Every day we look at each other and say, “I miss her.”
“Miss” is such an insufficient word for how we feel. But IS there a better word?
Crave, desire, long, need, pine, wish, yearn, these are all descriptive words, but they don’t quite do it…they don’t convey the hole in our lives, the ache in our souls, the piece of our heart that is gone.
We used to jokingly say that we needed a better word to describe her. Cute was too ordinary, luminous too mature, and happy an understatement. But she was all those things.
It’s been over five months. The shock has worn off, but in a way, it hasn’t. I am still shocked every day when I wake up and she isn’t there. I’m still shocked that I wake up at all. It hurts so much that I sometimes honestly think it will kill me. That one day my heart will just stop beating because it’s too broken.
Our daughter is gone, and the words to truly describe how it feels don’t exist. The words that do exist are simply inadequate.
pamela says:
every word will be inadequate because she was extraordinary. Love and hugs for you and Mike
.-= pamela´s last blog ..09/09/09 =-.
Katrina says:
So perfectly said —
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..End of Summer =-.
Brittany says:
I could not say it better myself. She is completely extraordinary.
.-= Brittany´s last blog ..The lady on CNN said it was a buyers market. And CNN never lies…or spends too much time covering the questionable deaths of celebrities or dogs who sound like they are talking when they bark. Which is actually pretty awesome. =-.
Amanda says:
Radiant is the word I always think of when I see Maddie.
Always.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Square Peg – Round Hole =-.
Loralee says:
6 years out and sometimes I am utterly shocked I’m still here, so I get it.
Just keep breathing.
That is your only requirement.
I love you.
xo
.-= Loralee´s last blog ..Closure. =-.
Kara-Noel says:
Don’t you wonder how the world keeps going without the loved one who is in heaven? Blessings to you as you live in a world that just keeps going.
~KN
.-= Kara-Noel´s last blog ..Brownie Spatula =-.
Debbie in the UK says:
I cannot even begin to imagine. It’s just so fucking unfair x
Shawna says:
Maddie will always be missed but more importantly she will always be remembered.
.-= Shawna´s last blog ..5 years =-.
~love says:
luminous…i see that. but, yes….too mature for the spunk she shows in the 1st picture.
there absolutely are not words.
.-= ~love´s last blog ..let love grow =-.
Cinthia says:
La extraño desde lo más profundo de mi alma~ it means ‘I miss her from the very depths of my soul’ in Spanish.
She’s such a beauty, such a wondrous, delightful, joyful child. We will never forget her.
Patty says:
Amazing. She was absolutely amazing and always will be! Love always, Patty
.-= Patty´s last blog ..Here I am, thanks to Legolas! =-.
Casey says:
My heart is aching for you. The pictures are beautiful. I agree that “radiant” is what comes to mind when I see Maddie’s pictures.
.-= Casey´s last blog .. =-.
Erica says:
What beatiful pictures of your little beauty, my dear sweet Heather. Your precious Maddie is a ray of light, a real Little Miss Sunshine, always beaming with happiness and always so very radiant in the photos you share with us. Your precious World Famous Maddie is a shining star for so many people all over the world. Your precious Maddie will never, ever be forgotten. She will be in my heart forever and I will miss her always too. Your precious Maddie has changed the lives of so many people all over the world. Her amazing Mama is an inspiration every day for so many people all over the world. Holding your hand from afar, my dear friend, and sending you a great big hug.
With love
your friend, Erica in Luxembourg
Krissa says:
Thinking of you guys and sending (((hugs))) and love.
Jorden says:
Hello, I’m new to this site, but every time i see pictures of your beautiful Madeline, it makes my heart smile while aching for yours at the same time. She was a truly special and wonderful child and I pray for you and your family. But I must say, I think she left more of a mark on this world in just 17 months than others have in 50 years
Sally says:
I know exactly what you mean. Thanks for putting the feelings of bereaved mothers everywhere in to words. You guys are a beautiful family.
.-= Sally´s last blog ..Swirling thoughts =-.
Kate in NZ says:
Oooh, that top picture! It makes my heart swell… and ache for you. Sometimes love surpasses words, and this pain you suffer is born from love. Hugs to you.
.-= Kate in NZ´s last blog ..Fancy that =-.
charlane says:
There are no words to describe the feeling of loss when someone you love is gone. Words are never big enough to adequately explain the hole in your heart. You don’t need to look for those words, you will never find them. The same is true when you try to find a word to describe the love and pride you have for your child. There are no words big enough to explain that to others. There are only actions and the joy in your face that is so clear when you post a picture with you and Maddie together.
