I woke on Saturday with a heavy heart. Many things on my mind, but the date of the eleventh loomed largest. I was exhausted, but I couldn’t sleep. I spent the morning on the couch, flippping through the channels, trying not to think about anything. I paused on one of the music channels when I heard one of my favorite songs, “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac.
I have two periods in my life – everything before April 7th, and everything since. Before, the world came through a sunny little filter. Now, that filter is gone. Things I’ve done a million times become new experiences. A familiar song plays, and it’s like the first time I’ve ever heard it.
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
cause I’ve built my life around you.
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I’m getting older too.
As the song played, I listened to the words and cried. I know that Stevie Nicks wrote it when she was at a crossroads, her life tumbling around her. Only she knows what churning currents were truly on her mind that day. Just like only I know what I’m feeling in my heart and head.
I don’t know if I can navigate the changes in my life, the seas and the seasons seem so wildly out of control and unforgiving.
I’m so afraid I’m going to change, even though I know I already have. My life has changed forever, the life we built around our child. Everything we did was for her. And I don’t know how to live this new life without her, even as the winds swirl and shift around us.
I’m getting older, but on the day she would have turned 20 months old, she did not. She will forever be frozen at sixteen months and 27 days, the day the landslide brought me down.
Sierra says:
Oh Heather.
I wish I had something half as eloquent to say.
I don’t. All I have is a really big hug and a boatload of love sliding down to you from 6 hours north.
xo.
MazingAmy says:
Heather,
My heart aches for you and Mike and your family. I wish I could take the pain away, erase the events of the past 3 months, give your beautiful, precious Maddie back to you.
Just know that I am here for you and I am pulling for you. And so is Maddie. I know she is up in heaven looking out for you and trying to send smiles your way.
LITB
Bec says:
I’m sitting here with nothing to say except that I’m thinking of you – always.
.-= Bec´s last blog ..A snippet =-.
Chrisie says:
(((( Hugs))))))
Pgoodness says:
A landslide, indeed. I’m guessing learning to live again takes time and nothing more. And it sucks. But we are here, listening, crying, grieving your loss with you. Saying that and saying hang in there seems so trite, so useless…I wish I had more. Xoxo
.-= Pgoodness´s last blog ..Gas Station Inspiration =-.
cj says:
I know that it doesn’t help but I am just so very sorry. Please take care and know that many of us are praying for you.
catherine lucas says:
O those dreaded Before and After moments in our life…
Before was good, after is usually mind boggling bad… It can be the other way around too, but we tend to stick to the first thinking path. It’s hard to walk through life with an invisible blue bruise on your soul… Blue can be sad too…
.-= catherine lucas´s last blog ..A birthday piglet… =-.
jenB says:
I can only imagine that it is like trying to restructure your life without Maddie. It will probably take longer than she was loved by you and in your life. Landslide is a “big” song for me as well. Overwhelmed and forced to change when you do t want to, and in your case it is horrtible that you even have to. Rely on whatever stength you have and whatever others can provide. Grief can still be solitary and lonely at times. You are courageous and brave and write about your grief in a way that helps others.
Peace – always
jenB
tiff says:
A landslide it most definitely is.
Everything takes on a different meaning when you have experienced something so overwhelmingly big.
These days are incredibly hard.
.-= tiff´s last blog ..Torn. =-.
LB says:
What you are going through is awful, and I come by often and read your words and cry. I read in one of your recent posts that sometimes you are jealous of other parents that you see, people buying diapers, and angry at others who complain about their crabby children.
I have PCOS and may never be able to have kids. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself and think that surely even some time with Maddie has to be better than no time at all. I may never get the chance to have any happy times with a little one and my husband.
I am going through my own grief and pity and self-loathing, but truly I am beginning to think you have the worst of the two of us. My heart breaks for you.
Erica says:
Dear sweet Heather,
From the moment I wake up every morning you are in my thoughts, you remain in my thoughts throughout my whole day until the moment I go to sleep at night. When I hold my daughter first thing in the morning and my heart fills with love for her, I always, always think of you, this amazing Mama so far away from me in Luxembourg who no longer has her precious daughter to hold. My heart then aches for you, dear sweet Heather, and I feel such an over-whelming sadness. These are my thoughts every morning. I then always think that if I, just a stranger who does not even know you or even knew your precious daughter, feel just like this, how on earth does this wonderful , amazing Mama who has lost her precious daughter feel. Then my tears really fall, my tears fall for you every day, dear sweet Heather. Of course only you know what you are feeling in your heart and head, dear sweet Heather, I can only begin to imagine how you are feeling and only know the parts that you share with us your readers.
Please know that I am always thinking about you, I really, really hope, this helps, just a tiny little bit to know that strangers all over the world are thinking about you and trying to walk this road with you, trying to carry your burden, in any way they can, of course this is your road to walk so its difficult to carry your burden for you – if only we could. Please know I’m always holding your hand from afar here in Luxembourg. My heart is aching even more for you as I think of you on your couch. Thank-you Heather for sharing with us today.
Thinking of you always dear sweet Heather,
your stranger friend, Erica in Luxembourg
Mary C says:
Well said Erica. I feel the same way. Lots of love Heather to you and your family.
Connie says:
Definitely well said! I never know what to say aside from sorry, which never feels…enough. But I am truly sorry and I do thank you and think of you always.
~Connie
.-= Connie´s last blog ..Another Milestore Reached!!! =-.
simplelifemommy says:
Love you, Heather. xoxo
Krissa says:
(((Hugs)))
Kate in NZ says:
Courage, strength and grace. You demonstrate these qualities through your words, even in the depths of your despair, and inspire us all. I wish you didn’t have to, but I’m grateful all the same.
.-= Kate in NZ´s last blog ..Archival footage =-.
