It’s been fifty one weeks since Madeline died. My head is spinning. I’ve been doing what I can to get through, but it’s all hitting me now. I’m overwhelmed, and I’m tired.

A year ago my daughter was alive, and we were so happy. A year ago she was alive. Next week, I won’t be able to say that. It steals my breath.

The anticipation to these horrible milestones is almost always worse than the actual day. At least, it has been so far. But this one…I don’t think that will be the case.

I’ve been playing a song over and over for the last few weeks. The lyrics are probably about a broken relationship, but they spoke to me:

“World Spins Madly On”
~The Weepies~
Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you’d gone
and let the world spin madly on

Everything that I said I’d do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I’m standing still

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

I thought of you and where you’d gone
And the world spins madly on.

I don’t wish that I was dead, but I feel like I am some days. I think about all the plans I had for Madeline. All the things I was going to do and show her, but I didn’t get a chance to, or I put off because I thought I had more time. My head aches from crying. I sit on benches, with my life broken at my feet, and I watch oblivious strangers go by as if in slow motion. I want to scream at them MY BABY DIED! But I sit there silently.

But the hardest thing is knowing it’s been almost a year. That the world really has kept turning. That life really has gone on without her.

I’ve made it fifty one weeks, but somehow I have to survive another one.

I’m overwhelmed, and I’m tired.

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