To say this week is crappy would be an understatement. My yearning for Madeline and Rigby is almost overwhelming. I’d forgotten how exhausting grief is, how it sucks your energy and fogs your mind. My body has given in and I’m sick with a high fever. As weird as it sounds, I’m almost grateful for another reason to feel poorly…something I can attack with antibiotics and NyQuil and sleep.
I’m too tired to fully wrap my mind around the weight of today, seven years since Madeline died. It’s probably better that way. I keep thinking about Maddie and Rigby, and how they were best buddies when Maddie was alive.
I know that I will make it through this day, but without Rigby it’s going to be one of the hardest ones yet. I miss Maddie more than I can express. I can’t believe it’s been seven years since I last kissed my girl. I love her so much.
Jenny says:
Keeping all of you in my heart today.
samatwitch says:
I’m thinking of you all today and keeping you in my heart.
Sue says:
I’m sitting here with tears rolling down my face,,,,,,the loss of two great loves,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Tim Young says:
lots of love coming your way to you and your family.
Auntie_M says:
My heart is breaking for you all over again…and to not have your little comforter. Oh Heather!
You and your family are held close in my heart at all times, but closer still today and throughout the month of April.
Sending you love and wishing you grace during this period of renewed grief. (I know the grief is always there, but it is brought more to the forefront on dates and times such as these.)
XOXO
Jen T says:
Thinking of you all today. I still think of Maddie when the purple crocuses bloom here in New England, which they did last week. Warm wishes and hugs.
meg says:
No words…just love
Brooke says:
Thinking of you and sending much love to your family, especially Maddie and Rigby. I hope those buddies are together again.
Debbie A-H says:
So much love being sent your way this week.
Becca says:
Thank you for sharing these pictures, your story and your family. We all remember, love and grieve Madeline along with you. This was my first thought when I heard the news about Rigby. Why did this have to happen.. and certainly, why did this have to happen now? It’s so unfair. I hope you are able to rest and get through today. I’ll be thinking of you.
(as an aside, I’m a foster parent and was recently placed with a 3 month old baby. I’d not cared for a baby that young before so I was going back in your posts about Annie for tips and general developmental markers that I should be aware of. That one photo you just posted of Maddie with the baseballs – she looks so much like baby Annie, there! Sisters forever. <3)
Kelly says:
Thinking of you today. Sending peace, love, and a big hug from TX
Alyson Sorafkin says:
Thinking of you and your beautiful family today. Wishing you continued strength.
lauren says:
I love every single picture. one is cuter than the next. sending you a big hug today and thinking of your beautiful madeline.
Nellie says:
Those pictures speak volumes.
My heart aches for you and your family. May you be surrounded by sweet love and tender comfort on this very hard day and in all the days where words fail, when your mind and body cannot seem to lift up from the pillow. Know that we are all here for you and your beautiful, most beloved family.
Jessica says:
Thinking of you as you mourn both of these losses. It’s a lot of grief for one family to bear! There is James and Annie and there will probably be other sweet puppies, but no one can ever replace Maddie or Rigby. I hope you get some rest and start to feel better with each new day.
Leslie says:
Oh my poor dear. My heart aches for you. Your sweet baby girl and furry comforter. Too much to take in one week, honestly in a lifetime. I know you will make it through this week, as hard as it is, and know that we are all thinking of you and Mike and Annie and Maddie and Rigby and James (though he does not really understand any of it yet) and pulling for you and wishing there was something we could do to ease your pain. Hugs through the interwebs.
Jannette says:
Thinking of you and the Spohr family.
Michele says:
Those pictures are beautiful. Sending big hugs your way from DC. I will find some purple today on this gray day and think of your precious Maddie.
JDS says:
Thinking of your family today and picturing Rigby and Maddie together somewhere, some how.
Jenn says:
Oh these pictures, all so great! I was thinking of Maddie on my way in to work this morning – know that she has touched more lives than you can ever imagine!
Amy says:
Sending so many hugs for your family today. Thank you for sharing these beautiful photos with us.
Laurie says:
What sweet best buddies.
Katie says:
Sending you all kinds of love today. I don’t know what comes after this life, but I hope that Maddie and Rigby are together again. xo
robin oswold says:
We’re sending lots of love and prayers to all of you today.