Noelle says:
Beautifully put, Kate. Heather, I think of you and Mike and Maddie every single day but I haven’t commented on your last few posts because I’ve been at a total loss for words. There are so many stranger’s hearts aching for your loss. I wish our collective grief could help ease your burden of pain. Just remember…that heavy heart pulling you down the slope of sadness is really a heart filled with tremendous love.
.-= Noelle´s last blog ..Bored and lonely =-.
lisa wood says:
Heather, every time i read here about Maddie I want to cry. It sure makes me appreciate my kids so much more every single day. Our youngest has the weirdest cutest character. He is only four but the things he comes out with spins me out.
The latest quote he has going at the moment is ” I love everyone and all my family and all my friends for a week” Not sure where he got the saying, or why he says it. But all day long he says it…We can be anywhere, and doing anything when he comes out with it. So from our youngest son sent to you and Maddie and Mike ” I love you for a week”….we usually tell him in reply ” we love you for ever and ever” and that goes for Maddie too.
Love sent your way so very Much.
Please stay strong, and have faith that Maddie loves you for ever and ever.
Lisa
.-= lisa wood´s last blog ..Kids.. =-.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Dear Heather,
I wish we could throw you a line that you could grasp so that the landslide doesn’t sweep you away.
Keeping you in my thoughts,
Lynn
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Dogs are awesome =-.
Krystal says:
My heart is with you Heather.
(((HUGS)))
Krystal
.-= Krystal´s last blog ..Being Me =-.
Liz says:
The sad reality is learning to live as another person…the you of before changes to the you of after. It’s inevitable and hard and shitty. My heart goes out to you and your husband…it is truly terrible.
.-= Liz´s last blog ..Weekend =-.
Kim says:
Hugs Heather, as always.
xoxo
kristen says:
been away for a while…but wanted you to know that i’ve kept you and mike and maddie in my heart.
you are a gifted writer and i hope that this outlet is easing some small quantity of your pain. i still feel as though maddie knows of what you write, and that you make her very proud.
much love from CT,
kristen
Casey says:
I don’t know how you are getting through the days. I marvel at your compassion and honesty, and from far away I hope that there is some peace coming to you. But then, when I read your words and I allow myself to feel even a fraction of what you must be feeling (because I can’t possibly know the whole of it), it is clear that there is no real peace available, right now. I pray that might change for both you and Mike, but how or when? There is no way of knowing.
I’m thinking that from now on when I leave a comment, maybe I’ll leave you a story of my day or something, just so that whatever I write isn’t such an echo of what you are feeling, but more of a very minor and inconsequential diversion. Don’t know how that will work exactly, but I’m thinking that maybe you might be ready for me to contribute to your day the way you contribute to mine with stories of your life. Just a thought. We’ll see if I can follow through!
Thinking of you…
.-= Casey´s last blog ..All puffed up and nowhere to show =-.
jessica says:
I read here everyday, and can not always think of something to say, so iI don’t say anything. This is one of those times where I’m at a loss for words. So please just accept a sincere “I love you” from a stranger today. That’s all I know to give right now.
Anna Marie Hinnant says:
As always Heather, hugs to you and Mike. Your changes are overwhelming and unimaginably hard and I think about you everyday and try to send strength from the east coast.
Kelly says:
I will continue to pray for you always, that even a landslide such as losing precious Maddie will not take you down.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Wrinkles =-.
Kylie says:
I hear what you are saying and I am understanding what you mean….
Kylie xxx
Christine says:
Heather you are wonderful and amazing and my heart breaks daily over the injustice of it all. I am so so sorry. Thinking good thoughts for you and Mike every day.
.-= Christine´s last blog ..Titles =-.
april in NJ says:
I can’t say anything that will make you feel better… but know that you (Mike, Rigby, your entire families) are in so many thoughts and prayers all over the country and the world. I know that doesn’t mean anything on those days when getting out of bed seems impossible, but on the days when things seem possible, I hope it helps just a little bit and is what makes those days possible. We are all thinking of you and rallying for you Heather. Take one second as it comes. I hope that one day it gets easier… I know it will never get better… but I hope and pray that it gets easier. loving you with all my heart and sending so many hugs from NJ…
Sally says:
Crying with you on this one Heather. Music can always be such a painful and powerful trigger.
I know what you mean about a before life and an after life. For you, April 7, 2009 and for me August 18, 2008 when my baby girl got away.
Thinking of you and sweet, sweet little Maddie.
xo
.-= Sally´s last blog ..60 =-.
Lisa says:
All family, friends and “stranger” friends will do our best to hold you up as the land slides out from under you.
Thinking of you and sending you a great big ((hug)).
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Iodine is Important for Pregnant and Nursing Moms =-.
pillarr1 says:
Heather,
I just looked at the video (again) of Maddie and the air conditioner vents. Soooo I am still smiling. I love watching her and remembering her. Before my loss a few years ago, I liked to read any magazine that had to do with money (KIplinger, Money, Smart Money. After my loss, I did not think about things like that or even touch them. For years. Then one day, I was in the bookstore and I saw Money magazine. I bought it. I read it cover to cover. It was the first time that I was able to do something that I enjoyed for so long. That is just a small example of being able to reconcile my new life without my kids. I hope that one day you will also be able to do and enjoy some of the things that you like to do.
Jennifer says:
It’s weird how song lyrics can take on new meanings as time goes along. I’m sure every song feels somehow different for you now because it’s a whole new world.
Thinking of you guys daily!!
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Princess Pickle =-.
Jenny says:
(((Hugs)))
tara says:
heather – i haven’t been able to comment or read your blog for over a week – i have been without internet. but i hope you know that a day never goes by without me thinking of you, mike and maddie. i am always, always sending you love and hugs. xoxoxo
Deborah says:
Much love to you, as always. I don’t know how you will get through this either, but I know you will. You will be changed, yes, but you will still be you.
.-= Deborah´s last blog ..Red-Eyed Tree Frog =-.
