Annabel’s questions about Madeline come in phases, and we are in a big one right now. The questions are getting more specific and harder to answer, because while I am always honest I do everything I can to not scare her.
Annie is very into the human body right now. We have several books and apps she loves to explore, and I love watching her face as she puts it all together. I dread the sections about lungs, because Annie always asks questions about Maddie’s. We told her that Maddie had weak lungs because she was born too early. We then emphasize she and James have strong, healthy lungs.
She accepted that for a while but lately she wants to know why. Why was Maddie born too soon? Why were her lungs weak? Why couldn’t the doctors fix her? She’s at the age where I want her to trust that doctors will make her feel better. She doesn’t need to know that doctors can’t fix everything.
The one question she’s asked a lot lately is, “What did the doctors do?” Did they give Maddie shots? Medicine? Did they have her rest in bed? I hate when she follows this line of questioning because it gives me flashbacks. I hate that soon, she’s going to realize death is something that can happen to anyone.
During our eight millionth watching of Frozen, Annie finally made the connection I’ve been dreading – that she should be “Anna,” and Maddie should be “Elsa.” I’d been trying to avoid this by emphasizing Annie’s big sister status, but I knew it was only a matter of time. She said, “Mommy, I wish Maddie was here so she could sing the big sister parts.” I switched tactics and told Annie since she’s a big sister and a little sister, she can sing both parts. I even started calling her “Annabelsa” but she still seems very sad about it.
She’s started asking me to draw her “Maddie Marks” again. I don’t mind, although I do wonder how she explains them at school (her teachers know about Maddie). Yesterday she asked me to “draw a different Maddie mark – one of me and Maddie together.” Heart stab.
Mike took Annie to see Mr. Peabody & Sherman, which has a time machine as the center plot point. Annie is absolutely fascinated by the whole concept of time travel and has been raving about it ever since she saw the movie. She asks every day if she can build a time machine so she can, “see dinosaurs!” When I dropped her off at school yesterday, she said, “Mommy, later when we build a time machine, I don’t want to see dinosaurs. I want to go back in time and see Maddie. I want to play with her and save her so she can be with us forever.”
I just hugged her, because I didn’t know what to say.
shannon says:
Sue says:
Tears,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Hugs to all of you.
Maya says:
oof my heart.
Lenora says:
Exactly my reaction!
Bianca says:
Mine too. Ouch. So sorry, Heather.
Sarah says:
I don’t know what to say, either. Your family will always have a place in my internetstranger heart.
For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing an absolutely incredible job of explaining things to Annie, and of supporting her own exploration of her relationship with Maddie. You guys are amazing.
susan says:
Worded perfect, i share same thougjts.
Tenley says:
I agree!
Karen says:
This…yes…so agree.
I was reading your post counting the number of times I would have blown up at her and felt so horrible for it. Instead, you are amazing. In awe over here…and tears.
Laura says:
Exactly what I was thinking. You are wonderful parents.
Elizabeth says:
((((Hugs))))
Amanda says:
Those questions must be very painful for you. I’m sorry about that.
Amanda says:
Those questions and that longing or going to manifest in some amazing way as she gets older. I cannot wait to see what the little sister of Maddie and big sister of James goes on to do with her heart and mind.
Big, big love to you, Heather.
Margie says:
My mom lost a son before I was born. She was also honest and open about it, like a lot of sad stuff in our family history. I remember writing a story about the brother I never met in first grade. Now, my little brother is in ICU battling leukemia and pneumonia and, of course, I am terrified. Even moreso because I have a son now. To this day, I don’t know how my mom did it and does it to get out of bed every day. I don’t know how you do it either Heather. I blame the kids. They are the reason that you have to get out of bed. I admire you so very much. Many, many hugs.
Heather says:
Oh Margie, I will be keeping your little brother in my thoughts! xoxo
Margie says:
Thanks, Heather.
The mountain is moving, slowly, but it’s moving.
Lauren says:
Thinking of your family, Margie. <3.
Margie says:
Thank you, Lauren.
