Annabel has been full of questions since James was born. Most are typical:
“Why is he crying?” He’s hungry.
“He’s eating again?” He eats a lot.
“Can I hold him?” (I hear that one five thousand times a day.)
Then there’s the line of questioning that freaks Mike out:
“How did you make him?” With love.
“Was I there?” Noooooo.
“Can I make a baby, too?” Not for thirty more years.
There are questions that, in hindsight, I should have seen barreling towards me. As we prepped Annabel for becoming a big sister, I didn’t even consider the questions she might have about her own.
“Did Maddie have a special dress at the hospital when I was born?”
“What did Maddie say when she met me?”
“Did Maddie love to hold me, too?”
Her questions are innocent and natural, but they are almost too much for my postpartum emotions. The questions come every night, always at bed time, and after Annabel is tucked in I find myself standing in front of Madeline’s urn, crying about what should have been, wondering if the answers I choked out were good enough.
“Maddie is the best big sister.”
“I wish she could play with me.”
“I miss Maddie.”
Annabel’s imagination is so vivid that she’ll often tell me stories about the adventures that she and Maddie went on. Each account is so detailed that she’s almost convinced me they’re real memories. At the end of each story she’ll say, “Remember when that happened, Mama?” I smile and ask her to tell me more.
“Where does Maddie live now, Mama?” In our hearts.
“Oh…I can feel her when my heart beats!”
I can, too.
Jana from Germany says:
Your child is wonderful. And I hope that she will always love her big sister. And you are wonderfull to for allowing her to have her own memories of stories you told her.
Sunday Stilwell says:
Beautiful and bittersweet. xo
Annalisa says:
Awwww! I wish they could play together too.
Molly says:
Oof, that must be so painful even as Annie’s words are so sweet. You must be missing Maddie more than ever now. The postpartum period is hard enough–I imagine that must be especially true for you. Take good care of yourself.
Sue says:
Beautiful,,,,and,,,,heart wrenching, Heather. What a doll baby James is in his outfit. I love it!
DefendUSA says:
So, I can sound like a crazy lady, now. But, when my Gramma passed away, I had a dream. I believe that I have angels. My Gram was not able to communicate verbally in any way that made sense when she neared the end. A month after she died, I was dreaming. I told her that she could do an Easter Mass. She said, as clear as if she were standing next to me, with her son, (whom I never met, but I knew it was he)next to her, “Sorry, doll, I’m busy!” And that is exactly what she would have said in life. I know it was her way of telling me she is okay and happy.
My point is that you never know what Annie “sees”! Maddie is real. There is no “was” for her.
Ellen says:
I’m so sorry, Heather. I’m sure your answers are just what Annie needs to hear. It’s heartbreaking that Maddie wasn’t there to be the amazing big sister in person that Annabel is
Cristy says:
One of the amazing things about kids is that they’re so uninhibited. I love that you support her in speaking about her big sister as if their adventures together are “real”. Sounds like Annie has some wonderful dreams about Maddie. Hang in there and keep doing what feels right for all of you.
Jenn says:
Your post brought tears to my eyes for two reason…
1) I can imagine how much those innocent questions break your heart. The questions she has every right to ask and SHOULD have experienced.
2) Like yourself and all of us, I cry for what should have been.I look at Maddie’s picture on the side of the screen often and think how unfair it is she isn’t there playing with Annie and fighting over who gets to hold James first.
I’m so sorry Heather. I’m so sorry such questions bring you such sorrow. I’m sorry your tears of grief cannot be tears of joy. I’m so sorry for all Maddie is missing and has missed and for all you and Mike have too.
But, I DO believe Maddie IS with you. I believe she met both Annie and James before they were born and she guides them now. I believe she is still very much apart of your family, heart and soul…I just things were different. I just wish, like you and Mike and everyone else that she was there in person and I will ALWAYS be sorry she isn’t.
Sending you all BIG Hugs and Much Love!!! xoxo
Lauren says:
What Jenn said – perfection.
Jaime says:
Oy! My pregnant lady emotions just won out and I am sobbing like a baby! I am SO sorry that Maddie was not there to wear a special dress when Annie was born, or to hold her and help feed her. Life is so damn unfair. I am so happy however that Maddie is so very real to Annie, your lucky to have at least that, even as much as it c’ant compare to actually having her with her now. Since we lost Evan in childbirth, we don’t talk about him too much, Evangeline doesn’t really know she had a big brother and I don’t know what kind of baby/child he would have been..nor are there photo’s of him in our house, just an urn and a statue of a little toddler boy with an older girl (lost two people I love within 6 months of each other, the other being my cousin). Not to say loosing Maddie later is better, or easier, in fact it would be way worse cause the bond is so much stronger still…just that I love that Annie has such fond created memories of her big sister. Back to crying now. You are blessed, even through the tears with your three beautiful children.
