I don’t remember much about that day, but I do remember walking into the room and seeing the right one for you. We knew we wanted something pretty, but we didn’t know what until we saw the many shades of purple. We never thought it would be something we’d have to pick out for you
I remember the day we brought you home in it. I was expecting it to be so heavy, but it wasn’t. Now, though, if I try to lift it I find it to be almost impossible. It’s weighed down with so much sadness and broken dreams.
When I wake, I press my lips on top and say good morning. I kiss it before I leave the house and when I return.
I wrapped a pretty purple scarf around it because I thought you would like it. I want you to be warm.
On top I lay two rings. One is your birthstone, the one I got after you were born, the one that was to be yours when you turned sixteen. The other has a gorgeous purple stone that Aunties Leslie & Brianne gave me in your honor. You loved your birthstone ring so I think you’d like having both sparkly baubles so close.
At night I stand before it and I say goodnight to you. I never know what I’m going to say but I find myself talking to you for long stretches of time. My tears have left salt stains on top and I always tell you I’m going to clean them up. I promise I will.
I press my forehead on the cool hard surface and remember how warm and soft your skin was. Sometimes I think I can smell you, that sweet scent of your soap and curl shampoo. I think about everything you were robbed of. I wish I could take your place inside it.
At night I lay in bed and I hold your clothes and toys in my arms. I yearn to touch you one more time. I long to snuggle with you in bed again. I hope to wake from the nightmare that is you, forever, in an urn.
Steph says:
For some reason I wasn’t expecting the ending. An urn. Just brought me to tears. My heart goes out to you.
.-= Steph´s last blog ..Cirque du Soleil-I LOVE the Beatles. =-.
Lauren @ MOMMYISROCKNROLL says:
Oh Heather, that was beautiful.
pamela says:
Yeah I’m crying. This is so beautifully written
.-= pamela´s last blog ..On book signings and the glamourous life of published writers =-.
Shelia says:
Heartwrenchingly beautiful. She hears you, loves you, and comforts you. Of that, I have no doubt.
Your strength inspires me. Even in your weakest moments, you exemplify a womans strength that is far beyond words, purely spiritual.
Thank you. And thank you for continuing to share her love with all of us. We feel her through you. What an exceptional gift!
XO
Noelle says:
Shelia said it beautifully. As did you, Heather. There are, simply, no other words.
.-= Noelle´s last blog ..Catch Up =-.
Connie says:
I don’t think I could have said it better. Stay strong Heather, she hears you.
.-= Connie´s last blog ..Potty Time! Excellent! =-.
Kelly says:
This is exactly what I want to say – although more eloquent than my brain is capable of right now…
Heather, you are incredible. Beautiful through and through.
Sending much love and hugs your way
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Mums group =-.
Tara. says:
I couldn’t agree more. I wanted to say something, but the words weren’t coming to me, as I’m never sure what to say because I know nothing anyone can say will fill that giant hole in your heart.
I’m just so sorry. I’m crying with you, for you.
.-= Tara.´s last blog ..Chicago. =-.
Melissa says:
Agree…couldn’t have summed it up any better.
You’re amazing…..
Julie says:
How come I am always crying? This was so beautiful, my heart goes out to you and Mike.
Tam says:
Heartbreak. There is nothing quite like it (thankfully), in this world.
Also, I know It’s a bit late but i’m sorry to hear your not allowed to travel. I hope your potentially problematic pregnancy resolves for you so you can go on and enjoy what time you have left with Binky on the “inside”. We too are experiencing a problematic pregnancy, so just a little bit, i understand your fear and frustration. All the best to you, Mike, your precious Maddie and Binky (and Rigby of course!) xo
.-= Tam´s last blog ..and again, we wait =-.
Al_Pal says:
Beautiful. Sad. Brilliant.
*HUGS*
catherine lucas says:
No words…
.-= catherine lucas´s last blog ..Seals and wardens: bad combination!!!! =-.
Dana says:
I’m up at 2am with pregnancy insomnia and I always check your blog to see how you’re doing..As soon as I saw the title I knew I’d be in tears and I was right…My heart breaks for you as every time I look at a picture of beautiful Maddie, I want to grab her and kiss her…I think of you often..(((Hugs))
.-= Dana´s last blog ..Tue, Oct 13, 2009 =-.
Candice says:
Heart-breaking. I’m so sorry. I think of you guys often. All too often, it brings me to tears to think of how unfair it all is. I have become a March of Dimes supporters because of Maddie. I don’t want any baby to have to struggle.
.-= Candice´s last blog ..Matchmaker =-.
JustAMom says:
Heartbreaking. I am just so sorry. No parent should ever have to kiss their child’s urn. Certainly not you. Life is beautiful, but also incredibly cruel.
Amber says:
I haven’t commented in quite some time. Mostly I just feel like I sound repetive of what everyone else is saying. I’m just another “oh I’m sorry”, “this sucks so bad”, “thinking of you” well-wisher. But then sometimes I realize you need to know that over and over again from all of us. Prayers and thoughts your way today and always!
