The last two days have been rough. Sunday was Mother’s Day, and Monday would have been a big milestone – Maddie would have hit the 18th month mark. I rarely identified Maddie by months once she hit one. I never said she was “fourteen months old” or anything. Just one. So I was really looking forward to saying, “one and a half.” I have a feeling the seventh of every month is going to transport me back to the PICU and the horror of watching Maddie pass in front of me, and the eleventh of every month is going to leave me yearning for what could have been.
I woke up in Mother’s Day with a lot of sadness. There was no Maddie to snuggle while Mike made me breakfast in bed. I slept on the couch because the idea of no Maddie in bed on Mother’s Day was too much to bear. I received some beautiful flowers:
The card was signed from Mike, Rigby, and Maddie.
My mom and brother came over. We went to some of Maddie’s places. The Promenade, the Farmer’s Market, and her park. We saw the turtles…
…and the ducks. The ducks have had babies.
Maddie would have loved the baby ducks. BAY BEE DUK!
My grandma was a huge influence on my life, so it was natural and right that my mom would be a huge influence on Maddie’s. My mom and I sat together the majority of Mother’s Day, aching for our daughter and granddaughter. Missing her so badly. Yearning to hold and kiss her.
The light of of our lives is gone, and it’s hard to see in the darkness.
Skye Johansen says:
I have just spent hours reading your story, looking through tons of pictures of your beautiful daughter and I just wanted to say I’m so so sorry. I can’t even imagine how painful this must be for you. I can’t get over how beautiful and vivacious she is. THOSE EYES, and that smile are burned into my mind and I will be thinking and praying for you often. I’m so sorry.
My heart aches for you — it truly does. I’m at a loss for words tonight. Just know that there are so many mourning with you, so many who ache for your loss, so many of us out here who care and who would give anything to get that light back in your life again.
Katrina’s last blog post..Madeline Spohr
My heart aches for you too, even though we’ve never met, I feel like i know you from your blog, you trully have a gift for writing, which makes it easier to connect/understand your feelings…….
this quote i live by maybe it will help you too
“Trust in the dark, what you saw in the Light”
I can not imagine the pain you are going through, but we all care about you all soo soo much !
I am so sorry.
amanda’s last blog post..Zoloft is my BFF
I am so glad your mum is there to support you. My mum has been wonderful (and also sad) since we lost Finn.
She’s with you still – every step of the way and always will be.
As a mother who also buried a daughter, I am grieving with you. Even 3 children later, it still aches…I wish I could say it didn’t. I wish some peace for you
Viera Aarts says:
I am reading your blog since Madeline died, and I am so sorry. I have also daughter Evelien ( Read Evelyn). When she was born, I wanted her to wear pink, but since Madeline, I started to buy purple for her.
I have 2 children ( a boy and a girl ). I come from Slovakia, but I live in The Netherlands. Every year is in Holland a contest : Baby of the year. This year is Evelien also there. The winner get 10 000 euro’s. If Evelien wins, I wil donate some of that money to MARCH OF DIMES in the name of MADELINE ALICE SPOHR.
Can you please vote for our Evelien to get to the finale, she needs every vote she can get. She wil be representing the baby’s who couldn’t make it. Can I have some foto of Madeline? I would like to make a ‘T-shirt with Madeline’s foto on it. And if Evelien gets to the finale, she wil wears it.
http://www.babyvanhetjaar.nl/baby/2395 (name EVELIEN AARTS )
If anyone want to vote, please send me a message and I wil write you how to vote.
This was a heartbreaking post and I’m at a loss for words. I’m sorry. You are always in my thoughts.
I truly cannot even begin to imagine what it was like for you to watch her slip away… I never want to imagine it, and I certainly never want to know what that pain would be like… I think the only consolation at all would be that she had you there for her.
It is so difficult to know what to say to you… Nothing will bring her back, nothing will ease the pain, nothing is right. But somehow it seems more wrong to not say anything at all – like ignoring Maddie. Maddie deserves so much more than that. You deserve so much more than that… I know it has nothing on the difficulties that you are going through yourself.
I am so glad that you have the support of your loving family. Glad that you and Mike have each other – and Rigby. You will always have your beautiful memories, and nobody can take them away.
My hope for you is that the 11th takes on a different meaning – not of everything that may have been, but of everything that she has been. A celebration of your amazing little girl rather than regrets for lost hopes and dreams.
You and Mike constantly amaze me with your strength and grace.
Kelly’s last blog post..Sick. But not too sick to go after Linden!
I am so sorry, I thought about you all day, knowing it would be very difficult.
coloradolady’s last blog post..Shocking Garden Finds: I Swear it is True!
