Now that I am past the 34 week mark in this pregnancy, I have started to let myself prepare for the arrival of a new baby. I just haven’t been able to let myself start getting things truly ready until now, be it superstition or whatever. Of course, there isn’t much you can really DO before this point – I can dust the nursery every week, but it will have to be dusted again before the hospital. I want the sheets in the bassinet to be fresh, so I’m holding off on those. But the clothes…it’s time to start washing the clothes.
On Tuesday, my mom and I went through Madeline’s drawers. I’d already gone through half of her clothes before, but I had yet to tackle her dresser. We sorted things according to size and type. As I looked at each item of clothing, different memories poured back to me. I could think of occasions for every item of clothing. She was so much fun to dress. Most of the memories were happy and made me laugh. It was harder to come across the clothes I’d bought that she never wore. They reminded me of the hopes and plans I’d had for her.
I went through and pulled out things that I wanted to keep as just Maddie’s. Some things wouldn’t fit Binky even if she were born today, so those were obvious ones to pull.
The first shirt she ever wore, pink camouflage for a little fighter…
…the Daddy’s Girl preemie outfit we surprised Mike with on his birthday…
…her First Christmas onesie.
Other outfits are too closely identified with her in my mind:
the hat she wore when we played dress up…
…her entire St. Patrick’s Day outfit (I used a ribbon as a belt because she was so tall and skinny)…
…her blue ballerina pajamas that were perfect for my tippy toed girl.
I didn’t put everything away that I deemed “Maddie.” Some things I hung in the closet with the hopes seeing Binky in them will make me smile. There are some pink sparkly overalls, pretty coats, and guitar shirts waiting for Binky to be the right size.
Before we went to sleep, Mike and I went through the outfits I’d put aside. We shared memories each outfit brought up, and we cried. I showed him some of the things I’d bought for her in the days before she got sick. We decided to save them for Binky. When she wears them, I will allow myself a moment to think about what Maddie would have done in that outfit, and then Binky and I will go off and create a memory.
Madeline has been gone nine months. It isn’t any easier.
Kim says:
I’m glad Binky will be able to use some of Maddues things, and I hope she can look back at pictures and see how special that is. They will share a bond as sisters even though it’s not earthly.
Today is Gregory’s birthday. I hope all of our angels are looking over us.
((hugs)) to you my strong , brave friend.
.-= Kim´s last blog ..Happy Birthday ….. =-.
Zakary says:
She is just so beautiful.
xo.
.-= Zakary´s last blog ..Raise Your Hand If You Want To Be Friends With Me =-.
Katrina says:
Hard to believe it’s been nine months 🙁
Thinking of you tonight. Wishing you peace.
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..Yay! New Portraits! It’s about time! =-.
Lesley O says:
I can’t imagine the roller coaster of emotions you both must be experiencing at this time.
My heart aches for you and I wish I could take away the pain for you and Mike.
At the same time, knowing that you will soon be making new memories with Binky and getting to share your wonderful memories of Maddie with her little sister makes my heart feel lighter and I cannot wait for the day you and Mike welcome binky to the world!
I am waiting with bated breath for the big day!
Wishing you love and peace.
J in eire says:
Oh heather my heart breaks for you pet, to sort through Maddies things must be heartbreaking for you, yet as always you work through to the light in all the darkness – looking ahead to creating happy memories with binky after allowing yourself to imagine Maddy in those clothes. One day this blog will be the most amazing gift to binky, to see inside her mothers heart.
Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
Love and hugs to you. Maddie is such a bright wee soul, shining through these photos. May you and Binky make great memories together too.
.-= Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last blog ..Good manners are never a waste =-.
Krissa says:
Sending love, (((hugs))) and good thoughts your way. Always.
Lindy says:
Sending you hugs and lots of love. Have you thought about making a memory quilt with some of Maddie’s clothes? I did this with some of my daughters clothes which had special meaning to me. Some people thought I was odd but I love snuggling under the quilt and thinking about what she was doing when she wore them.
Patti McKenna says:
This is actually a very good idea! A friend of mine had all of her son’s sports shirts, baseball, soccer, etc. cut into squares that showed team name, his name, or number, and had a quilt made out of them for him for Christmas. He’s like 12 or 13 and I guess it’s one of his very prized possessions.
A quilt made by a professional seamstress who will lovingly craft something out of Maddie’s clothes that is just as beautiful as Maddie was is a terrific idea. It could hang on a wall, drape a sofa or bed, but it would always be a display of Maddie and the many sides of her personality and her permanent place in the family.
.-= Patti McKenna´s last blog ..Mother Knew Best =-.
amy says:
That is a beautiful idea.
catherine Lucas says:
Will it ever become easier? Who knows…
I think you and Mike will become stronger in coping with it, but I doubt it that it “gets easier”. Losing a child is one of those things that life throws around like a sick joke, a very very sick joke.
Memories are a two sided cutting sword: they can comfort but they also make you painfully aware of what is not and what is missing… Madeline will always be missed, by a lot of people, including me, who never knew her in real life. Looking at my hurt I can not imagine yours… A little girl left a lot of foot prints on thousands, millions of hearts.
