For the last 24 hours, my physical recovery has been brutal. I pushed it on Monday and Tuesday, and my body made me pay with nausea, chills, bleeding, and dizziness. It sucked. That is an understatement.
At one point, I was finally in a position on the couch that didn’t make me feel like I was going to die, but Annabel would. not. leave. me. alone. I put the periods there to really draw out the annoyance I felt. It was epic. I snapped at her. I snapped at Mike. I was instantly sorry but I couldn’t say it. I just wanted to be mad. I wanted to feel something.
Eventually I went in our office and laid on the ground next to the couch. I looked under the door into the hallway. I watched Rigby scratch at the door. I watched Annie’s feet bring her to the door. She tried the locked handle. “Hello, Mama? Hello?” I watched her and Rigby walk away. I waited for them to come back. If they came back, I’d open the door. They never came back.
I laid on the ground for a while, but all I felt was the carpet.
When I tucked Annie in for bed, I told her I loved her. She rolled over and said nothing. She was mad at me. I didn’t blame her. I wanted to tell her tomorrow will be better.
Tomorrow has to be better.
AAAhhh Sweetheart, all you can do is take it one day at a time. I know you feel like you are really aren’t grieving but to someone standing on the outside…it really does seem like you are grieving….big time. I’m so sorry this has happened to you & Mike. Hopefully your Dr will have some answers for you sooner then later to ease your mind – if that is at all possible?!
I will continue to think of you & pray for some solace for yourself and your family.
With friendship & Support,
Tomorrow will be better…
Sometimes parents get angry at children and sometimes children get angry at parents.
This is okay.
In loving families tomorrow is allowed to be another day and we all get to start over.
I’ve snapped at my children plenty and we’ve all lived to tell the tale. If I think my reaction was unjust I apologise, if I think it wasn’t then I point out it was a consequence of their behaviour. They still love me, I still love them. Being temorarily irritated and angry will never shake or jeopardise that connection.
Be gentle with yourself.
It will be. Each tomorrow will be a wee better. xoxo
Yes, this exactly. Parents are not perfect, and our children need to know this, so that they themselves don’t feel that THEY need to be perfect. They also need to see that moms and dads have feelings, just like they do, and moms and dads have good days and bad days, just like they do. And just as they still love us no matter what, we love them no matter what. You are doing a GREAT job, and I’m not just blowing internet smoke when I say that
what a terrible awful day
Lori McBride says:
One day, one hour, one minute at a time if you have to. The people who love you will continue to love you as you work through this both physically and emotionall. Annie will be okay Mama…..the heaps of pounds of love that you have bestowed on her over the course of her life will carry her through while you work through this. More (((((((hugs)))))) coming your way. Wishing I could make it all better….all of it.
My words exactly! Do you know “Desiderata”? I wish you would read it. Be gentle with yourself!!
Love, hugs, thoughts, prayers from Atlanta
Hoping that you feel better, Heather. Please listen to your body, and don’t overdo. I know that’s hard! Hugs to you all……………….
I am hoping tomorrow will be better. . . if not the whole day than maybe a few moments. Sending you good thoughts and hugs.
Remember that unconditional love you just wrote about? Please remember that it works both ways. Annie may not understand all that is going on around her, but as your love for her is unending and without condition … her love is just as forgiving, all encompassing and unconditional.
My heart goes out to you and your family. Today is a new day … I wish you the best.
If not tomorrow, then the next day.
Why are you going through so much heartbreak to have another child?
You have had 2 very difficult pregnancies.
Why can’t people just be happy with 1 child?
Why put yourself through this?
Wow, Christine, way to be an asshole.
Really? Who are you to question people’s choices on how many kids they want or what they are willing to go through to have those kids? Why does anyone do anything that isn’t easy? Pretty obvious that the reward is worth it to them.
Debbie B. says:
It’s all good until someone says something stupid. Really stupid!
Wow, really? You’re horrible.
I’ve been reading this blog for a few weeks now and haven’t ever posted, but I feel compelled to respond to this insensitive and mean-spirited comment.
It is not for you to decide how many children another family should or shouldn’t have and it is beyond me why you would feel the need to be so unkind in the aftermath of such a sad event. Not cool.
Hi Christine/Eric’s Mommy/Cynthia,
Because we want another. If we can’t, we’ll be more than happy with our daughters.
Food for thought – if you aren’t comfortable leaving a comment with your real name, maybe you shouldn’t leave it.
Katrina @ They All Call Me Mom says:
Wow, “Christine” …. how sad must your life be, to even make a comment like this? Only someone with issues could be so heartless.
Spoken like someone who has never been through infertility or loss. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but if you had been through what those of us who have experienced infertility and loss have been through, you would want to smack yourself in the mouth for leaving such a horrid comment.
Really, your words are like a hot knife in a fresh wound and are utterly unnecessary and hurtful.
Like Heather said, use your real name or none at all. She has this fancy computer thing that tells her you are the same person posting under different names. You’re not hiding as well as you think you are.
i am thirty-nine years-old. i am spinster aunt jenny. no man has ever touched me. most don’t want to. the few who do? i’m terrified to let them. it shames me to say this. i work at pottery barn kids. and people ask me all the time if i have kids. no. i don’t. i dote on my brother’s children. to me, they are mine. i don’t tell them all that. and when they ask me why not? i struggle not to cry. i’d have a dozen if i could. but i can’t.
so this is why heather is making the effort. this is why any woman makes the effort. because she loves. because she can. because somewhere out there in that crazy cosmos that is heaven is a baby who needs to have heather as his or her mama.
my god. what the hell would possess you to leave such a tactless, hurtful comment such as this. my aunt had eight miscarriages. EIGHT. she also has six children. and they have children of their own. she didn’t stop trying for them after the second or the third or the fourth… why should heather?
Tomorrow will be better. Maybe not a lot better but a little. And with each passing day it will continue to get better. That sweet girl loves you.
Love and hugs.
Heather I know you say you’re not feeling anything, but I think this post proves that you are. Please remember that you’re allowed to feel like this. One day at a time is all you can do in this situation – please take it as easy as you can – and tomorrow is another day. It WILL be better.
It will be better. You have many bright days ahead. Take care of yourself…
Kids are so resilient. Getting out the feelings we need to feel, makes us better parents.
Y’all continue to be in my daily thoughts and prayers. Hope today brings a much better day.
Dawn @What's Around the Next Bend? says:
You have shown Annie that it’s okay to have feelings… that it’s okay to be upset and ask for forgiveness and life WILL go on. This is a skill unfortunately some parents don’t instill in their kids. Be proud of yourself (maybe not the day) and know you are being a wonderful example to your daughter.
Oh, Heather. I hope today is better all around, especially that you feel a lot better physically. As for Annie, it’s a blessing that children don’t have long memories.
Poor Girl! Have your awesome loving husband take Annie and Rigby for a walk or a trip to the ice cream shop when you are feeling like that. A few minutes of peace goes a looooonnnnggg way!
I feel like that some days about the lack of space and need to be alone, and I haven’t gone through what you just recently went through. Don’t feel bad about it (I know, easier said than done).
I can’t vouch for Annie understanding why you needed space any time soon, toddlers seldom understand the feelings of others as separate from their own. But know that her reaction to you is also going to be fleeting, and if she ever remembers this time at all as a big girl, it will be more about putting band aids on mama, than of mama avoiding her.
If it makes you feel better to explain it to her when she stops being mad, tell her that when mommies feel bad, they sometimes get fussy like babies do. It might help her make sense of it, but I wouldn’t dwell on it. Tomorrow is probably going to be better.
I’m not even a mom but I can tell you that you did nothing wrong, you’re a wonderful mother and Annie knows it. Any human being in such physical and emotional agony would need a moment alone. Forgive yourself for being human. Hugs.
