I have been having flashbacks. Horrible ones. My lungs constrict, my head spins, and my heart gets stuck in my throat. They knock me off my feet. If I’m driving, I have to pull over. Sometimes I know they’re coming, but usually they slam into me like a car that ran a red light.
My doctors tell me I have post traumatic stress, which is pretty obvious to everyone – I watched my daughter die. But as day 514 crept up, things just got worse and worse. Not only was I sad, but my flashbacks were fast and furious.
My doctors plead with me to try a different medication, one that would head off my flashbacks and anxiety attacks before they started. I usually resist new medicines at first so I can go home and do research and make a decision. This time, however, I was desperate. I wasn’t sleeping well because flashbacks would come at night. I had to stop sleep training Annabel because having her out of site triggered massive anxiety. So I agreed, and started taking the new drug twice a day.
The flashbacks stopped almost immediately. But so did my desire to do anything. I was plunged into a hideously desperate depression, one that I hadn’t felt since the early days after Maddie passed. I wrote about it last week, but my words only scratched the surface. I felt like I was at the bottom of a deep hole, and it was caving in on top of me.
I did manage to motivate to read up about what I was taking. I called my doctor and spoke with her about how I was feeling, and she adjusted my dosage. I started to feel better within 24 hours.
I’m still not feeling like myself, but I’m getting there. I’m glad I reached out to my doctor instead of waiting. I know there’s always an adjustment period when you start a new medication but I shudder to think how much lower I could have fallen if I’d waited until my next appointment.
I want to feel better for her.
I need to.
Kristine says:
You’re such a good mommy.
debi says:
I want so badly to say something that will help you in some small way. But how could any words help with what you have been through? I believe in you Heather and the fact that you will eventually begin to heal even just a bit. For that little sweety pie. You two are such loving and fun parents. Your daughter is blessed to have you. Um, I have tried so hard to say the right things and have started this silly comment over and over hoping to get it right. All I really want to say is God Bless you and I care about you like so many others do.
Shelly says:
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and never commented but I just wanted to tell you how brave I think you are. While I’ve never had to face a loss like your family, I struggle with anxiety and different types of mental illness every day and I relate to the frusturation of trying to hit on the right combo of meds. And I tend to be like you and like to do a lot of research first before agreeing to try a new med, I think I’m a bit of a hypochondriac! And as much as I know the doctors are knowledgable in their field, I feel like I know my body best & I have a hard time trusting them. Thank you for being brave enough to share your struggles with this important issue, and I think it’s wonderful that you listened to your body. Sometimes we feel that we should just shut up & listen to the doctors but you’re proof that you have to listen to your body first and foremost. I wish you so much luck down this horrible road of anxiety and depression and I know that you have an amazing support system to help, which I know makes all the difference.
Kim says:
You are amazing…..hold on tight. XOXO
Tori says:
Hang in there, you will feel better soon.
Thinking of you and praying for your precious family.
Elle says:
I know I can’t say anything to take the pain away. Just know that last year around this time I stumbled onto your blog. Reading about Maddie and the rest of your family changed me for the better.
I had my daughter last year and I try not to take advantage of her or the time we have together. I live in the now and it’s because of your beautiful Maddie.
Seeing Annie’s precious face makes my heart melt. Not only that, my hubby and I can’t get enough of sweet Annabel’s videos!
dysfunctional mom says:
I’m glad you talked to your doctor, and glad it’s helping already. I hope it continues to get better. xoxo
cj says:
thinking of you and praying for strength.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Keeping you in my thoughts…
J in Eire says:
I just wanted you to know that I am here reading your words, holding you, Mike and all your family in my heart everyday. I am half a world away in Ireland wishing there was something – anything – I could do to help you. Beautiful beautiful Maddie is so loved and so precious the trauma of her passing and loss can only burn with the same intensity of her life. I miss your baby for you. Love and hugs. xx
Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
I’m so glad you could reach out for help, and that your doctors are onto it. Holding you and your family in my heart, as ever.
Carrie P. says:
I used to get flashbacks after watching my Mother pass. It would hit me like a brick wall at random times throughout the days & weeks, & I couldn’t shut my mind off. Nighttime was the worst. I didn’t seek help for my depression right away, so it was pretty bad for me for several years. I’m sorry the new meds made you feel so bad, but I’m glad the dr. adjusted the dosage so you’re feeling better. Annabel is lucky to have you as her mommy. I truly admire your strength & courage, Heather.
