I am really struggling. My mind is 100% elsewhere. I am stressed. My hair is falling out. My stomach hurts all the time. I play with my daughter and I’m thankful she doesn’t know what the dark circles under my eyes mean. When I can, I lay under blankets and I stare at the clock, watching the numbers change, counting to sixty, watching the numbers change.
I carry on my day-to-day and feel like it’s all so stupid. Write and edit and rewrite and delete. Know that someone will disagree, know that someone will jump all over me. I can’t find the energy to care and I don’t know if that’s good or bad. Write, edit, delete. I tell myself things. I lie to myself. What do you do when the story isn’t yours, but it’s all you can think about? You put on the face and you write around it. And you hate yourself for acting like everything’s OK, but you don’t know what else to do.
For the last two years and ten-plus months, I’ve counted away from something. I’ve tried so intensely to stop calculating days and start cataloguing memories. I succeed most days. Other days, weeks like now, I have numbers and predictions and dates swirling in my head and I am completely failing at keeping my head above it all. I don’t want to count toward something. Not this.
I wrote this, and six days later I found out I was going to experience the other side and gah, life is so unfair, can someone else learn that lesson now? We’ve all had enough.
Experience has taught me that I’m in a low point and that things will get better. Although, things aren’t going to get “better,” they’re going to get worse and I know I need to get myself up before the waves pull me completely under and out to sea. But maybe soon I will be able to deal with everything a little better. I’ll put on my fake smile. Eventually it won’t always be fake, and I’ll find a way to put one foot in front of the other, and to carry the ones that need some extra help.
And I will lean on you, and hopefully you will let me.
Mar says:
Heather, I’m so sorry. I . . . your story has always touched my heart and saddened me but it wasn’t until my son hit the same age as Maddy that I really even started to understand what you’ve lost. All I can say is that I’m so so sorry for your loss. I hope that you . . . I just hope for you and Mike and Annie. Hope for the best I guess. Be well.
Amber says:
Oh Heather, does my heart ache for you! Its been a while since I’ve commented, but I couldnt click off the page today without saying something. Granted, my words are pretty much meaningless since I can pretend to have an ounce of an idea of what you’re going thru but we both know I dont. It sucks-plain and simple but there are those moments of pure sunshine, full of happiness and bliss…hold onto those for as long as you can and know that in the dark times you have all of us cheering you on and wishing for you to have more of the good days.
Sarah G says:
Much love to you Heather. It must be so difficult living this journey publicly. Everyone having an opinion about what you say. If it makes one small bit of difference, I think you’re an inspiration. That you manage to live all this, and yet also still give so much to us through your writing, is amazing. Thank you XOXO
RzDrms says:
Oh, Heather, I’m SO sorry. I’ll be praying every day for JACKIE!, and for you and her family and everyone else who loves her. I’m SO so sorry. She knows she’s loved. I pray these days are filled with as much light and joy and love as they possibly can be. And as pain free too. Warm hugs to her, and to you. Please thank her from me for her inspiring story through you. I’ll try to improve myself more now, because of her and her story. I really, really will. . .
tracy says:
Thinking of you and Jackie and sending many prayers for her.
mccgoods says:
Just sending you a hug I don’t know what else to say. Just know that when I speak of this blog I speak with great admiration of your family!
Shan says:
I too have no words…just a big old virtual hug.
Jenni says:
You will always have my support and prayers with absolutely no judgement. I look forward to checking your blog every morning for either a smile or food for thought.
edenland says:
Oh sweet lady. Just know, there’s some people in the world you never have to fake-smile in front of.
Wish I could hang with you and Annie for a few days. Doing nothing at all, just moochin’ around. Watching her try on clothes. I’d make you some weirdo concoction with hash and biscuits, and spray cheeze in a can STRAIGHT into my mouth. Just to make you laugh.