.-= catherine Lucas´s last blog ..Stuck in snowy Manchester…. =-.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Heather, your posts always touch me. Thank you for letting us all witness your grief for Maddie and upcoming joy at the arrival of her sister. I hope that in some small way, we can buoy you and Mike up during the especially difficult times; I’m certain that going through sweet Maddie’s clothes was heart wrenching.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..We’re not the sharpest pencils in the box =-.
amanda says:
I am so sorry you are going through so much pain during a time when you should only feel happiness – I wish it was easier – I wish we could make it easier – just want you to know that I love those pics of Maddie and I miss her too.
xo from CT,
Amanda
.-= amanda´s last blog ..it’s all about the benjamins, baby =-.
Cathy ~Tadpoles and Teacups says:
Such a poignant post.
.-= Cathy ~Tadpoles and Teacups´s last blog ..Happy New Year =-.
Sue says:
What a “tug of war”, Heather,,,the sadness for Maddie at one end, and the happiness for Binky at the other.I hope that some day, soon, that space will shorten, and everyone will have a very comforting feeling watching Binky as she does some things exactly the way her big sister did them! I wish you many, many, happen times with Maddie’s little sister!
Hugs to all of you,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Sue says:
P.S. That should have read “happy” times,,,,,,,,,,,,
cj says:
that seems to be such a beautiful way to handle such a difficult task….i love the thought of all of the happy Maddie memories as well as all of the wonderful Binky memories yet to be made.
Liz says:
Her wonderful smile never ceases to amaze me. She really shines.
Wishing you the best in the coming weeks.
.-= Liz´s last blog ..Video =-.
Barbara Howard says:
I wish I had some words of wisdom to share that could add perspective to all of the emotions you and Mike are experiencing now. The journey through 60 years of life, 3 children and 3 grandchildren and far too many deaths of meaningful people in my world have not imparted some gifts; words of comfort in such an emotionally charged time don’t come. You have more insight than I do, Heather. Thank you for sharing it. Know that I am caring for you deeply, and wishing you everything good as you move forward.
Pgoodness says:
I can’t imagine how difficult that was, but it seems like you did it well. You are so amazing, heather.
Mary Ann says:
Oh Heather, sending you hugs.
Aunt Becky says:
How can it have been 9 months already? I can’t believe it. I still can’t. xoxo
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..We’re Getting The BAND Back Together. The DISCO Band. =-.
Erica says:
O dear sweet Heather, I’m crying with you and Mike as I read your moving words today. I can’t even begin to imagine just how difficult it must have been sorting through the clothes and remembering the times Maddie wore her various outfits. Please know that I’m always thinking of you and your family and always even more so on the 7th of every month. I am so honoured to read your words every day and I continue to learn from you every day. You are an amazing lady and such a fantastic Mum. You always carry yourself with such dignity and you are always seeing the positive side. And as for your sense of humour, well that really is something.
Thank you for sharing today’s adorable photos of your gorgeous girl, she is one of a kind and always will be – just like her Mum.
Thinking of you lovely lady.
With love
Erica
Angie says:
That had to be a difficult time. I think it is great that you chose things that would always hold only Maddie memories and others that the memories would be either shared or brand new. The time before Binky comes is so important for you and Mike to continue to process such a new loss(9 months is fresh) before greating your new joy!
Jenny says:
Congrats on 34 weeks. I’m sending warm wishes for continued health and gestation. My wishes might be the only warm thing in my house right now… hovering around zero here.
Maddie is beautiful.
Jenny
.-= Jenny´s last blog ..popping the packaging materials =-.
gemini-girl says:
It will never get easier… Only more bearable as the months and years pass. That is what I am told. I love the way you used to dress maddie moo… I loved the way we could spot the brand from a mile away bec we did way too much shopping for the girls. There are so many happy memories… The pictures show it all. You and mike gave her the best life possible. You could tell she was bursting with happiness. I love you. I love binky…. and I will forever love maddie. I can’t wait for more happy memories to be made.
Karrie says:
Heather, I have never responded to a blog before, but I just have to tell you that today as I got my kids ready for school, I was at my wits end with both. They were bickering and I had had enough. I was about to lose it when I actually stopped in my tracks and realized how lucky I am to hear my children fighting and nitpicking. I hugged them both and the looks on their faces were priceless. 🙂 I appreciate you putting your life out here for all of us. You are making a diffrence in the way I live my life and I am sure there are countless others. My kids probably appreciate you too, because other wise they would have gotten grounded today LOL. Thanks again..
Sincerely,
Karrie
chatty cricket says:
I try not to leave the “Oh Heather” comments too often, or at all. But this just poked a hole right in that steely reserve and so here it is:
Oh, oh Heather. I’m sorry you have to hold Maddie’s clothes and hug them instead of looking at Maddie’s little outfits and then at her and marveling over how much she’s grown. Unfair. Heart aches.
Having said that, I cannot wait to hear all about the adventures that you have with Binky. Because 34 weeks?! OMG!!!
