I have a tab at the top of my blog about my love of Photography. I’ve carried a camera with me since the year I graduated from college. I learned early on that keeping a camera with me was the best way to capture memories. When my friend Dana got an SLR, I was totally inspired. After Madeline was born, I hounded Mike for my own SLR, and being awesome, he gave me one for my birthday last year.
I used to think that having that camera changed the way I looked at the world. Now I know that it was Maddie that changed my view. Everything they say about seeing things through the eyes of a child is true.
It was easy to take good pictures with Maddie as my subject. She loved the camera, always mugging and turning on her megawatt smile. My lens loved her delicate features.
My favorite thing was showing her the pictures I took. Once I loaded everything onto my computer, she’d sit on my lap and I’d tell her the name of everything we looked at. She’d clap her hands and attempt to repeat every word I said.
The last picture I took with my camera was this one:
We went to the park on April 4th, after we left a birthday party. I took pictures of Maddie with the intention of getting one of her and I together (I got this wonderful one of Mike and Maddie earlier in the day). Unfortunately, my battery died right after I took this picture. I never went out with a low battery. I’m still mad at myself.
I hadn’t picked up my camera since Maddie passed. I couldn’t imagine looking through a lens at a world without her in it.
But I knew Maddie wouldn’t like that. She would want me to take pictures of things, and tell her about everything I saw. So today, I picked up my camera. My parents have a grape vine in their backyard, and new grapes are starting to grow.
I loaded the pictures onto my computer, and then I started telling Maddie everything. “Maddie Moo, these are the baby grapes that are growing on the vine at Gramma and Bampa’s house. I don’t think you ever had a grape, but you would have made the funniest face when you tasted it’s sour sweetness. You would have loved how warm it was today. We would have sat outside all day and laughed as Rigby chased leaves and barked at birds.”
I don’t know how I’m going to do this without my baby.
Rebecca says:
Heather,
I have loved photography for a while too. It was after one of my twin boys was still born, last year, that I picked up my husband’s digital camera in earnest and then got myself a pro flickr account. Now I am on the cusp of submitting some work to an exhibition.
Your photos of Maddie (and your family) have always been wonderful. Full of spirit (theirs and yours) and love. If you can keep taking photos through this I am sure it will help you on your tough journey. It certainly helped me.
My thoughts have been with you often since I heard your news.
Amy says:
That picture of Maddie is amazing. She seems to radiate beauty, energy, and love. The picture of the grapes has the same glow, which I take as a sign that her energy and love is still all around you, and will always be.
(((hugs)))
Amy’s last blog post..Baby Chicks!
Christina says:
It goes without saying…your daughter is beautiful…a glowing adorable little girl. I had laughed out loud a few weeks ago when you posted that pic of Madeline in the yellow dress on Twitter and posted it with the tag, “I wish my kid was cuter”! Yeah right. As a mother of 2 boys I’ve always envied you and your Maddie. The outfits…the sassiness…the spunk! My heart just aches for you and I hope that the love of your friends and family wraps tightly around you and Mike in the coming months. I’m glad to see you return to Twitter, your blog, and your photography. Lots and lots and even more love to you.
Nina says:
I have never lost a child, so I cannot begin to extrapolate your experience, but I do know this about loss and grief: that you just keep moving. Putting one foot in front of the other. And whether you stumble or sail through a day, it doesn’t matter. The most important thing is to hang on, and keep going on, and eventually it doesn’t feel like such a chore.
I lost my father when I was a child. And for me, when the initial grief abated, the biggest part of my sadness was that there had been man who had gone from the world – this person I adored, who made me laugh, who was so special to me, that I had no way to communicate to the world about because amongst other things, we didn’t have internet then.
What I had most wanted to say back then, what I have most wanted to say through the years was : This is who he was. And who I loved and why. This is the way he sang, this is the shade of blue his eyes were. This is who was here, for a while. And I remember.
And even though I didn’t know Maddie, I remember.
Nina’s last blog post..If Matei could write a diary
Jamie says:
Maddie is beautiful. The image of her in yellow is stunning! She certainly had a glow about her that emitted such spunk and charisma. I am not sure if it because I have read your blog too much but I genuinely relate to you as a mother. My daughter is just a couple of months younger than Maddie. I have become a “helicopter” mom, never wanting to miss a single second or take anything for granted. I too, love my camera and taking pictures of my precious little girl. She poses without direction and often times will cry when it is not pointed at her! I cannot imagine not having her with me. It leaves me in tears at the thought of how difficult this is for you!! Thank you for sharing this difficult time with us. Thank you for reminding me how precious this time is with my daughter. I never worry about the silly things anymore!
Noelle says:
Heather, your grace and strength are carrying Maddie forward, cradled softly in your heart–and in the hearts of the lucky millions with whom you shared her story. Your tiny cherub made the world a brighter place, and her light will continue to shine through you.
Noelle’s last blog post..Take A Bow/Hip Mom Jewelry Contest
gwen says:
i had never read your blog before i heard of your tragedy.
i came here, to see and reflect and understand. and, i was totally captivated. that probably sounds terrible, but i’m trying to say something else. it was overwhelmingly sad to read through your archives, and Maddie’s entrance to the world. I cried. It sounds morbid, putting it in words, but part of it was the vibrancy of the pictures and the smiles, and the videos. i wasn’t drawn in by your tragedy. i was drawn in by her life, and your depictions. I haven’t been able to comment before. everything i have to say seems so terribly paltry.
but, because your pictures, and your videos, and your changed vision, my life has been touched and changed. i can only imagine that the same is true for so many others.
i could never suggest that you owe anyone anything, and when i tell you that i think you’re amazing, and that you and Mike and Maddie have changed the world, it’s not a complete stranger informing you of a potential you’re obliged to use. it’s a potential you’ve fulfilled. and a change you’ve already created in the world. but, it’s a beautiful thing, and if you continue, i hope it helps you.
thank you. for sharing your family, and your love, and your light. i don’t know how to help, but i think i accurately speak for those here, that if you ever need anything… we’d be glad to help. i know i would.
Nancy says:
Hi Heather, you don’t know me but we’re in the same *club* … First, I’m so sorry for the pain you’re having to go through. Secondly, how you’ll get through – by taking it a second @ a time. At this point there is no hour from now – your’re doing good getting through the next five minutes.
Be kind to yourself – you deserve ALL the time you need.
Sending HUGE hugs your way.
Nancy in Illinois
Mel says:
Heather,
Your courage, honesty, authenticity, realness and complete rawness has touched me like no one else I can remember!
Maddie and your family have touched the hearts of my friends and family, even down here in Australia, as I’m sure the rest of the world and the universe.
Thank- you for sharing.
In my thoughts
Bec says:
I wish I had wonderful words to make it all better, or even just a little better. I was always a little jealous of the number of photos you have of Maddie and wished I was as motivated to do that with Erin. Now I’m so grateful that you have them and I’m inspired to take more. To lug my camera with me even though it’s huge and heavy.
You are never far from my thoughts and my heart still (and always will) aches for your loss. Tomorrow when I go speak about Erin’s birth I’ll be wearing purple for Maddie. All my love.
Bec’s last blog post..Our big day
amanda says:
I know that Maddie is listening to you as you tell her about the pics you have taken. I really do believe that. She’s with you, carrying you through this impossible time. I LOVE that photo of her. It’s absolutely gorgeous.
amanda’s last blog post..the smell of the greasepaint, the roar of the crowd
jane says:
I’m keeping you in my prayers and sending hopes of strengh and peace your way. Jane
jane’s last blog post..HOLDING MY BREATH
Kristen says:
I don’t think I’ve ever seen grapes that tiny… How fascinating. I bet she loves hearing about the world from your perspective.
Kathryn in Berlin says:
What a beautiful picture of Maddie. I love how she’s so sun kissed in that picture. I think my daughter has that same yellow dress and it is my favorite. So cheery and vibrant…just makes me happy!
I so admire your strength, grace and calmness and your ability to write such wonderful posts before and now. I think if it were me, I’d still be looking for plates to smash in my house just to get my anger out. You amaze me!
Kathryn in Berlin’s last blog post..Where to start? Part One of our vacation- Vegas
Ben says:
The passing of your Maddie has touched me in ways that I cannot even begin to understand. I think about you and Mike and Maddie all the time. I worry about you.
But then I see how you are surrounded by love and I don’t worry as much. I’m sure you feel very alone. But your friends will hold you up. Maddie will help you find a direction. She got you to pick up that camera, didn’t she?
Anna Marie Hinnant says:
Keep taking your beautiful pictures and keep telling Maddie all about them. Maybe that will help a tiny bit with the pain and loss you are feeling.
Anna Marie Hinnant’s last blog post..For Maddie
Cynthiabu says:
I don’t know either. I think about you so many times throughout the day. I have emotions for you, someone I have never met, only followed in your blog and I watched Maddie grow. My heart aches for you and Mike and I wish I could say something that could cheer you up. Even writing this I tear up because I just want to comfort you. Just know that I am thinking of you and praying for you. I think of Maddie as a true angel, I always have.
Love to you,
Cynthiabu
tiff says:
Maddie is beautiful.
Your beautiful sunkissed girl.
I have lost a baby. I know how weird the world seems afterwards. I picked up my camera about three months after, its weight heavy in my hands but when I looked through the lens, I saw colour and beauty and it did help in my healing, to explore the world that way.
tiff’s last blog post..The circus.
Kelley says:
Everything about this–a child dying so young–is wrong. Maddie is vibrant and so ALIVE in your photos. It doesn’t make sense now that she went away, and maybe it never will. However, I pray that you will, as time moves ridiculously on, learn to find some things that are still right with the world. I’m so glad you listened to Maddie’s spirit and took that photo of the amazingly tiny grapes. May you always find a way to commune with your breathtaking daughter. And thank you for continuing to share your journey.
–Kelley in GA
serenity says:
Sending love and hugs and peace to you through the blogosphere.
xxx
serenity’s last blog post..Oooooo, that smell… Can’t you smell that smell?
Fairly Odd Mother says:
That photo of Maddie is my favorite—I love the glow around her.
I’ve lost my father (which is nothing like losing a child; I don’t want you to think I’m trying to equate the two) and I often feel like he ‘drops in’ to remind me of something or just to let me know he’s watching over me. I’d like to believe that Maddie is listening to you talk about the grapes and will pucker her little mouth with you when you try the first one of the season.
But, oh how I wish that things could be different for you.
Fairly Odd Mother’s last blog post..TV Turnoff Week: Day 1, 8:00am, and already an Epic FAIL
Christy says:
Thank you for allowing us to go through this journey with you. Thank you for continuing to share your beautiful Maddie. She is such a ray of sunshine in that picture!
Christy’s last blog post..Astros game and more! (picture updates)
Katie says:
I don’t know how you’re going to do this without her, either, and I wish you didn’t have to. As a mom, I can’t imagine your pain and I wish I could make it all better so you’d have your girl back in your arms again. I am so sorry. She was a beautiful little girl.
Catherine Lucas says:
Tearing up again at the photograph of Maddie… Truly a sunkissed child. Maybe she is in a place, looking upon you, and nodding when you tell her things. It might be a lame comfort, but any comfort is better then nothing.
Photography and your creative side might be of support, as it brings you in touch with your feelings. Madeline is in spirit still with you in all those photographs…
Silly thought in the bigger context: make sure you have backups in different places, different houses, as the photographs are Maddy in a way…
Try to keep shooting… and do keep telling Maddy about it.
Catherine Lucas’s last blog post..
Adventures In Babywearing says:
Oh my goodness your photos are amazing. So are your words.
Steph
Krissy says:
I cannot help to think that she is still smiling and laughing in Heaven, with her Maker, just like in that gorgeous picture. She reminded me of the sun when I saw that portrait. She is beaming, glowing and radiant.
Just like the sun.
I wish there was a cure for heartache. Our only hope is to remember that you will be with sweet Maddie again, in Heaven. And for now, she is still with you in soul.
Krissy’s last blog post..I wanna win OhMommy’s GiveAway.
pillarr1 says:
I am so happy to see you doing things that you know Maddie loved. You will somehow find a way to continue on and be happy in life. You have the best inspiration – little Maddie. Those were the best months of your life. Could you imagine a life never having had Maddie in your life? That is the cutest picture! How she could light up a camera.
