I feel like I’m always on the brink of tears, but I never know what’s going to push me over the edge. I watch the news about other families who have lost kids, and I think, “This is where I would normally be crying.” But then I’ll see a story about a woman in her 80s who graduated from college with her grandson, and I bawl for 20 minutes. Or I’ll cry because my plant died, or that an event was canceled, or at a detergent commercial. But reading about a friend’s loss, or hearing “Single Ladies” on the radio? My eyes stay dry.
We’ve been at my parents’ house the last few days. On Sunday my brother, aunt, cousin, and her boyfriend came to my parents’ house for a BBQ. It was nice to be with my family, but I couldn’t get past who was missing. And the fact that no one talked about her, or even spoke her name. It’s Madeline. Madeline.
Watching the news on Memorial Day, my mom commented on President Obama’s hair, which is decidedly more salt-and-pepper than it was at his inauguration in January. “Can you believe how quickly stress can do that to a person?” she asked. Yes, I can. The stray gray hairs I’d find every now and then have given way to clusters of white. White hairs. I’ve advanced beyond gray. I’m so ahead of the curve.
At my parents’ house their front doors have glass windows along the top. My dad loved to take Maddie all around the house, and if they found a window they would usually go outside and peer through the glass at the rest of us. I was walking through the front doors when something caught my eye. The sun was shining just right.
Her tiny partial hand print, from one of her many adventures with her Bampa.
That made me cry.
Jenny says:
Heather … I have not commented here before but found you from Matt and Maddy’s site. I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss and the deep pain that engulfs you. Your Maddy is a beautiful girl and it’s nice to see that her handprint has been left on this world. Not just methaphorically but literally in this case! God Bless you and your husband.
Kristen says:
You aren’t alone, baby. Etruscans used to collect tears in small clay jars for some esoteric spiritual reason I cannot recall but remember liking. Maybe we should find you one.
Still hoping to find some time to talk to you. You have my number. I’m flexy. Text me or call me any time you feel like it.
I love you,
Kristen (Gunther… you know more Kristens than I ever did!)
Backpacking Dad says:
Those hand prints are on a lot of hearts too.
Backpacking Dad’s last blog post..Childbirth Doesn’t Break Your Funny Bone or Your Sappiness Ligament
Magda says:
Love to you and Mike, I wish there was more I could say or do. Thinking and praying for you often.
mrs bn says:
That made *me* cry. Still thinking of you every day. My daughter said ‘mama who is that beautiful baby?’ I said Madeleine. That’s Madeleine and she said. Wow. She has the bestest hair!
mrs bn’s last blog post..Someone found my blog today
Jane says:
I don’t know how or where you get the strength. I cried seeing this. I have followed Maddie’s story on the web, and she was a precious little girl with the most amazing eyes and smile. I hope you and others will continue to speak her name loud and with all the enthusiasm for her life and grief for its end that will keep her memory honored and living.
Jane’s last blog post..The Elephant Woman
Katrina says:
Oh…that handprint.
Gosh, I can only imagine how much that hurt to see.
What a sweet, sweet handprint.
(((Heather)))
Just wish I could do or say something to ease the ache in your heart.
Regarding the family BBQ — people are afraid of hurting you further by bringing up your sadness. They don’t want to mention Maddie because they are afriad it will bring you to tears, make you cry….when at the moment you seem to be doing “fine” so no one wants to disrupt that.
I know, it sucks. But that’s how people think.
Katrina’s last blog post..Up Late — Yet Again
CB says:
You have incredible strength and I am so very very sorry for your loss. Your maddy is beautiful and will never be forgotten.
Jessi says:
That made me cry as well!
I think it was a sign from her and from God. While everyone was avoiding her name there she was rigth with you! She probably wants everyone to talk about her, about her beauty, what a awesome little gril she was, about the adventures she went on…
I am praying for you!
Jessi’s last blog post..It’s raining, it’s pouring…..
Krissa says:
I am so sorry that nobody talked about Maddie around you. Maybe after they read this, they’ll know it’s ok to talk about her in front of you any time…or maybe they didn’t feel able to talk about her because they thought they’d crumble themselves…. :I’m just really sorry. And I’m very sorry you stumbled on her little hand print the way you did. Maddie is in my thoughts so many times every day. And so are you, Mike and your family. (((Hugs))).
laurie says:
My friend lost her 8-year-old son to brain cancer this weekend and I feel so bereft for her and for all of you who have lost little ones. It seems like it’s everywhere I look lately. I walked in the March for Babies here in Maryland after hearing Maddie’s story (a person with a cleft lip/palate myself, your story was enough to push me over the edge to do it. It was a wonderful experience and I will support from now on.)
Grief is a strange and terrible and unpredictable thing. The only things I can wish for you are support and love and the space to feel how you feel, and also to share that with the people around you so you can get what you need from them too. And when that fails I hope it helps to know that many in this online universe will always give you room to speak and hear Maddie’s name when you need to.
laurie’s last blog post..I Want to Save Your Life (Fatass.)
Kelly says:
Wow – the handprint is both beautiful and oh, so heartbreaking all over again…
When my father-in-law was sick last year, my husband flew to visit him. A day later I got a phone call saying that he felt that he wouldn’t make it, and that I should get on a plane immediately. I bawled my eyes out the entire way over. When he passed away a couple of days later I couldn’t cry. At his funeral, I couldn’t cry. On his birthday, I couldn’t cry. On random dates and times – taking a shower, cooking dinner, etc – I would cry. Anytime that it seemed wholly appropriate to, it didn’t come. I felt like I WANTED to cry, but it just wouldn’t happen. I understand the feeling of this is when I should, this is when I shouldn’t, and everything seems all opposite to how it should be (and I mean everything going back way before the crying and non crying).
I mourn him for my husband. I mourn him as an amazing father-in-law. I mourn him as an amazing person. Mostly, I mourn him for my daughter – I was six months pregnant when he passed away. She will never know how amazing her grandfather really is – she will only know the stories. I hurt for her. I also hurt that he never got to meet the grand daughter that he was so excited for.
So yes – I understand the whens/ifs/whats, but I could never begin to comprehend the ‘how much’.
I think you should tell your family that you need to hear her name. You need to speak about her. It is worse – far worse – to avoid the subject because it would feel like people are acting like she never existed. But she did. She was here. She was everywhere. Her handprints are everywhere – visible or not. She is so firmly imprinted on you all, and that should never be ignored.
I wish I weren’t half a world away – I want to wrap you all up in my arms and cry with you at all the wrong times… Instead, I will send you my love.
Kelly’s last blog post..Things are definitely looking up!
Noelle says:
My cousin died four years ago and even though she and I were raised like sisters and it broke my heart into a zillion pieces, whenever I speak to my aunt I hesitate to bring her up. I know there are days my aunt is so heartbroken at the loss of her daughter that she can’t mention her name, and other days she needs to talk about her. I let her take the lead because I don’t want her to hurt any more than she already is, even after all this time.
As for Maddie’s handprint on the window…it’s so achingly beautiful, a wave to mama, a record of her existence. That little handprint is etched indelibly on my heart, and I never even knew her.
Noelle says:
I meant to add that I’m thinking of you and Mike daily, always keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Kylie says:
Maddie left that handprint there for you. It was meant to be found! Hope you are both doing ok!
Maddie says:
Hello both again,
I sit here at my cold, dark window, the desk lamp on and my Molton Brown candle lit behind me for Maddie and you both and I wonder why your family didn’t talk about her?
I wonder why people feel afraid to mention someone’s name who has passed?
I wonder what would happen if ‘Maddie would…’ have popped out? Would they have clapped their hand over their mouth with a look of horror? Apologised, blushed, cried or tried to cover it up.
Grief is nothing to be ashamed of, we have moved on from locking people away as they did in Victorian times, wearing head to toe black. While it is an intense, private, gut-wrenching feeling, it is also so visible. In grey hairs, dark rings around your eyes, pinched and sad mouths and sudden weight loss or weight gain. How people deal with grief depends on so many things: being given the space to rant at the world; having someone holding your hand when you need it; being left alone; being accompanied. Getting the space and people around you right takes time, effort and communication. Being able to say, ‘I can’t deal with you right now, but that is me and you know in a couple of hours I maybe able to have this conversation….’ is a big brave thing to do.
People are not going to know your triggers, because you can’t label them yourselves, the handprint will get a lot of people, and I expect it will stay there for a while as they will not be able to wash it off. Not saying her name was probably as much a preservation for them as it was their best intentions for you, but I am still surprised at it.
You may need to start talking about her if you are ready, you won’t predict the outcome, you may dissolve completely, you may be fine and grin. You will never know, but I am willing to bet that most people are waiting for you to indicate you can bear hearing her name. Strangers anyway, your family should try to talk about her, I think. But I am not them, so I don’t know their reasons.
On another note – I do find it odd that I am emailing you, who named your daughter the same as my name. Madeline, spelt the way it is on my birth certificate, even shortened to the Maddie, the way it is now spelt on my driving licence and passport. I’ve only ever met 4 other Madelines, and not one of them spelt it the same way.
It took me a long time to like my name, I never felt it suited me growing up, but over the past 4 or 5 years (I am now 34) I fully embraced being Maddie as I found myself. Your beautiful little girl got it from day one.
Much love, Maddie xx
Maddie’s last blog post..Owee
Pgoodness says:
Backpacking dad said it best.. Her handprints are everywhere
Pgoodness’s last blog post..Wordless(-ish) Wednesday
Melodi says:
We love you and we talk about Maddie all the time. Not a single day has gone by that we do not think about Maddie, you, and mike. You are in our prayers and Maddie will not be forgotten
Melodi’s last blog post..Climbing kids!
Al_Pal says:
*tearing up* *sniff* Gah.
Madeline really did leave her print on the world! I think of her and you and Mike all the time. I’ve been looking for purple clothes. I had noticed, even before April, that my closet did not have enough purple. Once I learned about Maddie, I’ve been more aware, and really looking for it. I found a great purple skirt just a few days ago, and have worn it twice already, thinking of you all. I finally got my first pedicure of 2009, and I chose purple polish in honor of Maddie.
