Some days I feel like only a shadow of myself, even as I grow bigger.
There are days and moments when I can laugh, feel hope.
But on the shadow days, I am stuck in the dark. My mind takes me to terrible places, and I can’t get out. I wonder and worry about things no one should, things I never would have thought of until I watched my daughter die.
It’s hard knowing I’ll never have answers to my questions. The only person who could answer them is gone. And they are important questions. Things that keep me up at night. Things that, if I’m not careful, can knock me to my knees.
I remember the days when we would sit in the shadows, and create our own.
I remember the days when we would lay in the shade and stare at the sky.
I never wanted those days to end.
catherine lucas says:
Powerful thoughts Heather, existential ones. 3, the 3 of you…
I am so happy that you took all those photographs. Maddie is so much alive through them, even if she is in another place now…
.-= catherine lucas´s last blog ..Good Bad Boys… =-.
pamela says:
everyone has those days.. they are hard
Stay strong, Heather.
((hugs))
.-= pamela´s last blog ..i did it! =-.
Page says:
Heather, you are so beautiful. Your daughters are so beautiful within you and as you share them with us.
There’s so much love out here in the blogosphere for you and yours. Keep that in mind as the shadows balance the sun; as your words fill our pages, we hold you all in our hearts.
.-= Page´s last blog ..Vendor profile: Eric Newland, Hybrid Moon Video =-.
Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
Sending you hugs, for the hard days and for every day.
.-= Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last blog ..‘inkle ‘inkle ‘tar =-.
Janice (5 Minutes for Mom) says:
Oh girl – I just wish it were all different for you. I wish sweet Maddie were still here.
HUGS
.-= Janice (5 Minutes for Mom)´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday — My Little Hostess =-.
Al_Pal says:
Gah. *HUGS* Like Kate said, for the hard days, and for everyday. I wish I could bring you more joy and laughter!
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
I imagine that these dark days are incredibly tough. Here’s hoping the sun breaks through the clouds…
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Don’t give your kid a camera for Xmas. =-.
Lucy's Mom says:
Madeline is beautiful, even in shadow. My heart aches for you.
charlane says:
Saying an extra prayers for you one the shadowy days.
.-= charlane´s last blog ..A Pre-Christmas Gift =-.
amanda says:
xoxoxoxo
.-= amanda´s last blog ..My weekend in review =-.
Alexandra :) says:
Thinking of you…
Erica says:
Thinking of you always and always holding your hand afar, especially on those dark, shadow days.
Hoping there are lighter days ahead.
With much love
Erica
Heather says:
She is remembered… and you are loved.
Stay strong, and remember that you are so blessed to have known her if even for a short time and blessed to have so many stories and pictures to share with Binky.
.-= Heather ´s last blog .. =-.
red pen mama says:
This really resonated for me: “I wonder and worry about things no one should, things I never would have thought of until I watched my daughter die.” I have been in this space, too.
Please continue to be strong. Know that we are all praying for you and your family.
ciao,
rpm
.-= red pen mama´s last blog ..Best of 2009: Best Trip =-.
Shannon Kieta says:
Sweet Heather…
No one can take all those beautiful memories away from you. I know you want more than those. But that is all we can have for now, and we have to learn that it has to be good enough. It sucks to have to limited to that, but you had Maddie for almost a year and a half. She was a lucky little girl to have a moomy and daddy like you both and you guys were beyond blessed to have had her in your lives. What’s the sucky saying: It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? Just trying to see it from a different perspective. Binky will bring you a lifetime time of new joy that you can share Maddie with her. You will see.
Tricia (irishsamom) says:
Prayers, love and hugs sweet lady. You are so brave to allow yourself to feel your feelings, dark and light. I know you miss her. I . cannot. imagine. I wish I could change it all for you and her. I truly do. But, you still have hope. Cling to that. You have a new, sweet baby to hope for. It won’t change the pain, I know that, but I’m glad you have that too. Much love, hugs and prayers. My children talk about Maddie all the time, like she’s their angel, which I believe she is.