Kylie says:
Hi Heather
I found your blog through another one I follow frequently. I have a little boy similiar age to Maddie and could not imagine life without him. Just the short amount of time here on this earth, they change your world forever. The quality time you spent with Maddie is absolutely amazing and I think you are a wonderful person! She would have had the best life Heather. The photos you took, the blogs you wrote, incredible! Your Maddie will always be around you and you will always be her mum. Don’t stop taking photos, don’t stop blogging, we love hearing about Maddie.
You are an amazing person!
Love to your family!! xxxx
Jennifer Andes says:
The picture of Maddie is beautiful – she looks so happy and full of life. Thank you for sharing that picture. Continue taking pictures and talking to Maddie about them. She’s listening, and watching over you – you will see her inspiration in the pictures you take.
Karen says:
Dear Heather and Mike and Rigby. I wish you peace and love. Maddie was such a loved person–I can see it in your posts and photos–and she returned that love with her beautiful smile and sassiness. I’m glad you’ve picked up your camera again, Heather, and I hope it helps. Keep talking to Maddie. I wish you comfort.
mrs.chicken says:
Beautiful. You, and her, and the photographs.
Keep breathing, keep talking to her.
We’re listening, so is she.
MBKimmy says:
I wish I could tell you that you are going to make this with ease … knowing that she is in heaven and with your Great Grandma, Great Aunt and Grandma ( I think those were the 3 great ladies) but I can’t. I have NO idea how you are functioning … yes I do! You are doing it all for her! For Maddie. She has raised awarness for March of Dimes, and I KNOW that she has helped a unknown amoutn of people find God. I am sure that it is HARD to love God or trust God right now, but in the end there will be a reason … we you understand that reason … I hope you do. I don’t know if I could, but I sure would try my best.
Hugs and Kisses and most of all ALL of my prayers!
MBKimmy’s last blog post..Great day
Jess says:
I too wish that I had the magic words that would help magically make everything better. The words that could take away the pain and ease the injustice. But instead, just know that there are so many of us reading about this journey and hoping and praying for you. We’re sending all of our positive energy and caring thoughts. Thank you for continuing to write, for continuing to photograph, for continuing to share.
Gillian says:
I don’t know how you’ll do it either. God, she was so pretty. Yellow – it seems the right color for your sunny girl.
Have you been to Glow in the Woods? http://www.glowinthewoods.com, I think it is. A community of women writers who are looking for light in the dark, after losses like yours. It might not be for you, but it might help.
This is an entirely different pain, but my mother’s mother passed away young, 32 years ago, and my mother still talks to her out loud.
Gillian’s last blog post..Preponderance
Jamie says:
Maddie is so beautiful, Heather. I think so every time I’ve seen that picture. Your talent with the camera is very obvious. It’s a gift.
And I think the thing is, you are doing it. It’s hard as hell, but you’re doing it. Right now. You picked up your camera because it’s what you do and who you are and you did it. It was hard and you might have been scared or anxious but you still did it.
I haven’t lost a child, but in two years my Mom will be gone two years. I know it’s not the same, but I know that sucking vortex of grief and every day you manage to get your one foot in front of the other should count as a positive.
Still thinking of you and Mike and Maddie, praying for your peace and the strength you need to get by.
Jamie’s last blog post..Menu Plan Monday
Janet says:
You are so incredibly strong!!! You have already amazed me in so many ways, i continue to pray for healing and peace for you and your husband..
Janet’s last blog post..
Sabrina in Philly says:
The picture of Maddie is Beautiful~
You take beautiful pictures, maybe use your love for photography to help you get by day by day…second by second. Take them and tell your Maddie about them, when you are feeling at your worse.
Talking to her, Mike and your family and friends (fellow bloggers) is the only way to get through the days, hours and seconds. Through these foggy days……
You can do it~
For Maddie, your sweet baby!
Sabrina in Philly’s last blog post..Ladies only
Shannon Kieta says:
Heather…
I come to your blog every day. I feel like I know you so well. My arms are wrapped around you so tightly I am sure you feel them. You just lost your daughter and I just lost my sister. Say I will send a message for my sister to look after Maddie. I am sure they are watching over us. This all sucks so much. I can’t even imagine the pain. I feel and cry every day for you. Even though we may have never met, you are my friend, like you said in your previous post, I am here for you, we all are. I wish you comfort and peace in your photography. Know that it brings you peace in having something that connects you to your daughter. Luv Ya! Shannon
Kristin says:
Heather and Mike,
I am another mom who doesn’t know you but found your site through the Bloggess and Matt Logelin. I am truly touched by your words and pictures. I am sure Maddie is looking down with her beautiful smile as you describe the world around you. And keep capturing all around you on your camera. I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers as you continue on your journey.
Kristin’s last blog post..3 Months Old
Jodee says:
As usual I am crying.. I don’t know how you are staying so strong. I pray that God is comforting and holding you during this time. I pray and think about you daily with so much love even though I never knew Maddie. This little girl has so touched me I cry almost every day .. It makes me hold my own Kyboo and Mason all the harder. I don’t have the words but I am sending you and Mike love today….
Jodee’s last blog post..ATTENTION…. I HAVE A NEW BLOG ADDRESS
Shauna says:
She’s so stinking beautiful. What an amazing child. Lots of love being sent your way, now and always.
Shauna’s last blog post..Dear Sweet Maddie
Colleen in Toronto says:
My daughter Alexandra was born 1 day before your beautiful Maddie (Nov. 10, 2007). After reading your blog I realized i need to capture more in pictures, I need to stop and slow down and enjoy this beautiful gift i’ve been given and let the housework lapse and skip work the odd day so we can have more time together. I can’t imagine living my life without her, she is my very soul that walks outside my body. She is my best friend, the love of my life. Your pictures show all of us the love you have for Maddie. There is no doubt that she felt that love with her mega watt smile and bright sun shining eyes. At the end of your post you said, “I don’t know how i’m going to do this without my baby” I cried for you right here at my desk, in the middle of the office and I didn’t care who seen me. I’ve told everyone about Maddie, about this beautiful little girl and her dedicated parents who have changed the lives of so many people that they’ll probably never know. I can’t imagine your pain, I can’t imagine your sorrow, I can only hope that it lessens a little each day.
Your family is forever in my thoughts.
jv says:
sending you a hug…
oncRN says:
you gave her such a wonderful life. all that goodness and love you shared just radiates from her. i’m so very sorry you need to live life without her. i am one of the millions praying for you.
oncRN’s last blog post..news
Emily says:
You are such a wonderful mother. Reading your blog is an inspiration to me. My heart breaks for your loss and the emptiness you must feel. Please know I think of you and Mike often and pray for your strength. God bless you.
Linda in Canada says:
I love reading your posts about Maddie. I always will.
Hugs from Canada
Tanya Thompson says:
Hi, I started following your blog a little while ago. I am very sorry for your loss.
I started following your blog because I could relate to having a premie baby. I had my son at 30 weeks gestation due to severe preeclampsia, and he’s had a string of respitory problems, which are very scary.
I have told many people about your story and about your maddie. My blog is purple to honor her memory. She will never be forgotten and you are in my heart and prayers.
Tanya
Tanya Thompson’s last blog post..Back in my pj’s
Christine says:
Oh Heather, thinking of you and Mike, often. Good for you for picking up the camera. I only wish I had an answer to your last sentence.
Christine’s last blog post..The daytime of the night…
Jennifer says:
Hi Heather–You definitely have a talent for photography. That pic of Maddie is so beautiful–just glowing! And the grapes buds are beautiful too. I can’t even imagine what you are going through and feeling right now–but I encourage you to keep bringing your camera and taking pictures. Maddie will inspire you.
Jennifer’s last blog post..Gooser Party
Mary says:
Someone said earlier that you just get through the next second, the next hour, the next day. We can’t know exactly what you need, if it’s comfort, empathy, honesty, spirituality to help you get through. I offer you and your family all of those in whatever measure you need them. You will make it through because that’s what needs to be done. You will do it for your daughter and you will find reserves of strength you had no idea you possessed. Let yourself grieve, cry, scream…all if it, for as long as you need. There’s no map, there’s no timetable. We will all continue to lift you up and hold you in our hearts as you go through it.
Thank you for sharing your lives with us. Hopefully we can help you as you find your way through this.
Prayers and many, many hugs and support.
Mary
Maya says:
words escape me. I only have emotions left. You will get through this, one day at a time. You will notice beauty in things you wouldnt have seen before… all through Maddie’s eyes.
Corinne Cooper says:
I’m not even sure what to say…I just want you to know that you have so many strangers (Friends) thinking of you & greiving for Miss Maddie right along with you. I cant get Maddie out of my thoughts, her smile & those eyes just captivated me & drew me in to your story as soon as I saw here picture a few months ago. I have cried at the loss of Maddie like she was my own, & in a small way she was all of ours since you were so kind to let us all into her life & share her with your readers. I hope you find comfort in your memories & they wrap themselves around you during the times you are not sure that you can go on another day.
Tiffany says:
I can’t summon any words that would comfort you near enough. Your story has touched my heart and makes it ache for your loss. What beautiful priceless pictures you have, all proof of the amazing life you gave Maddie! What a beautiful, beautiful life!
Tiffany’s last blog post..The Day the Rabbits were born….
Anna says:
I’m glad you got your camera out and took some pictures. You and Mike are amazing people. The rest of my words are pretty inadequate, so I guess I’ll just leave it at that.
Anna’s last blog post..Coming Attractions
Amy says:
I think it is wonderful that you are able to pick up your camera and take pictures. It is the small steps of every day living that will help you make it through each day. Today it was taking pictures and talking to Maddie… tomorrow it will be something else that feels right at that moment in time. Moment by moment…. you CAN do this. Even if the minutes, hours, days feel unbearable… you CAN do this. So many of us are here for you. Keep sharing and feeling with us… we are all here to help lift you (and Mike!) up with our love, thoughts, good wishes, etc.
Suzanne says:
Beautiful photos and beautiful words. I don’t take photos or write creatively for a living. But I think part of being a good writer — a good artist in any medium — is appreciating the beauty that, although it is everywhere, most people ignore in their daily shuffle. You have a talent for seeing this beauty and waking us up to its presence. None of us would have known about Maddie if you had not photographed her or written about her. We fell in love with her because you so perfectly expressed the beauty that lived inside her, and the beauty of your relationship with her.
I don’t know how you’ll keep taking pictures and writing. But you are doing it anyway. Maybe that’s how — you just do it anyway, even though every second is filled with agony and longing. I don’t know, Heather. If I could hold your hand through it all, I would.
Even though it hurts to read your words, see your pictures, and thereby share your pain, I honestly cling to every post and photo. You help me to see things more clearly, and to appreciate the beauty and understand the pain of life. So thank you. I’m thinking of you and Mike and Maddie.
Debby says:
This is a beautiful start, one day at a time.
Debby’s last blog post..Quick takes of a rambling mind….
Maria says:
Heather, keep sharing, keep letting it out. We’re listening, and we care. So. Much.
Sitting here on the opposite coast what feels like a gazillion miles away, crying and snotting into my laundry. For as long as you say it hurts, that you’re in pain, that you miss her so much, I’ll keep listening.
Love love love to you and Mike.
Maria’s last blog post..the tide
Kelly says:
my photography is so important to me but i could imagine how you would lose your inspiration after losing maddie. i’m glad you are able to pick up your camera again. we’re still praying for you!
Kelly’s last blog post..Please Pray
Susan says:
I don’t have the first clue how to deal with the loss of a child. But please know that we’re here to help you in any way we can. You and your family remain in my prayers.
Susan’s last blog post..What Else Don’t I Know???
AMomTwoBoys says:
I’ll sit down with Zach and show him what you take photos of*. We’ll also look at pictures of Maddie so he can point and squeal and grow up knowing her. Just like he would have otherwise.
I love you. You inspire me in so many ways.
*Maybe he’ll actually start talking finally.