Rachel says:
You are all incredible. You’re doing a great job as a mom. Hugs to you.
Sarah says:
I always try to find the simplest true answer when answering these type of hard questions. And I say I don’t know sometimes. And I let my son be sad for the sister he never met. Sounds like you are doing great, but I agree the kid questions are hard and bring back pain. Many hugs. I appreciate all you do being a public voice of grief and how it doesn’t end but morphs into a part if life.
Nellie says:
That is one beautiful child with a heart and mind that brings adults to their knees. Sending lots of warm hugs – you are doing everything right even when right seems iffy in your mind sometimes. You have children who feel your love and will always know they are loved by you and Mike.
JustAMom says:
Oh Heather. You are handling this so beautifuly. I am so sorry for the pain you must be feeling. I wish Annie went to my daughter’s school, so I could give you a hug in the parking lot.
Stephanie says:
I lost my older brother shortly before my first child was born. They share a name and I want my son to know about his uncle. It is often a struggle for me to figure out the right things to say. I admire you and your words have helped me more than you know. Hugs to you and your family.
Kate says:
It sounds like you’re doing really good with the really complicated, sticky questions Annie (who is like terrifyingly smart; I don’t know how I’d deal with a kid with a mind like hers because I don’t think I could keep up!) throws your way. But if the “at a loss for words” moments keep happening, maybe you could find someone who deals with kids and family grief/trauma/whatever and just ask for how to tackle some of the harder questions without traumatizing yourself or Annie. Not because I don’t think you’re handling it well, but because maybe there are methods by which the gut-punches that come with these questions don’t have to hurt so much.
I mean, I don’t know this for certain. The bits and pieces I’ve read on explaining death and grief to kids seems to advocate exactly what you are doing–simple, straightforward answers that are designed to explain without terrifying. But since the thought popped into my head, I thought I’d mention it.
And seriously, Annie is like the smartest and most, I don’t know, deep-thinking little kid I’ve ever encountered in words or in person. Blows my mind.
Jessica says:
What a sweetheart! You are doing a great job with her.
My youngest daughter (5) has a heart defect and my oldest daughter (7) doesn’t know it may be life threatening. I dread the day she learns she will likely not have a sister for most of her adult life. It makes me very sad.
ldoo says:
Wow, her last comment knocked the wind out of me. I’m so sorry, Heather and Mike. Know that your loved ones and us online “strangers” think of your sweet Maddie and DO remember her. I promise.
Jackson says:
I like to think that we create only what we can handle. For reasons only you know, you have kept Maddie alive and an integral part of your family. Annie and eventually James will always ask questions because of this. What you cannot anticipate is what other children will understand. Since you keep Maddie alive Annie will have to figure out how to deal with that with her friends.
Lexi says:
WHAAAAT? “For reasons only you know??” Surely you didn’t mean this to be as incredibly rude as is it sounds. Wow.
Judith says:
Are you for real?
Your comment is disgusting and beyond words!
“For reasons only you know, you have kept Maddie alive and an integral part of your family”
Maddie IS her daughter for goodness sake, a very integral part of her family!
Jackson says:
To both Judith and Lexi-
People who have grieved the loss of a significant member of their family do a variety of things to keep a memory alive and they do only what they can psychologically handle. Some people carry a photo in a locket they wear close to their heart, some people put pictures of the deceased all round their homes and talk about the person, some people just shut off the person because it is too painful to remember. What we do is what we can handle. When a new child is born however the parent dealt with the deceased family member will be absorbed by the new family members. And we cannot anticipate the questions or how the child will present information to his or her friends. It can be very confusing to a small child when told about another child’s deceased sibling. I do not feel what I said is rude. I was making an observation borne out in studies of children. I still maintain that how you as a mother deal with situations is what you feel you can handle. Otherwise you would be a basket case and unable to handle the perturbations in life.
