It’s been fifty one weeks since Madeline died. My head is spinning. I’ve been doing what I can to get through, but it’s all hitting me now. I’m overwhelmed, and I’m tired.
A year ago my daughter was alive, and we were so happy. A year ago she was alive. Next week, I won’t be able to say that. It steals my breath.
The anticipation to these horrible milestones is almost always worse than the actual day. At least, it has been so far. But this one…I don’t think that will be the case.
I’ve been playing a song over and over for the last few weeks. The lyrics are probably about a broken relationship, but they spoke to me:
“World Spins Madly On”
~The Weepies~
Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you’d gone
and let the world spin madly on
Everything that I said I’d do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on
I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I’m standing still
Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on
I thought of you and where you’d gone
And the world spins madly on.
I don’t wish that I was dead, but I feel like I am some days. I think about all the plans I had for Madeline. All the things I was going to do and show her, but I didn’t get a chance to, or I put off because I thought I had more time. My head aches from crying. I sit on benches, with my life broken at my feet, and I watch oblivious strangers go by as if in slow motion. I want to scream at them MY BABY DIED! But I sit there silently.
But the hardest thing is knowing it’s been almost a year. That the world really has kept turning. That life really has gone on without her.
I’ve made it fifty one weeks, but somehow I have to survive another one.
I’m overwhelmed, and I’m tired.
tiff says:
hugs, Heather.
Just hugs because there is nothing that will make this any easier.
.-= tiff´s last blog ..Of the talented kind. =-.
Nancy Smego says:
You and Mike are the bravest people I know. Maddie will never be gone in your heart and you are so lucky to have had her. I think of you every day and I don’t even know you.
Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com says:
Oh, Heather. My heart is reaching out to you, reaching out with the biggest hug imaginable.
I hope you know how very loved your entire family is – Madeline included. You will all be in my thoughts this week.
Alice says:
I’m so sorry.
Please know that we are all missing your perfect Madeline and standing behind you and Mike, arms open, as you head towards this dreadful milestone.
jennyalice says:
oh that song…
wishing you peaceful days.
Michelle W says:
I hate it, I really really do. My heart is aching for you and all I have is my words and my love that continues to grow for all of you and of course Madeline. You will all be in my thoughts.
CarrieB says:
Milestones are so hard, and so empty. I just hope that knowing we’re all thinking of you and willing you on will help, even if only the tiniest bit.
xx
.-= CarrieB´s last blog ..Full circle =-.
kelly says:
Big, big hugs… When things feel like they’re too hard to bear, please hold on to your precious Annie. She is here and she needs your love and support.
As for the love and support for you? We have your back. You and Mike.
Missing Maddie too, and would give the world to give her back to you.
.-= kelly´s last blog ..Little drummer girl =-.
Veronica says:
Peace and strength, from me to you.
Becca_Masters says:
Madeline may not be with you in life, but she will always live on in memories, pictures, videos, your blog, Mikes blog and your friends and families minds and hearts.
It cannot be easy having to expirience a loss of a chil, or any loss for that matter. For everyone who knew Maddie or knew of her, life has not gone on without her but rather with her. I firmly believe she is somewhere out there watching your lives and missing you as much as you miss her.
I didn’t meet her, in fact I’ve never met you or mike, but I think about Maddie everyday.
I will be thinking of her next week, and thinking of you all.
.-= Becca_Masters´s last blog ..Birthday Reviews =-.
Redneck Mommy says:
One breath at a time, one tear drop at a time.
xoxo from a family that’s been there.
.-= Redneck Mommy´s last blog ..Until Further Notice =-.
Bec says:
I never know what to say when I come here and read your emotion, but it breaks my heart every single time. All I know is that your Maddie is loved all over the world, so many people will be missing her on the 7th.
I still can’t believe it’s been a year
Catherine Lucas says:
Maybe the day will be better then you expect, as you seem to be anticipating the worst. I don’t know if it is possible to anticipate anything else. I never lost a baby so I have no clue really…
Know that we are here, for the few moments of comfort we could be to you and your family, if comforting at all…
You have inside demons and they are the hardest to fight. One thing though: once you hit rockbottom, it can only go up from there. Can’t go lower anymore… I do hope you reach rock bottom on that sad day, you have gone through 51 weeks, you can do week 52 too! You have to, for you, Mike and especially Annie. So Madeline can smile upon you all…
.-= Catherine Lucas´s last blog ..My Cesar Millan adventure… =-.
Lisa says:
Thinking of you and sending you strength.
dre says:
I don”t know how you do it, Heather. My heart aches to think of the prospect of losing my daughter, and I cry reading your blogs, about the nightmare you’ve experienced.
@kristeneileen says:
Today when I was thinking of you & Annie, my thoughts turned to Maddie, and instantly I thought **”I am so grateful Heather & Miked got to have her.”** I know that doesn’t begin to touch the pain of losing her, of the time she spent with you moving further away from where you are – it doesn’t touch it because I can’t. You just must remember that as you move forward, as you have to (like it or not), you will never be left without love and support. For you, there is no such thing as alone – if only because you carry Maddie with you everywhere you go.
With such love…xxoo…
-K
@kristeneileen says:
Mike, not MIKED. Sorry. Jeez.
Glenda says:
Thinking of you and Mike. Stay strong for Annie. My heart aches for you! Sending you hugs!
J in eire says:
Wishing so hard I could take away your pain, instead I just stand alongside you with all your stranger friends mouring the loss of Maddie but also celebrating that she lived, she was here, and we got to know her. I will light a candle on the 7th and hope it gives you small comfort to know that a light is shining in the darkness for Maddie half a world away.
Lucy says:
I couldn’t say it any better than this. My heart goes out to you, Mike, and everyone who had their life touched by your gorgeous little Maddie. She brought so much joy in her short time here.
.-= Lucy´s last blog ..The learning curve of motherhood =-.
Amy says:
This says it perfectly for me. Your words move me – it constantly amazes me that I am so invested in the lives of a family I have never met. That is how powerful your voice is….that I cry for the loss of sweet little Maddie, oohh and aahhh over the beauty (and brains!) of Annabel and ache/cheer/pray for what you and Mike go through.
Elizabeth says:
You have so much love directed at you coming from all over the world. I know it is hollow–probably everything is–but just know that so many of us care so much about you and your family and Maddie’s memory.
Be kind to yourself when you can.
Maddie says:
Hello Lovely Lady,
I knew this week would be hard for you both and all your family and friends who will try to prop you up and guide you through it, but nothing can prepare you for when it hits you in the solar plexus.
I don’t know whether you watch Oprah or know of Nate Berkus, but he lost his partner in the Boxkig Day tusnami while they were on holiday. I don’t think I can add links into this comment section, but this is what he said about birthdays and deathdays:
“Nate shares some advice that helped him work through holidays and anniversaries. When Fernando’s next birthday was approaching, Nate says he felt “horror.” But when the day came and went, and Nate felt fine, he wondered what was wrong with him. “What I really realized for me was that the date actually doesn’t have any power. The memory had the power,” he says. “When I decided that I wasn’t going to just automatically be sad in August and just automatically be destroyed in December, all of a sudden August and December weren’t scary to me.”
I am not trying to belittle your feelings in any way, they are your feelings and you have every right to own everyone of them. But if this past year has taught anyone who reads your blog daily, your daughter was a beautiful, bright, sunny little girl – who has brought us all together to cheer you, Mike, your family and friends on; people who contribute to the charity in her name and have people marching for dimes all over the USA to honour her and her memory.
I am not saying don’t be sad when the 7th April rolls around, I am saying don’t let it hold power over you – let Maddie shine through instead.
Much love, be strong – to you, Mike, Annabel and Rigby, I hope this doesn’t sound callous, as I don’t want it to, and I am not in your position or going through any of the pain that you are feeling; but love that she lived, over that she has passed.
