I started to write this post with the intention of writing about something Annie and I did this weekend. I went back through some pictures looking for a certain one to help tell the story. Then I came across a picture of my Madeline that took my breath away.
Last week my therapist asked me what I miss the most about Maddie. I didn’t know how to answer. I miss EVERYTHING. I miss her smile, her smell. I miss her dirty diapers and her smelly food. I miss her kisses and hugs and curls and her dirty fingers and her laugh. I miss everything.
I wonder what she’d be thinking. What her interests would be. I wonder what she’d really think of her sister. Would she be jealous or would she be excited to spend time with her?
The other night I was laying in bed, Annie in her bassinet next to me, and I realized that I was sleeping in a room with both of my girls. Except Maddie is in an urn.
This life is so hard. I get overwhelmed by how much I miss her. I still don’t know what I’m going to do without her. When I think about how much it hurts…and I know that it will never stop hurting this much…I don’t even know how to finish this sentence. The right words don’t exist.
A year ago, my life was perfect. I was staying home with Maddie, Mike had his great job, we were moving forward with our plan for another baby and a hopeful move from a condo into a house. And then one Tuesday it was all taken away. I was a stay at home mom with no child. Mike’s position was eliminated while he was on bereavement leave. We didn’t want to move from the home Maddie lived in. It’s hard not to get swallowed up by it all.
I have been feeling guilty. I am so thankful for my Annabel. She gives me a reason to breathe every day. But I realized that I can be thankful for her and still be terribly sad about Madeline. These conflicting emotions swirl around in me constantly.
Some days it’s more than I can bear.
Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
Hugs. Just… hugs.
.-= Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last blog ..What has two hands but no fingers? =-.
Alexandra :) says:
You never said that Mike lost his job. Oh my goodness. Does he have one now, I hope?
Hugs to you, Mike, Rigby, and of course your two beautiful daughters.
Chrisie says:
I miss her too!
(((((HUGS))))))
Cinthia says:
Exactly.
Kelly says:
I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through. I can, however, send love and hugs.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Quality control =-.
Jessalee says:
“The other night I was laying in bed, Annie in her bassinet next to me, and I realized that I was sleeping in a room with both of my girls. Except Maddie is in an urn.”
Oof! This just got me.
I am so sorry you don’t have your Maddie. And I’m so happy that you have your beautiful Annabel.
cj says:
yes….this plus what Kelly said above. i am just so sorry.
Another Heather from Canada says:
That sentence … wow …. I just don’t have any words Heather, except that I am so so so sorry you don’t have your Maddie.
Love and lots and lots and lots of prayers for you.
MissyK says:
Oh man…me too. Tears…everywhere.
How my heart goes out to you. I am so glad that Annabel can give you some smiles back. She is looking more & more like her beautiful big sister.
((bighugs))
Laney says:
Yes, this. Exactly.
Sending lots and lots of love in the general direction of California today and every day.
Oh, how I miss Maddie and oh, how I love seeing Annie grow.
Marcela says:
Wow, how many people were touched by that sentence. I include myself here. I almost cried after that final word… so cold sounding.
We miss her so much, Heather. And we cannot imagine how you as her mother feel. Stay strong and continue honoring her memory by what you do here. We love Maddie and Annie <3 and of course their wonderful parents. Sending you hugs <3
.-= Marcela´s last blog ..Goblins in my house! =-.
Cynthia says:
Oh Heather, I know that there is absolutely nothing I can do or say that will bring you some comfort, so I’m sending you,Mike Annabel & Rigby a big hug…many big hugs & good thoughts, okay? Sweet Dreams to everyone & I’m gonna pray that beautiful, sweet Miss Maddie visits you in your dreams tonight, hoping in some crazy way it will help make it happen!
Yo is Me says:
Hi. I was here. I don’t have words for you. Just know that I read yours.
eliza says:
I like this comment. There are no words. I just hope, hope that somehow it will get better and more tolerable. No one should have to live with that raw pain. I so hope for you that time will help to ease it to some degree. TIme will never, ever separate you from Maddie but maybe it can help the pain. I don’t know. But I was here too. We love you in cyberspace and we are pulling for you every day.
InDueTime says:
Sending you a hug. I wish I had the words to comfort you.
Love you.
.-= InDueTime´s last blog ..Typical + A Favor or Two =-.
Jenn says:
I hear you Heather and I understand…..I miss Maddie too…sound little odd, I know since I’ve not “met” her but I look at her pictures and cry and I too wonder what she would be like today. I cry at the injustice of it all and still questions God decision.
This….burden….horrific loss was bestowed upon your and Mikes shoulders….but you are not alone in your sorrow….not for one second.
Hugs and friendship to you my friend.
Love,
Jenn
Bonnie says:
No words could ever bring the comfort so many of us wish for you and Mike. But we’re here, and we always will be. Thank you for trusting us.
Krissa says:
(((Hugs))) and love to you.
Ella says:
From one grieving Mama of a beautiful little girl to another, all the love in the world and the reassurance that your little darling will always be remembered.
xxx
.-= Ella´s last blog ..Jack’s Story =-.
Pgoodness says:
I think the trick is just what you’re doing…remembering Maddie and being thankful for every moment with Annabel. Maddie will always be with you, always be a part of you. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other like you have been. Laugh when you can, cry when you need to.
😉
xo
Mel says:
Oh Heather,
I can totally relate to this post, At the moment I lay in my room with my 20 mth old daughter sleeping, and my still-born daughter laying in her urn..
Life is shit sometimes, and I really don’t know a more eloquent way of expressing my feelings.
As always, thanks for sharing..
Sharon says:
I know your pain…thinking of you…xoxo
Rebecca says:
oh yes the grieving and being happy & blessed at the same time is just heart wrenching Heather. I’m right there beside you. I know that pain too. Every day that I enjoy my three beautiful children I miss my little boy Finn. Reading your words I feel for you and Mike. I hope there is lots of love and laughter to come.
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..self portrait with some nature =-.
@kristeneileen says:
Even in the unbearable crushing sadness of it all, you’ll never be alone. I know that because – despite that I’d do anything to have it any other way – somehow you and Mike have been there for others of us in our own unbearable crushing sadnesses of it all. No, none of this will ever get easier. But what will change is I – and about six million other people – will be a better person all the days of my life because you and Maddie lived – and Heather, that’s really something. You didn’t get to keep her, and nothing about it is fair, but she really was an angel, the bona fide thing, and I won’t ever be sorry the world got to hold her a little while… and I’ll always be glad she was entrusted to you while she was here.
I send you my deepest love from too far away –
Kristen
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Sending a hug…
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..My cheese puffs are wilting with boredom. =-.
edenland says:
Hey Mate. Geez it must be hard. Beyond hard. I think of you often, wondering how you are going.