HUGS. ***** xxoxoxoxo
Tricia xoxox
.-= Tricia (irishsamom)´s last blog ..My Brown-Eyed Girl =-.
Maria says:
I’m so sorry, lady. Don’t you ever feel bad when you’re having dark days. You know we’ll be waiting for you when you come back out.
.-= Maria´s last blog ..don’t think it into the ground =-.
Aunt Becky says:
I’m so sorry, love. I cannot imagine how hard this is. She’s still with you and she always will be.
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Victory Tastes Like Bacon. Mmmmm Bacon. (etc) =-.
jen says:
I have no words. Know I’m thinking of you….
.-= jen´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday- they say opposites attract =-.
Deborah says:
Thinking of you today, as always, and praying for peace within you.
(((hugs)))
cj says:
please know that the thoughts and prayers of many are with you in the darkness.
Michele says:
Exactly. Stay strong and take care..
Michele in Staten Island, NY
.-= Michele´s last blog ..Satisfying Saturday =-.
Mary says:
And in the dark days, we’ll all be here, holding out our lights to help you find your way. I may have mentioned this passage from the Prophet before. I read it at my husband’s funeral and I think of it often when I’m feeling soul-crushingly sad. Great sorrow stems from having a great joy and love. I would not lessen the joy and love part in order to lessen the sorrow part. The depth of your sorrow speaks to the tremendous depth of your love and joy.
**
Then a woman said, “Speak to us of Joy and sorrow.” And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
Kristen says:
Hi Heather,
I was with my Dad when he passed away from ALS. It was nothing compared to you watching the doctors and nurses trying to save Maddie. But, it is still such a painful memory that comes back often. Especially when I lay my head on my pillow. THe picture of my family and I around his bed is as vivid as it was 1 1/2 years ago. May the memory of that night fade away soon for you, and be filled with all of your happy times with Madeline.
Kristen
Cohiba says:
As a new reader, mostly silent observer, I’m actually a bit worried about your mental state. Your last two posts seemed really dark like you may be spiraling into depression. I do know you can take certain anti-depressants while pregnant as my wife did during her first pregnancy as she went through bad divorce. Having fought depression most my life I’m a little over sensitive to others. But I encourage you to talk to your husband a therapist someone instead of just posting to the internet community.
Dianne says:
Cohiba: As a new reader, you likely have not yet found this post where Heather discusses what goes into her blog and what gets shared with her doctors. http://thespohrsaremultiplying.com/2009/07/fractions/
Heather: Thinking of you, Mike, Madeline, and Binky today!
Jenn says:
Cohiba, I’m sure (more like, hoping) that you mean well by your post.
But please do us, you and Heather a favor and don’t ever assume you know what is going on in someone’s life.
We are here to support Heather and encourage her, not tell her what she should and should not be doing. It is not our place, nor yours.
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..It’s the most wonderful time of the year =-.
Elinor says:
Cohiba,
I don’t think you meant to compare a divorce to the loss of a child… there is not a drug that can ever fix what happened and instead of armchair psychology we (read you) should be amazed by the strength Heather shows by moving from one day to the next, celebrate the good days with her and her family, grieve with them and always send them love and support because it will never be ok.
E.
Heather,
I never comment but please know I carry your family in my heart always, and I am always sending love and peace your way.
xoxo
Cohiba says:
apparently I need to clarify some things. First never said I was comparing divorce to death of a child. Though many of us who have gone through a nasty divorce would more compare it to the death of a spouse. Secondly not trying to armchair psychiatrist. I was attempting a hey something appears more off than normal. Trying to say Don’t be afraid to seek help and that I personally know someone who while pregnant needed help and was put on anti-depressants. Did not mean to come across as she must go on anti-depressants. So before you flame me for a message meant for Heather stop. I don’t know what is going on in her life, but seeing two back to back rather dark postings, and from my own personal battles with depression and watching a uncle and close friend commit suicide I will never again sit idle and NOT say something. Was I wrong in saying anything that’s up to Heather to decide.
Amyinbc says:
As someone who has lost 4 people I loved to suicide I too do not hesitate to suggest help via counseling and/or anti-depressants for severe depression.