I’m telling you this, not to make it all about me, but to let you know that Maddie is affecting my life, daily, in very tangible ways. That she is being thought of, and cared about, and that you & Mike are in my thoughts often. *HUGS*
Mindy says:
What a beautiful reminder that your daughter is with you wherever you go.
amanda says:
I think, in terms of people who won’t say her name – they just don’t know what to say. They don’t want to upset you – but I’m sure when they are not around you, they talk about her all the time, missing her so much.
And as for the handprint – that made ME cry – so I can’t imagine how it felt for you – I truly can’t imagine. Sweet Maddie.
xo from CT,
Amanda
PS I realize how useless this comment is – really, of no help at all – but I just want you to know we’re all out here listening.
amanda’s last blog post..weekend. recap.
Jamie says:
She was there… saying hi.
*hugs*
Jamie’s last blog post..Ask Jamie: Naming the Twins
Barbara Howard says:
A close friend, whose youngest son was the same age as my own son, lost him when he was 13. He went to school one summer morning, and for reasons never fully explained, the athletic, tall, good-looking boy who was already heading for 6′ tall dropped dead at lunch, in the midst of a teasing (non-contact, unless you count peanut butter) food fight.
She taught me so much in her grief, most especially that she still and *always* wanted to hear his name, often! TOM! He existed. His life mattered! We remember him!
I didn’t know that. I was like so many others…not knowing where her heart was, where they were in their grief, what to say. I loved them. I missed Tom! My son missed his friend! But did I dare inflict *my* grief on them with the mention of his name?
I think that somehow, sharing grief, even with the certain knowledge that mine can never match theirs, makes the burden somewhat lighter for us all. Still, it opens a wound, even for me, so it’s difficult to begin the conversation.
I hope you understand, Heather, that even those people who love you best can be wary of speaking Madeline’s name, because of those awkward and painful feelings. It doesn’t diminish their pain or yours, though, so perhaps you can tell them that you want them to talk about her.
Fairly Odd Mother says:
{{{hugs to you}}}
Fairly Odd Mother’s last blog post..A Potty Party
Casey says:
Of course.
My mother always has a hard time washing those tiny handprints off of the sliding glass doors, etc., all over her house when we visit. It is such a visceral, almost tangible reminder of the little people who made them.
Your family will follow your lead if you keep talking about Maddie, I’m sure. They are probably not sure what to do around you and Mike, and most of us think it is easier to deal with the pain if we don’t even say the words.
When my grandmother died, her house, which had ALWAYS been “Grandma’s House,” suddenly became “Grandpa’s House.” I mean, instantly and silently, we all just made this switch that never ever felt right in the four years following that we called it “Grandpa’s House.” But it seems instinctual to make that change, to help deal with (or avoid, possibly) reality.
Let everyone know, by talking and writing about Maddie, that that’s how to handle it. They will all probably be relieved and happy to be able to talk about her around you.
Casey’s last blog post..Rejected! Part One
charlane says:
Madeline is and will be around you forever. You will see her in a flower you pass in a garden, or a book in a store, or in the face of a stranger who has her cair color and blue eyes. That is simply her way of letter you know that she is there withyou, although you will never get over the loss of your baby, and you will always miss her, eventually the reminders will be happier for you and mya even bring a memory and a smile. You and Mike are always in my thoughts and prayers.
charlane’s last blog post..Keelyn Hearts Mommy too!
Kim says:
I love that her mark is everywhere – that it’s even still photographable. What a beautiful picture. Not as beautiful as the girl who left it, but beautiful nonetheless.
eden says:
Heather that post broke my heart. I can only imagine what you must feel.
I continue to hold both you and Mike up in my heart and mind … often. Every day I think of you and wonder how you are and whisper some sweet words to you from across the ocean.
XOXOXOXOX
Amanda says:
Heather-
I’m so sorry that no one talked about Maddie at the BBQ. I’m with others – I think that people just know what to say and everything seems fine when in fact its so far from the true.
I’m hopeful that there will be a day when Maddie’s name and memory are joyously discussed, for you. AND Mike. I hope that time is so soon.
Its those hidden, unexpected reminders that bring you to your knees
I know this is in no way the same but, while we were out eating Sunday I heard over the speakers the first song you used in Maddie’s tribute video and I just couldn’t yet smile, instead tears filled my eyes and thought that it how hard it is to find those hidden memories.
Thoughts again today from Georgia.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
I agree with Amanda…I wish everyone at the BBQ had mentioned what was on everybody’s mind: Maddie.
Thinking of you, thinking of you, thinking of you…
Lynn from For Love or Funny’s last blog post..Nobody’s home
kristen says:
you take beautiful pictures…and maddie, she lived a beautiful and unforgettable life. backpacking dad is so right – she is still leaving her mark on the hearts of many in this world. Maddie makes me rethink the way i live, learn, and love. i wish she were here with you more than anything, but her legacy – for me – it is so real.
xxoo, kristen
Tricia (irishsamom) says:
Oh Heather, this has got to be so hard. And yes, people need to be celebrating all who Maddie was/is by talking about her. She is very much alive in your hearts and indeed in everyone who has even seen her videos and pictures. I have a close friend who lost her eight month old who said that was the hardest part of it all. People were scared to talk about her, mention her name and laugh about all the memories that they held sacred. She is missing in the physical sense, but I know that you can feel and see evidence that she was here all around you. Painful reminders I am sure, but you need those reminders too. I remember my mother in law not ever cleaning her windows when my little one used to visit, because she loved to see those tiny handprints and never wanted them erased. Maddy has not been erased and she never will be. If only I could help in some way, I’d fly across from the East Coast and come and talk about her until you were hoarse. I know you have good friends who do just that, but maybe someone could remind people for you. That you need to talk about her. Share her. And laugh about her too. She was so full of life and passion, I can’t imagine that there are not many moments of laughter amongst all the sorrow and heaviness you are feeling. I didn’t have the pleasure of knowing your little princess, but she has touched my heart and soul, just looking at her beautiful face and spirit alive in that face.
I feel that it’s just so unfair. You and Mike are such wonderful parents and you had such a wonderful child, so why? I know you must ask this a million times a day, but I ask it for you too. I am a stranger, but your beautiful gift has touched me and changed my heart forever. I will keep mentioning her name if that’s OK. I hope the people you love can learn that it’s OK. And if you like, I can put you in touch with my friend. She has walked this road over three years ago and there has been much healing, but she still loves to talk about her beautiful child, who may be missing in person, but never in spirit.
Maddie is with you Heather. And with her Daddy. I am so so sorry that she is not with you in person, but I know her little spirit is watching over you and wants you to smile when you think of her. She is around you, she will guide you through these terrible moments and be your compass through this impossibly terrible time. Keep your heart up and keep talking about your beautiful, beautiful, baby.
Sending hugs and love from me and my little ones (who are praying fervently every night for you and little Maddie, who captivated them, as she did me. I wish I could help. If there’s anything we CAN do, please let us know. My heart hurts for you and Mike so much.
Tricia (irishsamom)’s last blog post..Taking the Road Less Travelled
Shannon Kieta says:
Heather…
Don’t ever wash that window again!!!! Luv to you sweetheart! You are in my heart always! Shannon
SciFi Dad says:
OK, that even made ME cry.
I am sorry for your loss.
SciFi Dad’s last blog post..Socialization
sam {temptingmama} says:
My heart just sunk. I am so glad you found this tiny hand print.
I too have been struggling to talk about Maddie with you. I worry that something I say will make you cry. I don’t want to make you cry. You’ve seen more tears another should.
I love you!
DesignHER Momma says:
Her prints are everywhere. She touched so many hearts and souls with her little hands. What a beautiful, sweet, simple reminder of her incredible life.
DesignHER Momma’s last blog post..BIG, LARGE, GIGANTIC news
leena says:
Heather,
I’m so glad that partial handprint was there for you to see. You’re whole family is aching at the loss of your daughter and I think everyone is trying to figure out how to deal with it- forgive them for not talking about maddie. And just to remind you – it’s okay to cry, you need to cry and have every right to cry. Iam continuing to think of and pray for you and your entire family. May God uphold each of you! and also remember there’s so many ppl who love you all.
Kellie says:
That picture, and this post, made me cry. One thing I’ve struggled with when someone we love passes away is that people seem almost afraid to mention their name. That if they do, they will insult those around them or make them cry. I WANT people to mention the person; it helps keep their memory alive and their spirit with us.
I think of you and Mike every day. Every. Single. Day.
Kellie’s last blog post..Not Me Monday
maggie, dammit says:
Oh! Ohhhhhh….
(And yes, what BPD said.)
Karen says:
Light captures magic. Light dances off of unassuming surfaces and highlights what we’d otherwise overlook. Light shines on the tiny details we’re not supposed to miss and reflects them through to our hearts.
Karen’s last blog post..Did you keep your receipt?
Mary Beth says:
Yeah, that made me cry too.
Mary Beth’s last blog post..SECRET INGREDIENT – CHEESE
Jana says:
There’s never enough tears, so keep crying if you have to. Maddie’s hand print is indelible on everyone’s heart. As painful as it is, she wanted you to see that.
Wishing what ever little piece of peace you can get EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Mom Gone Mad says:
This was utterly heartbreaking.
You and Mike are constantly in the thoughts of this stranger. Hang in there, Heather.
p.s. actually, is that just an awful, desperate-sounding thing to say? Hang in there.. like by your last nail. Scratch that. Replace with “here’s a hug for you”.
Mom Gone Mad’s last blog post..Running Away
Kim Wencl says:
Heather – finding Maddie’s handprint is her way of letting you know that she is still a part of your life. That’s how it works. Think about it – how else can she get your attention? These extraordinary events are what I have experienced with my daughter for the past 5-1/2 years. They are what keep me going when I miss her so deeply. Grab onto the handprint and celebrate Maddie.
Kim Wencl’s last blog post..Photo Shoot
Louise says:
wow. Your strength hits me every time I read your blog.
Maddie’s hand prints are on more places than you know. She has touched all of our lives, even those that never met her.
Cute~Ella says:
Her light was coming through for you. Hugs
Cute~Ella’s last blog post..He-Ku?
