Inertia: the resistance of any physical object to a change in its state of motion or rest.
I am at rest and I am heavily resisting any sort of change. I’m basically that episode of Friends where Joey and Chandler never leave their armchairs.
It’s probably a good thing because if I left the house, I’d just go to the mall and spend money I don’t have. Don’t talk to me about online shopping! I have an allergic reaction to paying for shipping, especially when it’s a store I could go to in person.
My mom, St. Gramma, came to my house yesterday and took over. She sat next to me and rubbed my back and forced me to nap. She let me be depressed, wiped my tears, played with my Annabel and allowed me to turn off my mind. I needed that. And then when I woke up she told me to get in the damn shower because I smelled awful. I needed that, too.
So now I’m clean, and after an hour of careful brushing and a gallon of detangler, my hair no longer has dreadlocks. I might have put pajamas back on, but at least they were a different pair. Progress!
When Mike came home, my mom told us to go out to dinner, just the two of us. The idea of food intrigued me, and the thought of a meal with my husband without saying, “Annie don’t pull up your shirt. Annie our hands don’t go in our pants” was enticing. But staying in my pajamas was also appealing. I was at rest. There was no moving me. I told my mom and Mike to blame Sir Isaac Newton. That didn’t really fly, and soon I left the house for the first time in four days.
And it was nice.
I might even leave it again tomorrow, Sir Isaac Newton be damned.
tiff says:
I did alot of sitting.
I still do sometimes.
I think not moving somedays is just good for the broken soul.
Then again, sometimes being forced out into the world is just what the broken soul needs too.
Hugs
Marti from Michigan says:
I couldn’t agree more with you Tiff! Very well said.
I love to look in puddles. When I smile, they smile. When I laugh, they laugh. And when I cry, they don’t mind getting wet! Author unknown.
Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
Hooray for St Gramma! She is clearly a very wise woman. I add my hugs to hers and tiff’s.
Fiona says:
Good for you for getting out. Sometimes we all need our mother. Huggies for you.
Fiona x
Veronika says:
{{ hugs }}
erika says:
been thinking about you- and hoping your spirits are lifted. today was a hard day for me, as well. grief comes in waves, and today i felt like i might get dragged back out to sea. sending you lots and lots of hugs.
xoxo,
erika
Elle says:
So glad you went out. It can be so hard to leave but once your out it’s like “why didn’t I do this sooner”.
Jenn says:
The 1st step out is often the harest but YOU did it!! I’m proud of you. I’m happy your mom came over. It’s so nice you have support…..it will help you over this terrible “speed bump”. I’m also so happy you are still blogging and getting your feelings out. You are so brave!
Love & HUGS to you!!!
Jenn xoxo
Heather says:
Good job, Heather! Baby steps. At least you didn’t have to tell Mike “Our hands don’t go in our pants!”.
hat says:
I’m so sorry your feeling so shitty Heather.
You are all so lucky to have each other.
Meg...CT says:
Hoping your heart finds peace soon.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Where would we be without our Moms? I’m so glad your mom stopped by and gave you some much welcome relief.
Heather says:
A year after I lost my Olivia, my ex-SiL called to complain about her pregnancy and impending sleepless nights that go with newborns.
I don’t think I left my bed longer than it took to use the washroom for the better part of a week. I’m confident I didn’t shower during that time. I’m equally confident I wore maternity pjs and drank about 20 litres of diet pepsi in that time and I know I didn’t eat.
You can’t get up and get moving until the falling stops. You have to hit bottom somewhere, it’s just good you have a safety net to catch you for those days when you’re plumeting back towards the ground.
Glad to hear you got up and made some headway, depression’s a real bastard.
Sue says:
Your Mom is an angel!
BecZhang says:
Depressions sucks. So glad you were able to get out.
AmazingGreis says:
(((hugs)))
Glad you were able to get out, yaye for St. Gramma! Hoping you start to feeling semi-better soon.
Thinking about you lots!
XOXO
Alexandra :) says:
Nice to see you’re doing better, Heather. I know you can’t be all the way better, but hopefully you’ll be able to enjoy life a little bit more now.
Angie says:
Glad it turned out to be a better day for you. I’m laughing about the shipping, because I’m glad I’m not the only one who hates paying shipping. The only time I order online is if I find some free shipping coupon. Of course, it takes me far more than $7 of my time to find those coupons, but oh well!