I never read your original post but get what you are saying here..
Amyinbc says:
And… Just for the record.. I did stay on anti-depressants during my last pregnancy, twins and today at 12 they are gorgeous, healthy, athletic A Honor students
Heather says:
It’s all good everyone. Cohiba and I have emailed.
JoAnn says:
Oh, Heather… my heart on some days soars for you, for that glimmer of hope that you’re feeling. On others it breaks to see the weight that you must carry now. But through it all I admire you so much for your honesty, your strength and your goodness. You and your family and your beloved little girl are always in my thoughts…
nic @mybottlesup says:
even in shadows, in the darkness, in the ugliest and unanswered parts that you now have as a result of watching maddie die is your heart. and that’s where maddie is.
i wish for you that she were here, still making shadows with you in the sunlight. and i’m sorry that your shadows are so dark right now.
i trust your heart will find moments of relief and light here and there, because maddie is in your heart forever.
.-= nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..“Rate that bottle” GIVEAWAY!!! =-.
Lisa says:
Powerful and painful. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard those days are for you. Remember on those days that so many people are out here holding you, trying to comfort you, loving you. I know it doesn’t change anything or make up for even a fraction of what you have lost, but I hope it helps you get through to day.
Love and hugs.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..It’s December, Already! =-.
lisa says:
Heather, I have no words either…if I try and imagine what the pain must be like my heart physically hurts…and I know that doesn’t even begin to be like your reality. Hugs.
Molly says:
It’s so unfair that you have to go through this. As time marches on, I hope there are fewer dark days, which are replaced by only happy memories of beautiful Madeline.
Jess L. says:
Oh, Heather. I hurt for you. You have been such a good mother to Maddie (not to mention Binky), and it’s so sad that THAT’s why you hurt so bad. I think (hope and pray) it will be a little easier once Binky is born. You’ll have someone to do all those things with that you enjoyed with Maddie. Binky is Maddie’s greatest gift to you, and I know that you will overcome the paralyzing fear you feel and let Binky live her life, complete with scrapes and colds. Because that’s what you have to do as a mother, and “what you have to do” is something you’ve proved time and again, beyond what anyone should have to endure, that you will do.
You’ll make it through the gloom. I have faith in you. We all do.
JennK says:
Heather, this is all so raw for you. And add hormones….and of course you think things that you would not have thought before. You have been through so much. But that’s the point: you are getting through it. There is no way around it. But the other side? There will be healing. There will also be scars because there is no way you can be the same. Time helps. Blessings to you…
.-= JennK´s last blog ..Get in the box. =-.
Jenn says:
Difficult day….close your eyes and in the darkness feel our virtual arms around you. We are here for you Heather…. on goods and on bad – WE ARE HERE!!!
Thinking of you, Mike and Binky and of course ALWAYS remembering Maddie! xo
tonya says:
While I cannot relate to the loss of a child, I do know grief of a loved one passing too early. I know the questions and the anger and the despair. And the darkness that seems to never end. And like all of us, I have no answers for the here and now. But I truly believe that one day, we’ll have all the answers, and we’ll look back on this lifetime and it will be just a moment in time. I am certain that you will be with your Maddie again, and you’ll pick up just where you left off, and it will be glorious.
I can only imagine that the love and support you get here is but a small band-aid on a gaping wound, but I hope that it helps ease just a bit of your pain, especially during this difficult holiday season.
~Love and prayers from Tennessee.
Kim says:
I know those days. I am so sorry you have to know those days and feel that pain. I pray that Maddie’s light will fill you up when you are feeling so dark and low.
I love you.
.-= Kim´s last blog ..Come On Over =-.
Ms. Moon says:
I wish we could beam the sun on your face, let you feel its light. Maddie’s light is still shining and will forever from your heart, Mike’s heart, the hearts of thousands and thousands. We feel that. Try to feel it too.
.-= Ms. Moon´s last blog ..Brown Paper Bag Day. Some People Call Them Fragments. =-.