Lori says:
I’ve never left a comment, but I’ve been a reader of your blog for quite a while. Just wanted you to know that I’ve been thinking of you and praying for you. I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious Maddie.
Many ((((hugs)))) and prayers from SC.
Lori’s last blog post..Memorial Day
Amazing Greis says:
XOXO
Amazing Greis’s last blog post..Weigh-In Wednesday Week 19
Heather says:
Seeing that picture made me cry as well and I never had the good fortune to meet your Maddie. I do think this was Maddie’s way of saying hi- and that she loves you. I think of you and Mike often- you both are in my prayers!
Patty says:
Oh honey I am so sorry Maddie couldn’t be there with you, but I agree with most replies above mine that she is there and that hand print was left there for you! She is with you always, I KNOW that in no way makes you “feel better”, but she IS there. I am so happy she left that print there for you! She loves you and misses you too. Madeline. Beautiful, sweet Madeline. I’m sorry no one said her name, but it is not because they weren’t thinking of her and missing her. Don’t know you IRL, but I love you and Mike, and Madeline!
Patty’s last blog post..It has begun!
PrincessJenn says:
I know things like this are going to make you sad for a long time. But every time you see a reminder of her remember how much she loved you and how lucky she was to have two parents, like you and Mike, who loved her so much back.
xoxoxoxo
PrincessJenn’s last blog post..Identity Crisis
Deidre says:
THe only reason people don’t want to talk about someone who has passed is sometimes they don’t know what to say. They don’t want to upset you. They don’t want to see you in any more pain. They don’t want to be the one to bring it on. So with that said, you have folks here everyday that will talk about Madeline. But you can’t get upset. People just don’t get it. If someone sees you smiling, they are not going to want to alter that mood, even if they don’t know you are screaming inside. This is where the hard part kicks in…Months after a loss. It is terrible and I wish I could sit around and talk about Maddie and death with you. It is one thing, I feel totally comfortable talking about. You were so observant to notice her hand print. That was left there because you needed to see that. It was a silent gift left for you from your daughter. See here essence is still right here right now. I know as the days pass you get even more angrier, more pissed that she is not coming back. Keep writing. I want to know everything about that child. Precious sweet little ball of fire..
Deidre’s last blog post..Home Funerals
moosh in indy. says:
Wah.
7 weeks.
xoxo
moosh in indy.’s last blog post..moosh at indy 500.
Mary says:
She will always find a way to say hi to you and Mike.
In a way, I understand your family avoiding the subject. They are waiting for you to feel comfortable enough to bring up her name. I would guess that many of them are frequently on the verge of tears because of losing Maddie but no one wants to say, “hey, do you think this sucks as bad as I do? Because I really want to scream and throw things right now.” Dealing with another person’s grief makes people feel awkward sometimes. Everyone goes through it differently. Maybe they think if they were in your and Mike’s position, they wouldn’t want to hear her name. If you tell them you want to talk about her, they will probably be happy to. No one can tell anyone else how to get through the grieving process. I had someone tell me that you don’t get over grief, you get through it.
It’s wonderful that you were able to get that picture of her handprint. Your parents will be so very glad you did.
Kellee says:
Just more evidence that she made her mark on the world, sweetheart. Please remember that nobody has forgotten Maddie, especially not your family. People that have not suffered that kind of loss cannot always decide what to do. If you seem to be having a good day, they don’t want to spoil that for you. They don’t want to make you sad. Of course, when is it not always there in the forefront of your mind? That is what they forget. I have been guilty of this myself in the past. It’s not that they don’t care, it’s not that they have forgotten. It is love for you. It is stumbling trying to not hurt someone they love. We all love you.
jen says:
would your parents mind if you remove that window and frame it? because i think it’s absolutely beautiful that madeline left it there for you.
and sad. because that would have thrown me (and did) into a fit of tears.
thinking of you … sending love.
jen’s last blog post..forgotten memories.
Danes says:
Maddie. Moooozer. Madeline. I’ll never stop saying her name I love you.
jodi says:
I’m sorry…
But I wonder…is it possible to pop that pane of glass out and frame it? I think with limited effort, you could do it…just a suggestion. I don’t know if it is one that you want, but still.
Like most people here, we have never met…but your story, your Maddie, has touched me. Touched me so much that every purple flower that I see makes me think of her…thus thinking of you. I pray that somehow, this gets easier for you and for Mike.
Maddie and I share a birthday…maybe that is why I think of her when I see purple flowers…
Hugs to you both, Heather.
XO Jodi
Trisha says:
Heather,
We’re all here to help love you through your pain. You can talk to us about Maddie anytime you want and we’ll be here to listen. The kindness of strangers and friends will help pull you through these first dark months. If you find it hard to lean on Mike or your family, lean on us. Sometimes family is just so afraid to add any more pain to your grief or they are doubled over inside with their own that they stay silent just to make it through the day.
As a stranger who recently came to know you through the MOD and your blog, I have cried daily at each of your new entries. I feel so sad and yet I know I cannot comprehend the pain you or Mike is feeling. I have lost those I loved very deeply, but never experienced the loss of a child. I know in coming to terms with my own grief following the loss of my Dad, talking about him is the only thing that got me out of bed every day. I was afraid not talking about him would mean he never existed.
Madeline has left fingerprints on so many hearts with her amazing life. She will always be alive in your hearts and the hearts of other people as well. Please continue to share your thoughts and emotions with us.
As always I am praying everyday for the grief in your heart to lighten just a little.
(((HUGS))) from Deltona,Florida
Emily says:
I don’t know you, but if I could teleport to be near you just for five minutes I would give you a huge hug. Madeline was lucky in the mom department – you are amazing. I wish she could still be here to enjoy you.
Emily’s last blog post..The bigger picture
Sarah @ Ordinary Days says:
What a beautiful surprise from your little girl. I hope your smiles soon outnumber your tears. I’m sending you hugs and prayers.
Sarah @ Ordinary Days’s last blog post..We Were Soldiers, And We Were Young…And We Were Girls
Babybloomr says:
Madeline. Madeline. Madeline. Madeline. Madeline.
It can never be said enough. She IS remembered by so, so many people who took one look at that face and saw that spirit and loved her too.
Babybloomr’s last blog post..And that’s what I love about the South.
Secret Agent Mama says:
Oh that little hand.
I think about you guys daily.
Secret Agent Mama’s last blog post..Music Makes the People Come Together
cheri says:
i can’t even imagine your pain…i am so sorry for your loss. so very sorry. i pray that in time peace will enter your beautiful hearts. ((HUGS))
tonya says:
I cannot imagine the pain of the loss of a child. It’s something no parent should ever, ever experience. I do know, though, that when we lost my dad to cancer way before his time, we were crushed. And I can relate to the odd feeling of being with my mom and brother and Dad not being mentioned. I don’t know why they didn’t, but I know why I didn’t. I felt as if I could lose it with my friends, my husband, alone in the shower, but not with THEM. Because if I lost it with them, and they lost it too, there may be no coming back. Maybe this is how your family feels? Especially as your parent. As a mother, I cannot imagine watching my baby deal with the worst thing possible in life as I simultaneously try deal with my own feelings of loss. You all remain in my prayers.
catnip says:
I’m sorry no one acknowledged Maddie this weekend. They probably don’t know what to say and instead say nothing. It’s telling that your parents haven’t washed that window though. ((hugs))
catnip’s last blog post..Memorial
annie says:
If no one talks about Madeline, then you talk about her. People are afraid to mention her because they think they will make you feel bad. Madeline will always be forefront in your mind and nothing anyone can say will make you feel worse. Their hearts are in the right place albeit misguided. I learned all this when one of my best friends lost her son. I call her or email anytime something reminds me of her son. She says it’s so good to hear someone talk about him and remember. I love hearing about Madeline and you and all your readers love to talk about her here all the time.
Jen says:
Heather – I finally went to pick out flowers yesterday, to plant in my garden, and while we were there, these fabulous purple and white petunias caught my eye and I thought “oh, wow… Maddie would have loved those.” and now they are planted in my garden. Your little girl left her handprints in more places then windows… more places then you can know. I am so tremendously sorry for your loss and think of you both often.
Jen
Jenn says:
Today, I cried to. I am not a religious person but, I am a spiritual one and I do believe in God. One thing I LOVE about you and Mike is how REAL you! I love that you Don’t make excusses for God, you Don’t Praise him for taking your daughter away and not for one minute do you think He can love her better than you can. I don’t he can either. She belonged and belongs with YOU. I have never seen 2 parents who not only love their child but like and enjoy her as much as you two do. Today, like many others, I cried for you.
I do believe spirit come back. I believe they are constantly reminding us not to forget them and reassuring you they are still there. It was no mistake you found that little hand print….Maddie wanted you to see it. I believe in you and Mike and I believe in Maddie too. If you can’t do that right now…no worries, I’ll believe enough for all of us.
Sending you my best wishes, comforting hugs, and never ending prayers.
Take Care and thanks for writing.
Your Friend,
Jenn
Ms. Moon says:
Maddie, Maddie, Maddie, Maddie.
Her heart, her hands, her smile, her spirit.
I am thinking of all of that.
I am thinking of you and Mike. I am whispering her name to the universe.
Light answers back.
Ms. Moon’s last blog post..Coop De Grace
Melina says:
God that choked me up for a solid 10 minutes. I would want that pane of glass..take it out and bring it home.
I truly don’t know that I could do what you both are doing. It’s like a living nightmare…:(
But you are and I stay in awe of the strength…say it loud and proud…Madeline.
Raging Dad says:
As Backpacking Dad said, Maddie’s hand and life touched many, not just that window. What a wonderful photo; what a loss.
Raging Dad’s last blog post..Ghosts in the photograph
Susan says:
What a beautiful hand print….as hard as it was to see it, you wanted to see it. Your beautiful little girl had been there and her handprint is embedded on so many hearts that didn’t even get the priviledged of knowing her. Tell your family and friends that you need to talk about her, that it is ok. We just don’t get it – we don’t understand how to act when someone is grieving. They mean well – most of us mean well even when we say something dumb I found myself this weekend, way over here in Michigan thinking about your beautiful daughter when I saw a purple piece of pottery – can you imagine that?!!! Your little girl was in my mind at a flee market looking at a piece of pottery. What a sweetheart. Wish I knew you guys and all I can do is offer cyper {hugs}. Sorry, so very sorry.
