Someone described grief as a wheel as you circle through the same emotions over and over. That is accurate, I’d say. I also think for me that my grief is like an escalator. It’s going down, and I am struggling against it to get to the top. Some days I can climb a few feet, and other days I am way too tired and I just go lower.
I am in the depths right now. Things are hitting me, knocking me breathless. I’m NEVER going to see my daughter again. She’s never going to go to Kindergarten. I’m never going to hear her sing Christmas songs in a school play. She’s never going to tell me a joke. I’m never going to get to take her to buy a prom dress. She is GONE, FOREVER. I’ll never know what she would have looked like as an adult. She’ll never fall in love and have passions. She’ll never grow up, she’s going to be a toddler in my mind forever. I’ll never hear her say mama, or hear a child call her mama.
When I can’t stop myself, I realize that I could live another fifty years. Fifty years without her! That seems like a prison sentence. Fifty years to wonder what she would have been doing, fifty years to watch her little friends grow up without her.
I think about Binky often, about how we are going to tell him or her about Maddie. And I am so scared of the day Binky asks, “why isn’t my sister here?” Because I don’t know. I have medical jargon I can quote, although even the doctors don’t know what went wrong, how she went from improving to crashing so suddenly. But how do you explain this to a child when you don’t even understand yourself?
It’s terribly unfair that Maddie isn’t here, and it’s so unfair that Binky is going to get a lesson in grief and loss before he or she can even say the ABC’s. I couldn’t protect Maddie from getting sick and dying. And already I can’t protect Binky from a terrible loss and eventual sadness. It is so hard as a parent to know that my Binky is going to hurt and I can’t do anything about it!
I’ve been on this escalator for seventeen weeks now. Just a fraction of the time I will spend going the wrong way on the escalator. And while I know I won’t always be on the bottom, I know it will always be impossible to reach the top.
Vera says:
Oh Heather, I’m so sorry. I’m praying that you catch a few steps up soon. You have a long time to figure out what to tell Binky, and you’ll be the awesome mother that you are and follow your instincts and say just the right things at the right time.
.-= Vera´s last blog ..The *sniff* Wedding =-.
Nancy Smego says:
Heather, I hope it helps to know that Maddie will always be alive in your heart and that you, Mike and Binky will always have a guardian angel in your family. NOBODY can take Maddie’s memories away from you. You will always have that.
Katie - PeanutSprout says:
I am so sorry you are in the depths rights now. Binky will love to hear and read all of your wonderful stories about Maddie that the rest of us are enjoying now.
.-= Katie – PeanutSprout´s last blog ..Library Picks: I Love Trucks & Alice the Fairy =-.
Kimberly says:
Your going to tell Binky about Maddie. How wonderful she was, How special she was, How her life, although it was short, taught you a lot about being a mom. You will tell Binky the things you had hoped to do with Maddie, and Binky..and both of you, all of you will share the loss of such a wonderful little person.
The escalator keeps going. There will be good days, and bad days. Just don’t ever fall off, and don’t ever forget to live and love. Maddie and Binky are watching you..
.-= Kimberly´s last blog ..Chances are… =-.
theothermousie says:
I really feel your grief. I have 3 children & my youngest (4 1/2) was a twin. I lost his twin during the pregnancy & I wonder & I grieve… when do I tell him? He has a lot of issues & I think they may be down to feeling a sense of loss.
You will always do your best for this child, you know it, life just goes on & you will cope (even though it hurts). Thank you for being able to share your story with us xx
Magda says:
I know there will come a time when you will have to tell Binky about Maddie and it will be such a difficult time. I hope that you know that some many people have many wonderful happy memories of Maddie to share with Binky. Binky will know the happy sweet Maddie we all fell in love with and hopefully the pain of her absence will be eased just a bit. Always thinking of your sweet Maddie. All my love to you,Mike and sweet Binky
Iliana says:
I know I’m omly a strangerwho has heard of your story and who reads your blog but, I just wanted to send a virtual hug. I can’t imagine the rollercoaster of emotions you must be feeling. The love and support of your friends and family and especially the love you have for Binky will give you the strength to go forward. God Bless You.
Ben says:
On the plus side, Binky will have great parents to show him/her all the joys in the world. So in that Binky is truly blessed.
.-= Ben´s last blog ..Siblings =-.
catherine lucas says:
Grief is a pyramid Heather, yes, a circle, but every time you come on the passing point you will be a layer higher. At times you will pass beneath the point, on other days you will notice that you skipped a ring…
I don’t know if Binky will hurt, I have known many kids who lost a never seen brother or/and sister, they do not have the same concept of the world as you and I have. We know how much it bodily hurts to loose someone, they only have it from hearsay… Hope I am saying this right…
Try to jump on the other elevator again, up, and again, and again, you go girl, Binky needs you!
.-= catherine lucas´s last blog ..Firth of Forth =-.
Pamela says:
Heather, I dont know you but Im crying reading this. Loss is so sad but especially when its someone you love.
Tell Binky about how incredible and amazing his/her sister was. Tell Binky of the infectious laugh Maddie had. Her favorite doll. Her favorite color. Show Binky pictures and let him/her see of Maddie.
.-= Pamela´s last blog ..We’re All Moms =-.
dysfunctional mom says:
I wish that your wonderful writing skills were still used to describe your happy days with your beautiful baby girl, instead of so eloquently describing your grief.
You are SO right – it is SO not fair.
.-= dysfunctional mom´s last blog ..Blog With Integrity =-.
Sally says:
Must be the day for it, as I’m in the depths today, too. Love and hugs Heather. And as always, understanding. You are not alone.
.-= Sally´s last blog ..Slow days =-.
nutty mummy says:
I think of a sweet child looking up at you enthralled in the magical stories of Maddie. Binky will forever grow up in the light of a wonderful sister who was loved and is now greatly missed. You won’t ever forget her and all the things that might have been are there for you in your heart and I think I’m right in imagining that little Binky will grow up loving Maddie as much as you do x keep going nm
.-= nutty mummy´s last blog ..The one with the missing key: The shortened version. =-.
Erica says:
Dear sweet Heather,
My tears are falling again today as I read this post(I’m currently at work and have my head down). Your words cut through me, dear sweet Heather, I feel your intense pain and grief jumping out at me from the computer screen. I feel them and yet I know that what you are feeling is so much more intense. As always, I wish from the very bottom of my heart that there was something I could do for you to ease your pain. As always, I’m hoping that you knowing that I am sharing this journey with you, feeling your pain and grief with you may offer you just a tiny piece of comfort. If only I could give you, this amazing and wonderful Mama, more.
Dear sweet Heather, I am always here from afar holding your hand, holding you up and hugging you, willing you to keep on going up. My arms are out-stretched helping you upwards on your escalator journey.
Sending you all my love from the very bottom of my heart.
Love as always
Erica in Luxembourg
Hawkfeather says:
I think the love that Madeline brought into your life will prepare you for your second child-
I don’t think a child needs medical answers or explanations- Madeline will forever give her sibling a beautiful gift by lighting your heart and paving the way into life- by showing two parents the depths of which a heart can shine.
Madeline gave that to her brother or sister-
and it will always be true.
There is nothing wrong with the basic truth- aside from the medical lingo or explanations…
That there could be no reason sound enough to *explain* why she isn’t here.
because she should be.
I
Kathryn says:
OK, I’ve written about 3 or 4 separate responses to you but scratched them all because nothing I seem to say or write, seems to be the “right” thing to say.
But I do like what someone wrote yesterday. They said Maddie’s life was not long, but it was wide. And that I liked. It gave me some comfort to think of it that way. I hope it helped you too.
Big hugs to you today and I stand by you on this escalator ride. You’re not alone.
Marti from Michigan says:
It’s just not fair Heather and Mike, just not fair! It stinks that Maddie is gone.
I have no idea why God takes little kids, it’s something I want to ask Him some day. I want to ask God if HE hurts when He takes these little ones home to Him. I just don’t understand.
I work in the medical field, but I don’t know what went wrong either. Maddie’s illnesses may just have been too much on her sweet little heart….I just can’t answer this. I’m crying now too – starting my working shift right now (5:20 a.m. in Michigan).