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Oh, Heather…I wish we could bring Maddie back for you.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..I know it’s icky, but I can’t throw it away. =-.
Jenn says:
Such a raw post today but how could it be anything but raw??? On April 7th you and Mike were dealt a card that was completely breath takenly cruel, and overwhelmingly heart breaking. Not only was your daughter taken from you but so was the life you knew, loved, wanted and deserved.
I’m sure the Urn you and Mike picked out for Maddie is pretty and although, it so carefully houses her precious little body, it could never hold her incredible, beautiful spirit.
Maddie’s spirit is bigger than life itself. Every day it draws a village full of “strangers” to the people Maddie loved most in her life….you and Mike. It is her spirt we see when we look at her pictures and feel her warmth and the glow of her smile. It is her spirit we close our eyes and listen to laughing in the video’s you share. It is her spirit whom many, MANY people have completely and utterly fell in love with even though we never had the honour of meeting her in person.
Because of your willingness to share your daughter with so many of us, Maddie’s spirit could never fit within that urn because, it is her spirit we all so carefully and lovingly hold close to our own hearts all because one mother chose to share her joys, sadness, grief and most importantly, Daughter with us. And for that Heather….there are no amount of words or gestures of love to express how grateful I feel.
Sending you warm hugs today and reminding you I think of you, Mike, Maddie and Binky every single day and I wish you nothing but the best!
Elizabeth says:
I think Jenn said it beautifully. Thinking of you always. ITB
Porscha Is says:
I agree. Beautifully said by Jenn. And you Heather. Thinking of you as always.
cj says:
exactly…..beautifully said Jenn and another heartbreaking and beautiful post Heather. i am so very sorry.
Jenn says:
Thank you very much girl.
Laura says:
Wow. Jenn, I couldn’t agree more. Today’s post made me not only sad, but actually a little sick….
Heather, you are such an amazing writer that you truly painted a picture in my mind of that cold, hard urn…. it made me so upset to realize that your precious little baby is IN there. How can that be? It is just so unfair, so wrong, so heartwrenching.
And then Jenn’s comment put my mind and heart at ease- at least a little. Though nothing will undo the pain, or right this wrong, I somehow like the idea that Maddie’s spirit is not in there, and could never be.
And it is so, so true that your beautiful aand amazing daughter has touched so many lives, and brought so many people together- both to love and take care of her Mommy and Daddy, but also to fight for a healthy start for all babies. Only a truly amazing soul could make such an impact in her life here on earth.
Madeline Alice is breathtaking- in so many ways.
Love to you, Mama Spohr. And to your readers too. They always say exactly what I am thinking or feeling- but so much better than I can.
Mike and Heather, your precious little angel baby will be missed, and she will live on in so many people’s hearts, forever. Forever.
xoxoxoxoxox
Tina says:
I have my Mom’s and my older Brother’s both on my dresser in my room…I do the same thing. I wish they were here still too…there are reasons God gives us special people in our lives … My brother saved my life…then lost his. Seems unfair I know, but I can only be thankful that he was put in my life at all. I would rather have lost him, then never had him in it at all…hugs
Neena says:
I can’t think of the right words, but I’m sending hugs.
.-= Neena´s last blog ..Honesty really is the best policy – well, we’ll see… =-.
Liz says:
This brought me to tears. I don’t know what else to say. i wish you weren’t going through this. My heart breaks for you both.
.-= Liz´s last blog ..Thinking =-.
Bec says:
Oh my god my heartbreaks for you and Mike over and over again.
Cam says:
Love to you and Mike, Heather. I cry with you.
Scary Mommy says:
No words as well, just the warmest of thoughts…
.-= Scary Mommy´s last blog ..Sibling Revelry =-.
amanda says:
Love to Maddie, and love to you and Mike. No other words.
xo from CT,
Amanda
.-= amanda´s last blog ..a horse is a horse =-.
MK says:
You’re a great writer and even though the words must be hard to put to ‘paper’ I’m hoping it helps you to document what you’re going through.
.-= MK´s last blog ..Narcotics or Alcohol. =-.
Anna Marie Hinnant says:
*sobbing*
Hugs.
Tracey says:
me too
SusieO says:
hugshugshugs and much love to you, mike, maddie and binky.
.-= SusieO´s last blog ..My Summer Re-cap =-.
red pen mama says:
That was beautifully written. My heart goes out to you.
ciao,
rpm
.-= red pen mama´s last blog ..Ladybugs and Butterflies and Candy, Oh My =-.
Shannon Kieta says:
Usually I have some comforting words…today, just tears, and hugs. I love you! Shannon
Karen says:
You are a beautiful person, magnificent writter and a spectacular mother. You amaze me.
.-= Karen´s last blog ..Normal people read on the toilet. My child develops plot lines. =-.