.-= charlane´s last blog ..Blood Work, Teething, and Party Planning Yay! =-.
dysfunctional mom says:
That first picture takes my breath away. It’s so hard to understand that she is not here any more.
.-= dysfunctional mom´s last blog ..Little Girls’ Dreams…. =-.
Liz says:
every picture you have of her is incredible and they all show her spunk. beautiful.
.-= Liz´s last blog ..Only 4 Years Early… =-.
Neena says:
I think that top picture of maddie may be my absolute favorite that you’ve shared. It just feels like so much is captured in one simple pose.
.-= Neena´s last blog ..I now officially understand what it will take for me to slap my mama! =-.
Scary Mommy says:
I can’t imagine the ache you both feel. It’s unimaginable. And so very unfair.
.-= Scary Mommy´s last blog ..Pre-School Induced Narcolepsy =-.
Brooke says:
She’s so beautiful. Those eyes are just breathtaking. I don’t have any children, so I can’t even try to understand your pain, but words never seem to adequately describe losing a loved one. They’re so insufficient.
.-= Brooke´s last blog ..September 10, 2009 =-.
J. says:
When I scrolled down and saw the pix, I laughed out loud because they are so beautiful, so vivid, so Maddie. And then I cried because it must ache so much not to be able to hold her to you.
Missing her so much keeps her close to your heart, though.
.-= J.´s last blog ..Talk Talk =-.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Maddie is so beautiful. Sending a hug your way…
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Drat. Now I have to learn Chinese. =-.
Kristen McD says:
She is so beautiful. I can’t even imagine.
Bec says:
Maddie was a spectacular child. An amazing, astounding, incredible little girl.
It’s cruel that you and Mike got to spend so little time with her.
.-= Bec´s last blog ..Premmie BBQ =-.
Jen says:
words that exist are truly inadequate
Jessica says:
My heart aches for you. You are in my prayers.
Larissa says:
Heather,
I don’t think that there is a word to describe this feeling, but in portuguese (I’m brazilian) there is a word called “saudade” that has no translation in any language… you say you feel “saudade” when you miss someone…. it’s such a sad word…
I always read your blog and I am looking forward to seeing your baby…
PattiMcKenna says:
Maddie was exuberant and effervescent. Heather, if you’re like me, you feel devastated and desolate and detached from the world. That covers D and E.
It takes time, lots of time. And love. You, Mike and Binky will get through this.
.-= PattiMcKenna´s last blog ..Caution: Children Should Come With Warning Labels =-.
Lindsay from Florida says:
I think of “incandescent” … burning so bright and beautifully from within. But, as for a word to describe the loss, there isn’t any. How could there be when looking at that face?
Pgoodness says:
Just as there are no words to truly describe your feelings, there are none good enough to say how sorry I am; the words seem
useless.
But your Maddie? Breathtakingly gorgeous
.-= Pgoodness´s last blog ..First Day =-.
Claire says:
Heather I wish I could bare some of your hurt for you. It’s just not fair. Keep strong, your little Binky needs you.
Hope says:
She was more precious than any jewel! I am truly sorry for your loss.
.-= Hope´s last blog ..Never believed in "terrible-twos" until now… =-.
OHmommy says:
A child, like Maddie, says so much about her parents. There is a reason she was SO incredibly vibrant. It’s because of you and Mike and your families.
Sending hugs.
.-= OHmommy´s last blog ..Most likely to be expelled from preschool =-.
darcie says:
I know there are no words that I could say either – but I just wanted you to know that I am here, I am reading, and I am thinking of you and yours.
xoxo
.-= darcie´s last blog ..Nat’l Night Out – Take 2 =-.
Shannon Kieta says:
I know the feeling, (in a way), when I stop and think, OMG, I am NEVER going to see my sister again, I am NEVER going to hear her voice again. She will NEVER share another holiday, birthday, family function, anything ever again! Nothing is the same…NOTHING! These are times I wish you lived closer, so I could give you a big hug, after all, you are my adopted sister now. Once you hold Binky in your arms, you will feel comfort from Maddie, that is why she gave you Bink. Just hold on a few more months! Auntie Shannon
eden says:
Spring is here, where I live.
There were some unseasonally hot days recently, which made some blossom trees start to flower early. They started flowering, but have now stopped. They won’t bloom again … all the other blossom trees will in the next month or so.
I see them and I think of your Madeline, every time, and it makes my heart ache for you, for her, and for Mike.