-xo
ClassyFabSarah says:
I don’t know what to say… other than hugs to you and Mike and Binky.
I just know that Maddie can’t wait for you to meet Binky…
.-= ClassyFabSarah´s last blog ..Snowpocalypse 2009 =-.
Jenn says:
OOHHh Sweet, Beautiful Heather….so many tears, such heart break….endless sorrow yet, new hope, new love at the same time. Loving, supporting and sending you my friendship.
Jenn
designHer Momma says:
Heather –
What you are going through right now is beyond tough both physically and emotionally.
I am so proud of you.
~emily
xoxo
.-= designHer Momma´s last blog ..Out with the Old, In with the New =-.
tina says:
Hurting for you and loving you. xo
Katie C. says:
So wonderful that you are saving some things of Maddie’s for Binkie. I am sure that she will always cherish her big sister’s things! And yeah for 34 weeks!
habanerogal says:
I second the wishes for continued gestation and health. Bet you never knew how long those last few weeks would feel. At least you are tall and the huge belly hopefully won’t make you tip over as much as I did. Can anyone say weeble?
.-= habanerogal´s last blog ..Whore-moan or whore-mouth take your pick =-.
Heather says:
My husband is insisting I set you straight – I am only five foot three. But I am relishing that you called me tall!
Nikki says:
Passing down some of Maddie’s clothes to Binky will be the perfect way for her to cherish her sister’s memory.
I can’t believe it’s been 9 months. 🙁 Here’s wishing peace and strength and love to you Mike.
XOXO
Michele says:
Beautifully said, Nikki – this is how I feel as well.
My heart aches for you and Mike, and your strength astounds me.
Thinking of you, Mike, Binky, Rigby and your angel Maddie,
Michele in Staten Island NY
.-= Michele´s last blog ..Baked =-.
Midwest Mommy says:
The hat with the wig is one of my favorite pictures of Maddie.
.-= Midwest Mommy´s last blog ..It’s the details. =-.
dawn says:
I think it’s fair to Binks this way – she’ll have to share some of her sister’s things – because that’s what happens when you aren’t the first child. By putting some things away it also will let Bink be Bink and not have to try to be Mads.
Lisa says:
Nine months, it just doesn’t seem real still. My heart and thoughts are with you guys as always. Hugs sweet friend.
I think you did a wonderful thing keeping some of the clothes as just Maddie clothes and others that Binky will wear so you can remember Maddie and share new memories with Binky in them.
Love and hugs.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Prenatal Screenings =-.
nic @mybottlesup says:
9 months??? how on earth has it been 9 months??? for what it’s worth, you have all been on my mind and in my heart for the last 9 + months, and always will be.
.-= nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..weeping =-.
Courtney says:
I’m glad Binky will be able to wear some of Maddie’s clothes and share in the beautiful memory of her! God Bless!
Sarah says:
Nine months is such an impossibly short amount of time. I know that must have been so hard to do, Heather, to go through all of her clothes. Hard but necessary. Never forget that just like your little Maddie, you too are a fighter. Though we’ve never met or communicated, I feel as if I know you because of all you’ve shared through your blog. And though it feels a bit odd to say, I am so very proud of you. Keep on fighting through the grief. BIG hug.
Mary says:
It’s amazing the strength that can be brought to the front, when you may not have even known you had it. And although mine was not the loss of a child, I’d also guess that as you hear/read of people saying you’re strong, you likely don’t feel like it. It’s the keeping going when you want to curl up, the smiling when you want to cry and scream, the screaming when it needs to be done…those are the things that make up the quiet strength of being. So when you someone mentions that you are amazing, believe that you are. You shouldn’t have to deal with this and it’s horrible that you do, but the good that is coming out of this tragedy? THAT is amazing and it’s coming because you and Mike are bringing it.
Continued prayers and positive thoughts that these last weeks are uneventful. Can’t wait to meet the bean.
Deborah says:
I hurt for you today, and I love you (and Mike!). Thinking of you all.
(((hugs)))
.-= Deborah´s last blog ..New Drawing =-.
Megan says:
I am so looking forward to Binky photos. I love Maddie’s outfits, especially the yellow and black one. I don’t think I’d ever seen the dress-up hat before. Every time I see these photos I smile and then cry. Thank you so much for opening up and letting us get to know a little piece of your little girl.
AmazingGreis says:
It may not get easier, but just know that the love I have for you, Mike, Maddie & Binky is there always and FOREVER!! Thinking about you all today (every day for the past 9 months) and ALWAYS!!! XOXO
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..HORNS up… =-.
MFA Mama says:
Awww, honey. That couldn’t have been easy and I’m so glad to hear that you were able to relive some good memories. I’d seen the picture of Maddy in her “dress-up” hat before but OMG SO CUTE. And the ribbon-belt…bestill my heart. *sniff* Binky is going to be adorable in her hand-me-downs.
suzanne says:
Binky is going to rock those pink overalls. I’m sending hugs to you and on cheering Binky.