One day we will all be free. FACT.
xxxxx
Kim Rogers says:
Heather,
You don’t know me at all, but I wanted to send my thoughts and prayers to you and your beautiful family.
Joy says:
Heather I am so sorry your in this sad season….thinking of you.
Sending a prayer for peace.
Joy
Editdebs says:
Sending you as much love as this internet will hold.
Amy says:
Too much pain for one person to endure, that’s for sure. Hugs and prayers from my family to yours.
TonyaM says:
Prayers, peace, and love to you……
katie says:
I am thinking of your sweet family today.
Tia says:
Life just really sucks sometimes. I went to a funeral for my cousins 10 year old son yesterday. Something I could have gone my entire life without doing.
Sending super power awesome thoughts your way my dear.
Andrea says:
Heather, It has been 6 years since I held my babies in my arms for the last time and there are still days when I put on “the face” to make it through the day. I realize there is nothing I can say that will make it all better for you, but I will say that your public way of exposing the good and the bad is very brave and often comforting to me. You and your family are in my thoughts often.
Nikki says:
(((((((((HUGS)))))))))
Melissa says:
Many thoughts and prayers headed your way, Heather.
Heidi Herbst says:
I’m not a frequent commenter, but am an every day reader. I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time. I look forward to everything you write good, bad, or ugly. I hope your days get better.
Ninabi says:
I have a friend, a lovely lady with a beautiful smile and a warm way with children and whose daughters and grandchildren are the light of her life.
One day she told me about the accident. I hadn’t known her for that long, thought she only had daughters.
She lost her husband and son in a crash. She had never talked about it before and I told her how very sorry I was.
I learned from this dear lady- and you, Heather- that there are people who hold sorrow in their hearts every day, people who never in a million years deserved to have such tragedy hurled at them.
I just want to tell you that I am sorry you lost someone so dear to you, so precious. And that if I hope that you do feel better soon, that doesn’t mean that I am wanting you to forget your loss. Hugs to you, dear.
J+1 says:
You and yours are in my prayers. I figure even the prayers of a stranger on the internet can’t hurt, hm?
Vicki says:
I’m so sorry.
Meghan says:
Thinking of you today
Lisa_in_WI says:
“We’ve all had enough.”
I know exactly what you mean. I felt the same way when my mother, grandfather and uncle all died within a 10 month period. I am very sorry for what your friend is going through, and I empathize with how you feel watching her go through it. I’m praying for both her and you.
Megan says:
I know that I just don’t have words to help but I’m sending hugs and prayers to you today.
christine says:
sending you brave, strong thoughts and hoping that some small seed of peace will find its way into your heart. sometimes when i’m reading your words, the hurt just takes my breath away. prayers comin’ your way from rainy iowa. much love.
Sheila says:
Heather – hugs that’s all I can think of to say.
Molly says:
No need to put on “the face” here, on your own blog. Let this be a place where you can feel supported in however sad you feel, because you are.
A therapist once told me during a traumatic time to “make time to worry.” I spent so much time “trying not to think about it,” (like in Mike’s last post), but in order to do that, I also had to make time where I would allow myself to focus on my pain. Take a bath, look at pictures, take a walk and cry. It wasn’t easy. The pain was frightening. But I like the idea. The grief deserves time in your schedule, or else in a way, it takes up all the time.
I’d also want to encourage you and Mike to consider attending a grief support group for parents. This grief doesn’t go away, and sometimes the in-person community can be a way to make that time for *not* “trying not to think about it.”
Jenny says:
Hugs, love, and prayers!!
Staci says:
I just adore you. Sending you love.
Terra says:
Much love to you, Mike, Annie, Rigby, and Jackie! today.