AMomTwoBoys’s last blog post..People…People Who Need People
ginabad says:
I can offer nothing but my prayers and a virtual hug. Maddie is so beautiful and she has touched so many. Thank you for sharing your journey. I can see you treasured every moment, a lesson for all of us parent. Namaste, Heather.
ginabad’s last blog post..Guest Post: Campus Security & Mental Health Expert Carolyn Wolf Discusses America’s Schools & Columbine
Shelly says:
I found your blog through amalah.com and my heart breaks for you and your husband a little more every time I read your blog. But your strength and courage never ceases to amaze me. The pictures of Maddie take my breath away, such a precious beautiful little angel. Many prayers are with you now and in the coming days. May you always feel Maddie’s spirit in your heart.
Bethany says:
That is an adorable picture of Maddie– your family has been in my thoughts every day lately, and I’m sure it will continue for a while. Maddie would have wanted you to pick up the camera again, and I’m proud of you. Praying for you always.
Bethany’s last blog post..Country Girl Goes Home
Amber says:
That photo of Maddie just radiates beauty and happiness. How lucky she was to have you and Mike as parents! You taught her so much in life, now sit back and let her lead you as only she can.
Amber’s last blog post..
Daddy Dan says:
Heather,
I think those pictures you took of Maddie in the yellow dress ate some of the best pictures you’ve taken of her, and that’s saying a lot. You have thousands of wonderful shots of her.
Now stop making me tear up on the train. The other riders are starting to think I’m nuts!
Amazing Greis says:
(((HUGS))) to you, now and for ALWAYS!!!!!
Amazing Greis’s last blog post..Today an ANGEL was laid to rest…
Lisa says:
I’m glad you took some pictures and told Maddie about them. She was so photogenic and I loved seeing pictures of her.
I think I mentioned this on twitter yesterday, but you will see her in the beauty of the world.
Lisa’s last blog post..Weaning from Before Nap Nursing Session: Day One
Mary in AZ says:
I love the yellow dress pic and the one of Maddie and Mike is fabulous. I’m praying for both of you constantly these days. ~Hugs~
Danes says:
I love you, and will walk next to you – cameras in hand – and just love on you. Always.
leel says:
i was so glad to see you had picked up your camera again. it must have been very difficult. but it is something you are so great at, and something creative to help soothe your soul, if even for the few seconds you are distracted by settings and composition, cropping and editing. you need that. and maddie would SO want you to continue.
how do you do this? just day by day, or minute by minute if that’s how it feels right now. no rush. grieving is hard. and lean… that’s what friends, and families are for, remember?
hugs to you
Karen Sugarpants says:
Big squishy hugs from Canada. One day at a time, sweetheart. xo
Karen Sugarpants’s last blog post..Twitter is Ruining Mah Brainz
Ellen says:
I want to comment, to add my name to the list of those supporting you, but I really don’t know what to say. Your words leave me wordless. I’ll just keep reading, keep commenting, keep thinking about Maddie, about you, about Mike, about pictures.
Ellen’s last blog post..If this doesn’t make you smile
Bettina says:
You’ll get through this with Maddie’s help, you’ll probably never know how to do it, but you’ll do it. Already, picking up the camera is a step, waking up is a step, breathing is a step. Every step is a step. You are doing everything you can, and you are doing it……..
Kellee says:
Yes, one day at a time, you beautiful thing. I have no doubt that if you let it, your camera will help you. Some sort of creative outlet can’t do anything but help. And that picture you took was really beautiful. Keep going.
Molly says:
You are doing a great job, Heather. Keep going. You are not alone.
Molly’s last blog post..The way my 2009 is going
Amanda says:
That beautiful last picture _is_ a picture of you and Maddie together, because she was looking at you and all that love and joy in her face was in response to you.
My heart goes out to you and your family as you cope with this unimaginable loss.
Angie says:
“Sour sweetness.” Thank you so much for sharing.
Laura says:
Count me in as one of those that you do not know – but I too wanted to let you know that you and Mike and Maddie have been in my thoughts, Heather. sending you warmth, strength and love.
IowaJenny says:
What a precious baby girl, its almost as if she has a glow around her delicate curls of hair. You continue to be in my thoughts and we hold you close to our hearts as you bravely take one day at a time… we are with you.
Just Jiff says:
You’ve taken some wonderful photos of precious Maddie. I enjoy looking at every one of them.
Just Jiff’s last blog post..Got Hobbies? **LONG POST**
mc says:
You and Maddie have been in my prayers every night. Sending you love and hugs thru the internet.
dmaris says:
Maybe you don’t realize it but you ARE doing it. Baby steps. I’m so so so sorry for your loose. I really can’t even imagine.
Jeanette says:
Maddie will always be with you. Not in a way where you can hug her or touch her, but in your heart, your memories, your unending love for her.
As I’ve said before, you never stop being a mommy. You’ll always be Maddie’s Mommy.
Dawn says:
Well.
How?
Yer just gonna do it. You wrote a blog post. You took that first picture. You woke up this morning. You take the next breath. It’s all painful. When it’s not painful, it’s probably gonna be painful because you realized it wasn’t painful.
Sigh.
xoxobeesh.
Dawn’s last blog post..Boozeday – Revirginator
Kristin says:
Beautiful picture of a beautiful girl. I’m just another reader you don’t know who has been weeping along with you. My little fellow was born Nov 07, and we spent a few days in the NICU.
gretchen says:
My daughter has several Madeline dolls……………..they remind me of your beautiful Madeline. A stranger in New York is thinking of you.
diane says:
I’m so sorry.
Judy says:
Your pictures are wonderful and all full of life, just keep doing what you love to do and taking life one day at a time. You, Mike and Maddie are in my prayers everyday. I just pray that each time you look at a picture of your beautiful Maddie that you know how much joy she brought to so many lives, people that never would have gotten to know her without your wonderful pictures and words. Hold tight to your love and give yourself and Mike a hug from me.
moosh in indy. says:
*sigh*
budding grapes are kind of ugly aren’t they?
xoxo
moosh in indy.’s last blog post..healing my helplessness.
Patti B. says:
I love that photo of your little sunshine girl One day, one hour, one minute, one breath. Praying for you guys.
Lauri St.Pierre says:
I do not know how you will do it either. I can not imagine trying to. But, you are right, it is what your spunky, gorgeous little girl would want her Mommy and Daddy to do. You will be in our thoughts as you make your way…sharing it all the while with her.
~The St.Pierre’s (Germany)
Karen says:
Maddie is so radiant, so full of life in this picture. It is a testament to the way she saw the world–through your eyes–you showed her so much, and she appreciated it all. What a gift you gave her. And what a gift her smile gives the world.
Heather, Queen of Shake Shake says:
Every time I see that picture of Maddie, I smile. I didn’t even know her, but I miss her. Still thinking of you every day. XOXO
Katie says:
I am so amazed by your strength. I, too, have been touched in undescribable ways by you and your Maddie. I constantly think about you and check multiple times a day for a new blog post. I pray so hard for your pain to be eased, I wish there were some way I could take some of it away. Maddie is so incredibly beautiful, and I have to tell you that I honestly feel her all around. She has impacted a lot of lives and I know she is up there watching her mama and learning about the sour sweetness of the tiny new grapes.
xoxo
Heather @ Domestic Extraordinaire says:
I am glad that you were able to pick up your camera again.
Many hugs!
Heather @ Domestic Extraordinaire’s last blog post..Celebrating the life of Maddie
Susan says:
I believe Maddie will always be with you watching from heaven. She has to be the sweetest most beautiful angel there!
Kate says:
What a great picture of your girl, thinking of you often.
Kimberly Peterson says:
Heather and Mike-
I came across your website by accident after Maddie’s passing. My 7 year old daughter and I have watched the video tribute countless times and I cry uncontrollably every time. My daughter asks lots of questions about Maddie and I try to be as honest as possible. I am recently divorced and have been feeling sorry for myself as now I am a single mother. No more. I am one who believes you will be reunited with Maddie in Heaven someday. Remember there are so many of us out here thinking of you and sending you our love and prayers.
Take care of yourselves, Maddie would want you to go on and be happy and healthy. I know I will never forget her.
Kimberly
Lindsey says:
I think she can still be your muse, in a different way. Just like she made your life so rich, from where she is she will try to make your grief easier. Great picture, keep snapping more.
Love to you both.
Kim Wencl says:
Heather – this is probably the hardest part – figuring out how you can live your life without Maddie. You are certainly entitled to be as sad as you want for as long as you want. But after while you will come to realize that being sad doesn’t change anything. After awhile you may come to realize that the best way to honor Maddie is for you to live a good life – to laugh, to love, and to be joyous for having the wonderful gift of Maddie in your life. Reach out and do whatever you can to make the world a better place and do it in honor of Maddie. It can be as simple as opening the door for someone else or giving them a smile, a nod, a hello. It can be whatever you want it to be – but do it in honor of your daughter.
Keep talking to Maddie Moo … she will talk back to you I promise. Love never dies Heather and the bond that you and Maddie share can never be broken … not even by death.
Blessings from a Mom who’s been in your shoes.
Kim Wencl
kimwencl.com
Kim Wencl’s last blog post..Another Stunning Example
Beth says:
Maddie’s precious little face brings such a smile to my face, even while tears are streaming down my cheeks.
You are in my constant thoughts and prayers.
Lisa says:
I am having a hard time typing past the enormous lump in my throat.
I wish I could take away some of that pain, you are wonderful!
May you heart and soul find some peace and comfort.
Beautiful pictures.
Lisa
badassdad05 says:
As difficult and empty and unhinged as I expect it must feel, you’ve already begun to find your way forward. With every word, shutterclick, every breath you build the life that is to come. Maddie is and will be a part of it. And there will be new parts which in time you’ll be ready to take pleasure in again. To live and love your life and everything around you is not a betrayal of Maddie’s memory. It is how you honor her. And you’re doing a great job.
Michael
badassdad05’s last blog post..do not underestimate the power of the tummy
Emily D says:
Oh, my IRL internet friend whom I have never met…..my heart continues to hurt for you and your husband. Having a baby one day younger than Maddie–I don’t want to say I can’t imagine…because that is so blah..but I can’t imagine….oh my friend, my heart breaks!
My prayer is for the God of our huge universe to comfort your heart. To make it whole again. He can do that and I pray that He will.
Emily D’s last blog post..Oh, and…
Sally Moon says:
DO it for Maddie!
Sally Moon’s last blog post..True Green Lifestyle
Karishma says:
oh god, i can’t even imagine being in your position, it’s like a punch in the gut to even think about it, and it must be multiplied infinitely for you. i’m so very, very sorry. that last picture of your little one is PRECIOUS. keep taking pictures for her, they’ll all travel up to her palace in heaven.
Alison says:
I have no great insight to add, no words of wisdom, no sage advice. Just love and support to send you and Mike’s way. And a hug for Rigby.
Alison’s last blog post..November 11, 2007 – April 7, 2009
cat says:
you’re doing it now
sending love
Amanda says:
I can’t get enough of your little girl…I spend some time every day looking through your blog, twitters, and Flickr. I’ve watched the video several times and last night my husband asked to watch it. We both cried…My daughter is about the same age as little Maddie, her birthday is Oct 9th…My heart totally aches for you. I also have a love of photography thanks to my little Sunshine. Amazing the effect a child can have on you.
I read the blog of another lady who lost her young daughter in a freak drowning accident just over a year ago. She blogs about her grief and how life goes on but always with the prescence of her little Jenna. http://sumijoti.wordpress.com/
Amanda’s last blog post..Menu ~ April 20th
Amanda (@mom23greatgirls) says:
I wrote this yesterday and want to write it again.
How will you do this? Minute by minute – hour by hour – and day by day. That holds true for experiences as well. The first time I did things after I lost my child was for the toughest. As time goes by I found that the instant sadness wanes and in it’s place is something different – I’m not sure how to describe it – because even though you never forget Maddie you will eventually be able to go minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day and the first steps at life after will be done.
Writing helps, talking helps – even if you write and talk the same things over and over again – there are people who will never tire of hearing about Maddie – lean on those people and let them help you by minute by minute.
I know that it might not seem like it but you ARE doing it.
Amanda
@mom23great girls on Twitter
& amanda.h.griffin@suntrust.com (who is just POSITIVE will enjoy their email address being sent over the internet – oh well, it’s for a good reason).
Miss says:
I’m almost pretty damn sure that Maddie was right there with you, enjoying the warm weather and playing with Rigby.
And you’re going to do this because you have to. Maddie wouldn’t want it any other way love.