Catherine says:
You know, I stumbled across your blog yesterday morning and spent the first (wee) hours of the morning in tears. Your grief is palpable and I feel like it reaches through the screen, takes hold of my heart and squeezes. I am a nurse for children with cancer, and I’ve been thinking about all those families I’ve worked with through the years whose children have died and how I could never imagine what life was like for them after. I feel like now, maybe a little bit, I know. Thank you for sharing this exquisite life with others.
Deborah says:
Beautiful and tragic and raw and honest. Thank you for sharing and being so brave. Thinking about you all today as always.
((((hugs))))
Kathleen says:
Beautifully written…sending warm thoughts to you.
Jack's Mom says:
Oh Heather…I can’t find my words at the moment because my heart is so heavy and sad. Your pain is so palpable, I could literally feel it as I read each and every word. I wish I could take away your pain for just one second….
kristen says:
heather,
i think she hears every word you speak to her at night, and i know she feels the love that still burns as bright as ever inside you. this was a most touching post…one i’ll never forget. i hope putting it into words, your beautifully chosen words, helps ease the ache even just a little bit.
with tenderness and love,
kristen
xo
Tami says:
Oh Heather, My eyes are swelled with tears.
I to wish I could give your precious Maddie back.
I can not imagine the pain of having to hold your Childs Urn. My heart just breaks for you both.
I really wish so much that things were different. I will continue to keep you both in my prayers. Hugs,
Karen says:
.-= Karen´s last blog ..Every Rose Has Its Thorn =-.
Patti McKenna says:
Heather,
You write very well. It’s real, whether it’s funny, sad, or heartbreaking, like this post. I visit the cemetary and have the same talks and tears 21 years later. I have a box with the same clothes and toys in my bedroom. It’s indescribable, and the closest I can come to explaining the effect of losing a child is “life shattering.” God bless.
maya says:
I love you so much. She is everywhere around you- always with you, never far.
Love you.
.-= maya´s last blog ..Off to the Farm We Go =-.
pgoodness says:
I was wondering how long I could watch the cursor blink until the right words showed up….apparently it’s going to be forever, as I can’t find them.
This is devastatingly beautiful. xoxoxo
.-= pgoodness´s last blog ..And then =-.
Ms. Moon says:
Heather….
Perhaps some day this grief will soften in form enough so that it does not cut so deeply every day. I hope that for you and Mike.
.-= Ms. Moon´s last blog ..And Bat-Shit Crazy Is Not Just A Religion =-.
Delenn says:
I want to write something about this post. But I know it is inadequate to the task. Know that I am thinking of you, putting myself in your place, wishing us both out of that place.
.-= Delenn´s last blog ..Willow – 1.5 =-.
jen says:
I’m so sorry. I truly am, and yet, it seems like it isn’t enough.
.-= jen´s last blog ..ain’t it grand =-.
JoAnn says:
I am crying so hard for you. This was such a heartbreaking post- I can’t find the words to do it justice. I am so, so sorry.
Karen Chatters says:
Oh Heather, I wish I could take your pain and hurt, if even just for a minute.
.-= Karen Chatters´s last blog ..Taking life a little slower =-.
Amy says:
I have no words… only tears for you today. ((((heather))))
jv says:
I don’t what to say, I am always breathless thinking of your loss. Sending you my hug as well, among the many.
Adventures In Babywearing says:
I’m so sorry.
Steph
.-= Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..Monday Afternoon =-.
Patty says:
Heather, that was a very deep post, so full of emotion that I can feel the depth of your sadness. I wish this was a post that you never had to write, that Maddie was in your arms right now. I do believe that she hears everything you say to her, so keep talking to her. Sending hugs your way from AZ, Patty
.-= Patty´s last blog ..I Am =-.
Megan says:
Tears and hugs for you today.
.-= Megan´s last blog ..All in a day. =-.
deej says:
I just wish I could wrap my arms around you guys.
Hugs.
.-= deej´s last blog ..Don’t Look Back =-.
angie says:
hugs
I read your blog everyday. You are a beautiful writer and person. I am sorry you have such a terrible subject to write about.
lisa says:
I can’t leave this post without writing something…there is nothing good to say except I have tears in my eyes and my heart hurts for you.
Debbie B. says:
Thinking of you today and always. Hugs to you and Mike.
Lisa says:
No words today, just hugs, lots and lots of hugs.
Love and hugs my friend.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Fall Fun =-.
Michele says:
Wow. This is beautifully written. I’m really sorry that you ever had to write something like this though. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Jamie says:
I have no words, either. My heart breaks for you both. May today be a little softer.
Susan A says:
Wow. You very eloquently described what it has been like to have one’s heart ripped out of your body. The pain you live every day brings me to tears. I think about you every day. Though I pray and wish that your suffering is less today than it was yesterday, I can see that it is not. I will hope and pray harder. Sending you much love and hugs!!
J says:
There are things a parent should never, ever have to do. I’m so sorry.
daysgoby says:
This was beautiful. So beautiful.
.-= daysgoby´s last blog ..career paths =-.
