Sometimes it all is just too much to bear.
Mike went back to work on Thursday. It was hard for him to get out of bed. It was hard for him to drive to work. And then it took him two hours to get out of the car and walk into the building.
He came home early. It was too much.
Sometimes we rush things, thinking that a return to “normal life” is what we need. And sometimes it is. But other times it is the worst thing.
Mike broke on Thursday. There is nothing wrong with breaking. In a situation like this, I’d imagine it’s expected.
But still. No one wants to crash. No one wants to watch their spouse shatter.
Thursday was the second-worst day of my life. We have so much pain, and we can’t fix each other.
But I am trying. I have slowly been picking up the pieces of my husband, carefully helping to put him back together. Hoping that the new version of him resembles the old one. Knowing that neither of us will be the same again.
Please don’t stop sending your cards, your tweets, your emails and texts and good thoughts and prayers. We get them all, even if we can’t respond. They are part of the glue that we are using to rebuild our life.
AMomTwoBoys says:
Loving you, Mike and Maddie with all of my being.
I’m here for you always.
xoxo
AMomTwoBoys’s last blog post..By Popular Demand
lisa wood says:
Gosh Mike I wish i could just hug you for one minute..and Heather how strong you are. As a mum I can not imagine your pain….please know that I am thinking of you both and wish with all my heart that Maddie was still there with you. Looking at her photos….they make me smile, they make me cry, and I wonder why?
She was amazing and I know that she is smiling from afar. Please stay strong for each other…remember her love, your love and know that she will never ever be forgotten.
From afar…thinking of you both with love, hugs and kisses. Maddie your are just beautiful xxxxx
Lisa
rachel-asouthernfairytale says:
Loving you both so much.
WISHING I coudl have hugged you that saturday, and wishing I could hug you today and every other day.
But, I’ll just keep spouting random messages and you’ll know, that as always, my heart and thoughts are with y’all.
rachel-asouthernfairytale’s last blog post..Penne Vodka with Chicken
Sheila says:
Sending the two of you so much love. ((HUGS))
perksofbeingme says:
I love you and Mike so very much. You know the texts will continue as long as you’d like them too (and then they’ll probably continue anyways). I need to be better at sending more texts. I love you so very very much and I’m always here.
perksofbeingme’s last blog post..Wild flower fairy
mandy says:
Wishing I could send you whatever you need…
mandy’s last blog post..I Left My Heart in San Francisco
Redneck Mommy says:
Neither one of you will ever be the same.
But the trick is can you change together and love each other as you morph into the people you now must be.
You know I’m here for Mike and you.
You know how much I love you both.
Sigh. I wish I had more to give.
emese says:
Heather, Mike and Maddie – you are in my thoughts ALWAYS!
Amy I. says:
Just a random note from a stranger to say that I’m thinking of you and Mike and sending you love and strength
Amy I.’s last blog post..Double Chocolate Tapioca Puddin’
Dawn says:
My whole self just sagged in relief to hear your voice. I know it’s somewhere beyond awful. If you have any idea of anything else we can do to help you tell us. Otherwise, we’ll just keep on keepin on in the random fashion we have been and hope that it helps at all.
Dawn’s last blog post..Crackertastica
Suebob says:
Big hugs and deep breaths.
Amy says:
I’m so, so, so sorry for your pain. I cannot imagine the difficulty. Take good care of yourselves and one another—it’s OK to break, to not be able to work yet, to just need some time. Remember that your love is the thing that holds you two together, and holds Maddie’s memory. You guys are amazing.
Amy’s last blog post..26 Things I Love About Andrew
Trish says:
The new version will definitely resemble the old; take whatever solace you can from that. I know neither of you will ever be the same; a part of you is missing, and you can’t be quite the same with a missing piece. But you won’t be totally different either.
If you need time, take it. Heaven knows you’ve earned it.
Trish’s last blog post..Shopping FAIL! Bedtime WIN!
sherry says:
There’s nothing that I can say that can really help, but I wish I could send you both all the love and strength that you both need.
Gena says:
You guys hang in there. I cannot begin to imagine what it’s like to be in either of your shoes, but I do know grief and I know, in time, it will get better. You are so fortunate to have each other. Hold each other near and celebrate your time with Maddie. Though hurting and sad, you will be reunited, but she does not want you to hurt any longer. She isn’t. Her broken body is healed. She is watching over you both and guiding you. It’s okay to be sad and to miss her, but you cannot let it encompass your life. Maddie wouldn’t want that. Take baby steps, one day at a time.
Gena’s last blog post..
robyn says:
We miscarried twins several years back. Everyone checked on me and asked how I was doing. One night my husband stopped in a 45mph zone, right in the middle of the street with cars zooming by, put the car in park – with me freaking out what was going on – and just put his head down on the steering wheel and cried for what seemed to be an eternity. No one had asked how he was. My heart broke for him then very much the same as it does for both of you now, and I in NO WAY can even fathom what you have been and continue to go through and always will. Just please know that from every corner of the internet, we’re all putting our cars in park from time to time and putting our head down on the wheel to cry for you. Both.
Patty says:
I follow you both on twitter and both of your blogs. I have never met you, tweeted you both a couple of times and have replied to a few of each of your posts. I want you to know that I think of your family constantly, I pray for you both. Keep hanging on tight, I know you guys will get through this terrible pain together. Crying for you right now…
Patty’s last blog post..It has begun!
tonya says:
I have begun this comment about five times now, and I just don’t have the right words. I don’t think there are any. But know that you and your husband remain in my thoughts and prayers.
Nadia says:
Heather and Mike,
Your story has touched me and my family in ways that I can’t explain. Even though I don’t know you personally, my heart is breaking for you and your family. Not a day goes by that I don’t pray for you both. I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am….
Your daughter was an incredible little girl who has touched thousands of people’s hearts all around the world.
My husband and myself send our sincerest sympathies to you both. Hugs to you and prayers of healing.
Nadia’s last blog post..The dress
Bec says:
Everytime I come to your blog I have no idea what to say. The only thing I can think, hope really, is that ever comment I leave shows you that I care.
I’ve been worried about you this past week, you’ve never been far from my mind. I knew you must be having a hard week and that you needed time. It’s hard to be so far away and not be able to help you even a little.
Bec’s last blog post..Wee Mermaid
Claire says:
Every time I read your words, my heart goes out to you, aching for you and your family. I can’t even fathom what you’re feeling, the drowning-in-sorrow, loss of control, and on and on. I wish life didn’t have to be so damn painful sometimes.
I know there aren’t words to ease your pain, so I won’t try to find any. We are here. We are reading. We are remembering with you, and hoping that with each day, you’ll find the strength to make it through just one more day…hour…minute.
Alison says:
Always thinking of you both and always carrying Maddie’s light with me. We all are.
xoxoxoxo
Alison’s last blog post..Twin Language
Darla Wentz says:
Heather and Mike –
I find myself checking your blogs everyday to see how you are doing and it just breaks my heart everytime. I wish I could make everything better for you and take away all your pain. Your blog has really made me take a look at my life and make changes and I am certain I am not the only one. Thank you so very much for sharing your lives with us and know that you have many people thinking of you at all times. Sending love and prayers your way always.
Darla
Darla Wentz’s last blog post..Bathroom Fun?
Bridget says:
XOXO for you both.
Adriane says:
My brother would’ve been 36 years old today. It was a very tough day for me. He passed away suddenly, less than a year ago. I feel so much more pain for my parents, though, in their having lost a child. I came across this and thought of you. Of course, I don’t know you… I just read your blog and cry along with you. I’m so sorry for your loss.
A Bereaved Parent’s Wish List
I wish my child hadn’t died. I wish I had my child back.
I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak my child’s name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that my child was important to you also.
If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. My child’s death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child; my favorite topic of the day.
I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child’s death pains you too. I wish you would let me know these things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.
I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over. The months/years are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.
I am working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child and I will always grieve that my child is gone.
I wish you wouldn’t expect me “not to think about it” or “be happy”. Neither will happen for a very long time, so don’t frustrate yourself.
I don’t want to have a “pity party”, but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I’m feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
When I say, “I’m doing okay”, I wish you could understand that I don’t “feel” okay and that I struggle daily.
I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
Your advice to “take it one day at a time” is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I’m doing good to handle an hour at a time.
Please excuse me if I seem rude, it’s certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.
I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died too. I am not the same person I was before my child died and I will never be that person ever again.
I wish my child hadn’t died. I wish I had my child back.
-Anonymous
BeautifulWreck says:
I continue to pray for your and your husband. You are in my thoughts. I know in time you will get through this, together.
BeautifulWreck’s last blog post..Swimming Lesson FAIL
crystal says:
Heather & Mike, this post shook me to the core. I don’t know either of you but I do know pain and loss. I’ve never wanted so much to relieve the hurt of total strangers. It’s impossible to make sense of it, but to be certain, Maddie’s life was not in vain and your angel lives in your heart, through your stories, in memories and through photographs of her infectious smile and amazing eyes. Thank you for sharing Maddie’s life with the rest of us; I think it impossible for any of us to not be moved into action. My prayers and thoughts are with you both. Take it day by day. – Crys
crystal’s last blog post..cwebbie: Having a solo house party to Queen Latifah’s "Come Into My House". Mentally back in New Jersey tonight!
Mrs. Flinger says:
I wear my Maddie bracelet often and my children know Maddie’s face when it’s on my computer. We talk about her and you and Mike. My children don’t understand, but they know you don’t get to see Maddie every day and they’re sorry for that.
We are here. We don’t forget. We love you and we will not let you do this alone. I have duct tape. I’m not afraid to bring it with me to LA.
Mrs. Flinger’s last blog post..Life in other media
Elaina says:
Thinking of and praying for you and Mike. My heart aches for you both.
Elaina’s last blog post..Everyday Heroes
Jodee says:
I am praying for you and Mike.. And ((hugs)))and love!!
Jodee’s last blog post..Finishing my “Leaf” Bracelet pt. 1
Amy says:
My thoughts continue to remain with you and Mike. Although I don’t “know” you, I think of you and Maddie each and every day.
My heart aches for you and Mike. Continue to lean on each other, continue to lean on us. We will be here for you for as long as you continue to share with us. We will cry along with you and we will always be here to celebrate Maddie and all the joy that she brought to the world.
hilary says:
There are no words, I wish I had the right ones. There are SO many wishing you strength, courage and hope. We will continue.
Carrie says:
Please know that your family is in the thoughts and prayers of mine. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Maddie was beautiful, special, amazing and yours as she will forever be.
Undomestic Diva says:
You know I love you guys. Anything and everything I can do for you, it’s yours. You know how to reach me. XOXO
Undomestic Diva’s last blog post..It starts with a "P" and ends with an "S"
badassdad05 says:
Like so many others, I wish there were more I could do. More to say. Something that would matter. Make a difference. We’re here for you. And you’re there for each other. But sometimes we’re reminded that in some ways we are in this alone. We each have to find our own way through. You’ll find yours. Mike will find his. You’ll help each other. I hope we can help some, too. Keep writing, please.
badassdad05’s last blog post..kid’s eye view
Rick @ Tiny Prints says:
So many thoughtful posts, some with far more experience in the matter than I care to have. Not sure what to add other than as a parent I can only imagine the anguish and acknowledge that I have been deeply moved.
Rick @ Tiny Prints’s last blog post..Coffee Art
Allyson/HBMomof2 says:
Watching you both go through this is heartbreaking. I cry all over again with every post, but I appreciate that you let us in too.
You both are hurting and should be, but please know that there are so many people, me included, who are praying for you all of the time, who think of Maddie often, and who want you to continue to get out of bed everyday and walk through the day. You are doing what you can with every day and that is all you are supposed to do. Love each other, hug each other, sit with each other.
Lastly, (The levity portion of my reply) remember that “normal” is overrated and work sucks, so avoid both as long as possible. :-] As the almighty, Jerry Springer, says, “Take care of yourself and each other.” Good thoughts and peace being sent your way.
allyson
Sandi says:
Sending nothing but love and support to you and Mike.
Red Lotus Mama says:
My thoughts and prayers are with both of you during this incredibly difficult time in your lives.
Treva says:
I am so sorry for you both.
I check on your blog every day since I started reading it.
I say prayers for you every day and night.
Keep writing. Keep feeling. It will get you to an easier place eventually.
Jessica (@It's my life...) says:
Going back to work after losing a child has to be brutal.
I have a close friend who lost her 14day old son to SIDS, she had taken a 2 year leave of absence, but she never went back to that job, she found another one where she wasn’t the mom who had lost her baby.
I’m keeping you and Mike in my hearts.
Jessica (@It’s my life…)’s last blog post..Friday Flasback – The eve of a major life change
amanda says:
Sending you both positive, loving thoughts during these hard days. I know I’ve said it before, but I am still so sorry.
amanda’s last blog post..Zoloft is my BFF
Heather says:
I think about you, Mike and Maddie every day and wish you peace. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, but I think you are both amazing.
@heartmychloe says:
I would pretty much do anything to take away even a small fragment of your pain. I truly would. My heart breaks for you each and every day, and I hold my little girl a little tighter just because of you. I appreciate what I have EVEN MORE now. Thank you for that.
All my love to you and your family
-Sara
@heartmychloe’s last blog post..oh crap
Nanette says:
You, Mike and Maddie are in my thoughts. We send our continued support and love your way.
XOXO
Nanette’s last blog post..Yamtastic!
Amy says:
I started following you right before Maddie’s death and I cannot… Cannot. Imagine your grief. Sometimes I try to. I look at my boys and imagine what it would feel like to lose them. And I stop myself. Even when I just use my imagination, it rips my heart and stops my breath. So I hug them tighter and say a prayer for you two. That somehow you will find moments of peace. That your heart will mend even in small places and you can breathe again even if through shallow breaths.
Amy’s last blog post..Thou art thy mother’s glass…
VDog says:
If you say, ‘jump!’ I’ll say, ‘how high?’
Seriously, whatever you need…please let me know.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Cheyenne says:
I only know you from reading your blog and following you both on twitter, but I cry when I think of what you’re going through, I can’t even begin to imagine your pain. I pray for you, your husband and your little angel. Keep strong.
Kim says:
Mike and Heather, I can’t imagine. I know losing a sweet baby like Maddie is nothing like losing your soul mate, but it’s gotta be right up there…..hang in there…..I hope Gregory and our stillborn daughter Cassie are having fun in Heaven with Maddie ruling and rocking the playground !!! **hugs and hearts!!**
Brenna says:
Sending you both lots of love and positive thoughts.
Liliana says:
Hi Heather!
I feel like I have nothing special to say. I just want you to know that I keep checking your blog every night just to see how you’re doing. I’m sorry to hear that things don’t get easier, and of course it’s too soon!!! It’s a very slow process it takes so many years. For now I just wanted to send a little note since you mentioned it helps.
Hugs
Liliana
Funsize says:
Even 9 months after my world crashed into pieces, I still fall apart. Sending you lots of love, to both you and Mike.
((hugs))
Funsize’s last blog post..I’m So In Trouble, But It’s So Worth It
Allison says:
Can’t say much…never know what to. Just know that there is a whole big part of the world thinking about you…
Allison’s last blog post..Broke Down…
Maura says:
Sending you both love and hugs. Knowing you two and Maddie for so short a time has changed my life. I think about you every day, even if you don’t see me online all the time. Like so many of the people above who are sending you love, if you need something I can give, you need only ask.
Molly says:
keep on crying and writing and holding each other and feeling the unbearable pain and being there for each other – you are both doing the best you can do, and Maddie would be very proud of your strength – the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. when i read your blog posts i frequently think of this (which we all know and sing in our head as we read along) – i get new meaning from it each time i read it.
For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Tara says:
Thank you for bringing Maddie into this world, loving her with every ounce of your being and sharing your story. Godspeed.
Tara’s last blog post..Dominic and I slept like babies last night.
Tara says:
Thank you for bringing Maddie into this world, loving her with every ounce of your being and sharing your story. Godspeed.
Laura says:
I’m so sorry. Just take in one breath at a time, and know there are many people thinking of you.
Laura’s last blog post..Review: Sag Harbor by Colson Whitehead
Carrie says:
I have missed you! so glad to hear from you….praying for you and Mike… so sorry to hear about the horrible work day. I have no words, I just feel helpless….HUGS (())
Allie says:
There are more people than you can possibly imagine sending you love, reading this entry , tears in their eyes not knowing what to say. You are living through every parent’s nightmare and we are all watching helpless. I have had you both in my prayers constantly and I wouldn’t be able to pick you out of a crowd. You are loved.
Noelle says:
It’s unimaginably difficult to watch your spouse fall apart, to stand by and feel helpless, especially in the midst of your own grief. The first time I ever saw my husband fall to pieces was when his best friend was killed in Iraq, followed only months later by the passing of his father, and then his beautiful mom a couple of years after that. There was nothing I could do. That’s the sad truth of it. As cliche as it is, it is only the passing of time that numbs us and begins to heal us. I don’t think anyone ever fully recovers from these losses, they are just so devastating, and you and Mike have experienced the deepest wound of all. I think of you two every day, continually sending love and prayers for tiny moments of peace.
Gayathri says:
Heather,
I started following your blog when you lost your beautiful child. You and your husband and your precious baby are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you lots of healing energy all the way from india
Madonna Cramer says:
Thank you for sharing Maddie with the rest of us. Her life has now become a part of mine, thank you for that.
When I was experiencing my worst grief, I would try to make it one hour at a time, then the hours would build to the evening and then slowly to the next day. The grief would be there but the time elapsed and moving would be like a current pulling me along until I could make it through larger periods of time, without wondering how I was going to continue.
Sometimes having a special time when it would be dedicated to remembering or sharing memories helped, like every Sunday going to a shared place or everyday writing my thoughts about my grief/great memories like you blog about your feelings and thoughts of Maddie, helped me look forward something.