It is breaking my heart as I type this, I feel so sodding useless. I wish I could carry some of this for you, take some of the pain, hurt and inevitable anger away. For the past year I have lit a candle every night to that sweet child who shares my name, next week on the 7th, I will light it for you and Mike to help you get through the day instead.
.-= Maddie´s last blog ..Goodness me – the perils of daytime television =-.
Annie says:
Well said. The day holds so many memories…and the anticipation of the day is unbearable. On the 7th I am working a fundraiser for March of Dimes. I will celebrate Maddie’s life and collect donations in her name. Hold your Annie close and celebrate the precious life of her big sister who continues to touch the lives of strangers. Prayers to you all.
mp says:
Good strong thoughts. I’m sure that mixed in with the grief is anxiety. Anxiety that you’ll feel like this always–five years, ten years from now. Anxiety that you won’t. Anxiety about Annie. What would you do if something happened to her, because now you know the world is a dark scary place? And there’s nothing to do but carry on. But it’s not true. You can do more than carry on. You can be strong for everyone around you, and importantly, for yourself. Easier said than done but absolutely the best thing you can do: believe in the strength within. And then dates won’t have any more meaning than what you assign them. Because in the end, this is the only thing we humans have control over–our hearts and minds.
Mary Jo says:
I am sorry beyond words for you, mike and your family. I can only imagine in my worst nightmares what you’re going through. We will be here with you in spirit, as we were last year.
Pgoodness says:
Much love to you and yours as this date fast approaches. You are a amazing woman and mama. Keep breathing…Like Tanis said, one Breath at a time, one teardrop at a time. We are all here with you.
.-= Pgoodness´s last blog ..On accomplishments =-.
Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
Wishing you love, and peace, and strength, and sending lots of hugs.
.-= Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last blog ..The best friends are free =-.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
We will be thinking of you and Mike over the next difficult week. Sending hugs of support.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..My dog needs therapy =-.
meg...ct says:
I wish I could walk with you and hold you up…
Thinking of you…as always, wishing you peace, happiness and love.
Sally says:
I can relate to this post so, so much.
With love, from another family who has been there.
xo
Kim says:
It must be hell for you and your family right now. Anniversaries are so, so hard. Be kind and patient with yourself. Let yourself feel whatever you are going to feel and know that it is normal. Sending big hugs to you.
Melissa Multitasking Mama says:
I am so sorry. Praying for you especially hard in the next few weeks!
.-= Melissa Multitasking Mama´s last blog ..Steps toward a natural lifestyle =-.
Kelly says:
I can’t imagine what you guys are feeling right now, but I know that there are many people out here praying and sending thoughts your way as this day comes closer.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..The Talk… =-.
Sue says:
My heart pounds, and tears stream down my face when I read your words, Heather. I wish that all of us (or even one of us) could make it all better, or better yet, make all the pain go away forever. Even for those of us who never knew Maddie,,,we love her so, so,very much, and can only imagine all that you’re missing. I wish that every one of your thousands of readers, and friends could be there on this upcoming day to hold you tightly,let you cry on our shoulder, and just be there with you.
All of our love goes out to you, Mike, Maddie, Annie, & Rigby
Kathleen says:
The anticipation of an anniversary is really, really hard. I am wishing you peace and grace these next next difficult days. Thinking of you and your family –
TwinCitiesLynn says:
On April 7th I am going to send some purple balloons up to Maddie to say “Hi” from MN. Anyone else want to help me fill the sky with love?
Linda says:
Will send some up to Heaven for Maddie from NM on April 7 too.
Krissa says:
(((Hugs))).
Mary Ann says:
The world goes on…seems so unfair without Maddie here. I hope you find some comfort in knowing she is not forgotten. She is loved by so many of us, who only met her through your pictures and your words. She will always hold a special place in my heart. I wish I had the words to make it easier, to take the pain away, and make you feel the way you did one year ago before all this happened. Hold onto the good memories, think of her beautiful smile, and wrap your arms around Annie and think of how lucky you are to have two gorgeous girls in your life. I promise to plant some purple flowers on the 7th to remember Maddie – I hope she can see them and feel all the love people all over the world have for her. Hold on, be extra good to yourselves in the upcoming days, weeks…my thoughts are with your family. (((HUGS)))
Elizabeth says:
I wish we could all be there with you on the 7th to help you through the day. Wishing you peace. Lots of love from KY.
Beth says:
Thinking of you… and crying tears for you…
Liz says:
It does seem unfathomable that the world keeps moving when yours has come to a crashing halt.
Best wishes for you all.
.-= Liz´s last blog ..And the Heartbreak Continues =-.
Cara says:
What a terrible thing you have been through and now facing a very daunting anniversary. You are so much stronger than I imagine I could be.
Don’t forget to lean heavily on your support system. your husband, family, therapist.
And that your husband is feeling all the same things and needs your support as well.
.-= Cara´s last blog ..Video Monday Makin’ Momma Proud =-.
Elissa says:
I am not a mother who lost a child, but I am the Auntie of a lovely little girl who we lost to SUDEP (Sudden Unexplained Death from Epilepsy) when she was 3 1/2. Yesterday would have been her 5th birthday. I know my brother and sister in law mourn her every moment of every day, and often we find that when a day is especially hard on one of us in the family, the others are also struggling. I will say that for me, yesterday was one of the most difficult days yet. I felt the same ache in my chest, sort of out of body experience kind of pain that I felt the day she died and in the ones that followed. This journey is difficult in my shoes as only the aunt. I will never be able to wrap my brain around how horrific it is for a mommy and daddy.
Sending love your way.
Hang in there!
Java says:
I am so sorry about Maddie. Life isn’t fair. It sucks. Enjoy what you have today because we all know we don’t know what tomorrow holds. Thinking of you and your family.
.-= Java´s last blog ..4 Sons =-.
yvonne says:
no words – just know that someone outside of Chicago is thinking about you
Mary says:
Heather and Mike, I am keeping you in my prayers this week. Know that you have the support, love and prayers of thousands and thousands of people. You have done a wonderful job of spreading Maddie’s story and her legacy lives on in ALL of us. She is loved.
Mary
DesignHER Momma says:
I pray for you every day. I get a knot in my throat just thinking about next week for you. One moment at a time, that’s all that can be asked of you. Surround yourself with love, you know you have it here. xoxox
.-= DesignHER Momma´s last blog ..I finally have gas! =-.
Nellie says:
My heart and my soul ache for you and I pray that you are FOREVER and ALWAYS surrounded by Madeline’s love, her smile, her gorgeous eyes and her infectious laughter.
I lost my cousin when he was 9 months old and I was 13 years old. To this day, I remember with sorrow and pain in my heart, his birthday and the anniversary of his passing. I may have not known then so much about loss but I knew enough to feel like something was ripped out of my heart, never to be replaced or patched up.
Sending you lots of gentle hugs…
charlane says:
Our family will be sending our warmest thoughts you way during this especially difficult week. I know it is no relief, but I hope that you are able to find some comfort in knowing that across the country in New York we are thinking of you, Madeline, Annie, Mike, and sometimes even Rigby, hoping and praying for you.
.-= charlane´s last blog ..A few Cake Updates =-.
Erica says:
Dear sweet Heather,
Please know that another stranger friend is thinking of you today and every day from afar.
I feel so honoured to know of your precious Maddie and her wonderful family. You are such an amazing lady and Mum to your girls. I wish from the very bottom if my heart your Maddie was still in your arms. I think of her every day and always end up smiling when I think of her amazing smile and face. Your Maddie is one of a kind, just like her Mum. I’m holding your hand from afar.
With lots of love
Erica
Julie from Michigan says:
Love you Heather, that is all I can think of to say right now.
Elizabeth says:
I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I know the words don’t exist.