I imagine there would be no words. I just shake my head, at the level of pain you must be going through. And I’m always here, holding your hand. xoxox
Jenn says:
You’re so right Heather!!! I get it….I wish I didn’t but I do. You’re right… there are no words and honestly….I doubt there ever will be such words to describe the loss of a child.
Today, like every day….I send you my hugs, love and support.
Love,
Your Friend,
Jenn
nic @mybottlesup says:
i don’t know how you’ve mustered up the will, the words, the putting one foot in front of the other… i don’t. and the only bit of inadequacy i can relate to is how inadequate i feel my words are in expressing to you and mike how unbelievably sorry i am. “sorry” is a crap word. “unfair” just isn’t unfair enough…
i imagine everything without your beautiful madeline is inadequate in a way that you could have never anticipated.
but i’m still so very sorry.
xoxo.
.-= nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..bleach and detergent and tape =-.
Dani says:
They haven’t created words that truly describe our children. You are so strong and inspiring.
Deborah says:
Love you as always, and praying for strength to get through today and every day.
(((hugs)))
.-= Deborah´s last blog ..Blast from the Past =-.
Angella says:
I cannot even fathom what you must experience on a daily basis, Heather. I rarely say anything here because I am at a loss as to what to say to you guys.
Just know that you are on my mind constantly and that I pray for you often.
xo
Louise says:
my heart hearts for you. Breathtaking, beautiful, beaming describes Maddie. They aren’t enough though.
Her pictures always make me smile
Candice says:
Wow…your writing is always so profound. She is so beautiful. It’s hard to believe I am looking at a photograph. We’re all still praying for you.
.-= Candice´s last blog ..September 10 =-.
Kristen says:
Maddie was an exquisite little girl. I have never seen a happier child (and being a teacher I have seen a lot of young kids!) She owned her facial expressions. She really seemed to have quite a repertoire! The top photo is one of mine favorites and you captured it so many times. The twinkle in her eyes and her smile and kissy faces warm my heart. Thanks again for sharing them.
Tina says:
I can’t imagine how painful this is for you.
I would describe your beautiful girl as “sparkling”
Sending you a hug from here!
.-= Tina´s last blog ..This makes me happy =-.
cjrymommy says:
Tina-
I totally agree. That is the PERFECT word to describe Maddie! Love it!
.-= cjrymommy´s last blog ..Labor Day with Ayo Kitty =-.
Laura says:
Heather,
There really are no words…
She is simply stunning.
You all are in our family’s thoughts every day. I hope you can “feel” the love surrounding you from all the people who care so much about you, Mike, Rigby and Binky. Love, Laura
Megan says:
Stunning and bubbly – those words describe Maddie.
.-= Megan´s last blog ..Too much. =-.
Anna Marie Hinnant says:
There really are no words – we who read you are at a loss, you and Mike can’t find the words – they just don’t exist for this kind of pain, or for Maddie’s beauty.
cj says:
stunning………stunning beauty and stunning sorrow. although i’m sure that nothing even begins to describe Maddie or your grief. i’m so very sorry.
cjrymommy says:
Heather-
Your Maddie is so beautiful! I’m so sorry you can’t hold her but I believe she is right there by you. Sending extra hugs to you today.
Thinking of you, Mike, Maddie and Binky always.
Stranger/friend in STL
.-= cjrymommy´s last blog ..Labor Day with Ayo Kitty =-.
deej says:
Dearest Heather,
There are no words that I can offer to dull the pain. For that, I feel like I am failing you in a way.
I keep remembering the words you said at Maddie’s memorial service – that you felt so grateful to have those 17 months with her.
I see a picture of her in my mind, sleeping quietly and peacefully with the angels. But, Maddie is still a force – an energy that, even though not physically present, will always be present, propelling you forward.
I’m sorry this comment is all me, me , me. I didn’t mean for it that way.
.-= deej´s last blog ..Don’t Look Back =-.
Lisa says:
Words just don’t cut it in a situation like this. Words are just so inadequate sometimes. I’m amazed you’ve found enough words to keep posting, to keep talking. You are strong and amazing.
Hugs.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Baby Constipation =-.
J says:
There can’t possibly be words, ever, that would be able to really describe/capture what it’s like to lose someone you love. There just can’t.
Peace to you and Mike.
.-= J´s last blog ..Looking around =-.
Sara Joy says:
{{HUGS}}
As always, well said. They just haven’t made the right word yet, have they? When you find it, let me know. I keep trying to write it too, it never works.
Still praying for all of you.
.-= Sara Joy´s last blog ..How We Met Part V – Nine Nine =-.
