just no way to get through something like this quickly, is there? Ugh! I’m just catching up with both of your blogs and I know we would all do anything to help the pain go away faster.
Sending good vibes your way!
Bonnie’s last blog post..Hard working man
Alyssa Molina says:
My mom died five years ago. I just started therapy in August. Some people it takes time. It’s hard when the wond is still brand new and everytime you try and heal it someone keeps ripping off the scab. You’ll make it. I promise.
Mary from WA says:
Oh please don’t rush yourself or do things only because you think other people (or you) think you “ought” to do them. Grief is a process. A long one. I don’t know if you & Mike would be intereseted in this place, but I ran across it in my web/blog perusings…at least here, no one will ask you how you feel, cuz anyone who is there feels the same way. And you can be involved with others or just sink into the precious solitude that is provided here. I know you are in LA area & this is in Wisconsin (I think), but the place appears to be so inviting & healing… http://www.faithslodge.org
Always praying for you,
Mary
Mary from WA’s last blog post..Sweetness
Leightongirl says:
Just reaching out to say that there is no clock on grief.
Kris says:
Think of the therapist as a mechanic who gives you a toolbox and shows you all the tools. This analogy is how I taught myself to appreciate the Dreaded Therapy.
Also, writing is a terrific way of getting pain out of your head. Don’t stop if it helps.
I simply can’t begin to imagine the world of hurt you are in. I stumbled across your website just 2 months ago, and I feel just terrible for you. Stunned. The only thing I can think is that despite the howling black grief you feel now, I think you and Mike will find joy again one day. It won’t take away one iota of love or sorrow for Maddie, but you will eventually feel it. I promise. Hang in there.
Jenny says:
I’m so sorry about your sweet baby girl. There is nothing easy about this journey you’ve found yourself thrown into. We’re 2 years 4 months out from losing our 1st daughter. It’s still hard, we still miss her like mad, but things are much more manageable now. We’ve learned to put one foot in front of the other. We’ve even learned to find joy in things again. I tell you this, b/c I needed so desperately to know that when I was where you are right now. I was scared it was never going to get better. I don’t even know if “getting better” is the right way to describe it… but your grief finds a way of fitting into your life that you can manage… in some ways it becomes a part of who you are…. at least that’s what’s happened for me. And while that might sound really depressing… your grief being part of who you are — it’s actually a comfort of sorts to me, b/c it’s a piece of Catie that I can still hold on to. Hang in there… it may never go away, but it will be much different than it is right now…
BTW, writing is my therapy too!!
Jenny’s last blog post..Living Gratefully
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] says:
It truly is worth saying, do what makes you feel better – whatever that is as long as you are safe.
brit says:
You have to protect yourself, even if it is from other people’s grief. It hard to feel empathy when you yourself are so empty. I would compare it to turning off the news. I can’t watch the news. there is too much. Too much that is horrible. I’m still aware of current events but I can’t watch the news.
it’s not wrong to protect yourself you have to…..
Bec says:
I don’t know if therapy would work for me either. I’m glad you’ve at least got some people to talk to and I really hope you do feel better soon. All my love.
Bec’s last blog post..Out of an act of charity
Noelle says:
Everyone heals differently…maybe the therapy will work for you, maybe it’s not what you need right now, maybe it will just give you some helpful tools to use down the road. Keep writing and take the time to mourn your loss. Wish so badly there was some magic wand I could wave…instead, sending wishes for strength, hope, hugs, and healing your way…
Lynde says:
I think you have a misunderstanding of therapy, particularly group therapy.
Gale in MN says:
My thoughts are always with you. I so remember the searing pain of losing a dear loved one. I think I was in a form of shock for weeks after the funeral. As we were making arrangement the director gave the card of a grief counselor. It was probably a month later that I called and made an appointment. I was/am very impatient so I saw him three times a week. I truely believe he saved my life. He helped me deal with the guilt and the pain.
I also tried group therapy and hated it. Everyone told their story but no one seemed to get better. When I realized that some of the people in the group had been there for over a year, I quit.
I hope that the therapist you are seeing is a grief counselor. It’s been over 25 years since I lost my husband to suicide and I still think of him and miss him. Now I concentrate on the good times.
Give yourself time. I remember writing long, rambling thoughts out on paper. I would write a letter to my sister and tell her how much I hurt but never send it. I found some of them recently and am amazed that I lived through it.
