Her room is cleaner now than it was before. Maddie and I shared a closet, and I was in the middle of cleaning it out when she got sick. My clothes and her clothes were in piles on one side of the room. The other side was full of her toys. The day before she went to the doctor, we both crawled around the piles, threw clothes about, and laughed at the mess.
The day after we came home without her, I threw all the clothes haphazardly into the closet. I picked up the toys. I hung up her coat and lined up her shoes. Her room had to be presentable.
It was rarely so orderly. It was always busy, full of toys and fun and new things to climb over and explore.
I sat in her room today and remembered the last time it was so neat. It was before she came home from the NICU. I remember sitting in her plush green rocker during that time. I’d wrap my arms around myself and cry, longing for my baby to come home.
I do the same thing now, but at least back then I could go to the hospital to see her and touch her. At least back then there was the promise that she’d come home.
Today, right now, I am not OK. I am not “hanging in there.” It hurts so much that my arm could be chopped off and I wouldn’t feel it. It hurts so much that I can’t imagine it not hurting. I don’t want to hear that it won’t hurt some day. I don’t want to hear it will get better. I just want to hear my baby laughing in her messy bedroom, shrieking as she climbs over a pile of new clothes with the tags still attached.
JT says:
I haven’t lost a child, and I cant even begin to imagine the pain you are feeling. It hurts just to try to imagine. I wish there was something that I could do to bring you comfort. Your daughter is an inspiration to me. She is so beautiful, and her eyes show how happy she was. The world could learn a lot from Maddie.
Antonia says:
I promise I won’t tell you it will be ok, I promise I won’t tell you it won’t hurt as much. Why? Because I don’t know how it will be…none of us do…I DO know that I feel you are writing this for a reason
Antonia’s last blog post..Define 10 Years…
Katie says:
Dear Heather,
you are going through immense, unthinkable pain. There are few words that can possibly shine through the darkness you are in. But I felt I needed to say that I am thinking of you, though of course you don’t me. I am not a praying person but the thoughts I have are of similar depth – please be strong, please know there are people out there reaching out with their hearts and thoughts, and prayers to you and your family. Please remember you are not alone.
Melanie B says:
I don’t come here much because every time I read your entries of the wretched sadness in your heart, it breaks my own. You make me weep as if I’m looking at your pain face to face. I have prayed for you a few times and will continue to do so. You are in the hearts of more than you know.
Melanie B’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday-Hubby and I in Sedona 2005
Krissa says:
I am so, so sorry you are living this. So very sorry.
Rebecca says:
those days are bad. some times i wanted to tell the people with those words to go away (rudely). some times i told them that i didn’t believe them. those are the days when you need to be in your pain. i am so sorry heather.
Tina says:
Oh sweetie…
My heart goes out to you
It will always hurt Heather… that’s the truth. You never “get over” the death of a child, at least not like those who have never experienced it, mean it.
You will feel happiness again, you will smile, you will laugh and somewhere into the future, you might even go a few hours without it hurting… but it will always be there.
And that’s ok, you know… it’s ok.
Kelly says:
Hugs… Lots of hugs. And lots of love.
Kelly’s last blog post..Bed guards are never long enough
Traci says:
Love You!
Traci’s last blog post..WARNING: Women’s functunalities are discussed below…
Petra says:
Dear Heather,
Rebecca already said it all… i know exactly how you feel. People kept telling me (to “comfort” me) that there must’ve been “a reason” my son died right before birth. That, one day it will “make sense”.
NO, it never will!!!!
I will never see anything good in the fact that he died.
it will never make sense to me that i wasn’t allowed to see my baby live.
the pain will be with us. As are our kids – even though i don’t know where.
Heather, we are all thinking about you… I’ll light a candle tonight for maddie, too.
Noelle says:
You are close in my heart, my thoughts, and my prayers tonight.
Alison says:
I am so sorry. This is so wrong and it should not have happened. I’m thinking of you and your family everyday.
Candice says:
I won’t tell you any other those things. The only thing I can offer is my thoughts and prayers.
Candice’s last blog post..Happy Mother’s Day
Bec says:
When Erin was born, the first night I was lucid I sat awake all night and watched Wil and Grace because I couldn’t bare to sleep and risk dreaming. I was frightened of waking up in the dark not pregnant and all alone. It’s the only thing I’ve got that comes close to how you must be feeling only for you it doesn’t go away.
I don’t know if it ever gets better. I lost two pregnancies and that isn’t “better” I can’t imagine loosing a child you’ve nursed and loved and KNOWN. You know I love you and that I’m heartbroken for you and even as little as that is it hasn’t gone away. I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain. I wish that my sorrow made yours easier to bear.
All my love.
Bec’s last blog post..Don’t forget
Mr Lady says:
Oh, honey. I wish I could make this better for you, but I know I can’t. I’m just so sorry.
April says:
Dear Heather and Mike,
I read yours and Mike’s blog everday just to see how you are both doing and to secretly let you know I think of both of you and your family everyday. I do not know the extreme pain of losing a child but I do know know about losing people that mean so much, I have lost both of my parents at a very young age. The pain is still there after 6 years and 5 years I still want them back just to tell them I love them and give them one more hug that will never be. Our family has had many a hard year but the first year of their passing was almost to hard to bear but we lite candles on every holiday and on their birthday’s just so we can be close to them. My boyfriend and my daughter have told me and my son the many happy times that they remember without them I would be lost myself since I do not remember my parent because I have seizures that take away all my memories of my past and as for my son he was to little to remember them. Your memories of pain and loss will be with you for a lifetime but so will the many happy ones just try to hang on to those. My thoughts are with you. Here is a special hug for you and Mike!
Viera says:
I have a friend who also sufferd from PPROM at 17 weeks gestation and she immidiately went to labor.Her baby didn’t make it.It was a girl. We were pregnant together. Mijn baby was born healthy at 38 weeks gestation ( also a girl ), but her baby died. Is not fair. Why? nobody knows!!! We are still crying when we talk about it. It will never go away.
Heather, you are very strong person and I really admire you. And the world should know about Madeline. But I cannot do that. What I can do is, that at least The Netherlands will know.
Please, if anyone can vote for my daughter Evelien ( to become baby of the yaer 2009 in The Netherlands). She needs to get to the finale and when she does, there are gonna be other 100 baby’s + parents +Holland’s celebrities + TV cameras…… And I will tell everybody about Madeline and about MARCH OF DIMES and I will ask everybody to donate.This is an opportunity to let Holland know.But I also need your help to get my baby to the finale.Voting is free. We need your votes.
Thank you!!!
If you want to vote, please write me an e-mail and I will let you know how.
VierkaNez@hotmail.com
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Dear Heather,
You’re absolutely right. It isn’t okay. You don’t have to “hang in there.” Nothing could be more wrong than losing a beautiful, sweet little baby girl. And it would be intolerable to live in a world where God purposefully “took her to be in a better place.” I heard that line after we lost a family member years ago, and I was furious at God if that was how he rolled.
I can’t imagine the anguish you feel, and you are in my thoughts every single day.
amanda says:
For once, I won’t ramble on and on, because there are no words. Only hope and love for you and Mike.
xo from CT,
Amanda
charlane says:
Thinking of you and Mike today; everyday. I am so so sorry.
Danielle says:
I believe it will always hurt. That it will never feel right or okay. That it will always be wrong. Feel wrong. Hold Mike through this. Hold each other.
Sending love, thoughts.
Nicole says:
I’m so very sorry you have had to go through this horrible, unthinkable situation. There is nothing anyone can say or do to make any of it easier or to pass faster. Just know that through this amazing website and through the internet you have hundreds (probably thousands) of people thinking of you, praying for you and sending you warm and healing thoughts on a daily, hourly, minute-ly basis. We all love you. We all love Maddie. I pray for your family daily, I pray that you will heal and hope. Sending you sunshine thoughts from FL.
Jenny says:
Grandparents die, parents die, uncles, aunts, a distant cousin who drank at every party and would knock over a table of desserts…they all eventually die….we are not meant to watch our babies die. It is something that can’t be fixed, something that can’t be made better – it will always hurt. Maddie can’t be in your arms but she will forever be in your heart and the hearts of all those who knew her whether in life or in these words. God Bless you and your family.
La Petite Belle says:
I’m so sorry. I really don’t have any words. It’s so hard to know what to say, people’s intentions I think are usually good, but in this kind of situation, words can really hurt even when you try to help. I wish I could just give you a hug. I’m so sorry.
Julia says:
I believe you need to “wail”……cry so loud that it is more like screaming. Go for it.
I think we all say “it’s going to be okay” because we are not hurting like you are. It’s not OUR turn. None of us get out of here without some pain. So sorry it’s your turn right now. And so sorry your pain is so much deeper than most will ever experience.
I hope you consider grieving with other parents who have lost a sweet child because they will be the closest thing you will ever find to feeling what you are feeling.
I adore you and your words and your love for Maddie.
Heather says:
I lost my daughter Olivia late in my pregnancy, I had an undetected cancer that killed her before I could get the memories I desperately needed to help pull me through my chemo treatments…i only wanted to die, i secretly prayed the cancer would kill me so the pain would stop.
I know it sounds hard to believe, but the coping gets easier as time passed… it took months before that physical feeling that my chest was going to collapse and crush my heart to go away, but eventually it did
I don’t know you, and I don’t know your background, I only know what I’ve read here over the last few months… you’re a strong women, you’ve survived a tremendous amount of pain, love and loss in the last 2 years. I hope I’m not out of line to suggest that you ask a close and trusted friend or family member to help you find and attend a support group for parents who have experienced similar loss. It may help put a small crack in that pain so that you can start to heal…
annie says:
nothing anyone can say will ease your hurt at all. you are so strong, heather. each day i marvel at your courage to get up. i marvel at your willingness to continue to share with us–people you don’t even know.
i can not even fathom what you are going through. i do know though, that i hold my daughter a little tighter. she was up at 430 this morning. instead of sighing and wishing i could sleep longer, i went and picked her up and we cuddled. i sat there and my heart ached for you. i don’t know your pain, but please know i am praying for you. it’s not enough. it’s not anything, but it’s all i can do.
Christine says:
Love you and I’m so so sorry.
Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba) says:
Hugs…
Sarah says:
I don’t know what it is like and to be very honest I hope I never do. I don’t have any idea how you get through each day. I bet it will hurt forever and I can’t imagine that it would be any less. I am sure as time goes on, you will learn to be happy for moments but something will always be missing. Something will always hurt in your heart. There is nothing I can do or say to make this any easier for you. I promise you if I had a way to make this pain just a little easier I would give whatever needed to make that happen. I hurt for you. I miss Maddie although I only knew her through photos and your stories but I will never think that my pain comes any where close to yours. I also will never tell you that you should just let it go… You and your family are always in my thoughts.
Thank you for teaching me so much. Thank you for sharing Maddie with us and allowing us to feel her love and see her happiness. Thank you for teaching me not to take one second for granted.