Erica fr Dallas, TX says:
Heather I always hug my children extra tight for you and sweet Maddie…
daisybv2 says:
Heather,
I wish there were words that would make you feel better, or something I could do to bring her back……
My heart goes out to you guys
Midwest Mommy says:
This was beautiful in a really, really sad, I wish it never had to be written way. I am sobbing.
.-= Midwest Mommy´s last blog ..We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming… =-.
Trisha Vargas says:
I really don’t know where you find your strength. You amaze me more and more everyday with your courage to share so much with us.
Oh, how your Maddie Moo is smiling down on you with such pride to call you Mama.
HUGS from your friend in Florida
Alexandra says:
Oh,heather, I don’t know how you’ve made it so far.
I think of how a collection of all your posts, in book form, would so much help someone who has lost a child find words to their feelings.
It’s so hard,when you feel so much, and you have no way to express it to others.
It so holds you up, to see what you feel right there for others to understand. Maybe not feel, but understand. Understand why you can’t get up,why you can’t even form a sentence somedays.
All my love to you.
eliza says:
I so agree with this. I see a book from you one day. But for now, just keep on getting up every day. You’re making it. You decided to get on with living and you’re going to be ok. This is so beyond awful and gut wrenching it’s excruciating. You are a remarkable person in how you are able to express the things for which there are no words.
MommyGeekology says:
I never know what to say here, your grief is so vivid. You’ve laid it all bare here and I have nothing – nothing to make it better.
I remember Maddie every day. I mourn her when I think of her. I think of you, and of Mike, and of Binky. I hope that you all find peace.
::love::
.-= MommyGeekology´s last blog ..Featured: Favorite Blog Posts =-.
Sarah @ Ordinary Days says:
Heather, I can’t even imagine…
I wanted to tell you I had a dream the other night that I got to be introduced to Maddie by you. You were beaming and she was just so sweet and silly and wonderful to be around. I’m not sure why I dreamed about her or why I feel compelled to tell you, but I did and I do.
I’m due almost any day now with my first little girl and I remember you sharing in my joy with me when I found out the gender. I remember the joy in your words of how much I would love having a little girl. I’m not sure where I’m going with this either….
I’m just so sorry you have to go through moments and days and forever with this great loss. Know that I think of you often and pray for peace to settle in your heart.
.-= Sarah @ Ordinary Days´s last blog ..You Capture: Technology =-.
Tina says:
She hears every word you say. I am so, so sad that you don’t get to hold your beautiful daughter every day. It is such a horrible and devastating loss. I am just so, so sorry Heather. So, so sorry. Love you
Andrea says:
Oh Heather my heart breaks for you. This was so beautiful and I no Maddie is listening. Thank you for sharing.
Andrea
Janet Z says:
Beautifully written, painstakingly sad, I know in my heart that Maddie can hear you. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers daily.
Manda says:
:*(
Miss MVK says:
I didn’t think my heart could break more for you but it just shattered again. Nothing can take away your pain, but I hope that Binky can bring back some of the warmth and light you have been missing.
.-= Miss MVK´s last blog ..Last year =-.
suzanne says:
Peace, love and strength to you and Mike. I have nothing to ease your pain. I can only say is that you, Mike and Madeline have touched me in a way that is deep and indelible. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing your story.
Kristen McD says:
I can only imagine that kind of yearning and pain. I hope… I don’t know. I hope that somewhere, and somehow, some peace finds you. I don’t know how. But I still hope.
Stephanie Padilla Salgado says:
Heather my heart, love, hugs, & prayers go out to you & your family for your loss. No words will ever replace your beautiful Maddie or make the pain go away. I just hope that some day you & Mike find comfort & peace. Maddie was a beautiful baby girl who in life was loved by all who were previlaged to know her, and now she is loved by all who never got the chance. Your words are so touching. Because of you I hug my 15mo old so much tighter, kiss him so much more, stare at him so much longer, and for that I thank you, because you have made me a better mother because I know that tomorrow is never promised….God bless you, Mike & Binky…And forever eternity Maddie lives on…
Krissa says:
(((heartfelt hugs)))
Erica says:
Dear sweet Heather,
Your words are so beautiful, so very sad and so very moving and yet so very beautiful too. You have such talent, you bring the reader into your world with your moving words, allowing us to feel your raw emotion, allowing us to feel your pain and allowing us to surround you with our love. Heather, your readers all love you so very much and are holding your hand from afar. Your precious Maddie is always in my thoughts, every morning, every night and throughout my day. Your precious girl has made such a huge impact on so many people all over the world, she has become a part of our daily lives and we are all honoured to hear so much about her through the words of her amazing parents. Thank you for sharing so much of your precious Maddie with us. Your precious Maddie has changed me forever, as has her wonderful Mama. Heather, you have taught me to be a better person – a better wife, daughter, sister, friend and above all a better mother. Heather, you continue to be such an inspiration to me, your courage and strength and the dignity you continue to possess leave me in so much awe of you. Thinking of yiu always.
With love
Erica
Michelle Pixie says:
My heart breaks for you… {{{HUGS}}}
.-= Michelle Pixie´s last blog ..Two Years Without Him =-.