My daughter and I will continue to pray for you. Take care.
DAnielle says:
Heather and Mike,
I only started reading both of your blogs after your sweet Maddie passed away. I feel slightly connected to you both because I too have a preemie Maddie. I have become very invested in your story and each day I tell my Maddie about your Maddie, I have even read previous posts and shared her with my daughter. YOur Maddie was a true blessing and I can not find words to help ease you mind or give you peace in your heart..
I can say that I believe that your blogs can prove to be extremely theraputic and I am a therapist, so type away…I would am attending a training next week on grief and loss and art therapy and I am hoping that I can maybe share some of those suggestions with you through personal emails.
I know that you don’t feel like your strong at times (probably more times that not), know that everyone that reads your blogs finds you both to be strong and courageous for sharing your lives and Maddie’s life with us. I do pray that you are both able to experience some form of peace even it is a minute, just a sense of peace, you both deserve it. Always in my thoughts and prayers and heart.
Danielle
Amy says:
I think blogging is an excellent form of therapy. If it works for you to talk to someone – great. If it doesn’t, at least you tried. I tried a grief group and walked away even more broken than I walked in. It is one thing to handle your grief, but to experience the rest of the mothers was horrid. And then I would get impatient when I felt like someone was “hogging” the time or making it all about them (I know-that is terrible, isn’t it?). I finally found a chat room that was helpful beyond words.
I found the chat room and was able to get out a lot of feelings to women who KNEW. They made me feel like I wasn’t crazy and I wasn’t alone in this. And, after time, I felt like I helped them too…I finally was able to give where before I just took. That is the one positive I feel I have gotten from my experience.
I guess this is what I am trying to say: you are amazingly strong, Heather (though you may not feel it for a very long time) and while you may feel alone, please know you have a lot of people who care. We can’t make anything better, but we will be your sounding board and send you our best. Your words have given us all something (courage, an increased appreciation for what we have). I pray that you know just how much we are pulling for you, Mike and the rest of your families.
Jessica Ortega says:
Words cant express how deeply sorry I am for your loss. Maddies life is a true inspiration to me and I will carry her smile with me forever. God Bless You.
Jessica
Amy says:
You need to do what feels right for you and you alone. If going to therapy at this moment in time doesn’t feel like it is working – perhaps it is not a good fit with that particular therapist? Maybe the therapy style isn’t working for you – sometimes talking to someone who doesn’t have a dialogue back is helpful and other times having some one challenge you is helpful. But if all of it feels wrong at the moment – take a step back. Maybe you will go again someday, maybe not. Therapy shouldn’t feel like an added pressure…. that is certainly not what you need on your plate!
Thinking of you and Mike always…. My purple tulips bloomed today… made me think of you both.
Sarah says:
Therapy sucks ass. There is no question. I went for totally different reasons than you’re going, and it’s looking like I’m on my way back there for yet another totally different reason. But in the end, I was glad I did it. I hope that is the case yet again, for both of us. I caution against the temptation to reward yourself for sucking ass with a nice big milkshake… but hey. It’s not like you won’t have earned that action. Maybe a nice big salad would be happier for my ass in the long run… but, you know. SERIOUSLY?? So… I guess what I’m really trying to say is feel free to reward yourself for dragging your broken heart through the lawnmower of therapy… and however you want to do that is all you, and just beware of the ass-expanding powers of the glorious milkshake. Much love to you and Mike. I think of you two and your beautiful Maddie every day.
Rumour Miller says:
We all grieve in our own way and in our own time. No one can put a time line on it… even you. My experiences with infant loss are not the same as yours. I have experienced infertility, miscarriage and my nephews still birth… the pain doesn’t necessarily “go away”. Ever. But over time, it doesn’t hurt as much and it isn’t as sharp. We learn to live with our loss and what is right for one, isn’t always right for another… and that is okay.
I think it’s “normal” to be so incredibly sad and at the same time, not want to feel that sad.
The healing will happen… it’s hard to believe it when you are right in the middle of all this pain and grief but it will happen. Praying for you and Mike.
Rumour Miller’s last blog post..Asthma or not…. that is the question
betsy says:
It has been my experience working with people who are going through the grieving process that therapy initially is a good thing but actually will do more good at about the 6 month mark. It takes about 6 months to come out of shock. I’m glad you are doing something now and unfortunately, therapy does not always make someone feel better. The process sucks but the outcome can make all of it the worth it. You will know what’s best for you. You and Mike are in my thoughts everyday.
betsy’s last blog post..Outdoor Wednesday with Mr. Bonomo!
