When I was young, just out of college, I spent a lot of nights in my room dreaming about the life I wanted. A high-powered career, a wonderful husband, and a big house. I wanted two kids, but left the door open for a third in case the first two were the same gender (and I hoped that the first two would be girls). I wanted to be done having my kids by age 30. I wanted my best friends to live down the street from me. I wanted to grow old surrounded by everyone I loved.
Here I am, thirty-three in a few weeks. I have the wonderful husband and a home I could live in forever. Through circumstance I have a job that is flexible and lets me focus on charity – something I’d (shamefully) never considered. My first two children were the little girls I wanted. Almost all of my friends are no further than an hour’s drive (or flight) away.
Written out, it sounds a lot like the life I wanted. But so many bad things ushered in the good that I could never honestly say this life is a dream come true. And for that, I feel guilty.
One of my best friends is dying, and she doesn’t get to have many of her dreams come true. My daughter died before she ever had the chance to make any dreams. I think that I can’t grieve this pregnancy because it feels like a selfish luxury to be able to grieve at all. As time passes around me, I become more acutely aware of what I have in my life, and more acutely aware of what others don’t, and won’t.
I don’t dare dream anymore. I’m not afraid that they won’t come true…I’m afraid of how they might.
Michelle says:
Oh Heather. I can’t even begin to understand the heartache you have faced. All I can say is that you have to keep dreaming. Jackie! and Maddie would want that for you. You have to dream for them because they can’t.
Liz says:
Well said. You are amazing and doing amazing things in your life and the lives around you, to include strangers/friends on the internet. Thank you.
Have you heard the saying “Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it”? So true. My uncle was having some complications with diabetes. My aunt just prayed that he wouldn’t be in pain. Very shortly after he passed away. He was no longer in pain.
oana79 says:
Heather, I prayed for you last week. For your shattered dreams. And for restoration. I prayed God would give you a “normal” pregnancy and a son to cherish. I pray now that God will heal your heart and will encourage you to dream again. Hugs.
defendUSA says:
Heather…
Your blog posts are a form of dreaming and grieving and that’s good. In a year or two, this will be another part of the journey you couldn’t have gotten to without the current aches and pains.
I find myself saying quite often these days that I am sure God doesn’t give me more than I can handle, either. My mother shattered a disc in her back at 68 and needs surgery, my sister in law went manic crazy and now because of her, we may actually face losing our practice because of her mistakes in that state of mind. I continue to keep the faith that I can catch a break…you will too!
Tricia (irishsamom) says:
Sending you light and love Heather (and to your family). Your dreams will come again and they will be good. I know it. You are an amazing mother and friend to many and you have given so much of yourself to others and to your children, that you deserve the next part of your dreams to happen, I am thinking of your precious friend Jackie and holding her in my heart over this painfu time Better times are coming for you your family and you so desere them. Hugs, hope and love to you and Mike and your beautiful Annie. Your girls are beyond blessed to have you as their mama. xxx
Lisa says:
Hugs, Heather. Don’t feel guilty for grieving or for dreaming.
Staci says:
I had a whole comment typed up and it just didn’t make sense. I can’t convey what my heart feels. Anyway, feel what you need to feel. It’s okay.
RG says:
I have no instructions, advice, stories. I’m just happy to be part of a community that *might* be of some help to you, and happy to listen to whatever you want to put here. I hope that writing these feelings out brings you peace, and I hope you understand that you are not alone – not in your reaction to your miscarriage, not in your baby loss, not in your grief-exhaustion. We lift you up, as best we can.
Dawn @What's Around the Next Bend? says:
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Lisa says:
Every life is a life to be celebrated and every death is a death to be mourned. Go ahead and grive for the little one you just lost. I’ll be grieving with you just the same as when Madeline died.
Jenn says:
Dear Heather,
& Family learned.
Jackie knows you are right beside her & how much you’re hurting for her and although I’m sure she is hurting too, it would hurt her A LOT more knowing you weren’t enjoying your life or your dreams b/c of her.
Maybe instead of focusing on feeling guilty, maybe you could live the best life you have which includes dreaming all you have dreamed in honour of Maddie & Jackie!!!
Sometimes I get so lonely when all of my family & friends are out doing their things while I’m crying at home but then suddenly I will get a text, e-mail or phone for one of my people simply saying “Hi” or”I thought of you today when I did this at work” and I suddenly not only find myself smiling but also happy b/c I know they are Healthy & Happy!! I would NOT want it ANY OTHER WAY!!!
Sending you lots of love & hugs!!!
Jenn xoxo
Jenn says:
Hi Heather,
Please delete my post as, I am MISSING OVER 1/2 OF IT!! My computer is really acting up so maybe that’s why. I will try to post you later. Sorry again about the screwed up post!!!
TamaraL says:
Ugh, what’s that old saying, Be careful what you wish for??
Heather my wish for you is that you will some day you can dream again. You are SO deserving.
Lori McBride says:
Selfish??? That is the LAST word that I would ever use to describe you. To grieve the loss of a pregnancy, a life cherished, wanted, and loved is not selfish. Not only did you lose the pregnancy, you lost the dream of a life with that baby….the dream of the life with the four of you together after all that you have lost already. There is absolutely nothing selfish about that honey. If anyone says otherwise, just put them in touch with me and I’ll have a heart to heart with them. You do this the way YOU need to…not the way anyone else in this world who is NOT and will NEVER be in your circumstance dictates that you do it. You are loved and you are respected. Just because your life and experiences are “public” due to your blog does not mean you do things in accordance to other’s will.