Lisa says:
Good for you, one tiny step at a time.
Tammy says:
Wow, I need a St. Gramma. EVERYONE needs a St. Gramma. I think about you and your wonderful little girls often.
Kelly says:
Sometimes we all just need our mommies. Glad to here St. Gramma was able to come over and give you some help, and a little push to the shower.
Tami says:
You are so blessed to have a good mommy and hubby to take care of you.
I do allot of setting as well. We all need some to help pull us up. Im glad you had a great day out. Thinking of you.
Lisa says:
St. Gramma is quite possibly the most amazing person in the world, and very smart too. I’m glad she was there for you yesterday so you could be at rest and gather yourself up a little bit.
Love and hugs mama.
Lora says:
I’m glad St. Gramma was there for you, and also glad she gave you a few days before trying to get you moving. She sounds like an amazing mom, now we all know where you get it from!
Barnmaven says:
Sometimes it takes our mom to know what we need and be the one person who can provide it.
Depression can be crippling; I’m so glad you have a support system. Even so, just want you to know I worry about you and you are in my prayers.
Jenny says:
I’m glad your mom was there for you to give you both the comfort and the tough love. Sometimes we need both. Best wishes on making it out of the house again today. Momentum is good!
Dianne says:
Glad to hear things are a little better. Thank goodness for Mamas! You’re in my prayers, Heather.
Katie in WI says:
Your Mom sounds wonderful. Just exactly what you need right now. Wishing you a good day today.
Lori McBride says:
One day at a time, one minute at a time, one second at a time if you have to. There is no prescription for dealing with loss and grief…but you know for certain that those who love you will always be there to lift you up, if you start to seem like you’re drowning. Sending hugs your way!!!
Suzanne says:
Thank god for mom, eh? Climbing out of that dark place is a process. I found that it helps a lot — an awful lot — to have the unconditional support of good, loving people. I am so glad you have those people, and I am so sorry that someone put you in that place to begin with. I’ll be thinking of you and sending healthy thoughts your way.
Kim says:
Hugs to you today hopefully today will be a little brighter for you. I agree with a previous person depression is a bastard!!!
Love ya!
Melissa says:
Yay for St. Gramma! And yay for you for getting up and out, on those bad days I imagine its all you can do just to breathe. Baby steps on the bad days.
Susan says:
heather,
glad to hear you were able to get some rest and a SHOWER (!). your mom is amazing. i can say, i don’t think my mother would have ever done that for me…at least not with that kind of love and care. just doesn’t have it in her. depression is a tricky thing….as you know. it’s hard to outsmart while you are in the thick of it….luckily for you, you have people around you to help outsmart the bastard! and you are smart enough to let them help. good girl!!
keep on keeping on!
susan
Elizabeth says:
Hugs for you all around!
Deborah says:
I’m so glad you made it out of the house and got some alone time with Mike. Your mom is totally awesome, but you already knew that! I hope that peace finds you today.
(((hugs)))
Tina Anderson says:
So sorry. You may need day care and a couple of days of work outside the home each week. Think about it. When I had a traumatic time it helped to completely leave the environment and be somewhere that my ” situation” was unknown.
Sarah says:
Arn’t mom’s nice! The give us just what we need and make us do it even if we don’t really want to.
Hoping today is a wee bit easier than the day before.
(((Hugs)))
Nicole says:
I have days like that and my only excuse is lazyness. Sending lost of hugs and prayers your way momma.
Anna Marie says:
“…blame Sir Isaac Newton.” Well played, Heather. Well played.
Hugs.
Kristin says:
St. Gramma ROCKS! I’m glad you had her around.
Erin says:
I’ve been reading your blog for well over a year. And I just want to say how brave i think you are. I know posts like this will be difficult to read in the future, knowing that you will remember and feel the pain you are in right now. But, to show the world that people go through hard times, and that grief can wallop a person without warning, is so very courageous. As a faithful reader, please know that we are here to bear witness, to hear you, and to support you…and to send you as much hope and positive vibes as possible. May the sun shine again for you soon.
Kristi says:
I totally agree with Erin. Your willingness to share your grief and to be “real” with the world is something courageous and amazing. In fact, I would say such transparency is a rarity.
