I started to write this post with the intention of writing about something Annie and I did this weekend. I went back through some pictures looking for a certain one to help tell the story. Then I came across a picture of my Madeline that took my breath away.

Last week my therapist asked me what I miss the most about Maddie. I didn’t know how to answer. I miss EVERYTHING. I miss her smile, her smell. I miss her dirty diapers and her smelly food. I miss her kisses and hugs and curls and her dirty fingers and her laugh. I miss everything.

I wonder what she’d be thinking. What her interests would be. I wonder what she’d really think of her sister. Would she be jealous or would she be excited to spend time with her?

The other night I was laying in bed, Annie in her bassinet next to me, and I realized that I was sleeping in a room with both of my girls. Except Maddie is in an urn.

This life is so hard. I get overwhelmed by how much I miss her. I still don’t know what I’m going to do without her. When I think about how much it hurts…and I know that it will never stop hurting this much…I don’t even know how to finish this sentence. The right words don’t exist.

A year ago, my life was perfect. I was staying home with Maddie, Mike had his great job, we were moving forward with our plan for another baby and a hopeful move from a condo into a house. And then one Tuesday it was all taken away. I was a stay at home mom with no child. Mike’s position was eliminated while he was on bereavement leave. We didn’t want to move from the home Maddie lived in. It’s hard not to get swallowed up by it all.

I have been feeling guilty. I am so thankful for my Annabel. She gives me a reason to breathe every day. But I realized that I can be thankful for her and still be terribly sad about Madeline. These conflicting emotions swirl around in me constantly.

Some days it’s more than I can bear.