Amy says:
I just wanted to post again… and say that the second paragraph of your post was so hard to read. I can not even fathom having flashbacks like that…. your poor sweet girl, her sweet little body. So many of us wish we could take *those* kinds of memories away and leave you with nothing but wonderfully happy ones all the time. I know you have thousands of those happy memories… but I hope to god that the horrible ones lessen with time. They have to!
Listening to Bon Iver.. the song Blindsided… can’t help but think of you.
Maura says:
So many great words of support and advice. I just want to echo the ones that first occurred to me: You have to do only what is right for you, and for you & Mike. If writing gets you there, then that’s what gets you there. You certainly know we’re all here to read and support. Sending you my daily mental hug, my friend.
Maura’s last blog post..Year of Living Generously – A Brief Update
Jenn says:
Hi Heather,
As I read others suggest grief counselling, I thought to myself “I bet she has that covered” and I was right. Having been in therapy and going with my best friend into hers as a support person, I will agree with my whole heart…THERAPY SUCKS and it is HARD work! To the untrained eye it can, at times seem cruel (like having you relive those last 3 hours). I suspect however there is a very sound reason for that request and hopefully sooner than later it will become clear or at the very least, you will feel better.
Perhaps you can’t see it yet, but Heather…you ARE stronger. I can read it and feel it in your posts. I’m glad you’re getting help and so is Mike. I’m proud of you both and I bet sweet, sweet Maddie is too! I hope these words from all who adore you, some who don’t really know you and all that have fallen in love with your family are a little bit of a help. We all have such separate journeys yet the grief we have is as gut wrenching as the next. Hold on…one step at a time and remember to breathe…sometimes, that’s the best one can do.
No profound words today…just *hugs* from a stranger friend who prays for and wishes the best for you and Mike and who never ever forgets to say good night to Maddie at night!
Take Care.
Your Friend,
Jenn
Connor says:
I’ve been reading your blog, and I really must say that you and your husband must be some of the strongest people in the universe. I’ve never had a child, I’m only in highschool, and still every time I read your blog I end up crying.
You really are amazing, and my heart and prayers go out to you.
Kirsten says:
Heather,
I can relate to your feelings in some way. I also have a child born with a multitude of health issues and whenever we have sought therapy (mostly for my older daughter), there is this time when the therapist wants to work with the parents and we have to recap the whole history. I know this is necessary, but it’s still raw and emotional for me after 7 years, and frankly each time it just feels like someone is ripping off a scab.
I’m not trying to say that therapy isn’t a good thing, I went through grief therapy for a while and found it very helpful. But what helps is so very individual. What helped me were always concrete suggestions of things I could do. Processing a feeling or memory over and over was not a lot of help.
So keep looking for something or someone that will help you, and if your gut tells you to take a break, you are probably right. You will know when you’re ready. Meanwhile you’re in my thoughts (and Mike too).
Jessica says:
Hi Heather..I’ve been reading your blog for a little while now..and I’ve posted once or twice. I just wanted you to know that I’m still thinking of you, Mike, and Maddie every day and praying for you. I wish I knew what to say or how to help. I agree with some of the above posters. If you’re not comfortable, then chill for a while. Some people work out things differently. You just need to find what helps you the most personally and go with that.
You’re always in my thoughts,
Jessica
Linda says:
Heather – I am with you about therapy. Only you will know how and when to grieve. Nobody can tell you how to do that. They haven’t been there, they don’t know what it is like to be in your shoes.
If you do find it helps, fine, but other than that, you have to do it all in your own time, your own way. My aunt and uncle lost at little girl at 4 years of age. My aunt has passed now, but my uncle is still trying to figure it out, 40 years later. I can’t say he is doing anything wrong. This girl was supposed to be a part of the rest of his life, and God love him, she is! As will Maddie. No one can tell you how to do what is so foreign to the rest of the world. You WILL figure it out, in your own way, in your own time. And figuring it out may take the rest of your life, and that is ok too. When Maddie was born, you gave your life to her, and that is exactly what your are doing! God love you for that!
