Heather isn’t feeling so well tonight – neither physically nor mentally – so I told her I would write for her.
Expecting a child after what happened to Maddie has been a positive thing as it has given us a future to move toward when we no longer could imagine one. But, as much as this pregnancy has eased our burden, it has also made things harder.
For Heather, it means that, in addition to finding the strength to survive another day without Maddie, she now has to deal with horrid morning sickness and daily injections. Some days she is able to cope. Other days, when her nausea is especially strong, or when life without Maddie seems even more unbearable than usual, the weight of it all can cause the world to fall in on her like a house of cards.
This pregnancy has also placed a lot of added stress on me. The challenge of surviving the events of April is tough enough without throwing a pregnancy on top of it – I can’t tell you how many times I have heard people say “If I lost someone close to me like that I would kill myself.” Heck, even Jillian on “The Biggest Loser” said it last night! Making Heather food, rubbing her back when it is sore, running to the pharmacy to get medications, being patient through her pregnant mood swings…all of the things expectant fathers find overwhelming can be especially overwhelming for me.
Most days we both overcome these things and support each other. But then there are days when we don’t. Days when all the experience of expecting a child does is remind us of when we were pregnant with Maddie, the greatest thing that ever happened to us, and how she was so cruelly taken from us. On those days it is hard to feel any excitement over this pregnancy. This stranger. This impostor. This baby that will be…not Maddie.
When Binky arrives safely (hopefully), and we hold him or her in our arms, I know we will love our baby with all of our hearts. The love we have for Maddie will not change, we will still love her from here to the sun, but now we will have enough love for Binky to take us from the sun back to earth.
Right now, however, our days are harder than two people should ever have to deal with. We’re trying our best to make it through.
~Mike
Krystal says:
Lots of prayers and love being sent your way…
Hugs,
Krystal
.-= Krystal´s last blog ..Dear Mr. Sandman =-.
EmmieJ says:
God I love you both. I’m so glad you’re there for one another. I know it doesn’t bring Maddie back but I hope it helps to have each other there for the good times and for the bad. Mike, you’re awesome for posting tonight since Heather isn’t feeling up to it. And Heather, girl, you rock six ways ’til Sunday. May you get some rest and a break from all that sucks about nausea and the like.
Sarah says:
Here’s to more good days than bad, to knowing that Maddie is whispering in her brother or sister’s ear telling all the secrets and getting him or her prepared. Here’s to finding strength in eachother and knowing that because of that strength you can have bad days and get through them. And here’s tons of love and hugs from someone you totally don’t know.
Sarah
Al_Pal says:
Awwww! *HUGS* to you both. You are truly amazing.
kathy butler says:
hold each other tight and when you get too tired to buoy one another reach out a hand, there are soo many people willing to help you get through this horrific & hopeful time/place our hearts are with you for whatever little comfort that brings. Because of your blog maddie will live in the hearts of thousands…we all miss her so.
Rachel says:
Its funny, when Jillian said that last nite on Biggest Loser, I instantly thought, “What a painful comment to people who are grieving”. Mike, Heather, Binky and Maddie: you are a beautiful family. I pray daily for your lives to find a sense of peace, whatever that means to you now.
Bec says:
Are the new meds not working?
Thinking of you both and hoping that Heather’s well again soon.
.-= Bec´s last blog ..Mummy martyrs =-.
Katy says:
“The love we have for Maddie will not change, we will still love her from here to the sun, but now we will have enough love for Binky to take us from the sun back to earth.”
Mike, that part just made me lose it. I usually try not to cry when reading y’all blogs, but it’s really touching things like that that get me. And I’m not a big crier.
I’ve debated sharing this with y’all since it is such a raw subject, but your comment just makes me feel like I have to. I recently re-watched Memoirs of A Geisha.” The main character is sold to a geisha-house and after many failed attempts to flee, she finds out that her parents, who were ill, died. She gives up fighting. She says in a voice-over, “At the temple, there is a poem called “Loss” carved into the stone. It has three words, but the poet has scratched them out. You cannot read Loss, only feel it.”
When I heard that, I immediately thought of you two and how hard it must be. I know it probably doesn’t help, and it probably never will, but there are thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of people out there who constantly think about you AND Maddie.
So, I hope Heather feels better. And Mike, you really deserve a gold star for being so amazing. I am always thinking that Heather is so lucky to have you. After a loss, some people turn in on themselves to cope and others reach out. I hope that you two will always reach to the other for support.
Sally says:
My husband and I hear you Mike, loud and clear. Pregnancy after loss is exhausting. Physically and emotionally. Granted our losses were incredibly different, but the simple fact is we should not outlive our children. We’ve both done that.
I wish you and Heather so much strength and love.
From one heartbroken couple on the other side of the world.
xo
.-= Sally´s last blog ..The "C" word =-.