Remember you are not alone, you will not be swallowed by the grief, you will be changed but you will also gain gifts of empathy, triumph over adversity, a better understanding of your place on this Earth, and a stronger relationship with those around you. Maddie is an absolute example that life can be so beautiful and amazing, despite one’s challenges. She can be your example for persevering in the face something that some would find insurmountable.
You are in my thoughts and many others..Maddie’s life is blessing so many, thank you.
stranger monica says:
it is not right.. it is all wrong.
i can only say i am sending my love and thoughts your way.
i am so sorry
Angela says:
You don’t know me and I’ve never commented before, but I just wanted to make sure you know how many people are thinking of you… including me.
There are no words… but please know that we are all here for you and Mike both.
Angela’s last blog post..Day 26
Kelly says:
Please don’t think that anyone forgets about Mike and what he is going through… His pain is (of course) every bit as real, and my heart goes out to ALL of your family…
There is nothing wrong with needing to take things slowly. The only wrong is that Maddie had to go… You both amaze me that you can function at all…
Sending you lots of love and hugs.
Kelly’s last blog post..Sleepy
Ohmygoshi says:
love and prayers from dc
Ohmygoshi’s last blog post..The World Spins Madly On…
Annalien says:
I have no words to make you pain any easier. I am so sorry! I will continue to pray for you both.
Lindsay says:
I am so sorry. Sending prayers your way.
Rikki says:
I’m praying for you every single day.
kat says:
big hugs. big prayers. big hope to send you small smiles to get you through just one day which leads you to the next day.
kat’s last blog post..add this to the list of things to do in japan.
Monica says:
You both remain in my prayers. My heart goes out to you and your hurts and pains.
Monica’s last blog post..Will & Mommy
Ann says:
I can’t imagine the pain that you and Mike are going through- I wish I had something comforting or insightful to say, but know that I’m thinking of you both. Even though it was far too short, Maddie was very lucky to have parents as wonderful as both of you are.
EarnestGirl says:
Every person who walks the long valley of grief walks it their own way, at their own pace. Luckily you have each other to hold onto.
I have not had to endure or navigate the path you are now walking, but I can say without a doubt that as I tried to find my way on my own path of grief, I never liked it much when people have told me “it gets easier”. I think that the loss is there forever, but it does get easier to walk around, to function, even when you have tumbled again into the valley. Eventually, you remember how to laugh, how to find your way out sooner, how to walk with a little more grace.
For now, give yourself time and patience and know that this next part as the numbness wears off will likely be some of the hardest times. And please know that what Robyn said is absolutely true.
EarnestGirl’s last blog post..It’s Our Anniversary?
Ruth Kakogiannos says:
I read your blog or twitters daily to find out how you are doing…from the other side of the world, I really don’t know what to say, apart from the fact that I always think of you both and send my thoughts and prayers your way and thank you for sharing with us your life, because it certainly has made me appreciate what I have much more. Hugs.
Nuri says:
I don’t remember how I found this blog, but I just wanted you to know that, even though I’ve never met you or your daughter, I’ll never forget her.
Krissa says:
Keeping you all in my thoughts and in my heart. (((hugs)))
Kari (heartatpreschool) says:
Still reading, and still aching for you both. I’ve been absent from my own blog for a little while, and even from reading blogs – because of my own hurts that pale in comparison to yours, not that I’d even fathom comparing… But, I haven’t stopped reading yours. Somehow, I’m hoping to help hold you up. Somehow.
Cindy says:
My heart is breaking for you. I found your blog just when your beautiful Maddie passed. Your beautiful, loving, endearing words prove how much you & Mike loved your adorable Maddie. She was a very lucky girl to have such wonderful parents. You can see what a beautiful happy family you are in the photo’s & videos that you have posted online. I’m in Australia and I wish I was in the US so I could try to help out more. I have a Maddie myself and I couldn’t imagine losing her. I don’t think I’d be as strong as you both are! You amaze me with your beautiful words no matter how heartwrenching they are. I would like to send BIG BEAR HUGS & Love to you and Mike.
I know you will eventually pick up the pieces but I know that nothing is ever the same again. Your Maddie was alive on Earth, she lived and loved and is loved and she will forever be a huge part of your lives. You & Mike have to stick together & stay strong not just for yourselves as a couple but also for Maddie as well. Nobody could ever forget your beautiful Maddie, she will live forever in hearts even those who have never personally met her! I will keep you both in my prayers!
Connie says:
It’s so hard to go on. Everything seems so petty and you just want to smack people upside the head when they complain about stupid things. If only they knew.
I remember looking down from the hospital room watching people going in and out of Mc Donalds. Living a “normal” life. It made me so angry. How could they act as if nothing was wrong when my world was falling apart?
When it was time to go back to work I cried the whole way there, all day, and all the way home. Most people didn’t say anything, just went on as if nothing had happened. It made me angry. People on the streets acted like nothing was different – how could that be when I was so crushed?
My life changed that day. I lost the desire to be alive. I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t want to live either. I had a complete break down about a year later and ended up taking 3 months off work and seeing a psychiatrist. I saw him for a year. I wish I’d gone earlier, before I fell apart. In the end it helped me to find a new normal and learn to deal with my anger.
I so hope you’ll find someone to work through this with. It’s bigger than the both of you.
Loving you both so much.
Connie
catherine lucas says:
To each his turn Heather. You both will rely on each other at times. And yes, it is hard to see your other half mourn and crash. I thought that by Mike going back to work, you were going to cave in… Instead it was Mike… The silence was screaming… I kept checking your blog, his blog, your blog, his blog…
And only one hug life time question: WHY? Why o why do children have to die? I will never get it…
The silence was screaming!
catherine lucas’s last blog post..Grocery and computer shopping
Annie from Oregon says:
We waited four years for our firstborn daughter. Tried and tried and waited and waited. When we had her in our arms we were both filled with joy. While I rested, my husband rushed downtown to buy the sweetest birth announcements and the tiniest, fanciest dress he could find. She was 5#5oz and miniature!; but, being borderline premature her liver wasn’t working. After six days, they began planning to do a complete transfusion. I held her, fed her one more *thimble-full* of milk – and then we left her at the hospital. As we drove home, he suddenly jerked the car to the side of the road, turned off the motor and laid his head on the steering wheel and sobbed his heart out. I held him close and he told me…*I feel so cheated! This is wrong. I want to take my baby home where she belongs and just love her. I don’t want to drive away and leave her.* Sadly, I was so focused on her that I simply had not realized his pain. I was truly stunned that my strong, brave, rock was splintering right in front of me. That his fear and shock was every bit as deep as mine. It didn’t matter than he didn’t carry her and birth her…he was utterly bonded to her as though he did! God knows, Mike, how deep your sorrow is. I weep for you as I write this, I so want you to be comforted. I pray Jesus will hold you and overshadow this agony and lift your spirit. I pray He will draw you to Him and teach you how to live now. You and Heather. Give your selves time to get your balance back. No one could love their baby girl more than Maddy was loved. Every moment. And you will always remember and love her. I am so sorry you are going through this. Be of good courage, you two. Love and prayers.
Sally says:
From one broken hearted mother to another, I am so very, very sorry. I don’t believe we can ever hear these words enough, so I’m just stopping by to say them again. I remember the day well that my husband first went back to work, seven weeks after we lost our firstborn daughter last August. My beautiful Hope died during my labour at 40 weeks and 4 days after a very easy, incredibly healthy and routine, uncomplicated pregnancy due to a host of mistakes our midwives made in her final hours. She was born the next day. 8 pounds and perfect, just sound asleep. We returned home from hospital the next day, empty handed and as shattered, broken people simply not knowing how to live without her, and without many tangible memories to cling on to, apart from the wonderful nine months we had while I carried her safely inside of me. I can fully appreciate how broken you both feel now.
Today is nine months exactly since she died. Tomorrow will be nine months since she was born. I’m not here to tell you it gets better, because it doesn’t. And I know in my heart it never really will. But I am here to say I’m sorry, once again.
You are thought of the world over.
Sally, Australia
Sally’s last blog post..Grateful
Sarah says:
I have been following your blog for a while and just wanted to tell you that you and your husband are never far from my thoughts. I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through. I have and will continue to keep your family in my prayers. Maddie made a huge impact on this world in such a short time. You obviously did right by her as her parents.
Maddie says:
Yet again I read an update on how you are doing, yet again I feel useless as I wonder how you are both coping with being rail-roaded time and again.
Keep going, bit by bit, piece by piece. You will have a life again, not the one you had, not the one you want, but a life – of sorts. I have never lost a child, so I don’t know what you and Mike are going through, I imagine you will get used to living with the pain rather than it ever truly going away.
From the upheaval in my life that I have gone through, you will learn when you can do things and not balk at them. Take it slowly, take it together, lean on each other and use the strength that Maddie showed you to help.
Much love
Maddie’s last blog post..Why We Like The British
Terri says:
Even though weve never met irl.. you are in my thoughts and prayers so often.. I think of Maddie so much.. just keep plugging on… second by second.
Kathryn says:
Dear Heather & Mike-
think of this note as a little bit more glue. Both of you and Maddie of course, are never far from my mind. Her flame burns so brightly it could help fuel a rocket launch.
Sending hugs, hugs and more hugs !
Kathryn’s last blog post..May is a lovely month in Germany
Heather says:
I had read that Mike was going back to work on Thursday. Then I noticed there were no new tweets or posts. I had a feeling it hadn’t gone as well as hoped. Poor Mike. Poor you.
I still think about you both several times a day! I hope that maybe all of the love and thoughts that people have for you can somehow transform into strength that you and Mike can use to get through the days.
All my love to both of you.
Rebecca says:
Oh Heather. My heart goes to you both. My husband went back to work too soon after Finn died. It’s that whole thing of trying to get back to normality. I want to wrap you up in my arms.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
I remember reading somewhere that families have to adjust to “a new normal” after devastating loss. I’m thinking of you and Mike as you struggle to find your “new normal” without your precious Maddie.
Sending support and love to both of you.
Lynn from For Love or Funny’s last blog post..My dog is a chicken
pgoodness says:
So many comments with such amazing stories and words for you; I wish I could contribute with more than an I’m sorry and hugs. But I am honored to be part of the glue to help keep you guys together. xoxo
pgoodness’s last blog post..Bedtime stories
Cynthia says:
Mike and Heather,
Just another note to remind you that both you and Miss Madeline are always very much in our thoughts and prayers. We are so sad that your lives will never be the same, and no one should have to endure what your family has been forced to endure.
Please know that you are very much loved by so many who haven’t even met you. Your obvious love for each other and all those around you says so much about the special individuals you are. Everyone should be so lucky to have friends like yourselves! Even though sweet Maddie is no longer with us here in body, I have no doubt that aside from being tucked firmly inside your hearts forever, she will always be right there with you in spirit, in everything beautiful, young, kind, giving, smart and PURPLE!
I know these are merely words that cannot bring her back to you nor can they really ease your pain, but we are all right here, thinking, worrying and loving you…hoping to be your safety net whenever you need it.
All Our Love,Cynthia and Hayley Pascual
Jill says:
The words won’t come, but there is one more person just thinking of you…
Jill’s last blog post..Bringing It To the People
Candice says:
I’m so sorry for what you guys are going through. I can only imagine how hard it must be to help one another through this when you are struggling yourself. We’re all sending thoughts, virtual hugs, and prayers your way.
Candice’s last blog post..Can I get a Whoop, Whoop??!!
Charlane says:
I wish there was more than I could do than pray and wish you well, and say I’m so sorry. Sometimes I look at my duaghter, Keelyn, (who was born under less than perfect circumstances at 32 wekks, and who by the way, was was born on November 11th, 2008, just a year away from Maddie) sometimes when I see her my heart aches for you, I don’t think that before you I recognized how very very lucky I am. I do now and I also know how very very sad I am for both you and Mike. ALthough I cannot understand the weight and of the grief you are under, I need you to know that you have made me appreciate my daughter more than you could ever have imagined. I do things like lotion and kiss her knees, and deeply smell the nape of her neck when I hold her. I cannot imagine your pain, but I hope you know that people around the world feel it with you and have changed their own lives because of it.
Charlane’s last blog post..Napping
Anna Marie Hinnant says:
Heather and Mike, I feel so much anguish for you. I hate feeling so helpless and I wish I could do something to lessen your pain.
2 year-old Emmie has decided that the purple crayon is her favorite and every time she picks it up I smile and think of Maddie.
Love and Hugs to both of you.
Molly says:
We think about you guys all the time. Wishing you all good things and some peace to get through your days.
I am not at all religious, but I have always liked the tradition of lighting candles for people–it seems like such a nice, simple gesture. I will continue to light candles for you and Mike and Maddie.
Molly’s last blog post..Maddie
Anonymous says:
Hugs.
Danielle says:
Thinking of you. Keep holding Mike. Keep holding each other.
The Bereaved Parents Wish List that Adriane posted is really good. My boys still talk about Maddie. We did a balloon release and talked about Maddie, watched her videos. Sometimes, they still see purple and say “That’s Maddie’s favorite color, Mom! Baby Maddie loves purple!”
Still thinking of you.
Amy says:
Heather,
As a reader of your blog and a mommy to a baby girl my heart aches and breaks for you and Mike every day. I truly cannot imagine your pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you are figuring out how to navigate this new (sucky) reality. Even though you can’t see us, I hope you can fell the thousands of us out here holding you up and maybe, occasionally together.
Amanda says:
Heather-
The anology that I’ve used before after my son died was imagine living your life, the one where sometimes you worried someone else and having in a spilt second a china cabinet fall from against a wall breaking every single thing that your good memories were died to. Although it pales in comparison somehow it did make sense at least to me.
It takes a long long time to pick up each piece and put the china back together. For the first two pieces (or maybe more) you think that the new china isn’t worth doing it it doesn’t look the same why bother?? But after a few pieces you realize that putting the pieces together makes the new ones stronger in places from the glue and also weaker in places where the are shattered but holding themselves together somehow. But for that lat piece, the one with the lost memories you hold the pieces lovingly, you start and walk away from the task because each time you pick up a piece the memories flood back.
Now imagine two different china cabinets falling at the same time – different memories – different orders of putting the pieces back together – different times of finding and that last piece.
I think of you both often and sometimes lie in bed praying that your time for completing the task might be comiing soon.
Casey says:
Here, reading, hoping, wishing I could help. Thinking of you, praying for you. You have been dealt the worst blow (blow after blow, perhaps). I’m sorry…
Casey’s last blog post..Mother’s Day in a Pieshell
Tricia (irishsamom) says:
Heather and Mike – there are no words. I might be a stranger, but I don’t feel like I am. Your daughter was your life. She has left your hearts in tiny pieces. What do you say when you and Mike are feeling pain like you are? But saying nothing doesn’t help either, so if it’s OK with you, I’ll keep leaving little comments and checking in. I live on the East Coast, but if I lived near you, I’d come over and try and do something to at least help you practically. Right now, all I can do is hold you both in my heart and pray that your pain will become bearable one day. You are amazing people both of you – look at what you produced in your beautiful little girl – she was a reflection of the wonderful parents and people you are. Sending love, hugs and prayers for you both,
Tricia x
Tricia (irishsamom)’s last blog post..Colouring outside of the lines ….
Dana says:
I thought about you guys all weekend and worried that you guys were “crashing”….We will continue to be here for you…to send you emails and to let you know that we are always thinking of Maddie….I went and bought some new clothes this weekend and 2 of the 3 things are purple…Purple will ALWAYS be Maddie to me now…
(((HUGS)))
Dana’s last blog post..Tue, May 12, 2009
kristin says:
may i suggest that crashing is one way of showing your fierce love of your sweet girl…and picking up the pieces shows your love of each other.
Elle says:
Maddie’s death pains me too. My heart breaks for you both. I’m so sorry you’re feeling so much pain. Sending you energy and lots of peaceful thoughts.
xoxoxox
Elle’s last blog post..guilt
Ms. Moon says:
We’re here. We’re out here. We can’t grieve for you or take it any of it away, but we’re here.
Ms. Moon’s last blog post..Pictures From May 17th, 2009 (Click, click, click)
amanda says:
How hard it must be to be strong for each other. What a tribute to you both that you are somehow managing to be a support system for each other. My heart breaks for you both on a daily basis. I am grateful for what you said about the comments, tweets, etc that you receive – it feels awful to think that we cannot help you, and to know that, in some small way, we are, seems to be a wonderful tribute to this crazy thing we call the internet.
Much love from CT,
Amanda xo
amanda’s last blog post..temptation
Shannon Kieta says:
Mike:
For the love of God, lean on Heather, she needs to be your rock right now. If you both don’t fall together… you WILL fall apart! This will be the hardest test God will ever lay into your hands…and you will pull through. Maddie is your biggest supporter. After all.. she is your Guardian angel now.
Heather:
Keep trying to “piece” Mike back together. You too will heal from some of that glue. Maddie is sending alot of it down. Keep in mind, every day is one day closer to all you being together again. Luv Ya! Shannon
Christy says:
Oh, Heather…you are always in the thoughts of so many of us. It seems like such a feeble attempt to “help”– to keep someone in your thoughts. Especially because it just happens naturally; I don’t DO anything. But if it helps in any small way at all, I am grateful for that.
Christy’s last blog post..Today’s Moment
Domestic Extraordinaire says:
You know I will do anything that needs done. Much love to you two. ((((Heather & Mike)))))
xoxo
Domestic Extraordinaire’s last blog post..Waterboarding doesn’t have anything on this
Kellie says:
This post, like all of your’s, broke my heart. Again. I am beyond sorry for what you and Mike are dealing with.
I’ve said it before and I’m here saying it yet again: I think of you guys everyday. I would do whatever I could to remove even a small portion of your pain.