Abby Leviss says:
Jackson – parents of bereaved children keep our children alive in our memories because that is where they deserve to be. Annie won’t know different because this is the life she has – just as my second son will “know” his older brother through his father and I. Our children are a part of our lives and in our hearts and souls (and blood and bones) because we couldn’t let go of them even if we wanted to. Lots of things in life are confusing. That is why we learn to teach our children about those confusing things as best we can. You may have studied children and made observations but until you’ve lived even one day in the shoes of a bereaved parent, I’d keep it to yourself.
Auntie_M says:
Perhaps if you had expanded your initial comment above into something more like this, it wouldn’t have sounded so rude and ignorant. Perhaps it’s just me, but I still feel a lack of tenderness and more of a clinical-ness to your comments, which I suppose most of us (faithful readers & friends) aren’t used to here.
liz says:
I don’t think Jackson means to be rude or judgy.. the Spohrs have chosen to integrate Maddie into their new children’s lives, which is their perogative, and they have their reasons why they have chosen to do so. My husband’s parents lost their first child at 18 months before any other siblings were born, and they chose not to make her a part of their lives, but to keep her memory between the two of them. They had their reasons to do so as well. There is no right answer here,and as another commentor stated, there is no guide to how to do this. Respect the Spohrs for how they choose to keep Maddie in their lives, respect my inlaws for how they chose to not include their late daughter in the lives of their children.
Kate says:
Wow Heather, I don’t know what to say either. Your family are in my thoughts. And I must say, you have one very smart beautiful girl on your hands. Not that this helps at all, but because of you and Mike, it seems like Annie is going to a very well rounded, compassionate, person when she grows up.
Sonya says:
Oh God, Heather…that is so hard. My daughter is five, and I struggle to answer her questions about fiction sometimes (“Why did Anna and Elsa’s parents go away?”) so I can’t imagine having to answer Annie’s questions about the very real, very loved, very missed Maddie. Hard for her to understand, hard for you to re-live. I’m sure it will come up with James as well. Hang in there.
MG says:
Wow, she’s a deep thinker. It sounds like you are doing such a great job. She’s going to be filled with compassion, that little one. I always continue to be sorry for such a great loss.
Courtney says:
Heather, I don’t have any words of wisdom or similar experiences to share. Just wanted to let you know that another internet stranger is thinking of you. *hugs*
Karen says:
Have you ever met a doctor who tells you why they got into their field? So many have a life event that motivates them to do something truly amazing. I can see that in Annie.
The above comment about “choosing to keep her memory alive” really stood out to me. I don’t think many people would opt to let memories of a child go, even if they could. None of us can understand how it feels to walk in your shoes…but if we try to imagine the best way to handle these situations…it sure sounds a lot like what you are doing. God bless, you and your beautiful, smart, loving family. *virtual hugs*
Tania says:
I had & lost my baby boy when my daughter now 11 was 2 and a half. It was determined FAR along in my pregnancy with him that he would not survive outside of the womb for any length of time, unfortuently my daughter was with us, at what was to be just a routine ultra sound, well as routine as a high risk pregnancy ultra sound can ever be, when we got the news, even at 2.5 she understood mummy and daddy were very sad, I ultimately had to give birth to him via being induced and giving physical birth, one of the hardest moments of my life, I got to hold him, I have pictures, other then being small he was perfect. I have shared these pictures and stories with my daughter because she has understood since 2.5 that she had a baby brother, we have celebrated his birthdays together, I believe she understands even at 11 way more about the why? then I ever will, but the hardest moments are when she will just look at me out of the blue in a random moment with tears in her eyes and say “I miss my baby brother, I love him so much” To be honest Heather I NEVER know what to say, my response to her every time is “I do too my Lou Lou and I love him very much too”, she still asks questions about what happened, I tell her, right or wrong, I tell her. As she has gotten older the explanations have gotten longer but easier as she understands so much for an 11 year old…Annie reminds me of my daughter so much at that age….and no matter how much it punches me in the gut I have always always let my daughter ask the questions and I have always tried to be as honest with her as I can. They are were and will always be a son or daughter in our life no matter how brief there stay, and to me keeping their memory alive for especially there other siblings is one of the best gifts we could ever give them.