Miss’s last blog post..Portrait of a Young Woman
mandy says:
beautiful post, beautiful photo, beautiful you.
Denise says:
Oh Heather, you made me smile and tear in one post. Beautiful pictures, beautiful Maddie, beautiful Mama.
Denise’s last blog post..Remembering Columbine: The Impact on a Student Teacher
Renée aka Mekhismom says:
Just know that you are not alone. We love you, I love you.
Ellie says:
Heather,
I am so sorry. I have no words just tears. I pray for you and your family everyday.
tight hugs!!
Ellie
Ellie’s last blog post...This Man.
Insta-Mom says:
I am certain this is little consolation, but because of you, Mike, and Maddie, I pick my camera up more now. I know you hurt. But I also know you have changed me and my family.
Sending love. Every day.
Insta-Mom’s last blog post..Wet and slobbery
photomommy says:
Sending lots of love and virtual hugs your way. ?
photomommy’s last blog post..Weekly Winners ~ April 12 – 18
Brittany says:
I have been reading your blogs now only for a week or two, and I felt the need to say hello and tell you how much your story has impacted me. I went to bed last night thinking of your family. And this morning as I awoke, you were the very first thing on my mind. From a woman longing to someday have a daughter of my own to a woman who has lost hers…you are being held tightly in my heart.
Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com says:
Oh…G-d, I wish I could take away the hurt.
Liz says:
Hi Heather, I read an article in the LA Times about your Maddie leaving too soon. I follow your blog now. You and your family have touched my heart. I wake up at night and pray for you. I pray you find reason to take another breath. I pray each minute, hour of each day gets easier. I’ve even prayed that you get Maddie back somehow for one more picture, a hug, a kiss. I’m so sorry for your loss. The last picture of Maddie is beautiful. I am so saddened that it is the last. It must be so difficult that the rest of the world keeps moving so fast. It must feel like the world should stop with such a loss. Breathe, eat, sleep. I pray it gets easier. Take pictures, write, cry and talk. I pray it all gets easier.
Dana says:
Like a poster above said…You WERE in that photo with Maddie…You could just see the love she had for you pouring out in every single picture you took of her! You and Mike are the reason she had that enormous smile on her face every single day…She was the happiest little girl on earth and now she is the brightest shining star in the sky…
Dana’s last blog post..Sun, Apr 19, 2009
Midwest Mommy says:
I have no idea how you are going to do it either but you will. We will all be here for you. I still think of you all the time and wonder how you are doing, how you are doing this.
Midwest Mommy’s last blog post..I Heart Carcassonne!
Bonnie says:
Heather,
I am like a moth… I just keep coming back to that beautiful light of Maddie’s. I can’t stop thinking of her, of you, of Mike and even Rigby. I can’t breathe, it hurts so much to think of what you’re going through. I can’t look at sweet Maddie’s face without breaking down. I feel as if I’ve lost a niece of my own, and am having to watch a beloved sister and brother struggle through this without their wee one. You and Maddie and Mike’s story have touched me so deeply. I am spreading the word of Maddie’s LIFE and the March of Dimes to everyone who will listen. It’s not fair that you only got 16 months with her, but I’m so thankful you got those 16 months. I want to join your fight to help make sure no mother has to lose her baby again. I don’t know what I’m trying to say, but know that my heart is utterly breaking for you, and I keep praying that God will be with you and that your beautiful angel will always be close to you.
I also wanted to say that I am so amazed at the way you captured Maddie’s essence in the photographs you took of her – she just radiates life, joy, light and laughter. She was – and is – truly a living angel.
Bonnie’s last blog post..A Mother’s Love
Tami says:
I am glad you were able to pick the camera up again for maddie. I have to admit seeing pictures of grapes just isnt as cute as seeing pictures of Maddie. I know this hard , but know there are allot of people thinking and praying for you both.
Hugs!!
Cute~Ella says:
Keep taking pictures, keep writing, keep being and living. Maddie surrounds you now and will continue to come through. She will be the light in all the pictures that I hope you continue to take.
She’s very much with you in everything you do. You’ve inspired me too to come back to photography and let the light be in my life as well.
Cute~Ella’s last blog post..in between the moon and you, angels get a better view, of the crumbling difference between wrong and right
Kim says:
Heather, thank you for sharing so much with all of us! You will always have your baby in your heart and soul. Maddie was an amazing little girl because of both you, and your husband. Take all of the support you can, and take it all one day at a time. I wish you courage and peace through it all.
Anne says:
I heard about your story through a friend of a friend. Unlike many people, I can imagine what you’re going through because I lost my baby boy last September. He was a 25 weeker and lived for 11 days. It makes me smile knowing he has a new little friend up there in heaven. I am sure they are causing all kinds of trouble together and watching down on us. The best advice I have is for you and Mike to take care of each other. Hang in there, the hurt never goes away but it does get better.
Gillian says:
I saw this poem by Franz Wright on slate dot com today. I don’t normally comment twice on a blog, but. Today I did.
I basked in you;
I loved you, helplessly, with a boundless tongue-tied love.
And death doesn’t prevent me from loving you.
Besides,
in my opinion you aren’t dead.
(I know dead people, and you are not dead.)
Gillian’s last blog post..Time That You Love
Beth says:
You are such a beautiful person.
Beth
Jennifer says:
Heather – your writing and pictures are so beautiful. I’ve only recently come on board but was captivated by Maddie the moment I laid eyes on her–her joy, her beauty, her spirit is too lovely for words. I think of you and your family every day and hope that you continue to talk to Maddie and feel her presence as you make your way through this incredibly difficult time. Sending big hugs to you.
sam {temptingmama} says:
Your Maddie is a special, special girl (I can’t bring myself to speak about her in past tense.) and she has a wonderful strong mom who has gotten through some of the toughest times any human being should ever have to endure, and even though this could never even compare to those other times. Maddie is here, she is always here.
I love you.
sam {temptingmama}’s last blog post..And The World Keeps Spinning
Kellie says:
I’m yet another one of those “you don’t know me” people. I found your blog through Matt and Madeline’s blog and I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you and your family. I can’t imagine what it feels like to go through what you are going through right now but my heart aches for you. Maddie is a gorgeous child. Thank you for sharing her life w/ us.
Hugs from Richfield, MN.
Kellie’s last blog post..Jamie Foxx, how do you know me so well? Are you stalking me? Should I be creeped out?
Yasmine says:
Thinking of you and your family<3 And sending you lots of love and hugs!
Rachel in Canada says:
I am another one of those people who doesn’t know you, I came across your blog and have spent many hours since reading about your wonderful Madeline. What an amazing child she is, what a beauty and what a delight. My heart absolutely breaks for you, I can’t imagine how the world will go on without Maddie, but eventually it will. Many prayers are going to you, stay strong, know that there are so many people worldwide that Madeline has touched and who are thinking of her and you and wishing you strength.
Rachel in Canada’s last blog post..Uh Oh
Debra Knapp says:
I have been following your blog and you are the picture of strength. Maddies last picture is sparkling. You have a talent with the camera, your compostion is great. Have you ever thought of writing a book about Maddie and the way she looked at life through her eyes and include your pictures? Her pictures have such a excitement in her eyes. She loved life and you can see it even with all she endured. Her happiness is so obivious and your love for her shines through. If you are not intrested now maybe later. I will never forget this beautiful child.
TN Tonya says:
Continuing to send prayers your way. So, so very sorry you are having to figure out how to live without your baby.
Stacey says:
Gorgeous, darling baby. Keep her with you, keep talking to her . . . my heart goes out to you and your family during this unbearably painful time.
“What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of Us.” — Helen Keller
Peapodsquadmom says:
i am rarely speechless, but i find myself completely unable to put words together that even come close to adequately expressing what’s in my heart every time i visit your blog since maddie died.
i think there is a profound message in the fact that your first photo post-maddie is of budding new life. i think that message will reveal itself to you more and more in the days/weeks/months/years ahead.
we pray for you daily.
Peapodsquadmom’s last blog post..This is me eating crow and REALLY loving Yanni.
samantha says:
I am so brokenhearted for you. For the loss of your child. Being a mother, it makes me ach to know that you are across town, heartbroken. Althought it sounds so trite and inadaquite, I am so so sorry for your loss. Maddie was, is a beautiful child. From her pictures you can tell that her spirit was beautiful too and luckly for us, that will live on. You and your husband are constantly in my thoughts and will forever be in my prayers.
Kira says:
I have no words of wisdom, and wish more than anything I could offer you some comfort. Please just know that Maddy is thought of daily – by people who she never met, but whose lives she has touched forever.
My thoughts are with you.
Kristen says:
Still thinking of you . . . your pictures are beautiful – Maddie is so proud of you for finding the courage to continue shooting. Your love of photography is what gave you soooo many pictures to remember all of your memories of your beautiful Maddie. Hugs to you and Mike and your family as well
cindy w says:
I don’t know how you’ll get through it either. I can’t even begin to imagine 1/1,000,000th of what you & Mike are going through right now. But you are strong, graceful, lovely, and brilliantly talented, and I know without a doubt that you will find your way.
Big hugs to you & Mike, as always.
Heidi Lee says:
Heather-
You are such a strong woman who I know is still making Maddie proud. What courage it takes to continue to do the things that have always brought so much joy, while in the midst of such heartache. What an example of grace you are to your sweet little girl. I continue to pray for you each day.
Heidi
Miss Grace says:
What a wonderful last picture though. Her whole spirit is alive.
Miss Grace’s last blog post..Hottest Mommy Blogger
suze says:
I’m glad you’re still taking pictures for Maddie.
wn says:
Every once in awhile you come across a story so profound and so real that it stops you in your tracks. This story wills you to pay attention, to stop everything else you are doing and just listen. Maddie’s life story has been that story for me.
Since coming across Maddie’s life story, I have kissed my husband a little longer, I have called my mother a little more often and I have hugged my son a little harder. Sometimes these stories change us forever.
I continue to think of Maddie’s life story each day.
wn’s last blog post..it weebles and it wobbles…
annie says:
She’s still with you but not as you would like her to be. She will always be with you. My heart breaks for you and your family. Yesterday I got the same camera you have based upon your glowing recommendation and beautiful pictures. I’m glad to see you are taking pictures and writing again. It will help. I’d love to talk lenses and accessories when you are feeling up to it.
Lee Ann says:
Heather, you are going to be able to continue BECAUSE of Maddie. You are my hero-such strength rare to see. Please know that there are so many people out here who admire you, and send you, Mike, your parents, and even Rigby (because animals have feelings too!) positive energy!
Sarcastic Mom (Lotus Carroll) says:
That photo of her is so beautiful. Her vibrant soul shines so distinctly there. Braden wanted to see her this morning (he literally saw the lappie open and said, “See Madnie?”, so I showed him this post. She is the only child who he identifies as anyone but himself. “Madnie is pwetty.” (I love that photo you linked of Mike & Maddie, too.)
Your attempt at seeing the world just for her, still, makes me catch my breath. I can imagine that you’ll see the world through her eyes for a long time to come.
<3tonsofbiglove
Lotus
Sarcastic Mom (Lotus Carroll)’s last blog post..Also, washing dishes is so last year.
Amanda says:
Maddie’s little face is so beautiful! It’s great you picked up your camera again, Maddie is listening to every word you’re saying to her.
Amanda’s last blog post..Hungry?
Freda says:
Heather,
Having lost a child myself, I understand the overwhelming sense of agony and loss that you are feeling right now. Your darling Maddie is still with you everyday… only now there is no pain, no discomfort, no trips to the doctors. She is free. I pray that God continues to bless you and your husband and keep you both strong for one another. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Freda-
Becki says:
Prayers and hugs sent your way.
I know this is too soon.
But you and Mike are both gifted writers. I “saw” the challenges of your life through that skill. I can only imagine how Maddie’s life story would benefit those going through similar trials.
Maybe you and Mike could write a book – each doing every other chapter. With a beautiful purple cover.
The writing might help. And the results WOULD help others.
God Bless you both and may He ease your pain.
