I like to ask other parents to share how they raise their kids. I think we’ve made some good choices with Annabel, and I think that’s largely in part to getting many differing perspectives and opinions on different topics. I read lots of “What to Expect” type things: My Toddler This Week, My Two Year Old Today, etc. I’ve always been a researcher and I like to know what might be coming and how I can prepare. Half the time, the stuff I read never applies to Annie, but I feel knowledgeable and like I have some control, which I know is ridiculous but I humor myself.
I don’t give advice with the same enthusiasm that I receive it. I used to love shelling out parenting advice. Your kid hit his head? Mine does it all the time, as long as she doesn’t lose consciousness or vomit, he’s fine! Your four-month old doesn’t like solids? You might have started him too early! Daughter eats food off the floor? So does mine, and she hasn’t died from it!
But then…my daughter did die. And even though it had nothing to do with anything I could control, I felt completely unqualified to give advice. I worried that I could say something as basic as, “Change your baby’s diaper when it’s dirty,” and the person I was speaking to would think, “Yeah, that sounds good, but her baby died, so …”
I started to keep my mouth shut. I never wanted to offer up anything I’d learned from my time with Madeline because I didn’t want to invite scrutiny. I was already turning over every decision I’d ever made in my mind, regretting letting her eat that apple slice off the floor. I couldn’t bear the thought of other people thinking the same things…what if they were right?
I’m trying to get out of my head, but I’m not doing the best job. If someone directly asks me for advice now, I’ll give it, but I will then worry for days that something bad will happen as a result of my suggestions. Or maybe nothing will happen, and I’ll finally have to admit that everything is random and entirely out of my control. That should be comforting, except it’s not. It means there’s nothing I can do to keep it from happening again.
I know it’s irrational. I haven’t really felt rational in three years.
Ginny says:
Heather,
I can honestly say that I would take your parenting advice any day of the week. Maybe that doesn’t mean much coming from a lady in Roanoke, V.A. who has never laid eyes on you; however, you show the world what kind of parent you are every day on this blog. My niece moved in with me 13 months ago and sadly, she did not come with a manual, so while I don’t have kids I have had a crash course in the challenges of parenting in the last year. I think you and Mike do an amazing job, and both Maddie and Annie are beautiful reflections of that.
mccgoods says:
Thinking of you I think you and Mike rock as parents.
I am so lucky to have found your blog even though I don't have any children you have helped me more then you know. Although I hate saying that because it sounds mean but it's not meant that way.
Jenn says:
OOHH Sweetheart! Your post made me so sad. NEVER, EVER in my WILDEST Dreams would I EVER think you were responsible for what happened to Maddie or that ANYTHING advice you would give me or others, would cause any of my children harm. If anyone does feel this way…SHAME ON THEM (although, I can’t imagine ANYONE thinking this).
I think you & Mike are doing a beautiful job with Annie. Friends of mine lost their daughter, the result of that is they have a VERY hard time allowing their son to do ANYTHING. I’m so impressed you and Mike encourage Annie to be so independent. That’s awesome!!! I love how you’re both nuturing Annie & are giving her wings so one day she will grow up to be able to FLY!!!! Not every parent does this Heather….be proud of you!!! PLEASE BE PROUD OF YOU!!!!
Please Heather, NEVER think your opinion isn’t valued, wanted and is ANYTHING but CHERISHED. You are an excellent mom who is fun, creative, smart, witty and who loves her girl with every bit of her being. By the way….that is what I see when I look at you and/or read your blog!!!
Annie & Maddie are so lucky to call you “Mama”…just as I am to call you “Friend”!!
Annalisa says:
I don’t think (or at least I hope) that she is saying anyone is saying that. Rather, she tells that to herself.
My understanding is that rationally, Heather knows all of the above, but emotionally, it’s a different story. Bridging the rational to the irrational, especially when trying to make sense of something as life changing as surviving the loss of a child, can be pretty tough.
In theory, it sounds easy. In practice, I’m gathering, not so much.
Heather says:
I feel like a heel now, for offering up that article yesterday re: strangers. It wasn’t a comment on your parenting skills. I was (understandably) terrified of my kids talking to strangers or worse, their biological father snapping them up and running away with them… or worse. It took a long time for me to realize that my fear could be projected on to them, even if I was careful not to show them how scared I was.
I also hesitate to give out advice, but for a different reason. I stayed with my abusive ex-husband until my oldest was 3… foolish on my part. And I had the same feelings of trepidation when dishing out any parenting advice in the first few years after I let. I felt like I was judged for staying so long and like that made any advice I had, completely useless. My reasons for not leaving were my own and I hope one day I’ll be able to feel secure about myself again.