Your beautiful spirit inspires me to appreciate every piece of joy I have in my life and to not take it for granted. You are a gift to me even though I’ve never met you. My life is better because of you and because of your family.
I’m jumping on Erin’s bandwagon and sending you as much hope and positive vibes as possible. I’ll say my prayers for you.
I’m glad you have such an amazing mom and husband to carry you through the storm.
Ashley says:
Glad you’ve got your mom there to help out and kick you guys out for an evening together!
Camie says:
I’m glad you were able to take those tiny first steps and start digging yourself out. Inertia makes stuff so damn hard. Sir Isaac Newton’s a bitch. xD
Gale @ Ten Dollar Thoughts says:
Heather – You’re doing everything you’re supposed to do. You’re letting yourself feel the pain. You’re letting yourself spend days in your pajamas. And you’re also accepting help by letting your mother help with Annie and by heeding her advice to “get in the damn shower.”
Where you are right now reminds me of that scene in Sleepless in Seattle, where Tom Hanks describes going through the motions of every day life and hoping that one day he’ll wake up and be able to go through those motions without it hurting so much.
I know you fear the day that the pain isn’t so sharp because you don’t want to be that far from Maddie. But you never will be. Even on your best days, when you are happy and rested and showered, and out in the world – even then you will never be that far from her. The magnitude of your love for her doesn’t permit it.
I’m glad you went out to dinner. And I’m glad you enjoyed it. Rest today with your PJs and your emergency peanut butter, and then maybe soon you’ll be ready to go out again.
We all love you.
JAYNE says:
one breathe at a time pretty girl.
JenC says:
Hooray for St. Gramma. I was wondering how you were doing, I had a feeling things have been rough the past few days. Wishing you some peace.
Trisha Vargas says:
One day at a time.
(((HUGS))) from Florida
Kristi F says:
Once again proof that “mother does know best.” Good luck on going out again and again and again.
Caroline says:
I’m so proud of you, I know first hand how awful depression is. Wishing you so many better days in the future, hang in there.
Lisa_in_WI says:
Glad you got out of the house. Sometimes that’s all I need to jumpstart a better mood. I hope it does the same for you.
Cathryn says:
Hugs from Colorado! I love your blog & your honesty, keep writing your feelings!
Kristin says:
Good for you. Good for your awesome mom! I love your honesty too!
Marisol says:
I feel for you, I really do. I have been through what you are describing so many times and it’s terrible. Although the root of our depressions were different, I just want to let you know that i know it’s hard. I don’t have much advice but I can tell you that I know it just sucks and that it can and will get better!
I hope you see sunshine soon again!
Karen says:
I must remember to redirect some of my prayers for you guys to Saints Gramma (and Bampa) Like you for your girls, at the roughest times some moms seem to know just what we need and just how to make sure we get it like fostering your need to mourn and knowing the perfect touch to help you back to your feet again.
Lots of love to you, and hugs { }
I am glad you and Mike got out together last night.
Molly says:
We all care so much about you through the vast crazy internets. You will get through this.
Tara. says:
I’m so glad your Mom came over to give you some relief. What a blessing to have her close and to do those things for you. I hope you and Mike had a great time and I hope you’re out about today having some fun with Annie. You could always go to the playground and pretend it’s sand on an island and let her wear her hula get up. That will surely lift your spirits.
Mary @ Holy Mackerel says:
Wish I was closer to you. I’d come over and do whatever it takes so that you can just heal.
Lots of hugs coming your way from Ottawa.
Gamanda says:
Progress is progress! Good for you. I’m so glad you have such amazing family and support all around you. You stay in pjs as long as you want!
Courtney says:
Maybe being an awesome mother is at least partly hereditary…..it’s clear that you and St Gramma are cut from the same mold. She sounds like a wonderful mom, just as you are to your sweet Maddie and Annie. I hope that each day is a little easier and a little sunnier, and that all the love in your life helps lift you up that extra bit you need right now.
Laney says:
Yes. This. Exactly what I was going to say.
Your family is amazing. I’m so glad that in your darker moments, you are surrounded by so much love and support. People who know what you need and how you need it.
Lynn says:
I really appreciate your writing about depression. Maybe this sounds odd? But I truly appreciate it.
Alison says:
Remember the Friends episode where the guys didn’t want to leave the apartment (or turn off the TV) because they found free porn?
Just trying to make you smile.