Sarah says:
Dearest Heather,
Since hearing about the loss of your luminous daughter Maddie, I have cried many many tears for you and your husband. I became a Mom myself last year, and the unfairness what has happened to you, losing your precious child, has affected me deeply. I don’t even have the words to adequately express what I’m feeling, but can say this, that I am completely and utterly inspired by the strength you and Mike are showing, and your ability to focus on what Maddie would have wanted and the beautiful memories of her. Many people would in their grief stricken state become bitter and angry (and this would be totally understandable too, so I say this not in judgement), but I think it is amazing how you are instead bringing so much good to this world, in honor of Maddie. I will be donating to March of Dimes. Lots of love and hugs. Sarah
Marti B. says:
I’m quite sure that when Maddie came into Heaven, Jesus RAN toward her and scooped her up in His mighty arms. Maddie said to Jesus, “please take care of mommy and daddy, they will miss me.” And a crystal tear fell from the eyes of our Lord, and He promised Maddie that He would take care of Mommy and Daddy Spohr.
I have never lost a child this way, but did lose a 28 week pregnancy 36 years ago that eventually cost me my marriage. If they had had the technology back then that they do now, Joey would have lived I’m sure. He was perfect, yet tiny.
Thank you for blogging and sharing your private grief with us. I continue to pray for you and your husband. Please know that tears and grief are forms of deep prayer. Weeping and groaning are also forms of deep prayer. God hears and He knows what you’re going through. It’s not fair sometimes, but I know for a fact that He is still in control, even though it doesn’t seem like it.
Take one second at a time through this difficulty journey. I cover you, your husband, your dog, your home, your hearts with my prayers. I pray a hedge of protection around all of you as you go about your daily regimes. I pray and ask for God’s mighty yet tender grace upon you and your family during this very difficult time in your earthy lives.
Amy Stone says:
Keep writing, keep taking pictures, keep talking to Maddie. We are reading, we are looking, we are listening….and so is Maddie.
There is a whole world of people by yours and Mike’s side.
I wish so badly I could erase the pain, or figure out how you’ll do this without your baby. The only way through it is through it.
Amy
Oregon
Lindsay says:
I wish that I could take away half of your pain. I do not know how you are able to stand on your own two feet. It must be your little Maddie that is holding you up. I know that your little princess is being taken care of in heaven. She is watching you and she is with you every minute!!! Never forget that you will see her again!! Your Photography is absolutly amazing!! You truly have a gift!! My love is with you on your long journey back to being and feeling normal!! Take one day at a time
Lindsay
Suzie an "unknown" from Iowa says:
Maddie is truly a radiant angel!! I am so glad that you picked up your camera again!! Don’t be mad at yourself my dear friend, Heather. Maddie wouldn’t hear of that, I’m sure!! You are a perfect mommy and Mike a perfect daddy!! We love you from afar and I just cannot imagine losing one of my mini angels!! Maddie has touched so many!! Just take one second at a time…you are strong!! Make sure and love each other. Hugs from Iowa!!
Trenches of Mommyhood says:
My heart aches for you.
Trenches of Mommyhood’s last blog post..Sick To My Stomach
Jamie Antisdel says:
Heather,
As a fellow blogger/photographer, I must say that your work is beautiful. Of course, it always helps to have a beautiful subject like Maddie. I am writing to let you know that I am walking this weekend in the March for Babies in St. Louis in honor of our daughter who was born prematurely almost a year ago. However, we will also be walking in honor of Maddie. She was beautiful and she has touched my soul. Much love coming your way.
Jamie
Jamie Antisdel’s last blog post..a baby on the way
Angi says:
She’s beautiful. I cannot let a day pass without reading more about you and Maddie. I have read about how awesome (truly awe inspiring) that she was alive and how she alone has created a connection of people touched by her life on the internet. Each day, I check your site to see how you’re doing, to hear how you’re feeling. I can’t understand that pain and to some extent can’t understand how your pain has seemingly forever impacted my life. There are hundreds like me, that are praying for you, hoping for you and grieving for you. Her spirit lives on in all of us who, because of Maddie, hug our kids a little tighter, help the babies that need help, or help the parents who find themselves in your shoes in one way or another. Keep taking pictures, Heather. Maddie’s watching.
Angi’s last blog post..My name is Angi…
Kristina says:
Heather:
I have not lost a child, but I have experienced the sudden, tragic loss of someone much too young to die. I have let his death cloud his life. I am so glad to see that you are not allowing Maddie’s death to be the most important thing about her. Her bright eyes, her contagious smile, and most of all the fact that she was here, and she was yours, is the most important thing about her. Your simple, beautiful words about your daughter are the biggest, best tribute you could ever give to her life. I cannot imagine how it hurts- but know that your strength is giving all of us hope. Maddie is listening to everything you say to her, and she will be holding your hand through this.
Kristina’s last blog post..I really am a Mommy
Nancy says:
I’m sitting here reading your blog… catching up on the last 3 posts. I have tears streaming down my face and my 4 year old son just asked “Mommy, why are you crying?”. I told him my heart aches. It aches for you and your loss and for sweet Maddie. I read and I feel. Wanted to let you know you’re on my mind and Maddie is in my heart.
Nancy’s last blog post..Open Mouth, Insert Shoe
Colleen says:
I don’t know what to say other than I really LOVE your blog, and I am glad you have found the strength to carry on, I don’t know that I would do the same. Your ability to express yourself is AMAZING! Praying for you and your tragic situation daily! Love the tiny grapes picture (and Maddie too!)
Colleen’s last blog post..Ten on Tuesday
Emily Kramer says:
Heather and Mike –
I have been a reader for some time but never commented before. I feel like at this time, I want you to know how much I appreciate you sharing your lives and that of your precious little girl with the world. My son is just 2 weeks younger than Maddie so it hit me hard when I thought about what you two were going through. It made me hug both of my kids harder. I, too, have a love of photography and use my little point-and-shoot to constantly get in their faces. It remains always with me so that I can capture any moment I want (need?). You have been in my thoughts and will continue to be so. Thank you.
Shelley says:
I want to say something profound and beautiful but I’m at a complete loss. So I’ll just say, keep taking pictures and continue to share them with Maddie. I’m glad you found photography and were able to share Maddie’s smile and sweetness with so many people who wouldn’t have otherwise had the chance to fall in love with her.
I envy your strength and grace in such a tragic situation. Hugs to you, Mike and Rigby too.
JOy says:
You are SO SO SO brave!
Praying and praying for you and Mike.
xox
stephanie says:
Heather, I’ve been thinking of you and saying prayers for you since last week. You and Mike have been on our minds without ceasing.
Your darling picture of Maddie in yellow is too precious. My hopes and prayers for you and Mike, are too many to articulate here. Know that you are thought of often, all over the world. love, hugs, and tears, Stephanie.
stephanie’s last blog post..grace in small things (the lowfat version)
Kelly says:
I’m one of those “you don’t know me people” (who came to you via Matt Logelin, who also doesn’t know me, but I seem to be good at getting swept up by you all). My heart just aches, aches, aches for you. I don’t know what else to say except, keep writing and talking and telling your stories and I’ll keep reading and listening and hoping that in some small way it makes a difference.
Kelly’s last blog post..I don’t want to take a bath
Lauren says:
I promise that you can. It will be hard, and it will suck to have to figure out how, but you can do this. I know you can.
Lauren’s last blog post..I Only Need Three Walls These Days
HeatherPride says:
Oh Heather, I don’t know either. Life will never be the same. I will be here reading during these dark days. I am and always will be so sorry you have to go through this.
Libby says:
I’m shedding tears for you today. I pray for you to find peace and comfort. Your photos are lovely–keep sharing.
Jennifer says:
I wish I had the pleasure of knowing your daughter. I am sure she would have loved playing with my little darling, Josalyn. Your pictures are beautiful. Maddie is beautiful. I tell everyone I know about my online friend Maddie and how wonderful she is. Because of Maddie i play with my kids more, i am more patient, loving, and caring. I even decided to start my blog because of maddie’s story. She will be missed.
-The mercurio family
PS- if i lived in the area i would hire you as my photographer. maybe you should think about that as a career!
Jennifer’s last blog post..Dentist + Sick baby = not as bad as you would think
Glenda says:
I too am one of the “you don’t know me” but i came to this blog via Matt’s…whom I don’t know but came to me via storked! My heart aches for you and Mike and i’ve cried everytime i’ve read your blog the last 2 wks. I lost my niece when she was one due to congenital heart defects. I’ve lost my mom and dad. I have a son and a daughter, so from one mom to another, I ache for you and Maddie. Keep writing and I’ll be reading. Love the pictures of Maddie….what a beauty. God Bless you and your family!
melanie says:
hugs!
melanie’s last blog post..Take Me Back Tuesday
Stacy says:
I found your site through Matt’s site. I’m so very sorry about your baby girl. I can’t imagine what it would be like if I lost one of my girls. I hope my “drive by comment” reminds you again today that lots of people are thinking about you. The best thing you can do is keep her memory alive by sharing. I’d love to know more about her.
-S.
Stacy’s last blog post..What, my blog?
Jyl (Mom It Forward) says:
My heart goes out to you.
At Mom It Forward, we’d like to pay tribute to Maddie, you, and the wonderful blogging community that has rallied around you at this time. I hope it is OK to use this picture. Of course, we’ll include the credits. Please let me know if I need to take it, or any of the other pictures in the post, down.
Thanks for your spirit, your amazing sharing that all gives us hope to go on in spite of our most difficult circumstances.
{{hugs}}!
jyl
Jyl (Mom It Forward)’s last blog post..March of Dimes Fund Soars in Memory of Maddie Spohr
Anya says:
My condolences, Heather, to you and your family. How is it possible on April 4 this beautiful girl posed for pictures, then died a few days later? It is very confusing. I am so sorry for your loss…..
Allyson/HBMomof2 says:
As so many others have said, you are continuously in my thoughts and prayers. Your indescribable pain at your loss of sweet Maddie is so evident, but by putting words to your feelings, photos to words and sharing it with us, I hope that we can all begin to come back from this tragedy. Maddie has a sparkle that will never fade, so it only matters that you are picking up the camera with her in your heart and trying and trying again. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Elizabeth says:
I won’t pretend I know what to say, because god knows i don’t. I do, however, think that Maddie is soooo beautiful in that picture. I have boys and imagined that if I had a girl I would love for her to have the spunk and fire that Maddie seemed to possess. Thank you for taking them and for sharing them. I am so incredibly sorry she is gone.
Shannon says:
Its so wonderful to find you continuing to blog. We’re complete strangers to each other, but I wanted to tell you that I felt so proud of you for picking up your camera again. Having lost a husband very suddenly at a very young age, I’ve been through a trauma that completely alters your world. Please don’t think I am equating my loss to yours, however, as I have no idea what its like to lose a child. However, I do remember how important it was during my recovery to force myself to acknowledge things of beauty, even when my world looked completely cold and gray. Forcing yourself to remember the beautiful things is an important step towards actually one day being able to smile again. You are amazingly strong. You are are going to make it.
Tabitha says:
You are doing this with Maddie. She is in you and everything you do forever!
Candice says:
what a gorgeous picture of your Maddie Moo.
Thank you for sharing. We will be here to listen and help as best we can. I only wish I had the blessing of knowing Maddie, I know my daughter (who was born on the same day as Maddie) would have loved having her as a friend.
Please keep taking pictures for Maddie.
anymommy says:
She’s listening, and so am I. I think of you every day.
anymommy’s last blog post..Two Niner
Kari (heartatpreschool) says:
You don’t have to know now how you’ll do this, but just know that you will do this. Maddie lives in you. And she lives in so many others that she has inspired. Including me.
Kari (heartatpreschool)’s last blog post..Thankful Thursday, on a Sunday
Alexandra says:
Oh, Heather, if it helps any at all to share the burden, there are a million hearts out here trying to share and carry your pain. This is too much for just one little heart to bear. Way too painful. You poor thing…if you were here, I’d hold your head in my lap and just let you cry and cry and cry…then I’d stroke your hair while you slept. And pray for beautiful Maddie to visit you in your dreams….
Jenni says:
That shot of Maddie was the money shot–she was such a brightly shining little soul!
Jenni’s last blog post..“Why Not a Vegetable Sorbet?” I Ask You. And, of Course, You Love the Idea. Right?
jenny, bloggess says:
you will do it just like that. with her in your heart. even though it’s not enough.
