When we hear about bad news happening to others our first reaction is often to cry and think about how it impacts our lives. Our OWN lives. This isn’t to say that we aren’t so terribly sorry for the subject of the bad news, but we are human and immediately fall back on what we know: our own experiences.
In the first six months after Madeline died I had a random stranger email me every day to tell me I was a horrible person because all I could focus on was how Madeline’s death affected ME. She told me I should be more like Elizabeth Edwards, who would occasionally write lovely essays from the point of view of her departed son. I look to Elizabeth Edwards’ writings on grief as a bible of sorts, but telling someone who is mere days/weeks/months into grief that they should be as enlightened as someone many years down the road is very insensitive. I’ve constantly thought about the things Maddie won’t get to do in life, but it’s never something I’ve felt comfortable addressing from any perspective other than my own.
I heard news today and I immediately crumpled, distraught. And then I felt guilty because it’s not about me (well, it is about me to a certain respect because loved ones matter), but it obviously affects the person it is happening to a lot more. This is something I hadn’t really considered until I heard Elizabeth Edwards speak at a conference I went to six months after Madeline died. She was asked about how dealing with her terminal diagnosis was different from dealing with her son’s death, and her reply really opened my eyes.
She said that this time she was grieving the loss of her life; the loss of herself.
It was such a simple thing but it had never occurred to me. As difficult as it is to grieve for someone else, it is even harder to grieve for yourself. Elizabeth Edwards was grieving not getting to live the life she’d always wanted and to grow old with her loved ones.
I left the conference and called a friend to say I was sorry that I hadn’t been mindful of the grief over loss of self. Until then, I’d only understood the pain of those left behind.
Despite having learned that lesson, my first thought today upon hearing bad news was to think about how it affected me. I am almost four years down this road, and while I thought I would know all there is to know about grief by now, it turns out I still have a long way to go.
Gwen says:
Grief is so personal. Whether it’s grieving someone, oneself or even the loss of a life hoped for. Grief is not rational and it follows no rules. It’s visceral and simply is. I don’t think anyone can tell another *how* to grieve.
Rosstwinmom says:
From one mom who has grieved to another, peace and love to you on your own personal journey.
DefendUSA says:
My Mom is fond of saying that you can never know, really, until you are in that spot. The good news, is that it’s okay. I also learned a hard lesson upon losing a friend in the Army. Because we worked together, I claimed that my grief was worse than anyone else’s. Not out loud but that is what I remember. I begged the CO to let ME plan the memorial, etc…I forgot about the other people who would miss Mike. Shame on me and I have never forgotten that. It makes me feel puncbed in the stomach to write it.
You learned to be aware and that is the only thing you need to keep in mind…You hurt, and so do they.
Jenn says:
OOhh dear Heather,
When I heard the same news last night my first thought was SHOCK (although I did think there was a good chance things would not be the most positive, I did NOT except to read what I read), about the person involved, my immediate second thought was of….YOU!! I immediately wondered how YOU were doing & what a blow this would be for you & Mike. I thought how unfair the whole situation is for not only that one person but for all of those who love & adore this person.
Heather, how could this NOT affect you? It’s okay to grieve for yourself too. This is a massive blow to you & I’m sure the loss… profound!!! OF COURSE YOU ARE AFFECTED!!! OF COURSE THIS HAS A HUGE IMPACT ON YOU. You are NOT being selfish Heather, you are being human!! I know how sorry you just as I’m sure does the person this involved. Please don’t be so hard on yourself!!!
As much as I wanted to text you last night, I knew how very personal this would be for you so I wanted to give you your privacy & respect your space. But, as this terrible journey continues, I will not only think of & grieve for the person directly involved…. I will also think of & grieve for YOU b/c afterall this DOES affect you & grief is so personal – there is NO right or wrong way to do it.
OOHH and BTW – regarding the total Dumb Ass who thought she had the right to e-mail a grieving mama after she lost her baby, that is HORRIBLE!!!! It makes me totally SICK to my stomach to think anyone could be so CRUEL to you!!! I’m so sorry that happened to you Heather. That is NOT okay!!!! It will NEVER be okay & I hope the person who was so insensitive & cruel received the Karma she deserves. Maybe she’ll learn a lesson on what NOT to say to a grieving mommy!!!
Sending you continued HUGS & LOVE today!!! PLEASE know I am here if you ever need someone to talk to or to simply listen to you. As I said before, you will be in my thoughts & prayers!!! xo
Kristin says:
I was going to say the same thing, you are only human. You are having human emotions, its only natural. It is great though that you can step aside your own feelings for a moment to consider others. Its a talent not many have. But go ahead and feel those emotions and don’t be too hard on yourself.
