Mike and I just got back from four days away from Annabel. She and Rigby had lots of fun with Gramma and Bampa. This was the second time Mike and I have gone away together since Annie was born. We sooooo need our couple time, where we can be with just each other and have uninterrupted conversations. You know, the conversations where all you do is talk about your kids.
The longest I’d been away from Annie until this trip was three days. I’ve always had an easy time leaving my kids in the past. I don’t know if it’s because we had to leave Maddie every day in the NICU, or if it’s just because I know that I (we all) need recharge time.
This time I struggled. I was very busy, but when I had my still moments, my mind went immediately to my girls. I realized I was missing both of my daughters with the same fierceness, with so much intensity that it was hard to inhale.
The hardest part was knowing that getting home wasn’t going to make it all better. There was only one little girl waiting for me at the end of the trip. Only one little girl was going to greet me at the door. And when I saw her, I noticed how she looked taller, and her hair seemed longer, and I couldn’t help but wonder how different my other little girl would have looked.
I don’t know why this time was harder. Seeing Annie, holding her and kissing her, was wonderful. But it also made me miss Maddie even more.
I’m feeling emotionally fragile, but I’m so thankful I have my Annabel to help make me strong again.
Elle says:
Big hugs to you, Heather. I wish I could do something, anything, to have your sweet Madeline back in your arms. You and your family are loved.
Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
Sending you love and hugs.
Leah says:
I’m a recent new reader, I wish there was something good enough to say to help, but don’t want to say nothing just because there isn’t – so will just say this post was very moving and I hope you feel stronger again soon, my heart aches for you.
edenland says:
A few weeks ago, Jenny left a message on a post of BHJ’s, quoting the Robert Frost poem “Stopping by Woods.” I hadn’t thought of that poem in YEARS. It’s so beautiful. You are beautiful mate – I wondered if you named this post with a line from the poem on purpose.
You do have miles to go … I guess we all do, for different reasons. I like to think we are all here, watching out for each other. Love to you, and all of your gorgeous family, over Christmas. XOX
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
I’m so glad you and Mike had some time together. Thinking of you…
Alexandra :) says:
Love and hugs to you, Mike, Annie, Rigby, and to Madeline too wherever she is
Claire says:
Sending you a virtual hug Heather!! I just wanted you to know that even though I don’t know you in person, I think of you and Mike and Maddie (and of course Annie) every day. Seeing you work through your pain is so inspiring and I am thankful for you all every day.
Heather says:
Time away is amazing, congrats on being able to focus on being a couple for a few days.
As for missing Maddie even more, my heart breaks for you.
I hadn’t been away from the girls for more than 1 night since leaving my incredibly abusive ex-husband when my parents asked about taking them on vacation to visit their great grandmother and my father’s whole family on the east coast. I spent the first week terrified they would have some horrible accident or lose the kids somewhere out there. I missed them like I never expected to. My heart ached for them. The second and third week my fiancee and I had a chance to know each other without the kids around and I know it helped our relationship.
That being said… they’re never leaving for 3 weeks again… I have new sense of dread about empty next syndrome.
Elizabeth says:
I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better. Lots of hugs and prayers sent your way.
AmazingGreis says:
Time away, just the two of you, is great…but I know how much you miss your girls while you are gone. Had a great time this weekend!! It was so good seeing you and Mike.
Jenn says:
AAAhhhh Sweetie…..((HUGS)) I get it and I’m not even Maddie’s Mama. Sometimes when I look at a picture of Maddie, I get this really strong urge to see her or send her something. I look at her pictures and she is just so full of life! She is just so beautiful…and my heart breaks into a millon pieces.
I read about that horrible day with tears streaming down my cheeks and I always ask God why Maddie had to go. You and Mike were/are the best parents she could and will EVER have. She was loved so much….so happy and so wanted. But, I guess life can be so cruel and make anything BUT sense at times.
As a mommy myself and as your friend I’m so very sorry you’re hurting. I will always be sad for you and Mike. And when you face days like today when you feel fraigle and weak….I will ALWAYS….ALWAYS be here for you because, once upon a time, a beautiful mommy introduced me to her breath taking baby daughter and suddenly I fell in love with her too and I also miss her so much it hurts….just like her beautiful mommy!
Sending my love, hugs and friendship.
Jenn XOXO
Jen says:
I am with two left feet here. Sort of. And without making this comment about me, I will only suggest that these moments when longing strikes so fierce and leave you near unable to inhale may be a new sort of normal, cruel and unfair as it is. I have no doubt you are talking and walking through these moments with sound sails of support. And while it sounds like you are, let this stranger, who is most sincere and full of good intentions, remind you to have grace with yourself. This journey without Maddie isn’t fair. But you’ve got to keep on paddling for shore. For Mike and Annie. You know that. Tho these under toes are an unfair bitch, your getting stronger and more capable of getting free, clearing the surface, and finding blue skies to breathe. Just keep swimming, sister.