Love, Momma Robs
Kelly says:
So much love to all of you. I love seeing pictures of your Maddie and Rigby together. Precious beyond words.
Pattie says:
I’m crying right along with you, and as small a comfort as it is, I like the idea of Rigby being together with Maddie again. Sending you love and strength today.
Kathy says:
I am crying along with you! Last year, on April 11th, we had to put our cat of seventeen years to sleep in the morning. That evening, the police came to my door letting me know that my Dad had died in an accident. I’ve been following your website for years and I cried at my desk when I read about Rigby. It makes missing Maddie even worse since you have this new, fresh loss. Know that thousands of ‘strangers’ are pulling for you and grieving with you, especially today.
Sarah says:
No one should have to go through a day like this. You are amazing. Sending love to you and your family today.
JustAMom says:
I’m so sorry for all of it Heather. Your losses, your pain, your fever……. I wish I knew you so I could at least bring you more NyQuil and give you a hug. I can’t imagine how awful today is for you
Nadinsche says:
I can’t put into words how sorry I am! Hugs and hugs and hugs to you. These two look so sweet together.
Alyssa says:
Sending all of you so much love, many hugs and some healing prayers & strength for your body, soul and heart.
Steph says:
Precious girls. I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that while they were in your care you loved them with all your heart.
melissa says:
So much love to you and your family. Maddie’s memory and beautiful smile live on in all of you
kristin says:
So much love to you guys today and every day. I still remember Maddie and what a fighter she was.
Jewlee says:
Prayers and love for you and your family especially today Heather
LD's Mom says:
I don’t think there is anything we can say to lessen the pain. But never forget that we do all love your sweet family very much, and we are so blessed by the Maddie and Rigby lights that still shine so bright.
Margie says:
Rigby was such a great older sister. Fuck grief. My grief will end when I die. Thinking of you today.
Glenda says:
Best buds! Hugs to all. Thinking of Maddie & Rigby.
Marjorie Steele says:
heartbroken. That’s all I can say. Sending you all hugs and love on this sad,sad day. xoxo
Sonya says:
Sending so much love and hugs to you and Mike today…Annie and James too.
Lindsay says:
Love.
Lena says:
I can’t even imagine how painful today is for you. I wish there was something I could do that would actually help but know that you are all on my mind and in my heart today.
Laura says:
I’m thinking of you and your beautiful daughter today. I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through.
Cindy says:
Thinking of you and your amazing family today.
Amy says:
I’m so sorry. Take care.
Amanda says:
I wish there were more to be done than say we are here and it is incomprehensible that they aren’t. Remembering their/they’re magic. Sending love xo
Toni says:
Hugs from Oregon. I LOVE those pictures of the 2 of them. And the one of the 3 of you sleeping is priceless. Madeline’s eyes are just beautiful.
Lenora says:
You and the whole family are in my thoughts.
Karen says:
Not sure what to say, but want you to know that you are in my thoughts today. I read your blog daily and love the pictures of Maddie and Rigby. Sending you love, peace, and support on this difficult day.
Katherine says:
Thank you for sharing your beautiful memories with us, Heather. I’m so so sorry Maddie isn’t in your arms today, and Rigby isn’t there to help comfort you. Sending you so so very much love…
Christy says:
I miss Maddie so much. Sending my love your way today and always. I love seeing those photos. Xoxoxo
Christine Koh says:
All the love to you and your family, today and always. xoxoxo
Katrien says:
What beautiful pictures!
Thinking of you and your lovely family in these (extra) hard days.
Sending love ..
PattyB says:
Hugs and thoughts with you all today. A statement you made early in this post has me very uplifted, though – you said you had forgotten how exhausting grief is. I am so glad that this is true for you. My Brittni’s 26th anniversary was April 2nd (she was 6 months old when she passed from SIDS), and my husband and I were out of town for a romantic getaway without our other children. We went to a car show and came across a stellar 1960-something Shelby in the most beautiful shade of baby blue. When I looked at the placard and saw the color of the car was actually Brittany Blue, I smiled and teared up at the same time. It’s in these moments when our angels reach out to let us know they are still with us that makes grief bearable.