I try to think of my paternal grandmother when I feel sad…..I loved her so much, she died when I was only 10 and now at age 58, I STILL miss her. When I was ages 5 through 10, we hung around all the time together.
At that time in her life, she was widowed by Huntington’s disease, a grampa I never met. Her son, my uncle, died of Huntington’s as a young man in his early 30s, I never knew my uncle. My grandmother also lost a 6 month old son to, probably crib death, but way back in the early 1900s they called it “quick pneumonia.” The saddest part of that was, they buried him in Red Key, Indiana where my grandmother/grandfather were from, and they had no hearse’s back then. My grandfather drove all the way from Grand Rapids, Michigan to Red Key, Indiana while my grandmother held her dead baby son. That must have been heart wrenching.
She had also lost one of her daughter’s to cancer.
My grandmother knew grief very much and was a “pro” at it. She lived to age 72 when a stroke took her. I miss her so much.
I know you’ll get through this, with time and love, and lots of prayer coming your way.
Krissa says:
I’m sending you the most heartfelt (((hugs))) possible over the Internet.
amanda says:
All I can say is I wish there was something we could say or do to make it better. I hope you are able to go up that escalator – even a little bit – soon.
xo from CT,
Amanda
.-= amanda´s last blog ..control alt delete. =-.
Kate in NZ says:
When Binky asks “Why?”, you can say “I don’t know”. It’s important to know that there are things no-one knows – and the whys that no-one knows are often the hardest to accept and live with. As you know. Love and hugs to you, as ever.
.-= Kate in NZ´s last blog ..Green eyes =-.
cj says:
I’m so sorry.
Brittanie says:
You’ve rendered me speechless, with your beautiful yet devastating words….because…it’s all true and there’s not a damn thing anyone can do as you fight this God awful escalator. We can love you-and I know we all do. We can offer to lay everything we have down for you-and we would. But at the end of the day it just doesn’t make your journey any easier. I would give anything in this whole wide world to give you…whatever you wanted…whatever you needed. Deepest love to you *hugs* I wish I could hold your hand as you ride. (here’s a random note for you, I grew up with several friends who had siblings who passed before they were born and all of them spoke of their siblings as if they were the best of friends, they looked up to them, a lot of them talked to them , and all of them loved their siblings deeply…I know Binky will be so incredibly proud to say Maddie is their sister & they will carry her along, on all those events and milestones and journeys that precious Maddie never go to take) Again, all my love Heather. You are incredible and beautiful and smart and sharp and witty and hysterical (no seriously, you crack me up on twitter all the time) you are also strong & inspirational & always always Real. May peace find you in your rest tonight.
Bec says:
There’s nothing I can say that will be the right thing. Just know that I’m thinking of you and that I’m feeling a small portion of your pain too. I wish that made it easier for you.
.-= Bec´s last blog ..Fire Kyle! But what about the mother? =-.
Kelly says:
Oh Heather…
I have no idea why this should happen to ANYONE, let alone someone so very obviously in love with their beautiful little girl as you and Mike are. It is so unfair, and I will never understand or accept it.
I DO know that you make me a better parent, and that you inspire me every day.
Binky will be fine. Binky will have you, Mike and Rigby (and your wonderful families) – you’re amazing.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..How can you not laugh =-.
Anna Marie Hinnant says:
It isn’t fair, Heather, but Binky will understand more than you think, and will be a more compassionate person because of the love you and Mike have for Maddie.
Hugs.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Heather, no matter where you are on the escalator, I’m pulling for you…and I’m cleaning the handrails, because I’m a germaphobe.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..On occasion, I cheat. =-.
lisa wood says:
Heather…that’s deep. Hope that you can reach at least half way one day. Its still early days, and baby Binky will get how beautiful his/hers big sister was.
Wishing things were different…..just know that you are going to have the most beautiful loved baby ever, with Maddie looking down and being the best sister ever.
Hugs and love sent your way.
Lisa
Lolla says:
When Binky asks, and when he or she is able to read, just show him this site. I am sure it will mean SO much and get him or her so close to you and Maddie.
meg...CT says:
Everytime I think of your pain..I want to throw-up. Your pain is so real to me. I get that lump in the back of my throat that won’t go away.
Everything about your situation sucks. It is not right that Maddie is not here. It is not right that Binky will not know his sister. It is not right that you are left with a longing that will never be fulfilled. It all just sucks.
Wish I could take your hurt for even a short time.
charlane says:
Heather,
I am betting that Binky will suprise you with his or her compassion, understanding, and love for Madeline. Kids come through with the most amazing insight and compassion when adults need it the most. Thinking of you and Mike today and always.
Charlane
.-= charlane´s last blog ..The longest day in history… =-.
Kristen McD says:
((((HUGS))))
Alexandra says:
Heather,
I have a suggestion for you. One woman who lost two infants showed her two-year-old daughter a picture of a beautiful garden and told her that when people died it means that they go to the garden and they can’t come back. Maybe you can find something pink and purple and use that with Binky
Thinking of you,
Alexandra
Beret says:
There’s never anything to say that will help other than we’re reading and thinking of you.
lesley says:
I really haven’t a clue what to say….as I feel like I only know as much as what I’ve learned here…and I have no idea what your theological, religious views are….
I couldn’t imagine for one second the depth of your despair…and heartache….I do think….(at least I hope) that if I was in that situation…my knowing that once my time on this earth is done…that the first person to greet me on the other side would be my little angel….would give me something to hope for….For then I’d know…I would be able to hold her…not for the limited amount of time we have here on this earth…but for eternity…which I know is a hard thing to think about…because I would want my munchkin with me…right now…who cares about later….
I just noticed you said you’d never see her again….and I guess all I’m saying is that In my heart…I know she’ll be the one to welcome you home one day!!…
.-= lesley´s last blog ..Supermom doesn’t live here…. =-.
Christine says:
You’re right, it is unfair. Unfair to you, to Mike, Maddie and to Binky. I hope for days where your heart soars above the escalator of grief and I hope that you have a healthy and uneventful pregnancy with Binky.
Thinking of you and Mike always.
Middle-Aged-Woman says:
That Binky question sounds like one for the grief counselor. Is there a hospice near you that could help with materials for kids? Also, there’s a book called The Next Place. Beautiful picture book for kids.
.-= Middle-Aged-Woman´s last blog ..Random Tuesday Thoughts: Homeowner’s Edition =-.
Pgoodness says:
I’ve got nothing but hugs and hope for you. I wish I had the words, but I’m pretty sure there aren’t any. This was
beautifully, heart-wrenchingly written
.-= Pgoodness´s last blog ..Time keeps on slipping…slipping… =-.
Kristina says:
In terms of losing someone, I was once told, “It doesn’t get better or easier. It just becomes a part of who you are.” At the time I thought the person was a fucking idiot and that it made no sense at all. Even when 5 years had passed I had no idea what that sentiment meant. But a few years later, I started to feel it. It doesn’t get better or easier. The pain is still raw. AND it’s a part of who I am, as integral as being left-handed. For Binky, it will be a part of who he or she is. He or she will always know who Maddie is. Binky will have lots of questions but Maddie will always be Binky’s big sister, and Binky will know that, from the very beginning.
Elaine says:
It sucks. It really does. There’s no two ways about it.
I imagine that Binky will just grow up accepting that he/she has a sister who is no longer with you — accepting, and loving her, because you do. This will be a fact of life for him/her, probably a bit sad but also part of the landscape, the way my niece grew up knowing her little sister died in mommy’s tummy. She’s drawn pictures of the two of them riding boats together, even though she’s never seen her sister’s face…Binky will always know and love Maddy.
Miche@CoordinatedChaos says:
This is a deep, long hug for you and Mike and Binky today. I wish I could give you all real hugs.
.-= Miche@CoordinatedChaos´s last blog ..F-A-M-I-L-Y =-.
jen says:
sending hugs. and holding out a hand to help you up a couple of steps.
this new little one will know so much about his/her big sister … you have videos and pictures galore. madeline will show him/her so much happiness. what a great gift that she’s given her little brother/sister. (and all of us.)
(and you.)
keep trying to get up those steps … baby needs you to.