Last week, my due date came and went. I know that in my heart, I am a mommy. Somewhere out there she…is. But I have no child in my arms and the ache can become so overpowering that I just don’t know what to do.
What I will say is that I dreaded that date. The date I should have held my baby and didn’t. It happened though and somehow making it to the other side did make a difference for me. I had lost her months before yet I felt that this date would make it more final. It didn’t. In a way I felt my spirit lift. Finally, I feel as if the pain does not have to weigh me down. She is out there and I am here and for now, I am okay with that.
.-= Elizabeth´s last blog ..Book Review – Here Burns My Candle by Liz Curtis Higgs =-.
Tara-Lynn says:
Heather….I found your blog just after you lost Maddie last year. Every time I see a picture of her huge smile, it makes me smile, and at the same time feel so sad for you. Life is just not fair…period.
Like so many others, I will be thinking of you and your family next week. I know we all wish that we could make the pain a little less for you.
Take good care, and know that there are many of us out here thinking of you.
xo
Tara-Lynn from Canada
Vicky says:
I’m so sorry.
april says:
sending you lots of love and hugs from NJ during this painful and tough week. We’re holding you up in prayers. love and hugs from NJ.
Alicia @bethsix says:
I’m so sorry, Heather. I’m sorry it’s been 51 weeks. I’m sorry it’s been one day, even one hour, you’ve been without your sweet girl. It sucks, and it’s not fair, and I’m so sorry the 52nd week is coming up. She should be here.
.-= Alicia @bethsix´s last blog ..First Photo Shoot With the New Camera =-.
Liz says:
I am so sorry.
My heart aches for you and your husband.
sending warm wishes and thoughts your way these next few weeks.
Jill says:
If all of us could just take the pain away I know we would.
The anticipation is usually worse, but the day will be bad and I wish that wasn’t so. You can’t skip over it because it’s all a part of the whole. I think you understand that — you get that. It is still horrible, but at least you have as good of a grip on it as one could.
The whole thing just sucks. Not such an eloquent statement, but a true one.
Hugs and love and strength to you all.
.-= Jill´s last blog ..Focus on what you have =-.
Con says:
I’m so sorry… I’ll be thinking of Madeline each day as they go this week. **hug**
AnnD says:
Daily reader, occasional commenter here.
Maddie is being thought of by so many, I keep thinking of April 7th as well and how close that date is. Many hearts will be with the little girl you created on that day. We love Maddie. I can’t imagine how horrible this must be for you. You and Mike will be in my prayers. Much love!
Kris says:
So many many hugs
Editdebs says:
Sending love and all good thoughts your way. I can’t imagine your pain. But I hope knowing so many people are holding you and Mike in their hearts helps just a little bit.
Fairly Odd Mother says:
I’m so sorry, again and always.
.-= Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..Pregnant with Cancer? You aren’t alone. . . =-.
Rachel Stoehr says:
Just sending some hugs and love from PA. We’ll all be hear for you this next week. :o)
Mary says:
I am so sorry, Heather. Maddie will never be forgotten. She made such an impression on all of us through your posts, pictures and videos. Sometimes I think of her when I see a little girl with a headful of curls or when I see a field of purple flowers. My daughter is the same age as Maddie and she recognizes her pictures if I leave your blog up on my laptop. Her life continues to brighten the world through Friends with Maddie and all of your blog readers that have been inspired to work with the March of Dimes. Love to all of you.
Jodie Brooks says:
Sending big hugs your way.
Delenn says:
Thinking of you. Hugs and love from MA.
.-= Delenn´s last blog ..Perfect Moment Monday =-.
Angie says:
Heather
The anniversary is a difficult time. For me, nearly 4 years later and never having spent alive time with my little Jordan, still have a rough time around the anniversary of his loss. Hugs to you, it isn’t easy as life just keeps going on around you and some of your life is still in that time before she was gone.
MBkimmy says:
((Hugs)) and Prayers that is all I know to offer – I am so so sorry and really if I had the powers to take it all away and reverse and make it better I would give them up to you – I am so sorry and I will be thinking about you!
.-= MBkimmy´s last blog ..Camping =-.
rachel cortest says:
Oh Heather, We all wish that we could take your pain away from you. People do not understand unless they have been through it. They are the lucky ones. It is such a shock that life goes on. It was inconceivable to me. We have five other children. Does that make it easier?? No, but it gives us a reason to keep on trying to survive. Annie is doing that for you now. But there will never ever ever ever be another Madeline. She did not get the change to experience years of love with her parents. It is not fair. It will never be fair.
maya says:
Maddie Moo will NEVER be forgotten. EVER. NEVER EVER.
She touched so many peoples lives. How many people can say that about their 17 month olds? Not many.
I love you, Mike, Annie and ALWAYS Maddie. She will ever be a part of me. We will make it through the next week together. Love you always.
.-= maya´s last blog ..Do they make Kosher for Passover Deep- Fried Oreos? =-.
Colleen says:
Sending you love & strength.
huge hugs too.
.-= Colleen´s last blog ..Mock Fighting =-.
Deborah says:
We will all be here with you next week, and every day after that. I know that might not mean much right now, but I hope it helps a little bit.
(((hugs)))
.-= Deborah´s last blog ..Bleeding Heart =-.
jen says:
Since there’s nothing I can say to make it better, just know that my heart is with you…always.
(((Hugs))) from here!
.-= jen´s last blog ..get up =-.
Mary P (Barnmaven) says:
Oh, Heather. {{{{{Hugs}}}}}
amanda says:
You are right, the anticipation is often so much worse than the actual milestone, but God, I can’t imagine how much it hurts. We are here for you. We are all here for you, helping hold up you and MIke, during this stupidly difficult time.
xo from CT,
Amanda
.-= amanda´s last blog ..sleep is for the weak. =-.
Anna Marie says:
It’s hard to believe it has nearly been a year. Hugs from NC, and as always, I am remembering and missing Maddie.
suzanne says:
I have been thinking about your impending milestone and wishing there was some way to help you past it. I am sorry that Maddie is not here, celebrating life with you, smiling her luminous smile and entertaining Annie with all the new skills she would surely have by now — talking, singing songs, dancing… If it helps you to know it, know that I am counting down the days with you — I cannot believe it has been a year — and I will be sending my love and support on the 7th.
Katie C. says:
I know what you mean about the anticipation of these anniversaries being worse than the actual day… My baby went to Heaven before she took her first breath last August, and as the scheduled due date of when she was supposed to be born kept looming ahead of me, my anxiety grew. My heart felt like it was constantly being shattered… When the day came, it was sad, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as what I had prepared myself for. I think it is just these milestons that give us the stark reminder that we don’t have our child, and it definitely builds my anxiety to a level that is unbearable at times. I find that if I plan something special, like a memorial (no matter how small, as long as it special to me and my husband), it tends to make things easier…
I cannot even begin to fathom what it is like to lose a child you have raised for a year… I know my losing my unborn child isn’t even necessarily comparable… but I do know that the pain of loss of a child is something that far outweighs any pain I have ever felt, and my little one had not even yet seen the light of the sunrise or felt the wind in her hair or breathed her first sigh… I can only imagine what you feel having experienced so many wonderful memories and moments with Maddie and then having that taken away…. Just relish every day those wonderful memories – in that way, she will never be gone!
Hugs to you, Heather.
suze says:
My heart breaks for you and Mike. Sending you hugs and love and wishes for strength and peace. We will all be here standing beside you.
.-= suze´s last blog ..it’s all been done… =-.
Candice says:
I was in an airport when I received news that my mom was about to die. I remember that feeling of watching everyone go about their day happily when I was devastated. It was a lonely place. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I cannot imagine. Your stength has inspired me and hanged my outlook on life. My son has a lot of problems (low muscle tone, developmental delays, vision, hearing, allergies…among others). Sometimes, when it gets hard, I remind myself how fortunate I am to have him in my arms. Thank you for the enlightenment. I am so, so sorry Maddie isn’t in your arms right now.