Lindsay from Florida says:
I’ve typed so many things, only to delete them. The world has treated you more cruelly than I can still really comprehend, and I am so deeply, deeply sorry.
Amy says:
Dearest Heather,
What a beautiful post. I only wish you never had to write it.
As I sit in the PICU today after a scary night in the ER, I can’t help but think of you and your family. I cried for us and I also cry for you.
Much love to you, Mike, Maddie & Binky
Katrina says:
Oh, Heather. What a painful post. It just hits me straight in the heart, reading it. I’m so sorry that you don’t have your sweet little Maddie there with you to snuggle in bed. It sure isn’t fair
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..Capturing the moment =-.
Jess says:
no words are worth speaking.
I’m just sending my love to you and Mike.
AmazingGreis says:
(((hugs))) You, Mike and Maddie (and now Binky) will always be a thought away.
XOXO
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..Blogger Football League – Week 6 =-.
Maile says:
I’m really glad I read this before I got to work.
I can’t wait for Binky to get here. I feel certain everything will go fine with her, and she’s going to be an angel who’s going to help you so much.
won says:
Ever read the book “Stop Kissing My Urn”? I haven’t, but I thought I’d ask.
I get it.
Here’s Olivia’s (also purple), if you’re interested in seeing it.
http://www.sacredjourneyvessels.com/Urns_new/CD/custom_designed.htm
.-= won´s last blog ..Why I Won’t Be Wearing a Mask On Halloween =-.
Joie says:
I knew as soon as I started reading the 2nd paragraph what you were talking about…that was really difficult to get through. You did a really great job (sadly) of giving the details of how you feel about it. Wow…that was really humbling. Bad days don’t seem as deep when you realize what someone like you is going through…and how many others as well.
Marcela G says:
Every day at work, I look forward to reading your blog, and I even miss it when there isn’t a new post.
Today it almost made me cry… my eyes are teary, but I hold the tears, since I am supposed to be working. I wish what so many people wish… that we could bring Maddie back to you. I wish you could at least travel in your dreams and visit her heavenly home, so that when moments that hard hit you, you at least have a visual image of where she is now. I’m sure she’s a pretty little angel, watching over you, Mike, Binky, and Rigby. She’ll always be there Heather; no words can console you now, but one day… one day will come when you will have Maddie in your arms again. Just not in this unjust world. You’re in my thoughts…
Marcela
.-= Marcela G´s last blog ..Love Is… =-.
Carrie says:
I truly can’t imagine the daily struggles you deal with. My heart goes out to you more than you know. I am not such an eloquent writer, but please know my thoughts are with you and your sweet sweet Maddie. I wish nothing more than for her to be here with you. I wish that were possible.
Teresa M says:
I have been reading your blog for a while. It is so beautiful the words and thoughts you are able to form in your grief. I kept wondering why I keep coming back and crying with you…because I do cry with you.
I feel an ache deep in my heart for you and I am so glad I have not had to have this personal pain myself because I do not know how you are surviving.
But on my youngest daughter’s birthday, I realized why I keep coming back for more of your story. It helps remind me what I have and to cling to it because there are no guarantees.
I am so blessed as you are but you are now having to survive the most devastating of losses. You are showing it may not be elegant and pretty and soft and nice but that is what survival is and you are doing it.
I hope you find a little more peace each day and I look forward to the birth of Binky and the relief you will experience when she is safely with you.
You deserve some relief.
I will continue to cry and grieve with you.
Thanks for sharing your life.
Tracy says:
This post was so beautiful. So heart wrenching.
I wish it wasn’t your reality and that you never had to write it.
Allyson says:
No words, only gut wrenching, waterfalls of tears for the loss of this beautiful little girl and the changed lives of you and Mike. My thoughts and prayers are with you today and everyday.
Melinda says:
Heather,
Thank you for sharing the emotions in your heart. Your blog reminds us that we must cherish every loving moment with the ones that we love.
I just know that when you hold Binky, you will feel just a little more at peace. Life will never ever be the same for you, but I hope the tears eventually start turning into smiles.
I am a firm believer that Maddie is now your family’s angel and that she will ALWAYS be close.
I pray that you always have faith that you will hold Maddie again some day.
I am so so deeply sorry for your loss…xoxo
melinda
april in NJ says:
((((Hugs, love, prayers, good thoughts))))
love and hugs from NJ.
Danny says:
Breathtaking and sad. I feel like I know Madeline through your writing and emotions, it’s hard for me to believe I never met her.
My son Oliver died six months ago today. I woke up thinking of that awful day. But it’s also the half-birthday of my other son Charlie, and for that I am so, so grateful. Mixed feelings.
Danielle says:
Hugs!!!!!
Elizabeth says:
Wishing I could take the tears away. My love and prayers to you and huge hugs.