Jen says:
Last week my daughter whispered to her 8-month-old cousin something you could just tell was special. I asked what she said. “I was just telling her that she used to have a brother.” Before this sweetie was born, her parents were pregnant with a boy that had problems that caused his death at just 12 weeks in utero.
I wonder how I will one day tell her that she had three siblings that we were never lucky enough to meet. They all miscarried before the first trimester was done. It makes my heart ache for the pieces of our family that I know are missing; the little people we never met.
A book I read “A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss” made me more comfortable with the fact that I was part of a class of people who would never fully be able to enjoy a pregnancy like most women can. That with each breath my babies took after birth, I still waited for the other shoe to drop.
I can never imagine what you two have gone through–the loss that takes your breath away it hurts so bad. But know that you’re not alone –alone in the envy of the innocent pregnant women and the trepidation with every twinge you feel…and the hope that it will be all right that comes right along with the preparation in your head of how you will survive if it happens again.
I lived my life like an alcoholic fighting to maintain their sobriety–some days I just wanted to make it through the day, other days I just wanted to get through the next five minutes.
I’d feel the peace knowing that my miscarriages prepared me to comfort my friends and family. In the same second I would think, screw it all—I don’t want peace…i want to be oblivious to what they’re going through like everyone else.
I read your updates and pray for you. I know that after I remember my grandmother next March on the anniversary of her death, you will be approaching your own anniversary. So many of us out here care about you, via this crazy and amazing tehcnology that has drawn those of us who lost the most to others who fight the battle to move on and live and maybe just breathe for the next five minutes. To hope that today will not be the day you cry that cry that only a parent whose child has died could imagine could come from inside a human being. To feel the support that I and I imagine thousands other send you in their thoughts each day.
I just wanted you to know that you are thought of so often. I’m praying that you can soon do the simple things like eat and breathe and enjoy Binky in that moment. It’s truly all we have.
I can picture one of Maddie’s friends leaning close and whispering to Binky one day, “You once had a sister named Maddie” with the same sweet innocent love for Maddie that my daughter had for her cousin.
Hugs to you both, Jen
kristeneileen says:
Heather & Mike,
My heart is broken with yours, and it is also filling with hope for your hearts.
I ache with my inability to change a thing, but accepting that as our human condition, accepting that I love you both without ever having laid my own eyes on you or embraced you in my arms, helps me to ease that ache.
When loss leaves a void, the only answer is to fill it up with love – and on the days you can’t do it alone, or together, look to us – we love you, we will do everything we can to fill you up.
I miss you both and love you so.
@kristeneileen
Krissa says:
Thanks for taking the time to write, Mike. I’m sorry to read that Heather is doing badly right now. You guys are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending love and hugs you guys’ way.
Debbie in Memphis says:
Sending all my love and prayers
Uma says:
I hope the new medication will quickly work its magic and get Heather to feeling a bit better. Both of you are in my thoughts.
Kate in NZ says:
Peace, strength and love to you both.
.-= Kate in NZ´s last blog ..Now that’s a really good question =-.
Noelle says:
My heart just aches for you both so much. Without fail I read your blog every day. Most days I comment, some days I just can’t find the words. But if you can find the strength to get through another day, then I owe it to you to speak up with words of love, encouragement, and support. You can never know how much it means that you have shared your beautiful angel with the world. I feel like a different person for being able to know of her through you. Like kristeneileen wrote so beautifully above, “when loss leaves a void the only thing to do is fill it with love.” So I hope the love we send across the wires is enough to lift you for even just a minute, to get you through one more bout of nausea, to give you one small moment of peace. Much love to you both,
.-= Noelle´s last blog ..De-Galled =-.
amanda says:
I continue to stand in awe of the strength of you both. I have had a couple of pretty catastrophic events in my life – neither close to the pain of losing a child, however – and people would say, “I don’t know how you deal with that.” or “I couldn’t deal with that.” And my answer always was, and still is…you just DO. Even if you don’t do it well, or “right,” or even when the days come when you feel you can’t possibly deal with the pain for another minute…you just DO. And it is cruel. And you both are amazing. xo from CT,
Amanda
.-= amanda´s last blog ..Junior update =-.
Susan says:
Words are usually easy to come by for me, but not today. I think about you all daily and pray for you. I imagine that Maddie is holding onto Binky now saying “it’s worth the wait – mommy and daddy are amazing.”
Mike, you are a God-given treasure for being such an incredible husband to Heather.
Hugs and prayers from your internet friends in Fort Worth.
.-= Susan´s last blog ..Got something on your mind? Say it. No worries. =-.
cj says:
That was a very poignant post. Thank you for sharing. Please know that you are all in the thoughts and prayers of many.
Kristen McD says:
My heart breaks for you both. You’re in my prayers.