No one on earth should have to go through the pain that you and your family are enduring. I thought of you several times throughout the day on Sunday. I often think of you and Maddie when I go walking very early in the morning – and especially when I see the purple flowers that seem to have bloomed everywhere. I wish the hurt we all felt for you would somehow relieve the hurt that you are feeling, but of course it can’t. Your family sounds amazing, by the way.
xo from CT,
amanda’s last blog post..today part 2
I know it isn’t how it SHOULD HAVE been, but it looks like you were able to spend some time with your Maddie the best way you could. I can’t imagine how bad it hurts. May God give you strength.
Candice’s last blog post..Happy Mother’s Day
All my love, as always.
Bec’s last blog post..Don’t forget
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Thinking of you, so much!
Lynn from For Love or Funny’s last blog post..What I did for Mother’s Day
Hairy Farmer Family says:
I’m so sad for you, honey. Just so sad.
Hairy Farmer Family’s last blog post..I want a bigger glass!
Crying with you this morning, Heather. Sending more hugs your way.
I spent Mother’s day thinking of you and your daughter and felt a sence of guilt to have mine with me. My heart just swells for you and your family, I guess that is the best way that I can say it. I wish that I could offer you more support, that I could help you carry less sadness and grief, that I could be a stronger encourgaement, but I cannot. I can only continue to think of you, to wish you well, to hope you find some peace each day, even if it is just for a minute or two. I hope that the knowledge that You Maddie, Mike, and Rigby are in a constant thought for me brings some sence of support no matter how small.
charlane’s last blog post..Happy Half Way Day
I’m sorry that it was so hard for you over the past two days. I wish I could lighten your load, even just a little. I can’t imagine what it feels like to wake up without your beautiful Maddie next to you, and I desperately wish you and Mike didn’t know that feeling either. You are in my thoughts.
Casey’s last blog post..For Maddie
My heart aches so I can only imagine how much yours is broken.
Sending you white light and healing rays.
Time flies by so quickly yet there are times when it’s so so still.
Sonia’s last blog post..The post is running late!
La Petite Belle says:
I’m so so so sorry.
Can’t imagine the pain. For now, I just hope you have a moment of peace soon.
Oh god Heather, this is so hard to read, knowing what you are going through. We are with you every step of the way, aching for your loss and wanting to hold you up. I am so glad that Mike and your mother are so supportive and wonderful. You have a beautiful family. Know that you, all of you, are not going through this alone. We are reading and crying and wishing it all was different. Love to the Spohrs.
My heart aches for your loss.
Walk forward & let Maddie’s love & bright sprit light your way. She will be forever in your heart, mind & soul. She will help you over the hurdles. When God gave her to Mike & you, He had in mind a reason for her being, it was to teach un-condtional love. What He didn’t realise was, how far a small angel like Maddie would be able to acheive in her short stay. Her strenght & love of live has travelled the globe.
Be proud that God found you worthy of the angel that is Maddie, even if He called her home too soon.
((HUGS)) & be strong.
Ms. Moon says:
Your candle is still burning here.
Ms. Moon’s last blog post..My Story, Part VIII
I’m just so sorry, that’s really all I can say. I’ve thought about you a lot the last few days knowing they would be hard ones to get through. Lean on your family and friends. Know that Maddie is with you every step of the way and her light still shines in the memories you hold in your heart.
Much love and (((hugs)))
Lisa’s last blog post..Child-led Weaning
I’m so glad you had your Mama on Sunday. And everyday to help you walk this path. I can only imagine how much her heart is breaking for the hurt in you she can’t heal. I think the day will come when you can get past the 7th without those horrible images flooding your head. It takes time, but they fade some. They do.
Jamie’s last blog post..Menu Plan Monday
Sending you love.
I love you. I love Mike, I love Maddie. And I’m so sorry that things are so bad. I know that sorry is as effective as chewing bubble gum in terms of actual value, but it’s true. And I love you. Which is also true.
Becky’s last blog post..It Puts The Guest Post On The Internet Or It Gets The Hose Again
maggie, dammit says:
I’m so glad your mom still has her baby. I’m so sorry you don’t have yours. So sorry.
I thought of you all day on mothers day. I am so glad your mother was there with you. I am so sorry for all the pain you are having to go threw, it just isnt fair. You continue to be in my thoughts.
Oh how my heart aches for you! I’m so so sorry for this pain you are experiencing. It just shouldn’t be.
My heart.. my arms… my head… all ache for you. And Maddie was not even my child. So if I hurt this badly… I can only imagine how you must be feeling. I am so sad for you and your family. I come here everyday and comment.. and feel like I say the same things over and over. I am sorry for the repeating… but I AM truly SO SO SO sorry for you. I wish I could do something, anything at all to help…
My heart is so broken for you…It is not right it is not fair and I pray you find a way to find happiness again.
Domestic Extraordinaire says:
so many hugs to you my friend.
Domestic Extraordinaire’s last blog post..The Walk & a giveaway
Porscha Is says:
I’m so sorry. I thought about you throughout the day on Mother’s Day (and i think of you every day and wonder how you are doing). I’m glad you were able to see some beauty in some of Maddie’s places on Mother’s Day. And I’m glad you were able to share the day together with your mother.