The Bossy Yankee says:
Nothing will make this feel “better” atleast not for a long time. And “better” is that really even a term one uses when they have lost a child. I am “better” today because I don’t feel like I am going to puke every second of the day, now only every minute. Who knows.
Surround yourself with the people that love you, keep busy, travel, do anything to keep busy, you will never not think of Maddie or not miss her, but not being alone might help. Hell I don’t have any idea, just know that you are loved and people think of Miss Madeline, Mike, and you all the time.
Kate says:
I’m just one of the surely thousands that read your blog daily. I think about your family all the time, literally 10s of times a day. And I read and reread Maddies story. I ache for you and Mike. Sending positive thoughts!!
nic @mybottlesup says:
heather- i’m sorry. i’m just so fucking sorry. it’s unbearably horrific what you are living through right now. i cannot even conceptualize your pain. when i try, i lose my breath.
i’m so sorry.
Mir says:
A girlfriend of mine posted this. Forgive me if you’ve seen it before:
“A Child that loses a parent is an orphan,
A Man who loses his wife is a widower,
A Woman who loses her husband is a widow,
However, there is no name for a parent that loses a child,
For there is no word to describe such pain.”
Hugs.
Shannon Kieta says:
Heather…me again,
I am sure you are not sitting here reading every last one of these responses, but I am here to reassure you that you are an AMAZING person. Wether or not that means diddly squat to you right now, it comes from my heart. Maddie has touched so many lives it is unbelieveable. Her bookmark hangs on my refrigerator and my son says Hi to her every morning. He calls her “Angel Maddie”. He says she’s up there with my Aunt La-La. (my sister who passed away in Jan). I told him they were probably sitting up there holding hands waving at us. I am trying to put a walk together for Maddie and the March of Dimes here in Connellsville PA. I have spoken to Cynthia and I thought it would be a god way to show my contribution to Maddie and the both of you. Can’t really say why I am so drawn to that little girl…she has just made such an impact on my life I can’t explain. I doubt your pain wil ever go away, I only hope that it will turn into positive and Maddie will appear to you and let you know that she’s all better now, with no more suffering and pain and she has a new BFF…your Grandma!! Luv Ya!!! Shannon
bettina says:
You are allowed to not be ok. No one can undo what has happened. No one can magically fix it. You are allowed to be angry, sad, and hurting. I only pray that this will ease up and allow you to become you again. I wish I could help, I wish I could change things for you. I wish everything were different.
april in NJ says:
No one knows what the future holds… but I pray that you are better one day. I’m so very sorry Heather… lots of hugs and love from NJ.
Domestic Extraordinaire says:
xoxo
Jill says:
Heather I am so, sorry you are hurting and so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. I know it doesn’t help at all, but please know you and Maddie and your family are always in my prayers, here in NY.
Kellie says:
I have no words to make it easier and for that, I’m sorry. It’s strange for me to say “I would give anything to ease even a fraction of their pain” because I, obviously, don’t know. I’m just a name and a comment in a sea of thousands. But, I would. I would give anything to make you hurt a little less.
I’m so, so sorry for what you’re going through.
Amy says:
Sending lots of prayers and hugs your way…
Becky says:
I love you. You don’t need to be okay for me to love you. And I do. I wish I could take your pain away right now.
Deborah says:
As always, you are in my thoughts each and every day. I ache for you and Mike.
tiffany says:
I’m so sorry, don’t know what else to say. I’ll keep praying.
kerry says:
I don’t have words that can help you through this time. The best that we can do is to let you know that you are in our thoughts and hearts. We are so, so sorry.
Lisa says:
It is ok to have crappy days, every day can be crappy. You are hurting a hurt no one should have to hurt and that gives you the right to say “suck it” to everyone and have bad days.
Sending you tons of love and hugs. You are in my thoughts everyday.
Amazing Greis says:
XOXO
kristen says:
all of us who care about you will come and stand by you right where you are in the midst of great pain, never expecting you to feel any different than you do at any moment, but forever hopeful…and forever in awe of your maddie.
xxoo
Jamie says:
I keep deleting my “sage” words. I don’t have any. Hurt away. . Hurt, scream, cry, break shit. It all seems wholly justifiable to me. I’d have broken a lot of shit by now if I were you.
Ali says:
No words then. Just hugs.
Ali’s last blog post..Random Tuesday Thoughts
Amy says:
Thinking of you today.. as always…. always in my heart. The pain is so real and raw. I am so, so, sorry for it all.
cindy w says:
No pep talks here. Just, I love you guys. Wish I was there to give you a hug.
cindy w’s last blog post..She won’t be wearing diapers to high school, right?
Elle says:
I’m here…I’m listening.
Nadia says:
Sending you love from Toronto….
Kristie says:
Heather,
I do not have children. I’ve had three failed pregnancies and now that I am 40 I have had to learn to focus on something else. I want to thank you for allowing us inside your heart and your mind. I do not know what it feels like to have a bond with a child and you have enabled me to have a glimpse of what that feeling is like. I visit your blog daily. Thank you so much for sharing. I don’t know what else to say because there are no words.
Katie says:
You are in my thoughts and prayers each and every day.
Suzanne says:
Heather, I’m crying with you and feeling a small part of the emptiness of your arms through your powerful words. As Kellie above said, I’m another among hundreds of commenters whom you’ve never met but who would do just about anything to ease your pain. Since that’s impossible, I’ll just say that I am thinking of you, Mike and Maddie every single day. Love from Washington DC.
Lora says:
A million hugs to you, Heather. You are allowed to feel however you feel.
Lora’s last blog post..Trumpet Practice
Porscha Is says:
Heather,
I don’t know you, but I follow your blog and think of you daily. Several times a day. I can tell that you are a strong woman, but it is ok for you to break down. To feel weak. To be weak. To cry. To feel unsure about everything. To not understand. To not want to understand. I don’t understand why children get sick. Why they die. It all seems so wrong. It is wrong. Just focus on making it through the day. Through the next hours. Or minutes. Hopefully you will breathe easier and find some little comfort to ease the pain. I’m so so sorry for your loss. So very sorry.
Porscha Is’s last blog post..Out of Control
Sirena says:
I know you may not want to hear anything, your pain is so immense. But you and your family are in my prayers. I pray somehow that someday you wake up and find that yes, you are somehow living with the pain, and I pray that somehow someday you feel happiness again in some moment. Your writing is so beautiful and your little girl was a precious, beautiful being. I cannot imagine what you are going through but wonder if somewhere out there, other parents suffering the nightmarish loss you have suffered are finding solace in your writing, giving voice to their suffering too. May God be with you…
Sirena’s last blog post..Namaste
Karen says:
Heather (and Mike),
My heart continues to break for you. I am so sorry. I would give anything to make you hurt less.
Karen’s last blog post..Alumni Distinguished Service Awards announced for 2009
Katie says:
Heather
As others have stated, I wish there was something I could do for you and Mike. I too want to help take away some of the pain. All I can do is let you know that I am thinking about you, Mike, Rigby and of course Maddie daily.
Get mad, scream, cry until you can’t shed another tear. Do what you need to do when you need to do it. There is not a right way to grieve. Just know we are all pulling for you.
Lisa says:
My heart aches for you. My throat closes and all I can do is pray for you. Please God, hold her, rock her, listen to her sobs, wipe away tear after tear, hold her trembling hand and let her know that she is loved. Help her to nap, rest, sleep. Let all responsibility leave her for now. Let her just “be”. I am thinking of you and praying for you daily. I do not know you, but as a woman/mother/friend, I wish I could help. Peace.
Rah says:
Know that in the midst of your pain, you are surrounded by the warm thoughts and prayers of people who care.
Nicole says:
Of course you’re not OK! You’re living in a nightmare. Huge hugs to you. I want you to know that you are an inspiration. Your blog reminds me everyday to take a deep breath and hold on…because life is fragile. I wish I had the words to make you laugh or simply feel better for a moment. God bless you!!
nicole says:
oh sweetheart… no one can possibly know what another human is feeling, but i to know the pain of losing a child. my baby girl kylie sue died of SIDS in dec of 1998. this was not ‘God’ there is no ‘reason’ and you will NEVER ‘Get Over It’. the pain will continue, the memories remain. there are days, now over 10 years later, that i think i feel ‘normal’ again. then someone out there in the world will ask that dreaded question. “HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU HAVE?” and again i am forced to decide which answer i will give. the true answer (six, 2 step kids, 3 living natural children and a baby girl who died 10 years ago, kylie) or the answer that will make the person asking not feel so bad (five) or just say 6 and hope they don’t ask how old they all are. then i am shocked back to reality, the never ending sadness that surrounds my beautiful daughter. i am so glad i found your site, so glad that are you able to say that “SHE LIVED, SHE LOVED, AND SHE WAS HAPPY” its so obvious that she lived happy. you did not do anything wrong, and she is at peace, now it is up to you to make life count double time. maybe i am laying too much at your feet so fresh into this nightmare, i just want to help and let you know that although you feel like you are totally alone, you are not. you and maddie are both loved and treasured by so many. please if i can do anything to help, or if you want to chat, contact me. i’ll continue to pray for you.
Kathryn Detzler says:
I miss Maddie and I didn’t even know her personally. :o( I cry every time I come to your site. I have never met you and have never commented, but this post is so real and so incredibly hurtful. It’s almost like that pain jumps right off the page. I know that saying “I am sorry” must feel so empty to you. When my son was in the PICU not expected to live because of an anesthesia error, people kept telling me how sorry they were and I kept wanting to scream at them to stop saying that because sorry doesn’t make it better. And yet I find myself wanting to just say, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I am so so sorry your Maddie Moo is in heaven.” It really amazes me that I could feel so close to someone I’ve never met and feel so much sadness for their loss. I know you would give anything to have her back. I don’t know if it gets easier….but your daughter had weight in this world. She has meaning and purpose and she lived life better in a few months than most of us do in a lifetime.
Michele says:
Crying with you, for your pain, for your loss, for the world’s loss of your daughter…I know nothing helps ease your grief but I just wanted you to know you are not alone…I check in daily, I think of you and your family often, and I pray for you all every time I see purple. Do whatever you have to do to get through, that’s all. Take care.
Michele in Staten Island, NY
jen says:
sending love your way.
jen’s last blog post..i {heart} … laughing … faces …
Christina says:
It sucks, it is unfair, it hurts and it makes no sense why she was taken away from you. It is okay to cry and miss her, it is okay.
Just know that there are people all around the world who are here for you and Mike.
Christina’s last blog post..Guess again…
Amanda says:
Yell, scream, get mad, cry and do some of them within the same hour.
It’s never okay – parents are NOT suppose to bury their children. Never. Ever.
I wish that you could hold your baby girl too.
Andrea says:
I can’t imagine the pain you and your husband are going through. My son turned 8 this month and the thought of loosing him is unbearable. I really don’t know if I could handle it. ever. You are truly an inspiration. I read your blog everyday and even though you don’t no me I pray for you. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Maddie is a beautiful child and why God chose to take her now we probably won’t ever understand. It isn’t fair it just plain sucks. I hope you have a better week….if possible.