Kellie’s last blog post..I’m Still Here…Are You?
Marian says:
Heather, I’ve started reading your blog through Matt’s blog and wanted to be another stranger offering support and condolences your way. As the mother of two precious girls (Stella is 4 and Meg is almost 2), I glance at them and well up with tears just imagining anything happening to them. I can tell you and Mike were incredible, loving and thankful parents for the time you had with that beautiful Maddie. Please know strangers around the world continue to send positive thoughts your way. So sorry.
Freda says:
Sending Prayers and Plenty of Love to You.
I think of you every day.
((Hugs))
Freda
Charlsie says:
still here sending my love and prayers to you both.
Monica says:
I’ve been following your journey for a while, but have never left a comment as I just cannot find the words. I just want you both to know that I think of you often, pray for you and send my love every day.
Adventures In Babywearing says:
Oh, this breaks my heart. Hoping this gets better and easier very very soon.
Steph
Adventures In Babywearing’s last blog post..The Middles
Andrea Lawson says:
Heather & Mike,
I have been silently following your story for some time now. I read your blog while I am at work sometimes and when my day seems to be going down hill Maddie’s smile has the power to make things better. I can’t get over what a beautiful smile! I just wanted to let you know that your little girl has brought joy to my life! I also want to thank you for having to courage to share your story with all your readers. You are in my prayers!
Trish says:
I check on you both every day. Even though I have never commented before. Just know that someone in OC is thinking of you and praying for some comfort to come to both you and Mike.
Trish
Trish’s last blog post..Swing Fun
AnnD says:
When I was pregnant with my daughter, I decided I needed life insurance. While we were there, the insurance dude said that we could add the baby to the policy for a very little amount of money. I’ll never forget the way he worded it, he said we would “get $10,000, which isn’t a lot, but it may be just enough to put your brains back in your head if your child ever dies.”
I am also reminded of another quote that says: “Having a child is like having your heart walking around outside of your body.”
I imagine that is what it is like, walking around without your brain in your head and without your heart, barely functioning and barely alive. Poor Mike was just expected to “get back to normal” by his employer and society when “normal” isn’t even an option for you both right now.
It might be more difficult for men…they have been socialized not to show much emotion. I always say prayers for you both but I will say a special prayer for Mike today.
I’m so far beyond sorry and so far beyond heartbroken for you both….we’re still here though. We love Maddie and we love you both.
AnnD’s last blog post..
Lisa says:
Just wanted to let you know that I am sending much love and many (((hugs))) to you and Mike.
Lisa’s last blog post..18 Month Check Up
Christy says:
My heart is hurting for both of you. There is not one day that goes by that I don’t think of you and your sweet Maddie. I will be praying for Mike especially today, that he finds peace in his heart, and has an easier day.
God bless you…
Christy’s last blog post..Young Man
Kellie says:
I wish that there was something I (or anyone) could do or say to make this right. It’s so unfair and so wrong – I’m sorry Heather and Mike, so very sorry.
Jamie says:
I was wondering how you guys were doing after Mike’s first day back. I’m sorry it wasn’t better. I wish there was something I could say or do to help both of you. Most of all, I think it’s okay to crash and break. I can’t see how you couldn’t. It’s baby steps forward and probably great big giant steps back now and then too. And that’s all okay.
Jamie’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
sam {temptingmama} says:
I love you both so very much and it pains me to see what you’re going through. I wish more than anything I could bear this weight for you Heather.
*hugs* to you both.
sam {temptingmama}’s last blog post..If It Walks Like a Duck, Don’t Be Too Quick To Assume That it is In Fact a Duck.
Rachel says:
I know it’s not what you want to hear but one day you will be you again. However, you will be a better version of you because of her. You nor Mike will truly ever be the same because a part of you will always be missing. A part of you will always ache. A part of you will always want to cry for her. Losing your child so sudden is a hard thing to bare. Without warning they are gone and you are left behind wondering why. The world will never look the same without her in it. Just know that you have a lot of support and prayers being sent your way. And don’t worry about breaking. Sometimes that’s the best thing you can do. I will pray for Peace for both you and Mike.
Rachel’s last blog post..Have you seen my daughter?
Meg says:
OH MY GOD! I keep asking God “Why?”…Why has He asked you to endure so much pain…why does ANYONE have to endure this kind of pain? I really have a hard time understanding this…surely He does not want to suffer…and yet, you are. Take all the time you need to get to a place where it does not hurt to breathe….the world will wait.
Praying for your peace all the time.
Shawn says:
I cry and my heart aches when I read your blog. I am so sorry! I wish I could do something to help y’all. I’m so sorry!
Angelica says:
Hello.
I have been reading your blog for a little while, Matt Logelin’s blog sent me here.
This is the first time I have posted.
I keep coming back to check on how you and your Mike are doing.
Sometimes I am walking home and I see your Maddie’s big eyes and grin, they just pop in my head.
I knew I had to tell you how my heart breaks for you and your family.
Maddie has touched my heart.
I just wanted you to know that.
cindy w says:
You’re probably right that breaking is expected in these situations. It doesn’t make it any easier. Someone you love is in pain, and that’s horrible. At the same time, you have your own pain to deal with. I can only imagine that it really is too much to bear at times. Nothing I can possibly write here will make it better, I just want you to know that we hear you and we care. Sending you guys love, hugs & prayers.
cindy w’s last blog post..weekend recap, in photos
cj says:
Please, please know that so many are praying for your family. I can’t begin to imagine the pain that you are feeling and I am so sorry that you have to live through this awful time. God Bless.
Dina says:
Oh you guys! I wish there was something I could say or do to help you through this awful time. All I can say is that you have both changed my life. I am a much better mother because of you and Maddie. My 19 month old daughter gets her knees kissed all the time. Your tragedy has made me appreciate every blessing this sweet child gives me.
I think of Maddie all the time and my heart breaks for you. It’s all so unfair. I just wanted you both to know that you are inspiring.
Sending you lots of hugs. (((((( ))))))))
JAYNE - NY says:
i find that i check the internet each morning or during the day looking to see if you’ve posted, how you are doing, what you are up to, or if you have shared a wonderful memory of the moo.
you need us to send the loves.. we need you to write.. we need to know how you(s) are doing. we all worry, even if we have never net met, even if we live on the other coast. we worry.
JAYNE – NY’s last blog post..OLD MAN RIVER
Heather says:
I don’t know how you go thru losing Maddie and not be shattered into a million different pieces. I don’t know either of you or Maddie, yet I mourn her and think of you all often. Lean on each other- be good to each other. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss.
Krissy says:
I wish I could make everyting better for you guys. There are no words that come to my mind. Just know that so many people are praying and caring for you in this horrible time. Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful little girl… her smile makes me smile. She’s beautiful…. so sorry once again.
moosh in indy. says:
You done good sugarplum. You must have had some excellent references on well, you know. xoxo
moosh in indy.’s last blog post..I am the pregnancy rule.
habanerogal says:
The unbelievable strength that you both exhibit in these days and hours of your new lives is more than remarkable. Your example as parents and humans has made so many parents live better. Keep each other well
Shauna says:
I love you guys. And I’m so damn sorry.
Shauna’s last blog post..Mother’s Day weekend in pictures (no time for words)
Sheila says:
still here, still reading, still praying. Hug each other tight.
Mary says:
Sending you all the love and support possible. Everybody has to break. Until you break, you can’t start to rebuild.
Midwest Mommy says:
Friday night my husband’s returning flight home was canceled I stayed up way too late into the night. At 2:00 in the morning I reread a lot of your posts, A LOT and I rewatched the tribute video for Maddie. I cried and I cried and I cried. I think about you guys all the time still and wonder how you do it, how you survive something like this. Maddie still has a chunk of my heart and always will. Hugs.
Midwest Mommy’s last blog post..Loot!
Lucy says:
Hold on. Just hold on. The pain never goes away, but in time you will find that you can live around the pain. The process won’t begin for months, but I promise you will find that at some point you can go to work or the grocery store or out with friends and you won’t completely shatter. Here is a quote from Emily Dickinson that helped me endure the death of my daughter.
“And if I go while you’re still here…know that I live on, vibrating to a different measure, behind a thin veil you cannot see through…I wait for the time when we soar together again, both aware of each other. Until then, live your life to the fullest and, when you need me, just whisper my name in your heart. I will be there.” –
dysfunctional mom - Cyndy says:
I wish there were more that I could do than just tell you I am so, so sorry.
I can’t even imagine how badly you miss that precious girl.
Continued prayers going out for you all.
Xoxo
Deborah says:
Still thinking of you both every single day and wishing there was something more I could do for you. I feel as though I know both you and Mike, and if there was anything I could do to take away the pain, I would. I know I can’t, but please do know that I am thinking about all of you, every single day.
cindy says:
How my heart aches for you……and how I wish that I could provide some kind of comfort.
nic @mybottlesup says:
the support will not stop… via cards, emails, blog comments, tweets…. heather, mike- they will not stop.
the candid brokenness that you are willing to share and experience with the world, allowing us to peak through the window that is your tragedy right now gives us the ability to send love and (((hugs))) via internet.
so i toss it back to you… please don’t stop. broken days, shattered days, stronger days, all the days… don’t stop sharing it with each other, with your writing, with yourselves.
i hug my son, and i think of you. every time. your story has strengthened my ability to be jackson’s mother.
the virtual love will not stop. i promise.
nic @mybottlesup’s last blog post..exploring love
Kristin says:
You’re in my thoughts. Always here for you.
Kristin’s last blog post..Tightrope Walking
Michelle S says:
Heather and Mike,
Just want you to know someone in Cincinnati, Ohio is thinking of you today. In fact, you are never far from my thoughts, and always in my prayers.
~Michelle
micheller@cinci.rr.com
Amazing Greis says:
My thoughts and prayers continue to be sent to you, Mike and Maddie. I still think of you all OFTEN and wish I could do more.
XOXOX
Amazing Greis’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – Stretching…
Suzanne says:
Mike and Heather,
I checked this site a dozen times over the past four days. Perhaps it is odd to worry and care so much about people who are strangers to me, but I don’t care. I feel like I know you.
The pictures and videos of you and Mike with Maddie are the most charming, captivating things I’ve ever seen. It is difficult to read about your grief and to know that this spectacular baby girl is gone from this world. But I cannot stop reading. I comment on every post in the hope that somehow, it helps you both through your anguish. I feel helpless, so it is good to know that I am perhaps one molecule of the glue that is helping to hold you together.
I think of Madeline all the time. Because of her, I will foever be a supporter of the MoD. Her story touched me so deeply that it changed me. Each of your internet fans will carry a little piece of her story forever. Each of us has altered small things in our lives in tribute to her.
I am so terribly sorry that you lost your darling girl. I will be here, every day, to share in your grief and hope that in my small way, I can be a support to you both.
Love from DC,
Suzanne
Trish says:
I don’t know you guys but I just want to wrap you both up in a big hug! Tears are streaming down my face right now, I wish there was something I could do for you. I can and will be praying for you. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but some day it will get eaiser…….it won’t be “better” but it will be eaiser.
Aubrey says:
heather —
i have been a faithful reader of your site…but unfortunantly i didn’t find it until after maddie had passed. i was so enthralled by your amazing little girl and the love you had for her that i went back and read your entire blog.
every time i read it, i think i should leave some sort of comment…but i’m never sure what to say. today i decided that it didn’t matter what i said….just that you knew that one more person in the world has been affected by maddie.
your love for your daughter, and your husband, is truly inspirational.
you’re in so many thoughts and prayers!
aubrey
foradifferentkindofgirl says:
I know we do not know one another, but I think of you, Mike and your beautiful, beautiful daughter so very often, and when I do, I pause for a moment and send a prayer up for you all. I wish it could be more.
foradifferentkindofgirl’s last blog post..what about prom, blane? no. what about prom? no. WHAT ABOUT PROM!
Danes says:
I love you.
Jamie S says:
Hold on to each other as tight as possible. You cannot ‘fix’ the unbearable sadness for each other but you can hold each other. I know it must seem like a horrible teeter totter as when one of you feels strong the other breaks. I imagine it will be like this for quite some time. You two are in my prayers constantly!! I wish we could take the pain for you.
Sara says:
I check your blog everyday, just to see how you’re doing. And even though we don’t know each other at all, I want you to know that I think about you and your family all the time. Sending lots of love and good thoughts your way.
Sara’s last blog post..I would go out tonight, but I haven’t got a stitch to wear.
AmyinTexas says:
As usual, I don’t know what to say. But I come here every day to check on you.
jodi says:
Like everyone else posting here…I am sorry. I wish I could say something or do something that would make it better. I wish I had the words or the ability to take your pain away.
I am so very sorry.
Katy says:
You don’t know me, but I have been reading about you and thinking of you daily.
Please know that the breaking is GOOD. It is impossibly painful and difficult to go through, but SO SO SO necessary. You could not move forward in this new life without breaking, so that you can put the pieces together in a new way…one that will work for your new normal. You need the catharsis of shattering; you need to hit rock-bottom before you can come up for air again.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I can’t really imagine how hard this must be, but I am thinking of you daily, as are many others.
Pat says:
MIke and Heather…I am thinking the posts that help the most are the ones from moms and dads that are in or have been in your place. The rest of us cannot even comprehend what it must feel like. We have all experienced loss that we feel is insurmountable but somehow the loss of a child, an only child has to be, well, just different. Grieving is so very hard and everyone has to do it in their own way. It takes alot of strength and some days, some hours, some minutes you may feel like there is no strength left or you just plain don’t want to be strong. Those are the times you will let it go and just fall apart. You have your trigger points and you don’t know where or when they will be ignited, but they will always be there. Loss is devastating but somehow we pull from within ourselves, we pull from all who care about us and we pull mainly from our memories…. somehow we function. It is so useless to hear that it gets better with time…actually, it is infuriating. Your time now is spent in this black hole with only a pin prick of light showing thru. Your days are spent trying to make that pin hole just a little bit bigger releasing more light for you to see. Thoughts, prayers, invisible hugs wrapped around you and Mike.
Kim says:
I don’t know you, but my heart aches you for you. Your daughter was so beautiful; I simply cannot imagne what your pain and heartbreak must be like. My prayers are with you.
Randi says:
How hard it must be. Not only are you in pain, but your husband is in pain and you have to split your energies between healing yourself and trying to help him heal. My heart hurts for you both.
Randi’s last blog post..Seriously Friggin Frustrated
Michelle says:
Thinking of you and your family.
Thank you for sharing your story, it has made me a better mother and wife.
I wish there was some way to lessen the pain.
Michelle’s last blog post..Things I hope I never forget.
Christy says:
Hold each other tight. I pray for your peace and comfort. I can’t imagine your pain; I can only imagine it must be the most terrible thing in the world. I pray your deep love for one another and Maddie will get you through each day.
Christy’s last blog post..Flasback Friday (a little late) and Silly Saturday
Alli says:
Bless you, bless you, bless you. Hug each other as much as you can. I wish I could be there to hug you both too.
Alli’s last blog post..Friend Makin’ Monday
maggie, dammit says:
I’m so sorry.
I’m just so sorry.
maggie, dammit’s last blog post..I don’t do this very often, but…. “HOMEWORK”
Mary says:
Heather – I am so deeply sorry for your loss and your shock. What a beauty and a light Maddy was – your photos and your writing about her give such a sense of your little girl’s vibrancy and spunky personality. I never met her and still I feel so sad. You and Mike and Maddy are all in my heart.
damaris says:
I’ve often thought about what would happen in a situation like this and how my relationship with my husband would be. I would fear the worst.
I’ve started reading your blog because it gives me strength in a very vicceral way.
I hope you and Mike get through today with a bit more energy and hope that you got through Thursday.
damaris’s last blog post..Shout Out to Food Bloggers
maya says:
my comment is lost in a sea of comments, but you know I love you and am always here for you both. That’s what soul sisters are for.
maya’s last blog post..I’m a secret Nerd
Tami says:
Life sucks .!! It really does. I wish things were different and I wish you had maddie back. I know the pain Hurts to no end. Mike and you need to give your mind and and your heart time to heal. And you both need to hold each other tight.. My heart aches for you both and my tears still shed when I read you blogs. My prayers and thoughts are with you daily
kristen says:
heather and mike,
it is my profound hope that the beauty, love, joy, promise, and hope of your 17 months with your daughter (especially those precious months that the three of you enjoyed every day together) will begin to replace the pain, heartache, and loss you are feeling at this moment. i know your future will never be the same, but i remain hopeful that it will be filled with a new kind of life and laughter and happiness once again.
i planted purple flowers in all my window boxes in honor of your maddie this weekend. they make me smile, as does she.
peace,
kristen
won says:
There is no right or wrong way to do this-the journey of grief. I’ve often said that if anyone purports to have the ability to do it “better”… they can have my moccasins!
I am glad Mike came home. I am glad he is being gentle with himself and doing exactly what he feels he needs to do.
The journey is selfish, as in the dictionary definition of selfish: “of or pertaining to the self”.
Keep breathing in the light and blowing out the darkness, even when the darkness feels so all emcompassing.
Feel free to email privately, either you or Mike if you ever feel moved to dump.
won’s last blog post..!!!! Lock up your children and prepare your weapons !!!!
Carol says:
Just have to let you know I think about you both every day.
Rachel says:
Now I am crying. I wish I could take your pain away, instead I am sending you a virtual hug.
Rachel’s last blog post..Nature vs. Nuture
kristin says:
Everything I write sounds stupid. Trying again.
Don’t feel like you need to resume life as before. Your life isn’t as before.
Don’t feel like you shouldn’t break — you MUST break b/c it’s the only way you can reassemble the pieces to put them back together.
Don’t doubt that you will one day feel happy. You will miss Maddie every day, but one day in the future–and many days after that–you will also feel happy b/c your life will have other, new blessings.