Scary Mommy says:
You both amaze me with your grace, strength and honesty.
What you’re going through is just too bittersweet- it belongs in a movie not in real life and Maddie belongs with you, not wherever she may be. Hoping a better day is around the corner…
.-= Scary Mommy´s last blog ..My Husband Drives Me Crazy VIII =-.
Jen @ lifelove'n'wine says:
Everyone has said it before, but I just don’t know what else to say. I’m so sorry Mike and Heather. I hope that someday not too far away the pain of losing your beautiful daughter is eased, and it won’t hurt so much when you think back on her life. Still thinking about you everyday. Maddie and Binky too.
.-= Jen @ lifelove’n’wine´s last blog ..Oh boys =-.
nic @mybottlesup says:
i have no words. only hugs and an open heart for you all.
.-= nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..annual physical =-.
Jenn says:
You’re a GREAT husband, father…person Mike. Never loose sight of that. Heather is lucky to have you and so is Maddie and Binky! I know it’s hard Mike but from this stranger friends perpective, you are doing a wonderful job. I know it’s far from easy….sometimes it’s probably hard to even breatrhe let alone live.
Although I have never met, held, or played with Maddie, because of you and Heather…. I mourn her loss, celebrate her life and fall more in love with her with every story, picture….video and I miss her….I miss her too.
Somewhere along the way, I have somehow “fallen in love” with you and Heather too. I care so much about these 2 strangers I have never met. I even have something for the baby when she is born to send to you. It’s amazing how 3 people can come into your life and impact it so profoundly. You are both leaving an amazing legacy for yourselves and Maddie and you don’t even realize it.
So often I wish I was your “real” friend so I could support you more, send you a dirty joke to make you laugh, call to give you support, and invite you to Canada.
Maybe in time…. until then I will come here as long as you both need/want me too and I will wrap my virtual arms around both of you and cry and laugh with you and most importantly remind you what great parents you are and let you know every day that Maddie will ALWAYS be remembered!
One day at a time my friend. You are doing an excellent job and you are never ever alone! Please know and remember that.
Sincerely,
Your Friend,
Jenn
Anna Marie Hinnant says:
Oh Mike, once again you have brought me to tears. Hugs to you and Heather.
kristen says:
heather and mike,
your honesty and truth about love and loss continues to provide hope for countless others who are living through pain. i wish for you that this hope is returned tenfold and that when you feel like you can’t make it through another moment that you just continue to hold on…hold on for binky, hold on for maddie, hold on for each other. the world is pulling for you.
xo
kristen
p.s. as someone who suffered severe nausea, vomiting, weight loss and zofran for two entire pregnancies my only relief came in the form of cold italian ice…might be worth a try!
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Dear Mike,
I’m pulling for you. There must be so many times during the day when you have to “be strong” even though you aren’t feeling strong at all. Please know that there are so many of us out here in the faceless blogosphere who genuinely care about what’s going on in your lives. We’re cheering for you, thinking of you, and praying for you…
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Is it supposed to look like THAT? =-.
meg...CT says:
“The love we have for Maddie will not change, we will still love her from here to the sun, but now we will have enough love for Binky to take us from the sun back to earth.”…so well said, Mike
This post has left a HUGE lump in my throat. I just can’t imagine the pain it must be just to get out of bed in the morning.
You guys are never far from my thoughts and prayers.
I wish I could offer you more. As always, wishing you both peace.
Meg…CT
Mary says:
The 4 of you continue to be in my prayers
Liz says:
Wishing you both peace — someday, somehow.
Lisa says:
All I can do is send love and hugs. I wish I could do more, I wish I had magical words or deeds that would make it all easier, but alas all I can do is continue to send the love and hugs I send everyday.
Heather, I hope today is a better day for you and that the new meds do the trick soon.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Help Your Independent Toddler Enjoy Bathtime =-.
charlane says:
You are in our prayers.
.-= charlane´s last blog ..Blood Work, Teething, and Party Planning Yay! =-.
Deborah says:
I literally ache for you both this morning, and am unable to imagine what you both go through on a daily basis. I am sending all of my love, thoughts, prayers, and hope to you today.
.-= Deborah´s last blog ..Blast from the Past =-.
AnnD says:
You are a fabulous husband!!!! You are a faboulous father!!! And all of your readers love the four of you so much!!!!
Aunt Becky says:
Love and light being sent to you, Heather, Binky and Maddie (and Rigby). I’m sorry. A thousand billion “I’m sorry’s” won’t come close to how I feel.
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..A Love Letter To A Lunch Lady =-.
Erica fr Dallas, TX says:
Thinking of you both. Its been said more than enough and I’ve been one of the ones saying it-still-i say it again. How I wish I could change things for you guys-and alleviate the pain I pray for some sort of peace within your hearts soon…
tonya says:
Hugs and prayers from TN.
ruth says:
Please give each other hugs from this former Californian who is living in exile in NJ. I can’t imagine what you are going through. I think of you often.