Andrea’s last blog post..End of an Era
Adventures In Babywearing says:
Oh, you say it so honestly and true. I don’t really have anything to say, other than that I hear this and my heart goes out and I wish you didn’t have to go through this right now.
Steph
Sheila says:
i am still reading every day b/c I can’t not click just to see that precious girl of yours. Just know that there is a family across the country praying for you and Maddie. I asked my son to take her under his wing and show her around in heaven.
Bridget says:
xoxo
Bridget’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: So You Think You Can Dance Edition
Libby says:
So very sorry…prayers for you today.
Kristi says:
Our hearts are breaking when we read how much you are suffering. I wish that there was something we could say to help you feel better, but you’re right….nothing we say about the future will ease the aching in your heart right now. Please just know that so many of us are praying for you and Mike and thinking of you every day. There’s a song called Held (by Natalie Grant) that is about losing a child and everytime I hear it I think of you and Maddie and the pain you’re feeling. The song tells us that God’s promise is that we will be held through this pain…by God and by others around you. Please know that we are holding you from a distance and wishing we could do more.
Sarah says:
((((Hugs))))) from one broken heart to another. We should never have to lose a child. I am so sorry
Vicky says:
I don’t know what else to say except “I’m so sorry”.
Sarah Dawson says:
The only job you have to do right now is take is second by second. You don’t have to be brave. You don’t have to be strong. You just have to be. There are so many times during the day that I think of you, Heather. And each time I do I send up a big prayer that maybe for one second of each day you’ll find a little bit of peace, a small fraction of shelter from your pain and that you’ll be able to, little by little, work your way back to the light. xoxo
Janis says:
Six and a half years ago I lost my 16 year old daughter. I remember those days of horror and mind numbing agony. I remember praying I would wake up from the nightmare my life had become and my child would walk through the door, smiling, laughing. Alive.
I remember my first thoughts as I would wake each day, “My child is dead!” and as I drifted off to sleep, “Oh god my child is dead!” Sleep brought blissful unawareness of the pain I was in. At least it did when there were no nightmares.
I remember thinking that I would never be okay again. That I would wither away and die because the pain was too much to endure. There were even times when I thought about joining my daughter because the grief was so intense, so painful.
Am I okay now? Yes and no. I am not the same person I was before Marrissa died. I will never be that person again. However, I’ve found a new kind of okay. One where the raw, intense grief no longer fills every moment of every day, but instead comes in waves. I function, I live life, I grow and thrive.
The best way I can describe it is with an odd analogy:
Imagine cutting yourself. A deep wound that is painful, raw, intense. A gaping wound that looks as it will never heal. As time passes, the wound heals a little bit, it’s not deep, not so painful. It scabs over a bit. Some days the scab comes off and the wound is once again fresh, painful, agonizing. Again it slowly scabs over, the wound heals a bit more.
As time passes, the wound heals even more. It’s not as raw and intense as it first was. It still hurts, is still tender but it’s endurable.
More time passes, the wound heals over, nothing remains but a scar we carry till the day we die. It’s still tender, still aches now and then. We always remember how it felt in the beginning. We will always carry that scar. We will never be whole and unmarred by the pain of our injury.
I’m so very sorry for the loss of your beloved Maddie. I wish I could come sit with you and listen to all your stories of her. To just sit with you and hold your hand. My heart aches for you and your family…
Much love to you and yours
Dawn says:
You know where I am. Bring it. When you want to remember, when you want to forget, we’re here.
Dawn’s last blog post..Coming Soon!
Anna Marie Hinnant says:
{{{Hugs}}}
Midwest Mommy says:
I am never going to tell you things will get better or anything like that because if I put myself in your shoes none of that would make me feel better and only piss me off more. I never know what to say but I want you to know I was here. Hugs.
Midwest Mommy’s last blog post..Post-It Say What?
Kristin says:
Even though I don’t know…you or how it feels…I cry with you.
Sue says:
I am humbled by your courage.
JAYNE - NY says:
i wish i could have had a mother like you.
you have such a wonderful spirit.
keep breathing.
much love.
JAYNE – NY’s last blog post..booballs.
Kate says:
Heather you are a very strong person and I really admire you for being able to share such personal things about Maddie. When you are grieving (especially for your child) there is no right way to feel. My son died on Dec. 7, 1995 and to this day when that date is coming close a wave of sadness comes over me and I think of all the things that should have been … I dream of what he would be like as a teenager. There will always be a void in my life that only my baby boy could fill. No matter what anyone said that emptiness was always there. When I think of Ryan now I know that he is watching me from his place in heaven, keeping my family safe. My youngest is 5 years old and I still get up in the middle of the night to check on her and make sure she is safe. My thoughts and prayers are with you Heather. Kate
Kristina says:
Don’t try to hang in there. You can’t. You don’t have to. Feel your pain Heather. It is only a testament to the insane amount of love you have for your daughter. It sucks, but it is a part of you now. Scream, cry, break stuff… do what you need to do. But let your memories in too, whenever you can. Wishing I could take some of the pain on for you….
Kristina’s last blog post..Had to drink a glass of wine before I hit publish… *
Angie says:
I’ll just continue checking in on your blog, and will continue to keep you in my thoughts & prayers.
Tami says:
My heart breaks for you. This is so un fair and I wish I could bring her back. I wish this would of never happened and I am so sorry.
My thoughts and tears are right along beside you.:(
lots of hugs to you.
Susan says:
“hang in there” is one of the things that people say when they don’t know what to say, but feel like they need to say something….I’m sorry; I know it sucks to hear.
Danielle G. says:
Of course you feel this way. Nothing worse could have happened.
There is no explanation why this happened to you and nobody can know exactly how you feel. Please know though that I am thinking of you and hoping the pain subsides. Thank you for having the courage to share.
Lesley says:
We will listen, to whatever you want to say.
S. Renfrow says:
Yet another stranger who has been so captured by your powerful words that tell your story of pain, loss, and the beautiful life Maddie lived. Much too short of a life and it’s so unfair. Just know that she was the happiest little girl because of the two of you- her eyes reflect the joy she experienced. I can not imagine or comprehend the magnitude of your pain. You are entitled to feel a wide range of emotions and the fact that you’re not “hanging in there” is more than warranted. I imagine there will be many, many days like today. Days without purpose. Days without an end in sight. I am so, so very sorry for the pain you are in. My heart aches for you. I am so grateful that you are sharing Maddie with us all. Although your days may feel that they have little purpose, Maddie most definitely had purpose and this forum has purpose. There is no doubt in my mind that you have changed lives by sharing your story. You make me realize the fragility and real value of life. Thank you and Maddie, too.
Cindy Woodmansee says:
In Feb.09, I held my foster baby girl as she took her last breath. I wasn’t her “real” mother, and I only had her for four months. She was four months old, so needless to say I was the only mother she knew. I know that I think of her everyday and I don’t have the strength to meet with the social worker to get her urn. I just found her diaper bag last night and could still smell her on her clothes. I have NO idea how it feels to lose your own child. I just want you to know that I (yes, a stranger) know a TINY bit of what you are going through. I wish there was some way to help you, however there isn’t anything anyone can do . You just want your baby back, that’s the only thing that would help. Please know Heather that because of Maddie, people have come together. Know that because of your amazing daughter, the March of Dimes will have the resources needed to help other preemies. Nothing can take away your pain. Just know sweetie that there are a lot of “strangers” out here who think of you and Mike every day. Hugs to you. Cindy
Kathy says:
You’re right, Heather. I’m so sorry.
Jennifer says:
I’m just so sorry Heather.
Jennifer’s last blog post..Just Call Me Diane Arbus
Casey says:
I wrote to you before that I see you and Mike as warriors with a long, tough road ahead. None of us can know what you are going through, although we would all like to share it with you to make it easier, even by a feather’s weight. I think about you and Mike and Maddie all the time, and I have nothing wise to say, just that my heart aches for you. She is so beautiful…
If I never knew about her or you because this tragedy never happened, I would be so much the happier for it. But I recently put her picture on my blog and am honored to have her smiling face there to look at. I can’t imagine your pain, I can’t understand your loss. But I’ll keep coming back to hear what you have to say if that’s the only way to help.
Casey’s last blog post..For Maddie
Loralee says:
The knowledge and reality that Maddie won’t come home again is still extremely raw and new and horrible. When your kid is taken from you and they are the most precious thing you have it SHOULD hurt forever and ever AMEN.
And I am not about to tell you ANYTHING different right now.
Screw being strong.
Just breathe.
That is your only requirement right now.
To continue breathing.
(Ok, MAYBE if you feel up to it you can throw in showering on occasion and changing your underwear, but that is more an optional kindness for the nostrils of Mike. Unless he is too sad to shower change his underwear, too. Then you can just be mutually well matched in this area of grief and buy lots of Glade.)
Seriously, though. She is YOUR baby and the loss of her and how you deal (or not) is on YOUR time.
One micro moment at a time, sweetie.
I love you.
xoxoxo
Loralee’s last blog post..37 weeks
Moxie says:
My heart aches for the pain you and your family are going through. My heart breaks every time you share another memento of your extraordinary daughter, a spirit who impacted the world in such a phenomenal way that most people that reach a far longer lifespan fail to do in their time.
From one mom to another, I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain and suffering. And even in your weakest moments you are one of the bravest people I’ve ever encountered in this here journey of life, even if just through your words.
Moxie’s last blog post..So Yahoo! is a dirty, low-down, crooked post stealer
Tendrils says:
I am so sorry! I can’t even imagine what you are going through. I’ve had a miscarriage, but never lost a child I had grown to known outside of the womb. Know that you are in my prayers……
Andrea's Sweet Life says:
I don’t know what to say that will help – is there anything that could possibly help? I wish she were there with you now, I wish, I wish, I wish.
I love you, so much.
Andrea’s Sweet Life’s last blog post..Slumlords
tara says:
even thought i don’t know you, and i can’t imagine what you are going through, you are in my thoughts every single day. my heart aches for you. i’m just so unbelievably, deeply sorry.
Lisa says:
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. It’s going to hurt forever to some extent, the only difference will be how much or how little. I think it’s a day-to-day process.
I hope that writing in this blog — just getting the feelings and the words out — helps ease your pain in some small way. You and your family are in my prayers.
Lisa’s last blog post..Haiku Friday
Trisha says:
There is no timetable on your grief and sorrow. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You can feel how you need to feel and grieve how you need to grieve. One small step at a time….
Feel angry, Feel sad, Feel all the things you need to and we’ll be here to listen when you need us.
perksofbeingme says:
I love you so much.
perksofbeingme’s last blog post..Wild flower fairy
Jessica says:
Hang in there Heather.
One breath at a time.
We all love you and Mike and Maddie and will be there for you in any way that we can.
For now though, just one breath at a time.