Porscha Is’s last blog post..Out of Control
I have no words. Just love for you and your family.
Amazing Greis says:
My heart continues to ache for you. The reminders of sweet Maddie are evident in my everyday happenings, the purple jumps out at me. I can’t even begin to imagine the hurt that you feel, but I wish I could take some of that hurt away.
Just know that you are loved by so many and we are here whenever you need us to be. Hugs to you today, tomorrow and always!
Amazing Greis’s last blog post..I &hearts Faces – Week 18
melanie’s last blog post..Take Me Back Tuesday
april in NJ says:
How wonderful that Mike got your flowers… and that he signed Maddie’s name on them. But… I’m sure the day was very hard. I hope it helps (at least a little bit) to know that so many people are holding you (and your family) in their hearts during these tough times. I’m so glad that you have your mother though… sounds like she’s your rock. I can’t imagine the “darkness” that you’re speaking of… but I know without a doubt that one day you’ll find your way out of it. I pray that it comes soon for you. Much love and many many hugs from NJ.
I was thinking about you and talking about you to my husband last night. I was saying how Maddie was such a cute baby, and how I can’t even imagine how you must feel now that your little “mini-me” is gone. I have been thinking about you a lot over the past few weeks and praying for you. And I will continue to do so. You and your husband are loved and thought of by so many.
robyn’s last blog post..Taking Action
Midwest Mommy says:
Midwest Mommy’s last blog post..Best Thing Ever…well at least for today!
You and your family are always in my thoughts.
Sarah’s last blog post..Rainbow On My Calendar
I was thinking of you guys a lot on Mother’s Day. I’m sure it was so hard–but I’m glad you spent the day with your mom and went to some of Maddie’s favorite places. I love your pics of the ducks and turtle!
Jennifer’s last blog post..Happy Birthday To Me!
Oh Heather, we all ache for you. I wish that you could give each of us a piece of the darkness, so that it could be better for you – if that would help I would take it willingly, as I am sure many others would do. Know that you and Maddie have been in our thoughts and hearts on these days. We are all thinking of you guys and giving you so many hugs – even if they are virtual! Hugs and love.
Laurie’s last blog post..Visions of my future…
I’m glad you were able to spend Sunday with your mom and Mike. This might sound strange, since you don’t know me at all, but I feel like I know you from reading your blog over the past couple of weeks and going back and reading all about Maddie. I do think about you periodically and hope you are doing as well as you could possibly be doing. And I’ve got to stop reading your blog at work because I keep having to grab tissues for my “allergies.”
I thought about you a lot on Sunday. I hated that what should’ve been a great day for you was filled with sadness and heartache. I’m glad you spent the day with your Mom, brother and Mike.
You’re incredibly strong, Heather, and I admire you more than you will ever know!
Kellie’s last blog post..I’m Still Here…Are You?
Your blog and Mike’s blog have touch me so deeply. You both write about your pain so perfectly that it hurts my heart. I know we can’t possibly know the depth of your pain. But you express it so well that we feel pain too. The post about your arms tingling and aching with the picture of you holding that sweet little girl was so…. I don’t know what, but I felt like I knew what it was like to hold that sweet little girl. All was right in the world when you could hold her like that, wasn’t it?
All of these “firsts” without sweet Maddy are going to be so hard. She was such a beautiful little girl and I’m sure she’s heaven’s perfect angel now. I’m so sorry she is not with you and Mike.
I’m glad that you had your own mother to spend the day with. I thought about you alot on Mother’s Day, and I wish that I could take some of that darkness from your family. She really was little light of life, and I wish you had never had to see her any other way.
Ali’s last blog post..Good News!
I think it’s good that you went to visit Maddie’s favorite places. She would have loved that.
Stefanie’s last blog post..Body Clutter
mrs. chicken says:
I thought about you Sunday, and about your mom, too. I can’t imagine how dark that darkness must be. Keep breathing, that’s all you can do. And its OK with us if you don’t feel better, if you know what I mean.
I prayed for you on Mother’s Day.
Thinking of you often…
Heather, I’m at a loss for words… but I am sending you lots of love.
Mermanda’s last blog post..Bloggy Love
The Bossy Yankee says:
And Heather that is ok. It is ok to not see the light in the darkness right now. It is ok to mourn the loss of what would have been. It is all ok. Most of all it is ok not to be ok right now.
As always I thought about you most on mother’s day. I thought of your mom as well. I know the relationship my mom has with us and my siblings children and I can only imagine the loss they would feel, the emptiness.
I will continue to pray for you and your family. To hope that in time your hearts can mend enough that the ache is not sickening every single moment.
Again take care of yourself, Mike too, and of course allow yourselves to feel whatever you want. It is ok to grieve and there is absolutely no right way. It is ok not to not feel better.