J says:
You’ll create wonderful new memories with Binky, but the wonderful memories with Maddie will always be there, too.
You are so strong.
.-= J´s last blog ..Yoga =-.
jen says:
(((Hugs)))
I love the pic of Maddie in the hat and sweater combo; so stylish!
Prayers comin’ at ya!
.-= jen´s last blog ..do over =-.
Elizabeth says:
Thinking of you always xoxo
charlane says:
Your strength and grace are amazing. You always say that you were lucky to have had Maddie but I hope you know that Binky and Maddie are lucky to have a Mommy in you.
.-= charlane´s last blog ..FLASH DANCE =-.
Bee says:
I can’t believe how long its been, and my heart aches. I couldn’t sleep last night, so I compiled some of the pictures of Maddie that were my favorites when I started reading your blog and made a video.
here’s the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhLcyP2FA8Q
so many people love you, mike, and your sweet baby girl.
Sharon says:
My thoughts are with you.
xoxo
Trisha Vargas says:
You are one of the toughest and bravest women I have ever known. I cannot even imagine how difficult that was for you to go through Maddie’s clothes. I think you handled it perfectly.
Binky will grow to be proud of wearing her big sis’s clothes once she learns what a special sister Maddie truly is.
(((HUGS))) from your Friend in Florida
farrellmo@yahoo.com says:
This post touched me so much. I am sitting here crying for you and Mike. I have a little girl and know how much the outfits become associated with her. I can’t imaging your having the clothes but not your daughter anymore. It just isn’t fair. I think is is great that Binky will share some of her sister’s clothes, but I completely understand that some of those outfits are pure Maddy and always will be. I can’t wait to hear the good news of Binky’s arrival.
amy2boys says:
OMG the dress up hat is too precious! Made me laugh!
Heather, I couldn’t hug you tight enough right now if you were standing in front of me. This must have been so incredibly difficult and you are so brave. We see where Maddie got those traits from.
xoxo and prayers every day —
Amy
.-= amy2boys´s last blog ..A Resolve =-.
Shana says:
I don’t think it will ever get easier, or better. I’ve had people come to me, and say that after 17 years, or 23 years, that it does get easier, but I don’t know that I believe them and also feel like it will never get better. I have experienced each holiday, birthday, anniversary differently, and am already anxious about marking year three since Mom died, next month. But easier, or better? Nope, not ever, I say. 9 months, or 9 years, or 9 children later, it just is what it is. Hard and heavy.
.-= Shana´s last blog ..10 on Tuesday =-.
Megan says:
It doesn’t get any easier. Feelings may change but they will not get any easier.
I can’t wait to hear about your memories with Binky!
fidget says:
Heather, I never know what to say. You are so strong and I can not wait to see Binky share some of Maddie’s clothes
.-= fidget´s last blog ..Bliss =-.
cindy w says:
Thinking of you guys today. Always praying for Maddie & her little sister. xoxo
.-= cindy w´s last blog ..on jet lag & sickness =-.
Kristin says:
It takes a very, very long time for it to get any easier…and, even after many years, there will be days that bring you to your knees. Thinking of you and praying for you as Binky’s arrival draws near.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..SHOW AND TELL: Good News All Around =-.
Dee says:
You will know joy again.
jen says:
i have a pair of little snowman socks bought specifically for the baby that we lost. they always ended up in the girls’ drawers … but i could never put them into those little socks. i’m sure they’ll make it back into this baby’s drawer … but i’m almost positive he’ll never see them on his feet.
i guess what i’m saying is … i understand … just a little bit.
thinking of you.
.-= jen´s last blog ..another reason why i love my husband … =-.
Kellee says:
Binky will totally (and proudly) rock her big sisters. Your giving her a gift of allowing her a way to connect with her sister. *hugs and hugs*
.-= Kellee´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday Diptych #4: Cozy =-.
Tara. says:
“When she wears them, I will allow myself a moment to think about what Maddie would have done in that outfit, and then Binky and I will go off and create a memory.”
This was my favorite part. Even though I know it’s not easier, I can see signs of your heart moving forward, which is amazing. You’re so strong and you’re such an amazing Mother. Maddie and Binky are so blessed to have you. I think it will be so special to see Binky in Maddie’s clothes. Maddie would be so excited to share her clothes with her baby sister.
.-= Tara.´s last blog ..Just Me. =-.
robin says:
I cannot believe it has been 9 months. I miss her so much, thanks for sharing about her here all of the time. Wishing your family peace.
.-= robin´s last blog ..I just saved myself $40 =-.
Ginger says:
Oh Honey, I am sorry the clothes job was so bittersweet. It is for all moms, even those of us who didn’t lose a child, so don’t beat yourself up at all. I have cried buckets just sorting through the boxes and thinking of the preemie days and the 0-3 months days and so on. You didn’t stand a chance yesterday and I am sorry that it hurt you so. But you are right – you and Binky will now create new memories, and itr won’t take the sting away of losing Maddie but it will put more sweet in your bittersweet life.
.-= Ginger´s last blog ..Haiku Friday – post Christmas blues =-.