Katie says:
Heather, you have been dealt more “manure” than any one person should ever have to endure. I’ve been reading you since that horrible day in April 3 years ago and I often wonder why. Why do I force myself to face, through your story, all of my greatest fears? I don’t know the answer, really, but somehow I think watching you survive everything you’ve been through from a distance reaffirms my belief in the resilience of the human spirit. There is so much pain and heartache and sorrow in the world. And you live it all, and then still manage to find joy and laughs in visits to the Lincoln Memorial (my favorite post ever) and Annie’s curls. The fact that you get through every day motivates me to overcome my own mundane sorrows, and I thank you for it. I am sorry you are having to deal with this latest shit storm and wish with everything I have that I could change what is happening and what has happened to you and those you love. Hugs from a fan.
Skye says:
Katie, I love what you said about resilience and I feel the same way. Heather, I am so sorry that you have to deal with mean people because you have a large blog audience. I think you are very well-spoken and you and Mike both do a great job of reasonably presenting what YOU believe in, and not judging others. I thank you for being brave enough to continue sharing your story. I am so, so sorry for what you and Jackie! and her family are going through. I think of you and Jackie! every single day and just hope that you can experience as much love and peace as possible in the situation.
Sonya aka Glam-O-Mommy says:
Heather, I read your blog every day and comment occasionally, but I just want you to know that I care about you and your family. No one should have to endure the losses that you have over the last few years. It sounds like you are facing another and for that, I’m so sorry. I think you are very brave to get up and face each day, to share your sorrow so openly with the world, and to still find moments of joy and light in many of your days. You, Mike, Maddie, Annie, and Rigsby are a special family. Lean away as needed-I’ll be here reading and praying for the best for you all. *Hugs*
Brooke says:
Maddie’s life mattered to me and I just want you to know that. *Hugs*
Mommy says:
Love to you, today and every day. I wish I could take your heartbreak away.
Emily says:
Heather, I felt compelled to comment even though I have no idea what to say … You (and those around you) will be in my thoughts and prayers.
statia says:
Mental illness is a bitch. I hope you’re getting enough help for yourself too. I just got finished with a day program and the coping skills are really helping me. I hope you feel better soon.
anita says:
Grieving is not the same thing as mental illness.
Lisa says:
Oh, Heather, I wish words could heal you, I wish good thoughts and vibes sent your way could mend your heart just a little. Sending you so much love and so many hugs.
Lanie says:
Please lean away – wish that I could do something. Sending prayers, good thoughts, peace and hugs. Take care.
Melli says:
Always thinking of you guys.
LisaJ says:
Heather,
I’m just another stranger on the internet, a girl who found you and your story during my last few days at home with my daughter, who is a month older than Annie. At the time, I was having a very challenging time working through my maternity leave coming to an end. It was a dark and sad time for me. I was living through each day, not really experiencing it, and spending every second anticipating what was to come. So I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through, and I won’t insult you by pretending that I can even come close to getting it.
What I will tell you is that reading your blog changed me. it changed the way I look at things, it changed the way I relate to my children, and it made me see that I could be a better mom to my teens and my toddler. I mean I think I was a pretty good mom as it was, but I am definitely a better one now. I am a different person, in part, because of you and your family. I take more pictures, I don’t worry as much about little things, and I live each day as much as I can, even when it’s tough. And yeah, I have my days, because we all do. But I have far less of them.
I know this isn’t really coping advice. I just wanted you to know what a difference you have made in my life, and, I am quite sure, in all of those who are privileged and lucky and blessed enough to know you “for reals”.
Hang in there, Heather. We are all here listening and holding your hand in our hearts. Sending prayers and thoughts for you and yours.
Pattie says:
Thinking of you and your family, Heather. Sending love and peace your way, as well as to Jackie!
Alison says:
My internal monologue recently has been EFF THIS. Cancer, loss, hardship that seems so lopsided and so hugely unfair, all of it. Continue to lean on us. Love you always.
xoxo
Cathy K. says:
Love, hugs and prayers coming your way.
Gamanda says:
Hoping that if you aren’t comfortable letting your real face show here that you find somewhere you don’t have to worry about it. You have so many of us that care for you and everyone involved with you that we’ll always be here for support.