The Bossy Yankee’s last blog post..Mutters Day 2009
This whole first year is full of these hard days for you, and I wish I could do something to hide you away from the pain I know you’re going and will go through. I love you, Mama.
I think about you and mike all the time, and pray for you guys every day. My heart is with you. Praying for comfort for you. You are such a beautiful mommy.
steph’s last blog post..grace in small things
Yesterday, I read an essay someone wrote about motherhood and it made me think of you. In the essay the author talks about her regret that she wasn’t “in the moment” or “present” enough when her children were little. And now that they are grown she wishes she had enjoyed all the little things more, less preoccupied with doing everything right and just busy doing things together. It reminded me of your blog post about how the only thing you maybe regret is withholding elmo a little too long…maddie’s time with you was far too short, but I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that you were so connected, so in touch with each other, so “in the moment” that you didn’t miss a thing, and she thrived under your care. And you were so in love that you often felt compelled to document it on film…you are a special mother, one who didn’t take a single day or discovery for granted, and those are precious treasures.
I echo so many people before me who say that we stand beside you in your darkness, caring for you and for mike and maddie, and ready to support you every step of the way.
When I’m all alone and it’s dark and quiet, I often think of you and try to imagine how you feel… what would I be feeling if your reality was mine?
I listen to the quiet… I hear nothing except for the constant whir of my own heart beat echoing in my ears and realize how I hate that sound when it’s all I can hear. I imagine how I would come to resent the deafening silence that must invade and consume you.
I try to imagine how I’d feel knowing my child was gone. And I feel suffocated.
I’m really there with you; if only for a moment… I linger there for a fragment in time; to know your sorrow. To relate. To help shoulder the awfulness. I hang there for a moment and truly feel an unimaginable anguish so foreboding and dark. And I can’t breathe… A feeling of panic washes over me and I, for a moment… am there; with you.
Keep strong Heather. Keep grasping at the strands of light in your day, grab a hold of the the hope and love from your friends and family and let it give you strength, peace and reflections of joy. Even if only for moments at a time…
Karen’s last blog post..Comfort Food
No words, just sending my love your way.
Rachel’s last blog post..Seniorita
Kristen said it beautifully above – you didn’t take a single day for granted and what amazing love you shared with your Maddie. I, too, was aching for you on Mother’s Day and hoping you’d have the special times you did with someone you love and who understands and feels your pain. I’m glad you’re close to your mom and she’s there to hold you, comfort you, love you and be there when there’s not a lot to say, but so much to feel…
much love and blessings from upstate ny
I thought about you all damn day on Sunday. And just ached for you. But I’m so glad you have your mom through this. And that she has you.
Insta-Mom’s last blog post..I’ll celebrate if I have to, but…
This just breaks my heart. As if every other day isn’t hard enough for you, these two monthly milestones must be heart-wrenching. I am in awe of your ability to simply get out of bed everyday, let alone do all that you do. You are a shining beacon for Maddie’s memory.
Jill’s last blog post..Stuff and things
I thought about you on Mother’s Day. I had hoped you spent the day with your Mom and I am glad that you continue to do the things and go to the places that Maddie loved so much. I think about you and Mike and Maddie nearly everyday. I check in daily to read your post, see how you are doing. I have a Maddie who was born early too. I don’t know if that is why I feel so connected to you or if it is that I too lost a baby (Maddie’s big sis, also born too early). Although our stories are not the same, I can identify with so many of your feelings – the fear, the guilt, the joy and despair. Your honesty and ability to share your story so honestly is a gift that will help you and has already helped others. As I have read your posts and heard your thoughts, so many times it brought me back to events that I had stored away in the back of my mind. I think about Mike too because I know how hard it was for my husband to lose our baby and watch his wife melt into someone he’d never met in a matter of 24 hours. We are lucky to have found such amazing partners in this life…lean on each other.
I’ve read your blog for a long time and until now never commented. I guess I just want you to know that there is one more person out there thinking about you, Mike and Maddie everyday. We marched for your Maddie, my Maddie and my Ella in Chicago a few weeks ago. Keep writing, feeling…your night vision will improve. And eventually, the sun will rise again…and Maddie will be riding high on top, her contagious smile beaming down at those below.
I am yet another stranger who has come to be enchanted by your precious Maddie. I stumbled across your blog on the MOD website and I have spent countless hours reading all about your life with Madeline. Those gorgeous photos are just too much at times. What a life she had! She could melt a heart with that smile and those eyes. Maddie’s story has changed me. I find myself hugging my kids a little tighter at night and grabbing that camera for those shutterbug moments that I might have taken for granted before. For over a month I have wanted to write to you and say something, anything. I cannot imagine the sorrow you are feeling Heather. I pray for the slightest ease of pain for you and Mike everyday. My heart is broken for you and your family and I hope that you continue to grieve with us, because we will be here with you every step of the way. I can only hope that I will be half the mother to my daughter’s as you to Maddie. You are full of amazing grace and Madeline was so,so lucky. Thank you for sharing her with us. Thank you, thank you.
