The March For Maddie was on Saturday. Over 120 people signed up for our team.
This isn’t even everyone. Some people were late, taking the picture, handing out shirts, etc. Not to mention the dozens of other walks in Maddie’s honor all over the country that were this weekend, last weekend, and next weekend.
Mike and I met a lot of March of Dimes big wigs. We met Sherri Shepherd. She gave me a hug and mentioned Maddie in her speech. She also asked me a question that was hard to hear over the din. It was either, “How many weeks were you?” meaning how far along was I when Maddie was born, or “how many weeks ARE you?” which dude. Not pregnant. I weigh less now than I have in years. So we’ll just hope she asked the former.
A lot of people came up to Mike and me. We got lots of hugs from “strangers.” A little girl made Maddie a ribbon. There were cards from team members and blog readers. And a beautiful young woman came up to me after the walk, when I was being pulled in five different directions, and pressed this amazing drawing into my hands.
I didn’t get a chance to talk to her. I didn’t adequately thank her. I can see by her signature on the drawing that her name is Gabby. Gabby, PLEASE email me. Please. thespohrs at gmail dot com.
I spoke before the march, and Mike stood at my side. I have been preparing myself for the march for almost three weeks. Now it’s over. It’s all over.
A lot of people have said they think we are strong and inspiring. I do not feel strong or inspiring. Not that I ever have. But today has been the worst day. I feel like I’m full of hot, jagged rocks.
My arms tingle, and I remember that I’ve had this sensation before. When I was on bed rest, my legs would ache and tingle. I mentioned it to my Obstetrician, and she said, “those are your legs muscles atrophying. It is an unfortunate side-effect of bed rest.” My arm muscles are tingling because I am not picking up Maddie. I am not lifting her up, holding her weight, feeling her cheek against my chest.
I want my baby. Oh Maddie! I need you!
Carla says:
Oh Heather, there are no right words to say how much we have all been thinking about you and your family…..I wish there was some sort of magic I could send your way to make everything all better, just know how many people are thinking about you and praying for you during this difficult time….much love is being sent your way….
Nanette says:
Sweet, sweet girl. You and Maddie both.
Nanette’s last blog post..Solid as a rock
Antonia says:
Heather I wish I had the words to let you know you’ll be ok. I know nothing will erase this pain and nothing should, you have every right to every feeling and emotion you are feeling.
The picture is beautiful
Krystal says:
I love you. I don’t even know you and I love you guys. My heart aches for you, even though I don’t know what the pain feels like. I want to make you feel better and don’t know how. I want you two know you are always in my thoughts, and running acrossed my mind.
Krystal’s last blog post..Spring Roses on Earth Day
Sheila says:
Sending you lots of love and my good thoughts in this difficult time for your family.
Duchess/Jenn says:
I second what Krystal said, your family is my family’s thoughts. Wishing there was something, anything we could do, I have had that ‘jagged hot rock’ feeling and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.ever.
Duchess/Jenn’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Purple For Maddie
Cindy says:
Heather, I love your picture. It’s so intense and beautiful. When I look at it I feel as though you are looking right at me, that you are in the room with me. It compels me to want to reach out and hug you. I wish I could… My heart has been heavy and aches for you. What a sweet precious pea your little Maddie was! When I look at pictures of her I can’t help but smile…it’s contagious! Words seem so inadequate, so I pray you may feel peace in your heart.
Karen (miscmum) says:
What an amazing drawing. This made me cry, again. I can’t even imagine. I think of your family constantly. xxxx
Karen (miscmum)’s last blog post..Adam’s reading pile, late April ‘09
Kristen says:
What a beautiful tribute to your Maddie. You are both so beautiful in that photo. I’ve been reading your archived stories over the past few weeks. Like you, I also had PPROM with my daughter, 6 1/2 years ago. I wish I knew the words to say to comfort you and Mike, but I know that your hurt is just overwhelming right now. You are in my thoughts everyday.
Jamie in the WA says:
Heather, My heart goes out to you, especially in these tough tough moments. Your life is inspiring, despite you feeling unworthy. Your Maddie was so very special and we’re so privileged to be sharing it with you. I wish we could take away the pain, even a sliver of it for you. No mommy should ever have to bear the pain you are feeling. Hang tight, hang in there, hang on to Mike, hang on to your faith, hang on to your honesty, and hang on to your memories of that precious daughter. She was so wonderful to leave you with so much joy for memories. I know it makes it hard, too. Words just have no way of expressing my empathy for you. You are loved, and have more friends than you can imagine. Sending you love and prayers, ~~Jamie
Noelle says:
Heather, I’ve followed every step of your journey and my heart just aches for you. You can never know how much it means to the world that you have shared your beautiful Maddie with us. I wish we could all do something to lessen your grief. Hugs.
Bec says:
No words just love. I wish there was more I could do for you
Formerly Gracie says:
Oh sweet Heather. I am so sorry.
I’m one of the many strangers who’s been reading your blog everyday… sometimes multiple times a day… just to see how you’re doing, look at photos of precious Maddie, or simply grieve with you. I can’t even imagine the depth of your pain and emptiness. I am just so, so, so sorry.
T@SendChocolate says:
Oh Heather. That drawing is amazing. I hope you find Gabby. And again, I am crying. I wish I had words.
I wish.
T.
Rebecca says:
Heather – I know you need your beloved baby. I know how empty your arms feel. I am thinking of you and Mike often. There is nothing more I can say, and what I’ve said is not really that helpful.
Eileen says:
I am so sorry for your pain.
amanda says:
I would imagine that it has been a bit of a blessing to be able to focus some of your energy towards the March. And you did a tremendous job. And you, Mike and Maddie helped so many babies. But that can’t fix your hurt. And while you ARE strong, and SO MUCH an inspiration, you’ve gone through the worst loss. And I can’t imagine the pain. I don’t think I would be standing. But you’ve stood. And more than that, you marched. And you will continue to march, for Maddie, and all the other babies who need help. And so that’s one of the many reasons we see you as strong, and inspirational – no matter how (so understandably) destroyed and weak you may feel now. With so much love….xo from CT, Amanda
Elaine says:
Like many, I found your blog unfortunately only after Maddie became ill. Like many, I’ve been deeply touched by your beautiful little girl and her amazing grin, as well as the grace the two of you have shown. My own niece is named Maddy, and that may have pulled me a little closer at first. But then I was pulled in by your brave, beautiful little Maddie herself.
I have no words of wisdom. Except…now let yourself do, and feel, whatever you need. Up to now you’ve focused on the March for Babies and Maddie’s service, and that’s probably been good for you. Now, just listen to what you need and satisfy it. If it’s going deep inside somewhere and shutting the world out for a while, do it. If it’s going away somewhere, do it. Whatever helps. Because in some ways, without something to focus on, you are likely to be a bit lost for a while now. I saw it happen with my mother, who in some ways hit her toughest time after my Dad’s service was over; she’d turned all her immediate energy after his passing on that.
Take care of yourselves. Many, many people around the world — I’m in Japan — are pulling for you, checking in, wishing the best, remembering and loving Maddie.
Krissa says:
The drawing is amazing. I am sure Gabby will read your post and email you. … Like so many others, I am thinking of you and your family every day. May you find comfort in the love that bonds you together through all things.
Rachel says:
I am just reading about Maddie. My heart breaks for you. For your loss and for sweet Maddie. She is breathtaking. Beautiful. My thoughts will be with you. Many, many thoughts will be with you.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Beautiful drawing! And I love the picture of you and Maddie together. She is thoroughly asleep on your shoulder. She clearly felt safe and loved.
Sending a big hug, and hoping you get lots of real hugs this week.
Kristen says:
I am just… just… ‘sorry’ isn’t big enough.
La Petite Belle says:
I’m so sorry for your pain.
Jackie says:
Love you!
Jackie says:
Love you my monchichi!
Mom24@4evermom says:
I’ve been so worried about this day for you. I can only imagine how impossibly hard it must be. I hope you can draw some comfort from all the support in the cosmos for you and Mike. We’re all pulling for you.
Domestic Extraordinaire says:
xoxo
Midwest Mommy says:
Wow, that drawing is amazing! I hope Gabby emails you. I thought about you and Maddie all weekend. Your speech was great.
Tami says:
Oh this brought tears to my eyes. I wish I could put her back in your arms. I really do. It has to be so hard to get threw day by day seeing her pictures and seeing her big smile. My heart breaks for you both. The Photo is very beautiful. I love the one of you and her. You can tell she feels safe with you. Hugs to you,
sam {temptingmama} says:
It’s been a complete whirlwind the last three weeks, you’re strong and wonderful. Maddie is proud of her mama, that’s for sure.
*hugs* friend.
Just *hugs*.
Bridget says:
xoxo
Jen says:
my heart is breaking for you. i wish i could give you your little girl back. I know maddie would be proud of you.
Jennifer says:
Heather, I am one of the many “strangers” that stumbed upon your blog (via mattlogelin.com) and have fallen in love with you and your family. Maddie was ADORABLE and so full of life, energy, and humor. After reading your blog and Mike’s, it’s obvious where she got her charm from. You two are hilarious and I adore both of you, even though I’ve never met you. My heart aches for both of you and I can’t begin to imagine the hell you must be going through. Like everyone else, I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better, but the reality is, there’s nothing any one can say.
I follow another blog written by a mom who lost her first daughter to cancer at 18 months old. I started reading her blog when her daughter was sick, and was heartbroken reading along as she got sicker and sicker, and sadly, died. In the months afterwards her mother wrote a lot about her emotions and what she was going through. One of the things that stuck with me was something that another bereaved parent told her. The pain that you are feeling now will never really leave you. You will learn to live with it, but just as the joy that Maddie brought you will never go away, neither will the pain of losing her. You wrote once about the scars on Maddie’s body and how they represented the struggles she went through. You now have your own scars, that will forever shape the rest of your life.
But….Heather – There WILL be more joy in your life. You WILL survivie this. Your life WILL go on. Maddie legacy WILL NEVER DIE.
You mentioned in your MOD speech that “happenstance” has brought a lot of attention to Maddie’s story. I don’t believe in “happenstance.” There is a reason for all of this. Your story has touched hundreds, thousands of people. Maddie, in her short but important life, has brought so many of us together and has given so much awareness to MOD and the vital work that they do.
In Matt’s blog, he said that if we read Maddie’s story, we would never forget her. He was right. I’ll never forget her.
Lora says:
I’m aching for you. I’m so sorry that the hurt is so very huge.
april says:
I’m so sorry Heather. Not that this compares… but I had a miscarriage with my 2nd pregnancy and I remember just crying to my hubby that I wanted my baby back. I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling. I knew the MOD walks were this weekend and you wouldn’t believe how much purple I saw this weekend. And everytime I saw purple… I thought of your baby Maddie. I’m sure if everyone who reads your blog could give up one thing so that you could have your baby back… we’d all do it. Our mother-hearts grieve FOR you and WITH you Heather… never forget that you’re not alone. Sending big hugs from NJ to you and Mike!
