I am trying to write something celebratory and happy, because she was here. But the page is blank and the cursor is blinking, alone, on the top left. I can’t think about how happy I am that she was here, because all I can think about is how devastated I am that she’s gone.

On Saturday I spent the majority of my day laying on the floor. It was only supposed to be for a second, to stretch my back. But then I discovered it was ten degrees cooler on the floor. Then Rigby laid next to me. And then I was hit with a wave of sadness, and the weight of it all was too much. So I stayed on the floor, pathetic but not sweating, so at least there’s that.

We’re driving up to the Bay Area today. I’m wondering if this is when it’s going to sink in that Jackie’s really gone. Since we lived 382 miles apart, I have almost convinced myself that she’s just in her apartment in San Francisco. But this will be the first time I’ve gone to Northern California and not seen her…ever. I think when we are driving home in a few days and I won’t have had a dinner or coffee date with her, my “she’s in the city” illusion will finally be shattered.

Of course, the service on Tuesday will probably shatter it first.

But I need to be happy…I need to celebrate! I need to stop crying. I need to write.