Life is good, people are good and there are other good things for your family that one day you will hold and experience.
But right now, it fucking sucks, and don’t try to rush yourself through any of it. Know that you are experiencing literally, perhaps the worst-thing-in-the-world and own it. And if you can, hold a little flicker of faith that one day you will again be happy.
Love,
Kristin
Amanda/Baby A says:
xoxoxoxo
Sending love your way.
Alexa says:
Reading your story has changed my life. You and your daughter have shown me to be more diligant in loving life and everyone in it. I also think of you three often and I know to not take anything for granted.
The pain you feel in infathomable for me. I don’t understand how deep it goes, only you can. But, I pray for you and also thank you for sharing your story. You are helping others through your words. Helping them be better people.
You created a wonderful person in Maddie, she touched the world and she continues to touch it with her story.
Kate S says:
I am so sorry, Heather. You are right, you can’t fix each other. Having to pick up the pieces of both of you is an unbelievably difficult task because we are so acustomed to having our partner to lean on. I wish there was something I could do to help. I think of you both every day–and of sweet Maddie. I hope Mike is able (meaning, I hope he has a choice) to take a step back and maybe not return to ‘real life’ of work quite yet. It will never be easy, but given your post, maybe this is too soon. Lots of love to you both from the other coast.
Trish says:
I can’t begin to imagine your pain, but wanted you to know that I’m praying for you both.
Trish’s last blog post..Counting!
Vicky says:
I’m so sorry for what you and your husband are going through. I wish there was more I could say or do.
mrs. chicken says:
The only thing worse than one’s own personal grief is watching someone you love deeply suffer similarly.
My thoughts are with you and Mike every day. Be as gentle as you can, with yourselves and with each other. And know how brave you are for acknowledging (and accepting) the differences in your pain, and how you are different now.
Oh, Heather. I really wish there was more I could do. You are in my heart. And so is Maddie.
rachel says:
It sucks that life doesn’t come with a handbook. I know that people want to be able to say things to make you feel better, and I am no different, but I am honest when I tell you that I know there is nothing I can say. I can tell you to do what feels right for as long as it takes. No one is judging you. And hopefully you ARE getting the prayers and good thoughts of all of your readers, because I think of you guys often.
Marie says:
When my husband died, I died a little too. The week of the funeral was busy and heartbreaking but the busyness kept my mind ok. Afterwards was the let down. And let down I did!! I didn’t even think of going back to work – never even called there. After 3 weeks she called me – said people are waiting for you to come back. I said well I cry every day – and I will probably cry while working on clients. But back I went. It was too soon!
I feel so badly that you have to go through this – both of you. My heart is so sad for you. Maybe it is better to be going through it together, I have no idea. But sometimes you just need to get in the car (or somewhere) by yourself and let it out. I cried all the way home for weeks. By the time I got home I was a little better. My point is this. Each has to find their own way. You can’t put Mike back together, he has to do that himself. He can’t put you back together either. It’s a personal battle – this grief thing. But you can sure be there for each other and cry together and pray – whatever it is that brings you comfort.
Thinking about you guys every day even though you don’t know me personally. I have walked that road and it’s terrible.
Hugs from Minnesota
Marie
samantha jo campen says:
I pray for you both every single day and you are always in my thoughts. Again, I wish there was something I could do for you. Just know I will never ever forget about you.
Debbie B says:
You, Mike, and Maddie are in my thoughts everyday. I think about Maddie before I fall asleep at night and first thing when I wake up in the morning. My heart aches for you and your precious little girl.
Kelley Land says:
This just makes me so sad. Not only must you try to wade your way through the loss of lovely Maddie, but you also must try to pull each other through the deep water. I imagine some days you want to duck your head under and never come back up. There are no words for times like these. Sometimes there are only tears and tremors and shrugs and heavy, shuddering sighs. I hope that, in some small way, your sharing of this journey and the comments you receive helps. At least you know you’re not all alone in this. That people all over the world remember your Maddie and are terribly sad for what you’re going through.
–Kelley
Kelley Land’s last blog post..“Put Something Silly In”
Fairly Odd Mother says:
All three members of your little family are held close to my heart.
Fairly Odd Mother’s last blog post..Pomp and Circumstance
Heidi says:
You are always in my thoughts. Hugs to you both.
Heidi’s last blog post..Steps
Sandi says:
I’ll say a prayer for you and your husband that you find a way to love each other today…some small way to honor the love that created your daughter.
~Sandi
Kelly says:
I’m sure it would help if it made even one ounce of sense…but it just doesn’t. I can fully understand when you say that you watch the videos of her and she is so full of life and it just does not seem logical that is she is no longer here. I feel it and I never met you or your beautiful daughter. I am a Mom that can not even imagine the pain you feel. I watch my friend grieve for her son, and I hear her pain, I see her pain and still can not imagine the depth of it. I hope you find as much glue as you can in eveything around you, because I know how much it will take to put yourselves back together. I am so happy you are surrounded by so many people who care so much about you. People say one day at a time, but I imagine it more like one second at a time. I’m thinking of you and Mike.
Trista says:
Heather, I check in often to see if you’ve posted – I think about you, Mike, and Maddie often. I can’t imagine the path that you and Mike are now forced to take, and how a couple comes through a thing like this. It sounds like you are both grieving in your own way and shoring each other up when things are especially tough. I know this is a generalization and may not apply, but men often feel the responsibility of being there for their partners and it can be so much harder for them to get their grief and heartbreak out. It’s great that Mike has you to let him shattter as he needs to, and to help put him back together. I hope he does the same for you, and in the end the both of you are as whole as you can be, knowing that things will not be the same without Maddie. Sending strength your way.
Trista’s last blog post..Mommy Dearest
Cory says:
Still praying for you all of the time…just wanted to let you know that I normally plant all red flowers in the front of my house, but yesterday I went to the flower shop and bought all purple flowers. It’s a small tribute, but it’s my little tribute to your beautiful daughter and everytime I look at them I will think of her and remember to not take my family for granted.
Kelly says:
If there were better words or deeds, I would give them. You are loved so much, as is Mike, as is sweet beautiful Maddie. I send you hope with every prayer.
Kelly’s last blog post..Please be who I thought
Jana says:
Please hold onto one other during this hell. You are inexplicably changed now and will have to each go your own route of grief. I won’t dare say be strong because you DON’T have to be but be strong for your marriage; you owe it to Maddie.
Keep talking to “us.” We will buoy you as best as we can.
Becky says:
I know of your pain but not to the extent: I lost the man I thought I would marry four years ago. Losing a child is on a whole new level of being shattered. Maddie is looking down at you now and only wants the best life for you as you work to repair the hole her death as left. Be nice to yourselves, stay close to each other.
Julia says:
I thought of you so much at a funeral I just attended. The deceased was 80 and with her at her death were three of four children and nine beautiful grandchildren. The three children were the “rebuilt” life. The grandchildren a wonderful result. But it was still acknowledged that there was a missing child, who had died 55 years before at the age of two. But her life was beautiful and yours will be too.
Tasha says:
You are so right about our society rushing to get back to work and such. I was talking to a friend of mine and we had the same conversation. Her daughter is 12 and has had a horrible year. She had mono and missed quite a bit of school . When she returned to school she was exhausted. Her teachers could not understand why she wasn’t turning in her missed school work as quickly as they thought she should. The teachers weren’t cutting her any slack. This went on for weeks and this 12 old girl was getting more tired and just wasn’t able to get things caught up. Long story short, my friend found out that her daughter has a brain tumor. Now most of the teachers are letting some of these assignments go and being understanding, but not all of them.
Anyway, the conversation with my friend was: our society does not allow enough time for people to get through sicknesses nor the loss of a loved one. We live in a microwave world where you rush past your grief and loss and try to get back to normal. Except there is never the same normal again, it doesn’t exist. We as a society need to give people who are dealing with ongoing sicknesses and loss the time and space to work through the hell they are trying to process.
I think it is awesome that you and your husband are holding on to one another and working through this together. So many couples who lose a child turn their hurt onto one another and lose their marriage in the process. Keep loving each other and picking each other up. You two are the only ones who can relate to the specific loss of your Maddie because you two are the only ones who are her mom and dad. No one else has the bond you two have with her. You two are the only ones who “get it” on the same level. You need each other.
I’m still praying for both of you.
Tasha
Lynde says:
I hope you will consider seeking some grief counseling. What you are going through is very hard and a grief counselor/therapist can be so helpful during this time. There are also online groups of parents who have lost a child.
Cat says:
Thinking of you every day.
Angie says:
I know I’m not equipt to say the right thing to you…just want to make sure you know that you are always in my prayers.
Amy says:
Sending many thoughts and prayers for you now and always.
Amy
Amy’s last blog post..Not Me! 5/18/09
Keary Naughton says:
My heart is broken for both of you- I am thinking good thoughts for you both. Take is one hour at a time.
Aleks says:
I know this won’t help much but ever since I read about Maddie, this song, one of my new favorites, makes me think of her, and the two of you, every time.
I wish there was more I could say. I read every update and I cry. My thoghts and prayers are with you.
“Beauty From Pain”
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i’m alive but i feel like i’ve died
And all that’s left is to accept that it’s over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i’m slipping away
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I’ll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can’t understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you’ve brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can’t see
I forgot how to hope
This night’s been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
Sheri says:
Hi Heather,
I have two brothers who died before I was born. One was 1 year 1 month and 11 days old. The other was 2. I told my mom about you and she said if you ever wanted to talk, she’d be happy to talk to you. I know that there’s nothing anyone can do to make you feel better now, but to know you aren’t alone…I’m so sorry.
Jackie says:
I can’t even express how much I love you both.
Becky says:
I love you guys.
CJ's mom says:
Heather, once again, I find myself at a complete loss for words. I am just so, so sorry. Please continue to help Mike, and I hope he will continue to help you. Lean on each other, listen, and love.
My son will be one in a couple of weeks. For his birthday I got him Maddie’s Monster. I want my baby to know Maddie. She will live on in my home and in my heart forever. I know that isn’t enough. But my hope is that it will help just a little.
Sending love and peace your way,
Cristy
Katie in WI says:
Aww, feeling so bad for you Mike. You’re so lucky to have Heather.
It must be so hard, things feeling worse, not better. No rules, no direction, no how-to-get-through-this help.
Thinking of you two today and your darling daughter.
Anna says:
Praying for you both today. I wish I could take even just a little of that pain from you.
anymommy says:
You, Mike and Maddie are in my heart all the time, I think of you through out the day. It seems like so little, but I hope my little added to all of the thousands of other people who love you, will add up to something big for you. Love.
anymommy’s last blog post..Hide Your Goats, Bring Your Kids
Sunny says:
This is my first comment… I found your blog from Aunt Becky when you lost your beautiful angel.
Your story, your words have brought me to tears more times than I can count. I am so sorry for what you have been going through, it’s hard to grapple with a world that lets something so horrible happen to good people. I think it’s amazing that you are sharing your healing process with us all, and I know you are helping other souls out there even when you both feel broken.
Prayers and hugs.
Sunny’s last blog post..Which old witch? The wicked witch!
Amy says:
I am not really religious, but I truly believe that you will be with Maddie again some day. I also really believe that she is all around you right now. Thinking of you, stranger Amy in OR
Danielle says:
My thoughts are with you both every day and for all to come.
Danielle’s last blog post..Realization
chouchix says:
I’m just one more sending love and support to get you through…Madeline Alice, the girl with the most beautiful eyes.
April says:
All I can say is, I’m thinking of you both.
Deidre says:
I would suggest reading Elizabeth Edward’s new book Resilience. She writes about her son’s Wades death, and I just find comfort in hearing her wisdom. I am so glad you were home when Mike returned. Grief is the hardest work you will ever do. And the sad part is, it never stops, it just takes different turns and twists. Just promise me for today you will not ask why your Maddie is not here.
Deidre’s last blog post..Home Funerals
michelle says:
Thoughts, prayers, thoughts, prayers, tears…Just wishing I could take a small piece of your pain away…knowing I cannot only makes it more difficult. My hope is that someday, each day will bring you a little more confort and peace.
Michelle
michelle’s last blog post..Messiest eater award goes to…Kendal!
Jennifer says:
Oh I am just so sorry for both of you. I hope he waits longer before going back–it’s just too soon. Hoping also that you will be able to slowly rebuild day by day, though I know it will never be the same.
Jennifer’s last blog post..Happy Pickle!
tara says:
my heart continues to break every day for you and mike. words just cannot express how deeply sorry i am. i am here, listening and sending you all my love. so many hugs to you, every day.
Deidre says:
Heather, Please read what I wrote on your husband’s blog. Your friend in Charleston, South Carolina!
Deidre’s last blog post..Home Funerals
punkinmama says:
((Hugs)) and Prayers for you and Mike. I can’t imagine what you continue to go through. Know that you are loved (even by people who’ve never met you).
punkinmama’s last blog post..i…
Leslie says:
I wish I could make it better. I have been following your blog for about a month now, and I am praying for your comfort. I am a more patient mother to my 14 month old because of this. I know that is no comfort, but it is nonetheless another wonderful part of Maddie’s legacy. I will continue to pray for you, and I wish I could do something to lessen your pain. No one should ever know that pain.
Molly says:
I wasn’t going to post again…I have written you several comments and I don’t even “know” you…but I wanted to say you are still in my prayers. I am a mom and I can’t imagine your pain…we have neighbors across the street who lost their 9 year old son last summer to a tragic accident and I feel that situation has changed me forever…I cannot imagine your grief and pain and anger, but I want to you to know I continue to think about you and your beautiful girl. I am so so sorry you are going through this. Please know you remain in my thoughts and my heart and I know there are so many strangers who feel the same way…
april in NJ says:
I too kept checking Mike’s blog to see how the first day went… and when he didn’t write… I thought maybe he was just busy getting back into a “normal” routine. I’m so so sorry to hear that he “broke”… but so happy to hear that you’re there… picking up the pieces. I haven’t really experienced death so I don’t have anything to talk about… but as other posters said, I’m sure you’ll never be the same. But remember… you loved each other before Maddie, you loved each other more when you had Maddie (I know seeing my hubby as a father has shown a totally different side of him and I love him more for it), and you’ll keep on loving each other after Maddie… after all, she was the perfect testament to your love… just because she’s gone, doesn’t mean your love for each other is. I hope I said that correctly… I always know what I mean… lol. sending lots of love and hugs from NJ.
Megan says:
Sometimes watching the suffering of our loved ones is worse than our own suffering. Hold fast and strong to one another as you work you way through this.
Megan’s last blog post..Travelling with a Toddler.
bessie.viola says:
Sending much love from Michigan. I pray for you both daily… and my daughter and I always color with the purple crayons first. We remember Maddie.
bessie.viola’s last blog post..bookworm
Heather says:
Mike and Heather, Im sending mega love your way!!!! My daughter turned 1 yesterday. I had a dozen purple balloons and after the part we let them fly away. I thought of Maddie.
JRo in NYC says:
Thinking of you today, as I do every day.
S. Renfrow says:
Rarely do I struggle for words but every time I read your posts, they shake me to my core. I do not know you but stumbled upon your blog a while back. It has had a profound impact on me and has reiterated the precious value of life. I am so sorry that Maddie is not physically with you and Mike. I am so sorry that as if the pain of losing Maddie wasn’t enough, now you two must endure the pain of rebuilding your lives. I am sure the dynamics of your marriage will shift and change- I just hope that the two of you can continue to comfort one another. Maddie would want the two of you to hold eachother even closer. I pray that you may not have another day like the one you had on Thursday. Ever again. I pray that you may somehow find the strength to get through these days. My heart aches for you two.
Michele says:
Wishing you both comfort while you grieve. You are in my prayers.
Trisha says:
Sending hugs from Florida. Thinking of you all everyday and praying for the slightest ease in your pain. Praying for you the strength to be there for each other and get through this somehow one day at a time.
Julia says:
The strength you show by simply getting out of bed each day is awe inspiring to me. Thank you for sharing your story so honestly and with such grace.~
sara says:
i am so unbelievably sorry for your loss. not having children of my own, i can’t imagine the pain you are in. i hope it will ease somewhat with time- maddie was such a beautiful, beautiful girl. sending thoughts and prayers from ny…
Isadora says:
My heart aches for the both of you! Much love to you guys!! stay strong!!!!!
Isadora’s last blog post..Headbands, a leak, and mothers day
Alexandra says:
I know, to see your strong spouse fall apart is an unnerving thing.
I remember feeling “rushed” to heal after a close family death. I cracked, too, I had returned much to quickly to work, and just sat in the car: physically unable to move my legs to get out.
It is too much…too much. ANd the time is never right. You just do it in increments. 4 hrs here, a little bit longer there. But you are different people: and your innocence is lost.
I wish I were there to hold both of you in my lap and just let you cry, cry , cry….till you couldn’t cry any more.
I love you, both….
Bonnie says:
I was thinking about you both this weekend. And I hesitated for the first time to leave a note on Mike’s blog because I thought- does it make it worse, to hear me say that I am thinking of you guys? Thanks for letting me know it helps, in whatever small way it can.
Hugs to both of you from Austin.
Bonnie
Bonnie’s last blog post..Hard working man
Audrey says:
Tears are in my eyes as my heart is aching for 2 parents that I have never met. Your pain is unimaginable. Your strength is amazing. I wish I could hug you both.
Jenn says:
You are such a good person, such a good wife. I wish there was something we ‘out here’ could do to take away even a little bit of the pain.
Praying for you, Mike and Maddie.
Courtney says:
My thoughts and prayers are continuously with you. Continue to help each other through this and hopefully each day will get easier.
