I don’t write to you much anymore. I used to jot down stories and memories and things I wanted you to know, whenever the words floated into my head. Now, the time I used to use to scribble you notes is spent tending to your sister and brother. They take up a lot of time, those two.
I do, however, talk to you. A lot. All the time. In fact, Annabel no longer asks me what I’m doing when she catches me talking to you. Mostly, I tell you about your siblings. Sometimes I tell you how I’m feeling. On the days when I will let myself, I ask about you. I wonder how tall you’d be – would you still be a peanut, or would you have started to catch up to your peers? Would your hair have kept its curl or gone straight like your sister’s? What would you be interested in? Who would your best friend be? I keep hoping the wind will whisper an answer.
In the days and weeks leading up to your birthday, I can feel myself getting more tense. I try to stay busy so I don’t think about all the things I should be doing…buying you presents, inviting over family and friends, planning a party. I have a dark cloud around me that I just can’t shake. This will be the fifth birthday of yours that we’ve spent without you, so you’d think I’d be more prepared, but I’m not. I have to accept that I might not ever be.
You are your little sister’s favorite topic. She loves to talk about you, and draw you, and she “writes” you letters, which are mostly just scribbles since she can’t actually write or spell yet. Sometimes she tells me about the adventures the two of you have, and they’re so detailed that I almost believe they happened. She has a HUGE birthday celebration planned for you. Streamers, hats, costumes, and of course, cream puffs. I know she will have lots of questions for me…I hope I have the right answers.
I have been telling your baby brother lots of stories about you. He sat in his bouncer next to me as I packed up all of my maternity clothes to give away, and he heard about how excited I was to buy elastic-waisted pants six-and-a-half years ago. He is a very good listener and such a happy little boy. I watch how your sister is with him and I think about how you might have been, a six-year-old veteran big sister.
Your sister and I came across this picture last night before she went to bed, and she asked me why we were making this face:
Sticking out your tongue was your new trick, and I was imitating you. Your sister immediately imitated you, too, and we giggled. I can laugh now without feeling like I’m betraying you. When you died I didn’t think I’d ever laugh again, but these siblings of yours are pretty funny. I’m sure you’d be laughing, too.
I really can’t believe you would be six today, it sounds so very old. The days without you seem to stretch on forever in front of me, and sometimes it’s a lot to take. But my love for you grows stronger every day, and while the memories I have with you are not enough, they sustain me while I make new memories with your siblings that are just as precious. I’d give anything to have the three of you together in just one memory, but I know that can only happen in my wildest dreams.
Happy birthday, darling girl. I love you forever.
Love, Mommy
Tori says:
Happy birthday Maddie!
Happy birthday Mommy!
Be blessed today. Your daughter is awesome. You are awesome.
Sinead says:
Happy birthday Maddie. I’m so sorry that she is not here to celebrate her birthday with her family. It is very unfair that she didn’t get to live a long life and meet her siblings. Thinking of you all and sending you lots of love today. XX
Terra says:
Happy birthday, sweet Maddie. Lots of love and cream puffs
for you, baby girl.
Veronika says:
Thinking of you all today. Happy Birthday Maddie. Lots of love and hugs.
Clare says:
Happy Birthday to Miss Maddie. Sending love via the internet waves. x
Hayley says:
Happy birthday sweet Madeline.
Hugs to you Heather, Mike, Annie & James.
Xx
Kelly says:
Happy Birthday to your sweet Maddie Moo and to you and Mike who became such wonderful parents to your first-born beloved daughter on this day. Love to all of Maddie’s people.
Jenn says:
I woke up in the night & texted you & Mike. In my time it was already Maddie’s Birthday but you still had about 30 minutes before your new day was born. I felt such a strong need to reach out to you and let you know I remembered and that I always will remember not only the beautiful little girl I stumbled upon in a Blog but also her parents who I now call my friends. Tomorrow is my child’s b-day but today, today I will think of and celebrate your girl’s birthday and like so many other people – including yourselves….wish she was still here with you in person celebrating her special day like she deserves to. Happy Birthday Maddie. xoxo
Mijke says:
Happy Birthday, Maddie! And a very big hug for your mum, dad, brother and sister…
jay says:
Happy Birthday Maddie from me and Soph- yes your huge friend that rolled over on you at the playdate at the park – we love you!!
Katie says:
Happy birthday to you, sweet Maddie. You are so loved, now and forever.
Brandy says:
Happy birthday sweet Maddie!! Thinking about you and your whole family today.
Susan says:
Happy Birthday, Maddie.
Thinking about you guys today, as always.
RzDrms says:
I’m going to smile a wide, happy, loving smile to *everyone* I see today.