Susan says:
DefendUSA is right on he money. Maddie is real. There is no “was” for her. She is alive and well and celebrating her siblings in heaven. One day she will meet them. I’m sorry for your pain while here in the present.
Stacy says:
I have no words… I think it’s beautiful that Annie talks about Maddie, but I can’t imagine how much you miss her. Maybe Annie’s vivid imaginations are Maddie’s way of showing she’s near by. Sending love.
sister says:
Exactly what Stacy says!
Robin says:
I second that what Stacy said. Sweet innocence of children and so tender at heart! Dearest Heather hugs your way these moments! Maddie is nearby always!
shannon says:
I love that one of the comments says, “take good care of yourself”. That alone caused me to tear up. You are such a good Momma, Heather. What a wonderful soul Annie is.
Shiggins says:
I love the fact that Annie is extending Maddie’s life through imagination. Maddie deserves it! I bet (and hope) she will keep doing it for many, many years. xoxo
Margie says:
Right in the feels.
Annie is a wonderful little girl and you are a wonderful mom for navigating her through all this. Chin up, Spohr.
Momma, PhD says:
Oh wow. I’m getting choked up just reading about it. It is precious, and heartbreaking all at the same time. Saying a prayer for peace for you.
Faith says:
Heather I wish you peace during this hormonal roller coaster. Annie does have memories of Maddie because I’m pretty sure you did a good job of teaching her about her big sister, and giving her memories to hold and grow in her heart…where Maddie will always live. Even if she has or hasn’t imagined some of them, it’s clear you have a wonderful talented girl there.
Mommy says:
Sending love to you all. She is one lucky girl to have a mommy like you.
xoxo
Trisha says:
This post made me cry. So sweet, yet so heartbreaking. I can only imagine that Annie’s sweet stories are just another way of Maddie’s spark still glowing.
Hugs to you all Heather!
Tia says:
I LOVE that she knows and talks about Maddie! I remember once you saying one of the worst things was when nobody would mention or talk about Maddie in fear of upsetting or hurting you and Mike. You have shared Maddie with Annie since day one with pictures, videos, and stories of that sweet baby. And I have no doubt that James will be any different!
cj says:
beautiful and heartbreaking. sending love to your family.
Lacy says:
Sending hugs.
Angel says:
Gulp. Cry. Hugs. You’re doing an amazing job Momma Spohr!
Michelle says:
Annie has her own memories. My daughter (she is four) was born a year after my dad died and talks about him constantly and her memories she has of him. I know how hard it is when she asks questions about him… Sending you love and peace.
Krissa says:
(((Heather)))
Sara says:
What a sweet girl Annie is. I agree with some of the above comments that it is such a testament to her wonderful parents that she knows her big sis so well. Much love to you all. xox
lauren says:
god bless you. you’re doing a great job. It must be so hard but sweet at the same time
Glenda says:
OMG! My heart just ached for you, for Maddie, for Annie, for Mike & James…
I wish Maddie and Annie could play together too. It’s not fair. Maddie should be here! and they should be fighting over who gets to hold James.
Hugs to all of you
xo
Melissa says:
Annie a doll. That’s so precious. I’m sure she and Maddie play together at night in her dreams. XO
Sarah says:
My God, Heather. It’s amazing how little ones sometimes find the perfect words in their innocence.
I read this post at work today and had to turn to my friend and explain who you guys were, because I was crying… She then read this post too, and I actually saw Annie’s words take her breath away.
amourningmom says:
It is so very bittersweet. Our twins talk about their older and younger brother as if they are still here sometimes. At a playground once I caught them telling people that Sawyer (their deceased younger brother) was going to be a spider for Halloween. I just smile and choke back the tears.
Our twins have also decided that their brothers are flowers who live in the ground. I believe as you wrote, that they live in our hearts.
Sending hugs and hope to you and all of your children. xo
Violet says:
That is beautiful, and also heart wrenching. I have tears. I bet Maddie does visit her in her dreams and they do have adventures together.
Monique says:
I believe Annie did have adventures with Maddie in Heaven before she was born. Just as I believe Maddie did wear a special dress when both Annie and James were born. I love the bond Annie has with her big sister despite them never meeting on earth. It may hurt but I believe it is so beautiful that Maddie lives on through your other children.