Courtney’s last blog post..Looking Back
Judy says:
I’m sorry that the pain is so great and that no one can make it better, but you have so many people praying for the both of you. I hope and pray that you both can find peace, but you must lean on each other and the lord, to even make it through each day. I will continue to pray for the both of you and the rest of your family. Sending all my love and prayers.
Chris in NY says:
Thinking of you every single day. I’m hoping that this tragedy makes you a closer, stronger couple as you help each other through it. You will each have days in which you just can’t be strong…you just can’t hold it together…you cannot put on a smile and pretend that you’re “dealing” with it. That’s perfectly normal and sometimes you need another person to TELL you that you’re perfectly normal.
Hugs to you both.
Al_Pal says:
I think of you both so very often. So much sorrow and tears for your pain.
I hope to meet and hug you in person someday.
Sending healing vibes your way.
*HUGS*, Al Pal (VDog’s sister)
mandie says:
you are NOT forgotten! i think of your sweet girl often though i never knew her- her beautiful smile lives on in so many hearts. xoxo
mandie’s last blog post..8 months
Julia says:
I was recently at a funeral of an older woman. Three of her four children were there as were 10 beautiful grandchildren. These are the result of the rebuilt life she and her husband made after losing their first born at age 2 to cancer. There was much talk about the child they had loved so dearly and lost. But they also focused on the rebuilt lives she and her husband had made and the joy it brought them . I wish the same for you most dearly.
Lady Lemon says:
Oh, I completely get him not being ready for work, yet. Maybe he just needs a little more time to be ready for that step.
I am so sorry that you are both living with this pain. I think about you two and Maddie several times each day.
Wishing I could send you some strength and joy.
Lady Lemon’s last blog post..In the Garden
Tauni says:
I am sorry you have to deal with so much pain and I am sorry you have to watch your husband fall to pieces. What a blessing it is that you have each other. I will keep you both in my prayers!!!
Tauni’s last blog post..Another Crazy Weekend!!!
Heather, Queen of Shake Shake says:
Still thinking of you, every single day, still wishing you healing, every single day.
Ninabi says:
I cannot imagine the pain that you, as such loving parents, are going through.
Such good people as you are- life has been unfairly cruel to you. I am continuing to hold you in my heart every single sad day.
M. Butterfly says:
I have never met you, but I have been reading your blog for nearly a year now. I cried when Maddie passed. And even though I don’t know you personally, I say a prayer for you and Mike every day.
M. Butterfly’s last blog post..It’s May. Yes, yes it is. (Year Two!)
Amy says:
Just another random stranger who checks your blog every day, wondering how you’re doing, knowing you aren’t OK, and having no idea how to help you … Maddie was so beautiful. I won’t tell you how amazing you are, because I know you don’t feel amazing. You’re just muddling through this thing that got handed to you. You don’t have a choice.
I’m thinking about you both.
wendy thomas says:
Heather and Mike,
The two of you are in profound pain. Your lives have been shattered. When I was in pain from having my body shattered (literally, I was smooshed by a car) sometimes the only way I could get through the next few minutes, the next few seconds was to breath into the pain and realize that the pain was just pain and that I would somehow survive it.
Please don’t forget to breath.
wendy thomas’s last blog post..The Great Hamburger Experiment Meal 10 –Dirty Rice – 42 pounds to go
Christiana says:
Oh, Heather, I am praying for you and Mike – that God will renew your strength and help you both recover as much as you can from something like this. (I know life will never be the same – I know you can never “get over” the loss of your child. I know you never want to forget her). I know that Maddie is playing on the streets of heaven right now. And I hope that image gives you just a little more peace.
Christiana’s last blog post..The Mom Job*
jenni williams says:
Neither of you will ever be the same. No matter what part of both of you will still be missing. Hold on to each other the best you can. Break together and help each other rebuild. Be patient, dont try to be “normal”.
You both are in my thoughts in prayers everyday.
jenni williams’s last blog post..CVS Deals 5/17
Sarah Gould says:
Your words are heartbreakingly beautiful. I found your blog about a month ago and can’t stop reading your lovely written dedication to Maddie. It is the first thing I check on my computer in the morning, and I have learned so much from you. It has taught me to not take my own children for granted and cherish every moment I get to share with them. My boys were also born extremely early (27 weeks) and have endured three years of ups and downs due to their premature birth. Because of you, I now see the good in situations, even if things are not quite perfect. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us, and I hope each day brings happy memories to you both.
mama2addie says:
Sending lots of love your way. Hold each other close. Thinking of you guys daily!
((hugs))
mama2addie’s last blog post..Shreddin’ It
Jenn says:
Dear Heather & Mike,
I have posted to you many times before…a stranger from a distance, a “stranger friend” who will hopefully one day simply be…your friend. Last August at 4:00 in the morning I received a FRANTIC call from my very good friend. She was Hysterical. It took me a couple of minutes to wake up enough to be able to concentrate and hear her words “I’m at the hospital…. I think I’m going to lose her, they’re working on her now”. I desperately tried to calm my friend, ease her terrifying pleads to God and reassure her, our girl would be okay. After a while, she let me go with the promise she would call me back if she had ANY other news. As I quickly and anxiously got ready to meet her up at the hospital, the phone rang again. My heart sank as I picked it up. The voice on the other end was one I will never ever forget. It was eerily calm, expressionless – vacant. “She went to be with Jesus”, she whispered in an utter state of shock. My God-daughter was 10 months old. She was born with a heart condition but one would never know it as she was a vibrant, lively, happy, beautiful little girl who had the funniest little giggle! Her surgery was delayed 3 times due to a lack of space in the PICU. Ten days after the latest delay, after a wonderful day of playing outside, eating her favourite meal, “singing” and splashing amongst the bubbles in her bath, she woke up sick and 5 hours later, she was just… gone.
6 weeks after her daughter’s death, my friend went back to work and much like Mike, she also crashed. I received another frantic call during the day this time. It was my friend. Tearfully she explained how she was driving to work when all of a sudden she had a flash back of the night we lost our girl. She said she was “snapped out of it” when she heard the sound of this God awful screaming. Again the phone went silent as my friend gathered herself enough to continue her story. She went on to explain, as she looked around to see where the screaming was coming from, she suddenly realized the Primal scream that shook her to her core was coming for her OWN mouth but she was much too consumed and overwhelmed by the flashback to realize it.
The reason I am sharing this story with you guys is so you know, you are NOT alone and what you are going through is very “normal”. It’s really no wonder Mike couldn’t go to work. You just lost a HUGE part of your world and although LIFE is going on around you, in many ways, I suspect you feel like your life has stopped…and it has…for now. Like my friend, it was just too soon to go back. She went to the Dr’s and got a note for another 6 week leave due to stress. She explained how work was so hard b/c she suddenly didn’t have the liberties to self soothe herself when her grief over powered her. This along with the constant questions, condolences and simply reminders were just too much for her to bear.
I bought a lottery ticket and desperately prayed and asked God to let me win so, I could write you and Mike a cheque so you could take your time going back to work. I so wish I could take the burdens of life away from you…your bills, your rent, any loans, etc. I would buy you time so you could heal and catch your breath since this all happened so suddenly.
Heather….you are an amazing person. I went back and I read your blogs, watched your videos and took in every single picture of your beautiful daughter. She has and continues to touch so many people’s lives….including mine. You are a wonderful mother who is expressive and has the best sense of humour!
Mike, I admire your strength, the love you have for your daughter, your sense of fun and your sense of humour. You are a great father. Both you and Heather are so expressive, so honest, funny and so magnificent! I know it doesn’t seem like it, but it will be okay. Somehow, at some point things will be okay….never the same but okay. So many people adore you guys…even us Stranger Friends who have never had the privilege of meeting you in person. Although it may seem like at times like life is going on around you…without you, please know your family is constantly in the thoughts, hearts and prayers of so many people.
In closing this long letter (sorry it’s so long) I want you to know Heather that I am NOT going anywhere. If you need a friend…I’m here. If you need me to e-mail you every day….I will. If you need not to feel alone..I will remind you, you’re not. You have a huge following so take solace sweetheart and believe with everything we have, we will let you know every day if that what it takes’ , eventually, it’s going to be Okay and no matter how you feel…you are NOT alone…not EVER!!!!
Until Tomorrow My Friend….
May God Hold You and Keep You and Mike Close;
Your Stranger Friend,
Jenn
Jess says:
Love and prayers from Virginia.
Lisa in WI says:
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I’m sure everyone who reads your and Mike’s blogs wishes they could take away your pain.
You and Mike are the only two in your world who truly knows how the other feels. Be good to each other, take comfort in each other.
Lisa in WI’s last blog post..Haiku Friday
Elizabeth says:
An incredible post. I am so very sorry.
JustAMom says:
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. Not that it makes any difference….. but it’s true. My daughter pointed out purple flowers the other day as we were driving down the street “look at the boo-ful purple flowers Mommy” and tears sprang from nowhere. I told her those are beautiful Maddie flowers… I’ll think of your darling girl every time I see purple flowers for the rest of my life. And I will never, ever, take a day with my own child for granted. Your baby made me a better mother to mine.
Sarah says:
I am in tears. I’m sending you light and prayers. I wish no one would ever know this pain. March 9, 2009 was the day my life stopped. I wish you and Mike peace and love, as well as all the other parents out there who are swirling in the darkness. The physical pain is almost too much to bear, and the emotional pain *is* too much most of the time. I am so sorry.
Just Jiff says:
*HUGS*
I think of you daily. And Maddie too.
Just Jiff’s last blog post..summer is here!
ErinR says:
Praying for both of you. It may not be much, but know that plenty of hearts are breaking and grieving for you and Mike and your precious Maddie. I am so sorry.
Leslie says:
Robyn said it best “just know that from every corner of the internet, we’re all putting our cars in park from time to time and putting our head down on the wheel to cry for you. Both” I am still doing that – still thinking about you both and still praying that you hang in there. I am just so sorry and I wish I could do something, anything to ease your pain.
Leslie’s last blog post..Toy Envy
Karen says:
Thinking of you often and sending thoughts your way that the pain lessens.
Karen says:
I think I’ve mentioned the death of my brother in law in a reply to you or Mike … I can’t remember where though so I apologize if I’m repeating myself. My brother in law killed himself in 2004 and that carved a pit in my husband’s soul. It took some time to put him back together and I know how HARD that is, let alone when you’re feeling just as fragile. I was so afraid that I’d never get the man I loved back again… he seemed so hollow, so vacant. He was so different and his capacity to love was almost completely gone after that. He IS different and he WON’T ever be the same now – a part of him is gone. But the twinkle in his eye has come back and he’s doing great. Best of all, I’ve had no trouble loving the new person he’s become.
It takes time. Be gentle with yourselves and just take it moment by moment.
Karen’s last blog post..Did you keep your receipt?
Tina says:
Praying for you…
Venti Vixen says:
My heart aches for both of you. Though I don’t know you guys, I wish there was something magical that I could do for both of you or bring Maddie back. Sending you hugs and love from a ‘corner of the internet’….
Venti Vixen’s last blog post..Weekend Observations
Sandra says:
Heather and Mike:
I don’t know what to say, yet I feel compelled to say something. I think of you and Maddie often, even though I do not actually know you. Sending lots of love and prayers as you try to figure out this new “normal” ((((((((HUGS))))))))))
Miss E says:
Please know that you, Mike and Maddie are wrapped in my prayers. I still think of you everyday and my heart still aches for you. Wish there was more I could do… Sending you love and hugs from AZ. xoxo
Miss E’s last blog post..Confessions of a Schizophrenic Bookworm
Ginger says:
I am still sending you whatever positive energy can wing its way towards you, and hoping for the best for you and your whole family.
Ginger’s last blog post..I need to get a tougher hide, maybe Naugahyde?
Kayla says:
I know that no one will ever get over the death of your daughter, and no one ever should, but I hope that you, Mike, your parents, brother and all those who love Maddie will one day be able to feel better.
Katie says:
I’m no Bible scholar, but I believe the shortest verse in the Bible is John 11:35: “Jesus wept.”
I pray that you and Mike are comforted by the compassion and love of the One who experienced all of our emotions AND holds the power to heal our hearts too.
Louise says:
I like many don’t know what to write but feel as though I must – to know how many people are out there thinking of you. Every time, every single time I see purple I think of Maddie and her electric smile.
I don’t have any wisdom, just to take all the time in the world that you need, keep breathing, put one foot in front of the other…..
Marti from Michigan says:
OMGsh, I am SO sorry. I have fallen in love with you and Mike just since I started reading your blog via Flotsam. Breaking down is good, believe it or not. Its OK. God broke down the moment Jesus died on the cross — which is why the earth quaked and the skies stormed. Even though it was Jesus’ destiny to die for all of us, it still broke God.
This book is out of print now, but I think you can still get it online: “My Beautiful Broken Shell” by Carol Hamblet Adams. She has a website and I think you can get it there. Here is some more of it, which I hope will help both of you.
“As I look at my beautiful broken shell, I see that is has nothing to hide! It does not pretend to be perfect or whole…… its brokenness is clear for everyone to see.” “Lord, may I be strong enough to show my pain and brokenness like this shell. May I give myself permission to hurt……to cry……to be human. May I have the courage to risk sharing my feelings with others so that I may receive support and encouragement along the way. Lord help me to reach out to others….especially to the broken and discouraged…..not only to love them, but to learn from them as well. May I listen…..comfort….and give unconditional love to all who pass my way.”
I promise you and Mike continued prayer support, however small that sounds. From Michigan, I wish I could send you lots of money too, but reality is, I only work part time. I too wish I could win the lottery and send you a fat check so you wouldn’t have to work, either of you.
Might I suggest grief counseling………it helped me cope with my parents death, even though they were well into their 80s and 90s, and their time on earth was up, still, a person with Asperger’s Syndrome (me), I was very close to my parents and losing them was difficult.
With extra special love from Michigan,
Marti Birdsall
Amy says:
Watching your husband break is not easy, maybe because we are not used to seeing grief so visibly in men? My husband broke as we were holding our dying son in our arms. We are 4.5 years past that day but of course those moments are never far from my thoughts. We planted a tree in his (my son’s) honor and just yesterday my husband was admiring the tree and “talking” to it/my son in such a peaceful way. You and Mike CAN and WILL come back from this, but you are right, you will never be the same. You will be far better, in the end, for having had wonderful Maddie in your lives.
Peace to you and Mike,
Amy in Washington
Denise says:
All I can say is thank you for sharing the journey and I am so sorry, it just wrenches my heart to feel your pain.
Denise’s last blog post..Coldplay, Send Me A Postcard…
Danielle says:
Oh I’m so terribly sorry. I cannot imagine how much it hurts. Im so so sorry for your loss
Diapordia says:
I have no words, just prayers and thoughts of you. You and Mike will never be the same but you will grow and change into the people you are meant to become because of having known Maddie and having had your heart filled with her presence and her love. Honor the beauty that you two created and who watches over you now. Take your time to grieve, cry, stay in bed, scream, or whatever you need to do to get through every minute of the day. Cling to each other and care for each other and turn to each other to rediscover that which is precious and beautiful in each of you even as you are changed forever by this incomprehensible loss and the miracle that Maddie was.
Frances says:
I am so sorry Heather! You and Mike are in my prayers…time will heal all wounds!! Do whatever you have to in order to grieve. You and Mike are strong people and will get through this. Everyone just grieves differently..
Frances’s last blog post..CarrieAnne Sneak Peek
Jessica says:
I am so sorry.
Jessica’s last blog post..Armed Forces Day
Glenda says:
Hugs to you and Mike!
Andrea's Sweet Life says:
Honey girl, I would squeeze glue out of every orifice of my body if it would help you and Mike in even the slightest way.
I love you both so very, very much.
Andrea’s Sweet Life’s last blog post..Happy Number Two, Number Two!
Tracie says:
Heather and Mike…As a writer, it seemed natural that I would create a blog that doucmented by journey as a mother. However, after the birth of my first daughter, when I began looking at other “mommy blogs” I was so turned off by the negative tone and constant complaining of the blogs. I made the decision that blogging about my children wasn’t for me becuase, frankly, despite the sacrifice we give as parents and the tremendous transition we undergo, I didn’t have anything negative to say. I have always believed that it was my choice to become a parent and with that comes a tremendous responsibility and I never felt it was fair to my children to complain about raising them.
In April, a friend of mine from college (who I believe is a friend of your family) told me about Maddie. I started reading your blog to learn more about this remarkable child. I was, of course, drawn to Maddie, but what I love the most about you and Mike is that all of your posts were positive, uplifting, and joyful. You truly focused on the gift of being a parent and never focused or complained about the daily tasks that are often overwhelming, thankless, and hard! How lucky she is to have you as parents. How wonderful that you truly enjoyed each moment and created laughter in the “stress” of parenthood. Thank you for sharing your life and hers. I hope your story helps others realize how blessed we are for each moment we have with our children. Whether they are laughing, throwing a fit, or just being difficult…it beats the alternative. I am so sorry that such wonderful parents lost their most perfect gift. You have so much love to give, and I hope you work together to find some light in your life again.
Lora says:
Every morning when I wake up and go to my computer, my first thought is that I need to check on the Spohr’s. I check here, Mike’s site, and twitter. I am not sure what I’m checking for, I just want to be sure of you. That you’re there, that you’re getting support. I’m still holding you in my thoughts.
Lora’s last blog post..No Replacements
mythoughtsonthat says:
Faith….hope….love….peace.
mythoughtsonthat’s last blog post..This Kid, He Is My Sidekick
Abbykins says:
How could you ever be the same? The moment a child enters your life – it is turned upside down. From that moment on – your thoughts are CONSUMED by your child. What to feed them, how long they need to sleep, when they need a bath, what Daycare to take them to, what toys they need for developing correctly, which highchair to buy, when to take away the paci, which outfit to wear and the list goes on… Your child was taken away from you, but the thoughts that consumed you continue. Not to mention the gaping hole where her tiny body used to fit perfectly on your lap or in your arms. I don’t know how you shut it all off. Your thoughts about your baby have now turned into horrible reminders of what should be.