Lisa says:
I am so proud of you for taking that step and taking med’s and even more proud that you called the doctor and was able to get an adjustment. Things will start to get better day by day as the med’s even out.
Carrie P. says:
Btw, I’m lovin’ Annabel’s little teeth! Can’t wait for my little guy to start sprouting some teeth, too!
Catherine says:
Be well, you are cared for, you are loved…you will get past this. Love that Annie!
Sue says:
Thinking of you, Heather, and wishing that, somehow magically, the tens of thousands of us could be there with you all the time to help you over each and every hurdle, and ease your pain. You, Mike, Annie, and Rigby are loved so very much,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Sue says:
P.S. You know how much we all love, beyond words, that sweet and precious Maddie, too,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Jennifer says:
I’m so sorry for everything you are going through and very glad you had the energy to talk to your doctor.
For what it’s worth, on those days when you worry about feeling so bad in front of Annabel: I had hideous post partum depression after the Boychen was born. Bad enough that I actually considered if I needed to be hospitalized. I cried and moped around and lost my temper and cried and didn’t shower for the first nine months of that boy’s life and yet he is, and has always been, the happiest shiniest child. He sparkles. Just being around him makes people smile. I know how horrible it can be to be depressed around your child, and how it can make you feel guilty (which is the last thing a depressed mom needs is an added does of guilt) and it is something to consider and keep an eye on and think about of course, but it’s also quite possible that it doesn’t stick to them the way we fear it might. For what it’s worth.
Jenny says:
I am so sorry that an impossible situation is made even harder. I am glad to hear that you are working with your doctors to straighten out the chemical imbalances. Best wishes.
You captioned another picture yesterday with a Spohr head comment. This one takes my vote. She is a beauty. She looks so sweet and loving. She is the best medicine for a wounded soul.
Marsha says:
I am so sad that you have to feel all of these feelings. As a parent, just the THOUGHT of having to go through what you have been through is enough to knock the wind out of me and bring me to my knees. You are doing an amazing job of taking care of Annie and finding the help you need. I am praying for you and hoping you are feeling better.
P.s. Annie is a flippin’ supermodel!!!!!
edenland says:
I love you.
Heather says:
I wish I had known enough to talk to my doctor after I lost my daughter… They simply don’t offer the same type of service from the doc when you have a pregnancy loss, no matter how far along.
Flashbacks themselves can be debilitating… I had them after leaving my (very bad, very abusive) relationship. I’d be fine, running on the treadmill and then *bang* in a heap, sobbing on the floor. I found they were the worst when I did anything that increased my heart rate.
Keep fighting, but not just for Annie or M. You’re worth fighting for too.
Alexandra :) says:
I’m so sorry, Heather. Hope you feel better soon.
xoxo Alexandra
Fagan says:
much love momma.
you can do this.
Michelle says:
Your honesty and strength are inspiring Heather. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
Mary Ann says:
Sending hugs your way. You have accomplished so much in the past “514 Days”, you are such an inspiration. I read your blog in awe of your strength and determination. Annie always looks so happy and loved, you are a great Mom. I hope you continue on the upswing, you deserve nothing but happiness after all you’ve been through.
danielle says:
Just wanted to ditto everything said above in all the post…you are a great mom and you are taking care of yourself even if you dont realize it…by talking to the dr right away that is caring for yourself..when depression kicks up that high..even getting out of bed is taking care of yourself…slowly those small (but big) things will start adding up…sending prayer and hugs your way!
Elizabeth says:
Thinking and praying for you….wish there was more I could say or do
pamela says:
You can do it, Heather.
Keep holding on.
Love and hugs.
Rachel says:
I am glad you are feeling a little better. You are a strong woman and a great mother. You are doing a great job with Annie during your grief even though it isn’t easy.
I don’t comment often, but I do think of you daily.
Jen says:
Just do your best…that’s all anyone can ask as you navigate your way through this process. Annie loves you so much and it’s obvious that you love her. We’re praying for you.
((((Hugs)))) from here.
red pen mama says:
I’m glad you talked to your doctor right away — and I’m glad you’re talking about this here. It’s past time to drag anxiety, depression, and medication out of the darkness. And most importantly: I’m glad you’re feeling better. I’ll bet Annabel is too.
Lisa says:
Love you.
I’ve got nothing today, no words, just lots of love and hugs.
Nikki says:
Love you, Heather. Hang in there.