Katelyn says:
I can feel her spirit in her photos, and I feel it very strongly in that one. She is giving you a sign. I am so sorry for your incredible loss. I think of you all and pray for you daily. She is so beautiful.
Katelyn’s last blog post..i ? faces Week 20-Silhouettes
nic @mybottlesup says:
oh heather… her name is madeline. MADELINE. people will continue talking about her because YOU DO, and you always will.
i’m sorry. i don’t know which would be worse… seeing the glass with or without maddie’s handprint.
what you are going through is unfathomable, and i am so sorry.
my mom and i were talking about you and mike this past weekend. she keeps up with your posts too… in her words, “they have been shredded.”
i’m sorry.
nic @mybottlesup’s last blog post..wordless weekend
Kim Wencl says:
Heather – you need to say Maddie’s name and talk about her – once you start to do that everyone will follow suit. It’s like everyone is waiting for you to say her name. If you don’t they won’t either. When you or Mike say her name you give everyone else permission to say her name too. They have the mistaken belief that saying her name makes it more painful for you – and of course nothing could be farther from the truth. But I understand that mindset because I had it before Liz died. Now when we have family gatherings or holiday get togethers both sides of our family always talk about Liz – we remember the funny things she did or said and it makes her still a part of the family. She’s remembered for the happiness, laughter and joy she brought to our family – the focus is on her life and not her death.
Kim Wencl’s last blog post..Photo Shoot
Midwest Mommy says:
Wow, that would have totally taken me by surprise too and caught me off guard. I am so sorry no one mentioned her name. I can tell you that I too would probably be guilty of not saying a name for fear it would only upset the person who is hurt the most. Since reading blogs and learning so much about grief now I know. I still think about you guys all the time. Yesterday I thought about Maddie when remembering those we have lost.
Midwest Mommy’s last blog post..Do these bags make my butt big? Yes!
Courtney says:
That also made me cry. I can’t begin to imagine how hard that must be to have to “carry” on. Again always in my thoughts and prayers.
Courtney in New York
Courtney’s last blog post..Movie Review (s)
Kim says:
I lost my daughter Hailey (stillborn) and I always find it amazing how they let us know they are still here with us though little signs like this. You were saying how you all know Maddy wasn’t there with you and no one said her name. Well she let you know she was still there even if you couldn’t see her!
I’m so sorry for your loss!
Kim
Debby says:
Oh how I can feel your pain in everyword you type. You poor girl, I just want to hold you in a big bear hug and make it all go away.
Debby’s last blog post..You just have to laugh, we did…..
Colleen says:
I will now look at my baby’s girls hand prints differently. You continue to make me a better mommy.
I’m sorry nobody spoke beautiful Maddie’s name. There is no doubt in my mind that they probably felt like it would upset you. It sounds like you and your parents are very close. Talk to them about it, tell them that speaking Maddie’s name helps (though i’m sure it also hurts) and that you need to hear it. I’m sure they will understand.
Lot’s of hugs your way
Colleen’s last blog post..The Devil doesn’t always wear Prada
sherry pyle says:
I am so sorry for your loss.
You are a remarkable person. Thanks you for sharing your heart.
I know there are no words to really comfort you right now.
Please know I have cried many tears for your precious Maddie.
Yet, I know she is at peace and I still cry for your loss.
GOD IS NEAR TO THE BROKEN HEARTED
Somehow this helps to know he does care for you.
I can’t say why to him for I would get no answer except to trust.
I lost our first child at 26 weeks but it had never developed properly. Yet my heart was broken and I never have forgotten that loss.
The good news is we were blessed with a daughter and son and now I take care of an eight year old grandson and two year old granddaughter.
I wish I had some words to helpl, but we both know I don’t.
Just know I care and Maddie was beautiful and that it will take lots of tears and time t get through this.
Life seem so hard sometimes and we find we can hardly bear it.
You are probably my children’s age.
I will never forget her and someday maybe I will see her in Heaven.
I know that doesn’t help but rest in the hope that others love you so and will alwys hold Maddie close to their heart.
Try to take one day at a time. I know there are so many land mines to get through.
I wish I could take them away, but I can’t.
I wish I could explain why life has these things happen to us.
I wish I could take the pain away.
I wish you all the love and care you will need.
God bless you dear one. You have gone through so much. Your strength and to honor her memory you will get through this.
I know right now it seems like a closed door to ever being happy again.
But in time I pray a small crack will appear in that door and life will give you peace and happiness.
Know you are not alone.
Those of us who never knew her still cry and think of her.
Your beautiful Maddie so wonderful to know.
God bless you, my heart wishes I could help.
My note to you is my way.
I will pray for you and maybe you could pray for me as I try to takre care of my grandchildren. I want to do a good job.
Be kind to yourself and know you were a great Mom.. I can tell.
Tami says:
This picture made me cry AGAIN!! This whole weekend was a downer for me because of two people I loved and I cared about was no longer here. And I thought about Maddie . My heart ached allot . I can not imagaine how you felt. The family should of talked about her. It was the day to honor and remember her.
I am so sorry! My thoughts and prayers are with you both.
Suzanne says:
My eyes filled with tears as I read this heartbreaking post. But I did not start crying until the end. The photo of Madeline’s handprint is beautiful…and devastating.
sherry pyle says:
I live in Chapin, SC I am available anytime to talk. 803-932-9223
Jamie says:
If it’s any consolation in far away IL we speak Maddie’s name.
Jamie’s last blog post..Tried it Tuesday
Bridget says:
it made me cry too
xoxo
Bridget’s last blog post..If you know these things about me and still want to be my friend, then we’re friends for life.
perksofbeingme says:
Hedder. I lover you. Maddie left that handprint so you will remember that she’s still there with you sending her love. I love you.
perksofbeingme’s last blog post..BlogHer 2009 Advice for a Newbie
Vicky says:
I know it hurt for no one to mention her name. Please forgive them. I’m sure nobody knows what to do – there is no handbook that tells you how to deal with this. It is all still so fresh and raw, I’m sure everyone in your family is quite simply devastated. It’s possible they didn’t mention her name in fear that they themselves would break down, not to mention how speaking of her or their breakdown might affect you and/or your husband.
Like others have said, this blog is a place where you can talk about Madeline all you want and we will talk back about Madeline. It’s all about Maddie here. Maybe that’s the best part part about this blog – it gives you a space to celebrate Madeline with us.
I’m just a stranger whose heart has been broken by the passing of a little girl that she never would have met.
Martha Harter says:
I am so very sorry for your pain. My heart weeps with yours.
Chris says:
The marks of someone we love, and lose are everywhere. My dad still lives in the house where my mom died, and although it’s only a couple of miles away I avoid going there like the plague. Yet, at the same time I realy TRY to talk about this wonderful woman who was my rock and my best friend for my entire life. But other people are hesitant. The only person who doesn’t instantly try to change the subject is my dear husband. It’s been almost 3 years and I still cry at things I think I wouldn’t and don’t cry at things I think I would. Personally, I think grief is a sneaky little stinker.
As I say everytime I comment, I am so so so very sorry for your loss of Maddie. I can assure you she will not be forgotten—-everytime I see purple I think of her. I come to read your blog and see her picture every morning. I’ve finally just accepted I cry when I cry and everyone else has to deal with it. LOL
Chris’s last blog post..Does it really get easier?
Heidi says:
Thinking of you, and your Maddie too.
Heidi’s last blog post..Steps
bessie.viola says:
Oh, I am crying with you now Heather. I am still praying for you all daily – if it’s any comfort at all, I speak your Madeline’s name often.
bessie.viola’s last blog post..the wine speaks
Jennifer says:
Oh those little hand prints–they can never wash that window!
I’m sure that reason Maddie wasn’t talked about over the weekend is that they just don’t want to say the wrong thing. Maybe if you just start talking–even if you start crying–they’ll know it’s ok and they’ll start talking too. Tell them you WANT to talk about her.
Jennifer’s last blog post..Blog Slump
mommymae says:
thinking of you
Christy says:
I don’t think you can predict what will make you cry…or laugh. With all the emotions still bubbling to the surface ready to boil over any second…I think sometimes they just come out in a big messy heap of expression. it’s okay. People don’t know what to say sometimes. Or how to say it. I think it’s easier for us (commenters) to write something because we have the luxury of thinking about what words we want to use before we click ‘submit’. I think if I saw you or Mike standing in front of me, I might lose the words I would want to say…I don’t know. It’s hard to see grief on the face of somebody you love and not worry that anything you say might make it worse…maybe that’s why nobody talked about Maddie. I’m sorry, Heather. Thank you for sharing those hand prints with us.
Christy’s last blog post..The Place Where I Live
Laura says:
I’m crying with you … because I can imagine the sadness that I feel, magnified by a million.
avianca wong says:
I have never posted here before and i read your story and my heartaches for your family. but i just wanted to say that the little hand print on the window was her way of reminding you she is there. she has truly left her mark for you to see. Blessings on your family.
avianca wong’s last blog post..Blog stalking love….
AMomTwoBoys says:
Single Ladies came on my iTunes yesterday, but you were napping, so I didn’t tell you. I thought about it, though.
And when you told me your BBQ was sad, I didn’t ask why, because I assumed it was because you guys HAD talked about Maddie. A lot. Sigh.
Love you, lady. xoxo
AMomTwoBoys’s last blog post..Pirates!
Stefanie says:
Wow, I started crying when I saw that too. I’m so so sorry that it’s so hard for people to do it right. Let us know how to help and we will!!
Stefanie’s last blog post..Speech is Overrated
Sareh says:
There is so much of Maddie that remains. It’s bittersweet (though much more bitter than sweet). Her little hand print made me cry as well. I hope today is better than yesterday.
As always, I’m thinking of you and Mike.
Sareh’s last blog post.."I fought the law and the law won"
Lunasea says:
Oh, my heart is breaking for you, even though I only know you through your blog.