Jessica’s last blog post..The Kite Chronicles
Sheri says:
Heather,
I have been following your blog for awhile now, but haven’t commented until now.
God bless you three…..
I know there’s not anything I could do to take away your pain. And I’m so sorry.
But please know there are people out in the internet who care about you and are praying for you daily.
Amy says:
Heather,
My heart aches for you and Mike. There isn’t anything anyone can say or do to take away your pain. You have every right to feel the way you do. I am so very sorry for your loss. I have never met you, Mike or Maddie but you have occupied my thoughts daily since I first learned the story of your sweet Maddie.
We will be here for you as long as you continue to choose to share with us.
Melissa says:
“FUCK!” I’m (really) sorry that is so crude, but that’s what keeps repeating in my head…It feels so wrong, and unfair. I’m sorry you and your family have to go through this.
and I have to agree with Moxie, “…even in your weakest moments you are one of the bravest people I’ve ever encountered in this here journey of life, even if just through your words.”
Issa says:
I know there isn’t a thing I can say to help at all. So I’ll just keep saying what I always say. I love you and am thinking about you.
And sending an Internet hug your way. (((((hugs))))))
Am not kidding on starting a posse to send after the next person who says you should feel okay by now.
Issa’s last blog post..Guest Post: The MIL version
Kate says:
My heart breaks for you. I don’t know you but I would do anything to take the pain away if I could. I’m thinking of you. That’s all I can do… and send warm vibes your way. *hug*
Kate’s last blog post..Miscarriage, a while ago
Jessica Harrison says:
Heather-
I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through. I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel. My heart literally hurts for you and Mike and the rest of your family. I don’t want to tell you to hang in there or it will get better, because I don’t know if it will get better. I’m not going to tell you to take comfort knowing she’s in Heaven, or that there was a reason God needed her. I just want you to know there are thousands of strangers who are thinking of you daily. I found your blog on Matt Logelin’s and I read everyday to see how you are doing. I’m so sorry Heather! I wish we could all take a little bit of your pain away from you!
Samantha says:
I am so so sorry for the pain that you are feeling. It is not fair and no of it can ever be explained. I only have one son and the thought of losing him is so unbearable. I read your blog every day sometimes a few times a day. I have no idea how you do it but you are a strong and wonderful person even though you do not feel like it. I know that nothing will make it better not even time as I am sure that that only makes it worse. Just know that there are thousands of people that think about you and your family every day, thousands of people who love and care for you and your daughter. She is a beatiful little girl and I just can not get over the unfairness of it all. You are in my prayers and thoughts.
Karin says:
Heather-
I can say I know exactly how you feel. I lost my daughter to cancer. While she was 11 years old, I still went thru many if not all of the feelings that you are processing. It seems we all have places that either comfort or cause immense pain. For me – it was the grocery store. Still don’t like going in there. Each turn reminds me of the foods she loved, or hated . . or the last foods I cooked for her.
One book that was very good to read and undestand why this horrible thing happened to me is “why bad things happen to good people”. Please find a copy and read it.
The pain doesn’t really go away- one just seems to deal with it better and somehow, over time, you turn this pain into a positive pain (if that makes sense) it becomes a solid reminder of all the love between you and your child. And for some reason, that type of pain is very comforting.
It has been over 20 years – and I still wish to turn back time for “one more” kiss, hug, look – but I am also one day closer to that day in which we will meet up again.
That is what I believe and that is what comforts me.
Find your center – it is there for you.
Kristi says:
You have experienced what is every parents worst nightmare; the loss of a child. Your grief is intense right now. I am so sorry you must walk this path.
Ninabi says:
Nothing can ever replace your vibrant, beautiful Maddie.
I wish there was some way to ease your grief. All I can offer is the promise to visit here daily and stay awhile at your site while I hold you in my heart.
mama2addie says:
Heather,
I wish I had the magical words to say to take your pain away, but I don’t. Please just know that there are so many of us that are thinking of you, Mike and Maddie daily. She has forever changed the world.
mama2addie’s last blog post..Easter {recap}
Heather says:
Heather and Mike – We mourn with you. Maddie’s beautiful face is etched in my mind. There are support groups, grieving counslers, etc. that may be able to help, even just a little. There are no words to take away this pain. I am so sorry. I think of you often. Thank you for sharing with all of us – I have learned from you.
I wish you peace.
anymommy says:
I just wanted you to know I’m still here, reading and caring.
anymommy’s last blog post..Just Another Moment
Mama Bub says:
I think people say that “it will get better” to make themselves feel better. Because we’re not living it, just looking in from the outside desperate for a way to make a it better. I think we all know there’s nothing we can do, nothing to bring her back, nothing to take it away so people say it will get better in the desperate hope that it will get better and that maybe their words made it so. If only words were so powerful.
Lee2525 says:
I am aching with you. I adore your Maddie. You 3 are in my heart…
Lauren says:
We’re listening, Heather. Keep talking. We’re here.
Lauren’s last blog post..Good morning and welcome to my childhood.
Blessed says:
Just hurting and crying with you and praying for you.
Blessed’s last blog post..Heart attacks and stints and hospitals and….
Kelly says:
My friend lost her son. She was so brave in the beginning. She planned the funeral, the speakers to be at the funeral from all the clubs and activities he belonged to, she cleaned the house, accepted visitors and honored his memory in the most graceful way. Then when it was all over, the sadness came and the amount of visitors declined, the more she had to deal with this incredible loss. She withdre, then the anger came, then the sadness came again. I just took my cues on how she felt that day. I think most people want to tell you it is going to be okay because they just want you to feel better. People try so hard with their words, and it all comes from a great loving place, but it can bring on such anger and despair. It really is a process that I wish no parent had to ever endure.
I wish I could bring Maddie back to you.
blissfully caffeinated says:
I’ve been reading all of your posts and crying my eyes out, but not commenting because I have no idea what to say. I have no words for this. I still don’t. I’m just so very sorry.
blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..It’s Random Tuesday and this is possibly the worst post I’ve ever written. Maybe not the absolute worst, but it’s likely in the top 3 if one were to keep track of these things.
sam {temptingmama} says:
I love you. I think of you all the time. *hugs* I’m ALWAYS here. Always.
sam {temptingmama}’s last blog post..Working My Way Towards The Unemployment Line, One Sick Kid At a Time
Jenn says:
Dear Heather,
Although I have lost 5 Angel babies myself and recently, my 10 month old God daugher, I would never be so brezin as to compare the pain I feel to the pain, you feel. Grieve is a messy process and it is different for everyone. The only thing I have learned is this…..it’s OK to be mad (even at God, if that’s how you feel – I know I sure was). It’s Ok to not be Ok and to feel completely lost and totally overwhelmed by the hurt in your heart. I want you to know this. Heather….you are not alone in your grief.
Your blog has touched so many people all over the world, as have you, Maddie and Mike. We cry with you, our hearts break with yours, we are sad with you and we miss Maddie with you too. Maybe tomorrow will be better but maybe it just won’t be but, whatever it is, know all you have to do is write on your blog, and we will all come together to show you our love and to let you know, one more time, you are not alone in this…not ever.
God Bless You Heather.
Sending you warm hugs.
Take Care,
From your “Stranger Friend”,
Jenn
leena says:
Heather,
Like many here, I think of and pray for you and mike often. there isn’t anything any of us can say or do that will lessen your grief. i think ppl say things because they don’t know- they hate to see your pain and want to somehow attempt to ease it, but I think sometimes pain is a good thing- something that we NEED to feel. I just know, from my own experience with loss, that sometimes pain was the only thing i had left to hold on to and feel
a lot of ppl care about you and ache for you and your family. I have been thinking of you daily- and praying and i hope it’s okay, but i wanted to say a prayer for you and your family now.
Father,
I ask that you would be with Heather and Mike right now. That you would be with them in their grief, in their anger, in their pain. I pray that you would give them the measure of strength and resilence they will need for each new day. I pray that you would grant them moments of peace.
I pray that you would hold their marriage upright, that each can be a comfort to another- a solid, firm foundation to lean upon. I pray that they can be and do what the other needs. I pray that they can grieve together, yell and rage if they need to but whatever it is Father, I pray that you would carry them through it.
Carry them though all the hard and dark times ahead and let them know that they are loved and cared for. and I pray for others just like them who are suffering the loss of a child- a beautiful, innocent life taken away too soon. I thank you for times shared together bwtween these parents and children, even if the only time together was in the womb. Be with them today, tomorrow and for everyday that follows.
Father I ask this of you, in the name of your holy son Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior- Ameny
Be where ever you need to be Heather- you don’t need to be strong or hang in there. you just lost your baby!! but whereever you are- even if it’s crying in your rocker or on the floor, whereever- just know that you are cared about and loved- you and your husband and your family.
Janine says:
Oh honey, I have walked in similar shoes and it hurts like hell. Your words resonate so deeply with me because the pain of losing a child is so deep and so raw. I won’t try to offer you words of comfort because the only comfort you want is to have your child in your arms again. All I can say is take each hour, one by one, and let the hard days happen and hopefully the memories of your precious girl, as well as the love and support of those around you, will keep you going and create some positive, happy days as well.
Thinking of you
Janine
http://losingourjamie.blogspot.com/
Maria says:
Don’t ever feel like you have to be okay or that you have to find some rhyme or reason in this.
I hope you keep talking, and keep writing. Even if every day you’re sharing pain and sorrow. I know like many others I will stand by you, a thousand miles away, through each and every day of it. You’re in my heart and though my grief is a shadow of yours I hope it’s some small comfort that I think of you and Mike and your daughter every day.
Erin says:
I know that nothing I say will help, nothing I say will make it “okay”, because nothing I saw will bring your Maddie back to you. I am so sorry for everything that you are going through, and my only hope is that slowly things will get a little easier for you, and you can enjoy peace, if only for a moment. Sending hugs.
Sarah says:
Children are not supposed to die before their parents. This is so unfair, Maddie was a gorgeous little girl with a killer smile and a cute sense of humour (from the vids I have seen). You both loved her with all your being, she was a lucky girl to have you. Not all children are so lucky for sure. Maddie is very close to you now and knows you are hurting so badly. Keep her close, get the photos out, the video’s out (post some more pleeeease…) keep her alive for us .. and know that we are all crying with you, havign never met your little girl, the pain is so real from one parent to another. Hang in there, I’m sure there will be many waves your whole life, but I know you will laugh and smile again. Maddie wouldn’t want you any other way.
take care and God bless you both …
Happy belated Mother’s day, you will ALWAYS be a mother ..
Sarah (Montreal)
Insta-Mom says:
I think I left a similar comment on Mike’s blog…
I saw a TV show a few weeks ago. One of the characters commented that a loss like this never stops hurting. You just wake up one day and realize that you’ve learned how to carry the hurt with you.
I know it will never stop hurting. It will never be okay. But I have seen how unbelievably strong you are. And though it might take a while to learn how, I know you will find a way to carry this. It will never go away. But I hope some day, the weight of it becomes easier for you to carry.