Morgan (The818) says:
Friend, I can’t imagine the pain of that realization that Maddie should have been Elsa, but that is also so SO beautiful in so many ways. This is so cheesy, but Frozen is about sister love and Annie has it. She never got to meet her Elsa, but she knows she is there loving her and protecting her. It’s such a painful metaphor, but actually quite a perfect one for your girls. They didn’t get to spend their childhoods together, but it didn’t stop their love from growing.
I wish Maddie could be with you forever too. I wish we could have met her.
Marcilyn says:
Beautiful analogy.
Martha H. says:
There are no words….
Mary says:
So beautiful. You are such a good mother. Doing an awesome job in a very tough situation. Your children will grow up well equipped to handle both the happy and really tough stuff in life. I know that certain tragic ‘secrets’ in my family were so tough to handle finding out later in life. I really wish my parents had been as open as yours have been. Helps children to see the reality of what it means to live and also die-something that we all have to deal with many times in our lives. To see happiness and sadness exist together in everyday life for all of us.
Lisa says:
Ouch… I can’t even imagine how painful this must be for you, but… Parenting: you’re doing it right. Clearly Annie loves her big sister and is already showing empathy and compassion in regard to what happened… Which is mighty impressive. I’m so in awe of your strength and resilience… Annie and James are lucky to have you. So is Maddie.
Becky Mochaface says:
Oh sweet girl. Thinking and praying for you all this time of year.
Amy C. says:
My boys are doing the same thing now. The other day at my younger son’s baseball game the entire time was spent answering my older son Sam’s questions about life, death, his birth, and Noah. I wonder what all the people around us thought about it. LOL! Yesterday, when the boys were playing they were playing my younger son Frank was asking Sam about Noah (since Noah and Sam were born together). It was such a comforting and intuitive conversation they had. Annie will be okay but her questions will be in the millions :). You are doing the exact right thing too. As she gets older her mind will better be able to put things together.
TonyaM says:
You’re doing an incredibly good job dealing with the hardest possible subject. Hugs and prayers.
Jenna says:
So wait…you had a baby who passed away (which is of course tragic and I’m sorry for your loss) then you had another child and you talk to the 2nd child about the 1st one and allow her to imagine the sister she never meant and engage her in these conversations to help her “process”? I don’t understand why you would do ANY of this. It’s disturbing. I’m sure your daughter will end up in therapy “grieving” over someone she never met.
Heather says:
Ha, thanks for your comment, you seem very compassionate and thoughtful.
gorillabuns says:
Don’t you just love jackoffs?
Paula says:
Man you are restrained! Maddie was and is part of your family. Hiding her would serve no purpose other than to confuse Annie and make you sadder. Geez. Take a humanity pill along with that slice of judgement lady!
Margie says:
Please share the handbook on grieving all while raising a child. Thank you.
Susan says:
I’m lost; why is it bad to tell a child about someone who has passed and help them process what that means?
While by no means the same as losing a sibling, I heard about other loved one(s) who had passed away in my family before I was born. I heard stories about them and asked questions about what these people were like and, eventually, how they passed, as I learned more about life and death. I didn’t grieve so much as empathize and slowly understand what loss was (which made me sad sometimes, but also helped me learn about life in general), which is something I think Annie will do as well (in some form or another).
Also, what do you mean by “allow her to imagine the sister she never [met]”? How could Heather possibly stop her? Would making it a taboo topic somehow be a more healthy thing to do? Forbid her from asking what happened? Kids imagine and ask question, whether we like it or not.
Katrina says:
Much like the title of this post, I don’t know what to say. Must be our lucky day to come across someone with ALL the answers… but, to never speak of those that have passed away is down right ignorant. The fact you find this disturbing is in fact, disturbing.
Jolene says:
Couldn’t have said it better myself Katrina. UGH. Some people are incredible.