Jen @ lifelove'n'wine says:
You’re right, there are no words that could describe Maddie. My thoughts are always with you and Mike. Binky too.
.-= Jen @ lifelove’n’wine´s last blog ..That dog? HAS A BAG ON IT’S A**! =-.
Momma Uncensored says:
precious.
precious maddie.
.-= Momma Uncensored´s last blog ..kitten =-.
Christine says:
She was and is amazing.What a wonderful little girl. What amazing sorrow you and your families must feel, when we’re so sad and didn’t even know her.
Hugs to you all. And good thoughts for Binky.
Courtney says:
I am so very sorry, my heart just breaks for you and Mike! God Bless.
.-= Courtney´s last blog ..Weekend Wrap-Up (kind of) =-.
daisybv2 says:
HUGS to you guys and she was Amazing in every way
.-= daisybv2´s last blog ..I wanted to stab my eyes out =-.
Bobbi says:
Heather,
I am so, so sorry for your loss. That is another inadequate word..”sorry” what does it do for you-nothing. But I truely am and my heart aches for you and I think of you often. Maddie is such a beautiful child and she will always be near you.
Molly says:
What Amanda said. She is absolutely radiant.
Trisha Vargas says:
Maddie reminds me that there such a thing as perfection.
Grieving for your baby girl is something you will do for the rest of your days. When you are at a low moment and feel as if you can’t bear the pain anymore, take comfort in all of us. Use us. Lean on us. You are never alone and we will pick you up.
(((HUGS))) from your friend in Florida
Jamie says:
My heart breaks for you…every single day.
Your baby, your little Maddie, was absolutely perfect.
I am so, so sorry.
And as you described here, sorry is a completely insufficient word.
Elaine says:
What a little beauty.
I get the disbelief — there are still times when I can’t believe my Dad’s gone, and that’s four years ago. But awful as that is, at least it’s in the natural course for children to survive parents. The opposite is unnatural and unbelievably hard. Hang in there.
Tina says:
Your daughter was absolutely beautiful…
I know how you feel…although I’ve never lost a child, I lost my brother/best friend when he was just 39, lost my mom last year Sept.21 (last day of summer will never be the same) and now I’m watching my 78 year old father die…and he will be the last of my biological family unit to die…I know I will feel so alone. Doesn’t it just seem like this is hell… on earth????
tonya says:
Tina-
I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. Prayers.
Katie in WI says:
Tina,
Thinking of you.
Sarah says:
My heart breaks for you over and over again. Maddie was such a radiant, beautiful light. Thank you for sharing your beautiful pictures of Maddie…and for always being so raw and honest as you go through your hours and days without her. Always in my thoughts and prayers. xo
Meg...Ct says:
I miss her and I never knew her…
I can not even begin to comprehend your pain…it leaves me with a lump in my throat that won’t go away.
I wish I had a magic wand to bring her back to you…I would in a second. The world is darker without her radiant smile.
Be Well.
Peace.
Kermit says:
How about “incandescent?”
Lindsay from Florida says:
I said that one too higher up! I just think it’s perfect for such an amazing little girl.
Laurie says:
The word that comes to mind when I see pictures of Maddie is effervescent. And charisma. Incandescent is a good one, too!
.-= Laurie´s last blog ..Six =-.
Katrina says:
The hardest part of living is ………
living when someone you love has passed.
When it’s your child, it touches on the impossible.
You continue to amaze me with your strength.
I know sometimes you might not feel so strong,
but you are! You are.
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..End of Summer =-.
binkytowne says:
I absolutely love that first photo of Madeline. It brings a smile to my face, even in the midst of sadness. I hope it does the same for you, even if only once in a while.
.-= binkytowne´s last blog ..Key to My Heart =-.
Danielle says:
Her smile is so contagious. Her pictures brighten my day. Every single one of them.
.-= Danielle´s last blog ..Gimme Smore 4 day weekends please =-.
m says:
i’m so sorry. so, so sorry. i wish i could take away your pain.
Sherry says:
I don’t believe there are words to describe how you must feel and how totally beautiful she was.
Maybe a power stronger than us would know, but unfortunately the words escape us.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you for the beautiful pictures of maddie.
Thank you for sharing your heart. If only we had the power to change what breaks our hearts!!
But we don’t and so as you endure these days remember how many people care!!
How much you have to share with Binky!!!!
Issa says:
Those are beautiful pictures Heather. I love seeing her smiling face on my screen every morning.