.-= jen´s last blog ..i {heart} faces … at the beach … =-.
darcie says:
thinking of you – wish I could say something that would, for one minute, make your heart stop hurting – since there are no words – just know that we are out here – and thinking of you guys and of your sweet lil Maddie
.-= darcie´s last blog ..Twas the night before… =-.
Angie says:
hugs, binky will be lucky to have you and mike as parents. You will be a wonderful mother for that baby.
Im sorry you are so low. I can not help but want you to know I read your blog every day and think of you and maddie often.
Have strength my friend. YOU CAN DO THIS!
Becky says:
I can’t believe it either, Heather.
.-= Becky´s last blog ..Only Slightly Better Than A Holiday In Cambodia =-.
Christine says:
I really don’t know what to say except that I believe new babies have a tremendous healing powers. (I postd this on Mikes blog) While your heart will always be broken, Binky will very likely make it hurt much less. You may one day get closer to the top than you think you will.
I just lost my best friend – she has 3 little ones – 7, 4 and 2. A mother taken from her children. Just so wrong.
And I read daily about your little Maddie being taken from you…just so incredibly wrong.
My thoughts and prayers are with you every day.
.-= Christine´s last blog ..Processing =-.
Midwest Mommy says:
You got me, I am crying at 7:30 am. I know there is nothing I can say or do but thank you for sharing all of this with all who read.
.-= Midwest Mommy´s last blog ..Strange or just like you? =-.
Mary says:
It sucks that you’re having an awful, down day. Anything I think to start to write seems so trite and useless, as I’m sure you’ve heard all of it before. I know it seems like you won’t, but you will get through this. You won’t get over it, but you’ll get through it. And you and Mike will love Binky, and Binky will see it that, although Maddie isn’t here now where everyone can see her, she’s still around. Binky will be glad that Maddie was with you and Mike for a little while, and that you had such joy when she was here.
So know that we’re all supporting you as you struggle through this down day. And that you can rant/scream/berate for as long as you want and we will be here to support you as you do that.
Much love, even as a stranger, and wishes for some small measure of peace for you today.
Deborah says:
I’m so sorry, Heather. As hard as that was to read, I can’t imagine how hard it is to live your life every day, with this kind of pain. I don’t know how you will go on, but you will. I’m so sad for all the things you’ll never do with Maddie and for the person she will never become.
My cousin lost his son at the same age you lost Maddie (also very unexpectedly), and they just had another baby. I’m sure they are dealing with the same emotions that you are.
(((((hugs and peace)))))
.-= Deborah´s last blog ..New Etsy Listings =-.
Susan says:
Thinking of you and Mike. Your beautiful words serve as a history to your family. And one day they will treasured by those who love you most.
Amy says:
I wish I could hold your hand and help you take a few steps higher. I can not imagine what you must feel like right now. But I do know that Binky will bring so much joy in to your lives… and that he/she will reflect parts of Maddie’s personality… or maybe her curly hair… or maybe a similar little laugh… and those things will help you get through.
Much love to you today…
xoxox
Amy
Kate says:
Picture all your readers on the step below you. Urging you up and here to support you.
So beautifully written.
Dee says:
I have no words that can possibly help. But just know that you are loved, thought about, and prayed for every moment of every day.
Ninabi says:
Heather,
Forever after this post, I will always connect escalators with grief.
Almost fifty years ago, I was “Binky” to my parents. There was another child before me, a little girl.
I always considered myself to be “the oldest” but really, I wasn’t. Their loss was handled with silence. Neither parent even mentioned her name. I miss knowing who came before me.
Maddie was such a lovely, vibrant, joyful little person who you will always love and miss. In sharing her life with Binky, could you create a scrapbook, perhaps laminating the pages to make them more durable in small hands, that would tell the story of her life? Her bravery. Her love of purple.
Binky will want to know.
I’m thinking of you every day, Heather.
Amanda says:
such a beautifully written post. you touch anyone that has ever lost someone dear to them. Thank you for letting us read your words.
Megan says:
You will tell Binky (and show her, with all your great photos and videos) that Maddie was a wonderful big sister who loved purple and Abby Cadabby and had a wonderful, contagious laugh. She will love Maddie the same way that all of us grew to love her, even though we could never meet her. And when she asks what happened to Maddie, you can tell her that she got very sick, and nobody really knows why she didn’t get better. I think it will make more sense, and you’ll have a better idea of what to say, when the time actually comes.
I’m still thinking about you and hoping you have better days and can climb a few steps soon.
Patty says:
I wish more than anything that you had never been thrust onto this terrible escalator ride. I don’t understand how or why things like this happen and some things are just that… inexplicable. I think you are doing the best that you can do, and each day that you climb this escalator and do try to live, well I think that it gives Maddie peace to see that. You have so much love and support here, don’t stop writing your feelings. I hope you know how much your family is loved!
.-= Patty´s last blog ..A day late and a dolla short! =-.
Lindsay from Florida says:
You are brave beyond words. And my heart just about melted when you wrote about wanting to protect your Binky. It shows you’re already in love with the new little one, and I would expect nothing less from the strong and amazing mom of Madeline.
daisybv2 says:
“Hugs” I know there is nothing I can do to make it better or easier for you, but I will pray that in the coming months you will take a few steps up…..
.-= daisybv2´s last blog ..Me a Mom of a preemie =-.
Danes says:
Aw honey. It’s just new realizations every day, huh? HUUGG.
I did have a dream about Maddie last night, though. She was laughing and SO happy. You were there, and I had just gotten a text from you telling me not to forget to vote in the Congressional election tomorrow (yeah, I dunno). Then, Maddie was riding this little miniature donkey, and loving every second of it. She had on a pink and white sundress and a little pink bow headband. Totally bizarre dream but it made me smile. I hope it makes you smile a little.
xoxo
Jennifer says:
The great thing though Heather is that you have this blog to show Binky! You have done such a great job of sharing everything about Maddie from before she was even born–Binky will learn so much about her this way–and about your feelings as well.
None of this is fair–but I know you’ll do a great job explaining everything to the new baby and making him/her feel safe and loved.
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Pedicures! =-.
denise says:
Oh Heather,
I read your blog everyday – it’s part of my morning routine.
My heart hurts for you everyday.
Love to you and Mike.
Sara Joy says:
Don’t know what to say except that, well, this SUCKS. It’s all just so stinking final, and there is nothing we can do…for the next fifty years. My friend described it as a face plant into a brick wall. I think that’s about right, we’re just stuck, it’s completely immovable, our children our frozen in time and we are not.
I’m currently somewhere in the middle of the escalator, email me if it helps. :S
.-= Sara Joy´s last blog ..There Is Faith =-.
Tina says:
I really truly wish that I could do something-anything to take away even a fraction of your torturous pain. It is all just so damn wrong. My love to you always. Keep breathing
Maria Delgado says:
I am praying this for you.
Psalm 51:11-12
Cast me not away from Your presence and take not Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit.
I pray that God can give you comfort and someday restore your joy.
*Maria E. Delgado*
mythoughtsonthat says:
Faith….Hope….Love….Peace.
You’ll be O.K.
.-= mythoughtsonthat´s last blog ..United =-.
Amanda says:
I am going to start with what Ben said, on the plus side, Binky has wonderful parents. Parents who have a treasure trove of memories of the big sister he/she will not meet. The fact that you guys have so many pictures and videos will be a huge gift one day.
I wish that someone could push the emergency stop button for you, even for one day. Since we can’t, this *hug* is the best thing I can do.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Pumpkin Dump Cake (stolen recipe) =-.
Kelly says:
heather….we do not know one another. I happened to stumble on your blog the day your “life changed forever” and have read ever since. As a mother myself I find your journey to be heartbreaking yet at the same time inspiring. Friends of my sisters have recently experienced the tragedy of losing a child and I believe that you may be able to lift one another through each others thoughts. Please visit the site http://www.willmcanaul.com
Ginger says:
Oh, dear Heather. When Binky comes you will feel joy again, and you need not feel guilty for having good feelings along with your grief. You were always a joyful person before, and you will be again but those feelings will go alongside your grief for Maddie, and you heart will expand the way it always does to make room for love. You can Heather. We love you.
.-= Ginger´s last blog ..Haiku Friday – gadgets =-.