Love to you, my sweet friend.
jenny, bloggess’s last blog post..It’s like we’re living on the Oregon Trail except none of us has dysentery yet
Ms. Moon says:
Oh, Heather. If only every time one of us out here who had fallen in love with your daughter cried and our hearts broke a little more, it would lift some of your sadness. If only we could share it. I know it doesn’t work that way. But I wish, I so wish it could.
Ms. Moon’s last blog post..I’m A Wife, Here’s My Life
Kellie says:
That picture of Maddie is breathtaking. She is the picture of perfection.
I seem to say this on just about all of my comments, but if I could take even an ounce of your heartbreak, I would.
You will do it with Maddie forever in your heart. She sees what you see.
You are incredibly strong and I admire that in you so very, very much.
tara says:
oh heather…i hope you know how many of us are out here with aching hearts for you. i think of you, mike and maddie moo every day – maddie changed my life forever. i am thinking of you constantly – i’m so sorry you have to go through this.
Julie says:
I think of you and your Maddie every day. I was already signed up to walk in the March for Babies, since I went through pPROM, but I will be marching not only for my own kids but for Maddie, too. You are a beautiful family.
Lindsay says:
Heather,
I found your blog the first week of April and was immediately captivated by it, by Maddie’s amazing personality, which was obvious even without having met her. I have a daughter who was born at 27 weeks and is now 15 months old, so I was so excited to read about Maddie and their many similarities. I have just dabbled in photography, and even though I had debated it for some time, decided to buy an SLR after seeing your georgeous pictures of Maddie…I have so wanted better pictures of Julianna! I was incredibly saddened the day I read about Maddie’s passing and although I don’t know what its like to lose a child, it really hit me hard how quickly things can change with our little preemies. Each time I take a picture of Julianna with my camera I think of you, and Mike, and Maddie. Know that Maddie touched so many lives and continues to do so, especially seeing pictures that show her vibrant personality shining through. Your writing and photography brought Maddie to many. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Lindsay’s last blog post..First Steps!
Michelle W says:
Just crying and aching for you. Today those are the only words I have, simple, genuine and honest. And love, for Maddie Moo and her family whom I’ve never met.
WM says:
I love that you are continuing on with this. I imagine it must be challenging but I truly believe Maddie hears you and is sending you inspiration!
WM’s last blog post..Reading this might help save my marriage
Shana in Texas says:
I am so sorry for your loss.
Becky says:
I like to imagine that Maddie is always going to be a part of you and with you every single step of the way.
Love you, Heather.
Becky’s last blog post..Rockin’ The Guest Post
Jan says:
I can’t imagine how I would deal with losing my child either. Peace.
Jan’s last blog post..Writing Contest
Kate says:
I was looking up a song “There Will Be A Day” by Jeremy Camp. On this website was a picture of Maddie (Remembering Maddie). She has the most beautiful blue eyes and such a wonderful smile I just had to click on it. I am so very sorry for your loss. I love what you are doing for the March of Dimes. My first child was born 9 weeks early and spent 6 week in the NICU. He is now a healthy 17 year old . My son Ryan died shortly after birth, he was a very healthy 7lbs 12oz. I know this is a very difficult time, I will be praying for your family. Your daughter Maddie is a beautiful Angel, who will always watch over you.
Mandy G. says:
She has captured us in how you have captured her.
I wish I had something wise to say. Or a real hug to give you. The comment forum seems, I don’t know, so impersonal.
Mandy G.’s last blog post..Hiring Tips from an HR Guru (I Heard That Snort!)
julia says:
Heather:
I just had to comment today, I’ve been thinking about you and crying for you so much. I don’t know how you are going to do this either. But you will.
My mother died when I was 17, which certainly isn’t the same thing, but the pain was just so overwhelming sometimes. Even now, 15 years later, I still think some days that I don’t know how I’m going to do it without my mother. But I do. You just do.
I’m not going to say it will get easier, or blah, blah, blah, but there will be days when you actually aren’t in misery. I promise. But until then, you will just do it without your daughter, because you have to. This really sucks for you, and I am so so sorry.
Margaret says:
Heather –
you don’t have to do anything.
Your world has stopped.
This is too painful – you will make it hon.
but now, you don’t have to keep yourself together,
Just be,
God I wish i could help. sending you all my heart,
Margaret
tammy says:
Even though I do not know you personally, I know you as a mom.
My heart is breaking for you right now. I can not possibly imagine. Oh, the tears!!
Maddie is sooo beautiful – she just glows in yellow. She has the BEST MOM EVER!!
Nothing I say can make this any easier for you. I don’t even know what to say. Just know that the world is behind you Heather, and we all love you!!
Cindy says:
Oh, Heather.
I wish I had the answer. But I think you are doing the right thing by talking about Maddie, writing about her, and looking at her photos. Nina said it beautifully in her comment – “This is who was here, for a while. And I remember.” We will all remember and celebrate her life with you.
Cindy’s last blog post..Blue eyes.
Stephanie says:
In the past 2 weeks I have become a Maddie-aholic. Way up here in Canada there is very little I can do to be of help but I so badly want to do the twitter thing!
I might be a bit behind the times, but can’t figure out anything about twitter… I rerouted here to leave a comment hoping you could somehow send me loser-proof instructions…. On twitter I am stephanie_z.
Rebekah says:
What a beautiful little angel. She is with you. I wish you and your husband and all those who love your little one peace and healing.
Stacy says:
I came across your blog from Matt and Maddie’s blog… and have been following ever since. You can and you will do this “without” Maddie because she’d want you to. Just from the pictures, she seemed to have such a glow about her, such a light… and she’d want you to carry on. And you’re never truly going to be without her. She will always be there for you and with you. Bless both of you, I could not imagine the heartache you feel.
Kristy says:
Sending you and Mike hugs today!!!
Kristy’s last blog post..TED – Ideas worth spreading
Cora says:
Heather,
I have no children yet so I don’t know what it is like to lose a child but I do know what it is like to lose a best friend. My little brother passed away last April he was 18 and my best friend in the whole world. Even though it seems as though everything has fallen apart just take life one moment at a time. One moment. It has been the only way to cope. Maddie is around you and touching everyone through this blog. I am in love with her and I never even knew her. Hang in there and hold your husband close. I am keeping you in my thoughts everyday.
Cora’s last blog post..The last time
Sue @ My Party of 6 says:
The pictures from that day are breathtaking. Maybe that is one of Maddie’s gifts to you. The knowledge that you SHOULD be taking pictures because you are really good at it. (Even with the most adorable subject on EARTH, they are good!)
The volume of your pictures has inspired me. I’ve watched your video tribute to Maddie and several others and also looked for hours at your flickr photostream. You have so many pictures of her. And what a gift they are now. I have had my camera out ever since, snapping away. I want to remember every second of these precious days with my kids. (So that is your gift to me! Thank you!)
I think of you and Mike every day and send you (((HUGS))) in my heart.
Sue @ My Party of 6’s last blog post..Über
Lu says:
I have been reading about you and your family for a while now, and I have never commented. But it is time to say that my thoughts are with your family in this incredibly difficult time. I am twenty, I write about books. I cannot begin to fathom your loss. I just want to write to tell you, that your family and your daughter have touched many lives. She is a beautiful girl. That photograph is gorgeous, and only catches a small portion of all the light she radiated in this world. I know these words will only add to a chorus of hundreds… but one more can’t hurt.
Thinking about you and your family,
Lu
Lu’s last blog post..First paragraph, and a confession
Praying for you in Florida says:
Today I started reading “Diary of Anne Frank: The Play” with my 8th graders. Before starting we had a class discussion about “What impact will you have on the world?” I told them about my obsession with reading online newspapers and then how I have taken to reading blogs–especially blogs about families. And then I told them about Maddie. I told them that our families have never met and probably we would not ever have the opportunity, but how I was so touched by you, Heather, and your sweet baby, Maddie. How Maddie’s love and sweet smile just reach and touch you. How your love and devotion to her care, growth, and health represent what every mother wants to do for her child. Your impact, Mike’s impact, and Maddie’s impact has been great in this world. Sending you much love and many many prayers.
Anna See says:
Thank you for sharing that beautiful picture of Maddie. I am so, so sorry for your enormous loss.
Anna See’s last blog post..An Inch of Gray Giveaway
Tara-Lynn says:
That picture of your darling girl dressed in yellow is just gorgeous. Your post brought tears to my eyes, and filled my heart. Good for you to keep taking pictures…I think Maddie would like that. Take good care, and know that you are surrounded by love and support out here in the blog world. Hugs….
Tara-Lynn’s last blog post..Bits and Bites
Nicole says:
She is such a little doll in that dress! What a picture, captivating. My heart aches for you and Mike and I will contine to send prayers your way.
stacie says:
Heather, thinking of you often, and sending love your way. This picture of Maddie is truly gorgeous. It is so fitting that her smile is the last one your camera shot. What cherished photo.
stacie’s last blog post..Perfect Moment Monday
Rachel says:
Heather,
I’m yet another random person who has never met you, nor do I have any connection to you or your family. I came across your blog by accident, after Maddie’s passing, and I’ve been captivated by your story. Your stories and photos have brought Maddie to life for me, as I know they do for countless other people. Your daughter is one of the most precious, beautiful children that I have ever seen, and the love she was showered with and that she showered upon you and Mike is evident in every photo of her. I can’t even begin to imagine what your life is like right now, but please know that you, Mike, and Rigby and Maddie’s extended family are in my prayers. I hope that one day I can pass on to my children even a fraction of the amount of love you show for Maddie. Saying that I’m sorry for your loss seems like such a small, trite thing to say…but I truly, truly am. My thoughts are with you all.
Rachel in Nashville
Mary @ Holy Mackerel says:
How appropriate that such a wonderfully joyous, sunny, happy picture of your beautiful baby would be the last shot.
I cannot know what you are going through. All I can say is to try and take it one minute at a time. That’s all you can do. And know you have many people holding your hand as you do.
Eleana says:
Thank-you for sharing the beautiful picture of your little girl. She is captivating and I can see how you loved to photograph her. She is glowing with happiness in that picture. I had not heard of you before but saw an entry on a blog of another mommy that I follow. I am so sorry for your loss and my heart breaks that you have to go through something like this. I can’t begin to imagine how you feel, I don’t know if I would be as brave as you if something were to happen to my daughter. Reading through some of you entries, I can see you are a wonderful person and your daughter was lucky to have you as her mommy.
Eleana’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
Mama Kalila says:
Oh… That is a beautiful picture of her. I can’t even imagine how hard it was to pick up that camera again, but I’m glad you did. Still praying for yall.
Mama Kalila’s last blog post..Aye Baba…
Anne McQuary says:
Maddie’s smile made my day. What a special child she will always be. As a mom who takes a million pictures of my boy, I can completely relate to what you said about how we look at the world through their eyes. Please don’t put down your camera. It’s such a gift. Thank you so much for sharing that gift – and your incredible pictures of your amazing sunbeam Maddie. Wishing you open hearts and strength as you grieve the loss of your beautiful daughter.
Anne McQuary’s last blog post..Where I Live
Sarah says:
My heart breaks for you. I lost my son when he was 5 months old (he was also a micropreemie), and it is now almost 3 years later. I can’t tell you it gets easier, but I can tell you that you will get through it. Lean on your husband, you need each other more than ever.
I will pray for you. I know my sweet angel is welcoming your gorgeous girl in Heaven.
Amy Elkins says:
That bright, happy picture is how I remember Maddie… glowing and full of joyous energy. You captured her perfectly.
Thinking of you this evening. Much love from Texas.
Amy Elkins’s last blog post..Thwack!
Michelle says:
Everytime I come to your site I am in tears over your loss. I imagine myself in your shoes, and I don’t think I could be as strong.
I’m one of those people you don’t know and I’m all the way in D.C. And even though we don’t know each other, I have been thinking of you daily. And I pray for you, your husband, your family, and of course, Maddie.
Rachel Russell says:
So Very Sorry for your loss. I offer you many hugs and prayers. Maddie has brought joy to so many who never knew here till now.
Heidiho says:
I can’t get you and your husband out of my mind. I tear up thinking of your loss. Your love is strong, and hopefully so will be your resolve to persevere and come out stronger for being the parents of such a blessing. My prayers are for you both.