Sometimes their just aren’t words for things. Nothing is quite strong enough, for the emotion and meaning behind it. And that’s okay. Sometimes it feels inadequate to tell you that I’m thinking of you, each time you post. But I just don’t know what else to say sometimes. I can’t not though, because I do want you to know that I’m thinking of you and Mike and Maddie, each day. Hugs honey.
.-= Issa´s last blog ..Oh heck if I know. Titles get so old. =-.
Shannon says:
My heart aches for you.
Tracy I says:
She is surely one of the most beautiful angels in the heavens now.
My heart breaks for you and Mike and I can’t imagine the loss you feel.
themaggers says:
I agree Maddie truly sparkled! She will continue to Sparkle, every time you share her story share her picture that sparkle will continue. Please keep sharing that sparkle with us!
Love You
Love Maddie
.-= themaggers´s last blog ..Thank You =-.
Chrissie says:
I can’t think of a good enough word to describe Maddie either, or the pain that you guys are in. I don’t think their is one.
((hugs))
april in NJ says:
No words today… just sending prayers and love and hugs from NJ.
Jennifer says:
I imagine you will ‘miss’ her everyday…forever. And that’s OK.
I am so glad you are blessed with another little girl to love and hold.
It will never lessen Maddie’s loss…but will fill your heart!!!
Love to you!!
Alison says:
Thinking of you every day. The shops in the UK are filled with clothes all in the colour purple – this season’s trend – and I think of you and think of Maddie. Sending hugs x
tonya says:
Someone once told me as I was heartbroken with fresh, raw grief that it doesn’t really get better. It just gets tolerable. Two years later, I understand. But not quite, because tolerable IS better. I pray for you daily, for strength, and comfort, and the hope that I know Binky will bring.
Janet says:
So beautifully written….you truly have a gift. So heartbreaking, as well. You and Mike (and Maddie and Binky) are in my thoughts and prayers daily. Hugs and love to all of you.
Leslie says:
I have NEVER met a happier baby. Maddie was all smiles all the time.
Love you.
Sarah says:
Well said. I’m 6 months in myself.
I have to say, Maddie looks so much like her daddy in that first picture. What a sweetheart.
anymommy says:
I read every day. I’m missing her with you though I can’t imagine.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..When I See You Smile =-.
Sandra says:
It’s wrong she’s gone. She’s so precious. I always feel like I need to speak of her in my comments as if she’s still here rather than past tense. She’s frozen in time.
In the 3rd picture, she has the smile of the Joker. Too cute.
.-= Sandra´s last blog ..A quick list of my life lately =-.
Erin says:
Every picture, she is just beautiful, amazing, adorable and oh so perfect. I ache for you everyday….she is just so vibrant, and this is all so unfair.
.-= Erin´s last blog ..Last Summer Vacation =-.
Katie in WI says:
Inadequate. That’s what words are.
That first picture of Maddie? I love it.
Liz says:
To describe your Maddie, it’s clear that no single word does her justice, but put a dictionary worth all together and one begins to get the idea. Sparkling, incandescent – what wonderful words!
But words to describe her loss? I can see how there are none. How lonely for you and those who loved her best. Language is how we connect to each other – how sad that it is so inadequate when we need it most! Yet, you are doing such an amazing job here with these inadequate words, to help us understand and connect.
Honestly, when I put my mind there, there are no words – my impulse would be to start screaming and never stop. It makes this blog seem even more an amazing tribute to your Maddie.
Liz says:
In French, the verb “to miss” is written in such a way that the literal translation is “You are missing to us” in
Liz says:
Whoops – cut off – my point was, in French when you say you miss someone or something, the literal translation back to english is “You are missing to me” or “They are missing to us”. It seems more appropriate to describe the absence of a loved one that way.
I’m sorry language is not enough.
Maddie is just a beautiful, sparkly little sprite The first time I saw your pictures and blog, maybe in February, I was so taken with her. She is too adorable for words.
Glenda says:
Speechless…. Inadequate….sending you and Mike hugs! XX
Aunt Becky says:
I still cannot believe it. I bought her another purple orchid, I don’t know if I emailed you the pictures. I bought it on Sunday, thinking about her.
It’s lovely. Just like Maddie.
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..To Love, Honor, and Spray With 1600 PSI. =-.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] says:
Those EYEBROWS.
They make me smile.
.-= Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog ..Hey, Cow! =-.
Andrea's Sweet Life says:
Maddie was such an incredible little person. There’s not a single word in the dictionary that does her justice.
.-= Andrea’s Sweet Life´s last blog ..My New Home =-.
Jenn says:
ohhh…that precious face. I could look at pictures of her all day!