Leigh Anne says:
Heather,
I am not sure how I found you and why but I totally understand what you are going through. I did not lose Maddie but I did lose my Micah 4 years ago to a car accident. I know what it is like to lose Micah; I don’t know what it is like to lose Maddie. I do have an idea because I went through losing a child.
If anyone had ever told me that there would come a day where I would not cry I would have never believed them. If they had told me that I would some day be able to remember him alive instead of dead in a box I would have never believed that. It never ever goes away but life does somehow get more bearable.
I have never gone to group therapy either. I was like you. Everyone wanted to tell me their story. I took on their grief and it was overwhelming enough to have to go through my circumstances that I could not listen to their story. There story was just as important, but I just could not take it on. My therapy was writing as well. It still is and it works.
The intentions of people will be very honorable but you have to do what is right for you. And, I did not grieve the same way that my husband grieved. That was alright too. Even though you and Mike shared that child your circumstances and relationship with Maddie were different. It is alright to grieve differently. It does not make the way you grieve more right than his. Both are what each of you needs to do.
This is a journey that I would never ever wish on anyone. It is heart wrenching, unimaginable, unfair, and any other adjective that you would like to use. Some days are better than others. One day you will think you have made progress and then you will take ten steps back. It is all a part of the process.
I pray for you and Mike daily. I pray for strength, the healing of your heart, and the ability to think of Maddie and smile instead of cry. It can and will happen. There are still days that when I think of my boy that I can be in tears in seconds. There are also times when I think of him that I smile and feel so lucky to have been the one that he called “Mom”.
Keep writing. It helps you sort out your feelings and put things into perspective. It will give you an avenue for grief, anger, happy rememerances, and will give you a channel for all that love you have for your daughter. It all helps.
Leigh Anne’s last blog post..Deathiversary
Megan says:
I am so so sorry. I never left a comment before, I just couldn’t come up with the right words to say, and honestly I still can’t but I felt like I needed to let you know I’m reading and thinking of you and your husband and especially your sweet baby, every day. We lost our son when he was almost 3 months old last year and I know firsthand how much it helps just to know people are thinking about your child. Your all in my prayers.
Megan’s last blog post..Attention getters
Kristie says:
Every person grieves differently and each person responds to different forms of support. What helps one, may not be what helps another. The important thing is that you are dealing with it the best way you know how.
I will never understand your grief, except by reading your blog, because I have been unable/unsuccessful at staying pregnant. Thank you for sharing with me something I may never, otherwise, understand.. not only your pain, but your bond with your amazing child. I’ve dreamed about having a child for so long and I almost let it consume me. Thank you so much for sharing.
Cindy says:
Heather,
Grief counseling may not be for you because you already have such a huge support system of family, friends and readers. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day, when it doesn’t hurt so terribly much, you find yourself reaching out to support other young families who are going through the same thing you and Mike are suffering through right now. Maybe helping others who are trying to cope with the loss of their baby will help you make sense of this horrible thing you are living through. Look at how many lives you, Mike, and Maddie have already touched.
Cindy’s last blog post..These are the Times that Try Moms’ Souls
Lacey says:
I think sometimes if you go to a therapist, you have to find the “right one” for you. For me, my mom & I go to two bereaved parent support groups a month. I wanted to go right away & it has helped me alot. To be able to talk about my feelings, that I assumed were only thought by me, I realized that I’m not the only one who has these thoughts & feelings since losing a child. But I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that what might be right for one person, might not be right for the next. I think it’s hard to go to a therapist sometimes because, they haven’t been through it – They are only trained on how to treat someone who’s lost a child. I’ve heard numerous stories of therapist’s or physiologists that have lost a child & have said “I didn’t know what I was telling these poeple” until they’d been through it themselves. I’m not sure what your email is, but if you’d ever like to talk feel free to email me (lharris_rvt@yahoo.com) I lost my 3yr old son, almost 3yrs ago & I, unfortunately know what your going through. I wouldn’t wish the pain & heartache on my worst enemy.
((Hugs))
-Lacey-
Lacey’s last blog post.."I guess heaven was needing a hero, somebody just like you …"
Ana says:
I hope you find something that eases your burden, whether it’s therapy or talking to friends or blogging. Know that we are listening. I am so glad that Mike is experiencing some relief. I am praying daily that peace will find you.