Cheryl says:
I wish I could wave a magic wand and have Binky’s due date be here….today. I wish you could by-pass all of this emotion and stress you’re both having to go through during this time. Hold each other tight…you have so many praying for you.
Cheryl
JennK says:
Thanks for the update, Mike. You are a hero…to Heather and Binky and Maddie and…to all of us. Stay strong. Happier days are ahead. I know it’s hard to see but I have to believe it’s true.
Peace to you all.
.-= JennK´s last blog ..Regrets (in memory of Will) =-.
Kellie says:
Thinking of you both.
Mary@Holy Mackerel says:
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mike and Heather}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Shannon says:
My heart hurts for you. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.
.-= Shannon´s last blog ..Wordsmything =-.
Kate says:
I think of you both often, my prayers are with you
Molly says:
Hang in there, you guys. What are you going through is so very, very difficult. Thank you for being so honest about it.
Thinking positive thoughts every day for a healthy, full-term pregnancy.
Kathy K says:
Mike & Heather,
You both have such an amazing way of sharing your grief and your joy. Your babies are so very fortunate to have you as parents. I have only commented one other time, but I just wanted to let you both know that I am thinking of you. Even though I do not know you I love you both.
.-= Kathy K´s last blog ..Chronic Pain =-.
Jamie says:
You are two of the strongest people I “know.” I cannot imagine what you are going through.
I am so, so sorry.
Holly says:
I hope that both of you are seeking some professional help. The situation you are in is greater than the two of you and some outside help would work wonders and take the burden off of you. It’s hard for a marriage to survive the death of a child but once you add another birth in there so shortly after losing Maddie it’s even more difficult. Someone needs to help the two of you and I hope you get the help you need quickly.
Momma Uncensored says:
thinking of you both.
.-= Momma Uncensored´s last blog ..vida =-.
Courtney says:
I can ‘t even imagine the struggle and pain you are going through, you are all constantly in my prayers, God Bless.
.-= Courtney´s last blog ..NYC is the place to be! =-.
bsluka says:
A million hugs coming your way. There are a lot of people out here in internetland thinking of you all and sending love your way.
Kathy S says:
I woke up this morning after having a fabulous dream – I was trying to recall who the curly haired little girl was in my dream…..It was MADDIE. It put a huge smile on my face to start the day. My prayers are with you two. You both are gifted writers and people. Hang in there!
Remember …..When the going gets touch – the tough get going! You will get through this! And Binky will be your reward!
Candy says:
“This baby that will be…not Maddie.”
Those must have been tough words to write, but thank you for such heartbreaking honesty. I can only imagine that you must think that every day, as would I. No matter that you will love your new baby – of course you will – but that doesn’t stop you wanting Maddie back. You know we’re all here for you, reading and hoping the best for you all.
.-= Candy´s last blog ..Full Metal Jacket =-.
Trisha Vargas says:
Extra hugs and prayers to you both today!
Sending love from Florida
Janet says:
no words for you Mike & Heather. I’m sitting here at work with tears running down my face – thinking of you both, and Maddie and Binky! You are all in my thoughts and prayes daily.
Cat says:
Sending white light your way.
.-= Cat´s last blog ..Kanye West Issues Apology After Interrupting Barbara Walters On The Toilet =-.
AMomTwoBoys says:
I wish there was something, anything, I could do for you guys.
I love you.
.-= AMomTwoBoys´s last blog ..It’s Like I’m A Whole Different Person =-.
Jamie says:
I was glad when I found out you were pregnant with Binky. Not because he/she would replace Maddie, but because I was worried and thought that Binky would give you something to look forward to, someone to get out of bed for. That he/she will bring you some much deserved happiness.
.-= Jamie´s last blog ..You can make this today! =-.
Sarah says:
I found your blog by accident. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Heather, Maddie, and Binky.
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..Pants =-.
Gillian says:
Anger at any baby, because it isn’t Maddie, is so normal. You guys are drowning now. But you’ll make it to the shore. We’re all standing there, watching you struggle, wishing we could help, willing you forward. There are no buoys to throw. We just watch and pray.
This is a tortured metaphor, but I don’t know what else to say. You’re loved.
.-= Gillian´s last blog ..Correction =-.
Diane says:
Prayers for strength for you both. Lots and lots of hugs from Alabama.
Heidi says:
So many people are thinking of you. I am one of them. Take care.
AmazingGreis says:
Sending lots of hugs to you both! And to Maddie & baby Binky too!
XOXO
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..It’s opening day… =-.
Kate says:
Heather, Mike, babies and Rigby… much love and peace to you. You are always in my thoughts.
.-= Kate´s last blog ..Bitchy Cat Wars =-.