Andrea's Sweet Life says:
I can’t imagine *when* it would get any easier.
I’m so glad you guys went through her clothes and shared some memories together. Madeline was such a fashionista!
.-= Andrea’s Sweet Life´s last blog ..Loyalty =-.
Mer says:
9 months, my goodness. Maddie is still in my thoughts. Her pictures as always are breathtaking.
MJ says:
You are strong, and brave to tell your story. Your words and Maddie’s story mean more to people than you can imagine, I am sure of that! Thank you for sharing.
Angela says:
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, but I’ve never commented. I can’t imagine the pain you guys are going through and wish that nobody ever had to experience it. Madeline is a beautiful girl.
Dianne says:
Love, love, love the dress up hat with the long hair! What a sweetie pie! I think your idea to dress Binkie in some of Madeline’s clothes and cherish both the old and new memories is a beautiful idea. Congrats on making it to the 34 week mark…you are in the home stretch now!
Liz says:
Heather,
If my heart breaks after reading a few hundred words that describe your feelings, I can’t imagine what you go through every day that your beautiful Maddie is not here with you. I cry and I want it to be different for you and I don’t even know you in real life! I know you will make amazing memories with your little Binky and I know that your memories of Maddie with forever be held in your heart! Wishing you all the best in these last few weeks of pregnancy and as always hopign for a safe and healthy birth!
Hugs,
Liz
damaris says:
I’ve been thinking a lot about you these couple of days. I read your blog often and have wanted to meet you and give you a hug many times. Today I wish you could meet my dear friend Natalie, whose son is dying in the hospital. I wish you could both meet. I wish you could give her a hug.
.-= damaris´s last blog ..Praying for a Miracle =-.
Kim says:
You know how I feel about this. It’s hard. I love you. I can’t wait to see this Miss Binky and the memories you all make together.
xoxoxo
.-= Kim´s last blog ..Move Over Alton Brown =-.
Chrisie says:
((((BIG HUGS))))
Marie says:
My thoughts are with you. Joy will find you again.
Danielle says:
My heart breaks for you and yet I am so happy that Maddie will have a sister to look down on and smile upon. She is going to be so proud.
.-= Danielle´s last blog ..I am a follower! =-.
Abby says:
Wow. I don’t even know you guys and I can’t believe it’s been nine months…it seems like I read the horrible news just yesterday.
Good luck with Binky’s soon-to-be arrival!!
bemytomato says:
Congrats on 34 weeks! Your belly (Miss Binky) is so beautiful. As are the pictures of your sweet Maddie. Your writing is so beautiful, and the emotions so raw. My thoughts are with you daily.
xo
.-= bemytomato´s last blog ..Purple Rain =-.
Glenda says:
Heather, I can’t believe it’s 9 mos. My heart breaks for you and Mike. I’m hoping that as soon as you hold Binky that the bittersweet moments are far less and the joy is far more. I’m so glad that Binky will be able to wear some of Maddie’s clothes. That’s great and that’s great that you and Binky will be making new memories together and you will always and forever have the memories you and Maddie made very close in your heart. Sending you hugs XXX and the best of luck for the next month!
damaris says:
Heather,
my friends baby just passed away. I plead, please, please, please reach out to her. please.
http://www.natalienortonphoto.com/2010/01/gavin-david-bruce-norton.html
.-= damaris´s last blog ..I don’t understand. =-.
Kelley Land says:
Nine months. Unbelievable. Unreal. Wrong. I love seeing pictures of your little fairy girl. She should be here to greet her sister, to see her wear these “hand-me-downs.” I don’t imagine it can ever be easy to live without a source of so much love and light. I am thinking of you as you get ready to meet Binky. I have no doubt that you will love her truly, madly, deeply too. I hope she’ll bring a little healing as you hold her in your arms and also think of your first gal.
.-= Kelley Land´s last blog ..It’s on Me =-.
Debbie says:
Oh, Heather…I wish I could give you a hug. For what it’s worth, I think you are doing this exactly the right way. Binky gets some hand-me-downs, just as she would if Maddie was still here, but she’s still her own person… I like how you put it at the end of that paragraph…that you two would then go create a new memory together. That is beautiful and sweet. As always, you and your family are in my thoughts.
.-= Debbie´s last blog ..Longish Day =-.
Stacy says:
Heather, today is my 24th birthday. I want you to know that when I woke up this morning, the first thing I thought wasn’t “It’s my birthday” but “It’s been 9 months.” I think about your family so often it’s almost weird, considering we’ve never met (although I have followed your blog almost since the beginning). I pray for you guys so often, and I wanted to let you know that you’re especially on my mind today.
Marti from Michigan says:
Your post today caused tears for me. I’m so sorry you had to tackle Maddie’s chest of drawers.
Maddie is a wonderful big sister! She has prepared for her little sister by giving many gifts of clothing for her. What a wonderful, sharing sister! Maddie will be there forever for Binky and for all of you. She will be there to guide Binky through life.