XOXO from GA,
Nikki
Barnmaven says:
I am often amazed that you manage to post every day, even when you are flattened with grief, pain, anger, frustration. There is an essential part of you that is optimistic, loving, wise, caring – and no matter what else you write, that comes through in your posts. I see you get up and keep moving every single day. Not complaining, sharing your thoughts and in so many ways blessing other people with your grace and humor, your honesty, your thoughts.
You, Mike, Maddie and Annabel are always in my prayers.
Tammy says:
Heather,
I hope some day you can look back at these painful posts and realize how amazing you are and how many people you help just by being your open self. I have never met you and I absolutely adore you.
You are an amazing mom – to both your girls.
Tammy
Julia says:
You are such a STRONG, AMAZING, and WONDERFUL woman and MOTHER!!!
Lora says:
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I am so glad you sought out your doctor for help, and then called when things weren’t right. Annabel is a lucky girl to have such a strong, amazing Mom.
Wendy says:
You are doing the best you can – and that’s all that matters! There are many thinking and praying for you~
amanda says:
You are such an amazing mom. I am so glad you got your dose adjusted and that you are feeling better – we all love you!! xo
Skye says:
Thank you for writing honestly about depression and post traumatic stress. It helps people realize that these problems are not shameful, and there is help available. I am glad you were able to change your dosage and I really really hope you are feeling better and more like yourself soon! Hang in there. We all love and care about you and your family.
maggie says:
My heart breaks for you. I was putting my little girl to bed last night and she snuggled up to me (which she doesn’t do too often), but as i held her and rocked her, i thought of you and Maddie. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you are going through, just know that there are thousands, probably millions of people loving you and praying for you and your family.
Lisa says:
I’m so glad you got help instead of waiting. The mind can play horrible, cruel tricks on you. After my daughter died, I used to be afraid to go in my sons room in the morning to wake him up for school. I was convinced that I would find one or both of them dead from SIDS. My daughter didn’t die from SIDS and my sons were 8 and 10 at the time. I thought I was alone in this and that no doctor would understand. I waited 7 long YEARS before I sought help. Losing a child is something you will never get over, but you get through it. It’s been 15 years, 4 months and 1 day. I don’t know where I would be today if it wasn’t for family, friends, and some good meds.
Ms. Moon says:
I think many of us seek out medication when we realize that we need to be there more fully and sanely for our families.
You made the right decision.
Jen says:
Just when I think I know how amazing you really are…
Love you to the littlest bits and pieces.
Melissa says:
So glad you got that and called the doc. So many others wouldnt have. Huge step. Glad you are feeling better.
Katie in WI says:
So proud of you, Heather. For fighting. For reaching out. For wanting to get better. For sharing. I think you really help people.
Cheering you on, as I do everyday.
Adrianne says:
I’m so glad you got help when you did, and I hope the meds do their job quickly. I’m also just really, really glad that you have Annie to propel you forward when the days, hours, minutes seem too much to bear. Much love to the Spohr family today and everyday.
cindy w says:
I don’t know what to say, I’m just so sorry that you’re having such a hard time. Take care of yourself, lady. xoxo
MS says:
That topic-how hard it is to reach out for medical help while in a massive depressive episode-is an ongoing arguement we have with my sister. She is still on the “stick it out until my next appointment, move, etc.” So very proud of you for asking for help, and follow up help, when you did. Not many understand the enormous struggle it is to do that while depressed. Its not just picking up the phone. Its so much more, so much harder than that. My family and I know that and I’m so glad you were able to. Here’s to feeling better a little at a time.
Lisa_in_WI says:
It’s good that you’re being proactive and taking care of yourself. I hope this new medication dose helps you!
pillarr1 says:
Hi Heather, it has been a while since I have left a comment. I am so glad the medication is helping you. I still struggle to understand why we as human beings can feel so awful sometimes. When I was struggling with infertility for years, miscarriages, loss of children, several ivf cycles I was in hell. All I thought is that if I can have a child who is healthy that I would be OK. Now I have a 2 1/2 year old and I feel more overwhelmed than ever. I even get depressed. Now I am on Lexapro. I don’t know if it even helps. Everyday, I count my blessings – I have an awesome husband, I am a SAHM, my daughter is healthy and beautiful, we live comfortably, and we are near some family who we are very close to. So what is it? Is that not enough for me? Yes, it is – it is all I ever wanted. I just think if we keep working at feeling good and being grateful for what we have, we will be OK. And, don’t forget, raising a baby under 2 years old is NOT easy. I cannot emphasize that enough. I found my life much easier now that Rachel can feed herself, play in her room, and walk through the mall with me. And, I am not constantly changing diapers but we are still in potty training mode. I guess what I am trying to say is that with time it will get easier. Your life will feel more organized and comfortable as time goes on. I hope this made sense!