Just doing your best – just getting out of bed in the morning (and all through the night) … is hard enough.
I read a news article today and thought of you. It was about a man whose son died two years ago. The man saw a guy pushing a stroller and was triggered so badly he had an uncontrollable crying fit and caused a car accident.
Grief is so big.
Sending you love. And sunshine XOXOXOX
PS Here is the link http://news.ninemsn.com.au/national/1027417/dad-in-accident-triggered-by-memory
.-= edenland´s last blog ..Gardening =-.
Natalie @ Hope Springs Eternal says:
I cannot even fathom what it’s like. Sending you hugs.
.-= Natalie @ Hope Springs Eternal´s last blog ..Retro Friday: Nellie Does Thriller =-.
amanda says:
As always, I am so sad that you have to endure this daily pain – that your happiness will always be mixed with sadness – but know that we are here always, loving Maddie and supporting you.
xo from CT,
Amanda
.-= amanda´s last blog ..croup is poop. =-.
Amélie says:
I just wish i could say something, that would make you feel better, but I just can find the right words.
*hug*
AmazingGreis says:
(((hugs))) to you my friend.
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..Weekly Winners – March 7 – 13… =-.
sam {temptingmama} says:
I love you, Heather. I think about you guys everyday. I pray it gets easier for you. xoxoxox
.-= sam {temptingmama}´s last blog ..More Home Makeover. Otherwise known as: Operation Save My Sanity =-.
Sherri says:
Oh Heather! I wish I could give you a big hug! I am constantly amazed at your strength. Seriously. My little sister recently learned that she will lose her firstborn, before he/she is even born, and will not even get to meet him/her. It makes me ache for her, and the rest of us who have been so excited about our new addition. Your blog has helped me so much in learning what to say and how to help and what to do. Give Annie a big old hug. Be thankful for all those beautiful pictures of Maddie and all those memories you have! I will be thinking of you!
Sue says:
Heather,,,,,I’m at a loss for words, too. The loss of our child would have to be the most traumatic experience that we could ever go through. Even for those of us that only know you through the blog, we love you & Maddie so very, very, much. How in the world could you pick just one or two things that you miss most about her. Every single thing about her was what made her MADDIE! I can only hope, that in time, however long that may take, the pain won’t be quite so heavy,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Huge, huge, hugs to you, Mike, Annie, & Rigby(who I’m sure still misses Maddie, too)
Kim says:
Heather,
It’s perfectly normal to appreciate Annabelle and still miss Maddie so much. They are 2 different children. I am sending big hugs to you. I am sure that it must be so hard for you as the anniversary of that dreaded day approaches. Be kind to yourself.
Kim
Lindsay from Florida says:
If I could ease one of your emotions, it would be the guilt. You have nothing (NOTHING!) to feel guilty about. Grief and joy really can co-exist. Annabel is thriving and happy in her new family, anyone can see that. You’re doing everything to make her a healthy, bubbly baby. You did that for Madeline too. And to deny your pain for losing your first baby is not good for anyone, including Annie.
You have every right to feel exactly what you need to feel, each day. I am sure that when Annabel looks back on this blog one day, she will understand. More than that, I’m sure she will celebrate the life she was given amidst what you and Mike are going through.
susie says:
Heather, I don’t have anything to say that will make you feel better, but since you told us a few days ago, that saying something is the most important thing, i will send hugs and love from NJ. I think of all of you everyday. Love, from another stranger.
Mary Ann says:
I’m so sorry Madeline isn’t there with her baby sister, but I know she’s watching over all of you.
I hope knowing how much we all truly care about you and your family helps. I think of Maddie and you every single day, kind of strange since we never met, but I feel like you are an extended part of my family – sorry I inclued you in my slightly – I mean highly disfunctional family. Sending hugs and good thoughts. I hope you have a great day today.
Kristen McD says:
I can’t imagine. Your loss feels overwhelming standing here on the outsde, looking at you. Feeling it… I don’t even know how you can move. I’m amazed that you do.
Kelly says:
All I can say, is that I’m thinking of you often, and hope that seeing that healthy smiling girl in her bassinet, is helpful and healing to you.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..A First, and A Last. =-.
cindy w says:
I wish you didn’t feel guilty. The fact that you’re still grieving the loss of Maddie doesn’t make you less thankful for Annabel’s presence. Even though it might feel counter-intuitive, I don’t think that one emotion negates the other.
Big hugs to you, Mike & Annie. xoxo
.-= cindy w´s last blog ..couch-to-5 wha? =-.
Ms. Moon says:
I have no words, only wishes of more peace.
.-= Ms. Moon´s last blog ..Addendum And Time Shifts =-.
Mary P says:
Heather, sending you hugs and love. You and Mike have had to keep putting one foot in front of the other in the face of unbearable loss and I can’t even begin to imagine how. I think of all of you, especially Maddie, so often. You have touched so many lives with your stories and pictures, your grace and your pain. I wish there was something, anything, that someone could do to help ease and comfort the pain you have. All I can do is listen and to keep praying for your family.
J from Ireland says:
I think of you often and your beautiful daughter Maddie. I think any feelings you have are totally understandable. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.
.-= J from Ireland´s last blog ..Is it a good thing or a bad thing???? =-.
Anna Marie says:
There are no words for what you and Mike are facing, and there are no words that will make you feel better. So all I have is big hugs for you and Mike and Annie.
Jodie Brooks says:
I miss Maddie’s beautiful smile too!! I love looking back through your pictures and seeing that bright-eyed smile. Just seeing her smile makes me think about how life is short and I need to take pleasure in the little things my kids do and say. She makes me a better Mom!!
Anjie says:
Missing all the babies who left us too soon. Many, many hugs.
.-= Anjie´s last blog ..Life with a Pup =-.
charlane says:
I cannot know your pain but I understand you emotional swirl. I am so happy and excited for you and Mike with Annie, and so sad and hurt for you both when I think about losing Maddie. My family is always thinking of yours, and sending thoughts, and care your way!
.-= charlane´s last blog ..Proof Of Cake =-.
Domestic Extraordinaire says:
(((Hugs))))
Thank you for sharing your girls with us. Because of Maddie I am a better mom to my girls. I have realized through her that I need to cherish each and every day.
I only wish I didn’t wait so long.
xo
.-= Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Flashback Friday-The Closet Edition =-.
Meg says:
I can’t even begin to imagine your feelings. Heavy, indeed. I’ve been thinking a lot about you and MIke and sending good thoughts to you and hoping that in some small way, the well-wishes and thoughts from so many others help to keep you afloat.
.-= Meg´s last blog ..Eyedrops for preschoolers =-.