My heart aches for you. I can only imagine how extremely painful this must be. Still keeping you in my thoughts…
Amy’s last blog post..I Heart Faces – Laughter
Tina Hosko says:
oh heather… I am so, so, so sad for you. sending lots of love your way.
Just Jiff says:
My heart aches for you. I read your blog faithfully now and although I am always sad and it makes me cry, I am thankful I found you. You and Maddie touched my heart so deeply.
I talk to my daughter about Maddie all the time. I know people probably think I’m crazy, but it’s important to me that Maddie is constantly remembered… even if by strangers (because I know you and family constantly remember her, obviously).
HUGS to you.
Just Jiff’s last blog post..Cry Me a River.
My heart is with you guys today and every day. Hugs to you both.
Issa’s last blog post..Mother’s Day and a few random announcements
The light of of our lives is gone, and it’s hard to see in the darkness.
When the light begins to come back, embrace it. It will be Maddie holding the candle, so you can see once more. You’re in my prayers, Heather. All of you.
Kristen McD says:
I thought of you often on Mother’s Day. I think of you and your sweet girl every day, but more often that day. I’m grateful you had your mom with you… and I wish to heaven you had your baby with you too.
My heart just aches for you and your family and the pain you must be going through. I wish the best to you.
Danielle’s last blog post..Lions, tigers and birdies, OH MY
Diane V says:
Look to the dark of night and find Maddie Moo’s star lighting up the night for all of us.
I used to come to your sight when I was having a crappy day to be cheered up by Maddie’s smile.
Now that she’s gone, I had a star dedicated to her, so that we think of her smile beaming down at us from her glowing star.
Star Name: Maddie Moo
In Honor of: Madeline Alice Spohr
Dedication Date: 04/07/2009
Telescopic Coordinates: RA: 00:20:51.957 Declination: +43:35:22.17
Registration Number: 36284
I will keep you in my prayers. Hugs to you and Mike.
my truly heart aches for you. i was thinking of you all day on mother’s day and i think of you and mike and maddie every day. there are so many of us out here who are sending you so much love.
“When the light begins to come back, embrace it. It will be Maddie holding the candle, so you can see once more.”
Oh, Maggie- so beautifully written, and so, so true. I was holding back tears until I read that.
I thought of you all day on Sunday, Heather. I carry such a grief for your loss. You, and your whole family are always in my thoughts and prayers…
I have no words to make it the least bit better. But I have shed some tears just for you. hugs
Amy’s last blog post..
You and your family and friends remain in my thoughts. I am so sorry you are going through this.
I know I speak for thousands of other moms all over the world who have been grieving with you through this time. We are all so pissed off at the world and at God at how helpless we are to fix this for you, because that’s one of our jobs as moms, to fix things. You are in our prayers every single day, praying that somehow things will get better. Life will never be the same, there’s no way it can be after something so devastating and patently UNFAIR. But in the midst of your loss and mourning please know that life, for many people, will be a little bit better because of your selfless sharing. I have been blessed to have met you and Maddie through your blog. Blessed in a way that has encouraged me to pay it forward. Thousands of others are doing the same thing because of one tiny girl and her dynamic, amazing momma. Damn, I just wish I could fix this for you.
I think part of the devastation of losing a baby is that you feel like you not only lost everything that could have been and everything that was; you also don’t know where you stand… You ask yourself, “Am I still a Mommy?” Because you sure don’t feel like one anymore… You don’t do any of the Mommy things anymore- no more changing clothes or bathtime or picking up toys or rocking anyone to sleep….
You need to know, Heather, that you ARE still a Mommy. You always will be. You will always, always be Maddie’s Mommy. You are now the Mommy of an angel and it is so extremely different- and so, so, so much harder. But you are still Maddie’s Mama, and that will never change. Perhaps only thing that can keep Angel Mommies going on dark days like these is knowing that someday, some way you will be given the greatest gift of all, and that is the joy of having her in your arms again in heaven. Imagine how wonderful that day will be!! She will shower you with kisses again, and you can make her laugh again, and smell her sweet baby skin. Until that day comes, I will pray for your strength to get through the days like this. I know that sometimes you want to fast forward to that day, but until it comes, you just keep sharing your love and grace with all who are lucky enough to know you.
Amy in Oregon says:
The light will shine in your lives once again….let Maddie lead the way out of the darkness.
My heart is broken for you, for Mike, for your mom and the rest of your families, for myself, who misses that gorgeous baby terribly.
Love and hugs,
i love the flowers from all three of them.
yo’s last blog post..sweet: ocean breathes salty
The flowesr are wonderful and I think y’all spent the day perfectly.