.-= Candice´s last blog ..Get Recall Alerts!! =-.
Lisa says:
Oh, Heather, hugs sweet mama, great big healing hugs. You are in my heart and in my thoughts today and everyday.
Love and hugs.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Breastfeeding Challenges: Nipple Confusion =-.
Nikki says:
Awww Heather, honey, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Sending you and Mike HUGE {{{HUGS}}} and tons of love and peace, just to get through the moments.
You’re in my thoughts and I desperately wish there was more that I could do.
XOXO from GA,
Nikki
Jen @ lifelove'n'wine says:
Heather and Mike, I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. I hope that as time goes on, it gets easier for you to make it another week. I know Annabel is there to help you.
.-= Jen @ lifelove’n’wine´s last blog ..Of Yoga and Booze =-.
Debbie says:
Hi Heather (and Mike!),
I don’t often comment on blogs but sometimes a post reminds me of my role as a blog reader. I don’t want to be a voyeur, so I’ve come over to comment and show support.
I hurt for you and I send my love. I love Maddie’s legacy and I promise to remember her. I wish that she was there with you, I wish that Annie could get hugs from her big sis.
Also, I just want to send extra love to Mike. I saw his recent post. I just want to show compassion for the struggle of going through this as a man, and having to juggle your grief with the pressures of meeting society’s expectations around masculinity. You’re a man, Mike, but you’re also a grieving parent. There’s no right way to do it – there’s only your way.
Best wishes to you both.
Must Be Motherhood says:
We’re here, witnessing, holding you up.
.-= Must Be Motherhood´s last blog ..Things/Folks You Probably Love But I Don’t =-.
Ginnny says:
I’m truly sorry, Heather and Mike. I wish I was close enough to spot you on that park bench. I’d sit beside you only as a stranger would, yet reach out and take your hand in mine.
.-= Ginnny´s last blog ..Yesterday =-.
Christen says:
I wish I could have wonderful encouraging words, but I don’t. Maddie IS an amazing world changer- to this day! She has changed the lives of so many that she never got to meet. You inspire mothers to take the time to stop and enjoy their little ones.
Thinking and praying for you!
.-= Christen´s last blog ..Beach Time! =-.
Stimey says:
I can only imagine how difficult this has to be for you. I am so sorry. This is so unfair.
.-= Stimey´s last blog ..I Dare You to Not Be Overwhelmed by the Cute =-.
Jenn says:
Hi Sweetheart,
When I read your post today my heart dropped and so did my tears. It is hard to believe anyone’s life can go on while yours was stopped so abruptly. It’s difficult to see others – stranger and friends go on with thier lives….being handed blessing after blessing while you are simply struggling to draw in a breath. It’s not fair
Someone once said “Time heals all wounds” but sometimes….it just doesn’t.
cindy w says:
Love you.
.-= cindy w´s last blog ..learning curve =-.
Emily E says:
I know it’s not much, but {{{hugs}}}
Katie in WI says:
I’ve been thinking about Madeline a lot lately.
I love to come to your blog and see her in pictures, her smile and her happy eyes.
Ms. Moon says:
Just…thinking of you all and sending love.
.-= Ms. Moon´s last blog ..Lunacy =-.
J+1 says:
You’ve been so much in my thoughts in the past couple of weeks. There’s nothing more anyone can say, really, but that you know we’re out here thinking of you and Mike.
And Maddie. Always.
Sharon says:
I understand completely how you feel.
I wish for you Strength and peace.
Be well,
Kate says:
Sending love and remembering Maddie’s smile and spirit in Minneapolis.
Just Jiff says:
*hugs*
.-= Just Jiff´s last blog ..Random Stuff. =-.
JustAMom says:
Soooo incredibly. You have to endure this pain. It’s just not fair. God Bless you. sorry
JustAMom says:
Ok well how did THAT happen? Sorry was supposed to come after incredibly as in “so incredibly sorry you have to endure this pain”. Not TELLING you “you have to endure this pain”. Jeez…. That’s what I get for replying from my Blackberry….. So sorry it came out that way. It sounds so insensitive. Next time I will wait until I get to work to respond
Shauna says:
Oh sweet girl. It must all just be so exhausting. I wish we could all carry it for you for a while. I’ll never stop aching for you and your Maddie-girl.
.-= Shauna´s last blog ..You can never have enough Halloween. =-.
Terri says:
Nothing will make it better but I’m thinking of you and sending you lots of cyber hugs. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of Maddie even though we’ve never met in person, she inspires me everyday.
Jess says:
*hugs* And lots of them.
.-= Jess´s last blog ..The First Time =-.
Deepti says:
Dear Heather, I started reading your blog when Maddie passed away and have been reading since. My heart breaks for you at the greatest loss you’ve experienced at such an young age. Please remember that Maddie wouldn’t want you to be sad but be happy as she looks from above. I wish for a purple sky on the 7th so that it can be a sign from Maddie. Maddie’s passing away has taught me to value my children and for every day I get to be with them. Lots of love.
Jay says:
As I approached the one year anniversary of the death of my son, I remember that I felt horribly alone. Everyone else seemed to look forward to that day or at least the days that came after because after a year I should be better right? I was isolated and reclusive and basically sat on the couch watching movie after movie. I rented Accidental Tourist , because it was on some must see movies list, not knowing that the main character had also lost his son. There were some lines in that movie that resonated so deeply within in me at that time, it was as though I wrote them, they don’t offer comfort or hope but at that time I didn’t want comfort or hope I just wanted my baby back, but when I felt alone in my grief I would remember these lines and know that “if someone else had wrote them, someone else had felt them.”
here they are……
“Every day I tell myself
it’s time to be getting over this
I know that people expect it of me.
But if anything, I’m getting worse.
The first year was like a bad dream.
I was clear to his door in the morning..
…before I remembered
he wasn’t there to be wakened.
But the second year is real.
I’ve stopped going to his door,……..
Now I’m far from everyone.
I don’t have any friends anymore.
And everyone looks trivial
and foolish and…
…not related to me”
dawn says:
I crossed 2 years from my Dad’s death yesterday. And I seem to be feeling some ease now. I don’t know why, and I’m not saying that 2 years is some magic timeline where people can expect us to be over our grief – but I feel some ease and some peace (not a lot, but some) this morning. Like I can at least face this next year and see what it brings.
The worst part for me yesterday was the alone feeling of thinking no one else really knew or remembered that March 29, 2008 was the day the air went out of my world and I became a half orphan. That lonely feeling sucked.
Mary says:
It’s a horrible road you’ve been forced onto. Although no one can walk it for you, we are all walking it WITH you. For as long as you let us.
Lisa from WV says:
Maddie’s legacy will live on and continue to touch lives, so even though she is not physically here, in a way she is. So sorry you have to go through this. So sorry that you don’t get to enjoy two little girls right now. That’s how it should have been. It’s not fair, and I’m sorry.
Thoughts & Prayers,
Lisa from WV
bessie.viola says:
In tears. I want you to know that I think of Miss Madeline Alice every single day. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her smile, and say a prayer for her.
She is so very missed. Sending love and hugs to you.
.-= bessie.viola´s last blog ..best laid plans =-.
MommaLionessMichele says:
I am so sorry for the pain you and Mike carry. I think of your family daily and will especially think of your beautiful Madeline this week. I know it’s not much, but I am sending you and your family love and hugs from across the country.
.-= MommaLionessMichele´s last blog ..3 years ago – Week One =-.