I am so very sorry for your loss Heather. And although you and your family do not know me, your experience and willingness to share it here on this website have changed me. I know this doesn’t change the fact that your baby girl is no longer here – but I hold baby girl a little closer now and I thank you for that. I hope my prayers and hope for your future can help you in your journey of recovery… Just keep putting all of those broken pieces together… Eventually they will form a new puzzle.
Ana says:
This is the first time that I have the courage to write here, as I have tried many other times and just cant make myself to do it. I dont know what to say… nothing I say will take away your grief and pain.
I am so sorry.
How can I love someone that I don’t know? I don’t know how that can be, but I love Maddie and my heart hurts so much for you and for Mike. I pray for you every day.
Mandy Brown says:
I have attempted to type a note to you after reading every new post. As I read the sweet messages from everyone else I just don’t know what to say. I think of you guys every single day. My heart hurts for you. My son is 9 months old. He is my first and he was born at 25 weeks. My family did the March for Babies here in Dallas in honor of him. I was updating my donation page when I read about you on the March of Dimes blog. Not only did we walk for him but we walked fo Maddie. My son came home after 3 months in the NICU on oxygen and has moved right along. He seems great but I don’t want to let my guard down. I am scared to death that something is going to happen to him. I have a pulse oximeter that I am am refusing to turn back in to the home heath company because I cant sleep at night if he is not hooked up. I came so close to losing him in the NICU the thought of it happening now is still so real. After I read about Maddie it made my fears legit and I think I have every right to be paranoid. My insurance company called me last week to check the status of my son and suggested that I may need to seek couseling through a psychiatrist!! I know I am not crazy! Please know I think of you guys every day and thank you for sharing your story. I looked at every picture, read every blog, watched every video, and cried many many times. I am so so sorry!
Andrea says:
I am praying for you and your family. I hope that you will lean on GOD and let him be the rock that holds you up!
Katie says:
You are both so strong. This ache, this pain, this breaking is something no parent should ever have to endure. My thoughts and prayers are with you constantly. I wish there was more that I could do or say.
Katie’s last blog post..Fading Fast
A faithful reader says:
This song made me think of you…
Val says:
I have been reading your blog silently since you lost Maddie, and now follow you on Twitter too. Every day I check in to see if you are making it. Wondering what you must be facing today. Feeling connected in your grief. Pulling for you to find a special way to cope.
I’m checking on you every day, and I’m saying a prayer for you each time. You guys have taken a special place in my heart.
Val’s last blog post..Saturday Morning Surprise
Suzie says:
Do not ever think for ONE minute that we have stopped thinking and praying about you guys!! We are constantly thinking of you and every time I look at my children…I weep for you and think of sweet Maddie! I ask myself the same questions that many of the people that post on here have asked themselves…”How come I feel like we “know” you both and love Maddie so much?”….Your beautiful princess has had such a huge impact on the world!! We are so, so sorry!!
Jen says:
Although I haven’t commented before, I have been reading and remembering your Maddie, and weeping for your loss.
s.i. says:
Oh my gosh…
I’m struggling with words to write here, because words seems so utterly insufficient, but I felt compelled to write…something. All I can muster is that I’m so, so sorry for what you and Mike are going through right now. My heart aches for you both.
Every week at church I say a little prayer for you, Mike, and Maddie. And I will continue to pray for you guys…that somehow, someday the pieces will come back together again.
Micki says:
You don’t know me at all, but my heart has been breaking for you all since I was made aware of your loss through my blog and Twitter friends.
I wish I could make it all go away.
I hope it helps to know that even though I have never physically met you, I pray for you.
Love to you across the miles,
Micki
Anne says:
I haven’t commented yet, but I’ve been thinking about you every day since I happened up this blog. I sincerely wish there was something that I could do to help even the smallest amount. Your words have moved me more than any strangers’ words ever have, but I don’t feel like you’re a stranger – just someone I haven’t met yet.
You are definitely in my thoughts!
Anne
Erin says:
I didn’t read through all the comments so forgive me if someone else (many other people?) have already suggested this. I have contact information for a wonderful, wonderful therapist who specializes in grief counseling if you are at all interested in talking to someone. She comes highly recommended through UCLA med center, and has helped me and also helped my one of my best friends when she lost her mother to cancer. Please email me if you would like the information.
I am sending you hugs.
Samantha says:
I know that it has been said before and I hope that it nevers stops being said but I pray for your family each and every day. I think of you and your daugher many times a day and also find it amazing that because of your loss you have made so many mothers better at what we do. Please remember that there are thousands of people that think of you often and will never ever forget your beautiful daughter
mommymae says:
i don’t have answers for you guys, only love. i think about you often and hope that you can lift each other up when you stumble. you are such a graceful woman in the midst of such tragedy.
mommymae’s last blog post..new music monday xix
Jennifer says:
I wish I had words that would ease your pain for even a minute. I am always thinking and praying for you and Mike and Maddie. May God keep you close.
Jennifer’s last blog post..Goodies galore
Alexandra :)(? says:
Whenever I respond to posts on Matt Logelin’s blog, I leave a happy face by my name, but here it just doesn’t see m to fit. I don’t want you to be sad either (of course we all know it’s unavoidable, but I still don’t want you to be). I wonder if there’s a way to making a crying face?
Anyway, when my friend’s baby girl passed away (at 2 months), she showed me this. I though you might like to see it.
Sleep, little child, sleep
Your soul is home
Deep in the heart of god
Weep not, gentle mother, weep not
For your little angel can be found
Within the song of every bird
The heart of every flower
The glow of every sunrise
In the sweet rythmic breath
Of every newborn babe
Witness the spirit of your lost child
I think there may be one more line to this…
Hope this helps,
Alexandra
Sue Mills says:
I can’t imagine the anguish. I too am a mother and I can’t imagine waking up day after day after what you two have experienced. I can only say how incredibly sad I am for you both and hope that each day gets a little better. My thoughts are with you both. I think of you often and my heart aches.
Debbie says:
Hi Heather and Mike,
I’ve been following along since Casey at mooshinindy posted about Maddie’s passing back in April. I feel for you and for your loss… I guess there aren’t words that will ever feel appropriate to say as a stranger to someone suffering as you both are. But if commenters are helping you… I just thought I’d send my love. It’s the least I can do if I am going to follow along.
Last night I watched “The Brave One” the theme of which is loss of a loved one and the grief left behind (along with revenge but we will ignore that part for my purposes here). One idea that struck me is that after such a huge loss, we can never be the person we were before, only something different, someone changed. And while the loss is hard, what is harder is learning to live and love in spite of the loss.
I don’t have any answers or comfort or wisdom. I just hope for you. That together you find a way to keep on living and loving in the face of all of your losses. Together you made Maddie, together you lost her. I hope that you will find a way to be strong together, forever. I hope for you. I think all of your readers and friends and families do, even though right now it might be hard to hope for yourselves.
Leona says:
I found your blog a couple of weeks ago as a link from someone else’s. I read through all the stories about your beautiful baby girl and cried when I discovered that she recently passed away. I have no words except to send my sympathy and to pray for peace of heart and comfort for you and Mike and your families and friends as you walk through this valley. I believe God walks through the valley with you and will see you to the other side, no matter how long it takes.
With deepest sympathy,
Leona
Leona’s last blog post..Update:Cowboys facility collapse
Amy says:
I cannot possibly imagine the pain you are going through over losing your beautiful baby girl. I have lurked over the past couple of weeks, and I wanted to extend my deepest sympathies to you. Maddie was such a beautiful girl…so full of spirit and SMILES! My gosh, just going through your blog and seeing her big grins make me smile. Maddie will continue to make people smile through your blog. I hope that you are comforted by the sweet memories of her. I am hoping that you and your husband will continue to heal, even though you will never forget what you’ve been through.
Jen says:
And here I was wondering about how you were doing, Heather, with Mike having gone back to work. It truly can be so hard when you try to go back to “normal” life, once nothing will ever be the same.
Thinking of you.
Jamie says:
I don’t know you. I am just a stranger reading your blog, having recently found you. I’ve read every post you’ve made and shed tears for you and your family at the news of your beautiful girl’s passing. I am truly sorry. Please know there are many of us reading and hoping, crying and thinking of you and your family. You have touched many in your grief. Truly these are dark days you are living currently, but there is much love around you and much hope for your moving forward. I’m not a religious person but I believe there is a balance to be had for all of us and you will find it in time. I’ll be thinking of you, and will keep reading in support of you and your family.
with love,
Jamie
Jamie’s last blog post..Inspiration from West Elm
lee2525 says:
I think of Maddie. Every. Single. Day. I’m so honored to know and love her through your writing, videos and pictures. Thank you so much.
My heart is with you both.
Anca says:
My life is not the same since reading your story. I appreciate life and loved ones so much more because of little Maddie and you guys. Be strong for each other. Thinking of you every day.
Krysti says:
Heather, I have been reading your blog for quite awhile and I am so sorry for your loss. I get a huge lump in my throat everytime I read a new post and can’t even find the words to respond. Today, I felt compelled to post something, anything. Know that I will never forget your sweet Maddie. She has touched so many lives. I will be keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Kay says:
Mike and Heather, My heart breaks every time I read your words. If only there were a way to make this better. I hope you know how many people you are helping though. We all gain strength because of you and don’t feel so alone. Every day I send love and wishes for comfort to you both.
Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba) says:
I wish I could hug you both. If I ever meet you, can I hug you both?
Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba)’s last blog post..I’ll take “Childhood Crushes” for $1,000, Alex
Lindsey says:
There was an article on Salon.com the other day and I thought of you and Mike:
“Honor it. Honor your grief. What you feel is right and true; it will guide you through this if you let it. If you need to weep, weep. That is the right thing for you to do. If you need to rage, rage. That is right for you; that is your grief directing you out of hell.
Your grieving is also a kind of burnt offering to the life that was lost. You are the altar of this burnt offering; it burns within you and on your surface. That is some of the sharp pain you feel: You are the altar of this offering yet you are not made of stone. You burn. You make your offering of flesh and spirit in a daily ritual of obeisance; your body makes this ritual of obeisance despite your wishes for it to stop.” (http://www.salon.com/mwt/col/tenn/2009/05/14/voodoo/index.html)
I debated about whether or not to share this. I am sometimes scared to comment b/c I don’t know the right thing to say. But I felt like this was saying that your body will lead you out of this grief, somehow. And that seemed like a tiny sliver of hope.
Keeping you both in my thoughts.
Lindsey’s last blog post..The Top Five Things Not To Say To An Infertile Couple
Jennifer says:
Oh Heather, I am so sorry…sending tons of hugs for you and Mike. I wish I had more to offer you. Just please know that you continue to be in my thoughts every day.
Debi Powell says:
So many people are praying for you both. We all know that what you’re living through is indescribable… the pain is more than anyone should have to bear. I hope that by blogging, you can see that we’re all sharing your pain, and your burden, in hopes it is a little lighter for you to carry. I think the only thing I’d be able to think in your position is that I’d need Gods mercy and grace to help me get through ONE more day… and each one is a mile I know. “Memories of Maddie”… should be a book you know!? We’d all buy it just to be able to know a little more about the worlds precious gift.
ps.. please continue posting little videos of Maddie! I love hearing that little voice, laugh and noises. I know you miss them so deeply!! The kissing video is priceless… and watching her wet sloppy drippy kiss her Mommy was breathtaking. She loved you SO MUCH and thats so clear in your videos! You and Mike were so blessed to be her parents…. even for a short while.
Praying for you both… one day at a time.
xoxoxoxox
Christy says:
Love to you both. Big hugs too. Thinking of you and Mike all the time.
Katherine says:
I’m so, so sorry this is happening to you. I will pray for you both every day. And please, if you aren’t already, consider seeing a professional therapist who knows how to help people through something like this and/or a support group with other parents living the same nightmare.
Like someone else here said, I didn’t know Maddie but I’ll never forget her. Never.
denise says:
Everyone is still thinking of you and Mike – daily – if not hourly. I would venture a guess that even more people are following your story now than there were even a few weeks ago. I have spoken with multiple people about what has happened to you both.
Not to be all icky or anything – but throughout the day I wonder how ya’ll are doing (yes, I’m from Texas, we say “Ya’ll” a lot) are you going out, are you looking for a new place to live, are you are you looking at pictures, are you smiling or crying . . .
Concern, I guess is what you would call it. Concern for the gut-wrenching turn of events that has changed your world forever. Are your in-laws being nice, are you running across anyone who has been ugly to you about what happened – although I can’t imagine how anyone who knows you (or knows of you) could be anything but heartbroken for what you are going through.
I think you both are entitled to say and do anything you want – in whatever time you want to do and say it in.
I will ALWAYS be praying for comfort and peace for you and Mike – I will ALWAYS envision Maddie as an angel in heaven.
SnarkyMommy says:
My heart broke just reading that. Make sure you don’t stop taking care of yourself, too. You can’t help Mike if you aren’t helping yourself, too.
Mary from WA says:
While I’ve never experienced what you are going thru, I have had a “dark night of the soul” where it seems the sun will never rise again. It took a few years for that sun to shine again & around that time, I had a dream that was so vivid that I wrote a poem describing what I saw. Years later, I shared that dream & poem with my sister-in-law & she put into pastels what I had described in words. Perhaps it will help you…maybe not now, but sometime. Meanwhile, you remain in my prayers.
As I can’t insert a picture here, if you’d like to see it, I’ve posted it on my blog: http://musingsfromauntiem.blogspot.com/
Vision—Rubble
A pile of rubble
Shards of broken pottery
Discards
Rejects
Garbage
A Man comes—walks through
the place.
Eyes piercing, searching,
Looking intensely…
He bends, drops to His knees.
Scarred hands pry through
the rubble.
He digs—carefully…
not because of His
hands, which crack
and bleed—opened
again at some ancient
scarred wound.
No—the care He takes
is for the shards.
These He holds carefully—
Mindless of the pain they bring to Him.
Rather, with gentle care
—as a caress—
He lifts each piece
from the rubble,
piecing together a vessel.
Searching for each lost piece,
bringing it back,
that the vessel might be whole.
No piece is overlooked.
Each fragment is valuable—
priceless.
The pieces found,
He turns back to His house,
cradling the broken vessel
in His arms.
Once home, the pieces
are laid out before Him.
He picks each one up
Remembering.
As He remembers,
He washes the piece…
with water & tears.
Washing away the grime
so that each piece
—though broken from the whole—
is beautiful again.
Then, painstakingly,
He begins to put this vessel
—cracked, damaged, discarded—
Back together again.
Each piece telling a portion
of the story of His vessel’s
life.
Time has lost meaning
as He works on.
On—through the evening,
and on, into the darkest part
of the night.
On—
never stopping,
except, perhaps, to admire
His work.
As dawn breaks,
the vessel stands
Complete:
each piece in place…
nothing missing.
Whole—whole, but cracked.
He fingers the vessel lovingly.
Running worn hands over
the cracks.
A beautiful vessel…
and yet…
The Potter gently kneads
His clay.
As He does,
Blood from His injured hands
is mixed in and through.
Then He gently applies
this new mixture to His
precious vessel.
Smoothing over the cracks;
filling them in until—finally—
they disappear.
Refined,
the vessel is placed in the
furnace.
The heat seems unbearable.
How is it the cracks do not loosen?
Perhaps by some power,
the vessel is held together in
this furnace of affliction.
Ah, yes: ‘tis the Potter’s
own blood which keeps the
vessel whole.
When, at long last,
the vessel is pulled from
the fire, the Potter’s
joy cannot be contained.
There!
There is His creation:
Beautiful
as before any damage
took place…
Only…more so.
The Potter’s joy radiates out…
and by some miracle, pours
into this vessel.
Filling
Filling
Overflowing.
The miracle of the Potter’s
Hands: transforming
that which was destroyed
into the perfect container
for His unspeakable joy.
~M. Magennis
Kristin C. says:
sending you both thoughts of healing….and rebuilding…love…
hope your worlds make a little more sense very soon.
Kristin C.’s last blog post..Organic Crib Mattress Giveaway
Debby says:
Breaking is so sad but what else is expected of you and Mike right now. How can you not break everyday. Everything your love means, creating a person from the two of you is God’s plan for husband and wife. You did that, the perfect little girl and now she is gone. How do you even get out of bed, eat, drink, get dressed, shower or even talk and walk. Broken is the normal for you now and that sucks!
I know that people move on, I’ve seen it with friends who have lost children but I couldn’t begin to figure out how. I wish I could help you, my heart aches for both of you.
Debby’s last blog post..HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEAUTIFUL
Mary @ Holy Mackerel says:
Boy oh boy, I sure wish I could help you in some way other than to write these words, which really hold nothing of any substance. I can’t even imagine the pain both of you must be going through. I am so so sorry for you.
Mary @ Holy Mackerel’s last blog post..How Does One Remove A Boyle?
TJ says:
Praying for both of you. I wish I could do something, anything. My heart is just so sad and I only know you, Mike and Maddie through this blog.
Holding you tight and praying for healing.
Leslie says:
I have been reading your journal only for a short while. I don’t even remember who posted the memorial to Maddie that brought me here. I sat and read every one of the posts, from start to the days after you lost Maddie. I felt as if I were on a beautiful journey that I knew was not going to go as long as it should have.
Your baby has made such an impact on so many. She is such a lovely angel … both in her photographs, and in the way she spent her too-short days with you.
I am so sorry. It is unimaginable to think I could even understand a tiny piece of what you are enduring.
Thank you for sharing your baby with the world. She has made an imprint on so many hearts.