Laura says:
I know this off topic, but I just wanted to let your readers know that there have been some changes with the Mommy Blog Awards voting. Apparently someone hacked into their system (lame!), so they are not counting the votes from before, and instead are asking people to comment to vote for their favorite overall blog…
In Maddie’s memory, I think we can all go and leave one comment so Heather and Mike can get the recognition they deserve for their amazing blog that touches each of our lives every day. I love the idea of the prize money going to Friends of Maddie…. it is such a small comfort after heartbreaking posts like today’s, but it is something…
So, if you have a minute to leave a comment, go here:
http://pregnant.thebump.com/extras/mommy-blog-awards/articles/best-overall-blog-mommy-blog-awards.aspx#
and vote for Heather and Friends of Maddie.
Meg...CT says:
Heartbreaking…
I can not even BEGIN to imagine the pain you must feel every day.
My hope and prayer is that the beautiful memories of your sweet girl will bring more smiles than tears.
Peace.
Liz says:
how heartwrenchingly beautiful.
it reminds me of the poem “Mid-Term Break” by Seamus Heaney: (I’m taking the liberty to copy and paste it here)
I sat all morning in the college sick bay
Counting bells knelling classes to a close,
At two o’clock our neighbors drove me home.
In the porch I met my father crying–
He had always taken funerals in his stride–
And Big Jim Evans saying it was a hard blow.
The baby cooed and laughed and rocked the pram
When I came in, and I was embarrassed
By old men standing up to shake my hand
And tell me they were “sorry for my trouble,”
Whispers informed strangers I was the eldest,
Away at school, as my mother held my hand
In hers and coughed out angry tearless sighs.
At ten o’clock the ambulance arrived
With the corpse, stanched and bandaged by the nurses.
Next morning I went up into the room. Snowdrops
And candles soothed the bedside; I saw him
For the first time in six weeks. Paler now,
Wearing a poppy bruise on the left temple,
He lay in the four foot box as in a cot.
No gaudy scars, the bumper knocked him clear.
A four foot box, a foot for every year.
Tracey says:
There are no words, and “I’m sorry” certainly doesn’t seem to fill any kind of gap. My heart hurts for you.
.-= Tracey´s last blog ..Day By Day =-.
Jaden says:
I am sitting here at work with tears in my eyes, again… You write so beautifully about a loss I can’t even begin to imagine. *hugs* to you and your family. Thank you for sharing your life with us. Sending good vibes to all of you- including Binky, of course!
.-= Jaden´s last blog ..Apple Picking at Wellwood Orchards, 10/11/09 =-.
missy says:
Love you Heather.
Melissa says:
You have such a beautiful way to express yourself. I am glad that Maddie is close, I lost both my parents when I was younger and keep them in special containers in my bedroom. It is comforting to know they are close, but never close enough. I hold you and MIke in my heart and hope that we all help carry you with our positive thoughts and love for good days mixed with the bad days that you have.
Nicole says:
My heart just broke…and I know the sorrow I feel is nothing compared to that of you and Mike. I don’t have words to say how sorry I am. But I am ,eternally, moumentally sorry.
Jane says:
My heart breaks for you. I’m so happy that you’re pregnant again, and am so sad you lost Madeline. There are no words – just grief. I pray for your familly nightly.
Aunt Becky says:
Oh my sweet Heather, my heart just hurts. It’s all so unfair.
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..America Rejoices, Aunt Becky Changes Intended Profession (etc) =-.
Julie says:
It’s amazing how you are able to put into words the grief you feel so that each reader can also feel the loss. It’s so hard for me to read your blog, yet I come back again and again because I have never read anywhere that has captured the crushing saddness that I felt two years ago. I wish you didn’t have to write the words you do and I wish I couldn’t recognize the pain. Love to you and your husband.
Jen says:
I have been thinking about this all day since I read your post. As someone who lost very important people at a very young age, it has never made sense to me that people die. It makes even less sense that children die. But every story I have read about a child who passed away; they all seem so larger than life. Maddie is definitely no exception.
Reading about this unfair journey that you and Mike have been forced to take is so heartbreaking but think about all that you can change by continuing.
That sounds so heartless as I read it back to myself but I swear to you that it is not to be.
All I mean is that while you and Mike will obviously miss and mourn Maddie everyday for the rest of your lives; you are in such a wonderful position in that you can use your experience with your clotting disorder, Maddie’s prematurity and subsequent NICU stay, health insurance issues, ER visits and the worst outcome in the world to raise awareness about it.
Hopefully this doesn’t come off to be insensitive. I think about your family all the time and pray that Binky’s womb time will be long and that she will be healthy.
Heidi says:
I cannot imagine anything worse than losing a child. I don’t know what to say. Please know that I’m thinking of you as always and sending love.
.-= Heidi´s last blog ..So Big =-.
Sarah says:
*sobs* Beautiful. I too kiss my baby’s urn, cradle it, rock it. To all the mothers and fathers with urns instead of children, I am so sorry for us
Undomestic Diva says:
It hurts to read that, as beautifully written as it is. xoxo
kate says:
Oh, Mama! After this post, I wish I could take Maddie’s place in the urn.