I sent that beautiful poem that was written on my mother’s funeral cards. This past week, our community has been saddened by an 11 year old boy who was killed in a sledding accident. It broke my heart as I have an 11 year old grandson who also enjoys sledding. But this is breath-taking poem that was written on his funeral cards, I wish this for Maddie as well:
“Don’t weep at my grave, For I am not there…..I’ve got a date with a butterfly, to dance on the air. If I’m missed, find a flower….I’ll be there too, sniffing its fragrance, right next to you.
Don’t be sad when you remember me, For I’m singing in the sunshine, wild and free; flirting with the lightning, playing tag with the wind, chasing the thunder time and again…..soaring with the eagle, swimming in the sea, enjoying all of nature, while I’m waiting for thee.”
Author: Sharon Bryington.
Trisha Vargas says:
Beautiful poem Marti.
Cheryl says:
I love looking at all the pictures you post of Maddie, but the picture of her in the long, red hair hat she used to play dress up is now my absolute favorite!
Dawn says:
9 months….
Binky will wear her sister’s clothes proudly, I’m sure!
Here’s to MANY great memories!
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..Flatterers look like friends, as wolves like dogs. =-.
Camie says:
Sending lots of love and hopes your way.
.-= Camie´s last blog ..Thus Far. =-.
Shannon says:
I don’t post often, but I read every day. I can’t wait for Binky to arrive, and I still cry with you for the loss of Maddie. She was so adorable and happy. I’m praying for Binky to stay in there long enough for you to bring her home with you. I pray she will be healthy and just as snuggly as your precious Maddie.
Mary says:
Nine months…can it really have been that long a time?…that short a time? I continue to weep alongside you, as I have done for nine months. Now I weep with more knowledge of the undescribableness of losing a child (my nephew died in Nov). The pain & grief are always under the surface.
I also join you, though, in the joy of expecting little Binky. I know she will be a joy to you.
As for those wonderful pictures of Maddie: LOVE the plaid sweater & hat with flowing red hair. A little Irish lass indeed! I know that someday Binky will sit with you & look at those clothes & pictures & listen to the stories you have & fall in love with her big sister all over again. As for the clothes she will wear that once belonged to her big sis~I know she will wear them with flair & joy and you will have multilpe memories of your girls dressed to the nines.
.-= Mary´s last blog ..Uninspired? =-.
Jen L. says:
Gosh, 9 months. I”m glad you are keeping some stuff that’s just Maddie’s and I’m equally happy that you’ll be able to share that part of her with her little sister. Thinking of you and Mike today and sending prayers and love.
.-= Jen L.´s last blog ..Two Years, Part 2 =-.
Rebecca says:
Lots of prayers for you Heather and Mike and baby Binky
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..How Did You Meet?? =-.
Danny says:
That process sounds both agonizing and poignant. I can’t believe it’s been nine months already. For us, too, since we lost our son. Oliver didn’t have any clothes yet (not even any gifts since our twins were four months early) but the more Charlie grows and the more we love, love, love him, the more (not less) I think about his brother.
So glad you are already at 34 weeks. I hope you go to 40, but as the dad of a micro-preemie, I’m no longer worried if Binky decides to make an early entrance! I wish you both so much joy with that lucky little girl.
.-= Danny´s last blog ..Still Drooling After All These Years =-.
Shannon Kieta says:
Oh Heather, not to sound like a pessimist, but it will NEVER get easier. The pain may lessen, but you will never stop missing Maddie, never stop dripping tears, and never stop “wondering what if’s” and that’s okay because you are an exceptional mama and that’s what exceptional mama’s do. My sister has been gone a year Jan 3rd and I still miss her like she just [assed away yesterday. Death is so final and sucks so bad. But I try to think that someday we will all be together again…SOMEDAY!
Adventures In Babywearing says:
So precious.
Steph
.-= Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..Calling all angels =-.
Shana in Texas says:
You inspire me to be better every day. Hugs to you and Mike.
p.s. I really want to rub your belly! Maybe if you just face east it will reach me here in Texas?
Rebecca says:
I wish Maddie and Binky were going to be fighting over clothes like sisters are supposed to do. I know though that Binky will wear them beautifully and I’m glad you are keeping some as keepsakes.
Molly says:
Wow, hard to believe it’s been nine months. It feels like just yesterday even to me, a complete stranger. You are so brave to tackle things head on the way you do and you have such a good attitude about making new memories with Binky. I hope it will help you guys to heal a little.
Molly says:
PS: The hat, it is priceless!
Angela says:
Wishing you the best last 5 weeks possible !! I always love seeing your little Maddie’s pics..her smile is priceless 🙂
LOVE the dress up hat one…she looks so happy to have all that hair LOL 🙂
Angela-From Minnesota
mythoughtsonthat says:
Why should it get easier?!
And your girl….such a doll!
Faith….hope….Love….Peace.
SJ says:
Just wanted to send a note to say that I think you’re amazing Heather. You inspire me everyday. You have so much love in your heart for your two girls.
Karla says:
I’m so sorry for your loss. This post made me cry. I love to see pictures of Maddie. I love the one with the wig. She had such a vibrant smile. You’ve come so far with Binky, you’re almost there!