You need to take care of yourself right now. No wonder you don’t have the energy to take care of Annie the same way you usually do. It’s okay. Weeks like the one you’re going through are the reason babysitters were invented. Call someone to come show Annie a good time while you rest and recover!
To commenter #12 (Christine), I don’t believe Heather was asking for opinions or advice. Perhaps you should keep yours to yourself. The decision to expand ones family (or not) is a very personal one.
Your comment was unnecessary.
You’re allowed this, you need it. You should’t feel guilty for needing to heal, in all its forms.
Long time lurker here…as others have said, one day at a time. I got diagnosed with a blighted ovum earlier this month (Friday before Cinco de Mayo in fact), and my emotions are still all over the place. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills at times, for reals. It didn’t help that I got really sick with a flu-like virus that same weekend (being sick and having a miscarriage is a double whammy I wouldn’t wish on even my worst enemy), but the days that followed were really brutal for me and everyone around me unfortunately. Every little thing seemed to set me off, and I ended up yelling at my 5 year old for not brushing his teeth when I told him to…I was awful.
Three weeks later and I feel somewhat normal again, but not quite. Feelings of sadness and emptiness still creep up on me now and again, but I also feel hopeful. Anyway, take care of yourself…don’t push too hard. Tomorrow will get better…
I hope you have a lot of better tomorrows coming your way.
It will. It will. IT WILL. xo
Each day will get a little better! HUGS!
Give it some time. It is all still so fresh. We are all here for you.
Annie and Rigby will be fine. A cookie and a dog treat I am sure will make it all better.
I wish it were that simple for you.
Oh, Spohr’s…it is just too much. I have had 4 miscarriages in the last 16 months due to antiphospholipid antibody syndrome and bad luck. I know the pain and fear and anger and jealousy. I’ve lurked on your site for years now and just felt that now was the time to say I’m sorry you are hurting. Heather, you have so much invisible support and prayers, as do you, Mike (Annie and Rigby too). Please don’t lose hope. Tomorrow should be better but if it isn’t, there is always Saturday… Take care of each other. All my crazy stranger love…
I’m so sorry, I know this pain well. Sending light and love, always always.
Oh Heather, I am so sorry:(. You are doing the best you can. Be kind to yourself. Xoxoxo
Anne DiNapoli says:
Hope today was better and that more importantly you are feeling better. Annie is one lucky girl to have you for a mom.
I am so sorry. I wish so much that it could be different. I suffered greatly emotionally from my miscarriage, and was very lucky that after the procedure, I had very little physical discomfort. I wanted to, though…because the emotional pain was horrible.
I get mad and short with Saeryn, too. She is very high-needs and that is ok most days. But we all have days when we want a few moments, and my daughter is not one to entertain herself, even for 5 minutes.
Sending you love and empathy.
I can feel your physical and emotional pain. I am sorry that Annie was hurt and did not respond but this is so natural feelings for her ! She loves you so much that she can only express her sadness through not talking. You are so much loved by your family. You said you loved your body when you were pregnant but your body is always beautiful the way your mind is. As you know your body is programmed by all the genes so there is nothing you can do and it’s not your fault. When I read your blogs I feel how smart your brain works. You are amazingly smart. We don’t have any control over our body but certainly you are lucky to have good intelligence and the family who loves you so dearly.Take care of your health and you will be playing with Annie again.
Give yourself a break. Just like you can’t force yourself to not feel something, you can’t force yourself to feel something. I’m certain those feelings will come. Just breathe, and go with it.
Nicole Singleton says:
Tomorrow will be better. Annie with wake up with today’s grumpiness forgotten.
Poor sweet darlings…all of you. (And that is not pity said with a sad clown face!) It’s just overwhelming love that has no way of doing anything to show it. xoxo
I’m so sorry. I hope today is going better!
Erin @ One Particular Kitchen says:
Be kind to yourself, mama.