Jen says:
My heart breaks so much for you. I wish I was able to put your baby back into your arms. My in laws lost their daughter to cancer. I watched their grieving. I know this is hard, but one day it will get better. One day there will be something to make you smile. One day remembering Maddie will bring smiles instead of tears.
Your speech was well done. I admire your courage. I am constantly calling you my hero. I am not sure if I was in your shoes if I would be so strong. You should also be proud of all the fundraising you raised! Way to go! Who needs Hugh Jackman!
The picture that Gabby did was FABULOUS. I hope she emails you.
If you ever want to get away, I live in Toronto. Come one over for a visit! I feel so helpless in what I can do to help you. I wish I had a magic wand.
Take care. remember I am thinking of you and praying for you.
Colleen says:
I cry with you for the loss of your beautiful girl. There are simply no words that could possibly help ease your pain. The drawing Gabby did is beautiful and so captures those sun shining eyes of Maddies. On the weekend after reading http://www.mattlongelin.com I began to think. I bet Liz is up there right now, snuggled with Maddie on her knee, telling her about the amazing things that are happening down here, how much her family loves and misses her and what a difference she has made in the world.
Your love for your daughter has spread across not just a country, but countries! You’ve all made a huge impact in our lives and made me a better mom. For that I could never thank you enough.
Elizabeth says:
Thinking of you and praying for you
ArdenLynn says:
We missed the walk in Central Ohio. We were at home with our ex-27 weeker helping him recover from a Thursday surgery. It seemed appropriate somehow. My whole NICU/preemie experience has left me too raw. I need more space before I’m ready to take on the cause.
There are no words to comfort you. I am just so sorry. My little boy weighed 1 lb. 13 oz., has BPD and came home on oxygen. I understand how much time you spent taking care of your baby and the void that is left. I really wish it had turned out differently for you family.
Suzanne says:
I would give anything to put her back in your arms, and I absolutely ache for the loss you are enduring. We believe in you and we’ll be with you in spirit on your journey — following your words, crying, and holding you, Mike and Maddie in our thoughts.
maya says:
I love you.
Amazing Greis says:
Sending many (((HUGS))) from Texas. You, Mike & Maddie continue to be at the forefront of all my thoughts. Know that you are strong and loved and though it WILL take time things will get easier.
Love to you!!!!
Jennifer says:
Oh Heather–I know you want and need your baby more than anything. I wish we could do something to ease your pain…
You are a huge inspiration though and and you did an amazing job on your speech.
Christine says:
Big hugs. I wish there were better, I wish I could promise it would be better. Much love from over here.
Christine’s last blog post..The daytime of the night…
kristen says:
my family walked yesterday in new haven, connecticut for my nephew, timmy, and for your daughter maddie. a very brave family stood and spoke to us at the starting line and they said something that i wanted to share with you: “all a parent wants to do is protect their child and give them a good life. we did that for danika and dominic during their too-short time with us, and we do that now by supporting march for babies in their name.” you were in my heart yesterday during the event and i think these words are so true – by sharing maddie’s life with us strangers, you share her life of goodness and giggles. and you make me want to be a better mom.
hugs,
kristen
Karla says:
Heather, I only discovered this blog recently through Matt’s blog and I can’t express how sorry I am for your loss. I’m only 17 and can’t even begin to comprehend what you must be going through. I admire you so much and wish there was something, anything, that I could do to help. Every time I come on here I end up crying.. thank you for sharing all of this with us.
annie says:
I remember mothers who lost their children in the Oklahoma City bombing talking about their aching and tingling arms. My friend Jill went through the same thing when her son died. Please know that there is so much love, prayers and good thoughts coming your way every minute of every day. The picture is stunning.
annie says:
One more thing…I saw pictures of you from Saturday and you do NOT look pregnant.
Janine says:
My heart just bleeds for you. The pain can be unbearable, the road is long and hard but you have your memories and your love to keep you going and I hope that can keep you positive when you need it most.
Janine
xx
http://losingourjamie.blogspot.com
julie says:
Hi Heather. I just wanted you to know that we are still thinking of you every day. Maddie is very much alive in our hearts. It must be beyond excrutiating to not have her there with you. I am not very religious but have to believe that she is smiling upon you, loving you every single day, and peaceful in knowing you will meet again. Lots of love to you all.
Lisa says:
Oh Heather. I don’t even know what to say, cause nothing I say will make much difference. Just sending you great big ((hugs)). Know that I am still thinking of you every day. You are strong, I saw your speech from Saturday (a video anyway) and you and Mike are both very strong.
Lisa’s last blog post..Weaning from Before Nap Nursing Session: Day Four
Danes says:
I love you
Nicole says:
Heather,
My heart aches for you and Mike. Your Maddie will be with you always.
There really are no words. Please know that you will be ok.
Nicole
Alli says:
Oh bless you. Bless you. I love your honesty and truth behind your feelings. Oh how I wish I could take your pain away from you, even for just a day, or give you magic words to help. I discovered your blog through Matt’s and have added yours and Mike’s to mine to follow. You both are amazing in your words. Maddie will forever be in your hearts and everyone’s she touched. She was a very blessed child to be with you both in her short life. I have never seen such a happy girl! she was clearly happy because of you both. Our goal in life is to just be happy, and you made that possible for her. Bless you.
Hugs and love from afar (TX) – Alli
js1 says:
Heather – I too come to your blog from one of my blogging friends who posted your story. You are an inspiration, even if you don’t feel like you are. Channeling your efforts to have a March for Maddie and to speak out to hundreds of people is truly inspiring in the face of what you (and your family) are experiencing right now. I ache for your loss, but you are doing a wonderful thing. I read about your beloved Maddie and I feel the joy that you experienced during her life. Its special and sacred and pure. Its both feel good and heart breaking at the same time. I wish peace for you and your husband and for strength to deal with your loss. I read your blog and have never commented – but I somehow feel that if you know that there are people out there virtually willing you the strength day-to-day to move forward, that it will somehow help you to press on. God bless –
catherine lucas says:
I know you do sweetie… I know you need your baby…
catherine lucas’s last blog post..Chicken Paradise
andrea says:
Heather, Maddie is with you, ALWAYS. Her legacy lives in the hearts of all she has touched, especially her parents. God Bless you.
Angie says:
I know nothing I write can ease your pain but had to add that I think of you and your beautiful daughter everyday. May you find some peace in a very unfair world. …Sending love your way.
JRo in NYC says:
Heather,
I wish there was more I could do. I think about Maddie and see pictures of Maddie and her beauty (not just external) makes me smile. I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. It is incredibly unfair.
Be well.
Jen
Jamie says:
We are strangers, but if I could take any of your pain, I would. I know I’m not the only one. I wish the tears the other people were crying with you would ease some of yours. I’m sorry seems so small, but there it is.
And I want you to know (and please never forget) that you are an AMAZING mother. I hope you don’t ever feel that you aren’t. Because you are. (and Mike is pretty darn amazing too <3)
Jamie’s last blog post..Tied up…
Jamie says:
BTW-Gabby would also be a rock star because that drawing is INCREDIBLE.
Jamie’s last blog post..Tied up…
Sabrina says:
The strongest and most inspiring people rarely believe they are strong and inspiring. You are both.
I wish there was more I could do for you. I’m so sorry.
Bonnie says:
What a wonderful tribute to Maddie with a team that size and all over the country. I know there was one walking in Austin. But today…just take a day for yourself today. You need it and deserve it. Thinking of you and Mike.
Bonnie’s last blog post..The Great Paint Party 09!
Sarah B says:
My heart is broken for you. I’m praying for you and thinking about you and your family and especially your beautiful little girl.
Amy says:
That is a beautiful drawing… and the picture in your post is just too sweet for words. I miss your Maddie for you as well. Hugs to you and Mike today. One day at a time, minute by minute….
Tamara M. says:
You are loved. Your Maddie is loved. Mike is loved. To the moon the stars and back again 5 billions times.
None of us can take away your terrible, terrible pain but we are all standing by you to help you go through it.
Trish says:
I’m so sorry that you’re in such pain. I wish there were some way to ease it. I wish there were words in existence that could somehow make it better. More than anything, I wish there were some way to return your daughter to your arms, where she belongs.
Thoughts and prayers are with you. I’m sorry.
Trish’s last blog post..Proof that urine is acidic
Aimee says:
I so know the feeling of being “full of hot, jagged rocks”. I’m sorry. know that you are not alone. much love.
Dana Zap says:
Oh Heather, it breaks my heart to know the pain you’re going thru…I would do anything to help take even a fraction of it away, to help you breath, to make your arms stop tingling…I know you’re missing Maddie so darn much…You will ALWAYS have her with you, her memory and legacy will never ever die. She has touched too many souls for that to ever happen. I know nothing we say is going to stop the pain of missing her and wanting to hold her. Just know that the world is grieving with you. I think of you, Mike and Maddie at least 20 times a day…
I really wish there was more that I could do to help you…
Dana Zap’s last blog post..Sun, Apr 19, 2009
April says:
You don’t have to be strong for us or anyone right now. Please allow yourself the grieving process. It’s okay to ask for help, too. Being “strong” is not something you have to prove or feel for us to know that you are strong. But I do hope that one day, you’ll feel it, too.
moosh in indy. says:
love you hedder.
that is one of my favorite pictures of you.
GO EAT OREOS. STAT.
moosh in indy.’s last blog post..UT, LA, CAN in IN.
Katie says:
I can’t even comprehend what you must be going through – but you are in my prayers.
Katie’s last blog post..
HeatherPride says:
Oh God, Heather. I’m just so sorry. I hurt for you. xoxoxo
HeatherPride’s last blog post..Marching for Maddie
Mishelle says:
Your ache is our ache. I’m so sorry we are aching.
Mishelle’s last blog post..Weekly Winners LXXV
Jayme Q. says:
You’re wrong – you’re so strong, but you don’t even know it. That’s part of what makes you such a huge inspiration. You’re changing so many infants’ lives by telling Maddie’s story and championing your wonderful cause and reminding people what’s at stake here. I’m still so, so sorry for your loss. But I’m so in awe of what you’ve been able to do with your sadness.
I hope you’re able to get in touch with Gabby. That’s an amazing sketch of such a beautiful girl.
andi says:
Oh, Heather. You and Mike are so strong. Being strong doesn’t mean never breaking down and not being heart-broken. How couldn’t you be completely shattered over what’s happened? Being strong sometimes just means surviving. Being able to stand. Being able to speak and write about your beautiful Maddie.
Sending hugs your way and wishing there were something more we all could do for you, my friend.
won says:
Wow..the pencil sketch gave me chills. When Olivia was dying, I went to the mailbox and found a pencil sketch of her drawn by someone on the internet. It was framed and hangs beautifully in the hallway now.
That is quite a coincidence. Mine is not signed by the artist. It only bears the year-2004. I wonder if it could be the same person.