Tami says:
Every day when I read your post. I cry. I also worry about losing my husband , my son, it is so scary and it seems so unfair.. I try to hold on to every moment of the day.. My heart breaks for all of you as you try to go threw each day with out Maddie.. She is missed and I wish We could take back time. Just know there is allot of people that have you in there thoughts and prayers.
Hugs,
Ms. Moon says:
Hang in there, hang in there, hang in there. Even when you feel you aren’t or can’t, you are and you can.
Sending thoughts of light and love across the country to you and Mike, always.
.-= Ms. Moon´s last blog ..And If Only Bon-Bons Were Involved, It Would Be Perfect =-.
Alexandra says:
Sweet Heather: Everything is going to mean something different now, just everything. Books, movies, songs, other people’s pain, all of it. The innocence in you is gone, and you’re living on the other side.
I remember, after I had my first miscarriage (total of 3), how shocked and amazed I felt at how tritely I had treated others who had gone through the same thing. Your eyes are opened up to a whole new world of pain of others, that you never thought deep enough about before. You are a different person now, and you feel everything, it’s like your skin is peeled off and you feel all the hurt of the world now.
I think of you every morning, because I can’t believe the burden you’re carrying right now. Love you, beautiful Heather.
Vicky says:
I guess there really isn’t anything I or anybody else can say that would make any of it less painful for you. I hope that the fact that we are all here in this virtual world holding you up as best as we can is a small comfort to you. It’s such a helpless feeling.
I actually dreamed about you last night. I don’t remember anything about the dream other than you were there. Weird, huh.
sam {temptingmama} says:
*hugs*
Just *hugs*.
Thinking of you.
.-= sam {temptingmama}´s last blog ..Clinging =-.
Shauna says:
That song is so freaking intense. But I imagine everything is pretty freaking intense for you right now. I wish with everything in me that I could make it even the tiniest bit easier for you. I’m thinking about you guys always, and sending lots of love.
.-= Shauna´s last blog ..Arrival =-.
Ari says:
That’s a beautiful song and I’ve never really “heard” the lyrics like that before. I wish I could say more than *hugs*
.-= Ari´s last blog ..The Bay and the bed =-.
Aggie says:
Heather, you have such an amazing way with words. I read your blog and my heart breaks into a million pieces. Please know that there are so many of us out there who are thinking of you daily and who love you from afar. I have never met you, but I always hope that someday I might. And you would get the biggest hug and you could cry all you want. I’m very soft and squishy – I make a good hugger and a good cry-buddy.
So many (((hugs))) to you and Mike.
MelissaG says:
That song makes me cry too when I think about things and it’s playing…now I will think about you, too, every time I hear it. I can’t imagine, I wish there were something more I could do or say.
Courtney says:
I wish I had something profound for you, but again I don’t. You all are in my thoughts and prayers, God Bless.
Courtney in New York.
.-= Courtney´s last blog ..In Honor of… =-.
Dawn says:
and we love the Heather who is becoming.
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..Whispers =-.
Christina says:
UGGH! This is so horrible and unfair.
Perhaps, commenters are supposed to be PC and tell you “you’ll get through this” but I just can’t wrap my head around how that is possible.
It is incredibly brave and worth admiration that you are surviving.
My heart is with you.
.-= Christina´s last blog ..The View From Episode Four of True Blood =-.
Sara Joy says:
Heather,
So well said, and my heart is still breaking for you. I think of our lives in terms of BEFORE and AFTER and the strange 4 days of the NICU inbetween. The thought of time moving on past him is the worst.
I don’t know who I will be anymore either, every single thing looks different to me now. Just know that the new me is sending the new you internet {{HUGS}} from my cave today.
SJ
Kelly says:
((((Hugs))))
Thinking of you this morning, Heather.
Layne says:
Heather,
I started reading your blog back when you and Maddie were “footloose and fancyfree” I only follow three blogs and yours is one of them…the way you write, your beautiful child and wonderful photography. I still follow your blog as my heart hurts all the time for you. I have never in my life commented on a blog but feel compelled to do so. As many have stated before me, your experience makes me be a better mother to my three girls and to hug and appreciate them every day. The reason I am compelled to comment today is to give you some thoughts going forward. My father passed away when I was 11 and my mother was devastated. She says the the main thing that got her through the grief was enrolling herself back into school. It was a mindless structure that required her to get out of bed and use her mind in ways that for small sections of the day took it off of her grief. I read about your wanting to take photography classed is 2009…..DO IT TOMORROW….nothing replaces your loss but you need a coping mechanism and if it is not photography classes, maybe work towards another degree. It may be the hardest thing you can do right now, but I think you need a life saver and maybe this would help. Other thoughts I had would be to volunteer at a mission,….my mother does that too and I could give you info if you want it. My dad died of cancer at age 36 on October 31. She enrolled in a program that has classes in Mexico (she was working on her Spanish) and took all three of us with her! It was the best thing she could have done for not only me but also herself. It required incrediible courage as she took three children to Mexico without her husband to help. But something about removing yourself from the painful surroundings is very healing. She then continued to go to school when she returned from Mexico for two more years and has her masters in Spanish. She taught at the college for many years after that. I tell you this because even though you have lost the love of your life and all of your dreams (and as a mother, I totallly undrstand) you have to do something to move forward. For the first time today I read what you wrote about photography and how you were going to take classed in 2009. I know it may seem useless to you now….but I watched my mother survive the death of the love of her life and thought I would share how she did it in hopes that it will help you move forward. I am praying for you everyday!
Layne
JennK says:
I think, maybe, that this is part of the process. The part where you start to wake up from the shock…and here it is months (or years) later. You’re older, I’m older. Your baby is forever 17 months, mine will forever be 11 months.
The crossroads comes when you choose to either go back to sleep or pick yourself up a little bit. Even for an hour or a day.
