I am in the dumps. Gah, December is just so stressful no matter how much planning and swearing to myself that it won’t be. We will have a nice holiday and we’ll be able to see both of our families.

I have a toothache that I can’t get fixed until January. It’s pouring rain in LA and we’re going stir crazy. But I finished all our Christmas shopping already, and I have steady work coming in and everything should be perfect.

Of course, it isn’t. I’ve fallen into my gloom even though I have tried hard, SO HARD, to not slip. I’ve been able to really keep myself busy and not let the sadness overtake me…until all this rain started.

Now I lay on the couch most of the day, and all I want to do is sleep. Keeping myself busy and “happy” is exhausting, and I’ve ran out of energy. I hear the rain against the windows and it pounds a rhythm that says “she’s not here, she’s not here.”

When I was Christmas shopping, I saw two little girls in matching dresses get their picture taken with Santa. Big sister and little sister. It was a punch to the gut that I still haven’t recovered from.

I can’t wait to see Annabel on Christmas morning, ripping paper and throwing around boxes. But my mind is cruel, and it won’t stop thinking about how Madeline should be helping her baby sister unwrap presents. I should be buying Maddie toys because she’d be old enough to not want clothes for Christmas. What do three year old girls play with? I should know this, and I don’t.

I need a rope to pull me out of my hole. It’s the same tired roller coaster I’m going to be on my whole life. But it’s bad timing. I want to enjoy my baby’s first Christmas.

Please everyone, help me find my smile.