I understand your desperation. I am sorry.
won’s last blog post..Do as I _____ (a fill in the blank)
CastingCares says:
My heart is aching for you and wishing you could hold your dear Maddie again. Praying for you today. Wish I could do more.
Anna Marie Hinnant says:
I’m so glad you are still writing – my heart aches for you and Mike, and I miss Maddie so much, even though I never met her.
Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing, and it will start to get better.
Jenny says:
The Cord
We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.
It’s not like the cord
That connects us ’til birth
This cord can’t been seen
By any on Earth.
This cord does it’s work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.
I know that it’s there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.
The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can’t be destroyed
It can’t be denied.
It’s stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.
And though you are gone,
Though you’re not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised…I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.
I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can’t take it away!
Author unknown
Your precious, ethereal, little angel has touched more hearts then you will ever know.
Kristabella says:
I just want to let you know I’m thinking about you and Mike and sending you love and hugs.
You are strong and inspiring. I hope you do know and realize that.
Kristabella’s last blog post..I Has A Mortgage
Rachel says:
I don’t know what to say, other than I care, and that I think about y’all all the time. I do not know you, but I feel like I do. I wish I had some words of comfort, but I can’t think of any, so I just want you to know that my heart hurts for you, and that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Rachel’s last blog post..Numerous Things, None of Which Really Have Anything To Do With One Another
Miss B says:
I think of you every day. My heart hurts for you every day. You ARE strong and inspiring. Even if you don’t feel like you are.
Miss B’s last blog post..I heart Facebook.
cat says:
My thoughts are with you every day.
Jill says:
God. I just want to break down and cry right now. I have no words. But I feel compelled to say something. You may not feel strong or inspring, but believe me, you are. You have inspired me, for one, to cherish every moment with my children. To be more patient and to give more hugs. Thank you for that.
Jill’s last blog post..Whatcha makin’? Vol 1
Tricia says:
I second Miss B…I also think of all of you each and every day and my heart aches as well. I know that you don’t think that you are strong or inspiring, the ones that are never do. I watched your speech last night and just like the day of Maddie’s service, I was in awe and so proud of you both. I know that I can’t even begin to understand or imagine what you are going through, what you have been going through, what you have alredy been through but my thoughts, prayers, my heart is with you all, all the time. I wish that was enough but I know it isn’t. This sucks and I wish it was all some terrible dream. Big hugs and lots of love sent your way. If you need anything, I’m here.
Kelly says:
Oh Heather, you, your husband, & Maddie are in my constant prayers. What a horribly tough time.. I just can’t even contemplate what you are going through.
Maddie, has taught me..
To stop & take pictures, I have at least 500 from the last 3 weekends.
To enjoy my nieces & nephews laughs. I video’ed him this weekend giggling.
To remember that life can go in a blink. I take each day for granted.
To smell the flowers.. I forgot how a rose smelled.
To wear purple.. it’s my favorite color too.
To remember that I am not the only one on this planet with a loss.
I hope you can find a comfort somewhere in life… stay strong…
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..This weeks give aways
Andrea's Sweet Life says:
That has been my favorite photo of you and Maddie since you posted it a few months ago. It speaks volumes about the tenderness and love you put into taking care of her.
Personally, I think you are strong and inspiring because you DO get up out of bed. You DO speak. You DO reach out to others. You are trying your best to get from one moment to the next without Maddie – something I can’t imagine trying to do.
I wish we could turn back time. I wish it every day. Love you.
Andrea’s Sweet Life’s last blog post..Mmmmmmm, Bacon
Jennifer says:
I didn’t write this, but read it on another blog.
What Makes a Mother?
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked “What makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard Him say.
“A Mother has a baby”
This we know is true
“But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby’s not with you?”
“Yes, you can,” He replied
With confidence in His voice
“I give many woman babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there’s no need to stay.”
“I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby to be here.”
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.
“I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child’s smile,
With all the other children and say…
‘We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow’s where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don’t be sad today,
I’m your baby and I’m here.’
“So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
You’re babies are here in My home,
And this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson’s through.
And on the day that you come home
they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It’s the feeling in your heart
it’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They’ll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one.
By: Jennifer Wasik
mrs.chicken says:
Just try to keep breathing, one breath at a time. That’s the best you can do, all you can expect of yourself. We love you, we do.
Oh, honey, we do.
Kathy says:
Don’t know you but my heart is breaking for you!
Magda says:
Heather my heart is breaking for you all over again, I wish there were words that I could you use to take the pain away. All I can say is that you and Mike and Maddie are never far from my thoughts. So many “strangers” are there by your side holding your hand lifting you up if only it is in spirit. Walking with you and your family for your sweet girl this weekend was an absolute honor. I will never forget your sweet beautiful Maddie, she will always hold a place in my heart.
Magda
slouching mom says:
With you. Holding you up.
slouching mom’s last blog post..This Dying Business
Yolanda says:
Heather –
Through tears I am sending you love.
Yolanda
Christy says:
Love you Heather
maggie, dammit says:
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh.
Love, love, love to you.
maggie, dammit’s last blog post..Purple for Maddie, devastation for Gorillabuns, love for the community
anymommy says:
Of course you do. Love and heartbreak for you. xoxo
anymommy’s last blog post..Soundproof Glass
Kira says:
My heart is broken for you and for Maddie. I wish more than anything that I could take some of the pain away for you.
Heidi Lee says:
Sweet Heather. I wish I could make everything ok for you. I am feeling one of those ache in your gut days today too. Know that there are so many people out here praying for you each and every minute of the day.
Tina Hosko says:
love you
tara says:
i am sending you as much love as i possibly can through a clouds of tears. to say that i’m sorry just isn’t enough. my heart breaks every day for you and mike. i am a “stranger” who is trying so hard to hold your hand a from afar every day. you are ALWAYS in my thoughts and in my heart.
samantha jo campen says:
My eyes sting with tears for you. I don’t know what to say or how to help you feel better. Just know you’re not alone. We are all here for you, a sea of “strangers” who want to wrap you in a hug and take away your pain.
samantha jo campen’s last blog post..Giving spirit
Undomestic Diva says:
I am in awe of you and Mike for standing in front of those THOUSANDS of people Saturday at the March for Babies. You are the most courageous people I know and I’m proud to call you my friends.
Undomestic Diva’s last blog post..Marching for Maddie
Kristin says:
Heather – I am so sorry for your loss. I am one of these internet strangers and didn’t “know” you until this happened. You and Mike are in my thoughts as you try to get through day by day. I wish I could do something to ease your pain at this time. All I have been able to do is plant my garden full of purple flowers for Maddie.
pgoodness says:
Sending so much love to you (luckily it slips right past the giant lump in my throat and out through my fingers to teh interwebZ)
pgoodness’s last blog post..Mom {Potty} – 0, Preston – 1
mama2addie says:
Sending lots of hugs your way!
I Marched for Maddie this weekend and it was a truly amazing experience! I can’t wait to do it again next year!
Keeping you all in my daily thoughts!
mama2addie’s last blog post..It’s been a while..
cindy says:
How I wish I had words that would comfort you. But I know that you know that there are people who want to help but know that they can’t…..how I wish that you could hold Maddie too!!
cindy w says:
I was worried that things would be harder for you after the MOD walk when everything slowed down, and this is one case where I really hate to be right. I cannot imagine the ache in your arms from not holding Maddie. This so isn’t fair, no one deserves the pain you and Mike are in right now. *Especially* not you guys.
Keeping you in my prayers and thoughts. Love to you both.
cindy w’s last blog post..March for Babies update
Chibi Jeebs says:
My heart breaks for both of you every time I think of you. I’m so, so sorry. There aren’t words adequate enough to express how sorry I am for your loss. You’re both in my thoughts and prayers. *huge hugs*
Chibi Jeebs’s last blog post..Hooooeeee
Susan says:
I read your blog and I go between wanting to give you and your husband space to grieve, be weak and just be, to wanting to spill my heart out.
I know no words are enough, so I will hold your hand.
My prayers and blessings!
LiteralDan says:
It’s precisely BECAUSE you don’t feel strong or inspiring that you are so strong and inspiring. You guys are just figuring this out as you go, the way anyone would have to, but you’re just doing it so much better than I think most of us can imagine doing.
You just keep on keepin’ on going through whatever process feels right to you both, who knows how many people you will inspire in what ways to do what things? I’m glad so many people were able to be there with you for the walk.
That being said, I’m sorry your arms are atrophying, as much as you may feel your heart is. It’s got to get a little better with time.
LiteralDan’s last blog post..Classic quotes, Vol. 13
Amanda (@mom23greatgirls) says:
I’ve written a sentence and deleted it 10 times now so here’s all I can think to write: I’m sorry Heather and Mike, I am just so so sorry. Okay, I’ve written another sentence and deleted it 10 times again so I’m giving up at being prolific.
Please be gentle with yourself – these days ARE difficult – some days you get through them however you can. I know you don’t think you are strong but you are – it takes strength to come on here and write – hell, it takes strength to even get out of the bed, wash your hair, and lay back down again some days.
Your arms, even if they atrophy for a while can get strong again I just know it.
Maeve says:
I sometimes worry that by telling you and Mike how amazingly strong you are (you ARE!!!), we’re almost pressuring you to put on a brave face for us. And that’s the last thing we want to do. You are going to have terrible, terrible days — days full of hot rocks when it’s all you can do to get out of bed — and you won’t feel strong at all. But sometimes being strong and brave just means surviving. That’s what you’re doing, even though it feels like hell. I love that photo. Talk about strong. You look like a wary tigress protecting her baby. Maddie was so lucky to be loved like that.
Kris says:
“One breath at a time is an acceptable plan.” (Ani Difranco)
I don’t know how you get up every morning, but I know you have to keep doing it. Look how much good you’ve done in her name in just 3 weeks. You have a lifetime to keep her memory alive in your thoughts, actions, stories, laughter, and tears.
Kris
Sarah Dawson says:
Oh, Heather. I have yet to leave a comment here, but have been holding you so very close to my heart. Breathe in and out, that’s the best and all you have to do. I am keeping you and Mike in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to do so.
emese says:
I wish you & Mike peace. Thats all I can do right now, is pray for peace in your hearts, so that’s what I am doing.
Amy says:
I hope you have arms around you extra-tight today. I am so sorry for your despair.
Yet another stranger thinking of you, Amy
Alison says:
You will ALWAYS be Maddie’s mommy. She may not be there to hold in your arms, but you will feel her in your heart as you take her with you everywhere. I wish a million wishes that Maddie could be home in your arms too, not only your heart. I am so sorry.
Lots of hugs to you, Mike, and Rigby.
Alison’s last blog post..Marching for Maddie
Emily says:
My heart is breaking for you everyday. Praying for you and sending love your way. I know that nothing I can say will bring your baby back to you. Bless you for loving your little lady so much and for making her time here so special. She was known and she was loved.
