Today is my friend’s daughter’s sixth birthday. I was showing Annie pictures of Reilly through the years, much to her delight. She kept asking for more pictures of “Baby Reilly,” and after some time, “Big Reilly.” Eventually we started looking at pictures of Annie (one of Annie’s favorite things to do). We came upon a picture of her when she was about three months old, and Annie exclaimed, “Baby Maddie!”
This wasn’t too unusual. Annie sometimes gets pictures of the two of them confused. So I said, “No, this is you, when you were a baby! Do you want to see pictures of Maddie?” She did, so we started clicking on some randomly.
After about five or so minutes of looking at pictures of Maddie, Annie said, “Okay. BIG Maddie pictures!”
I clicked to pictures of Maddie in her sixteenth month and started showing Annie those.
“NO, Mama. BIG MADDIE pictures.”
I took a breath. “These are all the pictures I have of her, Annie. She doesn’t get any bigger.”
Annie seemed to think about this for a minute. “Okay. Where Maddie go?”
I remembered all the things I’d read…to keep explanations at a level she would understand. Still, I wasn’t expecting this question at age two. So I just told the truth.
“I don’t know, baby. She’s gone.”
“Okay mama. Watch Bubble Guppies?”
While she watched Bubble Guppies, I sat behind her and stared at her curls. She’s going to have so many questions, and I don’t have any answers.
Paula says:
My heart just broke a little for you. But I think you handled it very well and that it will be easier in time. Annie will understand eventually. I can only imagine how hard that was for you. Xxx
Becca_Masters says:
Heather, you may not have the answers you want but you have the truth. One day you can share Maddies story with Annie and she will understand. You and Mike do a wonderful job with Annie, and when the time comes you’ll have the words you need. Just be honest and truthful. Much love xx
Steph says:
oh how I agree with all Becca says! Wishing you peace and love.
Kristin says:
This is such a wonderful response and so true. As long as you give her the truth, and she knows you love her and Maddie, then she’ll be okay and she’ll respect you for your honesty.
Jilldubs says:
I agree, such a beautiful response and so true. You’re doing great job, Heather.
Katie says:
You WILL have the answers – Annie will help you find them.
TamaraL says:
I have to admit my heart skipped a beat when I read her question. But I think you answered it perfectly. She accepted it and moved on. Good job mom, you can do this….
Sue says:
This made me cry, Heather, and you’re doing a fantastic job in the way that you’re letting Annie learn about her big sister,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Hugs to all of you
Karen says:
What a clever, astute little girl she is. The truth is all you can give her, Heather. It sucks that it’s all there is but I think I would have found it confusing had my parents tried to tell my sister’s story in grandiose metaphors. I just hope that, when Annie is old enough, you feel you can be honest with her about not only the facts but about your own journey. One thing I regret is never realising how much my parents must have suffered in silence to “spare” us from their grief.
Alexandra says:
Aww wow, that broke my heart. Annie will understand with time.
Lori says:
Heartbreaking, but Annie’s reaction doesn’t surprise me. We’ve had several deaths in our family this past year — grandparents, pets, a close friend. And I’ve been so surprised at how well my kids handle their grief and how much they grasp the concept of death, as it’s one I have difficulty getting a handle on myself. Perhaps it’s because they fully accept my fumbling explanations as fact, even though in reality it’s just my interpretation. I’m not sure. Anyway, what they’ve taught me is that I don’t have to have the answers, I just have to do my best and they’ll be satisfied.
Heather says:
This weekend my 8 year old figured out that I have parents, and my husband (her dad but not in the biological sense) has parents and wondered where my ex husband’s parents are. My ex isn’t allowed within 1000m of the children, our home, etc. It was hard to explain that his parents were so angry at the situation, one that had nothing to do with them, that they didn’t want to know their oldest grandchildren.
‘splaining to do sucks.
edenland says:
Oh, my heart. YOUR heart.
Children are just always matter-of-fact. They are so busy learning about the world, and accepting everything that comes their way. They just take the facts into their brains, and go on with their day.