Courtney says:
Hopefully those dark days are fewer and farther in between each time! God Bless.
Marti from Michigan says:
That post caused tears. Beautiful! You are so eloquent and you put your thoughts together so well. You should write a book about this grief journey, I know many of us would buy it.
I know you’ve said in the past that you are not religious, but………God is awake 24/7, he never sleeps, he never takes a vacation, he is always there. You can talk to Him any time you want to. I do it all the time. He will answer in the softest way that will take your breath away!
anymommy says:
I wish I had words. Or the power to grant you more days with her. Thinking of you always.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..Thank You =-.
Jenn says:
How I wish that we all possessed that one word or statement that could ease your pain. I’m so very sorry that you are hurting.
Maddie was an awesome kid and I thank you so much for sharing her with me/us.
She will always be a part of my life.
Hugs, Jenn
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..It’s the most wonderful time of the year =-.
Issa says:
Huge hugs darling.
Laura says:
During the dark days, and the bright ones, we are here and we love you.
((Hugs and prayers))
ruth says:
It is going to be a rough holiday season for you. I wish I could help you get through it in some way. Just know that there are total strangers out there who wish you well and remember Maddie every day ( even though most of us never met her) and always will.
Glenda says:
Heather, Stay strong… think of Binky and how soon you will have her in your arms to hold and make shadows with. Teaching her the things you did with her big sis Maddie. Praying that much joy will come your way. Thanks for sharing Maddie with all of us! Sending you big hugs your way! XXX
Kathleen says:
Thinking of you today.
missy says:
You are far from alone, everyone has days like that. Sure they may be for different reasons, but the feeling of despair is just as devastating. Stay strong Heather, you will walk in the light again. Maddie is pouring it down on you. Peace to you in your times of shanows.
(another) karen says:
thinking of you……
karen
Leslie says:
I will be here for you on your dark days as well as on the days when you laugh. I will be here always.
Love you.
Maile says:
You’re so brave to keep sharing. Public support can be so great, and yet one makes onself so vulnerable by putting one’s truth out there for the masses to see, and judge, and opine upon. I don’t think, in the midst of stress and grief, that I could open myself up to possible further hurt by doing that. But maybe you’re stronger than I am. And it’s a good thing, because many people benefit from your continuing to share, and are inspired, and open their minds a little bit. I hope that you benefit yourself from that admirable strength more and more as time passes.
Rebecca says:
Not that an organ donor would have made a difference for Maddie but after reading your blog for so long I know that if the unthinkable should ever happen to either of my children, or myself, I would like to donate all organs. Because if we could save one parent from feeling the grief that you feel, it would be worth it.
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..Tiny and Fragile =-.
Chrissie says:
(((HUGS))))
Kellee says:
*hugs* In my thoughts always.
Kate says:
Remembering your sweet little girl, that i never even met.
Dawn says:
Stay Strong Heather! You have no idea the people who are standing behind you in support. If they took a real picture of your shadow you would have thousands of us standing behind you.
Erin says:
Stay strong, you are amazing and strong and beautiful. I cant tell you how to get through these days, or what to do when these days come, but i can tell you that…you are strong. And we all know you can make it through
Michele says:
If only we could have answers… If only…
.-= Michele´s last blog ..Announcements =-.
Denise Jones says:
We all carry you, Maddy, Mike, Rigby, and Binky in our hearts at all times. We feel your pain and send prayers your way at all times. We are all here to listen, so don’t ever hesitate to share whatever it is you need to share. Love you all.
Mary Ann says:
I have found when I am having one of those days talking helps. Keep talking we will be right here to listen and understand. I’m so sorry you’re feeling so sad. Sometimes I wish December would just fall off the calendar and we could go right into the new year to start fresh. The holiday’s are such a hard time for so many people. It’s funny that before I lost my father I never understood how they could be. I loved Christmas, the sounds, the scents, everything about it, now it only makes me feel sad. I hope you find some peace and comfort soon. Hugs to you.
Tami says:
My heart aches for you. I wish maddie was here. I really do. I wish I could take the pain away . All I can do is send you hugs and let you know that I care.