Vanessa says:
Oh, Heather. My heart just aches for you. I can’t imagine the grief you’re feeling. I walked in Maddie’s honor on Saturday. I thought about her the whole way. There was a sweet breeze along the river that day…I’m sure your little angel was with every walker that day. You WILL get through this…Maddie will be with you the whole way. God bless you and Mike. May peace always be with you….
Vanessa’s last blog post..Happy Easter
Kim says:
Thinking of you! Praying for you! Taking more pictures, and videos, wearing more purple, and donating like a mad woman to the March of Dimes, and always will!
jill says:
The quiet and alone times must be so difficult without your incredible little girl, Maddie. No doubt it’s easier to rally around a cause, something concrete that one can do to honor a lost little one, than it is to dwell in the pain. Coming down off of the march, I hope that you can somehow find comfort and solace from within yourself. These are wretching and soul searching times for you and Mike. Don’t be afraid to feel what you have to feel to get through this. It’s okay to not feel strong. Someday you WILL smile again on the inside, too.
Much love from another “stranger” who cheering you on from upstate NY..
Jill
ms. changes pants while driving says:
i don’t have any words. i would hold your hand if i could.
ms. changes pants while driving’s last blog post..San Diego Walked for Maddie
jessie says:
i am a blog stalker of matt and maddy’s where i found you and your story. i have nothing to say that could make you feel better. i cannot imagine your pain or what you are going through. i am a mother myself and my heart is breaking for you and your husband. you seem so very strong. you may not feel that way. i can’t believe that you do. i want your baby back, too. i’m so, so sorry.
Brie says:
I find myself checking your website everyday, sometimes a couple of times a day. Thank you for sharing with another “stranger”.
lilmissbridget says:
I’m sad to read your words today but am hopeful that today will be better. Thinking kind thoughts for you and Mike today.
XXXOOO
Lilmissbridget
Stacy says:
I am so saddened by your loss. I pray that you will feel the presence and peace of the Lord. I keep staring at that picture thinking that no one should have to endure such pain.
Stacy’s last blog post..Here we go again…
Maria says:
That picture just broke me. Weeping, raging for your loss.
Maria’s last blog post..I am not cohesive
Kristin says:
I thought about you all day Saturday. Sending you hugs.
Kristin’s last blog post..Changes
Connie says:
Dear Heather,
I hope you’ll consider seeing someone or joining a support group. I didn’t, and I kept it together somewhat for a year, and then I fell apart completely. My life changed and I’ve never been the same, but I did benefit from professional help. I wish I’d done it earlier.
You’re life will never be the same, and for that I’m truly sorry. But know that even when others stop talking about Maddie, she’s still made an impression on their lives. I know I’ll never look at the color purple again without thinking of her sunny smile in the adorable yellow jumper – the last photo you took. And you’ll always be with me as well. A loving mom who reminds me every day to be a little bit more gracious, kinder, and gentler with those around me.
Lean on each other, think about seeing someone, and know that life will change and it will get easier, but you’ll never forget your adorable baby.
With much love,
Connie
Libby says:
I’m still just one of the many people here who is thinking about you every day.
I want you to know that you know that you have a lot of people who will be lifting you up every day–even though the walk is over. I too wish that I could take even one small piece of your sadness away.
Kasey Jackson says:
I walked with some of your friends in Indy yesterday for our local March for Maddie. It was a sweet day. When I came home, I cried for you, for Maddie, for all the families …
I have felt so sad since hearing your story. I lost a dear, sweet young friend to cancer a few months ago. She was 9. Her favorite color was purple.
I’ll share a poem that was read at her funeral. It made me feel a bit better. You probably heard this one already …
Do not weep at my grave,
for I am not there.
I have a date with a butterfly
to dance in the air.
I’ll be singing in the sunshine,
wild and free.
Playing tag with the wind
while I’m waiting for thee.
Hugs,
Kasey in Indy
Kasey Jackson’s last blog post..views of the day
Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba) says:
The part about Sherri Shepherd made me giggle a little. Not because it’s funny to think someone might think you’re pregnant when you’re not… but because it CRACKS ME UP how you put it in this post.’
And then the last couple of paragraphs made me want to cry.
Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba)’s last blog post..Gum surgery update
Adventures In Babywearing says:
That drawing instantly brought tears to my eyes.
Steph
Adventures In Babywearing’s last blog post..We Walked.
SusieO says:
Sending you and Mike love. Just that. LOVE to you.
SusieO’s last blog post..The Heavens are Very Lucky, Indeed
b*babbler says:
Every day my heart breaks anew for you.
Marti B (Michigan) says:
I felt that same way when I lost my 28 weeker 36 years ago. I remember it well. I’m sure this sounds silly, but I found a floppy cloth baby doll about the same size as Joey, and I held it and took it with me (not in public) wherever I went around the house. It helped a lot, and finally one day I was able to put it down. About 2 years later I had my first and only full term pregnancy, a daughter, who at age 34 this day, has given me 4 grandchildren who I adore.
Perhaps you can find some kind of a baby doll to hold. It’s not silly, but sounds silly. It’s likened to Linus and his beloved blanket……….security, need, peace.
stephanie says:
I’m truly sorry for your loss. The drawing is absolutely beautiful.
Suzie says:
Oh sweet sweet Heather!! My heart aches for you!! I am so sorry for your loss of your princess!! If I could do anything to help you feel better…I would do it in a heartbeat, but there is nothing. I pray for you and Mike everyday. She is absolutely the most beautiful baby…I love the picture of her sleeping on your shoulder…again heartbroken for you both!!
Amy says:
Thank you for sharing such raw emotion with us.
I miss Maddie too….
Amy
Oregon
Katie in WI says:
I absentmindedly put my cursor on the picture of you and Maddie and your caption popped up: ‘she makes me feel like a mommy’
My head hurts like this because I’m trying not to cry.
I just really love that picture of you and your daughter.
Alexandra says:
Oh, she is beautiful. To just kiss those cheeks of hers must’ve been heaven.
Nichol says:
Oh Heather I’m so sorry. There are no words to tell you how you must be feeling. That drawing is beautiful just like you and Just like sweet Madeline
Nichol’s last blog post..Hyland’s Homeopathic Teething Tablets Review
Jodee says:
Just sending you a really big ((((((hug))))))))… and crying with you..
Jodee’s last blog post..What do you do all day anyway?
Shannaudi says:
You and maddie have touched my life in a way you may never know. My audibear as I call her and I send our love and hugs your way. You are both absolutely amazing angels…
JustAMom says:
I’d like to share a story.
My little brother, who was born when I was 12, was very sick when he was born. He too, had to be transferred to another hospital immediatley after birth. He was in the hospital for 3 months and 3 days. My parents lived in a motorhome in the hospital parking lot. Several times they were told my brother was going to die, to come be with him, this was it. My sister and I were brought to the hospital to meet with a doctor who explained to us our brother was going to die, and that it wouldn’t hurt, etc…. but it wasn’t true. He came home.
Like Maddie, he still had many struggles. He rarely left home because of the risk of illness. One day when he was almost 4, he told me “God can make the sky green. Or he can make the grass blue. He can do whatever he wants because he is God” Now my family was not religious AT ALL, and my brother had never been to church, nor watched any religious TV. I asked my brother “how do you know?” He said “he told me.” I asked “when did he tell you?” He said “when he used to come and talk to me in the hospital” He was sooo little, and he said it just so matter of factly….. like God comes to everyone’s bed and talks to them. He didn’t understand that this is something most people would think was crazy.
Like your Maddy, my brother continued to have many health problems. He was in and out of the hospital well into his teen years. But – after he told me that, I always believed he’d be okay – and that God knew what he was doing, and that he had plans for my brother. And when and if he died, I would be sad, but I knew it would mean he’d served his purpose here on earth. (Mind you I am not religoious AT ALL) I never communicated this to anyone.
One day my brother was at Magic Mountain in his teens. There was a shooting, and kids were hiding out at the nearby gas stations and they were lockig the doors. My mom was strangely calm. I was freaking out. She told me “your brother will be okay. I just know it. He’s gone through so much more shit than this. Someone (she’ll never say God) is looking out for him. He hasn’t done whatever it is he supposed to do yet.”
I couldn’t believe it……. my hard ass unemotional mother talking like this? But it’s true.
Every baby is special. But some, like my brother and your Maddie, are chosen. She accomplished more in her short little life than most people achieve in a lifetime. Her entire life, from the time she was conceived, to the time she passed, was lived with purpose (other than just being dang cute) She has raised awareness, money, she taught doctors not to be so damn judgemental about a pregnancy, she’s created relationships and friendships between former strangers, some of which will probably last a lifetime. That’s a helluva lot to do in such a short time.
Your Maddie was extrodinary and lived an extrodinary life. The impact she left will be ever lasting, and many people, especially many babies, will live richer, healthier lives, because she was here.
Trisha says:
Heather,
I just want you to know how much the story of your daughter has meant to me. I know that no comfort comes from something like this, but your sweet girl was like a breath of heaven to me. I haven’t been reading your blog along the way – in fact, the first time I read was the day after your beautiful girl had gone on to be with God. Her smile and sweetness warmed my heart and the joy she brought you has been passed onto all of us who have been touched by her life and the tears we have all shed together. I know we do not know each other, but I am praying for you, and I pray that you are comforted by knowing that your daughter touched so many in the short time she was here and that even after she is gone, her precious spirit is still touching so many. My heart has been thinking of you for days and days, and my thoughts are with you and your husband.
Trisha Rains
Blessed says:
Just sitting here, shedding some tears for you and wishing there was a way I could bring Maddie back for you. And, reliving the pain we walked beside our friends through when they lost their 14 year old son in an accident. A parent should never, ever have to bury a baby. I don’t know your pain personally, I’ve only walked beside others who have experienced it – but I want you to know that we’re still praying for you to find the strength to get through everyday. Our friends who lost their son said that the best thing they ever did was joining a support group – other parents who understood the grief, they helped each other.
My heart aches for you and Mike everday, and I’m just another one of those “strangers” I have to say that your Maddie was a remarkable girl and you and your husband sharing her with the world like you have is a blessing to the rest of us.
Glenda says:
what a beatiful drawing. my heart and prayers go out to you and mike.
Amanda/Baby A says:
A quote attributed to Pierre Auguste Renior: “The pain passes, but the beauty remains.”
Until then, you’ll just have to remember: “I get by with a little help from my friends.”
:]
Krissa says:
Coming home on the train tonight I looked out the window and saw several bushes with purple flowers at one station. The same instant my eyes saw them, I thought “Maddie”. I can not imagine what you are going through right now, but I wanted to share this with you so that you know about it and can add it to all the other reminders of the love Maddie has created. Your little Maddie is remembered with love all around the world (I’m reading from Berlin). I wish she was still in your arms instead of being remembered, though. When I thought of her there on the train looking at the flowers – before I remembered the pain you and Mike and your family are going through – I felt happy. And I felt happy because of her life and who she was and still is. But I want you to know that the first feeling I have when I remember Maddie like that (randomly) is “happy”. My thoughts are with you and I will keep you in my prayers.