Time does not heal even though you will probably be told that. Nothing, not a thing in the world will hide the raw wound (and then the scab and then the gaping scar). All that time can do is soften the edges. The cuts won’t be as deep all day, every day.
Much love and support to you on your journey.
.-= JennK´s last blog ..Rare. =-.
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas says:
I love that song too. I don’t know what to say except the same lame old thing, that I’m so sorry. That I think about you and Mike and Maddie every day. That you are in my heart and in my prayers.
.-= Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas´s last blog ..How To Smoke A Salmon =-.
Kelly says:
I wish I had something to say that would be of comfort… This all just sucks. Bad. Still devastated for you that you have to live this nightmare.
Hugs and love to you all.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Sleeping on the job =-.
Lady Lemon says:
I have always loved that song. It’s one of those that is applicable to so many situations, but no matter what, it always feels like it was written about whatever you are going through.
I’m so sorry that things in you life took this turn. I’m sorry it had to change you, but I totally get why it did. I’m just sorry.
.-= Lady Lemon´s last blog ..So, Instead I Post =-.
Karen Sugarpants says:
Love you. Please know we think of you all the time here. Thomas goes to get my Maddie shirt some days and we talk about her. He loves her smiling face.
.-= Karen Sugarpants´s last blog ..Coming to Americus =-.
cindy w says:
That song has always made me cry. Even reading the lyrics just now made me tear up again.
I hate so much that you & Mike are going through this. No one should have to grieve the loss of a child. Nobody. I’m so, so sorry. Love you guys.
.-= cindy w´s last blog ..a hacky photo entry that requires no real forethought or editing =-.
amanda says:
I know you will get through this – and only because you are in the horrible situation of having no choice BUT to get through it – certainly changed and scarred – but better, better because of having had the joy of Maddie in your life – and we are better for it too. Love, love love…
xo from CT,
Amanda
.-= amanda´s last blog ..HELL WEEK! =-.
Tamela says:
That sunny filter of life still comes through in the beautiful way you express your grief, I don’t think I could be so eloquent. You have a way with words that’s truly inspiring.
J says:
There’s nothing anyone can say that will make it better. I can’t imagine the grief you feel every second of every day; I can’t imagine the weight you and Mike and your families feel upon your hearts. It is so wrong that your beautiful daughter is gone. It is wrong and awful that the only way out is through, and going through this is something no one should have to bear.
You all continue to be in my prayers.
Della says:
ARGH! I closed the window before hitting submit.
Not a day goes by that I don’t consider the hurt of this change you’re describing. For the past months, I’ve been dreading it for you.
Yet, each and every time I think of you, I pray that you’ll each have the strength to make that change and become the You Without, because the only alternative is to cease to be – an alternative I refuse to accept for you!
Whether or not you remember or care on your own, please remember for the rest of us – your value exists separately from your connection to Maddie. You may not (currently) value life separately from your connection to her, but your own value, the worth of you, is totally independent of that connection.
We all adore Maddie, but we’re still here because we love you. I continue, at every opportunity, to pray that you will find the strength to live through this change and to accept the new normal.
.-= Della´s last blog ..Not Me! Monday – Early Edition =-.
Amy says:
I have no words of wisdom… just wanted to say I am continually thinking of you. My purple hydrangea started to bloom this weekend… couldn’t help but think of your sweet girl.
much love to you today from MA
Libby says:
Many hugs to you today – i saw an abby cadabby this weekend, and said a prayer for you and your maddie.
Lori says:
Heather,
just so very sorry…. I often start to write but delete it.(never know what to say) I hope you know how many people are thinking of you, Mike, Rigby, and your families.
I started reading your blog after finding Matt’s and then I spent an entire weekend reading your archived entries. I laughed and cried through the entries….I love your photos and videos.
hugs to you and your family,
Lori
Jennifer L says:
I think of you, Mike and Maddy not just daily but several times a day. I wish peace for you, and am continually sending you strength from Atlanta. Much love, Jennifer
Alicia says:
Your words gave me chills, again.
I wish the love on this here Interwebz could bring sweet Maddie back for you, and everyone.
.-= Alicia´s last blog ..best in show =-.
won says:
I get it…it seems so dark. So fucking dark!!!
I often wish to be on the other side with our girls, this weekend even moreso than usual if that’s possible.
I’m amazed you are even able to listen to music. Want to certainly acknowledge you for being able to do that!
.-= won´s last blog ..Soldiering =-.
Jennifer says:
Heather, we all love you so much and even though you don’t know a lot of us, we are trying to do everything we can to help you in anyway we can.
From every fiber in my being, I soo wish I could change this story. It is so unfair that you have to learn this new life. There as so many unjust things that happen in life, but this is truly the cruelest one.
The 11th is a mixed emotion day for me. This past Saturday, 7/11, my little girl turned 1 years old. It was a great day! However, it was bittersweet. Throughout the day, I thought about you and Maddie when she turned 1. I reflected back on the pictures I have seen where you were all celebrating her b-day and thought, she never in a million years would have thought what was to come. I know you don’t want to be the poster child for all of us Mom’s & Dad’s out here, but you make me hug my babies tighter and NEVER for one minute take their existence for granted.
My heart just aches so much for you and what you are having to bear. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers everyday.
Much love, Jenn in CA
Kara says:
Heather, no words…just tons of hugs and continued prayers for you and Mike.
.-= Kara´s last blog ..Thanksgiving Thursday =-.
Becky says:
So fucking unfair.
.-= Becky´s last blog ..Preamble. (Part I) =-.
melissa says:
That is a great song. Always makes me cry. I love the Smashing Pumpkins version too, which I hear more often than the original.
I thought about you this weekend. I was looking at the sky daydreaming because I do this when I want to escape from what’s going on around me. So your title. It gave me goosebumps when I saw it.
Sending you a hug to go along with the thousand others being sent your way
Rach says:
I love that song.