Lindsay from Florida says:
It’s so horribly unfair, to you and Heather and of course to baby Binky, that you have days where he/she can feel like an imposter. That line seemed very harsh when I first read it, and I wondered about Binky’s feelings when reading it one day far in the future.
But then I read your next line, about how your love for Binky will be just as intense as that for Maddie, able to bring you back from the sun to the earth, and I was blown away, yet again. You two are truly the most phenomenal parents, and we are all clinging with you to the very real hope that you will have a new life to express that with very soon.
Rambling now. I hope Heather finds some relief soon. Love, thoughts, and prayers to both of you.
Lisa from WV says:
My family and I still pray for you guys every night. It’s not hard to remember, as you are never far from my mind. Hoping things get better one day at a time
Your stranger friend across the U.S.
Lisa
lyndsey says:
Hang in there Mike & Heather. So many of us are thinking of you.
Kathleen says:
Thinking of you and wishing you peace today.
Domestic Extraordinaire says:
Much love to you guys.
.-= Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..You Capture-Macro Edition =-.
Katrina says:
Happiness is just around the corner for you two. Just hang in there, one day at a time. You’ll make it. You will have joy and so much love to give Binky. It will help take over all the sadness in your heart of missing Maddie. The sadness will still be there, as you will always miss her, but the new joy that Binky brings will dominate. You two are quite a couple, and you are awesome parents.
Thinking of you always, and hoping Heather begins to feel better as the weeks go on…..
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..Rushed =-.
tara says:
my heart aches for you both every single day. all i can do is send love and hugs your way. xoxo
Chrissie says:
(((HUGS)))
Kristin says:
The best I can do is send hugs and lots of love to you both.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..Change of Heart =-.
Notesfromthegrove says:
I like the imagery of your love being a journey to the sun and back. One trip for each child. That’s a beautiful thought. And you’re right–this is more than ANYONE should EVER have to go through and I am saddened and angered over the unfairness of it all. Like everyone else who reads both of your blogs, I’d do almost anything to make this all better for you and Heather.
.-= Notesfromthegrove´s last blog ..100th Post – The Story of How We Met =-.
Debby says:
I want so much for God to hear my prayers. Please Lord, help Heather to feel well. Her burdens are many and feeling well would be a huge help to her. Amen
.-= Debby´s last blog ..PARDON THE DUST =-.
Melissa says:
I follow your blog and your heartwrenching story. Words cannot express how awful I feel for you. I almost feel guilty that my twins who were born at 25 weeks are here and Maddie isn’t. However, I can’t imagine what it would do to me if they weren’t, I am forever grateful. I pray for you often and hope God brings your hearts peace soon! Many hugs coming your way from another stranger.
P.S. I also loved the comment about “to the sun and back”. So wonderful.
Melissa
.-= Melissa´s last blog ..Just being cute kids! =-.
Glenda says:
Heather & Mike, Sending you both hugs! XX This post was beautifullly written! My heart breaks for both of you! At least you have each other to lean on and make it through these tough moments! XX Feel better soon Heather!
Sara says:
Mike,
I’m so sorry about Maddie. Just so sorry.
I’m praying for you and Heather and baby Binky.
We love you all.
Amy Collen says:
I have so much I want to say to you both since my husband and I were in a very smiiar situation with our boys. Just know that you are in my thoughts. I read your blog every day to see how you and Heather are doing. I will be here reading as long as you both are posting. All I can say is that both my husband and I have been there. The loss of a child is just devastating and unfair. Wish there was something more I could do for you.
Laura says:
Days like these are so hard. It is awful and unfair that you both have to endure them. I wish there was something we could all do to make this day go by faster…..
Love and peace to both of you.
Erica says:
Dear Heather and Mike,
I hope it offers you some form of comfort to know that you are both so loved and cared for so very much by this ‘stranger’ friend on the other side of the world. Heather and Mike, you are in my thoughts daily, as is your precious World Famous Maddie. Your precious Maddie has made such a huge impact on me and the way I live my life. Through the stories you have shared and the photos and videos I have had the great honour of seeing I have come to love your little lady with all my soul. Your precious Maddie has taught me so much. She’s reminded me to always have a smile on my face even in and especially in difficult situations and to embrace life and all it has to offer. That your precious Maddie is so special and amazing is a credit to her amazing and wonderful parents. Heather and Mike, I have written before about what wonderful parents you are and how I have learnt and continue to learn so much from you. You have taught me to be a better mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend. You are both strangers and yet you have made the biggest impact on me. My heart aches for you. Please hug each other tightly and know thart I am hugging you tighly from the other side of the world.
With love always,
your friend, Erica in Luxembourg
Jenn says:
I’m so sorry that the past few days have been so hard on you both. It breaks my heart that you have to endure this.