Amber Mc says:
Ack! Crying at work!
I’m here to hold you up when you need another stranger to do so.
Sweet, sweet little light.
Amber Mc’s last blog post..Photo Phriday: What do you want from me?
Stephanie says:
Crying again for your loss . . . what a sweet girl. A beautiful drawing too!
Kelly says:
I just wish. And hope. And pray. And ache with you.
Kelly’s last blog post..Stray socks
Susan says:
Heather and Mike,
My thoughts and prayers are still with you. Having been there, I remember,vividly, crying that I needed my baby back, even though I knew it wasn’t gonna happen. The pain will eventually lessen, but your love for Maddie will remain.
I would also like to encourage you to find a support group, at least for a while. Being with people who had experienced the loss of a child helped my husband and me. Just hearing how others coped was helpful. One of the things we did was to buy a special candle to represent our Erin at holidays, and we still light this same candle every year, at Christmas and on her birthday, 27 years later.
Peace be with you.
Lindsey says:
Sending you both so much love, as much love as I can beam through this little computer.
Whitney says:
Heather,
I am at a loss for words and I appologize for that. But I just felt something inside of me saying that I needed to comment on this entry. Heather I am sorry that you had to go through this, I am sorry that you had to bury your baby- like you said no parent should ever have to bury a child. And I am SO VERY sorry that a beautiful life, toothy little grin, bubbly personality, & that kind little heart was taken from you and this world. Maddie set out to conquer the world and that she has done, now she will work through you and Mike to do even more. You will never know what Maddie means to so many “internet strangers” but to me she is such a inspiration.
Because of Maddie the MoD has so much more meaning now, I will do what I can to help support the MoD. I pray for you daily, I pray for comfort & peace, and I pray that the pain will go away so that you can cherish those memories even more.
Bless you,
Whitney
liz says:
breathe… you WILL get through this.
Dawn says:
I’m so sorry baybee. It’s not fair, and I want to lay in the middle of the floor and kick and scream about how not fair it us.
Dawn’s last blog post..It was like Jillian Michaels on Steroids
Dina says:
Heather,
I also am at a loss for words, but so badly want to say something comforting to you. I hope you know that so many people are sending you loving thoughts. I cannot imagine the hurt that you and Mike are going through now. I am so very sorry.
Please know that Maddie will always be with you in heart and in spirit. I am so sorry that your arms are hurting. Reading those words made my heart ache for you.
That drawing is beautiful. Maddie is beautiful.
Susan says:
Would it help to make an online friend who has also unexpectedly lost a child? I don’t know. I feel very sorry for your loss, and I think it is probably more difficult to bear because it was so sudden. I follow a blog called Life with Hannah and Lily at http://hannahandlily.blogspot.com/. Hannah was a few years older than Maddie when she drowned. Like you, Hannah’s mom was blogging before Hannah’s death (2 years ago?) and has continued blogging since. She has set out to have the best life she can despite the tragedy they’ve suffered. It might be helpful for you to connect with someone like her who was in your shoes not too long ago. Regardless of whether that is something you want to pursue, I am sending you a virtual hug.
Molly says:
Wow, what a beautiful drawing. I read your speech that you read at the walk. I wish I could have been there with you to hear it. You are both amazing parents.
Becky says:
wow…what overwhelming response you are getting! Maddie was loved so much by so many of us and what we feel is only such a small bit compared to your pain. I only hope that when it is my time to go, I have had an impact on even just a fraction of who she has impacted with her short life and you with your posts. You are loved by people all over this globe and we are with you in this. Do what you need to do, vent when you need to…. we will still be here supporting you. And when your arms tingle the worst and you really need something to hold, go grab her favorite blankie and pour it all out to GOd. He will even let you yell at Him without complianing. And He truly understands…it wasn’t easy for HIm to give up His son either. We love you so much!!! Bec (I ended up mentioning Maddie again in my blog today…she truly has impacted my life and the way I see things!!!)
Becky’s last blog post..Rocky Elephants
Dana Zap says:
All I can say is that in my entire life I don’t think I will ever be able to make the impact, touch as many lives, bring as many people together and make such a positive difference as Maddie did in her 17 months. For Maddie I will try ….She has changed peoples lives more than you could ever imagine…What an incredible gift…
Dana Zap’s last blog post..Sun, Apr 19, 2009
Sarah says:
My heart aches for you. I am another stranger whose life Maddie has touched and I’m praying for you and for Mike.
Rachel says:
This brought me to tears. Your supporters aren’t just limited to the US. You’ve got at least one Londoner rooting for you too. And I know that wherever Maddie is, she is so so proud of you and Mike xx
mythoughtsonthat says:
So very difficult….peace to you.
mythoughtsonthat’s last blog post..Home Again, Safe At Last
Becky says:
Oh baby. My heart breaks for you. I want to wrap my flabby arms around you and give you a slobbery hug. You’ll have to settle for me coming out soon and hugging you a hell of a lot. And dude, I am SO not a hugger.
Becky’s last blog post..I Shot A Man In Reno…
Calla says:
I can’t say anything that anyone else hasn’t already said. But I want to say something anyway. I just wanted you to know that in the face of this – in the face of everything you’ve endured the past few weeks – you are an incredibly strong woman. Your courage is overwhelming to witness. It gives thousands of us – some who have experienced loss, and some who haven’t experienced anything nearly as painful as the loss of a child – hope. We are all “with you” as you continue your journey forward.
Sarah says:
Heather and Mike,
I stumbled across your blog, and I cant tell you how sorry I am for your loss. Loosing a child is the greatest loss of all, thank you for telling your story. I can only imagine what you are going through, please stay strong in honor of your daughter.
xoxo
sarah
Sarah’s last blog post..Week and Weekend
Lara P says:
I have been following your blog and I have not known what to say. That picture, that lovely picture says so much. It brought me to tears again. Our hearts go out to you, know that you are receiving love from our little corner in Camp Lejeune and from Iraq, where my husband is currently serving. We are grieving the loss of your Maddie and have been amazed by your strength and courage. When my lil plant blooms purple flowers they will be in honor of your Maddie. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Kelley says:
I am so sorry, this (again) brought tears to my eyes. God brings beauty from pain and like many others have said, Maddie did so much more in 17 months than most have done in their entire lives. She got my husband to march in the March for Babies – that in and of itself is a major feat. I hope you take comfort from the lyrics I’m posting, I tend to express myself much better through music and other people’s words. *hugs*
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i’m alive but i feel like i’ve died
And all that’s left is to accept that it’s over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i’m slipping away
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I’ll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can’t understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you’ve brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can’t see
I forgot how to hope
This night’s been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
Superchick, Beauty from Pain
Kelley’s last blog post..On Compliments
Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com says:
I don’t really have any words of comfort for the last part, but I am so so thankful that there was such a wonderful turnout for the walk. I was with you guys in spirit even though I couldn’t make it in person.
Rebekah says:
You are amazing – keep writing, keep sharing, keep telling us about your beautiful daughter.
Scary Mommy says:
Just the fact that you wake up and operate makes you strong and inspiring. Never mind the beautiful way you share with us… Whether you believe it or not, you are amazing.
Scary Mommy’s last blog post..The Best Chicken Salad in the World
merlotmom says:
Oh sweetie, this one took my breath away. I ache for you. I am so sorry. My love to you and Mike.
merlotmom’s last blog post..Earth Day Is Every Day: Stop Using Plastic
Amy says:
Crying hot tears in sympathy with you. I wish my tears could take away some of your pain.
When I lost my first pregnancy, I felt, for months afterward, this awful lightness, as if my body could just float away…like I wasn’t tethered to the earth anymore. I know that our bodies mourn in their own way.
In every way possible, I’m holding you and Maddie in light and love.
theresa says:
Heather, I think about you guys everyday. You don’t know me, but please know that my family grieves for you. My heart aches for you. Please know you are in my thoughts.
Tina says:
My heart breaks for you. I am so, so sorry. I read your entries with tears running down my face and an ache in my heart.
What a beautiful portrait of Maddie.
Andrea says:
Oh Heather. I wish I could do something, anything, for you and Mike. You guys are in my thoughts and prayers everyday…
Maddie has changed all of us forever…
Andrea’s last blog post..For Maddie & Thalon
Kellie says:
I always feel strange leaving a comment. You have so many and I don’t want to be another voice saying the same thing, but I can’t NOT comment on your posts.
You ARE strong. You ARE inspiring. I’ve never met you and you amaze me. I wish I held 1/3 of your strength.
I can’t tell you enough how much my heart aches for you and Mike. I would do anything I could to take away that pain and bring Maddie back to your arms.
That drawing is beautiful. A beautiful drawing of a beautiful baby. I hope you find her.
Kellie’s last blog post..In Which I Do Something I HATE…
Manic Mommy says:
That is a beautiful drawing.
The end of your post has me reeling. I am so sad for your loss.
Manic Mommy’s last blog post..Condom Talk
Danielle says:
Just breathe, Heather. Hold Mike and breathe. One breath at a time. One numbing breath.
Love you. Thinking of you. We are all here no matter how hard it hits.
Maria Delgado says:
My heart aches for you.
My prayers are ever with you.
In Due Time says:
Heather, I wish I could give you a big hug in that picture. I wish I could give you sweet Maddie back. We love you. (((Hugs)))
In Due Time’s last blog post..Who’s The Daddy?
Lauren says:
I shared Maddie’s story with a friend, and though I stayed composed, I, quite literally, struggled to breathe as the weight of her passing pressed on my chest. I can’t imagine how you feel. I am thinking of her loveliness everyday and sending you good vibes of strength every chance I get.
Alexandra says:
Jennifer at 8:36 AM: That is beautiful…thank you…
Jessica says:
Your family was in my thoughts on saturday as I prepared to do a March of Dimes walk with my husband, my 4 year old, and my 15 month old son. My heart aches for you everyday.
Summer says:
A beautiful picture. Your writing is so elequent and heart wretching. Your pain and joy shine through. Maddie was truly a blessing but so are her parents.
Summer’s last blog post..When pigs fly
Susan says:
Heather, I’m sending you and Mike much love and prayers. I wish I had something profound to say but I don’t. Just know we all love you. ((( Hugs)))
Susan’s last blog post..Tired
Amy says:
My eyes are full of fresh tears looking at that beautiful picture of you and your Maddie. I never knew her, but I miss her. I can’t feel the extent of your pain, but I hurt for you. I hope that time lessens the feelings of hopelessness and sorrow. You and your husband are in my prayers.
Amy’s last blog post..Silly Savannah
(another) karen says:
my heart breaks for you and your husband.
thinking of you,
(another) karen
Kelly says:
Heather, still thinking about you, Mike and beautiful Maddie. It’s not so strange to feel a connection, or compassion for people you ‘know’ from online. We’ve never even communicated. But this is different, to feel like you were a part of your lives , a part of Maddie’s life. Now that things are settling down, that the busy aspect of organizing the walk for Maddie is quieting down – turn to your friends, your readers, share, or just listen. Tell your stories, express how you feel. Your post today is beautiful. Thank you for continuing to share.
