The drive home sucked. Leaving without seeing Jackie made it real.
I felt sick the entire time. I tried to sleep but only grabbed a few minutes here and there. Annie said some hilarious things from the back seat, and twice I grabbed my phone to text the quotes to Jackie. Both times it knocked the wind out of me.
She’s gone. She’s really gone.
I’m sad. So, so sad. But if you ask me how I’m doing, I’ll tell you I’m fine, because if I say anymore, I don’t know what will come out. Probably just noise.
I don’t know what to write.
I need sleep. I need rest. I need to wake up.
I’m fine. I’m fine.
I’ll keep repeating it until it’s true.
Becca_Masters says:
This physically makes my heart hurt. I wish there was something that I could do to remove all of your pain and grief, but that would be silly. Have you seen what happened to Piper in Charmed when Leo took away her pain when he became an Elder?!
This blog is your outlet and one of your biggest support networks and we all know that you’re not “fine”. If you need to make a noise, scream, shout, cry, sob, laugh, we’ll do it all with you.
If you need us, we are here.
You’re not alone, and will never be alone and we all love you so dearly.
Heather, do what you need to grieve. We’re behind you all the way.
Bec says:
You don’t need to write. Just do what you need to do and take care of yourself.
Beth Mariel says:
Oh Heather… Just know that we’re all here for you.
Nelly says:
That feeling when you go to text or call and suddenly it hits you is the worst.
I lost my Mum last year, she was my best friend and the person who I would call 10 times a day for every silly little thing and those moments were unbearable, and I still get them occasionally but they sting a little less and sometimes I can think “oh, she would of loved this…” and not feel as sick/shocked/hurt by it.
I wish so much I could offer some words of wisdom or something to make you all feel this a little less, all I can say is that your words and experiences are touching people and complete strangers in other parts of world will remember Jackie! and Maddie forever.
Love to you Mike and Annie xxxx
Kate says:
At one point, when I was younger, I was made aware of a saying which, translated to English, roughly means “although my heart is breaking, I’ll be fine.”
And I like that saying, because it recognizes the pain (and how many “time heals all wounds!”-type sayings DO) while also recognizing that there’s hope at the end of it. That it does get better.
You aren’t fine now, because your heart is breaking. Or maybe broken. Or maybe something else, but I know it’s not whole.
But day by day, it gets better. And at some point, we all know you will make it up the mountain, and you will find–a little lonelier than before, maybe–your “fine.”
Jenn says:
Hi Sweetie,
You know what? It’s okay you’re not fine. PLEASE give yourself a break Heather. I know Jackie wanted you all to go on without her and LIVE and you will but it’s also okay for you to take some time to grief! You JUST lost your best friend….it’s okay to feel angry, heart broken, lost…If you can’t write…don’t but if it makes you feel better, then write away. There is NO right or wrong….There is NO time limit in this….Right now it’s okay to be selfish….it’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling. One day your life will slowly continue and you will find your smile again but maybe…..just not today and Sweetie….that’s really is FINE.
TonyaM says:
Agreed. So well stated.
Long distance hugs, Heather.
Cierra says:
Every person’s situation is different when dealing with grief so I am not going to say something like I know how you feel because honestly no one can. I am just going to say how strong of a person you are and that a heart only breaks for someone when you love them so must that it’s already straining at the seams. I grew up in a really tiny town with 52 students in my senior class. Most of my classmates were either related or have grown up together. Cancer took one of my best friends away too. The only consolation for me is that I can seriously look back and say that she loved me and her friends and family as much as we loved her and even more. As you know the pain never goes away but it’s slowly numbed by everyone keeping her memory and good works alive in their hearts. I don’t know why but God takes some of his angels too soon but they will never be far from your heart and will welcome you with open arms when it’s your time. Love and prayers from Texas.
Lanie says:
A yoga teacher once explained to my class that we are all fine. He went on to define fine :
F%#!ed up Insecure Neurotic Emotional
Since our first son, Jake died I always ha trouble answering the question “how are you?”. Now that our youngest son, Sawyer, has also died and I have a new definition for the word “fine”. When people ask how I am I just say fine .
Sending peace and hugs to you. xo
Molly says:
I’m so so sorry, Heather. Wishing you peace–and rest.
PS: Aren’t two-year-old girls just the funniest? Would love to hear Annie’s “Annie-isms” when you’re up to posting them
Elizabeth says:
Heather,
Do what you need to do to grieve. Many thoughts and prayers to you. Much love.