You have my love.
Insta-Mom’s last blog post..Someday…
Jodee says:
I am crying with you… ((hug)))
McKenzie says:
I have been following your blog for a couple of months now and I am amazed at your strength and love. I see your daughter’s smiles and she makes me realize what a wonderful monther you are. She always had the biggest smile on her face, always looked so happy and where she got that from was the love you were able to share with her. There are no words to ease your pain and I wouldnt even begin to say it is ok…because it is NOT. Please hug your husband and show him all the love you had for your precious daughter.
Amy in Oregon says:
I won’t say that I know how you feel, I won’t say that time will heal, I won’t say hang in there, I won’t say I wish I could bring her back (even though I do)…because NONE of those things will ease your pain or bring her back. Nothing I can say or do will EVER ease that pain or bring her back.
I WILL say, that I love you, I love your writing and your sharing of your raw emotions, and I love Maddie.
Amy
Oregon
Susan A says:
Oh Heather-
Hang in there. I don’t have pretty words to say. I really want to. I really want to make you feel better. I REALLY want to bring Maddie back to you. I’m so sorry. BIG HUGS. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
Sher says:
My heart aches for you and has for the last five weeks. I wish we were friends so that we could just scream together, scream until we couldn’t scream anymore. Scream so loud that the heavens would open. Scream until the ache and emptiness would be silent in your heart and soul.
I don’t live far from you. Maybe one day we will be friends. But for now know that you have so many friends “out here” caring for you and Mike.
(((hugs)))
Robin says:
My 16 year old daughter wrote this for my best friends son who dies last august at the age of 15. I hope it helps you.
Today is the day we weep.
Today is the day we cry.
Today is the day we question ourselves
And try to figure why.
Although we dream of things
that will never come to pass.
We cannot help but pray
To hear again, your laugh.
Rememberance is a blessing.
I rejoice to remember you,
And with each day you’re gone,
I know this much is true…
You’re everywhere I look,
And everything I see,
And regardless of the distance between us,
With time, in my arms, you will be.
I find strength in your spiritual being,
And find hope in your name,
And in my heart, there’s a place that I’m keeping,
Until I see you again.
Molly says:
We are thinking of you. I will light a candle for you and Mike and Maddie tonight.
Molly’s last blog post..Maddie
Katrina says:
About the pain you feel…..the anlaogy about the deep cut (in a previous reply to this post) is so right on.
People might say to “hang in there” because they don’t know what else to say. What does “hang in there” mean, anyway? I guess to just keep breathing. Keep coping. Keep on keeping on….
People might say “she’s in a better place” in the hopes that it will help you to visualize her happy somewhere, hoping that the comfort in that vision will somehow ease your pain. Because we all want to ease your pain. But those words…well, if my child died and someone told me she was in a better place, I’d argue that there is no better place than in my arms. Heaven is supposed to be the perfect place, yes — and I personally do believe it is. But since I’m not there, I don’t want my child to be there, either.
Words can be so lame. They are so inadequate at a time like this. There really are no words that will comfort you, and we all know that to some degree. But we try. Because not to try would be — well, just against human nature.
I have been told that the biggest fear when you lose a child is that as time goes on the child will be forgotton, not mentioned, not talked about. Some parents find a way to keep that child’s memory alive — a foundation, perhaps. With all your involvement in the March of Dimes, you are doing that. Maddie will be thought about forever. Her memory is living in the present. We will not forget.
Also, with this blog, you can share Maddie everyday with people from all over. Post more of her photos and share with us certain memories of days, good times, funny stories. I know right now it’s hard to do that, but perhaps in time.
When I picture you in her room, in that plush green rocker, with your arms wrapped around yourself as you miss you baby…I get so sad.
So sad
Katrina’s last blog post..Up Late — Yet Again
Kiersten says:
My heart is breaking for you. I just wanted you to know you in my thoughts everyday. And I’m ready anytime you want to come hit the shit out of wood in my garage. I’ll even build new things for you to knock down with a sledge hammer. I wish so much you had your beautiful little girl in your arms.
Nicole says:
Whatever you’re feeling is right…and you dont have to hang in there. Melt. Its ok. Praying for strength for you and Mike.
Robin says:
I found this poem and sent it to my friend after she lost her child, she handed it out to everyone she met so that they would hopefully understand what she was going through, I hope it helps you.
Please don’t tell me you know how I feel
Unless you have lost your child too
Please don’t tell me my broken heart will heal
Because that is just not true
Please don’t tell me my daughter is in a better place
Though it is true, I want her here with me
Don’t tell me someday I’ll hear her voice, see her face
Beyond today I cannot see
Don’t tell me to face the fact she is gone
Because denial is something I can’t stop
Don’t tell me to be thankful for the time I had
Because I wanted more
Don’t tell me when I am my old self you will be glad
I’ll never be as I was before
What you can tell me is you will be here for me
That you will listen when I talk of my child
You can share with me my precious memories
You can even cry with me a while
And please don’t hesitate to say her name
Because it is something I long to hear everyday
Friend please realize that I can never be the same
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday
I also lost my son 18 years ago, he was 5 weeks old. I’m so very sorry for your loss.
bessie.viola says:
So, so sorry that you’re living through this. I think about your family and pray for you daily.
bessie.viola’s last blog post..prayers, please: update
pillarr1 says:
Just know that we are all here for you. And, we will always be here to help you through this.
Dona says:
Oh, I know how you feel. I used to make up words to describe the pain I was in…because nothing even touched how horrible it hurt. My arms longed, every particle of my being yearned and I still had one baby alive ( she’s 28) but I wanted all of them. When I became pregnant with the next child ( 9 months later), the pain stopped, just stopped and the words became a memory. It was amazing. Hope replaced misery and the disfocus (one of my words) became direction. I’m not saying this as a suggestion. I became pregnant by accident because after all she was child number 7 but it was a miracle. She did all the things that normal , non premie babes did. My husband and I would just look at her and be comforted. So just my story. because I do know how much and how bad it really is…
Dona’s last blog post..40 Years!
Keeley says:
It’s just not fair, so unfair that this happened to you!!!!!
Karen says:
It’s not ok. It’s not fair and nothing again will ever be how it should. And it’s perfectly understandable that you have no clue how to deal with any of it. You shouldn’t have to.
I’m so, so sorry.
Karen’s last blog post..Comfort Food
Upstatemomof3 says:
Oh Heather,
There are tears streaming down my face for you as I write this. I have no words. It is not fair. Every time I think of you I cry and cry. I have Maddie’s picture on a button on the side of my blog. It makes it painful to look at sometimes. I am just so so sorry!! I do not know that it will ever be okay but I do know that you and your family are in my prayers.
Upstatemomof3’s last blog post..I Knew This Bag Could Hold It All
tammy says:
I want all that for you too.
I’m sorry.
Sarah @ Ordinary Days says:
Oh Heather I don’t know what to say but I want so badly to say something. I know nothing will make you feel better, but know that you are in my heart and on my mind always.
Sara says:
i have never lost a child, but i have lost two beloved people to suicide. i remember telling people “no, i am not ok. i am not better today. it still hurts just as much, if not more than yesterday.” still, i can’t imagine the pain you are feeling, and if there was something that could be done to alleviate even a fraction of it, please know that we would do it for you. its unnatural to have parents lose childre…it’s not supposed to be that way. you do what you have to do to get through it. and you don’t have to be doing any type of “ok” or “better. ” my heart breaks for you and your family. please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sara’s last blog post..The Longest Day
Elizabeth says:
I’m sorry. We will always be here to listen. I wish we could do more.
JRo in NYC says:
I’m still here, listening, reading, offering what little support that I can. I wish there was more that I could do.
Em says:
I am so very very sorry…no one should have to endure this pain. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Debby says:
I look forward to reading your posts each day. Not because of the sadness but because of the fact that each day the sun will shine regardless of how we feel. Your heart will never heal but your words give everyone hope. I don’t know your pain but I know that my life will never be the same since I heard about Maddie’s death.
Jolene says:
I have no words to say, just wanted you to know Heather that I think about you everyday.
Ohmygoshi says:
in the words of Matt Logelin, “this fucking sucks”. There is nothing else to say other than I am constantly thinking, praying, and crying for you. We’re here for you to vent, scream, cry, and share your wonderful memories of Maddie. xoxox
Ohmygoshi’s last blog post..The World Spins Madly On…
nicole says:
this is another one of those ‘you don’t know me but i found your blog’ posts . . .
i hated people telling me it’d be okay, i’d be okay, etc. i’m not normally a violent person, but goodness i wanted to smack those people (i didn’t, for the record. but i totally wanted to).
i remember one day though, when i was completely overwhelmed with grief, i was suddenly very aware of feeling the sun on my face and i thought that was a huge moment for me, because i’d forgotten it existed. i’d forgotten that anything that could make me feel warm existed. and just for that brief moment, there was a little relief. i hope you feel the sun on your face again. it won’t make it okay, but i hope you get to feel just a tiny moment of warmth like i did.
Christy says:
Just sobbing for you today. As a mother, I wish I could fix this and take the hurt away. It’s ok to not be ok.
Courtney says:
I am so sorry you are hurting. You and your family are in my prayers.
God Bless…
Courtney’s last blog post..Realization…
Jess says:
You sweet, wonderful, woman. Cry as much as you need. We’re still crying with you.
Jack's Mom says:
Please know you’re in my thoughts and prayers, everyday. I wish I could lessen your pain…{{{HUGS}}}
Mary from WA says:
Oh sweet girl. I can’t imagine your grief. I won’t say I know what you are going thru. I won’t tell you it will get better. Trite sayings & words don’t help. Just please know that it is ok to grieve, to mourn, to feel all that you feel. While the pain may seem unbearable, it is far better than simply being numb.
You don’t know me & I won’t presume to “know” you simply because I read your blog. I only came across it 5 weeks ago…but I do think of you daily and pray for you and your husband and extended family nightly. Some day you will walk out of the darkness of the valley of the shadow of death (Ps 23) but you will never ever leave Maddie behind. She will always be your little girl. No one can take that away from you.
Notesfromthegrove says:
I too would give anything–ANYTHING–to make you feel better. If only it worked that way.
Maybe you should get a punching bag and beat the shit out of it.
Notesfromthegrove’s last blog post..Would you like thighs with that?
tiffany says:
heather, i am so sorry.
i am thinking of you.
Misty says:
No words… I’m praying for you… From one mother to another, I am just so sorry…
PsychMamma says:
My heart aches for you with only a faction of the ache you must be feeling. Thinking of you and sending love, strength and hugs.
Ms. Anthropy says:
Another family I follow, received these words after the loss of their beautiful daughter. I felt they were so meaningful and hope you find a small amount of comfort.
I closed my eyes
and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
and I know I heard Him say,
A Mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God can you be a Mother
when your baby’s not with you?
“Yes you can!”, He replied
with confidence in His voice,
“I give many women babies,
when they leave is not their choice.
“Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there’s no need to stay.
I just don’t understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,
“We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quick
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
on her pillow’s where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
Mommy don’t be sad today
I’m your baby and I’m here.
“So you see my dear sweet one,
your children are OK.
Your babies are here in my home
and this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on that day that you come home
they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother.
It’s the feeling in your heart.
It’s the love you had so much of
right from the very start.
~unknown~
Prayers and tears, from Deer Park, Texas
Sue says:
Heather, I also found your blog through Matt Logelin’s blog and I can’t seem to get you and your husband and Maddie off my mind. I am so very very sorry you are on the journey you are on right now.
I know there is nothing I can say that will help here but I want you to know that because of your sweet Maddie, I hug my two children extra long and because of her I no longer roll my eyes when my 5 month old cries at 3am. I pick her up and hold her as close as I can and I think of your Maddie.
Rachel says:
My heart just aches for you!! I am so sorry.
Rachel’s last blog post..Love, Support and Prayers
Molly says:
(((HUGS))) I just ache for you…
Dana Zap says:
The poem by Ms. Anthropy made me cry…so touching and so sad.
I agree, it’s not ok, it’s not fair and it just plain sucks. I know how much you want her back in your arms…God, I know I would do anything possible to help you if I could
Dana Zap’s last blog post..Tue, May 12, 2009
justme says:
One of my good friends lost her baby when she was 4 months old. From her experience I can honestly tell you it doesn’t get better. Who would tell a grieving parent (this is for Mike too) to “hang in there”. What are you supposed to hang in there for/with/about? It does hurt like hell, there is no end in site, and the pain doesn’t ever go away. Maybe some day it will get slightly duller but I can promise in 20 years it’s still going to be…well…pain. You will get even more creative in dealing with it but it won’t ever go away. And that’s how it should be. Next time someone tells you to hang in there, or whatever just look at them and tell them to go to hell!
Steph says:
Please accept my deepest condolences for the loss of your beautiful baby girl, Maddie. The pain and honesty in your writing is breathtaking–literally. Although I have never met you all, when I thought of you while driving today, I started crying. You make me so much more aware of my ungratefulness and for that I am forever grateful to you. Wishing you much love and peace.
Lady Lemon says:
I wish I had something I could say that would help you feel better, but I don’t. But I am here, listening and thinking of you and Maddie. Wishing I could do something to help.
There are going to be days like this, I’m afraid. I am so sorry you are having to live with this feeling. It seems so unfair and wrong.
Just remember – that which does not kill us makes us stronger. I know it feels like this will kill you sometimes, but it won’t. I promise.
I know that none of this, nothing, can take away your pain, and for that I am so sorry.
Just know you aren’t alone, even when it feels like you are.
Lady Lemon’s last blog post..In the Garden
Glenda says:
Maddie will forever be a part of you! will forever be in your heart! I am sending you and Mike HUGS! xo
ali says:
HUGGING YOU HARD, LOVE.
ali’s last blog post..right under my nose…
Vanessa says:
My neice Kari mentioned you in her blog “haiku mama” and I read your story. My heart breaks for you and Mike. The world hurts with you. I’m so sorry:(
MelissaG says:
My heart continues to break for you and your dear little one. I’m thankful that you are sharing your feelings and pray for your eventual healing. I’m sorry, a million times over.
Jenn says:
I hate grieving, but it necessary. I had a hole in my stomach that hurt so bad!! I felt I couldn’t eat, hated to sleep, etc and all this over a boyfriend. I cannot imagine losing my child.
Jenn’s last blog post..I have lost my mind, and I am looking for it
Kelly says:
I continually, continually cry with you and pray for you. I am so, so sorry Heather.
Kelly’s last blog post..And still…
Ana says:
Heather, I am writing not because I have anything worthwhile to offer. I don’t. I can’t. I just want you to know that your words are being read. With concern for you. With sympathy. Wishing so hard that things were not the way they are.
R says:
My heart breaks for you…actually my heart was already broken 4 years ago when my daughter died at 15 months due to issues from her prematurity (25 weeker) We did the NICU and my baby came home and then one day she was back in the hospital and then she didnt come home. I know how you feel. I know how you will feel in 4 years from now and it hurts and it sucks. I wish your baby was in your arms…I hate that another mommy has to deal with this pain. I have no words to say that will help other than I am sorry and that thru your posts and blog, beautiful Maddie will always be remembered
ali says:
Thank you. Thank you for being honest with what you’re feeling. Thank you for opening your heart to us, strangers, who cry and pray for you and your family. I don’t know you or your family, but I am drawn to your blog, with a knot in my throat and tears always ready to fall, and they do. What you’re going through feels so cruel. It’s unfair and there’s not a way to make it seem like it’ll all be ok when that’s not what you’re feeling.
Thank you for reaching out and truly touching so many people’s heart with your joys of parenting and the sorrow of losing such a beautiful, special child.
mythoughtsonthat says:
When my niece died at 5 months old, many people told my sister “God must have wanted her.” My sister often felt like screaming “But WE wanted her, too!!” Some days are like that when you lose a child and it really, really sucks. Faith….Hope….Love….Peace.
mythoughtsonthat’s last blog post..Lucky
Connie says:
(((HUGS))) Scream, rant, cry, whatever….it’s your life and your right to feel what you do, as long as you do.
Carrie says:
I simply can’t fathom the pain you are experiencing. I will be going through my day and then think of you and your sweet little girl and just get a pit in my stomach. I don’t understand why she was taken. It’s not fair. Please know I think of you and Maddie often.
mrs. chicken says:
There are no rules in this. No “shoulds” or “have tos.”
Love to you.
mrs. chicken’s last blog post..Really? Like, Really?
Liz says:
Hey Heather,
I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, but I think it’s pretty close. I lost my mom 2 days after you lost Maddie. Like you, I don’t want the pain to go away. I don’t think it ever will. When people tell me that it will get better eventually, I want to tell them that I don’t want it to get better I just want my mom back. I know our situations aren’t the same, but I do know how you feel today. Thanks for sharing your story and the feelings you have that go with it.
Liz
Christy says:
I’m so sorry Heather. Thinking of you..
Kathy aka Gams says:
I wish there was something…anything I could say or do to ease your pain. Know that I think of you often and hope that you can feel the arms of us all surrounding you in a huge internet hug – although it is other arms you want to hold. God Bless you with peace.
Kathy aka Gams’s last blog post..Goose Poo Redo
Stacey says:
I was enamored with Madeline just like everyone else and I am so sad for your loss.
I bought the Maddy Monster for my Madelyn (she’s 4) and told her the story of Miss Maddie Moo and that when she plays with her purple animal to think about little Maddie. Now my Madelyn says she can’t wait until she gets to play with Maddie Moo when she gets to heaven. She enjoys looking at pictures of her just as I do.
You and Mike have been a pillar of strength in this…..I admire you and pray for your family.
Ellsea says:
I can’t even begin to imagine how dreadful this is for you. I’m sitting reading this just crying my eyes out for you, for your whole family. I am so, so, sorry, and I just wish you the strength to get through this.
Ellsea’s last blog post..Robert Olmstead – Far Bright Star
Melissa says:
Why did she have to go
So young I just don’t know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she’s smiling saying
Don’t worry ’bout me
Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she’s smiling saying
Don’t worry ’bout me
It’s hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I’ll cherish
And I won’t cry ’cause
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she’s smiling saying
Don’t worry ’bout me
Don’t worry ’bout me
Don`t worry ’bout me
Redneck Mommy says:
I love you.
I am wrapping my arms around your heart as you read this.
Just breathe.
Remember to breathe.
Maggie says:
Today, right now, I am not OK. – Heather
I know this is hard but, for ‘today, right now’, breathe in, breathe out. That’s all you need do . . . for ‘today, right now’.
Don’t forget what I just told you. Some days, it’s all that works.
I’ve wrapped you and your husband in my prayers, Heather. And, I’m keepin’ ya there for a bit. ;^)
Amanda says:
That’s what we want for you, too. So much.
Maggie says:
Wow. Cross-post with Redneck Mommy. Looks like we were channeling each other.
Stephanie says:
Thinking of you with tears in my eyes . . . I’m so sorry your sweet girl is not in your arms.
Kristi says:
Just another person you don’t know who has shed tears for you, Mike, and precious Maddie… and lamenting the fact that the abundance of thoughts and prayers coming your way from so many can’t possibly ease your grief and sorrow. I am so very sorry for your pain. I admire you for just getting out of bed each day, let alone for writing and allowing all of us into your world as you navigate your own personal hell… a journey no parent should have to endure. But please know you inspire us all by doing just that… and through the honesty of your feelings as you do so. Also know that I, like so many others here, have stopped to enjoy a moment a little more, hugged my children a little tighter, and been a little more thankful each day because of you bravely sharing your grief here. I think of you each day and wish there was some way we could take away your pain. Since there isn’t, then whatever YOU need to do, say, or feel, in order to get through each day is what’s RIGHT for you…
Miss E says:
I’m so very very sorry. My heart and prayers go out to you.
Miss E’s last blog post..A Whole Lotta Love
Jeni says:
I have never lost a child so I don’t know completely what your feeling but I am so incredibly sorry you had to go thru such hard times. I know it will get better though. And I also know your daughter is looking down on you from heaven and is happy to see you doing so well. I bet she is very proud. You will see her again someday! And when you do she will be there with open arms!!
KimPossible says:
I am so freaking sorry. My heart literally aches for you Heather. What you are going through is the most unthinkable pain I could ever imagine. I wish there was some way to make it better, easier, more bearable. Everytime I log onto your blog I hope that I will read that you are feeling better, stronger, more hopeful. I am just so so so so freaking sorry.
Mommy Geekology says:
All I can think to say is that I think of Maddie all the time. She has marked us all and we’ve never met her. Her memory lives on, and I’m praying that you find some sort of peace, however small or shaky, in the coming days.
Mommy Geekology’s last blog post..RSS Feed Link Repaired for New Subscribers
Julie says:
I am just so very, very sorry. My heart breaks for you and your family.
Cameron says:
“Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart, and bids it break.” -Wm. Shakespeare
“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” -C.S. Lewis
Thank you Mike and Heather for letting us all love Maddie, too. Those of us who never knew her in life now feel her presence so vividly through your words and pictures. She has a very real place in the world. She will never be a Maddie-shaped hole in the universe that only you can feel. Our hearts rejoice in the happiness you and she had together and they bleed for the joys she and you will miss. No one should have to feel the agony of a childless mother. And no one who isn’t one can fathom how it hurts and hurts.
Know that we all want to make it better for all of you. If we could, we strangers and friends, coworkers, acquaintances and loved ones would push time back and force whatever powers there are to fix it all. But all the magic we have is our clumsy sympathy and fumbling gestures of hope.
We don’t know your pain, but we know it’s deep and brutal and lonely and hopelessly unfair. All we can do is breathe it in and out with you.