One day Annie will ruminate about Maddie … from yours and Mikes perspective. And she will gain such a deep insight into your strength and perseverance. And your love.
Thousands upon thousands of people all over the world have fallen in love with Madeline and feel like they know her, just from this blog. Annie will feel that and more.
Goddamn I wish you were here right now. We could pull an all-nighter and eat Tim Tams and talk about boys. XXXXXXX
Auntie_M says:
I agree 100%! (Right up to the Tim Tams as I haven’t the foggiest idea of what they are)
Andrea says:
Oh Heather, it is so hard to know what to say but you did great. If you are open and honest Annie will understand at her own pace. Kids are amazing like that. My 5 yr old knows all about her big brothers that died before she was born because we have always been truthful with her, even when it is difficult.
Lauren says:
Wow, that was heart wrenching. I never would have expected that at 2 years old, she’d already be asking that question. You handled it well – for both yourself and for what she is able to understand. I’m just sorry you have to answer those questions at all…
Krystle {snarkykisses} says:
That just breaks my heart… but, in light of it feeling sad or that you don’t have a way to answer her questions, it’s still such a great thing that you guys are talking about Maddie in present tense, and Annie knows exactly who Maddie is.
You are handling it the right way, and I’m confident you’ll be able to continue doing so. You are great parents, Annie and Maddie are very very lucky!
Jenn says:
OOhh Sweetheart!! That must have taken you right off guard & hurt so much. I’m sorry! When the time comes and she is at an age when she will understand, just speak your truth. That’s really all you can do. Until then, sending you many hugs, loads up support and endless friendship!!
Jenn says:
Oh Heather. You do have the answers though. The answers you have may not provide comfort but those answers are the facts – the truth.
I wish we all could live in a world where children maintained their innocence at least until high school, and that our two and three years old didn’t know the words death and heaven.
Your family is in my prayers.
Skye says:
I am so, so sorry there are no pictures of Big Maddie.
Pattie says:
This made me cry. How my heart aches for all of you that there are no Big Maddie pics.
Amy Collen says:
Sweet Heather. I am going through this with my boys (ages 5 and 3) regarding the death of their brother Noah (he lived for 6 days). I simply tell them that Noah died and that he is not here anymore. I did tell them some details about his birth and the fact that he was so small and sick (I thoroughly explain that it is a completely different kind of sick and one that they will NEVER get). This seems to answer their questions for now and ease their anxiety. They always feel comfortable asking me questions about it. I don’t know yet how I am going to explain heaven to them (I can’t even explain that to myself). I also honestly say to some of their questions, “I don’t know. Sometimes Mommy doesn’t have all the answers to your questions and that’s okay. Moms and Dads don’t always have all the answers but you ask some really good questions!” What I have learned with my boys is to answer (at their age level) all questions that I can the best way I know and honestly. I always want them to remember their brother and talk about him :). I also read something about society treating death as if it were taboo. I agree with that also. We should always speak of our loved ones both here and gone. It is a part of life albeit a very painful and damn unfair part.
Judy says:
Sadly, there are no answers.
Sara says:
Heather, I have no words for you. Just lots of prayers and good thoughts for you and your family.
Sonya aka Glam-O-Mommy says:
Oh Heather, it’s so unfair that there are no pictures of Big Maddie. Maddie should be there to play with her little sister. I’m so, so sorry, but I think you handled it beautifully. *hugs*
Momma Lioness Michele says:
“She doesn’t get any bigger” just broke my heart. Sending you hugs and support across the miles. I think of your family everyday.