Ellie says:
Heather,
I have been reading your blog for some time now, without ever saying anything. Infact, the first entry I read was the one where you were in Target with Madeline, and the rude employee poked your side and basically called you fat ( wat a jerk, by the way) and I’ve read it daily ever since. I’ve laughed and cried and sometimes I just didnt know how to react. I couldnt imagine what it would be like to lose a child.
6 weeks ago, i also lost my daughter. And sometimes the only sense of calm I feel in a day is reading this blog. Sometimes your entries still make me laugh, and other times, when your brutally honest about the pain your going through, I just dont feel as alone in the grief as I feel on a daily basis.
So thank you. Thank you for sharing your story, and your feelings. Because there are people reading that are walking the path of grief too, and knowing that these emotions arent crazy , and that the outbursts and anger and depression and lack of control over these emotions at time, is just what people who have suffered a loss, do.
I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but unfortunatley, I kow there isnt. Your family is always in my thoughts, and I wish you all the very best.
Veronika says:
I am so glad that you’re feeling better and that you had the courage to speak up when you were so down. Annie is so gorgeous and I’m loving the new toofers. I hope you can find a good rythm with the new meds. {{ hugs }}
Aidan says:
I’m so sorry.
You’ll feel better soon and get the dosages right…all that stuff is very tricky.
One day you’re going to feel better.
Deborah says:
I’m so thankful that you reached out to your doctor and that you have a doctor who is willing to work with you, trying out new medications and adjusting them when they aren’t working. I think about you and Maddie, Annie, and Mike every day, and I hate to see how you suffer. I hope you can find some moments of peace today.
(((hugs)))
Nanette says:
So glad you’re feeling better, mama. Thinking of you guys always.
Lisa says:
Heather, you are struggling to live life after the most terrible thing a human being can go through. Cut yourself complete slack. You are amazing for making yourself call your doctor to report your depression – that can be the hardest part of all. Don’t even think about sleep training! Annie will be just fine! You can deal with that much later if and when you feel up to it. You are a wonderful mom; you want to be present for Annie, and that is helping you try to seek help for yourself. You have such courage and strength in you to do those things, even though it must feel to you like you have absolutely none of either. I am thinking of you.
Ania says:
Keep fighting, Heather! I am in awe of your strength, even when you are at your lowest. I wish I could do more than just write a note, but I’m thinking of you, and hoping you will get some reprieve soon. Hugs.
Laney says:
Oh, I am pulling for you from my little corner of the world. I wish we could all grab proverbial shovels and help you dig out.
You are an incredible mom; your strength, bravery and willingness to do anything for your girls is a continual source of inspiration.
I, too, hope you find some reprieve very soon.
Kristin says:
You’re going to make it Heather. Stay strong and never fail to reach out.
Susan says:
Thank you Heather for sharing your story with us. Because of you I think I am going to finally seek help. My story is not even close to your story. My son was in the hospital for 515 days then came home very fragile with 16 hours of nursing care. Those first 5 years were horrible. I can’t count how many times he was given his last rites as I stood there and watch as the nurses and doctors worked on him as he was fighting for his life. My son is alive. He has a lot of damage but he is alive. I don’t understand why mine and not yours? I too have flash backs all the time and they come from nowhere. I am pretty hard on myself because it could be worse I could have lost my son. I am the lucky one but yet this isn’t the life I thought I would have. I dismiss my feelings because I could be you or any other mother that is living without a child they loved. I now think I am suffering from post traumatic stress. You described those feeling and I know exactly what you are saying. Again thank you for sharing. I hold your whole family close to my heart.
Michelle H says:
I’m so sorry you are going through this. And so amazed at your continued strength to reach out for the help you need. You write about it so eloquently and your words help so many. More proof that Maddie continues to shine from above.
Rebecca says:
You are strong. You are amazing. And you WILL move mountains. My guess is you’ve already moved mountains for many MANY of your blog followers. ((HUGS))
Elizabeth says:
Glad your feeling better. Your in my thoughts!
AmazingGreis says:
Thinking about you always! Hope you are back to your old self, 100%, soon!
P.S. OMG, those teeth!! She is so cute! XOXO
Kelly says:
When you are digging out, sometimes it feels like you are using a tablespoon, even if you are really using a backhoe. So glad you were able to get things changed around pretty quickly, and that you have quick responding doctors.