Erica says:
Dear sweet Heather,
I am sitting here at my desk at work with tears streaming down my face. Your post is so beautifully written and I feel your sadness so profoundly through your words. I often look at your photos of your precious Maddie and they often take my breath away too, her amazing eyes, her pretty curls, her radiant smile, her cheeky dimples, her outstanding beauty. I get a pain in my chest when I look at your photos and think of how your precious girl was taken from you. I can only begin to imagine how great that pain must be for you and Mike.
Of course you miss everything about her, Heather. Please know that so many people all over the world miss her so much too and we think of her so much too. I contine to think of your World Famous Maddie every day. Yesterday was Mother’s Day in the UK and although we now live in Luxembourg we still remember our English Mother’s Day. As I held my little girl, I thought of your precious Maddie and you, her wonderful Mum and I thought of all that I have learned from you two wonderful people. Heather, you have taught me so much about being a mother and through reading your posts I am a better mother. I think of you all, all the time.
Sending you lots of love from afar.
Erica in Luxembourg
Alexandra says:
You’re so right: you can feel both at the same time. Missing Maddie (of course!!!) and loving Annabel.
Sometimes, it’s so easy to feel bad about any feeling good at all. But your life this past year has been exactly that: tremendous loss, and tremendous blessing. To acknowledge all that is key to survival. Not moving on, not getting over: just.survival.
I’m thinking of all of you. Lots of pain on the internet this week, no?
JennK says:
That is so much to consider…a whole life without someone. I pray for peace for you and for Milke. You’re in my thoughts daily…
.-= JennK´s last blog ..Fat Camp, day 21. =-.
AJ says:
I can’t possibly fathom how much it must hurt.
I have started about 16 other sentences and nothing seems to be fitting here. The only thing I can offer are thoughts and prayers for you and your family.
Sue says:
(((((HUG)))))
maya says:
I love you and I am ALWAYS here. ALWAYS.
.-= maya´s last blog ..Me and My Thumb =-.
Anne DiNapoli says:
Thinking about you today. I am so sorry. I wish Maddie was there to hold her sister. Your two girls are so beautiful. It’s so not fair. It’s amazing what a year can bring and all the changes that can be crushed.
I’m so sorry that Mike lost the job he loved too.
.-= Anne DiNapoli´s last blog ..Top 3 Thursday: Parenthood =-.
Katie C. says:
I wish I could say something that would make you feel better, but I know I can’t… your pain is so real and I know that it is something that only time will start to heal, somewhat. But like you said, that pain will never totally go away… I just pray for you that in time, life will be a little easier to deal with. I wish that with all my heart…
Margie says:
My mom lost her son, my brother, at birth some 35 years ago. She has never spoken to me about the events surrounding his death but she always brought up my brother. We always knew we had another brother, my 2 brothers and I. With the death of Layla Grace, a family I know ell, my mom brought up her memories about my brother’s death. i’m glad she was finally able to tell me her side of the story. I felt for her so much. I have always known how much she yearns for him but I never knew I saved her life as she had me 2 years after the loss of my brother. That alone breaks my heart. Hugs to you Heather. You will continue to be in my thoughts.
Mary says:
I will hold your hand while you cry. I will cry with you. And when you’re ready to stand up, I’ll help you.
Becca_Masters says:
this is so sweet and kind and thoughtful. this makes my emotions so much more intense after reading this post.
i find it very difficult to cope with the loss of my friends little girl Eliana, who was 2, so I can’t possibly even begin to imagine the pain of a parent who has lost their angel.
but i know that time heals, albiet (sp) slowly, but with friends and love and fond memories, time does heal.
despite never meeting Heather, Mike or Maddie, Annie and Rigby, everyday I think about them, and every so often I go to flickr and look at Maddies photos and admire a wonderful and beautiful little girl, who’s probably watching the world watch her and going “boy, those people love me so much”
Annie will grow up with wonderful stories of her big sister and you can bet your backside she’ll be proud and tell everyone about her big guardian angel sister.
be strong Heather, and remember the hundreds of people behind you, who are ALWAYS here for you no matter what time of the day.
.-= Becca_Masters´s last blog ..from Becca with Love =-.
Laurie says:
I think of Maddie every single day.
As hard as it is, I’m glad you have realized that you can feel for both of your girls at once. That’s a really profound realization.
.-= Laurie´s last blog ..Updates =-.
J says:
You amaze me with your strength, even if you don’t always see it.
.-= J´s last blog ..Nesting? =-.
Nikki says:
sending you {{HUGS}} and warmth to hold you during the most painful times. Please know you are loved and supported by many.
XOXO from GA,
Nikki
Tami says:
I think of of how maddie would love her little sister. I bet she would always be kissing her and wanting to hold her. She is a sweet little girl with a big heart. She is sooo missed!! 🙁
Hugs,
Sara Mc. says:
I am so, so sorry.
Jennifer says:
I am actually one of those crazy people who can completely understand what you are going through and I can tell you that everything you are feeling is sooooo normal!! My 6 yo disabled son(who was “lucky” enough to also get leukemia at the age of 5) died March 5, 2004. On November 4, 2004(do the math…8 months), my precious little Samuel was born. I got pregnant in the 10 day interval between when we found out Noah’s leukemia has come back and when he died. The emotions were crazy and ALLL over the place. I’d hold this new baby boy(who was a complete blessing from God) and just sob and sob for my Noah….it was horrible and yet strangely comforting at the same time. I see all these same emotions from you and it takes me right back. I can tell you that it will get better….just takes time, but that’s ok….you need time…and in the meantime, those of us who have been through it will continue to lift you up in prayer daily.
suzanne says:
It really is too much to bear, even for the strongest person, and it is so unfair. But you are pushing through so courageously, while inspiring so many of us along the way.
I imagine Maddie would have had a mix of jealousy and adoration vis-a-vis Annabel. What a fantastic older sister she would have been. And I suspect she will still be a guiding force, in her own way, for her sister. I am thinking of you guys.
Tiara says:
I can’t understand what your going through but I can relate on a certain level. My brother passed a few weeks before we found out I was pregnant. It has been a truly devastating loss to my close family – especially my mom – but everyone is trying so hard to be happy and find hope in the new baby. I feel that same mix of emotions between feeling joy over this new life but still feeling this tremendous grief over losing my big brother. When I had my son, my brother was the first one in the hospital. He even stayed with me in recovery after my c-section while my husband went with my son to NICU (my son was having breathing difficulties).
I can’t help but think of how he would have been as an uncle to this new baby. How excited he would have been about his kid sis having another baby… I know my mom feels the same sense of emotion. She misses her son but she is finding hope in whats left. I wish I could say it gets better or easier. I was saying to my other brother last night that I have good days when it feels like it was all a dream. Then when the reality sets in – its like I am reliving it all over again. I am not sure I will ever be able to just sit with the reality that he is really gone. Anyway – I just want to say – as a mom, I know I can’t understand the level of grief that you are facing. But as someone who is also mourning, I want you to know, you are not alone. Everytime I get caught up in all the things my brother never got to do, or the person he never got to be – I try to think of all the things he did get to have. I don’t know you but I can tell Maddie was loved and she was absolutely beautiful. That is more that some people are fortunate enough to have in a whole lifetime.