I was at a festival this weekend up in No. Calif, and at one of the tables was a small display of March of Dimes stuff – this Farmer’s Insurance salesman does the walk every year. And there were bookmarks with Maddie’s smiling face on the top, right there on the table. “Oh! There’s Maddie!” I cried and picked one up, smiling back at her. “Do you know Maddie or Heather?” the salesman jumped up and asked. “Oh, no, not really – just through the blogosphere…” I replied and then we talked about MoD and Maddie and the walks. I kept one of the bookmarks because her smile is so bright.
Just wanted you to know that she’s reaching out and touching people everywhere.
Lunasea’s last blog post..Guilt
Alexandra )(? says:
What a sweet little handprint. NEVER let your parents wash that off!
Thinking of y’all,
Alexandra
Lisa says:
I’m so glad you have that handprint….God Bless you and Mike and your family.
Gina says:
How beautiful and sad at the same time. I think little Maddie left her mark on all of us.
Peace be with you and Mike….always!
Lady Lemon says:
That would have made a solid stone statue cry.
So sorry.
Lady Lemon’s last blog post..I Don’t Want to Set the World on Fire
anymommy says:
Yeah, me too. I’m sorry Maddie wasn’t there, playing with her Grandpa. Backpacking Dad’s comment made me cry too – perfect and so true.
anymommy’s last blog post..Cusp
amy says:
Someone was waving at you… I love it.
I agree, talk about Maddie with your friends and family when it feels right. So many of us shy away from ‘reminding’ people of their loss which is ridiculous. I am sure your loss is never far from your mind. Hugs to you my dear…
Coloradolady says:
Heather, I can see where this would have made you cry, it made me cry just reading your pain. I would rather think it is a reminder that Maddie is waving from Heaven, she is still close. Hugs to you and your husband, I think of you every single day.
Coloradolady’s last blog post..Where Wild Donkeys Roam….Still to This Day!!
Amy says:
Those tiny little prints are all over all of our hearts. I am sorry her name was so silent this weekend. I think people hesitate talking about a loss – family, friends, strangers. Which is really so silly. She was here, she left her mark and she needs to be talked about. I hope these little prints stay on the window for a long time. Take your picture and frame it… look at it all the time… those tiny hands were so sweet. Thinking of you and Mike today.
Tendrils says:
I am now crying.
I am so sorry for your terrible loss. I can’t even imagine losing a child. Many before me have commented that your family is also dealing with this, and there are no rules or handbook. That is true, but it doesn’t take away your hurt.
The Dragonfly
Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads,
there lived a little water beetle in a community of water
beetles. They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond
with few disturbances and interruptions.
Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of
their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and
would never be seen again. They knew when this happened; their
friend was dead, gone forever.
Then, one day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge
to climb up that stem. However, he was determined that he would
not leave forever. He would come back and tell his friends what
he had found at the top.
When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the
surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so
warm, that he decided he must take a nap. As he slept, his body
changed and when he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful
blue-tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body
designed for flying.
So, fly he did! And, as he soared he saw the beauty of a whole
new world and a far superior way of life to what he had never
known existed.
Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking
by now he was dead. He wanted to go back to tell them, and
explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been
before. His life had been fulfilled rather than ended.
But, his new body would not go down into the water. He could
not get back to tell his friends the good news. Then he
understood that their time would come, when they, too, would
know what he now knew. So, he raised his wings and flew off
into his joyous new life!
– Author unknown
We’ll be watching for dragonflies!
Tendrils’s last blog post..A new fave
Lora says:
I’m sorry that your family/people at the bbq didn’t mention maddie to you. I think that is so important, to just say, “I’m still thinking of you and your maddie.” So Heather, I’m still thinking of you and your sweet Maddie.
Lora’s last blog post..She Reminds Me Of Me
Heidi Case says:
Heather –
I’ve been following you for a while now and I just have to comment on this entry. I can not begin to imagine what you are going through, but please know so many people care about you, and so many more have been coming here through Maddie’s moving journey. I just want to say thank you for being so brave and sharing your feelings. And we are all, so deeply sorry for your loss. You are in the thoughts and prayers of many.
I love this entry, it made me cry all over again. That hand print is felt around the world, as Maddie has left them on all of our hearts.
Thinking of you and your family often.
Heidi Case
Maggie says:
You say her name, Heather. Say it out loud. Say it every time you think of her. Give others ‘permission’ to say it, too. You do that by sharing stories about her. If something reminds you of a Maddie story, tell it to someone. If people hear you telling your Maddie stories, they’ll feel free to tell their Maddie stories.
They’re trying to be sensitive to your needs right now. They need your permission to speak her name and tell her stories. I know it seems odd, but that’s the way it seems to work. Worked that way after I lost my folks. Once I mentioned them, and told a story, others would follow suit. Now, we talk about them freely and openly, and our memories of them are a tangible part of our family.
So, go tell someone a Maddie story, and see if that makes a difference, for you and for them.
Take good care of yourself, Heather. Tell Mike the same. May God bless you both, giving you courage, comfort, and some day . . . peace.
P.S. It just dawned on me. I don’t know if you believe in God, or not. If you do, I bet you’re really pissed off at Him right now, and might just hate it when people say ‘God bless you’, and all the other God stuff we say.
I was pissed at Him for a little over a year, after my mother died. She had pulmonary fibrosis, and the day she died, she suffocated to death, while I held her. I spent a year calling God every foul name I could think of. I even made up a few. I blamed Him, not so much because she died, but because of the way she died. I figured if He was all that, He could have made her death easier on her. After a year or so, for some reason, I finally realized I wasn’t necessarily talking about making her death easier on her. I was really pissed because it wasn’t easier on ME. Then, I started feeling bad for blaming God. Show me guilt in any shape or form, and I will latch onto it. Must be the Irish in me.
Anyway, if you do believe there is a God, and if you are pissed off at Him, don’t feel bad about it. He knows what you’re going through, and He’s got real big shoulders and can take it.
Now, if I’ve crossed a line here, or you’re just sick of people saying things like ‘May God bless you both, giving you courage, comfort, and some day . . . peace’, go ahead and tell me to fuck off. You might feel better . . . unless you’re like me. Then, you’ll feel guilty. But, give it a try and see what happens. Under these circumstances, it’s a crap shoot.
But, in any case, take care.
melany says:
Made me cry too. I had a baby brother that died when he was 15 months. I was 11. Your story has made me think so much about my mother and father and what they went through. Hugs to you from (yet another) stranger. I wish life didn’t have so much sadness.
melany’s last blog post..A Wonderful Memorial Day Weekend
Redneck Mommy says:
It took me months before I could muster up the nerve to wash the floors Bug drooled on or wipe the walls he smeared his handprints on.
I wept the entire time I did it.
Redneck Mommy’s last blog post..Confession
Tina says:
Hi just wanted to drop by and read you beautiful post again. I think of your family all the time. I was at a Tigers game this weekend and thought of you and started to get choked up. I think it was because I was having a good time and I prayed you were have a good day and I know that would be really hard right now.
Just know you are always in my thoughts and prayers
jayne says:
madeline alice.
we just said her name.
lump in my chest.
oh darlin’..
nothing i can muster to say..
thoughts of you, papasphor & much love.
jayne’s last blog post..KEATS & THE MOUSE
Maria says:
This took my breath away.
I love you, Madeline.
Maria’s last blog post..they say I look like her
Kristen says:
I pledge to shake my groove thing FOR MADDIE every time I ever hear Single Ladies ever again.
kristeneileen
(I think I’m going to sign things this way now so you know which Kristen this is. I’m paranoid, I know. Don’t hate.)
xxoo
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children says:
This knocked the wind right out of me. I wish I could reach through the screen and just give you a hug.
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children’s last blog post..Nouveau riche or bust
Amy says:
I would take this as a sign that she is still around you, and wants you to know.
Still keeping you and your family in my thoughts.
Amy’s last blog post..Being Thrifty is Fun!
Just Jiff says:
Awww. This made my heart melt.
I think no one said her name because they didn’t want to make you cry. Everyone thinks of her constantly, too, I bet.
And I agree with the others who said that that was Maddie waving to you.
Just Jiff’s last blog post..Yay for 3 day weekends!
Brenna says:
What a beautiful, heart wrenching photo.
Brenna’s last blog post..What Lasts Forever?
Ricca says:
Madeline was and always will be a beautiful child. I felt your pain and am inspired by what you and your husband have experienced. I have 2 boys who were both preterm (my oldest was born at 30 weeks, my second at 34 weeks) and a little girl, along with several miscarriages. God bless you and your husband. Madeline will live on through you and all the good work you do for the March of Dimes. Thank you for sharing her with us.
Elle says:
That little hand has touched my heart. I think of all of you everyday.
Elle’s last blog post..weekend pictures!
Yo says:
i miss her, too. i love the handprint.
hugs.
Yo’s last blog post..polly ticks
OHmommy says:
I think about you guys all the time. You guys have touched so many people. I know that I have slowed down tremendously this Spring to stop any enjoy tiny handprints. Sending you a million hugs.
OHmommy’s last blog post..Thank God my parents had the foresight to live in a refugee camp because I rock at motherhood.
Christy says:
I wonder if your family finds it hard to say her name because they miss her too? Maddie’s handprint made me cry as well. Beautiful picture.
Tricia says:
That picture took my breath away. For real.
You cry when and at whatever tickles your fancy.
*HUGS*
Kirsten says:
That gave me chills. Not sure of your belief in signs but I am a huge believer and, yes, that has been there for awhile, but I have to think that you saw that for a reason, just when you needed to see it…as much as it hurt to see it, I hope that it also brought you some peace to see that reminder of your baby girl.
Thinking of you guys all the time.
Kirsten’s last blog post..
Catherine lucas says:
O buggers…that window can’t be washed… Beautiful but totally gut wrenching. Probably the shittiest and saddest blog entry about dear maddie. I gasped for breath seeing that angelic handprint.