LaurieSL says:
You are a strong and beautiful woman, Heather. I look at you in awe for how strong you are and how much stronger you want to be for your baby girl. Prayers and thoughts to you today.
Katie says:
Girl, I am praying for you. I have never lost a child like you have, but I did lose a baby to miscarriage last year. I know that is different in a lot of ways, but it was pretty traumatic. I was about 3 months along and passed the baby at home… and ended up having to be hospitalized for a D&C. I was incredibly traumatized both physically and emotionally. It took getting a good medication alteration with my psych in order to come back around. I do agree that researching medications is a good idea, though. Back after I got married (well before the miscarriage), I had a nervous breakdown and needed to be put on anti-anxiety meds. I was amazed at how Klonopin got rid of the constant anxiety I was feeling, but then was appalled at the side effects. Definitely trust your doctor, but make sure to stay on top of any crazy side effects. I got off that Klonopin as fast as I could (which took about 2 months to wean off) but finally felt so much better. I now just take a low dose Zoloft. I have been medicated for anxiety and OCD all together for well over 13 years. I realize that no matter what the issue – whether anxiety, depression, OCD, and even PTSD – you have to just trust in yourself and your doctor and not be hard on yourself.
What you experienced was far more intense than anything I have ever been through, but you CAN get through this. You CAN and WILL get better. It has really only been a year and a half since Maddy’s passing — it will take time to heal.
Sending love and hugs and kisses! Maddy and Annabel love you so much, and so do we all!
buffi says:
I call that hole “the swirling vortex of despair” because once I fall in it feels like it’s just going to keep sucking me farther and farther down. I’m glad you’re finding your way out. I have my three kiddos that make me force myself to come out. And finding the right balance of meds makes all the difference in the world.
You are an amazing mom and you are an inspiration to me every day. Just keep swimmin!
Erica says:
I know you can…I know you can….I know you can…! There is always someone you can reach out to. Never delay or second guess it, they (we) are all here to help on a moments notice.
Look at those TEETH!!!
Hugs to all!
Jen says:
You might want to check out a blog called Tales of a Monkey, a Bit, and a Bean (http://hannahandlily.blogspot.com/). The author’s oldest daughter drowned 3 years ago. Every day she looks for “sparklies” to help her through her bad days.
Marti from Michigan says:
Dear Sweet Heather – you and Mike are the best parents on earth. You have your own special angel watching over you, and that is very lucky indeed! I think what you’ve been experiencing are called panic attacks – I have them too. Lots of people have them. I have no health insurance, and am at the mercy of a free clinic I go to. They don’t prescribe what they call “psychotropic” drugs at all, probably to cover their butts.
It’s okay. I deal with them with meditation, prayer and chamomile tea! It does help.
I would not call myself religious, but I have been and continue to pray for the entire Spohr family, including Mike’s family and your family, Heather. I will continue. MEGA HUGS from Michigan.
Tami says:
My heart breaks for you.:( I know how you feel with the anxiety and depression. I battle with it and I just hate it. I feel like it controls my whole life in such a bad way. I cant take medicine so I feel like its always winning.
My thoughts and prayers are with you!!
Kirsten says:
I wish I could offer you a hug, or even bring you something yummy to eat… I wish I could help you feel better somehow.
I’m really glad you spoke to your doctor and got the dosage adjusted. I hope you’re able to get through this as best you can.
You’re allowed to fall apart though. Even though you have Annie, you’re allowed to not be strong, just once in a while. You’ve been amazing for your entire family. You’ve been an inspiration for me. You’ve helped me through the most painful few months of my life. I don’t know how I would’ve coped with the grief I felt at my father’s death without this blog.
I can’t hug you, or send you anything tasty. But I can send you energy. Happy, positive energy and the hope for a better tomorrow.
Take care Heather. We love you.
Holly Hamann says:
Heather – I can’t even being to imagine what that feels like. I’m so glad Annabel is an inspiration for you to work through all the pain. And thank you for all the other things you do to be a support to other women and families who have gone through something similar. It is so admirable and courageous and I know it is a HUGE help for them. Thank you!
Holly
sara says:
i had post traumatic stress. had/have, i dont’ really know if i can say it ever realy goes away or that you just learn how to handle it and live with it. every situation is different and truly, only you can know the pain you feel. i can’t imagine how much you hurt after losing maddie, and i wish everyday that there was something that would bring her back and take away that pain.
i wish there was a magical answer. i have no real advice or words of wisdom except that you do what you have to do to get through it. never apologize for your sadness or anger. never feel bad for your grief. and know that there are wonderful people who love you, including your beautiful annabel, and blogosphere of people you have never met but want more than anything for you to feel peace and happiness in your life.
hugs.