Debbie B. says:
Thinking of you and sending love and hugs.
Sue says:
Thinking of you and your family today. My heart hurts just thinking about your grief. I have followed you from the beginning and can’t believe it has been 7 years. I actually dreamt last night I ran into your family in a restaurant and I introduced you to my son and told him all about Maddie. Forget the fact that we live in Wisconsin. My two adult son’s were both mirco preemies. My second son has some issues and was very fragile(tracheotomy until he was 5 years old)until he was older. Unfortunately he is now fighting stage IV colon cancer. I still think to myself I have already had him 20 years longer than you had Maddie. I pray I can say that next year. I am so sorry bad things happen to such good people.
Abbie Gale says:
I’m sorry. Sending love, good thoughts and prayers.
Colleen says:
Thinking of you all today.
Mijke says:
Thinking of all of you today ??
alexandra says:
My gosh, heartache. And your words, your pictures of Maddie, oh the sting of tears to my eyes. All my love to you.
a says:
It’s always so incredibly hard to write on your blog on days like today. For many different reasons. On one hand most persons can empathize with your loss of a loved one, but on the other hand most persons will never fully understand the unbearable heart break you feel on the daily, but especially on this day. And with this being said, there are never enough words to adequately express human emotions in such undeserving and unfair circumstances any way, therefore many are left to try to empathize with an event completely unimaginable, and with an all consuming grief even far more unimaginable. And even those who have experienced similar circumstances find difficult trying to bring the right words out to express their true understanding. Especially on days like today. Some days, like today, I find less words are more. What you need [some of us truly know what you need] is, I can’t even bring myself to say, but the unfair’ity of this situation means no one can say or do anything to bring you what you feel you need the most right now. We can all wish to give you what you need, but we can only give you more heart right now. And I hope ‘heart’ is what more will give you. So much love to you my dear.
anna whiston-donaldson says:
I am so sorry.
Michelle Pixie says:
My heart hurts, keeping you all in my thoughts and sending love.
Christine says:
I will never forget when my sister in law Michelle told me about your loss of Maddie and the beautiful blog you had. I starts following you then and have watched you persevere through the pain and grow your family despite your loss. Back then I had had my first daughter too and I couldn’t fathom what it felt like to lose a child. I still can’t. And I can’t believe it’s been 7 years already. I didn’t know you lost Rigby as well. I’m truly sorry. You know you e lost a lot of loved ones. It sucks! And today instead of saying something uplifting, I’m going to give you a pass on this rainy soy herb California day and say it’s okay to feel like shit! Lay on your couch, eat some soup and watch a good romantic comedy! God bless you, Heather! And give this beautiful kiddos a big hug and kiss and tell them how much Maddie would’ve adore them!
AuntieMip says:
There really just aren’t adequate words. So my friend I just want to say her name. Because if I have learned anything from years and years of working with parents like you and Mike, who have lost so much, it is this. Her name is significant. You thought on it for months, maybe years. You dreamed of who the girl who went with that special name would be. It is lyrical, poetry, meaningful. And you need to read it. Hear it spoken. Know she is remembered. Madeline Alice Spohr, with the beautiful smile and the bright, blue eyes, you are remembered today and always.
Lucretia says:
It seems like just a couple of years since Twitter went purple for Maddie. I am so sorry they are both not there by your side today. Love to you and the family.
Kelly says:
I’m so sorry that this is such a hard day. I love the pictures and I hope they give you some peace. Big Hugs to you all.
Jerilynn says:
You have friends in MA who wear purple today to honor your beautiful girl. I hope you are able to do whatever you need to do to care for yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually this day/week/month. While nothing I can ever say can make this better, do know that Maddie has touched the lives of millions of people through you and the work you have done for March of Dimes and your foundation. She is never and will never be forgotten and this small little cherub continues to leave a big footprint of the hearts and minds of this world. I think of you both all the time, and I am sure the others who have posted will second this statement. Sending love to your whole family today.
Lila says:
I know how you feel!
I lost my 15 year old maltese, Shadi, to cancer too a year ago on the 24th of April!
She was my everything and my constant shadow.