AC says:
My grandmother had a stillborn baby in 1948, and her husband died a few months after that. She only talked of them in the later years of her life and described that time as a black hole in her life. She was not allowed to name or dress her baby, and I don’t think she was allowed to hold her very long. She went on to remarry my grandfather and have my mother and have a very good life. She kept a trunk full of things from her past life at the end of her bed in her bedroom. She recently passed away and in the trunk we found her stillborn baby’s and her husbands clothes, as well as a piece of paper with the quote “I only know 3 things about life: it goes on. -Robert Frost”
Tam says:
Heather,
I don’t know if this is the right place to leave this comment, but i don’t know how else to contact you.
On Monday of this week, we lost our precious daughter Ariana Rose, born at 29 weeks gestation with Hydrops Fetalis, and Anemia. She fought hard and long just to be born alive and we are so grateful we had four days with her before she couldn’t fight anymore. Obviously, her entire life was spent in the NICU.
I just wanted to say to you, A. I admire your strength as you face daily the loss of your precious Maddie. B. The Friends of Maddie foundation, to support parents during the NICU time, is fabulous. We don’t have something like that here (Australia), or at least our hospital did not. There is such a need for the service your providing and i am so proud of you and Mike for what your doing there. Hopefully one day soon, we migth be able to do something similar here.
I”m so sorry for your loss, and sorry to say i now know the pain, and the loss despite different circumstances. I pray for you daily – and I look forward to hearing about the birth of your precious Binky – (not yet though!!, no more early babies please!)
Lesley O says:
Tam, I am sorry to hear of your loss and admire your strength in sharing your loss during such a difficult time.
As a former NICU mom, I also admire Heather and Mikes Friends of Maddie Foundation and have hopes of providing such a service here in Vancouver, BC someday soon.
My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.
Jess says:
When my gram died my heart broke into a million pieces. She traveled cross country twice, collecting t-shirts from every stop. I gathered all those t-shirts and for 6 years just held on to them. Smelling her perfume, crying. My older cousin suggested I take my favorite shirts and send them to her for her to make me a quilt out of them. Now every night I curl up under a quilt filled with my gram’s memories. I can look at all the shirts and just see gram.
Maybe, and you will know when the time is right, you can have some of Maddie’s stuff made into a quilt. You don’t have to do what I did, sleep with it. You could frame it. It would be fitting.
many hugs and love to you.
anymommy says:
I know it isn’t. I can’t wait to see binky’s pictures in the things you saved for her. I always love looking at Maddie’s pictures.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..Secret Garden =-.
Michelle Pixie says:
Sending you lots of love and hugs now and always.
.-= Michelle Pixie´s last blog ..Happy Birthday, Dad =-.
Jillian says:
I just found your blog. I must say that my heart cried from reading your story. I’m a new mama myself, with a 4 month old little boy — and there’s nothing I can really say to comfort you for your loss. So, I’m adding your little Maddie and your new little bundle to my prayers. May this new year be blessed for you 🙂
.-= Jillian´s last blog ..Forgetting =-.
Debby says:
Heather, such sadness you have lived and blessing of joy that are to come. The sunshine of Maddies face is forever burned in my mind and heart. I am so excited that you are being given a sweet new little one to love. God is good and He loves you. I cannot wait to meet Maddies sister.
.-= Debby´s last blog ..HAPPY BIRTHDAY SKYE =-.
Erica says:
Theses pictures are precious. I love the argyle hat and sweater. How special those clothes will be to Maddie’s little sister.
.-= Erica´s last blog ..Extra, Extra… =-.
Tina says:
My goodness you are so strong. Only nine months ago…..
I am so excited for you to meet your Binky!!!
Prayers, prayers, and more prayers 🙂
Ginny says:
You are such a strong, amazing woman! Best wishes to you in your remaining weeks with Binky on the “inside”. She will be a very loved and lucky little girl.
Nichol says:
Just wanted to say hello and how wonderful you are. It’s such a great idea for Binky. I read your blog everyday…although don’t comment as often as I should. Madeline is thought of all the time and I’m so excited to walk for her and all the other angel babies this year. Hugs.
.-= Nichol´s last blog ..77 Kids by American Eagle $7.77 and up sale! =-.
Maria Delgado says:
Thank you for sharing this.
Michele says:
This brought tears to my eyes. Thinking of you tonight.
.-= Michele´s last blog ..On the Wall =-.
Sarah M. says:
Thank you for posting such beautiful pictures, Heather. Maddie’s amazing personality really shines through & I absolutely love the pic of her playing dress up. What an absolute doll!
God bless.
Colleen says:
I look forward to reading about the moments you pause to reflect on what Maddie would have done, and then read about the adventures you will create with Binky. I really, really look forward to that.
Nine months. All I can do is shake my head and send you love. I so wish it didn’t have to be this way.
So much love. Always.