Connie says:
Hang in there sweetie, that is all you can do. Smile at something each day, kiss those chubby cheeks, and remember that there is always light somewhere, even if it is just a flicker. We are all rooting for you, thinking about you, and are here.
Many hugs Mama!
Trisha Vargas says:
Sending lots of love and hugs your way.
MelissaG says:
I’m so thankful that you have people in your life to help you through this….I hope the new medication is good and you feel like yourself soon.
Miriam says:
Heather,
My heart hurts for you. I’m so glad you are taking proactive steps to manage your anxiety and depression. And, while maybe you don’t always feel it, it’s been great to see your sense of humor in many of your posts.
Sending hugs, well wishes and virtual chocolate (the kind that doesn’t have any calories) your way…
JJ says:
I’m so sad, and I don’t even know you. But so many of us with daughters (children) ache for you, ache to not go through what you’ve been through, ache to make the pain disappear, even as it never will. You’re honesty and openess really helps me appreciate my children in ways I’ve never realized. I can’t imagine your pain, but I hope that Annie is the sunshine that helps you to keep moving forward.
Sarah says:
I had calculated the “514” date several months ago, and hoped the concept of that date hadn’t occurred to you. However, shortly before the date, I realized that there was no question that it had occurred to you. Somehow, it seemed to me to be a harder date than Maddie’s birthday, or even the anniversary of her passing. The reason why it seemed to me to be such a hard date is that it implies the inexorable passage of time and the unspoken urgings of people to “get on with it.”
But, the reason I mention the above is not to make you feel worse, but to remind you that there are 0ther weirdos like me out there who probably also calculated the date, not because they think you should “move on,” or anything so patently ridiculous as that, but because they (WE!) are thinking about Maddie. Regularly. And we are thinking about you. I’ve met you once, but I don’t “know” you, and I never knew Maddie. But the same is true of so many of us who read you here, and who are nevertheless regularly flattened by the unfairness of Maddie’s loss.
I am rambling, but my point is that you should not see 514 as any sort of signal that people will forget. We will not. We think about you and Maddie all the time. Although we don’t know you, we love you. Maddie has become an international celebrity and will always be loved.
Molly says:
Heather you are in my thoughts.
Kendra Webster says:
Hi Heather. Oh how I know this feeling. I have been drawn to your blog for sometime now. Since right after Maddie passed. At the time I cried for you. I thought I couldnt imagine that life. Last year I had a little girl. A few months later she passed away. I have now been reading your blog crying with you. Being on this side is unlike anything. You write it perfect. I have read many other blogs of families that have lost children but never have found one like yours. I feel so close to you because you dont try to make it okay. You dont make excused. You dont hide your hurt. Your pain. I read that on so many other blogs and never know what to do. I feel worse about myself before I so dont feel like that. Im so angry. I hurt everyday and I have yet to find the good. I want my daughter. Im writing not to make you feel worse- just to say thank you for being you. For being honest. For sharing. Because You are helping me. Feel… Normal. In this totally un-normal life. I am in a hole. A deep hole and I wish I could get out. I dont have any other children. But for my husband. Those dumb dates. That dumb reality of time. The reality that time is still moving. THAT day. The day she was gone longer than I held her was evil. I hate that thought. Know im thinking of you. Of Maddie.
Im so sorry. I wish I knew what to say. Even being in this place I dont know. Im just sorry.
Chrissy says:
…And you will. Sending love and healing energy your way.
nona says:
Hi, Heather,
I’m another stranger, thinking about you.
I wonder, have you ever thought of seeking out/forming a group of parents who have gone through loss? I know group situations don’t work out for everybody, but I envision parents in various stages of grief, sharing their experiences, not feeling so alone, and perhaps giving hope, support, and encouragement to other parents.
In any event, I hope the days eventually become easier for you, but I don’t begrudge you any length of mourning time.
J from Ireland says:
Oh honey I am so sorry, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I think you are amazing and you are being such an amazing person. Thank you or sharing. Best wishes.
Sarah says:
You’ll get there Heather.
You are surrounded by so much love.
ally says:
I had a miscarriage and had post-tramatic stress disorder. I CAN NOT IMAGINE what you are going through, still, after all this time. It’s truly heart breaking to read your story. I just can’t imagine. You’re a brave woman.