.-= Tiara´s last blog ..Party of Four =-.
Susan says:
I think Maddie would have had a great relationship with Annie. I also really don’t think she would be jealous. Of course I have only gotten to know her from the internet but she has a place in my heart. From what I have seen of her she was always thrilled to share and play with other children and people. I think she loves her little sister Annie and will always be a special part of her life.
Susan A says:
Sending you lots of hugs and love. I have come to your blog daily and wished over and over again that I could take some of your pain. You are doing the best you can do. Don’t feel guilty.
Sarah says:
I awoke in the middle of the night last night and was thinking of you and the terrible burden you must bear: being brave for Annie, and moving forward, but feeling such terrible, terrible grief and emptiness in your heart that your dear, sweet Maddie isn’t with you and that even though a year has almost passed the pain hasn’t eased a bit.
This is just to say that you are in my heart, Heather. I think you’re incredibly brave. I wish that I could bear just a fraction of your burden, but I know I can’t. Just know that there are so many people loving you and lifting you up.
Michelle H. says:
I’m so sorry for these emotions you have to go through. Keep your head up – you’re a wonderful person.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] says:
Keep talking about Maddie and her sister.
And let me send you a long-distance cyber hug.
.-= Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog ..The happy fun-time story of adult acne! =-.
Michele says:
I don’t know what to say…so maybe I just remember what you expressed last week and say…. I love you, I’m so so sorry for your pain and loss, it’s NOT fair, I wish I could give you a hug, and I think of your Maddie too.
Amanda says:
I am so sorry you have to feel this, that you have to go through each day knowing she is no longer physically with you. I can not imagine how I would get out of bed…. (((HUGS))))
LD says:
There are no words I can offer that would ever be enough- but know that a complete stranger thinks often of you and both of your girls…and that she’s awed by your continued strength.
.-= LD´s last blog ..A Farewell to Arms…er, uh…stuff. =-.
MommaLionessMichele says:
Exactly. Sending you and your family thoughts of peace. Please know your Maddie, and your Annabel, are thought of everyday.
.-= MommaLionessMichele´s last blog ..Kyle Gets Cozy =-.
Andria says:
Thinking of you all.
.-= Andria´s last blog ..Thirty Six Weeks =-.
Heather says:
We think of your family so much, I especially have learned how to live life to the fullest every single day because of the precious precious gift of time. I’m sorry you have days that hurt so badly and I wish you more peace and comfort than words can describe. Keep on moving girlie, you’ve made it this far. Maddie has been, and continues to be, an inspiration to so many people. We miss her too. 🙁
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Your name. =-.
JustAMom says:
Soooo very sorry. Its just not fair. It just isn’t.
JenC says:
Oh I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time. Maddie was a wonderful, beautiful little girl.
Amanda says:
Heather (and Mike),
I really don’t know how you guys do it, how you deal with such a mixed bag of emotions. What I do know is that if there are two people who can handle this, it is you guys! You have shown your strength time and again, even in the darkest times. (((HUGS)))
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Theives Among Us =-.
Jenny says:
I spent a great deal of time wondering this morning, which would I miss more: what I had or what the future might have been. I could’t come up with a solid answer besides it’s just not right, you should have both. I wish it were that simple and you still had Maddie by your side, never having to come up with impossible answers to questions that no parent should be asked.
Alexandra says:
I’m so glad you have this blog, Heather. I’m sorry for your pain, just so sorry.
So many of us love you out here, and we hold you in our hearts.
Kate says:
I miss Maddie too.
Michelle Pixie says:
I can’t fathom what you must go through, but I can tell you that Maddie is always on my mind and she has truly changed my world. XOXOXO
.-= Michelle Pixie´s last blog ..Bundled At The Beach =-.
Molly says:
I am so sorry. It must be a battle every day, particularly with a new baby (amazing as she is). I don’t know how you could isolate just one thing you miss about your Maddie–I know I couldn’t do it if I had to. I wish you guys peace, and I hope it gets a little easier (even if you don’t miss her any less) with each passing day.
Java@Nevergrowingold.blogspot.com says:
Don’t Tell Me
Please don’t tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don’t tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don’t tell me Maddie is in a better place,
I want her here with me,
Don’t tell me someday I’ll hear her voice, see her face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don’t tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don’t tell me to face the fact she is gone,
Because denial is something I can’t stop,
Don’t tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don’t tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I’ll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of Maddie,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don’t hesitate to say her name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
After the day April 7th came…..
Kristin says:
Oh Heather…my heart aches for you.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..Answers =-.
Fairly Odd Mother says:
Whatever you are feeling, you are allowed to feel it. Hugs to you from a mama in Massachusetts whose heart hurts for you.
.-= Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..Ingredients for a Rock Star party =-.
Haley-O (Cheaty) says:
Heather, ((hugs)).
Tara says:
I, unfortunately, only learned of your blog last April. But since then, I have gotten to know Maddie through your old posts and all the amazing photos of her. (The post of Maddie getting caught looking at shirtless pictures of Matt Lauer is my favorite blog post ever.)
I miss her too and think of her often. It seems that every time I come here, I see a photo of Maddie that I’ve never seen in your sidebar. I’ll click on them and end up getting sucked into her life while clicking on photo after photo that I haven’t seen yet. I have a few favorited. This is one of them and it truly is one of the most beautiful photos I’ve ever seen: http://www.flickr.com/photos/plasticcandy/2820877618/
I wish things were better. I wish no one had to miss Maddie. Especially you.
Kim says:
I so understand. To go from a house filled with noise and mess and love to a house that is so silent in so many ways. To have your life turned completely upside down in an instant…
I wish I could tell you that these thoughts and feelings stopped at some point, but they don’t. I still wonder what Emma would be doing, what she would look like, what she would think of these crazy siblings she has now. It is just part of the crap part of life now.
These conflicting emotions are really difficult to reconcile. How can you be so happy and so sad at the same time? How can you love both of your girls and yet only have one of them here with you? How can you continue to live with such pain and such sorrow and such exuberance and joy?
It’s all about finding a balance and it comes (or so I am told).
I love you Heather. I wish you didn’t know this pain and all the crud that comes with it.
Trisha Vargas says:
Oh Heather!! I miss your Maddie too. How my heart hurts every day for you.
(((HUGS))) from Florida
Aunt Becky says:
I miss her too. Every time her orchid blooms another purple blossom, I wish she were her to see it. Love you.
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Go Ask Aunt Becky =-.
Karen says:
I didn’t hear of your blog until immediately after Maddie passed. I follow now because I, too, was captivated by Maddie and her spirit for life, and your way of telling your tale. Both my children were premature, but they were lucky.