Give yourself some time to feel this and cry. I hope that being able to deal with some of it as it comes makes the end a bit more bearable, but nothing will make it easy.
Tammy M. says:
Heather,
You have made both Maddie’s and Jackie’s lives matter to a lot of us out here. You’re all in my prayers and my feet are planted firmly on your side – ready for your lean.
Hugs!
Heather Ann says:
I don’t have anything wise to say. My heart aches for all of you and I am here, as someone to lean on. Much love.
Glenda says:
Heather… Lean away! My heart aches for you! Maddie’s life mattered and Jackie’s life matters! I’ve been following her since you first wrote about her. I pray for her every day… peace & strength!
Every day I say FUCancer! I lost my mom in 2004. I miss her every.single.day!
xo
Nicole says:
No words of wisdom, just an acknowledgment that what you write really matters and that you matter. I’m sorry for your pain.
Laura says:
Love the way you phrased that, Nicole. That’s me too…nothing wise to add, but just wanted to let you know that I am listening (reading), and wishing that you didn’t have to go through this.
Tami says:
Im sorry Heather. I know this is a hard time for you. I understand the pain of losing a loved one. I lost my dad at such a young age, even though its been 24 years the pain never goes away. I know its allot harder losing a child and my heart goes out to all of you. I think of Maddie everytime I read your post and see the cute adorable pictures of Annie. Life is soooo unfair and your little Maddie was taken away, way to young. You can lean on me anytime. I may not know you , but Im here for you any time . Sending big ((((Hugs your way)))!!
Angela says:
I’m sorry that you’re having a tough time. That you’ve been knocked down to your knees after taking so many brutal blows already.
Looking at the previous comments, you are surrounded by a lot of love and support. And there is much more from the people who haven’t commented, but have read your words and are thinking of you.
When you’re ready to find one way to put one foot in front of the other, we’ll be by your side.
Kristin says:
I saw this on another blog I read and I immediately thought of you (though it was meant in a different context, I wanted to share with you.) :
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, in her book “On Grief and Grieving,” said, “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal, and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.
Virtual hug to someone I’ve never met, may never, but I’m thinking about you and your family often.
Anne DiNapoli says:
I am so sorry for your heartbreak. Just want you to know that you’re all always in my thoughts and prayers, even when they weeks go by when I don’t comment. Your story and strength have touched so many lives and your character continues to inspire me. Much love to you and your family.
JenC says:
I don’t comment as much as I used to, but I am always reading and thinking of all of you. I’m sorry you’re in a rough spot and I hope you are beginning to come up for air. Heartbreak sucks.
Jen says:
I am so, so sorry. Hugs to you, your family and friends.
Becca says:
NO! this isn’t fair. this is NOT fair.
I can’t believe this is happening again – My heart aches for Jackie!. My heart aches for you.
I have nothing to say other than a heaping pile of explicitives.. just know that while you allow other to lean on you, you have all of us here to lean on yourself.
Much love.
Jessica says:
I am so so sorry you are in the depths of such grief Heather. I know how hard it is to keep your head above water each day and not sink into the depths of sadness that you have fought so hard to stay above after losing a child. I wish there were something I could say to ease your days right now but one foot in front of the other is just about it. You are in my thoughts. I hope that it is just a bit easier to get up tomorrow than it was today.
Bridget says:
I cannot imagine the toll this takes on you and the layers of grief you’ve experienced. I cannot imagine having the knowledge that my life is going to end soon. I cannot imagine the heart wrenching pain you are both facing in your different roles. It’s too much to comprehend.
My prayer for you and Jackie: May peace from a power much larger than our anguished, secular lives here on earth can know be bestowed upon you, Jackie and your loved ones. May you be able to celebrate the friendship you’ve been blessed to forge and find a way, through the grief, to seal it with love in its final earthly days. May you always remember the love you brought into each other’s life.