Love, love that smile!
I’m so sorry Heather. My heart truly aches for you and your family.
Love, Jenn in CA
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..This blogging business is hard!! =-.
Tammy says:
I believe you 100% – She is too precious for words.
amanda says:
I feel that same loss of words when trying to express how sad I feel for you and your family – there, sometimes, are simply no words. xo from CT, Amanda
.-= amanda´s last blog ..chicago (the city, not the band) =-.
Michele Wallace says:
Sorry you are going through this – I love looking at the precious pics you post daily, she is BEAUTIFUL!
tara says:
maddie was luminous and sparkling and beautiful and amazing and it’s so so so so so f***ing unfair that she’s not here. my heart aches for you and mike every day. always sending love and hugs to you. xo
A Frugal Friend says:
Big Hug for you!
After losing my mom so enexpectedly 3 years ago, I’d say too that the shock has worn off, BUT and it’s a big BUT, there are moments where the shock of the past hits almost as hard as that dreadful day.
Life for me has gotten easier with each passing day, but there are moments.
More big hugs!!!!!
.-= A Frugal Friend´s last blog ..Last Day for SwagBucks! =-.
Tracey says:
Your heartache pours through the screen. There is so much courage in the way you share your pain; without knowing you, I hurt for you.
.-= Tracey´s last blog ..More from Holy Experience =-.
Alexandra says:
Adorable. Maybe that describes Maddie. I doubt anyone has an answer for how to describe your grief, though. Except maybe you.
Georgia says:
I don’t know if I should be telling you this, if it will just make it hurt more, but I had a dream about her last night. I guess it’s because I’ve been so struck by your whole story, and how sweet and lovely Maddie is, even though I don’t even know you.
Anyway, we were sitting in the bleachers at a sports game of some sort, and she was sitting on my lap. She was happy and smiling and I kept cooing her name at her and it made her laugh. Then we walked down to the field to find you, and you were sitting at a desk, doing paperwork or something. I woke up after that and it made me sad, because I know how badly you want to have a dream with her in it. I wish it could have been your dream.
I hope I don’t seem crazy for telling you about this. I just wanted you to know that she was very happy in my dream.
.-= Georgia´s last blog ..Passing Notes =-.
Marti from Michigan says:
I truly am at a loss for words. Maddie was an extraordinary child. She lived her fullest in the short time she had on this earth. With all the babies and kids in Heaven, I just can’t figure out why God needs even more of them. Just keep breathing Mike and Heather, keep walking baby steps, it’s all you can do.
I know that Maddie is watching over you, that she helped in giving you Binky and that she is so close, like a vapor, so close to you two. Death is like passing through a vapor to the other side, like a little kid looking in a window, you’re on one side of the window in the house, the child is on the other side of the window, outside, looking in. Maddie is on the outside in Heaven and is looking in the window of your hearts, your lives, and she knows your pain, knows you miss her, she knows. I know, she knows.
****HUGS**** to the Spohr family.
Jen says:
Oh Heather; if only we could away even an ounce of your pain.
Of course descriptive words are inadequate. The only adequate thing would be to have her in your arms again.
She seems like she was the perfect daughter.
You and your family are always in my thoughts and prayers.
Kim says:
I cannot imagine how you and Mike feel because when I read your blog every day I cry and I ache for you. I am sure I don’t even ache 1/8 of what you guys must. I am praying for you daily. I never knew Maddie but I can tell that she was a beautiful child-inside and out.
Dawn says:
I’m not gonna lie…I saw “Miss” and I thought you were gonna tell us you had gotten confirmation on Binky’s gender.
I’m sorry for your ache.
I have no other words than… I’m sorry.
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..birthday blues =-.
Jennifer says:
I can only imagine that you both just ache for her. And I know that no words could sufficiently describe the way you feel.
Such beautiful pics!!!!
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Swimming With Dolphins! =-.
Anne says:
I join with the others in sending prayers and kind thoughts your way during this most devastating, horrific time of your life.
Debby says:
That face lights up the room, she makes me smile. She is the sunshine on a cloudy day.
.-= Debby´s last blog ..WARNING: YOU ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS A MIRACLE =-.
Tina says:
Heather, I discovered your blog from another blog a few weeks ago. I come back often. I cry often. I don’t know you, but I feel as thou I do. I have now read every post. I believe I have beautiful children, and thought they might very well embody sunshine in their smile. Then I saw Maddie. I’m just not sure that I have seen a child that screams ‘love’ like her.
I will think of you everyday.