You tell your story so well, and I think we all feel your pain. Wish there were better words I could think of to put here that would be comforting.
Know that you are in my thoughts often. And I have to say this one more time… OMG, I can’t believe how much Annabel looks like MIKE!! Am I the only one who is saying that?… he must just beam over that..
Better days ahead…
.-= Karen´s last blog ..Keith Urban’s Impossible Quiche =-.
Lisa says:
Oh Heather, I don’t have words, just lots of love and lots of hugs. I wish you peace and comfort.
Love and hugs.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Miss Dress Up =-.
Addie says:
Hi Heather. I thought of Maddie all weekend. I thought of her on Friday when my daughter was throwing a tantrum and I was running out of patience. I thought of her at the Seattle Aquarium, thinking how much she would probably love the baby otters & strange fish. I told her/your story to a dear friend of mine on Saturday night. I told him of Madeline’s breathtaking smile, her infectious spirit, and of the 2 most inspirational parents she is blessed to have. We talked of Annabel, how grateful we are that she is here. I thought of her on our 8 mile hike up Mt. Si. She was never far from my heart. Seattle will always remember <3 All the strength and love to you, Mike & Annabel.
jenn says:
oh Heather! hugs, love and strength to you!
.-= jenn´s last blog ..The Sunday Dinner =-.
Lisa says:
I wasn’t going to leave a comment because you have so many already. I wasn’t going to leave a comment because I don’t know what to say, but last night I wrote a letter to you in my head. I don’t even know you, but you were on my mind. I don’t remember the letter now. I fell asleep and it disappeared in my mind. But I want to write today is based on what you said in your post the other day about what people could say to you about Maddie…I want to tell you that more than once since you’ve lost Maddie I have seen little girls in strollers and I have thought of Maddie. This weekend a man was walking past our house, pushing a stroller. The baby had blond curls and I thought of Maddie. I said a prayer for you. Maddie and you came to my mind again last night. I said a prayer for you. Heather, I don’t know what you believe about God and I won’t tell you what you should believe, but last night I felt God was trying to remind me to pray for you and I did. I didn’t know what to pray for..I just asked God to hold you. I wish I could ask him to give you back Maddie. When I saw that little girl in the stroller this weekend I almost cried and all I could think is “That should be Maddie. That should be Mike pushing her. I don’t understand, Lord. I just don’t.” I don’t know you, but I am praying for you. And again, I wish I could do so much more.
kalen says:
i was afraid that when annabel came, you would feel pressured to be suddenly & miraculously “healed” of maddie’s death. and i think that some people probably even expected you to be happier, etc.
but the truth is – the arrival of one blessing does not take away the sting of losing another. it does ADD to the reasons that might help you cope, but it does not replace… it does not take away… it just doesn’t.
humans are resilient. most of us are able to make it through horridly tragic circumstances and continue to breathe, even if it means doing so painfully. this resilience is something to admire – something to hold onto – something to remember. that you were created in such a way that your body could carry your spirit within it, even when your spirit feels absent… or injured.
your body will keep carrying you through these days, while your spirit heals and transforms. you are resilient, and annabel adds to that resilience.
so just take your time and wait, like you have been. keep going.
.-= kalen´s last blog ..Weekend in the Holler =-.
Paige says:
Heather, I think of you and Mike and Maddie and Annie and Rigby every single day. I’m holding you in my thoughts and in my heart. I cannot imagine your pain and I am so very sorry you have to go thru such an incredibly heartbreaking time. I’m sending you all my love and good vibes.
Love, Paige
.-= Paige´s last blog ..face painter.jpg =-.
Kathryn in Berlin says:
I get you.
Sometimes I feel so weird for saying and thinking that I miss Madeline cause I never got to actually meet her. But I know her through you and I know how much you loved her, how much she loved you and how much she loved life and it isn’t fair that she’s not in this life anymore. It’s just not fair. I know you hurt, and I share that hurt with you as a Mama.
I also share in your joy with Annie. She is a blessing, no doubt about it. But you can’t have rainbows without rain. Both are apart of our lives. Still, I miss her too. I think it will be impossible for you to never not miss her. Someone so important to you, you will always long to be near.
Mary @ Holy Mackerel says:
Oh sweetie.
Hold on tight.
I’m hugging you.
.-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..I Obviously Have No Life, But I Still Have More Of A Life Than Mrs. Snooty McSnooterpants =-.
Gabby says:
I’m sorry you have to feel this way and that what happened to Maddie really happened.
I have been thinking about you and your little girl no less than once a week since I read about her about a year ago.
It is because of Maddie that I bought a purple jacket.
I’m sad that I never had the pleasure of meeting her, but she has left a permanent impression in my life and has left me constantly looking for ways to help people, or just to do something nice. I have a feeling Maddie would want that.
*big hug*
Erin says:
Kisses and hugs to you Heather.
I think of you and your family often! xoxo
dawn says:
Im racing toward the 2 year mark of losing my dad.
Its still shitty. The shitty just keeps changing.
Camie says:
You and yours are in my heart so often. Your love for Maddie and Annie shines through here everyday. I wish I could help give you a little peace, but I am always happy to hear stories of sweet Maddie and her sister.
Erin says:
I’m so sorry, Heather. It is not fair that you don’t have them both in your arms right now.
.-= Erin´s last blog ..Shameful Indulgences =-.
Tricia says:
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo. and more xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo.
Deidre says:
Heather, Sweetie, all I can say is I have those feelings on a different level with my husband gone and only my daughter to reflect her father. Then I have my Dad who went too soon a little over a year ago. It is amazing sometimes I feel as though your pain is eased with Annie, and that I am still reeling as I have nothing to replace or add to my family. I feel as though we all bear our own burden. I am so happy that you have the strength to say – hey this is not perfect, I am still in pain and I miss Maddie every second. I am not sure Annie will ever fully understand a mother’s loss, until she has children, so in the mean time just take care of yourself, and I wish we could take all of our pain away. I just want to sit and cry, for both of us, but everyone would say that would not be healthy, ok..but I am having a difficult time and I will do what I need to do to get through the rough spots. Your right these feelings are not going away. I am ramblin’ and I am sorry.
.-= Deidre´s last blog ..End The Funeral With A Wedding =-.
Erin @ One Particular Kitchen says:
I’m so sorry you’re having an especially hard day, Mama. Much love and hugs to you and your girls.
.-= Erin @ One Particular Kitchen´s last blog ..Homemade Irish cream =-.
~Michelle~ says:
Heather, you’re always in my thoughts and prayers.
MrsP says:
aaww Heather I’m so sorry. It sucks for us to read that you feel so sad I hope you feel better. You are a very strong woman and both of your daughters are proud of you mama!