Sending you both a BIG hug and much love!
Jenn in CA
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..Life’s not fair =-.
april in NJ says:
So sorry to hear that Heather isn’t feeling well… I know how horrible the morning sickness can be (and mine was probably mild compared to some women’s experiences). I can’t imagine just everything poor Heather (and you too) are dealing with… sickness, anxiety, sadness, hope… it’s enough to drive a person mad. Heather seems to be taking each day with strength and grace… but it’s ok to admit defeat too. Hold each other tighter and reach out to each other and others when you feel like you’re going to fall. We’re all here watching, reading, praying… we’ll catch you. I promise. love and hugs from NJ.
themaggers says:
All my love and strength to you, Heather, Binky and Sweet Maddie always!
Love You
Love Maddie!
.-= themaggers´s last blog ..Thank You =-.
Heather says:
There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of you and MIke and Maddie. I have no clue what you guys are experiencing or feeling, but I pray that things somehow get easier to bear. Please know that you are both such an inspiration to so many!
.-= Heather´s last blog .. =-.
Colleen says:
I have never lost a child, thank god. My parents lost four, all at different ages as children. Reading your blog makes me understand a kernel of what they went through. They always had other children to force them out of bed and go through the motions of living, but I’m sure they were in a coma most of the time. My mom did tell me once that the only time they came to divorcing was after the death of my brother, Kevin. They checked out, my dad mostly. My mom kind of had a come to Jesus talk with him eventually, I think. Anyway, they thought about going their separate ways and thankfully, they did not. I wouldn’t be here if they had! They ended up with 6 children, all healthy and relatively sane (sometimes I do wonder though). They enjoyed a 60 year marriage. A few years ago, we were at my niece’s wedding in Florida. Someone asked my parents how many children they had. My mom answered, “Six.” My dad quickly corrected her, “No, we had ten; we lost four.” It was just a touching moment for me, knowing that once, he almost gave up on the family. He passed away last Fall and I know he is hanging with the rest of our family now. Stay as strong as you can and know that you will both will get stronger and will get through this time. Maybe you will have six children!
Amy in Oregon says:
Mike, Thank you for writing for Heather. I wish there was something, anything, I could do. Just know that I am holding you all close in my heart.
Linda says:
The entire world holds your family in their arms and hearts. Blessings to all today and always
Lex - @laprimera says:
Your spirit continues to touch me. My heart goes out to both of you. I think of Maddie and her perpetual smile often and remember that it is possible to be joyous even in the hard times. And you both made that possible. Thank you for sharing your life with us.
Love, prayers, and strength for you both. xoxo
Kathryn says:
Don’t give up. This too shall pass and then your rainbow will be right around the corner (Binky) along with the comet zipping through the night sky (Madeline)
Casey says:
Mike,
So beautifully written, so dearly felt. I am at a loss for anything to say, except that I hold you all in my heart everyday. Hoping that the days for both of you are survivable and doable more often than excruciating and overwhelming.
.-= Casey´s last blog ..Soup that split ‘em down the middle =-.
Marti from Michigan says:
OMG Mike, you are the BEST husband on this earth! You are a wonderful, fabulous man and I hope you know that!
I wish I could bring Maddie back to you, oh how I wish I had the power to do that. I keep thinking of you guys so often and when I think of you, I say a prayer for you.
(((HUGS))) from Michigan!
You’re the greatest that is for sure!!!!
J says:
Mike, thanks for the update, and for your honesty. Take care of yourself in all this, as well.
.-= J´s last blog ..Need I say more? =-.
Brie says:
I wish you both all the best.
Tami says:
My thoughts and prayers are with you and Heather.. You have each other and with the love that you both have , you will make it through this tough time. My hugs are with with you.
Erin says:
You guys are amazing….i am sendin positive and love filled thoughts your way! xoxo
.-= Erin´s last blog ..Thinking Back =-.
Danielle says:
I can not tell you how sorry I am. I can’t imagine loosing my child and have expressed many times that if that ever does happen, I will not be able to go on, nor will I want to. I am glad that you have each other and that a little blessing is on the way. My heart aches for you. You both are so amazingly beautiful people.
.-= Danielle´s last blog ..Holy cougar, how did this happen? =-.
Tracey says:
My heart aches for both of you even though I only know you through reading Heather’s posts. Prayers for Binky’s safe arrival and for peace in your hearts.
.-= Tracey´s last blog ..Not a Product Review =-.
Mary says:
So sorry you both have days like this. I know it’s hard (although no one can really know that) and that you just wish you could wake up from this sucky, bad dream. We will continue to hold you up, for whatever help or comfort that might give you. Hugs and continued strength to you both.