Shannon says:
Heather,
I am the worst person to be commenting on your blog from a “I understand what you are going through” sense. Because, I don’t understand, have never gone through it, and I pray I will never have to.
I want you to know that I don’t know you, would ever in a million years have had a chance to meet you. But we are connecting now through your little Maddie. This connection has made me interact with my five children differently. It has made me a better mom. I appreciate things differently (and maybe much more).
Your Maddie, and her strength, and her fragility, are going to cause my children to have a better life. I will follow your story, and pray for you and Mike. Thank you.
Shannon
k says:
I know the feeling of wanting to feel better and trying to find that one “thing” that will make you feel better. I lost my husband at a young age six years ago. I remember initially how desperate I felt to just want to feel better, I wanted the pain to go away. For the first time in my life I had an understanding as to why people abuse drugs/alcohol to escape pain and what depression feels like. I knew that I would have to work through my pain/grief and face it head on. I can say that with six years having gone by, I am able to manage my pain, it’s not right in my face as it was for the first few years. I do still have times when all of a sudden grief will strike me, but I am able to deal with it better. I am enjoying life again and have learned how to incorporate my loss in to my life. I remember how raw and real my sadness was and I feel for you. I did not lose a child, but I know what it feels like to unexpectedly have someone you love very much die. It is horrible. A friend told me just to prepare myself that the first year would be miserable and I was. Parts of my mind are still in a fog around the first few years, I think it’s a way of dealing with the loss. I am praying for you everyday. Maddie was loved so much and that is evident in this blog. You will always be her mom.
L.A. Story says:
Am thinking about you and your family so much. I hope you know that you, Mike and Maddie are in so many prayers. You are so strong to be where you are right now.
L.A. Story’s last blog post..That’s one mother of a shout out
Black Hockey Jesus says:
Hi Heather. The only thing that has ever helped my most hurt places was a perpetual attempt to write beautiful things.
Black Hockey Jesus’s last blog post..Walls
Jo Anna says:
Oh, Heather. I haven’t been back to your site since Maddie’s passing. She died the night before my birthday. It flashed across my TweetDeck. It was an utterly inconceivable sight.
A few nights ago, I had a totally random dream about an acquaintance who had leukemia. I checked her Facebook today and found out she passed two weeks ago. On Facebook.
I was reminded immediately of Maddie, and I’ve been sitting here pouring over every single word and picture and video you and Mike have ever posted, just dumbstruck, and unable to click away.
Jo Anna’s last blog post..I THINK I CHEATED ON YOU
Petra says:
Dear Heather,
i can relate to your dislike of therapies. I was the same when my son was born dead. i thought: “why (and how) should a stranger help me grieve?” It took months of supressing the sadness until i had to admit myself: i’m drowning in grieve. I eventually found a shrink that has been the biggest help ever!
We cried together as we looked at the pictures of him, i can rant at how unfair the world is and i can let it all out. she is my anchor, that lets me sob when i need it and that nudges me when i get too depressed.
i’ve been in therapy for over a year and there’s still a long way to go. but besides all that: writing helps tremendously. so let it all out, share your sadness and anger with us. But if your feelings get too dark, please don’t hesitate to get some help. There’s so sense in you giving up – even though I know it’s tempting to follow the lost one…
I hope you and Mike stick together and stay as strong as possible. I really hope lovely Maddie is playing catch on a cloud with my cute dorian. Sometimes I feel like his soul is sitting on my shoulder, watching me type this and hoping that one day Mommy won’t be so sad anymore.
I’ll light a candle for both of them tonight. Sending you the best wishes…
Deb says:
I think your instincts about group therapy are right. xoxoxo
Marti from Michigan says:
You are so right, this blog is very therapeutic! It’s therapeutic for me as well, reading all the comments and getting tips. I took care of my mom and dad when they were old. I cleaned their home, cooked for them, loved them, even bathed them when they were feeble…….lovingly. I miss the nurturing so much that I now tend their graves. Grief counseling did help me, eventually.
Continued love and prayers coming your way from Michigan.
JRM says:
I did years of therpay for a bunch of stuff. Somedays were better than others. But I hope you have days soon where the light will come on and you’ll say “Ah hah, that is why I come’. It takes time unfortunately.
Cat says:
Do what is right for both of you, individually and together. Thinking of you daily.