Lisa says:
I’m sorry for your shadow days. I lift you up in prayer.
edenland says:
If your beautiful shadow was here right now, Heather, I would sit down next to it and give it a hug. And tell it how beautiful it is, all it has endured. I’d listen to all the dark. Silently, with no judgement or advice.
Then we would lay back on my grass and look at the sky. It’s a brilliant blue today. And we would talk about Madeline until noon, when the sun is at it’s highest and casts no shadows.
XOXOXOXOX
PS I technically don’t have grass, only stupid woodchip. I keep telling Dave I want grass and he’s all, “the mowing.” Lazy turd.
.-= edenland´s last blog ..The Goddess is Dancing =-.
Momma Uncensored says:
thinking of you on those hardest days..
the shadow proves the sunshine.
Suzie says:
We (your blogging community) tend to be a “little” protective of you, Mike, Maddie, Binky, and Rigby as was apparent in the previous posts! We just want to encompass you and help you get through this…..it’s weird that I don;t even know you irl, but want you to all know that we hope you find strength and comfort. I love the shadow pics, priceless! Hugs as usual…from Iowa!
Zakary says:
Love to you, Momma.
.-= Zakary´s last blog ..Daddies Daughter =-.
Tessa says:
So I have been following your blog since April. I happened to come across it from Matts web page. Your life is a part of my daily routine now. I know you get tons of messages but tonight I just had to leave my first one. I know I can always come to your “life” and find some strength. You are such an amazing woman and mother…..words can’t even begin to do it justice. You change my life on a weekly basis and I truly mean that. I only wish I can strive to be even half the mother you are. I think of Maddie on almost a daily basis. I have cried over a beautiful child that I never even met. That shows what an imapct SHE has had in this world and will continue to have, Maddie will NEVER be forgotten……she is an angel. Love to you and your family! Cant wait to see beautiful baby Binky!!
Krissa says:
Sending (((hugs))) and thinking of you and your family. Even though I don’t know you personally, I am so glad you somehow get yourself through those dark times. .
Manda says:
I have been M.I.A. a bit, but I am always here. Love your blog.
Hugs from MN
Tammy says:
Heather,
I keep trying to imagine what it must feel like for you to have lost a little girl that you loved with all your heart and also being pregnant with another baby that you also love so much. I have two children and I love them both soooooo much that I can’t even bear to imagine me in your situation. It seems that it must be overwhelming to feel such overwhelming love and loss at the same time. My heart breaks for you and Mike. But Binky will a very lucky girl to have you two for parents. Binky will love Maddy too, thanks to you two.
Michelle W says:
Somehow when I looked at your first shadow I saw something else, I guess what I wanted to see. It looked to me like you had taken a picture holding Maddie on your shoulders. Instead you shoulder a burden I couldn’t even begin to imagine and when I even attempt to try I have to force my mind/heart to go somewhere else because even the thought is unbearable. You gave her such a beautiful life I hope that gives you some comfort in the coming years.
Em says:
Dearest Heather,
Please continue to reach out to your readers and know that we pray for you today, and everyday. You and yours are loved by so many.
Em
Haley-O (Cheaty) says:
Such a sad, beautiful post, Heather…. ((hugs))
.-= Haley-O (Cheaty)´s last blog ..Beta Beta Beta Beta BETA: NO NAP, MAMA! =-.
Gwen says:
I found your blog recently, and have read all of your archives. It is truly beautiful. Thank you for sharing your grief and joy in such a beautiful way. I hope you have a completely uneventful end to your pregnancy and delivery, and find some more joy in your life after so much sorrow.
anita says:
“things I never would have thought of until I watched my daughter die.” This knocked the wind out of me. Oh, Heather. I hate that you know what that sentence means because just the idea of that sentence terrifies me.
I keep up with your blog and I think i live in a fairy tale world where the things you went through you were just a dream because the pictures of Maddie are so alive and real and now. She is a beautiful, precious little person and I am very thankful you have shared her story. I keep you in my thoughts often as you press on in her honor.