Heather isn’t feeling so well tonight – neither physically nor mentally – so I told her I would write for her.
Expecting a child after what happened to Maddie has been a positive thing as it has given us a future to move toward when we no longer could imagine one. But, as much as this pregnancy has eased our burden, it has also made things harder.
For Heather, it means that, in addition to finding the strength to survive another day without Maddie, she now has to deal with horrid morning sickness and daily injections. Some days she is able to cope. Other days, when her nausea is especially strong, or when life without Maddie seems even more unbearable than usual, the weight of it all can cause the world to fall in on her like a house of cards.
This pregnancy has also placed a lot of added stress on me. The challenge of surviving the events of April is tough enough without throwing a pregnancy on top of it – I can’t tell you how many times I have heard people say “If I lost someone close to me like that I would kill myself.” Heck, even Jillian on “The Biggest Loser” said it last night! Making Heather food, rubbing her back when it is sore, running to the pharmacy to get medications, being patient through her pregnant mood swings…all of the things expectant fathers find overwhelming can be especially overwhelming for me.
Most days we both overcome these things and support each other. But then there are days when we don’t. Days when all the experience of expecting a child does is remind us of when we were pregnant with Maddie, the greatest thing that ever happened to us, and how she was so cruelly taken from us. On those days it is hard to feel any excitement over this pregnancy. This stranger. This impostor. This baby that will be…not Maddie.
When Binky arrives safely (hopefully), and we hold him or her in our arms, I know we will love our baby with all of our hearts. The love we have for Maddie will not change, we will still love her from here to the sun, but now we will have enough love for Binky to take us from the sun back to earth.
Right now, however, our days are harder than two people should ever have to deal with. We’re trying our best to make it through.