Rory says:
I don’t know if it’s right to mention this or not, but here I go anyway. This year, April 7 marks six years since my daughter left us. I just wanted to let you know that when I make the special time to think of her and the what-ifs on that day, I will think of Maddie too.
Marnie :) says:
There are no words. Big Hugs to you, Mike & Annie.
Jess says:
Not only will you survive, you’ll come out stronger. This month marked the 32nd year in the passing of my brother when he was a baby. My parents think of him every day, but they get through it, one breath at a time. This first years are the hardest. But think of how wonderful it will be to share with Annie the wonderful spirit her sister Maddie was, how one little girl captured the heart of thousands. One little girl changed so many lives in such a short time. I can’t wait to see what Annie will do.
Aunt Becky says:
Love you, girl. Love to you, my Maddie, Annie and Mike.
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..The Loveliest Way I Can Say How Much I Love You Is To NOT Have Your Baby =-.
Amanda says:
I’ve been thinking of you and Mike often over the last few days and I wish that I could say anything that would make it better but I can’t.
All I can do is let you know that I’m thinking of you all.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Because Clearly I Am Losing My Mind =-.
Amanda says:
I can barely breathe, I admire you for continuing to do so. I saw a tweet today from @pensieverobin : Love doesn’t die…people do. If ever there was a love that lived on, it Maddie-love. Thinking of you all.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Whatever you say =-.
Zakary says:
Much love to you.
.-= Zakary´s last blog ..Politics As Usual =-.
Michelle Pixie says:
Understandably tired… Much love to all of you.
.-= Michelle Pixie´s last blog ..Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder =-.
Chrisie says:
I hope that it is comforting, just a little, for you to know that I think of you and Maddie every day, and so many people do. The world has kept spinning, but Maddie is stil in our thoughts, everyday. Its not fair that she can’t be here.
(((HUGS)))
Andi says:
Speechless.
Many hugs for your poor broken mama heart. May you be healed. Maddie’s love lives.
xoxo
cj says:
i’m just so very sorry.
CJ's mom says:
I’ve been thinking of you and your family a lot lately, knowing this day is coming. We’re all here for you in whatever way you need. Maddie will never be forgotten. she is part of my thoughts every day and I’m honored to “know” her through your blog. sending you much warmth and comfort from the Bay Area~ Cristy
Trisha Vargas says:
I am so sorry you are going through this. Please know that you are never alone and that when you need someone to listen, we are always here.
(((HUGS))) from Florida
Amy Collen says:
Still running in that marathon with you, sweetheart. I have a few lyrics for you too:
“Trouble me, on the days that you feel spent
Why let your shoulders bend underneath this burden when my back is sturdy and strong?
Trouble me.”
Take care and we will all be with you next week :). Much love!
Sarah Badel says:
Heather, dear
I am a longtime reader who has never posted before.You and Mike are so inspirational to me. I am almost 60 years old and my kids are grown up. I am in awe of your strength and honesty, not to mention your terrific writing skills and wit. Please know how many people you have touched. I am thinking of you and wishing you some kind of peace through these unimaginably tough times. By reading your blog, you and your family have helped to make me a better mother, grandmother and hopefully a better person. Your message is so clear… don’t ever take for granted a single minute because life is so fleeting. All we really have is each other. You are truly loved by many.
Susan says:
Heather and Mike,
I am one of the many who reads your posts everyday, and want you to know how much your Maddie is remembered.
Hugs to you both. We are all honored to know you and your family thru your writing, so honest and heart-felt.
I will light my lavender candle for you April 7th, as I just did now also, in honor of Maddie, and the impact she made on this planet.
Gale @ Ten Dollar Thoughts says:
I wish my thoughts were more coherent and my words more eloquent. I wish my sadness could mitigate yours. I wish my prayers could bring her back.
I have nothing to give you, save for the acknowledgement that I, along with everyone else here, is on your side, wishing we could do anything to make it better.
Brie says:
I think you are awesome. If the next week seems like too much, just think about the next second. Maybe the next minute.
.-= Brie´s last blog ..Chocolate =-.
Linda says:
Peace and Blessings during this very difficult time. Just know that the entire world adores your little angel and will keep her memory alive for ever. Wishing that you feel our hugs and prayers on April 7. I already got my Marching for Maddie shirt and have worn it already, will wear it on April 7 and send balloons for her to heaven.
Mindi says:
Heather and Mike,
On April 12th it will have been 42 years since my brother died in my daddy’s arms after a 4 year battle with Leukemia. We lost daddy a few years ago…it is good to know he and David are together. As for my mom, it still hurts. There is always “I wonder” or “What would he…”, but the world moved on without him and still does. That is a pain for which there is no remedy. But I will say this. My mom and dad were happy again. They survived and their marriage was strong…they were married 48 years when we lost my dad. My mom has 8 grandkids…and in the mix another David. Life is funny that way. It moves on whether we want it to or not. We survive by showing our pain and opening ourselves up to the love others have to share. You and Mike have done this is such a graceul way. You will survive…you will be differnt, but you will know joy and love and hope…and you will survive. Your Madeline will see to that.
Jenn says:
Grief is so overwhelming and exhausting. I only wish I could say it goes away.
There is absolutely nothing that can be said to ease the unbearable pain of losing your precious Maddie Moo but I wanted to tell you about what happened on Sunday as I know you have said you love when people tell when they think of Maddie.
Sunday was an absolutely horrible day for me. Nothing was going right and I felt like giving up. Then all of sudden, the color purple popped up everywhere. I whispered softly to myself, Maddie. Later in the evening as I felt frustrated, All the Single Ladies came on the radio and Maddie entered my thoughts again.
So the world may keep turning and life will always go on, but never; never ever without Miss Maddie. Just because she isn’t here in the physical sense does not mean she has been forgotten. She will never be forgotten. You and Mike have made sure of that.
Love always;
from your Canadian stranger friend Jenn
Deidre says:
Yes dear I wish we could just stop time for a moment, and hold who has died in our arms. Your not alone, we are here for you, and I understand that there have been many years that the time leading up to our loved ones death is harder than the actual day. It is thinking of every second of what they were doing a year ago. Like you can remember it like yesterday, then at times the memories feel pushed out for several years, sorry ramblin’but nothing prepares you for this. I use to say it is sink or swim, and for my daughter I had to swim, And for you little girl, you have to swim. At least tred water for now. Better yet just float until you feel you are ready to stand in the water. There is not right or wrong and I know you get that. So just for today breath, but I know the whole in your heart is just bleeding. I am so so sorry.
.-= Deidre´s last blog ..End The Funeral With A Wedding =-.
Donna says:
I have been missing my mom this last week. Sometimes, I have to stop and catch my breath, it hurts so bad. I cannot even imagine what you are going through but I really wish I could take your pain away. I don’t know if anything could be worse than losing a child. I will pray for you.
I’ve also been wanting to tell you that your Annabelle is beautiful but then you already know that, huh?
Karin says:
I’m so sorry. Sending you lots of hugs.
Lacie W says:
I love the weepies. They seem to say so eloquently what I have such a hard time saying.
Claire says:
Heather- I am another of your stranger friends. I have read your blog faithfully since your post about being laid off appeared in the LA Moms’ blog. I had just been laid off too and I really related to your adventures with Maddie.
Thinking of Maddie’s passing still takes my breath away and gives me a lump in my throat.
I hope that knowing that a lot of people are thinking of Maddie, you, Mike and Annabel, and wishing you strength gives you some comfort.
I really believe that the love and joy that people give you while they are alive never dies. I hope, in the midst of all the sadness, that you feel Maddie’s love and joy.
I’ll be wearing purple in memory of Maddie next week.
Adrienne says:
I am so sorry.
Nina says:
My heart hurts for you.
I will send up a purple balloon for Maddie on the 7th. It’s on my calendar and everything.
I wish there was something more helpful I could do, but I know there’s no easing the pain you and Mike feel. I am so very sorry.