Rebecca says:
You always amaze me. Your writing is wonderful. I’m so sorry. I know it doesn’t bring Maddie back, and it doesn’t take the pain away, but I’m sorry.
mythoughtsonthat says:
No words, except
Faith….Hope….Love….Peace.
.-= mythoughtsonthat´s last blog ..I Wish I Knew =-.
Lea says:
Just when I think I can cry no more tears from reading your blog, your words touch me so deeply and I just can’t help myself.
.-= Lea´s last blog ..Midwife =-.
tonya says:
I almost didn’t reply. I left your blog thinking, just how many times can I say that I’m sorry and I’m praying, and really, those words are so empty anyway? But as I clicked away, that didn’t feel right, either. Please know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of so many every day.
Dawn says:
Oh Heather. My heart breaks for you and Mike.
I am a divorced mom and I say “Good Morning” to a picture of my boys on the days that I don’t have them. I can’t imagine…I simply can’t imagine having to say it to an urn.
My thoughts and prayers are with you daily as you continue this struggle.
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..Stress Relief =-.
Kim says:
Thinking of you, and wishing you peace. xo
Michelle S says:
Hi, Heather.
Just want you to know your family is never far from my thoughts, and always in my prayers.
~Michelle from Cincinnati, Ohio
Melissa says:
This, as with many of your posts, brought me to tears. You are always in my thoughts.
Fondly,
Melissa
Mary Ann says:
That was beautiful, eloquent, and heartbreaking at the same time. Sending you hugs and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers – I am speechless.
Alexandra :) says:
That was one of your most beautiful posts ever. And who knows? Maybe she will hear it if you read it to her.
Lori says:
My heart aches for you and your loss. Praying for you and your family as you walk this long road….knowing that Maddie is watching from Heaven above…loving you right back…..
Maria says:
It feels like a nightmare every.single.time. I think of it.
So I cannot imagine what it feels like for you.
I’m so sorry you and Mike are living through this. Love you both. Love Maddie.
.-= Maria´s last blog ..Paging Dr. Twitter =-.
Shelley says:
I wish I had the words to express how absolutely heartwrenchingly beautiful this post is. You are an amazing writer and an awesome mommy to both of your girls. As I’m sure many people have said please remember that Maddies’ spirit and love for you is not in *there*.
Hugs from Florida
Debby says:
I don’t know how you make it from one day to the next. My heart aches for your sorrow.
This is not the way you should have to say goodmorning and goodnight to your little Maddie. ((HUGS))
.-= Debby´s last blog ..HOLY CRAP BATMAN =-.
Zak says:
It’s so very unfair.
Hugs.
.-= Zak´s last blog ..For A Friend =-.
Tina says:
God hold you and keep you.
I am so much more than sorry, devestated maybe.
I am trying to hide my tears from my kids right now.
I hope to never know your pain.
You are a GREAT person.
Always in my prayers
kim~CraftyMamaof4 says:
crying with you everyday, and sending hugs
.-= kim~CraftyMamaof4´s last blog ..Fancast is Fantastic =-.
Sarah M. says:
God bless you.
JAR says:
That was a beautiful post. I wish that no one had to outlive their child.
Molly says:
There are no words, Heather. It is just so unjust that anybody should have to do this. Wishing you peace.
Rachael says:
There isn’t much I can say, so I’ll just say I’m thinking of you, and big hugs to you.
.-= Rachael´s last blog ..Sick and Tired =-.
Robin says:
I cannot even imagine what you and your family have been through in the last 6mos. The pain, disbelief and anger must be unbearable. Reading your blog though has given me a new perspective on both life and parenting. I notice the small things more and cherish them. You are in my thoughts.
.-= Robin´s last blog ..Cuddles =-.
Amanda says:
Beautiful…brought tears to my eyes.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..When I light my candle tonight =-.
Marti from Michigan says:
Tears in my eyes too. The REAL Maddie is not in the urn…….her remains are in the urn. The real Maddie is in Heaven with Jesus. Her spirit is in Heaven and according to the Bible, she is wearing a white robe. When we die, we no longer need our earthly bodies which are shells. The REAL us is the spirit inside of us that we all have, another name for that is our souls.
You can look up at the clouds, the stars, the treetops and talk to Maddie. You can sit on a bench in the park and talk to her, and she will hear you. I believe that Maddie will always be close to you and Mike, you just can’t see her because she is a spirit.
My prayers continue for you.
Ann says:
Oh Heather! That is heartbreaking! Please don’t think of Maddie in the urn. She is NOT inside the urn. She is all around you, loving you, smelling you, kissing you, watching over you. I’m sure of that. Bless you.
Jennifer says:
oh gosh, heart-wrenching.
I keep thinking of my daughter (23 months) dying and having to pick out her urn. I’m about to go in her room and wake her up!!
I admire your strength and ability to go on. I hope you can enjoy Binky and get comfort from her, not as a replacement, but as another love of your life.
Kelly says:
Don’t ever clean away the tears. Keep loving your baby daughter with all your heart. I will keep praying for you with all of mine.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..MexiCAN Pizza (it’s easy!) =-.
