Every single night the same arrangement
I go out and fight the fight
Still I always feel the strangest strangement
nothing here is real, nothing here is right
I’ve been making shows of trading blows
just hoping no one knows
That I’ve been going through the motions
walking through the part.
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart.
~Joss Whedon

Madeline’s third birthday is on Thursday, the eleventh. I have been keeping myself ridiculously busy to avoid thinking about it, busy to the point where it all caught up with me and I made myself sick.

Sometimes I wish I could wear a shirt or have a sign that says, “please be nice to me today. I’m hurting,” or “My oldest daughter is dead, and I am just a shell today.” But there’s no way for anyone to know just by looking at me what I’m going through.

Every day of every week is hard, but weeks like this one are especially difficult. Other events that would hold sadness are buoyed by Annabel. But this, this is an event that would have belonged solely to Madeline. It’s her special week, her special day. You all know I make birthdays into huge events. A measly 24 hour period isn’t enough to properly celebrate a birthday.  And it certainly isn’t enough time to celebrate a child who fought so hard to HAVE a birthday.

This will be my second November 11th without Madeline. She only got one birthday. One.

So please forgive me if you see me this week. I’m just going through the motions.