.-= Nina´s last blog ..Poor Little Rich Girl =-.
Jane K says:
So, so sorry and just sending prayers and hugs from Texas.
Lisa_in_WI says:
You are so incredibly strong.
I know you’ll get through that day, with the help of your devoted, amazing husband and your beautiful little girl. The love you give to them and receive from them is a reflection on what a great person you are, and what a loving mother you were to Maddie.
You, Mike and Annie are in my prayers and thoughts.
.-= Lisa_in_WI´s last blog ..My Hometown’s Contribution to March Madness =-.
Lisa @ lists in my pocket says:
My heart (and thoughts and prayers) goes out to you, as always. That really is a beautiful and haunting song.
.-= Lisa @ lists in my pocket´s last blog ..Steps to Green Living: Earth Hour =-.
Pammer says:
Yes, that song. I know it well – but not for the devastating reason you do.
Isn’t it interesting how songs attach themselves to you in certain situations – like little lifevests? I look back on how those types of songs have changed for me through the years and it’s an interesting journey. I hope next year’s song plays a bit differently for you — and that you have strength and peace next week.
Courtney says:
Heather, I’m sure there’s nothing I can say to ease your pain. I can’t even pretend to know what you are feeling. But, I do want you to know that I think of Maddie daily. Life just isn’t fair. I promise I will wear purple on the 7th, for Maddie and for Annie, too. Sending you healing light and love.
Lucy's mom says:
My heart breaks for you, I wish I could say or do something. Thank you for continuing to be here and share Maddie with us. I check in most every day and I always flip through a handful of the pictures after I read – her little face always makes me smile, always will.
Veronika says:
My heart just aches for you. I can’t imagine what you are going through and I can’t breathe just thinking of loosing one of my children. You are incredible to have survived this. I’m thinking of you all, Heather, Mike and Annie, with this terrible anniversary right around the corner. All I can offer you are my thoughts, prayers and hugs.
Mary says:
With an aching heart & tear-stained cheeks, I wish I could make it all better for you. But you are supported~there are so many here to hold you (and Mike up) when you feel you cannot possibly stand on your own. We’re standing w/you as this date rolls ever near. But because of you, your love, & your writing, every year will hold Maddie in it…even if as a dream.
Little Snowdrop
The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn’t bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.
The little one we long for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says of our love for you.
~ Author Unknown
.-= Mary´s last blog ..Cure-All =-.
Meg...CT says:
It is impossible to think she has been gone that long…
Maddie is your beautiful ray of sunlight that will always shine…through her pictures and your words.
Thinking of you…wishing you peace and strength as you continue your journey.
Danielle says:
Keeping you in my thoughts. You are all so amazing.
.-= Danielle´s last blog .. =-.
heather says:
thinking of you…
Alison says:
Lots of love to you, Mike, and your whole family.
I know grief is one huge, unmovable mountain, but if you can find one bit of comfort, just the size of a grain of sand, find it in the fact that after almost one year, tons of people still love and think about Maddie every single day. That she changed lives and her Friends are changing lives. That tons of people still love and think about you, Mike, and now Annie every single day. It’s not enough to make a mountain move, but it’s all still true.
xoxo
Mrs. Flinger says:
I love you lady. Even if I can’t bring her to you physically, you know I’m here to enjoy her spirit with you.
XO
.-= Mrs. Flinger´s last blog ..Drishti =-.
Issa says:
I wish I could do something, anything for you that could help. But I can’t. All I can tell you, is that I adore you and I’m thinking about you and sending you huge internet hugs.
Also…I’ll never, ever forget Maddie. Promise you. Never.
.-= Issa´s last blog ..Radio silent =-.
Molly says:
Oh, Heather, it must be so hard not to have regrets, even when you were–and are–an amazing mom like you.
I often think about how you really made sure Maddie lived each day to the fullest. Many things I put off until my kid is older (like watching fireworks on the 4th), you went ahead and let Maddie enjoy (and found that she really was old enough to appreciate). I really admire that.
I know this next week will be so, so hard for you guys. I wish you peace.
Katie says:
I am so sorry for your loss. Even though, I do not know you, I think about you most days. The other day I was thinking about how you would feel when Annie was older than Maddie was when she passed and it made me cry for you. I am just so sorry for your pain.
Christy says:
Exactly. That’s exactly how I feel. I am so sorry you are suffering through the unthinkable. I hope time is your friend.
Warmly,
Christy
.-= Christy´s last blog ..Good Weekend =-.
marslo says:
Heather, I admire you so much. I am another person who will be thinking of your family next week and grieving for you and the loss of your beautiful Maddie. I wish you peace.
Fyshwyfe says:
I cry with each of your readers. I hold my daughter too tight. On the 7th I will leave a candle burning all day and all night, and my daughter and I will wear purple. We love you.
Rachel says:
I can’t even imagine how much you miss precious Maddie right now. I’ll be thinking of you this week.
.-= Rachel´s last blog .. =-.
Brigid says:
I remember thinking that exact same thing “I can still say that a year ago she was alive” and I remember when I could no longer say that. Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers today and always…
Laurie says:
Heather,
There are no words, and I wish I could give you a big hug in person. You are the bravest person I know. I think you are an amazing woman and mother and I am so glad to know you through the interwebs. Know that you have so many people pulling for you all and sending you love. You have touched so many with your words. I have found comfort from you when I lost my sister. I hope you know how much you mean to so many.
binkytowne says:
I will be thinking of you and Maddie and your family in every purple flower I see. Sending you all the good thoughts I have. This must be really difficult and I’m sorry.
.-= binkytowne´s last blog ..Rightthissecond =-.
mythoughtsonthat says:
Faith….Hope….Love….Peace.
.-= mythoughtsonthat´s last blog ..Fifty =-.
Rebecca says:
Just wanted to add another comment to let you know that my prayers are with you and your family and I hope that knowing that someone from Missouri is praying for you and Mike and Annie (and everyone else who loved Maddie) holds you up on the rough week you have ahead of you.
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..Head Lice………I bet you’re itching right now?! =-.
Ray says:
On April 7th Maddie will be in my thoughts. I found your blog when Maddie had just passed away, and I’ve fallen in love with her through your writings. I think of her sometimes, but on April 7th, I will especially be thinking about her, you and your family. You are in my prayers.
anymommy says:
One more hug, one more soul out here thinking of you and your beautiful girls.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..Change Therapy =-.
Marti from Michigan says:
I wish I could come out there to California and just give you a huge hug! We all will be here for you Heather/Mike/Annie.
Over the last year, if I said anything that was inappropriate, I so apologize!!!
I wish you purple and pink sunsets and spectacular sunrises. I wish you purple butterflies. I wish you birds that sing clearly and lovely. I wish you waves on the ocean. I wish you love and joy, and a good future with your family.
Dana says:
I think about you, Mike, Annie, Rigby and Maddie every single day and I’ve also been anxious thinking of that date that is almost here. I will be releasing purple balloons on that day in honor of Maddie…I will write messages on them for Maddie and have my girls release them….I can’t imagine how hard this is and I’m so so sorry. I miss her too along with a million other people..she’s made that much of an impact on us! Hugs to you all…xo xo xo
Debby says:
I knew this day was coming because my blog is just going to be a year old and Maddie passed at that time. It is hard to believe it’s been a year.
Your and Mike are in my prayers. ((HUGS))
.-= Debby´s last blog ..TAKE A SEAT =-.
Misty says:
I pray for you often…………but wish I could do more.
Jamie says:
Bless you and your family. I simply cannot fathom what you have had to endure emotionally, physically, and in ways unimaginable. I would want to scream too….at the top of my lungs. When reading your post I could picture you sitting silently. I want to scream for you. Bless you and your family. I wish I had the words. That is all I can say.