(((Big Hugs)))
Amanda says:
I had not thought of this but what an amazing thought that perhaps Maddie comes to Annie in her dreams! Even if these are only day dreams.
I love the idea of saying that Maddie lives in your hearts. I hope that Annie can always feel Maddie in her heart like you do yours.
Pattie says:
Oh, how my heart broke for yours reading this. It’s truly beautiful, though, how Annie holds Maddie so close to her heart, and in her imagination. Much love to you all.
Skye says:
So beautiful and sweet, yet hauntingly heartbreaking. I’m glad Annie “knows” Maddie in her own way but so, so sorry that Maddie isn’t here playing with her siblings like she should be.
Jen says:
{{{hugs}}} and congratulations!
Kim says:
This is the age when my kids were SO inquisitive about Emma. Every one of them has gone through their own grieving from ages 3-around 5. They will tell me they miss Emma, that they wish she were here, what they would play with her if she were here, etc. It is normal (so I have learned) but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.
You are doing an amazing job at keeping Maddie alive in your home and hearts. It all just sucks.
AmyG says:
I shouldn’t have read this about 15 mins before I log on for work. Whew! You’re handling this well, Heather & I love that you let her have “adventures” with Maddie. Who knows… they could be happening as she sleeps. Big HUGS!
Rhonda says:
That’s exactly what I thought when I read this, they are playing in her dreams.
nicole says:
21 days postpartum and I cannot handle this post. The love, the sadness, the innocence. Annie has such a sweet heart and you’re such an amazing momma to her, James, and especially Maddie. It’s because of your love for your children they will always know and love each other.
Auntie_M says:
Annie is so wonderfully, tenderly, incredibly insightful, it just about shatters my heart while simultaneously putting it back together again:
“Oh…I can feel her when my heart beats!”
Holy moly!!!!!!!!!!!
As for all her other questions of “Did Maddie do such & such with me…” I suppose the best way to answer for now is the way you always do: with the true Annie can grasp—something along the lines of “She absolutely would have…(…wanted to hold you, worn a pretty dress when you were born, tickle your toes, watch you sleep…)”
And the truth remains that “Maddie would have been and is a wonderful big sister…it’s ok to miss her cuz Mommy & Daddy do too…and I love the stories you tell me of Maddie…”
And the truth remains that it will probably rip your heart out every time: how could it not? One of your girls, one of your children isn’t where she should be. And for that I am forever sorry…how incredible Maddie would have been here with her siblings and her family. And to say she is watching over you (though perhaps very true) doesn’t change the fact that you (and everyone else) would much rather just have her HERE with you.
I’m so very sorry that you weep before an urn that shouldn’t have ever existed…but I am grateful for Annie’s innocent joy and love. She keeps Maddie very much alive and present.
xoxo
Rhonda says:
I haven’t commented in a while but, this totally grabbed my heart and squeezed! I believe they play in her dreams and your sweet girl’s spirit is there with her little sis. OMG, this is hard for me…I can’t imagine what you have to go through, emotionally. take care of yourself sweetheart.
Kelly says:
No adequate words….but because of you, Heather, SO many bonus have Maddie living in our hearts. :love:
Kelly says:
No adequate words….but because of you, Heather, SO many of us have Maddie living in our hearts. :love:
Paola says:
aww Heather my heart aches for you. I’m sure Maddie does play with her sister in her dreams as she will in James’ as well. Their love for each other will bring them together.
Kate says:
Life Before Life, by Jim Tucker.
Just read it. I am not hippie dippie or a crazy person, but he talks about how many kids have distinct memories of before being born. Interacting with people that are no longer with us. It could be Annabel’s wonderful and beautiful imagination. It could also be real memories.
mae says:
I’m sitting here crying.
I know it’s not the same, but our daughter (first pregnancy) was stillborn a few weeks ago and one of the things I’ve thought about is how we’ll (hopefully) tell future children about her.
The only thing that feels even vaguely right is thinking about the love we’ll always carry for her in our hearts.
Love for you and your family.
Heather says:
Oh Mae, I am so terribly sorry. Please let me know if there is anything I can do. My heart goes out to you. xoxo
mae says:
Thank you. Honestly, just reading your posts has already been so helpful.
After losing our baby, I also was diagnosed with a clotting disorder and given a similar treatment plan for any future pregnancies. So reading about your “fun” experiences with blood thinners and high risk docs has helped give me hope. Thanks for sharing your story.