Many hugs for you. Like others have stated, I wish that I were closer. I’d love to come over, do dishes, whatever you need. I am glad that your family is so awesome (you obviously get your awesomeness from them).
Michelle W says:
I adore your family and I am so glad you are all there for each other.
Poppy says:
Me too
Your mom sounds like a sweetheart. I no longer wonder where you got that from, your family sounds awesome.
Issa says:
St. Gramma rocks.
Baby steps honey. You’re doing it and that is all that matters.
Glenda says:
thank goodness for mothers. st. gramma rocks!!! so glad you and mike went out for dinner…. just the 2 of you! baby steps… XO
Rebecca says:
So did you stay in your jammies?
Melina says:
Very glad you had someone to “pull you up” so to speak. I’m sorry you were in the hole to begin with…:(
(on a sidenote, I HATE paying for shipping. Drives me batty)
Jen L. says:
St. Gramma is good people. I’m glad you have her to take care of you when you need it. Sending bunches of love and smiles your way.
Leah says:
Nice work. Thank you for sharing your process, your progress.
Amy Collen says:
Hugs Heather!!!
catherine says:
Bless your St. Gramma for being there. That is what Moms are for, and you are a special Mom too, for always.
Be well, be strong. Get through those hard days, and may they be eventually easier to deal with.
QueenFrigid says:
Heather,
Your mom is truly a blessing. What a wonderful mom you have!
My mom would have not let me cry or be sad. Just today she told me I was a disappointment because I suffer from anxiety and refuse to go see a client. Lovely, isn’t she?
Anyway…I am glad you have someone who understands you, loves you, cares, and is there for you.
Your life is not easy, but having someone like your mom by your side might make it less hurtful.
Rachel says:
I don’t know why you tagged this as “things better left unsaid”. Because it’s really good that you said it. Maybe other people are going through the same kind of depression (I’m raising my hand) and are grateful to know that they aren’t the only ones who didn’t shower from Saturday to Wednesday. OMG that is so gross I can’t believe I even typed that.
Sending you love and light.
Jen says:
Progress indeed! You’re faking it till you make it beautifully!! Just keep going forward and know we’re all behind you if you need to turn around for some hugs. ((Heather))
amanda says:
I did love that episode of Friends…
Love to you – glad you got out.
xo
Lisa from WV says:
Hugs, thoughts, prayers from across the US.
Lisa
Carrie says:
Your mom sounds like a wonderful mom!!! Even at our age, we still need our moms!
Thinking of you,
Carrie
suzy says:
i must send a huge hug to you and your wonderful mom St. Gramma. it brings tears to my eyes knowing that having your mom there to rub your back and tell you what to do while taking care of your precious baby is about the only thing that can help a smidge against depression. your mom truly is st. gramma. and st.mom. you will be the same for annie some day although hopefully not for the same reasons.
eva says:
Lots of love for you today, so thanklful for all the moms in this world
Iowamom says:
So glad your mom was with you today. Hugs to you!
Mary says:
Great moms are just so awesome. They always know just what to do. Mike’s not so bad, either.
I think a trip to Anthropologie just might help…
Amanda says:
Glad you made it out.. hoping for more better days in your future.. hugs to all of you
Amy S. says:
Yay for Mom and St. Gramma! I know you have the support and love from all us but it’s fantastic that they can literally stop by and help you out when needed! Hang in there Heather, we’re all routing for you!
Cassie says:
Good thing for St. Gramma. Although I can’t say I know exactly how you feel, I do understand the moments in life that get you so down that you start growing dreadlocks.
Hang in there momma, we are all pulling for you.
-www.babymakestwo.org
Rachael says:
Aren’t moms great? Yours sounds super. I know things are hard right now, but I don’t have magic advice or anything. I WILL however offer virtual hugs because that is what I have.
Jason says:
that is a great mom, you are truly blessed.
Angela says:
Your mom sounds like a wonderful person!
anymommy says:
I’m glad that the wonderful people in your life let you take the time to grieve because it’s so necessary. But, I’m equally glad they are there to say, shower, go out, etc., when you’re ready.
So many mental hugs have gone from me to you, Heather, I hope you feel them when you read your comments here.
Sarah says:
Your mom is a saint. She sounds absolutely wonderful.
Glad you were able to have some time with Mike, and for yourself.