Almost texted you. almost.
rachel-asouthernfairytale’s last blog post..Easy and Delicious Homemade Blueberry Muffins
I echo what Bossy Yankee said. “Most of all it is ok not to be ok right now.”
There is a long, dark road ahead of you, Mike, and your family. Just know that we here on the interwebs are standing alongside that road, to help, to listen, to offer a shoulder, a hand, or an ear. That doesn’t make Maddie not being here OK, I know. Nothing will ever make that OK. But we will stand here regardless. For you, for Mike, for your family, and for Maddie.
Alison’s last blog post..School is Occasionally Useful
More hugs to both of you.
merlotmom’s last blog post..Give Me The Grateful Life – Monday
Marti from Michigan says:
When my youngest sister lost her baby son to a crib death in 1986 (at age 3 months exactly), about a year later she started having dreams right around his birthday, and each year, he was one year older in her dreams. She still has these dreams and Steven would have been 22 this past October, and she dreamed of him as an adult. She said he was handsome and beautiful.
I wish dreams of Maddie for you, and they will happen. She will visit you in your dreams. I wish butterflies and happy times for you and Mike and Rigby in your future.
I can’t really find it in the Bible, but I know somewhere there is a passage that says God collects our tears on this earth in a bottle. I believe some day when you and Mike walk into Heaven, God will greet you at the gates and pour the bottle of tears over your heads………except they won’t be tears anymore, they will be crystals……and in His arms will be Maddie welcoming you there to live for all eternity.
This is so sad. I have no idea the grief you are under.
I miscarried our baby in 2000. I was 14 weeks. We had heard its heart a few weeks before. My next visit they couldnt detect the heartbeat. A sonogram revelaed our baby had died. I asked for a picture of it’s sonogram. I keep it framed and its beside my bed. The love and dreams I had for that baby are still a part of me and always will be. Every October I think of my baby. That was its due date. I wonder what it would have looked like. Its been 9 years and I think about my baby often. Even after two healthy babies came along, I still have a place in my heart for the baby I didn’t bring home.
In my grief I learned two things:
1) Your arms are empty, but your heart isn’t.
2) The love you have for her stays with you.
It doesn’t diminish in time. Death cannot take that love from you.
Her death doesn’t take your precious title of MOM or DAD or even GRANDMA away either.
You are still a mommy, a very good mommy.
“When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.”-Charles Beard
I pray you are able to see your way through this long, dark road. Many people are praying you on!
Trinity’s last blog post..How to Make Your Very Own Miniature Foods for Barbie
I know I’ve said it before, but I wish all babies were as loved. She was so lucky to have you.
Heidi’s last blog post..It’s Not a Penis, It Just Looks Like One On the Internet
Maddie would have liked that. You take beautiful pictures–I’m glad to see that you are still taking them.
Molly’s last blog post..Maddie
My heart breaks for you. Everytime I read one of your posts, I find myself gripped with sadness all over again.
I thought of you so much on Mother’s Day and as a tribute, I told my own Mom (who I was visiting) all about Maddie and we watched the video together and talked about it afterwards. I’m glad you have such a supportive mother to be there for you.
I can’t imagine how hard the last couple of days have been for you and how dark life must seem right now…you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
So many words to say . . . but they’ve all been said and said so beautifully. I think of you often, of your sweet little girl, of your loss.
Most of all, I think of your amazing strength and the love that surrounds you . . . She’s here, you know. Arms wide, loving you every day.
LaskiGal’s last blog post..He’s Got Skills
I thought of you often on Sunday. I think of you, Mike, Maddie and Rigby every day. Know that you are loved.
Kristin’s last blog post..Etiquette Lesson
I have been a follower of your blog for quite sometime now… and just wanted to tell you that you are a strong woman. Even as hard as it is to put your feelings down on paper, you manage to do so and share them with countless people that you’ve never even met. It takes courage to do what you do. That in the darkest of hours you have still allowed people into your life and your thoughts. I am honored to read your posts, as Maddie has left a forever lasting impression on people she has never even met.
I have been thinking of you every day since my sister in law introduced you and Maddie to my world. I can’t stop thinking of you. I gave in the other day and bought a silly red Elmo doll with Maddie in mind. He blows kisses. It reminds me of the video you posted the other day of Maddie blowing kisses.
I am holding and rocking my 11 month old daughter a little longer at night before putting her to bed. I am thinking of you and what you might be doing. I am whispering in my baby’s ear a little pray for you, Mike, and Maddie. I want you to know that in your loss I am finding something in me that is loving more, giving more, appreciating more. Thank you for being so candid and sharing your raw feelings.
I lost my father several years ago and I was there at his bedside as he took his last breaths. The pain was immense for so long and all I could do was think of that moment. It was so hard to think of any others as this was such an intense experience. The pain subsides and you are able to remember other things about them, rather than the last moments of life. As rough as that experience was, I feel as though it was an honor to be there with him, to comfort him, to let him know that it was okay to go, to sleep. When do you ever have the priveledge to be there by someone’s side as they enter into another world?