Haley-O says:
Beautiful picture…. Beautiful post…. You can’t seem to do it without her now. But, she’s with you. You speak to her. Keep speaking to her and holding her in your heart. Her energy will be there with you forever. In time….In time you’ll be able to live again. Give yourself as much time as you need…. ((hugs))
Haley-O’s last blog post..The “Igor”
jen says:
aren’t you so glad that you were able to take a picture of her EXACTLY what you were seeing that day? a picture full of her beauty shining through …
and the fact that you weren’t IN the pictures … tells me that you were spending those moments WITH her and not just posing for pictures. or taking pictures for that matter, with the battery issue!
that’s always been a difficulty for me in this new photography quest … making sure that i’m IN the moments … and not just capturing them. a camera without a battery forces you to be IN the moments, i’m thinking.
love.
jen’s last blog post..not a creative post title.
Sarcastica says:
Again, my thoughts are with you and I’m sending you guys strength and good vibes. I’m sure Maddie is up in Heaven looking at the pictures, thrilled you picked up the camera again.
Sarcastica’s last blog post..Building A Home
Deb says:
She looks like an angel. What a beautiful, beautiful little girl.
My heart aches for you. Sending prayers to you and your family.
Kelly Burton says:
Heather, I read this in the car earlier. I was driving my girls, 14months and 29 months, to the mall… one of those exhausting adventures we must take sometimes when it’s 40 outside. I had to keep them in the car an extra few minutes while I cried, and I told them I loved them, and I didn’t let all the stress & BS of two toddlers on the go get to me today. Because I know more than ever that every moment matters.
I hugged them extra, and I feel bad for telling you this. I wish with all my heart you and Maddie were somewhere buying summer shoes today. I wish so hard. And it seems inappropriate to say you inspire me to love more, but you do. Please know there is love and so, so much of my prayers coming your way.
Kelly Burton’s last blog post..Ready to run
pgoodness says:
You ARE doing it Heather. You are. One shutter click at a time. And she’s listening and loving it, you know that.
I adore that picture of Maddie – the glow is the very essence of her, isn’t it?
Amy says:
What a beautiful picture of your little Maddie!
My heart goes out to you!
Amy from Nebraska
Alexicographer says:
I have in my mind a post like Kelly Burton wrote. Thank you for your touching posts that help me appreciate the family I have all the more for knowing how uncertain this world is.
Christy says:
I think Maddie was with you today as you told her about the grapes. I strongly believe that the love between a mother and child is so strong that it keeps us connected in a very real way, even through death.
Your photo of Maddie is beautiful.
You are in my thoughts and prayers daily. My heart aches for you.
Heather says:
She is luminous. I wish you didn’t have to do it without her. You’ve got all of us, if that is any consolation…
Heather’s last blog post..lucky stars
Jessie says:
Heather,
You must keep going. Reading your blog has been a gift and an inspiration to those of us who may have taken their children’s; health from pregnacy to birth and on; for granted at anytime. You have reminded me that children are a gift to be treasured and the moments with them, whether good, bad or ugly, should be celebrated. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your stories of your beautiful Maddie.
Cherie says:
I sent you an email but I am sure you are overwhelmed right now. How gorgeous Maddie is and I say is because she is obviously still in the hearts of so many. You are an angel as well as you have brought your story into the lives of so many people. Premature birth happens almost common place today with designer births meant to lessen the burden to the Moms (can you imagine). But to those who know the truth as you do, it is not something anyone wishes, on any child. God bless you and the work you have done. You have been a messenger in a magnitude only time will tell!
Christy Burgess says:
What a priceless picture of her and her Daddy! And it seems fitting that you were able to capture that smile and bright eyes looking at you in the last picture that you took… you have her true being captured forever and that is something to hold to. Certaintly something to treasure forever. Saying I am sorry you have to do this without her just is not enough. Both of her parents are in my prayers as you adjust to this new norm that you didn’t want to have.
Christy Burgess’s last blog post..Finally… It begins!!!
Jayme Q. says:
This post brings tears to my eyes… I do the same thing with my son, who loves to look at all the pictures that his mommy takes. Our sweet babies do change the way we look through a camera lens (and everything else) but I know that you will find the strength to go on, not just without her but *for* her. Maddie loved her sweet mommy and would want you to keep taking pictures of all the beauty there is in the world.
Carla says:
Oh Heather–As an English teacher, I can only look at the meaning behind your words and pictures and see all the symbolism and meaning and how it all correlates…to me the beautiful “baby” grapes being enveloped in the warm, bright rays of sun, were just like your beautiful Maddie, being caressed by the warm sun and the love of her parents in her bright yellow party dress–There is such beauty within you and your memories of your precious baby–as you have said before, you do all of this for Maddie, so continue her mission–keep taking those pictures and write those beautiful words–you are helping others whether it feels like it or not–you MUST find other things to capture on camera and match them up with the awesome images you have of your baby girl…write the text for them…put it all together and publish it…in her memory, as a way to honor her and help others….(with profits for March of Dimes in her memory perhaps?) and as you are doing this, it just might help you to heal just as little bit as well….Much love going your way…still in our prayers….
kathryn says:
Oh, Heather. You are doing it. Every minute of every day.
And Maddie will be your lens, gifting you with perspective and focus for all of your days.
Maeve says:
Damn, Heather. You and Mike are so strong — so much stronger than you know. Somehow it’s as if you are supporting us, all of us out here in the blogosphere who are shattered by sweet Maddie’s death. I remember you saying shortly after Maddie’s birth that you felt that you were leaning on her, a tiny giant of an infant, for support. I can see so clearly now where Maddie got that preternatural strength and spunk and spirit. I love that you’re taking photos again, even if it’s only one so far. Maddie would love it too. You’re not doing it without her — she is and will always be with you and Mike, and so will we.
ErinR says:
I found your site through a friend and Matt Logelin’s blog too. I am so sorry for your loss. I have a 7 year old Madeline. Your Madeline’s smile could light up a room! I am so sorry I didn’t get to enjoy your blog before this horrible thing happened. I have enjoyed reading your old posts, getting to know your beautiful angel. I have never seen such beautiful eyes. Your photos are amazing. I ramble. Sorry.
Sometimes there just aren’t words. It just stinks.
Lesley says:
The Strength you have shown…has been inspiring….
And Isn’t it Absolutely Beautiful?….How little Maddie…Lives on in SO Many Hearts…She walks and talks…and smiles…everyday….
If we can take a moment…and just think of maddie….she lives….
She IS a beautiful girl….and she IS so very blessed to call you both her parents….
Lesley’s last blog post..An Apology
Sarah says:
Another stranger… I was linked to your blog through Matt Logelin’s blog. I went back and started reading your blog from Maddie’s birth. Such a beautiful girl- such a tragedy. I am so sorry. I cry for your loss. I wish I could carry your pain for you….
Gina says:
I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you, your husband, and Maddie. Whenever I see purple or the bright sun, I am thinking of Maddie.
Alexandra says:
There are no words to express how sorry I am about the loss of your daughter. Her pictures are beautiful, and you are a gifted writer, photographer and mother.
Patty says:
Heather, as hard as it is to find the beauty in anything right now, I really hope that you keep taking pictures and keep writing about your journey. Listen closely, Maddie is right with you and will help to get you through your pain. So terrible for you to go through this life now without her physically there, but she is there and will always be. I am sure she is so proud of you both for getting the word out about her life and everything you are doing for MoD. I can’t stop thinking of you all and crying over your loss. It’s not fair and it so doesn’t make sense how things turned out for you all, but in her short little life, she has made such an impact on the world. That is something that most of us will never be able to accomplish in our lifetimes. I know this journey is so hard to get through right now, but you are both handling it in a way that I don’t think I would be strong enough to. God is taking care of your baby, and you will hold her again when it is time.
Kimmie says:
Love you sweet Heather girl. I love you. Proud of you for getting out today and seeing life the way Maddie would see it. You are an inspiration.
CC says:
My heart breaks for you all, and can only hope that somewhere, somehow, a God is taking that piece of my heart away and using it to try to mend yours. You’re in my thoughts every day.
CC’s last blog post..
lillian says:
Heather,
I admire the way you honor your little one’s life each time you share a piece of her memory with the world…seeing her megawatt smile inspires me to continue on the seemingly never-ending hunt for my own fertility.
Thank you for sharing morsels of your journey through life, loss and grief…
Lillian Shephard
Coral says:
You are doing it. Every day. Its hard, and it hurts and it takes your breath away. Keep taking pictures. And telling your little beauty about all the beauty she has opened your eyes to.
Just keep swimming, Heather, just keep swimming.
Amy says:
You can do it. We are listening. We are “remembering” Maddie with you through your writing and photos. Peace to you.
Amy
Lisa says:
Thank you for sharing your world with me. It is heart wrenching to read of the loss of your glowing daughter. My first son was born at 28w 1day and is doing fine, and my second son was born full term and is now 8 weeks old. I spent three months on bed rest with the new baby to keep him out of the NICU and inside of my womb. Depsite the standard challenges of being a mom to two little ones, your story reminds me to appreciate each moment with these sweet boys. I thank you again and I talk and think of you and your beautiful daughter often.
Lisa’s last blog post..The Gardener
Lisa says:
Thank you for sharing your world with me. It is heart wrenching to read of the loss of your glowing daughter. My first son was born at 28w 1day and is doing fine, and my second son was born full term and is now 8 weeks old. I spent three months on bed rest with the new baby to keep him out of the NICU and inside of my womb. Depsite the standard challenges of being a mom to two little ones, your story reminds me to appreciate each moment with these sweet boys. I thank you again and I talk and think of you and your beautiful daughter often.
Funsize says:
Oh Heather, I am so sorry. I honestly don’t know how I go out and live life, but somehow I manage to trudge on. Maddie wouldn’t want you to stop doing what you loved, and while it is hard right now, you’ll just have to go through the motions until it comes back to you. My best advice? Take pictures of what you’d want her to see, what you think she would like. Talk to her, because I’m sure she’ll hear you. If anything, we all are listening to you.
((hugs))
Funsize’s last blog post..Trust
Liliana says:
Hi Heather!
I came and checked your blog. I felt like writing something but I couldn’t come with anything to say. Then I remember I had to prepare some snacks for tomorrows play group and guess what? I realized I had to wash the grapes. I can only tell you I hand wash individually each grape, and I just keep thinking of you and Maddie. Would she have liked grapes? As I washed them I kept dropping some and then I ate them The first one was sour, and I could see Maddie wearing the same yellow dress and her reaction was shaking her head and her eyes wide open. The second grape was the opposite SO sweet and delicious, then I saw how Maddy would have giving them a second chance, tasted the second grape and loved them, then I could have seeing how you would have struggle cutting them and maybe peeling fast enough for her. I thought of sharing this with you. All of us strangers are thinking of you. I love how you went back to taking pictures and wrote something for Maddy. You should keep doing it, you could even make a book where you can share all your thoughts with her.
Hugs
Liliana
Bree says:
I am so terribly sorry for your lost. I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling.
Bree’s last blog post..Quotes from Butterbean
Jenn @ Juggling Life says:
I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words.
Jenn @ Juggling Life’s last blog post..Nanny Nanny Boo-Boo!
Luci says:
Again, so sorry for your pain. That picture of precious Maddie is so radiant. Funny, I sometimes see that exact face from the foto in my head as I go about my day. She touched everyone. Praying for your strength.
Luci’s last blog post..The Girl Can Sing!
Susan (5 Minutes for Mom) says:
Heather, I sincerely can’t stop thinking about you and Maddie.
I keep seeing and hearing your tribute video go through my head. I am trying to turn my sadness for you into a reminder for me to pick up my camera and laugh with my girls and record each moment because it is all too fleeting.
I am so, so, so very sorry.
karen says:
What a touching message. I cry daily thinking about Maddie and your family. But here’s one good thing that has come of this – I am constantly telling my daughter over and over how much I love her. I drop everything and play with her when she asks me. I cuddle with her in her bed while she’s asleep. You are helping me be a better mother. I will do this every day to honor your Maddie.
LiteralDan says:
The picture of grape buds is just so apt. And beautifully composed.
Much as you may be kicking yourself about the low battery, the pictures in your memory are incomparable to any on film– they can grow and change with your whims, the way the best images should. You have plenty of still photos to hang on to.
Make this day a fisherman’s tale, getting bigger and better with each telling. That picture is a fantastic start.