JennK says:
I think you’re right about the escalator. I never thought of it that way but it’s true. At least for a while. The escalator slows down, stops and turns into a staircase.
You will reach the top. And you will be able to see how far you’ve come. I know, from the bottom, you can’t even imagine it. This is all so fresh and raw for you. And despite the thousands (ten thousands? million?) of supporters to cheer you on, you and Mike climb alone. This part sucks, no doubt.
As for Binky? Binky will understand love. Binky doesn’t grieve like we do and won’t for a long, long time. My girls know about their brother (and their daddy) and speak of him and look and pictures and ask about him. They only know what I tell them. And how I tell them. They consider his life to be a happy baby one.
.-= JennK´s last blog ..Cleaning up my own mess. =-.
san says:
Heather, I haven’t commented much, but I read every single entry… I feel for you. I can not imagine how hard every day must be for you and your husband.
AMomTwoBoys says:
Oh, honey.
I love you. I know that doesn’t help or change anything, but it’s all I have to offer.
xoxo
.-= AMomTwoBoys´s last blog ..California Dreaming =-.
lisa says:
I read all the time and don’t comment but I just want to say that your grief just overwhelms me. And if it overwhelms me, a total stranger, I can begin to imagine what it must feel like for you. I think of you often.
Jen says:
While I am near the bottom of a similar escalator grieving my grandmother, I at least take comfort in knowing that she loved her life and it was a hard one, but a good one.
I’m so sorry for all you’re missing with sweet Maddie.
.-= Jen´s last blog ..Low =-.
eliza says:
Anne Lamott (writer/author) says that the one thing no one tells you about being a parent is that once you have them for the rest of your life you will never take an untroubled breath again. And she’s talking about a parent who has never had a child taken from them. You will have to sort through it with Binky in how you love him/her and how you cope. But Binky will be ok. I think you’re going to get to the top of that escalator. I really do. I’m so glad you got to have Maddie and to know her, that she was born despite what they told you to expect so early on. I’m so glad you got to have her and to to love her. To say I’m sorry she’s gone or that what happened is so unfair is a gross understatement but what a gift to have loved her.
If you don’t read Life with Hannah and Lily, check it out. She’s incredible. She describes the escalator in her own particular way but it’s the same escalator.
The woman I posted about a few days ago who lost her two year old daughter said much the same thing that you said today. She said she didn’t think she would ever get through it. But she did and she has a beautiful life.
Are you feeling any less morning sickness? Any more headaches? Is your tummy pooching? Feel free to ignore any and all nosy questions.
Susan A says:
Hi Heather-
I hate to hear that you are in so much pain today. I always pray just before I click onto your site: “Let this be a good day for Heather.” Well, at least a better day. I obviously didn’t pray hard enough today. Big hugs and big kisses.
kay says:
oh but there are so many wonderful things you will teach Binky, things you learned from Maddie, things Maddie learned from you. I have never lost a child and how grateful I am for that, but your life will be joyful once again and Binky will surely be a part of that as will Maddies memories, which are rich and sweet and can only add to Binky life. May God bless you and your family as you have to endure this.
.-= kay´s last blog .. =-.
Laurie says:
It is okay if you tell Binky, “I don’t know,” and he/she will understand. Kids “get” these things so much more easily than we do, and I think it’s more than just not knowing better. It will be okay for him or her to just not know why–and much easier than it for you–and only know that their big sister was amazing and fantastic and was taken away too soon.
A friend was going through a very difficult pregnancy and delivery, and she told someone she just couldn’t do it anymore. The person responded, “But you are doing it.” I don’t how you go about this, but you are. You don’t need to know how you will do this–how you will live out the rest of your years–but you will. You don’t need to know how now.
.-= Laurie´s last blog ..Sitting Up – Outtake =-.
Erin says:
I wish I could say something to help, but I know that my words are only words. So I’m sending hugs, which I hope will help you climb a step or two on your escalator. I wish I could do more. And I agree with Laurie…sometimes “I don’t know” is the right answer. Or at least, as much of a right answer as anything else. ((HUGS))
Lea says:
Elizabeth Edwards said in an interview (when referring to having terminal cancer) that death looks very different when you have a child on the other side. But what a long life to get through to get to that point.
But what a beautiful life you will have with Binky and Mike.
.-= Lea´s last blog ..Round Here =-.
Megan says:
I have no words for you today – only tears and prayers. Life can be unfair but know that Binky is so lucky to have Maddie for a big sister…
.-= Megan´s last blog ..Confessions of a Bad Mommy. =-.
bzmomma says:
Am so sorry to hear you’re on the down and down today…
But, I just had to add one thing, and I hope it makes you feel just a tad bit better…Maddie did fall in love…with her parents and family. I know it’s not the kind of falling in love you were talking about, but love was all around her. She loved and was/is loved…
Rachel Stoehr says:
Heather,
I was just talking about you and Maddie to a friend of mine and how every morning i come into work to read your blog and it just breaks my heart. I always have you and your family in my thoughts and prayers each day and i hope that you soon find a way up that escalator. I don’t know you but from everything that i have read you and your husband are such amazing, loving parents and because of that Binky will know the love that you have for Maddie and that will shine through with Binky. You are such great people and i just want to thank you for your blog each and every day. Maddie is beautiful by the way, i just love looking at her smile. :o)
Jerzey Girl says:
Hi Heather,
Let me start by saying how sorry I am for your loss. I read your blog and ask myself a question everyday. All I ever wanted to be was a mother. I am now 43 years old, the plumbing isn’t working and would not be able to afford fertility treatment on my own. So I question is it better to have & lose or to not have at all? I’m not sure this is coming out right, obviously it’s better to not lose at all….
Linds says:
as a social worker that works with kids and families, at some point you may want to find a book about children and grief. that might help explain how little ones understand grief, since their developing cognitive processes are different than ours. but kids are resilient, and though binky will know grief more intimately than some kids may, she will also have you as a mother – what a lucky baby
i’m so sorry that you will never have those moments with maddie. the world is poorer for having lost such a rich soul.
beth says:
Hi-
I too am “just” a reader. I feel as I am living this nightmare with you. I cry when I read your blogs. I pray for you and your family everyday and hope the next day is “better” in some way than the day before. My words cannot take away ANY of this pain…I hope they do offer some/little tiny bit of comfort.
When Binky begins to grow and learn and understand, the words you want to share about Maddie will be the most beautiful words you will speak and that Binky will hear. Somehow, someway Binky will ALWAYS know about their big sister Maddie and how in a very short life she managed to bring smiles and laughter and so much love to her mommy and daddy and family and even to strangers.
(((((HUGS)))))
beth
Georgia says:
I read your blog but I’ve never commented. I just wanted to let you know that even though I never knew her, Maddie is in my heart.
xox
.-= Georgia´s last blog ..Touch Me (I Wanna Be Dirty) =-.
KIm says:
If you believe in God, you WILL see your daughter again.
cindy w says:
No words, just big hugs to you & Mike (and Binky).
.-= cindy w´s last blog ..the not-really-a-vlog =-.
Cynthia says:
Heather, I have never met you but I read your blog and I can feel your pain I seriously ache for you and Mike both and I know that no matter what anyone says it will never bring back your precious little Maddie and I am truly sorry for your loss… I believe that Maddie and Binky have already met and Maddie is telling little Binky all about you and what a wonderful Mommy you are.. Sending you BIG Hugs!!
Elizabeth says:
I am sorry you are feeling so terrible right now, I wish we could give you some relief from your pain. Crap, I keep deleting stupid stuff that won’t help you – I just wanted to say I am sorry.
Lady Lemon says:
It isn’t fair in the least. Not in any way.
Thank you for sharing this journey with us, even though I know it’s hard for you. You write about it so beautifully. Hang in there. Binky will be here soon and maybe that will help ease your pain a little bit.
As far as what to tell Binky, just say that Maddie is in heaven and smiling down on all of you. The details can wait till s/he is older and will understand a little better.
.-= Lady Lemon´s last blog ..Ten Truths =-.
Lisa from WV says:
Your posts yesterday and today broke my heart for you. I’m praying for you and your family every day.
Karen says:
I have no words that will help but like so many others I offer you my hand to help you up one more step…
.-= Karen´s last blog ..There Be Dragons… =-.