My deepest sympathies and most heartfelt condolences on the loss you are enduring.
Abigail says:
Thinking of you and sending you much love. ::hugs::
Lisa Niemann says:
So I’ve been following your blog for awhile…. I’ve been meaning to write you and compliment you on your fun posts, your adorable daughter, and well written blog…..but I have a two year old myself…. Another adorable one. And well….
But then today…. Is Jackie dying? I hope not but if so, I am so sorry. The loss you have already suffered is…staggering…and to have to deal with another punch so soon. Life can be so incredibly effed up. And the worst is trying to hold oneself together in front of our children, when we really want to be children ourselves.
Feel free to lean…
Kate says:
I’m sad that you’re sad Heather. I send you love and strength. We all read because we care and I think I speak for all of us when I say we’re here whenever you need to rant or even just remember. Lean on us, you don’t have to be strong and put on a brave face all the time.
Kay says:
We all love you and your family- you’ve become part of ours. Your story is incredible and horrible all at once, but there are so many people who will gladly lend you a shoulder to lean on whenever you need. I could never even begin to understand the pain your family has gone through in these last three years, but please know that you, Mike, Maddie and Annie are always on the minds of so many people who love and care about you. Maddie’s life has made such an impact on this world, and no amount of time will ever undo all the love she has generated from everyone.
Based on all the previous comments, I’m guessing something happened with Jackie!, so I wish her and her family the best as well.
Meyli says:
You can always lean on us, and you never have to put on the face. Do that if you want to, if it helps you through the day – but not because you think its necessary for the world around you.
I won’t make assumptions to whats going on in your life, but I hope comfort can be found in the people you love, and all the people who love YOU.
– another internet stranger
Catherine says:
Be well,hug Annie and Mike. So many care.
Julia says:
Lean on me, when you’re not strong,
And I’ll be your friend,
I’ll help you carry on
For it won’t be long
Till I’m going to need
Somebody to lean on.
There a lot of people out here who care for you. Sending you lots of loving wishes for a better tomorrow xx-xx
Sheridan says:
I truly have no words, but wanted you to know that my thoughts are with you in this lean time.
Issa says:
Lots of love and hugs to you honey. I hope things get easier very soon.
Mandy says:
I am so sorry you are hurting. I know you never wanted to be the teacher you have become, but I have learned so much from you.
Jeanie says:
Prayers and hugs, Heather. You have a lot of people who love you and care about you. I wish there was something I could do to ease your burden. Know that you are in my prayers.
Cara says:
Thinking of you Heather. Sending you lots of leaning room from North Carolina.
Stefanie says:
It’s so hard to read that you are so sad but we do want to know and we are all honored when you share it. I know that sounded corny but, holy hell, you are trying to walk around with 1000 lbs on your shoulders. You should be commended for even getting out of bed every day.
You know I’m right down the 101 whenever you need me.
Jenn says:
Lean away my friend… LEAN AWAY!!!
Sending you Friendship, Love & Support!!
xoxo
Leah says:
So sorry about Jackie. It must make things extra hard.
I think of you as a teacher, and your master class is called How to Survive the Worst with Grace. There are many of us sitting at your feet, and we’d all love to plop down beside you for a while and be a shoulder to lean on.
Jennifer Saunders says:
Praying for not only Jackie! but for you. Cancer is one of the ugliest words ever created. I am so so so glad Jackie! has had you as a friend. She and you are both blessed. (((((Hugs)))))) I hope that at some point you find comfort from all of this pain. You are one strong woman Mrs. Spohr. Thinking of you.
Gwen says:
Just wanted to know that you guys are in my thoughts, always. Even though we don’t know each other Hugs to the Spohrs.
Kelly says:
I wish I could hug you. And if I could,I wish that could make something better.
Don’t worry about editing. Your heart is your heart. Many of us…love your heart.