.-= MrsP´s last blog ..One down many many more to go =-.
Shannon Kieta says:
Just know that everything you feel is normal. That saying that time makes it easier is a crock of crap! My sister has been gone a year in Janurary and the pain is still there like it was yesterday. I couldn’t even imagine losing a child. Dear God, Heather, if I could say or do anything…I would. You are an inspiration to me. I think I would have been swallowed under the current if it were me. You have found the strength to go on. I admire you for that!
.-= Shannon Kieta´s last undefined ..If you register your site for free at =-.
Tracy says:
Always thinking of you..
Katie in WI says:
Thank you for writing, for always writing what you’re thinking and feeling.
Lynnette says:
I can’t imagine the conflicting emotions you deal with every day. The pain of missing Maddie and the joy of little Annie. Sending virtual hugs your way.
Frances says:
Hi Heather,
Your story and what you all went through was horrible. I’m a mom to a 20 month old girl and I cannot see my life without her in it. However, you have another blessing in your life, your daughter Annabel. At least you could get pregnant again and hold another child in your arms.
Not the case with me; I had a completely normal and healthy pregancy and my daughter was born healthy and still is, but I can’t have any more children. I had to have a hysterechtomy right after my baby was boirn because I was going to die from a hemmorhage. So, I’ll say to you, be thankful for Maddie, and for the wonderful things you are doing now and advocating and being involved in that maybe wouldn’t even cross your mind if Maddie was still here.
Enjoy your new little one and thank God for this 2nd opportunity to be a mother.
Lastly, thank Maddie for making you the woman that you are now, and thank her for being in your life and for drastically changing it in such a short time.
Blessings to you all,
Frances
.-= Frances´s last blog ..Breathing is just the first step =-.
Candice says:
I still think of Maddie often and the unfairness of it makes me so mad, then just sad. So, I can’t even imagine what you must still be going through. I hope it helps you to know your family is still in my prayers…all the way in MI.
.-= Candice´s last blog ..Snip, Snip, Snip =-.
Glenda says:
Heart wrenching Heather! Tears 🙁 Sending you, Mike and Annabel big hugs…. XXX
rachel says:
It is only natural that you feel these two very different feelings…grief and joy…because Maddie and Annie are two different people! I know that Maddie continues to bring you smiles daily when you realize how loved she is, but it is only natural that you miss her, how could you not? And Annie is the sweetest baby, but how could you not wonder what her life would be like with Maddie by her side? I am impressed by your strength and am so happy that you are able to share with everyone when you need a hand.
mel says:
I miss Maddie too.
Jen says:
Many hugs.
.-= Jen´s last blog ..weekly winners, volume 49 =-.
Karen says:
You have two daughters and you love them both with every bit of your heart and soul. It’s just that one of them got taken off this Earth and out of this life way, way, way too soon and it sucks beyond what most of us have to only imagine.
You speak so much and so freely here of your unconditional and great love for both of your daughters. And I think the ‘best you can do’ that you are doing probably every moment is pretty damned excellent.
We will be here in our way for you and for Mike for the terrible and awful anniversary that is coming up. We will honor Maddie’s life with you and we will wear purple.
Danielle says:
*Hugs* Thinking about you and your family!
.-= Danielle´s last blog ..The Happiness Project Week 3 =-.
Rebecca says:
big ole cyberhugs.
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..Kelly Corrigan =-.
april in NJ says:
aw shit. nothing i say will make anything better… but i’m thinking of you, Mike, Annie, and Maddie. Why does life have to suck so much for some people? it just ain’t fair. it just ain’t fair. we’re here and we’re holding on with you Heather… never forget that.
Marti from Michigan says:
Heather/Mike – when you said Maddie was in an urn, tears filled my eyes too. But…..then I thought of “I Dream of Jeannie”, it’s an old TV series, your parents may remember, about a female Genie who lived in an urn!
I am not religious at all, but I do believe in God and Jesus, and I do go to church regularly and read The Bible. I know that Maddie is in Heaven, I know it for absolute 100% sure. Babies do not go anywhere else, because they cannot sin. I know too that ALL of us have a soul, and Maddie’s body may be in that urn, but her soul is with God.
Maddie is like a Genie in the urn. Her little soul dances on flowers as butterflies, her little soul is in the waves on the ocean, her little soul is in your presence, though you cannot see her, she is there watching over you and Mike, watching over Annabel. If you’ve ever blown on a dandelion that has become silver, all the little seeds fly away in the air, that too is part of Maddie’s little soul. Maddie was part of the pink and purple sunset you shared with us awhile back. I highly believe in that.
I do not watch Ghost Whisperer, because I do not believe in ghosts. But I do believe that God knows how important our loved one was to us on this earth, and that God in his love, grace and goodness, lets us see glimpses of our loved ones now and then. It is happening to me and my siblings, with my parents. A little glimpse of that is – after we buried my father, I had to go back to work that very day. When I and my siblings were little, my father would draw characters from the comics on our lunch bags for school. He did this often. After I got out of work that day, I went out to get in my car, and noticed some strange cloud formations in a clear sky. One of the formations was actually in the shape of Scooby Doo’s head and face. I’m not joking. I looked at that and got such comfort, and thought right away that dad was drawing his comic characters in the sky.
It’s Maddie for sure when these things happen for you.
I still pray for all of you. MAJOR HUGS from Michigan where it is still winter!
Giselle says:
Heather,
You and Mike are so strong. I can’t even begin to tell you how much you inspire people every single day or how much those same people wish until it hurts that things had been different for Maddie.
It’s ok to cry and it’s ok to be sad. But it’s also ok to be happy and to be grateful for what you have. Annie is incredibly special and she will bring you the joy that you so very much deserve.
Giselle
Mary says:
Oh Heather! I’m filled with sorrow for you. You are in an un-enviable position: having complete joy and complete sorrow at the same time.
I think of all 4 of you daily with love….
.-= Mary´s last blog ..Being Auntie M… =-.
Debby says:
I am so sorry. I can’t imagine how I would deal with such extreme sadness and extreme happiness in my heart. Keeping balance between your two girls who live in two different places.
I think about you and Mike all the time. My prayers are always with you. ((HUGS))
.-= Debby´s last blog ..SO WHAT DID YOU DO LAST MONDAY? =-.
Tifani says:
No words… just prayers from one mother to another.
Krissa says:
Even though we don’t ‘know’ each other, I thought about you today after I left my first comment. I remembered your words. I spoke about you and Maddie to friends of mine. And I know that means something to you and so I wanted you to know. (((Hugs))) and love to you and your family – always. I wish I had more to give….
anymommy says:
Love to you and your two daughters. I hate that they are not both there for you to hold and love.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..Too Much =-.
Libby says:
I don’t know what to say, but after reading your post from a few days ago, I want to say something. I am so sorry for you. It’s awful that Madeline is gone and my heart hurts for you.