I wish I had something to say that would help you. But I don’t, so I just wanted to say I think about you three a LOT.
Becca says:
I love that song too, Heather. I just cried reading yet another one of your posts. I’m just so sad for you, still shocked that you have to live your life without your sweet Maddie. Thank goodness you are reminded of her through so many different things, she will forever be in your heart. Lots of hugs!
.-= Becca´s last blog ..Summertime fun =-.
Jenn says:
OOhh Sweetie,.
One tiny step at a time, while remembering to breathe. Sending you lots of Hugs and the most love I can give living so far away. I so wish I could somehow even take a little bit of the pain away from you.
Thinking of you, Mike & Maddie Always!
Love,
Your Stranger Friend,
Jenn
Erin says:
I have no words…i dont know how i would handle that land slide. And i hope you know…you shouldnt and probably wont know how to for awhile. All i know is many many people read your words…and wish they could fix it all. I am one of those…i truely wish somehow..in any way..i could help. XOXO
.-= Erin´s last blog ..Happy 8 Month Birthday!! =-.
AMomTwoBoys says:
You’re never going to be the same as you were. How could you be? But I love and adore the Heather you are now.
I don’t know how you’re going to do it either, but I promise I’ll be here to hold your hand whenever you need me to.
Love you.
.-= AMomTwoBoys´s last blog ..3 Months =-.
Shana in Texas says:
You, Mike, and Maddie are in my thoughts often. I wish I could do or say more that might make a difference for the better. Just know that we all care about you.
Debby says:
May God hold you tight in His arms.
.-= Debby´s last blog ..I GOT MY FIX TODAY =-.
Glenda says:
Heather, I LOVE that song! Thinking of you, Mike and Maddie and sending you hugs! XX
Jamie says:
That song always felt like melancholy to me. It’s beautiful, but it breaks my heart a little whenever I hear it.
I don’t think you ever stop grieving for someone you love and I understand that line of demarcation between what was and what is. It’s an awful line to have to look back across.
.-= Jamie´s last blog ..The Difference =-.
Issa says:
Some times I just don’t know what to say, but I want you to know I’m here, thinking of you.
.-= Issa´s last blog ..I’ll take a little random with my random, please =-.
Yvonne says:
Heather,
I have not commented lately, but I’m still here, and holding your heart in my heart – I think of you often.
Yvonne
.-= Yvonne´s last blog ..Turning Back =-.
jana says:
I love that song, I always have. I can’t say my life has always been sunny—I talked about this with friends sometimes, wishing I were innately more sunny, but I am not; making friends with that—it is also what makes me a good friend, a good listener, compassionate and empathetic, so I guess I will work on acceptance.
Heather, I don’t know anything in actuality of what you are feeling, but I do know that sharing pain helps, that you are strong, that Maddie’s unique and amazing spirit will forever color your (and others) days. I care and I wish I could hug you, make you something yummy, take a walk, talk or not talk, just be there for you.
Huge support and thoughts of you, Mike and both of your family’s daily.
.-= jana´s last blog ..Friday style via Chris Everard =-.
Snarky Mommy says:
Heather this post was so sad and I am so sorry for how things have turned out. I can only hope time will help heal you a little bit. No one should have to go through this. You are incredible for sharing your process with all these people.
I hope I get to say hello to you at BlogHer!
.-= Snarky Mommy´s last blog ..Pop, pop, pop =-.
Dina says:
Your writing is so beautiful and clear. The last sentence so eloquently says it all. It is just not right that your days move forward and Maddie is not with you. I wish so hard that there was a way to change that. No matter how beautiful and loved she was in her time with you and Mike, it was not enough. Not nearly enough.
I think of you often and wish you happiness ahead, with Maddie forever in your heart.
I only know you and your family through your blog, and Maddie has definitely captured a piece of my heart. I know it’s just the tiniest fraction of how you feel, but I want you to know just how much love and care there is out “here” for you….
Jenn says:
I live across the country from you, and I never met Maddie and will never meet you and Mike, but your little girl and all the love and all of the heartache you’ve experienced have forever changed me. Just today I glanced across the pool and could have sworn I saw little Maddie sitting in some kind lady’s lap. Of course, it wasn’t her and I felt a pang of disappointment — as if maybe I had found her and could make all your hurt go away, but then realized my mind was playing tricks on me. I hope (someday if not now) you are comforted by the people who love you and Mike and Maddie…even those of us who you’ll never know.
Virginia says:
Heather … I wish I had words to comfort you. And Mike. Maddie, in her life, inspired so many people. So very many people. And she got that from you and Mike. You are always in my thoughts.
Christiana says:
My thoughts and prayers are with you guys, all the time. I wish there was something else for me to say to help you with your grief, but I don’t know what that would be.
.-= Christiana´s last blog ..Book Reviews (June ’09) =-.
Jennifer says:
I don’t know how you continue to write such eloquent and beautiful posts in the midst of your grief but I’m glad that you are writing because there are so many of us reading.
Landslide is such a heartbreakingly beautiful song. Isn’t it amazing how we hearlyrics through our current life lens. I guess that’s what makes certain songs so timeless.
You are in my thoughts every day…and every day I think that I am so sorry you are walking this road…that anyone has to walk this road. It’s so wrong.
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..There but for the grace of God… =-.
Emma says:
I have thought about you and Maddie a lot over the last 2 days, as I have watched my own daughter struggle for each breath. Honestly, if it weren’t for reading your blog over the last few months I wouldn’t have been as quick to go the ER…I always think we can manage her asthma easily at home. Turns out she also has pneumonia.
Yesterday was really a lesson for me in how fast my life, like yours, could have changed.
.-= Emma´s last blog ..At least someone loves me =-.
Shirley says:
I am a total stranger yet think of you and Madeline every day. A total stranger who frequently asks why? I can’t even imagine your grief and your anger. Please just know that through your writing Madeline is remembered by so many.