You were there the day Maddie entered this world, and you were there the day she left. What a good mama! Life will never be the same. It never is when you become a mom. It’s frightening to bring a child into the world because you feel a constant sense of fear of losing them. But it’s better to have loved, then to never have loved at all! I pray that you find it in your heart to love again. God bless you today and always!
Maneuvering Motherhood by Miss Behavin says:
Hi Heather –
I don’t normally comment, because honestly – I don’t know what to say. I can’t even tell you that I know how you feel because any loss I’ve suffered is incomparable to yours.
What I felt I needed to say today is about your photos. They are absolutely breathtaking. It seems to me that Maddie gave you a passion for photography and she is with you in every single photo. You are capturing the beauty she can still see that is now within you. When you sit quietly I can almost bet that you hear her talking to you. I don’t need to say, “let her voice lead you, Heather” because it obviously does.
I’m keeping you and your family in my thoughts.
Maneuvering Motherhood by Miss Behavin’s last blog post..Family Feud
There are no words, just thoughts.
Cat’s last blog post..Heavy
I’m glad you and your mom have each other. I wish there was more. I achingly wish there was more.
Kelly’s last blog post..Scars & Mamas (not a country song)
I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. May you and your family find comfort in each other. May all of us experience the tremendous love you have for your daughter. It shines through you.
you will always and forever be maddie’s mommy. no one can ever take that away from you.
you are constantly in my prayers……
annie’s last blog post..Not So Important
My heart aches for you! I’m so sorry! You have the comfort of Mike, and especially your mom. Thank goodness for them. I love your writing…it connects with the reader. You and yours are in my prayers.
I am so glad you could spend the day with your mom…. ((HUG))
Jodee’s last blog post..A leaf
Beautiful post, beautiful pictures…. ((Hugs))
Haley-O’s last blog post..This Is How I Write When I Am Sick as a Dawg
cindy w says:
I’m glad you were able to spend Mother’s Day with your mom. And I’m glad Mike knew just how to sign the card for your Mother’s Day flowers.
Big hugs to you & Mike. And your mom.
Heather, you do not know me..I only stumbled across your blog by accident and have not been able to get you or your sweet Maddie out of my head since she passed. I am a mother of 3 children and can only speak from this place. I am so, so sorry. Your Maddie has touched me soo deeply. She was an absoutely beautiful baby girl. Her eyes, THAT smile, those bouncey blonde curls. My tears flow and my heart aches for you everyday. Thank you for sharing your Maddie with us. I know that I speak for many, when I tell you that she hold a lasting place in my heart. I soo wish I could have met her. I wish I had some great words of wisdom to help you bear this pain. Just know this….your baby girl touched more people than you could ever imagine. She had such an inner joy about her. I can see the laughter and joy in her eyes.
Please know that your family has forever changed mine and for that I am truly grateful. You have made us all stop and be more patient with our children for you never know when it could all be taken away.
You are constantly in my prayers. Best, Jenn
It feels dark now, but sweet Maddie’s going to light your way. You just hang in there as best you can and know that we’re all thinking of you. I love that you visited Maddie’s favorite places on her 18-month birthday. My dad died when I was in high school, and to this day, 20ish years later, I still celebrate his birthday by doing something he would have liked to do and by eating a big huge ice cream cone, since that was his favorite food group. I hope you’ll be celebrating sweet Maddie with ducks and parks and butter cream frosting for your whole life. If you’re anything like me, it will help you get by, and then after a long, long while it will be lovely.
BAY BEE DUK! You made me laugh … and then tear up. I am so sorry life is unfair sometimes. Thinking of you and will continue to do so.
Jenny’s last blog post..Not That I Was Worried
I was just checking in to see how you are doing and again I end up feeling so for you and your family. I really do not have much to say other then, I wish you peace.
so fucking sorry.
Stefanie’s last blog post..My Babies Look Good in Hats
This was such a touching, heartbreaking post. I lack any comforting words, but just wanted you to know I’m here. Thinking about you as I do every day.
Emily’s last blog post..15 Month Stats
I can’t imagine. So glad you have your mom. Words are inadequate.
Jeannette in CT
JAYNE - NY says:
thought of you often on sunday…
JAYNE – NY’s last blog post..mday09
mythoughtsonthat’s last blog post..Lucky
Carrie Montag says:
Praying that you and your hubby find peace in this horrible time. Thinking of you…
I am sorry
Jenn’s last blog post..We are all just a step away…..
All I can say is “I’m so sorry for your loss.” I’m sorry for every loss you will encounter along the way without your precious daughter in your life. Her story and life has touched many people and she lives on through your words and memories. No consolation, I know, but she will never be forgotten by you, your family or many, many others.
Heather, your photography skills are getting rad…I must say.