Molly says:
I heard this quote the other day and thought of you:
“Death ends a life, not a relationship.”
I’m sure that it doesn’t feel that way now, but you are both strong AND inspiring.
Molly’s last blog post..The way my 2009 is going
Funsize says:
Oh Heather, your words echo my exact thoughts while I was first grieving my son. I’ve been thinking about you, often. You and Maddie are in my thoughts.
Funsize’s last blog post..Trust
Heather Schroeder says:
Don’t you know that your little Maddie has touched and blessed more lives than you could ever imagine? I feel blessed to have happened across your blog and read the stories. Maddie was the cutest little baby ever (and I’ve seen some pretty dang cute ones.) She was and is eternally happy, something that most people spend their entire lives searching for. Thank you for sharing, and someday when I have kids (which will be a while because right now my only kid is my sorority kid, I’m 20) I hope to be as blessed as you were with Maddie.
Blessings
Heather Schroeder
Diana says:
Oh Heather, my heart breaks for you. I hugged you on Saturday and I wish we could all hug and hold your pain in our hands and give you a rest. I don’t have the words to express. I just don’t. All I can think to say is God Bless You and Your Family. You’re in our thoughts daily as is your beautiful Maddie. I pray for your hearts to heal.
Em says:
I am so sorry, there are no words that I can think to say except – my thoughts and prayers are with you.
May the Lord wrap his lovng arms around you and comfort you
Em
from Australia
Mindy says:
Heather, I have been reading your blog for over a year now, but have never left a comment. I feel compelled now to reach out to you, to let you know how deeply you and your family have touched my life, and not just in Maddie’s death. It was her life and her amazing courage and spirit, the way you write and the wonderful way you mothered her and your amazing sense of humor that reached out and pulled me in for well over a year now. I came to your blog on a daily basis to find strength and encouragement and to watch you laugh in the face of adversity. Both of my kids were born full-term, but my youngest child has been sick off and on for most of his almost 3 years on this Earth. I have often feared losing him. He is very frequently seriously ill. While his struggles pale in comparison to what Maddie went through, we have been back and forth to the doctors and the hospital, more times than I like to even think about it. I always loved hearing about your interactions with the dreaded Dr. Lung. I could sooo relate to the way she treated you and the way she made you guys feel. I would always cheer for you when you stood up to her. It made me feel more courageous about standing up to my son’s less-than-pleasant doctors and it made me feel that I was not the only one stumbling through the medical system. I fell in love with your daughter and your family from the very beginning. The way you find humor in almost everything really inspired and continues to inspire me. You made me strive to find the humor in my own life. I didn’t know immediately about Maddie’s passing b/c my son was sick yet again during the same time and I was not online much at all. When I first returned to your blog, her service had already happened; I felt like something had squeezed my lungs and my heart and I couldn’t breathe. I love you guys, even though I’ve never met you. I pray for you everyday…you, Mike, and Rigby, as well as your families. I am in awe of the way you are honoring your precious daughter’s memory and in your amazing strength (even if you feel weak). Your story is more inspiring than I can even put into words…and that story is still playing out even though Maddie is no longer on this earth with you. Just another stranger out here, drawing courage and strength from you and wishing I could buoy you up right now, in this wretched time, especially after all the laughter and inspiration you have given to me. It feels wrong that I cannot reciprocate. Maddie and you and Mike have irrevocably touched me. Thank you, Heather. Keep on keeping on. I stand behind you, even if you don’t know me. I still come here everyday because of what a wonderful mother and person you are.
Central Arkansan says:
I was new to your blog when I learned about the passing of your daughter. I don’t have kids and won’t even try to act like I know what feelings and emotions you are experiencing but please know that your child with those eyes and smile was a beautiful sight to behold! We need her too. My wish for your family during your path of healing is peace. ((HUGS))
amy says:
What a gorgeous gift that person gave you. I hope you find her.
Keep on writing, loving and remembering Maddie. I am so sorry you and Mike have to survive this. But you WILL.. Keep on taking it moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day. And be good to yourself and each other.
Makes me glad to see all of your friends and supporters, walking and donating for Maddie’s cause. You are loved
Big Cyber Stranger Hug,
Amy
Andrea says:
I am so sorry for your loss, but that is completely inadequate. I stumbled on your blog from someone else’s, and when I realized what was going on I read through the archives. Today I reached the end, and am in awe of your daughter. She was such a beautiful, sweet person and I really wish I had known her. She was so lucky to have you both as parents, and I know how much richer your life is because she was in it. Thank you for writing, sharing pictures, and continuing to connect with others even through Maddie’s passing. Thank you for sharing her with all of us. We’ll be praying for you and hope that you will continue to be comforted by the thousands of people who have fallen in love with Maddie.
Andrea
Andrea’s last blog post..In Which Much Happens and Little Gets Accomplished
laura says:
heather and mike,
i found your blog via matt logelin’s and i feel compelled to leave you a message..not really sure why. we have never met but your story/maddie’s story has touched me like no other. maybe because she seemed to be such a happy, smiley baby–so full of life and love–and her passing so unexpected. i find myself missing her though we have never met so i can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you and your families…
time will heal some of the pain and you will feel joy again…until then lots of hugs and prayers.
laura
laura’s last blog post..
Amy says:
Beautiful photo. Still thinking of you…
Amy’s last blog post..Remembering…
lilfootsmom says:
What a beautiful drawing. SO Amazing.
I can’t imagine how empty your arms feel right now.
Cindy says:
Oh, Heather. There are just no words. Once again, I’m sitting at my computer with tears running down my face, my heart breaking for you. How I wish your Maddie was back in your arms or that there was something, anything, that any of us could do to lessen your pain even a little bit. I hope that you can feel the love and support from all of the strangers and friends whose hearts you have touched.
The world is a better place because Maddie was here!
Cindy’s last blog post..Look at THAT!
Shauna says:
Oh sweet Heather, how my heart aches for you. Your Maddie should be with you, and it just doesn’t make any sense that she’s not. I wish it were different.
We all love you.
Shauna’s last blog post..Dear Sweet Maddie
elismsue says:
Heather,
Your words are beautiful and heartfelt. You write for every mom, every mom that has
lost a child and every mom that does not want to have to think that they may someday face that loss. Ache is a word. It has a definition, but to feel that ache is indescribable. It has no definition for that feeling and that emptiness. It hits the very core of our being, it hurts more than any pain that modern medicine can touch, it tears from the inside out. Maddie knows you are experiencing this and is with you. She misses you and your touch, but she has been watching, caring for and loving you and Mike every moment of every day since she has passed. She has no more pain and wants the same for you. Believe.
((((())))) and purple wishes.
Sue
Alexandra says:
Oh, my heart. I can hardly stand it. WHen I look through pictures of Maddie on Flickr, and see the grandparents lovin’ on her…I can hardly stand the pain they must feel over losing Maddie, and then watching their first baby, Heather, go through this unearthly pain. They are grieving times two…for both their babies. Your poor moms and dads, Heather and Mike.
Insta-Mom says:
Tears. The picture is beautiful. Your words are beautiful. Sending love every day.
Insta-Mom’s last blog post..The last small piece
haley-o says:
((HUG)) The drawing is beautiful…. Thinking of you.
haley-o’s last blog post..Cheaty Goes to the New-Age Bookstore
Ray says:
That’s such an AMAZING photo of Maddie! I know you’ll treasure it forever. I also just wanted you to know that I’m still praying for you. I just found your site about two weeks ago, but I can’t help but continue to pray for you.
Tina Hosko says:
so sad for you. i am just so sad
Sarcastic Mom (Lotus Carroll) says:
Let yourself be as un-strong as you need; no one’s keeping score.
And if you need some strength, we’ll let you hit the tap and lean into us whenever you want.
<3love.
Sarcastic Mom (Lotus Carroll)’s last blog post..Weekly Winners April 19-25
Danielle @ ExtraordinaryMommy says:
What a beautiful moment between you and Maddie. Thinking of you today, like everyday. Sending you long distance love. Always.
Danielle @ ExtraordinaryMommy’s last blog post..Time keeps ticking.
Elizabeth says:
I am sorry for your pain. My son and I were two of the “strangers” who marched with you on Saturday. I didn’t want to interfere since you were surrounded by so many people who were supporting you but I was in awe of the number of people who were there. Thank you for taking your pain and using it positively to help promote the march of dimes. While marching, I was thinking about the day after, when all this was over, how hard it would be. I wish there was more I could do than express how sorry I am for you and your family.
Ginger says:
We love you. Peace to you and Mike.
Rachael says:
My heart is broken for you. I know that what you put forth here is not everything. I know that you spend your days thinking of Maddie, and I can’t imagine it. You do put across so much grace here, it’s amazing. I wish there was something that I could say or do to help, but for the time being I offer my prayers for peace and comfort for you and Mike.
Rachael’s last blog post..Learing Something New
Karen Sugarpants says:
still thinking of you so much…if you need anything, I’m here. xoxoxo
Karen Sugarpants’s last blog post..Unlikely Friends
Amanda says:
Like many others, I only came to know of you during this, the most difficult time in your life. My heart aches for you. I’ve returned to your blog many times over these last few weeks and have wept as I’ve read your words. But I’ve also thought about how I personally can transform that sadness into the kind of action that will honor your beautiful girl. I think of her, you, and Mike often. Much love and strength to you.
kim says:
Sending you love and wishing you peace…. but I don’t really know how. Just know that you are in my thoughts everyday and that you and your beautiful little girl has changed me forever.
Heather says:
I don’t know you or Mike or your families. And I never had the pleasure of meeting your Maddie. But I think of you all daily. I offer up prayers and encouragement and will as much love as I can to you all from across the country. There just aren’t words enough to express what I want to say- so just know that I wish you peace and healing and eventually joy in your lives again. I know you’ll find it someday- and until then I’ll keep sending over prayers and love.
Rikki says:
Wishing you strength and healing. I am another “stranger” that after seeing the first picture of Maddie, was mesmerized by her little angel face. I cannot fathom the hole in your heart. Hugs from across the internet.
Rikki’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
Upstatemomof3 says:
There are no words – only tears. I wish I could have been one of the strangers to hg you. I wish I could do or say anything that would be helpful. I am praying for you though.
Upstatemomof3’s last blog post..Tackling Cloth Diapers – Swim Diapers
Kathy says:
Heather, I am so sorry. This is not the way it should be. I hope you and Mike can take care of each other as you find a way to breathe. I’m thinking you you every day, and I wish that could help.
amy says:
You have made such an impact on March of Dimes, and me.
It is not over. this is just the beginning. Through this blog her story will live on and help countless children.
words can’t even begin to describe how sorry i am for your loss.