Christina says:
Oh Heather…what can one say.
Just know that on the darkest days…I pray even HARDER for you and your family.
xoxo
.-= Christina´s last blog ..Christina B.C. *(before children) =-.
Jackie says:
Hi love,
I wish there was something I could do to help you go up. But, in the absence on that option, know that I’m always here for you as you go down too. I’ll be there with you on every level top or bottom.
Love you more than words,
Cha cha
Bunny says:
Sometimes during the day, I get a wave of grief over your loss of Maddie. I just can’t believe its true. And that is me, a “virtual stranger.” I can’t even imagine what its like for you. I hope the escalator gets just a little easier to climb as time goes by.
.-= Bunny´s last blog ..The Day the Mayor Gave Up Veganism, Part III =-.
Glenda says:
I hope the escalator will get a lil easier every day. Baby steps! I’m sure you will find the words to share Maddie with Binky and with your kind words Binky will understand and feel your love and Mikes. Thanks for sharing you and yours with all of us. Sending you hugs and hoping there’s some comfort today. Take care of yourself and Binky XX
JMF says:
i have no idea.
binky will make it through.. and the gift of learning about his/her big sister.
it’s not fair.
.-= JMF´s last blog ..terd the turtle =-.
Suzanne says:
Heather,
Last night I was on you tube and watched your videos of your sweet girl! What a light and a gift! You could feel her love radiate in those videos.
I am so sorry that she is gone. My friend lost her seven year old daughter to cancer suddenly two years ago and she too goes up and down the escalator. I pray the escalator gets easier with every passing day. Take care of your sweet Binky and yourself! I’m praying for you and Mike.
Deb says:
I can’t say anything that will make it better.
Just know that we’re all here for you and Mike and Binky.
Valarie says:
Heather, I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. Madeline will forever be with you and Binky will benefit from knowing how much both he/she and his/her sister are loved. Please be gentle with yourself Heather….
Susan says:
Oh Heather,
I’m crying…You are right, you will have to explain all of this to Binky and there IS sooo much you don’t get to see Maddie do and experience and accomplish. It is heart wrenching. We all read your blog and support you and love you more than words can explain and we fiercely want to protect you, to help you, to carry you, but in so many ways we can’t. In a way we can all be there in spirit while you explain to binky what happened to Maddie, but at the end of the day, you and Mike are in that room talking to Binky alone. We can however, be your sounding board, your shoulder to cry on, and your cheerleading squad. The loss of Maddie is monumental, even for Binky, but Binky is still so, so very lucky to have you and Mike as parents. Hang in there, babe. I know that sounds so feeble, but it IS important. Hang in there. There is sunshine after the rain. It doesn’t mean you won’t have rainy days, but at least you’ll have laughter with Binky through the rain. We love you very much! ~Susan
.-= Susan´s last blog ..We Almost Killed My Mom This Weekend =-.
Colleen says:
I can speak from experience, Binky will be fine as long as you are. Binky will feel a loss, but not consuming grief. And yes, there are so many things that you will never experience with Maddie and there are millions of parents who won’t experience the little time you had with your daughter. Life can be crap sometimes. Don’t look too far down the “future” road” just get through today and think about tomorrow, tomorrow. Baby steps….and you are making progress, albeit small, but progress. Focus on how far you have come and how you will get to tomorrow and reward yourself for doing that. Be kind to yourself and don’t worry about Binky yet. Cross that bridge when you get to it. You can do it Heather. It will be in honor of Maddie and Binky and Mike (your family).
Alison says:
I’m not a parent, as you know, so I can only imagine how steep the climb is. I just know I’ll be on the sidelines of that horrible, unfair escalator, offering you a hand, a shoulder, or an ear.
xoxo
.-= Alison´s last blog ..Which One AM I? =-.
Alexandra says:
Heather, I think it is always going to feel like this; how could it not? It’s been only 17 wks, 17 wks of a living hell. Maddie was your life, not just a part of it, you will always be thinking of her. I think that is going to be the truth. How can you “get over” something like that? I know, if I were in your world, I coudn’t, It would just be a second at at time.
Your baby is going to be such a huge blessing to you. I know you already know that.
Shannon Kieta says:
I think everyone’s life is an elevator in one way or another. I feel that way with my sister in death. My kids in growing up, my marriage in years, my life in age. We all go through changes and life takes us on journey’s. You are such a special person and I feel blessed to know you…even if it is in cyberspace.
Sunny says:
Oh Heather, I always pray for every day to be just a tiny bit easier than the day prior. As a mom of a little boy who is 16 months I stare at him and cannot fathom not having him in my life. The fact that you can even crawl out of bed on some days is inspiring to us all.
Maybe on day you’ll suprise yourself and bound up 2 steps.
.-= Sunny´s last blog ..More Words & Stickers =-.
Erin says:
Ugh Heather i have such a hard time…i cant offer any advice or wise words to help you heal. But i can pray, and think wonderful thoughts for you and Mike and Maddie and Binky! You will have SO many wonderful things to share with Binky, so many pictures and videos, and all the love everyone had for Maddie. I hope that can over shadow the grief, even for a small mintue.
.-= Erin´s last blog ..Flying right on by….. =-.
Jessi says:
((hugs))
you’re a good mommy!
Cat says:
I am continually amazed and inspired by your willingness to reach up from the depths and make contact with the surface. Keep sharing.
Mama Badger says:
Miss Heather,
There is no end to the escalator, and that is the truth. I lost my Mom at 17, and that was 18 years ago. There are still days when I sit for an hour or two and cry about the things she’ll never see and do. But it does get a little better each day. You’ll come to appreciate that you can still cry for Miss Maddie’s loss, because that means even years and years later, you still love her and miss her just as much.
And for those days when it all seems crummy, I go with Dora’s saying from Finding Nemo, “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming”.
.-= Mama Badger´s last blog ..The Spin Cycle- Spin It Again, Sam… =-.
carrie says:
you know, maddie DID fall in love— with you and her father.
thoughts and prayers always.
Haley says:
(((Hugs))) I pray that you and Binky will find some peace in time. I know that things will never be the same…but I also hope that you will still have some joy and happiness in the days to come.
If you ever need anything, please just ask.
.-= Haley´s last blog ..Almost two =-.
Kim says:
You will know what to say when the time is right.
Last night I was having dinner with friends and they were talking about their chickens. They both have chickens and I asked what they did with them when they died. It started a conversation about how it was a great way to teach their children about death.
I sat there and realized that it is not something I ever have to teach my children about, it’s something they live with every day.
Seth is 5 and is old enough to realize what he is missing by having his sister gone. That is hard.
When you write about the 50 years prison sentence, I can completely relate. I can tell you now though, that while I don’t want to be here on Earth without her for one more minute, it doesn’t hurt like it did in the beginning. I no longer feel like I’m suffocating from the inside out, I no longer feel that raw pain that only a parent who has had to bury their child can understand. It is never ok, but it won’t be like this forever. I promise.
love to you…
.-= Kim´s last blog ..BlogHer Recap =-.
Julie says:
When our son passed he was our first and I was so sad and so lost. I would sit and look at pictures and wonder what the future held. I cried so hard and so long one day I almost passed out. It brought me back to reality for a moment and scared me a little. Who knew we could be so heart broken. That was seven years ago and I now have three more children. They know about their brother, and they know he is in heaven. My 5 year old asks more specific questions, but I give her five year old answers. I do not want my kids to think they will die if they get sick. They really have little understanding of death. My kids talk about him as if they knew him, and always include him when counting how many members are in our family. They ask what he looked like and all kinds of questions. He will always be a part of our family and when they are much older and ready I am sure I will have to tell them what happened. We are thinking of you and Binky and praying for your family.
VDog says:
I still can’t believe she’s gone.
Thinking of you all today.
xoxoxoxoxo
Katie says:
I am so sorry, Heather. I check in every day or so and I just feel for you. One of my best friends lost her son to a tragic accident almost a month ago – he was run over by a trailer and died instantly. He was 8 years old.
I thought of you so often as I stood by her side and cried with her. Seeing her go through this has made me so much more aware of some of what you are going through.