.-= Shirley´s last blog ..The Effects of Helium =-.
Jenn says:
Oh my goodness, I bawled to this song too RIGHT after I found out about Jude. It came on in the car, and I sat listening to the words just weeping.
As usual you are in my thoughts. Your blog has become a topic amongst my dinner conversations with others because they all read your daily updates now. As much as you prefer we didn’t have to share in this with you we do, and we just wish we could do something, but we cannot.
Hugs
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..Monday =-.
bessie.viola says:
Oh, landslide is just the right term for this, isn’t it? I’m so sorry that you’re buried in it right now. I wish it could be taken back. Sending love & hugs.
Miss MVK says:
Heather,
I loved this post. I love that song too and now each time I hear it, I will think of you and your Maddie and the landslide you endure over and over again. I heard another mom speak about losing her child and she said that you never, ever recover from it, but you work to find a “new normal.” I hope that in time, you will be able to find your new normal, though what could ever be normal about Maddie not being here is impossible to imagine.
Sending many hugs and much support. THank you for sharing your story.
PS – I tried to logon to Mike’s blog and all that came up was a white screen that said “You are banned.” I am pretty sure I have never left a comment or anything unsavory if so? Just wanted to make sure I didn’t miss something.
.-= Miss MVK´s last blog ..Side affects =-.
anymommy says:
I have nothing profound, nothing that will help, I just want you to know that I’m reading your incredible words as you find your way.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..And The Blanket Goes To… =-.
Amber says:
Heather,
i am so sorry! I think of you every day and look forward to seeing pictures and hearing about Maddie. She still lives in all of us who carry her in our hearts. If you feel comfortable, would you email me? I’d love to get your address so I can send you a little care package.
Love from a stranger, Amber
Dana says:
Heather,
Just posting to let you know I’m always thinking about you and honestly not a day goes by that I don’t remember and think about Maddie…Now I will always think of her when I hear this song…
This post made me cry as I wish I could stop the landslide and reverse time for you….
.-= Dana´s last blog ..Tue, Jul 7, 2009 =-.
Kristen McD says:
I don’t know what to say. But wanted you to know yet another was here. Witnessing.
Susan says:
I never know what to say. I am a quiet listener- hearing your word and a virtual shoulder to lean on.
Lindsay from Florida says:
Every day, after reading your latest post, I tear up and get angry at the world. Then I click on some photos from the “Mamarazzi” tab on the side and I smile and laugh with your gorgeous baby girl.
I do not think of Maddie as “frozen” in time. Her legacy grows brighter and brighter with every word you write … she is still inspiring and changing others. It’s not enough, and it doesn’t ease your grief … but there it is.
Love to you and your family.
Brandi Rollins says:
Every day I read your blog and every single time I have tears streaming down my face. I lost my son 3 1/2 years ago, I know about the visceral pain. Your Maddie is so beautiful, all of her pictures make me smile! Hold on to everything good, it’s such a dark path, I know, I have been down it. You have so many people holding you close to their hearts right now.
Jess L. says:
I think Landslide is an apt descriptor for Maddie – a 15 pound “pebble” who captured and captivated everyone in her path, and changed the very landscape of life for so many people. It’s like she crammed an entire lifetime of energy and joy into 16 too-short months. And Heather, you have done an amazing job of channeling the outpouring caused by Maddie’s passing into powerful results. Any way you measure it – dollars donated, care packages assembled, renewed appreciation for our babies, even just the courage to bear witness to another’s pain – Maddie has had a tremendous impact.
I can’t even imagine the depth of your grief, but I admire all you’ve done to start working through that pain, and to build a strong and wonderful legacy for Maddie.
Apple Sauce says:
Dang it Heather. I just don’t understand how something so horrible could happen to such a wonderful couple. I’m so, so sorry for your pain.
Big HUGS.
.-= Apple Sauce´s last blog ..Puppy Breath =-.
Jack's Mom says:
Dearest Heather-
A day never goes by that I don’t think about you and Maddie. Nothing I write will make you feel better, but know that my heart breaks, many times a day, for your beloved Maddie. You creep into my thoughts, and I’ll wonder how you’re getting through the day, praying you’re with friends and family to lean on. I will always “listen” to what you write.
Mary @ Holy Mackerel says:
Holding you tightly in my cyber arms.
.-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..The Net That Will Finally Garner Us The Popularity Quotient, Or Something Like That, AKA Mr. Handsome Cannot Tell Time =-.
Colleen says:
Heather, you are an amazing mom and have been to the edge of hell and back. Your grief is almost palpable and yet, I think the key to winning is fighting that enemy called grief. Beat it back with everything you have. It is my belief that grief keeps us distant from the ones we have lost. One time I had a dream that my brother came to me. He died when I was just a baby and he told me that I was HIS sister. I was so confused because OF COURSE I was his sister. He told me that he was with me. I had no idea what he was saying and he said he attached to me because I had the least amount of grief in the family. He hung with us, but attached to someone that wasn’t consumed with grief. Being a baby, I didn’t grieve. I just really feel that Maddie will be closer to you when you are able to smile at your shared memories. Easier said than done, I know and I wish I knew how to fight it, but please try each day to do ONE thing to beat grief, just one thing. It’s baby steps, one small step each day to bring you farther and farther away from the edge. You have so much love in your heart that needs to be shared, both now, and in the future; focus on that love and feel yourself walk away from the edge. Be strong Heather, please be strong.
Kate says:
**hugs**
.-= Kate´s last blog ..The Brown Spot =-.
Christy says:
I know what you mean about the music heather. I listen to the words to songs much closer now. I can find meanings in them or understand them better when I am coming at the perspective I have now. I use blip.fm to dedicate my favorites or new ones I hear to my little boy. Another outlet for you, maybe…..
thinking of you…
.-= Christy´s last blog ..Missing him =-.
Molly says:
Oh, Heather. Just hang on. It will get better. It has to.