LD says:
I can’t begin to tell you anything, but how much I’d admire your strength…the strength it must take to wake up every morning and go on. Maddie must be so proud of you. We all are– and you’re constantly in my thoughts. I’m so sorry you have to live through this–no one should.
Kellee says:
What can I say? I love you. *hug*
Maggie says:
Hello, Heather. I’m another stranger, a stranger who had not even heard of your beautiful child until yesterday. Like everyone else (and thanks to your beautiful writing), she quickly captured my heart. And then, with her death, it suddenly broke into a thousand pieces. I wasn’t expecting that. What an extraordinary child.
I wish I could tell you it will get better, and the pain will go away. But, I don’t know if that’s true or not. I’m not that old, but I’ve lost everyone in my family over the years, but not one of them was a child of mine. I didn’t have children, and I have no idea of the kind of pain you’re suffering. I know my pain is still right there, though. Some days not as bad as others, but it’s still around. I think it’s different for everyone, though.
I know, for me, when my loved ones started dying, it was all I could do to simply breath and walk. So, that’s all I did. When I could do more, I did more. And, I finally made it through some of the hardest days of my life. I still get mad at God, though. I’m betting you do, too.
Anyway, my prayer for you, for just this moment, is to ask God to simply help you wake up each day, take a few deep breaths, dress yourself, get up, and start your day. That’s it. Nothing harder than that. And, I’ll ask him to remove all that self-imposed guilt we put on ourselves, so that on those days when you just can’t do it, you’ll allow yourself to sleep, healing both your mind and your body. You took a direct hit to your heart, Heather. Mike did, too. So, be gentle with yourselves.
And, please, know you will remain in my prayers, and I’m so, so sorry this happened to your family.
Jenny says:
My heart breaks for you.
Kristy @ Mommy In Pink says:
You are so strong, and you don’t even know it! I’ll continue to keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers. Although I live many states away, I walked in memory of Maddie this past Sunday along with many others for the March of Dimes. We all were thinking of you!
God Bless,
Kristy
Kristy @ Mommy In Pink’s last blog post..Mother’s Day Gift Guide: Day 2 (Bonus Giveaway)
Mimi says:
Dear Mike & Heather,
There are no words that can be said to make this better, but just know that strangers (me) think about you every day. Your sweet, beautiful daughter has touched all of us and she will never be forgotten. Thank you for sharing your story, we are all standing beside you.
Much love,
Mimi in Toronto
kate in LA says:
sweet heather whom i have come to love,
and i don’t even know you, but now i do. so if a woman ever bear hugs you out of nowhere in Whole Foods, please don’t be alarmed. it’s me. i come in peace.
your darling girl is so gorgeous. every photo just brings a smile to my face. i’m so so sorry she’s not here with you – that pain must be unbearable. my best friend lost her child when he was just 5 days old and i have watched her slowly heal and love again. i wish that for you and mike.
i send prayers and love and hope that the pain becomes less. thank you for sharing. there is a community of people out there that are loving you – i hope you can feel it.
coloradolady says:
Heather, I think about you everyday…I know you are having such a struggle, everything happened so fast, and I am sure now you are left to deal with the aftermath…it is hard I am sure. HUGS to you.
coloradolady’s last blog post..Sometimes You Have to Take the Bull by the Horns
coloradolady says:
Heather, I think about you everyday…I know you are having such a struggle, everything happened so fast, and I am sure now you are left to deal with the aftermath…it is hard I am sure. HUGS to you.
Jill says:
I have come to know your story through Twitter and now, your blog. My heart bleeds for you, your family, Maddie, your loss… The photos of your beautiful darling have so much life, and that is how she is known by complete strangers – as a beautiful child, so lively with a gorgeous smile, who was taken too soon.
From a mom who cares.
Jill’s last blog post..Handle With Care
Casey says:
I wish I could say something, anything. I am still (always) aching for you and your loss, and understand your physical yearning for that beautiful baby. Heather, I don’ t know how you are getting through this, and I have no insight or wisdom to make it easier to bear. I am just here to say, also as a mom, that I care, I read, I hurt and I cry for you.
Casey’s last blog post..In honor of TasteSpotting
Steph says:
I don’t know you, you don’t know me. But I think of you everyday. My daughter and I pray for you daily. I so bad want to do something to help ease the pain. I know I cannot do or say anything to help with that, so I am just here to give you a virtual hug and to let you know you are on my mind.
Stefanie says:
I want nothing more right now than for you to have Maddie back in your life. I first heard about your blog through Twitter, and have been to your site each day, some times several times throughout the day to see what you have written. I’ve spent the last three days reading every entry on your blog because I feel so deeply connected to you and your family.
I’m cheering for you, Heather and Mike, that the pain will somehow ease and each day will be better for you.
Stefanie’s last blog post..Ducks In A Row
Denise says:
I too know the loss of a child – too early. Our baby only lived 1 1/2 hours after birth. She was 8 weeks from her due date – the date she was due was the day before our 2nd daugthers birthday. I felt this baby for 6+ months – alive inside of me – kicking and turning. I knew her. I knew her. It’s been over 7 years now that I got to hold her close and say goodbye. My other daugthers have forever been changed, our whole family has. Life is precious. God is good. He is in control over all that happens. It’s just hard to understand, but HE is faithful. I look forward to seeing my little Elizabeth Ann again someday and holding her. You were so blessed to have those 17 months….even though I am the only one that really knew Elizabeth….she changed our family forever. On her headstone we had this printed. Some people only dream of angels, we held one in our arms…
Pamela says:
Maddie will always be with you. She will never be far away.That tingle is letting you know she is very much still there…………with you both. God Bless you Spohrs.
Jamie Antisdel says:
I don’t have the right words, just know I am praying it gets easier. Maddie was in our hearts as we walked in the March for Babies in St. Louis last weekend.
Jamie Antisdel’s last blog post..march on
MJ says:
I just saw this quote and it made me think of your sweet Maddie:
“When you are born, you cry and the world is happy. Live your life so that when that when you die, the world cries.”
She certainly did live life that way, didn’t she? Her smile was giant and I’m sure it touched everyone who saw it. I can’t imagine the hole that you are feeling, and I am so sorry.
Angi says:
I have never met you. I’ve read your words, shared your joys and most notably your sorrows. I think of you, Mike and Maddie at least once a day. I wait for the next blog to find out how you’re doing today, about high days and low days you will be having. I see purple, I think of Maddie. I can’t imagine your pain. I hope that you and Mike find a way to come through this adversity stronger and more in love that ever. I worry about you and your family, and yet I’ve never met you. I do know this: You, Mike and Maddie have changed the world. Your struggles will be impossible for a long time to come, but you have changed the world. The things the three of you accomplished together are more than many will accomplish in a lifetime. As hard as life is, don’t forget that. The Spohr family is special. And if someone told me that you were just down the street, I’d be there. I’d walk in and give you a hug…then awkwardly introduce myself…and pray that you wouldn’t have me arrested. But I’m not alone. You are loved beyond your wildest imagination. It’s ok if your arms atrophy a bit, but work your heart every day. The love you both gave to Maddie is coming back to you in spades.
jennifergg says:
I came here to say what? I don’t know…other than I’m a NICU mama too, and I know that strange scary place where our babies’ lives begin, and I’m so sorry that Maddie’s has ended, too soon. Sending my love and prayers.
xo
Jennifer says:
I have never met you or your family. However your blog about your daughter and her life has touched me very deeply. I am so sorry for your family’s loss. I have two small boys of my own and can’t even imagine the pain of losing one of them.
I might be over stepping here a little bit. however I hope you don’t quit posting on the blog. it’s how the people who have never met you know that you and your family are ok and surviving this.
Therese says:
I do not know what to say, or that my words can really make a difference. My heart bleeds for your family, and I know the pain I feel, how bad it hurts to just read what you are going through, and I cannot even fathom the pain that you must actually be feeling. I am so incredibly sorry, and your family is in my thoughts every single day.
Jenni says:
You have an amazing family. You are an amazing mother. Maddie is, was and will continue to be amazing. I know you can’t hold that in your arms, but I hope that you feel it in your heart. Thinking about you all.
Jenni’s last blog post..The Great Search Term Round Up, Episode 1(a)
Melissa says:
Oh Love, I don’t know you, but I have been following your blog since Matt had posted it on his. I don’t know him either. But I feel like I do. I pray that any type of tingling sensation that you have will just leave your body… and that your heart would be so filled with memories of your sweet baby that your heart will never feel empty. That your arms would always feel like they are holding your sweet baby in your arms. I cannot even fathom anything that you are going through and I will never say that I understand, because I simply don’t understand and I pray that I never will. Heather, you are an amazing person. Your husband is an amazing person. I don’t know you at all. I don’t, but I just felt SO incredibly compelled to write to you this evening to tell you that.
Heather, I lost my best friend 5 short months ago due to a pulmonary embolism, and her name was Angel. Heather she was the most amazing person in the entire world, and I just want you to know, that she is watching over Maddie tonight and along with her son that she had lost at a mere 3 months of age. And just as my friend Angel had this AMAZING smile, I sit here in tears because I feel in my heart that they are just sharing their ginormous smiles with one another tonight.
May your heart be filled with peace and know that you are never alone. There are hundreds, thousands of people that are reading your blog every day… and we are all here… standing behind you with our arms wide open.. just a bunch of creeps wanting to embrace you during this difficult time.
Love to you… Melissa
Russi1 says:
I am so very sorry for your loss. The last picture of your daughter looks like the face of an angel. I wish she were still living, breathing, making the most of everyday. She’s beautiful.
Russi1’s last blog post..Dear Son
thatgirlblogs says:
EVERY time I come here, I cry — and always, always ask God why, why, why Maddie? So beautiful. Then and now.
Buffy McCormack says:
“Pain throws your heart to the ground” I think that line in your 2nd song in the video must be so true for you. I have watched your video to Maddie about 10 times now and just wept each time. Wept for you and your husband. Cried until I had no more tears. I just cant even fathom the pain you guys are in. Its just so tragic. I feel like I know your sweet, sweet baby from her video. There is nothing anyone can say to take away your pain, but I wanted to say that your baby had the most love filled life anyone could ask for. All I saw in each and every picture was a baby filled with joy. Her beautiful smile, her bright eyes, her silly expressions. She was loved so so much. And she loved right back. How I wish your perfect angel was still here with you. I am thinking of your family everyday, every hour.
-Buffy in Seattle
Cinthia says:
Oh you poor thing. I am so so so so sorry!! I feel sad for you and your husband every time I read what you are going through, and I hate being unable to help. But at the very least, I want to always mention that I care and that your baby won’t ever be forgotten. Semi long-distance hugs!
Joe @ Irrational Dad says:
Our thoughts are with you and yours. Sarah and I talk about you, Mike and Maddie quite often.
Joe @ Irrational Dad’s last blog post..He loves his King Kong
Tammy says:
I’m so sorry for your unimaginable loss. My heart hurts for you. I’m praying that your angel will touch you with a sense of peace.