For what it’s worth, I believe there are reasons for things and I believe that Maddie is with you – not in the same way, but is with you nonetheless. I also believe there will come a point where you are with her again and can finish raising her, starting where you left off and that you won’t miss one day of that.
I know not everyone has beliefs about things or the same beliefs about things, but after some of the experiences my friend and her family went through, I can say that I have no doubt about these things.
Regardless, it doesn’t fix the here and now and I’m so incredibly sorry for your pain. It’s not fair – it isn’t. No matter what the reasons, it is NOT fair and there is nothing that can take away the pain and loss I know you are living with every day, no matter what you believe. It is devastating.
tara says:
i have no words that seem big enough, but every day i am sending you all of my love, strength and a big, giant hug. i so wish that i had more that would help, but please know that my thoughts are always, always with you.
Bridget says:
xoxo
.-= Bridget´s last blog ..One step at a time… =-.
Jenn says:
I just don’t have the right words. This is soo terribly wrong that she is gone.
I am soo sorry.
Much love, Jenn in CA
sky says:
i have a friend whose baby brother died before she was born. she has never felt immense sadness about this except for her parents whose pain she was accutely aware of. his loss preceded her arrival and was not personal to her. oh, she probably would have enjoyed a brother. she ended up being an only child. but, there has been NO HEAVY DUTY sadness for her regarding his absence from her life. her mother’s deep pain has been painful to her, however. i suspect your baby will have the same issues with your pain. i hope you won’t worry so much about your baby’s pain over maddie’s death but instead will focus on ways not to project your pain onto your new one. i know this is so hard, and my heart aches for you. time will help the intensity of this pain even though you don’t see that yet. it is a long, hard journey and there are no short cuts.
.-= sky´s last blog ..Healing Elements =-.
anymommy says:
You are incredibly brave just for continuing to take steps.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..How I Do It =-.
Issa says:
I think that over time, you tell Binky all about Maddie. I’m finding that as mine get older, they don’t always want a solid answer, they just want to hear the story. So I tell them the truth, as much as they can handle in that moment.
It’ll come in time Heather. Just like maybe, one day, that escalator will get a shoe stuck in it for awhile and stop. Give you a chance to catch your breath before it starts again.
Hugs and love to you and Mike today and everyday. (Madeline and Binky too.)
.-= Issa´s last blog ..The time has come, the walrus said… =-.
Molly says:
You are such a good writer, Heather, and you put things so well. I can only imagine how you must be feeling and hope that Binky’s impending arrival can bring you some joy in the face of all the turmoil.
Elizabeth says:
I never know what to write when you are feeling down. Just know that I am sending you hugs and prayers today and everyday.
(life coach) Rhian says:
this is the first time I have read your blog and I spent hours today familiarizing myself with your story and your family.
Your daughter was a beautiful gift in your life and she still can be one, she can be a gift to binky, she can be a gift to you for the next fifty years that you get to remember her, to think of her, to value the time you had with her.
Right now you have an open wound on your heart and it will never truly heal. The trick I found in times of grief (i have had my fair share of grieving in my life too, but nothing like this specifically) is to try to change my perspective (and trust me this is very hard, i’m not saying that you should be able to just snap your fingers and do it). I try to remind myself that instead of being so furious that they are gone, i should try to focus on how thankful i am that the amazing souls that i have loved and lost were in my life at all. Somehow i got lucky enough to share their life. Somehow i was blessed enough to be there for it. Somehow, you were lucky enough to be her mom…out of everyone else in the world, it was you who was blessed with the gift of her and it will be you who will carry her onward for the rest of your life.
I know that all of this is impossible and that there might be a part of you who wants to slap me for suggesting any of this at all and that is okay. I just want you to know that this blog is an amazing outlet, to keep writing in it and to be willing to receive the outpouring of love, admiration and positive energy that is being sent your way. I know that I will be sending you as much love as i can.
xoxoxo you and your family are in my thoughts
.-= (life coach) Rhian´s last blog ..Recommendation: Ghweiss’ Foodblog =-.
Katrina says:
**This post reminded me of a poem:
So I am glad not that my loved one has gone,
But that the earth she laughed and lived on
was my earth, too.
That I had known and loved her,
And that my love I’d shown.
Tears over her departure?
Nay, a smile
That I had walked with her a little while.
** Right now there are tears, so many tears, over Maddie’s departure. Perhaps, though, one day — maybe 5 years, maybe 15 years, maybe 20 years from today — you will have only smiles as you remember her.
It may seem impossible now, I know. But I do wish that for you.
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..Aria’s Birthday =-.
Amy says:
I like the comment about giving a 5-year old sibling 5-year old answers about their sibling in heaven. And, about always including her in the family count despite being gone. I believe age appropriate answers about Maddie will be suffice, then when Binky is old enough, you can show him/her this blog.
Amy in OHio says:
The only thing that seems to give me any comfort when I think about all this is that Binky has an amazing guardian angel.
It may sound hoky (sp?) but I have the feeling they have already chatted it up like old pals. Maddie giving Binky the low down on just how to win hearts and influence people – just like she did.
But it still sucks and life is so f-ing unfair I want to scream for you.
xxoo
.-= Amy in OHio´s last blog ..Sa-wing Batter =-.
Debby says:
There are no words, all I can do is pray for each day to get better. You life will never ever be the same but I do know that you will have laughter and happiness again.
.-= Debby´s last blog ..I’M BACK FOR A FEW DAYS =-.
katadia says:
My 3 y.o son, who never met his older brother, said: Kakak Reihan is up in heaven Mummy, he’s playing tennis!
Hugs to you Heather.
.-= katadia´s last blog ..Happy thoughts =-.
Lucy's Mom says:
She is so beautiful and I know your heart keeps breaking over and over. I wish I could help you the way you have helped me.
I keep dragging my daughter back from the abyss. Some days it seems so overwhelming but then I think of you and your loss. You have done more to inspire me to fight for her life than anyone I know IRL. Thank you, you will never know how much you have helped another curly-headed. big eyed girl.
I so wish I could do something in return, I so wish I could take and hold some of that pain for you.
Jen says:
I really can’t offer any advice because I have yet to find the top of the escalator myself. There will always be good days and there will always be bad days.
Thinking of you guys every single day.
farrellmo@yahoo.com says:
All I know is that when Binky is older and reads the beautiful words you have written he/she will be awed by the strength, courage and grace that his/her mama has.
Kim says:
Heather, in my life, I’m your Binky. My older brother was 6, almost 7, when he was hit by a car and died. I was born 2 months later. It was one of those facts my parents talked about as I was growing up, that I had a brother that died. Because I didn’t have to live thru it, it wasn’t as traumatic for me as it was for my parents. I think for me what is hardest, especially now being a parent myself, is understanding the horrible grief they must have felt. I pray for you, Mike, Maddie and Binky, that you may soon go up more days than you go down on your daily escaltor.
Jenny from Madison says:
Dear Heather,
Wish you were feeling a little better. I hope you know I think of you often & hope things will be easier for you. Glad to hear Binky is doing well. Even if you cannot smile- try to smile for that beautiful little angel looking at you. With lots of love from the Badger state! xxoo Jenny
Gillian says:
No words of wisdom today, sweet woman. Just quietly accompanying you down the escalator.
.-= Gillian´s last blog ..Genuine Question! =-.
Loukia says:
What can I say that has not already been said… I’m so sorry. I can feel your pain, I can imagine what it is like, and I’m so sorry. Unfair it is. Beyond unfair. Tragic and sad and the most horrible thing in the entire world. Keep her alive in your mind forever. Your new baby will bring you happiness, and you can talk to him or her about all the cute things your Maddie did. Her smile will live on forever. I believe you’ll be reunited again day, and that day will be so special. Again, my heart bleeds for you every day.
.-= Loukia´s last blog ..Giving him the moon and stars… =-.
Overflowing Brain (Katie) says:
Heather-
This post tears my heart apart. Truly. I don’t know what to say besides, while we can’t help you get off that escalator, there will be hundreds of us, every day, standing by, offering a hand, hug, shoulder or whatever else you need.
I know I’m among hundreds who would do anything in the world to save you from this, but the best we can do is be here for you and Mike and Binky and pray that some day you’ll find your way up the escalator.
gorillabuns says:
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! There. I said it. I mean it. If we can’t understand it, it’s even harder to try to get your kids to get it.