ColleenMN says:
Heather, growing up I lost four siblings to Cystic Fibrosis (we were a large family). A few died before I was born, and a few died after I was born, so I have seen it from both sides. When my younger sister died I was quite young, about 4; the thing I remember most was talking to my mom. I was pretty unaware of seriousness of the disease, only that Grandma and Grandpa came over a lot, or I went to their house. But my mom sat me down, and spoke to me about what happened and asked me if I would like to go to the service. I remember that conversation to this day, and I am 52. My point is that the important thing isn’t necessarily what you say (that will be forgotten) but that you say it. That conversation with my mom made my sister more real to me than anything else. Keep talking about Maddie and she will be part of Annie’s heart, although it appears that she already is.
heather says:
wow annie is quite the 2 y.o. – and that must have been just heartbreaking. my husband died a few months ago and i just realized reading this that i may very well have to face some similar questions some day from my stepgrandkids. i think you handled it beautifully.
Glenda says:
Heartbreaking… I love that picture of Annie. She sooo resembles Maddie there! Annie is so smart for a 2 yr old. Together…you, Mike and Annie will have the answers when Annie is old enough to really understand.
Beautiful post as always!
Peace & strength
Lisa says:
Oh, that hurts my heart. Annie is a smart little girl, she’ll have lots of questions as she gets older, I’m sure, you’ll find the answers when you need them.
My 4 yr old just started asking questions about why she only has 1 grandpa, but has 2 grandmas (my dad passed away 13 years ago). It has been tough to find the answers, but I’ve found if I keep it super simple it satisfies her curiosities. Like Annie, her questions are matter of fact and when she gets answer she moves on.
Love and hugs, peace and light.
Brandy says:
The sort of questions a parent should never have to answer. I’ve always felt a sort of sympathetic sadness when I read your Maddie stories, but this one actually makes my chest constrict in anguish for both you and Mike, and your sweet Annie. I lost my older sister when I was very young and even though I’m now 36 and she’s been gone longer than she was ever alive, I still have that sense of loss and longing and wondering what life would be like if she were still here. My sister was taken much too soon, but I at least have a few hazy memories of her. It hurts me that your little one will have to build her memories from pictures and stories. Hugs and blessings to you…
Julie says:
Your story reminded me so much of a conversation I had with my son when he was 2 also. I stopped by the cemetary where my mother was buried to put flowers on her grave-my son was with me but I was literally just going to lay the flowers and say a quick prayer so I thought it wouldnt be too scary or inapproriate for him. So of course he asks me why we are there and I explained I was there to remember my mom. He asks where is she? I said that she died and went to heaven. His response? To burst into tears and say “shes is lost and we are never going to find her.” It was crushing. Children have this ability to cut right to the quick of our emotions.
Rachel says:
Oh, Heather.
I have a confession to make…while I’ve been a longtime reader of your blog (about 3 years), something compelled me recently to go back and read many of your earlier entries about your life with Maddie. As I read, I couldn’t keep myself from thinking “this will end differently.” I always expected to pull up your most recent post, and it would be about Maddie and Annie and their adventures together. When I got to the post written on April 6, I somehow still had this hope that the next post would tell about how scary it was to have Maddie be so sick, but that she was doing better and would likely be discharged soon…just like the other times.
I so wish I could make it end that way.
tricia says:
It is heartbreaking when you have little ones young enough that they will likely have little memories of their older sibling that passed or for children that follow who will never know them except in pictures and videos. My eleven year old passed away a year ago this week and though my five year old talks of her often I know her memories will fade. It pains me most that as survivors we must go on, the world keeps turning and all without our loved one.
Auntie_M says:
Just reading the little preview blurb on FB I felt my heart drop and my mind began racing wondering about what YOUR heart felt like.
As so many others said, I think you handled Annie perfectly for her age. Some day she’ll want more and when that time comes, you’ll find the words together to explain what happened to her precious big sister.
I hate that there aren’t any pictures of “big Maddie”…breaks my heart. Can’t imagine what it does to yours.
However, I love that Annie knows she has a big sister and that her little 2-year old heart loves her without having met her in person.
Someday, she’ll sit and listen to stories and eventually read this blog and her heart will swell with even more love for her Maddie and at the same time be crushed that she didn’t get to know her in person. But because she has wonderful parents and extended family and friends, she’ll be equipped for that time too.
You and Mike are amazing parents to both your precious daughters.