Nikki says:
Jenn nailed it on the head. When I found out last night, I thought of you, too. Grief is, unfortunately, all encompassing and how could you not immediately be affected? How could anybody? Please don’t beat up on yourself. It’s an awful situation all around. It truly and utterly sucks.
I don’t know either of you personally. I’m just a reader in Georgia who’s shared collective tears and laughs with both of you through the internet over the years. Your stories have touched me deeply, and know that there’s a daily prayer on the other side of the country for whatever you need most that day.
Glenda says:
Exactly what Jenn said. When I read last night I was in total shock, my heart skipped a beat and got extremely heavy. I thought of the loss… I thought of you. You will be affected… you will grieve. Don’t beat yourself up.
Peace & Strength!
xo
Meghan says:
I’m so sorry for whatever it is that has happened, and like Gwen said, there are no rules for grief…I think we have to acknowledge how it impacts us in order to provide support and love to others.
And, I am so very very sorry that anyone thought they had the right to email you daily with anything other than kindness. What a self-riteous, horrible person.
Becca says:
As many have said before me, you are not incorrect in your grieving. Sometimes, greiving for each other and greiving for ourselves are so intertwined that it’s hard to see you’re doing both at the same time.
I’m so sorry for whatever it is that has happened. Cry, scream, run, talk, be silent, eat, not eat, etc. None of it is wrong. Sending strength your way.
Becca says:
Oh, and about that stranger who e-mailed you on a daily (????) basis – that’s just appalling. I can’t even fathom that someone would go so far as to do something like that. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. I’m even more sorry that, in your darkest of moments, some of their words probably echoed in your ears. THEY. WERE. WRONG.
So, so insensitive. It’s unbelievable.
Pattie says:
Becca — You took the words right out of my mouth. Some people are beyond unbelievable.
Shannon says:
I’m gonna turn my caps lock key on because GOOD LORD, THERE IS A SPECIAL PLACE IN HELL FOR SOMEBODY WHO SENDS AN EMAIL TO A MOTHER WHO LOST HER CHILD, COMPLAINING THAT SHE ONLY THINKS OF HERSELF. Besides the obvious reasons why this is a completely horrid and inappropriate email to send, umm, also, it’s your BLOG. Of course you’re going to talk about your own feelings.
maggie says:
Long time lurker, first time commenter here.
Good Lord, woman! You’re human! Grieve however you need to! Grief and mourning are so complex and complicated, there is no right or wrong way to do it!
And that woman who kept emailing you? Disgusting!
Steph says:
Wow. I can’t believe someone would be so cruel as to email a grieving mother and tell her she was horrible. What a sick, twisted person. I’m so sorry you had to endure that on top of your grief. I so admire your writing. Wishing you and your loved ones peace.
cindy w says:
I don’t see how anyone can ever be accused of grieving selfishly. Grief is inherently personal. You can’t tell somebody they’re “doing it wrong.” That’s nuts.
Love to you, Heather. Take care of yourself.
Katie says:
First time commenter, long time reader. My deepest sympathies to you and your family. I agree with the commenter who stated that personal grief and grief for the one involved is so deeply connected that it is often hard to distinguish. I’m sorry that you are going through another difficult time and hope you realize that it’s okay to grieve for your loss.
Nancy Smego says:
I was just as stunned myself last night. Thought this fight would go on forever. I love how well you put your thoughts down on paper. Hang in there, Heather.
Pattie says:
I’m so sorry about whatever the bad news was that has you grieving anew. And there’s no right or wrong way to grieve — it’s something profoundly different and unique to each of us. Thinking of you today.
Kristen says:
Wow. I am so sorry to hear the news. It was nice to see the picture of Maddie with Jackie when you were at a restaurant pop up on your site. But so sad to hear that too soon you will have to say good bye to someone you love.
Abby says:
I am a grieving mother with a pretty public journey as well. I am astounded how angry my grief makes complete strangers. Even more so when I was in the first few months. I received many emails and comments from strangers who were mad at me for grieving my son and as I read so many other bereaved parent blogs, I realize how many of us deal with this.
Steph Morgenstern says:
I’ve realized over time since my mom’s passing, that you have to really be careful with your comments when someone is gravely sick or has died. Even if you feel personally affected by the tragedy, if you recognize that someone else may be the victim more directly than you, then you should try to be strong for that person because they may be relying on you. You don’t want to let them down when they need you most. From your post, it sounds like you get that.
Steph Morgenstern says:
But still grieve for your own loss, including when that sadness is for your dear friend. That is always appropriate no matter what anyone e-mails you. And just fyi, you don’t ever have to get over the loss of a friend, just because she is not your child. My mom’s friends still grieve the loss of my mom 10 years later. A loss of someone you love is still a loss, no matter what shape or form. XOXO
Deborah says:
Thinking about you and your friend today, Heather. XOXO.