I think anyone who cares about your family, or has half of a brain or understands what you guys have already been through wouldn’t think twice about taking your advice. Annie didn’t die because she ate a piece of apple slice that hit the floor for a few seconds. You have a lot to offer other parents, I wish it was easier for you to see that.
You seem like a good person, I’m sure Maddie and Annie are both lucky to have you two as parents.
Jenny says:
I’ve never once thought that you or Mike were the cause of Maddie’s death. On the contrary, I think you did everything possible to save her life (many times). My son’s friend passed away almost 4 years ago when they were 4. The random is really, truly scary. If love was all it took, she would also still be here. I wish I had a better response for you.
I think that y’all are terrific parents with all 3 of your kids (hello, Rigby!). Annie and Maddie were lucky to get you.
Katie says:
I was shocked to read this quite honestly and then felt saddened. You Heather are a wonderful, warm, caring and empatic person and this is what counts. I understand your fears yet I am here to say they are unecessary. I hope there will come a day when you can let go of (at least some) fo these fears and anguishes. Take care of yourself and take comfort in the knowledge that we are rooting for you all the way!
Shannon says:
I agree with the others that it would never have even crossed my mind to doubt your parenting advice because of what happened to Maddie. That was completely out of your control. Thinking of you always.
C says:
The sparkle in Miss Maddie’s eyes are all I need to be convinced you are an amazing parent and raised her exactly as you should have. That little girl won the lottery with you and Mike.
Editdebs says:
I think the one thing I wasn’t prepared for when I became a mother was the black cloud of fear that follows me–the fear that something could happen to my child. Learning to balance my fear and my desire to have my son be independent and happy is hard; I can’t imagine how I could balance those if one of my children had died. All that to say, I think you and Mike are amazing. It’s clear Annabel is happy and so well loved and taken care of in every way–as was sweet Maddie. Take your parenting advice? You betcha!
katie says:
You are an inspiring woman, and I would definitely take your parenting advice. You have already taught me so much.
TamaraL says:
You don’t have to be rational…you just have to be…you. Why do you think so many people read your blog? Aside from your crazy stories, we DO want your advice. But it’s still ok to not think rationally. If I had been through what you had, I wouldn’t be rational either! Your girls are blessed to have you and Mike for parents…
Adrianne says:
I’ve never thought about what that might be like for you and I’m sad to read that you would feel that way. I actually JUST had a thought the other day similar to this: “Daughter eats food off the floor? So does mine, and she hasn’t died from it!”
More along the lines of “phew, we’ve managed to keep her alive for 7 months!” because I was thinking of all of the horrible things that can happen. Yeah, I worry about everything.
Anyway. As soon as I had the thought, I actually thought of you and how horribly insensitive that might sound to someone who had lost a child, completely out of their control. As if you hadn’t done absolutely everything to keep your baby safe and healthy. Any logical person knows that and would never doubt your parenting advice. Please know that.
And thank you for always sharing your perspective. It definitely makes me stop to think about how the seemingly innocent things that I think and say can be misunderstood and hurtful.
ColleenMN says:
After I read today’s entry, I was surprised you would even think that. That thought never entered my mind. You are as qualified as anyone else to give advice. If someone yells at a child, can they give advice? If someone forgot to belt a child in the car, can they? If someone fails at marriage, can they give advice to newlyweds? If you have ever failed a test, can you ever offer homework help to anyone? If your parents died when you were a child, can you offer advice to a friend on parental issues? If you lose a dog, can you offer tips to a neighbor with a new pup? The answer to all of these is, of course! Take yourself out of that private club you put yourself in, you are just as fabulous and just as flawed as anyone giving advice. Sometimes it will be great, and sometimes it will suck, but you ARE qualified because you are a great parent, doing the very best you can, loving Annie with all of your heart. THAT makes you qualified.
Courtney says:
What happened to your family was not rational, so it makes perfect sense that you would have irrational thoughts like these.
But Heather, I would take parenting advice from you in a heartbeat. In fact, I’m certain that a large part of the reason you have such a large readership, so many people who adore you, is because we admire you as a parent. I can’t count all the times I’ve read something you did with Maddie or Annie and thought “I should do that with my daughter.” You’re amazing. You are SO qualified.
Steph says:
I’m so sorry you have those feelings. I truly admire your parenting skills. I remember reading one post you had a cute pic of Annie throwing a tantrum because you wouldn’t buy her everything she wanted. I thought good for you all. I sometimes have a hard time saying no and it seems like it would be much harder to say “no” in your circumstances. Parenting is hard work!
all this to say you and Mike are great parents for your girls.