Lindsay says:
So Heather and Mike are supposed to do what exactly, pretend that their first child never existed and/or ban Annie and James from asking any questions about her? Talk about disturbing and therapy-inducing …
Tania says:
Jenna,
ALL I can say to you is that I hope you NEVER have to go thru a tragedy like this in your life. I really do. But if you do, you will then understand!! You would then understand what it is to feel a baby growing in your stomach and giving birth to them, to then have them ripped away from you!! It appears to me that you may have some pent up anger issues with someone in your life and therapy is what you probably need.
Heather-I apologize to you for replying to this individual on your blog, but I cannot just cannot let it go…sometimes my “filter” just shuts itself off….
Rachel says:
Jenna, on top of being cruel and unnecessary, your comment makes no sense. Are you actually suggesting that parents pretend their dead child never existed?!? Take down photos of Maddie? Make sure other people who knew and loved Maddie never mention her in her siblings’ hearing? Because that’s what it would take for Heather and Mike not to have these conversations. Unbelievable.
Paula says:
Jenna – we can’t all be perfect like you. I’m sure you’re so fucking perfect you shit gold bars and fart glitter.
Take your crazy someplace else – we’re all full up here.
Monique says:
My heart breaks for you. I know it isnt the same, but I lost my mom 7months ago (she was only 49) and my two year old daughter asks me heart wrenching questions about it every day. She watches a show called Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood and in it there is a song meant to ease children with separation anxiety. They sing, “gown ups come back”. I cringed when I heard it. And the ither day she finally made the connection. She asked me why her Gamma can’t come back.:( Thinking of your little ones as well as you.
Lanie says:
We saw Peabody & Sherman last weekend too – if I ever figure out how to build a Way Back I promise to let Annie know immediately. We will go to the future to find the answers/cures and then we will go back to Jake, Maddie and Sawyer!
There are no rules on how to answer questions about deceased siblings that i have found. If i ever find those i will send them your way too! Sending hope and hugs. xoxo
Franny says:
You are such an amazing mom to Maddie, Annie and James. Sending you love and hugs.
Nicole says:
Oh God, I just burst into tears. You are an incredible family. You guys are always in my thoughts
Veronica says:
Hugs for you and Annabelle. Just as you grieve at different times, so will Annabelle. She will grieve for what she doesn’t have, the same as you, but through her eyes. I go through this with my own daughter, in our own way for our own loss. It is hard to be strong, but it is ok to show your tears too. She needs to know it’s ok to cry and be sad at times about this. I hope your community can be a comfort through this, and help to carry you through as you do what is best for you and Annabelle. What a sweet, and loving, little sister.
Auntie_M says:
Heart stabs indeed! What a precious, tender-hearted child your Annabelle is. I love how much she loves her Maddie and always has. I hate though that her innate love and desire to know all she can about her sister can be so painful for you. God, if only a time machine could be built and her perfect dream come true…wouldn’t we all love that? Bless her sweet heart and quick mind!
I thought then and I think now that letting Annie have her own Maddie Marks was a beautiful thing. I think that Annie is not only processing the sister she is missing but the deepness of your love for Maddie and how much you miss her. How beautiful for a child to glimpse the depths of a parent’s love–because during all that time as she observed & asked questions, she felt & was told how much you love HER…she has observed & felt never-ending love in action. So amazing.
I only wish it didn’t hurt you so much as she makes these realizations. But once again, you amaze me as a parent: you sure as he’ll weren’t given a handbook on how to handle these things, but sometimes it seems as if you were. Both you & Mike…Maddie, Annie, and James are so lucky to have been born to you.
Sending you love & support from afar.
Auntie_M says:
I truly hate smart technology…
^^”You sure as HELL weren’t given a handbook…”^^
*but you just may be writing one for other grieving parents*
kakali says:
It’s impossible to hide your child from another child because the child is always there with you Heather! You are doing a great job explaining things to her.Annie is very inquisitive and very smart so her curious mind is always looking for something new and there is nothing wrong about telling her the truth. I am so sorry that Annie could not meet her beautiful sister!