Stephanie says:
I would think that this would be a very hard time. After all the plans and arrangements have been made and the activities have been done and now you just sit back and…….. ?
I’m sorry. But please know that so many of us are out here thinking about your family.
Stephanie’s last blog post..It’s the end of the semester as we know it and I feel unfine…
Mary says:
I’m so sorry for you and Mike. There are no words, only hugs, love, and support. And I offer you all of those things.
april says:
I saw a sign on a church yesterday… “Words are the window to the heart.” It made me think of you and Mike… your words are truly the windows to your hearts right now. Keep writing… it’s therapeutic.
God bless.
Samantha says:
Heather,
I Can’t even imagine the pain and anguish you and Mike are dealing with. My heart goes out to you both as you try somehow to deal with losing your sweet Maddie! I wish that there was something could do or say to take some of it away. Please know that their are soo many people that continue to have you in our thoughts and prayers each day, and will also never forget sweet, sweet Maddie! ((((((hugs))))))
Kelly says:
I check your blog frequently in these last few weeks with a mixture of awe and dread. Awe because I truly believe that you are my hero – your strength, courage, beauty shines through in everything that you do and say – you are an inspiration. Dread because it should never have had to be for this reason, and because with every new post you make my heart breaks a little bit more for you. For Mike. For Maddie. For every heart that she has touched.
Every word you have written makes me appreciate what I have all the more. I find myself awake some nights after dealing with teething pain or night terrors – reading your blog, tears streaming down my face, hoping that she’ll wake again so that I have my excuse to go in there again and just hold her. I couldn’t even bring myself to imagine life without her in my arms…
I can’t help but hope that every tear we (everyone who has been touched by your little angel) cry is a tear that you won’t have to. I know it doesn’t work that way, but I wish we could all share your pain and your burden and make it a little less painful for you and Mike. More than that, I wish I could bring her back for you.
I’m just another one of those strangers that you mentioned in a prior post – one of the many hundreds of people who comment on here or in twitter – but your family has been burned deep into my heart and soul. Through your beautiful words and your amazing memories, I feel that I know your family – and I love you all.
I need to go and hold my baby now…
Kelly’s last blog post..Not so happy 9 months
Alison says:
Constantly thinking of you and your family, much love for you all, donating to MOD……I wish there was more I could do.
Melanie says:
A friend of mine mentioned your blog and I’ve found myself here every day since… reading your posts… looking at your beautiful daughter… and sobbing for you and your family. I have a Madelyn too. We often call her Maddie. I think that really puts it into perspective for me. I can’t imagine what you are going through. I am so, so sorry for your loss.
I find myself refreshing the blog page… I’m not sure what I’m hoping for. Maybe that there will be a new post saying there was a mistake and everything was ok. Or maybe I am hoping that you’ll at least post that you are ok.
I wish there was more I could say.
Melanie’s last blog post..null
Rhonda (Mimi) says:
I walked with Team James & Jake on Sunday and also for your precious Maddie. I wore her name proudly on the T-shirt we wore. Each step I took I did it out of love and honor for each child. I am so sorry for your loss. I love the sketch that was given to you. I hope your heart is lightened today and just know that I am thinking of you. God Bless your family.
Rhonda (Mimi)’s last blog post..Very Rewarding 6 Mile Walk!
Amanda (@mom23greatgirls) says:
I have come back to this post and read it so many times.
I also read my comment about not knowing what to say. Needless to say I’ve thought about it for a while now and I know what to say…
I grieve for your and Mike’s loss of innocence.
I grieve that everything will forever be divided up into before and after.
I grieve for your knowing too much about hospitals, NICU’s, and hospital bedrest.
I wish that I could give you back the innocence of pregnancy, the innocence of birth, and the innocence in having a cold or a broken arm be the worst thing that has happened.
Finally, I grieve that your arms are empty but like I said before, I feel in my heart that in time they will be strong again.
Kelley Land says:
I don’t know whether comments help or become annoying after a while, but I frequently feel the urge to leave at least a word or two. Please know that I’m thinking of you. I’ve been reading Maddie’s long and amazing story, from NICU days on. Her stamina (and that of her parents), your sense of humor, and your amazing love for this little girl continue to move me. I am so bewildered that she has passed on. It makes no sense, and I don’t think it ever will. Thank you for sharing your journey through grief, one you never should have had to take.
Kelley Land’s last blog post..Soaking It In
Libby says:
Thinking of you again today. Hoping you are finding peace. I’m wondering if your pain is worse because you don’t have milestones like services, or March for Maddie to keep you going from day to day. Hoping all of us can help keep you going. Love, hugs, tears and prayers for you today.
Karishma says:
oh god, heather. i am so sorry. what an absurdly GORGEOUS picture, though, what a beautiful tribute to your daughter.
jen says:
when I read the last line of your post, I could not stop my own tears. how you must miss your beautiful baby girl.
melanie says:
hugs!
melanie’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
christieo says:
i can just hear the pain in your voice and i want nothing more than to reach through the computer and hug you! no mother should ever feel this ever and i just burst into tears when i read you feeling it. even if i don’t know you. i pray that some day, one day, you will find comfort. but until then, we pray and mourn and cry with you.
christieo’s last blog post..Mantra Monday: Paying It Forward
Jamie says:
I just read your last month’s worth of blogs for the first time. I am so, so, so sorry for your loss.
Terri says:
Thinking of you and your precious girl. Crying along with you and will never forget your precious Maddie, I never met her, but love her just the same. *hugs*
mandie says:
my heart hurts so much for you. i don’t know what you’re going through, but i do know i had two miscarriages and still ache for those babies…so imagining the weight of what you must be feeling for your sweet maddie truly breaks my heart in two.
you have a friend in texas thinking of you, praying for you, and wishing you much strength and comfort as you mourn.
mandie’s last blog post..the real housewife
Betsy says:
Heather – I am sitting here trying to figure out just how to express myself and I am at a loss. What you are going through to seems, to me, to be the most malicious form of torture. I am so sorry your arms are empty! So terribly sorry!
Betsy’s last blog post..Is it pink in Heaven?
Michelle says:
Dear Heather and Mike,
I, like so many others only recently became aware of your beautiful Maddie after she had passed. I cannot begin to tell you how deeply sorry I am. Nor can I explain how deeply she (along with you and Mike) has touched my life. From the moment I linked to your website with the devastating news, you, Mike and Maddie have been a constant in my thoughts, my heart and my prayers.
There has not been a day go by that I haven’t checked your blogs to check in on you….and I do that often throughout the day. The legacy you have created for your darling Maddie is amazing. My heart aches for you and Mike. I cannot imagine what you are going through but you have shown so much grace and devotion during your grief, it’s remarkable…and I know you are doing this for daughter. She has touched so many lives during her 17 months….I loved the way you talked about celebrating her time with you – such a brave way to approach the next part of your journey.
I have been worried about the “after”….once things settle down and you and Mike are alone. I have been praying for you to find strength in one another and take things at your pace, not anyone else’s. Please remember, there are thousands of people thinking of you and sending love and prayers your way.
Michelle in St. Louis
Erica says:
I’m participating in the walk in Boston on May 9th — you, Mike and Maddie will be in my heart while I do what I can to help this amazing organization.
linzandkenzsmommy says:
Just thinking of you and Mike and praying for you…
linzandkenzsmommy’s last blog post..Visit with cousin Raegan
charlane says:
Oh my heart crys for you. My keelyn was born on November 11th 2008 at 32 weeks after a long and complicated pregnancy. I read your story and recognized much of my pregnancy in yours. I had diabetes, I lost almost all of my water (without even recognizing it) then was on bed rest for a month only to have her by emergency c-section. I was terrified then relieved when she breathed, she was real, and alive, and the defination of perfect. And she still is. I am blessed more than I can ever explain or really truly understand. I smell her in my hair sometimes, (or on my clothes depending on our morning) and I smile then I am brought to tears for you. I cannot do anything for you, I cannot make anything better and my words are probably fairly shallow at this time. I just wanted you to know that I think of you and your daughter and I hug and kiss mine more often for it. There are not enough words to say that I am so so sorry for your loss.
charlane’s last blog post..Yea Keelyn!
Mom Gone Mad says:
*entirely at a loss for words and sending huge hugs your way*
Mom Gone Mad’s last blog post..Is Your Fortune Cookie Kind?
Candy says:
I just wanted to say…your daughter was Breathtakeingly (if thats a word???) Beautiful….that smile and those eyes! Hugs and I am praying for your empty arms tonight. Candy Murnan
Mommy to Kya Blu and Jagger Jett
Candy’s last blog post..Hannah Montana Movie
Leslie says:
Oh man…. the hardest part is after all the “stuff” is over… all the events. I am so sorry.
Leslie
Jenny says:
I cannot imagine your loss.
My heart aches for you just thinking about how quiet everything is right now.
You are in my prayers-
jennyalice
Phyllis says:
My heart is so heavy for you. I wish I could shoulder some of your crushing pain. I’ve read some of the other comments and I so hope you get some comfort. There is a lot of love on these pages. And that’s all because of Maddie.
Phyllis’s last blog post..This reminds me of my mom and Hobert. Riveted by the lights and…
Shauna says:
Hey Heather. Just thinking about you guys tonight. Praying that you’re doing okay…whatever ‘okay’ means. Lots of love…
Shauna’s last blog post..Dear Sweet Maddie
Miranda says:
It’s amazing to see so many people come together for the walk like that. But I wish I had words that could ease your pain or even comfort you a little.. but words aren’t enough. Please know that my family is praying for you guys. *hugs*
Miranda’s last blog post..Chisel Class.. I’d rather have a toenail ripped out!
Denise says:
What a beautiful drawing… Your in my thoughts.
Autumn says:
My son is just a month younger than Maddie. He is now cutting his third bottom tooth in the exact spot where Maddie had hers. I touch him and think of your daughter. My body aches for you and your grief. I wish I had the power to go back in time and undo it. I can’t wrap my heart or mind around what you must be feeling, but I keep coming back to this blog and shedding tears over Maddie. I know people loose their children all the time, but I’ve never been so aware of that lose as I am of yours. I’m so very sorry. I celebrate each day with my son in Maddie’s honor. You and your husband are in my thoughts.
Autumn’s last blog post..Feline Friday: no better than a dog!
Della says:
I dunno if you’ll read this since somehow my feeds haven’t been updating and I’m commenting on an old post. And I also didn’t read all 200+ comments so maybe someone else already said it, but maybe the person who asked “how many weeks are you” was asking how many weeks you have survived bereaved.
I think of you every time I see the color purple.
Della’s last blog post..A Whole New Use for Pancakes
Carrie says:
I was forwarded your blog today…and I’m speechless. My heart and my arms, they ache for you. You say you don’t feel strong and inspiring, well coming from a mother who’s biggest fear is your reality I applaud you for speaking, and I applaud you for sharing your story. I applaud you for not crawling into your bed and never coming out as I feel I would in your situation. You and your husband will be in my thoughts and prayers.