Gorgeous flowers, I know they can’t fix much…but they were gorgeous nonetheless. Love to all 3 of you and the guard-dog.
wn’s last blog post..Dear Felix, I love your bedhead, but I love YOU even more.
Desperately wishing there were something, anything, I could say or do to ease your pain. I’m so sorry.
Trish’s last blog post..It’s all fun and games until the dinosaur tackles you and rips out your throat
i pray that you find LIGHT through this darkness. maddie’s spirit will always shine from above. continuing to send you abrazos and besitos from over the border. thinking of you. praying for you. (and of course that includes your entire family).
lindsay’s last blog post..and so it continues. quarantined again.
It is all so fucking unfair. That’s all there is to it. So unfair. I am so sorry.
All I can say is that I cry for you. I wish thing were different for you.
I don’t know you, but I wish it were different and man. That is really all I have. It is so freakin wrong. Much love to you and Mike and your whole family.
Christine’s last blog post..I don’t like Mondays
Simply said…I am thinking of you. I wish things were different for you and your family.
In the words of my late daughter:
“Breathe in the light and blow out the darkness.”
won’s last blog post..Reciprocity
You were in my heart all day on Sunday, and every day. Love.
anymommy’s last blog post..Just Another Moment
So, so sorry. I hope and pray you and your family find peace sometime soon. you are a great mother — Maddie was so fortunate to have you.
feefifoto’s last blog post..Then What Happened?
A friend who also lost a child shared this on her blog…. it made me think of you….
“Ask My Mom How She Is”
My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before
But from now until she dies,
She’ll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can’t explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can’t describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how she is,
She’ll say”I’m alright.”
If that’s the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night ?
Ask my Mom how she is
She seems to cope so well,
She didn’t have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,
“I’m fine, I’m well, I’m coping.”
For God’s sake Mom, just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken
She’ll love me all her life
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She’ll lie and say she’s fine.
I am here in Heaven
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don’t listen
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
We’ll smile and I’ll be bold.
“You’re lucky to get in here, Mom,
With all the lies you told!”
Let me re-phrase that – after reading your tweets, it made me think of you. Don’t give into the pressure of other people wanting to hear you are okay. It’s perfectly acceptable to say “Fuck no, I don’t feel better!!” Maybe MIL needs to read this poem
I thought about you so many times on Sunday.
It breaks my heart to think of you lost in the darkness. Every photo of Maddie, but particularly the last ones, look as if she was lit from within. I’ve honestly never seen anything like it. She must have been just magical in person, I can only imagine. I hope that her beautiful spirit will light the way for you and Mike (and Rigby).
Keeping you all in my thoughts and in my heart.
I hope you can believe that God does not take children from their parents. God would not be so cruel.
God created the human body to function in a very complex way, and when the body ceases to operate as designed, due to illness, accident, or physical complications, it no longer will sustain life.
I believe that while God welcomed Maddie into heavenly life as a beloved child of his, at the same time, God is crying and grieving deeply along with you and Mike. God gives life, he does not take it.
Oh, Heather. I just found out. I want to say something remarkable and helpful. Inspired even. But I’m too devastated. You and Mike and sweet Maddie are in my heart. It hurts. I admire so much what you do, what you’ve done. Know I’ve been added to the multitudes praying for you. Love, Dana
Dana’s last blog post..Callahan’s birth story: A long journey
Like most people here, I don’t know you. Have never met you. But I just wanted to say, oh, how my heart aches for you.
Since coming across Maddie’s story a month ago, I have thought of Maddie every day. A little girl who I never knew. I saw her aqua ballerina pjs while shopping at the Gap today. I recognized them in photos because my daughter has the same pair. I thought of your sweet girl while shopping with mine. It seems so unfair that I can say that; that my life goes on, as does that of so many others, while your world is shattered. I hold my little girl a little tighter now, a little longer now.
Maddie was such a spunky little thing, but WOW – what a BIG impact she made on so many. God bless you.
Just checking to see how you are today, Honey. One day at a time, it’s all you can do. Live through the haze that has become your life for now….GOd bless you and watch over you and carry you through each day…
Miss MVK says:
I think of you, your family and especially Maddie EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Your loss is all-consuming and of the very worst kind. I am so very sorry for what you are going through. Please know that you are very close to my heart.
Miss MVK’s last blog post..Mother’s Day
Love you Heather. My heart and prayers were with you all day on Sunday. Just aching with your heart. Love you. LOVE YOU.
Kimmie’s last blog post..Memories of Grandpa Crawford
Nat W. says:
My heart aches for ya’ll. There’s nothing I can say to make it better. Ya’ll are just constantly in my thoughts. Your strength astounds me.
Heather- the light will be hard to find for a while. But you know that. But sometimes, you’ll feel a light brush, a touch, a closeness. A smell. And you’ll know, no one is ever truly gone. I’m sorry, honey. Love to you and Mike.
Lindsay’s last blog post..Random Universe, Part 2