Dulce says:
Here’s the thing: I have never met you or Mike but contantly find myself thinking of you both as friends. I would take your advise any day because I have learned so much from you already. Things like taking time to breathe in the smell of my little one. Taking pictures of them at play, at rest, at their best and worst. What it means to hold each other up. How to journal and/or express my feelings about being a mom.
I would take your advise, not because your child died but because you know how to celebrate her life. Not just after the fact, but while it’s happening.
Linn says:
Sadly some of the worst things are totally random and there is nothing we can do to prevent them. But many things are not and that’s where caring and knowledge and good mothering make a difference. You have been a wise and wonderful mother, every day, to both girls and you are more than qualified to give advice. No one could ever think you weren’t.
Neeroc says:
Heather I really can’t imagine anyone more loving and I know that hearing this from a random stranger isn’t going to ‘fix’ your thinking, but I’m compelled to tell you that it’s not your fault.
And, you may not actively be sharing your parenting advice, but through your stories and posts you are passively sharing it and you should never stop.
Nancy at Spinning My Plates says:
First of all, Maddie’s death was no one’s fault. Its defiance of explanation brings no comfort to you, I realize. As such, your opinions and perspectives are even more valuable, because you, of all people, understand the precious and precarious thing that is life. Denying yourself the power of your authority and experience as a parent is denying others the gift of your wisdom.
Kristin says:
I can assure you that there are far less qualified people out there doling out advise on parenting (ie those who don’t have children).
Like other commenters, there is already so much I have learned from you and my children are older than yours. I’ve already been thru all those stages, yet I’m still learning about compassion and not taking the little things for granted.
You have every right to feel how you do. I just hope that after this post you know that there are so many people here that really trust and admire your parenting skillz.
Rebecca says:
I’m pretty sure if someone treated you badly because Maddie passed away….that person is already dead inside.
I feel your advice is even more valuable because you’ve been down that spiral and found your way back up. You are a wonderful parent and a very special blogger because you put yourself out there and share Maddie’s story.
Kristen @ The Chronicles of Dutch says:
This makes me so sad. I dont even know you but i think you & mike are fantastic parents. Piggybacking on everyone else, I come here everyday & learn a lot of tips & honestly, it’s good to know I’m not the only one using the 5 (or 10 ) second rule. . We are all trying to do the best we can.
Katrina @ They All Call Me Mom says:
Like other commenters above me, this post also made me sad. You are a great mom and you have wonderful advice and tips to share with others. We all love your blog because it’s fun watching all that you do with Annie, all that you teach her. We ache with you over your loss of Maddie yet marvel at the fact that you can still wake up each day and be such a great mommy to Annie. You are seriously the best role model for a mommy that I know. But I can understand what you are saying in this post. Only because I can relate a little bit. (a little bit, as my situation does not compare to yours) My oldest daughter was severely brain injured in a car accident when she was four years old. Although we had her in a car seat for her size and weight, I still felt as if we could have done “something” to prevent her injury. She is 19 now and when people notice her disabilities and ask what happen, I still get the comments, “Oh, wasn’t she in a car seat?” It makes me SO mad that people assume that. YES, people — I was a good parent and did all that I could to protect her, but STILL something happen. Life can be like that. And it sucks!!!! Ugh. Anyway, for the longest time I didn’t give out parenting advice because something kept telling me that I didn’t have the right to. Like I was somehow off the list of “good parents” or something. But it wasn’t true. It’s not true. I WAS a great mommy. I AM a great mommy. It’s just that something out of my control happen. Out of my control. Out of my control. I still have days when I need to tell myself that.
Christine says:
I think you guys are awesome parents. I can understand why you would be hesitant to give advice but I am sure that you also know that it is completely psychological. Nothing that you did caused Maddie to become sick.
Verdawn says:
Heather,
Thank you for putting into words, exactly what I feel. Reading your blog reminds me that I’m not the only one who feels this way, even though it seems crazy. More than anything, I appreciate your ability to be honest about it.
Jean says:
Oh my Gosh, I totally understand how you feel about this. I used to love to give advice – not the preachy, you’re doing it wrong type, but the don’t worry, it will be fine kind.
And then my child was diagnosed with autism. Not the Temple Grandin kind, but the doesn’t talk, has to be in the psych hospital sometimes kind. And whenever I speak up to comment when parents are chatting about their kids, I don’t know if it’s my imagination or not, but I feel like they are thinking “yeah, well we don’t want what you ended up getting”. In fact, my brother in law came up to me and my husband after the delivery of his son and asked us about what vaccines our son got and said “because, obviously I don’t want the same thing to happen to my son”. (he’s lucky there was security at that hospital because I came close to kicking him in the balls).