Ryann says:
Starting this with the ubiquitous, “You don’t know me, but”…. I care about you guys, I am praying for you, I am crying with you, I am hoping for you.
Jacky says:
If prayers and wishes could ease your pain, I would have done so many times for you. I am so so sorry. This just sucks so badly.
I am praying…… I am hoping…..
I believe in the sun even when it is not shining
I believe in love even when I don’t feel it
I believe in G-d even when he is silent
May he help heal your pain. May your memories be a comfort to you.
Jacky
kelly says:
I don’t know you, but I can feel the pain coming through in your posts. Your grief must be unimaginable–the worst in the universe.
I will send you love and prayers…
You continue to touch our lives through your courage.
Jayme Q. says:
I think of you guys every time I look into my son’s face. I just cannot imagine what you’re going through. I’m glad that there are people out there who are helping you get through this — it just shows what a great influence Maddie is. I hope that tomorrow, and each day after that, is better than the last.
Michelle says:
You don’t know me and I don’t know you (personally) but I think about you, Mike and Maddie every single day. I shed lots of tears for you and have also had lots of smiles when I see the beautiful pictures and videos on your page of your amazing little girl. I have nothing to say that the others before haven’t already said to you….just letting you know that I am another ‘stranger’ out here that thinks you and Mike are the most amazing and courageous couple and that my heart cries for you. Sometimes when I read your page my chest just aches inside so I can’t even being to know what you’re going through. But I do know that it’s ok to break..your love for each other and Maddie will get you through this. I wish, like many others, that there was something I could do to help you and to take away your pain. So I’ll just send my love and thoughts and hugs and prayers. Thanks for sharing your beautiful daughter with us as well as your lives…you have touched SOOO many.
mrsmouthy says:
I know how hard it is when the person you always lean on needs to lean on you, and vice versa, at the same time. And how scary it is to go back to work, to resume “normal life,” when you know that it will put distance between you and everything that you’ve been experiencing the past month–the past year and a half. It just plain sucks. Are you seeing a grief counselor yet?
Becki says:
I lost one of my best friends last week to breast cancer. She was a wonderful daughter, wife, mother and true friend. I am still walking around in a daze and can’t believe she is gone. I know I can’t truly understand the pain of losing a child, but I understand the pain of losing a loved one. I wish you and Mike peace, love and strength and I really wish I understood why.
Issa says:
Sometimes breaking is the only thing to do. There is nothing wrong with it at all. The pieces fit back together, even if it takes awhile to find them all.
I know it doesn’t help, but I am thinking of you both. Hugs.
Issa’s last blog post..Snippets
Rebekah says:
Thinking of you.
Kerrie says:
Your words are beautiful and your daughter is the most beautiful baby. You are a very special family and have given so much of yourselves to all of us. That is such a wonderful thing. I know in my heart that, one day, you will find a place of peace.
Mindy says:
Sending hugs and prayers from a stranger in Wisconsin. I reach out to you and wish I could take away your pain. I cry with you when I read each of your blog entries and cannot fathom how you must be feeling. I pray that you each find the strength needed to be there for one another right now. No Mommy and Daddy should ever have to endure what you are faced with. I’m so very, very sorry.
Mindy’s last blog post..Lauren’s 1st Visit to the Children’s Museum!
Ann says:
Your words touch me to the core, I think of you every day. I am so sorry that your wonderful little girl was taken from you and Mike. I’m glad he decided to return home from work, sometimes your emotions are more connected to your body than to your thoughts. You are an incredibly kind and loving wife (and mother!)
Sending you hugs and prayers across the miles (from Ottawa), and I wish I could send you one of Maddie’s carwash kisses,
Ann
slouching mom says:
Aww, Heather. I am so sorry. Thinking of you, and Mike — always.
slouching mom’s last blog post..A Mean Mom, and Proud of It
cas says:
Just another stranger who holds you and your family in my heart. I think of you guys every day.
The Queen of Hyperbole says:
I am horribly, horribly sorry for your loss.
Michele says:
Give your pain, tears, anger and frustration to Him. Stay strong, you and Mike need one another more than ever right now. I’m praying for your hearts.
Michele from Omaha.
Julie says:
I’m so sorry about Mike, and about you 2 having to pick up each other’s pieces. Situations like these can be isolating for couples rather than bonding sometimes. I don’t know if people understand that.
My mom lost 2 siblings, and my best friend’s parents lost their one year old- they all say that nothing is ever the same again. Nothing the same but moments of happiness come eventually, they say. My mom said that she did not want to move on from the sadness because it felt like letting go, and she didn’t want to do that. My husband and I continue to think of you all and pray for you and Mike and Maddie.
Liz says:
Heather and Mike,
I’m so, so sorry for your loss. Every post I read makes me cry, and my heart aches for you even though I don’t know you. Your photos and words document the life of one very beautiful and happy little Maddie. Sending you best wishes and positive thoughts and even big hugs.
Liz
Ana says:
What an unimaginable nightmare you two are living. I am so very sorry. Of course I will continue to write – any little tiny bit I can do to ease your burden in even the slightest of ways. Thinking of you and Mike every single day. And remembering Maddie and her incredible radiance.
Kristi says:
Have just read through the 300+ comments here – there isn’t much I can say that hasn’t been said. I hope you find strength in the words of other parents who have lost their babies and children and that you too will find your way through this grief… and you & Mike may need to do so both separately and together, if that makes any sense at all. I experienced a traumatic loss in my life last year, nothing even close to yours, though and I needed and still need the help of a trained psychotherapist to work through the grief stages associated with my loss. Nothing will make the loss of Maddie any better for either of you but perhaps counseling might be the answer as to how to survive in spite of your loss… if nothing else it would give each of you a safe place to grieve individually and together. My words just aren’t coming nor do they seem helpful or adequate… just know that you are in my thoughts each day…
farrellmo@yahoo.com says:
I read so many times, but don’t have the courage to write. I think of you all the time. Pleae hang in there. I can’t imagine what you are going through, but please know there are so many of us pulling for you and your family. Your courage and grace is an inspiration.
Beth says:
If i had just one wish, i wouldn’t wish for material things, wealth or fame, i would simply wish that you could have your Maddie back.
I am soo sooo very sorry for your loss and your pain.
Amy says:
Much love, love, love to you. And I wish with all my being that were enough to make everything better.
xoxo
Amy’s last blog post..Countdown
Kat says:
One day, probably a year after my son died I had an amazing realization as I looked around at my family and realized that we all had changed so much, had so much taken from us, that we weren’t who we use to be.
The amazing thing that I realized was that we now had this strange second chance to rebuild ourselves and be whatever it was we wanted to be. All expectations were gone, we had already proven we could get through what we thought we could not. I likened it to military boot camp, breaking you down to build you into something new and better and different.
The old us is still there, the parts that were imporant. But we’ve had the amazing opportunity to just stop and strip all the things about ourselves that weren’t quite what they should be away.
It was very liberating and a turning point in my grief and healing.
Kat
Mindy says:
You both inspire me everyday. I love watching Maddie’s tribute video daily as well. Just refreshing. You are all in my prayers! I pray for your healing Godspeed!!! I am so sorry for what you two are going through. I truly am!!
Blessings!!
Mindy
Mindy’s last blog post..A Tribute to Madeline
Wendy says:
haven’t come close to forgetting you three. not close. you are still held so closely by so many of us.
Haley-O says:
*HUGS* — I think about you guys all the time. Wishing you healing and strength.
Haley-O’s last blog post..My New Baby….
Lori says:
I think about you and Mike and Maddie every day, but I’m just like all the others who keep it to themselves. I cannot imagine your grief and I can’t even bear to try. I’m just so very, very sorry. Please know there are so many out here like me weeping for you, praying for you, thinking of you and hoping each day is at least a tiny bit better. I wish I could hug you, both of you. I wish I could do anything but watch you suffer. I wish, more than anything, that I could bring your baby back. She is an angel.
Beth says:
I think of you and your gorgeous little Maddie often. Sending my very deepest sympathy and love to you and Mike.
Beth’s last blog post..Much better ??? (UPDATED)
Tina says:
My God in Heaven be with you two.
Sending prayers, love, and a hug.
Rachel says:
Your Maddie was so amazingly beautiful. I marvel at her sweet smile every time I visit your blog.
Here’s one more person holding you in prayer, and remembering Maddie.
Tina says:
Just wanted to add, that I wish I could take on some of your pain, grief, and sadness. To give you guys a bit of a break. Praying for you right now.
Kathy says:
All the pictures you have posted of Maddie are amazing. She radiates off the page with that incredible smile, but there is something extra-special about the ones where Mike is holding her. I’m thinking of you both, as you help each other stay afloat, and I hope tomorrow will be better.
Dawn says:
Heather your strength continues to amaze me. You and Mike are in my prayers daily.
~Dawn
Dawn’s last blog post..Nothing up this sleeve…Maybe?… or …A much needed surprise
Blue rain says:
Please please please just hang in there…I wish I could do something to make this better for you guys, but I dont know how…
This blog,your words and feelings, help me live my life. Mike and you, give strength to many. And I say this from the deepest of my heart, please hang in there.
All my love
childwoman~
Blue rain’s last blog post..The weekend awaits
Cindy says:
thoughts and prayers
to lift you up
thoughts and prayers
to help you through
thoughts and prayers
to keep you strong
thoughts and prayers
is all i can do
Kelly says:
I’m so sorry for all of the pain y’all are experiencing that I can’t even begin to imagine or understand. No amount of school or life experience could ever give me the words to express my grief over the loss of a little girl I never knew in person, but I know very well in spirit. As much as you are hurting, we are sending that much love and support back to you. Your family and friends will continue to be in my prayers.
Kelly says:
I also meant to leave you one of my favorite poems, because the words are so beautiful and I *hope* appropriate. I have yet to have children, and I have only lost grandparents and great grandparents so I do not understand your grief. My brother is fighting as a Marine in Afghanistan, and I pray that he will not become a person he must grieve. It is for him, and for Maddie, that I remember this poem.
i carry your heart
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
-e.e. cummings
Jennifer L says:
Someone listed your blog in a prayer request on MckMama’s blog a week or two ago, since then I have been visiting your blog and keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers. I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through, just wanted to send you some love.
jessica says:
my heart continues to break for you both over and over again. i honestly don’t know how Mike lasted so long without breaking in the first place. I can’t imagine surviving one minute if I would lose me son. It’s a very good thing that you have each other. Even when it doesn’t feel like you can do anything for each other when you are both hurting so much, having each other really does help.
keep your arms and hearts around each other and know that there are thousands, maybe even millions of people thinking of the two of you and praying for the two of you. the thoughts and prayers will last forever, not just right now in the beginning.
sending my love.
Ari says:
Obviously nothing I can say will make it better but… just wanted to be another person letting you know that you both are in my thoughts and prayers.
Meg says:
God love you both. I just don’t know how you can go back with everything so different now. Still praying for you.
Katrina says:
Oh wow. Just when I think my heart can’t break into any more Maddie pieces, there goes another piece after reading this post…….
I have a friend who lost a child at the age of 3 years old. It’s been just over 4 years now and she smiles, she laughs, she has found happiness again. She is the best mom to her other 3 children (she had two of them after her son died) and she has a very strong and happy marriage to her husband. They went through this awful grief together, and they came out of it stronger than ever. Not to mean that they came “out” and have no more grief. The pain of losing that child still hits them strong at times, and the hurt is always there at some level, always. But what I mean is that they came out of the darkness that the two of you are in right now — where it hurts to even function during the day, where it’s hard to even shower or get up out of bed in the morning, when it feels impossible that you’ll ever be happy again. This awful time that you are in right now can bring down even the strongest of people. My friend and her husband made it through and are building the most amazing life together, continuing on, still keeping their son’s memory alive in their home, but yet making new memories that are just as wonderful.
I know it’s going to be like that for you and Mike. You guys will make it through this darkness, and you will find joy again one day. We are all praying for that.
Nadia says:
Sending you love from Toronto
Amy says:
Thinking of you both today… everyday… always.
Much love being sent from MA.
wn says:
Heather, I’ve written a few times before…I’m another faceless friend. I don’t think any of us can say anything that truly helps….maybe generally….but in the small hope that even “generally” can help you with that daily glue…please know that I’m thinking of you, Mike, Rigby and, of course, maddie.
I’ve never been through staggering loss like you have…but I’ve been around those who have…do whatever you need to in order to get through the day, the morning or even your shower. I think that at this point…it’s about getting by, even when you think you can’t.
Much love to all of you, and please remember that you are stronger than you feel and we’ll be around to help in whatever ways we can.
marie says:
I did not visit your blog until after Sweet Maddie passed away and my heart aches for you both. I can not imagine at all how you feel. Know that even though I do not know you that I pray for you both. My neice is named Madelyn and we call her Maddie so everytime I say HER name I will think of your Maddie.
Keep the Faith
Randi says:
Every time I read your blog I sit, teary-eyed, and wish that there was something I could say to take away one small part of your pain, or to put one tiny fragment of your lives back together. But there are no words, nothing I can do that will fix this. Only time. So know that I send my love, that I think about you, ache for you, pray for you, and that I wish with all my heart there was something I could do.
Love, hugs, prayers
Randi
Lindsay from Florida says:
How horribly unfair this all is. And on top of that, society does not sanction men to grieve as they should (must?) be allowed to. I add an extra prayer for Mike today.
Jill says:
I think of you guys every day and send good vibes your way.
Jill’s last blog post..Friday Funday
Shal says:
I am aching for you and wishing there was some word, something, anything that could make this easier, more bearable.
hugs to you both!
Shelley says:
I want soooo badly to have the words that would glue your world back to the normal it used to be. But since thats not possible, I will just say that I’m praying that in your new “normal” someday there is light and happiness.
Hugs to you both!
BRITTANY says:
HERE IS A POEM THAT REALLY TOUCHED ME WHEN WE LOST OUR LITTLE BOY….I AM NOT SURE THE AUTHOR BUT IT WAS SENT TO ME BY A FRIEND A COUPLE YEARS AGO…
IN A TINY CASTLE JUST BEYOND MY EYE,
MY BABY PLAYS WITH ANGEL THINGS THAT MONEY CANOT BUY.
WHO AM I TO WISH HIM BACK INTO THIS WORLD OF STRIFE?
NO, PLAY ON MY BABY, YOU HAVE ETERNAL LIFE.
AT NIGHT WHEN ALL IS SILENT, AND SLEEP FORSAKES MY EYES,
I HEAR HIS TINY FOOTSTEPS COME RUNNING TO MY SIDE.
HIS LITTLE HANDS CARESS ME, SO TENDERLY AND SWEET,
I BREATHE A PRAYER, CLOSE MY EYES, AND EMBRACE HIM IN MY SLEEP.
I NOW HAVE A TREASURE I RATE ABOVE OTHERS,
I HAVE KNOWN A TRUE ANGEL, I AM STILL HIS MOTHER.
Paul @ Palabuzz says:
I am glad to know that you can cope with your lost. Unlike you I feel that I don’t have the strength to write another blog entry. Is as if I could hear him talking when I am alone.
Paul @ Palabuzz’s last blog post..Taken from Broad Daylight
LD says:
Hang in there– keep hanging on to each other.
Erin says:
Just wanted to let you know that you are still in our thoughts and prayers. I wish that there was something I could do to help.
Jamie says:
Thinking of you all and wishing there was something that someone could do or say to “fix this” terrible hurt you are both going through.
DesignHER Momma says:
Heather,
I read this post yesterday morning. I read it again last night. I read it again this morning. I come back this afternoon to finally comment.
I want to say something meaningful, something that will make you feel better. Words that accurately express how I feel. “I’m sorry” and “I’m praying” just start to feel so inaccurate.
SO, after reading the post 4 times, 48 hours later I still am not sure what to say. I can thank you for continuing to write and share. That is a gift you give that is not warranted or expected.
I will continue to pray for you. I will continue to think about you and Mike. You mean so much to so many people.
~emily
DesignHER Momma’s last blog post..A Homemade Gift even a Monkey could Master
WM says:
Thank you for letting us know what you need. Sometimes it is hard to know what the “right” thing is to do. I think about you both frequently.
Melissa Multitasking Mama says:
I am crying, just imagining your pain and I can’t find the words to say how sorry I am that both of you have to go through this incredibly impossible time. Don’t try to fix, just hold each other up as best you can. Prayers, prayers and more prayers set your way!
Melissa Multitasking Mama’s last blog post..Not Me Monday- the Chloe edition
jill says:
I can’t begin to imagine the pain of a daddy losing his little girl. I will hold you both in my heart and prayers always. You have taught me through your pain to love and appreciate my kids and husband even more than I did before because life is so fleeting, unpredictable and fragile. Blessings to you both. I am wishing you ever deeper love for each other and hoping you can be there for each other with open arms and shared memories and endless love for your Maddie. She will always be there in each of you. Look to each other to find her.
love from jill in upstate ny
Sandy says:
I had a dear friend who lost 2 of her children to muscle spinal atrophy. Both were only about 5-6 months when they died. Her husband went right back to work. He cried a little…but never “broke”. He never “shattered”….and he needed to! He went into denial mode.
As hard as it is right now to go through…he is going through the emotions he needs to so that he can heal and put the pieces back together. You will too. Different times, different ways, different phases.
Because we all grieve so differently it can be really hard. Just keep loving each other…and supporting each other like you are doing.
It is actually a really positive step in the slow path to being able to live life again.
Right now you are both in “survival mode”…..and that is ok.
Prayers to you both.
MG @ MommyGeekology.com says:
I just wanted to send a little more love, a little more support, a little more prayer your way — for both you and Mike. Our hearts are with you.
MG @ MommyGeekology.com’s last blog post..I wanna spend my lifetime loving you.
Amy says:
I have never experienced the death of a child (I can only imagine the worst grief imaginable) but have experienced the death of those very close to me.