J in eire says:
Every mum out there knows the feeling of missing the kids when your on a trip, and the joy of that home coming, it’s heartbreaking that your two little girls aren’t there to greet you. Through your writing Maddie lives in our hearts and is never forgotton. I miss her for you. Sending love from Ireland xx
Lisa says:
Giant heart healing hugs my sweet friend, and lots and lots of love.
only in Louisiana ~ documenting the adventures of life! says:
So thankful you have Annabel…..I am thinking of you and praying for your pain to ease.
Deborah says:
(((hugs)))
Kim says:
Glad you guys had a good time this weekend. I am sending you love and hugs wishing Maddie could have been there when you returned.
Lora says:
I am glad you and Mike could get away, but sorry to hear it was so hard on you. I imagine it is hard, if not impossible, to predict how you will feel at any given moment. Annabel is such a bright and beautiful girl, but no one expects that to make it all better because your family will always be missing a piece of its heart.
Jen says:
Oh, Heather. I’m so sorry. Hopefully you and Mike had a wonderful time away though; that’s so important.
(((Hugs))) from here.
MyBabyBeluga says:
Thinking of you.
monica says:
wish it didn’t have to be so bittersweet for you. I wonder too what Maddie would look like. I see her and Annie playing, their adorable little faces with curly hair. Sending you hugs =) Glad you had some couple time. A solid marriage is the best gift you can give your kids.
Laber of Love says:
No words, just virtual hugs.
catherine lucas says:
Glad that you can pull yourself up a bit on Annie… Annie was born to help you cope with life without Maddie I am sure…
Glad you had some time with Mike too!
It never gets easier knowing and feeling you lost a child… It’s not the way of the world. Children should all outlive their parents, not the other way around.
Gale @ Ten Dollar Thoughts says:
Not related to today’s post, but I wanted you to know that I thought of you yesterday. We were having a quiet day at home and my son (a year younger than Maddie) was happily watching a few mintues of football on the couch and being super cute and snuggly. I leaned over to give him a hug and kiss and tell him that I love him. And I thought of you and how you can’t say these things to Maddie anymore, so I said it again, just for you.
Hugs to you. Today and every day.
meoskop says:
It’s the holidays, they bring up emotions we think we have under control in unexpected ways. I hope the rest of them go easy on you.
Elizabeth says:
Sending love and comfort your way.
Glenda says:
That’s great that you and Mike got couple time. Sending you hugs and comfort. I’m so happy you have Annie to keep you busy and love unconditionally.
Nikki says:
Big Hugs and love to you!!!!! Wishing there was more that I could do to help take away that longing even just a bit.
XOXO from GA,
Nikki
Juliya says:
I’m also a new reader, I know nothing any of us can say will make it better. But I just want you to know that your posts and pictures always bring me to tears.
Trisha Vargas says:
I am sure it is such a bittersweet battle in your heart! I won’t pretend to know how your feeling, but please know that as a loyal reader, I am with you in spirit everyday and hoping that with time your pain will lessen, even if just a little bit.
((((HUGS)))) from Florida
Camie says:
I wish with all my heart you had both your girls with you to welcome you back. I’m glad you have Annie, so sad that you’re missing Maddie. Sending love and thoughts.
Lynnette says:
Sending lots of hugs and warm thoughts your way.
Jeannine says:
Thinking of you & your beautiful family today and always
I wish I could give you a great big hug.
LisaJ says:
Thinking of you and sending huge hugs.
Rachel says:
Hugs adn Kisses my sweet friend.
I’m so glad you have Annie, too.
Love. that is all
Sarah @ Ordinary Days says:
Oh Heather. I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry that Maddie isn’t able to shine her light in this world anymore. Sending you huge hugs and many prayers of comfort right now.
Lori McBride says:
(((((((hugs))))))
Rebecca says:
Maddie will be waiting for you one of these days. It’ll be a long long time but she’ll be there waiting for you in heaven.
Alison says:
I think of you all often, laughing about the latest SpohrTV, cooing over Annabel’s antics, missing Madeline, and sending you guys so much love. We know Maddie’s bravery came from her strong parents.
xoxo
amourningmom says:
I am so glad that you and Mike were able to get away. I too wish that you had both your girls to welcome you back. Take care.
Meg...CT says:
That stinks…wish there were “do-overs”…and two baby girls were waiting for you at home.
I know I’d take a do-over for my brother and his family who are facing their first Christmas w/o my niece…as you know, it is debilitating…for all of us.
God Bless.
Peace, Love and Happiness…always.
Molly says:
I’m so glad you have your Annie, and oh, how I wish you had Maddie too. You guys–and Maddie–are never far from my thoughts.
Veronika says:
I’m glad you guys got some down time. And I’m sorry there was only one little girl welcoming you back home. {{ hugs }}
Leslie says:
I am in school to become a nurse practitioner, and we had our final class for maternal-child health yesterday and talked about loss of a child. There was much crying involved, and I spent the majority of class thinking about the children I knew who had been lost – Maddie, Henry, Miranda, Reid, and Katelyn. I just wanted you to know that I was very much thinking about you and Mike and Maddie and Annabel yesterday.
Also, my professor said that The Bereaved Parent by
Harriet Sarnoff Schiff was the best book she ever read about the subject. In case you are interested or think anyone else might be.
You guys are in my thoughts this holiday season.