Jeanie says:
So hard. {hugs}
Kim says:
It is so hard for me when my kids get to an age where they realize what they are missing and really start to miss their sister. It is a different kind of missing than what they have previously experienced – they are starting their own grieving process. It is so hard. I wish I could come sit and wrap my arms around you. It doesn’t get easier, it just gets different. And this is part of the different.
cj says:
i am so sorry. you are such an amazing mom to all three of your children!
i’m sorry as well for the couple of people who seem to think that they have all of the answers, please ignore them and know that many of your readers hold you in the highest regard. take care.
Janine says:
Heather,
I’ve been reading your blog for years and years now. My husband knows you and Mike by name because I speak of you so often. I never comment, but I feel compelled to say that after enduring the heartbreaking, unspeakable loss of your sweet girl, you remain a wonderful, creative, spunky, very loving mama to all of your children. As a new mom myself, I view you as a role model. Just wanted you to know that, even though I know it does nothing to take away the ache in your heart.
Meg says:
Like someone already said, it is absolutely devastating to find out “family secrets” or “hidden tragedies” later in life, even as an older child or adult. I know everyone processes grief in their own way, but I’d like to add that it is very unrealistic to think a child won’t ever find out something a parent wants to hide — even if it’s for the child’s own good. (Hi, therapy!) Yes, Annie has a relationship with her sister that, by fact, is lined with grief. But she’s got a sister. That’s a fact that no amount of avoidance can hide. Heather, you & Mike are doing a wonderful job with a situation I selfishly hope I never have to deal with, ever. Annie & James are going to know learn earlier than most kids that life isn’t fair, maybe, but they will also know how much their parents love them and love their sister without any doubts.
Meg says:
What a dear, dear heart she is.
Ciji says:
I wouldn’t know what to say to her either. Big Hugs. I applaud you for sharing Maddie with her and tackling the hard questions. The rude commentators above seem to think that hiding her existence is healthy. I would hate to learn I had an older sibling while I’m going thru my deceased parents things as an adult. I would wonder why didn’t they talk about her or feel like i was worthy to know the truth. Its no different than sharing stories of grandparents who have passed before your child was born. I think Annie and James will be stronger in spite of this loss. They are learning that you can continue with life after a loss and that it is okay to share your grief. They will be able to trust that whatever problems they have in life their parents will be able to help them thru it because they have survived worse. They are learning to communicate their feelings so they don’t bottle them inside. They are learning about the circle of life which is the same lesson in almost every disney movie. So keep up the good job Heather and Mike!
Jenny says:
I’ve heard good things about the family grief counseling and sibling support via The Compassionate Friends. If there is a chapter or something similar in your area this could be a great resource for Annie and James.
Best wishes to you and your sweet family .
hdj says:
Sometimes hugs are better than words.
Annie is so smart with an imagination and big dreams. And she clearly LOVES her whole family. What an amazing little lady you have.
Amelia says:
My 4 year old says she’s going to talk to my best friend about getting a day of the dead skull like hers so she can bring her brothers back for me. Very sweet. And heartbreaking.
Jess says:
Heather,
I am always amazed at the grace you show on a daily basis, when others would fall apart.
Paula says:
I cried. I cannot imagine how that hurts, but what a wee darling Annie is. It’s so lovely that she is allowed to know and love Maddie.
You’re a wonderful Mum. And none of have all the answers. And I too am learning just to hug and say “I wish that could be true too”..
Paula says:
My girl is the same age as Annie – it’s not the same, but she is very interested in babies and how they are made and why she is sooo special. I explained that Mummy tried and tried and couldn’t have a baby even with lots of injections (including some in the butt). She knows I lost two babies before she came along and has names for them, and has decided they were a brother and sister.
She got into the car with me today – Mummy, I don’t want to be a grownup. I don’t want to have a needle in my bum!
Kids.
She still can’t understand why I can’t have another baby for her to love. And that hurts my heart so bad.