Ania says:
I’m so sorry, Heather. My heart breaks for you every time you write about Maddie. How I wish I could take away even an ounce of your pain.
Hugs from Colorado…
ellie says:
I’ve lurked here a long time, but never posted until now. It seems kind of awkward to say this to people i don’t know, but I love you all so much. I love Maddie’s sweet face and I it breaks my heart that she can’t be with you every day.
Amber says:
Heather,
I’m just another semi-anonymous stranger commenting on your blog, and I don’t know if you read these (too many!) but wanted to let you know that I’ll be thinking about your Madeline, and you and Mike and Annie this week. I wish you all well. Also wanted to add that I know this song, and love this band–listened to it many times while thinking about my mother who passed away when I was 16. Best of luck to you and your family, again, you and your Madeline are always in my thoughts.
Lori says:
If it makes any difference, I won’t ever forget Maddie and I never even knew her personally. The image at the top of this blog is forever in my memory along with the sorrow I feel for you and Mike.
On April 7th I will be knee deep in taxes but I’m going to stop and light a candle for your little angel and wear purple too. It’s my wish for your family that all of these thoughts we’re sending out to you wrap around your hearts and home and comfort you. xo
jessica b says:
sending hugs your way. i know that it doesnt make it any easier that Madeline is gone, but know that her life has made a huge impact on so many people and that we all appreciate your sharing her with us. even though i have not met you, Annie or Mike, and never got to meet Madeline, I truly love your whole family.
Talia says:
I was at a wedding recently where the father of the bride made a speech with the grandfather of the bride, which was absolutely lovely. A significant portion of it was spent talking about the father’s sister, the bride’s aunt, who passed away when she was a toddler. The entire room was in tears at the beauty of the speech and the depth of emotion that was still felt for this little girl who had passed almost 50 years previous.
What I’m saying is – I can’t imagine what this little girls family members had gone through in the 50 years since her passing, but it was so heartening to see that she was still talked about, remembered, still able to bring together friends and strangers and still inspire such love. I thought about Maddie during the speech and in the hours afterwords. From halfway around the world and from a million miles away in terms of life experience, I can say that Maddie makes me stop and think about my life every single day, and what I could be doing better, and all the things i have to appreciate.
I hope the journey gets easier for you, and that you always know you have a million hands holding you up.
Tami says:
My heart breaks for you. I know it’s not easy going on with out your sweet Maddie. I would have so many feeling going on inside of me if i was in your shoes. I think we all would. life is so unfair, it really is. I wish I could reach out and give ya a big hug to know that i am there.
Christine says:
Gosh! I just can’t believe it’s been a year. You know all those dreams you had for Maddie, can be dreams you have for Annie too. Of course, it doesn’t take away the fact that your daughter can’t live out those dreams, but you can still see them come to life in Annie.
Both of your girls are beautiful! I am now having a second baby girl too. Daughters are the most precious gift in life! Enjoy the memories you’ve had with both of them and allow yourself to continue to have dreams for them. You can allow your mind to fantasize about what Maddie would have been. Just skip over the bratty teenage years though!
God Bless and good luck getting through the next week and every day after that!
Leslie says:
I am so so so sorry Heather. I hope you both make it through this week, and the next week, and the one after that.
That song pulls at my heartstrings. I would probably be curled in a ball listening to it on repeat and crying if I were in your position. You are so much stronger than most of the people that I know (in real life or on the interwebs.
Best of luck, I will be thinking of you guys.
Amy says:
Is this still the address to send you guys things?
11870 Santa Monica Blvd. #106-514
West Los Angeles, CA 90025
Thinking of you guys lots. just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.
Anastasia says:
I have the same question.
Heather, Mike and Annie, I am so sorry
Brooke says:
I’m so, so sorry.
Krista says:
Oh, honey. I think of you and Mike and Maddie and Annie and Rigby all the time. I know nothing I can say can ease your pain, but I wish I could. After everything I’ve read and seen at your website, I know Maddie was a strong, beautiful, joyful little soul and the world is poorer for her absence.
Catherine says:
I’m so sorry for your less Heather.. I know this next week is going to be so hard for you and Mike. Just do the best you can every day. That’s all that anyone can do. You and Mike are truly wonderful parents.
Brittany says:
Everyday, my love for you, Mike, Maddie and Annie grows.
These coming days, I wish for you all, strength and love…but something tells me you have enough of the love part.
xoxo
AK says:
Everything I think of to say is dumb. .
I am just so sorry.
You and your family are in my thoughts – I hope in some small way it’s of comfort for you to know how many people you and your little ones have touched.
Take care of yourself.
Tara. says:
My thoughts and prayers are with you both over the next couple of weeks. Be kind to yourselves, be kind to each other. Cuddle with Annie. It’s not going to be easy, but your two are so strong. There’s so much love around you.
Rosa says:
Oh I am so sorry. I love the weepies and that song will never be the same for me. I wish you peace getting through this anniversary.
Lindsay from Florida says:
If there were anything I could think to say that would ease any of this … I would. The truth is, it is unfair and cruel to a degree I still can’t fathom.
Hold tight to Mike and Annie.
We all love you.
Kim ~ CraftyMamaof4 says:
(((hugs))))
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of Maddie, she has touched my heart in a way I never thought someone I have never met could.
We drive past the place where we released balloons for Maddie twice a week on the way to preschool and every time we drive by my 4 year old says hello to Maddie. It brings tears to my eyes every time.
I will be holding you in my heart though this tough milestone and sending you my prayers.
.-= Kim ~ CraftyMamaof4´s last blog ..Rice Krispie Easter Egg Hunt =-.
Robin says:
March 26 was the 5th anniversary of the day I said goodbye to my daughter. She was 15 months old and died from complications of prematurity (25 weeker). The 5th was different from the first, but not by much. I wish I could say different, but it will be hard, very hard. I choose to let myself have that day. My mom takes the kids (now they are at school) and I cry and cry and cry and scream and totally loss it.. I look through her things and cry. I watch the videos and cry. I go to the cemetary and cry. I mourn like I really don’t get to all year. I grieve everyday for my daughter but on certain days of the year, I really let myself mourn the loss of my baby. Be kind to yourself…do what you need to, mourn your loss. I know many of us will be grieving with you
kim says:
I am so, so very sorry. I will be thinking of you and Mike, and, always, of Madeleine.
kim says:
And I do know it’s spelled “Madeline.” Apologies for that.
Sherry says:
Wishing you lots of love, prayers and hope from Kansas. I’m so sorry you are going through this and that you have to feel this much pain. Please know that I often think of you and Maddie in my everyday life, though I only know of you through your blog.
She is such a special little girl who continues to touch so many lives (and so are you.)
.-= Sherry´s last blog ..Who needs Merry Maids? =-.
MJ says:
I’m so sorry for the pain you feel. Thinking of you, and remembering Maddie. Take care.
Amie says:
The honesty and openness you have about your feelings is what inspired me to be more open in my blog. What was I afraid people were going to see? The real me? What I see in you is a brave woman who does her best to face each day as it comes — unknowing of what it might bring; unknowing of how she will get through it… but still facing it.
Though Maddie isn’t physically here with you, she lives on in all of your memories, your photos (you also inspired me to take more!), your stories and blog. She lives on in all of us as we talk about her.
I, like all your readers, have no sage advice that will take away the pain. I can only let you know that I am here. I am listening. I never met Maddie, but I will never forget her.
.-= Amie´s last blog ..Three Legs & One in Limbo =-.
Rachel says:
This post made me cry. No mother should ever have to say “my baby died”. It’s just not right and makes my heart ache for you. Give Annie an extra big squeeze tonight.
Sabrina says:
everytime i read your blog i cry and cry and cry. i just want to hug you.
.-= Sabrina´s last blog ..fun with mod podge: sign redo =-.