I think Annabel is lucky to have you for a mom and I’m glad you have her in your life.
Christy says:
I’m so sorry. I’m sure you get tired of hearing that, but I know there is nothing anyone can say to make anything better…ever. It always amazes me how you can put into words exactly how I am feeling. I wish I were so eloquent.
Warmly,
Christy
.-= Christy´s last blog ..Awesome Quilt =-.
Colleen says:
We are all here to help you multiple your joys and divide your sorrows.
I hope that by writing you feel in your heart the support we offer to help you bear this heartache, if only for a single moment longer. We are here for you whenever you need us, whatever it takes.
Love, peace and strength. Always.
.-= Colleen´s last blog ..Getting My Bitch On. =-.
Katrina says:
It’s just awful. It really is awful that you have to go on without your Maddie. Although it’s true that you have her sweet memories, and that she is always with you “in spirit” — that is just not good enough. Not good enough at all. Because she should be here. And while it’s true that you have your beautiful Annabel now who brings you joy, smiles, happiness…and snuggling up to her each day will help to fill the hole that Maddie left, it still doesn’t fill the hole completely. It’s true that you will always miss your first daugther and she should be there with you, and it’s so darn wrong and unfair. I wish I had some words of comfort but I guess I’m pretty lame that way because right now, all I can feel is the unfairness of it all. And I just feel for you, you know, becaue I can *almost get it — Maddie being gone is so permanent, and I can understand how that thought could overwhelm you with grief. I know it would me. I’m very sorry, so sorry you don’t have her there with you. Annabel does make life worth living, and she is perfect and beautiful and brings you new joy. But even she doesn’t correct what is wrong.
You are getting up out of bed each day and taking care of your sweet Annie, you are finding the joys in life, you are talking about your sadness and your fears instead of keeping it all inside, you are being a wife and a mother and a friend, and you are helping other parents out there with your insight and your foundation. I know there is technically no “right” way to grieve, but if there was, I believe your’s would be it.
I’m thinking of you today, thinking of Maddie like always, and wishing you peace.
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..Heaven has a new angel today …. =-.
Tricia (irishsamom) says:
Oh Heather. I wish I could take away the hurting for you. But I can’t. I can’t come close to imagining. My son (7) and I were driving somewhere today when the song, “Single Ladies”, came on the radio. He loves that song and immediately said : “Remember little Maddie that got sick, she liked this song too right”? I had tears in my eyes right then thinking of you and her and wondering how you do it – how could you do it? I wish I could answer that because there isn’t an answer – you can’t do it but you have to. My children have been so touched by your little girl. They see her face on my blog and always ask for you and your new baby and keep her in their list of favourite people who are angels every night. It’s like we never met her and she has touched our lives in unimaginable ways. Mostly, she has reminded me of the fragility of life and how much I need to tell my children that I love them over and over and over.
Sweet Heather, I wish I had something to say that would make it feel a little better, a little lighter. I can only hug you from afar, keep you in my heart and think of Maddie too.
Much love to you and Mike and precious Annie. She is gorgeous, gorgeous, just like your beautiful Madeleine.
Love and hugs,
Tricia xxx
.-= Tricia (irishsamom)´s last blog ..Singleness of Purpose =-.
mythoughtsonthat says:
I get it.
Faith….Hope….Love….Peace.
.-= mythoughtsonthat´s last blog ..Fifty =-.
Becky Mochaface says:
I miss her too. Whenever I see a little girl in purple I think of her. And you.
.-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..The Next Chapter =-.
Amy says:
I wish you didnt have to wonder what it would be like. The whole thing just f*cking sucks.
Debi Powell says:
Its completely ok to be consumed with grief about precious Maddie….. and be so full of joy with the birth of a healthy full term baby. Sometimes you can be overwhelmed by both at the same time…. your heart can sort it out and in the end finish with joy that you’re holding Annabel.
I wish you had both girls in your arms. You know the world is grieving with you about Maddie…. and rejoicing with you too, about Annabel! 🙂
Hugs
Jennifer says:
It is so wrong that you have to go on without Maddie. So incredibly wrong.
I’m sure Annie brings you incredible joy and your heart must be full of love for her…but how hard it must be to constantly have two polar opposite emotions swirling in your very being every day.
And, who would expect anything less?
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Friends… =-.
jessica b says:
i’m sending you love today.
I wish there was something more I could do. I think about Maddie everyday, and you, and Mike, and Annabel. I think about what a perfect family you should be and how it’s never going to be perfect for you again.
So, I’m doing all I can think to do and I’m sending you love today.
amy says:
I miss Maddie and I never knew her! I think of her often and wonder myself how she would be taking her role as big sister. Life is so unfair yet at the same time so amazing as we see with Annie. There are no words to express how sorry i am! Maddie will never be forgotten!! xxxxx
Karin says:
lots of love and hugs to your family
Colleen says:
More hugs going your way… I can’t even imagine the pain you’re feeling. I can say that Annie and Maddie are SO very lucky to have such a wonderful mommy that loves them as much as you do.
Deborah says:
I have no other words, than that I’m thinking of you and praying that you can have some peace in the midst of your sadness.
(((hugs)))
.-= Deborah´s last blog ..Bleeding Heart =-.
Amanda says:
Heather,
My heart weeps for you. I can not even imagine.. I hope I never do.. I feel so selfish typing those words. All I can offer is my sympathy and hope that you can find some peace each day in your wonderful memories of Maddie and all the new ones you are creating with Annie.
Amanda M. says:
So many mixed emotions. I’m so amazed that you can handle it, and so sad that you don’t have any other choice.
Catherine says:
Heather,
My heart goes out to you and Mike. I think of you often and hope that you get through these tough times. You are so blessed to have Annabel and Mike and your family, but I know that there will be days that can be so hard.
Thinking of you,
Catherine
Kim ~ CraftyMamaof4 says:
big huge ((hugs))
.-= Kim ~ CraftyMamaof4´s last blog ..National Napping Day ~ My Kind of Holiday! =-.
Dana says:
I have such a hard time getting through entries like this because they make me think about what I would do if I lost my daughter, who is almost two. I would die. I honestly truly think that I would die. I wish I was being dramatic, but I don’t think so.
I don’t know how you do it. How you get up everyday and keep on keeping on. How you are able to take care of another baby and write and not be in a bad mood or constantly pissed off at life and not just want to crawl up and shrivel.
You are such an inspiration. I write about how losing my mom was the worst thing that I ever happened to me, but you have gone through so much more. I admire you and so many others do. You give me hope. Thank you.
.-= Dana´s last blog ..Phat =-.
Jenna says:
Sending you so much love and support… I can only imagine the intense emotion of both grief for Maddie and gratitude for Annie. Thank you for continuing to allow us to be present in your journey…
Dawn says:
I think saying that you missed EVERYTHING was the correct answer.