Brooke says:
I went to therapy after my mom died when I was 13.
One day my therapist asked me how I was doing. I said I was fine. She said, “You know what fine means? F%*ked up, Insane, Neurotic, and Emotional.” I said, “Then yes, I’m fine.”
I continue to keep you all in my thoughts. Hugs.
Mommy Boots says:
Be kind to yourself. This is a freaking crappy thing to have to deal with. It’s not fair, it just sucks. Thinking of you. Hugs to you.
Jacquie says:
No other words than I feel your pain here.
It is not fair and it does suck the big one…..
Hugs to you
Editdebs says:
It’s not fair, and it sucks. So sorry.
Brandy says:
I’m so sorry Heather. It’s completely okay to not be fine though. People understand and know that you’re grieving. I know as a mom you want to be fine for Annie but I believe it’s okay for kids to see us not be fine. How else will they know that it’s okay to be sad and that it’s okay to cry and hurt and say that we hurt? Not that you’re not doing that, I just know from my own loss that being not okay is totally normal and I want you to know I’m thinking of you.
Melli says:
Hang in there Heather
Krissa says:
There’s only one other person in the world that I know – it’s someone I know personally, not ‘only’ from following their writing – who has been touched by tragic unexpected deaths and as close together as what you and Mike have. (Unexpected because you weren’t able to see it coming, and also an unexpected illness….) I mean, I know it happens to a lot of others, but I don’t know them. The other person is my sister-in-law and she’s such a good-hearted and caring person, like you. It just makes no sense. There’s no words to fix it….noting to make it right…nothing to make sense of it. I wish so hard that you hadn’t experienced these profound losses. I’ll be thinking of you and remembering your loved ones, people I didn’t even know. I hope you get some sleep soon.
Erin says:
If heaven works the way we all hope it does, then Jackie already knew what Annie had said even though you couldn’t text her…and maybe Jackie somehow put those words in Annie’s head to make you chuckle. My heart breaks for you Heather. I am so sorry for your loss of such an amazing friend.
Nicole says:
I’ve been reading your blog for a few years now.. and want you to know that I am sending you much love and support. My aunt passed away in August last year, due to an unknown disease (first diagnosed as brain cancer) that slowly killed her over the course of eight years. She was “that” aunt who never had children of her own and treated her nieces and nephews like gold. I turn to music in my times of need and found a lot of comfort in the song “Quiet Your Mind” by Zac Brown Band. In fact, “quiet your mind” was one of the last things I said to her before she passed hours later. Please know that you have the love and support of so many who don’t even know you other than through your blog. Hold your baby and your husband tight.
Karen says:
That Jackie had to suffer this horrible disease is unfair. My thoughts are with you and her family. It’s okay not to be fine, that’s what we are here for – support and caring.
Libby says:
I hope you find a little peace so you can get the rest you need. I’m so sorry you have to grieve for Jackie. Please take a break from writing if you need it! We will be here when you’re ready.
Ashley says:
Heather, I am so so sorry. You don’t deserve this. I wish there were words…..
I do want to say “thank you” I’ve lost touch with my bestest girlfriend. We were inseperable. In fact, her dad thought we might be lesbians some day LOL And once we got older and married to spouses neither of us liked (looong story) we lost touch, we quit talking, we quit giggling, we quit talking in our own secret girl talk language. It just stopped. I don’t really remember how, or why or the day or anything… but I miss her so much it hurts and knowing what you and Jackie! have makes me want to reach out and see if we can be friends again. I know it will never be like it was, but it can be something. I couldnt stand it if something happened to her and I would feel horrible if it happened while we were on bad terms. So, I’m taking a step and I’m going to contact her. I probably would’ve waited and waited until it was just too late, but now because of your story I’m going to do something!
Still keeping you in my thoughts and hoping you get some rest.
Brandy says:
Ashley – what an excellent point! I am also doing the same thing. My close friend and I didn’t have any sort of falling out, we have just moved an hour apart (so NOT that far) and now have families and jobs and school and so much that keeps us apart. I would be devastated if I let our relationship die due to an hour difference and something happened to her.
Lindsay says:
A person would have to be super-human to be fine right now. Grieve. Scream. Cry. THAT’S fine.
Bampa says:
Jackie’s Father Tom spoke about Jackie’s last few weeks and the things they discovered about her. The first…she didn’t want to inconvenience anyone with her death. The second…she detested being called inspirational. She felt that description should be reserved for those who go out and take on problems and that she never asked for cancer. Jackie was selfless and at her best when helping others…….Jackie was always at her best.