Sometimes you HAVE to break down.. you have to experience the pain of losing someone so damned dear.. It is hard but the grief and sadness so crucial and understandable. No way around it unless you live in denial and even then it will catch up to you and yours in time.
Take it minute by minute, hour by hour. Time does heal. Not entirely but it helps…
Hugs and love to you both. Be good to yourself and each other..
lost indie says:
I don’t have a clue as to what you are feeling. I’ve never been a parent.
Like everyone else I have fallen in love with Maddie through your words, pictures and videos. She is SPECIAL. I grieve along with you…I wonder like you do. What would she have looked like at five…at twelve….at twenty? I’ve never seen such amazing eyelashes and eyebrows.
I wanted to share something I read in another blog. Danielle is a new doctor (pedialisuios) and has insight beyond her years. I know it’s not the same with you….you weren’t prepared! But it’s kinda the same.
Hope this is alright…
http://6yearmed.blogspot.com/2009/05/quiet-place.html
Melissa says:
the worst is when it gets quiet after…..the funeral,flowers,visits,cards and everyone goes on around you as if everything is fine and it is NOT and you want to shake them and run across the street and tell them about Maddie. Keep telling us about Maddie and Mike and you and Rigby. Fuck all the people with their good advce it stinks,sucks and only you know how to take this shit second by second. I think of your family everyday, I won’t forget and all I can do is that. I don’t know why God makes this beautiful world to have such a fucked up end. I just look at the flowers so closely,watch the hummimgbird on her nest, look at my kids faces and listen to the sounds.
Christine says:
Hold each other tight. Cry in each other’s arms. Pray! To see your spouse, your Rock, shattered, is so hard. Just let yourselves be where you are right now. There’s no where else you need to be. This is the time when you find out what you’re made of. The strength of your love and your committment will reveal itself now. You can do this!
I’m thinking of you and praying for you and will continue to.
God bless you both today and always!
Erin says:
Heather and Mike,
I am stopping by from a link from another blog, and so much of everything around you hits close to home. My son, premature, taken from me 30 minutes after he was born to a different hospital and a different NICU, came home, healthy, had RSV episodes and still has trouble breathing when sick due to a narrowing of his airway, he spent some time in the hospital. He is now just shy of 9 months, and healthy….for now. As I sat here at work and read through your blog, and saw pics of Newbury Park I laughed, just down the road from Thousand Oaks! I admire your ability to share your thoughts, your feelings and your life, for in just this short time Maddie has touched my very soul, she is a treasure who will live on, for a lifetime. Suffering a lot of loss in my life, I know there is nothing that will ever make you feel comfort the way you need, but know that I am sending nothing but the best thoughts your way and Maddie…beautiful Maddie, is smiling on you!
Take care of you,
~Erin~
Erin’s last blog post..Thomas’ 2nd Birthday party
rikki says:
Sending some glue. Hugs to you and Mike.
rikki’s last blog post..Why Kids Shouldn’t Throw Toys…
Jess L. says:
Praying that the hundreds of tears I’ve shed for your Maddie might save you one.
Someday I’ll try to put into words how you and your family have impacted me, but for now, just sending my love and support.
Amanda says:
Heather & Mike –
Many of us are still here – still checking – still hoping that today might be better than the one before. You are still in many people’s thoughts and prayers.
kerry says:
I wish you all the strength of your beautiful daughter to get through this. She will live on in your hearts and the thoughts of many, she touched so many of us through your words and pictures. Thank you for sharing your precious daughter with us.
Jocasta says:
I’m so so sorry
Tricia says:
I remind my 2 year old the color purple is special because of Maddie. She has given so many people wisdom and strength in her short life. I’m amazed by you and Mike for continuing to share Maddie’s life. Thank you for letting us all know this sweet baby and learn our time is precious.
I hope your days become more tolerable as time goes on. Wishing you peace and less pain.
Mary in AZ says:
Tears run down my face as I pray for you both right now. I pray that you will continue to be surrounded by those that love you. I pray comfort for you in the midst of this impossible circumstance. I pray for some version of peace in your hearts so that you will be able to rest whenever possible. May God be with both of you as you live each day one moment at a time.
RWBGrandma says:
I’m praying daily for you two and for Maddie’s grandparents.
Kim Carolan says:
Wow, my deepest sympathies for you both! Even though I don’t know you, I pray that you will be comforted by the people around you and that this can be encouraging. I write about grief, but I feel like I’m still learning what is really involved in processing. I hope that you are surrounded with loving people who will listen to you.
Kim Carolan’s last blog post..A Fellow Author
Kate says:
******hugs*******
I am so sorry. I am continuing to send warm vibes and prayers your way.
Kate’s last blog post..Moving on but staying put
Betsy says:
Everyday you are in my thoughts, each one of you! If each thought, prayer and petition provides you glue I will continue to pray with all I can muster! Not knowing you directly I do not have your address or email, but please know that the physical absence of cards means nothing on my front….continuing to stand the gap with you and for you!
Betsy’s last blog post..Simplicity
Dina says:
Thinking of you both. I keep checking your blog to see how you are doing. I so wish I had comforting words to offer you. I am thinking of you, Mike, and Maddie every day. I have never met you in person, and never had the pleasure of meeting Maddie, but I miss her. I’ve read through your archives and looked through the photos – and really feel for your loss. I wish I could more eloquently explain, but I have never been so moved, crushed even, by something that didn’t impact my “real life.”
It is so unfair. How could she really be gone? Someone so full of life.
I think that Maddie’s spark, her beautiful light will help rebuild your family. That is my wish for you. Sending you healing thoughts, joyful memories, sweet dreams and many beautiful new days ahead….
Madrid celebrates Maddie's smile says:
I’m so sorry for both of you and the situation!! I had been reading your blog for nearly one year. Hooked by maddie’s smile andf your humorous ways of writting. It was a complete shock for me to learn the news. I cried a lot and I still do it each time I read your blog.
But today I’ve eard something that Eleanor Coppola has said during her visit to Madrid (my home town): “You cannot use your pain as a shield. You must celebrate her memory, her presence between us” and she is a woman who has lost a son too. Maybe that would help a bit????
the biggest of huges for both of you!!
Susan says:
How are you feeling today. Thinking of you and wishing you peace
Susan
Celi says:
Thinking of you today. ((Hugs))
Durez says:
Hi Heather,
I am new to your blog; and have thus never commented. But I couldn’t not comment on this post. My heart was breaking as I read your pained words. I look at the archives and I see your beautiful vibrant Maddie; and I cannot even imagine what you, Mike, and your family are going through right now. I pray that, amidst your sorrow, you find peace in the memories that you & Mike created with Maddie.
My heartfelt condolences.
MommyNamedApril says:
he’s so lucky to have you there to pick up the pieces. ((hugs))
MommyNamedApril’s last blog post..A Tribute to Brothers… Being Brothers
Em says:
Praying for you!!!
There are no words I can say but I just wanted you to know that I am thinking and praying for you!!!
“Lord please comfort and heal these loving parents, please wrap your arms around them and grant them peace.”
Em
from Australia
heather says:
My heart goes out to you. I’m praying for you and your family that God give you strength and comfort.
Sarah says:
I keep praying for you both. *hugs*
Sarah’s last blog post..
elismsue says:
Heather,
Call me ELMER! I will continue to a glue for each of you. You and Mike are so brave to continue to blog these events and feelings through this journey of loss. You are thought of often and with love. He will make it back, as will you. Time…time is a wonder, a healer. Continue to be there for each other.
With love and purple kisses,
Sue
Amy says:
Every time I log on, and see Maddie’s smile, I smile. She still lights up the room. I send you strength.
Eunice Sarmet from Rio says:
Heather e Mike,
Eu penso em vocês constantemente, desde que comecei a ler seu blog. Reconheço as suas fragilidades como minhas, quando aos 22 anos fiquei viúva, com uma filha de 1 ano para criar. Quando Heather pede , não nos esqueça, não esqueça a minha dor, ela está se sentindo tão perdida que precisa de nossas energias para tentar continuar.Foi assim comigo também. Ao mesmo tempo, ela quer que não nos esqueçamos de seu bem mais precioso, que lhe foi arrancado abruptamente- Maddie.
Não há receitas, não há modelos, busquem sempre pensar positivamente quando aquela angústia avassaladora se abater sobre vocês.
Procurem se confortar um ao outro, busquem a paz juntos, rezem, cantem , sei lá…juntem-se, com as mãos dadas. Comecem timidamente, bons momentos surgirão e vocês construirão elos fortes para a nova corrente da vida. Não a melhor, não a mais bela, mais a corrente possível.
Love , Eunice Sarmet
Melissa says:
I hope this reaches you. I don’t know if you read these, there are so many.
I am a stranger. I have no children. I am unmarried. I cannot imagine your grief. I can’t fathom it.
But even so, my entire heart breaks for you and Mike. My thoughts are with you always. I think that broken hearts can be mended – they will never look the same, there will always be scars, you will always know that it has been broken, but I think that yours will mend someday.
Until you are able to hold yourself together, remember everyone out here who is trying to help hold you until you can. My thoughts, love, prayers are with you.
Restless Mama says:
I’ve been reading some of your posts ever since I heard about Maddie’s passing and for some reason this one hit me hard which is why I’m leaving you a comment. I’m truly sorry about what you’re going through; I cannot even fathom your pain.
I admire the strength that you have to even post about your pain and grief. My hope for you and your husband is that you are able feel happiness again.
We are in Hawai’i and would love to share some aloha with you. Would it be ok to send you something via postal mail? If so, please contact me via e-mail and read my blog so yo don’t think that I’m some creep-o depot.
My arms embrace you and your husband during this painful time.
Much aloha.
Restless Mama’s last blog post..Decision. Made. Finally.
Tina Hosko says:
I wish could be more than glue. God, I wish I could take away just one billionth of your pain. Love you.
kathy says:
I am so sorry for your loss.
It took weeks and weeks for one of my co workers to return to work after he lost his son in an accident. Coming back to work was tough; it will not feel “normal”. Plus you have different reactions from your co workers. They cannot begin to comprehend the depths of your grief unless they have been down the same road, they feel utterly helpless, they don’t think that saying “I’m sorry” is enough. It’s not that they don’t care.
It’s OK to break. It is just a step in the grief process. Lean on each other, your family, your friends. Do not be afraid to ask for help.
Again, my sympathies.
Kelsey says:
Hi, I have been following your blog for about four months now. I just have to say i am very sorry about what happened. I can’t even imagine the pain. But i want you to know that i am praying for you and you are in my thoughts.
Farah says:
I’ve been away for a while, but have not forgotten. While I was checking the usual facebook, gmail, etc…I remembered to type in: http://www.remembermaddie.com.
Still thinking about you guys and praying for God to grant you tons of strength and patience. Keep remembering the good times and don’t stop channeling your love for her into worthwhile causes, efforts, adventures.
One of the things that helped me cope with the loss of a loved one was remembering this:
“I cannot be sad. I miss her, but she’s only doing what she was supposed to do: Reach her final destination. We’re all only here on this earth for a short time and in the end, it’s not what counts. We can’t love this world more than the next. We just can’t. If we do, we’ll never learn to let it go.”
For me, it helped. It doesn’t matter what faith you are. We’re all working towards the same goal. Of course..this is only my belief.
Janet says:
I think about you and Mike and Maddie all the time, especially when I drive past that blooming Jacaranda tree with all the purple flowers on it. Thank you for letting us know that you DO want to hear from your friends & supporters. Sometimes people aren’t sure if they’re crowding their grieving friend, if they should give some space or not. It’s hard to know sometimes. And advice..I’m never sure how much to impart but the one thing I want to tell you both is to hold on tight to each other. Grief is such a powerful thing and it’s much too easy to pull away and retreat into yourself because it’s hurts to see your own pain reflected right back at you in your partner’s eyes. I know it’s a cliche but time does heal. You’ll never be the same people you were before you lost Maddie but you will someday be carefree and happy again. When you’re ready, you might consider joining a support group. Being around people who have also lost children can, who understand how you feel, can be very healing. Much love and peace to you and Mike
Janet’s last blog post..A Delicate Dance
Alison says:
I am so so sorry for you loss. I think of your family daily,donate to March for Maddie, pray for some of the pain to be taken away, pray for the world to reverse back and have none of this happen. I wish it were enough. Virtual hug for you all. I wish there were more I could do.
Kristen says:
Since discovering your blog about a month ago, I think of you and your husband every day. I watched your tribute to Maddie again this past week and soon found myself sobbing. Please know that Maddie has touched more people in her short life than most of us ever will. Your story has made me appreciate each day I have with my family in a way I never have before. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Lindsey says:
hang in there, sweetie.
threeundertwo says:
Wishing you both peace. Sending love and hugs.
threeundertwo’s last blog post..Lucky 8
Melissa says:
Not a day goes by where I do not think of you, Mike and Maddie. I hug my 10 month old son even harder. I cry tears over him while he is sleeping, thinking of you and Mike and knowing that you have an emptiness that I cannot fathom. After losing 4 previous pregnancies before I miraculously had my son (after a very, very rough pregnancy filled with fear, bedrest, depression and isolation), I never understood the word “hope” because I had lost that word in my vocabulary. But Heather, I pray that you and Mike never lose hope of getting through every day with the memories of Maddie and knowing that you were blessed with an angel who was given to you both for such a short amount of time, but the amount of love that she surrounded you in will last forever. Allow yourself and Mike a lifetime to grieve, but never lose hope that you will endure.
And I will continue to pray for God to give you and Mike strength, and love to help one another through this. We cry with you. My heart breaks. I wish I could wrap my arms around both of you and surround you with the feeling of love that Maddie gave you both. I am so sorry that I don’t have an answer, but I have hope. Something I thought I had lost long ago. I pray you too will find that again. Love to you and Mike.
Jennifer says:
Just lean on one another.. go moment by moment, talk and cry. Take time…
Lillian says:
i admire you for acknowledging the reality that this pain, this grief, this fucking agony is too much…it IS too much for any human to bear…remembering you, mike and maddie with such deep care…
Lillian’s last blog post..May …
LiteralDan says:
I’m glad that, at least based on my impression, Mike has an understanding employer. Otherwise it would just be piling troubles. Hopefully the next time gets a little easier, for every part of your lives you begin to return to. You’re both in my thoughts consistently these days, and as always I wish you the best of luck in everything.
Sarah says:
Just sending so much love and so many prayers for peace and strength for you both. I wish all of us hurting for you could truly lessen your pain.
Sher says:
Baby crying, tears, soft hair, fragile skin, yearning, ache, emptiness.
Eyelashes, tiny nose, squeals of happiness, curious, laughing, playing
Love
Fear, clouds, hope, loss, anger… I don’t want to feel that way. Come back. Crashing….
Wake up, wake up
Cinthia says:
Big big big big hugs.
darcie says:
thinking of you….
merlotmom says:
Sorry I didn’t read this until today. You are both so strong and brave. I know you’ll find the way to help each other because you both want to. I’m here whenever and however you need.
merlotmom’s last blog post..Give Me The Grateful Life – Monday
momexperience says:
I can’t even imagine your pain. You are in our thoughts and prayers every day. Maddie may be gone from this Earth but she is in the hearts of so many and will never, ever be forgotten.
momexperience’s last blog post..My Song and Dance
megan says:
I don’t even know how I ended up here at this post but I am sending one more stranger’s prayer up for you and your husband in light of your loss. I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose a child (I can’t really imagine what it would be like to have a child!) but the one thing I know is that in your daughter’s life the two of you made the world go round, you were here everything. Let that encourage you to be each other’s everything as you struggle with and through the grief. Peace and love and blessings to you both.
Jessica says:
This is my first time commenting on your blog, although I’ve heard sweet Maddie’s story numerous times. I just wanted to cry when I was reading this post, as I had read the post your husband just made above it. I can’t imagine the pain that you must be going through. I just can’t. I can’t seem to find the right words to type here to make you feel better. I only wish that I could. But, please know that I’m so sorry for everything you’ve had to experience and everything that is yet to come. I just pray that you and your husband, and the rest of your family, all those grieving, can find a peace at some point. I’m sure it won’t be soon. I’m sure that it won’t be easy. But, I pray that over time you do. I don’t know what’s right/wrong to say in situations like these, because fortunately I’ve never had to go through something so tragic, but I truly, with all of my body, mind and soul believe that everything happens for a reason.
So, whether it is through blogging, tweeting, emailing, calling, talking, whatever it might be, I hope that you find comfort in knowing that you and your husband can walk this path together. You must. I’ll be thinking about you. And, I hope to continue to stay in touch with your blog.
Jessica’s last blog post..Pink Cake
Laurie says:
I’m a new reader of your blog…new as in the last few months.
I can’t express how I ache for you, your loss and grief.
I am just so very sorry.
I pray for you to find peace, to heal…as much as it is possible.
I’m happy that you were blessed with Maddie, even though the time with her was cut horribly short.
I think about you every day.
My prayers are with you.
Laurie
movin down the road says:
going back to things that are normal are the hugest reminders that things just plain aren’t. Definitely don’t rush things, small steps, there are so many ways she is with you.
movin down the road’s last blog post..In a little while
Cynthia says:
Heather and Mike,
Both of you, along with Miss Maddie are always in our thoughts and prayers. Our arms are around you, hoping to give you some sense of comfort. Your “blog sisters” are always here for you, okay?
Michelle W says:
I’ve been busy with a move, but still Maddie and all of you have still be in my thoughts and my family starts another journey. Today I came to catch up and my heart continues to break for all of you. And it all feels so useless, my heartbreak that is, because it doesn’t take an ounce of your pain away, it doesn’t bring Maddie back to you. I want to DO something more practical than just tell you how incredibly sorry I am and how much you’ve impacted me, and that I will be thinking of all of you and praying in my own way.