I also lost my two year old niece who was like my own daughter..it will be 8 years on the 25th of April!
Our lives have been very parallel in the horrible tragedies we have experienced…. I truly feel for both your losses!
I’m already feeling the heavy weight of grief’s burden on my broken heart….I hate the month of April with an unrelenting passion!
Sending you hugs and prayers!
Lila says:
My niece’s name is Natalia….I love and miss her beyond words!
Laura says:
I’ve been thinking of you and your family every day for the past few weeks. Maddie is remembered. Hugs to you.
Peggy Howard says:
I wish you strength to make it thru this. I am praying for you today …xoxo
Leticia Barr says:
Thinking of you and sending so much love to you and your sweet family today. XOXOXO
Jackie says:
Thinking of you and remembering Maddie and Rigby today. Xo.
Libby says:
Thinking of you all today and remembering Maddie and Rigby. Wish I could carry even a tiny piece of your burden. Take care.
Elaine A. says:
I’m so, so sorry. Love to you.
Amu says:
Sending you love.
Anne D. says:
Maddie was remembered today and always. I’m so sorry. Thinking of you and your family.
Christina says:
Feeling very overwhelmed right now. Overwhelmed with how much sadness can exist be in the world. I’m having a terrible struggle with depression and anxiety during my current pregnancy and it’s affecting my relationship with my husband, and worst of all, my relationship with my 2-year old. I get so upset with him and lose my patience… and then I think of loss like this. I’m overwhelmed that you’ve experienced it. I’m overwhelmed at the thought of experiencing it myself. I’m overwhelmed with guilt and sadness and horror at the thought I can’t show my child enough love right now. Overwhelmed at the thought that my emotions right now are just a fraction of what you’re feeling. I admire you for all you are able to share and the way you put it so eloquently into words. You help people and that’s a wonderful thing. Thank you, from all of us.
Katrina says:
Oh Heather…
Each year as April 7th has come and gone, I thought of you and my heart ached for your loss, but of course I didn’t fully “get it” because I was not a mother who had lost a baby. But this year…this year I have joined that awful club…and now I understand your grief on a different level than before. You had much longer with Maddie than I had with Aaron, so your grief is different. But still. I think I “get it” differently this year…this April 7th…I just hurt a little differently for you. Because I now know that feeling of loss. I know the absolute. I know the absence. I feel it. I now live it every day. And I can’t help but to think…how do you do this for seven years? I have a hard time getting through my days…so how in the world do you do this for seven years…and longer? forever? How? It hurts. And it’s so unfair. And this year you don’t have your sweet Rigby. Gosh but how I loved that sweet dog of yours. She was just such a wonderful member of your family and I miss her. I miss her for you. Yeah…I guess I’m all over the place with this comment. Just know that I’m thinking of you today. I’ve joined the club this year. I didn’t ever want to join this club but yet here I am.
Heather says:
I remember when I was new in loss, the thought of making it through a DAY seemed overwhelming, let alone a year or several years. Just take it moment to moment. Don’t think too far ahead or you’ll just crumble. I hate that you know this know! So much love to you. xoxo
Eunice Johnson says:
My thoughts are with you all. I am so sorry that you have had to go through this.
Jeanie says:
Oh, Heather, what an awful day for you. You have my prayers. And a big hug.
Marty says:
Heather you are in my thoughts and prayers this day and everyday!! Sending lots of hugs your way today and everyday!! This year especially without your Rigby to hold and tell your inner most thoughts must be even more painful!!
amourningmom says:
Sending hope, hugs, love and light. I do hope that you are fever free but I have to agree with you on harder days (anniversaries/birthdays) I often root for rain or not feeling physically well. Thinking of you, Mike, Maddie and Rigby extra this month. xo
Gretchen says:
I know this probably isn’t the right place for this, but I don’t have anywhere else.
25 years ago today I lost my son in a car accident. 25 years, you would think I would be okay. But I’m not. It’s like its brand new. And it’s made worse by the fact that I lost my husband in August. He was the only person that missed Matthew as much as me.
I’m a bit of a mess today.
Right after Matt died I was in a sport group, there was an older women you had lost her child 60 years before. When asked if it ever got better she said “the first fifty years were real hard” I made it halfway.