Sending HUGS your way!
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..my forgotten smile…and a WHOLE lot of stressors =-.
Laura says:
I don’t know where to start. This post knocked the wind right out of me…. especially the line about both of your girls being in your room with you…. It is just not right. You deserve to be holding both of them in your arms. Your Madeline should be here laughing and shrieking with delight, not in that beautiful urn.
I am so sorry and I truly wish I could take some of your pain away. I really, really do.
I am so grateful that you have your blog as your outlet. I am so happy for you that you have such a supportive and wonderful husband, and so many friends, and an amazing family to lean on. Thank goodness for all of those things, because without that support network, this heartbreak would be even worse (if that is at all possible).
I won’t tell you that I am so happy you had your angel for 17 months. Because of course I am, and I know that you cherished each and every day with that sweet baby girl. I won’t say that because I won’t try to fix it or make it better. You have taught me that.
I will say that we all (even those strangers who only know you through the internet) are pulling for you, we love your little girls, and we wish you all nothing but the best. We know how much you adored Madeline Alice, and how you deserve to have had her to love for your entire life.
Please keep talking, keep writing, keep reaching out to your loved ones. You are such an amazing mother and person and there are so many people who love you so much and will help to keep your precious baby’s memory alive forever.
((Hugs and prayers for you today and always))
Robin says:
Prayers. And such a big hug.
Kymmi says:
I can offer no wisdom, no hope, nothing worth … anything. But I will say that I didn’t know Maddie but through you and your blog, and I think about her almost every day. I am so happy that Annabel is here, and alive and perfect and everything a baby should be. But nothing will ever make sense when children like Maddie are missing from this world.
She lives in all of our memories because you shared her with us. I wish I could share something as profound with you.
Kayla says:
All I can offer are my internet words of unconditional love and comfort to you babe. I am so, so sorry Maddie is not here today. So incredibly, unbelievably sorry.
We all miss her. Not like you, but we all love her, and we all miss her. But thank you for sharing her with us – I feel honored to “know” Maddie, and I believe one of the very best ways you can honor her is just simply talking about her, every single day. After all, you are her mother, and that’s what a mother does – brag about her amazing, incredible children.
Tracey says:
I am so sorry you lost your Maddie. I hurt for you, not even knowing you. I am glad you have your Annabel and that joy for her can somehow exist alongside your sorrow for Maddie.
.-= Tracey´s last blog ..The ‘Like Usual’ Story =-.
Jackie says:
I love you.
Michelle W says:
There are just no adequate words, but I do want you to know I physically ache for all of you and I still have troubles working it out in my head, that someone who radiates joy in all of her pictures and videos could possibly be gone….
I cry for all of you, and if I could I would hug you too.
Guilt has no place in your life, you are amazing, loving and you exemplify the kind of mother I strive to be (but fall pretty short!)
Much love
Mama Kat says:
I hear stories about mothers who become so distant after losing a child that they are never fully present for the children left behind.
My first reaction is usually that I can’t imagine not forcing myself to carry on and turning to my surviving children with all the attention in the world. I would never be that Mom.
And then reality sets in as I look at my kids and I think, “how could I ever? I could never.” I would mourn them forever.
It’s a helpless feeling reading your blog and not being able to help you…but I feel like I kind of deserve that considering what you’re going through.
Maria says:
I love you Heather.
.-= Maria´s last blog ..things we eat for around $10 =-.
Lydia says:
God bless your heart.
I can only imagine how conflicting your feelings are. Hell, I don’t think I can even imagine. You’re going to be grieving for a long time and that in NO WAY means you don’t love Annabel with your whole heart.
I am just so, so sorry. I have no right words.
Lynn says:
I’m so sorry.
I’ve been following your blog for awhile now and feel guilty for not commenting on anything until now.
I think of you and your family every single day.
Savannah says:
I’m so, so sorry for your pain.
I’m also so sorry (and angry at the workplace) to learn that Mike lost his job while away on bereavement leave.
Unbelievable.
I’m not going to tell you to ‘hang in there’, because that’s trite and useless. Just know that your pain is heard.
Amanda (Garibay Soup) says:
Heather,
There really are no words for the pain you are feeling. I want you to know that even though I’m not a regular commenter here, I do keep you in my prayers ~ I didn’t get to know Maddie until her 2nd Birthday. That post you wrote to her has stuck in my heart every, single day. I took the time to treasure my little miracle that much more. I almost lost my daughter and sadly I did lose her big sister, and I’ve thought exactly what you thought… I’m sleeping in my room with both of my daughter’s, yet one of them is in an urn {in my case it was an urn necklace} and in my case an urn necklace that got flushed down the toilet by my toddler *sigh* Since then I’ve had to remind myself that even though some of my daughter’s ashes are gone… she still in that room every night with us and her sister {since she is STILL not in her own room @ the age of 2 LOL}
Okay…. totally rambled, but I just want you to know that even though I’m just another commenter, and not a blog/twitter friend that you really know I do keep you in my prayers, and Annie, and Maddie ~ and I like to think that Maddie & Layla Grace & Cora all hang out with my Mya, because they’re all such awesome babies <3
.-= Amanda (Garibay Soup)´s last blog ..WFMW ~ Double Toddler Trouble =-.
Lucy says:
I couldn’t read this post without reaching out to give you big warm internet (((HUGS))). You are a fabulous mummy. And even miles away in Canada, Maddie is often in my thoughts and every picture of her that you post makes me smile. I hope some solace can be felt that so very many people around the world love your family.
.-= Lucy´s last blog ..The learning curve of motherhood =-.
gorillabuns says:
you can grieve yet love in the next breath. The love doesn’t take away the grief and grief doesn’t diminsh the love.
but what the hell do i know. to me all of it seems just like pointless words.
Morgan @ The818 says:
I only recently found your blog (I was so taken my Maddie’s face showing up on my BlogHer bar, I had to know who she was) and I am so, so sad that she’s not there enjoying Annabel with you.
The way you talk about Maddie though…it just solidifies for me how strong Mommy-love is. Wherever Maddie is, I know she can feel it. That’s an incredible thing.
Amie says:
I am one of those people that says nothing because I don’t know what to say. But I came across your site shortly after Maddie died and I have shed many tears for you and your husband. Maddie had such vivacity in her eyes and her smile. I cannot help but smile when I see her pictures. My favorite little cousin died when she was 2 and that was 20 years ago and I still hurt. Her eyes had the same vivacity as Maddie’s.
I’m so excited to watch Annabel grow with you.
HUGS
Al_Pal says:
Huge *HUGS*.
I’m so sorry that you are missing your angel Madeline.
I’m so glad you have Annabel to hold, and love, and breathe for.
*hugs*