Heather says:
Aw Paula. So many hugs coming from me. xoxo
Paula says:
Thank you – I think I grieve dear Maddie with you because I never saw my babies. She is the face of my own sadness if that makes sense. And my Grace will understand one day, and in the meantime like you I need to love her and answer her as best as I can. Xx
gorillabuns says:
The girls still draw pictures with their brother in it. they also tell their friends they have a brother. I think they handle the situation way better than I do.
Pattie says:
Annie’s statement about the time machine just made me start crying, so I can only imagine how it must have made you feel.
I think you’re on the right track so far in how you’re answering her questions. But God knows nothing about it is easy.
Lisa says:
Oh Annie is so sweet. Love and hugs to all of you as you wade through these ever more difficult conversations.
Annalisa says:
You should have said “Me too, Annie. Me too.”, which the hug did. So you did know what to say.
As for the doctors’ questions, you could always say: “well, what do you think happened?” and listen, so you can gauge how much detail she’s ready for. Including the fact that doctors too are human beings, and human beings don’t always know everything they need to.
Missy says:
OH, my heart is just breaking over here for all of you. I can’t even imagine how yours feels. (((HUGS))) for all of you!
Paula says:
Heather – I certainly hope you know that I adore you. I love how you’re parenting, how you’ve become a Phoenix after losing your daughter. You could have mired in depression and curled up and decided to not live life any more – but you did not. You stood up and fought and won. You’ve created a wonderful charity to help other families in the NICU, you raise thousands of dollars for the March of Dimes every year, and your wisdom, kindness, caring, wit, and creativity touches lives every day.
Do NOT allow idiots to take any of that away from you.
Mommy says:
Sending you so much love. I wish I had words to make it hurt less. Your children are all so lucky to have a mommy like you.
Jess Z. says:
Ugh, that’s tough. You are doing a wonderful job of explaining things to Annie…sometimes a hug is just enough, too.
Mrs. Flinger says:
I’ll just hug you, because I don’t know what to say. xo
Jennifer says:
We talk about death for time to time with my 5 year old girl twins. They know my father (their grandfather) passed away before they were born, and we visit him in the cemetery from time to time. Last time we were there my daughters started asking more detailed questions about death, and why their grandpa died. My one daughter Sarah seemed to be getting upset/worried. I tried to reassure her that she had nothing to worry about, that death happens when you get old, and she has a long life ahead of her. She got very quiet and then blurted out, “Oh no…..Grandma’s old!” My husband and I couldn’t help but laugh.
edenland says:
My beautiful grandmother had six children. One of them was Patricia, born with cerebral palsy. She was also blind, and had the most stunning violet eyes ever. My grandparents were broke and had to move into some army barracks in Sydney with their other children for a while …. the people there convinced my Nan to give Patricia up to be cared for in a childrens home. My mother told me recently that the day they came to take Patricia away was so dreadful, Nans howling sobs echoed everywhere. A few months later, Patricia died, at just eighteen months old. They didn’t have enough money for a headstone.
Nan would tell me all about Patricia. And when she did, she cried. I loved hearing about her. I was sad that Nan was sad, unfortunately she lived in an era where “you just got on with it” so she never really spoke to anybody about Patricia until she got older.
It’s only been the last few months I’ve really wondered how Nan got through her grief. Maybe you never do.
When I met Dave I eventually found out that his mums first child was a baby girl called Elizabeth, who died from pneumonia at six weeks. For ages I’d ask him questions. His mum didn’t want to talk about it and he’d never really thought about it …. but he ended up having huge talks to his mum about his older sister and he was finally shown a photo. He was so blown away at the reality of Elizabeth, his older sister.
A few years later I found Daves dad in just one day, but that’s a completely different story. #amdetective
The way you talk to Annie about Maddie is so incredibly beautiful and awesome. One day she and James WILL put all the pieces together. If it’s painful or scary they have you and Mike right there next to them, holding their hands. Honesty is one of the best gifts we can give our children.
Just wrote a blogpost as a comment, you’re welcome XXXXXXX
Heather says:
And I love it, and you. I hope you’re being kind to yourself, Eden. xoxoxo
Alexandra :) says:
*hugs* thinking of you and your beautiful family this week, Heather.