If she could come back and hug it all away, Maddie would, because she so plainly loved you. And because she was so loved and loved you so, she wouldn’t want you to feel lonely and unhappy forever. There is no agony like the memory of past joys in present grief. But those joys of your daughter were real happiness, those kisses were the best blessings in the world, and the sheer glee she expressed with her laughter, the beauty of her smile and the force of her short and brilliant life must inevitably someday outweigh the darkness of your pain.
I’m so sorry. So very, very sorry.
Duchess says:
Here and listening. Really listening. Really caring and listening.
Duchess’s last blog post..You tell me and then I will tell you.
Linds says:
i would bet anything that each person who has left a comment would volunteer to feel your pain, to take it away, for a minute, a day, a week to grant you some peace. but we can’t. we can’t feel what you feel and we can’t take away your pain.
i even wish i lived close or knew you personally so that i could take away some of your “earthly” worries, do your laundry or cook you a dinner or even mow the lawn. and ive never mowed a lawn before (ok, thats a different topic…)
but all i can do is leave a comment, let you know that i’m reading, i’m feeling, i’m thinking of you and praying.
catherine Lucas says:
Bruises on your soul… it hurts. I wished I had a magic want to bring your Madeline back to you…
catherine Lucas’s last blog post..Memories are made of…
Secret Agent Mama says:
:::::::::::sad::::::::::::so sad for you:::::::::::::::
Secret Agent Mama’s last blog post..I’m a Photographer and this is a Photo Blog
monica says:
just know that you are in my thoughts and i am so so sorry…
J says:
I am so, so sorry.
KC says:
I lost a child too. The difference between us is, I lost my baby before she was born. In some ways I feel that your loss is so much harder because you got to know and see what she was supposed to become. You got to experience the wonderful spirit of your beautiful daughter. I can only imagine my daughter’s personality. It’s not fair that this happened to you. Just know that there are others out here sharing the pain of this horrible journey.
Em says:
Praying for you!!!!
Praying for comfort and peace.
Em
from Australia
Haley-O says:
((Hugs)) I wish it wasn’t this way. I wish she were here and you could all laugh together again. I’m so sorry you’re living this nightmare. I wish I could say the right thing. There really is nothing to say. No words. But, I’m listening. Keep writing…. ((hugs))
Haley-O’s last blog post..Cheaty Gets a Part-Time Nanny
Momo Fali says:
I remember how painful it was to come home when my preemies were still in the hospital. Now, after this, that pain seems completely and totally bearable. It seems ridiculous to even refer to it as pain.
I think of you every day.
Momo Fali’s last blog post..Tenacity
elizabeth says:
I just started reading your blog, just before your beautiful little girl passed on….your blogs made me smile before the worst day of your life happened, and make me cry when i read them now…
i have never lost a child of my own, however my neice was stillborn…that was the worst day of my life. the one thing that my sister would get most upset about is when people would say “it just takes time…time to feel ok…time to heal” honestly for my sister, myself or any of our family time means nothing! our marin will be missed as much today, and ten years from now, just as much as we missed her the day she left our lives. maybe in time we/you will be able to manage the pain, but it shouldn’t go away…the amount of gut-wrenching pain will never be able to be measured just like your love for your daughter couldn’t!!!!! I pray for you and your family!!! And i hope your lovely maddie visits your in your dreams!!!
Overflowing Brain (Katie) says:
Heather-
It probably won’t ever be okay, but know that you’ll always have a huge community to rely on for support. It’s unimaginably tragic, I’m so SO sorry. I wish there was more to do or say.
Overflowing Brain (Katie)’s last blog post..Turbulent Tuesday: The Completely Random Edition
Celi says:
Hugs.
Sarah M. says:
God bless you, Heather. I can’t fathom your pain, but I can hear it in your words. I pray that you will find some small bit of comfort soon.
Randi says:
Why should you be “okay”? Why should you “get over it”? Anyone who is telling you this is a dick – excuse my language but it’s true. Your lost your child. There is no pain more imaginable than that in my mind. You shouldn’t “be okay”, you shouldn’t “get over it”. You will, and are, living with it, and with her in your heart.
I do know that Maddie’s story has made me cherish my own to just that much more, and has made me hug them just that much more, as I now realize, even more, how fragile their little lives really are and how we can’t take them for granted.
I want to wish you peace, but I know you’re far, far from it. I want to wish you well, but I know that you’re not and are not likely to be for a very long time. Instead, let me thank you for sharing your Maddie with the world – she is absolutely beautiful.
Rachel says:
Heather,
The tragic passing of little Maddie has touched me deeply – even without kowing you or your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers, I hope the days start to let in a little more sunshine.
Thinking of you.
ErinR says:
It just sucks. It just does. I’m so sorry.
Lila says:
Tragically, I do know what you are going through because my sister lost her only child, her beautiful 2 year-old daughter Natalia just this past year! She is like my own daughter so the devastation I feel is beyond comprehension.
Life will never be the same…you will never be the same….and her void will forever remain. I will be honest with you Heather…the pain will never go away, there will never be any acceptance….the grief will be a life-long process and you will learn to cope. Most days will be unbearable and every now and then…you will be able to just be…barely…but that is an accomplished feat in itself!
I do not wish our situation on anyone….losing a child….there is no getter pain that exists and no words can express the agony it brings…but you will soon make the choice to live for your child’s sake…because only through you will the world be able to experience the extraordinary person who is MADDIE! You will go on because you will want with all your being to honor her life! That is the only reason I am here today…writing to you….you must find a purpose to go on…mine is honoring Natalia through the foundation I have spent the last year building in her name! Yours might be the work you are doing with The March of Dimes on behalf of your daughter!
I wish so much that you and my sister could meet..we all live in the same vicinity….because we lost Natalia the same way….and that experience still haunts us….our stories have many paralles and I believe you two would be a great strength for each other.
You are in my prayers! G-d Bless!
Meg says:
It is painful to just read…I can’t imagine…Can only offer prayers.
liz says:
thinking of you- wishing you peace. i hope all of these comments- most from complete strangers like me- bring you some comfort.
cas says:
From one mum to another…my heart aches for you. You are living the most horrific scenario I can imagine.
jessica says:
look at all these people who are checking in on you daily. I dont think that i could say anything that hasnt already been said. You’re right, the pain doesnt disappear. it doesnt get better. you learn to function… most of the time. but that’s the best it gets. i have never lost a child. I have a 12 year old son. i cant imagine what that pain is like. i lost my aunt, who is also my godmother, in january. we were imensely close. it feels like i lost my mother. even in the pain that i have been trying to deal with, i can not imagine the pain of losing my child. i know that no pain could be worse than that.
you and mike have become part of my day, everyday. i read your blogs everyday and think about you and Maddie. I wish there was something that someone, anyone, could sayto help. i know there isn’t.
just know that thoughts and prayers are going out to you from all over the world, mine from Pittsburgh.
mosey along says:
You are *loved*. Feel the arms of the blogging community around you and just know that although we can’t feel your pain for you, we ache along with you.
mosey along’s last blog post..I’ve Got a Good Mother
Becki says:
It will never be okay. How can losing a child ever be “okay.” Maybe it will get easier but it will never be okay.
Vicky says:
I wish each one of us commenters could take just a little bit of your pain, maybe together we could all bear it.
CJ's mom says:
Heather, Mike, and Rigby,
I hate what you are going through. I want to scream for you. At God, at the world for putting you through this. I stil check on you daily and cry tears for you all. I can’t imagine how you feel. I am such awe of you each day. Your words are tender and heartfelt. When I put my son to bed each night, I invite Maddie down for a play date so she can teach CJ courage, strength, and endless beauty. I am forever changed. And I will forever support the March Of Dimes.
Always,
Cristy
db says:
There isn’t anything I can say, that hasn’t been said already, and even if there was…I don’t think I could. There is nothing more painful than the pain of a parents empty arms. Your all in my thoughts…
maeve says:
We’re all just aching for you, and bumbling along saying all the wrong things, telling you to hang in there when what we really mean to say is that we don’t know what to say, except that we’re so fucking sorry, and that we wish there were some way we could help you carry this unbearable load of grief around, and that we’re thinking of you and remembering sweet Maddie every single day.
Rebekah says:
Just another stranger, checking in on you daily but first comment.
People are trying to be helpful when they say these things – feel free to tell them to go straight to hell. You do not have to be “okay” anytime in the near future, or ever.
Do what you need to do to survive this. We are here for you.
Amanda says:
I have read your blog silently without commenting since April the 7th. I mostly don’t comment because I’ve never met you (you are a friend of a friend and I learned of your tragedy on facebook). I also have stayed silent because I feel that I have nothing to say that will ease any of your pain, so why say anything at all? When I first read your blog, it upset me so much that I didn’t come back to it for several weeks – but you were always on my mind and I wondered how you were doing. Then last night, I spent three hours reading entries from the time you got pregnant until now. You share so much of yourself and your family in your writing and your pictures that I feel now like I am a part of your inner circle. On my way to bed I picked my sleeping baby girl up from her crib and held her and thought of you & Mike and of Maddie. I held her tight wishing that your arms could hold your own baby. I thought of how you said that your arms ache and I held her wishing my arms could take away the ache for you. Then I climbed into bed and wept for you and your entire family. My mind wandered to pictures of Maddie so full of life – smiling, laughing, kissing you, and sleeping in her grampa’s lap and I felt as if I had known her myself and strange as it may sound, I feel, in a way, like I’ve lost her too. How strange it feels to care so much about a family I have never met and probably never will. There are no words to take away your pain and yet, here I am, writing to you anyway. I suppose I’m writing to you tonight because I feel that it somehow brings us together and makes me feel a little less like a voyeur who is silently watching your nightmare unfold. Your grief is so raw and so personal, I almost feel like I’m invading your privacy by reading about it. I think Antonia said it best when she said that she feels like you are writing this for a reason because it’s exactly the way I feel about it when I read it. You are writing this for a reason.
I have no idea if you’ll even read this with all the people who are writing to you, and I know you’ve heard this a million times since April the 7th and I know it won’t make a difference that you’re hearing it again but I feel like I need to say it – I wish that you never had to know this pain. I wish that you had had a normal pregnancy. I wish that Maddie had been born at a whopping 8 pounds and had left that hospital with you 2 days later. I wish she had never had to go back to a hospital again until she fell off her bike and needed stitches. I wish that you could hear your baby call you mamma. I wish that she could get into mischief so that you could give her a time out. I wish that you could send her off to kindergarden, and high school and university. I wish that Mike could walk her down the aisle. I wish that this had not happened to your family. I wish that this had not happened to Maddie. She deserved to live a full life free of tubes up her nose and tape on her precious little face and needles in her tiny arms and you deserve not to have to be haunted by what life would have been like had things been different. I’m so very sorry that you are stuck in a nightmare that you can’t wake up from….
The Happy Housewife says:
Heather-
I am sure you don’t remember this but you and I rode the shuttle bus from the airport to Blissdom. I haven’t commented but I have been following your story the past several weeks. In fact my preemie was discharged from the NICU the day before you lost Maddie.