LiteralDan’s last blog post..An Easter feast: A story in pictures. And some words.
Jamie S says:
Received your tweet! We have been RT’ing to Hugh as I have all of my friends on the mission. We are constantly thinking and praying for you. Hopefully we can sway Hugh into seeing how important this is…. Here’s to Maddie!
Thanks for update. Keep taking those glorious pictures!
Duchess says:
I ditto Karen. You have helped snap me into reality and I promise to make every single day the best I can with my child.
We are here with you. You don’t know all of us but we are here silently caring, loving and remembering. We will always be here with you.
Duchess’s last blog post..A Dark Day
Elaina Avalos says:
The photo of Maddie is so beautiful. The lighting around her absolutely glows! The picture of the grape vine is beautiful too. It’s a very tender picture and although the subjects are very different, there’s a great similarity to that and pictures of Maddie. Definitely do not put that camera down. I know it’s hard. But keep doing that, Heather. And honestly…keep talking to Maddie.
I’m inspired that you were able to find such a tender, beautiful image in the midst of a dark night. Keep doing that. That’s truly honoring to your beautiful girl.
Elaina Avalos’s last blog post..Would you like a little BBQ sauce on your…shirt?
Eliza says:
I want to share something I’m sure you already know, but I think it bears repeating. Your Maddie has made such a deep mark on the lives of so many. I have been going thru a bit of a rough patch in my life (NOTHING compared to what you’ve been through!!) and reading about Maddie’s strength has giving me so much perspective and hope, not to mention the ability to give to and understand some amazing causes. I have been to the NICU in my area and am volunteering in a program to hold drug addicted premature babies (who are in the custody of the state and have no loving parents) having contact with those precious little ones has been one of the singe most amazing experiences of my life. I never would have even thought of it if it wasn’t for Maddie. Her bravery does not now and will never go un noticed. Thank you for sharing your story and your precious Maddie.
Stephanie says:
That photo of your daughter is amazing – what a wonderful memory to treasure. Thinking of you and your family every day ~
Heidi in Australia says:
Hi Heather and Mike,
I felt compelled to write to you just to extend a hug over the internet and let you know what an amazing impact your daughter has had on me.
I have to confess I have only been reading your blog since Amy Storch referenced Maddie on her blog. I clicked the link, and was captivated by her beautiful smiling eyes. I read all about her and the pregnancy, her early arrival and all the challenges that crossed your path along the way. what a remarkable story and what amazing human beings you all are.
i then got “caught up” in a fast forwarded version, and read countless posts you have written about her. i was bawling my eyes out reading, and knowing that her vibrant little spirit was not joyously entertaining you in person anymore. i am so thankful that we have photography and that you could document her so well through pictures and video because I feel like I got to know her a bit. I got to hear her laugh, her infectious giggle, and watch you practicing “woooow” with her. such precious memories and I am so privileged that you shared her with me, because I think I am better having “known” her.
I have had a rough week with some medical things, and some test results that were not ideal… and all the while I was getting this negative stuff thrown my way, I had this little girl who i have never met popping into my head, as an inspiring ray of sunshine, reminding me that there is more to life than bad test results, and i should stop sulking, chuck on a purple shirt, and get back to smiling a scrunched-nose grin like Maddie has in this picture.
That little darling has impacted me in such a profound way, and has reached me even though I am thousands of miles away….. I grew up in Palos Verdes, and moved to Melbourne, Australia 3 years ago. When I first read your blog I saw that you were in LA, i then felt even more connected to you guys. it made me kick myself that I live so far away because I would have loved to have attended the service or sent flowers or shown some “in real life” form of support. but then i read your post expressing that IRL friends and internet friends were both important to you, so I thought I would write you to let you know that Maddie’s story has deeply impacted me.
I am just so sad that you all have to go through this….and I wish I could help in the suffering and sorrow….i wish i could start a rotation of pain or something, and we all could take turns, roster ourselves on the Pain Calendar so that you could have a break from the hurt and the shock, and a day without wishing you would wake up from this bad dream…
I see the love and perseverance in your eyes, and I hear the pain and strength in your words, as your life’s “new normal” takes shape, and I just wanted you to know that there is a girl on the other side of the world that is crying along side you, and telling everyone I know about an amazing little girl named Maddie who has taught me how to find joy despite my circumstances.
what beautiful souls you two are, and such true examples of what wonderful parents should look like.
i know that every time I see purple from now on that i will hear Maddie saying “woooow” in my head…
thank you for sharing your little bundle of joy.
Dawn says:
Your post is beautiful. You have a wonderful talent, it was especially highlighted with your beautiful subject.
Samantha says:
Hi Heather,
I stumbled upon your blog last week, and I’ve been catching up on your story. I just wanted to tell you that I am heartbroken for you. Maddie was a beautiful little girl. I also wanted to tell you that I think you are smart, funny, and a terrific writer. I know you probably can’t even think about this now, but I see such a bright future for you. I think you will do amazing things, and Maddie will be (and already is) so proud of her mom.
ali says:
keep telling Maddie about the photos. i’m sure she’s still listening to you
ali’s last blog post..what’s going on. could also be titled: clearly, your life is more interesting than mine
Julie Kyle says:
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this oh most difficult time. Reading your recent posts make my heart skip a beat…as the pain in your words is all to familiar. It’s been 12 years since we buried my 4 year old daughter, Sydnie. I know the pain. I know the feeling of getting pictures developed (digital wasn’t existant back then, I don’t think) and viewing the last photos of my daughter on that roll. Wanting to take more, wanting to be in the pictures with her… I found your blog from Matt Logelin’s site. And I felt compelled to reach out to you and your family. Please know I am here (as many, many others are as well from the number of replies to your blog) for you if you want to talk to someone who has been there. My daughter wasn’t ill, wasn’t premature, she passed away by drowning. I’m just babbling here…remembering the pain and anguish those first days…my thoughts are with you. God Bless…
Julie
Sydnie’s mom!
http://www.sydnieclairesbabies.com/sydnie.html
Bridget says:
I don’t have anything to say…just wanted you to know that I’m reading…and that I think of you very, very often.
Bridget’s last blog post..Mouthwatering Monday: Lemonade Chicken and Green Bean Amandine
elismsue says:
Heather,
There will be a many “firsts” again. One was today when you picked up that camera, took the picture and then told Maddie all about it. Here is hoping that the firsts to come will also be spoken of and written about. Your loving documentations since before she was born sparked a legion of readers. Your legion stands ready to read more of them, to be there for you as you deal with them and to lend the only support we can which is reading your blogs, letting you know we care about you and Mike and donating to the MOD.
(((())))) x x xx
Hugs and purple thoughts,
Sue
Amelia Sprout says:
Hugs and love in the direction of Southern California. I’m always at such a loss for words, but I think you’re brave, and strong, and a kick ass photographer.
I’ve got a tiny little team in the St. Paul walk, and I will be thinking of you, Mike and Maddie every step of the way.
Amelia Sprout’s last blog post..I am not full of …
Andria and Co. says:
Oh, Heather. I have tears in my eyes. I’m not going to sugercoat it- this sucks. This really sucks.
Andria and Co.’s last blog post..And Then, Reality Hits You Upside The Head.
Jenny says:
Heather,
I just weep for you. I have no words, and I remembered you saying it was better to say something instead of nothing. I care about you and your family and your baby Maddie. You remind me to cherish each day as you did. I’m so so sorry. Thank you for the open book to your heart, your broken heart.
So much love and prayers for you…from one mother to another,
Jenny
Jenny’s last blog post..Sweetest Sisters
hilary says:
I just want you to know we are sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. My 5 month old daughter and I wear a lot of purple these days. I tell her how very loved she is each day and cherish it all. There are no right words to tell you how I feel for you. I just pray you find strength each day.
Hilary
Loukia says:
There are tears in my eyes right now and I can’t handle the emotions I’m feeling for you right now. I’m so sorry. You are a pillar of strength. This is so unfair.
Bonnie says:
It’s a gorgeous photo- just stunning. And just seems to capture Maddie’s personality so well.
Bonnie’s last blog post..The Great Paint Party 09!
Andrea's Sweet Life says:
I don’t even know what to say – words are just. not. enough.
Andrea’s Sweet Life’s last blog post..Ho’ing Around
Rumour Miller says:
I am so sorry for your loss. Words cannot erase the pain. She was a beautiful little girl.
Rumour Miller’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
Samantha says:
I know that you’ve heard this more times than you can count, but you don’t know me. I’m a friend of Kim Orlandini’s. I haven’t been reading your blog for long, but with every post I read, I sit at my computer sobbing. Sobbing for a complete stranger. I don’t even know what I want to say, other than I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. It’s indescribable the way a little girl changes you. They amaze & inspire you in ways you couldn’t imagine before. You are simply not the same person after loving & teaching & hugging a little bright-eyed angel. Because Maddie changed you forever, she will always be with you. My prayers are also with you. Along with countless others.
Samantha’s last blog post..Easter Sunday.
Donna Stepp says:
I just came home from the hospital on Monday night after a small stroke. I have been sitting around all week worrying about being here to see my children raised and then…I came across this picture of your Madeline. I had to smile. It brightened my whole evening. I continue going back to her picture and it really amazes me that even though she has gone, she is still making people smile. She is totally beautiful. Awesome…I will pray for your family….
Allison Harrell says:
You are such a strong woman to continue to write to us and I am so glad that you are sharing your feelings, thoughts, and memories of Maddie with us. She will continue to bring light into lives forever!
I am still keeping you in my thoughts and prayers daily.
Amber says:
you are an inspiration, I have cried many tears for your loss…and pray for your strength…how very lucky Maddie was to be able to be with you for her short time here.
Lisa Thomas says:
Thank you for sharing your wonderful stories and pictures and love for Maddie with us. You are an inspiration to many and a mother warrior. I am praying for nothing but peace love and guidance for your family.
Samantha says:
I cant imagine living with the pain youre enduring. Ive been reading your blog since the beginning of April … I always end up in tears with a terrible physical pain in my throat and my chest .. I imagine that this is what you are feeling constantly. I can walk away from my computer and ‘shake it off’ after a few moments of putting myself back together.
This morning I was reading this post and when I got to the final sentence my eyes were pouring tears and my throat was closed, it felt as if grief itself had me in a choke hold.
It was at this moment that my daughter, whose name isnt Madeline or anything close but whom Ive called Maddie since the day she was born, cried out from her bed. I rushed in and asked her what was wrong .. all she would say was “She is so pretty, Momma”. I dont know for sure who she was talking about but a part of my heart knows its your Maddie.
I am so sorry for your loss .. for our loss. I pray that you will find comfort in knowing that Maddie will never feel pain again and that she will be happy and with you always.
Heidi says:
No words.
I have no words.
Nothing I can say will make it better.
Just know I share your grief and your tears, though I’ve never met you or your family.
Heidi
The mom of a preemie
Heidi’s last blog post..My weekend in pictures
Gwen Jackson says:
Heather – you ARE doing it and that is so inspiring to me. Every time I read one of your posts I cry because I put myself in your shoes, I try to imagine the way that you must be feeling, and I’m overwhelmed just thinking about the possibility of that. The fact that you snapped the picture of those early grapes, which is beautiful by the way, is a testament to your strength, and also to the power of Maddie’s life. Because she is still inspiring you, moving you, pushing you forward. She might not be here physically, but she is with you…and always will be.
Gwen Jackson’s last blog post..The Bridge
aibee says:
I don’t know how you’re going to do this without Maddie, either.
But you will.
I’m so incredibly, achingly sorry. No one should have to endure such grief.
xx
aibee’s last blog post..resulty goodness
Angie says:
I am speechless by your courage and beautiful words. Maddie was absolutely adorable. My daughter was a premie and when you talked about visiting Maddie in the NICU with the “beeps”, our time spent there came flooding back and I was brought to tears. My heart aches for you & Mike. We do not know one another, but from one mother to another, I feel your pain.
Angie from PA
christy says:
Hi, I’ve never commented here before, but I just have to say that you are so incredibly strong to be chronicling this hell you are going through right now, and I am always crying when I’m reading your posts. I have donated as much as I can afford to the March of Dimes in your daughter’s name, and will continue to do so. Your family’s story has really touched me, and I just pray that you continue to find strength in your husband, and the rest of your family. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss…