I had a good day today. I went to the gym, and I didn’t 100% hate it. Annie didn’t nap, but she was in an awesome mood. I accomplished a fair amount on my To Do list.
And then this came in the mail, addressed to The Spohr Family:
It was a punch in the gut, even thought I’m so glad they are still thinking of and including us.
Bringing Madeline to her NICU reunion two years ago was one of the best days of our lives. We got to show the doctors and nurses that terribly sick 28 week baby survived, and was living, and bringing us joy.
What are we supposed to do now?
The day of the reunion we have an unbreakable commitment, and that’s a good thing. Otherwise I don’t think I’d be able to stay away from the reunion.
I want to see the nurses and the doctors, the people that saved Madeline after she was born. And I want to apologize.
I feel like they worked so hard, and gave us our baby, and we failed. She died when we were responsible for her. They gave up so much for her, and we couldn’t protect her.
I failed, and I want to tell them I’m sorry.
K says:
Oh, Heather, how hard. I can understand why you feel like that, but please believe me (and I know everyone else here) – you did NOT fail. Sometimes life just isn’t fair. Sending lots and lots of hugs and love to you.
I bet the person who sent you that invitation would be horrified to think they have hurt you so.
Kristine says:
I just want to hug you right now. You’re going to be told this over and over and over today, and I know you won’t really believe it, but I’m going to say it, too. You did not fail. You did nothing wrong. Babies die. In our care. In our arms. And, it doesn’t mean it’s our fault. Babies die. There’s nothing science or medicine or moms (even the like A+++ always have matching shoes and purse moms) can do about it. It doesn’t make sense though. It never will. But, you did not fail. I did not fail. We did not fail. None of us.
Lauren says:
Ohhhh, Heather. What a hard feeling.
I know that in the midst of those dark, irrational feelings, being confronted with the truth (that you DID NOT FAIL, PERIOD) isn’t always helpful or something the brain can even process — so instead I’ll say that I’m thinking of you.
MamaCas says:
Amen. I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way.
Kristen says:
It pains me to see you blame yourself for what happened to Maddie. You did everything right, everything you were humanly able to do. Maddie knows that, and those doctors and nurses do, also. You did not fail her, you were there every step of the way, and your stories are evidence of that. Wishing you comfort during times like this, when no words can take away the hurt and profound loss you are feeling.
KK @ Running Through Life says:
I agree with everything Kristen said on October 27, 2010 at 12:23 am. Huge hugs to you H!
loralee says:
You know deep down that isn’t the truth, but that is what grief is in these moments-just the truth of how we feel in this hideous moments. It’s what is so awful…IT FEELS LIKE TRUTH.
And there is so much guilt and self-blame when a little one passes away.
SO MUCH.
And while loves and hugs and such helps, there is little anyone can really say can really fix that horrible feeling of failure. You just have to get through it best you can.
So, I’ll just hug you really, really, really hard and hope that the things telling you that you failed go away very, very, very fast.
And that they rear up less and that you beat them down more as time passes.
You and Mike were and are amazing parents to that little girl and to her little sister. xo
eliza says:
I really like what Loralee said here. All I have to add is that if I knew you I would come to your house and bop you on the head. NO Heather. No. You know it’s not true. I hope one day you will feel that it isn’t true. My first thought was man those doctors and nurses would be crazy knowing she felt that way. You two are the best parents. It’s truly incredible. I love looking at the pictures of how you slept with Maddie all those months with her 02 tank and all the pictures of you holding her and sleeping on the couch or chair or wherever. And you can see the same love and adoration and devotion to Annie. You and Mike gave sweet Maddie everything. It’s so obvious, particularly when you look at how happy Maddie is in every picture and video. She was a blessed and lucky baby for the parents she had. You two inspire thousands of people because of the people and parents you are. It’s true. You have made me a better mom and how many times have I read that same comment from others? You are the farthest thing from a failure as a mother that there can be. So bop on your head!
Megan says:
Loralee and Eliza both put into words what I wish I could say without sounding like an idiot.
Blessings and wishes for peace for you and your family. Megan
krystal says:
I dont think I could have said it better myself. You are not to blame, you and Mike are the best parents Maddie and Annie could ask for. We all see you guys do whatever you can for those girls.
Bridget says:
Yes, yes to Loralee.
Hugs and prayers…
Kisha Floren says:
I absolutely believe that in your shoes I would feel the same exact way. I felt that way when my baby went into the NICU-I failed at being pregnant, and that’s why she was a preemie.
But I didn’t fail, and neither did you. Madeline’s legacy, and yours as a mother, is one to be proud of. It’s heartbreaking, and unfair, but look at how many lives your little girl and your words about her have touched. I almost wish you could go to the reunion, because I am certain the doctors and nurses there would tell you the same thing, my friend. Much love to you this evening.
Lynnette says:
There is nothing we will be able to say that will make you feel any less like you failed. That is a feeling you may never get over. However, we can voice our opinions… You did not fail either Maddie or the NICU staff. You are an amazing mother to both your girls. I’m sending lots of virtual hugs your way. I am sorry you got that painful reminder today.
elinor says:
oh Heather, I am so sorry. You have never, and will never fail either of your little girls. The love you have for your daughters is awe-inspiring, thank you for sharing it with the world.
Alison says:
Sending hugs. I hope, in time, this feeling will go and you will be able to hear all of us saying that you certainly did not fail or fail dear sweet precious Maddie and that the staff at the NICU would all agree. But I understand how you maybe can’t hear that at the moment.
Tam says:
Failed? FAILED?
How?! You love that sweet girl, you went through hell at her hospital bed-side you did oxygen treatments, specialist appointments and god knows what else. For her. With her.
Heather, You didn’t fail. You succeeded, your daughter spent months at home, with her family who love her. And while no one could imagine precious Maddie slipping away when and how she did, it’s not your fault. If you assume guilt now, I promise you it will tear you apart, and for no good reason because IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND YOU NEVER ONCE FAILED HER.
Annie Y says:
Heather,
You are not a failure and you and Mike did not fail Maddie.
You loved her, and cherished her and enjoyed every minute you had together.
You were the best mom and dad she could have ever asked for.
XOXOXO
Veronika says:
You did not fail your daughter. Oh sweetheart, my heart aches so much for you. You did not fail her! You loved her, you protected her as much as you could, you gave her a fantastic life. What happened was not your fault. I know you can’t hold on to that yet, but it was not your fault. I wish so much that I could be there for you and your sweet family. I wish I could take this pain and this loss away from you. {{ hugs }}
Nikki says:
I so agree and add extra ((((HUGS)))) for you today and any time you need it.
XOXO from GA,
Nikki
Pgoodness says:
What Loralee said. All of it; completely. Xoxo
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Ditto all the above!
Jenn says:
Oh, baby girl. Your daughter was SO blessed to have you for the short time that she did – and anyone who has read this blog can see that. My heart broke when I read this. Please don’t do this to yourself. You did all you could to make her happy and loved.
Elle says:
Heather,
You and Mike loved Maddie with all your heart, with everything you had, and did everything you could. My heart aches for you but please never think that you failed your precious daughter.
I recently wrote this for my daughter but I wish I could do this for you too….”I want to take all the tears you have and make them mine. I want to take away the scared feelings and the pain, experience it myself”.
You are a great mother and I hope you know that.
anotherheatherfromcanada says:
Heather …. you are anything but a failure to Maddie !!! You did absolutely everything in your power to keep her safe and healthy ! Her death was unfortunately out of your hands, and I know it’s the grief talking, When my Robert was in the NICU I blamed myself as well, thinking I had failed to keep him inside and failed at keeping him safe. Heather …. you did not fail Maddie, you are NOT a failure !! You are one strong woman and an INCREDIBLE mother ! Love love love and prayers !
Helen says:
You did not fail. Please, NEVER think that.
I wish I could just hold you and comfort you, like so many people have done for me in the past.
Maddie wouldn’t want you to blame yourself for doing the best you could.
You are strong and a WONDERFUL mother. The only way you could ever fail is if you taught Annie that hard drugs are cool, and that harming people is the “thing” to do. Two things I’m certain you would never do.
Meg...CT says:
Wishing you peace for your broken heart.
Sally says:
Dearest Heather. Oh I’m just so sad and sorry to read this. I could sit here and tell you not to feel that way, but I know myself I carry a lot of blame and guilt that I can’t always shake either. I hope deep down you know you never, EVER failed her. You were the best mum you could possibly be to Maddie, and so much more.
I can just imagine how seeing this invite would have stung today. Things like this always jump out and trip up us grieving mothers. Even on the good days.
Sending love to you today and hoping tomorrow is much better.
xo
karen says:
Heather, I am so sorry you are still hit with these painful reminders…and I’m sorry, too, that you still blame yourself for Maddie’s death. It’s one torment you shouldn’t bear, because you were not to blame. You are torturing yourself by thinking this way, throwing salt in a wound… why would you do this to YOU. I’m sure you’ve been over this with your counselor and truly who am I to say anything at all… but it stands out so clearly when I read this post. Find a way not to do that to yourself anymore, it serves no purpose other than to hurt you further and it isn’t even a truth. You and Mike were wonderful awesome terrific parents. What happened was one of those horrible things, but not brought on by YOU.
Sherri says:
Oh Heather…wish I could give you a big hug and tell you how you did anything but fail your Maddie. You and Mike loved her with everything you have, just as you do for Annie.
Hugs!
Sherri
Sarah the Bear says:
It’s difficult not to feel that way, I’m sure. But here’s the thing: you coulld not possibly have failed. For one thing, look at pictures of that gorgeous baby. She was so happy, she had such fun. You raised a smart, sassy, brave little lady for as long as you were meant to raise her; you succeeded. The thing about Maddie that I’ve noticed is that she was less like a baby and more like a shooting star. You can see it in her eyes in some of her photos. I don’t mean to sound insensitive, that’s certainly not where I’m coming from. She was so, so special, and you were chosen to have her for as long as anybody could have. That is something, one of few, that I really believe.
Thurieyyah says:
As far as I knw u one cool mom! who does her best for her little girls!
Susan says:
I’m sorry that this invitation is causing you pain. You and Mike did not fail. You loved that child. You continue to love her and talk about her and keep her memory alive. You fought like hell when she was so sick, and you continue to fight for her through March of Dimes and Friends of Maddie. These are not the actions of a parent who has let her child down.
Love to you, Mike, and Annie.
Mary says:
you did not fail Maddie at all. Maddie LIVED, she thrived with you. She was a brilliant, beautiful, sweet, incredible little girl. Who touched more people in her short life than many others do in 100 years.
Jen L. says:
Oh, sweetheart, you didn’t fail. It breaks my heart that you feel that way. You were and continue to be a wonderful mom to Maddie and Annie. Maddie was one of the happiest children EVER. Her life was entirely too short, but it was full of so much love and happiness, thanks to you, Mike and countless others who adore her. xoxo
Angie says:
I’ll just say “ditto” to what all of the other posts have said, because I have no additional insight to offer. You did not fail. Maddie had so much love from you, from Mike, from your family and friends.
Kylee says:
Praying for you. You didn’t fail, plain and simple.
Katie says:
You didn’t fail, Heather. Your little girl was just too much for this world to handle. I love when you post pictures of her, I feel like this little wave of happiness pour into me and it makes my day a whole lot brighter.
Jenny says:
You didn’t fail. Maddie never spent a day unloved or unwanted. That is a parenting win. I’m so sorry that her light could not last longer.
vickie says:
perfectly said
Hannah says:
Yes. This.
Wishing you peace and comfort.
janeen says:
Love this statement. Well said!
Nadine says:
I fully agree. You did not fail.
Laura says:
Agreed. You are an awesome mom! So sorry the invitation is making your heart hurt more today
kellybloom says:
Now wait a minute. You did not fail Maddie. You were an amazing mother to her for her admittedly short life. And you are included for the reunion because Maddie WAS a success story! She made it out of the NICU and thrived under your care! Long term lung problems are part of the package with premies, though, and there is no guarantee when you bring any baby home, term or not. One of the most troubling things I worry about as a parent is the lack of control I have regarding my children’s health. I have had friends lose children to cancer or accidents, miscarriage and prematurity. I do not claim to understand their grief, even in the slightest, but I do experience my own feelings of fear regarding the well-being of my kids. I can only think that those feelings pale in comparison to yours or any other mother or father who has either lost a child or has a child with health problems.
You are nothing but a SUCCESS story in my eyes.
Heather says:
You didn’t fail Heather, neither did Mike.
You both gave her the very best time that Maddie could have had and that anyone could have expected in such a short time.
I’m sorry you got the invitatation, but I suspect it would have hurt you equally had you been left off of their list too. There’s no way around that one unfortuantely.
I wish I had more to say that would help, but I can only send good thoughts…
AmazingGreis says:
Oh, Heather! Sending lots of hugs and love your way. (((hugs)))
Ditto to everything Loralee said.
It was not your fault!
Love you! XOXO
Robyn says:
Oh Heather… you most certainly didn’t fail. You gave that beautiful girl every ounce of love you had. Maddie’s life was bursting with love and happiness and she had wonderful people to spend it with. I’m sure the NICU doctors and nurses would be so happy that just as they gave everything they had to save her, YOU gave her everything to make everyday of her life special. Every picture I see of Maddie makes me smile. The love you share is evident in each picture. And through you, Maddie’s beauty lives on… through the stories you share, the lives you touch with Friends of Maddie, and through each one of us who has been lucky enough to stumble across your blog. Thanks for sharing your beautiful girl with all of us!
Susan says:
…just listening.
Chris says:
Oh Heather, how I want to wrap you in a hug, tell you you didn’t fail. And I wish I had words to offer, but today all I can is a long distance hug
Nicole says:
You did not fail. It probably doesn’t mean much to hear that from a stranger. However PLEASE try and believe it. Life can’t be controlled.
You’re angel wouldn’t want you to torture yourself with these thoughts.
Hoping you have a good day today. xo
Mary Ann says:
Oh Heather you didn’t fail – things happen out of our control no matter how hard we try things just happen. Sending you hugs today.
mary c says:
I’m going to have to agree with everyone above and tell you that you did not fail.
Lots of hugs with love!
Paige says:
Heather, I am so sorry for your heartache. You did not fail her. You loved her and cherished her and did everything humanly possible for her. I know it and everybody who knows you knows it.. and one day you will know it too. Sending you lots of love today.
Paige
Jenn says:
You did everything your Mama instinct told you to. You even said, the night before she didn’t have a fever and it seemed like a cold. You got her right in the next morning. How can that be a failure? You stayed with Maddie 24 hrs a day….Failure? NO. You were there when she coded, you made sure she heard your voice…and I believe with everything, she did. Failure? NO WAY! You even cleaned her up afterwards, and had the strength to thank everyone for trying to save Maddie. That’s not Failure Heather…..that’s STRENGTH.
If I were your NICU nurse and you said sorry to me and how you felt like a failure, I would be CRUSHED!!! Yes, they fought to save Maddie but I’m sure nurses and Dr’s did so as well on that awful April evening.
No one knows why Maddie had to go and although you will never get over that, blaming yourself is uselss. For 1, it’s so NOT TRUE and 2nd, it does nothing but bring you MORE grief and sadness and YOU DON’T DESERVE THAT HEATHER!!!!
If love and committement were based on Maddie’s survival, she would be here today b/c we all know how much you love, cherish and fought for that little girl. She was your everything, you could see it in your eyes, heart & soul!!!
Please sweetheart, try to be kind to yourself….Maddie would want you to be…. just as much as we all do.
Thinking of you today & ALWAYS!!!
cj says:
i’m so sorry. you most definitely did not fail anyone, especially your beautiful daughter….you were the most amazing mom to her that anyone could be and you continue to be an amazing mom to her little sister. take care of yourself.
AJ says:
YOU. DID. NOT. FAIL.
There are things that happen in this world that are outside of our control. Crappy, terrible, horrible, unfair things. What happened with Madeline was one of those unfathomable things.
But it was outside your control.
You did everything you were supposed to do. You love her immensely and gave her the best life possible while she was here on Earth. That’s the only part that was in your control, and you did that, and you did it well.
I can’t possibly imagine what it’s like to go through what you did, but I can tell you I read your blog everyday, and I think you’re a wonderful mother, and I try little things to be like you.
deanna says:
heather.
you did not fail.
you did not fail.
you did not fail.
as a pediatric critical care medical professional (who only knows of you through your writings here) i think maybe we failed you. and for that im so incredibly sorry. were not perfect. and maybe we tried, but we failed in that we couldnt save your beautiful daughter. and we failed in that we made you feel like you had to live up to our expectations, like you owed us an apology. your beautiful baby was so clearly loved and we failed to make sure you knew that *that* was the most important part of all. in the end its not about us. its about you–the patients, the families, the love your share with each other and spread to those around you. that was why we do what we do. and sometimes, maybe, we forget. and for that, too, im sorry. im so incredibly sorry.
thank you, heather. thank you for this important reminder. as medical professionals we can learn so much from our patients and their families. and maybe this means nothing coming from someone youve never met, but ive learned more from you than you will probably ever know. i can only hope my patients and their families will be the better for it.
suzanne says:
NO!! I know part of you feels like this is the truth, but another part of you must know it is not. I ache over your pain, grief and the inevitable guilt you must carry around with you, however unfounded that guilt is. I wish I could flip a switch that turned the guilt off — it is hard enough to carry on without her, why must you bear the additional burden of feeling that you failed? Failure implies responsibility, and you had no responsibility for what happened, none. You could not have controlled the outcome of that situation, and you responded better than many of us would have. You are a great mother.
Editdebs says:
As everyone else has said, you did not fail. Sending love and hugs your way.
Deborah says:
You did NOT fail. You did not fail. You did not fail.
(((hugs)))
Lizard Breath says:
I don’t comment often but I absolutely had to comment today. YOU DID NOT FAIL. None of you did. You owe no one an apology. You live life to the fullest, you make every experience matter, you take nothing for granted. YOU DID NOT FAIL.
Erica says:
I opened the comment section to leave a fervent “you did not fail!” But what good would that do? You FEEL like you failed and that’s all that matters. Instead, may I offer an alternate viewpoint?
Perhaps Maddie’s life was exactly as it was supposed to be. And you were her parents because you’re strong enough to handle the indescribable pain of losing a child. Maddie needed someone who could turn tragedy into something to help other children. She needed a mom who could share these feelings with the rest of the world on her blog. She needed YOU. And you’re succeeding beyond her wildest expectations.
Kim Hartman says:
Heather ((hug)),
I lost one of my ID twin boys at 7.5 months gestation. I know the feeling you are describing.
I failed because I could not carry both to safety, how could I let one of my boys die?
My living son is nearly 10 and I can say, the thought comes less frequently, but when it comes, it cripples me. I am right back in the moment that I’m literally begging the OB specialist to take my living son out of me due to the fact that he would be better cared for by nurses in an isolet….hysterically sobbing while rubbing J&J baby lotion on my hands until they were raw, taking down the second crib while carrying both of my boys, only one alive, and all the while, listening to everyone tell me that it was not my fault, I knew it was, when the feeling hits me now, i know that I still, am responsible.
I learned to move through it in order to care for my living child, but as I said, when it hits, it’s crippling. Try and give yourself some time, but I know nothing I say will allieviate the pain or our shared feeling of responsibility (though when I’m “sane”, I know if I could have, I would have given MY life for both of my boys to live, just like you would have with Maddie), it is what it is, and sadly, we belong to a shitty club, but at least we have each other and the countless other parents who are brave enough to tell their stories.
Much Love,
Kim
Lora says:
Oh Heather, what hard, hard feelings to have. You are an amazing mama. Both of your girls are lucky to have you. Be gentle with yourself, you deserve gentleness.
Liz says:
Heather – I know it’s different to know something rationally/intellectually and feel it in your heart. As everyone has said, you did not fail Maddie. She was so loved and so well-taken care of. But I’m sure that hearing that a million times will not change how you feel and for that I am just so sorry. I’m so sorry she’s not still there with you, making you smile.
J+1 says:
You’re not going to believe any of us saying this, but you did not fail. Not in any way. Did you love Maddie with everything in you? You did.
You didn’t fail.
MBKimmy says:
HUGS – I am so sorry! I know people say it all the time but if I could take any even just a little of your pain I would. I am so sorry! You did not fail maddie, you aren’t going to fail her still – you let her live through her name, and you will conitnue to do good with her name! The love that Maddie did show you and you and Mike to her can never be replaced – that my dear is success!
Hugs!
mp says:
Not so long ago, 30 years ago even, Maddie wouldn’t have survived her first few days. What a testament to your strength and the care of the NICU staff that you got to spend so much more time with her. That seems like a success story. And how lucky you were to receive the wonderful prenatal care you had that made a second child possible. You have tested the limits of medical science and while it has both failed and saved you, there is no possible way of pinning “blame” on any single individual. I hope that the more you hear that, the more you will believe it.
Angie says:
You did NOT fail Madeline. It’s got to be damn near impossible to wake up everyday without your precious baby, but I know that Maddie loves you still and doesn’t think that you let her down or failed her in any way. Her life was absolutely wonderful in every way. She had two amazing parents and she knew that she was loved and cared for everyday.
I know how hard it is to shake those feelings–there are so many times when I feel like I have already let down my unborn daughter because I didn’t know I was pregnant for 9 weeks. I don’t know if she’ll be okay when she’s born. But I’m going to take care of her and I’m going to love her, just the way you love your Maddie. Your daughter sounds like she didn’t have an angry or mean bone in her body. She’ll never be angry with you for not protecting her, because you did everything you possibly could for her.
Momma Uncensored says:
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
you did NOT fail. precious baby girl thrived, was full of spirit and joy. you were AMAZING parents.
i can’t imagine what you are feeling, and i don’t know if i could handle it myself.. but for whatever reason.. it was M’s time to go.. out of your control… YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.
in her darkest hours.. you were there.
sending ooodles of cyber hugs your way.
Marianne says:
When you share your grief like this, I keep thinking how much you’re helping other grieving parents by being open and transparent. And also, how many other sick babies are being brought to the forefront because of your efforts.
You are obviously such a great mom, Heather. I wish I had smart, comforting words, but all I can think of is that I’m sorry for your family’s loss.
Jennifer says:
You did NOT fail! You gave her your love and enjoyed every minute you had with her. What happened was not and never will be your fault!
Danes says:
My sweet Hedder,
You have nothing to apologize for – because of you and Mike (and the rest of your fam) Maddie flourished during her precious life! You both were the absolute best parents for that baby that there could have been. Nothing you did – NOTHING – was the cause of what happened. I was wish so bad I could hug you right now! My heart cracked when I read that. She was literally the happiest little girl I’ve ever met (still!) and THAT’s because of you. I love you.
molly says:
I’m sure a million other people are telling you this, but you didn’t fail. It’s horrible and unfair that she’s not physically here, but you didn’t fail. Would you like proof? Look back at your pictures…look at that mega-watt smile that is in tons and tons of photographs…that little girl smiled more in her time here than anyone I know…she was beautiful, and cherished, and loved…and best of all, she knew it.
Melissa says:
Heather – I am a long time reader, but seldom comment. Today, however, my heart breaks for you – and you will be heavily on my mind. Comment after comment will echo that it is NOT your fault, and I certainly agree. But, I am sure it doesn’t make it any easier. I am so very sorry you lost your beautiful daughter, and I am so sorry that you will forever mourn. It is incredibly obvious how much you love your daughters, and how lucky they are to have you as thier mama.
Jeannine says:
I’d like to completely echo what Melissa said.
Sending so much love, girl
Stacey says:
Oh Heather, you did not fail. Just looking at the photos of Maddie and how beautiful and happy a being she was is proof of that.
Megan says:
In all the time I have been reading your blog, through all the hell you have traveled, this post makes me the saddest. It breaks my hear that you feel like you failed. It is very clear you are an amazing mother who loves her daughters deeply. There is no failure in that.
Lisa says:
Oh, sweet Heather. You have nothing to apologize for – nothing at all – unless you feel like to you need to apologize for loving your girl more than anything in the whole entire world. Hugs to you and sending you good thoughts today.
Lisa
ally says:
You are not a failure Lou Lou. You are an amazing mother to both of those girls of yours. Your Madeline was dealt a hard hand. You didn’t have any control in the situation and for sure no fault.
I love you and pray for days when these shots in the gut aren’t as painful.
xoxoxo
Kim says:
No way Heather did you and Mike fail. You did the best you could … that is all anyone can ever ask. You have got to forgive yourself so that you can lift that heavy burden of guilt from your shoulders … it is what Maddie would want you to do. If you won’t do it for yourself then do it for Maddie and for Annie.
Kathryn in Berlin says:
What do all children in the world want?
To feel loved, to be played with, to feel secure, to be held, to be cherished and taken care of, to be nourished, etc. YOU SUCCEEDED in ALL of those things and SO MUCH MORE with Maddie !!! Failed??? No way!
Ania says:
Ditto to what Kathryn said. You have achieved so much more in thoose 18 short months than what many parents can only hope to achieve in a lifetime. You were born to be a mama, Heather.
Audra says:
You didn’t fail honey. You gave Maddie the best mother and father she could have ever imagined. It is so so so so so screwed up that this happened but please remember you did nothing wrong. You succeeded in loving and caring for a beautiful happy little girl. And you’ve succeeded in doing everything you can to prevent this from happening to other premies in her name. Even though she isn’t here anymore, all of the people that you and Mike have helped through Maddie’s organization will never forget you or her. Stay strong and hug Annie for me.
Sarah says:
Oh Honey…you did not fail. What happened was totally out of your control and in no way a reflection of you as a parent. You and Mike are the most incredible parents out there. Maddie and Annabel are blessed beyond words to have you guys looking out for them. I wish I could hug you and make this all go away. Pray for you. Thinking of you. And loving you.
xoxo from Sarah in Montana
Lisa_in_WI says:
I know there are no words that will convince you that you didn’t fail, but I’m going to say them anyway: You. Did. Not. Fail. You were wonderful parents to Maddie. It’s the Universe that sucks, it’s the Universe that failed. Because for some reason it decided that things were going to play out the way they did. I’ll echo a lot of comments here and say that I wish I could give you a hug.
Lessons in Life and Light says:
Oh, Heather. I’m not going to even bother reading all the other comments because I know they will all say the same thing as mine (so I apologize for the redundancy).
YOU DID NOT FAIL.
YOU DID NOT FAIL.
Repeat this to yourself when you start to feel down…because those four words hold all the truth you need. Our lives are thrown together in pieces and fragments of random happenings, crazy coincidences, wonderful mistakes, and things we cannot control. What happened to Maddie was out of your control. She lived as long as she did because of you and Mike and all the wonderful people in your lives. She was HAPPY! She was BEAUTIFUL! What happened is so f***ing unfair…but YOU did nothing but love and protect her. You did. We all know that–you should too. Stop blaming yourself, sweetie.
We all love you so much. I realize most of us are relative strangers, but it’s true.
Lisa says:
Oh, Heather, I just want to hug you and tell you a million times over that you did not fail. You gave Maddie an amazing life, you were and are an amazing mother to her. The hand you were dealt stinks and no one should ever have to know what it is like to be dealt that hand, but it doesn’t mean that you failed.
Love and hugs to all of you.
Ms2Mrs..and back to Ms says:
Hugs… You’re not a failure at all. I wish there was more I could say or do but you’re not a failure.
Meghan says:
Love you.
Lora says:
I know all of us want to say “You did not fail” because we KNOW that is the truth. But I can only imagine that parents who lose a child under any circumstances often feel that way, and I imagine that is what I would feel as well no matter how untrue it may be.
You are wonderful, amazing parents to Maddie and to Annie. The NICU doctors and nurses know that preemies face life-long health struggles and they certainly would NOT blame you for what happened. I wish you could go to the reunion so you could hear it from them.
Shellie Ross says:
Heather,
You so didn’t fail on any level! You fought for her and protected her and were the best mommy and daddy she could have ever dreamed of having. It is a cruel world that took her FROM you. I so wish I could go back in time and stop the pain from ever happening for you both.
Shellie
PrincessJenn says:
Oh hon. There is no ‘fail’ when it comes to losing your child. It’s tragic, it’s awful, but it doesn’t mean you failed. You only have to look back at your stories of Maddie to know how loved and well looked after she was. There’s no failure in that.
Overflowing Brain (Katie) says:
There are about 100 billion things in this world that we cannot control. For people like you and me, this is the most irritating, frustrating and upsetting reality there is. We cannot control everything.
Maddie did not pass away because of something you did or failed to do. She passed away from things that could not be controlled, could not be prevented, could not be stopped. You had no failure in that.
You loved Maddie every moment of every day, I know you still do. You took incredibly good care of her. She knew how special she was to you and Mike (and thousands of other people). See, you controlled all the things you could. You did everything right. And it is fucking terrible that it ended up so wrong.
But it is not your fault.
Nellie says:
You did NOT fail at all! Madeline’s life was cut short but you are spreading her spirit for life with every breath you take and every wonderful thing you do on her behalf.
Sending you lots of love, lots of healing peace and lots of courage. You are an amazing woman, mother and shining example of everything good in this world.
hello haha narf says:
love to you and your family
Liza says:
i am so sorry for your loss. you did nothing wrong. hugs and positive thoughts your way.
Elizabeth says:
Mostly everyone here has taken the words right out of my mouth. You did not fail Maddie at all you and Mike did an amazing job but sadly her death was out of your hands. Sending lots and lots of hugs from NY.
Adara says:
You have done the complete opposite of fail. You have succeed and done a wonderful job raising both Annie and Maddie. Things happen that we can’t control and that was one of them…Keep your chin up! You are doing great!
Anna Marie says:
Oh Heather, you are not a failure. You are SO not a failure. You are the best mom for Maddie and Annie and no one could possibly have taken better care of dear, sweet Maddie than you and Mike. It’s so easy to blame yourself for things that go wrong, but please remember to take credit for all the good things – Maddie was a happy, loving, smart, beautiful child and you and Mike did that. You are the reason that little girl thrived.
Ashley says:
You didn’t fail! Nobody can tell you how to feel, nobody can change how you feel, but I sincerely hope that you know, even if you don’t feel it that YOU didn’t fail.
I’m a big believer in God, in fact I’d say I have a pretty sweet relationship with Him. However, when it comes to the death of children, I always feel like HE’S failed. I know He hasn’t, I know that probably means my faith isn’t as strong as I think it is, but I truely don’t ever see a reason to take a child from a parent. Not like that. One day when I get to talk face to heavenly being, I plan to find out His purpose and explain that it’s effect on the rest of us suck.
I’m so sorry you’re hurt, I’m so sorry that I don’t have the words to comfort you and I’m even more sorry that Maddie isn’t here. But please know, in your heart of hearts, that you, Mike, heck, even Rigby didn’t fail that little girl. You loved her then, you love her now and you’re doing a wonderful job of carrying on her memory!
Nic says:
You did not fail your beautiful girl. You did everything, and then some, for Maddie. The feelings of failure may never go away, but we’re all here to reassure you, to help you though. I want to hug you so hard right now. We all love you, even if we don’t really know you.
Lori says:
All I can do is send hugs via the Internet.
Trisha Vargas says:
You have nothing to apologize for. You are wonderful parents. Maddie’s amazing spirit and smile as well as Annie’s are true testiments to that fact.
I know you can’t help but feel this way, grief is a SOB that way. .
You never failed Heather. Maddie lived and brightened all of our lives because of you.
(((HUGS))) from Florida
Mijke says:
You didn’t. You were the best mother, the best parents, Maddie could’ve ever wanted.
It’s hard to shed those feelings of guilt, I know. I still feel guilty for not being able to carry my twins to term, still feel guilty for them having had to spend the first 5 weeks of their lives in a NICU, separated from me and their twin. I know I will always feel guilty for everything they might not be able to do/achieve, because I didn’t give them the start in life they deserved. I feel it, I will always feel it. But when I see them running around, when I look at them playing together, when they come running up to me for a cuddle, I KNOW I didn’t fail them.
You don’t get to experience those moments anymore with Maddie, so it has to be a thousand times harder for you to know you didn’t fail her. But she’s still there in your heart. The memories are still there. The photo’s and stories of Maddie you’ve shown here are a testament to the precious and happy little girl she was and always will be.
You DIDN’T fail! You gave her everything she ever could’ve wanted/needed in the short time she was with you, and through you she’s STILL passing on to others what you feel you failed to give her.
You didn’t fail her! Never!
Kristabella says:
Oh sweetie, I wish I could say something here to make it all better so that you never think you are a failure. But I know that’s impossible.
Just know it isn’t your fault. You’re amazing. Mike is amazing. You did not fail Maddie.
Big hugs to you my friend! xoxo
Saily says:
You did not fail…you loved, loved, loved! That is the best gift from a Mom to her child!
Michelle says:
This breaks my heart. You did not fail Madeline. You and Mike are wonderful parents and would have moved mountains for that little girl. I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t feel this way, because everyone has the right to grieve and feel however they would like. Just know that we are all thinking about your family and are so thankful to have had Madeline as a part of our lives…she truly brightened my days.
Jer says:
I don’t usually comment (on any blog), but I just wanted to let you know that- even though you don’t know me- every time I read your blog I just want to give you a big hug. I think you are adorable and hilarious- and I’m so sorry for the heartache you are going through. Your daughters are absolutely beautiful!
Kristin says:
Oh Heather YOU DID NOT fail!! I can’t even imagine the pain and sadness you are going though. But please know you DID NOT FAIL at raising Maddie. Sending you big hugs and much love from Ohio.
Kathy says:
Oh sweet Heather, Allow me to educate you. YOU were never a failure to beautiful Maddy. Let me give you an example of a parenting fail. A parenting fail is not feeding their child enough. A parenting fail is being confined to a bedroom for 99% of the time, not even allowed to come out to use the bathroom. A parenting fail is not taking your child to the doctor when they are sick. A parenting fail is telling you that your brother is loved and you are not. A parenting fail is touching your child in ways that aren’t’ appropriate. A parenting fail is kidnapping your child to keep her from her Mom just because he is ticked off. A child that wasn’t even 3 yrs old yet. The list goes on, but I’m sure you understand.
So dear Heather, loving Heather – You Are NOT a parenting fail. Not even close.
Josefina says:
No. You did not fail. Life, and the coming and going of that breath, play by different rules than ours.
You were close when she needed you, loving her so much. I’m sorry you’re having these feelings of guilt, and for the pain you’ve had to go through. That your little girl is gone. It is a sad, and difficult, and terrible thing…that was out of your hands. Mamas are strong, but they are not that strong. I wish they were.
punkinmama says:
Oh Heather, I know no matter how many times you hear this, it will be hard to accept, but I hope some day you do realize that you did not fail those doctors or Maddie. You are not to blame.
I hope you’re able to feel the love from all of your friends out here today.
Chrisie says:
Heather,
Reading this post broke my heart. Please know that you did not fail. You guys loved and protected Maddie with everything that you had. I can’t understand how this could happen. Its not your fault.
((((HUGS)))
Angie says:
YOU DID NOT FAIL! I know you probably wont listen to the hundreds of people that are going to tell you this today but it is true. You did NOT fail. You are an amazing mother and what happened to Maddie sucks worse than anything in the world BUT you did NOT fail. You were and are a great mom. So, here is a giant hug for you today and please realize that those nurses and doctors would not think you failed and neither does anyone else.
katrina says:
I had a miscarriage this past June. My husband and I wanted that baby so much! Once we learned we had lost the baby, I cried into my husband’s arms, “I’m so sorry….my body….failed….” That’s truly how I felt. I felt that since the baby was in ME, it was my responsibility to keep him or her alive. Which to extent is true. But there was only so much I could do in that first trimester. I did all the right things, ate all the right things. But yet…I failed. Or did I? Emotionally, feeling like it was your fault is normal when your child gets hurt or dies. But logically, in most cases, it simply isn’t true. In your case, you loved Maddie and did the very best in your power to keep her healthy. That little girl was cherish and loved every second of her life. That is not failure parenting. That is love. Love does not know how to fail.
Barbi says:
Hi Heather,
I read your blog everyday, but rarely comment. Today I had to, in no way did you or Mike fail Maddy. As someone else said Love does not know how to fail. God had other plans for Maddy, nothing you could of done to prevent. Stay strong Heather, thinking of you!
Just Jiff says:
I read daily but don’t comment often, but felt the need to do so today.
I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel, but I do want to say what everyone else has: You did NOT fail Maddie. You gave that beautiful little girl all the love and support you could’ve possibly given her. Maddie had a much bigger purpose in this world than any of us could ever fathom; and while it’s beyond painful, her short life has educated and brought together so many people. It certainly is not fair, but I think Maddie has made – and continues to make – an impact in so many people’s lives. I know she does mine.
Janelle says:
In no way did you fail. Maddie’s little body failed. I am still so very sorry for your loss.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] says:
You are not a failure. You, Mike, Maddie, and Annie are loved.
Tami says:
Heather my heart breaks for you. You did not fail Maddie!!. You and Mike did everything you could. She couldnt of felt more loved then the love your family gave her. Life is so unfair and she should be here today.. Its not something you did either. She knows how much you and Mike loved her. I would find it hard to go .. but you are strong and you will do fine. You have to be the strongest person I know. ( I havent meet you, but threw your blog you handle things in I way that I couldnt.
My prayers are with you and so are my hugs!!
Brittany says:
You can name almost any movie from 1999 back.
You know how to do every hair braid known to man.
You put together the BEST mix tapes.
In know the ins and outs of every hotel in Vegas.
You look adorable in hats.
You make friends in an instant.
You can layer outfits like no other.
But, despite all that. I gotta tell you…you’re wrong.
I hate every part of the world that allowed Maddie to not physically be here anymore.
But, I can say with 10000% certainty, that while she was here, she had the best, most amazing, caring, capable, brilliant, loving parents a little girl could ever have, ever.
Any child would be so lucky to have an ounce of the love you give to Maddie and Annie.
It’s one of the reasons I completely love your guts.
Angelique says:
Well said.
SuZ says:
I’m sending you a hug right now….
KimPossible says:
Oh Heather, I am so sorry you feel that way. You are an amzing mother! I wish I could hug the crap out of you through the computer.
tena says:
Brittany is exactly right- you’re wrong! You failed nothing and no one and it saddens me that that thought even crossed your mind. Maddie was the luckiest little girl for her short life and had more love than many kids get in a lifetime.
And you look great in hats- so there!
Lori says:
You are in no way, shape, or form a failure. Wipe that word from your vocabulary. I know that all of us saying so won’t make you believe otherwise but it’s true.
My thoughts are with you today and everyday.
Kate says:
This breaks my heart to read, you did not fail.
JenC says:
Oh Heather, what a note to receive when you weren’t expecting it. You did not fail your Maddie, it just happened. You loved her, cared for her, did all the things you were supposed to do. Her little body failed her for some incomprehensible reason. Thinking of you and Mike.
Nancy says:
In no way did you fail Maddie, and in no way do you need to say sorry for anything! You and Mike are 2 of the best parents I have seen go through that NICU. I was wondering last night if you would get an invitation, and I was worried about how you might feel if you did. I’m so sorry that this caused you any more pain. There is not a nurse in that place who would even come close to thinking you failed somehow, and I hope by looking at all these posts from your family, friends and strangers that you can begin to believe what everyone has to say. You did not fail!
And of course I understand you not wanting to come, but we would sure love to see all 3 of you sometime! Love to you all…..
Tara. says:
Heather, you and Mike did NOT fail! Not at all. What happened to Maddie was an horrible, unimaginable accident. None of those Doctors or nurses blame you, there is nothing to apologize for. Nobody blames you or Mike, so please don’t blame yourself.
I’m sorry the invite caught you off guard and stirred up some feelings inside of you.
kim k. says:
I wish that you could go so that those doctors and nurses could tell you that you are wrong. You were and are a phenomenal mother and what happened was out of your hands. That is my wish for today.
Glenda says:
hugs!!!! you and mike did NOT fail! you guys were the most loving and caring parents and you did everything to take care of maddie and give her the life she deserved. DON’T blame yourself!
Eric's Mommy says:
Oh Heather, you DID NOT fail. Please don’t blame yourself.
lauren says:
I am so sorry for your pain. you did not fail and eveyone including maddie knows this.
I am so sorry.
Marnie * says:
You did NOT fail. You did everything you are suppose to do, you love her, cared for her, remember her. That is not failing, that’s love.
*BIG HUGS*
Shannon says:
My heart breaks just reading your post. You didn’t fail. I know you feel like you did. But you didn’t.
I’m so sorry,
Shannon
Angelique says:
This sounds really hard. Do you really think you failed? I think you were dealt a really crappy hand, one that no one deserves. I am sorry for the pain you and your family are experiencing. I hope you don’t really feel like a failure. Certainly no one sees you as one.
Christine says:
127 comments and counting, but still, I feel compelled to say: You did not fail. You did everything you could, and the best you could, and sometimes, life just sucks. You and Mike are amazing parents.
If the reunion is something you might want to go to in the future, stay on the list, but I would have Mike or your Mom call and ask that you guys be removed otherwise.
Sending so much love your way!
Heather Friedrichs Lyman says:
You know what, Heather? If those same doctors and nurses had been caring for Maddie the week, day, or moments leading to her death, she still would have died. She was sick, and no one could save her. Not them, not you. It wasn’t possible. What’s amazing is that they were able to give you 17 months to get to know her, for her to know you, and for her to become a part of your heart forever. It wasn’t enough, and it wasn’t what was expected. But there was NO ONE who could have made that horrible day end any differently. I don’t know if you’ll ever be able to accept that, but we’ll keep reminding you as often as you need. XO
MJ says:
Look, I am well aware of how sometimes a person needs to just WALLOW, and it’s totally ok, but I’m not going to sit here and just let you think you FAILED. You DID NOT. I am a firm believer that God is not a vengeful God. He did not take Maddie from you because you sucked as a mom. I’ve seen your pictures, read your stories, and you are an amazing mom.
You did NOT fail. You loved (LOVE!) that baby girl with your whole heart, you love BOTH your girls with your whole heart. You didn’t cause her death, you didn’t fail to keep her alive. Her body just wasn’t as strong as her spirit.
I have every faith that you and your precious baby will be reunited, and you will get to raise her. I hope you can hope for that on the good days. And on the bad, you’re more than justified to feel what you feel, but your friends don’t think of you that way.
Mary says:
Count this as the 131st time you are told, YOU. DID. NOT. FAIL. Anyone. Maddie is loved beyond belief and she is part of a wonderful and caring family. You probably discount the good things you’ve made of this crap you were drenched in because frankly, the crap smells so bad it’s probably difficult to get past that part. But let yourself believe that you are truly strong and amazing. I only wish that from my loss, I could have created even half of the amount of positive that you have from yours.
Please accept the hugs and support from all of us and in case you didn’t hear me yelling it the first time, you did not fail.
Lauren says:
Oh my, I am SO so sorry that you are feeling so guilty. It’s just fair. you didn’t do anything wrong and you don’t owe anyone an apology.
Your family is so beautiful. You are an amazing mama. hang in there.
Sending you love.
Mermanda says:
I am so sorry, Heather. Sorry that you are struggling with these feelings of guilt. It was not your fault. Hugs.
Jamie says:
Please don’t ever EVER think you failed. Never EVER!
amy d says:
You didn’t fail Maddie, Heather. What happened was awful. And it was completely out of your control.
I’m just so sorry.
Westport Mama says:
Heather, as a mom, I understand the guilt, and I understand why you how you feel the way you do. But you didn’t fail, you really didn’t. You and Mike SUCCEEDED in giving Maddie the most incredible life. If it weren’t for the two of you, she wouldn’t have been as loved and cared for during her much-too-brief time in this world. The NICU doctors and nurses saved her life, but you and Mike gave her a life worth living, one filled with joy and humor. My thoughts are with you today, and everytime I read your most excellent blog.
Jody Curtis says:
There is nothing I can say to lessen your pain. Hell, I don’t even know you, although I feel like I do.
But I do know that you are NOT a failure. You are an inspiration. You give so many people, including Madeline, your heart every day. Madeline smiles down at you constantly.
Katie says:
Grief is such an ugly beast sometimes. Yes, it’s a natural, necessary phase but wouldn’t life be so much easier if we never had to deal with it. If we’d just naturally move to the whatever-the-hell-it-is phase that follows grief… Then perhaps you’d never have the thoughts that you are sharing here with us. You are a magnificent mother. But you are also grieving. Don’t let the monsters get you down, Heather. You are an amazing and inspiring woman and mother.
jessie says:
i know you read all of your comments but i don’t so i don’t know what’s already been said, nor do i care. i just want to say what i want to say to you, and that is you are not a failure. you did not fail.
if anything, they failed by sending you an invitation to bring your dead baby to their happy little party.
i would have punched them in the gut. they should have these things on record.
Dayna says:
No, no, no, no, no. You did not fail. Sometimes we try our hardest and the outcome isn’t what we want, or expected. Maddie made it because you fought so hard for her.
Please forgive yourself. You did nothing wrong. I know the doctors and nurses at tha picnic would say the same thing.
Kristin says:
Oh honey, you absolutely did NOT FAIL! You were incredible parents who enabled Madeline to thrive during the short time she had hear.
Lots of {{{hugs}}} and good thoughts coming your way.
Sarah says:
You did not fail!!! None of us see you as a failure. Think about how happy Maddie was – she was happy BECAUSE OF you!
mrsbslope says:
I can only add my voice to the chorus but you did not fail. I know you will never stop grieving for her, but I hope that you stop torturing yourself over what happened. I so hope you learn to forgive yourself for what happened to your wonderful daughter—to know that you cannot control what happens to people, you can only love them while they are here. Which you did in spades. Maddie had a wonderful, if far too short, life.
katie says:
I am so sorry that you feel that you have failed. That is such a burden to carry on top of the crushing loss of Madeline. I can only think of what Madeline might feel and I am confident that she would not think you failed. We can see from photos and videos of her and from your descriptions that she was deeply loved, supremely happy and well cared for. She was obvioulsy the center of your universe. I am so sorry you are feeling this way.
jenny says:
You are the opposite of a failure in every sense. I know you don’t believe it and it doesn’t make you feel better that you can’t take Maddie to the reunion. But it’s true.
I looked at your next post from Oct 15, 2008. You always remembered to savor the moments with Maddie, even in the busyness. The proof is in the picture, and the words.
I’m sorry that this pain flares up and the guilt flashes it’s ugly head over the simple opening of an invitation. It’s not fair.
Hugs.
Becky @winobecks says:
I echo what everyone else has said. You did not fail. You are a great mother and Maddie knew it. Sending love and healing to you today.
Erica says:
Dearest Heather,
You and Mike are the most amazing parents and you gave your precious Maddie the most amazing life full of love, fun, laughter and family. So many people all over the world have learned so much from you and Mike as parents and we continue to do so. Your precious Maddie is remembered daily by so many people all over the world and just like her parents she has taught us all so much too. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of Maddie and her wonderful family.
Sending you lots of love from afar
Erica
Jessica says:
Heather, I just stumbled across your blog and have been reading through your posts all afternoon. I am an L&D and NICU nurse and a part of a Perinatal and Infant Loss Support Group….and I wanted to say that I am truly sorry for your loss. I know that no matter what anyone says to you, it will not diminish your grief, but please do know that you did not fail as a mother. You fought for your daughter and her health as hard as you could.
Christy says:
I read often but rarely ever comment but I needed to send you hugs today. You are an amazingly brave and wonderful person. You did not fail at all. (((hugs))) fromVA.
Best,
Christy
Mama Fuss says:
Oh, Heather! I’m really wanting to give you a hug (or send you chocolate). No one thinks you failed. No one. You are an awesome mom. You did nothing wrong. I can’t think of anything else to say, except that: No one thinks you failed. And I’m sure the nurses and doctors at the NICU don’t think that, either.
Elizabeth says:
I respect that you don’t see it this way but you are the ones that kept her alive so long. You fought hard everyday to keep her alive for as long as you did. Without you and Mike, the result wouldn’t have been as good. You have to look at it that way too.
Cheryl says:
Of course you get to have your feelings Heather, and I totally respect (and maybe even understand) that you would have feelings of failure… but from MY perspective, as a reader and as a mom, I don’t think you failed Maddie in any way, shape or form.
You love her. You celebrate her. You REMEMBER her.
It’s enough.
And I promise, she knows.
(((((HUGS)))))
Jannette says:
I started reading your blog a few days shy of what would have been Maddie’s second birthday. Since then, I have read every post from the beginning.
With 20/20 hindsight, I could see how delicate and fragile she was. She looked vibrant and healthy but you can see how every extra calorie went into trying to heal her lungs.
Without a single doubt, I know that Maddie thrived and lived because of you and your family.
Emily says:
Heather, I have been following your blog for a little while now and never post, but today I felt like I should. This post breaks my heart. You did NOT fail with Maddie. I am a nurse, and know from reading about how you cared for Maddie that you went above and beyond for her. Those nurses and doctors know what an amazing parent you are. What happened was out of anyones control. As a nurse I can honestly say that they would do it all over again for her if they could.
ps: I think that your blog is really well done, and I love seeing all the adorable pics of Annie!
Michelle says:
Heather!!
Oh my Lord…
I popped in to see what was going down on your blog over the last few days and encountered this post… I had 5 minutes to spare, and was looking forward to finding another deeply amusing anecdote about LA family life, or another gorgeous shot of Annie. Then I saw this. And I promptly burst into tears…
Oh, honnnnnney…. You failed NOBODY. You did NOTHING you weren’t supposed to according to the singular path that sweet Maddie’s life was deigned to take!! You provided her with non-stop comfort, adoration and love. One cannot peruse the photos posted of her and not immediately conclude, “DANNNNNG, that was ONE HAPPY & BEAUTIFUL LITTLE SOUL!!!!”
I am so sorry to hear that you’re hurting… Don’t know you personally, and yet you are precious to me, and it kills me to hear that you are experiencing this kind of pain… I can only understand in my own solipsistic way, but I’m signing off now to go sob and then fix myself up best I can to face the balance of my day and care for my OWN 3 cherubs in ways that I often feel I’m failing them as well. PLEASE feel better soon!!
With many hugs (and hollers of YOU DID NOT FAIL!!!),
Michelle
Kristi F says:
Heather, If I knew you in real life rather than just blog life I would come to your house, wrap you in the biggest hug I could manage, and tell you repeatedly that you DID NOT fail Maddy. That darling little girl had two of the most spectacular parents any child could wish for, and I am certain that every day she spent on this earth was filled with joy and love. You put a lifetime of love into her short time on earth. I hope you can find a place of peace within your heart and come to believe that you did not fail Maddy.
Elizabeth says:
I totally agree. (((BIG HUGS)))
Meg says:
HEATHER! You did not fail. You tried and you tried, and there are some battles that you can’t win. You loved her, and that was enough. We’re going to keep saying this till you hear it, no matter how long it takes.
Ashley says:
I’m sure a million people said this before me but I am going to be one more voice to tell you that you DID NOT fail. I have no idea what you’ve gone through in this context, but I am a perfectionist and am familiar with how easy it is for me to fault myself for things that don’t go quite right, because who else is to blame? I have never been good at accepting the fact (that’s right, FACT!) that we are not in control of all things. We just aren’t. And I hate that. It’s hard to live with, it’s hard to reconcile, and it’s hard to believe. We want to have a responsible party, somewhere, and it’s easiest to point the finger at oneself sometime.
But trust me, my dear, you did not fail, you are not at fault. You are absolutely succeeding in being an amazing mommy to Maddy and Annie. Nothing less than success, dear. Big hugs & lots of love.
catherine says:
Heather,
Loving your baby is never failure.
A million readers can assure you of that, but your pain (I can only imagine) is personal.
You loved her and always will!
Be well.
Sarah says:
Oh Heather. You absolutely did not fail, and what you need to say to those doctors and nurses is not, “I’m sorry”, but “Thank you.” Thank you for the time you did have, for letting Maddy shine her glorious spirit all over the world and touch so many people. I don’t know you, and I didn’t know Madeline, but she pops into my mind all the time. Reminding me to treasure the moments with my children, reminding me of the power of a smile, of generosity, of the human spirit. It’s not fair that she wasn’t here longer, her death was a horrible tragedy, but it was in no way your fault. Hugs.
Lydia says:
I felt a punch in the gut for you. Seriously. I got chills as soon as I read it.
I wish you could stop feeling as if you failed. I know there is nothing I can do or say to help that process along. And, maybe you will always feel like you failed. You didn’t, though. You loved your daughter. You made her life, as short as it was, so wonderful. She was a beautiful, friendly, and so freaking special little girl. How is that failure?
Annie says:
Oh Heather!!! That breaks my heart. You did NOT fail! She was taken from you. TAKEN!! Never never think for 1 second you failed her. She was wanted and loved and she knew it. That’s not failure.
kristen says:
Pictures and videos prove that you were/are successful parents to Maddie and of course, Annie and Rigby. Maddie had a short but amazing life full of purpose. I wish it were longer for you and your family, but she thrived while under your care, was loved and was lucky to be yours.
Hugs to you!!
mythoughtsonthat says:
Even though its NOT true that you failed, its understandable that you feel that way.
Faith….Hope….Love….Peace.
sarah says:
Heather, you did not fail that beautiful little girl. You did not fail her!!!!!! She was a loved, happy, sassy, active, sensitive, ebullient, joyous, awesome, amazing, engaging, social, wonderful little girl. The love in your family is clearly visible in the pictures and your writing. You never left her. You fought for her. You did not fail your daughter. You did everything possible for Madeline. You gave her a wonderful life. You did not fail her. Hopefully the more you hear that you are a wonderful mother who did an amazing job and did not fail her daughter, you will start to believe it.
Issa says:
I wish everybody’s words here were enough to change your mind. Enough for you to believe that you didn’t fail her. I can honestly say that I fully 100% believe that you didn’t fail her.
As a mom though, I understand. You are entitled to your pain friend, you are. Nothing can take that away. But know that you gave her the most amazing life that you could in her small time here on earth. You gave her enough love for lifetimes. That you did do.
Huge hugs Heather.
Jaime says:
Heather,
To hear you say that you fail, just breaks my heart. You didn’t fail! You gave Maddie the best life ever! You, mike, your families, friends and everyone that follows your blog loved her! That is a wonderful thing. I’m so sorry that she is not here with you but you were the best mommy ever to her. And I am sure she looking down from heaven and smiling. Knowing that you are showering Annie with the same love and doing so many fun things that you use to do with her. Hugs to you Heather. You are an extraordinary person and mommy.
Jaclyn says:
I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling that way. I know it’s been said over and over, but you did not fail. You gave Maddie all the love and care in the world. You taught her what it means to be loved, and gave her a wonderful life, and that is the most important thing. Science failed, nature failed, but you did not. Please keep telling yourself that!
ellie says:
Please don’t feel that way.
Maddie lived an extraordinary life. Her happiness and joy radiated from her face. Sometimes horrifying, terrible things happen to wonderful, important, beautiful, good people and there’s just no reason why and no one to blame. Maddie’s joy and wonderfulness and smiles and laughter were your doing, not her illness.
nancie says:
i read this first thing this morning (as i do every morning)…and i felt TERRIBLE for you – and have thought about you all day…i haven’t gone thru what and your family have, and i can’t even imagine how hard it must be…
but i do not for one second (along with EVERYONE else) believe that you failed..
God has a purpose for everything and everyone. you were blessed with 17 months with maddie – you’ll always be her mom…and you WILL be reunited with her one day..
maddie is a special angel – a guardian and protector over annie and your whole family..
i know i don’t say this as well as all your other comments, but please know that you are loved (by a TON of people), and you did not fail. you and mike are wonderful parents..
thank you for all that you share with us…i really look forward to your friday video’s!!
?nancie
Sonia says:
Oh Heather… My heart broke reading this post. YOU DID NOT FAIL. You were and are a wonderful, caring, and amazing mother. You did EXACTLY what you were supposed to do as a mother. You protected her and loved her and did everything RIGHT. It’s so unfair that your dearest Maddie was taken away from you, but I need to tell you that your love is what kept her as happy as she was for all the days that she was here on earth with us. Sending love your way….
annie says:
OMG!! My heart hurts to hear you talk like this. I TOTALLY get why you feel that way but that kind of guilt should not be yours to bear. You loved your daughter with all your heart and cared for her like no-one else in the world could have. I know that she is still supremely loved and desperately missed.
eva says:
You and Mike are amazing parents and in no way did you fail your daughter..
You my friend are what brought this beautiful human being into all of our lives, you are a mother and a great mother and in no way was this in your control..
KateB says:
Oh, Heather. Your words just broke my heart. I feel so sad that you think this. I know words from a stranger will not even begin to put a dent in these feelings, but please know THIS IS NOT TRUE. You didn’t fail Madeline. Not even by a long shot.
Lots of love and prayers being sent from The Lou!
DesignHER Momma says:
you didn’t fail, don’t ever think that, even for one single second. ever.
Amanda says:
Your posts haven’t teared me up for a while, but this one most certainly did for so many reasons. I have to agree with the comments I have read…YOU did not fail. Not one single bit! You have nothing to apologize for. You did everything in your power and there was nothing, nothing you could do.
If I was there I’d give you the biggest hug I could possibly muster.
I noticed that there was lot of purple on the invite…I don’t think that was an accident.
Angelique says:
We can’t protect them from everything, no matter how hard we try. You did everything possible for Maddie, and then some. I’ve never seen two little girls more loved by their mother. I know you’re heartbroken … as you should be. But your loss does not reflect your parenting. There is no rhyme, reason, or excuse to justify the loss of an innocent child. You are not to blame. You loved her beyond measure. You adored her. You doted on her. You provided the best care for her. Guilt is just part of the grief. Please know that none of this is your fault. You DID NOT FAIL.
Krista says:
I know feelings aren’t rational, and you are allowed to feel however you need to to live with Maddie’s loss, but I’ll echo what everyone else here has said. You didn’t fail Maddie. The love you feel for her saturates every word you write, every picture you post, everything you do. In an earlier post, you wrote something along the lines of while you weren’t an expert/specialist in pediatrics, you were a specialist in Maddie. I think of that every day. Maddie needed the NICU specialists to get her through her first 90 days. She needed a Maddie specialist to get her through the rest of her time here. She needed you, and you did a wonderful job.
Dora says:
No, Heather. Just no. I can’t say it any better than everyone else already has. You are an incredible mother. So sorry for this punch in the gut.
Dee Dee says:
Hugs Heather, Sorry you have to deal with this unbearable pain. I wish you didn’t have to and I wish you didn’t receive punches in the gut. But don’t beat yourself up! You did not fail! I DO NOT know a single person more inspirational than you and you ARE AN AWESOME MOTHER! Take care and hug Annie close tonight.
Denise Jones says:
Never, ever, consider yourself a failure! You’re as far from a failure as one can get!! I understand how you might blame yourself, but don’t. I echo everyone else in saying you are an awesome mom. As always, I share in the loss of your beautiful Maddie. (((Hugs)))
Jenn from NS says:
I haven’t read the other comments so I’m sure I’m saying something that’s already been said but here goes anyway;
You were, are, and always will the best mother Madeline, and Annabel, could have ever asked for. You did everything in your power to protect your baby. And it is in no way your fault, that Madeline is no longer with you. It’s really no one’s fault. And my saying that, won’t make your feelings of failure disappear. But I hope you read this and get just a seconds peace.
You did not fail anyone. You fought so hard for Maddie and the NICU team that kept her alive all those weeks, they know that. They would never think anything negative of you or Mike because of the circumstances beyond your control.
It just doesn’t always work out the way its supposed to. Maddie will always be a NICU graduate and that’s something to be proud of. And maybe where you’re not able to go to the reunion, maybe just send a card of thanks for all their hard work, or a basket of purple flowers or something so that you can have peace of mind in knowing that you’ve recognized that day. Just an idea.
Love always to you and your family.
Ally says:
You poor darling, you did not fail. You loved and nourished your beautiful girl and the unthinkable happened. It was not your fault .
Kristin says:
Oh Dear Heather, Regardless of the failure you feel and hurt you feel deep into your soul you and Mike did not fail. No, I don’t know you or had the pleasure of meeting your darling Maddie but I can see it in every picture of her, her absolute elation, her beautiful smile, the sparkle in her eyes. Then I read your words, Mike’s words about the sweet angel that graced your world for far too short of a time. She was happy, she was loved.
Heather, it was not your fault. It is not your fault. Maddie would not blame you.
My prayers and my heart goes out to you.
Susan says:
I have been following your blog for a long time. You have a way of telling Maddie’s story that makes her feel like a part of all of our lives. I recommended your blog to a friend whose baby spent 3 monthis in NYICU and went home on a ventilator just before Christmas. Your story was an inspiration to their family.
I know that it is easy for all of us to tell you that you and Mike were not failures in your care of Maddie. And a lot harder for you to feel that in your hearts. You gave Maddie a wonderful, beautiful life. The pictures you have posted of her show a thriving, happy, beautiful baby. You were never a failure in her care.What happened to her in the end was so fast that the trained medical personnel were not able to stop it.
I hope you are able, in time, to let go of the feeling that you were a failure. You did everything you could.
I am sure that you get tired of hearing things like you will feel better with time. The pain and memories of Maddie will never go away but it will get easier with time. There are always going to be occasions that stir up the pain and make it worse, holidays, birthdays, reunions. Do the best you can to get through these times and know that you have a lot of people that care a lot about you and your family, family, friends and blog friends. Reach out for the support when you need it.
Did you keep a journal of Maddie, from her birth on? What a wonderful gift that will be for a little sister that never got the chance to meet her big sister. Write down all of the memories you can and keep them for Annie and yourselves. It is a good way to keep them in your mind. I wish I had done that when my brother died before his daughter was born. I try to remember things now to tell her about him but it is hard to remember details.
I have worked with a lot of grieving families. If there is anything I can do to help, please don’t hesitate to contact me.
Susan
Dawn @ What's Around the Next Bend? says:
Heather,
You didn’t fail.
You gave Maddie the best life any little girl could have asked for!
You gave her love and laughter.
I know this doesn’t change the hurt, but please know you didn’t fail.
Jen says:
I don’t care if I’m comment #197 or #198 or #1 million in a long list saying the same thing: you did not fail. You may never believe that. You may sometimes believe and sometimes not so much. And that is something I can’t begin to comprehend, but I wouldn’t try to tell you to feel any way differently than you do because I’ve never stood where you are. But. You did not fail.
Jane says:
OK, Heather. I had the “We don’t know what to be for Halloween” song in my head tonight. You were on my mind and I couldn’t stop thinking about this post. So I hate to sound like a Debbie Downer, but I bet that grief never goes away. I think it likely just becomes a constant sidekick, always present. And the pain of such raw memories probably never goes away either. Time heals, maybe, but can time heal that? I’m really not sure…Hell, what do I know about any of it? Not much. But guilt? My prayer/hope/wish for you is that guilt will disappear from your life. You did not have nearly enough days with your little girl. But I know you made the most of every single day, of each snuggly moment. That’s nothing to feel guilty about, my dear. You are what made her life wonderful.
Camie says:
Oh, Heather. I know it doesn’t make any difference if I say it, but I hope that someday you won’t feel that awful feeling. Because . . . I wish we knew why these terrible, terrible things happen. But it wasn’t because you or Mike failed. There are a few things in the world that I know with all my heart, and one’s that you didn’t fail.
Amy Collen says:
Sweet Heather, I hope after reading all of these messages that you feel a little better. What I want to say is this, medical people see so many things, see people come and go. Many of them I am sure they either forget or would like to forget. My friend, number one, I am sure that at least some (if not all) of them remember you. Second, I am sure that they are absolutely devastated for you. Third, (and this is coming from a medical perspective here given that I was in the NICU with my son and my hubby is a Physician Assistant) your family is one of those unforgettable inspirational people (okay grammar wise this sentence sucks but you know what I mean) that NICU staff dream of :). Not only are you a wonderful person but after the passing of your beautiful Maddie you turned right around and helped others. Those that know you are in awe of you, my dear. I am sure that that NICU staff is no different. Now, if any of those hospital folk do feel differently about that (in a negative way) I am sure I am just one of thousands (perhaps millions by this point) who would go down to that hospital and do a little bootie kickin’!
So, again YOU DID NOT FAIL!
amanda says:
Reading this comments are making me bawl – I echo, SO MUCH, all the people who say you never, ever failed Maddie. You did every single thing you ever could for her, and love her and treasure her beyond words. You were picked to be her mother-and you were (and are still) the best mother she could ever have.
xoxo
Vera says:
I am so sorry you feel this way. You’re an amazing mommy to both Maddie and Annie.
Molly says:
I realize that no matter how many people tell you you did not fail Madeline, in no way no how, the only voice you will believe is your own. I understand that. Please try to imagine what you would say to a friend who was in your position. Would you keep telling her she failed? Would you ever say to her that she needed to be forgiven? Or would you desperately want to comfort her? I hope you can be that kind friend to yourself.
Tina says:
I wish I could give you a hug right now. xoxo
Sam says:
You absolutely did NOT fail. You guys were wonderful parents to Madeleine … she was a lucky little girl. Her passing is not in any way your fault. I am sorry that you and your family are having to have such an awful experience. It’s not fair.
Gillian says:
This reminds me of that movie, the Map of the World. And how the woman who let her friend’s daughter drown on her watch – by accident – how this woman didn’t fight her conviction for child neglect, and let them send her to jail for a long time, because she so longed to be punished for what she’d done, even though letting a toddler out of your sight for a couple of minutes is something every one of us has done.
You want to be punished for what you perceive is a failure, and I totally understand that. I wish you could go, so you could apologize to those people, and they could brush your apology away and hold you tight and apologize back. Because I’m certain they feel the same way – if they’d done something different for her in the NICU, maybe her lungs would have been stronger. Maybe she wouldn’t have fallen victim to that infection. maybe maybe maybe.
What you’re doing is so hard. I feel for you, every day.
Paula says:
I just want to ditto all the others telling you that you did not fail. It was something completely out of your hands Heather. Please know that I am thinking of you and wishing you peace. (((hugs)))
Molly says:
You didn’t. But I know you feel like you did.
I’m sorry you lost her. I wish I could change it. But it isn’t your fault Heather.
Kayla says:
I’m sure it’s been reiterated hundreds of times, but I’m going to reiterate it again, because it NEEDS to be reiterated hundreds of times more:
You did not fail.
You did not fail.
You did NOT fail.
She lived less than a year and a half and she had a better time on this earth than most people do in ninety years – because of you. You made her smile. You made her laugh. You made her HAPPY, Heather.
In no way does that make you a failure. It makes you the biggest winner of us all. You mothered Madeline better than anybody else could have, and that means you succeeded.
You did not fail. You succeeded.
rachel cortest says:
You wrote the perfect comment to a bereaved parent. Beautifully said.
Michelle W says:
I know without reading them, that every commentor has undoubtably told you that you did not fail but of course it is impossible, with tears streaming down my face, to not repeat that sentiment. You most certainly did not fail. You succeeded in surrounding your precious Madeline with more love and laughter than anyone else ever could have. You made her short life more joyous than anyone else ever could. You shared her with the world, the world fell in love and her memory will live forever, not just in your hearts but in the hearts of all of us. I know the failure you talk about is the failure that any parent would feel when they are rendered powerless to save their child. I know it isn’t as simple as telling you that you didn’t fail and that message taking residence in your heart and healing that unimaginable pain but collectively I hope all our messages will take residence there and heal your heart of that pain, at least a little.
Tammy says:
Beautiful post!
Tammy says:
I suppose that I would feel the same way you do, so from the unrealistic perspective of a parent whose heart is walking around in the form of a son and a daughter, I understand how you can feel like you failed.
But, while you feel like you failed, I hope you do really know that it wasn’t your fault. Because, if keeping children healthy and alive was only about being a good and responsible parent, I’m sure I don’t measure up to you ….and that would mean my children should not be here anymore. You were and are a great mom and I’m so sorry you feel like you failed your sweet girl.
GingerB says:
Heather, there is nothing about your mothering that says failure, nothing at all. I hope one day you can know what the rest of us know, that you are deserving of everything good in life, and that you were simply cheated by the universe for an unfathomable reason, but nothing you did or did not do ever let Maddie down. Ever.
rachel cortest says:
Heather,
I cannot imagine how sick that must have made you feel. You know that you were the best parents in the world to Maddie but guilt is a part of dealing with our children’s deaths. It is one punch in the stomach after another, starting with the death certificate. For us it was then hearing from the eye bank, and lately Tomás keeps getting offers for credit cards, even though he died four and a half years ago. He would be 19 so I guess the companies do not think to see if the person is dead or alive. It is SO SO maddening. But I will tell you that this year has been easier. I can look at Christmas ornaments, deal with Halloween, etc. It gets softer, but never, I am sure, goes away. And then there is the worry that something will happen to another child. IT all sucks. love and hugs, Rachel
KellyBurton says:
Catching up on your blog…loving Annie…hurting for you as Maddie’s 3rd birthday is commemorated. Just want you to know that she is not for one day forgotten.
amourningmom says:
I know everyone else has already written to you but I am going to add my vote. You are not a failure. I have the same feelings about both of my son’s deaths. I feel like as their mom I should have been able to protect them from anything. I too feel like a failure (twice) but I try very hard to hear the people who tell me that it is not my fault.
It is not your fault.