Sarah says:
You know, I don’t have much of anything at the moment. All I have is love and broadband. So I’m sending you a TON of love.
Emese says:
Completely breathless… Hugs… lots and lots of hugs, to you all.
Laurie says:
Heather, you and Mike are doing a wonderful job with Annie. You do have the answers. It’s just the truth. As she grows older and is able to comprehend more, you’ll find ways to explain it that make sense.
My parents lost a baby boy the year before they had me. We NEVER talked about it when I was growing up. And we still don’t talk about him now. We have always gone to to plant flowers on his grave every Memorial Day, and that’s how I knew about him. When I was a teen I snooped into my parents’ personal papers to find out more about how long he lived and how he passed. In my 43 years, I have asked my mom only a handful of questions about him. It has always seemed to be a forbidden subject.
I think it’s wonderful that you are sharing Maddie with Annie, making her present in her life. Annie will grow up loving Maddie, and being able to talk freely about her and ask all the questions she needs to.
Lanie says:
I wish that you had more “big Maddie” pictures. I have a feeling at every age there are going to be questions.
Our first son died before our twins were born ( they are 4 now). Our 2nd son died when the twins were 2 1/2. At that tme I told them that their baby brother was not going to live with us anymore – he went to live with their big brother. For many months they would ask to see their baby brother
Now the twins ask why their brothers are still babies. It is so hard to explain the unexplainable.
Meg says:
I can’t even imagine what that must have been like, flipping through photos….I can only offer you a poem I carry in my purse by Rainer Wilke on Letters to a young poet about trying to live with the questions ….you can look it up…all I know is this life is limited on answers…..
Bianca S says:
Just so Heather can find it…the poet is Rainer Maria Rilke.
Abigail says:
Oh how we all wish there were Big Maddie pictures.
Kay says:
It always breaks my heart to think that you’ll have to explain Maddie to Annie, instead of watching them grow up together. I’ve spent the last 5 minutes crying for Maddie, your family, and all the difficult conversations you’ll have to have about where Big Maddie is. I wish I could offer more than virtual hugs
Vanessa says:
I will kisses my children even more tonight.
Vanessa says:
I will kiss my children even more tonight.
Rachael says:
I knew where this was going as soon as I read the first paragraph. It hurts my heart, so I can only imagine what it does to yours. But at the same time I see the amount of love you have for both your daughters, and THAT is beautiful.
Bobbi says:
I teared up as I was reading. I know words or answer other then to offer hugs.
Beta Dad says:
Beautiful post. I don’t know how you keep it together. I guess you just have to.
Kim says:
These are the hard questions. I remember sitting at a dinner party with some friends one night. Two of the couples were talking about raising chickens and how their chickens had died. They were saying how hard it was to explain death to their kids because of these blasted chickens.
I looked at Jeremy and said, “I wish I only had to explain death to my kids because of chickens. I wish my kids weren’t so well acquainted with death”.
You will find the words when they need to come. we always do. Love you sweetie.
Trisha says:
The words will come when the time is right. Hugs to you Heather!
AmazingGreis says:
Those sorts of questions will never get easy. I love you, friend!!
Jessica Makuh says:
I am so sorry, Heather. I don’t know if you ever really need the answers. Someday, she can just share the pain with you. Sometimes you don’t need a lot of words.
Lisa J says:
Oh, Heather.
Big, big, big hugs.
I wish I had something better to offer.
Samantha S says:
A friend of ours recommended “When Dinosaurs Die” by Marc Brown (of the Arthur books). Her husband died very suddenly when her daughter was very young and she felt it helped. I know it helped a lot with my daughter. It’s not overwhelming, but it’s clear to understand. I hope it may be able to help you, as well.
Judy Susan says:
After all this time, Maddie’s story still haunts my heart. I can’t imagine what it does to yours. You were so strong through all of her story.
When the time comes, you’ll know the answers that will help your little one understand. Sounds like you are doing a fine job so far. Head up, chin out, heart open.