One of the ways Jackie and I dealt with the crappy things in life was with gallows humor. It was the kind of stuff most people would drop their jaws over, but it really helped us cope with everything life had thrown at us. One of the things we’d joke about is how there weren’t any greeting cards for what we were going through. No one makes cards for cancer and dead kids! So instead, we’d scratch out the slogans on store-bought cards and write in our own (inappropriate) words. It might have been strange, but I cherish those silly cards now that she’s gone.
Last week on Facebook, Jackie’s sister linked to an amazing artist who is now selling empathy cards. They are mostly for cancer, but a few are non-specific. They are realistic, humorous, and so, so perfect. I laughed and cried when I read them, because Jackie would have loved all of them. I hate that I can’t send her any of them. I miss her and her contagious laugh so much.
It might sound crazy, but I think there is definitely room for realistic and humorous cards for parents who’ve lost children. I received tons of amazing cards after Madeline died, so I know how helpful and supportive it is to receive that mail. In a situation where no one really knows what to say, it’s nice to let a card do the talking.
With that being said, these are my suggestions for child loss cards, aka Grieving Cards (with thanks and appreciation to Emily McDowell for the inspiration):
This lets the parents know the sender is a safe person to talk to, while the sender is indicating they will follow the parents’ lead.
Please don’t say, “It will be okay.”
Jackie once wrote this to me on a card with a male model jumping out of a birthday cake.
A simple and loving way to tell the parents you love and remember their child.
Compliments are nice, but I’d trade them a million times over to get my girl back.
I really love my dog, too, but it’s just not the same.
I’ve written about this before. I know it’s meant as a weird sort of complement, but don’t say it. Just don’t.
Our children should not go before us.
There is no timetable for grief, and it’s nice to know there are people who understand that.
It’s nice to know that someone understands how complex these normally happy days can be.
Jackie sent me a card with these words the first Mother’s Day after Madeline died.
…and she sent one like this to Mike.
Remembering our children on their birthdays means the world to us.
When our hearts are in the right place, that’s what matters.
Sue says:
Heart wrenching words, Heather. We have a severely handicapped son whom we have cared for 24/7 for almost 50 years., and we love him more than anything. The thing that I dislike the most is when people always say the one,”God never gives you more than you can handle”. I let them know that that statement is pretty much bullshit. We “handle it”,,yes, and are praised all the time by outsiders, and even strangers, but the quote kind of gives me the impression that you should never have the permission to feel down, sad, or exhausted.
Lilian says:
2 words. Fu*@ing brilliant.
All of them.
Nadinsche says:
Wonderful cards. I have tears in my eyes.
Nadinsche says:
Especially touching are the words that Jackie did write to you.
Missy K says:
These are wonderful. I am going to be sure I remember them. I always struggle with exactly what to say and I am sure I have said some stupid things.
Milly says:
The Mother’s Day one hit me hard. I needed to hear that this past Sunday and no one said it. We are all still moms, even if our babies are not physically here.
Pattie says:
Hugs to you, Milly. You’re still a mom.
Sue says:
A belated Happy Mother’s Day to you, Milly. You are still a mommy every day of the year,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Margie says:
This.
I lost my brother last year to CML and aside from the usual crap of God’s Plan and Everything Happens for a Reason, when someone told me they felt as bad as I did, it took every ounce of strength I had left to NOT lose it. Alex is my brother, the first love of my life, you don’t feel as bad as I do. Shit, I don’t even pretend to know how my momma feels; my dad. Hugs, friend. And Happy belated Mother’s Day.
Kelly says:
I’m literally writing these down and saving in my email for future use. I wish I never had to use them, but I know I will. Thank you for giving me these gifts to be able to give to someone I care about . . . some day.
Tricia says:
My mother’s start-up non-profit is just for grief (she’s a grief counselor)- she has cards too!
http://www.passagesthroughgrief.com/#!compassion-cards/c1ijb
Pattie says:
These cards are such a wonderful idea, because sometimes it would be easier to let them do the talking while letting your loved one know you’re there for them. You will still always be Maddie’s mom, Heather. And Jackie — the cards she sent you and Mike show once again why she was such a wonderful friend to you.
Jenn says:
I think a lot of what you talk about can be also said about loosing a parent. People I was SURE would be there just weren’t after my dad died. Sometimes after someone dies you loved profoundly, you not only have to deal with your grief but once the shock wears off, you have to deal with hurt and disappointed as well and NO ONE DESERVES THAT. I think the cards are GREAT and are exactly what a person needs after any profound loss. Thanks for sharing Heather!!????