.-= gorillabuns´s last blog ..vacation is all i ever wanted. vacation happened to get away =-.
Glennia says:
Have you read Elizabeth Edwards’ books “Saving Graces” or “Resilience”? Both deal with parenting the memory of a child who was lost, and how that child never ever really leaves the family. My grandma lost 2 babies in early childhood, but I grew up knowing who they were (Rose and Violet). When I was little, I thought of them as my guardian angels. I think your Binky already knows this, somehow.
I wish I knew what to say to help you.
xoxo to you.
.-= Glennia´s last blog ..A Musical Interlude =-.
MaryJoRs says:
I don’t know how to say this without sounding awful… I feel so horrible about the loss of your little girl. At the same time I feel sad for Binky… Not just because s/he won’t know Maddie, but because s/he won’t know a truly happy mommy and daddy. Binky may never feel the loss of Maddie as you and Mike do, and that is okay, but don’t let her/him feel the loss of you both.
I have never felt the loss your going through, so I’m not trying to judge, believe me. Just a concerned reader.
xoxo
amy says:
Hopefully when Binky comes he or she will absorb you both and you will be so in love and entranced by he/she that it will HELP.
Help you recover from the loss of Maddie.. Give you renewed hope for the future and a reason to go on. Hard to digest I am sure but there is hope.. And I hope Binky provides it for you both..
My mom had 2 late miscarriages and a stillborn before giving birth to the 6 of us. I am awed by her strength and ability to love us all without reservation. I hope Binky provides the joy and gratitude you are needing right now.
Thinking of you and yours, Amy
Toni Brockliss says:
I was binky to my mum and dad who lost a son, my brother Steven.
I always feel sad that I never got to meet him, but I have always felt he was my angel on my shoulder.
My mum is 62 years old and still cries when we talk about him. To be hurt so badly is a pain you will carry the rest of your days.
As for me, my mum treasures every moment with me and she said she had someone to love and hold again.
.-= Toni Brockliss´s last blog ..can IT men chop wood? =-.
Jill says:
There is no time in heaven. When you see Maddie again it will seem as if no time at all has passed since the last time you looked into her sweet face.
Live you life, no matter low long knowing that Maddie is just fine. Binky’s life will be his version of normal. You’ll be great together.
Things really do get better over time. I didn’t think they would at first but they really do.
Kimmie says:
Love you Heather. Had a dream about you and Mike and Maddie last week. It was so vivid…so real. I never met her in real life, but I miss her, I miss her for you…because you are missing her. Love you from the bottom of my heart. Prayers are being sent out for you each day in comfort and peace. Hugs. Kimmie
.-= Kimmie´s last blog ..Blame it on the hormones… =-.
Shannon Kieta says:
Heather…
Not sure if you will get this or not, but when I read this, I thought of you…
The Broken Chain…
We little knew that morning that God was going to call your name. In life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same. It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone; for part of us went with you, the day God called you home. You left us peaceful memories, your love is still our guide; and though we cannot see you, you are always at our side. Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same; but as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again.
I hope this brings you a little peace, my friend, you are forever in my heart…luv ya! Shannon Kieta
Leita Reyna says:
As someone said, I imagine Binky will understand more than you know. Children are so open and accepting. It is quite refreshing to see things through a child’s eyes. A dear friend of mine recently passed away- though I am in no way comparing my grief to yours… just doesn’t compare- my 4 year old said to me when I was crying, “it’s ok Momma, it’s kind of happy because he gets to go be with all the angels and God now, AND we can talk to him whenever we want to”… which is what I told her before, but didn’t realize how much she believed it.
Maddie will always be a part of your family and there will always be that part of your heart reserved for Maddie. That is precious and no one can take that away. Love to you Praying for you in your grief..
.-= Leita Reyna´s last blog ..Muddy Muddiness! =-.
Lancaster says:
She did fall in love…with you and Mike.
april in NJ says:
So sorry you’re having a rough patch right now. Sending support, hugs, and love from NJ.
nic @mybottlesup says:
there are emergency phones in elevators, love… feel free to use it to call me. whenever.
xoxo.
.-= nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..tmhmm- who the hell am i??? =-.
Courtney says:
I am so sorry that you are in the depths of all of this right now! I am praying for you daily and can only help that my prayers are heard! God Bless.
Courtney in New York
.-= Courtney´s last blog ..I’m back =-.
J says:
There’s nothing anyone can say. I’m so sorry.
.-= J´s last blog ..I can’t think of a catchy title =-.
Rachel says:
My heart goes out to you more than words can express. Your loss and Maddie’s is unfair and incomprehensible. There is no making sense of it. I pray for you and Mike every day.
Someone sent me this link and the whole time I listened to the song I thought of you. And Maddie. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RLFfiBghio
Julie R. says:
Dear Heather,
I found your blog through a link on a friend’s blog, only to discover you know another friend of mine, Danny Miller. As you know, Danny and his wife, Kendall (one of my best friends), have a son in the NICU and lost his twin the day the boys were born. Through his blog (and in person), Danny has given me a glimpse into the terrifying world of the NICU and the loss of a child.
Reading your blog, I appreciate how unique each family’s situation is. I can understand your reluctance to join group therapy; I think I would feel the same way.
I spent a few hours last night reading many, many of your blog posts, starting when Maddie was released from the hospital. I can see what a joy she was–your descriptions are vivid, and the videos and photos are, as the saying goes, worth a thousand words. She was beautiful inside and out. I hope it gives you some comfort to know that just reading about Maddie and your family has affected me strongly. I can’t stop thinking about that adorable girl–and the wonderful and trying times you’ve had as her mother.
My heart goes out to you, your husband, and your extended family. But also, congratulations on your current pregnancy. I’m sending positive thoughts your way.
Best wishes,
Julie R.
Katy says:
I have kept up with your blot over the past several months. My heart breaks every time that I read it. I can not imagine what you are going through. This weekend, my child was put in the PICU for severe croup. We were not sure what the outcome would be, and I was scared to death. Thankfully, my little boy is home, but my life flashed before my eyes for a few days.
I immediately thought of you and your family. Your blog has affected my life so much and shown me that life is precious. My prayers are with you daily. I am so glad that God has blessed you with another precious child. Continue to be strong.
God Bless!
.-= Katy´s last blog ..HORRIBLE weekend =-.
Melissa Locke says:
Heather,
I am so sorry. My heart aches for you and your family. I pray that your heart will find peace soon. I can’t imagine what it has been like these past few months. There really aren’t words to express my saddness.
Erin says:
I’m sorry you’re in the depths. Try not anticipate how Binky will react–which might only set you up for more heartache or disappointment.
Are you making a book to introduce Binky to her sister?
Trisha vargas says:
“Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow”- Dan Rather
(((HUGS))) from Deltona,Fl
Odessa says:
Hi Heather- I know I can’t make anything better for you, but I wanted to share something with you. My older brother died before I was born and my oldest daughter died. I grew up knowing about Ian from as early as I can remember and it was never (to me) a feeling of grief per se. In some ways I missed him, but what I remember most is a constant feeling that he was with me. I used to talk to him all the time and I loved knowing I had an older brother looking out for me. My mother’s sadness and loss was not mine. I love him but he has always been a part of my life and so it’s hard for me to say that I “miss” him because I don’t feel like he’s gone. Losing my daughter was my lesson in loss and grief. And it’s most interesting to watch my second daughter grow up talking about her older sister she never knew in life. She tells people happily when they ask if she has a sibling that she has an older sister and a younger brother, but her older sister is dead. They freak out, but she happily goes on about how she had red hair and we wish she was here but we talk about her and in some ways she is here. My mother and I share a loss but in many ways my daughter and I share a sibling experience most don’t understand but we both treasure. I wish Binky the same happy experience. And I wish you a small measure of peace.
kay says:
maddie will be waiting for you at the top of that escalator, just so you know. she is up there now, cheering you on.
you *will* get there.
.-= kay´s last blog ..Fruit of My Labor =-.
Tara in The Fort says:
It is SO unfair. I don’t understand why these kinds of tragedies happen either, to anyone. It just plain sucks. I feel for you so much.