Lisa says:
Thank you for sharing that Bampa….and for Mike as well. Be fine Heather-I love the description. Going to hold that to my heart. I wish you could text her. I still have my email for one of my friends that is now gone…and whenever I think of her I think I should email her….(before texting just to give you an idea how old I am)….once I did and her fiance answered me.
I wonder if you girls could start a page (FB? Twitter) for you and Jackie’s friends and family so you can continue all the memories of her going (so she isn’t remembered just for the brain cancer like she worried)….or what you would say to her (like what you would’ve texted her). Keep the memories alive and reach out to each other when you are feeling fine. Hope that makes sense?
Auntie_M says:
Lisa~love that idea: A Notes to Jackie! blog or FB page… It wouldn’t be the same as Jackie! but it would keep that essence alive & going.
Kim says:
My heart just breaks for you and Jackie!’s family. I am so so sorry.
Skye says:
Long-distance hugs to you. Because I have no words.
Tina says:
Grief. I know it, and you know it. All too well. There’s no way around it, or over it; the only way through it is…through it. Do whatever you need to do. Or not do. Just survive it. That’s all anyone expects of you. Be kind to yourself.
Jackie says:
It’s ok not to be fine. You will be fine one day, but if today isn’t that day, that’s ok to.
Andrea says:
I was thinking of and praying for all of you the past few days. In times like these, ‘Fine’ is the only answer to give without breaking down in tears…
Kelly says:
Thinking of you.
Danielle says:
It’s totally ok to not be fine! Everyone understands (or should understand) that you’re going through a heartbreaking situation. No one would be “fine”.
Sara Mc. says:
I’m not sure if you listen to country music or not, but the other day a song by Rascal Flatts came across my iPod that had me thinking of you. I think it might speak to how we are all feeling for you as you make your way through this unimaginable tough time.
HereIt’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It breaks your will
It feels like that
You think you’re lost
But you’re not lost on your own
you’re not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
If you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won’t let go
It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won’t let you fall
Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I won’t let you down
It won’t get you down
you’re gonna make it
Yeah I know you can make it’s just a piece of it….
Much hugs and well wishes to you Heather.
MJ says:
Sending so much love your way, I hope you can feel it.
Audra says:
Hang in there heather. The best is yet to come. You have soo many People looking out for you from up above that it’s impossible for anything else but that to happen. Sending so much love, support, and good karma your way!
TamaraL says:
You do not have to be fine. It’s okay to be heartbroken. You WILL be better, one day, but until then, it’s okay to feel however you feel.
Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds, in the sky, you’ll get by
If you smile, through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile…
Sending you all my good, healing thoughts.
Auntie_M says:
Heather…It’s ok if you’re not fine for a while, but if telling yourself that you are is what helps, then do what helps. If writing helps, write. If it doesn’t, shut up the laptop & ignore us for a while.
But through it all, remember there are friends & family & total strangers who are here for you, who love you and support you, who want you to know it’s ok if you fall to pieces, because we’ll help you gather those pieces back up and put them back together over time.
Take care of yourself. Try to rest–I know that my insomnia worsens with grief which can then spin out of control into full-blown depression, so do what you need to do to take care of yourself….whether that’s writing, sleeping, seeing your therapist, taking Annie on a little trip, holing up in the house for a bit–whatever you need to bring a little peace back into the chaos that can be grief.
Love you, supporting you. ~Mary
Angie says:
I have been following your blog for a few years now but have never posted a comment before. I just wanted to tell you I am so sorry for your loss. You, your family, and Jackie’s family are in my prayers.
nicol says:
thinking about you guys, Jackie, and her family and friends. I’m so sorry.
Karen says:
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my best friend a few months ago from cancer. It’s such a weird thing because you aren’t technically ‘family’ but yet I was closer to her than I am to some of my own family. I just try to focus on all of the amazing times we had and every once in a while have a good cry. I’m so sorry.
kate says:
Heather – I am so sad for you and everyone who knew and loved Jackie. Something like this doesn’t ever become ok, or better – it is just something to live with. The only comforting thing I can think of is that (from what you have shared here), albeit far too short, Jackie lived a life few people have the fortune to live – to be loved so deeply and to love in return, not to mention her adventures and the profound effect she has had on people both near and far. What a girl! I know this won’t make the hurt any less (the loss is too close and too deep), but I wish you beautiful memories, peace, and love during this total shit time.