Marta says:
Always. Lean away.
Leslie says:
I’m sorry it hurts…=(
Kristin says:
Oh Heather, I don’t know you well but I know that you are good people. You are loved by people I adore and respect. So, by default, you’ve got my love too. I’m so sorry you are hurting so badly right now and I pray that it gets easier to bear.
Paula says:
Dear Heather and Mike
Can I take moment to explain how you have impacted on my life? I’ve never commented before but I really need to.
You see, I knew about Maddie. Struggling with my infertility battle, I read many blogs. The day those blogs turned purple I made the decision that in my own personal grief, I could not share yours. I stayed away and worked on coming to an acceptance that after two miscarriages and two failed IVF treatments, my journey to motherhood had ended.
Then, my miracle happened, and my Grace was born just a few days before your Annie. I was so thrilled that you both had another daughter to love even in the midst of your awful grief. I clicked over a few times to see how Annie was doing, but I always felt as though I was dishonoring Maddie by trying not to read about her.
Late last year, I felt calm and safe finally, and strong enough, and my resolution was to “know” Maddie. Over the past months I have read every post, watched every video, laughed with you, and cried despairing sad tears with you.
Your Maddie, and your honesty about her life and the impact of her passing, have made a huge impression on me. I can honestly say I am a better mother, not just because of my own grief, but because of yours. Grace and I watch the Annie and Rigby videos and I tell her about Maddie, and about how close Annie is in age to my Grace, and you have become a part of our lives in a strange way.
I have no wise words, just the love and sadness of another mother to share with you. Our little ones are so precious and I wish you could have Maddie back. I do.
Love to you all from New Zealand and if you could post a video of Annie enjoying having her hair combed and played with, I’d appreciate it greatly for my curly haired comb hating toddler to watch!
Paula
merlotmom says:
xoxoxo
Meg says:
Every day reader, not a frequent commenter, but always here listening and with a shoulder to lean on.
Kayla says:
Ah, Heather. Dear, beautiful, sweet Heather – I am so, so terribly sorry my friend. More than words could possibly begin to express.
My ears are always open and my shoulder always available; lean away.
“The stars are not wanted now, put out every one. Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun. Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood, for nothing now can ever come to any good.”
(Some may view this quote as disheartening and not uplifting, but I don’t believe every quote needs to be cheerful and vibrant. I believe there is a beauty in sadness, and in acknowledging our pain and grief. In giving life to it.)
Liz says:
I’m so sorry. I don’t comment as often as I’d like but I love your writing and read your blog religiously. Here for the leaning, if you need it.
CAM says:
I haven’t commented since the days when you lost your precious Maddie but I do read every day. Given that you tagged Jackie! in this post and knowing of her illness, I’m assuming that you’ve received bad news and for this I am very sorry.
Getting the chance to say goodbye to her won’t make it any easier. As you said in your casserole post – whether it’s an expected loss and you get to say goodbye, or an unexpected loss and you don’t have time to prepare or say goodbye; either way it sucks.
Trisha says:
Lots of love and hugs and yes, you can lean on us!!
Leah says:
I am sorry you are struggling right now. Praying for you.
Leigh Elliott says:
Listening and here for you. {{HUGS}}
suzanne says:
I have not commented for a while, although I am a regular reader. I’ve made certain inferences from how this post is tagged, and I just wanted to say … I’m not sure what. She truly seems like the most beautiful and outstanding person. This is just the worst, and I’ll be thinking of her and her family, and including them and you in my prayers. I hope that our well wishes are helping to hold you up.
BakingSuit says:
Lean away sweetie, lean away. Let us be strong and prop you up. You don’t know all of us, but we’re here for you.
AmazingGreis says:
You may LEAN on me anytime. I am always and will always be here for you ALWAYS! I love you!
D. says:
I don’t know you, but you matter to me.
You’re in my thoughts, as is everyone whom you love.