The last two days have been rough. Sunday was Mother’s Day, and Monday would have been a big milestone – Maddie would have hit the 18th month mark. I rarely identified Maddie by months once she hit one. I never said she was “fourteen months old” or anything. Just one. So I was really looking forward to saying, “one and a half.” I have a feeling the seventh of every month is going to transport me back to the PICU and the horror of watching Maddie pass in front of me, and the eleventh of every month is going to leave me yearning for what could have been.

I woke up in Mother’s Day with a lot of sadness. There was no Maddie to snuggle while Mike made me breakfast in bed. I slept on the couch because the idea of no Maddie in bed on Mother’s Day was too much to bear. I received some beautiful flowers:


The card was signed from Mike, Rigby, and Maddie.

My mom and brother came over. We went to some of Maddie’s places. The Promenade, the Farmer’s Market, and her park. We saw the turtles…


…and the ducks. The ducks have had babies.


Maddie would have loved the baby ducks. BAY BEE DUK!

My grandma was a huge influence on my life, so it was natural and right that my mom would be a huge influence on Maddie’s. My mom and I sat together the majority of Mother’s Day, aching for our daughter and granddaughter. Missing her so badly. Yearning to hold and kiss her.

The light of of our lives is gone, and it’s hard to see in the darkness.