Happy Birthday, doll.
Michelle Hetland says:
thinking of you all today – Happy birthday to Maddie!
Ruth says:
Happy birthday to sweet girl.
Keeping you and your family in my thoughts.
suzanne says:
Happy Birthday precious Maddie!! I think today, I shall wear purple….and offer a big smile to everyone I see. As I make my way to work, I am going to stop at a local bakery and have a cream puff in your honer.
Maddie, you are always in our hearts and memories and you are a special little girl.
Hugs to mom and dad the whole family today!! You are missed.
LisaJ says:
Happy birthday to your sweet girl. Today, we wear purple. My heart breaks for you all, Heather, and my thoughts are with you and your family today, and often.
Elizabeth says:
Happy birthday Maddie! Much love to you and Mike.
Kristin says:
Thinking of you all today.
Christen says:
Happy Birthday, Maddie! Maddie is never forgotten.
amourningmom says:
Happy birthday Maddie (& to her parents)! I so wish you hade the memory of just a moment with all 3 of your children. Sending you extra hugs, hope and cream puffs on this very special day. xoxo
P.S. I am not positive but I think the black bittersweet birthday clouds may always be around us around the dates of the birthdays of our children who are not with us. The cloud was still there for me in August on Jake’s would be 8th birthday. And, Sawyer’s would be 4th birthday is this week and I definitely can not seem to hide from the black clouds. xoxo
Karen says:
Happy Birthday sweet Maddie! Thinking of you and your family today, and always.
J+1 says:
Happy birthday, Maddie. Much love to you and your family.
Patt says:
Happy Birthday, sweet Madeline. Hugs to you and Mike.
Barbara says:
Happy Birthday Maddie!
Maris says:
Happ birthday, maddie!
Mandy says:
I woke up thinking of Maddie today. A friend of mine lost her 15 month old 2 months ago today and I saw him and Maddie as soon as I opened my eyes this morning. Such beautiful angels. Happy Birthday to the Beautiful girl and to her momma, on the anniversary of the day she brought that sweet, precious child into the world. God Bless.
Jess says:
Happy Birthday Maddie!
Michelle H says:
Happy birthday sweet girl!
Lisa says:
Happy Birthday Miss Maddie!
Love and hugs to all of you, Heather. I still think of her often.
Susanmig says:
Thinking about you all on Maddie’s Sixth Birthday.
Jen says:
This is so beautiful. Happy birthday to your dear sweet Maddie, a girl the world will never forget.
Ella says:
Maddie! Happy happy birthday! Thinking of you and your mom & dad and all the people who love and miss you every single minute for all those years.
Kate says:
Happy Birthday to Maddie! Thinking of the amazing Spohr’s today. I think of Maddie often.
Lea says:
Happy Birthday, Maddie! Thinking of you guys today. Your post brought tears to my eyes.
Trisha says:
Happy Birthday Sweet Maddie!
Sending lots of love your way today Heather & Mike.
Amy says:
Happy birthday Maddie. Thank you for sharing your beautiful blog with the world, your stories bring comfort to many.
Lisa says:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MADDIE! Tears…. And happiness that she was here for the short time she was.
Cathryn says:
Happy Birthday Maddie!!!
Jill says:
Love to you all today. You’re doing the best you can with this crappy thing you can’t change.
Damita H says:
Happy birthday to your sweet Maddie! Thinking of you and your family today.
AngieM. says:
happy birthday precious girl.
and hugs to you and mike
xoxo
Cristy says:
Happy birthday to Madeline! I love that Annie planned her a party. They obviously have a very special relationship. Thinking of you all today.
Nellie says:
Sweet, precious girl – Happy 6th Birthday! Sending lots of virtual hugs and love to the Spohr family. Every day you inspire me, make me laugh, cry and fill my soul with peace and joy – thank you!
AmyG says:
Happy Birthday, Maddie!
Laurie says:
Love to you and your whole crew today.
Christina says:
Happy Birthday, Maddie.
Stephanie says:
Happy Birthday, sweet Maddie. And hugs to your wonderful family.
Momo says:
We will all remember her forever. Hugs to you. Thank you for sharing Maddie with us.
Debbie B. says:
Happy Birthday sweet Maddie! Thinking of you and your family today.
Melissa says:
Happy Birthday Maddie, thinking of you and your family.
Laura says:
Happy Birthday, Maddie! xoxo
Heather says:
Happy birthday, Maddie! And much love to all of you.
gorillabuns says:
Happy Birthday, Maddie! The girls and I talk about you all of the time. xoxo
Brooke says:
My prayers are with you and your family on this day.