Mandy says:
I have cried many times for you. My heart breaks for you and your family. Thinking of your beautiful family every day!
Hugs!
Jen H says:
Thinking of sweet Maddie and of you all the time…
Leslie says:
Please just know that while life keeps marching on, Maddie is not forgotten. She is remembered daily ALL over the world. She touched more people in her lifetime than the vast majority of us can ever dream of.
Jamie says:
Heather–your words. Today, I want to scream with you. For you. Beside you. Because today, I found myself crying next to you. And today, I miss Miss Maddie so much…and I can’t imagine what you are going through. Wishing you so much peace…hope…calm…comfort. So, so very sorry.
Alexandra says:
This reminds me of a poem I always used to turn to, by Emily , “The world goes on m y son, but I’m not sure the reasons why.”
.-= Alexandra´s last blog ..Day 3 of The Red Carpet =-.
Lynette says:
Heather,
we’ve never met, but I read your blog often. As a mother who has also lost a daughter I understand this awful feeling you’re describing. From what I’ve read, you have been an amazing mother to Maddie and loved her with all of you. You will never get over her, and I know you don’t want to. Life hasn’t worked out like we had hoped or planned on, and yet we are still forced to keep moving and functioning in a moving world. I love the Weepies as well. I always sang, “I gotta have you” to my little Olive when she was still alive.
Kayla says:
Go ahead, be sad. You have every, every right to be. Let the hurt and pain wash over, because you can’t get to the good stuff without feeling the bad, you know?
And of course, we’re all here for you honey, all the time, every step of the way. I love you.
Adventures In Babywearing says:
I can’t believe it. I remember it so clearly, I was with Casey that day. And I am just a bystander, and on-looker. Many prayers.
Steph
.-= Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..An extra-ordinary experiment. =-.
Katrina says:
I’m so sorry. I wish there was more that I could say that would help. Your Maddie has touched so many lives, and there are so many of us out here who think of Maddie on a daily basis. She is that wonderful, you know….that we think of her all the time, and smile when we think to her beautiful smile, (and who reading this can see the color purple and not be reminded of Maddie? I know I can’t!) and there are some of us who have learned lessons from her, and some of us who are better mothers because of her. We take more pictures because of her. We take more videos. We stop and play and laugh more with our children. We dance to Single Ladies and say “wow!” more. I can’t take away the pain that the 7th will bring to you, but I can tell you that your little girl is in the hearts of all of us, and she will never be forgotton.
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..Happy Birthday, Baby =-.
Carolyn says:
Millions of people are thinking of you this week. It’s not the same, but it is something. I am so sorry…
.-= Carolyn´s last blog ..Pre-DSLR Pics – #1 =-.
coloradolady says:
Heather, I don’t comment too often, but I always read. Today, I needed to say this. Yes, the world has kept turning, as unfair as that seems. However, Maddie remains in hearts and minds all over the world. There is hardly a single day go by that Maddie does not come to mind for me. In a purple balloon, a child wearing purple, in my silly purple blooming rose, she always comes to mind. She is not forgotten. I feel the pain of this next week too, I have been thinking about you and Mike, and praying for peace. No words can truly describe how one stranger could possibly feel your pain, and wish it was all a mistake…but that is how I feel. Maddie touched me in a way I can not describe, and I am here thinking about her and grieving for all that is lost too. I just thought you would like to know that the world will keep spinning, and so will the thoughts and memories of your sweet Maddie.
.-= coloradolady´s last blog ..Quick, Easy, Delish: Enchilada Casserole =-.
Patti McKenna says:
April is my one-year anniversary, too. I’ve dreaded April for the past 22 years.
.-= Patti McKenna´s last blog ..2 Teens, 1 Lost Car & a Demo Crew =-.
tara says:
just take it one day at a time and take deep breaths. and i hope there is just a little bit of comfort in knowing that there are SO MANY people, like me, who think of you every day, and will be wrapping you in love and hugs on that dreaded day. i think of maddie every day. and i am always sending love and hugs to you and mike. xo
Kim says:
I know, I know, I know. I feel this way every year as August approaches. At first it was because I didn’t want to live without her. While I still don’t, now it is more that I don’t want for that much time to have passed since I last held her, smelled her, played with her…
I hear you, I understand, I love you.
Lisa says:
The 1st anniversary after my baby died was the absolute hardest. I had dreaded it. The day came like any other day but in slow motion. I relived minute by minute the year before when she died. Nobody called, nobody remembered. It also happened to be Mother’s Day. I spent the day thinking only of her. My husband and I went to the cemetery to spend some time with her and left flowers. This May, she would have been 15. I still dread the anniversary. I will be praying for your strength of mind this week. “When you lose your parent, you’re an orphan: when you lose your spouse, you’re a widow: but losing a child is so awful, there is no word to describe it”.
Michele says:
oh honey… thinking of you…
.-= Michele´s last blog ..Her Eyes… =-.
Linds says:
Almost a month after Maddie passed, I lost my dad.
It sounds a little confusing, mostly I’m trying to say, thank you for continuing to write about missing Maddie and thinking about her. No one ever seems to want to talk about missing someone like that, and while I can’t TRULY empathize with how you feel, reading what you write helps me.
Mishi says:
Just know that you have friends. And we are thinking of you, praying for you, and loving you.
.-= Mishi´s last blog ..Twelve =-.
Sara Joy says:
I know I’m commenting late here. I’ve been thinking about you so much and I wish I had the words. Truth is I know there aren’t any.
I know this feeling, this wanting to yell at everyone I see, wanting them to know what Hurculean effort it takes just to get dressed some days and I want to speak and hear his name, over and over.
All to say, you know we’d do whatever you need to help you through this, even though we all know on some level it is just for you to do. So many hugs, so much love for you guys.
Even when I don’t comment – it’s still coming at ya. Especially when you feel alone, please just know that you never are.
.-= Sara Joy´s last blog ..Hangover =-.
Katy says:
The one-year anniversary is SO hard. All you want to do is lay in a ball in your bed, with nothing to have to worry about. Eat all the brownies in the world, or eat nothing…whatever YOU want. And sometimes you can do that. But when you have another little one tugging at you and needing, needing, needing, you have to be PRESENT…and you really, REALLY don’t want to be.
I’m sure I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. Just wanted to let you know that I understand, and you aren’t alone.
Katie says:
I’ll be thinking of you and your family this week – and also thinking of all of the lives that have been changed for the better because of Maddie – all of the smiles she elicited and still does to this day, all of the money raised in her name, and all of the joy she brought to you. Much love to you guys.
.-= Katie´s last blog ..Hilarity =-.
Alexandra says:
Dear Heather-
I am so sorry for the pain that you and your husband have had to endure. It breaks my heart, though I don’t know you or your children. The grace and strength that you have shown through all that you have been through is an inspiration, and your daughters are inspirations as well. Watching Maddie’s video always leaves me in a puddle of tears. Her beauty and joy are inspiring, and her loss seems impossible and unbearable.
I will be thinking of you and praying for you and wishing you peace and joy of your own. You deserve that and so much more.
Thank you for your strength and your words. I hope you feel the love poring out to you from across the world and down from your angel daughter Madeleine.
Ali
Supa Dupa Fresh says:
Anniversaries do suck, don’t they.
Maddie is loved, and that love has changed the world. Look how many NICU packs you’ve arranged for. What a big difference.
Bless you for being here for all of us in grief, so we know we’re not alone, so we can learn about how to help and how to love.
Hugs to all four of you today — and tomorrow, and the day after that.
x
Supa
.-= Supa Dupa Fresh´s last blog ..Widowed from a May-December Relationship =-.
c.c. says:
i’m so sorry. my heart breaks for you.
.-= c.c.´s last blog ..for heather, for maddie =-.