Joelle says:
I wrote something on facebook to the effect of Happy Mother’s day, but keep in mind this is not the easiest day for everyone. The thing that kind of ticked me off the most after the first mother’s day of our loss is that no one realized i was seriously thinking of jumping off the bridge. I had to “show up” and now I wish i had just said, eff you to everyone. i LOVE mother’s day…I cherish it, getting to spend with my children here, but man, it still stirs up emotion in me.
Debbie Botwin says:
Wow Heather. That was a great post. It answered so many questions for those of us who want to do/say the right thing, but are just never sure what the right thing is. Thank you so much.
Amy says:
I second that, these cards are freaking BRILLIANT. I had to wince at the pet one. A few years after my brother committed suicide my mom’s sisters dog died. She told my mom “Now that Snoopy is gone I get your pain”. Just GAH…
Amy C. says:
These are great! If I could offer any advice to friends and families of grieving parents, say the child’s name!!! As a grieving parent myself when someone actually says my son’s name, Noah, it just has this wonderfully powerful effect on me. I love it. So many say, “sorry for you loss.” I like the idea of saying something more along the line of, “You will always be Noah’s Mommy” or “You will always be Maddie’s Mommy.” You get the gist :). A commonality among grieving parents is the fear their child will be forgotten, using the child’s name is such an easy, simple way to alleviate that fear.
DefendUSA says:
James and my niece, E are the same age give or take. E was on her way to being a big sister. And a normal day turned into a nightmare for her Momma and the stillbirth by c-section of Little T. And even though I KNOW, I don’t really. So, what I am thinking of A will now ‘celebrate’ birth,death,mother’s day and then birthday for E. and *I* can’t get over that…The Card I “rewrote” said, “I miss Little T. already, and even though I can imagine, I really can’t. We love you. Praying for peace and strength.” It’s like reliving something you never want to.
anna whiston-donaldson says:
These are wonderful, and much needed, Heather.
Mags says:
I SO needed this – like EVERY Mother’s Day especially. My niece died after six days of life, and there just isn’t a suitable card that says “I’m thinking of you and remembering Julia – even if she’s not here on earth.” Saving these!
Angie says:
No Time To Cry – http://www.totheheartofit.com/?p=284
Shannon says:
The other day I saw some Facebook post about a child who died, and one of the commenters said, “I will hug my babies tighter tonight because of you.” And I was thinking, “NO, NO, NO, HEATHER SAID NOT TO SAY THAT!”
jana says:
This is perfect. So unbelievably perfect. Especially the pet one.
Jen says:
Thank you so, so much for these. I have a dear friend who just lost her son to cancer on Saturday. These words are wonderful and exactly what I wanted to say but just didn’t know how.
Andrea B. says:
Beautiful and perfect. I am dealing with a different loss, but I can relate to some of these anyway and I know many people who would appreciate these cards all too well. Thank you for these.
Kristen says:
All of them are brilliant, and I really love the last one. Because people make mistakes all the time, even when their heart is in the right place. xo
Jeanie says:
Those cards are great!
Auntie_M says:
These are awesome. I especially like the one about God not giving you more than you can handle cuz it is crap and actually not even biblical…don’t get me started.
And sometimes, during the 1st year after my nephew died, I felt like I should have had that last one tattooed on my forehead or printed on a shirt every time I saw his mom…I was her official “lash-out-at” person.
May I share this post on FB? Or have you. These are “great” resources, cuz you’re right, Hallmark and American Greetings have yet to realize how needed these are!
Heather says:
you are welcome to share!
nancy fitts says:
This article is awesome and the idea is long in coming! I have been working on a line of ‘grieving cards’ that will be published and for sale soon! So very exciting! I lost my daughter to colon cancer 7 months ago which among other things has become my motivation!
Thank you for bringing to light a very needed expression of sympathy-real, not superficial.
deanna says:
thanks for sharing this, heather. grief is an intensely personal and complicated emotion. as a society, we don’t talk about it enough. im sharing this with everyone i know in the hopes that i can spur some conversation. in fact, thank you for taking part in this conversation, yourself. in sharing your story, you’re helping others!
Jamie says:
I think these are a great idea and also help to create a sense of proper understanding and connection between the giver and receiver of the card. Very difficult subject but perhaps that is just why we need them.