Amanda says:
Happy birthday to one unforgettable little girl!
xo
Tina says:
Happy birthday beautiful girl.
Chantelle says:
Happy Birthday to Maddie! Much love to you, Mike, Annie & James.
Jessica says:
Happy Birthday, Maddie. Thinking about you today.
Michele says:
Wearing purple for Maddie today! Happy, happy birthday, sweet girl. Thinking of your family today.
Cayenne says:
Happy birthday Maddie Moo. Thinking of you all today.
Bianca says:
Wearing purple today x
Stephanie says:
Happy Birthday, Maddie! You aren’t forgotten.
Wore a purple dress today!
Pattie says:
Happy birthday, Maddie. I know you’re watching over your mommy and daddy, as well as your little sister and brother.
Thinking of and sending love to all of the Spohrs today.
Donna P says:
Happy Birthday, sweet Maddie. You are forever in our hearts.
Nanette says:
Happy birthday, Maddie Moo. xoxo
Alexandria says:
Happy Birthday Maddie!! You are so dearly missed. Your are though of ever day and because of you so many parents do not take their kids for granted and because of you I am a better parent. I always remember how your parents showered you with love and not toys and that has been my way of parenting since I found your mommas blog. Forever in our hearts, Maddie. Happy 6th birthday!!
Alyson Sprafkin says:
Happy birthday, Maddie, and strength to your amazing family.
Michelle says:
Dearest Heather and Mike, I cannot believe it has been that long. Sweet Maddie, my birthday buddy – Nov 11 will never be the same. Again, I am honored to share this special birthday with you and I thank you for making me a better mom and reminding me to not take a single day for granted. I was just headed out to pick up a cake for my boys (because it cant be a birthday without cake!). I think I am going to get a purple candles in honor of you. Happy Birthday sweet girl. You are not forgotten.
Meghan H says:
Happy Birthday, Maddie!!
Jerilynn says:
How fitting that Maddie shared her birthday with Veteran’s Day–a day where we honor those that do so much for others; those who leave an indelible imprint on our hearts through their legacy of courage, strength and bravery in the face of suffering. Your beautiful daughter was all such things and she is remembered in the hearts of so many today, on this her sixth birthday. Thinking of you always.
Jeanie says:
What a beautiful letter! Happy birthday, Maddie! We all love you.
Anna says:
My heart is heavy thinking about the sadness you will always feel, but I’m also lifted up by the many blessings you have now. You deserve every wonderful thing that happens to you!
Amelia says:
Sending so much love to you.
mary ann says:
You can see the joy in that little girls eyes in every picture. You made her life magical. Thinking of you and hoping you find peace in knowing that other’s care and even though we never met your sweet Maddie Moo will always have a special place in my heart. Sending Love and Hugs to you and your amazing family.
Steph says:
I caught my breath when I saw Maddie’s picture in the daily photo. What a beautiful child. Wishing you all much love and peace.
Bryttani says:
Happy Birthday Maddie Moo!
I have followed your blog for 2-3 years now and truly my hear breaks every Nov. 11th and April (9th?) that rolls around. She has a special place in my heart and always will. Thank you for sharing your story, as I resonate with Mike’s post about her having made him a better Dad. I squeeze my sweet 4 year old girl a little tighter and try to soak up the moments more passionately because of Maddie and I believe many others would agree with that, and I think that the silver lining for this is a beautiful think
Again, Happy Birthday sweet girl!
Mommy says:
Sending you love today and every day. She will forever be missed.
Auntie_M says:
Sending your family extra special love today as I join you in remembering your precious Madeline. What an amazing child she was/is.
XOXO~Mary
tami says:
Aww, This brought tears to my eyes!!Happy Birthday Maddie. It just seems like yesterday that I was watching your videos and seeing your big smile. Hugs,
Rachel says:
Six. Wow. There are a lot of people who never met your daughter, yet think of her often. I am one of those. Happy birthday, Maddie.
Skye says:
She should be six. I hope all the internet love lifts you up today. Happy Birthday, Maddie!!! Such a celebrated life, and never, ever forgotten. Love to your family.
kakali says:
Happy Birthday sweet Maddie! You are always in our hearts!
Amy W says:
Happy Birthday Maddie!
Norma says:
Happy Birthday sweet Maddie! Thanks to your wonderful family you will never be forgotten.
Amy G. says:
Happy birthday Maddie.
Lilian says:
Happy Birthday Maddie!
Amanda says:
Sending lots of love. Happy birthday sweet girl!
Paula says:
I love that picture! Happy Birthday (belated) to Maddie and Happy (belated) birthing day to you Mama!