.-= Colleen´s last blog ..A Walk to Remember =-.
tara says:
heather – i think of you, mike, maddie and binky every single day, and am always sending you love and hugs. you are so brave, heather, and such an inspiration – i admire your strength. i can’t wait to hear about bunky’s arrival. xo
Ashley says:
I always find it an emotional rollercoaster sorting our girls clothes, and I’ve never faced your loss. I’m glad to hear that you’ve save things that are strictly Maddie. Won’t it be special to pull those out when Binky’s older and tell her tales of her big sister! My oldest is 3 and loves hearing about when she was a baby or when Mommy was a baby, I can only imagine Binky will be the same.
.-= Ashley´s last blog ..Can you say All Terrain Vehicle? =-.
Bridget says:
I just want to scoop her out of the pictures. The cuteness is unreal.
Always thinking of you guys.
Ann says:
Tears for me tonight. My cousins lost their 12 yr old son in an acciden 8 years ago. His younger brother survived the same accident and was left as an only child. My cousins hadn’t planned anymore children as their boys were 9 and 12. A few years after their loss they decided to try for another child—another boy:) Healthy and happy and looking just like his guardian angel big brother. I just know that my cousin looked at him and imagined that she was starting over with her first born. as she so often said he looked just like his brother. As I imagine I would do if I were in the same situation. Two years after the new baby…a surprise…a baby sister (very unexpected). My cousin said to me once that she would never be complete again-ever. She also talked about how much joy was in her life with her 3 living children and how at one point she never expected to feel that joy again. But she did. She experiences sorrow every day for the child that should be there. But now as she talks about her loss she smiles more. About the things he did that his brothers and sisters also do. How they all look alike, smell alike. The babies bring her comfort and joy she never expected to feel again. Joy through sorrow is a powerful emotion. And a bit confusing I imagine. You are so deserving of joy in your life, and Maddie will be rejoicing too when you hold her baby sister for the first time.
Laura says:
There are no words. Just love and prayers and hugs. You are stronger than you know, you are an amazing person and mother, and I will pray extra hard for you and your daughters tonight.
Haley says:
Your strength touches me every time I’m here.
Maddie is just so beautiful..I know Binkie will be too.
Al_Pal says:
*sniff* Hard to believe 9 months have passed. Time seemed to fly by more than ever in the past year, many people thought. I imagine it was fast and slow for you at different times. I meant to send a thinking of you tweet yesterday. You and Maddie [and Mike and Rigby and Binky] were definitely on my mind.
Those outfits are so much fun. I hadn’t seen the argyle before; the long hair is too precious. That outfit and the St. Patty’s day one really show the little girl she was becoming. Such a happy and beautiful girl.
Congratulations on 34 weeks. Sending relaxing energies and *HUGS*,
Al Pal
Assertagirl says:
Before Nate was born I washed baby clothes (we got a TON of second hand stuff) and they were just bits of fabric, snaps and buttons. Now that he is here, when I wash those same things after he has worn them, they have taken on a new life of their own, something I would never have anticipated. Even the things he’s grown out of, I have trouble giving away. I can’t imagine how those pretty things hanging in Maddie’s closet must affect you and Mike. You and Binky will make such lovely memories with them. xo
.-= Assertagirl´s last blog ..Babytalk. =-.
Laura says:
I am so sorry you and your husband are in so much pain with Maddie’s passing. Every post brings pain and tears to my eyes too. I love my son as much as you love Maddie so I understand. I’m just heartfully sorry you’re going through this. I hope the joy of a new baby will help bring some light into your eyes, heart, and spirit.
Noelle says:
I wasn’t able to let go of a single thing my daughter wore the first year of life, so I can only imagine how you must be feeling.
It’s so hard to believe nine months has gone by. I don’t comment on every single post anymore but it’s not because I’m not thinking of you and Maddie–it’s because my words feel hollow. But I read every word you write and I’m always praying for peace and strength for your family.
Donna Schwerman says:
Heather, I’vebeen lurking on your blog since my daughter(Jamie) told me to log on…now i read it everyday. Jamie has a daughter that was born at 28 weeks at 1lb. 15 oz. We have been blessed with no long term health issues. I send my sympathy for Maddie and my joy for binky. My youngest daughter is now pregnant at 17 weeks and has been diagnosed with the MTHFR mutation one concern is thrombosis and may need levonex injections twice daily. Coule u please e-mail me with your clotting disorder and ur injections? Have u thought about having a quilt made with some of Maddies clothes as a keepsake? go to Willowcreekstudio.net to find out more. May God watch over your beautiful family. Donna
Amanda says:
For all the pain I know it’s born from, you have a miraculous gift of inspiring others to not fear cherishing memories. Your honor os Maddie and Binky is nothing short of awesome.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..When Dad is away… =-.
Chrissy says:
No one expects it to get easier for you guys, Heather but you and your entire family are amazing and I know Maddie is so proud of all of you. Can’t wait to hear of Binky’s arrival! No doubt Maddie sends her love out into the universe to carry you all through this bittersweet time.
Superjules says:
No I can’t imagine that it would be any easier. She’s your baby. Much love to you and your family. <3