Sometimes, for brief moments, I find myself doing the math. How many weeks would I be today?
We’d be finding out the gender this week.
In my closet hangs a dress I bought early in the pregnancy because I knew the cotton fabric would stretch well around my belly. I put it on. I look in the mirror. I hang it back up.
I overloaded on sugar last week. I wasn’t supposed to have sugar on my birthday; I’d already failed my gestational diabetes test.
I guess this is how it’s going to be. The realizations, the disappointment…it’s going to creep up on me.
Most of the time, I really am doing okay. But then I find myself doing math, or running fabric through my fingers, or looking at my stomach…
…and in those brief moments, I’m not okay.
Jenn says:
I felt the same way when I lost my babies and even to this day I find there are times I think of my 5 Angels & miss them. The hurt does get a little better over time Heather but, it’s never okay. Sending you lots of hugs!!! xoxo
Saskia says:
When I first read about your miscarriage I felt so sorry for you, but I had no idea what it feels like to lose a baby.
I was 7 weeks pregnant at that time and miscarriages were things that only happen to other people. I had it in my mind and every time I went to the bathroom I was afraid of finding blood on the toiletpaper.
A few days after you went through that nightmare I did find blood and lost my baby.
Today I would be 13 weeks along, we would have started telling people (only 3 people knew about the pregnancy at that stage), my belly would have started growing…
My pregnancy wasn’t planned, but it took us about 5 minutes to geht excited about it. We had started making plans about the future and it is so hard to let all these plans and dreams go.
I’ll probably keep counting the weeks until January and from then on I will have in mind how old my first child would be then.
Most of the time I am okay, but then there are times when it’s quiet and there’s space for my thoughts to wander.
I know how you feel, Heather and I am thinking of you.
Beth Mariel says:
stay strong heather <3
Stephanie Fiebke says:
I use to read your blog religiously, I have slacked in recent months. I had no idea you had a miscarriage…I am so sorry for your loss!
mccgoods says:
I am thinking of you I have had those moments.
Jen says:
I’m going through this right now- I would be 9 weeks. Lost the baby at 7.5 weeks. Constant math in my head. xoxo
Lisa says:
Hugs sweetie.
Cara says:
I would be 32 weeks tomorrow. I know how you feel, and I’m sorry! I don’t think you ever lose count.
Melina E. says:
I have no words of wisdom for you…save to say that I’m sorry. I’ve been there a number of times myself. Love yourself and love on the family.
Becky C says:
I am 5 years in from losing our last baby…as of last week! Every year, I remember every date. The date I found out I was pregnant (the Friday before Father’s Day), the date I found out I was miscarrying and my due date. You’ll never forget, the pain and disappointment will always be there, but you will be able to move forward, remembering your babies that were taken too soon and loving on the babies you are able to hold! {{{HUGS}}} ?
Mommy says:
I wish there was something I could say or do to take your hurt away. It’s not fair.
Thinking of you and your two angel babies. Love to you all!
Tamara says:
That is really early to be diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I was also diagnosed super early into my pregnancies with ges diabetes. It turned out I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome wich was causing me to have repeated miscarriages. Once I started taking Metformin (glucophage) 500 mg twice a day before pregnancy and for the first 3 months of pregnancy I did not miscarry any longer and have 2 healthy kids now. To diagnose PCOS you just have to have a blood test. It is a hormone imbalance and you don’t have to have cysts to be diagnosed. Just thought I would let you know because my doc had never told me about the metformin, I had to read about it on the internet. I am so sorry about the miscarriage, I understand what a loss it is.
TamaraL says:
I’m sorry Heather. It’s okay to be not okay sometimes. Hang in there…
Heather says:
Hi Heather- I have been following your blog for a long time. My heart breaks with yours. When you miscarried I had just found out I was pregnant with my second child. It was a bit of a surprise and I was so nervous! How could we have 2 babies under the age of 2? Then at exactly 11 weeks, I woke up with cramping and bleeding and lost my baby. We had gone to the ER right away and there was the baby on the screen. 162 heartbeat and measuring at exactly 11 weeks. How could this be happening when everything looked so perfect? 2 hours later, it was over. Today I should be going for my 12 week appointment to see the baby and the heartbeat but instead I am going for an ultrasound to make sure there is nothing in there. Feels impossible to get through but I know we will. I know you will get through this as well and we will both be blessed in the future. Seems like you and I are in very good company. Women all over the world experience heartache like this and we have to stick together and lean on each other. I will be praying for you. xoxo
ag says:
Just wanted to add to the voices who know a bit about what you’re going through… My original due date is coming up, August 4th, and although I have just recently lost track of how many weeks I would have been, the date itself seems pretty huge.
All this to say this miscarriage processing business is a sad, shifting journey. Let your great family love you. I can’t say it gets better, but it definitely gets different. Thinking of you.
Karen says:
*hugs* The stings do keep coming. I would have been due at the end of December – when a friend posted about her pregnancy due in early January, I teared up thinking how wonderful it would have been to go through our pregnancies together.
I am of course totally happy for her, but I’m still a little sad for me, and the baby that might have been.
Ah well. It’s just about O time for our first cycle back trying, so March may be the time instead!
Annalisa says:
Would it help if I tell you that your feelings are very common after a miscarriage and a totally natural way to grieve for it? That they continue even if you do get pregnant again and have a healthy child, even if they show up less frequently? Because they are, they do that, and it’s okay, and I’m sorry you have to go through this.
Joanna says:
My due date was our sixth wedding anniversary. I should be 24 weeks pregnant, but I’m not. I sit here with a huge hole in my heart.
Many hugs to you and prayers.
Elizabeth says:
Like many before, I sadly know exactly what you’re feeling. I will always remember the day I found out I was pg, when I miscarried, & my due date.
I was extremely lucky and got pregnant again about 2 months after my loss. I’m so blessed that I have a sweet baby in my arms now but I still wonder about my angel baby.
Lanie says:
I think it is ok to have those moments and to do the math. I have not brought myself to calculate the exact days. My sister in law as well as one of my neighbors was (well they both still are pregnant) pregnant at the same time I was. I watch as they get bigger and closer to their due dates and most of the time I too am ok but then there are those moments . . .
Sending you hugs and peace. Take care.
AmazingGreis says:
I love you!!! I’m here if you need ANYTHING!! XOXO
I know it’s hard. Hoping it gets easier for you soon!
Paula says:
Even with my precious miracle girl in my life, I still remember my two angels and wonder how it would be if they were here. My girl will be an only child and that makes me sad. But it also makes me realise just how blessed I am to have my princess when so many others don’t have that.
It’s natural to grieve and remember. Hold Annie tight and keep trying. Xxx
Expat Mom says:
I very frequently think about my three angels and what it would be like if they were here. I would have had an 8 year old this year! That just blows my mind.
FyshWyfe says:
It’s sad that so many of us know what you’re going through. A few weeks ago I got a tattoo to memorialize our angel baby. I got their would-have-been birth month flower. It really makes me feel better to see it and touch it. I have tattoos for my two earth-side daughters, and felt as though something was missing. Now I carry our entire family on my skin. When I see it I think of what it would be like to have three children instead of two, and know that my love for them would have been immense. It is just so so sad.