Carolyn says:
I never comment, but I always read.
Today i was literally made sick by this post. I cannot fathom your pain. My mind won’t even let me think about what I would do in your situation. I look down at my beautiful baby girl. I touch her warm skin and can feel her mouth move as she nurses herself to sleep. I think of how unfair life is for you. I am so sad for you.
I am forever grateful to have you serve as a constant reminder for me to appreciate my children. I have come to appreciate the simplest of things, even the things that used to annoy me.
Thank you Heather.
Haley says:
This is beautiful…and heart wrenching.
I’m so sorry she’s gone.
.-= Haley´s last blog ..WW- Sleeping Edition =-.
Nanette says:
Hug, mama. Lots and lot of hugs.
.-= Nanette´s last blog ..Sweet dreams =-.
Kristy says:
Dearest Heather,
Until one year, three months and 13 days ago I found it weird and even a little bit morbid that people would keep their loved ones ashes. That is, until my son passed away. Now, sadly, I get it. I get how completely out of my control his death was. I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t fix it. He left us and I had no say in it. When I brought him home. For whatever reason I felt like I was finally going to be able to keep him safe. No one was going to have a say anymore about what was to happen to him. ( maybe that sounds crazy?) And like you, I talk to Ethan all the time. I’ll be folding clothes on my bed and just start talking. Not about anything exciting but rather about the daily “things” going on. “Things” that he should be here for. I find comfort having him home….mixed in with alot of sadness and “what-if’s”.
I have been reading your blog for quite awhile now. Heather? Thank you! Thank you for sharing your heart and soul with us every single day. I wish I could take even an ounce of your pain away but I know I can’t. I am sure all of your readers wish they could too! We “see” and feel your pain in every writing. We all wish that the words we write were more eloquent or even written half as good as they often sound in our heads…:) But I hope you know that we all love you and Mike. And we are all here. We hurt with you. We cry with you. We laugh with you. Your never alone. Sending you lots of love and hugs….always.
lisa wood says:
tears are coming fast and strong. You are amazing, and my heart and love is sent to you.
Wish i could have the words to say.
Much love Lisa
.-= lisa wood´s last blog ..House For Sale Queensland =-.
maya says:
Beautifully written.
.-= maya´s last blog ..Off to the Farm We Go =-.
Carolyn Bahm says:
My heart breaks as I read this beautifully written piece about your grief and love for your daughter and how you are moving through your daily life right now.
Peace and best wishes to you ~
.-= Carolyn Bahm´s last blog ..10 Tips on Apologizing =-.
Sue says:
I’ve read this two times today and cried both times. My heart breaks for you two.
.-= Sue´s last blog ..Prop 8 =-.
Jenny @ http://motherlawyercrazywoman.blogspot.com/ says:
I am crying for you. Heather, be strong and keep writing.
.-= Jenny @ http://motherlawyercrazywoman.blogspot.com/´s last blog ..People … =-.
tara says:
heather…i never know what to say when i come here and i always end up saying the same thing. but i hope you know that i am always listening and i am ALWAYS thinking of you, mike, maddie and binky. you inspire me every day, and at the same time, i am SO SORRY that you do, because nobody should ever have to go through what you and mike & your families are going through. always sending you love and hugs…xo
Amanda says:
Thank you for letting us share in these special moments of time. Thank you for being real and not trying to mask your emotions. Most of all thank you for letting us love your Maddie.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..A small request… =-.
Jan says:
Powerful. Heartbreaking. Makes me truly thankful for my life and that of my child. Peace be with you.
.-= Jan´s last blog ..thrifty love =-.
Momma Uncensored says:
wow.
.-= Momma Uncensored´s last blog ..damn straight =-.
Rosa says:
Totally in tears.
Michelle W says:
No matter well you describe these moments, no matter how much I “imagine” myself dealing with such a loss I can never comprehend the depth. I wish my words had some power, I wish when I told you how sorry I am it would somehow make you feel a fraction better.
Denise Jones says:
Heather, you really do have a beautiful gift for writing. Have you considered turning this into a book? The proceeds could be used to help others in similar situations, and help those yet unborn achieve a healthy start in life. Love and prayers to all of you.
Stacy says:
This is a beautiful post I am a first time reader and i would like to say i’m sorry for your loss…2 years ago my sister in law had a still birth and she never had the chance to enjoy her baby boy..instead of putting his ashes in an Urn, she put it in a doll. I know it sounds strange but the ashes are in a box inside the doll it reminds us that he is always here with us. I think it would be an excellent idea for you to have a little doll and dress it up in her clothes and things. I know it sounds strange again but it works for us we see that little doll and it comforts us and makes it seem like he is always there…we even dressed him up today for halloween. Your daughter is not gone she is right next to you..But it’s just a suggestion i think that your maddie doll would be the cutest =]
Alli says:
Wow, I am speechless. Beautiful. You are an amazing writer.
~Hugs from TX
.-= Alli´s last blog ..Long Time No Blog =-.