I think Binky will be such a blessing. I don’t mean that he/she will, in any way, take the place of Maddie. But Binky will be a beacon of light and hope in the darkness that is surrounding you now. And even though he/she will know grief and sadness, they will also know how much you loved Maddie, will see that everyday and will feel that love every single day. It’s OK to ride that escalator-ride it whichever way suits you that day, or even that hour. ((hugs))
.-= Tara in The Fort´s last blog ..Contentment. =-.
Erin says:
I have to say, I’m worried that you haven’t posted yet today…I’m hoping this means that you’re feeling better and are out doing something fun, but I’m guessing that you’re still at the bottom of your escalator, struggling to breathe. I hope that maybe tomorrow you’ll be able to take a couple steps toward the top of the escalator. Sending hugs!
Sarah says:
I wish all the tears your readers cried, hurting for you and knowing our words can’t heal your pain, were that many fewer tears you would cry and that much less pain you would endure. I wish so many things for you and for Mike and for sweet Maddie and Binky. Hugs and love and the prayer of some measure of relief for you both.
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..Little Women, and My Own Little Woman, In Particular =-.
MommyNamedApril says:
oh, heather. i’m so sorry you’re swimming against the tide. i so wish i could help you. ((hugs))
.-= MommyNamedApril´s last blog ..My Little Synchronized Swimmers. =-.
julie says:
I have no words; nothing to add that hasn’t been said.
I think ur great! I can only hope you will find comfort in the storm you face!
Prayers and love…
Julie in TN
Molly & Erik says:
sending lots of love to you Heather; i wish i could ease your pain by even a tiny fraction. it’s just not fair.
Katy says:
I have tears in my eyes as I write this because I wonder the same things for different reasons. I worry so much about the day I will have to explain to my son why he can’t walk when other kids can or why everything he does is a struggle. Scares me to death.
.-= Katy´s last blog ..Fin =-.
Mike says:
I can’t imagine the grief you feel. As much as you try to describe it, I’ll never quite be able to summon that kind of inner pain.
My experience as a professional in children’s health care has shown that children will ask questions about things they are ready to know. Have your pictures and momentoes of Maddie ready when you child asks about them. Answer her questions factually. Maddie passed away, she’s in Heaven, and Mommy is very sad. DO NOT EXPECT HER TO FEEL YOUR PAIN. That is an unreasonable, and cruel, expectation for a child. When you discuss your grief, be sure to place it in the context of the love you feel for Binky, and how much he or she means to you. They don’t have to grieve for your loss before they know their ABC’s. That is unreasonable and, honestly, a horrible burden to lay on a child.
You are surviving day to day, in your grief. Use the promise of this new baby to get you through the worst of it. You have no choice but to live, and push through, because you need to be as amazing a parent to Binky as you were to Maddie. He or she deserves just as much love as you gave to Maddie. Don’t bring up this child in an atmosphere of “if only”. That’s not fair. Keep doing what you’re doing to get better.
Heather says:
I’m not really sure why you think I expect Binky to feel MY loss and MY pain. It is unique only to me. I am worried about BINKY’S pain and BINKY’S grief. I’m sorry if I didn’t make that clear, but I certainly have NO intention of laying any “cruel horrible burdens” on my already loved second child.
eliza says:
What odessa said was so sweet…
I hope this isn’t the stupidest comment ever but I’m certain you have ptsd from the events in the hospital. Let me rephrase that because I’m not trying to diagnose you. I think maybe you do. You probably (hopefully) already know that and are seeing a counselor. I think I remember you saying you are. I just wanted to mention it because a couple things you’ve said about that day seem like clear indicators. Just a thought…and you’re going to be a great mama to binky. He/she will be a super lucky, super happy baby.
Dawn says:
Heather,
Just think…you have this wonderful blog and Mike’s wonderful blog to show Binky his/her beautiful sister. Most people do well to keep up a baby book. This IS so much more!
Much love to You, Mike, Rigby, and Binky
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..What else? =-.
muskrat says:
I’m so glad to see all these folks who’ve commented above me giving you support post and post after post. I hope they make “this” a little easier.
.-= muskrat´s last blog ..a glimpse into the life of a dark, slapshotting deity =-.
robin says:
Heather,
I want to thank you for your courage and your honesty in sharing your experiences (the days when you’re at the bottom, and those when you may have managed to climb a couple of steps higher on that escalator). I can’t imagine your pain, and I am so sorry that you have to carry that around with you every second of every day. I become almost paralyzed with fear just thinking of anything happening to my babies…I wish you didn’t have to lose yours. I wish you all the best with your new little miracle, and I send positive energy your way. I know you will never be all the way at the top, but I hope someday you are able to get close- both Maddie and Binky are lucky to have you as their mommy.
robin
Lee of MWOB says:
Your words are so powerful and sink deep into my soul. You are living my worst nightmare and yet I keep visiting you and your words to see how you survive it….you may feel like you’re not surviving the loss of your precious Maddie but you are. You are so strong….even when you think you are not.
So many comments here are wonderful – I love the one that said Maddie’s life was wide….that is so beautiful.
I believe that Binky will know his/her sister more than you could ever expect. You are an incredible family….and you all are in my prayers continually…..
Lee
.-= Lee of MWOB´s last blog ..BlogHer ’09 – The Emotional Arc of a BlogHer Conference Experience =-.
Erin says:
I think Mike’s words were very useful. Binky isn’t going to be born with any knowledge of your first child. Her/his pain and grief isn’t knowable. What if she or he doesn’t feel this loss as intensely as you do? Will you accept that?
Heather says:
are you kidding?
Kate says:
Heather, When we talk about my son that we lost we always refer to him as baby Ryan. He is our forever baby. I always think about what it would be like, if he was still with us, with ever millstone he would have crossed. When my youngest talks about baby Ryan (she was born about 8 yrs after Ryan), she calls him baby Ryan and says he is in Heaven with Jesus. She is 5 and I don’t remember her ever asking why Baby Ryan isn’t with us. She knows that he is her brother. Her brother in Heaven. Those are beautiful pictures of Maddie. She inspires me every time I see her picture. I understand about the 7th, My son was born on the 7th and we lost him on the 7th. I will keep you, Mike and Binky in my prayers. Hugs…Kate PS: I remember all the blood work and feeling like a human pin cushion, even worse for you having to give yourself daily shots. You are a brave woman.
Chrissy says:
Oh, Heather! I don’t even know what to say that people haven’t already said. Sometimes I don’t even think that words can even do much to help ease the pain. I do send my warm thoughts and my prayers though.
This post had me in tears. My friend lost her first baby a few years ago and she tells me that it doesn’t really get “easier” with time, but she learns to get by and has ways of coping. Not a day goes by that she doesn’t miss her baby boy. She did have two other baby boys after her first and to this day, the two boys recognize that they have an “older brother” who is not with their family anymore. My friend and her husband even take the boys to bring flowers, light a candle and sit and talk to their brother at the cemetery.
Thinking of you and that sweet little Maddie of yours. xoxoxo
Katie says:
I had a thought last night… I think that you and Maddie will someday laugh together at how short of a time you spent separated. Because compared to an eternity of happiness in heaven, years on Earth are merely a blink of the eye.
Al_Pal says:
*HUGS*
Amanda says:
I’m so sorry you have to go through all this and feel this way. The things you think and wonder about are those that no one should ever have to deal with.
My dad had a sister who was born two years before him, and died before she was a year old. When he was growing up, his parents took him to visit her grave when they were nearby (they moved to another state when he was young), but they did not have pictures of her, they did not ever really talk about her, there was nothing in the house as a reminder of her. I can remember thinking as a very young girl, that it wasn’t fair that my grandparents never let my dad “know” his older sister. Of course, now I know better than to ever, ever judge anyone for the way that they choose to deal with loss.
Your family, even those members who aren’t born yet, have been dealt an awful, unfair hand. You’re right. How could it possibly be fair for a young child to miss and grieve a sibling they didn’t get to meet?
I know that you will show Binky the thousands of pictures of Maddie more times than he/she can count. I know you will talk about Maddie often and tell Binky stories about her. Binky may never get to meet Maddie in person, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Binky will KNOW Maddie. And that is a wonderful gift.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..She fills me with such hope with a single word…. =-.