Catherine lucas’s last blog post..Officially crazy…
Krissa says:
Madeline Alice Spohr. I know you couldn’t hear it, but I spoke her name out loud before I typed this. I live in Germany right now and the only person I really talk to is my (German) husband because my German isn’t so good. He’s heard me talk about Maddie and your family before, but not for a few days even though I think about you all every single day. .. From now on, even though you won’t hear it, I will make sure to say Maddie’s name out loud every day even if I just talk about her to my cats. I think she would have loved them, so maybe that’s ok. I do this in her honor and in honor of you and Mike. You won’t hear it with your ears, but I know that it will mean something to you. (((Hugs))).
april in NJ says:
Oh Heather… it made me cry to see it and read your words. I think you should take that pane of glass out and frame it… for eternity. Don’t ever let your parents Windex that pane again! So sorry the weekend was hard… I’m sure Maddie was on everyone’s mind… they just didn’t know what to say. Thinking of you both… love and hugs from NJ.
Lisa says:
That picture is beautiful. It made me cry too. I hope your family and friends keep talking about Maddie for you, maybe you should start the talking so they know it is ok. When my dad passed away people didn’t talk about him around me at first either, I did ask them to either, I wish I had.
Backpacking Dad said it just right, she touched many.
Thinking of you now and always.
Lisa’s last blog post..Simpson Lake
Deb says:
I have been reading your blog for a while, but never commented, until now. I just enjoyed your writing and adventures with Maddie. Madeline was such a beautiful baby girl. As sad as it makes you, I think it is wonderful that you found her little handprint, especially on a day that no one mentioned her name during the BBQ. That was her saying “Hey Mom and Dad, here I am!”. I hope you can somehow preserve that window pane. It is so precious, because it wasn’t planned in plaster or mortar. It just happened, playing with her bampa, looking out at the world, waiting for someone to see it someday. More people are thinking of you than you probably even now. Please take care.
Deb in Maryland
Andrea's Sweet Life says:
Madeline, Madeline, Madeline. A more beautiful name has never been spoken.
Andrea’s Sweet Life’s last blog post..Land of the Free
Andrea's Sweet Life says:
Madeline, Madeline, Madeline. A more beautiful name has never been spoken.
Andrea’s Sweet Life’s last blog post..Land of the Free
Lisa (Jonny's Mommy) says:
Me too. Indeed. How beautiful and heart breaking!
Lisa (Jonny's Mommy) says:
Me too. Indeed. How beautiful and heart breaking!
Formerly Gracie says:
When I run into someone at a funeral, I have to fight the urge to say “it’s nice to see/meet you”, because even though it’s the polite things to say it’s NOT nice to see them. Not under those circumstances. It took this horrible tragedy for me to start reading your blog and likewise, I have to fight the urge to tell you how I enjoy reading it.
I pour through your archives to get a sense of who Maddie was. I love all of the photos and the videos. I love how she was such a happy girl. I love her beautiful smile and I love reading about your adventures.
I think about Maddie often and my heart aches to meet her (and you) in person. Thank you for continuing to share her with us. I can’t even imagine how painful it must be to be without Maddie. I hurts me and I barely even knew her.
Formerly Gracie’s last blog post..In Need of a Little Lunchtime Inspiration
MissMish510 says:
Your beauty was an angel here on earth and now continues her work in heaven. She is in GREAT company from what I’ve read. She will always be alive in your hearts and your memories….Its the little moments like the one shared via picture of her tiny handprint that really leave the impressions on our soul….As lucky as you are to have been her mommy and know and love her personally….I feel just as lucky to sit here and read about her and all of her amazingness *its legal lol* She was a beautiful child with a beautiful heart and spirit….She has done so much for everyone who knew and loved her and she continues to move and inspire us even in her absence….She IS truly an angel….She is a blessing…& I pray for you and your husband that this pain will one day ease….for I know that it will never go away….Your daughter is more than words can express….She is a JOY! SHE IS all around you….She is with you always…..God Bless…..
Ginger says:
Beautiful picture – beautiful proof of a beautiful litle girl exploring her world. Keep going, Heather, you can do it, you really can.
Ginger’s last blog post..She sits! She squints! She hates the flash! Grace in Small Things: Eighteen
Briana says:
very heartbreaking. it would be very hard to ever wash that window.
Briana’s last blog post..Delmonte Fruit Chillers Giveaway Ends 6/5
b*babbler says:
Crying over here too.
How my heart breaks for you, over and over.
b*babbler’s last blog post..2 1/2 years
Kathryn says:
I would never be able to wash that window. I hope it stays that way always, so another piece of her can always be close to you. I miss her so much for you!
Mary from WA says:
Madeline! Maddie! Madeline!!! Never stop saying her name or talking about her!!! She was here, she was real, and she will remain here & real as long as she is remembered and talked about. That little handprint was just her way of whispering “I was here. I love you. I’m watching you from above.” Hi Maddie!!! You are sooooo loved!!!!
Glenda says:
Beautiful handprint! Beautiful memories! I’m sure if you talk about Maddie or say her name the rest of the family will feel comfortable talking about her. They probably didn’t as to not make you any more sadder than you already are. Hugs to you and Mike.
Amy says:
It brought a smile to my face seeing her tiny little handprint. I was so happy you saw it and were able to capture it so beautifully with your amazing photography skills. You, Mike and Maddie are in my thoughts daily….you always will be.
angeline says:
that made me cry! i continue to pray for you and mike daily.
Mary from WA says:
I just read this post to my mom & we commented that it makes you want to hire a glass cutter & keep that fragile bit of glass forever or tell your parents they cannot wash their windows again-ever. Or, as my mom said, “It’s like Grandma’s purse.” My grandmother always carried her purse with her. And I learned at an early age that one does not go into other people’s purses w/o asking first. Of course, once I’d asked, a magical world was opened up to me. It was amazing what she had in in there! She died in 2001. Since then, my mom has moved 2 times, always moving that purse with her…but she’s never opened it. She couldn’t handle it. So one day, a couple months ago, we sat down in the midst of our moving boxes (ready for the 3rd move since 2001), and opened the purse & pulled out all it’s goodies…and laughed and cried. And then gently packed it all back up and put it carefully in yet another moving box & brought it to our new house. When my sister is ready to “handle” it, we shall sit down together: my mom (now a grandma herself), my sister & her baby, and me and open the purse again & pull out not just its contents, but all the wonderful stories of my grandma & cry & laugh & cry all over again.
You will find yourself doing the same with little Maddie’s things over & over again. And that’s ok. It’s healthy. It’s normal. It’s ok.
We are praying for you & Mike & your extended family. We are grieving with & for you…totatl strangers though we may be.
Mary from WA’s last blog post..Memorial Day
Cathy says:
Your pain is so palpable and I so admire your ability to express your feelings in words. Maddie’s handprint surely has been left on your heart, but also on the hearts and minds of thousands of people she never even knew. I pray for you and your husband every night, asking God to hold you in his palm and provide comfort to you both. Your photo today of Maddie’s handprint made me feel like God is hearing my prayer and does indeed have you in his palm…but so does Maddie. I pray that comfort from her joyful smile, warm heart, and delightfully sticky fingers surround you.
Jodee says:
Oh.. this just made me sad… and made me cry… Madeline will never be forgotten…. I just so wish there was some way you could save that piece of glass. My heart is with you …((hugs)))) and love. And I am praying for you.
Mr Lady says:
Oh, god. That made me cry, too.
Mr Lady’s last blog post..Big Fish, Little Fish
chatty cricket says:
Madeline, Madeline, Maddie, Maddie, Madeline. Her name is like music Heather.
chatty cricket’s last blog post..Too nice out for an actual wordy post
Deborah says:
I have heard from a friend who lost her daughter years ago, that the most unintentionally hurtful thing that people can do is to NOT mention her lost one by name. That it somehow diminishes their existence.
I come to this blog daily to read about your daughter. Madeline. Please keep telling us her stories.
Deborah’s last blog post..Memorial Day Weekend
Becky says:
Maddie is such a lovely name. Did you know Amelia was nearly named Madeline? I’m glad she wasn’t because I like to associate that name with your Maddie. It’s such a beautiful name.
Sending love to you and kisses to heaven.
Becky’s last blog post..This Is The First Day Of The Rest Of Your Life.
Lea says:
What a beautiful and painful reminder of your amazing Madeline. Thank you for continuing to share your pain.
Can the white hairs be construed as blond highlights at all?
Lea’s last blog post..Growing Up
Dane says:
A little hello was so perfect from her at that moment. It makes me cry too, but I am SO happy that you got a chance to see it. She is with you all the time-closer then ever! I am sure that everyone is just trying to make you feel comfortable without bringing Maddie up. Let them know, they love you and just want what is best for you. I continue to pray for all of you!
Dina says:
What a beautiful find. I also wonder if you could somehow preserve the glass or at least enlarge/frame the photo.
Madeline made an impression on so, so many people.
This weekend, my 13 month old tried a french fry for the first time. She opened her eyes really wide and said, “WOW!” It instantly reminded me of your Maddie.
lost indie says:
I think we all agree that Maddie was more special than that mere word suggests. Why are we all still here and commenting? Why do we all watch those videos and look at those amazing pictures? Why do we all feel such a connection with her and you and Mike? Part of me is sorry for you that you didn’t have an ordinary daughter that didn’t touch so many. An ordinary daughter that was still getting her groove on.
It looks like an exclaimation point behind Maddie’s hand print. I can almost hear her excited laughter from seeing her loved ones behind the glass. Her utter happiness from being such a well loved little being.
I’m glad that Dr Looove mentioned what a good job you and Mike were doing with her (when you cut your finger). You did. The best job ever. I hope you always know that. I don’t know you but the love shines so clearly through your words and pictures and videos. And Mike…I am talking to you too. That last picture of you two is a treasure. I am so glad both of you had stay at home time to take care of her. It must have seemed like suck financial suck-age at the time but man…what a gift for both of you.
I care….we all care. I remember…we all do. We are all diminished from losing Maddie.
tara says:
oh, heather. this made me cry too. madeline’s handprints are all over my heart – really. she grabbed me with those beautiful blue eyes and incredible smile – i think of you, mike and madeline every day. sending hugs and hugs and more hugs.