Tami says:
The nerve of some people to tell you how you should grief. Everyone handles death in a different way.To grief over the loss of a child,” OMG” I cant imagine the pain of dealing with your childs dealth. She was your child who grew to have her own personality, she brought joy to so many people lives and then it was taken away. People need to learn to zip their lip!! They havent walked in your shoes.My heart goes out to all of you Heather. You never get over the pain of losing a loved one. Im so sorry and my heart goes out to you everyday and you stuggle to make to the next day with out Maddie. Hugs,
Skye says:
I’m sure your friend appreciated you opening up about not understanding her perspective. Don’t be too hard on yourself- something tells me you are still very supportive to your friend- you know what it’s like to be grieving and you know how to be a good friend to a grieving person. I’m so sorry you are in this situation, though.
Sarah G says:
Sending love XOXO
Trisha says:
Oh Heather, I’m so sorry to learn of the sad news you received about your friend.
Please don’t beat yourself up. You have taught me so much about the struggles of grief and how to be more sensitive to others’ trials or tribulations.
We are always learning as we grow and one moment of sadness for yourself upon hearing this news does not discount all that I am sure you have done and will do for your friend to help in her sadness.
Anyone who is lucky to know in real life, outside of these internet walls is a friend who is lucky indeed.
HUGS to you!
Jeanie says:
When my ex’s son was killed and I was blubbering after the funeral, someone told me that grief was a selfish act. I guess in a way she was right. We are left to think that we don’t have that person in our lives any longer and are saddened by that fact.
Ella says:
“In the first six months after Madeline died I had a random stranger email me every day to tell me I was a horrible person because all I could focus on was how Madeline’s death affected ME.”
I’m confused…. People you didn’t know had the audacity to criticize your behavior after losing your baby? I’m so sorry, Heather.
Brittany says:
I am only familiar with the other end of grief, the new one you are facing, so I couldn’t possibly begin to compare it, and there is no way for me to dictate how you feel or act or…do.
But, I think it’s normal that you felt grief over this, it is a loss, to you, to your family, to your friends, you are losing something wonderful, and it’s ok to be heartbroken over that.
Second, as hard as it is to shut off the YOU part when you are with them, I learned letting them dictate how this will go is important.
In many ways, this loss, and death, is the very last thing they will get a chance to control, and when you lived a life with so many uncontrollable things happening to you, giving them that can mean so much. Even though it’s hard. Even though it hurts so much your ribs collapse.
Let them have this moment to steer this ship while they can, and have you by their side, in the present.
And I’m just so utterly sorry.
Brooke says:
Grief makes us wiser, but practice sure doesn’t make perfect. Having experience doesn’t make new sadness any easier. I’m sorry that you (and your loved one) are dealing with sad news.
I’ve found a lot of comfort in Elizabeth Edwards’s writing too, and I’ve struggled with the same conflict and feelings of guilt for grieving the life I wanted to have with my daughter as much as I grieve the loss of her life. They’re not the same thing, but to be fair, they are also inextricable.
Brooke says:
Grief makes us wiser, but practice sure doesn’t make perfect. Having experience with grief doesn’t make new sadness any easier. I’m sorry that you (and your loved one) are dealing with sad news.
I’ve found a lot of comfort in Elizabeth Edwards’s writing too, and I’ve struggled with the same conflict that you mention, grieving the life I wanted to have with my daughter as much as I grieve the loss of her life. (Although you do not deserve to get called out on that by anyone–they may not be the same thing, but to be fair, they are also inextricable).
Jessy says:
That you refrained from posting your harasser’s email address and messages about how you should grieve for your readers to repay her in kind tells me that in your darkest days, you are a better and more restrained person than I will ever be.
MJ says:
I was just thinking the same thing as you, Jessy.
Michelle says:
My heart is so heavy and sad for you. You do such a beautiful job putting your feelings in to words.
mccgoods says:
I am just going to send you a hug, I don’t have very many words to say except I think you are an amazing person and I don’t know if I would be as strong as you. I admire you and your family.
Jennie B says:
How can we ever know all there is to know about grief? It changes and takes on new meaning over time, but I think it is with us always.
And as for someone telling you not to write so much about yourself, clearly she doesn’t understand what a blog is. This is where you get to work out your feelings, and get all the love and support you deserve. And when you put those feelings out there, and risk exposures to such trolls, you are also helping others who are going through their own grief. So thank you for that.
Jewl says:
I am mindboggled that someone would complain about YOUR grieving! Seriously people. You lost a kid, do whatever the hell you want to to make it through the day, grieve however you need to. And it sounds like you are grieving someone else and Im sorry to hear that. Thinking of your family. Take care (however you choose to do that)!