Anyway, I am sorry
Carrie says:
I think because of all you’ve been through you would be the perfect parent to give advice. You’ve lived every parents worst nightmare (will forever live it) and I understand your hesitance in doling out advice but you have to know that you did everything any parent could ever be expected to do (and all of us out here in the blogspere recognize that). You often went above and beyond for your daughter. It was not through neglect or abuse that your daughter passed away. She got sick. And there aren’t any good answers – nothing that satisfies for why you or any parent should ever have to endure such a brutal loss.
Are you going to be a perfect parent. No. That’s impossible. But will you be a parent others would be proud to be…well you already are.
I wish that there was some words that I could say to make you feel more confident in your abilities as a parent in light of all the devestation you’ve felt since losing sweet little Maddie, but there will never be any words… all I can offer you is the assurance that any parent completely confidant in their abilites is one whose not doing it right.
Hugs.
Gwen says:
I don’t know you personally but I’ve always admired your parenting. In every single photo I’ve ever seen of Maddie, she was always smiling and laughing. That says volumes about you and Mike. And Annie? Annie is amazing and adventurous, you both manage to let her be free yet not out of control. There should be more parents like the two of you
Wallydraigle says:
I don’t know you, and I probably never will, but from what I see here, you are the kind of parents I would LOVE to be.
I don’t enjoy baby games. I don’t enjoy toddler games. I only enjoy some preschooler games. I love my kids for them, their little personalities and the funny things that they do, but I honestly have to make myself do the stuff they enjoy. Is that horrible or what?
So I come here, and it seems to me like you are the type of people who just thoroughly enjoy Annie and (most of) what she does, and I love it! I makes me want to be a better mom, and it really does help me enjoy the stuff I know I should. I would take your advice any day. Something horrible happened to you and to Maddie; that has nothing to do with your abilities or wisdom.
Katie says:
It’s weird to me, because you’re one of the first people I go to with parenting questions. I think I go to you first because I’ve seen first hand how happy your kids are. It’s clear that you guys are doing something very right. As much as you know it pains me to say this, there are things in life you cannot control, but you do an astounding job of controlling and caring for everything else. And that’s really what makes a good parent.
Sarah says:
I can honestly say that if I had children of my own, I would be listening to your advice before most anybody else. Your experiences have (unfortunately) given you and Mike the gift of wisdom, and the advice that you have to offer carries with it depth and weight. You’ve already taught me so much!
xx
Molly says:
I would take your parenting advice any day of the week! You and Mike seem like the most energetic, fun and loving parents around and I think that is why a lot of us come to your blog
Brooke says:
I feel exactly the same way, except about pregnancy instead of parenting. Irrational or not, I completely understand.
Karen says:
I would take your advise as I would from any other great parent I know – listening carefully to get as much info as possible, then following what my “Mommy-instinct” told me to be the right thing to do. In other words, it would be my choice, and you would be totally off the hook! What happened to Maddie would have no influence on that decision.
The sparkle in your girls eyes is evidence enough that they are both loved, and have great, caring parents. In my opinion, there has never been any reason to doubt that.
Anne says:
Just be YOU. Love your baby girl… just like you do. I raised 4 children and thank GOD they are all alive. I ache for your heartache. I praise your strength and wisdom on writing how you feel. Don’t ever stop that. Know you are a voice that offers so much to so many. Maddie is so lucky to have you both to carry her sweet legacy on. Bless you both!!!!
Charlene Raya says:
You don’t need to be worried about the advice you give. As a RN, I know there was nothing you could have done to prevent what happened to Maddie. Every parent that loses a child, either at birth or later, feels guilty and second guesses all their choices before and after. My daughter has a bassinet when she was born that she wouldn’t sleep in, she cried and cried, so I quit putting her in it. My step-sister had a baby and needed some baby stuff, so I gave her the bassinet. Her baby died in that bassinet. That was the last thing I ever personally gave away. I am still haunted by that event. So, if you have great ideas and advice to give us other parents, don’t hold back, we all need all the help we can get!!!!
Mary says:
It’s funny. I read all sorts of mom blogs and I’ve learned more from you than any other. Cooking recipes, parenting tips, that when I see my son in the morning before running off to work to stop an forget about any of life’s rushes and to just savor the snuggle. But the other thing I have learned are some tips on how to be a friend to those that are scared or mourning. A college friend is having a baby next week who will have serious issues and a lengthy NICU stay. I have learned to let her do this he way but to let her know I am there. I think of you and Maddie everyday and hope that your story will help me help them.
Lanie says:
I think you are an amazing mom and very qualified to give advice. However, I understand completely your hesitation to give advice. I become very quite when my friends are asking for opinions/advice on babies/ kids. I have had 2 sons die and I second guess almost every one of my parenting decisions.