Angie says:
sending hugs your way. Wish I could do more.
lisa says:
The reality and pain inflicted by the most severe of all life’s possible trauma – your child experiencing life threatening illnesses outside of your own control and the possibility of losing that child over any period of time, but especially extended (to which I can personally related but rarely share) supplemented with the reality of that lose (with which so far we have not had to cope) is life altering. Forever. You will never be the same people again and normal people will never understand you. That wont change. But it gets better. You find a new normal. You start laughing again. You redefine your life and your values. You gain perspective that most others (thankfully) will never find. The greater the risk the greater the reward. Hang in dear people living half way across the world. I write this after five years of the beginning but no where near the end.
Taylor says:
heaven is the face- steven curtis chapman
Ms. Moon says:
Holding all of you in my heart. I swear.
.-= Ms. Moon´s last blog ..Chickens Are Soothing. =-.
Erin says:
My heart goes out to both of you! Sending positive thoughts your way!
Sara Joy says:
The Spohrs are in my prayers – as always. I really hope this blog is a source of energy and hope for you guys and not a burden. Trust me, all of us here are totally ok if time off is what you need. You WILL make it, you ARE making it, no one knows how, but praise God you ARE. {{HUGS}} for you.
SJ
.-= Sara Joy´s last blog ..Affirmation =-.
Kristin says:
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hoping that thoughts and memories of Maddie will be a comfort on your dark days.
simplelifemommy says:
Lots of love to you both. Mike, you are a wonderful husband and I’m so happy you and Heather found each other. Give Heather a hug from me.
mythoughtsonthat says:
Faith….Hope….Love….Peace.
.-= mythoughtsonthat´s last blog ..On A More Positive Note =-.
PrincessJenn says:
My heart hurts so much for you guys. I know so many of us wish there was something we could do to help ease your pain. For now, we send hugs. So many hugs.
.-= PrincessJenn´s last blog ..OverSelfPromotionalizing =-.
Tina says:
Praying for both of you. I hope the nasuea eases soon to help the pregnancy go more smoothly. I can’t even imagine how much you miss Maddie every single moment.
Robin says:
Praying for you.
Kimberly says:
My heart goes out to you both. Subsequent pregnancy after losing a child is so tough. I experienced this myself back in 1996, sometimes I don’t know how I got through those dark days, and made it through a pregnancy too. Very difficult. Thinking & praying for your family.
Kimberly
Ray says:
You and Heather are two VERY STRONG (!!!!!!) people! With what you’ve been through I don’t know how you still manage to write on here, but you do. You two will be in my prayers for a very healthy Binky to arrive at the right time and for your hurt of losing Maddie to become bearable.
Tracy says:
I will be sending prayers your way.
Jenny from Madison says:
I am thinking of you tonight Heather & Mike. Hope you feel stronger tomorrow. I hope you can feel the thoughts & prayers from all of us out here. We wish the very best for you & for Binky. Take care. With lots of love, Jenny
Kelly says:
Thinking of you. Sending hugs and strength to you all.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..At my house and after my bath! =-.
Amyinbc says:
Thinking of you both at this time and hoping Heather is feeling physically stronger very soon. Grieving and going through a rough pregnancy would tax the best of us.
Although our situations are no where near alike I too worried about loving my second and third (twin) babies as much as I loved my first born. You truly cannot help but. But you will love her/him in a new, special way. You will fall in love with this new baby, please trust me. He/she will bring such joy. A new beginning, another love affair for you both.
I too am glad you have the pregnancy to focus on, something very wonderful looming in your future but yes, in the best of circumstances pregnancies can be rough. In yours it must be 1000 fold.
Hoping tomorrow is a better day all round and thanks for posting and letting us know how you are all doing.
Please know you have countless people rooting, praying and thinking about you all.
Pam says:
I am so sorry. Binky will make sure to make you focus on him/her. M will make sure of it!
Dawn says:
Kudos to the both of you for continuing with your daily lives (as hard as it is) to do what is best for Binky.
My thoughts and prayers are with the both of you.
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..The grass is always greener… =-.
ONE CRUSTY MOM says:
My thoughts are with you all!
.-= ONE CRUSTY MOM´s last blog ..There’s A Cougar On The Loose! =-.
MelissaG says:
I feel my words are always less than to you both….you are SO right, you two are enduring more than two people should have to. When I try to think of your situation, it’s so hard to grasp it all. I continue to pray for you all and am thankful you have one another. {{HUGS}}
Patty says:
Mike,
So wonderful that you wrote this post for your beautiful lady. I do so wish that time could turn back and Maddie were here with you again. As terrible as this pain is that you are feeling, when little Binky emerges into this world, you will feel so much love for this child. More than you can imagine! I’m not saying you wont feel pain over the loss of Maddie, because of course you will. I’m also not saying that you wont feel guilty over loving this new baby, but please don’t let that eat you up because, and I promise this, you will feel so much love for this baby that your love has created. I pray for your family all of the time. You are a wonderful husband, a wonderful husband, and I wish for you and your wife peace. Love from AZ, @1mcmommy
.-= Patty´s last blog ..Here I am, thanks to Legolas! =-.