I am thinking of you and Maddie and Mike (and Rigby!) every day.
Andrea's Sweet Life says:
I have nothing intelligent to say, no advice to give (aren’t you glad?).
I think there are a lot of us who wear Maddie-colored glasses. She changed our world forever.
.-= Andrea’s Sweet Life´s last blog ..BlogHer Bound =-.
Michele says:
I have read your blog and I have cried for your horrible loss. Your child is a most beautiful child, happy child, loved child. It breaks my heart each time i read your blog and you sound even more sad than the time before. Maddie was so happy and would so want her mommy and daddy to be the same, to love life again for her, to go on with happy thoughts of her each day, because Maddie was happiness….all over her beautiful face. I cant help but giggle when i see her pictures and her radiant laughing smile. I hope through your pain and sadness you can again find the sunshine that is waiting for you…its there, patiently waiting for you to let it in.
Marti from Michigan says:
I love that song too. I love Stevie Nicks and Fleetwood Mac. Their music makes sense. No one else can go on this journey you and Mike are taking, only you guys can. Maddie is there guiding you, as is God and your families. Anyone who has lost someone significant in their lives goes on this grief journey. It does not matter how long it takes, no matter what the world might say in about a year, that you should be over it. This is not true! I still grieve my father who died at the robust age of 90, four years ago. I still miss my mom who followed 2 years later at age 84. I still miss my son who would have been 36 years old now had he lived.
I’m not sure if you can still get a copy of this book: “Hinds Feet On High Places”, by Hannah Hurnard. It is fiction, but it tells the story of a girl whose name was “Much Afraid” and her journey through the mountains to find life with God. It is fiction, but also an “allegory.”
It might help you see that you and Mike are on a journey, both together and separately. It’s a remarkable book and I have read it at least 5 times and am currently reading it again. It helps me wherever I am in my journey through this life.
I wish for you rainbows galore, sunny days, smog-free air, purple butterflies, peace, love, and wholeness.
Two Makes Four says:
Hey – I wanted to mention a book called “The Year of Magical Thinking” by Joan Didion. It’s fiction, but deals very VERY pointedly with grief and loss. I think you’d relate to it a lot. Not sure if you’re into that sort of thing, want it or need it. But I’m sending you a cyber hug anyway.
.-= Two Makes Four´s last blog ..Althea Takes a Stand =-.
Susan says:
Dear Heather,
I check your blog every day to see how you are doing. Sometimes I feel like I’m spying on your life and it’s wrong to do that so I try to comment sometimes but I always feel so dorky and wrong and afraid i’m going to offend you.
I shared with you via email that I lost a child in utero at 34 weeks in 1996 and never got closure. I never mourned; I never grieved; and in some ways I am paying a price for that now. You are being open and letting it all just pour out of you and I think that is so healthy, as heart wrenching and awful as it is. I have literally cried and turned off my computer after reading a Maddie memory.
After I read here, sometimes I say to myself, “Maybe Heather won’t be as depressed today. Maybe she’ll be able to enjoy her life again.” Little things like that. I don’t know you, yet I worry for you. I worry for your marriage, I worry whether you will try to have other children, I wonder about your fears. I feel like I feel so much of your pain. I look at your beautiful child and I can’t imagine what it would be like to wake up and not have my baby or ANY of my children with me. I just don’t know anything. I guess none of us do. I don’t know if there’s a heaven. I hope there is. I hope there is a way for Maddie to support you spiritually and to someday tell you, “mom and dad, you gave me the greatest ever life. you made me so happy every day and I loved my life and it’s not your fault my little body gave out. I loved you a lifetime in 17 months and I will always love you, my mommy and daddy.” I just know if there is a supernatural plane or a spiritual connection to your daughter, she would smile and laugh and love you and tell you that it’s okay. This is all my hope for you. For both of you, your parents, your siblings, your friends, and everyone in Maddie’s life who is suffering. Please accept my humble comments with the best of intentions. I am thankful for the honor of being able to read here.
a friend in Chicago
Susan
Kristy says:
I only come here to tell you that I think about you daily. There are no words. Only silence. And tears and anger. I get it.
HUGS.
.-= Kristy´s last blog ..I can’t remember =-.
Alison says:
Forgot to put my name on my comment, oops.
Here it is, 2.0:
This post is heartbreaking and beautiful.
Love to you, Mike, and Maddie. Forever.
.-= Alison´s last blog ..An Endlessly Fascinating Tattoo =-.
Tara in The Fort says:
Heather-
I don’t know how you’re navigating these changes, but you’re doing it. It’s one hour at a time and you are being so brave and so strong. Maddie is a lucky little girl that she had you as her Mommy.
(((hugs)))
Stacie says:
Heather,
My heart continously breaks for you and I wanted to let you know how much you and your sweet Maddie touch my life.
I like an earlier poster have PCOS so I was told I would never have children and might as well have a hysterectomy. This was in 2000 I was 21 when the jerk of a doctor told me this. Needlessto say I never stepped foot in his office again.
I hated this possibility but I also have Marfans Syndrome so in my head I figured maybe this was ok.
Then spring of 2004 I found out I was pregnant. You would never had known my tummy never grew and I actually lost 30lbs but I was so excited then on September 13th I had to have an emergency c-section and my son was delivered at 32 weeks and weighed 3 lbs.
I have never been so scared in my life! He survived and after a stay in nicu of only 8 days he came home.
Then at 16 months he was finally tested and diagnosted with Marfans and it has effected his heart greatly.
I still struggle with the fact that I passed this on to him and that I am to blame and I obsessed about it everyday I looked for something to go wrong.
Now the point to my extremely long boring story. You & maddie have reached a part of me that finally allowed me to just enjoy Jacob and not look for the dark cloud on the horizon.
The cloud may come but I pray to God it doesn’t but if it does I would rather be like you and have all these wonderful memories that help carry me through then all the missed opportunities.