Paula says:
You’re in my thoughts Heather. (((hugs)))
Rachael says:
I’m so sorry you’re stuck in this place of pain and torn between that and the joy you so obviously have in Annie. I wish there was something I could do to help. (Hugs)
Damaris says:
I hope you find the peace you’re looking for very very soon.
Nicole says:
I wish there was something I could do or say that could ease your pain. I am sorry that you are having to go through this, but just know that you are strong and an amazing mommy to both Maddie and Annabel. Sending you lots of prayers and hugs. Hang in there!
Nicole says:
I have been reading your blog every day for the past 6 months or so and have never posted a comment before, but I just wanted you to know that I think about you, Mike, and Annie every day. You are an amazing mommy. Hang in there Heather. You are surrounded by so much love.
eva says:
from another country (canada) i bring you lots of hugs
my heart just hurts and i can’t even imagine how hurt your heart must be
but know that us fellow bloggers are all here for you
and both your sweet girls love you like no tomorrow..
Kristin says:
that little beautiful Annabel, she has no idea the power she holds. She was sent to you for a reason. I don’t know how or WHY these things happen, but if life has a purpose, then she was sent by Maddie to bring joy and to lift you up. Thanks for sharing. You’ve touched so many people by sharing.
Jess says:
I’ve been on medication for anxiety/depression for 8 years. I’ve had to change medications a few times in those years. I don’t tell many people about my depression b/c of the stigma that’s still attached to people who have depression. People look at me like I’m crazy, or start treating me differently.
I won’t say I understand what you’re going through because I don’t know. I’ve never lost a child. I’ve never had a child. My parents have lost a child, my older brother, and recently, a friend of mine lost her child. But everyone goes through loss differently. Your Maddie touched the world Heather. I never knew her in “real” life, just through your blog. I learned more about premature babies, their struggles, and everything just in the time I’ve read your blog. Learning about Maddie and the short time I’ve gotten to know her, had her touch my life, has made me a better person. I can’t even begin to know what it would be like to be her mom, her grandma, her aunt, her cousin, to have had her IN my life, to have had my life touched by her.
I know what you are feeling when you describe what you are going through medication wise, I’ve been there. What I can tell you from my experience, is that it does it get better. You do have to change medications, dosages, and unfortunately there is that “wait and see” game for the medication to enter your system and start to work. The best thing you can do, and that you have done, is stay in touch with your doctor, go to your sessions, and do your research.
Most importantly, keep that beautiful little Annabel in your vision, because she has a great purpose here. I believe people come in our lives for a reason. Annie was sent at this time for a reason. Maybe she’s here to be your saving grace. Maybe she’ll be the best president we’ll ever have and bring about world peace. Maybe she’ll find the cure for cancer. Whatever she was brought here for, it’s something great.
As always, thanks for sharing. You continue to inspiring me.
Angela says:
((((Heather))))
Hoping the new meds give you relief. I’m sorry for your continued pain.
Suzie-IA mommy of 3 says:
Your honesty WILL help someone, if not many! This is why so many of us LOVES ya!! Giving you my professional nursing opinion now…you are doing exactly what you should be. Have good contact and openly discussing exactly how you are feeling with your physician will assist them in getting your medications correct for your symptoms. It takes a good solid 2-4 weeks before you will start seeing changes, but whatever you do, when you are feeling ‘better’, please don’t stop taking it! You are the best mama ever and you have won 1/2 the battle with early interventions! (hugs)??
Suzie-a stranger from IA says:
Really ?? I just was trying to make 2 hearts on the darn keyboard. hmmm…computer illiteracy at it’s finest lol
Jenni Williams says:
I think you are most inspiring woman, I have never really met. Your grace and strength are incredible.
Dawn says:
Heather (and Mike),
I’ve posted a few times over the past yearish or so. I am so engaged in your life, and heart-broken by your tragedy. As someone who walks that path of depression and anxiety (and I have never even come close to losing what you have), I understand that fear of falling deeper and deeper down that black hole. Its scary how fast it can spiral, right?
I can only imagine how horrible and awful panic attacks are. Ugh. I hope that reading the comments of all the people who care about you and don’t even know you guys puts a momentary smile on your face. You heal in those tiny moments.
Ashley says:
I do not have a loss in my life that even compares to yours but I do live with generalized anxiety disorder, and needlephobia, both of which have produced heart-stopping, mind-seizing, terrifying panic attacks so I know how it feels to be moving along and then suddenly slammed with anxiety and fear. I also remember what it was like when I was attempting to manage this problem with medication and how incredibly numb and dead I felt while taking Lexapro. Unlike you, I wasn’t smart and became so freaked out that I couldn’t release any of the emotion that was being chemically painted over without being destructive in some way that I stopped taking it cold turkey. I wish I had been more persistent in trying to work with my doctor, but that would not come for many years. Now I’m working with someone.