I am so sorry you are hurting! I can not even imagine your pain and oh how I wish you could be holding your sweet little girl in your arms again.
I did want to thank you for your March of Dimes work. As a mom of a preemie I didn’t even know what March of Dimes was about until I found your site. Thank you for making me aware of a such a great organization.
Thank you for being so real and honest on your blog.
Toni
Cindy says:
Prayers for you and Mike (Rigby, too).
Kim says:
My thoughts are with you Heather! Hugs from Charleston, SC!!!!!
Chrissy says:
I lost my son. And the biggest thing I remember from the way people responded is… thinking that if I ever knew someone that went through the same thing as me, I wouldn’t tell them “it will be ok.” That never made me feel better. I know that what made me feel the best was when people just hugged me and said they loved me. Or when they grabbed my arm, and just said “I’m so sorry.” Or when people had good memories of things that my son did or how he made us feel. So consider this a big, huge, enormous hug.
Emily says:
Maddie is beautiful, and the way you write about her expresses that so much. The love a mother feels for her child is like no other and nothing will ever make you feel the way you do about her. I think you are courageous and strong and I look up to you so much. As I look through your writing your love for her feels the webpages and it puts a smile on my face. You will always be able to look on that and feel the same way you did at those moments as you wrote that. You will always have your memories and it seems your thoughts and memories are so preserved. You loved her to pieces and you gave her the best life she ever could’ve had. Even when you feel weak there is at least an ounce of strongness in you and you and Mike will prevail. My everlasting thoughts are with you.
Nikki says:
It’s not okay now, and it probably never will be.
Just know that there are hundreds and thousands of people who are lifting you up at every moment you need it. Your online family grieves with you, cries with you, and mourns with you, whether you know it, feel it or want it.
We love you, Mike and Maddie, and we wish you whatever it takes to make it through each moment.
Sending thoughts, hugs, love, prayers and more from GA,
Nikki R.
lisa wood says:
i have never had a daughter and can not imagine the pain you and your husband are going through.
It makes no sense to me, why she has gone. But know this, her love and laughter and her smiling face will always be with you. That can never be taken away, all those precious memories.
My love, hugs and kisses are sent your way. Maddie has touched my heart like no other little girl has, maybe because i only have boys.
Her face is just so delightful and looking at her photos are a joy.
You and Mike are just amazing parents.
Love sent your way xxxx
lisa wood’s last blog post..Grateful….Life Works In Mysterious Ways
Jen says:
I have no idea how I initially ended up on your site but I cry each time I read about your pain. I just wanted you to know I hold my children closer, play on the floor with them more often, and just try to be as silly as I can for the memory of your sweet Maddie. What a beautiful and special child. I pray that one day, God will fill your heart with peace instead of constant heartache. I pray for the darkness to somehow, someway, become light again one day. It is ok to curl up in a ball and taste what is still so raw. It is so unfair.
April says:
it’s just too much. i feel the need to “check in” with you daily. weird how someone in cypress, tx makes it a part of their day to “check in” on you, thinks of you, prays for you all. i know i can’t feel the pain you are describing but i want you to know that i and so many others are aching along with you – for you- for your maddie. please know we are all embracing her in heaven with our prayers and thoughts. {[[{HUGE HUGS}]]}
patois says:
I am so very, very sorry.
patois’s last blog post..Wordy Wednesday #59: Collage of Fun
Lindsey says:
Just wanted you to know I am still sending you and Mike hope and love and strength and well wishes, as inadequate as that seems.
Lindsey’s last blog post..In which I say “my uterus” way too many times.
Trish says:
Oh hon, I want you to hear that too. I’d give near anything if I could make that happen for you.
I wish you peace and strength. Praying for you and Mike.
Trish’s last blog post..Random Tuesday: April can kiss my a$$
Nichole says:
I am so sorry for you loss, the loss of a child is like no other and a pain that will alway be there. I found this quot that I keep on my fride and read it often in the 17 months since I lost my son.
“We find a place for what we lose. Although we know that after such a loss the acute stage of mouring will subside, we also know that a part of us shall remain inconsolable and never find a substitue, no matter what may fill the gap, even if it is completely filled, it will nevertheless remain someithing changed forever…”
sigmund Freud
Patty says:
Heather, I have cried so many tears for you and Mike! I wish that somehow we could rewind the clock and change what happened… somehow. It doesn’t make sense, This is all I have been able to think since that terrible, dreadful day in your life! You did everything you could, and it just doesn’t make sense that your beautiful Maddie’s life had to end so soon. I have no words of wisdom for you, even if I did that is not what you need. You may be told some valuable lessons in this, but honestly I think that you have to learn all of this over time. I’m sure your heart will someday heal, and when I say heal I don’t mean that it will ever go away, this feeling you have. It will heal with a scar, a “mark” of you pain. You have such a strong presence in this world, your baby made such a difference in this world! Please continue to write, I believe this will help you through this hell you are living through right now. I really Pray for you daily. I hope you and Mike are getting some counseling. I think that between this and writing, it will help you to somehow process this within yourself. As much pain as there is for you and Mike, lean on each other, cry together, scream together. The love that you have is what created the beautiful spirit that you had to give to heaven way too soon. She would want you to pull each other through this darkness you are in right now. You are a beautiful person. I am so sorry for your terrible pain and loss.
Saunders says:
Heather and Mike… Only the biggest Hugs for you guys tonight. I saw this poem and thought of you both. Maddie is a beautiful little angel. Thank you for sharing your story with the world. I admire your strength and your love. I could only hope to be half the mother you are one day.
When tomorrow starts without me,
And I’m not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
all filled with tears for me,
I wish so much you wouldn’t cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn’t get to say.
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you’ll miss me too.
But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I’d have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I’d always thought,
I didn’t want to die.
I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
and all the fun we had
If I could re-live yesterday
Just even for a while,
I’d say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven’s gates,
I felt so much at home
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne.
He said, “This is eternity,
And all I’ve promised you.”
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew
I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day’s the same way
There’s no longing for the past.
You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times
You did some things
You knew you shouldn’t do.
But you have been forgiven
And now at last you’re free.
So won’t you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don’t think we’re far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I’m right here, in your heart.
-David Romano
Sara says:
I hear you. I’ve walked where you are walking now. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
Sara’s last blog post..Leonard Cohen
Tracey Hewison says:
Heart aches for you, so, so very sorry. Words cannot help, are inadequate, possibly annoying. Since we cannot just ‘be’ in the physical for you, we try to let you know that you are in our thoughts and prayers. Bless you, sweet Mama.
D says:
I wish that every tear shed for your family by your readers could ease your pain a fraction.
wordygirl says:
I ache for you. I’m so sorry.
Vanessa says:
I am so hugging you right now. Lots of love.
Vanessa’s last blog post..Support
Heidi says:
It’s not fair. I’m so sorry.
Heidi’s last blog post..It’s Not a Penis, It Just Looks Like One On the Internet
Heidi says:
It’s not fair. I’m so sorry.
Annalien says:
I have not lost a child, but even just thinking of loosing one of mine brings unbearable pain, so I can only imagine what you must feel! May God hold you close in His arms.
Panni says:
I am so very sorry for your loss of your precious little baby girl. My heart breaks for you and your husband. Thinking of you and praying for you.
Krishawn says:
Heather, this is unthinkable and no mother should have to bear this kind of pain. I am so, so sorry.
Dra says:
I am so sorry
Kim says:
I’m so sorry for the hell you are going through. So sorry for the loss your beloved Maddie. It seems so cruelly unfair that a beautiful happy little girl who fought so hard to make it is just gone in an instant.
You don’t have to hang in there, you don’t have to be ok, the only thing you should do is do what ever the hell it takes to get through the day. Period.
Thinking of you constantly…
Meg says:
I am so so sorry. I think of you and your family every day and I don’t even know you. I just know that you are strong. Stronger than I would ever be in this situation. I am praying for you.
Annie says:
This post made me catch my breath, your writing even during this time is incredible. Your pain is palpable and my heart hurts for your hurt.
Jill says:
I won’t say it. I won’t say anything. But I hope that one day you can believe it.
Jill’s last blog post..Whatcha Makin’? Vol. 4
Alexandra says:
Oh, Heather, I don’t know what to say. This burden of pain is so beyond anything I can imagine. Please, please, if you need someone to listen to you, I will! Andif you need someone to always be on the other side to read what is tearing your heart apart, I will. You poor, poor woman: this is too much for a human heart to bear.
Krissy says:
Heather.
Please know that I have the same thoughts of you. I wish this was a bad nightmare and you woke up with Maddie in your arms. I wish Maddie was still crawling around your house and sleeping on your shoulder. I wish all of this as well. I wish you never knew the pain of losing a daughter. I do not know if you will never feel the hurt. I know you are feeling it NOW. I want to say someday it will be better, but how can I say that without knowing? And I want answers too. Why? Why did she have to go??? The best possible place for her is in her parents arms. But clearly, she really is in a beautiful place and the answers are for now, unknown.
I’m praying for you. Praying for some peace. For something to make things look brighter one day. I don’t know how they will, but I have faith in God and Maddie. They will see you through.
Krissy’s last blog post..What’s a Cracker like me been doing???
Kristin says:
Tears……just tears.
Susan @ 2KoP says:
It’s NOT OK. There is nothing about it that is OK.
Susan @ 2KoP’s last blog post..Confused by the Muse
Susan says:
I have no words. I wish I can hold you as you cry. Virtual doesn’t seem like enough.
Know I am still praying for you.
Susan’s last blog post..One Word Saturday
Cam says:
We cry and we mourn and we listen, Heather. We’re listening.
Leita Reyna says:
Love to you Heather! It just doesn’t seem right that someone has to go through so much pain. I am praying for you guys! Gosh, I always manage to have tears on my face when I read your blog… thank you for sharing- I know there must be people out there going through the same thing who read your blog and feel that they are not alone- feel some sort of relief that you are living and sharing your feelings.
Hugs, Leita
Leita Reyna’s last blog post..Care from a 4 Year Old
Katrina says:
I can’t imagine the pain you are feeling right now and I can’t imagine how it would be OK. I do hope that you are able to find just as much joy in the memories as you find pain.
I have been reading your blog for a while and haven’t commented because I don’t know what to say. I come because I didn’t know Maddie during her short life, but I enjoy getting to know her through your memories of the small things. The things that seemed too inconsequential to blog about before and I smile about those small things. The things that make me remember that it is about the small things, that the small things matter and I need to soak them all in. Thank you so much for sharing.
Katrina’s last blog post..Monster…
Mary says:
I will say none of those things…I just continue to keep you all in my thoughts.
Alice says:
I hate this for you. I am so sorry. She was the most beautiful little girl.
Dirge Without Music
I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.
Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains, — but the best is lost.
The answers quick & keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love,
They are gone. They have gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.
Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.
-Edna St. Vincent Millay