I am sorry for the rambling (you may see why I have not posted more before) You, Heather are an amazing women and an even more amazing mom and I am so sorry you have to go through this but from the bottom of my heart thank you so much for trusting us strangers with the love of your precious Maddie.
Hawkfeather says:
At this period in my life where I could not see the ‘out’ from my suffering- or even comprehend that such a time or place as *better* even existed I had a solid epiphany.
I spent a lot of time wondering- and worrying-
“when will I go back to normal?”
I wanted to know.. when would things return.. when would i be “me” again?
I longed for it.. something i never knew was a reality- I suddenly was desperate to have it wrapped around me- familiar and safe..
“me”
and like a massive weight falling from the sky it hit me.
I never would return to normal.
there would never be a time I would go back.
To much had changed, to much had happened.
All i could do was wait and see how this new me would adjust.. and find out just who this woman was.
And yes the before and after- they are all me..
but It helped on some level- to stop waiting.
because with the realization came the knowledge that I no longer had to be *better* to fit into the mold life had me in before things changed.
That I could be *me* in any shape- in any situation…
Sometimes I still feel like I am waiting.
and sometimes I am not to sure of this woman sitting here being called by name and wearing my panties.
But what can I say.
All these events have defined me to some degree- some more than others.
and I would never pass on the bad for fear of loosing even a fraction of the wonderful.
Much Love to you.
-the beautiful woman you will always be.
Kathryn says:
Reading your post and then I started to think about landslides and other disasters like earthquakes and areas where hurricanes often hit. And then I realized, even in these areas where people know bad things can happen, they often re-build. Why? I guess cause it’s beautiful there. It must be a special place, a place that can be loved. I think slowly you will re-build your life too. It won’t be the same structure as before, but it can still be beautiful and worthy. And it will always contain elements of Madeline in it…that part can never be wiped out by any landslide.
.-= Kathryn´s last blog ..Caught in the crossfire between a nightowl and a morning bird =-.
rachel-asouthernfairytale says:
awww babydoll.
Wish I had the words, wish I knew the magic spell, the SOMETHING… anything.
LOVE, that is all.
.-= rachel-asouthernfairytale´s last blog ..Crispy Baked Salsa Chicken =-.
dysfunctional mom says:
Shortly before my ex and I seperated, the Dixie Chicks rerecorded that song. It was very significant to me at that time, for different reasons. It’s a powerful song that evokes powerful emotions.
xoxo
.-= dysfunctional mom´s last blog ..If you can’t say anything nice… =-.
Heather says:
Loving is always risky and you loved Maddie with all your heart and soul and with every breath you took. She was the complete center of your universe, your sun and moon, your reason for growing personally, but she was also your child and your responsibility. Now everything is gone. The joy and the burden, the light and the dark–in it’s place you feel despair and wonder what you will find out there to grab on to…what is there, if not Maddie, your sweet precious, smiling Maddie?
Everyone’s reality is different so I can not tell you want to hang on to but I know that before Maddie there was Mike and your parents and your hobbies and they were enough for you then and some day they wil be enough for you again. You may never feel the same “fullness” you felt as Maddie’s mother, but you will find satisfaction and hope and yet another reason for living that isn’t just satisfactory but extraordinary, because extraordinary people do extraordinary things and you certain fit that role with ease and grace.
I admire all that you have accomplished and I admire so much about you. I even admire your daughter and her memory, she was such a valiant fighter and then just a baby who was a victim of circumstance just like all of us are in our own ways. She was warm and human and real just like her mother and she lives in you, Heather. You’ll get through this not just because there is really no other option but just because you’re a fighter. You fought for her life and you may have lost in the end but you did have 16 magical months, you GAVE those to her. She had a wonderful life and then moved along. You’ll be back together someday, it’s just your mortal separation will be longer than most of ours from our children. That hole is huge, endless hours but how you fill them will determine the woman you are when you see that angel of yours again.
Wounds heal at different speeds but your wound is of the spirit and they are the hardest to heal but it will heal-scar? yes. But heal all the same.
We’re all here to help you get that landslide off your shoulders one shovelful at a time…
From one mother to another,
With Love.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Down’s Syndrome and Me =-.
mythoughtsonthat says:
I cry when I hear that song, too.
Faith….Hope….Love….Peace.
.-= mythoughtsonthat´s last blog ..It’s REALLY HOT Here…. =-.
Rebecca says:
I read this poem today and thought of you. I wasn’t sure if you’d read it before so I wanted to share it. Hugs!
The way to treat a Mother who is grieving
Please Be Gentle
By Jill B. Englar
Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and screamand repeatedly ask ‘why?’
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,so great is my loss.
Please don’t turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?
Don’t worry about making me cry.
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..My 100th post!! =-.
Haley-O says:
It’s a beautiful song, I know…. Time isn’t frozen…. You will see each other again, and it may help to hold on to that knowledge (and hope) everyday. ((hugs))
.-= Haley-O´s last blog ..Cheaty’s Dancing Cousin MILES FABER (SYTYCD!) & NEW HAIRCUT =-.
Tina says:
I know I’ll cry when I come here… I come anyway.
I come and read so I can cry with you, for you, and for your whole family.
I want so badly for all of this pain to be gone and your beautiful baby girl, here.
I know I am post 128 but I hope you read this and know just how many people, strangers, loved ones; want you and Mike to be whole again.
Send my love, prayers, and so many tears—— God be with you always.
Al_Pal says:
Ai. Landslide indeed. ;/
*HUGS*
Jennifer says:
I cannot not even begin to fathom what you and your husband are going through but I was completely struck when you said that everything prior was seen through a different filter. I had a close friend pass very unexpectantly and have said that everything prior was looking through the world through rose colored glasses. It is so true that the world LOOKS different. It was so strange to me to feel this way.
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..This is where I went to dinner tonight… =-.