What I’m trying to say with all that is you are making huge strides towards healing and being better for yourself, Annabel and Mike by talking to your doctors, writing in this blog, and facing this. Keep up with it, and I promise you that you’ll be one step closer towards a solution that fits and gives you what you need/want.
Sending many hugs and good thoughts your way, dear.
Christy says:
Love you H! Thinking about you.
GingerB says:
I’m posting about something similar tomorrow – not as horrific as I got to keep my daughter, but the despression and PTSD from the diagnosis of CP / stroke/ etc. has me reeling and medicated and still completely nuts in many ways, and yet I find so much joy in that girl, and my healthy girl, that I feel like I have two heads and hearts duking it out. This is exhausting! I know I’ll one day pass through the stages of grief and the joy will outweigh my internal cry of “stroke!” but I wish it was now. I can only imagine how this is for you, and I wish I could cry it out with you then take our girls to the park. All our girls. I am so, so proud of your courage and strength.
tiff says:
Heather,
I still get the sweats and the shakes and the shivers whenever the rescue helicopter comes in.
Be kind to yourself. Hope you find balance with your meds.
Strength and peace xx
Gemini-Girl says:
You have been dealing with PTSD since Maddie was born… that’s about 3 years now. That’s a long time. As alone and desperate as you think you are. know that there are so many people who love and adore you and will be there for you- whenever you need. No one can ever make it better. But we can try to make it easier.
Love you always.
Molly says:
Oh, Heather, I’m so sorry things have been so rough lately. I woke up thinking about you at 4 in the morning the other day. You are so brave and strong and such a good mom–don’t ever doubt it. You will find your way out of this hole again.
Jen H says:
Hang in there, love. And do what you need to do to get through the days and the nights. Go easy on yourself.
Michelle W says:
This breaks my heart and everything I start to write seems all so unfitting. I want to tell you it’s understandable but it sounds like I am minimizing it which isn’t what I mean at all. I want to tell you that I can only imagine how you feel, when I know in truth I can’t even imagine it, no matter how well your writing conveys it. I want to tell you that as a Mom I ache so deeply for you and how confusing and complex it must be, here you have this beautiful daughter who you just want to envelope and experience joy with but you are also grieving your precious Maddie. But then I worry you will read that and think I am saying you aren’t as a good of a Mom to Annabelle, but that simply is not the case. I guess I just want you to know I am thinking about you and that I care and hope that my words express that.
Michelle W says:
sorry I am always misspelling Annabel’s name, I realized it almost as soon as I submitted my comment, I hate it when that happens
I know it’s probably irritating, like when people insist on calling my daughter Alexandria when it’s Alexandra, or people who take it upon themselves to shorten it to Alex when we’ve never called her that a day in her life.
Lia says:
So I know everyonee is like ‘blah blah blah, annabelle is soooo cuteeee” BUT REALLLYYY annabelle is like the cutest thing EVER. for reals. that is one adorable happy little person. also thinking of you and i hope you continue to feel better. keep being proactive and communicating with your doctor!
anymommy says:
Just wanted to give you a big cyber hug. I think you’re incredible.
Michele says:
I’m so sorry that this is such a difficult period for you. I want to thank you, though, for being so honest, and in such a public way. Through your blog, you have helped me — and I’m sure lots of others — blog about my own struggles, and that has helped me communicate so much better with a lot of the important people in my life.
Hang in there, Heather, and keep on holding yourself, Mike, Madeline, Annabel and Rigby tight.
Girlplease says:
While not for the same reason, I too have PTSD and I hate it. I too have flashbacks about my son (he’s ok now but 2 life threatening scares makes you never forget) and daily life is becoming a chore. I’m blessed to spend 1 day at home with him from work and I can’t even enjoy it lately. I look at him and I feel shame. I am grateful every day he’s here (in more ways than one) yet I can’t be jumping for joy every second in his presence.
Congrats on the new meds. You are a better person than I and I’ve fought it a long time. But when we can’t enjoy those who are here and make our life worth living, there is something wrong. I hope to get the strength and courage and call the damn doc already.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. My prayers, thoughts ,and good wishes are with you and your family.
amanda says:
I have no doubt that you will get there. And you are so brave to share it with the world this way.