Molly says:
You are such a beautiful writer and I love the way you choose to find joy in the smallest things. Maddie’s handprint is just lovely. I bet she left it there just for you.
SusieO says:
OH! Ouch and delicious all at once… not sure how you stomach that feeling that must still slam you. I hope it helps to know so many are thinking of you. xoxo
SusieO’s last blog post..Parents Say the Darnedest Things
cindy w says:
That was beautiful. Love you guys.
cindy w’s last blog post..marine life & the trip home
Amy in Oregon says:
MADELINE!!!!!!
I say it loud and I say it proud!
I love the handprint.
Your family is hurting all kinds of hurt too and probably thought it would cause you more hurt to speak her name. Not realizing that it hurt worse to not hear her name.
Cindy Woodmansee says:
Oh wow. Madeline was there for you. I wish you could somehow frame that precious hand print. It’s my thought that it would help everyone if you spoke of her . I would only imagine that by not speaking about her, you may feel that people will “forget” Madeline as if she never was. Family doesn’t exactly know “what” to say, however it is better to say something than nothing. Madeline, Madeline, Madeline. She will NEVER be forgotton. She brought more to this world than people who have lived a whole lifetime here. Madeline, sweet Madeline.
Hope says:
What a precious little handprint made by a beautiful little girl. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Hope’s last blog post..Memorial Day Weekend…
Cindy says:
Oh, those sweet little hands.
Love to you both.
Cindy’s last blog post..Dudley’s new bed.
Maura says:
You know, I read your posts here and (for the most part) they’re not what make me cry. Maybe it’s because I’m too in awe of your strength and the strength of the love that Maddie brought to your world. And that shines through every post.
But it’s the comments that get me, because of the breadth of the impact Maddie had on us and how she touches us every day with those little handprints.
Much love to you, my friend.
Jenni says:
that took my breath away.
Jenni’s last blog post..RTT: The T.V. Edition
patois says:
As if she’s waving to you, reaching out. I’m sorry some people aren’t talking about her. I talk about her. But I don’t really know you all, do I? Prayers and peace to you.
patois’s last blog post..Dropped
Just Jiff says:
I hope its okay, I posted about Maddie and her photo on my blog. I just felt the need to talk about her today.
Just Jiff’s last blog post..Appreciating What I Have.
Lauren says:
Heather, I hope you keep telling these stories for as long as you need/want to. Hearing them is my (our) pleasure and I for one am listening as long as you care to talk. Wishing glimmers of light and peace for you today.
Lauren’s last blog post..Laugh.
Jen says:
Heather,
I am one of the people who doesn’t know you in Real Life. I check here every day, though, because I have been so touched and impressed by you and Mike and Maddie. I have commented a couple of times, because I want to reach out to you as well. You reach out to us, and share your life and your beautiful daughter. So I don’t want to simply take and give nothing. But every time I comment, I am disappointed afterward by the poor things (I think) that I manage to get out. So I guess I can imagine how hard it might be if I was someone who knew you. I might have an even harder time saying something that was “right.”
I’m sure that if I want so badly to do the right thing, then your friends and family want it so much more. I guess I just agree with Stefanie when she said “I’m so so sorry that it’s so hard for people to do it right. Let us know how to help and we will!!” I hope people not only say her name now, but do whatever it is you need as time goes by. I know sometimes we don’t want to have to ask for what we want/need. We want people to just know and do it. But despite this, if you can ask or tell people what you want, they will do it. We have such good intentions. We just don’t always have the experience to know. And we’re so afraid of death in our culture. From some of your other posts, I think that you are good at articulating your needs. Please just continue to let us all know.
I guess I’ll hit “submit” now and wish again that I was more eloquent. We’re trying. Thanks for being patient with us.
badassdad05 says:
Not much to say. Only hugs.
badassdad05’s last blog post..sublime, ridiculous
E in MN says:
You hurt so much because you loved so much
db says:
Your words are amazing, and really show what a special little girl she was. Thinking of you all during this difficult time.
db’s last blog post..Which is why
Nanette says:
More hugs, Heather. Sending you more hugs. And kisses. And hopefully more found handprints, but ones that make you smile instead of cry.
Nanette’s last blog post..It’s my party
Colleen says:
I have a 20 yr old son who has Asperger’s (high functioning autism). When he was in 2nd grade, a classmate died of Luekemia. His parents still enjoyed coming back to the class to read or just hang out with their son’s classmates. No one would talk about Tyler, no one mentioned his name. And not just his class, NO ONE would talk to Tyler’s parents about him, except my son, my son with autism who is supposed to be “socially inept.” He reminded them about Tyler’s smile, how he laughed, how he liked jokes, about when Tyler came to his birthday party etc. They loved being around Will because he always talked about Tyler to them. Will taught me that it is ok to talk about people that have died to the people that loved them most. He is the most socially in tune person I know. He has a huge heart and he lives his life by following his heart. We ended up getting a dog a few years after Tyler’s death and Will named it after Tyler’s mom! I really don’t know you, and I didn’t know Madeline but her eyes are really gorgeous and she does this thing with her mouth when the pistons are firing (thinking) while she decides how she will react. It is the cutest darn thing. I loved the “WOW” comment, did she ever get it again? I give you both kudos for all of the pictures you took. I took a great deal of my children, but not nearly as many as you have. By the way, your dog is so darn cute…..
Samantha says:
That hand print is amazing and I am so glad that it was there for you, I would take that down and keep it forever in a frame. It has to be Maddies way to let you know that she is there watching over you. Hugs!!
ALANA says:
hi heather i been reading your blog since maddys passing im sorry about your loss i know that no matter what anyone says its wont bring her back or it will make u feel better im 24yrs and its been heartbreaking reading and seeing pictures of maddy just full of life she had beautiful smile and loved her eyelashes i love kids i want a baby but guess hasnt been my time yet to be a mommy i want to feel that feeling of being a mother and knowing that you created a baby i cant imagine how hard its for you and mike to go thru all this i know no one can really understand what you 2 are going thru usually i have dreams of things that i last saw on tv, read in magazines, or movies i have seen before going to sleep its been couple of weeks i been dreaming of babies maybe because my close friends are having babys and my boyfriend of 4yrs still wants to wait he says not now but i think of why not now why not live life to the fullest maybe that not now will be too late i so i been dreaming of me carrying a baby but it felt so real even when i woke up the next day i could still feel his weight of me carrying him all day at work i was just thinking of how real it felt, so about 1 1/2 week i had a dream with maddy i know it might sound like weird but the last thing i was doing before going to sleep was seeing pic and reading ur blog and it just stayed with me you have such a big heart and you shows readers like me the love of a mother is forever
Kristen says:
I am crying for you. (((hugs)))
Miriam says:
I keep coming back because I pray for you and Mike everytime I read your hurt in missing your daughter.
If no one says Maddie’s name, please bring her up yourself. Tell your family and friends as you have typed for us to read, that you need to say her name, you need to hear their Maddie stories, that you need to know that they remember so that you can live as you would have had Maddie lived.
What a joyous little girl she was in her short time here on earth. I’m sending hugs and will keep praying for you and Mike as you travel this road of grief that no one wishes to travel. Prayers and hugs and talking were what helped my husband and me cope and begin to heal from our loss when we lost a child at 20 weeks inutero. I know how we have grieved and for a child we never really met.
One of these days, those hidden Maddie surprises will begin to bring smiles instead of or in addition to the tears. When you see them, know that she loves you.
Bryn says:
Oh Heather, that sweet sweet handprint MUST have been Maddie reaching out to you, her mama. Why else would it have caught the light just right? I find it so very symbolic…and maybe, through your tears, you can take some strength from this incredible reminder that your special baby is always with you!
Heather says:
My husband and I talk about Maddie every day. She helps make us better parents. I will never look at the dirty handprint smudges my girls make again with any kind of irritation.
You were meant to see her handprint. She was speaking to you that day. Cherish your memories and please keep sharing them with us so we can keep loving her too.
Pamela says:
Now I’m crying. That is such a sweet handprint from such a sweet baby. I’ve never commented before but your posts always make me cry and I just wanted to let you know I stopped by. But I KNOW that handprint was meant for you. You would not have looked at it directly if it wasnt meant for you.
Pamela’s last blog post..The One Regarding Wedding Rings
Chris in NY says:
My heart is hurting for you. Nothing makes me more mushy inside than little bitty handprints.
mrs. chicken says:
That was the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. Hurting for you. Saying her name, Madeline, Madeline, Madeline …
mrs. chicken’s last blog post..Hey! Look! I’m Over Here!
Suzie says:
Her handprint is there for a reason!! She is all around you! Gosh, you are both so, so strong! Say her name as much as you like…Madeline, Madeline, Madeline. I will never tire of her name….Big, big hugs to you both.
Amy says:
My laptop has the handprints of my 1 year old (9 months adjusted) son. I show him the videos of Maddie and he tries to touch her.
I say a prayer for your family everyday and hug my son a little tighter after each post I read.
Mary from WA says:
You inspire me in so many ways: your strengths, your weaknesses, your vulnerability. God gave Madie such wonderful parents. Your blog always seems to inspire me to write:
http://musingsfromauntiem.blogspot.com/2009/05/my-grandmothers-purse.html
Love & prayers, remembering & tears…
Mary from WA’s last blog post..My Grandmother’s Purse
denise says:
Beautiful.
Seana Reynolds says:
Made me cry too.
Bec says:
In tears here too
Bec’s last blog post..Can I review your crap?
Jenna says:
Our hearts are forever touched by Maddie’s sweet face. Thanks for sharing your life so eloquently. (((hugs)))
Jenna’s last blog post..Link Issues… And I Am Not Talking Sausages!
Amy says:
I’ve been lurking around your blog for a long time, but have never commented. I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
The picture of Maddie’s handprint is beautiful.
Amy’s last blog post..Sunday Links
Sarah says:
Sweetie, they didn’t forget Maddie… I’m sure your family was trying to keep it together and to put on “happy faces” for the day. They love Maddie, they miss her, they’re lost just like you. It’s ok to be angry; try to talk to them about how you want to honor Maddie.
Sarah’s last blog post..It’s Never To Early
Nik says:
You are an amazing writer. Don’t stop. I read everyday.