Mary Ann says:
After losing my father I remember thinking, I wish it was a year from now so I wouldn’t feel like this. I was so completely broken I just wanted time to fly so I would feel normal again. Little did I know that 7 years later I would still have those same feelings creep back without warning at times. I’m so sorry that you are going through a difficult time right now it seems unfair that you should have any more to bear after all you have been through. Don’t feel guilty about thinking about yourself and how it will impact you – that is only human. Grief is such a personal thing – cry, scream, get angry, do whatever you need to get through it – I hope you find some peace soon.
Katie says:
Grief shouldn’t have rules. You feel what you feel and you should never have to apologize for that. News like this DOES have an effect on you, it has an effect on everyone who knows the person involved because we care.
And now we’re watching a friend go through something she should never have to face and we’re facing a reality that we never wanted to face either. Our grief will not match hers, but you should never feel bad for feeling.
Lesley says:
I’m so sorry for the loss that you are facing. Don’t be too hard on yourself, everyone grieves in their own way.
MazingAmy says:
The news of which you are speaking is the WORST. But when I read it, my heart broke and the first person that came to my mind was you. I don’t want the person we both care about to have to deal with this, but as your friend, I don’t want YOU to have to deal with it either. Love you.
Elizabeth :: Bébé Suisse says:
I’m sorry for whatever it is that happened that triggered this post. But like others have sad, I too believe that grief is personal. You can’t experience from any other viewpoint but your own.
Wishing you strength as you move through this.
Kim says:
I’m absolutely flabbergasted and horrified that someone thought it was perfectly okay to criticise (on a daily basis for 6 months!) a mom who lost her baby. That person has a world of bad karma coming her way. I hope she’s reading this and realizes how disgusting her behaviour was and is.
I don’t know too much about the Susan Powell case but I too felt a punch in the gut when I heard about those little boys. I suspect any parent would feel this grief. And Susan Powell’s parents – I just don’t know what to say.
Reading between the lines here, it sounds like you may have had some not-so-good news about Jackie!, and I’m so sorry to hear that. The world is just not fair.
Heidi says:
I am so sorry, for everyone.
I don’t know her personally, or you, and I’ve been a mess. I was pointed to her story shortly after my mom’s diagnosis.
It’s overwhelming. There is so much to grieve for it’s hard to have any perspective. I’ve had almost two years to look back, and of all the times I’ve been asked for advice I don’t think I’ve remembered once to make this point, and it’s so…enormous. Thank you for reminding me.
Love to all, Heidi
Nichole says:
I don’t understand how grieving someone can be selfish, and I don’t think that you should ever apologize for something that is personally different for everyone.
Absolutely, we can be sad for what another person will miss in life and grieve their loss…but we will alway grieve for a person from our perspective as well.
I don’t think being sad about what is missing from *your* life is selfish – I think quite the opposite – to me it’s saying “you were here in my life and you really mattered to me. You made my life better in some way, and I will miss the part of my life that was better because of you.” To me, it’s an act of appreciation…in some respect.
I am sorry for your loss.
giselle says:
oh no, is hits about your friend? =(
giselle says:
oh no, is this about your friend, Jackie? =( Everytime I remember her I try to send a lot of get well wishes.
AmazingGreis says:
Love you! Thinking about you and others today and always!!
Audra says:
I’m so sorry Heather. After word got out that a friend of mine who was is car wreck had sustained possibly irreversible brain damage I was sitting at work and, for a fraction of a second I was looking forward to lunch because I knew that Jim would be able to cheer me up and make me feel better. Then I remembered that NO, Jim wasn’t going to make me feel better about the whole situation at lunch because Jim was the one in a coma fighting for his life in the local level one trauma unit. that’s the worst part about having a friend who is suffering….they’re usually the one who makes bad times better and when they’re the one who is suffering you feel sad/helpless and guilty. I’m so, so sorry. Jackie is a wonderful friend to you and my heart breaks that you have to go through this.
Bhecca says:
Although we grieve if one of our love ones died, but think where are they now. They are now at peace,no worries and no sickness but living on the peaceful place.
hugs>>> hope you feel better
Lanie says:
Sending lots of hugs your way. Wish I could do more. Grief is a long complicated journey and I am so sorry that anyone would make it harder for you. Take care.
Angela says:
The person who emailed you is lucky, in a way. They’ve obviously never lost someone that they care about. They’ve obviously never experienced the moments when, just when you think you’re okay, you’re reminded of your loss and all you can do is crumple to the floor and ride it out. The day will come when they truly understand the intensity of grief, and I hope they realize how horrible they were.
nicol says:
I’m so incredibly sorry. There are no words. (((hugs)))
MJ says:
I’m so sorry that life keeps punching you in the gut. I don’t know either of you personally, but my heart hurts with you. I just hope you’re able to make some really awesome memories with the time you have left.
I’m sorry, Heather. So freaking sorry.