(((((((((hugs))))))))
Tami says:
My heart breaks for you as I cant imagine whats its like to lose a child more then once. If it gives you any piece of mind and comfort keep dreaming. It helps me. and I have to just tell myself everyday what Im thankful for. Hugs,
Skye says:
I think it’s great to be able to focus on what you do have, and that can help the healing process. Unfortunately, so many of us don’t truly cherish what we have until it’s gone. However, you should also let yourself grieve for the sad things without feeling guilty about it.
I’m so sorry you’re afraid to dream. I hope Annie will help you dream again when she is old enough to voice her own dreams for the future.
Jenn says:
Oh honey…it’s life, isn’t it? I get like this and feel so guilty and confused and I listen to Verve’s Bittersweet Symphony and old old songs for hours and just cry.
Then, I get up and go on to the next thing. Dreams are tricky things and sometimes, acceptance is just about all we have.
Take care,
Jenn
Jackie says:
This post left me with chills.
Please just know, that even though things aren’t as bad as the next person, or it could always be worse, there is not a “you must be suffering this much” to grieve line, you can grieve for any loss you feel no matter how big or small.
Elizabeth says:
I just wanted to say again how sorry I am that you’ve had to go through this loss, particularly when you’ve been through so much already. Life just isn’t fair, I’ll never understand it. I’ve been wanting to send you a message because after experiencing a pregnancy loss last fall, I can’t help but reach out when someone has gone through that experience. But I don’t even know how to put it into words, as it is such a different experience for each woman who goes through it. Maybe given what you’ve been through before, this loss feels like a different type of grief and you’re processing it differently. Maybe it will just take some time before you can grieve. Whatever the case, you have every right to feel whatever feelings you do about what has happened to you. I completely fell apart after my loss, was very depressed, had a very difficult time coping in day to day life. I knew that other people in the world were going through worse things than losing a pregnancy, but it felt to me like the worst thing in my entire world. Despite being pregnant again now, and everything going well so far, I feel sad every single day for that loss still, and I often wonder when that feeling will subside. But I know it had to happen for me to be where I am now…Most of the time that gives me comfort. It isn’t easy though. You’ve been through way more than any person should have to go through by 33. You should never have to feel guilty for any of the feelings you have. I hope I said this alright, like I said it’s so hard to put into words. Take care, and I’m sending positive vibes that very amazing, wonderful things are in your near future!
Molly says:
Oh, Heather, I am so sorry for your very real and pertinent loses. Nobody would wish to go through what you and Mike and Jackie have been through and continue to go through. It sounds to me like you ARE grieving–it’s just all wrapped up in everything else. Go easy on yourself.
Molly says:
Your grief for this lost pregnancy is real and legitimate, even with all these other griefs around you. Honor that. There *is* so much terribleness. There’s also so much goodness. One doesn’t cancel the other out, somehow they both exist simultaneously…it’s almost impossible to comprehend. Makes me think of this poem: http://www.katsandogz.com/onjoy.html
“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” I think that just means that after so much grief, I’m more aware of how incredibly precious and miraculous every good thing is.
Glenda says:
Thinking of you, Mike and Jackie!!!
xo
Kel W says:
In 2010, I thought I had it all. A wonderful new husband to erase the pain of the divorce I had been through. 3 wonderful older kids and a brand new baby girl who I had prayed for. A gorgeous home on a corner lot. A career finally after a string of dead-end jobs. A newish vehicle. My dream come true.
In 2011 I nearly lost it all through a string of events that still boggles my mind. The only thing I have left are my children, my memories and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). I railed against God. This isn’t what I had asked for. This wasn’t my dream. This was my friggin’ nightmare in technicolor. I lost my dreams, too. I thought life was over.
And you know what? It wasn’t over. It was just different. And not what I asked for and certainly not what I dreamed of. And its slowly becoming ok. Not “ok” as in sunshine and roses and strawberry shortcake “ok”. But its ok as in, “I can do this” and “one day at a time” and “it hurts a little less each day”. It’s not perfect. But it’s life. And its mine. And someday we will understand the “why’s” and the “how come’s” on a God-given timeline. It’s not fair but it’s what is in front of us. Denial only makes it that much more painful.
Hugs and Love to you. You are ever in my prayers.
Karen says:
This will eventually be a fully integrated part of you, woven fully into the story of Heather… and you will dream again. In time, you will.
Allison F. says:
This makes my heart ache…life is just.not.fair. I have had my share of pain (so not worth listing out)…and I have several people close to me going through horrific things right now. I can’t reconcile it, I can’t reason with it…And sometimes the pain/injustice is downright crippling. So, I try to remind myself of the good times, the memories and to enjoy the little things. I try not to waste time on people/things that I don’t love/enjoy. There was a time in my life that I NEVER thought I would get back to a good place. And here I am in a different place but, a good place. I hope this happens for you too.
Lanie says:
I too had dreams/plans of what my family, job and life would be like. My grandfather has a saying that goes something like this “men make plans and G-d laughs.” After burying 2 sons I am also afraid to dream and plan.
Life can be so bittersweet – I hope that for both of us there is more sweetness.
Sending peace, hugs and good thoughts to you and Jackie!
Willyn says:
Life is always life..there’s always pain, and sometimes that pain could be unbearable..but in the end, we still have to live life, and suffer, suffer, and suffer until there’ll be no pain…and live life again..and there’s pain again and again…but the most important thing there is- of all those pain felt, there were joy and happiness in between
AmazingGreis says:
I’m so sad that I can’t help take away some of the pain. You’ve been through so much the past few years. Hope you know how much I love you and if you need anything I’m always around.
Must see you soon! XOXO