Katy says:
I haven’t lost a child, but mistakes were made when I was pregnant and my child suffered irrepairable brain damage. I took myself off to therapy because I felt soooo bad, and the therapist told me, “that’s how you’re supposed to feel.” I think that was some pretty good stuff. There are times in life when we’re supposed to be sad. This is one of those times. I wish I had some great piece of advice or wisdom, but that’s all I got. . . it’s OK to be sad.
Katy’s last blog post..Winner Time!
rachel cortest says:
Heather,
Last week was three years since my 15yr old beautiful son died by suicide. My mom died last Wednesday and I cannot feel anything. After losing a child, nothing makes sense. I started going to TCF after going to a national conference and I heard Elizabeth Edwards speak. It had been more than a year. We all have our own timeline. We all hurt. Thank you for continuing to share Maddie with us. I like to imagine that my son is playing with her and making her laugh. He loved his five year old niece so much. He would ADORE Maddie. Hugs, Rachel
Bianca S says:
I’m 23 and had counselling three times between the ages of 13 and 20 (twice for general depression and once for shoplifting problems). Only the third round of counselling I think really nailed some of my problems; the other two times I felt much better once I STOPPED going. There are, I think, two or three reasons for this. One is that counselling/therapy simply isn’t for everyone. If it isn’t for you, it just means you’re dealing with it in other ways. Another reason is that getting the right counsellor/therapist is really important (the first two counsellors I saw really annoyed me, but I got on well with #3 and this helped enormously). The other reason is perhaps that time works pretty well on its own in terms of healing, helping, and general self-analysis. I will never fully “get over” some of the things that caused my depression; some of them still hurt to think about and I suffered from fits of crying and screaming for years after I left school. And yet I am better. Not that this equals forgetting. You just somehow adapt and learn to integrate past experiences with present and future ones. So if the therapy isn’t working for you, that’s OK; people often cope by themselves in better ways than they can imagine.
Bianca S’s last blog post..NeoStrata Bionic Face Cream
fidget says:
i cant say if it is too early or not but I know the first 6 months or so of therapy I felt worse when I left. It was forcing me to look at a lot of things I did not want to consciously think about and by the end of the session I felt so ragged and worn. But then one day, as we went over David’s suicide for the badillionth time, I felt a weight start to lift and I actually left feeling a teensy bit better then when I walked in. And it mostly continued every time after that until I was deemed sane enough / coping well enough to be released from weekly therapy.
Once it started making me leave a little better, that is when I really started to improve. I was able to get my OCD / anxiety issues reigned in. i stopped checking my locks 42 times a night and I felt like i had some semblance of a life again.
I hope it starts to help, I really do.
fidget’s last blog post..The one in which The Hubster observes the beauty of nature
April says:
i hope i don’t get shouted down here, because i totally respect your, and anyone’s decision to choose therapy. but, there have been studies that show it actually lengthens the greiving process for some people. especially those people who feel they already have an outlet for their grief and emotions. i think you should do what feels right for you… whether that means quitting therapy for the time being, for forever, or maybe even just finding a new counselor who doesn’t make you rehash the bad stuff.
best of luck with whatever you choose. xoxo
April’s last blog post..Flashback Friday!
amy says:
Keep on doing what makes you feel good or gives you hope. Am glad to hear blogging here helps you. Would seem so many are there for you through their comments of support and sharing of experiences. Just keep on doing what feels good.
If your therapist is not working for you find another.. (BTDT) You should feel somewhat BETTER after therapy I should think, not worse.
My parents did group counselling for a time after my brother died. They hated it and stopped after 3 sessions. Their pain was enough to bear without taking on the others’
Vanessa says:
You’ve got to find the right therapist. It makes all the difference, progress won’t be as slow. I think group first might actually work, although it doesn’t feel right. Everything feels upside down, it might work out that way.
Vanessa’s last blog post..Classical Baby
Haley-O says:
I’m a firm believer in therapy. when I had a terrible case of prenatal/pregnancy depression and anxiety, I was sent immediately to a therapist. It got worse before it got better. And that’s what typically happens. Keep going, and you’ll see it will get better. It will help you.
I don’t know anything about group therapy, but I think it might not be as bad as you’re expecting. You might find yourself doing more laughing than crying, for example — just might be good to be with people who are going through the same thing. But, this would be down the road, if at all.
Haley-O’s last blog post..My Squirrel Howard Stern, and Pictures Heavenly Pictures