Holley says:
Some children simply radiate love. Maddie seems like she radiated love toward everyone. It shows in every photo you share.
I’m so sorry that she is gone. There aren’t sufficient words to say how unfair that is for everyone–you, Mike, Maddie, Binky, the rest of your family, and the world.
For what small comfort it can give, I read what you post regularly and everyday, I try to send hugs your way, if that makes any sense.
.-= Holley´s last blog ..SO we think we have the house…. =-.
JAR says:
I like “luminous”. She is absolutely radiant in these pictures! I can almost hear the giggles that surely followed.
.-= JAR´s last blog ..Kindergarten Mom =-.
Amy says:
So sorry for your pain and cannot imagine how this monumental loss must feel. Only hope Binky brings you all of the joy and happiness Maddie did in spades as she/he will. You will both so love and appreciate her/him which makes me so happy.
Binky will never replace Maddie but she will be loved for who she is am I am sure. Please do not heap your sadness on Binky. Please just give her the joy and appreciation she/he deserves I know you will…
(had to mention that, had a friend who was the second born to a sister who died before she was born. She always felt she was never enough
Not worthy and second place. I can understand her pain and hope Binky is never held up to be Maddie’s replacement.
Binky is going to rock your world as no other could regardless of sex! And hoping he/she is as much loved as possible
Sarah M. says:
I know it may not mean much, but seeing Maddie’s beautiful face was just what I needed tonight. I lost my job this morning so I had a pretty lousy day, but seeing her amazing smile made me feel better instantly. Not to mention the wake up call I got reading your post. I really needed it.
I hate that you have to go through this pain. As always you’re in my thoughts & prayers.
Alexandra says:
..makes me think of the father’s speech, whose son was killed on Sept 11.
“There are words to describe the survivor of losing a spouse, widow or widower, and there are words to describe children who survive a loss of a parent, orphans, but there is no word to describe the parent who has lost a child: because there are no words.”
Leita Reyna says:
There really are no words. It is beyond my comprehension to me. Dear Heather, I pray that you are able to reconnect with Maddie one day in a blissful place and until then find that peace that does still exist in this unfair world and cling to it. I absolutely LOVE that first picture of Maddie- she cracks me up!! She is soooo adorable! I can’t help but smile any time I see her picture.
Hugs, Leita
Valarie says:
I am so very, very sorry for the horrific loss of your beautiful daughter. I read your posts most every day and even though I don’t know you, I think of you and your family often.
Even though there are no words to adequately describe the feelings associated with the loss of a child, I do feel that your posts… your touching, beautiful, often hearbreaking posts …. offer us readers a very tiny glimpse into your shattered heart. For that, there are many of us out here in the “blogosphere” who have been changed forever by your words, and we will be keeping you and your family close in our hearts.
Angela says:
Magic. Maddie’s magic.
Zakary says:
Someone got it right by describing her as radiant.
She is so very loved.
Hugs to both of you.
.-= Zakary´s last blog ..A Post Where We Actually Went And Did Stuff. And Now You Have To Read About It. =-.
Summer says:
I don’t think I’ve ever left a message. I know you say you read all of them, but I kind of feel like it’s a burden to add to your list of things to read. BUT. I have to write now. I don’t know how to say this or if it even makes sense. But I’m glad you shared Maddie with us, I’m not glad you’re in pain, but I’m happy to be able to share that pain with you.. Meaning i’m glad you shared Maddie with the world. If you hadn’t shared her beautiful soul with us she would be just as missed, but she wouldn’t. You probably think I’m an idiot and I kind of sound like one.. But just know that Maddie will always be loved by the world. I can’t think about her or even talk about her with out bursting into tears. I love Maddie Heather and I love you too.
catherine Lucas says:
When you look at the top photograph, one does not need words to describe the miss… SUCH a funny photograph, she must have left a terrible void…
.-= catherine Lucas´s last blog ..Paparazzi on tour… =-.
Chantel @knowmeloveme says:
When I look at pictures of Maddie, she radiates love, excitement, zest for life, and energy. Even those words don’t seem right.
Keeping you in my prayers always !
.-= Chantel @knowmeloveme´s last blog ..8 Years =-.
Tricia says:
I typed this whole repsonse and decided to delete it. You always say it much better then I do.
I miss her too and I had just met her. But I don’t need to tell you how much that little person affected the people she came in contact with. That luminous smile, those eyes, oh those eyes, and that fabulous personality.