Marti from Michigan says:
Wow. What a memory, yet a heartbreak as well. That might just be a way that Maddie is waving to you two. She is still alive, if you believe in Jesus and know that Maddie is in Heaven with Him. It’s like she is on the other side of the sky, but she is alive, though in a different realm.
I wish I could get on a plane and come to you guys and hug you both and help you in some way, yet I’m stuck here because of the economy with one tiny job that barely allows me to exist.
I care, I really do. I have been praying for you and have sent your name to friends who also pray. Your lives are like a stained glass window, bits and pieces of color all over the window, in a pattern only God knows.
Thank you for sharing Maddie with all of us out here in the world, and for the time you had with her. May God continue to bless both of you and help you in your healing.
brittany says:
I pray and think of you every day. Everyday you and your family are on my mind, and I hate that words don’t come out right to tell you that here. They feel clumsy and wrong. So, I usually just read your posts, and cry for your pain, and pray for your daughter, and send you stregth.
But then I read this post. And I put my hand on the screen, right over picture of the glass. And I sobbed for you.
I still don’t have words that seem to be right for you, but I just wanted you to know I think of you, all the same.
brittany’s last blog post..Giveaway, Freebie, Fun, Fun, Fun!
melissa b says:
I read every blog you write! I always write a comment…. I never post them! This could be a comment that is 3 to 4 paragraphs long, then I delete it. I feel so strange writing to a family I have never met. Its wierd, I feel so connected(although I’m not,really), you bring us all in!
I cry, well really bawl like a litle bitch, each time! Sooo hard, I feel like if I make the wrong comment, it would be upsetting for you, but I am soo passionate about you, Mike, Maddie and Rigby)
I will continue to think of you and send you good love! PROMISE!I love looking at that beautiful baby of yours! *AMAZING*, thank you for sharing! Pardon the spelling, I promise I am smart, STOOPID blackberry!M
rachel cortest says:
Heather,
My mom died two weeks ago and I cannot even begin to process it because I am grieving my sweet and beautiful Tomás even though it has been three years. Does it get easier? Yes, in some ways, but it seems more tragic in other ways. I will continue to talk about him until the day I die and if it makes people uncomfortable to hear his name, I could care less. All of our priorities change when we lose a child. Losing Maddie will change who you are but you will always be Maddie’s mom and she will always be your beautiful beautiful little girl. The handprint is stunning in its sadness. Tomás left a peace sign on the chalkboard in our kitchen and it will never be erased. Hugs, Rachel rcortest@ou.edu
Dawn says:
Heather,
My heart continues to break for you and Mike daily. Remember that even though these incidents catch you and bring you to tears, it also shows you how much Maddie is still very much part of your life… and always will be.
Dawn’s last blog post..Nothing up this sleeve…Maybe?… or …A much needed surprise
Treva says:
From the movie “Shadowlands” they say, the “joy now will be a part of the pain then.”
Just know you had soooo much joy with her, it makes it hurt more now. Not that any of us want you or Mike to hurt, but there must be some solace taken in the knowledge that the pain is a direct correlation to the level of your love and connection with Maddie.
Tiny, unexpected reminders…you brace yourself for the times you think it will hurt, and you don’t cry…it’s the unguarded moments that get you. Keep writing, keep feeling, keep talking about Maddie–you will get to an easier place. We would all bridge you to that easier place, if we could. All we can offer is to walk beside you on this journey. Thank you for sharing with us.
Trish says:
Her handprints are forever with you, and with all of us. Maddie touched the world. She continues to do so. My heart aches for you.
Cry when you need to cry. Speak of her whenever you want to. Let people know that you need to.
Your sweet girl will never be forgotten.
Trish’s last blog post..Chuck E Cheese is not …
Amy says:
Heather, thank you so much for sharing that. What a beautiful way for her to remind you all that she was on this earth and she is forever in your hearts.
Karin says:
We’ve never met. I found you thru Adrianne Ashley’s facebook post. I went to high school with Adrianne.
Don’t ever apologize for your writing. I can’t fathom what you are going thru…. I have gone back and read your blogs since you went to the hospital with Maddie. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I know there are no words I can say – I wish there were. I am the fortunate Mother of 2 who has bawled her eyes out as I’ve read. Someone said “…it puts it all in perspective.” It is so true. So thank you for sharing your life – I needed to read it. You and your family are in my prayers – that you never forget her and for God’s peace.
God Bless You! Karin Summerford
ZDub says:
Damn. I know how much you must miss your baby girl.
I am so very sorry.
ZDub’s last blog post..Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer
Blue rain says:
Her little hand print is in my heart too….
Blue rain’s last blog post..Just generally.
Amy says:
I have already commented on this post but I as I was laying in bed last night, I remembered that the week our son arrived unexpectedly at 26 weeks 2 days, my husband’s hair turned white in a triangular spot. He has black hair and there was a white triangle right in the center above his forehead.
Jenn says:
Not a lot of words….just sending you a gentle hug from Canada! Thanks for writing.
My Best!
Your Friend,
Jenn
Goverment Money Club says:
I think no one said her name because they didn’t want to make you cry. Everyone thinks of her constantly, too, I bet.
Meghan Carroll says:
It made me cry too!
Meghan Carroll’s last blog post..AHHHHHH
Charmed says:
It made me cry too.
{{{HUGS}}}
Charmed’s last blog post..I can’t wait!
Domestic Extraordinaire says:
It made me cry as well. ((Heather))
Domestic Extraordinaire’s last blog post..Haiku Friday-Stand Up for Workers Edition
Mary @ Holy Mackerel says:
That handprint will never be washed, I am sure. Neither from the door or your memory…
Mary @ Holy Mackerel’s last blog post..Whistle While You Toot
Haley-O says:
I’m crying with you. My heart melted at the sight of that hand print. It’s just too much to bear, isn’t it. You and your family – and your MADELINE – are in my thoughts, in my heart.
Haley-O’s last blog post..I Showed Howard (or His Temp) My Squirrel….
Jen says:
I have never met your family, I actually found your blog through the goodforthekids.com website. The picture that is posted there of your precious gift Madeline caught my 4 year old daughters eye! “She said, “Look mommy! That little baby…she is sooooo beautiful!! Who is she??” We looked you up…
I am beyond touched by your tragedy…your transparency takes my breath away. I know that this may be a little bold, but I want you to know that I have prayed for you and your husband this night…I have prayed that you will find rest and peace in Him…and that the ache of your loss would find itself quieted by His love. God bless you, dear sweet souls!
allison says:
Omg!!! I can’t stand the agony. This post haunts me and breaks my heart into a million pieces and I am sooo sorry. This is unbearable and I cannot imagine the weight of it all…but know I have spoken of Mad often and think of you often and say many prayers for you…
Alexandra says:
I think of how all your writings and photos could be put together in a “grieving” book for parents who don’t know what to do with all their pain. Your photos and writing are like someone holding a parent’s hand. Saying, “It’s OK, it hurts a lot, it’ll always hurt, here…let’s cry together.” Really. Your book/collection would do wonders for someone who has so much pain, that the tears can’t even come out. When you’ve cried so much, you just can’t cry anymore. Your photos help all that pain to come out a bit. You know what you’re talking about….you can feel it for them…sometimes one is to numb to feel on their own. It’s just too too much….
Lacey says:
I’m sure it was no mistake that you came upon that sweet handprint. It was a sign from your angel.
-Lacey-
Lacey’s last blog post..3 Cases of Bacterial Meningitis in Ohio
Tracy says:
Heather, I think the handprint was just like one of those little moments where to me it’s like a gift from Maddie, it was really beautiful, how precious our babies little hands are, and in a way she let you know that she was there with you.
suzanne says:
It’s the tangible things people leave behind that always astound me. Like how can they be gone when their shoes are still by the door? Seeing Maddie’s handprint, loaded with her beautiful DNA must have been so bittersweet for you.
Renee J. Ross says:
All I can say is that I continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I have hugs to go around and that photo makes me cry too.
Renee J. Ross’s last blog post..Walking the Red Blue Carpet
Erin B says:
Oh Heather, I can scarcely see my laptop screen through the tears I have in my eyes. What a hauntingly beautiful post. To echo what some of your other posters have said – Maddie didn’t just leave a handprint on that window, she has left one on my heart as well.
Since I found your blog, not a day goes by that I don’t think of you, Maddie and Mike. I actually planted a lilac in Maddie’s honor this past weekend. I just felt I needed to find a way to honor such a special little girl.
Sending you much love and gentle hugs.
Jennifer Taggart, TheSmartMama says:
That sent me over the edge. My heart is always with you and Maddy.
Jennifer Taggart, TheSmartMama’s last blog post..Non Toxic Solutions for Insect Repellants and Controlling Bugs
Kristine says:
I really have no idea what to say. All I know is how many times I have cried for you and Mike and Maddie. Which has to be a drop in the bucket compared to what you have cried.
Kristine’s last blog post..It’s the little things
Tara @ Feels like home says:
Oh, goodness. It made me cry like a baby. I’m so glad you found that little memento, and I’m glad that nobody cleaned it away.
I pray every day for peace and comfort for you and your family.
Tara @ Feels like home’s last blog post..Homemade Veggie Ranch Pizza
Tina says:
I’ve never commented here before, but I think of you all often.
That beautiful little handprint was left there by your sweet girl – she wants you to know she’s ok I’m certain of that!
God bless you all.
Tina’s last blog post..Pardon my construction
habanerogal says:
there is just something about handprints that make me very emotional as well I had a clay print done of my son’s hand when he was about 6 wks old (he is now 18) I still have him to wrap my arms around but I still get a little wistful when I am reminded of those days long ago.
lesley says:
It made me cry too….
Lori says:
I read this post when you first published it but was reminded of it recently. A few days ago I was walking upstairs and I noticed some small greasy handprints on the wall. My 3 year old must have put his hand on the wall as he walked up the stairs. I was about to yell at him for putting his grubby hand on my painted wall and then I was going to clean the handprints. But then I remembered this post.
The handprints are still there.
.-= Lori´s last blog ..Our Baby’s First Seven Years =-.