Rick Bucich says:
Mike,
I live in Los Altos and hope you can visit when you make it up this way.
When Jack was born it was harder than I could have imagined, harder than people described even when pressing their point. But Jack was nothing like what you’re going through.
I don’t want to imagine what it would be like.
My love and thoughts to you and Heather
.-= Rick Bucich´s last blog ..Smack Talk Etiquette? =-.
Adelas says:
Just… I love you.
Nothing else.
Liliana says:
I come here every night to check on you. I know it doesn’t help much, but in moments like this we just want you to know that we all are cheering for you and we know how hard your situation is. I know this pregnancy it’s full of physical and emotional stress , but as you mentioned I also believe that Binky’s arrival will be the thing that will help your aching hearths the most.
Love
Liliana
Ms. Anthropy says:
Phenergan works miracles for nausea, migraines and can be used as an appetite stimulant. Good luck!
.-= Ms. Anthropy´s last blog .."Twink" =-.
JWin says:
I hope so much for things to get better for you both. I never expected to get so caught up in the life of a family I’ll never meet…
i wish you sunshine, and gentle rain
love and laughter, surcease from pain
no more migraines, no more feeling sick
hoping that you find out soon if Binky has a… Hello!
marina says:
yesterday I picked up my shirt for the 10 Mile run. It’s purple. So tomorrow evening there will be 25.000 people wearing purple shirts, running from Amsterdam to Zaandam. On the back it says “There is no finish line”.
Will be thinking of you.(at least 24.999 times)
Two Makes Four says:
One day at a time. That’s all you can do. Thanks for your honesty.
.-= Two Makes Four´s last blog ..Maybe a Tiny Little Ray of Sunshine =-.
Mandy says:
Heather,
I really hope you feel better soon…I think of you, Mike and Maddie often.
I had really bad nausea and prescriptions did not help…what DID help were unisom tablets (otc sleeping pill, an antihistimine). Those worked for me. Ask your doctor if you can try it! I had several prescriptions…however, this medication worked the best. My doctor said to take 1/2 tablet three times a day. And, it’s inexpensive. Some doctors want you to combine it with vitamin B for extra nausea relief, but I found it gave me more stomach acid so I took the unisom by itself. It did not make me groggy; it’s not as bad as benadryl. If you do try it…I hope it works as well for you as it did for me. I was nauseated up to 22 weeks.
Sarah B says:
I hope Heather finds some relief from the nausea. It’s beyond most people’s comprehension what it’s like to live with nausea and vomiting for WEEKS and MONTHS when most people have, at worst, a day or two at a time from a stomach bug.
I took unisom and B6 tablets, too, and they did help. Together they are similar to a drug that is used in Canada: diclectin. I was very worried about my first trimester (and exposure to even more prescription drugs) but my research showed this was safe- at least as safe as any other med.
I’m wishing for better days for you both.
Lisa says:
I wish there was something I could do to help you two. We are thinking of you and sending hugs from afar.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Happy Friday! =-.
Pam says:
Hugs and prayers are being sent.
Denise says:
The incredible strength that you and Heather share is such an inspiration. Big hugs to both of you, I think about you guys everyday. I look forward to Binky’s arrival in a few months. By the way, Abby on BL is such an amazing woman, I can’t wait to follow her journey.
.-= Denise´s last blog ..13 Reasons Why I’ll Honk At You… =-.
Rebecca says:
i do know a little of what you guys are feeling. my husband and i lost one of our twin boys at birth and now 19 months later we are a less than a week away from the caesarian delivery of another little boy. it has been hard to feel some of the joy you expect with a pregnancy. we are both hanging out to feel him safely in our arms next thursday. then i can stop holding my breath. i continue to read heather’s blog & wish you both the very very best.
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..we’re unconventional together =-.
andi says:
Hoping for all the best in everything, amongst all the worst that has already happened.
Love you guys.
.-= andi´s last blog ..First Day =-.
Janice (5 Minutes for Mom) says:
{{{HUGS}}} – can’t even imagine the heartache!!! sending love and prayers!!!
.-= Janice (5 Minutes for Mom)´s last blog ..Watch My Venice Videos on Facebook… =-.
Maria Delgado says:
Praying that this ‘little stranger’ will bring you both joy abounding.
.-= Maria Delgado´s last blog ..My new hair! =-.
Spacemom says:
Mike and Heather,
People who say things like you are reporting haven’t gone through anything like this. Or even been near someone going through things like losing a child, spouse, etc…
I am sorry you guys have to deal with this crap.
Thinking of the four of you.
.-= Spacemom´s last blog ..Some quieter thoughts. =-.