I am always thinking of you guys and sending you love, peace and strength. hugs
xoxoxoxoxo,
Tricia
Diane V says:
The word I would use to describe your Maddie is EFFERVESCENT — because it always seemed like she was exhilirated with life from the wonderful pictures you posted.
Keep the faith Heather – you are a strong woman who will survive this.
Maria Delgado says:
My heart goes out to you both.
Jenny says:
Beautiful. Just beautiful.
.-= Jenny´s last blog ..Tastes So Sweet Makes A Grown Man Cry =-.
Katie says:
She is angelic – absolutely angelic.
Maria says:
I miss her too.
.-= Maria´s last blog ..shocked and awed =-.
Elizabeth says:
I always feel inadequate when I’m trying to let you know how sorry I am that Maddie is no longer with you. Just knowing Maddie through your blog has changed my life so I can’t begin to imagine what she did for you. I’m always thinking and praying for you.
harafish says:
That’s very sad. But you have to be thankful that God has lend you His angel even for a short while.
.-= harafish´s last blog ..Dot in the Universe =-.
harafish says:
God has lent you one of His cutest angels, Madeline. That’s something to be happy for the rest of your life.
.-= harafish´s last blog ..Dot in the Universe =-.
mythoughtsonthat says:
Faith….Hope….Love….Peace.
.-= mythoughtsonthat´s last blog ..Things I Am Tired Of =-.
Tina says:
You really are an amazing writter and a great mom.
Seeing Maddie’s pictures, what can I say, she was stunning in every way.
Thinking of your family often.
emily b. says:
Grief forces us somehow to live in the moment and through your shared experience we, as witnesses live in that same time frame. Your writing is a mirror for us and sheds a light beam on those small taken- for-granted moments, the exquisite heartbreaking love for a child. Be strong, we are with you, as sisters, you are so wonderful.
Pam says:
My heart is breaking for you. Such a wonderful mom you are and she was such a happy child, you can see this in all of her smiles.
Janis says:
Looking at those pictures of Maddie makes me feel warm all over. It is a physical thing that is so hard to put into words…such a rich, full and warm feeling that you can feel all over. Like a full body smile
Two Makes Four says:
I wish I could take some of the hurt from you because that’s not a good place to be. Huge hugs.
.-= Two Makes Four´s last blog ..Tuned Out =-.
Cas says:
I check in on you guys every day. and every day, every time, it feels as though my heart will break too. How isit possible that she’s gone? it is unfathomable to me, I can’t imagine the keening pain you must feel without a break.
Erin says:
i ache for you and your husband just reading this entry. there must be no greater pain and i am so very sorry you must endure this. may binky be the beacon while maddie remains your light.
warmest wishes
.-= Erin´s last blog ..Mong’sters =-.
Dana says:
My God, has there ever been a more beautiful little girl?
Rachel says:
Hi Heather….
This post reminded me of a chat convo I had last night on FB with someone I went to nursing school with. She has had a couple of miscarriages at 16 weeks, and also one of her twins died. They were born at 26 weeks.
I was thinking last night, and this post also reminded me… of how absurd the phrase ‘lost’ a baby is. I don’t like how that connotation implies some fault on the mother’s part. Something she failed to do. If you lose your keys, it is partly due to something you did. You dropped them, left them laying somewhere, etc. I just hate how that word is so far from the truth. You do everything in your power to fight for that child for months on end…and then you ‘lose’ them? It’s just not right and so far from the truth.
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..‘Wick Pick =-.
Al_Pal says:
Gah. *HUGS* to you all.
Those photos show how luminescent Maddie is!
Amanda says:
It’s also inadequate to tell you that my heart is just fucking broken for you every time I read your words and look at the pictures of your gorgeous little girl. I’ve typed it a hundred times in these comments.
But as I get up and shut my office door again because I’m a crying mess, it’s just the truth. I’m just so sorry. It’s not fair.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Early Childhood Intervention evaluation =-.
Trisha G says:
Maddie was “Glorious” and she was “Cherished”. I don’t think there is a word to describe your pain because it isn’t something that can be described. It is only something you can feel. It is the worst kind of feeling. You and Mike belong to a club nobody wants to be in. Maddie can’t be replaced. You will always have that empty place in your soul. I do believe over time the pain won’t be so raw. I believe you will also start remembering all the great things about Maddie. It is hard to separate the good from the painful memories right now. In time I think you can think of the good without thinking of the bad too. You will never be complete without her and that is ok. Don’t get stuck though. Keep moving Heather. I know you don’t feel strong right now but you are a strong person.
vera says:
ohhh,she looks like an angel. I’m sorry to hear this news.Cheer up!